Answer Me This! - AMT283: Bruno Mars, the Duracell Bunny, and the sex life of Mr and Mrs Pepperpot

Episode Date: February 13, 2014

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Does the curling team only get laid at the Winter Olympics? Has to be this, has to be this Why isn't Kim Kardashian sex tape on Netflix? Has to be this, has to be this Helen and Ollie, has to be this Last episode listeners, we set you the challenge of naming this tune! Turns out it was a very easy challenge because loads of you got it right yeah but i still didn't i i spent two weeks thinking about it think of nothing else and i still didn't i'm glad you should have gone to work i'm glad you got in touch and let us know what it is because

i was scratching my head legions of you told us that it was play school school but mark on twitter was the first of those legions and other people have specified that it was Play School. But Mark on Twitter was the first of those legions and other people have specified that it was Play School in the mid to late 80s. Not only did this tune jog many of your memories, it also jogged some of you to want to know about other tunes. I'm Mary, but she's not here. Helen and Ollie, answer me this. What is this song?

It's driving us mad. It goes like... I have no idea what it is. Martin, as someone who has covered this song on a public recording forum, would you like to reveal the name of the song? It's called Spanish Flea and it's by Herb Alpert and Tawana Brass. Well, it's not actually. It's by a man called Julius Wechter, but he wrote it for Herb Alpert. Sorry, it's popularised by Herb Alpert and Tawana Brass.

And it became just something that DJs use when they're ironically soundtracking an underwhelming feature. Yeah. But so popularly so, yeah. I mean, I've heard it so many times, I had no idea it was called that. It doesn't sound remotely Spanish. Well, the Spanish flea was an aphrodisiac. Ah.

Or Spanish fly was, and I wonder whether Spanish flea is a mockery of Spanish fly. Nice. Hello, this is Joe in Seattle. Helen and Ollie, answer me this. Is the O in C-3PO, is it really like the letter O, or is it really a zero? I assume it's the letter O, because otherwise he'd be called C3P0. Yeah, which doesn't sound as good.

No, it doesn't. Yeah, it is the letter O. And the harebrained theory that I've read, which may be correct, I don't know, is that George Lucas named it after the square of the map C3 in which his town's post office, PO, appeared. But why would you choose that as a thing to name something? Martin, I can't remember anything about Star Wars anymore. Is there a reason why C3PO would have a postal connection?

No, but he sort of sneaks references to his own history into his films. I don't know what R2-D2 means, but I can imagine. R2-D2 is an abbreviation of Reel 2, Dialogue 2, so that seems like a filmmaker term. I just realised, like one minute into this conversation, that whilst we've been thinking of C-3PO, I was thinking of R2-D2. That's how little I'm familiar with Star Wars.

C-3PO is the golden man that looks like a living Oscar. It's like a sort of golden camp button. He's so irritating, that character. I really like him, actually. What is there to like? It's a bit of light relief against all a sort of golden camp button. It's so irritating, that character. I really like him, actually. What is there to like? It's a bit of light relief against all the sort of, you know,

empire and stuff. Comparatively light relief in that it's not so terribly boring you want to die. Do you really not like Star Wars? Not even as a kid? Not even as a kid.

I didn't really watch it as a kid, so I think that's why. In fairness, I only came to Star Wars aged 16 when they were re-released, but God, it's boring.

Oh, I'm not evangelical. It's just fake politics about a fake world with nothing happening in the odd spaceship like the sun newspaper what what although actually in fairness i don't know if i'm mellowing in old age with regards to this unlikely um but um i did over christmas watch the hobbit on netflix wow really yeah and that's something that didn't appeal to me at all for the reasons i've just outlined about all fantasy genre how How did you get through that? Because we flaked out at 40 minutes in

and Martin actually likes that. Yeah. I think because it's kind of closer to a soap opera than a fantasy film in that nothing really happens for quite a long time. No, it bloody doesn't. 40 minutes in, they're washing the dishes,

singing a song about it. Yeah, I thought, these people are rude, they're messy eaters, now they're cleaning, I'm going. I watched it in two chunks, so it was like watching two normal length films.

Is that why they've stretched it into three abnormally long films, so that it's like six normal length films? Yeah, or like six episodes of Hobbit Coronation Street, effectively. I didn't hate it, and I didn't love it, but I thought it was okay, and I would be prepared to go and see the sequel in the cinema. That's amazing, because that's one of the worst fantasy films I've ever seen, and Star Wars is a much better film than The Hobbit.

Did you see the Lord of the Rings films? I made it through the first two and then just couldn't be arsed to see the third one. Because they were better than The Hobbit, because they did not really have so much table manner violation. So many bloody songs, that's the worst thing about Tolkien, is stupid poems and songs. I know it's all, you know, old English references, but it's really tedious.

Theory as well about The Hobbit, and I have not even bothered to google this because I'm not really interested I'm just sharing it with you this was you know you're opening

up a minefield in the correspondence fanboys I don't care what you think because I don't like you tough shit you're going to hear about it in two weeks

but this is what I thought watching it just my observation alright plot wise I thought if Gandalf can just solve everything

by turning up all the time why doesn't he just deliver the fucking thing himself but that's like God isn't it why would God create war and evil it's a test Gandalf can just solve everything by turning up all the time why doesn't he just deliver the fucking thing himself but that's like God isn't it like why would God create war and evil it's a test yeah

Gandalf also maybe Gandalf's lazy there is an explanation that's not the observation I wanted to make right the observation I wanted to make is in the scene with Christopher Lee where he, Cate Blanchett and I think Ian McKellen

are sitting around the table and they're discussing what to do about the dwarfs and the orcs and I don't know the other white people in the Hobbit in the Hobbit part one yeah um it was noticeable to me that christopher lee when he was talking was hardly ever in close-up there were a lot of shots that were the wide angle or a computer generated background or a reaction shot from the other cast when he was talking and i wondered is Christopher Lee now so old that actually he just

kept screwing things up and obviously you want Christopher Lee in your picture because he's Christopher Lee but maybe he's not very good anymore. Maybe he doesn't want close ups because he had big pores or something. But there were a few so you knew it was Christopher Lee. Or maybe he had a big facial tattoo since the last Lord of the Rings film and they thought well that would make this film obviously

post dated. No no there were a few close ups but it just wasn't when he was talking, which made me think he was balling up his lines. So not as many as when Cate Blanchett was talking in 17, right? So like I said, I can't be bothered to look into it, but I wonder if that is true. I don't know. The ageing might be a thing,

because that film's set, what, like 80 years before Lord of the Rings. Yes, and yet over 10 years since they filmed it. So there might be a thing where he obviously looks a lot older. I mean, he was in pretty good fat for Lord of the Rings, I think. Maybe he's just not... Maybe he's looking like a really old man. Like I say, don't care. Just happy to broadcast my thought on that one.

Wow. Another Olly Mann conspiracy theory for the ages. Add it to the book. The first of the year. Huzzah. Here's a question from a character who sounds a bit like someone from Tolkien. It's Laura in Lox Heath.

Doesn't that sound like somewhere in the Shire? Lox Heath, sort of. Laura. No, Laura not so much. No. If it was like Laurel. Lauronsalot. Laurel with a stupid surname,

like Laurel Figgin Bell. Anyway, back down to earth because this isn't a question about anything fantastical. It's about chilli con carne in genitals. She says, I just made some chilli con carne. Helen, answer me this. What's the best way to get chilli residue off your fingers

so as not to start burning sensitive areas of the body? I need to take my contacts out soon, so any help will be great. Interesting transition there, pronoun-wise. Get chilli off your fingers. Sensitive areas of my body I need. Well, Laura, the hot maker of chilli capsaicin is fat soluble so smear yourself

in oil for instance rub it in for a couple of minutes then wash your hands very thoroughly with soap and water a surfactant will do it like a soap

will lift weights hold on a minute so you dip your fingers in because this happened to me we were with each other actually we were in a BBC studio and I put a lot of Tabasco on my salad

went for a wee oh yes oh god and I was in some discomfort i've never more wanted to be uncircumcised than during that 15 minutes or do you now carry around tongs with which to handle your genitals after a chilly laced meal i should get some pissing gloves um and the way i dealt with it i mean this is crude screaming on air but no no the way i don't was i I did go to the loo and I washed my willy under the tap. Yeah. And did any newsreader come in? And I thought that would be the best way to deal with it.

Are you saying water is not as good as oil? I would have been better off going to the salad bar and putting olive oil on it. It's not water soluble. Capsaicin isn't water soluble. So if you're a victim of, say, pepper spray, the idea is that you dose yourself with milk. Wow, I never knew that. I thought water would be fine. No.

This is why when you have a hot curry, for instance, drinking water doesn't really calm it down. But if you drank, say, a mango lassi or ate some plain yoghurt. Or five tiger beers. Yeah, after that, the pain would just be a memory. If you've got a question, email your question to answer me this podcast at googlemail.com

Answer me this podcast at googlemail.com It's great. The new BMO VI Porter MasterCard is your ticket to more. More perks. More points. More flights. More of all the things you want in a travel rewards card.

And then some. Get your ticket to more with the new BMO VI Porter MasterCard and get up to $2,400 in value in your first 13 months. Terms and conditions apply. Visit bmo.com slash VIPorter to learn more. Here's a question from Melanie who says, I've recently visited Florida and love all the food over there, like Denny's and IHOP, International House of Pancakes,

in case you're listening thinking, IHOP? I think there's so much food to eat in America, Melanie, that it seems weird to have specified this very unsophisticated palette of the Denny's and the IHOP. You know, we all like a bit of fast food, but there's so much to choose from there. If you're on holiday, why go for the really low-class stuff? Well, also, those are national chains,

whereas a lot of the states have ones that are particular to that region yeah could have gone for something a little wackier well actually if you want that kind of cheap canteen food in florida you could have gone to shoney's what's great about it is not the food not the service or the environment um so you might think why am i recommending this it's the incredible price i mean so you know how sometimes when something's so cheap it's worth just going just to marvel at the price, like the first time you go into a pound shop. I disagree. It's like those places on Shepherd's Bush Green

where it's two pounds for all the curry you can eat. I reckon that is not worth it even for that price. Well, Shoney's, okay, so they do an all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet. And the quality of the food, I would say, is on a par with a good McDonald's breakfast. So is that Denny's compatible? Yes, yeah, yeah, similar, similar food. But what's incredible is it's something like £5.99

for as much as you can eat of, like pancakes, burgers, sausages, unlimited refillable coffee. I'd rather just spend $6 and have like a normal meal. Yeah, yeah, so would I, but it's worth going for the experience is what I'm saying. Well, Melanie says, I brought back some Dunkin' Donuts coffee

that I bought from Walgreens in an attempt to keep my America experience going at home. Yeah, it never works when you try and do that. Oh, American sweets. Yeah, that's a disaster. Yeah, they taste like otherworldly here. Like what seems reasonable there just feels obscene here. It's a bit like petrochemicals in your mouth.

However, says Melanie, when I excitedly tried to make some of my Dunkin' Donuts coffee, I realised I bought coffee beans. Don't understand the problem. What's the problem here? You have to grind them. I don't have a coffee grinder. Oh, okay.

So Ollie asked me this. What's the best way to still be able to drink this coffee without having to pay for another flight to the States? Help! Coffee grinders are 15 quid at Argos. You lunatic. What if you really stuck this, bash it with a brick or

something does that work what about if you put your coffee beans through through a blender i'm sure it's i'm sure for coffee aficionados that's insufficient but it is dunkin donuts coffee i wonder if you did like you know when magicians take a watch and wrap it up in a napkin and bash it with a hammer wonder if you did that with coffee beans whether that would theoretically work i mean that's how you crush up biscuits to make rocky road yeah exactly yeah like that i don't think it's labor intensive but perfectly fine if you're really stuck just buy the grinder melanie because it's not just this bag of beans it's future beans yes although i wonder whether i'm making a judgment here on melanie based on the fact that she went to america and

her favorite thing was i hop and denny's uh in a world where there is a world where there is disney's animal kingdom you don't come back talking about the i hop do you there are manatees in florida exactly um there's nasa anyway there are pelicans everywhere i'm making a judgment based Where there is Disney's Animal Kingdom. You don't come back talking about the IHOP, do you? There are manatees in Florida. Exactly. There's NASA. Anyway. There are pelicans everywhere. I'm making a judgment based on that and the fact that Melanie has had this experience where apparently she's been foxed by some beans.

I wonder... Just like Jack and the Beanstalk. I wonder whether our solution of buy a coffee grinder is actually not enough for Melanie because I wonder whether she's ever had anything other than instant coffee. Maybe she then doesn't have a way of using ground coffee as well. Maybe she thought she was buying instant.

In which case, she not only has to buy, of course, a grinder, but also a cafetiere or a coffee machine. Well, cafetières are pretty cheap. I think they start at about 10 quid. You can put the coffee beans in a sock, whack it with a brick, and then just put that sock in some hot water until the liquid is brown.

Actually, yeah, that would sort of work. The taste of America. My point being being she may have to spend 25 pounds even if she went to asda which of course is owned by walmart over here good point to keep it in the branding uh which is maybe asking too much just to have a taste of florida but maybe not maybe not the thing is i've never really understood why people make such a fuss about dunkin donuts coffee anyway i've never had it it's fine that's what it is it's fine maybe people like fine i'd go further than fine it's better than starbucks it is the best starbucks is all better than starbucks better mcdonald's it's stronger than the coffee you get in a typical american roadhouse okay but not special really

i think why it tastes particularly good dunkin donuts compared to other fast food joints in america is it the stink of donuts filling the air? No, I'm related to the donuts. I think it's, basically they make it fresh. They grind it fresh in the shop for you. And in other fast food outlets, those ancient waitresses will leave that pot just on the hob for four hours. Which is its own kind of taste, yeah. But that's sort of slightly stale coffee.

Whereas Dunkin' Donuts is always fresh. But the actual, the mix of coffee that they have, it's Arabica beans. So what? I mean, you know, that's sort of slightly stale coffee whereas dunkin donuts is always fresh but the actual the mix of coffee that they have it's arabica beans so what i mean you know that's standard coffee you can buy coffee here that's the same the other thing that i think might be to a brit unusual about dunkin donuts is that of course americans tend not to use milk in their coffee they tend to use creamer so if you go to the states and you're not used to that then you chuck in like five sachets of that diabetes causing vanilla and god knows what and it tastes incredible because it tastes like a sweet but you wouldn't want that every day and you're not used to that, then you chuck in like five sachets of that diabetes-causing vanilla and God knows what, and it tastes incredible because it tastes like a sweet. But you wouldn't want that every day,

and you haven't got that here. If you put normal milk in it, it's just going to taste like coffee. Okay, but you could get some creamer, and if you can't be bothered to buy the creamer on top of all the other investments we're forcing you to make, just use some Tippex or something. This is actually a timely question indeed,

because we are seeing a resurgence of Dunkin' Donuts here in the UK. By resurgence, do you mean more than none? Yeah. When did we have them before quite recently? I think in possibly the early 90s,

the last one shut, which was the one that's now called, I think, Donuts & Company and it's in Piccadilly Circus. I've not seen that. We do have a Cinnabon in Piccadilly Circus,

I've noticed, but I've not been in it. Yeah, that's a recent addition. But anyway, Dunkin' Donuts as a brand is now back in the UK. The first one opened in Harrow in December and the next one opens,

if you're listening to this episode on the day it comes out, tomorrow from 8am on Valentine's Day. You can get in line in the Dunkin' Donuts in Moolstroom Street, Chelmsford. Melanie, is that convenient for you? Because you go in there with your bag of beans going, help me! Yeah, because she's talking about going back to Florida to drink it. Why not go to Chelmsford. Melanie, is that convenient for you? Because you go in there with your bag of beans going, help me!

Yeah, because she's talking about going back to Florida to drink it. Why not go to Chelmsford? Or Harrow. Or Harrow. The first 100 people in the queue at Chelmsford, says their local paper, get a free Dunkin' Donuts goodie bag. You might be able to double the amount of coffee beans you've already got. You've got a coffee grinder, haven't you?

I do. You went through a real beans phase. I did. Is it noticeably superior to pre-ground coffee? It's difficult to say because the experience is part of the fun like you feel like you're working that that grindy noise yes i'm guessing it's an electric one not a cranky i'm not a cranky kind of guy no you're not um so then you feel like you've invested in the taste a little more what i found actually makes the coffee taste better recently is using one of the traditional Italian sort of espresso things

that goes on the hob. Yeah, those are fun. Where the water's kind of filtered through the coffee rather than vice versa. That tastes better, I think. Is Melanie going to like that, though? Does that fit in with the IHOP Denny's taste profile? You know, it's another tenner she has to spend.

You know, spending 50 quid to get a cup of coffee at the moment. Get a bus ticket to Chelmsford and go to Dunkin' Donuts. That's my advice. Treat yourself. Train. Why not? If you're listening to this on the bus, why not lean forward to that gentleman sitting next to you, slowly lower your hand into his crotch, wriggle it around and say,

Oh, hello, I know your number. 0208 123 5877 You saucy rascal Here's a question from Mark, who says When I was growing up, there was the Duracell bunny He was my best friend and we told each other everything He was always on the go These days, he seems to have defected to rival battery company energizer what answer me this

did he really defect to energizer or are energizer batteries ripping off duracell's intellectual property is that allowed and are there any other rival companies that have done similar or am i thick and they aren't rivals you're not fit well i don't know if you're thick but on this point you're not thick they are rivals duracell and energizer are not owned by the same company they're not okay um and you are correct in pointing out that there is an energizer bunny and there is a duracell bunny are they competitive bunnies they are competitive bunnies are they the same color because duracell bunny's pink isn't it they are the same color whoa this is madness how did this outrageous state of affairs come to be?

I demand a fight to decide the one true bunny. Mark is right to say the Duracell bunny was first. When was Duracell bunny born? 1973. Oh, gosh. Energizer bunny, 1989. So there's no question that Energizer bunny ripped off Duracell. But there is a reason there is method in the madness.

Is Energizer bunny the child of duracell bunny did duracell bunny have a child while they were still in school and so the family had them adopted out to energizer no but that's uh creative thanks one obviously begat the other but energizer will always open about that the reason this happened is that the energizer bunny is a parody of the duracell bunny right and that was obvious in the original commercial campaign from 1989 by the way if you haven't seen it i should explain this is a very weird conversation the duracell bunny commercial was a pink bunny banging on a drum yeah and then there were other rival bunnies running on rival batteries and they all died whilst they were playing the drum because they couldn't last as long as the Duracell bunny. And so the campaign was and is and remains.

And actually, if you think about it, people use that term energizer bunny, Duracell bunny to usually mean something that goes on and on and on. So sometimes people talk about it in a sex context as well. The idea of the brand value was use Duracell. It goes on and on and on. Use them in your vibrator. Yeah, but basically it was kind ofacell it goes on and on and on. Use them in your vibrator. Yeah but basically it was kind of part of it yeah. So actually actually if you think about what the advert was saying right from the beginning there were always rival brands of batteries running different bunnies

because that's the whole context of the advert isn't it? Presumably the Duracell bunny was there and other bunnies were running on Energizer. Presumably the Energizer bunny though is not surrounded by Duracell powered bunnies that are banging that drum for longer than it is. No, exactly. And, well, hence the parody. So what happened is Duracell had a worldwide trademark on the Duracell bunny, but their intellectual property, their patent, ended in 1989

and they forgot to renew it in North America. Ha ha ha! Idiots! So the advertising PR company that were running Energizer, which at the time was the kind of David david to the goliath of duracell were like ha look at this they've forgotten to renew it we'll do a piss-taking commercial and so they did one with the energizer bunny completely ripping out of the duracell bunny they opportunistically leapt on the possibility of buying the intellectual property of a bunny that runs on batteries and in north america ran a series of campaigns that clearly were a joke about the duracell bunny but what happened since then is

energizer have maintained that intellectual property in north america which is why here in europe we still have the duracell bunny but in america duracell have started advertising in other ways have they got the duracell guinea pig or something something like that i don't know and the energizer bunny was such a success in and of itself that it's now become the logo of energizer in the states and although it's slightly cooler than the duracell bunny it wears shades it's basically the duracell bunny campaign like it stopped being a parody now yeah it's just humor doesn't last exactly so anyone born in america in the last 25 years thinks that the energizer bunny was the original battery-powered bunny campaign but it wasn't they've just ripped it off it's completely unacceptable i think that's made 25 years thinks that the Energizer bunny was the original battery powered bunny campaign,

but it wasn't. They've just ripped it off. It's completely unacceptable, I think. That's made me feel quite sad, weirdly, even though we're talking about massive companies and advertising, both of which make me sad in different ways. Yeah, I think it's, if I was the guy who'd invented the Duracell bunny, I'd be really bitter about it. Yeah. And if I was an Energizer, I'd always feel a bit second rate. And in answer to Mark's second question, which is, are there any other rival companies that have done similar things to this Energizer Duracell thing?

Oh, I'm guessing loads. The one I can think of that I think sort of got the furthest down the road in terms of actual legal action was Mattel suing MGA. Now, Mattel won this legal act. What is MGA? Do they make fake Barbies or something? No, they make Bratz. or something no they make brats like legitimately make brats massive doll franchise the person who invented brats the doll had invented brats whilst he was working for mattel and still an employee of mattel but he

was a consultant for mga oh i bet that happens in silicon valley all the time exactly someone's working at facebook and they invent a massive app and they piss off so this is what happened the guy who invented brats took it to mga and then mattel said hold on you were technically working for us when you invented that sued them for 100 million dollars and won 100 million dollars is barely anything to those companies well that's interesting because brats don't really look like barbie and i don't i haven't studied them but i don't think brats have the hooters that barbie has no no well it wasn't about them looking like barbie it's that mattel could have made brats if only he had taken it to them rather than mga maybe they were annoyed because this employee had been slacking off at work yeah well

no i think they were probably annoyed because they didn't make brats which turned into this massive thing i mean they wouldn't have sued them if it hadn't been a successful toy would it i mean imagine how many toy designing employees come up with toys all the time yeah flop well also presumably if they're making barbie they, if he'd offered it to them, would have been like, we've got Barbie. Yeah, exactly. Do they make Cindy as well? No, that's another company as well.

Cindy's always been second rate, hasn't she? Poor Cindy. You say Cindy now, and it doesn't even mean... Like, Barbie means a lot of things culturally, doesn't it? Yeah, barbecue. No, but you can use it to talk about the sexualisation of children. You can use it to talk about feminism. you can use it to talk about the sexualization of children you can use it to talk about feminism you can use it to talk about porn you say the word barbie in an adult conversation and people are like they know what that means what that brand is

it's like gormless big tits you know conventionally attractive but you know not necessarily the most positive image for young girls you say cindy you have to clarify by which i mean the doll from the 90s that people don't really have anymore i think you're talking about uh our friend cindy yeah who's a healer yeah exactly i feel a bit sorry for cindy in that in that context well i don't think she could ever be barbie now i don't think she could have then but then she was launched as a barbie knockoff so it's not like the energizer bunny taking over all of the battery operated bunny work she was just trailing in the wake of Barbie. I thought Cindy was a bit more innocent than Barbie.

I think it's more that Barbie is sexually provocative, isn't she? Like the electric pink and all of that, that's the issue with Barbie, isn't it? That's why people worry about what it's saying to little girls, isn't it? Barbie is empowered, but nonetheless she's on the pull. She's not really empowered, though. Well, that's the whole debate, isn't it? Yeah, well... I mean, she wouldn't know what it means. Typ really empowered, though. Well, that's the whole debate, isn't it? Yeah, well...

I mean, she wouldn't know what it means. Typical of a man to put words into a woman's mouth. But Cindy, yeah, she's not even playing the game, is she? Do people even get wound up that Cindy represents an unobtainable body type to young girls? They're like, oh... They don't say that about Sylvanian families, either. I've got the perfect Sovietian families buddy type

they never say that Polly Pocket encourages fetishisation for the diminutive is Polly Pocket the one with all the locks and things she's the girl

you can put in your pocket I mean what does that say about sexual relations well that is just a rip off of Mrs Pepperpot anyway that's not a toy that's a series of books so of course you wouldn't

remember well no no in fairness I believe Polly Pocket I think is a whole like house it's a whole of books So of course you wouldn't remember Well no no no In fairness I believe Polly Pocket I think Is a whole like house That folds into a locket Yeah yeah yeah So it's not to just

Rip off the character is it Because the whole world Goes in your pocket Well also Mrs Pepperpot Had a normal sized husband Did she? That is pervy isn't it How would that have worked

She was normal sized Most of the time She just sometimes shrank So she was what Like six inches tall Yeah But with a man who had Like arguably a six inch penis?

That's so weird, isn't it? Maybe he had a micropenis. He must have. Maybe she pegged him when she was small. She used her full body to peg him. Maybe. Still disgusting, isn't it? I can't believe we're tarnishing my childhood literary memories this way. I thought it was quite a good series of stories. I don't think it ever dealt with his sexual matters.

Has there never been a porn version of Mrs Pepperpot? Mrs Ponypot or something? Listeners, most of you have been very patient with the alterations to this podcast this year. Well, that's what you think. You haven't been receiving the genitals in the post. That's fan mail, isn't it, for you? Most of you have been fine with the fact that we've gone fortnightly,

but a few of you have been a little whiny. We suggest that you split the podcast in two. Listen to one half one week, second half the second week, just like we were weekly, like the old days. Like we are a chocolate bar and you are Charlie Bucket.

Yeah. Although, I mean, he rationed it much more carefully than that. That's right. And he spread it between his grandparents, which we wouldn't necessarily recommend with our content. Look, I'll take the first five minutes,

then Grandpa Joe, you can have the last 10. So we thought, just to ease your progress, we'd have a little intermission in the middle of the show. So you can stop listening now and then start again at this point next week, OK? All right. And now, ladies and gentlemen,

we proudly present the intermission, brought to you by Answer Me This, episode 57. Apparently it's not abnormal, though, to have slightly greyish or yellow semen, particularly if you've not ejaculated for a while. Oh, that's the kind of advice that only sounds brilliant when you deliver it, Helen. Protein without a blood supply to colour it

will appear white. Oh, it's lovely, isn't it? You wouldn't know what she was talking about. And semen is largely composed of amino acids, i.e. proteins. It's lovely. It's like Dictionary Corner, but for wanking. That was the intermission.

And for more vintage Answer Me This fun, be sure to visit AnswerMeThisStore.com. Here's a question from Pat from Canada, who says, Ollie, you've mentioned that you've recently moved into a new home. Congratulations. Thank you, Pat. Ollie, answer me this. When people visit your home for the first time,

do you automatically give them a tour? Well, yeah, but not like the milkman or something. But yeah, if a friend visits for the first time, do you automatically give them a tour? Well, yeah, but not like the milkman or something. But yeah, if a friend visits for the first time, I think that's expected, isn't it? Otherwise, they might not know where the loo is and they might go into your bedroom and piss in there. But also, we live in a very small little cottage. So the tour really involves, see that up the stairs? Yeah, well, that's the bedroom. That's it.

That's the tour, really. It's not a particularly lengthy tour. And also, I think it's sort of respecting the fact that people have travelled to get to my house. It's not like they tend to very often be in the neighbourhood. So I think it's the least I can do. Also, your tour, if it's a fine day, could encompass the garden and the view from the garden.

So that's quite a good tour. Pat says, the reason I asked this is that we recently had some old friends over and they'd never seen our home where we've lived for 14 years. So we haven't given anyone a tour for many, many years. Well, I think that's a good reason to give a tour. Yeah. You know, keep it lively, keep it fresh.

Reassess your own home as viewed through the eyes of strangers. Yes, I often find when I come back from holiday, even if I've only been away for a weekend, you look at the house through fresh eyes. So small. Yeah. Pat says, I think my husband wanted to show off to his old high school friend as we have teenagers i don't clean their rooms anymore and it would have been hard to get

them to tidy up prior to this visit so i told my husband to keep it to the main floor and backyard that's a mistake pat i think people can um they can understand exactly they can contextualize teenagers bedroom i think tour of main floor and grounds is ample though well actually i disagree i always like to see every room. I'm interested in every room. I'm interested in the way it's furnished. I project myself into them. I think oh if I lived here

what would it be like if I got up in the morning in this bed how would I feel? So Ollie once been this when do you give people a tour and when is it just showing off? I think generally

it's not showing off. I think generally it's fine. If they're showing interest and especially if you've got many fascinating artefacts that would be showing off though if you're going and here is our original Warhol. Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah yeah i've even taken to giving people tours of the lbc studios now uh because

lbc's parent company global run pretty much every commercial radio station in london yeah so they've got heart capital classic gold yeah there's a particular point in the corridor as well where there's a sofa where you sit and you can hear virtually all of those radio stations at the same time. Yeah, that's not a pleasant confluence. That way madness lies. Too many noises. But you know, it's quite a trendy sort of funky building. So when people, so like my parents, for example, I wanted to give them the tour.

There's a sixth floor roof terrace, which gives you a skyline over the Houses of Parliament and you see the London Eye. That's cool. You're on level with Nelson, you're eye to eye with Nelson on his column. You get a very unusual view of Leicester Square. It it's very cool and it has a toilet up there as well wow when i don't know it's just adjacent but uh when i took my parents there at night about eight o'clock at night showed them the roof terrace um we were sitting on the roof terrace and one of the big cheeses came out of his office and walked past at the exact moment my dad went for a shit i mean

couldn't have been time better my dad went to use the facility next to his office and then he came out but what's what's bad about that people need to function because you don't want to be the guy who brings their parents embarrassing enough showing your parents to this shiny building your parents yeah and then your dad goes for a poo at the moment that the boss comes out that is embarrassing it's not it's not the way you want to introduce yourself is it can't take them anywhere can you parents here's a question from alice who says i was making sushi this evening and when i was adding the sushi vinegar to the rice i noticed that it smells exactly the same as regular vinegar and it looks the same as white vinegar it's all vinegar baby yeah you would you would think it was uh so hel, answer me this. What's so special about sushi vinegar,

apart from the fact it's used in sushi? Well, sushi vinegar is made of rice and also has salt and sugar added, whereas ordinary white vinegar is just distilled, like cheap grains, like malt. So how comes it does smell and taste so similar and why make it point of choosing a different one? The thing that makes vinegar vinegar is presumably ethanoic acid,

which is going to be common to any kind of vinegar, whatever it's made from, whether it's wine or cider or something else. But I think the vinegars do smell different, so I think maybe Alice just does not have a very sophisticated vinegar nose. I suppose, in a way, it's kind of like, you know how everyone's bin is different, and yet they all smell of bins. Everyone's got a slightly different fragrance,

but you can identify it as what it is. It's a type of vinegar, which in itself makes sense because it's like a rotting thing, isn't it? Like a bin or a toilet. It's a thing that's, you know, dying and developing. Maturing.

I think I preferred vinegar before we... Well, it's just oxidising alcohol, isn't it? Yeah, exactly. It's not like decaying or rotting in the sense there's bacteria in it. It's just a chemical reaction. Here's a question from melinda who says helen answer me this how the hell do they make a terry's chocolate orange let's face it it's a stroke of genius that made chocolate into a fruit give terry's the nobel prize helen answer me this do they a make the

segments and stick them together with more chocolate yes but oh do the rest though do the rest i'll add a bit of mystery to it maybe i actually i thought it was b so uh you know we can still have a discussion you're gonna find out martin b make the sphere of chocolate and then somehow chop little slices into it oh dream on that's what i fear is virtually impenetrable and also the chocolate segments have got little indentations to suggest oranginess yes that's true what about c where they cast the whole thing in one piece but they have some sort of dividers in the cast so so that is really not as simple as option a well option c as she put it was none of the above option a right so the segments are made flat i, and then they assemble them into the sphere, they pour chocolate down the middle, which is why you get that

chocolate pith, which I think is the funnest bit to eat. That's the best bit. It's the best bit but it's the same as all the other bits, so I don't know why it's the best. It's got an amazing texture. Here is a question from Elliot, who says, Helen, answer me this. Why do they put rings in bulls' noses? Seems pretty obvious. And by they, I think he means

farmers, I suppose, and people who run circuses. People who work as piercers in Camden Market. Yeah, well, anyone who tends in bulls noses seems pretty obvious by they I think he means farmers I suppose and people who run circuses people who work as piercers in Camden Market yeah well anyone who tends a bull yeah

I thought this was obvious it's not obvious to me is it to help you drag the animal along well sort of yeah it's to control the bull because bulls are rather they're notoriously difficult

yeah strong dangerous animals but if they've got a piece of metal through the very delicate tissue of the nose they're less likely to flail around and kick you to death but but why because you put

a piece of rope through the ring and then you can uh tether them around such a horrible way to be led around yeah yeah rope through your nose yeah no but i do have nightmares i don't wear dangly earrings very much because i'm so worried about one of them say catching on my collar and ripping my earlobe yeah yeah yeah so i wouldn't like this treatment no although i suppose i mean i'm not a ball just to point out the obvious if someone controlled me i mean i wouldn't like this no but i'm just saying if i had to have some sort of prince albert no nipple ring no i'd rather have it i was going to say necklace like the human equivalent would be if someone put a necklace around it would be annoying but it would be relatively humane compared to where they could put it.

Also, there's another putative reason. It encourages the bulls to wean because the mothers don't like breastfeeding a creature that has a ring through their face because it hurts. So it gets them off the breast milk quicker. That sounds a bit cruel. Why is that an advantage when you're raising a bull? Probably because you can take it away and do bull things with it sooner. Yeah, but you'd think...

You don't want them to be mummy's bulls, do you? At my village feet, my hotcakes sell like hotcakes. I want to expand my business beyond the school gates, so I make so much money. My wallet would fill a lake, or a reservoir would do With Squarespace.com you can build an e-commerce website Track your hotcake orders and take safe payments through Stripe

Your hotcakes are so hot they'll set the internet alight Selling like hotcakes, do you see? Thank you very much to Squarespace for financing this episode of Answer Me This and particularly as they advertised during the Super Bowl and yet they're still dabbling with our little cottage industry as of now as well this is the exciting change they announced during the Super Bowl you can now use their commerce platform regardless of which level of Squarespace membership you buy really so you can get the cheapest and you can build yourself a nice store like what you did

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answer and the number 2 to get 10% off. Since we're talking about the Super Bowl here is a question about Brunouno mars entertainer of the super bowl yes uh from brian who says my mum offered me the chance to see bruno mars live with one of my friends wow that's good and as a regular 18 year old male i had never been more happy about anything ever well that's interesting i wasn't sure how bruno mars ranked with 18 year old males i like bruno mars and therefore i thought maybe he wasn't cool yeah but you have the sensibilities of a 14 year old girl in so many ways exactly so again yeah that'd be cool to an 18 year old male i

don't know apparently so ryan may be atypical but then maybe most people are well he's saying that most 18 year old males regular 18 year old males would be thrilled yeah well he said i'd never been more happy about anything ever so maybe he has never experienced sexual pleasure maybe or maybe he'd just go out of his way to go and see bruno maybe he'd catch a grenade to go and watch bruno mars well here's the problem though ollie in a way he would be catching a grenade because ryan says there's a small hole in the idea of going to a live performance and it's that i suffer from photosensitive epilepsy i did not see that curveball coming seemed like such a happy story he did everything was turning up ryan until this

because of my unbelievable fear of having a seizure at a concert and pissing myself i declined the offer but my mom said the offer was always there and after seeing a few videos of him in concert the idea of not going is killing me yeah Yeah, well, actually the Super Bowl stuff obviously hasn't helped because it was... Have you seen Bruno Mars at the Super Bowl? I haven't, but I heard good. It was good.

It was good. Even though the Red Hot Chili Peppers were there too. Well, the thing is it was a surprise to see the Chili Peppers. Not an obvious overlap. Not an obvious overlap.

And the fact that they're now... Did they do a duet? Well, they came on and went, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. And he just sort of nodded next to them. Yeah, he's used to them yeah he's

used to that he's seen the muppets um but it was what was cool is they're still shirtless even though they're now i imagine 80 so that was looking good on it it was quite nice and also the the performance stuff whatever you think of bruno mars and i happen to like him and think he's very talented it started with him doing a drum solo for two minutes which is an audacious way for any pop star to start i think especially when one is accustomed to him playing the piano exactly maybe playing the guitar and not just a drum solo but a drum solo in which the uh he was on a kind of throne of drums that moved from the center of the stadium whilst he was playing it up to the stage then he got up and did the splits i mean that's the split that's you know like i say whatever you think of him at least

he was really putting the effort in okay well no wonder ryan is so keen to go despite the photosensitive epilepsy ryan says ollie answer me this should i say fuck it and go and see my favorite musician with the constant fear of suddenly doing a fish out of water impression halfway through the concert or should i blow the whole thing aside or should i should i just stay at home and say today i don't feel like going to see bruno mars i'm just going to play in my pants um that's an option for every day yeah i'm not particularly comfortable with being in the position of offering medical advice here so may i put the caveat on this if if our future lawyers are listening that i made it very clear at the time and i yes i in fact i don't listen to what i'm about to say oh oh no what is it well no just i think you should probably risk it what I'm about to say. Oh, no. What is it?

Well, no, just I think you should probably risk it, but that is not medical advice. I think you should consult your doctor, Ryan, because your doctor will be better versed in the dangers of this venture than we will. But also, they might have some techniques to help you deal with it. Yeah. Because I've read that covering one eye can massively reduce the chance of having fits because you're reducing the number of brain nerve endings that can get overstimulated by this sort of thing. That's right, yeah.

Because, of course, there's advice out there for people that aren't just planning to go and see things where they know there's going to be strobe lights, like a Bruno Mars concert, but who accidentally stumble across it one day. Well, even if there are no lights as part of the show, the audience will be taking pictures with their phones and flashing lights all the time. That's not going to be as bright, though, is it? It can set people off, just the twinkly lights. It's about how close you are to it.

So if someone's using a flash right next to you, that is as bad as the one from the stage coming in. There are anti-epilepsy drugs. Now, I don't know if you're on drugs, and I don't know if they work temporarily. So consult your GP, as aforementioned. So do consult your GP. But it seems to me like it should be possible

to go on a course of drugs for a month beforehand which should prepare you if you're also looking away with your hand over your eye however at what point do you say your enjoyment of the concert

is being limited by all these ridiculous things or just even the fear of it happening even if it doesn't happen but if you do go I think maybe contact the venue

and see if you could be situated in a place where it's easy to get out if you need to because if you're in one of these massive venues which I'd imagine is what Bruno Mars plays you might be situated in a place where it's easy to get out if you need to. Because if you're in one of these massive venues, which I'd imagine is what Bruno Mars plays, you might be in a sea of people, whereas you want to be able to exit

and be not surrounded if you have to. So I can ask a very, very naive question. Do concert promoters not think of this anymore? There must be a fair few people who have photosensitive epilepsy. Not many. Tiny amount of people, compared to even the amount of people

that are in wheelchairs. Yeah, they provide for them. But when you talk about people with photosensitive epilepsy, it only affects mainly people under 30 anyway. But 50,000 people in a venue, there must be, what, a dozen people in that audience? Yes, yeah, but the point is they don't necessarily know they've got it until they have a fit.

And also, the venues do say contains flashing lights, etc. So it's like it contains traces of peanuts. They're saying this isn't our problem. If you want to maximise your chances of not having a fit as well, don't go tired and don't drink booze while you're there. But if, as you say, photosensitive epilepsy reduces over time, just go to see Bruno Mars in 30 years.

Not that it's much of a substitute, but in case you were thinking, you know what, I won't risk Bruno Mars, I'll go and watch Stephen Ward, the new Andrew Lloyd Webber musical instead. Because those two are probably the hot favourites for an 18-year-old boy. My taste, apparently, aligned very much for the 18 year old boy yeah uh don't go and see that no because it's a good show i mean do go and see it and they're a flashy light if you've got photosensitive epilepsy and i didn't notice i mean i don't look for them but i didn't notice any signs saying there's strobe lighting in this show

and part two of stephen ward begins with a press pack of paps with flash bulbsbs aimed at the audience like suddenly 50 flashbulbs going on and i did think they are asking for trouble with it if ryan here's an idea go to stephen ward leave in the interval but then sue them because they didn't warn about the flashing lights in the second half yes and use the millions that you can generate to find a miracle cure and go and see bruno mars i was gonna say to fund a private concert with bruno mars he'd probably do that wouldn't he they all do these dodgy private gigs. Maybe Bruno Mars will do a daytime gig in somewhere like Hyde Park

and then the flashing lights wouldn't really be a problem. That's a very sensible solution, but... It does involve booking Bruno Mars for Hyde Park. Bruno Mars, if you're listening to the podcast, can you do an afternoon gig? Because the thing is, Bruno Mars, let's say he played Glastonbury,

which is conceivable. Absolutely. I'd imagine he'd be not the headliner but also not anything less than the support I reckon he'd be the big act on the Saturday afternoon wouldn't he no I think he'd be support to the big act on the Saturday night so I think he's at the point being after the sun still would have set or it would be setting during his acts you've still got the same issue ask Bruno Mars to take a worse slot at Glastonbury maybe you could do a gig in the Arctic Circle during the summer. Perfect.

I feel very good that we nailed that problem. So what better time to end the show? But please do send us questions for future shows and all of our contact details are on our website. AnswerMeThisPodcast.com Also on there, our albums and our old episodes. That's right. And remember that as of now, you can listen to my radio show

every night from 1am on a weekday, but not only in London on FM, but now as of this week on DAB nationally. So if you're anywhere in the UK, you can now listen to LBC nationally. I will be your sonic companion from one in the morning. And if you're anywhere else in the world that does not have severely restricted internet,

you can just listen to me on there if you want yeah why wouldn't you that's right yeah and there's an app and there's all sorts of things yeah and you can also listen to me on the spark london podcast and doing one of those story podcasts where you tell a story about your own life yeah which is difficult for me because i don't do anything give us the headline of the story without revealing the content of the story oh well that's hard in fact people who've been listening to the podcast since the beginning will have heard some of the story The pricey of the story is why I've never been to the funeral Of any of my four grandparents That's a great headline

I don't think you've just ruined it at all But if I told you what the story was about I think you would want to listen to it But then where would the surprise be So Spark London podcast for that LBC for my radio show And Martin You could get the Existential Meltdown album

Existentialmeltdown.bankcamp.com I got a retweet from Mary Beard the other day. Mary Beard? Wow, that's really good. Because finally someone had said something nice about Mary Beard on Twitter. She's like, I'm not going to let this slip. We name check her in the album. So yeah, she got a shout out.

Well, if you want a song about Mary Beard. Who doesn't? Don't answer that. Then that's where you can find that. Good. Okay, well that wraps up this episode and we shall see you in two weeks' time. Bye!