Answer Me This! - AMT286: Oktoberfest, Castles and the First Ever Naughty Film

Episode Date: March 27, 2014

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Will the next big trend be even worse than the selfie? Has to be this, has to be this Is relentless self-portraiture profoundly unhealthy? Has to be this, has to be this Helen and Ollie, has to be this Since we're coming up to Easter, Helen inadvertently provided you with a special little Easter egg of her own last week by accidentally uploading an hour-long episode, united of the show i was really tired i've been working really hard and obviously i'm allergic to that state uh which it was only up for an hour but apparently around

2000 of you did get hold of this uh this precious unedited version of answer me this now don't go acting like this is an incredible bit of bonus answer me this because all that's going to happen is the bits that we couldn't fit into last episode because it was already too long yeah you're gonna get them again that's basically it you're just wasting your own time this week so if if you uh notice that parts of this week's show sound strangely familiar uh that's because uh some of you will have heard them by mistake last week i'm sorry i'm surprised it hasn't happened before to be honest 285 episodes i think you do yeah one one in 285 times you're allowed to do that and i promise it won't happen again because i'm never going to work hard again but but for those of you who do like hearing even more of us than we supply you on a fortnightly basis legitimate way to do that

very excitingly is uh we've got a show on radio 4 all about podcasting that's right it is the 10th anniversary of the word podcast being coined yes and to celebrate uh helen and i have presented a two-part documentary on radio 4 uh called podcasting the first 10 years it's on 11 a.m on radio 4 on friday the 4th and friday the 11th of april and on bbc iplayer shortly thereafter yes and within that, we speak to basically all the podcasters you'd want to hear from.

So Mark Maron's in there. Yeah, except for Ira Glass who didn't want to be on it. Yeah, and Ricky Gervais. But all the other ones. All the other ones. Mark Maron's in there. I was very intimidated

by the prospect of speaking to Mark Maron because, you know, he's done 400-odd interviews and is really good at them. He's very nice to me. I'm sure he was saying the same thing to Joan Rivers

and Patrick Stewart that week. He was like, oh, I've got to talk to Helen Zaltzman. My God, pod queen. I'm going to really have to sharpen up my bants. I spoke to the Night Vale guys, Roman Mars. Theresa Thorne. And also Richard Herring, British pod star. Yes.

And indeed, if you like hearing us talk to Richard Herring, there's not just our Radio 4 show podcasting the first 10 years, which on yeah but also we are on richard herring's leicester square theatre podcast and if you're thinking you guys i thought there was bad blood between you and richard herring from things that happened years ago don't worry we talk about it all in the show everything all the dirty laundry is weirdly like family therapy yeah chris in muntsfield helen ollie and martin and Martin and Sam answered me this. What's the best way to get rid of garlic breath? Tried everything and I still stink.

Well, I'm afraid the most obvious answer is, as always, the simplest and the one you don't want to hear, which is don't eat garlic. Sorry, Helen, but all the evidence would suggest if you smell of garlic, don't eat it. I've got a better solution. Go on. Don't someone who already smells of garlic. Yeah, not bad. He's got a better solution. Go on. Date someone who already smells of garlic.

Yeah, not bad. He's not talking about dating. He might be worried about stinking out someone who's sitting next to him at the cinema. Who cares about those guys? I've heard various folk remedies. They all seem to revolve around things like parsley. Parsley is a good one. A lot of herbs apparently help neutralise the odour.

Fresh mint? Would that work? Yeah, mint, basil, coriander or cilantro for our american brethren uh thyme is there any truth in mustard i saw online and i just thought someone's written this article as a joke yeah swill around your mouth a lump of mustard and then you'll puke your guts out there won't be any garlic in there anymore i don't know what presumably you just smell of mustard instead that's not better on the mouthful of jira yeah well no apparently if you do to fennel or cardamom or cloves or anise seeds as well,

but those are quite controversial tastes in themselves. So you can drink milk because that apparently neutralises a lot of the garlic stench. Yeah, but there's very little that I'll eat with garlic in it and think, you know what will go well with this? Glass of milk. Wash it down with milk? Or green tea or peppermint tea. Apparently those are the best because the mint, you know, is a a breath freshener anyway but they also have a thing that bonds to the garlic stink and reduces the volatile sulfur compounds and if you're preparing the garlic

take out the green bit in the middle because apparently that is the most sulfurous bit in all seriousness can't you just eat less garlic or eat it less concentrated well apparently the problem is only partially the garlic going into your stomach the stench is stuck in your lungs yeah and i don't know how you'd get rid of that. Well, here's another question of Stinks from Ben in Northumberland, who says, The perfume that my grandma wears

actually makes me feel sick, particularly during car journeys. Particularly during intercourse. Oh, Martin. You make everyone feel sick. I try to sit as far away from her as possible when we're having meals out. But that goes down

well, doesn't it? I've talked to my immediate family about this and they all agree that it's not a pleasant scent, but they're not as affected by it as me. So, Ollie answers me this. What should I do? Have you read George's Marvellous Medicine? I can't think of a solution to this

problem that doesn't involve either an awkward conversation, an awkward Christmas present or more awkward winding down of car windows in the middle of winter. Help! P.S. She's an amazing grandma, by the way. Right, so you don't want to hurt her feelings. No, indeed. This is a difficult one because if someone has bad breath, you can pass around the mints. Yep.

And you can make it look like that's just for you, not for the person who actually you're targeting with the mints yeah and you can make it look like that's just for you not for the person who actually you're targeting with the mint but when it comes to perfume you can't really spray around neutralizer or like glade air freshener in the car i wish i could because i absolutely hate most perfumes and when someone's on a train so not even someone i know blasting the whole train with something that is very what are you supposed to do apart from just cough until you fall on the on the floor rolling around in front of them turning red to make a point no well i was thinking of you actually when i read this because uh you know i've worked with you for enough years now that i know of this uh dislike you have for a strong scent i am ben in northumberland and grandma is everybody yes you're always commenting that people are wearing like very strong perfume very strong after and i don't even. So I think some people are attuned to it,

and it's not about the specific smell, and I think that's the answer. It's more the overpoweringness. And do you think that grandma's sense of smell maybe has faded with the passage of years, and that's the problem? Yes. Therefore, my suggestion, Ben, would be sabotage.

Fill her bottle with piss. I think this isn't about the perfume itself, but the concentration and amount that she's putting on. So therefore, dilute. Go in the bedroom. Classy option, Ollie. Pipette of water. Yep.

One drop of water to every drop of perfume. See how that goes to begin with. Or if she's using the intense perfume, you could maybe sneakily replace it with a bottle of Eau de Toilette of the same, where the fragrance is less intense. Oh, that's very clever. Yes, because that is, I mean,

that's pretty much a marketing trick, isn't it? But it works in your favour here. Well, here's a question from a listener who famously stinks. It's Kate in Maryland. No, she doesn't. She says, Helen, answer me this. Do people live in old castles?

How common is that? Do these castles have air conditioning added? You don't need it because castles are generally freezing. Yeah, this is, it's hilarious when Americans think they live in castles because a rich person has built a mansion in the style of sleeping beauties castle yeah and actually they all end up looking like the playboy mansion however sophisticated they think they are you're saying the playboy mansion is not sophisticated

i think i am saying that but you're right of course british castles less cool for air conditioning yeah more cool for a very very very expensive heating bill yeah even if you're right, of course, British castles, less call for air conditioning, more call for a very, very, very expensive heating bill. Yeah, even if you're running the heating all the time, it is seeping out from 12th century cracks. Yeah. I remember a sommelier telling me that when people are sniffy about putting red wine in a fridge, that that's not necessarily wrong to store it in a fridge. Although it should be out of the fridge for a few hours before you drink it because room temperature you know room temperature historically in britain and france is bloody cold it's not what we have now so actually storing it at room temperature

is that you sometimes the fridge is closer to what you have inside which is a very hot room because of the heating oh so if kate wants the castle experience at home in maryland then she just climbs into the fridge yeah that's what i'm saying in a roundabout way um anyway people do live in castles don't they the queen buckingham palace isn't a castle she's got a castle yeah that's true but she's got her little granny flat in it yeah so even the queen doesn't really live in a castle not really yeah there are still a lot of stately piles that are privately owned it's so hard to make them pay because they're so expensive to run that they usually live in a tiny corner of it i'm actually astonished how cheap some of

them are i was looking into this online you can buy a castle in lancashire for 370 000 pounds is it two up two down well that is the same price as a two-bedroom semi in elstree it has i think it was 15 bedrooms a tennis court court, a swimming pool. Piddling. And hundreds of acres. But obviously, I suppose the bit that isn't included is... It will cost you 300 grand a year to run. Probably more. It probably needs 12 million pounds worth of renovation to make it liveable. Does it have wireless internet?

Well, I doubt it. And also, probably for the whole 15 bedrooms, one bathroom. They didn't have en-suites in those days. They didn't do en-suites then. They just pissed out the slot in the wall, didn't they in the wall basically on the plus side you can put an adventure playground in your garden do you think do you think the owners of hatfield house and uh and longleat go out in the middle of the night and just get lost in the maze with a vodka i reckon in heaver they're on the scrambling nets because they've done the maze they probably live in the adventure playground because they can't afford to live in the house anymore.

Do you think they sneakily get themselves an ice cream from the ice cream van as well? Well, you would, given the opportunity. I think you would. And you'd bring dates back and say, what, velvet rope, not for me. Step right over. You can touch that painting if you want. I have been to someone's private house where there were velvet ropes

and I found it absolutely hilarious. Well, it wasn't open for tourists. No, it was just a massive house. It was pretty modern and there were velvet ropes around. I think just so that as a guest you always felt low status. Yeah, that's just an ego trip, isn't it?

Yeah, an impressive one. They had their own veal herd and they had two gold eagles by the side of the front door on pillars. Wow. But it was just this red brick mansion. Did they have a butler? Yep, they had a gamekeeper, the front door on pillars. Wow. But it was just this red brick mansion. Did they have a butler? Yep, they had a gamekeeper,

the gamekeeper's wife. Everyone was just sort of predicated to make you feel like a shit, though. Whereas I think a real butler would make a tramp feel like a king. Yes, make you feel very welcome. Yeah. If you've got a question,

then email your question, yeah, to AnswerMailThisPodcast at googlemail.com. Answer Me This Podcast at googlemail.com. Answer Me This Podcast at googlemail.com. Answer Me This Podcast at googlemail.com invented the meatball, but who? On Wednesday, the iconic British car that ripped off an iconic American car. On Thursday, how American airlines invented air miles.

And on Friday, the UFO sighting that gripped colonial America. We discuss this and more on Today in History with The Retrospectors. Ten minutes each weekday, wherever you get your podcasts. Here is a question from Katie from London, who says I'm currently doing my last night of cat sitting

For my rich distant uncle Dreams can come true He's got a lot of money But he's very emotionally distant Says Katie He has two very cute Very mischievous kittens Can you imagine Ollie?

Can you imagine them all? I'm already there I'm there They're in my head They're playing around They're frolicking In your head They've burrowed into your skull

I want a kitten by the way It'll grow into a cat, you'll realise. The problem is, I think Coco is so happy at the moment. It's her territory, it's her space. I just don't think it's reasonable. Even though we'd get one from a shelter, you know, a cat that needs a home. I can't do that to her because she's an old cat and she's going to be upset, even though we really want a kitten.

How old's Coco? Coco's nine. She's got ages to go. Isn't that what your parents thought when they considered having a sibling for you? Yes, exactly. And they were right.

I am gloriously happy by myself. I'm the king of the world. You do piss and everything and claw the carpets. Quite right. Well, Katie says from her blissful kitten fest. As I was sitting on the sofa

reading the last few pages of my book, I saw one of the kittens knock over what I presume is a rather expensive vase full of the sort of pointless the expensive stick things you only get in posh people's houses that is absolute nonsense katie they sell those sticks in pound stretcher you know the thing about sticks you can get them for free from the ground where they have fallen yeah although they're gonna

have a scent of dog shit or grass aren't they whereas these are some scented with jasmine and licorice and things katie says answer me this do i tidy up this mess while i'm absolutely exhausted and have already hoovered i don't think that the hoovering is going to apply retrospectively to this uh or do i leave the mess under the assumption they'll presume the kittens did it in the night when you put it like that yes do that one leave the mess i'm not sure actually i mean kitten sitting isn't as serious a business clearly as babysitting um because with babysitting there's no joy for the babysitter whereas with kitten sitting you are there partly because you get to play with some kittens um so you know it's not

such a ruthlessly financial transaction uh but um but i think if a baby shat itself under your watch when you were babysitting you'd do something about it that's your job and i'm afraid if a kitten knocks over a vase, I'm afraid part of the kitten-sitting process probably is you have to action that. You know, otherwise the house could be empty. What kind of a kitten-sitter are you if you don't action things? They're not going to assume that you knocked over

the sticks, I would guess. No. Maybe that's what you're going about. But you could say, the kittens knocked it over and I cleared it up. I think that's part of being a kitten-sitter. Oh, the kittens stole some of your spare cash. Kittens kittens the kittens drank all your booze also kittens like baby humans like to just put things in their mouths and if they ache the sticks or the shards of bars exactly yeah you've got to clean it up okay yeah you've sold me on this ollie sorry have you been to the cat cafe yet that has recently opened in london i haven't are you tempted no because um it's an enclosed room isn't it so the cats don't run

away and i think an enclosed room that smells of cats and coffee shop is probably going to be a bit rank and other cat weirdos like you yeah but i think the idea is really nice are the cats not a bit like escorts you know because they're just there to make anyone who's paid to visit them feel like they are the one how many times a day does someone walk into the cat cafe and go hey i'm just here for the pussy they're so bored of that yeah and they've only been open a few weeks i know that my baby is the absolute best i put facebook photos up daily and my friends are impressed apart from ones who block me because they're jealous

because their babies are so ugly. Well why not build a gallery of your kid on Squarespace with special pages for its cute feet and cute hands and cute face so my Facebook feed won't have your kid all over the place he looks like a

scrotum. Big thanks to Squarespace for sponsoring today's episode of Answer Me This. And if you want to experiment with Squarespace, there's a... And why wouldn't you want to, to design yourself a beautiful website that works on mobile and the desktop internet? Well, I don't know, Ollie. I can't get myself into the heads of these idiots that wouldn't want that. But if you do, and if you've used your two-week free trial, and you think, I like this, I want a year of it with 10% off,

then use the code ANSWER3 to get exactly that. Well, how apt? Here is a question of web design. It is from Jacob from Suffolk who says, as a way of making money as a teenager, I run a small web design business. Beats a paper round. It certainly does.

I made a website for a client, continues Jacob, and he refuses to pay me. I realise I could have taken many preventative measures that would have stopped this from happening in the first place, like asking for payment before doing the site, presumably. Watertight contracts. But I didn't.

So Helen answered me this. What can I do to get my money? Here are some more details. He's only owed 250 pounds I say only I mean I'm saying only from an from an adult perspective I wouldn't but I'm not sure I'd go to court over 250 pounds that's 20 minutes work uh he says uh I worked on the website for most of a month oh 250 quid for most of a month Jacob you are running this business wrong yeah yeah that's very cheap right Or preparing yourself for a career in radio. He says, I didn't use any precaution because I didn't have any trouble with my other clients.

Ted with a condom. Because I'm a teenager, he doesn't take me seriously. I can understand why now this problem has arisen. And then he says, two details I think we didn't need, but I think just to flesh out the story are helpful. The client's name is David. David, pay up right now. Shame on you, David.

And the second thing he says is, i don't want to involve my parents oh so he doesn't want us to say why don't you ask your mummy and daddy to go around to david's house and say please give jacob his money because he's very so won't leave his room uh i assume that's not what they want i think you you have to concentrate on what about you as a teenager he is taking advantage of and counterbalance it you need to send him a letter written in legalese saying very briefly if you don't pay me the sum of 250 pounds by a specific date that's about two weeks hence then i will be launching legal action that will probably be enough yeah i agree actually i think um as well that when teenagers get into situations like this because it is exciting you know i mean that's the thing jacob's written to us because this is an interesting

story in a way what is exciting ollie it seems not exciting and it also seems sad no i disagree i think when you have a first experience in business it's exciting oh brilliant someone's trying to rip me off yeah yeah no but seriously yeah no i think it's adult is that yes yes i think jacob's quite excited that he's having this problem isn't it interesting this problem i'm having and i think sometimes uh when young people in business try and counteract that they sort of overreact i can imagine the letter being too wordy yes like if you do this i'm going to go on youtube and i'm going to do this and this you know to the guy who's not giving you the 250 quid is probably not a big deal this you just want to keep it to the point you don't want to say to him i need you to pay me because i did this work yeah exactly all the

extraneous detail but you don't want to put too much emotion in no that's what i mean it's a business transaction anger don't put all of these little jokes in that you put in your letter to us keep it straightforward you know i want my money yeah maybe bitchag knee break. Also, if David does have a Twitter account, go on there and just say, I recently did some work for at David and he has proven stubborn at paying because businesses hate public shaming. Also, if it is a web design issue, is there not some back end to the website

you could block him using? Yeah, good point. Or is it, Jacob, that he didn't actually like the work you did for him, in which case this is a bit more complicated, isn't it? Maybe there's a reason why he's not paying. Well, I'm curious why he's not paying. Is it because he's just taken advantage? If he didn't like the work he should pay you a nominal fee for having done it.

Well, indeed, if the fee was arranged. Assuming you've upheld your side of the bargain, Jacob, which I'm assuming is not enshrined in writing because otherwise you wouldn't necessarily be in this mess, then you should get the money even if he doesn't like it but yes maybe you should change the front page of the website to david is a tight-fisted arsehole yeah which doesn't really make sense actually when you put those two expressions together but does the trick yeah and i think also it's important

when arranging this work that you do it via email so that there is a written trail over the phone that's when problems arise you don't have the proof plenty of lessons for the future aren't there jacob i think he acknowledges as much himself in his email to us i mean ideally you should be looking at a 30 30 40 deposit scheme here shouldn't you he should give you money up front then a bit in the middle and then more at the end yeah money on delivery and then money on publication or something and that therefore even if he was unhappy with the finished product you've been paid a bit for the work you've done yeah even if you've done a bad job frankly yeah you've been paid a bit for the work you've done. Yeah. Even if you've done a bad job, frankly. Yeah.

You've got 70% of the money. Exactly. God, kids these days have so many more problems than we had. I had a business card when I was a teenager. Of course you did, you twat. You tiny Patrick Bateman. I always forget you're like Rushmore, Ollie. Yeah, I was like Rushmore without the handjob.

I, at my leaver's ball, gave out my business cards to people. Ladies, hello. And did you get any snogs out of it? Here's my fax number. handjob i at my uh lever's ball gave out my business cards to people ladies hello and did you get any snogs out of it uh here's my fax number all i really remember is there was one guy who uh he was a real drama queen and he'd he'd fallen on the floor because he was drunk and he was rolling around on the floor saying oh my ribs my ribs i've smashed my ribs and even the teachers were pointing at him laughing and you said here's my card yep put a business card in his top pocket. Left him to ride.

Yeah. That's weird. Yeah. Did you have a good time at your leavers ball? Um, yes. Yes, I did. Although I, even at the age of 16, 17 and 18, because we had three consecutive leavers balls. Just leave already.

You could not get rid of me. Even at that age, I found it less amusing than everyone else to be surrounded by drunk peers. Oh yeah. I'm never as drunk as the other people around me. Yeah. And I've always thought, stop being so stupid. Stop giggling in my ear. that age i found it less amusing than everyone else to be surrounded by drunk peers oh yeah i'm never as drunk as the other people around me yeah and i've always thought stop being so stupid stop giggling in my ear even the people that are like flirting with me and throwing themselves at me i don't even like that i'm just like just can you just be a be a proper show me genuine affection yeah terrible people yeah no i agree the things i remember from the leavers ball are mr lacey the

history and careers teacher dancing hilarious and the rest is just people puking and crying and ill advised sexual partnerships for the evening only. I like that side of things I mean the puking and crying obviously I don't have any sexual partners. Well I mean ideally you like to combine all three. Ladies

and gentlemen I present to you the intermission this week brought to you by Answer Me This, episode 91. Available from answermethisstore.com. Thomas has written in on the subject of embarrassing surnames that Ian Digweed brought up. Oh, yeah, yeah. He says, I must point out that my stepmother's maiden surname was Bastard. We have a winner.

I bet she couldn't get married quick enough, could she? Every date she went on. Do you have a special question you'd like to ask me? Is there something that you want to ask me? And your surname's not Shitpile, is it, please? Great. Listeners, we do so enjoy hearing your questions on the phone line. We do so enjoy it. Lashings of ginger beer.

It's charming, it's charming. So please do leave them by calling the following number. 0208 123 58 007 Or Skyping answer me this. And let's hear who's been in touch. Hi, Helen Arley. Hi. This is Oliver from Leeds, currently at the Leeds Beer Festival.

We've been discussing Oktoberfest. Apparently it's not in October. Is this true? And if so, why not? Answer me that. Answer me that. Yes. Well, Oktoberfest is in October in that the last day of the festival

is always on the first Sunday of October. So it's more true to say that Oktoberfest runs into October. So it's more like pre-emptive Oktoberfest, but that name is a bit long, even with German word building. What about Septemberfest? The reason it's not Septemberfest is its origins were in an event that happened in October, so it would be perverse. The important part of Oktoberfest is, in fact,

October the 12th is the event that they're commemorating annually. Right, OK. It's just that for weather reasons, they brought it forward. I was wondering whether also Oktoberfest has swelled as an occasion and therefore has spilled into September from October. Well, certainly. I mean, so the origins of Oktoberfest are that it was originally a celebration for Prince Ludwig marrying Princess Therese. What a day.

On October the 12th, 1810. And for that, they did the 1810 in Munich equivalent of Rolf Harris introducing Gary Barlow on stage at Buckingham Palace. They had a big event and there were some horses and there was some alcohol. Classic. Some things don't change much. That's right. And they all said, wunderbar. Let's repeat this next year.

Do you think they had an absolutely massive bicentennial Oktoberfest in 2010? Probably. They should have. Everyone in the country got to kiss Heidi Klum. So it was such a popular event this in 1810 that the following year they had another party to honor the princess and not not the prince well it was the crown princess of munich so you know she was the local girl oh so he was just on

bit of rough that she got hitched to yeah the equivalent of that little village that um kate middleton comes from was it called bunbury or something and it's every year it's in the news because they do something around the royals right anyway then when it became an established tradition oktoberfest and obviously suddenly became commercialized rather than just something the city was doing for a laugh uh it was uh felt that if it was moved ahead to september more people would come because of the better weather conditions in munich in september surely though it's time to rename it therefore i'm I'm sure some places have them in May. Oh, yeah.

Well, internationally, indeed. It's a brand, isn't it, really? Oktoberfest. Everyone knows what it means. It means getting drunk and eating sausages. And also now Halloween in Britain seems to be two weeks long.

It seems to be the weekend before and the weekend after. People can get dressed up in costumes and get pissed because in Britain it's not for the kids trick-or-treating. It's for adults

who want to publicly booze. Also, there's more people alive at any time, so there must be more people dead than at any time so there's a lot more ghosts and they can't fit in the one that makes perfect sense yeah thanks for rationalizing it now i hate halloween less but i still hate it easter eggs as well i suppose you know the festival of eating easter eggs that goes on for i mean pretty much all year so anyway lots of examples all of which point me to say yeah why don't they do this with Glastonbury? I know it's around the summer solstice. Why don't they have a commemorative event for the summer solstice and then have Glastonbury Festival in August when the weather's nice

instead of June when it usually pisses with rain? No, but sometimes it's baking hot. It's either muddy or baking. Sometimes, but it usually pisses with rain. I think it's probably for arable reasons. August, you're getting close to the harvest. Well, I'm just saying, if it was in August, I'd be happier going to the harvest. I think it would disrupt the cows too much.

We went to the Bavarian-themed town of Helen in Georgia in the US. Did you go there just because it was called Helen? Yes, and also because it's a Bavarian-themed town and I love those. But I've never been to Bavaria, which is themed after itself. And I saw a poster for German Mardi Gras, which first I first like a fusion restaurant yeah yeah it's called mardi gras a french term and it was on a saturday even though mardi means tuesday yeah and it was in the wrong month tuesday that's interesting but a traditional mardi gras then is always on a tuesday well it's it's shrove tuesday in britain so we get Pancake Day, and in, say, Italy, they get Magnificent Parades. Oh, glad we get cheated, don't we?

I do like pancakes, though. I find it astonishing that there isn't a brand of beer called Oktoberfest, which is sold internationally. I can't imagine anyone holds the copyright for it, really. I imagine it is the kind of thing that Germans get protective about, you know, like champagne has to come from the Champagne region of France. Probably, technically, an Oktoberfest beer has to protective about you know like champagne has to come from the champagne region of france i probably technically an oktoberfest beer has to be you know it has to be more than six percent volume or whatever it is but really if guinness had a brand called

oktoberfest i mean that would be a guaranteed seller around the world wouldn't it and then through october you could do promotions here in the uk like they do with st patrick's day i mean why doesn't someone do that commercially well you could do it it's a missed opportunity i can't now i've just given the idea away. Yeah, but you're always giving your brilliant ideas away. And then do I see them happen? No, because you're the only one capable of making them happen. One day, one day I'll have that.

What's that suitcase you sit on that was on Dragon's Den? Trunkie. Trunkie. Yeah. One day I'll have my trunkie. Whenever I see a trunkie, I think, ah, yeah, the little guy's one. Yeah, exactly. What characterises Oktoberfest apart from beer swilling?

Anything? German music German traditional sardines silly outfits with dungarees sausage or anything sausage yeah yeah yeah not just sausage

but like schnitzel obviously pork and the veal variety so just German German stuff stopping serving wenches I assume so yes I know that's a bit outdated

I don't think it is outdated it's a traditional festival I mean it's a bit like saying Morris men are outdated no they're not if you have an English traditional folk festival that's what you'd expect to see that's a bit outdated. I don't think it is outdated. It's a traditional festival. I mean, it's a bit like saying Morris men are outdated. No, they're not. If you have an English traditional folk festival, that's what you'd expect to see. That's what Oktoberfest is in Germany.

Someone getting slapped with a bladder. Hi, Helen and Ollie. Hello again. It's Oliver at the Leeds Fair Festival again. I've just been informed that Panama hats don't come from Panama. Seriously, what the shit? I don't know what to believe anymore. Oliver is having such a thought-provoking time today, isn't he?

He really is. You'd almost think the effects of alcohol were to overstimulate the brain and make you think that trivial thoughts were somehow more important than they actually are. I would have thought from this evidence alone that the effects of alcohol were to make the brain very inquisitive about all sorts of matters.

Well, Oliver's right. What the shit indeed, Panama hats did not originate in panama they just became famed by being distributed from panama right they started out in ecuador but there weren't that many hat buyers passing through ecuador so the hat makers sent them to panama which was a major transport hub and thus everyone was like hey look at my cool panama hat that i got in panama yeah and all the ecuadorian hat makers going why are you on as an ecuadorian hat yeah but the name is stuck it's evocative of the place it just feels right it's like a hawaiian shirt

i guess i mean i'm sure are from hawaii yeah but you could buy one in london it would still be a hawaiian shirt yeah all sorts of goods that, you know, look like... Tartan looks Scottish, doesn't it? Even if it's from another country. Yeah. Well, for instance, in a lot of the Native American trading posts, the goods are shipped in from Pakistan because it's too expensive to buy the real ones.

I find that weird when you're in the States, actually, that, you know, they're trying to find ways, not anymore because a lot of them have successful gambling businesses, but they were trying to find ways for'm not anymore because a lot of them have successful gambling businesses but they were trying to find ways for the native americans to support themselves on reservations yes on the tiny and infertile reservations and yet they open souvenir shops where clearly the mugs are made in china you just think well why don't they make mugs that's something to do isn't it they do sell a lot of things that are genuine but they're about a hundred times more than anyone can really afford to pay for a rug or a piece of pottery i feel a bit mixed up about it really because i'd love to have like a

navajo rug or something like like that i think they're really beautiful and the pottery is really beautiful but also i don't want to be one of those people that has a navajo rug in their house i think those people are bellends well no i think people with dream catchers are bellends people with navajo rugs are worldly oh Oh, really? I think so. Well, they just need a rug. And they like the style. I bet everyone who is just worldly and not a bellender, though, puts the Navajo rug as a bedspread only in the spare bedroom. That's where it ends up.

It's on the sofa downstairs for a few months after you've come back from America. Then it goes on the spare bed. It's never a feature that you every day think, I want this as part of my life. I do kind of envy people though that have a house full of artefacts. They go, oh yeah, I picked that up on my travels. I picked that up in a souk in Morocco.

And it's next to my real Japanese thing that I picked up in real Japan. And the thing is, that is authentic even if the products were all made in China. That's not really the point, is it? There are certain products that are sold in parts of the world because they appeal to people's tastes from there. So there's still relevance in saying that this was from Mexico. That's not really the point, is it? There are certain products that are sold in parts of the world because they appeal to people's tastes from there. So there's still relevance in saying that this was from Mexico. There's something weirdly colonial about that, though, isn't it?

It's a bit like being a big game hunter, to be like, I've travelled the world and I've bought the most expensive things in every place I've been to. Kind of, but it's also... I mean, you like looking at pictures of your holiday to remind you of positive things, and it just reminds you that, oh, I went to China because I've got this chopstick or whatever it is yeah i mean i don't know i don't think that's weird the panama hat thing though yeah what i think is odd about that and again all these brand

consultancy okay stetson yeah country music yeah uh dick tracy's hat whatever kind of hat that is fedora dick tracy yeah panama yeah only character i can think of in popular fiction and i could be wrong or it could be wrong, you could be about to tell me someone who's really famous who wears one, is Denham Elliott's character in the Indiana Jones movies. I could not possibly comment.

That's not good enough. Well, Poirot wears a Panama hat sometimes, but often it's the Peter Ustinov Poirot. Yeah, but you think of the moustache with Poirot, you don't think of a hat at all. I saw a picture of the guy from Our Man in Havana wearing a Panama hat. Now, I could be wrong.

I'm sure if I went on the Wikipedia article, there'd be, like, lists of famous people who wear Panama hats. But off the top of my head, I can't think of one, and I think that's a missed opportunity, isn't it? Actually, come to think of it, there's some great hats in Indiana Jones. Really?

Period, aren't there? I mean, Indiana Jones' hat is incredible, that cowboy-type hat. And then there's the one who wears the fez. That's three great hats in the Indiana Jones movies. Is that a racist hat, the fez? Hipsters are going to try and bring the fez back at some point, aren't they? They've already had a go on the top hat and the bolo. Maybe a tiny hat, the fez? Hipsters are going to try and bring the fez back at some point, aren't they? They've already had a go on the top hat and the bolo.

Maybe a tiny fez. I look forward to the day that Ant and Dec unironically are wearing fezes, though. Bring it back. Not since Tommy Cooper has it been on primetime Saturday night TV. Helen? Oliver? Though life is full of questions, there are answers you must know. One. No, it will not fall off, but moderation in all things too.

Yes, there probably is, but we won't find out in our lifetimes. Three. Most people prefer colliery, but my personal favorite is dalton for if you try and slip a one it would ruin your friendship yes here's a question from greg who says when you see a sign on the motorway or on the way into a town, it will say London 50. But, Helen, answer me this, where is that measured from? Who decides where the direct centre of a town or city is and who measures it? And what is the exact centre of London?

The exact centre of London. Well, what criteria are you trying to measure there? Are you trying to find geographical centre or emotional centre? Or grammatical. It would be between N and D, wouldn't it? Population. Population? Yeah, population weighted centre. Or grammatical. It would be between N and D, wouldn't it? Population. Population? Yeah, population-weighted centre. Oh, I see, yeah. Well, that, oh, now as a statistician,

what would that be? Just off the top of your head. It's probably somewhere in the city of London, I would have thought. I mean, the city of London's got a very small population, but if you worked out the centroid, it's probably there. It's probably all the people taking pictures

outside Buckingham Palace. That always seems to be where the most people are. Well, this is the thing. I think if you ask most people for a central London landmark, they would probably come up with somewhere in the West End. But the name is a clue there. It's the West End.

Or they come up with Westminster. Again, name is a clue. I was told as a kid that for most towns, the distance is measured to the town hall. Is that right? I think it's usually quite a tacit decision on a case-by-case basis, Martin. I would guess in old towns where there's a square in the centre of the town

with a crucifix in the middle or something, that's the point. Yes, the market square, isn't it? But then in Telford, where you grew up, Martin, a new town, what are they going to measure from, the front door of PC World? I think it'll probably be that fog that blows bubbles. But according to the AA, who of course have to supply a lot of this data, they say we've historically chosen the town centre as being the strategic point where the major feeder roads converge,

which was almost invariably in the centre. However, as town centres are now often pedestrianised and served by ring roads and bypasses, stay with me,

the criteria become slightly more vague. We can only generate a mileage to a point that is on a fully accessible road. So I think they just have to go for the convergence of roads that is nearest the centre of the town, but not the pedestrianised precinct or Westfield or whatever.

Blimey. So in London, where is it? Well, historically in London, Ollie, it was Charing Cross, but the original Charing Cross, which is actually on the south side of Trafalgar Square, where there is a statue of Charles I on horsebackback and it's not far from nelson's column nelson's column would be quite a good uh unit of measurement wouldn't it good landmark as well i can see actually if you're in a car you can't actually drive to nelson's column they can't drive right up to it because it is pedestrianized around it it's just a guide isn't it no one's ever going to go what i really want

to do is drive to the center of london you want to go to a particular place you want to go to a shop or a home. You say that actually sometimes when I've got my sat-nav on me. If I'm driving past a place I've never been to before, I made this mistake with Coventry, won't do that again. I'll think, oh, that's a town I've heard of but not visited before. Centre Coventry, that must mean it's really good. So did you go to the cathedral?

No, I went to Ikea for meatballs. That was the best I could do in Coventry. That's never in the centre. No, but exactly. What I did, not knowing the town, is I said to the cathedral? No, I went to Ikea for meatballs That was the best I could do in Coventry That's never in the centre No, but exactly What I did, not knowing the town Is I said to the sat-nav Take me to the centre of Coventry And it usually is quite good actually

At taking you to a landmark That you think, oh yeah I can see this is a place I would want to hang around Because sometimes, especially in a foreign country If you've got sat-nav with you You don't really know what the centre would look like Until you get to it And then you're like, oh yeah, okay

Big square or, you know, shopping centre. Yeah, this feels like the right kind of place to park up. So it can be quite useful. Yeah. But as I say, not necessarily the place you want to stop and have lunch. In London, it'd be very difficult to park next to Trafalgar Square.

Well, this is it. You're entering a nightmare. The reality is, of course, in London, how many miles away it is from you is scarcely the point. You're often less than a mile away. The point is it still might take you an hour. yeah yeah so alternative routes would be more useful to know on a sign than uh than how many miles it would be if you took the slowest route well with google's traffic alerts only a matter of time for the signs are illuminated by that it may be 50 physical

miles but your life miles is actually more like 300 here's a question from isaac who says ollie answer me this. What was the first ever pornographic film? Well, actually, that's quite a complicated question. Oh, no. But only because as we've remarked before,

as everyone has remarked before, pornography is always, you know, at the vanguard of developing technology. I mean, is it a What the Butler Saw machine? Well, exactly.

And define what would constitute a pornographic film. Precisely. Do you have to see penetrative sex or is it just titillation if it's just titillation you can go back to the first recorded images or a botticelli painting well exactly as soon as someone wouldn't be saying film so what the butler saw machine which was essentially a series of saucy postcards sped up yeah that that would count as a porn film in a way wouldn't it dirty zoetrope um so i think if you take a very broad definition of pornography, then the answer is 1896.

The seven minute long film that has... Queen Victoria's ankles. Has at least four different names online. I'll give you them all because I don't know which one is the correct name. Thanks. Le Coucher de la Marier. It is, of course, French. Of course it is.

Dirty odds odds. Marriage bed? Bedtime for the Bride is a translation. Or The Bridegroom's Dilemma. And then I've also seen it on YouTube. You can actually watch this film on YouTube as After the Ball, Apres le Bal. Wow, that's quite different then.

Yeah, all different names. And in fact, Apres le Bal is dated as 1897. It's not actually that surprising that both the titles and the dating are a bit suppressed because the footage was suppressed because it was so risque. When is the official release date

back in those days anyway of anything? Exactly. And particularly of this. So something, this would have been essentially thought of as an experimental art house film that couldn't be distributed through conventional means.

So you'd have only watched it when projector technology was available in someone's home or a gentleman's club. So, you know, this could have lasted 30 years really without anyone really realising it was available in someone's home or a gentleman's club so you know this could have lasted 30 years really without anyone really realizing it was available have you watched it i have watched it is it arousing well there's only whack off there's only two minutes of it left which even for me is not quite long enough to get with it um and um because the footage degraded over time so five minutes have been lost uh what it is is it's uh two women so

interesting that even the first porn film was two women no man involved um two women one is a maid uh who apparently later married the director um and the lady who's stripping off um is undressed by the maid yeah she gets down to her breeches um yeah it's pretty hot stuff then she steps into a tub then i think she does take her knickers off so top half is still covered but bottom half you see her bum but is she in a tub yeah but she's standing in a tub that only comes up to her ankles right so you see her bum and then she sort of bends forward slightly and the maid pours what looks like coal over her but i think it's supposed to

be water hot water to wash her right but it looks like lumps of coal the shutter speeds were different in those well exactly it was obviously some sort of like ribena colored liquid so you could see it on screen i guess i see so essentially it's it's the old thing of of watching a bum in the rain it's that bum in the rain that's so french isn't it debussy would have written that as a piece of music uh but what's quite nice actually is she's um i wouldn't describe her as fat but she's quite curvy she's quite returned to the lady um and certainly not, certainly the conventions of pornography

of a certain type of lady being appropriate for the pornographic form had not yet been established. She doesn't have plastic tits, does she? She certainly doesn't. She's got a quite wibbly round bum. So it's quite nice to see. And obviously what's weird is it's, it's so un-pornographic by today's standards

that it's allowed to be hosted on YouTube. I mean, it's not even listed as erotic content. I mean, it's PG, really. I mean, you're looking at a bum, but... Someone's mooning. Yeah, basically someone's mooning. Yeah. So that's... The official answer is that. Right. But then I think really, if you take pornography as

it means now and pornographic film as it means now, I think you're really asking when was the first close-up of penetrative sex, because I think that's really what defines a pornographic film now. And i know you can argue over softcore hardcore and everything else arty stuff exactly but i think really that's the question and therefore obviously you get a different answer um and the answer is is either the satyr which is a film that may have been filmed in argentina at the turn of the century or may have been filmed in Cuba in the 1930s wow so still early it's still early but no one knows because it was suppressed and quieted but it's in black

and white obviously and it's about um I believe two ladies that are having a a swim and a horned devil comes up and does the business with them um so it's either that or again if you could say well is that pornography is that just a scene in an arty film? The stuff that is definitely porn and only designed for arousal is the stuff that was coming out of Denmark and the Netherlands in the 60s. Okay. And I never knew why, because, you know, in our lifetimes, most of the porn that I've seen has been American.

I never knew why it was a cliché that you have, like, Swedish porn. You know, because whenever people pastiched porn in the 70s and 80s in comedy shows, they'd always put on a stupid Swedish accent, do stuff in the sauna. I never knew why that was. And it's because Denmark and the Netherlands were the first countries to legalize pornography, legalize the making of hardcore pornography. Right. And people don't see the distinction between Denmark and the Netherlands and Sweden. No. Well, Americans don't. OK. Denmark and the Netherlands and Sweden? No, well, Americans don't, no. Okay. So, yeah, so the first porn that a lot of people saw was stuff that was made in Denmark and the Netherlands legally

and then exported through underhand means and ended up in peep show booths and stuff. So it's hard to pick a classic title from the 1960s, obviously, because, again, they weren't being made out in the open, really. Yeah. But there were thousands of them at that point. So I guess the answer to the question is, when the the first porn films as we know them now 1960s when the first time penetrative sex probably 1930s when the first vaguely titillating vaguely pornographic film

19 1896 was it real penetration though with the satire yeah i believe so yeah but i haven't seen it because um it's not on the internet as far as i can tell too too racy i think you can download it from the bfi but you have to pay i don't pay for my color pornography i'm not going to pay for something in black and white you're sure it's not on red tube or anything i couldn't find it sort of bestiality that isn't it mythical bestiality yeah i suppose uh but i i suppose that as always with pornography that's the cloak of artiness isn't it if you're doing mythology then it's kind of like oh yeah we're making a statement we're not just showing sex i guess it's a get out of jail free card for someone who finds it and with that let's bring

this episode to a climax very good but if you want a repeat performance in two weeks time then please send us more questions by email phone or Skype. All of our contact details are available on our website. AnswerMeThisPodcast.com Where you can also find links to follow us on Twitter and Facebook and at the moment, much more importantly, go there as well to see the links. We'll post them up when the episodes have been out to our Radio 4 show. And us on Richard Herring's Left Square Theatre podcast. So lots to listen to.

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