Answer Me This! - AMT289: Americana, Pret a Manger, and what Ladies Do in the Bathroom

Episode Date: May 8, 2014

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Is Children of the Universe sung by Battle Cat? Answer me this, answer me this What's the best Eurovision costume Gina G's twat? Answer me this, answer me this Helen and Ollie, answer me this In episode 288 of Answer Me This, Scott from Long Island delivered the curse of emailing in and saying whenever I email a podcast the next episode they announce that they're finished ollie anything to announce nothing to announce we are laughing in the face of your curse scott oh do you think this is dangerous though tempting

fate that as soon as we finish this episode one of us will be chopped in half it's a shame in a way that the curse doesn't work because i could think of a few podcasts i would like him to write to if it did oh yeah but uh but sadly no. Does it work if we pretend to be him? I think he has to love the podcast in order for it to work. That's harder to cheat,

isn't it? that is harder to cheat, yeah. Maybe he doesn't love us enough. If this was a Disney film version of The Curse then that would be the twist, wouldn't it?

Well, so whichever way Scott's curse had panned out we're going to be offended by it. Yeah, that's right. Thanks a bunch, Scott. In last episode we also tackled Erica's question about how to keep those pesky darn Yes, that's right. Thanks a bunch, Scott. In last episode, we also tackled Erica's question about how to keep those pesky

darn neighbourhood kids off her lawn. And Lawrence has quite a simple and non-aggressive solution that the other neighbours won't look at and think, well, that's a bit rude of her trying to get rid of our kids. He suggests,

why not set up a sprinkler on the front lawn? This will deter the children in the colder months. Yeah, in the colder months. The problem is it will attract the children in the warmer months, won't it? So that's why that won't work. Well well if the children still play on the lawn some sprinklers come with built-in reservoirs to store liquid fertilizers to combine with the

water this will make the children grow bigger and also kind of similar to your turd suggestion there it's a liquid version of my cover your lawn in turds suggestion a lady called sam in london has also this uh quite scientific suggestion she says erica could try the mosquito alarm it's a high-pitched whining noise that only the youth can hear because adults high frequency hearing decays as we age it's amazing that that product is allowed to be sold i always think that when i see that advertised i know that it's it's mainly to get rid of animals it's always advertised as keeps cats off your lawn and ho ho ho might get rid of those pesky kids as well. Ha ha ha.

If it was the other way round, if it emitted a tone that was so low that only elderly people could hear it, would they ever advertise it that way? I reckon they would. Keeps the mosquitoes off your lawn and all those pensioners. Ha ha ha.

I don't think oxygenary delinquency is a thing, Ollie. It's the free love generation, isn't it? Who are now pensioners. There could be pensioner orgies going on that you might not want on your lawn. Or people selling drugs on your lawn. Yeah. I think that's a pretty good suggestion but here is some more advice from the phone line hi helen ollie and martin uh this is john from portsmouth i have factual information and proof

of what works and i had a similar problem uh when i lived in a close and the children would come up to the end to play football and would happily ping their footballs inside my car, which I found quite annoying. And you don't want to spread it all over the street under the cover of darkness, chuckling profusely, I hasten to add, and gone. Children, gone. No one ever meant that I did it for probably only two weeks. Never saw them again. Didn't have to do it again, the turds. They just didn't even bother wandering up the street. So I can guarantee you, kids hate turds, they just didn't even bother wandering up the street. So I can guarantee you kids hate turds just like I do.

So that was my suggestion, cover the lawn in turds. So there you go, it works. It works. Proof. I'm glad you've been proven right. Thanks, John. What's nice is we're recycling a waste product here as well. Turds.

You know, turds. And he's cleaning up the park, which is very altruistic. Yes, something that is often required, isn't it, by the local council. They're trying to find volunteers to do that because people should clear up their own dog's poo but they don't and then this way you're actually taking that waste product and turning it into something that will not only keep children off your lawn but also acts as fertilizer as well yeah i apologize for suggesting that my idea was better than yours helen because obviously you do win with the turds thank you very much as so often the problem with my turd solution is you've got turds all over your

lawn here's a question from jim in tewksbury who says my current girlfriend recently disappeared to the bathroom to freshen up having allowed this idiom to roll around my brain for a while i've not been able to deduce what it might mean is there no brain function in there jim the list of possible functions one can perform when alone in a bathroom seems practically endless. If you're an idiot, yeah. You've got a bored imagination. So, Helen, answer me this. What is the ugly truth of what really goes on when a lady freshens up?

What does he expect? That she's behind there spritzing herself with lemon juice? I can relate to his confusion. The downstairs department of a of a lady for a lot of gentlemen is such a foreign planet such a mystery that it's the undercarriage helen that it is conceivable that if someone says i'm going to go and freshen up it could be a euphemism for sticking a feather duster up there i mean you've no idea really that's a horrible image to put in everyone's minds well done ollie but i guess that i always thought it meant going for a shit well it's minimum a piss because women do need to go jim and if you're that mystified by her saying these things then this could come as a shock to you but women do perform the same evacuation functions as men

yeah but actually why aren't they a bit more frank about it i don't know i know a lot of women will say men talk too much you know announce loudly i'm going for a poo that's the thing and women don't like that generally that's not very that's not true at all martin martin does it regularly and women tend not to do that so much but is that a um a remnant of a time when they were worried about being ladylike or is it just they have better sense of manners yeah i like to think it's a remnant of a time when there were more interesting things to talk about than bowel movements yeah but actually saying i'm going to powder my nose that's the other euphemism isn't it well that's now for people who are doing coke in the bathroom this is it it's actually more confusing than just saying

i need to go for a wee see in a sec so why do people say freshen up why say it at all why not be more well yes your girlfriend is being old-fashioned in this way yes but i think jim is being deliberately obduced by not understanding when he says the list of functions does he think that she's like filling the bath with water and then staging an aquatic battle with toy boats in a way i'd like to see the list jim please do email us back with the whole list if he's saying endless it has to have a minimum of 30 plausible suggestions what she could be doing in there yeah i think freshen up there's a weird connotation to have with going to the toilet. It's not as coy as Americans calling the loo's restrooms

where people go and have a nice rest. Yeah. Cloak room is the most euphemistic. Oh yeah. Excuse me, where's the gentleman's

cloak room? I need to go and piss in my pocket. On sort of online games I've heard people refer to a comfort break which I think is quite a nice way of putting it.

Well that is actually true as well because it can be quite uncomfortable when being burdened with... Discomforting things. Yes. Or really nerdy people sometimes refer to it as a bio-break, which I quite like.

Bio-break does sound like bio-waste, bio-hazard. Then you would wonder what is going on in the bathroom. That's even more euphemistic than freshening up. Flushing a barrel of nuclear waste down your toilet. I'm cloning a dinosaur. Well, here's a question from tori who says i just sat down in pret and on the empty table next to me is a tray of half finished food a few dirty mugs i don't use mugs in press it's all paper cups that's a good point unbelievable tori i don't believe this story at all

that's a good point you know i've not thought about that why is that because in starbucks costa nero if you dine in you get a mug because pret everything is everything's in paper isn't it yeah they know their market and it's a market that has to flee mid-meal but if you have to pay extra and stay there to listen to the jazz music v18 nightmare as it says on the tills um then you think they'd give you some mugs i think they don't have washing up facilities because do they need them no well they've never thought about that it's not even the question no mugs tory but let's see what other lies are in your email. Well, no, this is the exciting bit.

This is the other thing that's on the tray next to her at the table in Pret. An unopened brownie. Oh, you hit the jackpot. She continues. I really, really like Pret brownies. So, Helen, answer me this. Would it be against the law For me to take this brownie

How would finders keepers Losers weepers Hold up In a court of law As if that kind of petty theft Would get to a court of law anyway That would be a good use of our system If they've just popped out

To the restroom Or if they've just gone to get Some extra things Then yes that would be bad But if that table has definitely been permanently departed from by the brownie owner, then I couldn't find the legal position on this, but I think it's fine.

And if you want to dress it up as not fine, you can say it's freeganism, because in prep we know that they like to use up the unbought food and give it away to homeless people. So maybe they would also approve of you using up something else that might just go in the bin. I think it's not just because given it to a homeless person, but you do have to balance the morality of wasting

a perfectly good food item in this society of abundance. Yes and no. If you were sitting in the Apple store and someone had left behind an unopened iPad... Yeah, it's fair game. I think the more valuable the item, the more moves you have to make to return it. I deliberately choose an extreme example there,

but obviously there's muddy water in between, isn't there? And I think because a brownie is relatively cheap, you don't make the same connection as if someone left behind something that was worth even three times as much. Yeah. I think also the brownies are sealed, and that makes a lot of difference. If it was, say, a full full looking pint of beer in a pub you might still be dubious if it was an untouched looking plate of chips again you might think but this seems like a a safe product will you say that i mean i had this exact dilemma just a few

weeks ago i went out for lunch uh in a really posh um tea rooms in cheltenham if anyone's from cheltenham they know exactly the place i mean it's the one that says it was the first tea room in cheltenham i bet they all say that. And that, no, this is like, it's very, it's kind of had a makeover and they call themselves an artisan bakery now as well. Oh no! So yeah, no, but it's quite nice, but you know. That's an annoying term though. You're getting a flavour of the place. Even though you're in the provinces, you're talking 12 quid for a sandwich, right? So I was there, it was nice. Table of a posh family next to us, two screaming kids that wouldn't sit down like you

know orlando and olivia you know making a lot of noise wouldn't shut up parents trying their best to be sort of relaxed and cool and just having a sandwich and then in the end just freaked out it's like look we're leaving we're leaving come on come on we're leaving and they left and they left behind two undrunk i mean i saw the kids had not touched them chocolate milkshakes oh now like i say this is a posh place 18 quid they were probably about six pounds each the chocolate milkshakes were made with three scoops of decent quality ice cream there were jelly tots on top i mean they look really good but i'd seen the kids kind of putting their mucky fingers all over the cup and like breathing on it

yeah that is a bacteria lab and adding the jelly tots oh no and so i just thought okay i can't drink that those are left behind by children. But I really thought about it because I thought those are just sitting there. Yeah, but if there's a straw in there, you could drink the bottom of the milkshake and then just leave it in. There was a straw in there. So the jelly tot infected layer wasn't going into your body. So would you have done that? I don't know.

There was a straw. I could have done that. I could have done that. It's so difficult, Ollie. But it was just seeing the mucky children's hands all over it. I thought, no, I'm not going to. And did you want them? Of course I wanted them. Were you in the mood? Because sometimes I'm not in the mood done that. It's so difficult, Ollie. But it's just seeing the mucky children's hands all over it. I thought, no, I'm not going to. And did you want them? Of course I wanted them.

Were you in the mood? Because sometimes I'm not in the mood for that. Well, you see, but it was a convenient middle ground for me as well because I wouldn't have ordered the chocolate milkshake because it's disgusting because I'd already had a sandwich and a coffee. However, seeing them drink it, I was thinking on some level, oh, I'd like a taste of that. And then it was there.

It was like God wanted me to dive in and take it when they left. Two of them as well. One for you, one for you one for your girlfriend i know i know your girlfriend is more concerned with matters of hygiene than you did you voice this wish to her i wouldn't dare right okay so so you didn't have a discussion and then decide not to in fact i probably would have waited for her to go to the bathroom to freshen up before i lent over and uh completed the milkshake by myself without even her knowing she would be disgusted that the thought was even in my head it wouldn't be in her head i think if i'd been with you we would have goaded each other to do it yeah i think that's probably right this is a much more complex situation than

the simple act of taking food so what you should have done is waited till your girlfriend go and freshen up yeah drink say six percent of the milkshake really really quickly and then put back on the table she wouldn't even notice yeah that that happened that's right and also you've got the positive effect here that the child is unlike... I mean, we've already seen that the child is being disciplined. The parents want to get out there as soon as possible. They don't deserve this milkshake. Jelly tots don't even go with chocolate.

They're not going to come back and try and claim the milkshake that they'd opened, effectively. And also, you could always pretend it had been cleared away. But there is a danger, is there not, with the brownie situation in Pret. Unlikely as it may be, that, you know, due to the fast-moving nature of a convenience food store,

the person may have only left that brownie there two minutes ago. They may walk halfway down the street and think, oh, brownie, go back and you're eating it. Okay, cover story for Tori. She takes all of their stuff off the table and clears it away into the recycling bins and then keeps the brownie.

And then if they come back for the brownie, she can say, I'm really sorry, they cleared it up. Because they do have to bust the tables quite regularly. Then adding fraud to theft. No, this is my brownie that I bought. What a coincidence. If she wants to sell her conscience a bit, maybe she should give the value of the brownie to a charity.

Little thing that I used to do in Pret, I'm not proud of this, I'm just saying it because it's relevant. You're a bit proud, I reckon. No, I'm really not. I'm not proud of this. Did you pretend you were taking out so you didn't have to pay the extra VAT to have it in? No, everyone would still do that that i still think if you're sitting outside yeah if you're sitting on the chair and table outside in the cold in winter

vat nightmare should not apply only applies within the walls i think so um so no i still do that okay but there's something that i used to do that i'm not proud of um but i feel like i've made it up to pret since because their prices are you know quite dear quite dear. And I go there quite a lot. Is I used to go to the cash till, pay for my sandwich. And then I'd say, oh, oh, can I have an orange juice? I'll get it out the fridge on the way out. And they'd say, sure. And they'd inevitably, I never specified, you see,

inevitably charge me for the regular. I'd go and take the large. What? So they'd charge me like £1 one pound 40 which is a lot for orange juice but the large is like three quid you did that on purpose constantly on a daily basis that is so dishonest every day i took a large orange juice and only paid for it like a grifter like john kuzak in that film it's not gonna end well then someone put you the baseball bat if you've got a question email your question. To unsubmit this podcast, give them out at home.

Unsubmit this podcast, give them out at home. Unsubmit it. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Unsubmit it. Oh, oh, oh, oh. So, Retrospectives, what historical events are we ticking off on this week's run of Today in History? On Monday, we bring you the real story of the mutiny on the bounty. On Tuesday, the anniversary of the day somebody invented the meatball, but who?

On Wednesday, the iconic British car that ripped off an iconic American car. On Thursday, how American airlines invented air miles. And on Friday, the UFO sighting that gripped colonial America. We discuss this and more on Today in History with The Retrospectors. Ten minutes each weekday, wherever you get your podcasts. Neil from Crawley in West Sussex has been back in touch with a couple of questions regarding American culture. Good, we like that, don't we?

We do, don't we? We like questions, we like American culture, we like Sussex. I suppose we do, yeah, my parents live there. We like Neil's questions. There's nothing so far, Neil, that I have to take against you here. We do like Neil from Crawley. He's good at questions. He's good.

He says, Ollie, answer me this. What exactly is a homecoming queen? Wouldn't it be great if that was slang that was used within Windsor Castle? Oh, shone away. Sound the siren. Homecoming queen, everyone. Ship shape. I'm glad you asked because only as a result of researching this

do I now know that it is in fact entirely distinct, the phenomenon of the Homecoming Queen, to that of the Prom Queen. Is it at the beginning of the school year and the Prom Queen is at the end of the school year? Yes. Oh, good guess. And the Prom Queen is really just for the prom.

Well, because the prom is at the end of term, then you've basically got a day of it, haven't you? It's not like you've got a few weeks to lord it over everyone as Prom Queen.'s right but as homecoming queen you get a whole year a whole year being a bitch according to all those teen movies yeah it's the equivalent of being head girl i suppose uh in a sort of traditional uk school well it's more like being winner of a beauty pageant and then having to go and open village fates all year well only in that uh if you went to a school where head girl was decided undemocratically by the teachers

yes are you bitter um why would i be bitter i was head boy were you i got to be head boy and it was decided democratically by the students best of all did i know genuinely the most popular is that because you had an ace pr campaign of course my poster campaign featured um a still that i ripped off the internet before google images it was harder than it sounds uh of marlene from neighbors oh i think that's why i won why were you doing that to people she was the worst because all the other people standing for head boy were taking themselves quite seriously and they were putting up headshots in which they looked you know relatively glamorous yeah so i i undercut that helen put up pictures of marlene

from neighbors the joke really was though that everyone knew who i was anyway so actually it was much more arrogant than the people who were putting up a picture of themselves looking good and i suppose you did look a bit like her yeah a little bit yeah for a 17 year old boy and then were you able to rule because that just just having a flash campaign doesn't mean you're qualified i did preside over a petition to get a goldfish bowl in the sixth form center but i don't believe that ever materialized very sad it's because i had to work with the head of the environment committee who was a sap. I think this may be the first I've heard of this unless I've just forgotten it but I'd always associated you with Rushmore but not so much Tracy Flick. No I was precocious and prodigious in my sixth

form. I did everything worth doing. God you did. Then what happened? It all went downhill from then. Why did your political career end there? But anyway, back to the homecoming queen. So yeah, beginning of the year, I think a great way to start the term in a way to have a crowning and actually have a ceremony where they crown the king and queen. There's a banquet, very often a football match.

There's a parade in some towns. I mean, all we did at my school at the beginning of term was sing Jerusalem and go on litter patrol. Well, litter needs to be picked up while singing Jerusalem. Yeah, I guess. Because, litter needs to be picked up whilst singing Jerusalem. Because green and pleasant land does not have empty Coke cans on it.

But anyway, this has been going on in various parts of America since the mid-1800s. Wow! Was it one of the only occasions where boys and girls were allowed to associate with one another? I wonder if it was more like one of the only occasions where people could secretly express their desire to have a monarchy.

You can be proud, can't you, of this last bangled banner and yet also think, yeah, homecoming queen, want one of them. Do you have duties throughout the year as a homecoming queen or is it just being adored and going out with the head of the football team? I think it's basically that. Well, that's my interpretation for modern movies as well. And they tell the truth, don't they? Of course they do. Not just a very broad brush interpretation of it and the thing is i i wonder whether american schools american universities american small suburban towns are actually cooler than british ones i think the answer is yes because they're self-mythologizing

because they mythologize their own culture so much but you know there isn't i can't think of a british film that's about a place like Tunbridge Wells or Stanmore. No, that glamorises sedan chair races. Yeah, that's just about suburbia and middleness. Yeah, because here we'd have the May Queen in a village, say. You don't get films going, Michelle's been made May Queen, bet she's going to go out with the head of the football team.

I'm never going to be able to go out with Pete because he goes out with Michelle, the May Queen. That just wouldn't happen, would it? More broadly than that, like our schools aren't, like either British films

show life as train spotting or as four weddings and a funeral. I know that's generalising, but essentially it's posh or it's dark. Or in if, it's both.

Indeed, but there's very few occasions where you get what you get in American films all the time, which is it's actually a normal town with a couple of McDonald's in it and a Dunkin' Donuts and a street that looks...

Inbetweeners, that's what the Inbetweeners does. Yes, yes, the Inbetweeners is an excellent... There's very few like that, though, isn't there? There was a big spate in the 70s, wasn't there? They saw Gregory's Girl, Patanga and Capabang. Yeah, that's true, yeah. So is it just the seniors that get to be homecoming queen? And how are they elected?

It is. I think how they're elected varies from school to school, but I think it is a democratic process. is popularity vote but it is based on looks and popularity isn't it not on academic merit well uh they do have apparently in some places homecoming prince and princesses uh which is in every year below the senior year um so you can at every age have one and then in some politically correct schools apparently there are duke and duchesses for kids with special needs as well so So it's not just about popularity. Yeah, but it is not about academic achievement.

Oh, no, don't be ridiculous. Merit doesn't come into it laughable, I dare you. How silly. We're talking about America. Well, Neil from Crawley has a second question about America. He says, in American films and TV shows, when a teenage party is depicted, all the kids are always seen drinking from the exact same type of red plastic cups.

Oh, yeah. Ollie, answer me this. What's that about? The red Solo cups? Because I know how excited you are that Solo cups are now available in Crystal Palace. Well, I don't think they're on brand Solo cups. It's just that Sainsbury's has started selling a very convincing lookalike. Except there's, of course, a huge difference in price. How much is it here? Oh, I don't know. It's probably about £2 for 20. Yeah.

Whereas, and this is the answer really, in America for the last 50 years, the plastic red cups of which you speak, which fit roughly a bottle of beer in, they retail for like a dollar for a hundred. Yeah, that's America. They became undergraduate favourites because they're cheap. Yeah, but why are they always red?

I have seen blue ones in real life, but I've not seen any other colours on the spectrum. You could ask the same question, you know, why are washing up gloves often yellow latex? I mean, there actually comes a point where a colour becomes the thing people just associate with it. You know, why is toilet soap often green? It doesn't have to be.

Do you think the mythologising has also contributed to the red cups being the ascendant cups? Yes, I think. When people started making films like Porky's, mythologising has also contributed to the red cups being the ascendant cups yes i think when people started making films like porky's like american pie dazed and confused which glamorized the keg party think about it if you're making a big hollywood film no alcohol company is going to want the characters in that film who are underage and getting drunk and clearly showing the signs of getting drunk having furtive sexual experiences to be drinking rolling rock or budweiser very clearly that's not good promotion for them in fact they have their own self-regulatory framework saying they cannot be

seen to be advertising to under 21s so i think that's why films started including the red cups okay rather than you're not looking at a brand yeah so not cheap tins because beer in bottles is relatively sophisticated than a kegger, but then cheap beer in tins is probably cheaper than a keg. But if you're looking at a picture of a film star holding a red cup, you can't see what beer they're drinking, you just know that it's beer. So I think that then contributed to them becoming a bit more iconic than they were in the first place.

And if it's the red ones they have in porkies, it's the red ones you're going to want at your frat party, isn't it? I wonder why they started being red in the first place though rather than just say white. Just because. Maybe it's a 4th of July thing where everything was the colours of the American flag.

Possibly, but then as you say, why not blue? Why not white? Here's another question of American culture from Simon from York who says, Skylar from Breaking Bad has one. Marge Simpson has one. Shit husband.

The Griswolds from the National Lampoon Vacation movies had one. I talk, of course, about... Sex tapes. Cars with wood panelling. Yay! Particularly station wagons. So, Helen, answer me this. How and why did wood panelled cars come to be?

Is there any practical benefit to the wood, or is it just design and aesthetics? Why did they really not take in the UK? Why have they become a cliché for family life so many questions oh it's the great advantage of having wood around a petroleum engine oh yes there's an accident you're guaranteed to be incinerated that is one reason why you don't see so many wooden cars anymore they were prone to fire and dry rot and termites and also they could only really deal with very moderate climates like apparently they were popular in southern california because in a rainy climate the wood's gonna swell

and then contract and then split and they'll be ruined but why did they come to be in the first place ellen ollie the early vehicles were wood because metal was so expensive then yes and then as metal came down in price that was obviously a lot cheaper to shape and it was stronger as well than wood. So then wood became more decorative and then a kind of luxury because you would have it on a more expensive car that had been handcrafted.

And then in the mid 20th century, there was a bit of a vogue for fake wood because people liked the warm look and it was a bit retro and nostalgic. But that's like a vinyl decal on the car, or it was painted on. The wood-panelled station wagons were really popular family cars in the 70s and early 80s,

because they tended to be quite massive. And then, again, that was reflected in TV. You can imagine the Wonder Years family driving around in one. And then it becomes self-perpetuating, doesn't it? It's like the Red Cups. They existed, so they were documented, but by being documented in a massive american tv series it then becomes aspirational well i'm not sure that the wooden cars have become aspirational because

they're not cool like say when you sometimes see a 60s morris minor around in britain where it's got the wood frames on the windows and little wood strips down the sides it doesn't look very cool to have a mumsy station wagon does it so i'm not sure they've come back even ironically i think it would be cool i'd really like a wooden station well you can probably get one why don't you put some wood sticky back plastic on your mini i think you can imagine that yourself and know the answer but a proper station wagon like they have a national lampoon yeah that consumes an unbelievable amount of fuel yeah i'm sure it does but it's like in et they have those kind of 1950s style stained glass chandeliers you know which are to indicate that this is basically

you know a normal working class family yeah don't redecorate too often yeah expensive and yet because it's in et it's cool like i'd like one even that doesn't even suit my house you know i'd pay a lot for it it's weird isn't it i think it's just that things are quite niche and then things become cool and then things become mainstream and then they start being so ubiquitous that you cease to appreciate them and then they become quite naff and then they become nichely appreciated again and the cycle continues.

Where are we in that cycle, I wonder? We are the wooden car of podcasting. Now it's time for the intermission, brought to you by Answer Me This, episode 133. Available now at answermethisstore.com. Hello, it's Tim from Watford. Hello, Nolly. Answer Me This. Why is it in Hamlet that the bad guy poisons Hamlet's father

by pouring poison into his ear? As symbols go, it's a bit less obvious than Shakespeare having had him stabbed in the back, isn't it? That would be a bit too clear-cut. Or kicked up the arse. Or killed by a falling bed which had his wife copulating with another man on it. You will have to take me at my word, listeners,

when I say I love nothing more than to hear the sound of your voices when you're asking us a question. Well, that's going to be awkward for your girlfriend and your family. As I say, at my word. You can leave a question in your own voice on our phone line, the number for which is... 0208 123 58 007 Or you can Skype answer me this.

Just make Ollie love something, though. Get in touch, like this person has done. Oh, and this is Jonas from Habiboo. Answer me this. How can I tell my parents that they should not just cold call me, also do, on Skype, expecting to video chat with me when they don't know whether I'm available for that at the moment because I don't just want to not be on Skype but I also don't want them to

just randomly call me out of the blue and then suddenly I have to talk to them and just a minute ago they called me and they actually had guests over and then I was stuck talking to these people whom I didn't know, whom I didn't particularly want to know, even though I don't live with my parents anymore, which was really, really awkward, especially once my father started going on about how many mistakes I had in my bachelor's thesis, how many spelling mistakes and how embarrassing that was for him. There's a whole bucket of worms, isn't there? So your parents Skype you to criticise your undergraduate work? I think this is...

They've got issues. This is a very Bridget Jones-type scenario, it seems to me. I think when the horrible day comes that Bridget Jones 3 is released in cinemas, it will include a scene in which Bridget has accidentally left Skype on, and then her parents call while she's sitting there in her pants waiting for the gentleman to come back from the bathroom.

Yeah, or she's trying to put on her big pants again and she's getting an important call from work. Yes. Wah-wah. A lot of people, even young people, even people who are quite switched on technologically, quite savvy, don't seem to realise the always-on feature of these products is all pervasive yeah and that can catch

you out it caught my mom out i mean she's not very technologically savvy she didn't get caught putting on her giant bridget jones pants did she she didn't she uh she she developed an interest in skype for keeping in touch with people who she's friends with in the caribbean um and then good reason to be on skype yes indeed and then one day she had a call from an international friend um and it rang and she sort of i guess impulsively kind of pressed accept like obviously didn't mean to just kind of you know i think especially people of a certain generation if something happens on a screen they feel they have to respond to it yeah exactly what do i do press return it'll go away everything yeah pressed accept yes and then obviously it started connecting up her friend who was calling her video call video call uh now my mom at that point didn't

want to have the call because she was uh not dressed appropriately um so she uh she said she saw what the other person saw because you see yourself don't you on the screen and the other person saw her say shit and then dive under the desk and hide the other person on the other end was going karen karen are you there karen poor your mum i feel that jonas could be controlling this issue more from his end because on skype you can make yourself invisible or uncontactable is it like facebook can you say there are some people i want to be visible to some people i don't well the skype interface leaves a lot to be desired i think so i believe you can sort your contacts into lists and then i suspect you can make yourself visible only to certain of

those lists but because the interface is so bad i haven't been able to investigate fully for you jonas but i do believe that that ought to be possible but if not then just make yourself invisible and if there was someone in particular you were hoping would call you, then I think they probably still can. But your parents just don't answer. What's wrong with just not answering? What will happen? What's the worst that can happen then? But I guess when it's your parents, you think,

oh, is this something important? I think he knows. I think he knows if it's important, then he'll hear about it later. I think there is a way of saying, look, when you're with guests, do you mind not calling me so that I don't have to speak to people I don't know, especially on video call? I mean, that's it. If they're having a dinner party and you're there sitting at home in your underwear yeah how about each time you speak to them you then decide a time and date

for your next skype call so if you say okay well how about 8 p.m a week sunday that would work all right wouldn't it that's not too untactful but i don't think you can really come out and say to them don't call me at certain times because then inevitably they'll want to know because they sound like quite picky parents. They will want to know, won't they? And also will probably want to defy your orders. There are very, very few contexts in which

constant availability to anyone is a necessity. I think you need to create an expectation with your parents. Jonas could start training his parents if he doesn't want to actually make it obvious that he is just by answering first one in every two calls and then one in three and then maybe they'll start calling less often this is like dog training you're discussing it's expectation management for instance ollie i don't want to hurt you but sometimes you'll send me quite a lot of emails which seem to be you trying to work out things but because you're emailing me it's on my time

so i'll only answer one the one that seems most pressing now you know now you know the technique oh my god uh i'm trying to think if i'm aware of that or if that bothers me i mean i send you i'm trying to think of an example i've never noticed that no i'll send you maybe five emails about in my head i like to keep each email to a different subject if there's an email about meeting you on Wednesday I'll send you one about that then I'll send you one about I'd prefer a digest yes yes well you see yeah but you see what you do in response

what Helen does in response which is annoying I'll only answer one of your questions you'll only know you'll often answer all five questions in response to one of the questions exactly I'll give you you say exactly

the problem is in the future three weeks later when I think what was that thing Helen said there's no way for me to search for it because they're all on one email that's titled something completely different yeah well then that's why you need to send me a digest and then they'll all be collected in the right place and then how so what you're suggesting is that what i need to do is as i think of a question that i want to ask you or something i want to discuss with you i need to compose an email to you and then save it as a draft until i've got five things

to ask you yeah that's ridiculous no it't, because you know that within about two hours you'll have remembered the other four things. Another thing to do is limit the number of emails you send to say one day. And even if that only has three things in there, I'm sure Helen wouldn't mind. It's probably the volume of email rather than the dispersion that she objects to. And also, it makes me think that all of those things are

a fifth as important as one thing would be, you see. No, I don't think I do actually well experiment with the digest and see if you get better results from me right yeah but i hadn't noticed that you don't respond oh well that's kind of good isn't it because otherwise you might take it as i think what i'm saying is i'm happy with the status quo i mean i'm happy sending you five emails if you're not happy responding them i hadn't noticed you weren't happy i'm not happy with receiving i get the response that you get i'm going to block you until you learn how to confine your thoughts to a single

email but anyway that's proof that just uh non-answering is quite a good technique because it's not that offensive whereas if i'd said stop emailing me so much you dickhead then you would be offended like jonas's parents would be i'm trying to build a website to bring tourists to Radlet But when I open it up on my smartphone or tablet Something goes wrong and it just looks a bit shit Unlike Hertfordshire itself Well try building that website using Squarespace On desktop and devices it will look simply ace As well designed as Hertfordshire with all that lovely green space county of

opportunity and stevenage thanks very much squarespace for bankrolling this episode of answer me this and listeners if you want to start your own squarespace site using their very easy drag and drop templates and their 24 7 customer service based in in New York and Dublin, then you can get 10% off all of that for a year by using the code ANSWER. Well, here's a question from Lizzie from London who says, Helen, answer me this, how does Pebble Dash arrive on the side of a house? Magic.

I've never thought of it arriving at all. I've thought of it being applied. Or just always being there, because otherwise why would it be there? Yeah. I know we've covered before why would it be there, but seriously still, I don't understand. Why is it there?

Cover up the cracks in the masonry a different way. Yeah, exactly. Lizzie says, my boyfriend suggested builders use a hose or gun. This seems extremely dangerous and would surely result in pebble showers on neighbouring grannies. Or imagine the revenge you could take on someone pebble dashing them with a gun. Oh, that's brilliant. That seems like the kind of thing that would happen in a Ray Winston film on neighbouring grannies. Or imagine the revenge you could take on someone pebble dashing them. Oof. With a gun. Ow, ow, ow. That's brilliant.

That seems like the kind of thing that would happen in like a Ray Winston film that was only available on VHS. Or like a 70s Midlands version of Scooby-Doo where the kids spray a foe with pebble dash and then they have to crack it open so that law enforcement can take them away. I'd definitely put the undercoat onto the house

and then spray it on. Okay, what I always imagined happened... Wildest dreams....is that it's, what i always imagined happened in your wildest dreams is that it's i presumed mixed in with the concrete first rather like salted peanuts might be added to a chocolate fridge cake well before it sets that is rough casting where you mix the render with the pebbly lumps and then put it on yeah with a trowel and that's what happens whereas pebble dashing you put like the layer of render on yeah and then you throw a trowel full of pebbles at the render. Throw?

From a short distance. Yeah, it does seem like a very inefficient system. A human being throws it. Yeah, but I think the reason why this happens rather than the hose is because you can only do a small area of pebble dash at a time because otherwise it would all just start dripping down the wall and then you'd have this big pebbly blob at the bottom of the wall and nothing on the walls.

So I think they have to do a small area,ing the pebbles on press them in with a piece of wood usually and then let it dry and then do the next bit wow demystifying that explanation i know and so much more complicated and time consuming it's a lot of effort for that effect well we have another question of homes on the phone line hi it's james helen and ali answer me this i was listening to one of your older podcasts and Helen, you mentioned that you and Martin were on one of my favourite TV shows of all time, 60 Minute Makeover.

First, I'd just like to clarify, while Martin was on 60 Minute Makeover as a decorator on one episode, I was actually on the production team for series two of 60 Minute Makeover nearly 10 years ago. Yes, quite old. The way they produce 60 Minute Makeover nearly 10 years ago. Yes, quite old. Yeah, it's old.

The way they produce 60 Minute Makeover now might be entirely different. Yes, absolutely might. But he's mentioned Claire Sweeney, who only presented the first few series. So maybe he's all into retro 60 Minute Makeover rather than modern. Because the current presenter is Peter Andre. Well, I think that's about his level. He can hug people. He can admire their new kitchen.

I guess. It's such a weird career he's had, isn't it? It's more than he deserves though, really, isn't it? Mysterious Girl, Ironic Career Renaissance, Children with Jordan. Yeah, a lot of fame at that time. Reality TV show with Jordan.

Then Divorce. Then like three or four fake relationships with other people who are in the public eye and still a reality show implausibly. Who is still interested in the life of Peter Andre? And yet he's still in his 30s, I think. Is he? Extraordinary. Very young looking. Amazing. I want to know, what happens

in 60 Minute Makeover when people don't like their homes? Sometimes they do some horrendous things to other people's property. It's more like when they do the secret ones. If someone comes home and it's terrible, do they have to pay to have it fixed or does the production fix it for them?

And also, what's Claire Sweeney like? Because I think she's amazing. I think she's like a drag queen, but actually a woman. I did meet Claire Sweeney very briefly, James. She has a firm handshake and she has extremely projectile boobs because she was wearing a thick jumper and they were still like nuclear warheads. So I don't know whether she had had

either a very firm bra on or she had had some enhancement in that area. I also peered into her handbag, which is an expensive handbag, but pink, so it looked very cheap. And there was half a packet of crumpets in there. That's all my Sweeney info, I'm afraid. Were they cooked?

No, they were raw. Now, is there any reason, because when Nigella was in court, there was all this business about her info I'm afraid Were they cooked? No they were raw Now is there any reason Because when Nigella was in court There was all this business about her having Was it Tabasco? Was it in her handbag? That apparently warns off drug dogs From the smell of cocaine

That was an allegation Discussed in the tabloids What a closed bottle of Tabasco? I don't know how it works That sounds like bullshit Well no I think Well it was quite A lot of people said this was

The reason why you'd be carrying it around. Well, I reckon it was because Sweeney was also a spokesperson for Weight Watchers, and that's a Weight Watchers-approved snack, a crumpet. Just walking around with crumpets? Well, you know, she was doing a long day of shooting at someone's home, and therefore she might have needed a little pick-me-up. A snack on a raw crumpet. The production, given that it was bringing a load of homewares into a house,

I'm sure could supply a toaster for Sweeney. It was probably in her rider. All right. Well, no, I mean mean it's a little insight isn't it into her definitely what was his actual question um yeah people hating their houses right okay it was sorry it was mustard that nigella lawson carried around her handbag i just googled it right yeah not tabasco jar of mustard or mustard powder mustard i don't know but anyway it was mustard that apparently the drug dogs interesting never mind carry on i think the contracts were written in such a way that people who undergo this process understand that if they don't like it, they can lump it.

And what they do have is a load of paintwork they can pay someone to do properly and at least 15 grand's worth of stuff that they can sell, like new TVs, new sofas, et cetera. That's true. So if you're sobbing through pain, you're also thinking, but I got 15 grand. 15 grand right as of series two there was one flat where they had to go and undo a load of stuff because this guy had a beautiful flat in a converted victorian school in quite a posh

part of london he had a double height living room oh i know the type, yeah. Yeah, they put a climbing wall in there. And they sprayed it in purple and pink camouflage. Why? And so I had to go and buy the exact same white paint he had, which was over a hundred quid a tin. And someone had to repaint it properly. But leaving it as a climbing wall. I think they also dismantled the climbing wall. Why would you want a climbing wall?

Well, exactly. A natural human being wouldn't, and he didn't. they also dismantled the climbing wall why would you want a climbing wall well exactly a natural human being wouldn't and he didn't but tv they're like hey let's put a climbing wall in here that's so weird yeah it's like getting rid of your staircase you're putting a water slide there imagine sitting like hanging upside down on a climbing wall watching telly yeah in the evening and well exactly and also they converted the living room into a climbing room but also one of the other rooms into like a fake moroccan souk so it was all hangings and all the furniture was very low and made out of goat leather that's a clash of styles it was a clash of styles and i don't think he enjoyed it no i just felt like it

wasn't the same personality they were catering for and neither of those personalities were those of the guy who owned the flat yeah so yeah they had to redo that but i think generally they legally tried to avoid getting to that pickle as you are i, I'm sure, unsurprised to learn. You could be series producer of 60 Minute Makeover by now if you'd stuck it out, Helen. If I'd stayed, I believe... You and Peter Andre could be on speed dial. I believe a girl who was a junior researcher on my first day, we had to spend five hours together in Ikea.

I think she might be head of 60 Minute Makeover now, pretty much. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Look what could have been yours. I've ruined my life. And look what could have been yours, listeners, if only you'd sent us a question.

We could have been answering it on this week's show. We could have. But you didn't, so we didn't. But maybe it could be yours next episode. So do email, phone or Skype in your questions and all of our contact details are handily available on our website. AnswerMeThisPodcast.com. And whilst you're there, click the link in the right-hand bar that says Radio.

Radio. And on the radio page, you'll see all our radio stuff, like Helen is on Five Live every Saturday. I am on LBC every weekday morning from 1. But also, our Radio 4 documentary, Podcasting, The First Ten Years. Not available as a podcast, as a few million of you have asked. Yes, which is ironic. And yes, we get that that's ironic.

But it is the good news. Available on iPlayer to stream forever. Yes, I think they listened to your pestering and felt that that was a reasonable compromise to make. So you have in perpetuity to get round to listening to our two-part, hour-long documentary. Roman Mars is in it. Richard Herring is in it.

The Bugle are in it. Mark Moran is in it. Night Vale. But don't wait until perpetuity. Listen to it sooner than that. Yes. I'm a bit disappointed you didn't interview me about one of my excellent podcasts. It's like the same as the ladies or brain train. Yeah, I'm sure all the Radio 4 listeners felt the same. In fact, because we did a lot of

really interesting interviews with a lot of great podcasters, we will also sneakily make those interviews available now. I feel enough time has passed. So if you're interested to hear more maron more nightville etc then uh keep an eye on our well we'll put it on twitter and facebook links for which are also on our website yes so that's how to keep in touch with that indeed and all that remains is to thank squarespace again for their support of this episode jolly decent of you thank you thank you and we will see you for episode 290. Bye!