Answer Me This! - AMT298: Henry Hoover, 'Uptown Girl' and Being Shot In The Balls

Episode Date: September 18, 2014

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Terms and conditions apply. Visit bmo.com slash theiporter to learn more. If Megan Fox and Rufus Hound bought a pub, what would they call it? Answer me this, answer me this. Chick still dig the Batmobile if I stole it. Answer me this, answer me this. Helen and Ollie, answer me this. Here at Answer Me This, we are, of course, the commuter's friend. And Dan commutes by foot.

And he says, Whilst running home from work today, it's how I commute, I wasn't scared of my employer. LOL. I was listening to an 80s versus 90s mix. Why is that versus? They're not in competition with each other, are they? That's an 80s and 90s mix. No, that versus? They're not in competition with each other, are they? That's an 80s and 90s mix.

No, there's a style of mix where people do, they suggest there's some sort of battle going on. And actually, I'm not sure who would win in those decades. 70s versus 80s, 70s would win.

Oh, no. I hate the 70s. Defo. Do you really hate the 70s, though? Yeah. Why? Disco. That musical genre

makes me more furious than virtually any other. Even more than punk that's meant to make you angry. I take your point but late period Elvis and 70s Bowie both better than

dead Elvis and 80s Bowie I would argue. But then you get the Smiths Pet Shop Boys Debbie Gibson Danny Wilson's Mary's Prayer

Dan continues It was quite a pleasant listen this 80s versus 90s mix Featuring gems by artists Such as Vengaboys Artists Yeah, not artists

We typically associate with the word pleasant Or artists Chumbawamba Artists Salt and Pepper Artists And Kenny Loggins I don't think I know any Kenny Loggins

I know he's got an amazing beard And that's as far as my internet research Was prepared to go Anyway, during mile five of my run, the classic Uptown Girl started playing. There we are. We've got to the subject of the email here. Penny Joel.

It means classic, not the Westlife cover. Yes. Even though it was very faithful to the original. I think even Westlife would acknowledge that the Joel is the standard bearer. They're not there to innovate. Dan continues. Given that I had nothing else to focus on during my run, I listened to the lyrics of Uptown Girl for perhaps the first time ever and paused for thought when Billy starts talking about his

Uptown Girl's white bread world. Great theme park. You should go on the crust. It's terrifying. I know it's been 30 years since the track came out, says Dan, but has white bread ever stood as a status symbol? Because if it's not white bread, as in B-R-E-A-D, and is in fact white bread, as in B-R-E-D, white bread world, then the song takes on a much more unpleasant tone. I don't know. Maybe it's a legitimate satire to make.

So, Helen, answer me this. Does Billy Joel associate white bread with the higher classes of the New York 80s scene, or is he just a big, dirty piano-playing racist? Well, maybe he wasn't the racist, but he's making a point that she's from a very racially homogenous world, whereas his downtown people are more ethnically mixed. This song is quite 50s inflected isn't it it's fair to say and at the time white bread was a huge novelty because it was processed processed foods were really in in the 50s oh so what were the proles eating in 1950s america rough peasanty brown bread really yeah and then like all these things the pasta filters down and then becomes

common and then you get the swing back up to artisanal bread and so he is signifying you think that in the 1950s if you were saying someone was from a white bread world even if people didn't actually say that uh the suggestion is they're from a rarefied culture yeah there's also a lot of connotations of white bread when it first came out aren't they like sort of it's probably sliced maybe the crust cut off it's very particularness very pure yeah purity homogeneity but also uh sort of control and properness, propriety. Blandness. And he wants to stick his sausage in it.

But apparently he wrote this song for his girlfriend of the time, Elle Macpherson, who's Australian. I don't know whether she would count as an uptown girl. Billy Joel with Elle Macpherson. I know. How does he do it? Shortly after he was going out with her,

he married Christy Brinkley. How does he do it? He's just like a little potato that knows about three chords. What could have attracted those beautiful women to multi-millionaire Billy Joel? Dan continues. Another track has caught my ear. 500 Miles by The Proclaimers.

June. Helen asked me this. What the fuck is Haver? As in, if a Haver, no one's gonna be the one who's heifering to you I think I thought that meant be sick like heave

like heave yeah no I thought it was a Scot saying if I drink too much beer and inevitably spew up all over the place I want to be the one

doing it at your feet no what's he saying I don't think Scotland had the buckfast problem that it has now when the claimers wrote this song

he's free the buckfast epidemic well heifer is in Scottish dialect it means to talk nonsense or babble. So I guess the implication there is a man who's driven to incoherence by love. But in English, it means to vacillate.

So it's like, if I'm vacillating about whether to be with you, know that at least it's about you, not about someone else. So maybe both those interpretations work in the context of the song. No, but they're basically folk songwriters from Scotland, aren't they, the Proclaimers? So they wouldn't have considered the English meaning short. I think also if someone was willing to walk 500 miles

and 500 more, they would have already really set their heart on someone. They wouldn't be vacillating. Well, here is another question of song lyrics from Mr Pineapples who says, Ollie, answer me this, when James Brown says, take me to the bridge, what bridge is he referring to? And why does he want to go there?

Let's take it to the bridge, not take me to the bridge What's he taking to the bridge then? It's not a sack full of kittens, is it? It's the bridge between verse and chorus Another musical reference to this, Robbie Williams saying And that's a good line, to take it to the bridge In what was that song? Strong, I think

But actually in the case of James Brown, he was the band leader So actually it's not just there for effect like it is in williams song because they couldn't think of a lyric to put it is actually when he'd say on stage take it to the bridge they were like okay we've been playing the same bar for 70 minutes now and that is what it's like if you ever went to see james brown i had the misfortune of doing that oh it's interminable yeah but you didn't see him at peak james brown did you you saw him at almost almost yeah james brown true but like everyone else in the audience seemed to still think it was amazing i went to see him supporting the red hot chili peppers in about 2001 i can understand why they would want him but yeah for him money i guess

but yeah he still did the whole act like he did the whole act where he did this thing where he like collapses on the floor someone else someone else comes out and gives him a cape and then he puts the cape on and then he sits down he just says his name a lot like jason brown james brown he gets everyone to shout it and i'm like i know who you are mate do something i was so boring anyway when he says take it to the bridge you're like thank god for that because if he's singing sex machine all it means until you until he says take it to the bridge all you've heard yeah all you've heard 20 minutes is that. Just that for 20 minutes.

He's driving you absolutely insane. Maybe he couldn't remember what was next. I just hate funk. I really hate funk. It's not as bad as disco. You're the whitest people alive. Honestly, it was so boring. Give the guy a break.

He's the godfather of soul. Yeah, well. If James Brown is the godfather of soul, who is the father? And who is the mother of soul? Because he wouldn't get to the godfather of soul yeah well if james brown is the godfather of soul who is the father and who is the mother of soul because he wouldn't get to be godfather if the mother and father of soul hadn't had the child soul and then invited him to the christening oh i see what you mean yeah collins and uh i don't know solomon burke and baby washington that's they're pretty good parents well i don't know actually i did see live and he was amazing he did almost exactly the same act as james brown but i really enjoyed it i don't know what the difference was when an old

man is singing about sex and not love not romance but actual physical fucking it's a bit weird like um when i saw barry manilow he kept doing um sort of crotch waving oh no and are you sure that was voluntary though not kind of tick it was but was but he had a smile on his face As if to say look I know I'm too old for this But hey let's do it And so it was funny the first time Old people still have sexual feelings I know but no one fancies Barry Manilow

No that is true And of course the women fans in the audience Were screaming you know of obligation Give it to me Barry I'm moist for you It was kind of funny It was iron of funny. It was ironised, I guess. But the point was he did it probably half a dozen times in the concert.

And by the end, you're just like, stop it. Because what we're doing is we're supporting a fantasy now for you. For Barry? Yeah. Rather than all of us sort of joining in on the jokes that, you know, you're perhaps not as sexually virile as you'd like. The joke was kind of, well, it wasn't a joke anymore. It was just like, look at my sexy willy. this podcast at googlemail.com answer me this podcast at googlemail.com now I'm thinking seriously though, go back to your own country

that's what we're all thinking isn't it? it's got a question, I ain't got no questions don't look at me, shut your mouth so retrospectives, what historical events are we ticking off on this week's round of Today in History? on Monday we bring you the real story of the mutiny on the bounty. On Tuesday, the anniversary of the day somebody invented the meatball, but who? On Wednesday, the iconic British car that ripped off an iconic American car. On Thursday, how American airlines invented air miles.

And on Friday, the UFO sighting that gripped colonial America. We discuss this and more on Today in History with The Retrospectors. Ten minutes each weekday, wherever you get your podcasts. Question from Will, who says, My lovely wife and I have recently moved into a tween new house by the seaside. In doing so, we received from my in-laws the very rock and roll gift that

is a vacuum cleaner. Oh, well, that's a good gift. You need one. Practical. Durable. Yep. You can hoover out that sand that you track in from the seaside. Salt. It's a Henry, in fact. Oh, well. Personable as well, then.

Yeah. Friendly as well as durable and practical. Good present. If people somehow have never met Henry Hoover before, little wheelie Hoover with a happy face on it. With a face on it. Yes. And he sports a beaming grin, says Will,

so he hasn't got one of those grumpy Henrys. Just sucks up your dust balls and then chokes them out all over your clean floor. Actually, that's the next logical step for the company to evolve, isn't it? Henry that looks a bit pissed that you're sucking in a load of dust through his nose. Will says, aside from Henry's cheerful smile, I associate Henry and, of course, his eyelust co-worker Hetty and presumed arch-rival Harry with professional applications. I've certainly seen henry's in the wild in schools village halls offices and such places as such i think of henry as a professional tool i think you're a professional tool mate jesus sorry as much as a consumer home appliance

i don't think you're a consumer home appliance but i guess that professional cleaners and caretakers are the last people that need a smiley face anthropomorphised tool to help them get their job done. Indeed, it could even be deemed a little patronising to the profession. I would have guessed the red face vacuum's HEPA flow filtration technology and one docking storage function is enough to sell the product to the pros. So, Ollie, answer me this. Why did the pneumatic company put a smiley face on a vacuum cleaner aimed at professionals, or at least adults? And how, in an age where brands are constantly updated and tweaked to keep pace with modern styles and attitudes, does this rather archaic-seeming piece of product styling

remain largely unchanged? Well, hold on for just a split second here. Which other Hoover are we on first-name terms with, Will? Exactly. Well, I just called it a Hoover. That's another brand, but it's the generic term, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. I mean, everyone likes an anthropomorphic robot. it doesn't matter what level of professional engagement you have what if these

are just an early generation terminator i think there's like a turf war with the room bars i think also there's a sense of it being your friend you know if you're cleaning an office building in the middle of the night and no one else around yeah perhaps you've got the likes of us for company in your ears but it's nice to have a little creature following you around with a smiley face. Maybe Will should be asking, not this, but why are not more things decorated with a smiley face? Yeah. There's a Venezuelan cafe in Crystal Palace that on the breakfast, it draws a little smiley face on the corn cake.

It's always fun, isn't it? It is fun. I'm smiley face or cock and balls, but, you know, harder to sell that into the professional industry. I'll go to a cafe that put a cock and balls on my omelette. Yeah, but would you want a giant dick to be hoovering up around you? Yeah. Or following you around?

Absolutely. Not sure. Does that include you? I think the point is, you might, but if you were a resources manager for KPMG, you'd probably choose a Dyson, wouldn't you? I don't know. If you're a resources manager for KPMG,

you might still have a saucy side. Anyway, the reason that Henry has a smiley face upon him is because when Pneumatic first went to a trade show with their exciting, but nonetheless quite homogenous brand of suction in Lisbon in 1981, they weren't getting a huge amount of traction, but one of the designers who was there doodled a smile on the front of one of the vacuum cleaners completely impulsively and that evening when the public came through the

trade show it was the smiling vacuum cleaner that was getting mobbed by the public people wanted a picture taken with it they were like oh that's really funny just a doodle on the side of a henry and what we now know as a henry and that so a brand was born people were so easy to please back then weren't they all you did is a hoover and a shopping yeah but they're members of the public at a vacuum cleaning trade show i mean you know they're probably quite easily pleased anyway it's probably like sensory deprivation isn't it going to a vacuum cleaning trade show but they've never looked back which is just as well because henry is physically incapable of doing so uh and they're still being made at a rate of four and a half thousand units a day wow and they are still which is a good thing and I didn't realise, made in the UK.

Not design and research in the UK like Dyson but actually all made here in Britain. Whereabouts? They've been in Croucourne, they've been in Yeovil and they've been in Beeminster. I can't remember where they are now. Is it legal to marry a Henry? I don't see why not. Well, I can see why not but... I want to know about the extended

family. Right. Yes. So, well, that takes us back to Yeovil, actually, and their factory there, so company myth goes. Is there a factory tour where the Henrys can actually speak and they're sentient, as there ought to be? Not to my knowledge. When they were in Yeovil, which is next to a river, where the factory was,

apparently the river swelled one day, as rivers do. And all the Henrys drowned. And all the Henrys drowned. And this is apparently the reason that Pneumatic gave for then creating a Henry that would work

with water and wet surfaces as well yeah but that's not going to save a river is it no you can't have a river but it was inspiration for them realising that you know

they've created this good vacuum cleaner but it doesn't cope with wet so they created I think the first spin-off which was possibly George I'm not sure there's also James, Charles

and Hetty the spray mop. This is like Tom's the tank engine. But are they all just hoovers that are different colours? They're all subtly different, but they all have different powers of suction. Some of them can handle wet as well as dry surfaces. But the reason that you see Henry and Harry and Hetty the most... Hetty is just the female equivalent of Henry, so that's just a personal branded gender-based choice.

Yes. Harry does slightly more or something slightly different. I think maybe he copes with the wet as well. Hetty is just the female equivalent of Henry so that's just a personal branded gender-based choice. Harry does slightly more or something slightly different. I think maybe he copes with the wet as well. But the reason you see those the most is because those are the ones that are sold in the mainstream stores, your home-based supermarkets. But the full range is available to domestic professionals and office cleaners and so on. And the reason for that is partly related to the fact

that they are based in the UK. It's that they can make to order. Wow. Because they are available to very quickly turn over up to 5,000 different product line variations on their Hoovers. Jesus. Whereas obviously if you're making them in China and shipping them over, you don't have that flexibility. So that's why they are the cleaning professional's favourite. And have they not done that thing like Nike do where you can customise your own trainers from a set of pre-ordained options whereby you can go on their website order your customized

ollie hoover with similar hair to you in a pair of glasses and and a t-shirt it's a bloody good idea isn't it because they could charge about 300 quid per hoover extra couldn't they and also i'd be willing to put that that's not a product it would be embarrassing to associate yourself with as a brand if we could have helen and ollie martin hoovers people wanted to support the podcast chuck 100 quid our way by paying through that i think a lot of people would prefer listening to the hoovers and your girlfriend might prefer cuddling up to the ollie hoover well who's to say she doesn't i work five nights a week now yeah because you've got a henry haven't you no we had a henry okay so at least she's not been seeing him behind your back while you're out at work at night but um now we have um uh well because i'm a gadget columnist i get

sent hoovers uh i've just been sent actually by irobot the new roomba 880 i don't remember the film irobot really featuring electronic hoovers uh so it's a robot you know and it's um it's phenomenally powerful i don't know if i'd pay what i think it's something like 600 quid to buy which is a lot yeah but it's like having a pet that cleans up rather than makes mess well i was thinking about this it does have that robocop terminator vibe to it rather than the friendly anthropomorphic nature of a henry or hetty and actually i i'm surprised they haven't put a smiley face on it because you look at it going around and it's autonomous but it's a bit threatening it's not that friendly yeah but i bet people have designed rumba covers so that you can make your rumba look like a little pet animal of some sort.

Trilobite? What's that? Oh, it's like a prehistoric animal, but I was thinking what animal could make it look like? Because it's a flat disc, essentially. Yeah, yeah, that's right. But trilobite, you know, like a horseshoe crab. Oh, those are horrible. That would be a good look, wouldn't it?

What a giant spider. People would love that. Or could you make it look like Pac-Man? That'd be nice. Yeah. Because you've got the circular thing, you'd have to have the black where the mouth was to indicate what's behind it. But then from looking down on it,

that would look like Pac-Man eating your dust, wouldn't it? That's a good idea. Quite good. But it got stuck under my sofa. Aww. So it's quite good in a way that it can get under the sofa,

but, you know, they've got design that gets all the way through. No use getting halfway through and flopping out, is there? Do you feel like you ought to be feeding it or anything like that?

Giving it pats? Job well done, Rumba. Feed it your toenailsails sit on my lap while we listen to desert island discs together well now it's time for today's intermission featuring a snippet from one of the many classic episodes of answer me this available for a pittance right now at answer me this store.com and this clip is from episode 66 do you think in the intervening six years since we did it, the questionnaire ever found his answer? I really hope so. I hope so too, Martin.

His name is Richard. He's from Halifax. And he says, answer me this. Will you help me find a girl I saw on holiday? I think I fell in love with her and want to talk to her. It was at the Maharaba Palace in Tunisia on the

weekend before episode 64. Well, we don't even know what date that is, Richard. You are dating the Christian calendar by the issue of Answer Me This episode. Well, it needed updating. If you saw a young man from Halifax, you were making eyes across the Maharaba Palace in Tunisia,

be in touch. Answer Me This podcast at googlemail.com. That's like that column that they have in the London paper saying, Hi, girl with the long plaits, I saw you on the Northern Line the other day. Do you want to talk to her then?

And stop ending every message with drink? Question mark. It's the only way we know how to behave, Helen. Lack of imagination is not going to reel in those girls. Listeners, delight us please by calling in with your questions the number to dial is this

or you can skype answer me this if that's your bag ends up in the same place so we're not particular this is joe in seattle uh so you know how when like an actor or actress is in a movie and they have to like gain weight or lose weight or whatever, or like get in shape, like get big biceps and shit. Like, is that in a contract that says you have to have like biceps that are eight inches around or something like that? And if so, like how do do they how do they define like legally in a contract how that how to decide if someone is has gotten into the shape that is desired it's very hard to say the actors and the studios are not that open about what's actually in the contract but you do hear anecdotally things like uh for the

lovely bones ryan gosling was originally cast as the dad in the lovely bones and without discussing it with peter jackson he decided that the dad had to weigh 210 pounds so he went away and put on 60 pounds by drinking liquid ice cream then he turned up on set and peter jackson was like that's not the direction we were going for. You're fired. That's bizarre, isn't it? If you've cast an actor because they look a certain way and then they interpret on themselves

that this is the way they should turn up on set. But Ryan Gosling, I can understand that they needed to age him up a bit because at the time I think he was only in his late 20s and he was playing the father of teenagers. But you'd think they could have had a conversation about it first. They cast Marky Mark in the end

and he looks pretty thin in the Google images I've seen from the film. Haven't seen the film. I think it would be odd for there not to be some films where it's so important to the story that this isn't contracted. Because, I mean, they contract everything else. It's probably not legal, is it?

Of course it is. Because often with nude scenes, it literally says, you know, they will show the top half of their right nipple and any more of that we're going to see. That kind of detail. You can't contract and say the actor will weigh 185 no you can and they used to be really strictly contracted like in baywatch it was in their contracts they couldn't gain or lose more than

five pounds otherwise that's a good example exactly but that totally makes sense because they're not there for their acting ability and if you're casting someone as say superman and they were like right you need to lift weights for six months because otherwise you're not going to look very muscly then if they turned up and they looked a bit doughy and out of shape then you couldn't make the right film there's a big difference between saying we kind of want someone who's going to end up looking like dean kane and you will be 185 pounds or you will get sacked but i think that is what happens but they don't necessarily like to talk about it but in weight loss they have to be really careful because i think that puts even

more strain on the actor's body because they sometimes lose the like 50 pounds in a month yeah well particularly actors who you know are quite a fragile beast generally speaking anyway and they have eating disorders as it is for them to have got made it in hollywood so this is the thing it will be in their contracts that they have to do it with proper medical support because obviously the studios doesn't want to be liable for them to have heart damage and brain damage and muscular wastage and so on but i don't think they can still protect them from you know just starving themselves and just living off cigarettes and speed tablets and going a bit valley of the dolls the personal trainer of ryan reynolds great character actor says that for

action films like blade and the green lantern he was 200 pounds and 8% body fat. But for romantic comedies, he's 180 pounds and 11% body fat. So a bit softer, but lighter. There's no way that that isn't contracted for. The most extraordinary contract negotiation that I've heard about recently is apparently following the death of Philip Seymour Hoffman and the fact that they had to digitize him

in the final version of the Hunger Games movie. No, apparently he's not digitized. They're using footage that they shot for other things in the hunger games but they're recontextualizing it but nonetheless because that was part of the discussion of what they might do they were discussing in hollywood putting into people's contracts that before you commit to a massive multi-million dollar franchise like that with several installments yeah you agree to be motion captured in case you die so that they can complete the films. That sort of is saying that in the future they could make a film with someone in it

who was dead 50 years ago, which is really weird, isn't it? Well, I find that weird now with adverts that have got footage of people like Marilyn Monroe or Audrey Hepburn advertising products. Like, what if Audrey Hepburn doesn't want to advertise Galaxy from beyond the grave? But there's two things going on there. One is they're only able to do that

by paying for the rights to use Audrey Hepburn's image to someone. So that's either her estate or the film company that made the film and she signed over her rights for that. So you were kind of prepared for that. Yeah, but it's completely recontextualising it. If she's like,

I've signed up for a five picture deal with Warner Brothers. She's still signed and said they own this footage. So that's one thing. And the other thing is, at least in the advert, it's almost a joke.

Like they're almost ironising. Look what we can make audrey hepburn do they're not pretending that audrey hepburn actually likes the product yeah but they are they sort of are but it's a you watch it and you think wow that looks just like audrey hepburn shot an advert for that company it's different if they're actually in a film i'm appalled but that's probably because it's a new a new thing i think maybe in five or ten years time when that kind of digital manipulation has become commonplace it won't be ironized. It will just be like, oh look here's Elvis and Audrey Hepburn selling Diet Coke.

The king of crazy weight change in Hollywood is Christian Bale of course, isn't it? He gains it, he loses it. He apparently ate a can of tuna and an apple per day when he was losing weight from The Machinist. That was his diet. What I read about The Machinist for which he lost I think he decided he was going to lose The Machinist. That was his diet. What I read about The Machinist, for which he lost...

I think he decided he was going to lose 40-odd pounds and he lost 20 more pounds than that. It was that they didn't even ask him to do it. He decided that's what the character needed. That is pretty wacky, isn't it? To go down to eight stone as an adult man. And I wonder whether, after his Oscar nomination, that was part of the reason why Matthew McConaughey

did Dallas Buyers Club. Because there you've got a script which calls for you to lose weight. Well, you know that you're going to get a nomination. nomination that was part of the reason why matthew mcconaughey did uh dallas buyers club because there you've got a script which calls for you to lose weight well you know that you're going to get a nomination yeah especially as it's a true story you always get one if you change your body to play a real person like like uh charlie's theron yeah will smith in alley jared leto lost a lot of weight as well for dallas buyers club he gained 70 pounds to play mark chapman killer of john lennon in chapter 27 and he got gout. Oh, really? I mean, that is an unusual disease for a young actor to suffer from.

I sort of feel that all of these actors are a bit in hop to Robert De Niro in Raging Bull, because that was the first time I heard of an actor putting on lots and lots of weight, and obviously if you watch the film, most of it he's an athlete, and at the end of it he's this big fat guy. And it is an incredible transformation,

mostly done, I think, without make-up. But then again here we are like speculating about these actors if they're another species of person i've lost three stone in the last year for a job because i went to do a pilot for a quiz show i didn't think twice about it was like oh okay well if they want me to look a bit thinner i'll just lose some weight and actually in a way sometimes you kind of think well this is a really good job and it's an opportunity for me to lose weight not to be skeletally thin but actually actually i imagine a lot of actors quite like the um permission to go on a diet eating disorders and use drugs well to say to their friends the reason i'm losing weight is for this role scorsese says i have to have a salad and for an actor though those roles where you have to gain weight must be initially just great fun because

you're like wow i'm gonna eat 10 000 calories today having eaten less than that in the last week yeah i heard someone talking about that who said it really wasn't fun after about day two yeah after yeah of course after two days you're gonna feel sick as hell yeah but because like first day you're like burger and you put macaroni cheese on top of the burger double bacon it's for work yeah yeah and then day two you just feel physically sick well here is another question about physique in film from simon from lee he would like to specify that he was formerly Simon from Kendall and Simon from York because he moves around a lot.

Wow. Round, round, round, round. Simon gets around. Simon says, hands on your head, there is a cliche in action movies where the good guy will get shot and seem to be dead

only for the viewer to find out later who's actually only shot in the shoulder. The implication is that he will make a full and swift recovery and he's usually well enough to have an epilogue conversation with his partner while sat in the ambulance with a light bandage over his wound. Ollie answered me this.

If someone did get shot in the shoulder, would they be well enough to have a heartwarming conversation just a few minutes later in a bumpy ambulance as well? I actually reject the nature of this question because you're looking to see whether a certain element of action movie cliché is plausible when what you're not asking is what about the preceding three hours of film how comes bruce willis is still alive at this point anyway how come they can just shoot 300 people with no remorse or apparent problem simon's qualms include the following would being shot in

the shoulder not leave permanent nerve damage and potentially the loss of use of the hand or arm as well as breaking the collar or shoulder blade i think that depends on where the bullet goes in doesn't it yeah exactly and actually those two things aren't mutually exclusive like you could have light-hearted banter upon realizing that your um cop body has just saved the world despite the fact everything looked like it was stacked against you yeah and still being a lot of pain yeah well that's possible isn't it you could have a lot of adrenaline and painkillers coursing around your body exactly there's a heavy mix also sometimes they might have just been grazed on without it actually going through any vital blood vessels or bones no but he makes a good point which is essentially you know it may seem like getting shot in the arm or the leg is better than getting shot in the chest

because you would think if you're gonna get shot in the heart that's it right but if you get shot in the arm or the leg or the shoulder something like that actually you know yes it might shatter the bone in your shoulder but it's not going to sever anything crucial but actually uh yes there are some quite crucial parts of your body still located artery wise around your arms and legs um so no getting shot in the shoulder is not the panacea it appears okay well simon says if you were to be shot where on the human body is the best place to be shot that would leave the least amount of long-term damage? That's what I was thinking. I'm imagining quite a fleshy bit without too many major blood vessels.

The experts that I've read conclude hands. Now, if this is lasting damage, you probably wouldn't be able to use your hand. But I couldn't play the guitar again like in El Mariachi. What about my crafts? The reason it would be good is because the bullet would exit. Because actually the most painful and damaging thing a bullet can do is stay lodged in your body. Yeah, but you could get shot in the penis

and the bullet would pass through. Yes, you could, Helen, but I think there's an obvious pain contingent there. I reckon I could lose a ball. I'd be really sad to lose a hand. Yeah, yeah. Because I've got two hands. Use your hands.

You can't play guitar with one hand. Yeah, but you can't really shoot someone in the ball. And they have to be standing in a particular way. You might do it on purpose, but if you're about to try... If you were from behind naked and bent over, they could aim at one of your testicles. They might be aiming at your chest and just, like, swerve down at the last minute

because of the recoil. Possibly. I mean, again, it's hard to write that into a Stallone sort of action movie sequence. I think I've lost my left ball. Stomach's the one that's meant to be super painful, isn't it? Because it takes a long time to die, but it's very hard to patch up. I think you so you bleed out i think anything where the bullet is still large

anything where there's a lot of bones to shatter that are then linked directly to a vital organ yeah but i'm talking stomach where it's above your pelvis but below your ribs so you're not got the bones problem but you're going through a lot of intestine i mean the brain doesn't hurt compared to the rest of you but that's a really bad one because you could go yeah it's amazing isn't it when people like i was shot in the head and it didn't do any damage. What miracle happened there? That does happen occasionally. This is the thing.

This is why there's not agreement, is actually there are people who have been shot almost anywhere and survived, and then there's people who have been shot in supposedly good places to be shot, like your hand, and they die instantly through loss of blood. Or like a blood clot happening or a bit of bone going into your brain.

Yeah, because also a lot of it is how you are trained to deal with that scenario and actually in fairness to the buddy cop action movie genre um we assume that the bruce willis character you know to pick an example a stereotype an archetype if you will we assume that yeah okay they're a bit unconventional they play by their own rules but underneath that there's a lot of institutionalized training going on you know he's held the gun many times you know and he's dealt with being shot before and actually when you shoot someone part of what can accelerate the situation very quickly and lead to them dying is panic like if you get shot and you're a professional you're like okay i've been shot in the shoulder i need to sit here i need to wait for the paramedics i don't need to run around to get

the bad guy yeah i need to sit strap this up yeah stem the blood flow i'm in pain i'm going to be aware of that pain i'm going to tell the authorities when they come and everything's going to be fine but they never stand down in the films they keep going well you know like i say affected until they've got the bad guy then they start limping and fainting like i say be aware of the genre that we're in no less convincing than any of the preceding 90 minutes you know this querying the ambulance conversation that's like querying people who are lying. They're going, just listen to this thing I'm having. Yeah.

What? What? Half a sentence. Ugh. Yeah. Like that happens. Come on. And also,

in this scenario of the good guy, you think that he's going to die, but actually he's all right. Yeah. That often happens with the bad guy as well, doesn't it?

They are very resilient. I mean, to a ridiculous extent mean how many times has michael myers died not the actor from austin powers the horror film character and in reality if you're the good guy and you've just killed the bad guy you'd shoot him straight in the face wouldn't you to be sure yeah the balls you'd be really angry with him at that point you know he's he's held up a bridge in new york you know he's killed your wife and girlfriend or whatever it is at that point you've got him you've shot him you wouldn't take sympathy i know you're a good guy so you maybe like wouldn't be out you maybe wouldn't set him on light with petrol but you'd shoot him three times in the face to be absolutely certain it's the thing the good guys are incompetent at killing compared to

the bad ones they don't think well i'm gonna finish them off they're like oh my god i shot a gun which means he's probably dead but sometimes the bad guy's incompetent as well because the bad guy has a moment of sentimentality where they think even though my henchman could have killed the good guy 10 minutes ago i personally am going to take responsibility for killing this one and then lets them out their sight that's not a soft side that is arrogance yeah it's like when they monologue and things happen during the monologue rather than just killing them i think what we're finding out here is that films are fictional and gun violence is truly horrible. That's true.

That is the thing. It's almost as if the posters make gun violence look fun, but in reality it just wouldn't be. Do you remember that period when they used to blur out guns from pop videos linked to action films? Like when there was that song from Bad Boys? I can't imagine that happening now. Now they just blur out people flipping the bird and brands, but guns are probably fine.

It's the ubiquity of guns in action movies and the ubiquity of punching people in comedies of the 80s. It's just so weird. Has Miley Cyrus done a video yet where she puts a gun up her fanny? She's done it with hammers, so weapons are surely not a long way away. It's like a step down, if anything. Yeah.

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by using the code ANSWER. So lots of things to be grateful for, really. That's right. You can impress your friends with your amazing new website. Guys, I know you're very impressed by my website, but really, it was very easy. That's the kind of advert thing that would happen. It's like, oh my God, I can't believe you've made this cake.

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If someone said, oh, your hair's looking nice, I wouldn't say that's because of the absence of dandruff. Yes. Just say thank you. Have you been using Squarespace on your hair? Yes. Bouncy. Here's a question from Kathy who says,

I'm 19 years old and a history student with virtually no direction in life, a love of 18th century Europe, alcohol and partying. If you combine all three of your interests, Kathy, you end up with the Frankist movement of 18th century Poland. Wow, now she's got direction in life. Jacob Frank, have you heard of him? No, funnily enough, I haven't. Fascinating footnote from history.

FFH. He was this guy who thought he might be the messiah um but he thought we've all been there indeed yeah i'm still there folks only child but he thought the closest way to get to god was through ritualistic orgies now i think i can see the appeal of that more than the closest way to get to god is by flagellating yourself and living in austere misery. Exactly. He's like every 20th century cult leader, basically, then, isn't he? Alcohol, partying, 18th century Europe. It's all there, Cathy.

Cathy says, I'm absolutely loving life as a student, which is good if you've got no direction in life. It staves that off for a few years. That's right. You're just postponing the existential doubt that will follow after you graduate. Well done. Well, at that point, she can do a master's about the Frankists.

Yeah, we've got it all planned out for her. Here we have. Cathy says, I've been getting well stuck after you graduate. Well done. Well, at that point, she can do a master's about the Frankists. Yeah. We've got it all planned out for her. Yeah, we have. Cathy says, I've been getting well stuck into both the typical student lifestyle and into my studies. Good girl.

Good. However, recently, I have been asked to be a godmother to a friend's child. Now, why is that a however? Yeah. Surely that's more of a

meanwhile in entirely unrelated news. Cathy has foreseen your query, Ollie, and she goes on to explain. I am incredibly honoured to be this boy's godmother. My own godparents have featured prominently in my life, more as family than my own real aunts and uncles.

And yet you've gone so off the rails as a student. Their spiritual guidance has failed you. So being asked to be this young man's godmother has filled me with incredible feelings of awe, delight, and downright incredulity that his parents think that I might be responsible enough to be the moral guardian of their five-month-old son. Aww.

I think that's fine. Aww, we say condescendingly. I think that's an appropriate reaction. Aww, such a 19-year-old Cathy. Think about responsibility. His parents are respectively six and eight years older than me, but I feel that at 19, I might be a bit young to be a godmother.

Hold on, but I guess they're putting a bet here on not dying anytime soon. Yeah. You know, actually, and you're going to be in your 20s by the time the child looks to you for any kind of guidance. And if they die, you're probably in your late 20s. It's fine. Kathy says, Ollie, answer me this. As a godmother, should I be toning down my party lifestyle

in order to be a more responsible adult and someone that my godson and his older brother can look up to? When do I start really being a moral guardian for this little human i don't think when they're five months old i think the original sin is dormant at that point kathy i think i think you're over hyping this in your own mind you know it's easy just just continue to be the loving selfless kind embodiment of christ on earth that you are there There won't be any problems at all. Look, these friends have chosen you as you are now. They know how you are. Either you are already, evidently,

a special, trustworthy person who they want to entrust with their children. You're readier than you know. Or you're just the best of a bad bunch and the rest of their friends are completely morally appalling. In which case the child's probably screwed anyway. But in either case, they think you deserving of this honour. So you need to accept that humbly, albeit, you know, it's good that you've had this moment of epiphany but

accept it humbly and move on you don't need to change you're already god worthy and the child's a baby i don't think the responsibility beyond a birthday and christmas present each year and cooing over the child really kicks in until until the child starts growing away from the parents a bit actually. So for some that's like maybe seven or eight, others it'll be a bit later. Certainly in the boys' teens then you can really be a refuge from the parents that he's trying to alienate.

I don't think you're going to get asked any difficult questions until you're mid-thirties, by which point you'll be pretty boring anyway. Cathy has a second question. I'm not a bloody priest, Cathy! This is a more pressing and less theological question. She says, well, he answered me this. What is a traditional present that godmothers give to their godsons? Or what would you recommend as a good present?

The christening is in just over a month and I have no idea what to get him. A bit of money towards the child's trust funds never goes amiss, really, if you are spending a lot of money. Or something the child can grow into. So you gave it to him as his godmothering present, but when he's 10 or 20, he can go, oh, that was from Sparrow and Caffey.

Yeah, but I don't think you actually want clothes you've grown out of. No, I've got no clothes, but say an important book. Yes. Your favourite books. The most traditional of all presents as a godparent to give is, in fact, the Bible. Is it?

Because your first role is to be spiritual guidance so obviously within the framework of of basically in catholicism it's always a bible but even there there's some variation because you can give like a children's bible uh or perhaps a book that's inspired by noah's ark or something if you don't want to be too didactic about it give him a toy noah's ark that would be cool because those are good toys and they look nice and then will also look kind of cool and retro when it's on his shelf when he's grown out of it. A silver cup, I think, is quite a traditional christening present. But most people don't really like drinking out of silver things.

They taste a bit funny and you can't put them through the dishwasher. One of the popular ones to get for christenings is a case of wine or port from the year they were born. Now, obviously, that's nice if they get it when they're 30 and then they've got some vintage port. That's a water into wine thing then, isn't it? Yes, very nice. But also not so good if you're basically saying,

oh, new baby, he'll want to start drinking soon then. Well, what about getting him tins of beans from when he was born, plus like bin bags, gaffer tape, batteries, etc. Like, because everyone's... It's like a survivalist family. Yeah, because everyone's saying, well, the world is all going to shit

and climate change is very pressing to people of this boy's generation. They're probably going to be fucked. So you're preparing him. Make him a coracle. Yeah. Well, listeners, I don't know if it's being clear, but neither Ollie nor I are godparents or had godparents. We've got nothing to go on.

Nor do we have children to whom we've allocated godparents. No. So we can't answer what's a good present to have. I had godparents. Oh, yeah? What did they give you? I can't remember. I was very young. See, the boy doesn't even care what you get him, Cathy.

The point is, listeners, you might have a better idea what would be a good gift for Cathy to bring along to the christening of her first ever godson. Yes, and if you do, or if you have a question for us, please email, phone or Skype and our contact details are on our website AnswerMeThisPodcast.com where you can also find links through to our Facebook page and our contact details are on our website AnswerMeThisPodcast.com where you can also find links through to our Facebook page

and our Twitter profile and there are links to the Answer Me This store where you can buy our first 170 episodes. Remember to stack up if you've yet to go on holiday this year. Otherwise you're just going to have to look out the window at shit. No one wants that. Otherwise you're going to have to experience new things. Oh God.

But one new thing you might actually want to experience is Martin the Soundman's new album, which has just come out. Yes, yeah, it's called Through Intermittent Rain. You can get it at martinaustwick.bandcamp.com. And how much is it? You can pay what you want. That sounds like a bargain,

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