Answer Me This! - AMT284: Ice Skating, Seal and Men Wearing Ladies' Knickers

Episode Date: February 27, 2014

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Is back for life a nickname for my knackers? Has to be this, has to be this Is it Mr T who's the character or B.A. Baracus? Has to be this, has to be this Helen and Ollie, has to be this In episode 283, Ollie espoused his first conspiracy theory of 2014 Well, the first we could broadcast Listener Joseph has written in to explain his first conspiracy theory of 2014. Well, the first we could broadcast.

Listener Joseph has written in to explain your qualms about Christopher Lee's lack of close-ups in The Hobbit Part 1. Okay, I did specify explicitly that I didn't care, but, you know, maybe I will care when I hear the answer. Yes. He says, when filming The Hobbit, Christopher Lee actually filmed his scenes in Pinewood Studios in Britain, not in New Zealand,

and was added into the scene with Cate Blanchett and Ian McKellen. That actually is very interesting. That's a good explanation. So I guess he's quite old and New Zealand is quite far away. It's a really long flight. So they wanted him in the film, so they did it that way. And actually, the reason I like that bit of feedback, Joseph, is you have affirmed my own intelligence to me,

because I noticed that from watching it. Congratulations. I noticed just from watching. I hadn't read any fan forums, I didn't know that. I watched the scene and I thought, isn't that weird? You can't see Christopher Lee's face very much. What's going on? You smelt something was up. Exactly. You just didn't know what.

I did. Also, apropos of last episode, Stephen has written in to say, I don't think you've ever had so many stupid questions in one episode before. I have nothing more to add. Well then, Stephen, you can hold yourself responsible for the questions you think are so stupid, which happenstance I disagree with, because if you don't send in sensible questions,

where are we supposed to get sensible questions from in your esteem? There's no such thing as a stupid question, only a stupid podcaster. I also suspect that Stephen hasn't worked his way through the entire archive of 170 previously available episodes at answemethisstore.com. We've done, what is the point of a lamp? Where do chairs come from? I think that was a low point.

No, chairs are only a low point at a shiver, Martin. Everyone knows that. Now, sometimes it's hard to know when we're actually recording the episode, what is the question that's going to stick in our listeners' minds afterwards? What's the one that's going to be the landmark question of that episode? But I think that's going to stick in our listeners' minds afterwards? What's the one that's going to be the landmark question of that episode?

But I think it's safe to say you are about to hear the question of episode 284. Brace yourself. It is from Greg in Baghdad. He says, My name is Greg and I'm currently living and working in Iraq. That's where Baghdad is kept. That's right. While my girlfriend is working in Malawi.

Ooh, long distance relationship and a half. We both listened to your podcast and I'd like to surprise her with the following question. Helen and Ollie, answer me this. Will Nora in Malawi marry me? Wow. Gonna have to buy a new hat. We've had lots of questions about marriage over the years, haven't we? And hat i think we've had lots of questions about marriage

over the years haven't we and lots of questions about proposing lots of questions about weddings we've never actually had someone say over our airwaves if you can call a podcast an airwave interwaves interwaves will you marry me it's a very special moment it is special i feel quite overcome i'm also curious to know uh greg and n, assuming Nora does say yes, will the relatives be asked to come to Malawi or Iraq? Malaria pills or a shield? Maybe they'll have a destination wedding. Yes, I think that's probably for the best. How's Kashmir looking this time of year?

But yeah, good luck. Good luck, Greg. We're all rooting for you, Greg. And Nora, if it's a yes... Please call in with your yes. Skype, answer me this with the yes. And if it's a no, then please detail your reasons. Well, time for a question of fashion now. It's from Claire, aged 28 and a half, from Oxford, who says...

Helen, answer me this. Why don't more people wear balaclavas? I often get a very cold nose and chin, but do not want the social judgment associated with wearing such an accessory well you've answered your own question haven't you the reputation of balaclava has been rather damaged by burglars yeah bank robbers murderers terrorists i think when it comes to brand ambassadors the ira are not the best really um i disagree with her use of language though social judgment it's not really a social judgment so much as people cowering in fear for their lives i mean that's the point

isn't it you see a balaclava you think someone's up to no good i think people naturally are alarmed when they can't see your face because you take so many cues from someone's facial expression it's why also when you see a woman wearing a full coverage hijab i think often just people act like there isn't a human under there at all it's more just like a walking hijab the balaclava is effectively a ski mask isn't it it's for people in really cold places to cover as much of their face as possible and there used to be many more options many more types many more fashions but over time it's dwindled down to the balaclava covering everything well or the open face well they still exist well yeah but they're called something else they're

called ski masks or whatever i wonder if actually if you wanted a sort of friendly approachable balaclava maybe go to a ski specialist and get get a brightly coloured one. Yeah, a pink one with snowflakes on it. Oh, I've got an even better idea. If you can find a supplier, get an adult-sized baby's bonnet. Covers your cheeks, covers your chin. It's probably made out of pale yellow wool. No one's going to find that terrifying. Then rob a bank!

Here's another question of fashion from a man who wishes to remain anonymous. And you will shortly find out why He says I am a man in my late twenties Who has recently switched from wearing boxer shorts To wearing ladies knickers Well it's cheaper Boxer shorts are ever so expensive Is that right?

How much is a pair of decent knickers? Well decent I don't know But you can get adequate ones Like three for a fiver Your knickers three for a fiver. I could not say about my current ones. Because they're so old, they're no longer currently available?

From the pre-decimal era. Actually, my dad does have underpants from the pre-decimal era. It's true. Well, anyway, our anonymous contributor continues. I prefer ladies' knickers as they are more comfortable,

both in style and the material used. Really? Where is he getting these knickers from that are not made of itchy lace or something? I enjoy being able to wear something more colourful and pretty than boring men's underwear. Now I think we can all get behind that, can't we? Yeah.

Getting on to the real reason here. Although Martin has some very colourful and pretty boxers shorts, don't you, Martin? Yeah, I try and choose pretty patterns. I have no particular desire to wear any other articles of women's clothing. It's just an underwear thing. My girlfriend is entirely not bothered by this. You better not be taking her pants, though.

I was wondering about that. I bet she would be bothered if you were doing that. There might be different sizes. You need extra ballroom. I had no reason to suspect my girlfriend would be bothered by this, so I was entirely confident in telling her about it. Sounds like you have a good relationship. It does. Entirely confident is stronger than I would expect.

My friends and co-workers, however, it's a different story. That's because they're your friends and co-workers. I think it would be odd to talk about your pants to those people. I'm completely unsure how my friends and co-workers would react to this news. I reckon they would go, why is anonymous guy talking about his pants to us? Not my business. On the one hand, it is none of their business.

On the other hand, should they discover this fact about me accidentally... Well, like you get run over by a bus or something. Like your mum says, always wear clean underwear in case you get run over by a bus. Yeah, well, no, actually, I was thinking if you were standing by one of those trough-shaped urinals that didn't have the dividers and you were standing there with your willy poking out

a side of women's underwear, I think they may notice and find it a bit weird. Do you think you could pass them off as briefs? Well, it depends what they're made out of. If they're lace, I'd imagine most men's briefs

are not made of lace. He continues, should they discover this fact about me, I'm concerned that having concealed it from them, as if they deserve to know, it may well cause them to believe it is something to be ashamed of. I believe it should be seen as no different from a woman wearing clothes tailored for a man,

which is fairly commonplace. Very true. He says, I have various personality traits also that would be conventionally associated with women. Well, you're amongst friends here. And aside from aside from some occasional piss taking which is not a problem people generally accept these qualities of mine uh so should this knicker wearing be any different helen answer me this should i tell people or not that is quite a complicated issue because i don't think you're under any obligation to share this or that you have any

reason to feel like you have to hide it but i do think it's odd to start telling people about your underwear yes it is isn't it it is yeah if he's worried that they all think that concealment equals guilt then at this mysterious point of them finding out he just has to act totally blasé like yeah yeah it's not a big deal i don't even know why you're mentioning it. Yeah, why make such a big fuss about it? It's obviously your problem. Yeah, these are my pants. Yeah.

And that kind of cuts the curiosity dead. Actually, I'm not sure it does. I can think of another scenario where they may see, and that's when you're wearing a baggy pair of jeans, and instead of seeing boxer shorts poking over the top, they see a thong. I think that is legitimate office banter territory, actually. That's why I think you have to brazen it out out but i don't think that means you have to volunteer the

information so that they find out if that happens they're not going to feel like oh why have you concealed this from us that won't be their thought process they'll just think oh my god john's wearing a thong i think they're not going to think why didn't he tell us they'll know why you didn't tell them because they think it's embarrassing in order for it not to be a big deal, just make it seem humdrum, commonplace. And perhaps the best way to do this is to wear quite ugly old lady knickers rather than sexy young lady knickers. And they probably are more comfortable, aren't they? Probably are.

Keep your navel warm in winter. I've got a question. Email your question. To answer me this podcast at googlemail.com To answer me this podcast at googlemail.com To answer me this podcast at googlemail.com So retrospectives, what historical events are we ticking off on this week's run of Today in History? On Monday, we bring you the real story of the mutiny on the bounty. On Tuesday, the anniversary of the day somebody invented the meatball, but who?

On Wednesday, the iconic British car that ripped off an iconic American car. On Thursday, how American airlines invented air miles. And on Friday, the UFO sighting that gripped colonial America. We discuss this and more on Today in History with The Retrospectors.

Ten minutes each weekday wherever you get your podcasts. The Winter Olympics are over now, but the legacy lives on in the form of questions such as this one from Becca, who says,

after watching various Olympic skating routines, I have to wonder, Ollie, answer me this, is there any Andrew Lloyd Webber song that can't be skated to? I assume she's asking this question because a couple won gold skating to Jesus Christ Superstar. Did they?

Which was deemed to be an unusual choice. You can pretty much make ice dancing fit any mood of music. Well, people say that. I actually disagree. There was a meme online that I saw of people uploading hip hop tracks over the top of Sochi Dancing. choice you can pretty much make ice dancing fit any mood of music people say that i actually disagree there was a meme online that i saw of people uploading hip-hop tracks over the top of sochi dancing and i didn't think it did work actually you could see that the timing wasn't quite right the jumps have to coincide with the big swells yeah but that's because they're doing it in post but i'm saying you could plan a skating rink into virtually anything that's true well i

think there are two reasons why andrew ll Andrew Lloyd Webber's music is particularly popular. Well, three, actually. Right. Okay. Sit down, everybody. This will take some time. Well, no, the one I just added at the end there, almost as a postscript,

was simply just that he's well known all over the world because he's had lots of successful hits and he's pretty much the most well-known internationally modern classical composer. So, I mean, that's the obvious reason, apart from John Williams or something.

I think a lot of people are going to take issue with your use of the word classical there well i'm happy to disagree i think it is in the classical style i think it's modern classical style is different well classical music you are opening a can of classical worms okay fine helen well i'm prepared to sit on that can of worms and have people come and wiggle around and that was the third thing but the two reasons are are, I think, that Andrew Lloyd Webber is being chosen a lot. One, he marked himself out as a skating favourite by doing Starlight Express.

Now, I know that's roller skates, not ice skating. There's a certain overlap in the kind of moves you're able to do, though, skateboard. I think if any modern composer aligns themselves with skating of any kind, I think skaters are going to warm to that writer. Why isn't Avril Lavigne more popular? Good point. The other reason I would say is

that his most famous tunes are the big sweeping classical ballads. Yeah, you can get a lot of rink work done to memories. That's it. So Memory, Music of the Night, Don't Cry For Me Argentina, The Perfect Year, they're all slow-paced, epic, grand strings. That is basically what people

look for in skating. When they go for classical composers, they go for Tchaikovsky and stuff, don't they? They want that kind of sound. Yeah, for coffee F. Although I would say that it's quite a risky business choosing songs from musicals, especially where you're using the lyrics, because I think often the lyrics tell a story

that the dance isn't telling. So I saw a pair dance to a little Candor and Ebbs medley. They did Roxy from Chicago and Mein Lieberherr from Cabaret and yet they were doing quite a jaunty number that wasn't really to do with being a woman prisoner or a sort of prostitute. I think it's true to say that the songs from musicals have more of an association with their original narrative than pop songs in general where people are used to reinterpretation or not listening to the lyrics very carefully but on the other hand i don't see why the same rule can't apply a song's a song you know if you can reinterpret it so it isn't about that what you're pointing out is that they

weren't successful at reinterpreting it if you like well i think if they'd taken the lyrics off and just had the instrumental it would have been fine maybe although there was a girl 15 year old girl who skated to the theme from schindler's list a lot of people say that was inappropriate now that doesn't have any words to it. Did anyone do the Requiem for a Dream theme? But actually, you know, I would fight her corner on that one. And because although I think you could say it is crass to do that, she was wearing a red jacket as well. So people were saying this was a visual reference to the girl in Schindler's List. Did that then segue into a don't look now tribute? But actually, I think if you take the argument that skating is an art

form and i think it probably is even though it's not one that i particularly enjoy then i don't see why you can't reinterpret serious subjects in every art form like musicals in the first place if you said that musicals could only deal with trivial subjects then you'd never have lay myths would you i think it is open for reinterpretation i think maybe the red garment is too little it took it too far yeah yes anyway in. But anyway, to answer the question, I can think of a few Andrew Lloyd Webber songs that wouldn't work for skating. Okay.

And they're mostly from Joseph. And the reason for that is, the thing is it was written for a primary school, right? Yeah. And it sounds like that. All of those songs. Go, go, go, Joseph. You know, and I close my eyes.

They're childhood sing-alongs. Draw back the foreskin. Was there a whole childhood verse for that in your school? How did it go after that? She stuck her tongue in, whoa. Then it escaped me. What happened next? It's got to come to a climax, for God's sake.

Then the bell rang and we had to go into class. I suppose it was any whole will do or something like that. Probably. I'm not sure we were that clever. As we're saying, these work in various reinterpreted forms, but I don't think they work for skating so I would say there's your answer. Is that because they're too juvenile, too banal? Yes.

Not epic. Not epic exactly and equally there are other parts of Lloyd Webber's canon which are not epic which also don't work very well like Jeeves, the musical he wrote with Alan Akebourne based on the work of P.G. Woodhouse. Now obviously that in and of itself it's not a flaw of the music.

It's deliberately trying to be twee and English sounding. Probably not many Russian ice skaters that would want to dance to that. I can't imagine it being sporty. There's a lot of ukulele in it. You know, it's just not appropriate. That's a bit twee, isn't it? You don't want the twee indie skating

to start with ukulele music. Except I kind of do, but then I'm not a skating fan. Hey, this is Greg from Jaro. Helen and Ollie, answer me this. Has anybody ever competed in both the Summer and Winter Olympics? Yes, quite a lot of people have, but not many have won medals.

I was going to say, there's competing, and then there's competing successfully, isn't there? Yeah, apparently only four have won medals at both Winter and Summer. Wow. But the general overlap seems to be with sprinters doing bobsleigh because uh bobsleigh involves sprinting and then jumping into a bobsleigh yes and actually i mean

obviously you need you need a lot more skill on the ice than i've displayed in my life but a lot of skill at sprinting yeah but at the same time yeah you don't need to be an expert skier or anything do you it's basically running and then jumping which is what you do anyway whereas i'd imagine a lot of the disciplines you do have to devote all year round to learning them yeah and from the age of four basically been planning to do it yeah some of those winter olympic sports are absolutely insane the skeleton the skeleton now that's the one where you're just face down on a mat that doesn't even have brakes oh you thought the luge looked a bit safe did you well let's spice this up a bit you know what's going to be in the

next olympics fire skeleton yeah exactly ultimate skeleton will be ice melt before they get down Luge looked a bit safe, did you? Well, let's spice this up a bit. You know what's going to be in the next Olympics? Fire skeleton. Yeah, exactly. Ultimate skeleton would have a big spike on the end. Will the ice melt before they get down and drown? Yeah. But that is kind of, you are sort of watching to check that they finish as well, not just that they do it,

but at the end, can they slow down in time? But that's what the whole Winter Olympics is like. I was watching the biathlon, which was quite boring because it was men skiing around the same course repeatedly but then taking a massive gun off their backs and firing it oh yeah skiing and shooting one yeah if they fall over and that gun goes off it's a disaster i think they should shoot while they're skiing and from the hip i think they should play snooker while skiing i think that would be

genuinely very challenging i don't think it's that odd to think that athletes who have excelled in one discipline could excel in another discipline no well fitness dedication these things are transferable skills if you're doing something like um a summer sport then you're going to have a lot of winter months to waste learning how to do snow sports but i do think it's more odd as did many people when people like vanessa may pop up as olympians what yeah people competing for countries that they weren't born in i find that very interesting because that's like saying Britain shouldn't have won Eurovision with Katrina and the waves. When it was here, 2012,

and the discussion came around to Mo Farah, everyone was like, of course he's British, he's chosen to live here, he loves it here, he's trained here. Everyone loves a winner. Right, yeah, exactly. And I took that side. I took that populist side, I genuinely believed it. I thought, of course Mo Farah should represent Britain,

nothing wrong with that. But then when I'm watching the Olympics impartics impartially and i'm not backing anyone watching the winter olympics and you see someone from the jamaican bobsleigh team doing canada and the reason is they offered him citizenship because jamaica didn't have the funding for bobsleigh as documented in cool runnings and also the kickstarter campaign from earlier this year i really was that one yep um it was cool runnings 2.0 when you see that and the voiceover the as documented in Cool Runnings. And also the Kickstarter campaign from earlier this year. Oh, really? Was there one? Yep. It was Cool Runnings 2.0. When you see that, and the voiceover, the commentator, actually says,

of course he's been living in Canada for the last six years, having failed to get funding in his home country. I thought, well, he's not proud to be Canadian, is he? He's gone to Canada because they funded his sport. Actually, I'd be a bit pissed off if I was a Canadian bobslayer. Well, there must be quite a lot as well, because Canada has a lot of colds. They that and actually we'd like see it was really interesting seeing an outside example when it was mo farah i used to get very defensive when i was just looking at it like not having thought about it in advance i was like actually that probably is wrong isn't

it has mo farah got a british passport is it on something as simple as that yes it's on citizenship yeah right yeah he's you've got to have lived here for a certain number of years but they say it's not relevant where you're born. And because he's been here since a child, people get very emotional about it. Or we brought him up. Well, okay, that is different. If you've been here since you were a child and you consider that this country is your home country. Yeah, but if you get to the point where you're obviously going to be an international sports person when you're 14

and then decide which country to go and live in because they'll let you enter the Olympics. Okay. which country to go and live in because they'll let you enter the Olympics. Okay, my dad, who spent his first nearly 30 years in South Africa, but has spent the subsequent over 40 years in Britain, if he were now to compete in the septuagenarian Olympiads... That would be a great show. In chainsawing.

Just the opening ceremony would be... In fact, the opening ceremony would be exactly the same when it was still before McCartney. Unfortunately, he's got a bad knee at the moment because he was jumping up and down on some sticks and hurt himself. So he's off games. Get well soon, Zach.

But if he was looking like a good prospect, should he be performing for England? He has a British passport. Britain. Or for South Africa? That's a very good question. I think it does come down to the period of time. I think we were all agreed on that.

So I think actually because he's lived here for long enough, he's decided to raise children here and he didn't come here to enter the septuagenarian well he might have he's a very forward planner he's playing the long game i think britain but then equally equally i do think he should be allowed to say no i'm a proud south african i want to represent south africa if he wanted to it's not really in his character no but that's not the point that he could so do you think there should be an age limit anyone who wasn't in britain when they learned how to walk shouldn't be allowed to compete in sports for Britain. Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to today's intermission brought to you by Answer Me This, Sports Day. I think I found a reason as well that might account for why the Jews are traditionally not known as being good at sports. If Greek-speaking Jews took part in the events at the time and they had to be naked, their lack of foreskins were a cause for ridicule. So often they wouldn't compete just because they didn't want to be jeered at for not having foreskins. Sorry, what hack-brained theory does that bring that through

to the 21st century and why Israel doesn't do very well in the Olympics? Because they haven't had 2,500 years to practice. Surely that's more aerodynamic, not having a foreskin. Yes, exactly. I suppose it depends on the sport, doesn't do very well in the Olympics. Well, because they haven't had, like, two and a half thousand years to practice. Surely that's more aerodynamic, not having a foreskin. Yes, exactly. I suppose it depends on the sport, doesn't it? Well, maybe that's why the Greeks didn't want to compete against the Jews.

They've got an unfair advantage. And sometimes the Jews, to avoid getting teased, they would wear a fake foreskin made out of lamb's guts. Wow. I don't even know where you'd buy lamb's guts. Butcher? Yeah, they use them a lot for sausage-making, haggis skin. You could just buy a haggis and then empty it out

and then trim it to full skin size. Oh, brilliant. Something to eat and a circumcision guard. Why are you putting your penis into a haggis? There's a sentence you never want to hear your girlfriend say, are there? Well, there's a perfectly reasonable explanation this time, dear. It's so I won't be laughed at, obviously. To hear the rest of Answer Me This Sports Day or any of our other albums,

visit answermethisstore.com. Listeners, harness the power of your voice to ask us a question via our phone line by dialling the following number. 0-2-0-8-1-2-3-5-8-double-7 Or by Skyping answer me this. Let's hear who's been in touch. Hi, this is Danny from Stoke.

Helen and Ollie and Martin answered me this. I'm driving my car now and all around the tops of the door windows are handles. Now, I can see why they're useful for hanging coats, where they've got the coat hook fit, but I can't see any practical use for holding on. It just makes the blood run from your hands

and hurts your arm. Why the fuck are they there? Just because there's a handle there doesn't mean you have to grab it the whole time you're in the car. I don't think the point is that you have your hand on them the whole time. I think the point actually is you will understand Danny when you get to the car um i don't think the point is that you have your hand on them the whole time i think the point actually is uh you will understand danny when you get to the age of say 70 why they need to haul yourself out of that car they are known as assist handles and they are they are for the infirm so yes well not even the infirm a lot of us might need a gradient of the

infirm the elderly maybe danny's gonna ring in next week why is it the side the bath got a handle on it i'm not driving the bath and then yeah they do all have little coat hooks on because that's an extra function isn't it why not surely it's a bit dangerous to block out your window as well with a hanging jacket yes it is uh people do it all the time including me but yes it does reduce your visibility blind spot i don't think they should be called handles really because the handles are called handles aren't they as in the door handles to open the doors those aren't handles they don't think they should be called handles, really, because the handles are called handles, aren't they? As in the door handles to open the doors. Those aren't handles. They don't open anything.

They're fixed. But the wheels that the car drives on with the tyres are not like the steering wheel, yet they're both called wheels, Ollie. That's true. You're going to have to handle that. Yeah. Well, here's another question of cars.

It's from Adam, age 28, from London, who says, Me and my girlfriend are going to... My girlfriend and I I'm just reading it as it is Helen yeah I'm not passing well I'm sick in my mouth when you get pronouns wrong listeners me and my girlfriend are going to Los Angeles in November for a holiday lovely and I'm thinking of renting a car to drive around the city well you will have to Los Angeles being a driving city I think that's right stealing a car being wrong

buying a car being excessive for a holiday and driving up to las vegas as much as i am excited about this trip i'm also very nervous i've only ever driven on uk roads so helen answered me this is there any way i can prepare or practice for driving on the wrong side of the road without breaking the law what about playing one of the driving games like grand theft auto they're set on the right hand drive usually i i think it's fair to say that grand theft auto doesn't exactly incentivize responsible driving that's the way you play it ollie you could just uh stick to the speed limit stop at the lights yeah all of that and drop the drugs package with the police yeah yeah you maybe you maybe you could. Maybe go to see some museums, perhaps.

I think actually, though, and I'm not a driver, but if you're driving in a car where your driving seat is on the left-hand side, it will seem relatively natural to be in the right-hand lane. I think there are other things about driving in America that will confuse you, like the fact that you're allowed to make turns during red lights, but only sometimes,

and the fact that other drivers drive right up your arse. They don't observe the seven car lengths thing there. You could perhaps book a racetrack, if you're very serious about this. Yeah, that's a good idea. Or a large private estate. That'd probably be kind of fun anyway. Wouldn't they just have a trip to France for a weekend?

That's actually quite a sensible suggestion, yeah. And a little mini break, because November is a long time to wait for a holiday. And stock up on wine whilst you're there. Or could you go to an empty car park in the middle of the night and practice making turns, but the opposite way to how you usually would? No.

What I would say, and this isn't very helpful, Adam, if you have actually booked your holiday already and your itinerary is LA, then Vegas. Are you going to tell him to go up the Pacific Coast Highway, because as a starter road trip, that's much better than driving to Vegas, because that's a pretty boring road? No, although that's true,

but I wasn't really approaching this from a tourist point of view well you're going to say go to vegas via joshua tree because that's much more interesting than the motorway well that is interesting too no i wasn't i was going to work with his itinerary and i was going to say if your intention is la then vegas from a driving point of view you'd be much better off to fly into vegas learn to drive out there where it's really hard to screw up because there's basically two roads you're going to visit and then drive to LA once you've had a few days experience

because actually flying into one of the busiest city airports in the world, hiring a car when you've been awake for 18 hours. Suddenly going on

an eight lane motorway. Yeah, and having been necking Bailey's at 500 feet. Not every plane goes at 500 feet, Oli, because that's usually a bad sign.

Well, whatever. And Bailey's is not an essential on an aircraft. Bailey's for me is an essential on an aircraft. Don't drink and drive, kids. But I've done that before flying into Boston and it was dangerous. Like I was only half awake and I'd just been standing in the queue for two hours to rent a car and I was tired and it was raining and dark. The problem with this plan, Ollie, is that, Adam, you might not know this, but if you rent a car in one state and drop it off in another, you often have to pay £300 or thereabouts,

and that is not a fee that is necessarily included when you book. True, but again, if you're going to pay that, starting in Vegas is an easier place to learn to drive, I would wager. I actually found Vegas a bit of a faff to drive in. LA's not that bad. I mean, the jet lag is the thing. If you're mainly worried about the jet lag, then just don't hire a car when you arrive. Get a taxi or a bus into wherever you're staying and pick up the car the next day when you're a worried about the jet lag then just don't hire a car when you arrive get a taxi or a

bus into wherever you're staying and pick up the car the next day when you're a bit more alert yes maybe that's that's sensible also also we're focusing on the negative here you're going on a road trip in america that's amazing um the best of holidays it's great but uh certainly do follow my advice about the pacific coast highway rather than going to vegas that is yeah that is a great trip but if you are in vegas go to the buffet at the wicked spoon in the cosmopolitan go to the atomic testing museum i'm not sure that is on most people's list when they first go to vegas the silicon roundabouts my favorite place to become a webpreneur would be really ace like that awesome guy tom who was my first friend on Myspace.

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and create an awesome website for your business or your project or your school thing Or just your weird internal monologue Yeah yeah yeah Brought out for the

internet to enjoy Just a collection of your selfies because people are that self-absorbed these days, aren't they? Go to squarespace.com, you get a free trial, and then you can develop a website that will work across numerous platforms, like, you know, iPad and mobile and stuff. And then if you like it and you want to pay for it,

then you just use the code ANSWER2 and you'll get 10% off. Sounds all right to me. Here's a question from Ross in Blenheim, New Zealand. You know, usually when people clarify a country I'm like, they need to know that,

know where Sydney is. But actually, Blenheim I would have assumed Oxfordshire. I've assumed Ross lived in a palace. Yeah. With a lovely model village and an amazing dinky railway and a butterfly house.

I didn't know there was a Blenheim in New Zealand. No, I didn't, but I've never been to New Zealand so forgive me. Neither has Christopheropher lee you've got that in common except film lord of the rings yeah in your face oh that's true he did didn't he yeah oh that's why he was able to specify with the hobbit no fuck you you come to me you're stuck with me now i'm the wizard jackson do you want it or not um right, yes. Ross says, Helen, answer me this.

Why is the place where highly qualified doctors perform complex surgical procedures called a theatre when the theatre is often the place where people with no qualifications end up? Meow! Quite funny. Well, Ross, it's because operations used to take place in a room that was very much like a theatre

in that the person having the surgery was on a table in the middle and then around them layers of seats like an amphitheatre so that students could watch, people with a taste for the gory could have a look in. This is before, of course, they realised that an aseptic environment was better for not killing the patient. Yeah, and before there was one-born-every-minute-style fixed rig so that the whole nation could peer at home and say, oh, look, an esophagus. Do you think it could occur, though,

that the popularity of one-born-every-minute begets a live show where a woman is giving birth surrounded by 200 paying punters? It's unlikely, but I wouldn't call that unthinkable, would you? It could be an art piece. What's one-born-every-minute? It's one of these Channel 4 factual programmes where they set up cameras in a hospital So that you can see

So it's live births Why do people want to watch that? That sounds gross Have you not seen it? Why would I see that? I thought all women watch it No Why would I watch The Horror of War?

I agree I'm with you But every other woman I know watches it I had to watch such a video in school biology class And I'm sure that the technology has not changed I know Never wanted to eat a trifle again I know I'm with you.

Anyway, a theatre is just a term for a place where you watch things. It's from a Greek word that meant place for viewing, but it made me wonder why is the phrase theatre of war extant? What's that for? Because you wouldn't sit around on Rostrum seating

watching people do wars, would you? Well, except in history plays you sort of did didn't you so i wonder if people were making the observation that uh life mirrors art mirrors life and when you went to war you said oh the theater of war because it's a bit like richard the second and in places like the coliseum they reenacted battles yeah yeah and then real people died so it's like a snuff theater do you like watching gory war battle scenes on films and things? No. It's not really my thing. Blackadder's about as far as I'd go. But

a lot of films, a lot of big epic type films, like this Noah one that Russell Crowe's in that's coming out. Is that Darren Aronofsky? Yeah. So odd. Isn't it? It's either going to be appalling or amazing. It's got Russell Crowe in it, which means that whichever it is, I'm not going to go and watch it.

Oh, really? Just anti-Crowe? Yeah. Is he playing a crow? The animals went, didn't do it by doing it. If that literal translation went for everyone, so Mike Back could play the bat.

That would be good. You'd have to find a lot of actors who would change their name to Giraffe. I can't think of anyone who's famous with the surname Lion either Lionardo DiCaprio Yes Food for thought So is Russell Crowe playing Noah?

Or is he supplying the woods that makes the ark? What what I'm referring to his acting style of course I think when you have a discussion with Russell Crowe's agent And you say we've got a great script for you Russell's going to be great in it I think when you have a discussion with Russell Crowe's agent and you say, we've got a great script for you, it's a great script it's great, Russell's going to be great in it. I think the question is, is Russell playing

Jesus or God? I think it was quite a stretch to get him to agree to play Noah, don't you? Yeah. My name's Steve from Kent. Helen and Ollie, answer me this, if Cinderella slipper fitted so perfectly, why did it fall off?

Has Steve never walked in a high-heeled shoe and got it caught between two paving slabs so it's pulled off your foot? Is that what happens? Because then the question really is, if Prince Charming was so charming, how comes he threw a ball in a room with an unequal floor? Because it was the outside patio and she'd gone there to cool off and maybe set off some of those Chinese fire lanterns. Maybe. I'm just speculating.

I don't go to fancy parties. I think that it's plausible that a shoe that does fit her perfectly could fall off because a dancing shoe might not be designed to be attached to the foot that well in sprinting. Like, look at a lady's fancy shoe now.

If it's like a court shoe without any buckles or straps, then you can lose it very easily. Well, especially whilst dancing, actually. I mean, think about it the other way. What if it isn't a dance shoe? What ifles or straps then you can lose it very easily well especially whilst dancing actually i mean think about it the other way what if it isn't a dance shoe what if it is a sort of walking shoe oh yes a parading yourself around shoe right and then she gets swept off her feet by charming goes for a hell of a boogie and actually does a few high flicking dance moves and loses it that way no but that's not how she loses it she loses it running off at the end she knows

she's about to turn back into a pauper oh and the man could never love a pauper here is another question of entertainment from sam from london who says ollie answer me this is seals kissed from a rose about drugs i never really gave it much thought until i noticed the lyric did you know when it snows my eyes become large is this a reference to pupils dilating when people snort drugs i've never thought about it until literally now but um that sounds plausible on the other hand sort of every popular song from the last 50 years could be about drugs it's either about drugs or it's mythologizing a dj or it's about something sexual sometimes all three of these things i mean i suppose as much as i've ever thought about it before it it opens, there used to be a greying tower,

alone on the sea. I suppose I always thought it was about Portland Bill. It's a very odd lyric, actually, isn't it? I'm looking at the lyric. It's sort of, having talked about Cinderella, kind of fairytale-esque, isn't it? Love remained a drug that's the high and not the pill. Right, so don't take pills, take coke.

Seal knows how dangerous prescription drugs are and how many deaths they can lead to. You remain my power, my pleasure, my pain. Baby, to me you're like a growing addiction that I can't deny. It's quite odd, isn't it? I've never thought about this song because it was re-released so many times

and it's on so many Valentine's Love compilations. Yes, that now thinking that it's all about getting off your tits on something changes it, doesn't it? Because you want it to be just about getting off your tits on love. So is this song about drugs or what? Well, I haven't got a statement from Seal, but the forums that have been considering this song

for nearly 20 long years seem to feel that there is no interpretation, bar the obvious interpretation, except for the people who are going, oh, you think every song's about drugs. You think even Heroin by Velvet Underground's about drugs. I do think it's about drugs. I think it's just still not being a particularly good lyricist

and using addiction metaphors. That's true. The element of metaphor is something that is often overlooked in even the most precise forums based on interpreting lyrics. Like, actually, yes, it's a reference to drugs, but that doesn't mean that he's not talking about love. Love giving him the same effect as drugs. It doesn't sound like

it's very consistent either like singing about lighthouses and singing about roses doesn't really make much sense or hang together. Yeah but you see that's what people say people say oh but the whole thing

is a big drug trip so that's why it's inconsistent. Lighthouses and roses this makes it sound like he's wandering around a Victorian folly garden. Yeah that's how it originally ended

in an English country garden. Isn't it based on the work of Virginia Woolf? Actually, it's a tribute to Crosby, Stills and Nash. And Seal wrote it while he was living in a squat in Kensal Green. Wow, that is... I don't know why that should be impressive. Lots of artists live in squats,

but it is impressive when you go from that to soundtracking Batman Forever, isn't it? Rags to riches. Cinderella again. Did he lose his shoe? Remembering Seal videos at the time, I think he lost his shirt. There's a fashion for that in the 90s wasn't there male solo singers even michael jackson did it and you were not alone and no one wanted to see that torso billowing shirt billowing shirt yeah nips out yeah which doesn't really happen now even with

boy bands often billowing trousers too yeah that was a 90s thing having trousers that were loose enough to billow they'll come back will they the billowy trousers because they've been like Bieber dropcotch trousers yes it's only a couple of steps from the billowing trousers well that's good for me because I've lost some weight recently I've got a lot of trousers that previously fit me and are now billowing yeah but they're just not the same as those sort of brightly coloured

silk billowing trousers with a massive waistband work on it you could probably have them adjusted I might well do that or some of your old underpants they'd probably billow because they're thin of fabric. And some of this. Hampton Court was Henry VIII's home. The O2 Arena was the Millennium Dome.

Wasn't it? I went to see you in your room, but it had been turned into a Wetherspoon, so I ordered a two-for-one curry and a macaroon But they don't sell macaroons Do they? I just ate both curries And now I regret that

Here's a question from Joe, who says, Helen, answer me this. Why are the first episodes of series called pilots? It seems pretty random to me. Doesn't seem at all random to me. Okay, to me, I've never thought about it before. Oh, no. Is it because...

I don't want to know what's coming. What? Okay, okay. Do one of your harebrained etymologies, because I think we should set up a Tumblr just for those. Wait, wait. First of all... No, don't you say, because you'll get it right, won't you?

No, no. Mark, stand down. It's not the first episode of the series. It's in preparation for a series. It's a tester. It's a tester. Fine. Which is also sometimes the first episode of a series.

All right, Martin. Can then become the first episode of a series. Settle. Fine. I think... I mean, I don't know this. I'm just guessing. I'm just guessing.

Why don't you just let me guess? Okay. Okay. I think it might be because a pilot don't know this I'm just guessing I'm just guessing Why won't you just let me guess Okay Okay I think it might be Because like a pilot Is at the front of the plane It's going up front It's the first

Ahead of everything else behind it I.e. the passengers The rest of the series Is a pilot a little boat? Well a pilot is lots of things You get a pilot light as well Don't you? It is just the

The first exploratory Leader Of a thing So actually I'm kind of right Well the pilot is the leader of the plane I don't you it's just the the first exploratory leader of a thing so actually i'm kind of right well the pilot is the leader of the plane i don't know if it really matters that they are physically in the front of a jumbo jet because they're also a pilot if they're on those weird planes where they're much further back and that's true they could be in the undercarriage of a plane like in the second world war firing guns do you have any favorite pilots that uh either you've you've seen and thought thank god that became one of my favorite series or do you have any pilots that actually you've seen and thought it's such a shame

that didn't become a series my most common response ollie actually to pilots is to think thank goodness they commissioned the series and the series was not that represented by the pilot because the pilot is not as good as the series like say twin peaks new girl yeah but that's because the characters develop and things happen as it goes on but then by necessity the first episode even if it had been commissioned at the same time as the rest of it you've got to establish things yeah but some pilots are really good like the pilot to veronica mars or the first episode of breaking bads well lost is a really good example i think because actually pilot that is never as good afterwards is it yeah i thought

you're gonna say that's a pilot who you want one flying your plane but yeah that it's almost like the whole of lost like the whole eight years of it or whatever was really about the first five minutes of the first episode yeah and actually everything else is just the idea that follows they wrote a check their imaginations couldn't cash yeah that's right um but that's a great pilot so they do exist sometimes. Yeah. I am interested in TV history when you read about pilots that happened and then... They recast them or something. And then the show didn't...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like in Homeland, the sexy wife. Yes. The one from V. Yes. She was a different woman in the first pilot of Homeland. And did that woman have a no nudity clause in her contract so they had to get rid of her?

Well, I think she was probably more like Damien Lewis's age and looked a bit more like Damien Lewis. Unacceptable. Like somebody who did conceivably have two teenage children. And also those boobs. Yeah, exactly. So obviously that had to go. Or maybe it was somebody who objected

to the way that character had been so massively underwritten. And then there's a whole pilot episode of Sherlock which has never been screened. You know that. They made a whole feature length 90 minute written by Stephen Moff screened. You know that. They made a whole feature-length 90-minute, written by Stephen Moffat and Mark Gatiss, whole thing, same cast, episode of Sherlock. But the BBC looked at it and they were like,

this has the potential to be amazing and this is just okay, so go away and remake it like this. And they had a second go at it. Can you imagine how much money they wasted? I mean, worth it, as it turns out, but a bit of a risk, isn't it? I thought it was quite odd that the first series of 24, they had eight episodes commissioned, even though the format requires you to go ahead

and commission a full 24-episode run. A lot of money, though, isn't it? It is, but then you're like, well, we're commissioning a show that is over 24 hours of the day. It's called 24. It's not called eight. It's not called working day.

What was what was that one that had a really high concept with joseph fines and it was about uh flash forward flash forward what happened in that exactly i only saw the pilot that and i thought well that's moderately diverting it never went back so yeah so everyone did that everyone watched the pilot because it was so high concept the idea was everyone in the world apart from a few key characters and obviously that's the twist as it goes along everyone in the world blanks out right wakes up and they realize that what they dreamt was what their life was going to be in a certain period of time i can't remember in a month's time or a year's time yeah something like that so they found out what's going to happen to them and for some people they found out that their husband or wife is dead or is gay or they've got a secret love child or they're still joseph fines well some people uh they found out they

get to open a big company or whatever and then the interesting dramatic point of it is that obviously people can't cope with that information some people then kill themselves and as a result of doing that do they change the history that's going to happen and so on and it was a good idea right probably a bit over complicated in a way and you could just give yourself concussion in hope that you'd get mild amnesia and just forget about that rather than kill yourself i think i'm right in saying that effectively they did the equivalent of cancelling 24 after eight episodes on that one so it's set up this ridiculously high concept that could only actually be resolved after about five years worth of the show and they never

got to the day itself no exactly although i don't know how it finished because everyone stopped watching after about five episodes although once you did get to that day what would subsequent series do yeah yeah yeah exactly well that's the issue with homeland isn't it homeland really is a one series idea they stretched it at two and by three you're just like come on now this is this is at best a four-hour idea stinky yeah listeners, that brings us to the end of Answer Me This episode 284. But for us to have things to talk about in Answer Me This 285, we need your questions. Or to read a book occasionally. But it's probably easier if you send us questions and you can do that by email, phone or Skype.

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