Answer Me This! - AMT295: Freshers' Week, The Genetic Lottery, and Human Meat

Episode Date: August 7, 2014

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Will in-betweeners ten be set on their deathbed? Answer me this, answer me this Before Judge Dredd was Judge Dredd, was he barrister Dredd? Answer me this, answer me this Helen and Ollie, answer me this Well, we start this episode with a timely question from Lauren in Bethnal Green who says, Helen, answer me this, as an adult, have you ever been on holiday with your parents? And I happen

to know that this has an incredible amount of relevance to your current life. That's right. Last week, I went on my first full Zaltzman family holiday since 1988. Now, you used the word full, but you were there for how long? I was there for one night. One night. That's all you could manage with your

parents. I don't want to overdo things. It was a bit different to the holiday in 88. I no longer suck my thumb. My brother doesn't listen to nearly as much Bon Jovi on cassette anymore and Debbie Gibson is no longer his second favourite musical artist. The last time we were in South Africa this time we're in Hampshire where there were no herds of warthogs there were no rhinos there were no lions killing giraffes. there were some cows but another remarkable event that happened on the holiday is that for the second time in my life i saw my dad wear jeans wow yes it was a bit of a shock because he's usually cords only yeah occasionally like thick cotton trousers but he said i needed a pair of trousers to keep molten metal off my legs that's why hipsters wear jeans isn't it and um

when it comes to deciding what the itinerary is i know that there's only one night and one day involved here but yeah you're someone who really likes to do what you like to do yeah i i sacrificed that i can imagine i just got rid of that what did you do we went to a place called i think it's called buckler's hard and it's a place of maritime historical importance because that's where many of Lord Admiral Nelson's ships were built Buckler's Hard yes I think I've seen a film about that on the internet and it wasn't maritime I have a real mental block on maritime history I just don't give a fuck yeah and you know some subjects you just can't make yourself care about it's one of those mortifying places that you and I Ollie find difficult Where people are dressed in mob caps going Forsooth, I am Lady Harriet

And yet for some reason I'm okay with Disney I don't know what that is I'm okay for someone to be a giant mouse But if they pretend to have been born just 40 years before they were I have a real issue with that Well, this one, there was quite a young guy doing a walking tour And he was like, I am Henry Adams, the main shipwright And he was alive in, I think, the 18th century.

Yes. And he was like, this is my house where I lived until I died at 93. And the children on the tour were like, well, if you're dead, how come you're here? But how come you're not a ghost? Yeah. Et cetera. It's a straightforward question. It got quite existential with this guy.

You know, who was he? How did he answer it? He hedged, but in a way that suggested that he knew that his job was inherently ridiculous. Because he also pointed at the woman wearing the mob cap up the field saying, then of course my daughter Mary, a woman at least 40 years older than him. Oh, wow. That's great. Then he said, well, I've been bathing in the river here.

Keeps my skin young. Hoo, hoo, hoo. So as experiments went then, sounds reasonable. Three out of five, perhaps, would you go away with your family again, perhaps this time next year for, I don't know, yeah yeah yeah i totally would glad to hear it i mean i've been numerous times away with my family yeah you go almost annually we were until very recently we went away annually um and i think probably looking back on it the best out of all of those or at least the one that would most fit itself into the structure of a contemporary sitcom

uh would be uh when I was about 17 we had as in myself You're not an adult when you're 17. Well it's borderline isn't it? No you're not an adult. Well we had as in my mother, my father and myself had a family holiday booked in to go to the garden route in South Africa

two months before we left my grandfather my mother's father died and so to help my bereaving grandmother get over it all... Bereaving? That's a new word. Thank you. Yeah, I was happy with it. I think we all know what it means. Bereave-edge is really what you meant. That would work too, yeah?

It would work better. Yeah, all right. Bereaving suggests you killed your grandfather to make other people bereaved. Yeah. What's pedantry called in the past tense? Same. It's not a verb. Shut up! They invited her along on the family holiday um but they didn't want to spend more money so i ended up sharing a room

with my recently bereaved grandmother um and like i say who was that worse for her or you well this is it you know there i was looking to get drunk uh skulking off with my cd player and a stack of ben folds meanwhile my grandmother bursting into tears frequently questioning the value of her own life and everything literally everything reminding her of her marriage but sharing a bit a bit of booze and benfolds might have been a balm to her soul at that point well i think we did kind of help each other in a strange sort of way we had a i think definitely more harmonious relationship weirdly than had my mother been sharing with her mother we have been on holiday with martin's parents as adults and because i hadn't been on

holiday with my own family at that point for 20 years i found going on holiday with another family very unsettling especially as martin's dad wore speedos it's lovely to be reminded how good my dad looks in a pair of speedos he is a short sleeve shirt yeah comfortable when you're on holiday with your family i'm not going to talk about my dad's penis. I wasn't asking you to talk about his penis. Maybe his general pelvic area. Basically, I'm saving that for another podcast. The podcast where finally we give you Freudian therapy.

Well, here's a question about the things we inherit from our families. Carriage clocks. Yeah, I'm looking forward to some really choice paintings. Seriously, they've got the fruit bowl thing. The fruit bowl thing? You know, the classic fruit bowl that you do in art college. Yeah. Why do you have that on your wall? So that you can be reminded what fruit looks like.

I guess. If you haven't got any in. I guess. Phil says, I have been blessed in many ways. I'm 6'3", I'm athletic, and I'm not awful looking. Congratulations, Phil. Blessed. Are you single? I have 20-20 vision and I'm not awful looking. Congratulations, Phil. Blessed.

Are you single? I have 20-20 vision and a clean bill of health and I've been born into a good family. It's like a Jane Austen novel from the other side, isn't it? I have a fortune of 3,000 a year. I imagine that's what Match.com would have been like in the 19th century. Recently on the podcast, he says, you talked about balding. And that is where I have lost the genetic lottery. What's wrong with balding?

A man's scalp is a marvellous shiny thing. I'm 22, continues Phil. Oh, OK, that's unfair. Yeah, that is bad, yeah. And I am definitely losing my hair at a decent rate. You could be in my family. Give it five years and I will be a full-on skinhead. As he's 6'3", fewer people will notice because he's taller.

Yeah, and also Phil, having been so blessed, probably has a magnificent skull and he'll get to show it off more. Absolutely. So, Helen, answer me this. How did you win or lose the genetic lottery? I don't know if that's for me to decide, is it? So much as the people that have to put up with me. I think think win lose or draw would have been fairer parameters on this one i think both of us have quite a few draws yes you know and and in fairness probably not that many wins

but i wouldn't know if i classify that many losses on myself okay you know i'm happy enough i can i can imagine i can imagine that there are features that i would prefer yes but i wouldn't consider them a loss not to have them. You make do, don't you? You compromise, you use your brain. Yeah, and you did inherit your mum's genetics, which are very fine, visually. Yeah, if only big tits was useful to me.

As yet, they've been a burden. I think you haven't capitalised upon them yet, because you're too modest about that glorious rack. What would you say, Helen? I suppose he's asking your favourite traits that you've inherited. I've got a big head, I quite like that I suppose I have strong facial bone structure

That's nice to know that's under there I do have a massive forehead though and I have quite crap hair I don't think you've got a massive forehead or crap hair Sort of your role to say that but well done for chipping in and saying it Well you've got a massive forehead but if you didn't have a massive forehead it would be a proportionally massive face but proportionally it's not a big forehead That's adorable saying it. Well, I mean, you've got a massive forehead, but if you didn't have a massive forehead, it would be out of proportion with your massive face. But proportionally, it's not a big forehead.

That's adorable of you. I wish I was taller, because both my parents are pretty short. Do you wish you were taller? Come on! I set that up for you. Don't celebrate. Oh, fuck, we tie five and we miss.

Hold on. One, two, three. I wish you could see this, listeners. That was tragic. Martin nearly fell off his chair. Terrible. Appalling. I wish I had more elegant limbs.

Yeah, that was the next line that Kilo sang, of course. I worry that I have inherited too much of my dad's personality because he's a real pain in the arse. Oh, yeah, but he's got a good sense of humour, though, hasn't he? Yes, I have the family GSOH. Take that sourness and make it funny. Now, what might be a win is that the family tend to live for a really long time. Like, 80s, pretty safe bet.

My dad's mother lived till 99 downside parkinson's also runs in the family so that's like a lot of decades potentially with uh debilitating and incurable condition well incurable now but of course by the time you get to 80 might be a different scenario mightn't it no one's gonna want to spend that cure on me then you'll have the last laugh um i got psoriasis not a big win win. But at the moment, thankfully, confined to my scalp. But it's elsewhere on my father. And he didn't get it elsewhere. He says until he married my mother, Ho Ho.

Because obviously it's famously stress-related. But actually, you know, he was in his mid-30s when he married my mother. So whether it's stress-related or age-related, I don't know yet. It's just waiting for you. I could, yeah, in two years' time, suddenly start getting on my elbows and things so that's not so good okay but it could be worse because that is something you can you can cover with ointments or shirts yeah but you can't cure it a bit like the parkinson's thing i suppose rather psoriasis than parkinson's so i win in the genetic lottery between us if you're choosing glass half empty guy if you're choosing one of the

peas yes you go psoriasis. I absolutely would. And I think out of the three of us, it's fair to say Martin's probably won more of the genetic lottery. You know, you're basically a good-looking man, Martin. I think people would be happy with most of your features. You've got a glorious head of hair. Yeah. Magnificent. My head of hair is my grandfather's, I think.

He sculpted him when he died. I think having hair on every other part of my body is for my dad. You're hairier than your dad because I've seen him in Speedo so I know you're hairier than him. I can grow a good beard though

and not all men can do that. I'm not showing off. That's just chance. I think despite the fact that certainly I'm not going to say something dirty here but certainly waist up

I think you've won the genetic lottery. I look at my legs I think I've got shapelier legs than you have. You've got lovely legs. You see look at the tone my calf I think is more shap the genetic lottery. I look at my legs. You what, mate? I think I've got shapelier legs than you have. You've got lovely legs, Ollie. You see, look at the tone. My calf, I think, is more shapely than Martin's.

Look at my sharp shins. I've got a bone here that you could cut fresh meat with. You both have lovely shapely legs. I'm going to say Ollie's are more in proportion with his height. Yeah. Whereas Martin has the shapely legs of a five foot six man. Look at my beautiful slender face. I'm not saying you have bad legs.

I'm saying you've got average legs. I'm saying i've got good legs i've got lovely you've got a better top half i've acknowledged as much tell you what tell you what i'll take pictures of your legs side by side okay and the listeners can decide who's got the better legs lovely come on listeners i'm seeing this trending facebook.com answer me this if you've got a question, then email your question to answer me this podcast at googlemail.com. Answer me this podcast at googlemail.com. Answer me this podcast at googlemail.com Answer me this podcast at googlemail.com So retrospectives, what historical events are we ticking off

on this week's run of Today in History? On Monday, we bring you the real story of the mutiny on the bounty. On Tuesday, the anniversary of the day somebody invented the meatball. But who? On Wednesday, the iconic British car that ripped off an iconic American car. On Thursday, how American airlines invented air miles. And on Friday, the UFO sighting that gripped colonial America. We discuss this and more on Today in History with The Retrospectors. Ten minutes each weekday, wherever you get your podcasts.

Here's a question from Richard from Bath, who says, As you do. Watching the Commonwealth Games just makes me want to eat more cake. I've absolutely no desire to then go out and compete on any kind of level. Well, what are they doing? Swimming? Maybe I'll go and drink chocolate milkshakes in the bath. Anyway, Richard continues. During the walk through the Cotswold Hills, I made

sure I was constantly checking my trusty OS map of the area. That's ordnance survey, isn't it? That's ordnance survey, yes. For those of you who thought that OS always meant operating system. Or old Sanokins from my old school. I get the OS newsletter once a year. I'm sure there's literally a couple of people listening who thought it might mean that.

Yes. It made me wonder, continues Richard, about how these maps are made. I don't know when the first OS map was published. Do you feel a question coming on? I suspect I do. Can't see where it's going. Can't see where this is going to come from. Something about hiking blisters. But I imagine, continues Richard, they didn't have aerial photography at the time.

And these maps are remarkably accurate, showing even the smallest stream and copse of trees. So, Helen, answer me this. When was the first OS map published and how are they so accurate? Did they send a man with an altimeter and a notebook over every square mile of Britain or do they have more sophisticated methods? No's pretty much that yeah at the time because they were making these in the 18th and 19th century wow you're right they did not have aerial photography then and even when they were making the a to z i read a very good book about the making of the a to z called mrs p's journey by sarah hartley if you're interested she walked

tens of thousands of streets in london and then did all these calculations to make sure all the angles were accurate. So even though London was smaller, when Mrs P was making the A to Z, mapping was bloody hard work. And this, yeah, it was absolutely gruelling, apparently. Men walked hundreds of miles in a really short time to draw up these things. And actually, this is going to sound like a very naive question, but really, how important was it to mark down the altitude of every hill? you probably could have got away with it if you're a few meters out well this is it i mean couldn't you just indicate it's a hill i mean actually is it that i understand

nerdishly especially from the point of view of these kind of anarchy men it's important to catalog everything but actually how important is it for the user to have that level of detail on ordnance survey maps remember they've got the little thin lines denoting gradients. So when they're really close together, it's a steep gradient. Yeah. If you're committing to that level of mapping... Then be precise. It's not a job to be half-assed, is it?

There's a really important application to that, actually. So a friend of mine went on this course on night navigation. So if you're someone who's into climbing mountains, especially places like Scotland, which are always wet, often stormy, you can very easily find yourself at night. The night's drawn in, you haven't got home, or fog comes in, you can't see where you're going. So you have to navigate by the slope.

And you don't want to get yourself in a position where you're about to walk off a cliff, basically, if there's zero visibility. It's extraordinary, isn't it, that people still do that for fun? I get that people did it before Google Maps. And before Netflix. But now there is Netflix. But now when you're...

No, but I go for walks. I like going for walks. But if I get lost, it's amazing to use my smartphone and realise, oh, I'm here. But you can't do that in the middle of a Scottish mountain, I don't think. The reception's a bit iffy. But people go orienteering, don't they, for fun? Oh, my God.

That's the reason people do it, is they like using maps. They go on trials in cars as well, because they like using maps. It's because people other than you like using their brains all the time. I can't imagine it. The thing I dislike about OS maps is, firstly, at school, we were forced to learn all of the symbols, even though we never ended up ever using an OS map. Secondly, impossible to fold.

Yes, once unfolded... Never folded again. It's not going back in. Which, when you're in a high wind outside, it's not that great. They're available online as well. They have a whole copyright. Okay, but they weren't when they first came about, which is Richard's question.

The reason why they decided they needed maps of this detail was after the Jacobite rebellion in Scotland of 1745. And so they wanted the military to understand the terrain so that that couldn't happen again. It was very strategic. And they were also worried. And so then a guy called William Roy, an engineer, was charged with doing this survey,

but he died before it was finished. So I don't think there was really an OS map until 1801 when the first one-inch scale map of Kent was published. Why Kent? I think because it was vulnerable to invasion from France and the French Revolution was in full swing then and they thought that it might get across the English Channel and they had to really up the defences. I personally, however precise the mapping, am someone who does not enjoy navigation in any

of its forms. Are you really someone who comprehends maps? You've probably got a small hippocampus. I think the problem is, I am dyspraxic I think. I'm so malcoordinated and I have no sense of direction. And distances, like the Lenker thing seems to fox you as well.

It's all coming out today, isn't it? Things that Ollie can't do. But shapely legs to do them with. Let the listeners decide about that. You also have long, elegant fingers. Basically, if any of my carers or guardians had Hansel and Gretel style left me abandoned in a forest, I would die then.

Like, there's no option for me to find even a house with a weird pinot in it. I'd just die. And you'd eat the trail. I'd... Yeah. Martin has taken up monitoring the local bat population. Someone had to.

No, they didn't. No. Actually, that's bat population. Someone had to. No, they didn't. No, actually, that's true. No one had to. Because there are bats in Crystal Palace Park, which is exciting. In London Park, to have bats, very thrilling. They're really nice, actually. Sure.

Martin knows this because he's been eavesdropping upon them. He has bought bat monitors. So my understanding of this, Martin, is you've got this, it's essentially a microphone. Of course, if you were going to have a hobby, it would involve pointing a mic at something. Or is it more like an amp? Well, it's technically a heterodyne bat detector.

In English? It's not the same microphone with a beat frequency. It translates bat noise into understandable by human ear noise, correct? Da-da-da-da-da-da-da, bat noise! And you point your microphone with a stupid name at them. And then, this is very clever, right? The science then takes the tone that they're speaking to each other in and lowers it so the human ear can hear it.

That's a good description. Which I get, and is an amazing tool and very cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Once you've done that, once you've heard the bat talking... Yeah, yeah. You still don't speak bats, remember? What do you do then? Do you just think, oh, wow, I've heard a bat?

Well, I'm quite interested in what sort of psychoacoustic effects it could have by recording them in stereo. So as they fly past, obviously you can hear the signal as it goes past. There's Doppler shift and there's a sort of left to right pattern. So I'm interested in seeing whether you can recreate the bat experience in the privacy of your own home. No, no, you can't recreate the bat experience in our own home, Martin. Well, I've yet to discover that.

With what? Recreate it with your music, for example. He's going to start sleeping on the ceiling. Ladies and gentlemen, may we present to you The Intermission. Today, brought to you by Answer Me This, episode 95. Available to buy at answermethisstore.com

Stephen in Dublin says, I recently started yoga. Good heavens. Yeah. Following nagging. He's implying female nagging, I think. I think nagging is pretty much always female, isn't it? It's pretty much, isn't it? To try it, you might like it.

Yeah, but you're not going to try everything that people are going to say that because they're going to say that about heroin aren't they and yeah but that depends who

you're mixing with having a dildo in your ear no one's ever said that to me Ollie I've got this dildo do you want to put it in your ear

alright then oh shit you got me you totally got me I brain dildo'd you I am such an idiot I have been brain dildo'd dildo brain give me those sweet

sexy questions, listeners, and give them to me in your own voice using our phone number, which is... 0208 123 58 007 Or you can Skype answer me this. Ollie will still get off on that. But to a lesser degree. This is Andy Simpson from Stirlingshire. Hello, Ollie.

Answer me this if the human body was regarded as a prime source of meat what would be the best cut i haven't eaten human meat but i'm going to guess that as with other animals you want a decent amount of fat so that the meat's flavorsome and not tough so i'm going to guess that maybe the buttocks yeah you've got the gluteus maximus muscle you have a decent layer of fat it's rump the animal that most often cannibals compare human meat to is pig chicken uh yes although uh william seabrook who wrote a book called jungle ways about his experiences in africa in the 1920s said that it tastes like no other meat he's ever eaten except veal, but stringier.

That guy was really weird. Yeah. Because he never went to prison for being a cannibal. I think he was just... It was fine as long as you're a rich white man and you couldn't get into trouble for anything. Like an intrepid travel journalist. You know, like the equivalent of Bear Grylls or something.

Wait, under what circumstances did he... He went to a lab where there was a dead person and asked, convinced the medical student or the authorities if he could taste a bit. Was his attitude that, well, I'm in Africa, so they all eat corpses here? Kind of, yeah. Like, let's explore the world, let's do something a bit different.

So he was a racist as well as a psychopath? Well, it was just the style of the time. Although, now we have that testimony, I suppose, you know, it means something, doesn't it? It tastes a bit like veal. I wonder if what the meat tastes like actually depends what we've been eating because animal cultivation methods have changed factory farm things won't taste the same as non-factory farmed human exactly people buy corn-fed chicken milk-fed veal don't they and actually free range things with muscles right so with humans as well like the racial stereotype apparently that japanese

people say about us is that we smell of dairy um you know we say racistly about french people they smell of garlic but there's some truth in it isn't there that certain things if you eat them are going to come out in the taste of your flesh okay and i wonder whether um actually therefore it depends which human you're eating and what they've been eating as to which the tastiest bit would be. Armin Mues, the German cannibal, said that it was like pork but more bitter. And again, stringy. So I wonder whether the problem is the way you cook it as well. Maybe human meat doesn't respond well to slow stewing.

Maybe you have to sear it or something. Well, consensus seems to be pork. If the consensus is pork, then surely the best meat would be the same as on a pig. Okay, so belly, sausage as well. Exactly. And actually, if you look back to the serial killers who have Sweeney Todd style served up human meat for public consumption as a way of disposing of the bodies. Were they good cooks though? Armand Mews sounded like a pretty good cook.

He had it with Brussels sprouts and a special sauce and stuff. Some of them, they're not going to cook it with any kind of regard for excellence of flavour and texture. Would you need to hang it for a while? Well, I was wondering that as well. I think cheek might be good. So I reckon there you've got the layering of fat and muscle. And it's not going to be tough muscle like thigh muscle probably

would, or calf. Yeah. I get the exclamation of hating animal heads. I think I'd struggle with that. Tongue would be nice though. Well, on the subject of food, here's a question from Michael, who says, I've recently heard that. Tongue would be nice though. Well, on the subject of food, here's a question from Michael who says, I've recently heard that strawberries kept in a fridge with milk will make the milk go off. I've also heard that this is a common belief, not just made up on the spot. I can't find anything either backing this notion up or debunking it.

And it might depend on if the milk's in an airtight plastic bottle. But Helen, answer me this. Do strawberries make milk go off and if so why this is like being the shaman or something i think it's not a ridiculous question at all really i think even if helen is about to disprove you know the fact that it exists and that it is a myth i think it's exactly in line with the kind of things you hear about fruit and veg that is entirely true well like bananas making other things ripe and quicker because they release um was it ethylene did you see that supermarket secrets thing no that was there was a bit i'm not normally into this kind of bbc one prime time factual entertainment type show but

there was one with greg wallace that was on this week it was all about how supermarkets preserve their food which actually i am really into they said if you've got an unripened apricot put it in a bag with a banana and the apricot or just some of them you can put in a bag on their own and the ethylene gas will get trapped in there and they'll ripen anyway. Yeah, Martin, now what's a myth? Now what's stupid? Here's a crazy thing I read as well.

If you put unripe fruits like mangoes into a bin of rice, that will help them ripen a lot quicker. Now I know that you're supposed to put a wet mobile phone into rice to make it dry out yeah didn't know that about mangoes probably similar principle though a gas trap of some sort but regarding this strawberry thing i tried many different combinations of words in google could not find anything about it at all and just off the top of my head i can't think of any reason why this would be the case because strawberries are not that gassy or powerful they'd have to

release such a potent gas that only affected the milk and didn't kill everything else in your fridge it would be the idea is quite like if you've got something in rice rice is absorbent of water you surround something in rice it's going to absorb water that kind of makes sense to me but the idea that strawberries have got this pungent anti-milk agent it's nuts and and milk is in a bottle and also how would you know that it was definitely the strawberries not the other things in your fridge? Have you done a randomised control trial? Get back to us on that, Michael.

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You can rejig it with a simple crack of the whip. Simple shake of the hand. Not a literal whip crack, right? It's only a matter of time before they innovate on that, Helen. Their templates are very clever as it is. Here's a question from Nick. A timely question about this season of weddings. Yeah, although apparently more weddings happen in November than July. innovate on that helen their templates are very clever as it is here's a question from nick a timely question about this season of weddings yeah although apparently more weddings happen

in november than july is that true yeah it's probably cheaper that's a great statistic if that's true that's like my strawberry statistic i love it greg wallace could base the whole show around that he says helen answer me this Has there been any research into bouquet throwing at weddings? And how reliable is the outcome in terms of predicting the next marriage? Can't answer the second because I don't think there has been the first. Because this would require very long-term research over a great number of people to be at all scientifically accurate. And I don't think it's important enough that most people could stand spending their entire adult lives working on this issue well may i say as someone who works in news radio uh that uh the motivation behind interesting statistics is not necessarily that people want

them it's usually to promote a product yeah and uh you know if there was an easy way for a company for example moss bros or something yeah it'd be a flower company probably exactly uh that could get this statistic uh then they would and in fact in fact it's not a bad idea is it if i work for match.com that's a good good call you could you could call up a wedding uh organizer company and say can we speak to your clients and just ask them how many of you caught the bouquet before you got married and then you can have a bullshit statistic it would get reported i think it's not a bad idea to do the survey i think there are a lot of problems though because a lot of people who get married may never have been in a situation where bouquet is being thrown

i i gather that it's more unusual nowadays because it's acutely embarrassing and no single women really want to be part of it and also because people get married after much longer engagements and relationships if you haven't met the guy, you might be a decade of actually sealing the bouquet deal. So there are a lot of problems, right? And bouquets are so heavy, you could knock one of the women out with it. I would like to see a You've Been Framed style montage of that happening. I actually would, yeah. Particularly if it's an old woman being hit on the head.

This is a really easy study to do. All you do is you pick a hashtag, and then when someone catches the bouquet, you get someone to tweet their name. And you collect that information, and then you just do a periodic scan through the register of marriages. And then you just start to build up the statistics. It's really easy.

Martin, we're alive. This is alive. I'm not going to spend years doing that. I've got things to do. We're not getting any younger. I've got TV to watch. I'm less surprised that this research doesn't exist than I am that there hasn't been a major Hollywood romantic comedy

in the style of 27 Dresses where someone does this research themselves as a single woman going around weddings being like, oh, it's a load of rubbish and then ends up marrying the last man she expected to. Yeah. Don't you think? A statistician.

Yeah, yeah. A match made in stats, heaven. A cynical statistician. Well, he's not cynical, but she is, because that seems modern. Oh, she's a cynical New York journalist, isn't she? Yeah. Who smokes at the beginning of the film

and has a gay friend. She doesn't smoke. Yes, she does. She doesn't drink too much. She drinks a little bit too much. And she has one-night stands, so you can tell that she's off. Yeah.

And he's like, well, statistically, you caught the bouquet, so we're going to get married in three years. And she's like, yeah, no fear, mate. You should write the dialogue. I might, actually. Yeah, OK. Who to play the lady?

Kate Hudson? If you could get Emma Stone, that would be great, but she's probably too big. You'd probably have to settle for... Holly Hunter. No, not Holly Hunter. It's always Holly Hunter. She's nearly 60, Martin.

This is more of an under-new-bust. Oh, I know who could do it. Andy Serkis. He does everything. It doesn't matter if he doesn't Look the part He'll just do it With those stupid pins

On his nose Do it all later in post Anna Kendrick would be great Because she can do romantic She can do cynical She's cute as a button Who was the statistician? You want a younger

Mark Ruffalo type Or Paul Rudd Who would be good And his career's in the right place John Oliver John Oliver as the statistician I can't see that He's too sassy

He'd be like the cynical Brother of the guy Or something They'd look the same You want a John Oliver as the sassy session I can't see that He'd be like the cynical brother Of the guy or something They'd look the same, you want a John Oliver type But I've never been at a wedding in my real life Where anyone has jostled to catch the bouquet Now as far as I recall You didn't do this tradition at your wedding I didn't have a bouquet

We've talked about this before, lots of the wedding traditions you didn't do Some of which because you're feminist Some of which because you just don't like them because actually you just don't like them yeah fine but actually what's your view on other people doing it because i do feel even in the modern world when you think it's a load of bullshit it's just a bit of fun isn't it i mean most people are doing it as a bit of fun apparently it used to be considered good luck for the bride to kiss a chimney sweep on a wedding day in britain i did do that and i gave him a blowy for extra good luck um but what do you think

of the idea of throwing the bouquet? Do you stand at the sidelines and sneer? Or do you think actually this is quite fun even though it's embarrassing? I think it'd be more fun if everyone who was single

there joined in not just the women. Yes, I agree with that. I think it's degrading if it's just women because it suggests that all women are just waiting to get married

and men aren't bothered. I think having a bouquet is quite weird because most brides are wearing dresses and shoes that are difficult to move in and you're taking your hands out of the equation.

You've got a thing you have to wrangle. It's undignified, yeah. You always have to hand it to someone else. If you were talking to people, yeah. Yeah, so I'd say maybe have something else. A knuckle duster, I don't know. Before you were married, did you used to avoid this particular event?

Yeah, the only wedding I went to as a single woman i hid literally hid i hid i literally hid why because there wouldn't be pressure on you to catch the bouquet well so you can stand there and just not make much of an effort yeah i'm bad at catching anyway because i have poor spatial awareness yeah but i think it's because i would have felt degraded by it and i was only 20 so i did not want to be the next person to get married. I would have felt it quite inappropriate to get married when I was only one year into my university education. I wanted to play the field a bit.

I wonder if, as with so many issues, our experiences on this are coloured by our fear of audience participation. Absolutely. It is that kind of event, isn't it? It's like your heart sinks when someone brings the bouquet out and you can't rest until it's done. Kate Middleton didn't throw her bouquet. Instead, it was placed at the tomb of the unknown warrior

in Westminster Abbey. I don't think he's going to get married. Well, you never know with the royal family, do you? If he's eligible. I'm sure they'll find a way. I reckon Prince Andrew would have a crack. That would be a PR too. How many social networks are you on?

Vibo, Friendster, Parkview, Porn MySpace, Ping and Google Buzz If you want to be our pal, go to this URL Facebook.com slash AnswerMeThis Or Twitter.com slash Helen and Dolly but please don't follow us in real life

Here's a question from Mark in Durham who says after a long day I need some cactelli to decompress. While Storage Hunters ticks that box with flying colours, I can't help but get a teeny bit irked about the auctioneer and his customer banter ollie answer me this why do auctioneers make weird noises really quickly when trying to sell lots it's just weird does he mean like 420 i'm bid i'm bid 420 do i hear 440 i have 440 i'm bid yes with american

auctioneers in particular it they keep repeating so even when there's not a bit that one dollar bid now two two will you give me two two balls down three now three will you give me three blah blah blah and that's like rap it it kind of is so what it is actually is it's hypnotizing the audience even in the case of storage hunters hurry hurry hurry get your money out pay more money more money money money money money exactly it's exactly that it's showmanship as well it's rhythmically implying to the congregated audience of potential buyers that the figures are going to continue going up and that the the figure that he's saying is next because he says i've got two will you give me three is going to be reached yep uh and the technical term they actually have for this is

bidding anxiety yes that's what they're trying to instill in the audience bidding anxiety you must act quickly to get this incredible special offer and if they just said right deals at 250 anyone no all right well you lose some of the pressure then to stick your paddle in the air and join in yeah and may i say i i recently went to bingo in crystal palace above a restaurant not a proper bingo hall it's very slow and i really did feel like it dissipated the tension. I wanted to gamble, damn it. I was there to win. I did win.

I won 25 quid in Sainsbury's vouchers. Congratulations. Thanks. It was my first go at bingo. I was very proud of myself. Well done. That's good work. But, you know, 40 odd minutes of a man reading out numbers.

You really want him to go 44, 31, two fat ladies, 88. You want that kind of speed. Otherwise, you might as well have just gathered together to do a sudoku yeah or data entry exactly and also of course the quicker that the auctioneers talk the more money the auction house makes thereby more commission for them so they're paying their own wages by getting through it as quickly as possible yeah also often they have a lot of lots to get through that afternoon don't they so they really need to hurry up yeah exactly yeah it's just trying to create a series of dramatic moments to hold the

ascension of the auctionees i'm surprised that ebay hasn't developed an equivalent that you can put on a soundtrack put it on your watch list you're watching eight items at the moment one of the items is gone you have missed that item one minute left is it stolen it appears to be stolen yes it definitely is stolen are you gonna buy buy it anyway Even though it's stolen? In the FAQ they say This dress is 48 inches long From the shoulder And there is mild staining

At the hips This is not a genuine Vintage garment It is reproduction Here is a question from Neil In but not from Birmingham Someone mention the Midlands You get the obligatory

Auditory release Ollie answer me this Can I get Martin to say Oh He says Ollie answer me this How much I get Martin to say, oh. He says, Oli, answer me this. How much is a brand new bus? Is it more than

a fancy sports car? How much is a fancy sports car rather than a common or garden boring sports car? I was going to say, but that's quite a difficult thing to define. Like a Porsche, I guess is something like a hundred grand, but then you can get, what's the really, really fast one that they only made like a hundred of? Like a Spyder or something? No, it begins with an M. I want to say Michelin, but obviously that's the...

Mondeo. I'd like a Porsche Mondeo, please. What's it called? McLaren, the McLaren. Yes. McLaren F1, that's like a million or two million quid. Okay. So I don't know. There's only 100 of those or something.

Let's take a median for a Porsche sports car at being somewhere between 50 and 100 grand. I think that's what most people think of as a sports car price. Like a nice MG type thing. Exactly. How much do you reckon a bus is? Open top or not? Because if we're comparing like for like, open top bus and sports car are like a nice mg type exactly how much do you reckon the bus is open top or not because if we're comparing like for like open top bus and sports car as the equivalent

i would say like a modern uh a modern route master a modern a double decker like a london red bus are we going for as the classic bus rather than a short bus i'm gonna make a pick and i'm gonna say 400k well i think i think that's probably about right, actually. And the reason I don't have a definitive answer is you can buy buses direct from Arriva. You can buy buses direct from Volvo. They're new. Don't Mercedes make some of them as well? Mercedes make coaches, I think, more than buses. But yes, I'm sure they do. But

they don't list prices on their website. You have to call and enquire. And I just wasn't prepared to pretend to be someone that wanted to buy a bus. You mean you didn't put a freedom of information request into TFL? Well, no. With the TFL issue, you raise an interesting point. So what we don't know is how much Arriva and Volvo

and the like charge you to build you a new bus. But what we do know is what the government spent, what TFL spent on the most recent route masters. The ballpark figure for 600 buses was around £180 million. That's around £300,000 each. Oh, OK. So now that's £300,000 each for a purpose-built, specially designed for Boris Rootmaster.

With new R&D to pay off. But they did build 600 of them. So I reckon, therefore, that actually a one-off bus with no special design is going to be about £400,000. Yeah, I reckon that's about right. I really wish that when they were selling off all the old Rootmasters, I'd had something like 25 grand to buy one

because that tucked in my parents' garden would be a lovely little bolt hole. Well, yes, but you've got to still insure it. Interestingly, even if it's declared off-road, you've still got to insure it because apparently people steal petrol from buses very regularly. Okay, but if there's not quite any petrol in it... People smash in windows

because they're vindictive and weird when they see a bus. But also you've got to pay the conductor every time you get on. Here on the left is Ancient Palace. This is Palace, which is very old. Here on right is Two Dogs Doing It. Oh, yes, they're having good time.

Oh, yeah, go, doggie. Oh, you like that, doggie. Oh, yeah, you still going. Oh, go, doggie. Oh, no, no. And now he finished. OK, we move on. Answer Me This Holiday.

All the fun of travelling with none of the stinky toilets or frightening food. Out now at answermethispodcast.com slash albums. Here's a question from Sammy who says, I'm a 29-year-old male mature student and I will be attending either Goldsmiths University or the University of Birmingham in September, studying English literature and creative writing full-time. So, Helen, answer me this.

What goes on at Freshers' Week? What doesn't go on at Freshers' Week? What doesn't go on at Freshers' Week? With your encyclopaedic knowledge of exactly what goes on in 2014 at the University of Birmingham in September Freshers' Week. Or Goldsmiths. Or Goldsmiths. I bought my first teapot in Freshers' Week. That's how I rolled. Eleven years later

the spout fell off. I would like to see Sir Sammy what it's all about, but I'm a little concerned. Like he's just going to stay in his room and not come out at all I'm a little concerned as to whether Mature students really are that welcome At Freshers Week Are mature students seen as a bit weird

I'm going to say yes on this I know it's not very sensitive but yes Or will I fit in I do want to join a few societies like the Atheist Society And the Skeptic Society Will I fit in okay there? Yeah, because it will all be full of misfits there. Those are full of grumpy weirdos. But you'll be probably pissed off at they're all 18 year old idealists with really hardline

politics and you'll be more scarred by life. This is all a bit daunting for me, says Sammy, as I've spent my work life from the age of 16 in the army and then behind a desk in a soul-sucking job. Well, this might all seem a bit trivial to you then. I actually remember specifically the kind of corporate takeover that was beginning to happen at Freshers' Week when we started. The student pound was being courted by various different companies, so we went to, like, the Freshers' Fair. I would say every alternate stall at the Freshers' Fair

was essentially some corporate thing trying to make you wear their brand or sign up to their graduate scheme or something. Hey, here's an Accenture mug, now sell us your soul. Yeah, there's a lot of that. And a load of pointless crap like, I got a Jack Daniels branded wooden tangram. What are tangrams for anyway? What's a tangram?

I do remember also going to the Freshers' Fair and being heavily pressured by the Tiddlywinks Society to join and I didn't. Well, you have to put pressure on in Tiddlywinks, otherwise you get no progress on the board. I just remember thinking I was going to have a really difficult time at university because I was very shy and I thought, oh, the first few weeks I'm going to really hate it. And you did. So I had this idea of if I wore the same suede jacket every day,

people would remember me because I'd be wearing the same suede jacket. Yeah, that's your branding, Martin. Wow. It's such a stupid idea. Visual iconography, for yourself. Yeah, really. People won't forget me because they probably won't remember who I am. So if I wear the same suede jacket every day, yeah. Actually, I am kind of like that when I start a stupid idea. Visual iconography, for yourself. Yeah, really. People won't forget me because they probably won't remember who I am. So if I wear the same suede jacket every day...

Actually, I am kind of like that when I start a new job. Like, I secretly... You don't change your pants or your smelly pants, Guy. No, when I'm trying to remember people in the office and I can't remember anyone's names, I will write down in my file, I'll be like, Jewish-looking guy, Greg. That's what they do at the Apple Genius Bar.

Yeah, but the last thing you want is for those people to see that yeah neurotic woman elaine well do you remember there was a guy with very strong visual branding at our college nick the stick because he used to walk around in like a green cape carrying a stick i'd forgotten about him until you just said that but yes i do on the other hand though often fresh speak is wild because it's many of these people's first taste of independence living away from home getting to make all their decisions for themselves. Maybe because Sammy's been in the army and then a soul-sucking job, it's kind of his first taste of proper liberty as well. I can't really imagine what it'd be like to have to consort with all these recent school leavers

when you're in your late 20s. I think that'd be quite trying. So maybe, Sammy, the best tactic for you is to make friends with graduate students. I was going to say say i think go to the graduate thing because there is always that sexual threesome there in any fresher event i think because there's that expectation that people have rightly or wrongly that university is partly about banging and i think if you're there they're gonna look really really young it's one thing if you were 22 23 and they were 18 then you might feel like you had the pick of the spread if you go at

this age you're gonna feel like a pedophile well of the spread. If you go at this age, you're going to feel like a paedophile. Well, Sammy, just for you, I asked my friend Ben, who, like you, went to university in his late 20s, what Freshers' Week was like, and he said, people talked up the age difference problem to me and what a nightmare I was in for, but making friends with people who were younger than me was not a problem at all. Actually, it struck me how easy and effortless people are at that age.

Lots of energy, lots of chatter. I found the only person who had a problem with my age was me. Oh, that was almost like a Springer's final thought the way you delivered that. That's how wise Ben is. Wisdom comes with age. I tried to be as open-minded as possible and went to as many interesting-sounding events right across the

university. Don't get me wrong, it was definitely challenging, recalibrating and changing expectations of self at times, but that's really what you've signed up for anyway. God, that's such a mature student way to put it, isn't it? Recalibrating expectations. I think he also worked a lot harder because he actually wanted to go rather than just going automatically straight after school. Yeah, I kind of wish I'd been a mature student, really. Because I'd go now and like, I'd rule. Well, now you'd be paying through the nose for it as well, we had it on easy street Yes you'd have to really want to be there

So I hope that's confidence inspiring For you Sammy Ben does have an extremely youthful face I don't know whether you're blessed With one of those He looks about 17 now And he's 36 Well if like Ben

You were a mature student And have some experience To share with Sammy Send it to us All of our contact details As ever are on our website AnswerMeThisPodcast.com And you should also use those contact details to send us a question.

And it remains for us to say thank you, Squarespace, for sponsoring this episode of Answer Me This. And thank you, you, for listening to it. Congratulations for that life choice. Bye!