Answer Me This! - AMT275: The Colosseum, the British Museum and Helen Daniels's Paintings

Episode Date: October 17, 2013

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Will Jerry Halliwell's comeback be piss poor or appalling? Has to be this, has to be this Am I bound to die before I find my true calling? Has to be this, has to be this Helen and Ollie, has to be this Good afternoon and welcome to Moneybox on Radio 4 Just priming you listeners for the fact that somebody has seen fit to ask us, people who make a podcast for free,

advice about how to raise funds. It's a question from Orla who says, my friend and I have a really good business plan that we know will work. Confidence is important, isn't it, in business pitches? Yeah, in chutzpah. The problem is we have no money. We're 14, so we're too young to get a loan from the bank and we can't wait till we're old enough because we're both depending on it to pay for university

see that's too confident this is very impressive though that she's thinking going to university is becoming very expensive in four years time when i'm old enough it's going to be unattainable how can i be the master of my own destiny i'm impressed yeah yeah it's impressive i'm in it's impressive to have a strategy but it's probably not a sound idea for that strategy to be that this business that albeit you have to have front about it's so crucial that unless it takes off you can't afford to go i'm trying to remember if i had a single good idea when i was 14 yeah probably not i had an idea for a merchandise company to be based in the foyer of a cinema so that um when

kids my age went to go and see i'm trying to think what was the big films then things like the lion king and aladdin i guess yeah there'd be the merch there my concept was why don't i go to uci cinemas in hatfield and say look i can have a jurassic park store in the foyer and we will sell shit loads of dinosaurs to idiot kids yeah which is actually not a bad idea it's not bad idea. I guess the problem is when it comes to awards season, no one wants a furry Meryl Streep, do they? Well, now I do. I want nothing more.

Well, Orla says, my friend and I are both straight A students who go to one of the top schools in Northern Ireland. Okay, you're not actually on Dragon's Den now. You don't need to boast. You know, we can deal with this question without all of your credentials. Well, Ollie answers.

Tell us your story, Orla. Tell us how you got here Yeah we've got time to fill We want to keep Evan Davis Waiting downstairs Until he's frustrated You know Evan Davis isn't downstairs That whole thing is an illusion

Doesn't surprise me Is it even on the same day of shooting No He has never met Hilary DeVay Wow I read that She's not even on it anymore

She's not on it anymore So he can say with confidence He will probably never meet Hilary DeVay How weird is that That is pretty weird Yeah Because they both go to the sound stage Because that that is what it is in salford on

different days yes of course but he's got the today program to present he hasn't got time to be hanging around talking to losers for this reason since he started presenting the today program he doesn't do those bits anymore he just stands around talks to himself if you watch and the losers talk directly to camera oh so it's all a completely different thing well anyway all this all this question all this question is not uh what are the mechanics of shooting the uh dragons then she says ollie answer me this how do we get enough money to start her business yeah without robbing a bank don't rob a bank no um legally let's think of legal plans for her she sounds very confident she goes to one of the top schools in northern ireland there are probably some rich parents

there you need to find an investor or actually just do a fundraiser because although you think of yourself as a bit of a sort of mini adult yes at that age um actually most of the parents in the school will still think of you as somewhat adorable if you go around rattling a tin effectively you know busking whatever you could raise some cash that way you can raise like a hundred pounds but she needs top school in northern ireland you could probably raise a grand if you're really committed about it. Yeah, but it's not enough. It's not enough for two people to go to university, is it? No, no, no.

But this is just money to start her business. We don't know how much she needs. Yes, actually, that is true. And I suppose, alternatively, if you want to do this in a purely capitalistic way rather than begging, perhaps an idea would be to set up a business you can afford to establish. So perhaps something that runs off a blog or reselling eBay goods goods or something like that so that involves virtually no startup capital yeah do the alan sugar route in other words you know get 100 quid together 50 quid yeah and then start a very very cheap business that then you can scale up so that it then becomes the feeder business to

fund your main project in the future i don't know whether she's going to have the long view i think she wants a quick fix to start the business while she's still fired up about it it's good that she has an entrepreneurial spirit i suppose we can all agree that in in our our system of uh economic uh achievement that makes sense however however she is 14 she's supposed to be in full-time education indeed the reason you can't get a loan when you're under 18 is because you're supposed to be in full-time education it's not anything personal that um an actuary would look at your file and say well she's 14 so she's quite likely to balls this up it's just statistically probable here's an idea though generally the jobs that are available to you when you're 14 are fairly

low yield paper round babysitting but what you could do and utilize the contacts available at your posh school orla is is there are a lot of people around who still don't know how to operate computers. I'm talking about people in their 70s or more. A friend of mine used to make 25 quid an hour just helping old ladies type Word documents and stuff. So you need to tap the grandmothers, say, of some of your school chums.

That's a great idea. And people aren't threatened by 14-year-old girls generally. No. And yet it's things that are just unbelievably simple to you but you won't you won't remember a time before computers all but there are a lot of people who are not good at that and they're ashamed they're ashamed it's also cash in hand that isn't it yes hello it's heidi and simon from peterborough helen and holly answer me this we were just on a trip to london and we went to the british museum and we were wondering

who owns the British Museum and therefore all the stuff in it and are they really really rich? Well Heidi and Simon the British Museum belongs to both of you and the nation. And definitely not the nations that involuntarily bequeathed the things that are inside it. You're never getting those back Greece. Greece is a really

generous country. It was founded by Sir Hans Sloane, he of Sloane Square. Oh, wow. And he also apparently invented the practice of making hot chocolate with milk rather than water. Good God, he contributed

a lot, didn't he, in his however many decades on the earth. 93 years old, he died at. He could have guessed he got a lot done, didn't he, in that time. Left yuppies and hot chocolate

with his gravestone. During his life as a physician and naturalist and extensive traveller, he collected more than 71,000 objects Which he wanted to be preserved after his death It would be very selfish of him to insist they all got burned after his death Yeah or just smashed up and then ground to powder

We have no need for these anymore Destroy them all So he bequeathed the whole collection to George II For the nation And all he wanted was 20,000 pounds for his heirs Which was actually a huge amount of money at the time Yeah that is a huge amount of money Which was £20,000 for his heirs which was actually a huge amount of money at the time

yeah that is a huge amount of money which was 1753 that was the time but it was a good bet though wasn't it that those belongings would probably be worth more in the future

so it was an investment yeah or just the fact that you have this collection because on their own the belongings might not mean much like say one collectible

Simpsons figurine doesn't mean much but if you had hundreds yes so the British Museum has always been belonging to the nation and it opens to the public on the 15th of January 1759. Wow, I didn't realise it was that old. No, nor did I. I think the atrium is newer.

Yeah. The glass roof. But they've barely updated some of the lavatories. Oi! Shut up and answer me this. Come on then. Why don't you shut your ugly face? I'm not ugly. It's the condition.

It's no condition. It's the tugginess, mate. Answer me this podcast at googlemail.com Answer me this podcast at googlemail.com Answer me this podcast at googlemail.com

Now, I'm thinking, seriously, though, go back to your own country. That's what we're all thinking, isn't it? It's what we're all thinking. It's got a question. I ain't got no questions. Don't look at me. Shut your mouth. So, retrospectives, what historical events are we ticking off

on this week's round of Today in History? On Monday, we bring you the real story of the mutiny on the bounty. On Tuesday, the anniversary of the that ripped off an iconic American car. On Thursday, how American airlines invented air miles. And on Friday, the UFO sighting that gripped colonial America. We discuss this and more on Today in History with The Retrospectors. Ten minutes each weekday, wherever you get your podcasts. Here's an email from Dave in Leeds who says,

I am a married man with two young daughters. How nice of you. Yeah, so Dave's just making it very clear there to any interested parties. He is taken. He's very hemp-pecked. House for three women. My wife's godmother, says Dave, is an artist, and she's painted portraits of my wife's godmother, says Dave, is an artist and she's painted portraits of my wife's nieces

which are displayed in their respective homes. Now my daughters are six and three years old, it's expected that she will paint their portrait as well. My dilemma is that I think that children's portraits in houses are naff and a bit crap. Sometimes both, yeah. I'm trying to think if I've ever seen a nice one. There are lots of ones by old masters in rich people's houses,

but that's a bit different, isn't it? Yeah, it is, yeah, of course. If you're living at a time where painting was the predominant art form, it's a slightly different quality, isn't it? Actually, those look really creepy. Often children look like waxen dolls, don't they? Yeah, in Blenheim Palace, there are lots of pictures of way-faced children wearing tiny versions of adult clothes,

looking really serious with each other, but they've been posed together like the married couples are. Yeah, and there's a dog as well that looks like it's posing. There's usually a greyhound and they've got their hand on the head of the greyhound. A king-troll spaniel. Yeah, or a lion. Well, Dave continues, I know what my children look like, glad to hear it. So I don't really need to be

reminded. That was Alison Zaltzman's thesis as well, because she doesn't and my children look like glad to hear it yes um so i don't really need to be reminded that was alison zaltzman's thesis as well because she doesn't and uh never did have photos of us around the house she said well i know what you look like dear yeah i just don't buy that i mean we're ugly the point is well whatever her motive helen the point is that people change and you want to remember how they looked three years ago the only reason for not doing that is that in fact you don't want to remember how they looked three years ago right my dad actually did a plaster bust of my brother when he was about five but he made him look like he thought he would look as an adult the painting says dave will be copied from a photo anyway so it could be argued that the painting will be a rubbish version of a photo or a

great version of a photo i see his point though you you could argue that now we've got the widespread availability of photo canvases. It's sort of removed the need for portraits based on photos. And also you can do that Photoshop effects on your photos where it looks like they've been done by coloured pencils. However, says Dave, my wife is really excited about having a painting of our children in pride of place above our fireplace. Ah, suffer!

So, Helen, answer me this. Should I just put up with the portraits or should I make a stand and risk sleeping in the spare room for a week as well as offending my wife's godmother and all her family? Oh, that is really hard. I think when he sums it up like that, I think he does kind of have to just go with it, doesn't he? I disagree.

I think there's a very obvious middle path here. Oh, good. Which is that you say that you're going along with it. then when they've done it and it's been on the fireplace for a bit demolish your house you've you say quietly to your wife saying it's a bit naff isn't it i know you're excited to do it i'm glad we've done it but actually do you mind if we move this to the spare room and then only when your godmother comes around for tea do we put it back i think in fact put it in the spare room to start with. I think it's much harder to move it once it's up.

And in fact, you might start to get used to it and then occasionally your eyes will drift up and you'll just be hit with the fresh horror that it is. But the godmother will want to come round and expect it to see in pride of place. No, we'll just say, well, we thought the light was hitting it badly there, so we put it in the spare room because it's much brighter.

Yeah, that's good, yeah. The walls complement it a lot more. Redecorate the spare room if you have to to look like an art gallery. It's such a difficult conversation, isn't it? Because the problem isn't necessarily that this painter isn't good. It's just the idea of having those paintings

in his front room. It's not the way that he wants his house to look. And it's difficult to say that. That's not the way I want my house to be arranged. I don't want to have a big painting of my kids right in the front room. But also, I think I tend to agree with him about the average amateur portrait of children and in fact my brother asked me to paint the kids once

when they were little and i said no and it's really because i prefer painting people who have a visible bone structure rather than the blooming cheeks of youth but also i just thought uh they'll i think they'll be better looking when they're older but that's a rare level of self-awareness in an amateur painter, isn't it? Yeah, I guess so. I mean, most amateur painters, I guess by definition, are delighted to have a commission, aren't they? But obviously people like what this painter has done, or at least they like the fact that they've got a painting of their child.

So I wouldn't pin the blame on her. Yeah, also people love the fact that other people are throwing attention at their children in this way. Well, people like crafts as well. It is a little bit more special than just having a holiday snap of you know toothless grinning children but this taste issue uh is i think generational as well and there's not much you can do about that either but i think this frequently happens with people's wedding gifts doesn't it you know you get something from your great aunt in fact this

happened with my parents with my mom's great aunt uh trudy she's no longer with us so i can talk about this openly um even though she certainly wasn't a podcast listener when she was around um trudy she she infamously bought them water biscuits for their actual wedding gift that is cheap yes so she was known forever after that as um trudy puffs um in the family but anyway that's quite a sweet name because such a dry stingyy act. But anyway, Trudy Puffs bought them for, I guess, their 10th anniversary or something, a carriage clock. And it was a really gaudy, chintzy, sort of old John Lewis type carriage clock. We got one of those as well as a wedding present.

It has cherubs on it. Right. So what do you do? Because it's not that it's... It's still in the box. It's not that it's... I mean, it is that it's hideous. Yes.

But it's also that other people would think it's nice, but you don't because you're not possibly of a generation that could. It's not your fault. You're just like, you haven't been brought up ever thinking that was tasteful. Things have changed. Taste isn't a question of fault. It's just personal. Exactly.

Also, something like a clock has to be on display because it's a clock. You have to look at it. Whereas if she got you a saucepan that was ugly, at least you can put that in a cupboard most of the time. Well, so what they did do is they did put it in a cupboard most of the time. The saving grace was it was a carriage clock, so you can put that in a cupboard most of the time. Well, so what they did do is they did put it in a cupboard most of the time. The saving grace was it was a carriage clock, so you can carry that in and out of a room.

Grandfather clock, though, disastrous. So when Trudy Puffs came round for dinner, which was only, I think, twice in my life, the carriage clock came out for Trudy Puffs. And when she died, was it buried with her? Metaphorically, yes. Your parents smashed it up and then set fire to it. I think it's in the cupboard in the utility room with the fondue set at the moment.

They can get rid of it now. Trudy Puffs isn't going to know. As soon as I first encountered this question from Dave, one image came into my mind and Ollie immediately knew what it was. It was the portrait of Malcolm Libby and Billy Kennedy that hangs over... Well, I don't know if it still hangs over the mantelpiece in Carl and Susan Kennedy's house

in Neighbours, because I haven't watched Neighbours for a while. None of us have watched it since it's been on Channel 5, really. But Helen Daniels' portraits were always terrible. And no one would ever fess up to this. They were like,

wow, Helen, no, please, do me, do me. That wasn't a storyline that no one would ever fess up to it. It's just the reality is the props department of Neighbours couldn't do a better job than they did. So it was supposed to look good. And it wasn't scripted that it was bad. But there't a storyline that no one would ever fess up to it. It's just the reality is the props department of Neighbours couldn't do a better job than they did, so it was supposed to look good, and it wasn't scripted that it was bad.

But there was a storyline where Mrs Mangle got really upset about the painting of Helena Donovan. Do you remember that? But Billy, Malcolm and Libby, they're against a grey background, all staring forward in a really creepy way. Yes, yeah, they are, yeah. And also it's capturing them in the difficult teenagers.

Well, yes, although actually what you've done there is you've highlighted a function for these portraits in a way because the kennedy family house i think quite sweetly demonstrates how okay we don't know if 20 years later it is still on the wall because we don't watch the show anymore but it was it was for i'd say 10 or 15 years exactly in some cases i know libby hung around for ages like a bad smell on neighbors couldn't get another job but in some cases after those two actors malcolm and billy had left the show and gone to join house and done other things and actually as a viewer of the show it made it feel like a convincing family home didn't it yeah because it sent off the signal of our kids lived here and they grew up here and actually for

visitors coming to your house dave that's quite a nice thing as well it's just you that has to live with it yeah but it's a bit different isn't it because dave is a real person whereas colin susan live neighbours, where as soon as one person's child moves to the city, they are never heard of again, even though they're only about a ten minute ride away. I don't know

if you've ever helped your mum build a website. It is the kind of torment from which there is no respite. If she asks, what's a widget again? I will kill her with a rusty spike or a brick or a spade or a chainsaw. Squarespace is so easy, even your mum can use it. She can drag and drop and cut and paste,

that's all there is to it. So Helen, put that spike down, I beg you, for Christ's sake, don't do it. Sorry, mum. Big thanks to Squarespace for supporting this episode of Answer Me This. And also for supporting the beautification of websites. Yeah, that's right. Through their service.

Yeah, it's a noble task, isn't it? I think so, because there are still a lot of hideous websites in this world. There's some shocking ones out there. Even in this day and age. Yeah. They're not functional, they're not well designed, but there's no excuse because on Squarespace you can have a two-week free trial doing good design. That's right. Yes. Really nice templates to choose from and support as well when you balls it all up.

Which won't happen because it's easy. But just in case. But just in case. If you like the idea of a safety net. So give it a whirl. And then if you like it and you want to keep the site that you have built with your free trial, then enter the code ANSWER10 to get a discount. Hey, this is Al and claire in barcelona

claire just reminded me about a woman who left all of her money to her dog so helen and ollie answer me this what happens to money that people leave to ridiculous things after they die like when that dog died where did the money go what happened yeah you can't actually leave money directly to a pet. You can't? No. So how does it work then if someone says, I'm leaving three million pounds to my cat?

Well, they don't say that. If they've done it in a will, what they say is, I'm leaving three million pounds for the upkeep of my cat and the nominated caregiver is my mother or whatever. And then the money goes to the mother as a trustee for the cat. That's how it works. Because the law defines a pet as a piece of property and one piece of property cannot legally own another piece.

So you can't give your property of your dog the property of your house. It doesn't work like that. So you have to give them to someone. And, of course, the obvious flaw in all of this is you need to make sure you really do trust the person that you're giving it to. I mean, they'd have to be morally repugnant, but they could, of course, kill the animal and then have the money for themselves because it's not obvious what happens to the money after that or you could just

say well in order for for flopsy to have a nice place to live i need to buy them a three million pound house but i'll live in and look after them but the problem is i'd imagine a lot of the people who would mythically leave their all of their money to a cat are not going to like any person enough to make them to trust them with the care of that beloved cat it's essentially ballot leave all of their money to a cat are not going to like any person enough to trust them with the care of that beloved cat. It's essentially ballot spoiling, isn't it? It's like, I don't want any of my greedy relatives to get hold of this.

There was one in America where a millionaireess left half of her money to her best friend and the other half to her pet dog, Roxy. And her daughter then said, well, Roxy's an item of property that you can't leave money to, took the letter to court and won half the estate because the judge ruled

because in the law you can't do that unless you nominate a caregiver so the one thing she didn't want to happen which was her greedy daughter taking her money is exactly the thing that ended up happening. Alright well here's a question from Daniel from Anaheim in California home of the happiest place on earth. The Camelot mini golf course. That's right.

That's really good. Did you enjoy that? I was wondering if there was an age limit to shows at the Colosseum during Roman times. I'd assume they wouldn't let children witness a man being fed to a tiger, but then again, they would feed people to tigers. Well, also, you're ascribing a modern value system to ancient Romans. Actually, a lot of people would have placed a kind of philosophical importance on certain children seeing the gladiatorial shows.

Yeah, sort of learning about battle and death, I guess. Yeah, because they're a very battle-fixated nation at the time. And in some ways, the gladiatorial events were considered a kind of religious event and therefore morally appropriate for young children to be educated in. But it was really boys that got to go because even adult women weren't really allowed to go. And those that were had to sit in the worst seats and not with the men. They would make married men sit separately from bachelors and then boys in a separate block, and then their teachers are in the adjacent block, and then very far away,

the women were on the top tier in the nosebleeds. But it was considered a valuable lesson for children to learn, you know, what was it like for soldiers to be defeated? They were showing some kind of historical battles. Sometimes they'd recreate those. They were showing moral lessons, i.e. putting to death people they didn't agree with. But I'm sure there were parents who said,

no, son, when you're seven, you can come, but not but not now like they must have still known that it would be traumatic for very young kids to see well i don't know whether the concept of trauma would have been relevant yeah but you'd know wouldn't you that you having been a child yourself you'd know that probably this is going to be a bit strong i don't know i think you might have just thought they don't deserve it yet yeah because it wasn't such a child fixated thing they would be like well child can't come and spend time with me doing adult things until it's less of a little brat. Yeah, yeah. From Illinois.

Helen and Ollie, answer me this. My family and I were going on a nice camping trip last weekend over in the adjacent state of Indiana. And at this beautiful state park was a nice covered bridge from the 19th century. This is something that I've always kind of taken for granted, that there are these covered bridges in central Indiana. But it just occurred to me, what's the point of a covered bridge? Well, our friend from Illinois, whose name got cut off before Skype kicked in. Yeah, you might not know the point of covered bridges, but we all learned the point of good telecommunications didn't we i'm just gonna call you illinois and you're gonna have to deal with it uh you say this bridge is from the

19th century if it had not been a covered bridge it would have fallen down long ago why because the bridges uh are usually made of wood the covered bridges and if you just left them open the elements the the wood would warp and start to fall apart you might get frost cracking whereas it is a bit sheltered it's more stabilized by the existence of the top of course that's so obvious when you put it like that i was thinking it might be something to do with cattle falling off it well some do theorize that the the sight of running water freaks out a lot of cattle and horses yeah and if the predominant transport wasn't cars but was that but actually horses have you know forever been used for fording things up rivers so they've probably learned to deal with that or you could put blinkers on them

because we've just bought a chair and table set uh to sit on the covered bridge with why is this relevant tolly no what the reason i'm mentioning this is even though we got this from a reputable homeware store, the woman in the store, the manageress... Do you say manageress? Seems wrong to make a point of her being female. I just wanted to say manager. Yeah.

Say manager. The manager, who happened to be female, but that is just incidental detail. It's not. Man and a woman could do the job just as well as each other. That's right, yeah. Let's not get into this now, listeners. Indeed.

That person said to us, you know, yes, this is a good deal, isn't it? Yes, we can deliver it to you. She didn't mention the fact that they'd accidentally divert it through their warehouse and then not send the screws. But that's another story. No screws? No screws. Well, you didn't specify that you wanted screws to keep the furniture together, did you? But anyway, she said, yes, we can organise to send this to you, but go out and buy some linseed oil.

Go out and buy some linseed oil because this won't last more than three months in the weather in the UK. I thought, wow, in 2013, a company like that is selling a table that doesn't really work. Like, you know, you'd have to put it in a garage all winter and it's because wood rots. They still haven't found a way to stop wood rotting.

You have to treat it. Well, they have. Anointing it with linseed oil regularly. Yeah, but you have to treat it yourself regularly. Exactly, regularly. But what I'm saying is, isn't it amazing 150 years later, actually a covered bridge would still kind of make sense

if you're building it out of wood. It's just that we've got other materials. But the woodwork industry is still struggling with that. Well, Ollie, it's because wood itself hasn't really updated in millennia. Millions of years, I would say. That's true. So it hasn't really thought, maybe I should be a bit more like Perspex. I think someone needs to bring wood kicking and screaming from the Cretaceous period.

Okay, now you've made me feel stupid now, but I suppose what I'm saying is... Yes! I think that there could be some sort of pre-treatment involved that made it a little bit more robust that wouldn't mean you'd have to take your new product home and apply linseed oil to it. Well, actually, I'm sure that there are certain types of wood that you could buy that are so tough and hard that you would not need to treat them nearly as much, but cheapskate Olly Man wouldn't buy that kind of wood. Probably not being manufactured for 200 quid in cargo, is it?

Yeah, OK, all right. Well, I've learned some pretty harsh lessons today. Yeah, when you sit on that chair, you just be grateful that it's there under you. Hello, I'm Morrissey. Oh, I haven't got a stitch to wear. I'm always nude. So I called Helen and Olly on 0208 123 5877.

But then a strange fear gripped me and I just couldn't ask. Well, here is a question from Lucy in Manchester who says, Answer me this, Ollie. When making hot chocolate, if I only have big marshmallows, should I just put one big one in my chocolate or cut it up into chunks? Chunks. Really? Yes, because...

How big are we talking? Like, big as our head? Yes, well, that's the issue, I agree. Big as the world. If they're medium-sized marshmallows, like, say, thumbnail-sized, then you could still put them in. I'm assuming she means the standard ones

where they're about an inch in diameter. Yeah, well, I think in that case, I think it's quite hard to get your mouth around that whole thing to ingest it whilst it's floating in hot liquid. It's going to burn your mouth. If your hot chocolate is hot enough, that marshmallow will melt as adequately as a little one. It's just if your hot chocolate is lukewarm, then it doesn't really, it's not really going to squidge down. But isn't the joy that you get a little bump of marshmallow in your mouth with the liquid? I've always seen marshmallows as a melting textural issue, and you're suggesting you want them unmelted and whole no i'm saying they melt a bit i agree with you there but yes i think you still want them to be recognizably softer on your on

the on the palate of your mouth solution lucy two marshmallows one whole one chopped up then you have the immediacy of the small squid marshmallow and a big one that is waiting for you halfway down the cup. Very good. Are there any other hot drinks that have marshmallows in them? Like, would you ever put one in a coffee? In a cream of broccoli and Stilton's soup?

Yeah. Like a squidgy crouton. I'm sure that there are Americans that put marshmallows in coffees. Well, have you been having your pumpkin spice lattes? Never. I mean, I don't drink coffee and I don't really think of pumpkin

as a particularly pleasant flavour in isolation. Can you even get them in the uk uh probably it's i only know about them from us blogs but it's just they go nuts for it don't they americans are children aren't they american children are yes yeah but the the whole thing like they really fetishize this thing don't they what is the flavoring because i in my imagination it is just a combination of nutmeg cinnamon and sugar that's exactly what it is that's all no no there's one other there's nutmeg cinnamon and one other god i don't know what it is i don't know here's a question from theo from manchester who says i eat wax crayons you instantly want to know more uh i tried it once for a dare as a teenager but they were so good

i've done a couple a week ever since and i'm now 40 that is a lot of colors you will have shattered you must have intestines all the colors of the rainbow how enchanting uh i eat them in secret says theo because i know my mates would think i'm nuts you don't say. But I just love the texture, and crayon day is the highlight of my week. Yeah, I bet it is. That's amazing. How do you go and buy crayons every week for your own consumption without causing suspicion, especially if you don't have any children yourself?

He may have had children just to cover up his crayon addiction. Secondly, he could pretend that he's buying them all to donate to preschools. Recently, continues Theo, my wife, also called Helen, burst in on me in the bathroom, thinking she was about to catch to donate to preschools. Recently, continues Theo, my wife, also called Helen, burst in on me in the bathroom, thinking she was about to catch me up to no good. What?

I think he means tugging one out is what I think he means. Brushing his teeth? Leave him to it then, Helen. Instead, she caught me sat on the loo, reading Moby Dick with a succulent red Crayola between my teeth. I think red is the wrong colour to be eating when you're reading something like Moby Dick. That's more of a kind of bluey, grey, slatey colour.

Surely a great white Crayola would be the way forward. I suppose it depends whether you're using the crayon to mark the book as well as eat it. Like the second Heather in Heather's Eskimo with red crayon underneath. If Crayon Day is so precious, Theo, why not

just spend the time alone with the crayons Why take them into the bathroom No that's sordid Because it's a shame to lock yourself away We've talked before that eating on the toilet seems wrong Maybe you should have a special crayon day armchair in a shed That you've decorated in those Pinterest pictures of molten wax crayons Anyway Theo continues

As well as some minor concerns as to my mental state, my wife also thinks eating a packet of crayons a month is bad for my health. Just a packet a month doesn't seem so bad. Crayons claim to be non-toxic and I only chomp on respectable brands. Really, taste the difference, crayons. None of that own brand filth for Theo, no. So Helen, answer me this. Are crayons really bad for you or is my wife just nuts?

I don't think you're really in the position to be calling anyone else nuts. Crayons aren't really made of anything that's too bad for you. They're made of pigment and paraffin wax. And neither of those things seem to be particularly bad for you. But the ones that are wrapped in paper with glue on it, the paper and the glue may cause you a little bit of blockage. Sounds really delicious. Unwrap them before you eat them, like a banana.

Isn't paraffin traditionally used to cure constipation? Well, maybe that's why he was on the toilet reading whilst he was eating it. Good point. How widespread is it, do you think? I think there are a lot of parameters out there, yeah. I reckon every child must have tried a nibble at least, right? Well, children put everything in their mouths, don't they?

Absolutely everything. Yeah. I remember being taken to a hospital because I ate a, allegedly allegedly poisonous berry in my parents garden when i was about four maybe that's what knocked out your sense of direction and um uh it tasted fine and i was fine next thing i know i'm talking to a doctor about my stools and i just remember thinking this is a weird conversation why is he being so interested he was like oliver you're gonna drink this you're gonna go to the toilet you're gonna do a big poo you can tell me

what color it is and i was like it's fine i mean why are you so interested i'd have thought for a child that talking about your poo is not really remarkable just the fact you get an extra audience must have been a real dream for you i suppose telling a stranger about it was weird i just remember that was very strange for doctors you got into a slightly older age and they talk about your poo yeah how's your poo? And you're going I don't call it poo anymore I haven't done that for about five years

Why did you start calling it After you stopped calling it poo? I don't know Captain Sophisticate My fecal matter Ooh la-di-da What age was it When you made the transition

Into non-poo talk? I don't know It's the same sort of age isn't it When you stop thinking It's a big deal to have ice cream When an adult comes up to you and goes we're gonna have some ice cream you're like okay fine ice cream's nice no what are you talking about i've never passed that puberty no i haven't got to that age yet and

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