Answer Me This! - AMT304: Roller Derby, Baby Models and the Swiss Cheese Pervert

Episode Date: December 11, 2014

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I thought I'd forgotten the traumas of Answer Me This episode 303, but you listeners just brought them rushing back thanks to this email from somebody who says regarding your discussion of which cheeses would be best for a handjob, I believe that the best cheese is Swiss. Right. For this purpose. Specifically for this. Why? Because it's got a hole in it? For a firm cheese

it's soft. There are going to be fewer potential injuries, I can see that. Sure. And it's mild. You don't want your parts smelling of Stilton. Okay. And you definitely don't want to do it with yarg because yarg is wrapped in stinging let's not have the discussion again helen our correspondent says my evidence comes from a true veteran of cheese jobs the swiss cheese pervert yeah that sounds totally like a character from dexter but apparently the swiss cheese pervert is a real man. He's a criminal from Philadelphia. Ironically, I mean, I recommended cream cheese for this purpose.

Well, that's not ironic. It's appropriate. Well, no, I suppose where he is, cream cheese is commonplace. It comes out the taps. That's why they use it as lube. He went for something a bit more obscure. He drives around, he approaches women on the street and he offers them money if they will watch him jack himself off with Swiss cheese. That is a very bold opener. I don't think most women will be that thrilled by the offer.

I think that's right. I think generally speaking that's been the case and that's why the police have been involved. Why are you so upset about the idea that men might get off on cheese? It's a waste of cheese. Good eating cheese. I think that's why I'm upset about it as well. Cheese is one of the most beautiful things in the world

and it hasn't been corrupted as yet by men putting their penises in it unlike so much that's a good point incidentally whilst we're revisiting the culinary highlights of amt 303 uh thank you very much to those of you who corrected my assumption that they don't have turkey legs at disneyland tokyo apparently they do and also thank you as well to everyone and there were many of you who wrote in to point out It wasn't McDonald's who originated the McFlurry In Northern America Now I didn't say that it was

I said around the rest of the world You strongly implied You said McDonald's are original thinkers And nobody could have had such an original idea But anyway, many of you pointing out That the McFlurry essentially is a rip-off Of Dairy Queen's Blizzard Which is essentially a rip-off Of mint choc chip ice cream with bigger bits.

Well, we don't have Dairy Queen here in the UK, so you can forgive my ignorance there. Yeah, and we're cultural imperialists. Hi, this is Guy from Bookham in Surrey. Helen, Ollie and Martin the sound man, answer me this. After, what is it, 25, 30 years after the phenomenon that was wash and go, why is it that that never caught on? Shampoo and conditioner in the same bottle, that's a great idea, and yet I've just got out of the shower, looked around the bathroom,

and my wife's covered the place in several bottles of shampoo and conditioner, all separated. Why did no one ever take wash and go up on their wonderful proposition? Take two bottles into the shower? What kind of massive idiot are you? In the 90s, we did not have time for two bottles because also wasn't there bold two-in-one as well? There still is.

You're talking about these things like they're in the past. They are 90s marketing devices, I admit. Detergent and conditioner. Who has time for that malarkey? It's the 90s. The millennium is upon us and we're all going to die. Combine. We've spent a lot of time putting on layers of flannel in the 90s. There's not time for hair washing.

The product still exists. You can still buy it. There are loads of two-in-one shampooing products. Yeah, and I suppose, you know, inevitably an idea like that, when it has novelty and a bigger marketing budget, will seem like a phenomenon and then it will slowly fade away. But it is very much part of the staple diet of Boots and Superdrug.

There's big pharma companies behind all of these shampoo brands, right? From that point of view, if you have a selection of products which you are trying to shift to a pharmacy, you know, or to a supermarket, you can sell them shampoos, you can sell them conditioners. What better way to try and reach the men and it was basically aimed at men who didn't want to buy a separate conditioner because it's embarrassing and gay than to a implant through advertising the concept that most people think nowadays you should buy both and b offer a solution that is more expensive

than just buying a bottle of shampoo but offers the convenience of just having one bottle so it was a two-fold marketing strategy wasn't it it was saying to these to these men who are incredulous at the idea of buying two bottles have soft hair yeah saying to those people look guys society's changed yeah the acceptable thing to do nowadays is to buy shampoo and conditioner if you don't do it you're a bit weird but if you insist on convenience here's a bottle that's actually more expensive than the shampoo you're buying and by the way it's from the same company i mean it's kind of clever but how come salon selectives which offered the opposite strategy of combining to suit your exact hair needs failed when that is shifting a lot of different products i wonder if shelf space was a factor

then maybe so you need to hit the sweet middle exactly because you know if you've got a product that actually you need to see the full range to be able to choose you're flogging fewer of each individual bottle but nonetheless their marketing was successful because even as you just said the word salon selectives i'm sure i like most people listening we're going when you just walked out of a salon so that was obviously an effective piece of marketing in the round. Hi, it's Ali. Hello, Ali. Answer me this. We've just signed our really cute baby up to be a baby model,

and he's been accepted. If he hits the baby model big time and starts making megabucks, what do we do with the money? If we put it in account for him when he's older, and then we have another baby who's not such good baby model material, do we still give baby number one the money? Or what about baby number two? Then they have to be ugly and not have a nice nest egg.

Please help. Well, if they are ugly, that's their fault, isn't it? They'll have to exploit their baby earning potential another way. The truth is, I don't think big bucks really ever come from being a baby model unless you absolutely land on your feet and land a plum roll in Downton Abbey. But generally... And we're not saying your baby isn't beautiful by saying that. It's just not as much money as you would think.

Well, you know, even a day on a TV show, because that's all it normally is, pays like 300 quid, which is good, isn't it? But it's not going to be nest egg for their university tuition. You need to be in a series that returns every week and you're a major character so it's very unlikely preferably more than 100 episodes i mean look how rich the olsen twins are now yeah but there are two of them so they could work longer hours because you can just switch one in they were in um a sitcom called full house in the states and they played the same person they were multi-squillionaires by the time they were in their teens. But I have sought the intel of

our friends Amy and Sam, whose baby Pepper did a bit of modelling for Tesco's. Wow, that's a big gig. Yeah. I bet it's still only about 200 quid. Probably. And they said that legally the money has to go to the baby. Oh really? So you can't even split it if you want to. And they

also recommend the junior icer at halifax where it's a six percent interest wow useful advice i'm really quite surprised that they need so many new babies to advertise things why not just use stock shots it is a baby or just plastic babies but i mean or turn it wrapped up in a towel i appreciate that you know the quality of uh film has developed pardon the pun over the last sort of 10 15 years so you know now you want a baby in hd uh maybe now you want a baby or babies on your books with a range of different ethnicities like you didn't need perhaps 20 years ago and all of that nonetheless nonetheless surely by now they have a shot of every possible baby

that you just think well why not use the same one why don't you take a new picture of a smiling baby in a white towel they all look the same well they're wearing different clothes they're modeling different products you need to reach them towards like a porn dip or something your specific product that you're advertising but do you because they do all that in post but generally couldn't you do that anyway with modeling you could just get one stock model to model everything then superimpose different people's heads on there oh looking clueless airbrush the model so that they don't always look like the same race and uh and uh you would save a lot of money i suspect that what we've learned here is that models are cheaper than good designers and also i think what we're learning is that the aesthetics of each era vary a bit so

what is considered beautiful in a baby now might not have been the same as uh 10 years ago that's maybe why uh calvin klein have just unleashed their real plus size model. Did you see that? Oh, what a heifer. Curvy, voluptuous size eight model. Oh, she must be busting out of those 20 inch waist jeans. Well, here's a question from Katie who says, I always get Barry Manilow and Rod Stewart confused.

So Helen, answer me this. Is there an easy way to remember which one is which? An easy way? Well, one of them is American. That's true. And one of them is Rod Stewart. Yeah, now I was just thinking nationality-wise. Is he Scottish or does he just play up the Scottishness

because that's kind of cool? He has a Scottish parent, but I believe he was largely raised in England. He really goes with it, doesn't he, with the kilt and everything and that's quite useful. You think of Rod Stewart you think of the kilt. Think of Barry Manilow. That's very American. Horrible facelift. Rod Stewart as well, blonde

mullet and Barry Manilow kind of maroon halo. Rod Stewart has had many women and children. Yes. In different senses of the verb. Whereas Barry Manilow very coy on the subject of his romantic and sexual life. That's a very politically correct way of putting it, Helen, and also

not at all litigious. Well done. I cannot confirm or deny what Barry Manilow has been doing with his man-illo. Maybe the way to remember them is Rod Stewart saying if you want my body and you think I'm sexy, and Barry Manilow did Copacabana.

Quite different, yeah. Also, the environment in which I would like to meet them, and I would quite like to meet both men, do you think I'm sexy and Barry Manilow did Copacabana and quite different yeah also the environment in which I would like to meet them and I would quite like to meet both men you could play with Rod Stewart's train set which is apparently very comprehensive well exactly that's kind of why I'd like to meet Rod Stewart is because he and Elton John both actually their mates aren't they seem like guys who because they came from relatively not very well off backgrounds in the UK then when they made lots of money really enjoyed it and continue to enjoy it and appreciate it whereas Manolo

I think he's going to be spoiled but not really enjoy the fact that he's obviously very wealthy yes I can imagine him being kind of clueless but not in as fun a fantasy way as Rod Stewart or Elton John I'd want to meet them in very different places where?

at the Copa Copacabana don't confuse things Rod Stewart I would like to meet at a nightclub after a few drinks. And there's not many people I put in that category because usually the conversations you have at nightclubs when you can't really hear each other over the music and you've had a few drinks,

the people are nonsensical and self-satisfied. I cannot recognise the situation. But Rod Stewart, I think, is a fun person to meet in a VIP lounge with a girl on each arm because he's fun, he's self-aware and you don't have to hear him sing. Manolo He's quite a passable singer actually. Oh yeah, no absolutely. He's more gruff as well. Manolo is more smooth. But still, I wouldn't want to hear him

sing his actual music. That's my point. But he came from a kind of British R&B so he probably knows some old classics. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not dissing his talent. I'm just saying I wouldn't want to go to a Rod Stewart concert. However, as you know, I've been to a Barry Manolo concert. It was one of the best experiences of my life. Manolo. That makes me really doubt your judgement. Manolo I've been to a Barry Manilow concert it was one of the best experiences of my life Manilow that makes me really doubt your judgement

Manilow I would like to meet in an almost completely different environment Manilow I would like to meet at the Savoy I'm having afternoon tea he's sitting in a pink throne and he's got a piano

at his fingertips so that whenever he wants to he can just start launching into Could It Be Magic but like in a way this is a really weird bit of fanfic he reaches over and touches my crotch.

No, but you know when musicians are interviewed sometimes and they'll do it sitting at the piano? So they can go, I don't know how I came up with Could It Be Magic, but I just sort of started playing around and then they'll start playing the piano. So you want it to be sort of like an episode of Later With Jules, but with just Ali Manilow. Just me and him and a lot of Earl Grey, yeah.

Whereas Rod, I'd prefer the Swiss cheese pervert to be there when Rod was there than when Manolo was there. Is that because you feel threatened by Rod Stewart's raging heterosexuality, whereas Barry Manolo you feel a lot more aligned with? No, it's because Rod Stewart... I don't even know how to answer that question. If you've got a question,

email your question to answer me this podcast at googlemail.com. Answer me this podcast at googlemail.com. It's great. So retrospectives, what historical events are we ticking off on this week's run of Today in History? On Monday, we bring you the real story of the mutiny on the bounty. On Tuesday, the anniversary of the day somebody invented the meatball, but who? On Wednesday, the iconic British car that ripped off an iconic American car. On Thursday, how American airlines invented air miles. And on Friday, the UFO sighting that gripped colonial America.

We discuss this and more on Today in History with The Retrospectors. Ten minutes each weekday, wherever you get your podcasts. Here's a question from an anonymous woman in South London who says, I've just texted my ex and immediately regretted it. We've all been there i regret texting your ex so much because uh i was abroad and it cost me a lot yeah so ollie answer me this please is there any way to cancel a text while it's in transit what would have happened if i turned the phone off as soon as i hit send would it have just sent part of the message which could

have been even worse depending on which part had been sent in isolation i want to know what this text said now would the context of one bit made a radical difference if the other bit had not sent yeah i presume if it's her ex that it was something inappropriately sexualized and she regretted that she brought that up or inappropriately uh emotional maybe angry or maybe begging yeah any of these scenarios aren't very good this is why you shouldn't text your ex at all you should remove their number from your phone or store it under a very odd contact that you probably can't remember.

This is why you can never be friends after you've gone out with each other. That's it, you've ruined it forever. No, it's not that. It's just that you shouldn't have any contact for a while so that you can both get over it and rebuild your existences and then return to each other as friends

without wounds. So you have to wait for both of you to have a partner for that to happen? No, but I think you have to wait a few months at least i think it's six months at least yeah because i think after two months you're it's still habitual yeah and familiar isn't it too much danger you'll fall back into bed i think that's right anyway um i mean the answer to the question is if you turned off your phone whilst your text was in transit it's 50 50 it's true that if the message hadn't yet reached your network from your phone phone then when you turn your phone on it would continue to try and do it it wouldn't send half of it

but it would still send when you turn your phone on so what you need to do actually if you've got a smartphone is going to airplane mode as soon as possible as soon as you realize okay you've got a small chance that it won't send in that time go to airplane mode and then if your phone doesn't have the option to delete a text message unfortunately you will have to wipe your phone of all data but it is worth it if you are that bothered um wipe your phone of all data turn it back on again and reinstall and then it won't send the text there's an easier way yeah is it having my phone which only sends and receives a small percentage of texts because it's old and shit yeah my phone kind of does my phone doesn't

do mms at all so if i'm sending someone a funny picture they never get it and for some reason i insist on sending them rather like people who text dead people just to make me feel good even though i know they're not going to get it can you just email them yeah good but i want to mms it so i keep trying even though i know it won't work i preferred the old way i do prefer the old ways i want to i want to fax it to them i texted my friend who's in valencia at the moment a feature from the sunday times about things to do in valencia knowing it wouldn't go through just because i thought well i spotted that and i'd like to send

it to you maybe you've always secretly preferred one-sided relationships um anyway the easier way is there is an app which you know that thing on gmail where you can have a little widget installed which is called undo yes i've, I've got Undo. It's good, isn't it? Very good. When you send an email, actually what it does is it doesn't send the email for, I think, seven seconds after you press send. No, it's longer now.

It's good. So you then have that window after you've pressed send, just in case you go, oh shit, I can't send that. And I do that about once a week. So anyway, the app is called Cancel SMS. Okay. And it does the same thing. There's a delay of one minute before all your texts get sent.

So you've got a minute to delete it. I think you're just going to have to delete any number that is a risk though, until you're emotionally stable enough to be trusted with text messaging. Yeah. Although the thing about texts is they are more considered. So she says, oh, I regretted it immediately once I sent it. It's not like something you just say, is it? You look at the words written down and then you press send. I don't think they're that considered though. I think even emails aren't because we get some quite long emails to answer me this where someone clearly hasn't read back because they don't make any linguistic sense at all i quite like those it's like we've had an email from james joyce

luckily not as long here's an email from andrea from boston home of the bean and the cod we've got our own cod here and Andrea And we've got beans Did you see the Boston Bean when you were briefly in Boston? No It's a toy bean I think it might have a little hat It's not a very cute toy because it's a brown bean with a face I'm sorry I missed that

Is it like a baked bean? I can't remember Yeah, it's like a baked bean Some of them are really large as well You can get a giant plush brown bean with a face How did it happen that a town of such history and lineage, with Harvard in it, ends up with a baked bean as its mascot? Well, people would argue that Harvard is in Cambridge. Oh, come on.

And there isn't the Cambridge cod or the Cambridge bean. Yeah, but Americans travel five hours to go to a local restaurant. Surely that's local for them. Anyway, she says, here is a question of Facebook manners. Great. A longtime business associate of my husband's, whom we've become friends with over the years, has recently finalized a very painful divorce, which he didn't want nor initiate. At his request, my husband asked me to unfriend his ex-wife because of the hurt she has caused him.

While I never heard her side of the story, since she and I were only superficial acquaintances, I didn't think it was worth arguing about. It was important enough to my husband's friend to ask that we did this, so I complied. Yep, that sounds like the right decision so far. Yeah, it doesn't sound like a satisfied person though, does it? So I complied. That's never the way that you really feel 100% behind any decision.

Yeah, but I don't feel like there was a great pull to do the other thing. Do you? Well, let's find out. Yes, let's. This is what's been playing on her mind. Helen, answer me this. Should I have dropped her a brief message first explaining why I was unfriending her?

No. No. That would never go well. How about a really long one, though? Yeah, just list all of her faults. My first instinct, she says Yeah, just list all of her faults. My first instinct, she says, was to do so out of courtesy. Just to make more pain for this woman who's just had an unpleasant divorce. Yeah, but the more I thought about it... Well done, Andrea, using that brain of yours.

The more I leaned towards a stealth unfriending. Right. Why stir up any more dirt between the former couple? So I just cut the cord. Yes, you did the least bad thing. I think that exactly, that's right, the least bad thing i think that exactly that's right the least bad thing all the options are bad but none of it's your fault it's her fault so just deal with it i was unfriended by a couple that we know when we had a friend breakup a few months

later i noted they had unfriended me but if they'd sent me a message doing it i think that would be much worse because i understood when they did it why they had done it because we were no longer friends now but actually you raise an interesting point because i don't know if i know the friends you're talking about and i don't know if they're still friends of mine on facebook i don't know maybe they are maybe they aren't um but it would be weird for me to unfriend them because i wasn't part of that conversation directly so in the same way i can identify with her situation here you know this woman has done nothing wrong to you personally yes you've just heard bad shit about her and that's difficult also your obligation andrea is really to your husband first and his friend second if this woman is not of equal

obligation to her now ex-husband i don't think you need to worry if you were if you were as good friends with her as you were with him then it would be a problem but this way you're making you're making his life less hard and also sometimes i think someone's unfriended me and actually they've just deleted their facebook account she could think that but although social networks are fun and we're at facebook.com slash answer me this remember friendships are best built in real life aren't they i mean this is all just a reflection of real life relationships and if in your heart of heart you know she won't really give a shit then she won't give a shit.

Doesn't change just because it's on the internet. I'm friends with someone on Facebook who said that she's having to delete friends because she's reaching the Facebook cap on friends. Well, then she's not friending people properly because no one has that many friends in life. So she needs to call. Why would you be friends with like a thousand plus people?

A thousand is the number. I think anyone, because I've got about 300, I think it is, 330 I've got. I've got about 300 I think it is 330 I've got I've got about 500 But I've had a lot of jobs In my time Yeah well okay So you have a slightly

Looser definition of friend They're people that you've Had a fun relationship with In a workplace But you don't necessarily Know as a friend Or people I used to Go to school with

But that's still people You've met Yes I think when it's Beyond a thousand You're doing it wrong Yeah When it's beyond a thousand

You can't have that many Friends or associates They're not people you know so you're not... You're basically treating them like Twitter. Yeah, exactly. Or LinkedIn.

Yes. Do not treat Facebook like LinkedIn. Yeah, if the world becomes LinkedIn it'll just be a barrel of cunts, won't we? Boring.

Huh? Think about that. Right, it is time for this episode's intermission and as last time we are directing your attention, folks to the Answer Me This

Christmas album. Available at answermethesstore.com apparently reindeer's noses are very hospitable to germs because they have

a lot of moist folds yeah and so the scientific explanation for the red nose would be that Rudolph is suffering from a respiratory infection

right but then he shouldn't be working should he he shouldn't he should be lying down yeah but he's a performer isn't he he's not going to

take Christmas Day off. Well, it's his big day. Exactly. Probably he'll get back home Boxing Day morning. Oh, he'll feel it. He'll flake out. Oh, he'll feel it really bad. It'll all hit him then.

The Answer Me This Christmas album there, available from answermethisstore.com, on which point Vicky emails us to say, you mentioned that now is a good time to listen to Answer Me This Christmas. Yeah, I think we mentioned that. I've already listened to the album this year. You're the best, Vicky.

I like the use of the this year there, suggests that it's an annual listen. You know, like Muppet Christmas Carol will be part of people's routine. Yeah. And I was caught listening to it in October by my eye-rolling dad, who likes to confine Christmas to just one day.

Fourth of May. So, Helen, answer me this. When is it acceptable to start listening to Christmas music, watching Christmas films, and indeed listening to the Answer Me This Christmas album? I'm one of those sad Christmas fans who is already planning their craft project for Christmas 2015. I think that's quite nice, Vicky,

and I wish I still had that amount of Christmas spirit in me to keep me going through the year. My problem... For one second, I thought you were going to deadpan. I wish it could be Christmas every day, but you didn't. Well, I feel like it would be diminishing returns pretty quickly. Yeah, I agree. And also, everything would be shut.

But if I start listening to Christmas music in October, and, Vicky, the urge has gripped me, I'm too over it by December I cannot peak too early so I have to wait until December and even if I hear a shop playing Christmas music mid-November I think save it till December

Except in the Christmas department I think it would be weird to go into the Christmas department of Liberty or Harrods and for them to be playing in the summer time that would be weird We're going to Ibiza I think you expect it there because that's essentially a theme of liberty or harrods and for them to be playing uh in the summer time when that would be weird i think you expect it there because that's essentially a theme park isn't it yes absolutely but in boots it's december the first yeah and the people in paper chase they're going to be

ever so worn down by it by the time advent actually hits now here's the thing that i've noticed this year i was in debenhams for longer than the loop of their four songs which suggested to me that debenhams don't think you should behams for longer than the loop of their four songs which suggested to me that debonhams don't think you should be in there for longer than 15 minutes um and one of them was just the orchestral instrumental section from the frog chorus and then i was watching one of those uh sort of mtv playlists you know the 50 best christmas songs of all time hosted by noddy holder he only has to work for one month a year doesn't he and he really planned ahead it had the frog chorus in it and i thought hold up what when what happened what as a child i remember the frog chorus being a christmas thing then 28 years went by with no one mentioning the

frog chorus at christmas time and suddenly it seems to be a christmas thing again what the fuck maybe they're re-releasing the frog what was it from uh i think it was from a sort of one-off half-hour Christmas special or something. Maybe that's on DVD again or something. Maybe it is something like that. We were in a Chinese buffet in Wolverhampton. Nothing more Christmassy than that. Well, hardly, because on their loop, and I think the loop was half an hour long, it included Last Christmas by Wham!

and a cover of Last Christmas by Wham! by a band that sounded like The Beatles. Weird. Yes. and there were four versions of jingle bells like a straight version a french version like a reggae version where the timing changed and then like a rock and roll version and then a lot of things done by very high-pitched children's choirs and children's choirs is a thing that i never care for in songs particularly christmas songs creepy creepy creepy it's quite funny though isn't it the only time but i would still

be happy without them being there they're all saying bellsend yeah that's the only reason it's acceptable is because they're saying bellend when it comes to christmas films however i would draw the distinction thusly okay um if the film has the word santa or christmas in its title or its title character is santa like in miracle on 34th street it's only acceptable to watch it in december or the first week of january however but then in first week of january often don't feel like it oh sure yeah but it would still be acceptable i wouldn't throw you out of my house thanks um christmas tree seal up yeah but you're sick of it but there are some films that are essentially christmas films they were released at christmas they're set at christmas but they

haven't got christmas or got Christmas or Santa in the title and they don't feature Santa Claus as a character. I'm thinking here, Home Alone, Die Hard, Gremlins. They're best watched at Christmas, but it's not like Christmas Vacation where you have to watch it at Christmas. Love Actually? Love Actually, another great example.

As ITV3, as it proves, it's a bit of a bit. You can watch it every day between Brian Dowling hosting Roulette. I love the films that you associate with Christmas, not Christmassy, like Waiters of the Lost Ark, because I was on that every Christmas when I was a kid. Yeah, no, that's a really good example.

I saw that people were complaining that there's not a big Christmas premiere movie on BBC One this year, as if that still matters to anyone. I mean, I know that some people can't afford DVDs, they don't go to the cinema, and if BBC One had Frozen on, it would be a big deal. But on the other hand, really? I mean, there's so much entertainment now, does it really matter whether the film that BBC One is showing on Christmas Day

is one that they've shown in a previous year? Why don't they switch the radio on and listen to Olly Mann on LBC on Christmas Day instead? That's what all the families will be doing. Merry Christmas, everybody! We've got another Christmassy question on the phone line. My name is Richard from London, and Helian Ali answered me this. I have a question about Christmas etiquette.

I am staying at my friend's this weekend, and I knew that I wasn't going to be within the vicinity of my advent calendar on the Saturday. So on Friday, I treated myself to the extra chocolate, and when I told my friends this The confirmation I received was quite alarming

So answer me this Is it okay that if you know you're not going to be there on the date You're allowed to eat your chocolate beforehand Or do you have to wait until you get back to your earthly calendar To back deck your chocolate eating Bad Richard, of course you wait I think this is so obvious Extraordinary behaviour

We wait Outrageous Outrageous Self-denial is the spirit of Christmas Bloody right Bad Richard, of course you wait. I think this is so obvious. Extraordinary behaviour. We wait. Outrageous. Outrageous. Self-denial is the spirit of Christmas. Bloody right. As any fool knows. Absolutely.

I've had this really underlined to me actually this week because my girlfriend has been battling on using my old phone that is so broken that you need to wrap the wire around it in a certain way to charge it and only one specific way that only she knows oh right so it's on his last legs and she's been using that for ages because rumor is santa's bought her an iphone 6 plus she must have been very good this year santa has for some reason um stashed that iphone 6 plus under my desk in my home office santa is really wily and yet despite this rumor being you know rather strong and from good sources seems legit when the phone stopped working this week like

completely stopped and you couldn't charge it or use it anymore and she was worried that she might have to take her sim card and put it into a pebble to be able to use it an actual pebble not a motorola pebble um i said look why don't you just have your Christmas present early? And she looked at me like I'd really just said, look, why don't you just shit on it? I mean, really. Why don't you? I just ruined Christmas. She knows that I've got it for her because she asked for it. Yeah, but then you could have given it to her in October if it wasn't a proper Christmas present.

Well, that was her feeling. So I think, you know, if you feel that way about an actual £600 phone, you know, a 5p chocolate in an advent calendar of course you can wait until the day discipline as well until the day after or you can take your bloody advent calendar with you richard it's not a heavy thing that's true i think although if you're going somewhere where it's going to melt like if it's in a you know if it's packed up with a load of clothes in a bag or something the chocolate's shit anyway so the pleasure is opening the door although i've got the marks and spencer where's wally advent calendar this year. Yeah, but you're doing very well for yourself. It was a present.

I don't know how much it was. I can only imagine it was triple figures. You've got the joy on that of not only spotting Wally in the montage of faces on the front, which you'd expect from any Where's Wally merchandise, otherwise it's really not fulfilling his brief, but also because as you open each door

of the advent calendar, it gives you another task, like find the purple candy cane. Excuse me, I did not get into this for purple candy canes. I am interested only in the whereabouts of Wally. Well, that's fair enough. You can just have the chocolate. But, you know, if you want to play the game, essentially what I'm saying is you've got 26 different games

on one piece of cardboard that's packed with chocolate. How brilliant is that? Are the chocolates in Wally-related shapes? Not that I've noticed. Because a lot of them look like exciting, different advent calendars on the outside, and then the inside is just the same old £1, non-brand, generic advent calendar format. Yeah, my suspicion is that all the Marks & Spencer advent calendars are the same inside, and they position the doors on the outside in the right places.

We're all just humans underneath our exteriors, aren't we? Exactly. But the homogeneity of the insides of advent calendars is what made me prefer the chocolate-less ones, despite the childhood of deprivation yearning for nothing more than a chocolate advent calendar. Now I prefer just the pictures, but last year my brother Andy got

me this tea advent calendar where you had different sachets of tea every day. Oh, that's nice. That's amazing. But I took them with me, Richard, so that I could have them on the right day and not before the right day. Good. Because that is right and proper. Well, here is another festive question from Tim from Seven Oaks,

who says, on the Toys R Us ad, they proudly claim to have millions of Geoffrey all under one roof. There are millions of Geoffrey. There are millions of Geoffrey all under one roof. That would be very problematic

because Geoffrey's not pluralised there. And anyway, there's millions said Geoffrey. There's millions of toys all under one roof that's the lyrics there's millions said jeffrey so it's not jeffrey like fish or sheep where the singular is the same as the plural no oh it's it's saying jeffrey the giraffe says there are millions of toys at toys but he says there's millions says jeffrey and that's not very good grammar well that's true there are millions says Jeffrey you're under one would you be so much better this is a company

that's called Toys R Us I mean where is the grammatical correctness and also he's a giraffe he wouldn't be able to speak that's right I mean he's doing very well the whole thing is an absolute mess

why is anyone quoting him at all he's a fucking idiot yeah well he probably just cleared his throat or something however Tim says I don't remember any advert

that formally introduced the character of Geoffrey Who I assume is the giraffe Yeah, you are right That he is the giraffe, yes Tim requires a formal introduction To every branded character Ladies and gentlemen

Please meet Messer's Snap, Crackle and Pop Isn't that a secret To good environmental storytelling That you introduce the character In the context of them Carrying out some action I think with children's characters

When it's fairly obvious There's a cartoon giraffe on screen People are singing about Someone called Geoffrey I think kids can put Two and two together Geoff fairly obvious, there's a cartoon giraffe on screen. People are singing about someone called Geoffrey. I think kids can put two and two together. Geoffrey and giraffe begin with a J. Yeah, we don't need the child's cartoon equivalent of a debutante ball here. I think we can guess who's Geoffrey.

Or a Geoffrey biographical fact sheet. Tim says, nor do I ever recall seeing a Geoffrey themed item for sale in Toys R Us. So, Ollie, answer me this why did the advertisers assume this sense of familiarity with jeffrey and have they ever actually sold an item of jeffrey themed merchandise this has bothered me for about 25 years well let me take you out of your misery and say they have sold jeffrey themed merchandise ah in your face um you can and actually it's very good value uh I was just looking now on the website

Geoffrey is still a thing Of course he is, Geoffrey never dies The Christmas Geoffrey Which sounds like a sort of weird sex practice Sounds like a ghost story The Christmas Geoffrey Which is Geoffrey wearing a Christmas Santa Claus outfit You'd shock me

£4.96 from the Toys R Us website What is it, a fluffy little giraffe or a plastic toy giraffe? It's a fluffy Geoffrey wearing a Santa Claus hood. It's so weird, isn't it, that you choose, as a child, you choose a toy who is a character that owns a load of toys. No, it's not weird. Because then you might share. It's just exactly the same as watching every cartoon

in which the characters are designed to sell merchandise. Or like the bloody meerkat thing. Is it like the equivalent of when you get a wish from the genie and you wish for like 99 wishes? Is that what it is with Geoffrey? Because you can have all the toys you wanted. I don't think you understand, Martin. By buying an effigy of Geoffrey, it doesn't entitle you to all of the real Geoffrey's

possessions. The point is, compare and contrast, under a fiver for a Christmas Geoffrey. That's nice. £90 for the John lewis monty the penguin this year i mean you know that's your fault people for being excited about a commercial absolute exactly and this is the thing you know people feel all warm and fuzzy about john lewis they probably think toys are us is you know an american corporation ruining toy shops fiver for the christmas jeffrey i mean you can't complain about that i'm just hanging out for the Sainsbury's Christmas toy soldiers. That would be bad taste.

2014 is nearly at an end, so I need money to buy Christmas gifts for friends. Last year I got them all socks and they had to pretend that I'm not a stingy bitch. Well this year why not try to make some money online? Build a store through squarespace.com and perhaps tap a gold mine. And with the dosh, you can buy everyone a crate of red wine. Or milk for the kids. Kids love milk.

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And you can import content from WordPress and Blogger as well. So if you've got a shit website somewhere else, you can bring it over to Squarespace. I have got a shit website somewhere else. Then you are the ideal customer. Here's a question from Sam from Kent who says a few months ago I joined a roller derby fresh meat league. Fresh meat

league? I think she means she was a fresher and they joined a roller derby. Yeah, I can't imagine that they actually have tributes to the TV sitcom Fresh Meat in the form of roller derby. Unless it was like a meat raffle, but you had to compete for it by Roller Derby. Yeah.

All very plausible scenarios. Fresh Meat themed Roller Derby or Meat Raffle Derby. Well, actually, I had a pair when I was a kid of real Ghostbusters themed roller skates. You were pretty cool, weren't you? That's amazing. And actually, when you think about it, there's no obvious connection between the real Ghostbusters,

the animated spin-off of the classic comedy film, roller skating i bet beautiful receptionist janine from ghostbusters will wear roller skates and travel to work on them also very popular form of exercise in those days that janine and rick moranis might have partaken in together and also if their car had broken down then they might have had to skate to a ghost busting event yeah the problem was it never left my back garden in stanmore because uh my mum said i can't leave the back garden because it's too dangerous yeah that was like me and my bike wasn't allowed out the road you weren't no out the road so still on the road yeah but just your road once you free wheel down the road over the speed bumps yeah a million times yeah it's really lost its sheen you could do a wheelie over the speed but

i wasn't allowed out my back garden and we had a lot of cracked paving stones. I did fall over more than I would have on a straight bit of concrete. But that's the thing with cycling and roller skating and ice skating as well. You've got to get some momentum up. It's really difficult if you're just hovering around the edges.

That's hard. I think maybe what our parents realised is that Jewish children don't belong on wheels. Well, anyway, Sam continues. Joining the roller derby is one of the best things i've ever done it has taken me months of hard work physically exhausting training and hours and hours of falling over but i have finally been invited to try out for one of the coveted spots on the league's a squad i was over the moon. However, Sam continues,

a couple of weeks ago, I was casually chatting about roller derby with a friend and she said she'd always quite fancied having a go. I suggested she come out for a tryout session with the newbies, assuming that she'd have the skating ability of a giraffe on ice. Unfortunately, she's a bloody roller genius. Poised on your own petard. And will now be going up against me

for one of the sought after positions on the A squad despite only having been on skates for about three seconds this is like an American teen movie isn't it yes it is you've got a great set up here for what now could be a 48 part series on Netflix this is the film Whip It isn't it

it is pretty much which film? Whip It American teenage girls try out for a cricket league. It's a film about a wicket. Worst of all, continues Sam, my friend is a huge prick about this. Oh, OK. Otherwise, I didn't really think you had the right to be annoyed at your friend

turning out to be good at something. That's not her fault, but her being a prick is her fault. My friend swaggers about boasting about how quickly she was called for tryouts when I spent months of hard work and effort training for it well you idiot sam you should have just picked it up two weeks ago yeah your fault so helen answer me this how do i tell her to f off and find her own damn team especially as it was my idea she tried it in the first place i don't think that gives you the right to remove the roller derby from her just because you introduced her to it doesn't mean you can you can shut her out again yeah what i'm getting from you sam is a lot of

anger about your own lack of ability so much bitterness maybe you need to find something your friend likes and be better at it than her i think what's happened is your friend has highlighted your physical inability the fact that you took three months to even be able to stand up on roller skates and because you felt that that was an accomplishment and you felt proud of yourself she's now highlighted that actually you're below average and that is your problem you know you should still be proud of yourself that you've managed to achieve yes you shouldn't be upset that other people are more athletic than you they will be there's the olympics in the world but obviously if one of your friends ollie started a podcast and in a couple of weeks rather than the

eight years it's taken you amassed a huge audience and was very popular, more popular than you, you would probably be quite pissed off and maybe you would have them whacked rather than thinking, well, that's nice for them and it doesn't affect me, which is the rational thought. Not whacked so much as, you know,

send them a message. What message? Make them an offer they can't refuse. But if you taught them how to podcast, you couldn't then say, but you can't do it now because you're better at it no but that's a really interesting point i wouldn't but the great thing you could argue about the world of podcasts is we are a complementary medium you know it's not linear

there's room for all the podcasts exactly listening to us is not stopping people from listening to chris evans on radio too well they could be doing that right now but they're listening to this that's true but they can equally listen to that on iPlayer or they can listen to The Breakfast Show and then listen to us at another time. They could schedule it. They don't cancel each other out. But in the world of roller derby,

I mean, there is a point there which is he's competitive. There are only so many places on the team. It is not a complimentary medium. So on that point, maybe you are, you know, there is some legitimacy to be a little bit annoyed if she gets a place and you don't. You define the rules of the game. You don't have to play by those rules if you just enjoy it for the pleasure

of roller derbying then yeah don't don't don't go into that competition it's not a pleasure cruise roller derby is fierce and competitive and you're supposed to roll the shit out of each other it doesn't sound very nice to me i wouldn't get involved yeah but it's not what you're seeing just go for a nice roller roller although martin on roller skates I think would probably be our most successful YouTube video. I'm pretty good actually. I'm not a bad roller skater.

Really? Yeah, I'm alright. When was the last time you did it? I was about 14. Right. Really contemporary information then.

Let's not forget Austwick's first law. If it can be fallen over Martin will fall over it. Well, much as you might like Martin for this game to be a little bit more

genial, a little bit more good natured, I think we can tell from sam's second question to helen that it is anything but she says helen answer me this would it be bad form to break her legs on track yes it's not her fault she's better than you she might be behaving like a prat but so are you at this point also you might both get on the team i was going to say that would you still be assuming it's either or you might both be good enough to be on the team and then that would be amazing. You'd train someone up to be slightly better.

Imagine how that would feel, having that person as a comrade on the team without wanting to disable them brutally. Yes, also, you ending her being good at this won't actually make you better. Why don't you focus your anger on a member of the opposing team? The anger against your own kind will tear you apart, Sam.

You're right, actually. Yeah, yeah. You need to muster your rage. Your rage will become your muster. Use that. Use that feeling and use it in the game. What was the Mandela quotation? Something like jealousy is like drinking a cup of poison

and expecting it to kill someone else. Although sometimes I can relate to this idea of, you know, ooh, what would happen if I did this violent thing? As a child, I used to think a bit about that you were a frightening little boy i once threw a football at a middle aged woman just to see what would happen what was wrong with you it was a specific middle-aged woman oh that's fine then it wasn't random violence she deserved it no she didn't she didn't she she died of cancer five years later she was anything but deserving of it was it football cancer uh no it wasn't she came to visit did you give her the cancer with your mind stop it uh she used to live

next door my parents and my parents invited her and her boyfriend over for a drink which as far as i remember looking back on it was the only time this ever happened and i suppose it was an attempt to try and get to know the neighbors even though it had been a few years too many and it was leaving a bit late and they came around to look around the garden and they were just being so polite. They were all being so polite and middle class and they poured them a glass of wine and they were looking at the flowers and offering compliments.

Arseholes! You saw it as a live hand grenade into that social situation. I was standing at the end of the garden being like, stop being so... pretending everything's happy and fun. We've got problems too. And I picked up a football

and chucked it at the neighbour's back. I don't know why I did it. You little bundle of darkness. You're a real psychopath. And then obviously I pretended it was a mistake but I think the neighbour knew that I'd done it on purpose.

Did you manage to actually hit her with the football? Yeah. That is probably your greatest sporting achievement. Between the shoulders. Well, that's it for this episode of Answer Me This.

But wipe away your tears. Oh, yes. Because as imminently as in seven days' time. Seven days? Not 14. No. Seven. Start as imminently as in seven days' time. Seven days, not 14. No. Seven.

Start your Answer Me This Advent calendars now. We will be along with the best of Answer Me This 2014. But if you want to create great Answer Me This in 2015, we need your questions. So please send them via email, phone and Skype. And if you need your memory jogged for our contact details, go to our website. AnswerMeThisPodcast.com And do, go to our website. AnswerMethispodcast.com

And do remember to check our website during Christmas week itself, because we'll be putting up links to the shows that we're doing over Christmas as well, other podcasts that we're on and things. And also you're on on some quite hospitable hours to humans that like to be awake at proper times to be awake, aren't you? I am. Partly as a Christmas treat for me, partly because no one in their right minds would want to present a radio show on christmas day uh lbc are giving me some quite decent time slots over christmas so i'm on on christmas day and new year's day in the actual afternoon whoa there not the fake afternoon that's at one in the morning exactly real afternoon when

people can hear me uh and also uh all over the christmas period i'm i'm dotted around the schedule in the early evenings and the late evenings and things rather than overnight so all of those details on our website as well yes that's right we'll put a list up of times you can catch Ollyman

when you need to drown out your family arguing by cranking up the speech radio so join us again next week for the best of no need to wait two weeks just one week to go it's the answer to this equivalent of eating all your advent chocolates at once we just slagged him off for eating them too soon.

But we can all relate to the fantasy. Martin can't. Martin never opens his Advent chocolates. I save up. You're inhuman in the opposite way, Martin. I save up a month of chocolates and eat them all one day. That is wrong. Wrong. You can just buy chocolates, you weirdo. And thanks very much to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of Answer Me This. Bye!