Answer Me This! - AMT293: Viagra, Dead Rockstars and Horny Warlords

Episode Date: July 3, 2014

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Terms and conditions apply. Visit bmo.com slash theiporter to learn more. How come Manilow didn't write, I write the songs? Has to be this, has to be this. Will Cisco ever tire of looking at thongs? Has to be this, has to be this. Helen and Ollie, has to be this. looking at thongs It's the most terrible time

of the year There's football on and Wimbledon and I don't care. I wish I was dead at this time of the year. It's not just football and Wimbledon is it? It's also the Commonwealth Games coming up. There's rugby going on. It's just constant sport. It's interminable. interminable it's too hot i'd hibernate during the summer i

don't know what the correct word for that is i suppose the advantage though for most normal people who don't like sport is they can go outside but you don't even like that no what is there for you you don't even watch big brother anymore no i watched all of orange is the new black in about a week that's what there was for me instead of sport But we will concede to the fact that sport is happening with a sporty question from Seb who says, during the World Cup, I have noticed that all the players have perfect haircuts. Sounds like Seb is enjoying the sport action

just as much as we are. Ooh, delicious buttocks. I actually spend some of the time watching World Cup games, watching the advertising hoarding. Oh, Jesus. And I've actually realised sometimes even when England have just scored a goal, I haven't noticed because I was like, some of the time watching world cup games watching the advertising hoarding oh jesus and i feel like actually realized sometimes even when england have just scored a goal i haven't noticed because i was like oh that's interesting that they're advertising the ps4 across these territories seriously that's what i'm thinking are you not thinking oh now i've got a lawn i wonder what grades have cut their

grass on uh answer me this says seb how is this possible is each team bringing an army of hairdressers to brazil because of course a football team bringing an army of hairdressers to Brazil? Because of course a football team needs an army of hairdressers rather than just one or two. Or are the players wandering around the host cities in search of hairdressers? A bit of both, I should imagine. Professional footballers are not short of a bob.

I don't think they're sporting bobs, although I think they're normally mullets. It's probably up to the individual player, but at the same time, I imagine there is a team stylist for when they have their photos taken going to see local... Because you get these awful things I mean it reaches Nadir this I think when the England team went to see Auschwitz uh when they were in Russia and Poland that time um they have these photo calls where they go and do local things yeah usually they're all dressed alike as well exactly so for those for those photo calls there must be a team stylist so i imagine

that each footballer has their own look which obviously they've paid for and developed at home if they choose to go out and top it up whilst they're in brazil or bring their own stylist over i suppose they can but i imagine there's a team stylist who maintains each of their individual looks as they request i can imagine that in the olden days when footballers weren't the kind of vain peacocks that they are now, there would be just one stylist who'd give them all a buzz cut or something once every two weeks. Whereas now they might conceivably have their own privately hired stylist, mightn't they? Because they've got to look good all the time and many of them have modelling contracts.

Did you see the guy from Ghana who has the number three cut into his hair? No, I didn't because that would have involved watching some of the football. No, it wouldn't. It would just involve looking at stupid blogs like i do um and he's refused to say why he said um it's my favorite number it was handed over to me by my older brother how can you hand over a haircut i hand over a favorite number i'm not here to discuss it with anybody that is a private thing it's not private from the moment you step on the pitch at the world cup with it shaved into your head it shaved into your head if it's really private then the moment you step on the pitch at the World Cup. With it shaved into your head. With it shaved into your head. If it's really private, then write it down on a piece of paper

and bury that piece of paper in a place only you know about. Tattoo it on your bum cheek, yeah. Don't put it in your hair. Just think about it occasionally rather than wearing it externally. He can't even see it. It's on the side of his head. He can only see it in photos. That invades the privacy.

Yeah, I think you're right. God. I think also the other remarkable one must be wayne rooney's hair transplants have they taken they're really good i mean again one of the things i was watching during the match was wayne rooney's hair um you would never know that he'd i mean it's i wouldn't say it's worth it because obviously it costs a lot of money probably my annual salary he spent on his hair. But you would never know that he was balding. Martin, if you started losing your hair in a traditional way, so receding slowly from now, so you're not going to be fully bald for another 10 years.

From the front. From the front, or as I am, I've got a crown here that's expanding slowly. The sunroof. The sunroof, yeah. Would you choose to do something about it if you had the money? Or does it not bother you? I mean, I'm aware you wouldn't spend 50 grand on your hair, but if you had the money, or does it not bother you? I mean, I'm aware you wouldn't spend 50 grand on your hair, but if you could, would you?

Martin, if anything, has more hair than he would know what to do with. I suppose that's what they do, isn't it? They take some of the hair from his inside bollock or something and put it on the top of his head. Well, I think the answer's neither. I probably would not be okay with it, but I don't think I would spend all that money. I'd like to think I'd find a way to be okay with it.

Just add it to your list of great inner turmoil. Yeah, basically. Write a poem about it or something. Why would you? If I was Wayne Rooney and I flew everywhere first class anyway, I could go wherever I want and I had my dream job, then why not?

Well, it's just more money, isn't it? But it wouldn't be top of my list and I wouldn't be... I think, see, he's made a business decision, which is he's worth more with hair. it kind of is paying for itself yeah it may not be that he's just vainglorious about it if he is like other footballers and getting some kind of face of a brand contract then probably yes the hair would increase his fee well from from that point of view the one I admire is Kyle Beckerman who's a US football player and he has dreadlocks but he's white that's a brave look i think that's what

the local key cutters in crystal palace has got well and he's cool that's as may be but he's not looking for a sponsorship deal i don't know because how much does timpsons pay you are yourself out of sponsorship deals uh well here's another question of sport can you believe it boring Yippee! Boring. It's from Sandy. And they say, Helen, answer me this. When players and refs get into arguments during the World Cup matches, what language do they argue in? Usually mime.

Yeah, there's a lot of that going on, isn't it? They're usually just a second away from doing the wanker gesture, aren't they? My guess is English, says Sandy. But does that mean that a fluency in English is a prerequisite for playing FIFA soccer? It's not a prerequisite, but they do suggest that it will be useful because I think that is the most common language amongst football players. Although I imagine a prerequisite to playing for France must be that you pretend you've never heard of English. I think French is the other language that is the most spoken. It always bloody is, isn't it? Well, except for in America where Spanish is... Except for in the world spoken. It always bloody is, isn't it? Well, except for in America where Spanish is... Except for in the world where people speak Spanish and Chinese.

But the French are like, oh no, it's the other official language of the UN and Eurovision. Only because you make such a bloody fuss about it. FIFA have issued a six language dictionary of soccer related terms to players. And those languages are English, French, German, Italian, Portuguese and Spanish. I suppose you don't need to learn that many words in numerous languages. I mean, yellow card, I imagine that's easy to learn in various languages. And fuck off, I'm right is also quite easy to learn. I'm not sorry.

But the referees all had to pass a test in written and spoken English. And so that all five referees at any given match can communicate with each other. Yeah, because each officiating team consists of three referees from the same country or region and two more officials who might be from the other side of the world. That's quite a sensible decision. Seems it, yeah. If you want many more of this classic sports bantz, then the

Answer Me This Sports Day is available right now at answermethisstore.com for a very reasonable price. It is, only £2.49. That is very cheap. One hour of sporty fun. Sporty, sporty. Which is not available anywhere else on the internet. And I think reasonable price it is only £2.49 that is very cheap one hour of sporty fun sporty sporty which is not available anywhere else on the internet and i think considering how we feel about sport we made a very good fist of it but if sports isn't your thing do check out our holiday christmas and royal family themed albums which are also available good time for our christmas album isn't it

midsummer it's probably christmas in the southern hemisphere right now if you got a question email your question to answer me this podcast at googlemail.com answer me this podcast at googlemail.com It's great It's great It's great It's great It's great

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It's great It's great It's great It's great It's great Here's a question. So retrospectives, what historical events

are we ticking off on this week's run of Today in History? On Monday, we bring you the real story of the mutiny on the bounty. On Tuesday, the anniversary of the day

somebody invented the meatball, but who? On Wednesday, the iconic British car that ripped off an iconic American car. On Thursday, how American airlines invented air miles. And on Friday, the UFO sighting that gripped colonial America.

We discuss this and more on Today in History with The Retrospectors. Ten minutes each weekday, wherever you get your podcasts. Question from Jenny from Vancouver, originally from Pinner. Good to know. And she says, I live with my fiancé, Brian, and we've recently bought a townhome together. That's her word.

That's a word you don't use in Pinner, but I imagine you use in Vancouver. It's like a mixture of townhouse and downhome. I can't speak for Vancouver, but being from the Pinner area, I know that really the only descriptions of houses that would apply is whether they have a Jewish front garden or a Gentile front garden. What's the difference the jews basically take up all of the front garden

replace it with concrete so they park a car on it oh no and what do the gentiles have their front gardens right you know pretty little flowers and a garden path jews don't do that not in san more and pinna jews like suffering no no they like a place to park um we've been together for many years continues jenny and while i love love Brian tremendously and with all of my heart, he has a terrible habit of trying to burn down our house. Oh, pyro Brian. And I just don't know how to deal with it anymore. Maybe live underwater.

Examples are too... Well, Vancouver, a lot of water around, isn't there? Absolutely. Examples are too numerous to list in full, but here are a few highlights of when Brian tried to burn down the house. Story number one. Brian is renovating our deck. We were having steaks for dinner, so he had to use the propane grill at the front of our house rather than use it at the back. Well, that's easier for the fire service to reach.

Yeah, I suppose it is. After using the grill to cook the steak, he brought it into our front hall for the night so it wouldn't get stolen, but forgot to turn the propane off. Oh, Brian! I only discovered the propane was on when I walked towards the kitchen half an hour later to discover the overpowering odour.

Obviously, I got rather annoyed. My fiancé was nonplussed. Was he still breathing? Yeah, that's it. My fiancé was unconscious. Yeah. It's easy to be nonplussed, he still breathing? Yeah that's a good one My fiancé was unconscious Yeah It's easy to be nonplussed Isn't it?

After inhaling a lot of propane That is a shocker isn't it? Although it's one of those If you do get there In the nick of time It's not a dramatic story Even though a very dramatic thing Could have happened

I've had that when I've left The hob on for too long I had a friend actually Who dropped One of those shisha pipes With burning charcoal in it Onto his Persian rug. That really became a situation

very quickly indeed. Not ideal. Very quickly. Ten seconds situation. My mum, back in the late 60s, recounts how there was a power cut and she took a candle into the kitchen because she thought she'd left the gas on.

Obviously you don't take a candle in if you thought you'd left the gas on. Blew half her hair off. Luckily she was wearing a hairpiece because it was the late 60s That's a great story Well done mum It was almost worth it to provide us with that material Even though her eyebrows have been a bit thin ever since

Seriously? Because that's what did it for Michael Jackson of course wasn't it? Going on painkillers after blowing his hair off She has not been addicted to strong drugs But your house is sort of a theme park Not in the least it is if you're interested in sculpture sculpture world if you like a lot of logs they've got a lot of logs log world they haven't even put a flume in they've just got the logs example number two

brian has almost burnt down his friend's house thanks brian must be a popular guy this brian when he returned home from a night out and started cooking chicken nuggets and steak pies in the oven, he managed to put the food in the oven, fall asleep, and wake up hours later to black smoke filling the kitchen and living room. It's a good thing Brian didn't die from smoke inhalation. Exactly. Or is it?

He seems maybe a bit of a liability for this world. This has happened twice on mainland, once on a boat. Oh, God. On a boat. Brian! Story number three. Brian attempted to cook a store-bought lasagna for his lunch. Right.

This is turning into a proper sitcom treatment, isn't it? He turned the oven to broil and did not remove the cardboard lid on the lasagna. Well, sometimes those instructions can be confusing. You know, sometimes you don't want to throw the packaging in the bin because it's got the instructions on and the helpful serving suggestion. I'll put it in the oven because then it'll be close to the thing that I need to serve. Then I know where it is. Exactly.

He then went to watch sports. I blame sports! I do too. It's always sports fault. Connection. There's a Venn diagram, isn't there, between idiots and sport fans. And I returned from grocery shopping to find a full blown fire in my oven the man can't even reheat lasagna 10 exclamation marks he's 32 another 10 exclamation marks if there's any reason to use 20 exclamation marks in a sentence that might be it

brian has earned them and yet she's still with him uh needless to say she says this has become rather annoying i bet it has I think wondering whether your house can be burnt down whenever you leave it Is probably a bit of a concern Although it might be keeping the relationship fresh Keeping the home fires burning In a terribly literal-minded way Keeping the spark in your marriage

I hope you've got good insurance, Jenny Although I love my Brian, continues Jenny He's so forgetful when it comes to cooking Hope you've got good insurance, Jenny. Although I love my Brian, continues Jenny, he's so forgetful when it comes to cooking that I've become a micromanager in the kitchen. I believe he has brought that on himself. There's a word for a chef who isn't the cook, but is the guy who supervises everything. Executive chef.

That's what you've become. You've become the executive chef. You're Anthony Bourdain. Exactly. That's not so bad. Yeah. You're Gordon Ramsay. And Brian is an employee who would have been fired by now.

Yeah. Not in the flame term. If he comes to bed after me, continues Jenny, I find myself going back downstairs to make sure all the hobs are turned off. Sometimes they're not. And this makes me wild with rage. I think that's appropriate because you don't want to burn to death in your bed. You don't.

Or ever. I think that's right. No amount of reminding or nagging or note leaving seemsaving seems to make a difference, so Helen answer me this. How should I stop my fiancé from burning down our house? The common thread is cooking. Ban Brian from cooking. Hmm. But then what if he then becomes the guy who's like, well, don't worry, dear, I'll make the table look nice and candles get involved. No, no candles. Get those battery-operated candles if you need them. No candles. What if someone asks for a light when they're smoking. No, no candles. Get those battery operated candles if you need them. No candles. What if someone asks for a light when they're smoking?

No, no smoking. There are so many ways for a pyro prone accident idiot to get involved with fire. Install some very oversensitive smoke alarms in your house. It will drive you nuts, but he might get the message after several hours of flapping at them with tea towels. Now that's a clever idea actually.

If you have a joint bank account, spend whatever it is in Canadian dollars, getting very expensive smoke alarms fitted. And a sprinkler system, maybe. So he feels the pain in his wallet. It's not just you nagging. He's paid for something to rectify his idiocy. Maybe you should fine him

every time he leaves the place at risk of fire. But ultimately, that's not going to be a fine. That's going to be really building up your pot to pay for the medical help that you'll need inevitably when you do begin to burn yeah it's a very practical plan i thought but yeah i think brian should only be allowed raw food sandwiches that counts doesn't have to be one of those raw food things where you only heat things up to 40 centigrade i wonder if there's a fire safety course that brian could be sent on that's actually nice because you could then turn it into almost like a christmas gift yeah yeah it seems almost

like a fun way to celebrate his inadequacy i think also he has he has earned patronizing behavior because he's a serial offender so if you put a note above the oven saying have you turned all the burners off and then put another note on the bedroom door going seriously brian check that you've turned all the oven burners off. It may be nagging, but I think it's reasonable nagging at this point. I think you need a carrot and a stick. I think if he stops to behave himself, he should be rewarded. He'll set fire to the carrot, Martin.

I think maybe he needs a stern talking to from a local firefighter. That's the kind of thing you'd do if it was a child, wouldn't you? You'd get a firefighter to come into their school and tell them not to cross the road without looking first. Did you used to enjoy that kind of brief contact with the emergency services yes did you yes and also the drugs talk at school i love that it's policemen i love the drugs talk because they come in with a briefcase full of drugs yes that's great um you know it's allowed as opposed to every other day where someone turns up with a briefcase full of drugs but some people might be sitting that assembly thinking how can i steal the drugs from the suitcase i'll be like

wow there are actual drugs in this room oh my god yeah that's so bad I went to the fate in my local village uh at the weekend and they had that thing where they have a police car in the middle of the and it wasn't a vintage one it was a modern police car yeah just checking everything stayed ship shape no they weren't they well I I presume that the officer there could have sprung into action if someone had been cheating at splat the rat um but they'd heard that a major drugs operation was using Hertfordshire village fate no but he was there to demonstrate to the kids you know they could get in the car and ring the siren and flash the lights at people yeah I think on the one hand is that good because it shows sort of community cohesion and you know the police aren't something to be scared of yeah but on the

other hand if you're not scared of the police what are they for well exactly and i don't know i don't know if i want that chumminess i think it was probably a police officer who was on duty but also wanted to go to the fair and so pretended they had some official capacity there yeah even if you hadn't booked the stall space you would be able to wheel up wouldn't your police car yeah and be like yeah we paid our 50 quid yeah yeah here to demonstrate for the day well here's my taser yeah We love hearing your voice posing questions to us listeners and if you want to do that then the number to call is this Or you can Skype answer me this.

You certainly can. Let's see who's done that today. Hello, Asa from Ashton & Kent here. Helen and Ollie, answer me this. How many calories are in a Viagra tablet? Because I've just taken three, but I have also had a bit of cake, and I'm just wondering how many of my my daily allowance calorie wise i've got left thanks it's the new diet three viagras before four then cake that sounds like a really brilliant life well actually a recent study has suggested that viagra helps people lose weight because

it converts white fat which is just big fat belly fat into brown fat which burns calories a lot bullshit tests in mice does is it makes you have sex which is then you fat belly fat into brown fat which burns calories a lot bullshit tests in mice does is it makes you have sex which is then you know good physical exercise isn't it well i don't know if asa is having the sex if he's sitting around eating cake he might just taking this viagra by sitting around popping viagra yeah i thought you're only supposed to have one i can you take three well he has unless he's lying yeah i think people can take plural but it might end in unpleasant pleopism well and heart failure and faintness yeah because your blood's not distributed around the body as it should be did you see the research that was out a couple of weeks ago that said that men when

they're hungry prefer fuller sized women and this was illustrated in all of the newspapers with a photo of nigella which i thought was a bit unfair But it was basically saying if a woman is able to cook well, you're more likely to fancy her if she's larger. Because it triggers the same, I don't know, endorphins or dopamine or whatever that is triggered by being hungry. And a man thinks at the point that he's hungry, he thinks I'll be sexually satisfied by someone who knows how to cook. And maybe she'll feed me afterwards. Maybe she'll feed me afterwards. Yeah. So I just wonder in the same way whether it's best to eat the cake

if you've just had three Viagra. Yeah. Because otherwise you might try and fuck it. Yeah. I'm just curious. How do we know that he hasn't? Maybe he had to destroy the evidence of having fucked the cake

by eating the cake afterwards. So it's like British cake can be the sort of gross comedy equivalent of American pie. Now that you make a really interesting point there. Thank you. American pie was an apple pie, and obviously I know that they chose that because symbolically it represents, you know,

American virginity, chasteness, and small-town America, and all the goodness of the homely vibes of that, as well as being a pie that you can fuck because it's soft on the inside. And it's got holes in it to let the steam out. Exactly. If you were doing a British equivalent of that film, and obviously they wouldn't now because it's been done,

but if American Pie... Which one? Eel Pie. Eel. Eel Pie and mash. Because it's slippery. If Guy Ritchie had directed it... That hole in the top of a pork pie. But those are quite cold, aren't they? I mean, American Pie is sort of warm. You can't fuck a pork pie. Yeah, but they've got the jelly in. Yeah, I know.

So there's lubricant. There's not the space. You can't pick up all of the pastry. Well, if you had a needle-like penis then it'd be fine. In the subsequent American Pie films, does he fuck the same type of pie or does he fuck different types of pie, like a quiche? I've seen... Quiche, that'd be a mess.

I've actually seen every American Pie film. Wow, really? In the official sequence, I've seen, so one, two, three, and then I think four. And then there was another one that came out last year. Maybe that was four or five. Is Jason Biggs in all of them? He's in all of them, exactly. So those are the ones...

When they've done the spin-offs where you get stifler and eugene levy i passed on those but if biggs is there i'm there um and uh i'm i think i'm right in saying that in every single iteration of the film sequel and otherwise they either make an ironic knowing reference to him walking past a piece of cake or right or like defending his uh manhood when he's standing naked in the kitchen by holding up a cake yeah or brushing some pastry off his penis that kind of thing um they make an ironic reference to the first film or they talk about that event as an event in his character's past so it's always referenced the whole way through the it's pretty canonical isn't it if i if you'd been caught fucking a pie i imagine that would stay with you it's a motivating thing yeah but you see the thing

is when hel Helen says, does he fuck a different cake in each film? No, they've done that joke once. He does different things in each film which were equally embarrassing. But it's difficult to find something as emblematic of his outsiderhood. Actually fucking the American dream. Yes, absolutely. That's what you're right.

He could do this all over the American flag. Does he do that? Does he spunk on the flag? He could shove a white picket fence up his ass well he's not too far off that but i believe it bang the white uh in american pie 2 he kind of um demeans the whole notion of a frat house and its integrity interesting uh by being caught naked on the roof with a VHS porn tape glued to one hand and his penis glued to the other. Oh, dear. The indignity.

So it's not as symbolic, you're right, as the pie, but they've tried there. There may have been an American flag on the roof with him, I can't remember. But VHS is an interesting choice, isn't it? Because that's a medium that won out by popularity and not by inherent superiority. Yeah, well, like the American Pie sequels

mmm so what are the other events through the films I'm afraid I don't remember Ollie please reenact every American Pie film in sequence now

because I don't have to watch them now would you like to hear some amazing Viagra facts mmm yes is one of the main tenets

no but Viagra does help treat jet lag in hamsters do you know if ara does help treat jet lag in hamsters Do you know if a hamster's got jet lag? I don't know But apparently only flying east Not west But isn't this just because it speeds up your heart?

It's not because a hard-on makes you less tired is it? Distracts you from the tiredness Yeah well maybe yeah Apparently if you dissolve it in a vase full of water Then your flowers will stay straight and stiff for longer. No, that's made up. I think it's probably just it alters the structure of the cells a bit so the water stays in them longer or something like that. And it slows down plant ripening.

But that's a very expensive way to treat a plant, isn't it? Oh, yeah, because how much is a Viagra? About £8 a pill? At least. You could just buy new flowers. £8. During the Afghan war, the CIA rewarded its informants with Viagra. Since the warlords were elderly, they couldn't please their wives. So in exchange for information, the CIA offered them Viagra.

Wow. That's interesting. Horny warlords. What a picture. It's all sort of like, it's from the blooper reel of Zero Dark Thirty, that one, isn't it? One of the fun deleted scenes. Yo, yo, one love. the best thing about tennis is the a women's tennis a women's tennis hearing those ladies all going and makes me go in my pants

answer me this sports day out now answer me this podcast.com slash albums here's a question from hannah inwick who says, I had a feast yesterday. Ooh, get you. Rightly considered the king of pre-packaged ice creams for its wonderful chocolatey centre. And its structural excellence. Yeah, although I would agree if we were living in a pre-Magnum Infinity era. But I do think nowadays, you know, the bat the button has been passed the stick has been passed

however continues hannah despite extensive googling during which i discovered that fab ice creams have apparently shrunk in size maybe you've just grown yeah maybe you didn't zoom in on the image uh i can't find out what that heavenly center in a feast bar actually is. I know it can't be real chocolate, as that would be both too expensive and solid as a rock when frozen. Also, the Wall's website calls it a chocolate flavoured centre. Yes. That's a giveaway, isn't it? So Helen answered me this.

If it's not chocolate, what in the ever-loving heck is at the centre of a feast ice cream? I think it's delicious chocolate-ish wax are you being serious no but it's it's a mix of those sinister fats that you know are artificial and sugar and cocoa powder i think that's why it has to be called chocolate flavoured because it doesn't meet the requirements for something to be called chocolate by uh food standards agency standards do you still buy commercial ice cream bars because a gelatoria, is that what they're called?

Gelateria. Gelateria has opened up around the corner from you. Yeah, a couple of years ago, the greatest time of our lives. Who'd have thought that would still be running now? Seriously. I know, I did not think it would make through that first winter.

No. But it has. Crystal creams, if you're in the Crystal Palace area, do make a beeline for it. I can actually verify that I can add my support to that because it's not just, I mean obviously that is a local recommendation, it's not quite worth

making the trip here, but it's certainly worth making a trip to Crystal Creams if you're anywhere near Crystal Palace. This is Martin's and my restaurant rating system so would you make a trip specifically for that restaurant would you make a substantial would you make a trip specifically for that restaurant? Would you make a substantial So wing-yip, yes. Yeah. Would you make a

substantial detour for that restaurant? Yeah. Yeah. Would you make a small detour for that restaurant, Crystal Creams and Crystal Palace? Yes. Yeah. What's the next stage down, Martin? Well, it's like a Mechelen guide. Would he cross a country? Would he cross a city? Or would he cross the streets, basically? And then I suppose right down the bottom is, you're in a service station,

it's there, do you still choose to avoid it? Yeah. Crystal Creams, I'd say small detour of up to ten minutes each way, basically. And then I suppose right down the bottom is, you're in a service station, it's there, do you still choose to avoid it? Yeah. Crystal creams, I'd say, small detour of up to 10 minutes each way, yes. But the ice cream will melt if it's a much longer detour. So, in that world, does commercial ice cream still have a role? Is there a place for the feast ice cream?

Well, they've got Ferrero Rocher flavour there, which is a bit like a mashed up feast with extra wafer. So I think we're saying no, aren't we? No, but sometimes I want a feast. I want that waxy centre. Yes. I want that structural fun. Hi, this is Chris from Hook. How long, Ollie, answer me this. Where does the trope

of the neighbour in a sitcom always wanting to come round and borrowing a cup of sugar or getting it to scrape come from? We've been watching it in Bewitched and in lots of other things, Fresh Fields. I'm just trying to remember where it first came from and I can't quite put my finger on it.

Any thoughts? Well, it's probably in the Bible, isn't it? I'm not sure that's widely seen as a sitcom. It's not one of those funny ones. Like Gavin and Stacey, it wasn't full of lols, but it was counted as a sitcom. I mean, Adam and Eve were neighbours technically, I suppose. So was the serpent.

I think it's in Leviticus, isn't it? Yeah. And then someone ends up having sex with a relative. Anyway, I think Chris means more Ned Flanders than any of the giants from the Abrahamic faiths. And I think the origins of that trope probably come from I Love Lucy. Really?

Well, the thing is, look, there may have been an earlier sitcom where there was a funny neighbour, but I Love Lucy... Really? Well, the thing is, look, there may have been an earlier sitcom where there was a funny neighbour, but I Love Lucy... Like Steptoe or something? Well, no, that was later than I Love Lucy. I Love Lucy was in the early 50s. There was nothing earlier than I Love Lucy, really,

except for war news. There were American comedy shows, but I think I Love Lucy set the template for studio-based sitcoms in so many ways that even if someone else had done it first, it was because Lucy did it that it became a trope, I think. The thing about the neighbors in um i love lucy is that they're there to provide a counterpoint towards their zany neighbors so lucy and ricardo had a crazy marriage

where they'd you know have actually quite passive-aggressive and slightly demeaning fights yeah they did not get on they didn't in real life or in the show no um but you know they'd get up to mad stuff. Would they ever? You sort of, in a way, because they're in their own little world, you can almost lose track of how weird they're being unless you have the straight conservative neighbour turn up halfway through the episode

and you realise how unlike other conservative middle American couples they are. The straight man. The straight man, exactly. And you see that right the way through to Angus Deaton in One Foot in the grave i was thinking for example classic example of that isn't it that is basically just fred and ethel from i love lucy again but it is always sugar it's very rarely say flour is it gravy browning and i suppose sugar is a vital ingredient but

it's not the only vital ingredient well it would give a reason why you're at home if you're baking wouldn't it uh whereas if you came around to uh after a wi-fi password you'd be in and out very quickly whereas sugar you're you know you're spending a day essentially pissing around in the kitchen i mean i know we all need nutrition to live women couldn't get jobs then um sure but the point is you've got time to stop and chat and that again is useful for the sitcom writer isn't it and then shops weren't open all the time like they are now but really the reason why you have neighbors as characters within sitcoms is because studio sitcoms have one or two or three sets that are there permanently week in week out so think of friends you know you've got central perk it was already stretching

credibility that they'd constantly be in the coffee shop all the time because they'd be caffeinated to fuck and they didn't have any money anyway in the story. But it made sense to give them somewhere else to be other than the coffee shop and then they cleverly made that their apartment by having the two sets of friends living opposite each other even though that would be quite unlikely. But why didn't they learn to make coffee in the apartment? Making coffee is so easy and they would have saved

a lot of money. So much money. And they would have spent a lot of money on those apartments in Manhattan. Yeah, and then they wouldn't have got into the fights with people sitting on what they perceived to be their sofa. They wouldn't have had to deal with Gunther and his romantic disappointment in Rachel. But it makes it so much easier to reset scenes, doesn't it? If you've got one scene set in Joey and Chandler's apartment

and then another scene set in Monica and the other one's apartment, then you can almost film them in sequence. And I imagine they probably did so the audience could follow the narrative usually unless there was a big prop or something. You could film them in sequence and i imagine they probably did so the audience could follow the narrative usually unless there was a big prop or something you could film them in sequence just by rolling the cameras from one set to the other you'd have to change the lights you have to change the conditions whereas if you've got a different look like ross's apartment that

is a different set that's a bit of a pain in the ass to go and film in isn't it they probably have to plonk that in the middle of monica's apartment exactly you have to reset and then the audience have to wait and have to understand what's going on whereas it's very easy to keep the fluidity of that permanent set of having a neighbor's set there all the time and even in animation even with ned flanders you know it's you've got the exterior of the simpsons house very well detailed makes sense to have a neighbor living in the house next door because you've got the fence you've got the house you've got the side view you've got everything right there and it's a relationship that uh most members of the audience will be able to comprehend yes exactly and of course you know probation officer maybe not i mean you mentioned steptoe i mean rising damp you know all the way

through that keeping up appearances class comedy it's a classic british thing isn't it yes you have someone living next to you who is either upper or lower class compared to you and then you have class tension built into the sitcom even if within your family you're all of the same class and if they're an antagonist they're right there all the time exactly yeah you can't get rid of them you've got the embarrassment of being seen literally with your pants down in're all of the same class. And if they're an antagonist, they're right there all the time. Exactly. Yeah, you can't get rid of them. You've got the embarrassment of being seen literally with your pants down in the yard. Yeah, that's sort of the collision of the private and the public. Exactly. Here's a question from Tom from Oxfordshire who says,

I recently heard that rock drummer Jeff Porcaro died of a heart attack brought on by an allergy to weed killer he was using while maintaining his garden. Oh, how horrible. It is horrible. As I'm leaving school this year to study at Manchester's RNCM and I'm very scared about the big move, maybe a good way to break the ice with other musicians would be to open with some interesting trivia.

Oh yeah, that's great, isn't it, with freshers. So how do you reckon you're going to die then? That's going to go down really well. Here's a hilarious fact about someone dying tragically. So, Ollie, answer me this. What is the most unusual and interesting way a rock star has kicked the bucket? Well, in fairness, but it's not funny.

I think the answer to this probably is Michael Hutchence, isn't it? I mean, you know, I'm not saying it's funny. I'm aware we're a comedy show, but he asked the question. I think that's the answer. However, if there is such a thing as a funny death, I think it probably is more when people are asking for it. What? Well, you know, when they're playing fast and loose

with uh darwinism basically when they're doing russian roulette or something yeah so russian roulette is the one that people always say johnny ace died of right he was an american r&b singer from memphis his popularity peaked in the 1950s when you were about 10 so i'm surprised he accidentally shot himself in the head with a 22 caliber pistol guns are not toys and the people always misreported this people often say uh that johnny ace was playing russian roulette and actually what he was doing apparently uh he's he used to kind of specter style pull out the pistol and just shoot things like shoot cans off the wall and like he was a bit pistol happy and he'd been drinking this particular evening someone said be careful and he allegedly said look it's okay the gun's not loaded so he pointed at his head and killed himself hilarious well i didn't say it was funny what a

great opening gambit for tom but that is a really good prank actually it probably is the most unusual and interesting way rockstar has died well i don't know because uh steve peregrine took co-founder of t-rex choked on a cocktail cherry oh you wouldn't be expecting that none of the unusual rock star deaths i found are funny because they are still someone dying and that's tragic yes and actually some of them are weird sometimes when people die in a very outlandish way um it's in a way it's underwhelming because you expect rock stars to do that kind of thing yeah so there's there's one guy called Randy Rhodes, who was a guitarist for Ozzy Osbourne. Yeah.

And he died by basically dicking around in a plane and doing loop the loops and crashing into the tour bus, which is horrible, but it's also, it is unusual, but it's the kind of thing you'd expect of a pissed up rock star, isn't it? Whereas choking on a cocktail cherry, not so much. Yeah, Tommy Tucker, the blues singer and songwriter, died after being poisoned from the stuff he was using to refinish his hardwood floors.

Oh, jeez. Wow. So who'd have thought housekeeping would play such a role in so many of these stories? Weed killer, hardwood floors. Never housekeep. It's better to be dirty. Yeah.

Which you advocate as much as you can. Here's another housekeeping death. French pop star Claude Francois, known as Claude Claude in France, in 1978, in his Paris apartment, he was standing in a filled bath and tried to straighten a lightning fixture and was electrocuted because his hands were wet. Don't fix

things when your bath is full and your hands are wet. Why was he standing in a bath? Presumably it was easier to access the fixture from in the bath than outside of the bath. I don't know. He wasn't able to explain it after his death. No, that's always the problem, isn't it? But I would advise Tom to consider some other ways of making friends.

Maybe talk about what you did on your gap year and other small talk. I think that would be better. Rather than going, do you want to hear how Jerry Fuchs, drummer from Chick Chick Chick, died? He fell down an elevator shaft. Ha ha ha! Give me a clue to what I'm asking Then in your awesome knowledge I'll be basking Once in summer I'm so alone No one to email and no one to phone Where can I get new friends from?

Answer me in this podcast.com Time for a question from Tom, who says, I have recently been asked to write a reference for someone. The only thing... That was the sound of complete disinterested intrigue. What am I supposed to feel about that? Impressed? It's a thing.

Welmed? I've written a reference, mate. The only thing, continues Tom, is that the person who is asking me for a reference is a person i fired for being shit at their job i ignored their first two emails asking me for the letter of reference but she's continued to email and text so i feel i should provide her with something she's not really good at hint taking is she no obviously not this is probably one of the reasons that you fired her i don't want to lie and say she was good uh because i would hate for someone else to end up

working with her because of what i wrote but at the same time i don't want to be too offensive in the letter so helen answer me this can you turn the following bullet points into suitably bullshitty euphemisms or indeed find positives in this list of negatives that I can use in my letter of reference. She was a cook slash stewardess on a sailing yacht. Okay. Okay. Bullet point number one. She was a terrible cook.

Supplies herself to these situations and tries to learn new skills. We all were very slim and healthy on her cooking. Bullet point number two. She was asked to cook light Mediterranean cuisine, but mostly made Polish food. Wide range of international cuisines covered. A very interpretive cooking style. Yes.

Full of surprises. She spent all day using her phone with her headphones constantly in. Not one to waste time with chatter. Independent. She slowly got the rest of the crew to do more and more of her work. Good manager, delegator. But never offered help to the others.

Didn't try and step above her pay grade. Fostered independence in other staff. The kitchen became so disgusting and unsafe that it stank out the rest of the boat. Left her mark. She would not take criticism or instructions without getting defensive and regular full-blown arguments erupted.

What a personality. Headstrong and confident. Yeah. Born leader. Stood up for her beliefs. Yes. Final bullet point. I am 100% sure she lied on her CV.

Creative. Yes. I think we've done that before. I think that's pretty good. I think that's a range of talents that I would... Anyone reading between the lines would know what you meant. I've always heard that you can get sued for giving a bad reference. Yeah, that's right.

If you can't substantiate the accusations that you're levelling at the employee in your reference, like if you never pursued a complaint at the time then you do run the risk of them suing you for damages if they don't get the job or for financial loss but a new employer could also claim damages against you if you give a glowing reference on an employee who then turns out to be bad oh so you can't win tom so i think you just have to say i'm not giving you a reference or apparently you can just give the bare minimum point saying i I employed her. Yeah, she worked here.

Then I fired her. These were the dates. Yeah. But yeah, you could say she was fired. Well, listeners, this brings us to the end of Answer Me This, episode 293. But if we have left you wanting more, remember that if you download the Answer Me This app, you get a free few minutes of content every single time we deliver an episode.

The stuff that was too good to put in the episode. That's right. right or the other thing and we've been doing this for a few years now so if you've not got the answer me this app yet if you get it now there are hours worth of extra content for you to discover on there albeit they're only a few minutes long each and all of the previous year's best ofs are on there as well they're not available on our free feed that's right app bonus they are available for sale at answer me this store..com. Yes, and it's answermethisstore.com slash apps that you go to to get the app for iPhone, iPad, Android or Windows phone. And guess what? We earn a little bit of money when you buy them as well.

So thank you for doing that and supporting the show. And if you want to give us something other than money, then questions would be nice for following episodes. And all of our contact details are on our website. Answermethispodcast.com. Wow, I got our web address wrong. You did? What were you going to say? That was the 293rd time I said it. answer me this podcast.com wow i got our web address you did what were you gonna say 290 times answer me this and then you stopped talking like i just blanked it's just like when you're writing your name you get halfway through and think what's

next why am i here why are we doing a podcast what's the point this could be the beginning of the end i've just been on automatic all this time how does my name end shit shit shit that's what happened now okay well helen going to go off into therapy and we'll see you in a fortnight's time. Or will we? Will I remember to turn up in a fortnight? Bye!