Answer Me This! - AMT291: Bank Robbery, The Pope on Holiday, and Craig David's Toffee Crisps

Episode Date: June 5, 2014

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What must I pay FIFA to stage the World Cup on my lawn? Answer me this, answer me this Why don't the England team stay home and just watch porn? Answer me this, answer me this Helen and Ollie, answer me this Welcome aboard to all the new listeners who've been lured to this podcast by the endorsement of Roman Mars at the end of a recent episode of 99 invisible lots of you have been getting in touch saying i'm new to your show i'm new to your show i've just discovered because i heard it on 99 invisible uh so thanks for that roman mars and sorry if

you're expecting something as classy as 99 invisible not even close things get a little bit more downtown here we're the strip mall that's been erected next to 99 invisible westfield center here's a question from Sean from Bristol who says, I recently began a new job at a discount retailer that rhymes with sound land. What could that be? It must be hound land, the pet suppliers. Ground land? The garden shop.

Yeah. And as part of my job, I have to ask customers whether they would be willing to buy a pack of chocolate bars or whatever we have at the front of the till thing is every time i ask them whether they would want anything they say no thank you and move on because they don't want it do they this is the wh smith problem no one wants molten milker bars exactly sean continues the problem is uh we at the retailer that rhymes with soundland have to sell a certain amount of these products and failure to do so is a failure on our part why blame you, not the product? Why doesn't the product put a bit more effort into being tempting? So Helen,

answer me this. How can I get customers to buy these shitty little chocolates? I think a good option, Sean, is to make it seem like an incredible bargain. Don't just say, oh, it's a pound. You have to emphasise the fact that it's only a pound, whereas normally it'd be three pounds. It might not be something they came in for, but they'd be a fool to miss this incredible knockdown price maybe say that the offer is only available for a very short time well the other thing that i was thinking that works on me i was thinking about this when i'm in market stalls is offer a free taster spend one pound of your own money chop it into bits put it on a little silver tray yeah they're gonna taste they think delicious delicious chocolate and you say yeah and then you use what you say yeah and it's only a pound

right now or ask your co-workers what their technique is. How does one make someone buy something that they haven't come in to buy and they don't want? Well, tipping, I think, is a bit like this. You don't have to tip a bartender, for example, in this country. Definitely not. But some bartenders get tips. Now, how do they do it? Those are the people you need to listen to.

They're very sexy. Well, I've got a friend who's got friends who are bartenders and he told me that what they do very often and i'm not sure how this would work frankly in boundland but what they do uh is when they say that'll be 10.99 please they deliberately say it slightly under their breath apparently there's loud music obviously all around so then the customer has to lean in and say what was that and they have to lean into their ear go it was 10.99 and, just that slight frisson of contact, physical contact, coupled with eye contact and perhaps passing physical contact,

like lightly brushing their hand as you reach in with a bill, apparently increases the chance of getting a tip. In a bar, maybe. I don't think in Poundland, who wants the cashier to be leaning in and touching them? Just a hunch. Well, Sean might be a very good... In fact, Sean, if he's a listener a well sean might be a very in fact sean if

he's a listen to us obviously he's a very good looking young man helen well i think maybe if he is he could just give him the puppy eyes like please i need to sell these all my manager will toast me hey helen and that, and, um, I happened to be walking on the street during this time and Ollie said the word squirrel, but he said it like squirrel. And I literally just fucking dropped my phone because i was laughing so goddamn hard um so helen and ollie answer me this is there anything that uh you know americans pronounce particularly ridiculously that makes you laugh no offense intended i intended. I love y'all, but you say squirrel real weird. There's plenty on the list of things that Americans say in a funny way.

Aluminum is right up there. They get rid of syllables a lot, as in squirrel. Airplane. Mirror. Caramel is now Carmel. That annoys me. Route. Why do they say route?

Why do they say niche? Niche sounds really funny. That's really annoying as well, yeah. Niche sounds filthy.. That's really annoying as well, yeah. Niche sounds filthy. Hello, Helen and Ollie. It's James, aged 34 and a half from Brighton. About 10 years ago, there was a song by Craig David called What's Your Flavour? And in this song, I remember him saying something to the tune of

you taste like a toffee crisp and at the time I thought can this possibly be product placement in a song because if so it sounds fucking stupid and now I've completely forgot about it until recently, and there's now a song in the charts by a band called Five Seconds of Summer in which they say, you look lovely in your American apparel underwear. And that must be a blatant example of product placement in a song.

Therefore, Helen and Ollie answered me this. Is there product placement in songs how pervasive is it and what's the most blatant example that you know of so is it not possible that Craig David just likes toffee crisps I think I think that is the case yeah as it is at the moment um American Apparel have made no statement about whether they're in the Twinkses. About the Five Seconds of Summer song. So I suspect that they are actually genuinely just referring to American Apparel underwear because they are perceived to be a sexy brand in their target market, which is tween girls. But they probably will get some free pants from American Apparel, those Twinks, won't they?

And this is it. And so this is the thing. I think there's three categories of name-checking promotional brands in your songs. Optimism for freebs. Well, so there's mentioning it in your lyrics because you like the product, as you're suggesting Craig David did. With no intention of getting a freebie, I bet Craig David could afford toffee crisps himself at that stage.

Even Craig David could afford toffee crisps. And maybe the woman just genuinely tasted so much like a toffee crisp that the analogy had to be made. That would be remarkable, wouldn't it? If you met anyone who tasted exactly like a toffee crisp, you wouldn't think ooh, who could I name check instead that might give me money? Green and Blacks, they've got a lot of money at the moment.

No, you'd think toffee crisp, that's what she accurately, statistically. There has to be a mortalised something that unusual. Exactly. Or there's the option which I think most of these fall into which is people when they write the song don't think I'm going to make a lot of money out of this but then they realize when the song

becomes a hit this is quite a good idea because they might be able to capitalize upon it and get a free nando's card or whatever it is yeah like in the abba song for nando so for example uh the songs that i think are the most famous ones that were done genuinely because it fitted the lyrics and there was no commercial intent are probably little deuce coupe by the beach boys little red corvette by prince right okay yeah and i think probably the most recent example shake it shake it like a polaroid picture that's not that's a 10 year old song there must be more recent examples it's the most recent high profile example that i can think of of someone where someone did it genuinely because lyrically it was what they wanted to do and by then they were pretty much going under anyway they were were basically bankrupt. And in any case, brand wise, you shouldn't shake a Polaroid.

No, you shouldn't. It doesn't help it. Blurry. Yeah. They're advised against it. They wouldn't put money behind that. Then there's the middle category, which is the people who do it. And then there's a happy byproduct.

And it seems five seconds of summer fall into this category, where they know they're name checking a cool brand in a cool pop song for kids. They're probably going to get some free American apparel pants out of it. They haven't said, you look so sexy standing there in your C&A underwear, because there's not really a company to give them the money

if they want to cash in on that. Well, that's because C&A has sort of disappeared except from Central Europe. But if they said, in your Littlewoods catalogue underwear, then they could. I guess, but then you're not ticking both boxes, are you? You're not cool with the teens.

You're just fragrantly looking for promotion. That's the wrong demographic, isn't it, Lippelwoods? Exactly. M&S? I think the most high street they'd go is Topshop, which is conceivable, isn't it? It doesn't scan. It doesn't.

American Apparel doesn't really scan that well in that sense. They have forced in the syllables. Yeah, they have. In a way, I admire that. Anyway, so that's the middle category of things where they sort of accidentally stumbled into something that they can commercialise. And I think the most notable example of that recently

is Past the Covasier by Busta Rhymes. Originally, Past the Covasier, he wrote because he likes Covasier. There was no intention to try and monetise that. But? But. It was a massive hit. Sales of Covasier went up by like 20%. Did they? As a result.

I suppose a different demographic getting into brandy essentially unknown brand amongst that demographic exactly unknown brandy the only person I know who drinks Kvazie is Martin's grandmother and then Busta Rhymes took money from their parent company to do Pass the Kvazie 2 and then there's the third category which is as James suggests in his question

it's all worked out in advance the money is there from the corporate right from the beginning you're only putting the lyric in the song because you're getting money and the biggest terrorist of this as with all music is pitbull so when he did timber he was actually getting money from a timber company i wouldn't be surprised sponsored by travis perkins um so he's done uh sexy people the fiat song fiat song yes it doesn't actually in fairness that doesn't have fiat in the lyrics but it is called the fiat song and that's all about the video having dancing fiat cars in it uh then he's done give me everything which is the one that's tonight give me everything

no i'm acquainted with it and in that one he says oh it's really noticeable he says um picture that with a kodak or better yet go to times square and take that with the Kodak. It's like, well, who even uses Kodak anymore? No one. Kodak twice. Yeah, yeah, in the first three lines of the song. I don't know if they even make cameras anymore. Well, they did shortly go to the wall after that song coming out. Pitbull killed them.

Savaged by Pitbull. He also has a song called Vida 23, which is included on his Spanish language album Armando. And the first line of that song is, let's enjoy the flavour of life, which is Dr on his Spanish language album Armando. And the first line of that song is, let's enjoy the flavour of life, which is Dr Pepper's slogan. Maybe he really likes Dr Pepper and his slogans. Maybe. Is it in Spanish, that song?

So he's translated the slogan into Spanish. Yeah, but he said the slogan as it is in Spain. Anyone listening knows it's a thing for Dr Pepper. It's not like Pitbull is in this for the art. I think that's fair to say. Otherwise he wouldn't do so many songs with Jennifer Lopez involved. Yeah, I think that's right. And in a way, I applaud the fact that he's so open about that.

Yeah. I mean, he's not pretending there's any musical benefit to what he does, is there? I'm reluctant to admit this, but hatred has sort of turned to love for Pitbull. No. Not because I like the music, but I do kind of like the fact where he's just like, if someone's giving me money to do this shit, why would I turn it down? Look at me, I'm playing with a shark and a foxy lady in my video at the same time.

Yeah, there is an element of that, yeah. I'm just some idiot with a white suit. I'm an essentially unattractive man with little talent, but look at me, I'm a millionaire. That is kind of fun, isn't it? I'm almost amazed. Yeah, it's like Lloyd Grossman past the sources, but for rap.

I've got a question. Email your question to answer me this podcast at googlemail.com to answer me to this podcast at googlemail.com to answer me this podcast at googlemail.com. To answer me, this podcast at googlemail.com. So, retrospectives, what historical events are we ticking off on this week's run

of Today in History? On Monday, we bring you the real story of the mutiny on the bounty. On Tuesday, the anniversary of the day somebody invented the meatball, but who?

On Wednesday, the iconic British car that ripped off an iconic American car. On Thursday, how American airlines invented air miles. And on Friday, the UFO sighting that gripped colonial America. We discuss this and more on Today in History with The Retrospectors. Ten minutes each weekday, wherever you get your podcasts.

Time for a question from Becky from Southampton, who says, I heard the lovely new Pope, France the the lovely, look at his lovely hair. Oh, he's so dishy, isn't he? Oh, check out his pins. The lovely new Pope, Pope Francis, decided not to take a holiday last year. I had no idea Popes had holidays in the first place. They're so busy doing Pope stuff. I suppose they go on a lot of foreign visits,

which to outsiders may seem like holidays. I think that is the underlying issue of this question Helen Helen answer me this where do popes normally go on holiday? Southampton yeah how have you missed him every time Becky? He loves it there he's always down the pub

he's playing on the penny arcade isn't he? what does a pope do on holiday? I imagine he gets wazzed gambles the truth is he's still the Pope. There's got to be some time for prayer and reflection there,

hasn't there, really? You know the Inbetweeners movie? That's like four Popes. That, yeah. Do Popes usually go on trips abroad with their Vatican friends? Lads! Again, I think hard to define

the distinction there between friends and colleagues, particularly when you work for the Pope. And do they hope for a tan? The papal garments, even the holiday version, I'd imagine they're quite capacious. I always imagined that although the Pope does a lot of international travel, that can reasonably be counted as a work day.

You know, that's like the Queen's official engagements versus the time she spends in Balmoral where she's locked up having a laugh. Locked up? Well, effectively. Isn't she out with the Balmoral where she's locked up having a laugh. Yeah, locked up. Well, effectively. Isn't she out with the animals? Confined to the grounds and having a laugh. Now, I imagine that the Pope, in a similar way, must have days in his schedule,

both in the Vatican and when he's internationally travelling, which are chillax Pope days. To go on the water slides. Yeah, and whatever he does, whatever he does, whatever he does, I think it must be undocumented and therefore quite hard to actually find out what he does. But whatever he does yeah whatever he does i think it must be undocumented and therefore quite hard to actually find out what he does but it's not a professional

engagement but if you look through his diary you'd say these days he was on holiday but they they sort of arrange it so he has a few days off that's my guess well yeah because also popes tend to be quite old and you don't want to work them too hard exactly yeah like the queen okay yeah but you do also think how much papacy is there to do on the average day i think it's probably fair to guess that uh you know if denise robertson's mailbag on this morning is full of 5 000 letters do also think how much papacy is there to do on the average day i think it's probably fair to guess that uh you know if denise robertson's mailbag on this morning is full of 5 000 letters a week i reckon the pope probably has quite a few letters to look through so even on days where he doesn't appear to have an engagement probably quite a lot of people would quite like one of his prayers yeah

he does he does quite a lot on twitter as well doesn't he does he think well a bit i know he's well into one direction those hashtags they're all being generated by him. Pray for Niall. He does all of the hashtags that start with pray for someone. Pray for Bieber. Yeah. Because he's big into prayer. Well, the Pope's official holiday home, Becky, is only 15 miles from Rome.

Yeah. So you think... Not a surprise, really. Not a big holiday. But on the other hand, 15 miles in the old olden days because this has been in use by popes since uh pope urban the eighth who uh was pope 1623 to 1644 so 15 miles back in those days that would have been a pretty hefty journey it's in a place called uh castel gandolfo just a little village with a papal palace and massive garden in it and nice views but it's like the vatican extraterr extra territorial which means that

they can get away with whatever they want on there so in that way i suppose a bit like checkers or camp david it's another thing that's owned by the institution that isn't like them just going to a normal place yeah but i think normal laws would still apply in checkers whereas they're all under kind of vatican law do you know i'd weirdly rather have an invitation to checkers than to number 10 yes because there's something special yeah something special about being invited into a prime minister's holiday home whereas number 10 it's just like it's a bit like buckingham palace or the houses of parliament it's just another official building there are a lot of boardroom type rooms in those places aren't there yeah whereas checkers is actually a home and it's

a home where like churchill planned the war that's quite cool isn't it you want to see the real life yeah would you want a holiday home because to me? You want to see the real life. Yeah. Would you want a holiday home? Because to me... I thought you were saying would you want to go on holiday with the Pope? Yes. Just once. Would you?

To Centre Parcs maybe. For like four days. I actually... I mean, don't get me wrong. If the Pope was getting like a guided tour around LBC, I'd like to be there so I saw him. But I wouldn't like particularly to meet the Pope. That's not one of my ambitions.

No, but I... You know... Nor the Dalai Lama, actually. I just... I just... You offered me it. They're paying, right? Right, yeah.

So I said yes. Yeah. It's not that I have an ambition to go on holiday with the Pope for more than other people. I know what you mean, yeah. Because sometimes holidays with friends can be difficult.

I have a real problem, though, with famous people I don't know very much about. And I feel massively awkward because I, I mean... Swat up before you go on holiday with the Pope. I could swat up,

but there's just so much... I don't know anything about Catholicism or this person's life. Talk about Argentina. I bet that'll be like. I don't know anything about Catholicism or this person's life. Talk about Argentina. I bet that'd be quite... I don't know anything about Argentina either. Oh, they've got lovely beef there.

He'd just tell you all about it, wouldn't he? Yeah, exactly. You could use it as a learning experience. He doesn't know anything about producing sound for podcasts, I bet. Yeah, he doesn't know

what it was like to grow up in Telford. He's probably not that interested in either of those things. You could tell him all about your career at Tiggy Stainless Fasteners. It would be quite good to meet the Pope and the first question to be

what's the best steak you've had? Yeah? He'd be like, well it was at the Garfunkels on Leicester Square. Oh, just like at home. I knew that God existed that day. Where does Barack Obama go on holiday? Well they all have Camp David

but then they get to have their own holiday homes on top. Barack Obama does August in Martha's Vineyard Of course At a farm that has a compound of 30 acres With a guest house, boathouse, house barn and pasture land Golf, green and pool Do you think he does a lot with the pastures himself? He doesn't strike me as a pasture kind of guy

I could imagine him walking around and reflecting though I can't even really imagine him playing golf Oh I can totally imagine him playing golf I think in a way You can decide whether or not someone's going to make it to be president of the USA By whether you can imagine them playing golf oh i can totally imagine him playing golf i think in a way you can decide whether or not someone's going to make it to be president of the usa by whether you can imagine them playing golf see i think it bodes well for hillary because i can't imagine her playing definitely yeah but it's not so much sort of where presidents go as how long they spend there that's

interesting if you look at how many days they choose to spend out of office uh take reagan as a recent example uh 436 days away from the White House during his two terms as president. Away from the White House? Away from the White House. But that includes on business? No. No? No.

So it doesn't include conferences and international visits. Eight years. So eight years, 400 days. That's 50 days a year. That's a lot. For America as well, they get two weeks holiday. Right, well, Reagan took the least. What?

Then Clinton took 689 vacation days in eight years. I bet he bloody did. That's two years of vacation days in eight years i bet he bloody did that's two years of vacation nearly in eight years of job george w bush though uh 490 days in crawford which is one of his family ranches 487 days at camp david 43 days at his father's house cheeky although considering the damage he did on the other days probably for the best but then isn't it weird that they don't as president of the usa you can take off as many days as you want because you're not needed in parliament every day like our prime minister but imagine it is a terribly stressful job and you do need to put this in context like people make a fuss about the camerons going away

camerons went away four times last year and there's been a lot of stories you know so out of touch with the common man fourth holiday in a year so he's the fucking prime minister give him a break like he's in total taking less than a month away um and it was two european holidays which were quite inexpensive like both times i think the room per night was under 200 euros he goes to places like tuscany doesn't he yeah so he went cheap flight and they keep it yeah but that's embarrassing they keep flight they when they went to lanzarote this year they flew ryanair and it's like come on yeah. He's the prime minister. Sometimes Ryanair is the only direct option. You know he's doing it for the press and it's kind of embarrassing.

They've got three kids, though. Maybe they don't want the kids to grow up in an abnormal environment. But then they're going on holiday with a security detail. It's like when everyone had a go about Bob Crow going away when the tube strike was happening. And there were shots of him, like, you know, in the ocean sunning himself. Yeah, but he probably booked his holiday before the tube strikes were decided well he's dead now are you happy that he didn't you know that he had his holiday let him have his holiday he might if he was gonna die anyway he might as well have stayed let him have his holiday i always think that i think it's

really unfair they'll work better when they get back i think well but isn't that true and actually i think the electorate respond to that i think the electorate know everyone aspires to take a month's worth of holiday year most people don't but they would like to i'd like to think if i was prime minister i'd take four weeks off a year i like it when they compare the party leaders on their holidays and they're like look at cameron somber and big baggy trunks look how much better ed milliband is dressed on holiday with his sandals that's a really bad precedent doesn't it like if we're saying that we want people to work reasonable hours and have breaks and stuff like that if we then look to our leaders and go well you're not allowed to yeah and you get some great stories like cameron being

stung by jellyfish this year did he yeah that could happen in north wales it could but you probably wouldn't go swimming in north wales would you that's roughly more likely if he's trying to prove what a man of the people he is particularly to the welsh they'll be like go on in then we'll all go in after you dave yeah well since we're talking about uh holidays this seems an apt moment to remind you listeners that uh you can buy an album, which is one hour of us talking all about holidays and international destinations. It's called Answer Me This Holiday. Yep.

And you can buy it. All new material in the Answer Me This style that you apparently enjoy because you're listening to this podcast. And you can, can we say all new? It was all new in 2013. It's all new for the album, is what I mean. That's right. It's not highlights of shows you've already heard. The only place you can get that. If you haven't bought it, you won't have heard it before.

Correct. Thank you, yes. That's the best description. Unless you pirated it. But then you should feel guilty because it's only £2.49, which is very little outlay, but you'd be bankrolling the show if you buy it. It's the Ryanair of podcast albums. We don't charge you extras for listening to it in your own home on a comfortable stage. And you can buy that at answermethisstore.com. And if you're there, you might want to buy some of our antiquated episodes as well.

Episode 1 to 170. And as a little sample, here's a snippet of episode 122. Hello, it's Tim from Watford. Helen on the Answer Me This. Why are STDs known as the clap? I read a hilarious, but I'm sure wrong, explanation of this, Tim from Watford. Helen only answered me this. Why are STDs known as the clap? I read a hilarious, but I'm sure wrong, explanation of this,

which was that in the Civil War, when venereal disease was quite common amongst the soldiers, the treatment for it was to put your penis on the table, slam the butt of a rifle on it, and your gonorrhoea blisters would make a popping sound. Oh, you're right. That is hilarious, Helen. Heartwarming.

What a hoot. Well, I don't have a penis, so I can laugh. No, you fucking don't. Otherwise, you would right. That is hilarious, Helen. Heartwarming. What a hoot. Well, I don't have a penis so I can laugh. No, you fucking don't. Otherwise you would not have even given me that image. I'm barely able to talk now. Well, that's a pleasant surprise. I'm going to mention that

more often. Done everyone a favour. Listeners, do please get in touch by calling in on this number. 0208 123 58 007 Or you can Skype Answer Me This with your questions. Here's someone who has called in with me this with your questions.

Here's someone who has called in with a shitload of questions. Hello, it's Laurie from Mid Wales. Helen Olly, answer me these. What's the world record for throwing a cowboy hat? I looked on the Guinness World Records website. That seems a very sensible place to go. Well, I thought so. First part of call for Guinness World Records facts.

Yep. Well done, Helen. Thank you. You win the prize. Don't patronise me, Ollie. I've been at this just as long as you have. I'm congratulating you

in the appropriate way, Helen. Have a biscuit. Shut up. The only Guinness record regarding cowboy hats at all was the most people wearing cowboy hats, which was organised

by Angels Baseball at Angels Stadium in Anaheim, California. Don't give them publicity now, Helen. They don't deserve it. It's not even the thing that Laurie asked about. Well, guess how many hats, anyway. It's such a shit record, isn't it?

How many hats? Was it the most worn? Yeah, the most people wearing cowboy hats. I think they had to wear them for 10 minutes at the same time. The thing is, it's probably not even a record because... Because I've been in Dallas Airport and they're all wearing them all the time. Exactly. If you went to any rodeo, there'd be loads of people wearing cowboy hats.

Any country concert. Okay, yeah, but this is 39,013 people. That's just the stadium's worth of people. That's a God's concert. Yeah, but that is quite a lot of people though.

Yeah, but you go to, like, what's a big country song? I've been to country to country at the O2 and albeit this is in Britain, I'd say there were probably only a thousand cowboy hats in the O2.

But that's the UK then? Yeah, well, the previous record was only 500 cowboy hats. So they've smashed this one because even if you've got these places where people are incidentally wearing

cowboy hats, there's not a Guinness adjudicator there, is there? And the Angels have a track record of these shit records because they previously

set ones for the largest gathering of people wearing blankets in 2010. Again, refugee camps all around the world would beat that. And in 2011 largest

gathering of people wearing masks bit eyes wide shut isn't it it's quite good what we're learning here laurie is that you can get easy publicity in the future if you get in there and make this record your own set this up get in touch with guinness say i want to do the world record for throwing a cowboy hat yeah you only need since you'll be the first to set it i mean a reasonable number say 100 well it doesn't necessarily have to be number of cowboy hats so much as distance, I'm assuming, from the wording of his question. I see, yeah. Because I've never heard of the sport of throwing a cowboy hat.

No. In the Cowboy Olympiad, maybe. Well, actually, I'm going to a rodeo in September in Oregon. Oh, well, let us know. Which is effectively the Cowboy Olympiad. And I've looked in advance as to what categories of entertainments I'll be watching will you be competing in any of the sportive events well of course the wild cow milking i'll be competing in i'm a dead set for that i've done a lot of practice in my life um and steer roping is there as well that's difficult though steer roping isn't

it very controversial as well for animal welfare reasons i believe uh but uh i no record there of there being a throwing a cowboy hat competition uh and this despite the fact that there is a moment where they put a midget in a barrel so i mean you know if they do all that at the rodeo still it looks like you've invented this sport lori so get in there and claim it unless they've tried it and it's just not that possible to throw a cowboy hat that far because they're not aerodynamic i mean what's the sporting achievement you're trying to obtain what do they do with the barrel with the midget in it? I've been to rodeos before.

It's all very weird. It's a bit like in this country where people do things in blackface. And they're like, it's not racist. It's tradition. And you're like, well, it is tradition. But it's tradition that can be seen as a bit racist. Yeah, because it is. And this is cruelty.

Basically, what they do is they have a rodeo clown. And the position of the rodeo clown is a bit like in Panto, where you have the knockabout funny man. Yeah. But more often than not, the rodeo clown is a bit like in Panto where you have the knockabout funny man. Yeah. But more often than not, the rodeo clown is a dwarf. So he's in on the act, but part of the joke is he gets in the barrel and then he gets charged by a bull or a horse at one point. Oh, God. But it is a profession. You're a professional rodeo clown.

Sure, but it's sort of the opposite of equal opportunities, isn't it? Yeah, exactly. How much does the average bank robbery make? According to the British Bankers Association, the average proceeds from a bank robbery in the UK are £20,331. That's nothing. That's rubbish. And a third of robberies yield nothing at all. So on average you're earning less than the national wage

by putting yourself in danger of being in prison for 10, 20 years potentially? The average takings per person per successful raid are a modest £12,706.60, equivalent to less than six months average wage. Oh, if only they put their bank robbing skills to a more honest pursuit. Life of crime is not worth it. Yeah.

There we were thinking they were in it for the money. Obviously they're in it for the love. On average, you get caught one in four. So by your fourth robbery, if you've done well, you've earned a year and a half salary, but then you get banged up for two years. all in all you're better getting a minimum wage job saving money when you're in prison living in luxury if i convert to judaism do i get a bar mitzvah and is it worth it just so i can use yiddish words without sounding like a schmuck what very varied

questions laurie has put very much yeah i would have thought that the conversion ceremony would take the place of a bar mitzvah, wouldn't it? Well, the point of a bar mitzvah is that you are old enough, according to Jewish law, to read from the Torah

in the synagogue. At 13. At 13. So, obviously, if you're converting at, say, the age of 26, you're already 13 years older than you need to be.

So you wouldn't need a ceremony to commemorate that because the ceremony is exactly that. It is ceremonial. So you wouldn't be commemorating anything. You that because the ceremony is exactly that, it is ceremonial. So you wouldn't be commemorating anything, you're already of age. So once you've converted you can read in the synagogue immediately because you're a man. But that said, a lot of people choose to have one 13 years after their conversion.

Is that because they just want all of the presents and money that you get for having a bar mitzvah? Yeah, basically. I mean they want to have a party, it's a fun thing to do. It's like people having their wedding vows redone. It's not necessary, is it? Because your marriage is still legally valid. You just want a bit of attention and a party, don't you? But also, Laurie, if you want to convert to Orthodox Judaism, which is the gold standard...

Can you convert to that, though? Yes. I would have thought that most Orthodox Jews wouldn't count a convert as ever being a proper Jew. No, they do. But they make it very, very difficult for you to convert for the very reason that Orthodox Judaism doesn't seek to attract converts.

My mum had to go to Israel, have some ridiculously protracted ceremony involving ceremonial baths. I don't think she learnt any Hebrew or anything though. I think just money was exchanged with the correct people and pieces of paper were signed. Well, I'm sure there's shortcuts, but under Orthodox Judaism, yes, you have to have have i think it's called a mikve which is where

they dunk you in water she didn't like it you have to learn hebrew you have to take a test um and then it has to be assessed by the beth din which is the jewish court i wouldn't be surprised if mum somehow cheated on that test because it doesn't sound like she would have put in a lot of study into hebrew but anyway it's fine if you to be a Jew, you can just go and be a liberal Jew and marry a Jew. That's easy. But then your children aren't going to be allowed to be Orthodox Jews unless they then convert into Orthodox Jewry. So it depends how seriously you want to take it, really.

But if you do want to convert into Orthodox Jewry, I mean, this is the big test, Laurie. You have to be circumcised. So that's going to be pretty much a big test of your faith, I would suggest, assuming you're uncircumcised at the's going to be a pretty much a big test of your faith i would suggest assuming you're you're uncircumcised at the moment well that's the thing if you'd had a medical circumcision then would you have to have a rabbi trim off a little bit more not trim off a little bit more no but you have to draw blood symbolically yeah that's easier for an american who's already circumcised to convert is a little bit easier because basically you just get your

prick by prick and then you're done before you name your baby have you bought their name.com If you don't their future digital brand will bomb Or a spammy bastard will use their name to sell porn Or some cheap old brand Viagra Every Squarespace account comes with a free URL

So until your child is old enough to rebel You can run a website for them that will become their personal house. So it will be worth every penny. LOL. We must extend a lot of gratitude for Squarespace, for bankrolling, this episode of

Answer Me This. They are such wonders for the independent podcaster. They really are, yeah. If we took the word gratitude and extended it to the extent by which we would like to extend it. You've stretched from here to Saturn. Gratitudinous. Something like that. Gratitudinosity.

But you should also be gratitudinositous towards Squarespace because if you want to use their service and get 10% off for a whole year, then just use the code ANSWER and be on your way to having a lovely, well-designed website. It's Ben and Malcolm from Dagenham.

Helen and I, answer me this. Why is the dollar sign an S with two lines for it? Surely, if anything, it should be a D and some sort of line. In fact, why do all currency symbols have lines for it? This is confusing me. I'm in a pub in case you can't hear. If this is a question in a pub quiz, they're going to wait far too long for the answer before they can reply.

And also, I strongly disagree with people using modern technology to cheat on pub quizzes. Me too. It's a bad thing. You're absolutely wrong. 4G in a pub quiz is the equivalent of walking into your GCSEs with all the answers written up your arm. And yet harder to catch. Because people are on their phones all the time anyway.

Yeah. They could be taking a photo. Yeah. Still wrong. Do you know the really terrible thing? Shazam. If you Shazam when they play a bit of a song, what's this? I mean, you're taking joy out of the world.

Even if you win, you should feel that that victory is very hollow. That pint you won, i hope that makes you sick i hope it's one of those mythical bad pints that people always blame for the fact that they've got drunk and they've been sick afterwards anyway currency with lines through it yes i've not really ever thought about this but i suppose as much as i have i thought it was so that when you write it down with pen and paper it's to distinguish it from other units other other punctuation other numbers numbers, other letters. Yeah, also when using a printing device, like an old printing press or a typewriter,

you could use a letter that you already had and put a line through it because they had limited keys and things. It's literally an S with two lines through it. But what about the pound? That's not a letter, really, is it? Well, it used to be an L with a line for it because it was from the French for libre. Yeah, I guess why it might be an S and not a D. Dollars. Could it be something to do with it being based on a silver standard

like a silver dollar was the standard unit of currency when there was coins? No, but I like your thinking. Well done, Martin. I always thought it was because they wrote U.S. superimposed over each other like a monogram and so the U

was two lines, and then that turned into one for ease of clarity. Is that wrong, Helen? Because now you mention it. You've mentioned that to me before as if it was fact. That is what I'd been led to believe. You told me it was fact. I'd forgotten all about it, but I remember I was asking you one day,

sort of haphazardly, and you were like, oh, everyone knows because it's a U with an S to it. Yeah, well, everyone knows this false fact that I knew. But apparently it's actually because it rolled out of Spanish, the abbreviation for pesos, which was a big P with a little S, like a superscript S.

And then the S started getting written over the P, and then that rolled into the S with a line through it, which is a lot clearer to see. So actually not that far off your original idea, but just different words that they were writing over. They went for the Spanish currency rather than pounds as a bit of a fuck you to the invading... I just fought a war over it.

Do you find it weird when people are writing business emails and they'll say, I'll pay you... Whatever it is, $25, and then they'll put USD afterwards? Well, because Canadian dollars... Because it could be Canadian, yeah, it could be. Could be Australian. But it's obviously not. I mean, you can usually guess by context, can't you?

Or it's even worse when people put, I'll pay you 25 with a pound symbol, then they put GBP. I mean, like, it's not going to be Eastern Caribbean pounds, is it? If it was, that's when you'd stipulate. Okay, but the Thai baht has the same symbol as Bitcoin. Oh, that is interesting.

Values of those are very different. Very different, yes. Yen and yuan, they both have the Y with a little dash through it. G ollie on the subject of money here's this question from scott who says ollie answer me this what do we buy any car.com do with the cars they buy i quite like the idea they might just all belong to one uh tycoon yeah just because he can just because he loves to buy cars just any car you. You know, it's like rich people who buy loads and loads of handbags or trainers that they never use. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This mad Russian oligarch, you know, somehow was infiltrating the market with catchy radio jingles. Getting anyone to flog over their old bangers. It's sadly not as exciting as that. Are they building an even bigger version of Carhenge? They're recreating the whole of Vegas, but with old cars. It is unsurprisingly far more pedestrian than that, if you'll pardon the pun, when it comes to motorists. I will not.

The answer is they put them up for auction. So essentially what they do is that when you type in your registration number, they give you a price which is under that, that the minimum average expected price at an auction would be for that car. So they're taking a gamble that they can make more than that for you by putting it in auction they're giving you less and then they take the profit okay um which you know leads a lot of people online to say oh you shouldn't deal with these guys they're cowboys you know if you went to an auction yourself and dropped your car off you could definitely make more money than this because that's their whole

business model it's like yeah but a lot of people don't want to do that that's the whole point they're daunted by it they don't know how to do it but then they don't necessarily know how much they're getting ripped off by if it was like a smallish percentage you think okay we'll find that service fee like the seven percent at coin star yeah that that's the fee you're paying for not logging it to the bank in town but if you're getting like 70 less than otherwise you would have got then that is a bit dodged i think it's somewhere in between the two in honesty uh it's not quite up to wonger levels of ripoff but i mean it is it is you know they're making a substantial profit but again i it's your fault if you're

that naive it's like those adverts for the the we buy any gold or whatever it is where you've like put your gold things in an envelope and we'll send back the envelope full of cash yes yeah but you don't know what your gold would have been valued at a different place exactly yeah there's one for watches now as well designer watches if you've got a Rolex put it in an envelope and turned it off it's weird isn't it especially when someone's just died I guess

you've got all this stuff that you've inherited it's the quickest people just want a solution they don't want to be thinking about it for months I guess that's how they're cashing in in a lot of these instances if you knew roughly that your car was worth 10 grand I reckon you wouldn't put it on webuyanycar.com maybe you would maybe people are stupid enough they do that they'll put like a vintage rolls royce on those stupid or lazy yeah i mean i would be just too lazy really to research all the options

it took me two years to buy a new bin when our kitchen bin was broken just because i didn't want to have to look at bins online and decide which was the best bin for us to have no and that's a big decision as well well because you don't want to have to look at bins again so you want one that's not going to break but also i mean that's a functional item but uh we haven't still we still haven't got a lampshade for the ceiling light that hangs down by our front door we've lived in the house now for nearly a year in inside or outside inside so it's the first thing you see when you come your house is a naked light bulb incredibly unattractive but what it is is all the other lampshades we've bought is all the other lampshades

we've bought for all the other rooms, we've seen them in a place and we've thought, oh, that would be perfect for that room. And that's really nice when you get one that you think is really nice and you've chosen. But on the other hand,

I always just think, why don't I just go to bloody Homebase, spend £10, buy a temporary one, and it's nice enough. You won't replace it. And that's the answer. I won't replace it.

So, yeah, what do you do? Do you look at the naked light bulb for three years until inspiration strikes? Apparently so. Apparently so. I want something that's like, you know, will replace it. So, yeah. What do you do? Do you look at the naked light bulb for three years until inspiration strikes? Apparently so. Apparently so. I want someone who's like, you know, willsellanylampshade.com. Just give me one. Will sell the best lampshade.com.

That's what you want. That is what I want. I want the lazy option. You don't want to have to go through the searching period. You just want the perfection to be attained automatically. Yeah. I'm an answer me this fan. I listen with my nan.

She is not so keen. She finds it too obscene. I follow them on Twitter. Though Ashton Kutcher's fitter. I want to take things further. Just one step short of murder. I want to look like Olly Mann. I want to smell like Olly Mann.

I want to feel like Olly Mann. I want to smell like Olly Mann. I want to feel like Olly Mann. I want to chase like Olly Mann. I want to look like Olly Mann. I want to talk like Olly Mann. I want to call my own man. Here's a question from someone who is 17 and anonymous, although probably not in real life. And they say,

After a long time single, my mum started seeing someone recently, and it's all great and lovely for them, but there's a problem for me. Oh, is it her attention is diverted and you're jealous? Every night when he comes round, they ultimately end up having sex. Oh, people in new relationships. The human impulse. God damn it. Since we live in a small house, it's really loud. No, since they in a small house, it's really loud. No, since they're having sex loudly, it's really loud. Yeah, I think that's right. You do it quietly in a small house.

Yeah, definitely. They explain my mum's and my bedrooms are next to each other, so the top of my bed touches her wall. Oh no. They obviously try to mask the noise by putting her iPod on. It's usually the point in the story where someone says they're listening to us, isn't it? But it doesn't do anything. It just ends up increasing the amount of noise. It is actually a different

noise though, isn't it? Crucially, I would say. It's the noise of doing it plus iPod. I guess, yeah, that's it. They're listening to Je T'aime. Oh, God. I've tried listening to my iPod while in bed, but even on full volume, it's just not loud enough to cover the sounds

of their furious lovemaking. God, not even with noise-cancelling headphones. That is some banging. This is a problem. No shit. As firstly, I have exams now, and when they finally finish around 1 or 2am, I have...

That's the bonking, not the exams. I have to be up early the next morning to go to college, and I need my sleep, especially around exams, because I'm extra stressed. Fair enough good practical reasons yeah yeah i mean i'm glad that you're shedding light on the situation behind the problem but on the other hand this is now beginning to sound a bit like a letter to teacher i mean we don't care it's still your fuck up if you fail your exams isn't it the end of the day get some earplugs um they continue secondly i'm afraid i'm going to become one of those adults in the future locked up for insanity or murder or some other freaky crime

because I heard my mum fucking. I've never heard that as a reason given in any serious murder. I once heard my mum have sex, therefore I went on a rampage. Repeatedly heard my mum have sex and it broke me. I have no intention of murdering anyone. Good to hear, isn't it? Yeah. But the murderers always seem to use the parent sex excuse,

as I just said. Never heard that before. I think you've just been re-watching the film Psycho. That's the only situation in which that ever occurs. I think in reality, often they've suffered a head injury or they're in some way mentally ill. In Psycho, I mean, this isn't explored, obviously partly because it's the 60s

and partly because it's a last minute twist but are we led to believe that he pretends to be Norma Bates quite a lot of the time and if so would that involve having sex as Norma? With men? Yeah I don't know, I wonder whether Bates Motel, the prequel series will address this because there's quite a sexy relationship between the two of them. Yeah probably will won't it

in some great detail Helen asked me this, how can I bring it up to my mum? That is the natural reaction one would have after hearing. That I would like them to stop having sex at a regular time because I want to sleep. No, believe me, it's worse when it's irregular. Because you think, oh, it's fine tonight and then 3am. Yeah. That is when it begins.

Yeah. There's a story I'd love to tell, but I can't because they listen. Yeah, same here. It's not exactly something I can bring up over dinner well maybe before dinner then just make dinner very awkward I think it is something you could like email your mum about I know that's prudish

oh yeah they say I'm not opposed to them having sex that's very magnanimous yeah it's their choice but I really need some sleep yeah okay fair enough well you could say to your mum I'm being kept awake by your noise

and you don't have to say that it's sex. You could pretend that it's the iPod. Yeah, but then they'll turn the iPod off and you'll just have the fox-like fucking again. Is it out the question to get earplugs or noise cancelling headphones? Is it out the question? I mean, I don't know if you have younger siblings.

Is it out the question to suggest she goes to his place? I mean, you can be trusted to be alone in the house at 17. there's a nice way to say that could you sleep on the sofa one night and when your mom comes down in the morning and goes why are you sleeping on the sofa and on yeah uh say i'm really sorry mom this is incredibly awkward to tell you but the walls are quite thin and she'll know what you're talking about yes she'll be as traumatized as you probably yeah that's a good point actually as uh long-term listeners the podcast will know we used to have uh neighbors on the other side of the wall where we're recording now who would go at it yeah very up against the wall as far as we know as well have been they were very ferocious and it was so frequent and

and animalistic real animal noises right you said to me god is that human yes it was extraordinary but it made you feel inadequate but after about three months it started becoming less frequent because that is the nature of new relationships phase a bit so you could wait it out i know you got your exams now but you could wait it out and then the argument started and that was what kept us awake instead that's more entertaining though in the case of neighbors whereas in the case of your mom you'd probably you'd probably take the lovemaking any day yeah the glorious sounds of the lovemaking or could you possibly move your bed to a different wall it's a different country it's a small thing but but might just help a tiny bit or sleep at the other end of your bed well listeners if you've been in this situation where you've had to block

your ears out from hearing your parents having rampant sex through the night relive all of that horror tell us all about it in grim detail and the contact details of how you can send us an email and so on on our website answer me this podcast.com where you can also find links to our various other projects and by the way if you are up all night and you need to diversionally tactic do remember ollie man through the night one till four a.m lbc but if a nun starts blasting that out of the speakers in order to drown out the noise of mum mum might start getting aroused by just the sound of your voice i was gonna say well it'll be quicker though won't it mum will be

brought to powerful orgasm immediately i've had a quite an innocent life i think parent sex wise but i am repelled by the sound of my mum eating peaches and uh so if anyone's got any advice for me to block that out does she sometimes do that down the phone as well i don't think she would eat on the phone right oh okay she's from that generation absolutely yes that's okay phone etiquette excellent it's like um she always punctuates emails very breathlessly because she's from the generation we had to pay more punctuation on the telegram we will see you in a couple of weeks yeah we'll see you in a couple of weeks for episode 292