Answer Me This! - AMT299: Hitchhikers, Playgrounds, and your Husband's Secret Personal Trainer

Episode Date: October 2, 2014

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Did Jason Orange leave to join you kip which is the sexiest bird name cock robin or blue tit do you have some feedback for us about billy joel well tell us about it tell us all your crazy feedback because uh since we answered a question about the meaning of the white bread world lyric in uptown girl last episode what a mystery that is we have been besieged by your feedback we didn't start the fire folks uh but we are getting a lot of it what a river of dreams uh norbert in the middle of the night, sent us this email. He says, I think you've analysed the Billy Joel line about white bread in a very British, social class-centric manner. Yeah, this is where our foreignness perhaps creeps in

because I'm not American. I cannot understand necessarily all of the bread-based idioms that Billy Joel was deploying. Well, I'm not sure that's right, but let's hear him out. He says, Here in America, describing something as white bread simply means it's boring. It's not a reference to something posh. So a white bread world is simply a boring world.

So different. The same term might be used by a city person to describe white bread suburban life or by the working class to describe boring middle class living. Now, I don't think we are projecting the british class system on this because billy joel is a mechanic in the video to uptown girl it's quite clear she's from a classier background than he is that's the point of the song yeah the whole song's about that yeah no he may be doing very well for himself i'm not casting any shadows over that especially if it's a woman coming in he can overcharge her you know he's done very well he's from an immigrant family and all the rest all i'm saying is it is clear there is a point of upscale

differentiation in the song so i don't think it is just a case of saying she's from a boring place thank you for defending me ollie thank you with your big words no you're welcome uh well in happier billy joel news it's an email from adam from york, who says, I only just realised from listening to Answer Me This episode 298 that Billy Joel and Billy Joe Armstrong are completely different people. I always thought that it was Billy Joel who sang in Green Day. Goodness. Hard to imagine the two ever meeting. I can't imagine that Billy Joe Armstrong would see the funny side of this.

But I reckon Billy Joel would. So which of those two artists is the Michael Jackson song about? Oh, Martin, that's terrible. My name's Duncan Mason. Helen and Ollie answer me this. I'm eating my breakfast and I'm looking at my jar of golden shred marmalade and it says it has 454 grams in it very few of our listeners ever call us at breakfast time yeah they mostly call us at three in the morning when they're wending their way home drunk yes bright and early fresh feeling

observant yes reading his jar why would you have such a specific number of grams? Why wouldn't you round it down to 450 grams? The simple truth, Duncan, is that 454 grams is the metric equivalent of an imperial pound. Ah. It's the fault of the empire once again. So it's actually a throwback to the glory days of marmalade. When the sun never set on a jar of English marmalade. You would think, though, now that they've largely ditched

the pound measurement for common goods in supermarkets, that they would just then sell 450 gram jars of things. They don't update it, do they, when they're paraphrasing Shakespeare? They don't say, oh, Rupert Murdoch,

he just wants his 454 grams of flesh. But they should, you know, to bring it into the modern day. Well, here's a question from Joe in Seattle who says, Helen, answer me this. Do you happen to know it into the modern day. Well, here's a question from Joe in Seattle who says, Helen, answer me this. Do you happen to know anybody in the greater Seattle area who might have a stationary bike they'd like to part with?

I don't, Joe. No, it's quite easily answered that one, isn't it? But I'm happy to turn this part of the podcast out to be an audio classified ad. Is there anyone listening in the greater Seattle area? Maybe in Tacoma. Maybe in Everett. Maybe in Tacoma, maybe in Everett, maybe in Ballard, maybe in Redmond, maybe even as far out as Snoqualmie Falls.

Does anybody have a stationary bike, which I believe is an exercise bike in our English parlance, that Joe can have because he cannot be bothered to go on Craigslist? Or as they call it in the States, Craigslist. Idiots. People were asking us a few months ago, they a slag off um american pronunciations and i forgot that the way that americans pronounce the name craig to rhyme with egg troubles me so weird isn't it egg when martin and i were driving through north new mexico uh on holiday earlier this year we were listening to local radio stations and there was one where people were calling in

and reading out their small ads stuff they were getting rid of or stuff they needed fantastic i thought this was quite fantastic fun radio they just spaffed the idea because people would just call up going yeah i've got a bedhead i need to get rid of and someone's like okay well if you want jemima's bedhead then call this number you want the story you want the discussion you want the person that they tied to the bedhead yeah they couldn't get them out of the handcuffs in time and that's why they're getting rid of it. That's right, yeah. Don't you, like, it's a human...

Radio is all about stories, isn't it, Helen? Yeah, I thought I'd love to make that podcast where it's about the sad stories behind classified ads. But someone else can because, uh, can't be bothered. Yeah. Here is a question from Claire from Middlesbrough who says, Ollie, answer me this. Whatever happened to the programme Points of View?

I used to really enjoy it as a kid. It sounds like a Points of View letter, doesn't it? Why, oh, why, oh, why? What, oh, what, oh, what happened to Points of View? Terry Wogan's sarcastic comments were actually his best material. Is she thinking of Eurovision? I don't remember Terry Wogan being on Points of View. Until Googling it just now,

I had no idea that Terry Wogan had hosted Points of View either. Was it a generational thing? Maybe Claire is from an Wogan had hosted Points of View either. Was it a generational thing? Maybe Claire is from an earlier viewership of Points of View? No, later. Oh, whoa. Because I think you'll agree with me that in our have to watch BBC One because there's nothing else on, but we're too young to go out and too old to watch kids TV. Yeah, and Crime Watch is not on yet.

Yeah, it was Anne Robinson who was held in Points of View. Yes. That was our Terry Wogan, but after her it was Wogan for a decade. I had no idea. Whoa, when did it stop being on then? Well, this is the extraordinary thing. It didn't. It's still on!

It's obviously only of interest to people when they're about 14. Or 90. It's never stopped. Who's presenting it? Jeremy Vine. Wow. Safe pair of hands. Well, he's snarky like Anne Robinson.

Where's Terry Wogan? He's the blip Tone wise Anyway it's still on It's made by BBC Northern Ireland Inexplicably Like all BBC devolution And recent complaints include

Are mastermind questions too male These are questions That we could tackle Yes That's a great question Is songs of praise too white As if they're going to feature Gospel choirs every week

These are brilliant questions. Can we hijack their faith? And are there too many American experts? I think they mean specifically on BBC News. I'd have to ask an expert. Who the hell are they to dumb down the American educational system? But what I don't like

about Points of View, if I may have a point of view about Points of View, is that the only people in the audience that they portray as having had an opinion and got in touch with the programme are people who are actually quite sane and have a cogent point to make. I mean, as a person who runs a phone-in radio show, do you find that the average interactor with things, and no offence to you out out there answer me this question is but are they necessarily the most sober somber sound of mind person well this is it you know

looking through the points of view mailbag as they probably called it 20 years ago 80 of the people in that mailbag would be like enjoyably nuts like if you did a show that was actually about the feedback that you received yeah um and actually interviewed someone seriously about why you wrote in you know in green ink stereotypically to say that the newsreaders should i don't know be wearing a pirate hat when they're talking about the royal navy or whatever it is if you actually interviewed that person straight to camera it would be really interesting because as a viewer you'd be thinking hmm what what is this man's mental illness i'm guessing uh what is it that's happened to them that's made them like this why are they angry about this story?

Whereas when you watch it, it just is a lot of people who actually are quite reasonable and that's very boring. Damn it. Maybe they simmer them down beforehand. Well, it's all set up, isn't it? Like at the moment,

they now have like vlogs of viewers that supposedly viewers sent in. So like talking to a video saying, why on the episode of Blue peter dated da da da and it's supposedly like filmed in their garden or in their kitchen and you know the manacles though can you well you know watching it that the quality is too high for that particular 84 year old to have filmed this on an ipad and sent it in so you know that actually what's happened behind the scenes is someone's called the line then a researcher's listened to all the phone calls

found the one that didn't sound completely nuts and then probably spent a week getting in touch with them, getting a camera down there, maybe even a crew, to make it look like they filmed something. It's just all very contrived. It's not the real voice of the audience at all, is it? Unbelievable. I seem to remember that on points through the Easter, while they were reading the voice of the writer,

they'd have a shot of the letter that the person had written in. Yes. And presumably if that had drawings of jizz and cocks and skeletons, that would be a bit of a giveaway that it had been tailored and edited by the production team. It's all about where you crop, though. I mean, I know from some of the text messages

I get whilst I'm on live radio, they'll start with a perfectly reasonable point. You know, what you're missing about this debate is, you know, you're not mentioning people who are unemployed under the age of 25 and then you're about to read it and then it will finish with the name of the person paul from maidenhead p.s you are zionist scum that kind of thing i was going so well until maidenhead or like

um why aren't you mentioning 9-11 that kind of thing like yeah just like wow where did wow you know and they've written it like it's just normal text message like that's just what you'd put well back when i was secretary on the bbc news one of my favorite jobs was filtering the newsreaders posts that was a real treat because you would get a lot where there were declarations of love but also swastikas drawn on them and stuff like that when the daily mail reports on complaints to the bbc about a particular program and they say oh 880 people wrote in to complain what they don't say is what proportion of those letters had swastikas on them because then you you could discount them, couldn't you? It's probably as high as 50% of them were complete weirdos.

So you need like a mass Godwin filter. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, well, that was me back when I was a temp in 2003. I was that Godwin filter. question to answer me in this podcast to give them out of home answer me in this podcast to give them out of home Answer me Answer me

Answer me So retrospectives, what historical events are we ticking off on this week's run of Today in History? On Monday we bring you the real story of the mutiny on the bounty on tuesday the anniversary of the day somebody invented the meatball but who on wednesday the iconic british car that ripped off an iconic american car on thursday how american airlines invented air miles and on friday the ufo sighting that gripped colonial america we discuss this and more on Today in History with The Retrospectors.

Ten minutes each weekday, wherever you get your podcasts. Time for a Toby. Brilliant. It's time for a Toby. Let's see which Toby is behind the Toby curtain. Will it be Jug or Amstis? It's Maguire for the 54th week running. It's actually in Cheshire oh uh who says i heard a thing on the radio this morning about an ambulance stopping for a hitchhiker when rushing a patient to hospital sounds like bullshit it does doesn't it although it sounds like the kind of story that

would make the news if it really happened so i heard a thing on the radio about a helicopter stopping to pick up a hitchhiker it wasn't't an air ambulance, it was just a helicopter. That's quite a big distinction. It's still a crazy thing to do. Yeah. Where the driver was like, well, I saw him and I just thought I'll land in this field and I went down there and I was like, get in. What if you're scared of flying?

Then it's embarrassing. I'm scared of helicopters, but someone's gone to that effort of landing in a helicopter. You just have to go in, wouldn't you? You really do. Yeah. I used to hitch all over Europe back in the day. Alone, with friends, with a girlfriend

Until she was murdered And I had some really good experiences And only one dodgy one A 5 foot 1 French trucker with a serious BO issue And a glad eye for a tanned young man Why does his height matter? So Helen, I suppose he's just painting a picture really Filling in some detail

If he'd been a 5 foot 9 man, i.e. of average height I don't think it would be any more sinister It would be any more sinister. But it would be a bit more intimidating if he was a big guy. Yes, I suppose that's the point. A slight Frenchman posed less physical threat than a giant Frenchman would have. So, Helen, answer me this. Is it the fear of sexual assault,

the unwillingness of young people to speak to strangers, higher disposable income, or something else that has virtually wiped hitchhiking from our slip roads and byways well yeah kind of all of those things i think probably the chances of being murdered as a hitcher are relatively small but it only takes a few terrifying films and a few serial killers like fred west to select some of their victims that way to make it a far less appealing option but also hitchhiking peak was in late 60s early 70s when young people were a force to be reckoned with but they're also like hey man communal experience and not a lot of money and cars were far more expensive then

far more women had driving licenses after the liberation movement in the 70s so that upped the driving population immediately there were more public transport options and flights became cheaper. Yeah, I mean, if I was to answer this question in one word, Megabus. I mean, you can now go from one end of the country to the other for six quid. If you can pay for a ticket and do it cheaper than if you hitchhiked the whole journey along,

what would be the point? And a free muffin. And remember when flights... And a free muffin? Apparently on Megabus Gold. Fuck me! They think of everything, don't they? And Wi-Fi.

How is any other coach company still in business, Megabus? Because they're basically knackered old 1950s double-decker. Yeah, and obviously clearly uncomfortable and full of chaps. But still, free muffin! Also, in America, after the 60s, the interstate highway system took over as the major road routes, and those were strictly patrolled, and you weren't supposed to hitchhike on them.

But people still do, don't they, in other parts even of Europe? It's just really in Western Europe where it's just not a thing anymore yeah in iceland there were loads and i think in a lot of countries it's it's really common on our american road trips we've seen a lot of hitchhikers but haven't really been inclined to pick any up because as the driver you're just as in danger from the hitcher and also you have to make chat that's the main reason yeah that's the thing i just can't be asked with if if they could say on their poster the kind of music they like listening to as well as the destination they were going to, I'd be all right with it.

Yeah, whether they want to listen to our Jane Lynch audiobooks with us. Happy to hear Broadcasting House going to Bath. That would be fine. I'd be fine with that. I just don't want to actually have to talk to them because I want to listen to Broadcasting House. I think also now the internet has opened up ways to organise your hitchhiking before you go. So things like LiftShare and Craigslist.

You don't have to go and stick your thumb out and hope that a non-murderer picks you up you can find someone whose details are already committed to a public forum and uh trust them a bit more maybe but there's always gonna be a risk isn't there putting yourself forward i guess if you're a sensible hiker you you do it with another person at least so that there's two of you do you think a lot of people as well now, they have a destination in mind, they don't necessarily want the serendipity of being picked up by somebody and taken to somewhere that might be near

where they need to go or might not? From what I understand, it happens much more frequently outside of England. So within England, it's... England's too small to make it worth the bother, but then transport's very expensive here. And people are scared. So like in the southeast, it hardly ever happens.

Apparently in the north, it happens a bit. And in Scotland and Wales and Ireland, it happens a lot more, which kind of makes sense. get that like in rural places if you saw someone with a sign who's obviously not a threat and it's wet outside you'd think i'll give them a lift but what i've thought it say in in the usa martin i've driven across what's called the loneliest road in america in nevada it goes right across nevada there are only about three towns on it and their space really far apart and there's fuck all else there yeah so to see a

hitchhiker in the middle of one of the stretches between the towns of like 100 miles more you think how did they get here and why are they carrying a space but where was the person who dropped them off here going that they weren't going to because apparently hitchhiking is quite common when people are going to ski resorts they want a lift up and then they're going to ski down the mountain but if it's just a road going hundreds of miles with nothing else happening but road. Yeah, and also, how do you kick someone out of your car? Like, even if you're a trucker, you know,

if someone's getting on your nerves, if they keep discussing politics or singing over the radio. Yeah, you wait for them to need to have a piss at the side of the road. I suppose you could do that, yeah. That's a good tip, actually. That's not the question that Toby was asking, but it's a good answer to that question.

How do I get rid of a hiker That's pissing me off Have you ever considered Picking up a hitchhiker Every time I go past one Really I think you'd be inhumane Not to consider it

That's nice of you Yeah I understand But the answer is no I mean I run it through my brain And I think Well what's the worst That could happen Oh yeah

Murder Yeah The worst that could happen They could stab me Not worth it Not worth it So that's why I don't do it I think I've been with my dad

When we've picked up hitchhikers. Your dad just likes making friends. Yeah, like not for a very long time, but just short distances. In the Midlands? Yeah, yeah. You see, I think it is more common. Could you take me to Kidam Instaploid?

I think it's more common outside the South East because you think, well, what possible reason would you want to go to Kidam Instaploid unless you had a genuine cause? The carpet capital of the West Midlands. There's no deception going on here. In the 60s and 70s, I think the people that

were picking up the young people who were hitchhiking supported their countercultural revolution yes and they're like yeah i should share my privilege of car and petrol exactly oh i'm i'm having a hard time with my husband at the moment but at base i'm like you i'm young yeah right but now i think even someone like me who is still relatively young in my early 30s i'm driving along and i do have a more right of center approach to a hitchhiker i see them and i think just get a car get on a bus it's not that difficult what is why are you so special where you were just you know if you're gonna go to that place spend two pounds on the bus ticket don't freak out old people don't put yourself in danger you know i

make a judgment on them i don't think hey i'm like you i'm young and free i think just get on the bus it's presumptuous of you to think the world owes you something. Yeah, I do kind of think that. I do think, though, that for women, it seems like something... More of a risk. Yeah, absolutely. And I just think it's very hard to escape that idea. And also, if you did get murdered, people are like,

well, what was she thinking? Getting hitchhiking. There would be a lot of victim blaming going on, wouldn't there? There certainly would, yeah. And it would be sort of right. I mean, you are aware, aren't you, when you put yourself up for it? It's a way of saying, I'm available to be murdered right I mean you are aware aren't you When you put yourself up for it It's a way of saying I'm available to be murdered You know

I'd either like to go to my destination or be murdered 50-50 And now it's time For the intermission Brought to you today By episode 131. Available now along with all our vintage episodes at answermethisstore.com.

I've been trying to think of famous Marys. And I can't. Mary Bell, the girl that killed a baby when she was 12. Yeah, not really what I was looking for. I was thinking, well, who's a glamorous Mary these days? Considering Mary Magdalene and Mary Queen of Scots. The Marys peaked too soon! Dammit! There were big

Marys back in the day. Big Marys! And nowadays there aren't any. Who's representing the Marys? What about Merry Christmas? Here's a question from Joe from Birmingham who says, Ollie, answer me this. Does the Pope get paid a regular wage?

Or, because he's presumably going to be the big P man for the last few years of his life, does he not get paid but provided other things such as accommodation? Pope is a freeloader, isn't he? Well, it's quite hard to negotiate a salary with the Lord. If your direct line manager is God. Exactly. Yeah, it is difficult. It's difficult. I mean, Moses gave it a go. He was like, what? quite hard to negotiate a salary with the lord if your direct line manager is god exactly yeah

it's difficult it's a difficult i mean moses gave it a go he was like what you want me to slap all the way to the top of a mountain just to get a top 10 again are you kidding smite you down moses but exactly at the end of the day god's got that power hasn't he so you're gonna say all right it's pretty aggressive salary negotiation there's also it's a family business isn't it when you're looking after jesus you can't go and talk to the to Second in command. It's a good thing Pope doesn't have to negotiate paternity leave. It wouldn't get anywhere. But despite the fact that the Pope, no, does not get a wage, for all the reasons that you'd expect,

as in, you know, he's devoted his life to service and it's essentially a charitable institution, the Vatican. I just don't think if all of your ceilings are gold, you're a charity. Despite that, although the Pope doesn't get paid directly, on his death, they chuck some coins into his coffin. What use are they there? I know, pointless. Does he get any stocks?

No, just the coins. You get three bags containing gold, silver and copper coins, containing one coin for each year of your reign. And that is your monetary compensation. It's basically Christmas stocking money. I think what they're saying is don't become a Pope for the money. So at what point do you stop getting paid? Do cardinals get paid? Do bishops?

Because if you're like a local Catholic priest... Yeah, then you get paid, yeah. Yeah, because you have to go and do your own shopping and stuff. Yes, exactly. So the Vatican pays the Pope's expenses. So if the Pope wants a book off Amazon, they'll pay for it. Not a problem. Pope should buy local.

It's not like the Pope is going to ratchet up that many expenses, is it? Someone else is going to launder all of his bright white robes. Someone else is paying for the Popemobile petrol and upkeep. He's got the Vatican to live in. He's not doing badly, is he? He doesn't want for much. I was wondering, though, what about someone like the Dalai Lama, who's supposed to be a lot less attached to the material things

than the head of the Catholics is meant to be? Does a lot of conferences. Goes around the world effectively doing public appearances, doesn't he? And I bet he's getting put up in a nice hotel. The Dalai Lama? Yeah, but it can't be too nice, because that would almost seem to be like you didn't understand who you were putting up.

Yeah. That's interesting, isn't it? Where do they put the Dalai Lama? Because not Claridge's. But not the Travelodge. Exactly. And I think you'd put him up in like the Hilton Park Lane but like like a five-star hotel that isn't showy okay

somewhere minimal but cushy yeah right yeah when visiting dignitaries from countries that we don't necessarily entirely support come to attend like negotiations apparently almost always they get put up in really nice hotels so like the president of afghanistan uh kazi at the time of recording uh got put up in uh in clarages and um we didn't pay for all of it um i think his government paid for something like six of his entourage and we paid for the other six oh geez did they all get to have fancy tea well see the details but with that you do just kind of think, of course you wouldn't expect the president of Afghanistan

to be put up in the travel lodge. But equally, there's got to be some middle ground there, hasn't there? Also, the rooms are quite small in Claridge's because it's an old building. It's just like bad taste, really, isn't it? When you know that you're coming to discuss the poverty of your nation, it doesn't feel right. Maybe there should be an expensive but sombre hotel

for visiting dignitaries on sad missions. The Melmaison, that's all black, isn't it? Yeah, but it's got wacky chairs. Decadent, wacky chairs. Arabic leaders like wacky chairs. Look at Gaddafi, loved them. Yeah, but they probably want the gold. They'd probably rather a vulgar hotel

that hasn't really been done over since the glory days of the 80s, like up near the Edgware Road or something. Yeah, there's probably quite a few of those on the look log and actually don't cost that much yeah a lot of curtain valances that kind of thing tassels the thing they really wouldn't want was like a hampton by hilton yeah or something new that was just like you know comfortable yeah well you don't appear to have any cupboards because they're all just panels with no handles do you think they ever have to airbnb it like if you're from a tiny little country. They have to couch surf. Has no budget.

If you're from Burundi, you just get to stay in someone's treehouse. Here is a question from Paul, who is 35 and from Manchester, in case you're wondering. And he says, I love those springy things in kids' playgrounds. The ones where there's a big coiled spring

sticking into the ground with some sort of animal or vehicle you can ride on top of it. Yeah, I knew what he meant by springy things in kids' playgrounds playgrounds actually i didn't need the clarification well some people might some people might have yeah i'm just saying i might not hang around playgrounds as much as you but ollie answer me this what are these apparatuses called wikipedia says they are spring riders but that's a shit name they must have a better one

sounds like a tarantino film doesn't it spring riders it could be a western it sounds to me a bit more like it's a second rate young adult one so like down from hunger games even down from divergent spring rider could it be set on spring break you've got four like teenage girls but they're not really teenagers they're like preteen they're just having their first ever spring break and they're a bit young for it. And then they go and discover horse riding. No, it would be set after nuclear winter. So it'd be nuclear spring. And four 16 year olds were finding themselves and also doing a fight.

But you'd have to put some credible acting talent in to hook the olds. Who would you have? Philip Seymour Hoffman's not available anymore. Well, if you're talking teenagers, you'd probably have one of the Fannings. Yeah, yeah, but you've got an old... There's always an older person to legitimise it.

Oh, Hurts. Hurts will do anything nowadays. John Hurts? Yeah. I'm not sure he's in the right category, actually. He turned up in a film set in Norway with aliens in it. Kevin Bacon would probably do it. Kevin Bacon would do it, yes. William H. Macy.

William H. Macy would be perfect. Yes. Alfred Molina. Probably needs a bit of money. It's been a long time since Spider-Man. That's such a long time since that's such a good call alfred melina is exactly the kind of guy which you know that if you ever saw him on stage doing pinta he'd be amazing but his name on a film probably means this is shit isn't

that weird or that he's the high point like in coffee and cigarettes coffee and cigarettes him and steve coogan is worth sitting through jack white and meg white's bloody tesla coil no alfred melina is absolutely right. Third rate teen movie. Absolutely right. Well done. But remember... Well, that wasn't the question. Remember Spring Riders?

Yeah, yeah. Those animals on a spring. I like the way that Paul has started from the ground up. Spring then animal, not animal on a spring. Yeah. Which is such a simple way

to describe these simple things. So what are they called? They are called Spring Riders, yeah. Okay. They do have other names, but they're all a bit shit poor, I'm afraid. They're also known as playground springers, spring rockers. Spring rockers sounds more fun.

That sounds like a really fun film. Just rockers, sometimes. Spring animals, and sometimes spring vehicles. The trouble with spring animals is that could mean animals in the springtime. Lambs. I think the names aren't supposed to be fun. They're supposed to be descriptive. It's almost as if the people who work in council acquisitions

for playground furniture aren't the same people who have the fun riding them. I thought they were called bouncy animals or something like that. Bouncy is a more fun word, isn't it? Bouncy to me indicates clearing the ground, whereas they are on a spring. I think it's important that the word spring is involved. They're more pendulous, aren't they, rather than like a bouncy castle,

which is like inflatable. You'd think inflatable. Paul supplements his question. He says, who do I have to petition to get some adult-sized ones installed? Local councils are doing everything they can to try and discourage single adults from attending children's playgrounds. How many times must I say it? I'd go to the gym if it was more like a playground.

Yeah, you are right on that. Actually, in West Oak Park, one of the wonderful green spaces in Crystal Palace, there is a log, like a long log you are right on that actually in um westo park one of the wonderful green spaces in crystal palace there is a log like a long log with springs at either end so you can either rock back and forwards if you sit side saddle or you can uh you know go back and forth like you're on a legless horse if you sit astride what an actual tree made log yeah like a not a plastic log no an eight foot tree trunk felled, peeled. Yeah. So adults can go on that. Oh. Because the trouble with the ones in kids' playgrounds

where it's like a little horse on a spring is that... You're too heavy. When an adult gets on it, it just... Straight to the ground. Straight to the ground. Yeah. You're talking like a man who has struck the ground. But you're going to smash your teeth on the pavement, aren't you?

Or your arse. At best, as it erects itself again, you're going to inadvertently trap your feet underneath one of the coils and that would be very painful you've thought this through I have you're a man who would like an adult-sized spring bouncer that said there are some that you see

and you think hmm is that for kids? like do you know what I mean? like when it's Thomas the Tank Engine yeah that's for kids when it's a train that actually looks like an underground carriage yeah you know

when it's a Vauxhall Astra yeah no but you do see ones that I've seen ones that look like Japanese bullet trains, like kind of a bit futuristic. But that's because a lot of Japanese adult-sized transport is quite childish. Well, children would enjoy it,

but they wouldn't enjoy it as much as like a big primary coloured fire truck. Don't you patronise me, Ollie, because when I was a child, I did not particularly enjoy the spring animal bouncers. What I got far more of a kick out of was rocking chairs and very specifically, my Jewish grandmother's rocking chair chair which i was very impressed by because it looked like a normal armchair normal

old lady floral armchair and yet when you got in a very smooth glide action did you have a favorite thing in the playground were you someone who used to climb reverse up the slide for example try and put your own spin on it love a bit bit that, because also when we were young, firstly, playground variety was less. Secondly, hard surface floor. Yes, that whole innovation in pavement that is springy, that happened after we were adults, didn't it? Really softened children up, hasn't it? Anyone in our generation. Selfish now, aren't they?

Because they don't smash their heads open on tarmac. Anyone in our generation has at least at some point fallen seven foot straight on tarmac. Yeah, my brother, because his head was so heavy, fell off a slide because it weighed him off the off the side of my grandparents failed to catch him because they just stood at the bottom with their hands out even as he was clearly drooping and uh smashed his head and uh they rushed him to hospital and apparently he was saved by his abnormally thick skull yeah yeah yeah so zaltzmans have got resilient heads that's a good way of weeding through the genetics i suppose suppose, isn't it? Making sure only the super strong survive. Ha ha ha ha

I sing like an angel That's what everyone tells me But for some reason record labels won't sell me They say my songs are so crap They can virtually smell me What on earth do they mean? Instead you square space to build a musical empire you can stream and sell your songs and merch through which

to inspire other people to try their hand singing as you are so dire what do you mean mate I'm the new Jessie J mandem mandem thanks very much to Squarespace.com for sponsoring this episode of Answer Me This it's good of you

and thank you for developing websites using Squarespace.com for sponsoring this episode of Answer Me This. It's good of you. And thank you for developing websites using Squarespace.com because, well, if you didn't, and you didn't use the code answer, I suppose Squarespace wouldn't continue to sponsor the show. So thank you for doing that. And then I couldn't pay my rent. So thank you very much. And no wonder you have been doing that, because it's easy to use Squarespace with their drag and drop templates to build beautiful websites. And you can play around with those templates for two weeks for free and then if you want to pay for the squarespace service for your web hosting needs then to get 10 off for a whole year and a free url use the code answer here's a question from rowan from darlington who says we've recently been helping to move

our elderly granddad from his current home in berwick uponupon-Tweed to a new flat closer to us in Darlington. Whilst packing, we have found over 500 paper napkins taken home from restaurants, 300 packets of individual sweetness. He might get through all of those. Also, a vast array of tea towels. That's better than the other things. Depends how vast.

I've got a surprising amount of tea towels for one so young. I reckon we've got about 40. That's good. Yeah. And I mean, really, at any time we're using two. And we've got a dishwasher. I really like tea towels. I mean, they're...

We're boring, aren't we? They're an art print that's actually practical. There aren't many other situations where we can have a beautiful piece of graphic design that's actually useful for something. And Helen, you probably knit a lot of them into dresses, don't you? Actually, I've recently made a lot of them into sofa cushions. Look how beautiful our sofa is. Are those from tea towels? Tea towel there. Oh dresses, don't you? Actually, I've recently made a lot of them into sofa cushions. Look how beautiful

our sofa is. Are those from Tea Tales? Tea Tale there. Oh, that's a really good one, yeah. Tea Tale there. Anyway, let's imagine ourselves in Rowan's grandad's pile of Tea Tales.

I'm imagining they've got like great castles of whales. Yeah, that kind of thing or those ones that kids do at school where they all draw them the self-portrait

at the age of three. Yes. Those are quite cute, those but they're all interchangeable really, aren't they? Because all children's drawings look the. Yes. Those are quite cute, those, but they're all interchangeable, really, aren't they? Because all children's drawings look the same. Yeah, pretty much. I mean, whenever they're interesting, someone calls a social worker.

Otherwise, they're just the same. Rowan continues. One of these tea towels was a promotional tea towel provided by none other than everyone's favourite household item, rehypnol. Wow. Yeah, I didn't see that coming. Much like when I was rehypnoled. So, Helen, answer me, then. What? We're talking about rehypnol. Wow. Yeah, I didn't see that coming. Much like when I was

rehypnoled. So Helen, answer me the what? We're talking about rehypnol. Given the number of listeners we have, many of them will have been subject to some harmful sexual behaviours. You're right actually, Helen. I withdraw my comments and apologise for making any joke at all when we're going to be talking about rehypnol for the next five minutes. I was totally wrong to do that. Let's add a trigger warning. Yeah. So Helen, answer me this. What was rehypnol for the next five minutes i was totally wrong to do that let's add a trigger warning yeah so helen answer me this what was rehypnol used for so rowan interpreting here that rehypnol wouldn't have had a promotional tea towel if they were only used for date rape indeed and why did rehypnol require a tea towel campaign well you know rehypnol is a very famous drug only for bad reasons all of rehypnol's publicity is bad yeah i didn't know i genuinely

didn't know it was a commercially available drug you know for legitimate reasons. All of Rehypnol's publicity is bad. Yeah, I didn't know. I genuinely didn't know it was a commercially available drug for legitimate reasons. Yeah, so maybe they needed something as innocent as tea towels to mitigate the fact that people only ever know it as a date rape drug. I wouldn't have any tie-in merchandise that you could smother someone with

if I was them. Well, or put chloroform on or anything like that. But then again, it's hard to think of anything that you couldn't once you start thinking about it too much. It could have been pre-that use. Rehypnol, I think, was introduced in Europe in 1975.

Wow, that old? Yeah, I think even then it was misused. But people probably took it for recreation, didn't they? They took all kinds of stuff, like Quaaludes and all that kind of stuff. Yeah, I mean... You make it sound like drugs are an old thing. Do you remember when people used to abuse drugs? I just find that really weird when people go,

I'd like a drug that makes me fall asleep for 12 hours and not remember what happened. Grandad, tell me about your K-holes. The thing is, 70s, big time for Quaaludes, Valium, etc. Maybe the tea towel was just reflecting that trend. It was used a lot as a drug to help you through comedowns from other drugs i mean what would a doctor have prescribed okay and they still do prescribe it for things like severe

insomnia because it's a relaxing and a sleeping drug i had no idea a doctor could prescribe rehypnol unless they were like doctors in america it is illegal but i think it is legal in 60 countries and that's what it's for amazing the danger is when you combine it with alcohol that is when you particularly get the uh 24 hour blackout problems but in any case all drugs at some point i would say have been uh fortunate enough to have a promotional campaign lavished upon them because they cost a lot of money to develop yes and in places like america where all doctors are private essentially uh you are competing to be the brand that the doctor mentions not just the style of drug and sometimes a pen or a mouse mat just won't cut it a medical trade show still could have happened in the uk

couldn't it perhaps your lady wife yeah went to a medical trade show some description because i being a tech journalist i've gone to some pretty funky tech stalls at trade shows. And have you ever got a tea towel? I haven't had a tea towel, but I've had baseball caps and things you'd expect, like mugs. But then sometimes people try and be novel. It starts with USB sticks. Where does it end? I've had boomerangs.

Yeah. Frisbees. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stress toys. Stress toys. Compact shoeshine kits. Nice. I mean, just, you know, anything.

Martin's work has got uh little slices of rock as in the suite the colorful suite with the name of the department through the rock that's good yeah it is good but i mean no one not no one really likes rock do they details are so unsexy i mean yeah but you would keep it wouldn't you when you were filtering through the bag afterwards like don't need that don't need that leaflet rubber or whatever useful and you'd have it for years and years wouldn't you until you threw it away because it was worn out i had um a gray sweatshirt when i was a child that i wore to death and it said harp heating on it now i've never purchased anything

from harp heating i don't even know if they're a going concern are they why would they make sweatshirts in child sizes are they were they in heating maintenance no idea no idea i wonder if the sweatshirt i wasn't interested in the provenance i just loved that sweatshirt i wonder well it's working now isn't it free advertising for them if they still exist what i was wondering about with this rohypnol tea towel is whether it was a joke tea towel like the kind of thing that viz used to sell no because they used to sell things like little ted west and t-shirts for junior beer drinkers and stuff like that is it likely that rowan's granddad had such an offbeat sense of humour in his youth? Well, it could have been the kind of thing

that one of the grandchildren bought him in a cheeky fit. Maybe. And they also bought him an I like the Pope, the Pope smokes dope t-shirt. And he thought, I do like the Pope. I suppose Rehypnol now has such a bad rep. But if you imagine that it said Viagra, then that could be a novelty thing someone might buy.

But that also might be a thing that granddad is interested in. It would have been more appropriate. After my commute, when I find the time, I can always send a question to the question line. Inquiries are wanted as a part of the plan. I'll have Helen, or Holly, or Martin, or Stone Man. Answer me this podcast at mail.com.

Answer me this podcast at mail.com. Here's a question from Martha from Kent, who says, My husband started going to the gym near his office about a year ago, and about five months ago, I started to really notice the difference it was making. Wow! That's such a long time. Martha! That is why exercise isn't worth it. Seven months and your wife didn't notice. Well, he was probably just sitting in the jacuzzi, wasn't he?

No, I think this is the truth, isn't it? Exercise is a long-term project. People expect instant results. Unless you're going three times a day, and that's your job, you won't see the instant results I don't know I bet there are people who will dispute that I'm a Pilates teacher

And I can make you into a ballet dancer in an afternoon I started doing a bit of exercise That's true No obvious difference No that's not true Martin has started doing five pull-ups a day And within days That's a lot guys

Rips Well I thought when Martin started this regime In seven months' time, maybe I'll have a look at how he's getting on. But Martha says, my husband's lost weight and is starting to have really defined arm muscles. I felt like when you read that that should have been more like a really

defined arm muscles. Don't know why I went evil. I am really proud of his hard work, and as I have also been regularly running for about a year, it's been nice to compare notes and encourage each other, except for the seven months where you weren't encouraging him martha loads of my male friends are doing this at the moment they're all doing one of these wearable tech things where they're i don't know which one it is i'm not trying to avoid promoting a brand i don't know which one it is those wristband thingies it's it's nike or tom tom or one of those things

they wear a thing anyway they go for a walk and it sinks onto a map and then they can show other people who live in the other end of the county where they've been for it's not their walks overlap but it adds a competitive thing so they can say oh well i did 10 miles yesterday and you did seven so weird well martha says i was checking emails the other day we have personal accounts and a joint one i was checking all three as there is invariably some date or event he forgets to tell me about and this is never an issue so if you're thinking oh martha's a bit nosy she has explained that she says i found an email from a woman called candice who was giving him a meal plan and joking with him about how he wouldn't tell her exactly how much he drinks

after a bit of googling it turns out that this Candice is a very expensive personal trainer. There are so many words that could have come after the word very expensive, but I think personal trainer is probably the best of all options. Who is based at his gym, who he has been going to for about six months without telling me. Ah, so that's why she started to notice the first six months of his exercise didn't make a difference, but the first month of Candice did. When I asked him about it, he said that his friend had gone to her and he was so impressed with the results that he decided to go too. And just not tell you about it.

Yeah, he didn't tell me because he knew I'd freak out about the money and he didn't want me to stop him. So answer me this. Am I right to be a bit pissed off about this lie, the money, and the fact that she's called Chuffing Candice? I don't... What's wrong with Candice? It's a nice name.

Candice would probably find it amusing he was married to a woman called Martha, after all. We can't necessarily help our names. She's just called Candice. True, she is obviously getting results, but I can't help feeling like I just want to start hiding loads of melted butter and other high-calorie items in his food

just to spite him now. That is not nice, Martha. Also... Focus on the really defined arm muscles you mentioned in the first paragraph also the running i do is free yes but martha the problem is motivation isn't it some people need to pay money in order to do anything that's one of the reasons why weight watchers works because it incentivizes people to keep at it some people want to be shouted at by the person they paid to make them run otherwise they won't run clearly you have

found the motivation but not everyone does i think martha we're sensing why he didn't tell you from the tone of your email um you know it wanted to be a nice surprise as well i mean i get that he's spending money that technically as a married couple you might have spent on each other maybe but presumably this is money that he's earned he's not using your money to pay for his personal trainer and if he knew that you'd be pissed off about the money and say no and he's not using your money to pay for his personal trainer. And if he knew that you'd be pissed off about the money and say no, and he has actually achieved fitness objectives out of it, and now he's told you anyway, where's the harm been, really, Martha? Where's the harm been? He's got his really defined arm muscles.

He hasn't told her. She found out through the email snooping. No, he's told her now because she confronted him. Yeah, but when was he going to tell her? I do think Martha is worried that there is something else between her husband and Candice. I think there's an element of that. Because otherwise I would be like, oh, it's great. My husband's muscles up. It's sure it was expensive, but look at the results.

If your husband was seeing Wayne, would that have made a difference to how you feel about this? Is it because she's called Chuffing Candice? Chuffing Candice. That actually there's this element of threat there. Because there shouldn't be. Because I know that like on Strictly, all of the dancers end up copping off with each other and stuff because they spend a lot of time pressed up against each other with their hands in each other's crotches but generally i would say most men wouldn't go for a female personal trainer because that person's seen you be really hot and sweaty

and like quite unsexy really and also there's something probably a bit shaming to a lot of men they'll be like well everyone's probably always asking candice out well also it depends on your type i mean i don't know what you look like martha but if you don't look like a personal fitness trainer well she's been running for a whole year which well yeah but without a fitness trainer maybe no difference is visible the point some men don't like that very sporty look you know so even even if you as a woman might think oh well she's going to be a really fit fitness trainer um chances are he married you so there's no threat on that score but even if he does like that look doesn't mean that there's anything in it no indeed i think you need to simmer down martha i think maybe you should go and meet candice and have a fitness session yourself i think your your husband at least

owes you that yeah that's a good idea because maybe you're not optimizing your fitness time yeah maybe you have a joint session and ruin his only singular pleasure that he has in his life by tagging along. Well, if anyone else wants us to criticize the way they're running their relationship, then by all means, do get in touch with the podcast. Yeah, although the advice generally stays the same. Focus on the muscles. Yes.

It's talking that gets people into trouble, isn't it? We also welcome any other questions. And of course, you can call, you can Skype, or you can email. And all of our contact details are on our website answer me this podcast.com you sounded jaunty there ollie is it because we are so close to our 300th episode and you're excited that's the exact reason helen a little bit of pre-con came out as well i'm really excited about it well do make sure to come back in two weeks time for the full shot of cum from ollie um because yeah it's going to be an ejaculation for your ears isn't it amt 300 i could not think of a better way

to describe it than that except for all of the ways that are better which is every other way and but if you are excited about it already why not use the hashtag amt 300 when you're writing about it on social media yes there's no reason not to so just bloody do there's no reason to if you're using lo because that is a ghost town yeah i think that's that's right yeah but if you can't wait that long then do remember that you can hear 15 bonus hours of ollie every week as long as you're prepared to stay up all night that's right i'm on lbc monday to friday from 1 till 4 a.m you lucky bastards by Monday, you mean 1am on Monday till 4am on Monday, not Monday

at a civilised time. I host the overnight show, thank you for embellishing that. Yes. You're a tired, tired man. And you can also hear more of Helen on the Sound Women podcast every month. Oh yeah, and you can hear more of Martin on his brand new album through intermittent rain

at martinhorstwick.bandcamp.com and finally let's just say thank you very much to Squarespace for bankrolling this episode thank you Squarespace

you were really cool and we will see you all in two weeks time can't be this 300 so excited bye