Answer Me This! - AMT306: Ainsley Harriott, Colleagues on Tinder, and Chicken Kiev

Episode Date: January 22, 2015

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Do you get an Oscar these days just for being British? Has to be this, has to be this Would three weeks with Perez Hilton make anyone skittish? Has to be this, has to be this Helen and Ollie, has to be this Which came first, the chicken, the egg, or this endless fucking pile of emails about chickens and eggs? Seriously, so many of you have got in touch about this I don't remember a time before those emails so i think the chicken and the egg must have both

landed simultaneously at the beginning of time and then email shortly after so in answer me this 305 we you may recall we're discussing the relatively few dishes in the world that contain both chicken and eggs in substantial proportions so not chicken and mayonnaise. Correct. Chicken and solid eggs. Whole eggs rather than an egg-based lubricant such as a mayonnaise. Not a soup with a chicken stock that also has egg. Proper chicken and egg dishes. Edmund, and about five million other people, have been in touch to say, your discussion on chicken and eggs reminded me of another dish for your list,

one of the delights of my time spent as an exchange student in japan the discovery in a tokyo restaurant of a dish called oyakodon which is a delicious combination of chicken and egg on rice in a bowl oya is japanese for parent ko for child and don for bowl so this dish translates as parent and child bowl. Not appetising. That's kind of disgusting. Not appetising at all. Todd says, did you know that the Paul Simon song

Mother and Child Reunion was inspired by a Chinese chicken and egg meal? I didn't. And from the song, that's not obvious to me. Next thing you'll be telling us that red red wine was inspired by some sort of beverage. Paul from Bristol has also listened to episode 305 and he says i object to your assessment of size seven men's feet being tiny how could you possibly object to that i i would say that that is an objective view here is why i'm a 37 year old man and i have size five feet i dream of having size seven feet where my only problem would be slightly large socks i have to buy children's shoes the only upside of which is that they're

vat exempt so slightly cheaper and sometimes have dinosaurs on wow paul you are a tiny little baby man well he might be a huge man with small, not small, with unusual sized feet. Since he's taken offence to us typifying those feet as being below average size. I think, Paul, you're so short that a normal man's sock is like a sleeping bag for you. He might look like a beautiful ballet dancer when he walks. That's right, he might. He might. See, Paul, it's not all bad, is it? And also, you could probably get a job as a foot model for women's shoes.

Or for children. Yes. Because actually, there are licensing laws, aren't there? Yes, you can work full hours as a child shoe model. I don't believe there are any rules on the exploitation of men with tiny children's feet. No, they don't have to ask your parents for permission because you're 37.

Silver linings all over the place. No VAT, child foot modeling career. Well, Paul, the podiatrally petite Paul has a question. He says, Ollie, answer me this. Yeah, do it in a high voice to represent, obviously, how small he is. I'll do it with the tiny clomping of little shoes. He says, Ollie, answer me this. How can I stop people staring at me like I'm some kind of nonce

for frequenting children's shoe shops? Could you mail order the shoes? Would that be better? Or going to children's shoe shops very late in the day after most children have gone home? That's a good point, actually, because I imagine that the real traffic in a children's shoe shop happens for kids that aren't yet at school around kind of 11s. And then, you know, maybe after school, 4 to 5 p.m. Yeah, and don't go in school holiday time. Go on a Monday morning during term.

Monday morning, yeah, 10 a.m. Yeah. You'll be the only one in there. You'll have the whole shoe shop to yourself. You'll be like Michael Jackson in a toy shop. Yes, do a montage of yourself trying on shoes and moonwalking in them. Now, something else that has happened since our last episode, Helen, is that your podcast, the one you were crowdfunding for a few months back,

has actually started. Yes, yes, it has launched. The Allusionist. A-double-L-U-S-I-O-N-I-S-T. Yes. It's no Mickey Mouse Club, but I can spell it out. That was very impressive. I'm bad at spelling things out loud,

so obviously good that I'm doing this word podcast. Yes, I've launched that now. So thanks everybody who chipped in for funding it and Radiotopia's future. And there's a double bill of episodes and one of them is about puns and stars brother of the show, Andy Zaltzman, familiar to you from the Bugle podcast.

And because Andy didn't get his punning from nowhere, it also features Father Zaltzman, who many of you enjoyed in Answering This 200. Very dry sense of humour. The return of Zach Zaltzman to a Zaltzman family podcast. Return of Zach. Once again. Yes, it is.

And where can people find this online? Theallusionist.org, as well as iTunes and stuff. And also the other episode is about bras. So puns and bras, because I know what you like. All your interests are covered. Go and well as itunes and stuff um and also the other episode is about bras so puns and bras because uh i know what you like all your interests are covered go and listen to it very british isn't it for a show that's uh funded by a partly american company they do wear bras in america i know but it's just they do puns as well i like the fact that you've also introduced the word fortnightly into the vocabulary of roman mars he needs it because it's very hard to express the

concept of a two-week expanse of time without the word fortnight because bi-week can also mean twice a week. Yeah. See? You know what it's like these days.

Someone would be like, oh, bi-week. Well, when's trans-week? You know, it's just easier to say fortnight. Bi-week doesn't even exist. Just decide on a week.

Everyone's a little bit bi-weekly. Hi, this is Mark. Hello, and Ollie and Martin the Sandman. Can you please answer this? I'm up for a meeting in Coventry and just been walking through the city centre where there's a precinct, and there's a sign on it that says

no skateboarding or similar activities. Well, what is a similar activity to skateboarding? I can't think of any. Can you? I assumed that other activities would be similar, kind of stunt activities on wheels, like doing BMX stunts or rollerblading or other shoes with wheels on yeah not wheelchairs though those are okay zimmer frames they're fine shopping trolleys are borderline aren't they shopping trolleys fine if being used by a person who's clearly intending to carry shopping bad if being used by a teenager

having fun kiddie scooters it's basically young people having fun on wheels, isn't it? No, space hoppers either. Space hoppers are in the list. And I suppose anything related to skateboarding, so, you know, saying dude, wearing vans. Big oversized clothes. Okay, I've got a serious question. What about parkour? Or free running?

I think that is a similar activity. Is it? Yeah. It's not got wheels. You're not going to run anyone over doing parkour. Are they legally covered, though, if you smash your head open on their skating ramp by saying, well, look, no skateboarding

or other similar activities here? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I think they probably are. Any activities that will get your head smashed open. That's what the subtext is. Parkour is essentially the same as that game where you're not allowed to touch the floor. Like, the floor's made of lava

and you've got to run around your living room just on the sofa and palm chairs and stuff sofa i always thought it was more like wink murder really no not really extreme wink murder just winking really hard if you look carefully no one looks at their face why extreme wink murder is the show that is missing from challenge tv that would be great. In a strange sort of parallel universe, I'd be the kind of person who did skate and do parkour.

You know, if I was athletically able, it does appeal to me. The subculture element of it kind of does. Like it's being outside, but it's also being a bit sardonic and a bit sideways about everyone else. I'd love to know the freedom of whizzing along on skates. Yeah.

The fact is I cannot stand up on wobbly things like skates when i was nine or ten uh my friends and i used to frequent the roller disco in um the leisure center just outside uh tunbridge wells because uh what's better than whizzing around on wheels to rock set nothing nothing literally nothing um now i cannot pretend to have ever been a skater that could let go of the wall but at home my brothers used to tease me because sometimes i'd put on my roller skates and sit in an armchair and i think it was because i think i thought if if i wore them long enough it would become intuitive to skate rather than something i was spectacularly ill qualified to do people say don't they you know sitting down is the new smoking is a phrase that i've been seeing a lot on the internet finally i'm cool

yeah i'm like someone in a film noir because I sit down a lot. No, not in that way. In the sense that being sedentary is bad for your health. Oh, goodbye, everybody. And that actually sitting down too much is the sort of silent killer. At least some self-help author in the US has been saying this this week. It's a bit difficult, though, given most jobs. Well, indeed.

So what the answer to this, you know, according to various articles that I've seen trending on Twitter is, is, you know, for example, squatting whilst brushing your teeth. You know, I don't sit down whilst I'm brushing my teeth. That's one of the times when I'm not sitting down. Yeah, no, no. Doing squats like up, down, up, down, up, down. Sometimes I do do kind of plies whilst brushing my teeth, but that's because I need to strengthen my calf tendons because I have a foot condition. There you go. Well, that's an example. You see, or standing up whilst you're on one of those new standing desks that's like a really horrible idea you can get treadmill desks as well apparently graham linda has one it's like if working in office isn't miserable enough i know you can always combine it with exercise but then i suppose that's the

point isn't it if you're doing a relatively boring bureaucratic bit of work why not just combine it with exercise which is boring and you'd rather have more free time to yourself in the evening than go to the gym. Or you're browsing the internet and doing some enjoying internet fucking around itch, but you're sitting on your arse when you could be doing some slow walking. And thus exercising and making it a valuable activity rather than a time-wasting one.

I wonder if teenagers sort of vigorously wanking repetitively counts as physical exercise. One of their arms it is. Well, if you think about it, it is better than just sitting there, isn't it? You can't really do that at a standing desk, though. You could do it at work. I'm doing it right now. I'm exercising. What are you going to do about it?

Well, here is a question from Johnny at University in Aberdeen. He says, I'm up at an ungodly hour, nine past three in the morning. What are you talking about? That's primetime radio. Yeah, I'm up listening to Olly Mann on LBC. If he had, he'd have heard my conversation last night, which is, do you have an unconventional pet? Which I think is one of my favourite questions that I've ever done on LBC.

Well, he says, I'm not trying to live a day in the life of Olly Mann. It is in fact because I am deeply concerned for one of Britain's favourite celebrity chefs. And that's keeping him awake. Wow. So Olly answered me this. What the fuck happened to Ainsley harriet his sinister yet jolly face used to be on our screens daily in years gone by but

now it would appear ainsley's glory days are over do you have news on the big man you know actually to me he's very much uh a constant presence because uh he's always creeping up on you um no he's a couscous magnate, isn't he? He's pretty much the leading brand in partially made microwavable couscous. I'm sure I've seen him advertising other similar products. Yeah, there's a whole range.

Yeah, quinoa. He's the king of partially cooking things. Yeah, he's the British Uncle Ben. That's not racist. He just is. Like his face comes out the top of packets that are things that you put in the microwave for a minute. He's also probably on TV programs that we don't watch it's just that ready

steady cook isn't on anymore every day giving us a daily dose of ainsley he was on this morning this week so we're far from over i think you'll find was he cooking or doing something else he was making ainsley harriet sticky chicken thighs hot slaw and sweet potato wedges okay so it sounds like a nice sounds like yeah sounds like he's still at the top of his game. I suppose the thing is he's just not a presenter anymore, is he? It's that awful thing, you know, people think if you're not the presenter anymore, it's like you don't have a career.

You know, he's got his couscous empire. He still does his books. He had a book out in 2011. I know it's not that recent, more recent than ours. But people still buy them. Still buy them. Yeah. But Fun Britain, I think, is the same.

You're talking about former presenters of Ready, Steady, Cook. And then she was on TV every day on this morning and of course we are talking about that very regularly and we have that conversation almost constantly former presenters of Ready Steady Cook my mastermind specialist subjects former presenters of Ready Steady Cook

what has Fun Britain got to do but she's not on TV every day anymore you don't see her that often at all no but she's interviewing people in cuddly jumpers about their Christianity and she's happy with that is she? because she's very ambitious as cuddly jumpers about their Christianity and she's happy with that. Is she? Because she's very ambitious as we know because we listen to her autobiography.

Do you think Ainsley Schtick has been somewhat damaged by the fact that what he does is fairly achievable and you've already got Jamie Oliver covering that? I think what happened, to be honest,

is that when Jamie and Nigella came along, they weren't really selling food anymore. I know Ainsley was selling food plus personality, but they were selling food plus personality plus, they weren't really selling food anymore. I know Ainsley was selling food plus personality, but they were selling food plus personality plus sex, weren't they? Yeah.

And sex wins, doesn't it? That's the thing. So now you really can't get a TV show as a celebrity chef unless you're selling sex as well as everything. Or I'm on a mission, you know. I'm going to change the way, whatever, you know, prisoners eat. I haven't closely followed his career,

but from the little exposure I've had to him, I feel like his larger-than-life persona has a certain kind of energetic desperation that suggests he's not actually that comfortable in front of the spotlight, and it's actually maybe just a short period of exposure that he needed to kick-start his brand. A short period of about 20 years or so. Well, yeah, maybe you can hold back this up with more detail.

He's a very experienced broadcaster, but Martin's's right his on-air personality is slightly edgy and that is what is being hinted at in this question from johnny as well isn't it that it's not i wouldn't say he's sinister but i would say you got the impression and i'm sorry to bring anthony warrell thompson into it again because i know he's had his problems but again the two of them warrell thompson and harriet i think both of them slightly edgy and now celebrity chefs have to look as i say, completely relaxed, completely in their own skin and like they want to sleep with you right then. Brian Turner wouldn't get on telly now, would he?

No, that's the thing. But has Ainsley Harriet ever done I'm a Celebrity or anything like that? No, I don't think he has. Does he be good on that or Celebrity Big Brother? He must have been asked, mustn't he? Must have been. He's the kind of person who'd turn up for a task on Big Brother. You know, the celebrities have to play won't cook, can't cook yeah and he'd turn up and do a parody of himself yeah he's done a bit

of that like if you look at his recent cv he was in the last ever episode of my family apparently right i i never watched my family but i imagine that he was doing a parody of a celebrity chef in that so he's up for a bit of that i wonder if he's stable enough to do three weeks in a celebrity reality show or just too sensible they want people who are going to break and a lifetime of psychological upset is going to come pouring out. But we're all assuming he wants the attention. I repeat, he is a couscous magnate. He is the Lloyd Grossman of couscous. Lloyd Grossman was on TV a lot.

Big pile of money. And he doesn't even go on MasterChef that he had a hand in the format of. Because he's just like, ah, fuck it, I've got my jars of sauce. Yeah, exactly. I tried some of Barry Norman's pickled onions the other day. Yes, they're quite strong, aren't they? So strong. So strong. And because they're sort of bewildered by

the celebrity factor, there's nothing on the jar to indicate the aggression. If you were marketing them just as a normal pickled onion by someone who wasn't famous you would call them Barry's extra hot fuck me pickled onions. What aspect about them is strong? Sharp. They're very acidic.

Very sharp. Because a few years ago, Oli, you and I had a bet on with our friend Leon. He was saying that his branch of Waitrose or something had, I can't remember how many types of pickled onion he said. He claimed something like 20. And we said, but it's got four And we were right, so he bought us a jar of Barry's pickled onions But that jar is still in my fridge

Because we just can't get through them It's like embalming fluid with onions in it I've got a question Then email your question To answer me this podcast At googlemail.com Answer me this podcast at googlemail.com. Answer me this podcast at googlemail.com. Answer me this podcast at googlemail.com. Answer me this podcast at googlemail.com. So retrospectives, what historical events are we ticking off on this week's run of Today in History?

On Monday, we bring you the real story of the mutiny on the bounty. On Tuesday, the anniversary of the day somebody invented the meatball, but who? On Wednesday, the iconic British car that ripped off an iconic American car. On Thursday, how American airlines invented air miles. And on Friday, the UFO sighting that gripped colonial America. We discuss this and more on Today in History with The Retrospectors. Ten minutes each weekday, wherever you get your podcasts. A question of marriage now from someone who calls themselves

Matri Money Troubles in Kent. Yeah, so you can probably guess roughly where this is going. It's going to be a question about marriage and money. I'm deducing. You've really given it away. We haven't got the question yet Next He says

One of my oldest and best friends Is getting married next month And I've been asked, he says To be one of the two best men Gives the lie to that superlative The fact of two Doesn't it? You're doing best

Well you had two best men I had two best men You have to say that It's two good men You just can't decide your favourite I'm thrilled about it all continues Matrimony Troubles as he's marrying A very nice woman who is Obviously way out of his league and we all

Get a free dinner and a disco out of it Free dinner, free disco, what's the Money trouble Matrimony Trouble Well he says For wedding presents go out of it. Free dinner, free disco. What's the money trouble? That's the money trouble. Well, he says, for wedding presents, they've asked for cash See? Money troubles. Normal now. Is it? Yes. To help with their honeymoon instead of items for the house

which they've already fully kitted out over their years living in sin. Living in sin is really about going to Ikea and putting up bookshelves and stuff. It's the most sinful place of all, isn't it? The homeres department of john lewis a lot of stabbings happen there now he says to help them with their wedding prep my wife an illustrator has designed their invitations etc free of charge a service for which she'd normally charge several hundred pounds also and despite what i've come to regard as standard wedding custom, myself and the other best man, another of our close friends,

have been expected to buy our best men's suits out of our own pockets. Not even asked to buy either, just expected to. Yeah. I mean, was there the option to wear a suit you already owned? Because if so, I feel like you should have been given that option. But if he said you have to buy this kind of suit, this very specific model of suit, then it becomes more clouded. I've been best man twice and both times the wedding party paid for my suit. One was an Indian wedding, so I really couldn't have been expected to have had that in my cupboard. And had I mocked it up myself, it would have been very racist.

The other was a sort of more traditional black tie wedding but even so there were like sort of long tails and coats and things that you had to hire you can't be expected to own a morning suit exactly i can see why matrimony troubles this has vexed you built up a bit of resentment inside you because i think that's what's happened isn't it it's not that either of these things is so individually objectionable that you would write to us but clearly now there's another thing we're about to find out what's the straw that's broken the camel's back now you look back and you think oh but there's all this money stuff but free meal and disco weigh it up well this is it well here's the question i mean guess what it's going to be but he says helen answer me

this having already spent around 400 pounds on suits and accommodation and the stag do because that's something you forget about the stag do 400 quid though for all of those things that is i mean that is not that expensive it's average it's true the suit you can wear again he's got more this is a list having saved them a fortune on wedding stationery yeah but you didn't have to do that they kind of did but they could have charged a minimal fee couldn't i don't think you should be adding that to the balance sheet because i've done that loads for friends weddings because i want to and i'm flattered that they've asked me to do something and I don't consider it something that I've lost money by doing. I wouldn't have done it if I couldn't afford the time on it.

Well, this is the thing. He says, and I'll lose a day's work to attend the event itself. So would it be churlish of me to not give them any cash in their wedding card? I mean, why give them the card? They've already had enough of your illustrations, right? Just give them any cash in their wedding card i think it was give them the card they've already had enough of your illustrations right just give them a bill um yes it would be churlish that's exactly what it would be i mean i went to my friend stephen becker's wedding uh in canada yes you did and we still took a wedding present you can imagine what it cost to go to canada for a wedding and you dislocated your shoulder how much did that cost to get fixed in hospital bills yes i would have expected them to

refund me i hope their love is worth your pain um but we brought a present and it was completely impractical we should have actually brought money thinking about it but we went to laura ashley and got them a mantelpiece clock which is a reasonable suitcase you would put it in our suitcase took it to canada and then they then decided to live on the other side of canada so it would cost the money to take it there and then eventually they flew back to live on the other side of Cannes. It would have cost them money to take it there. And then eventually they flew back to England. Presumably they flew it back to England again. Have they got it? Have you checked? I haven't checked. I haven't been to their new house.

They probably dropped it in a lake about 10 minutes after you came. Actually, they've been slightly reticent about inviting us to their new house. I wonder if that's the reason. They've got a baby, so that's probably the reason. But maybe it is that the Laura Ashley Clark is a makeshift potty. I just think when things are breakable like that and you've moved continents, you've got two solid excuses

for having disposed of the wedding present ages ago. I think that's right. I'd be cool with it. But the point is, at the time, I felt like we had to give them something on the day. I know that people act like dicks when it's their weddings and you're expected to put up with it. And I hear your pain, matrimony troubles,

but I just don't think the amount of money you'll be saving is worth it for the trouble that it will cause in your friendship going forward exactly how important is your friendship if you're one of two best friends being considered for the best man role yeah presumably your friendship is important even a moderate amount of dickishness in the wedding year is acceptable you know that's part of the to and fro the swings and balances of being a friend yes uh just just think what's this friend worth to me another hundred quid i can afford it just do it you can afford it emotionally just balance it out over your life or think if this were you and you'd acted in exactly the same way because you you're married so you know the kind of psychological

state that can put a person in and maybe you didn't act like a dick yourself so you're not willing to accept the dickishness and others i think actually that's what's going on here this often happens when people plan weddings they think well the way we planned our wedding was perfect because everyone tells people oh your wedding was amazing we loved your wedding you had a great wedding we had such a great time at your wedding your wedding was the best wedding ever are you suggesting they're lying to me what i'm saying is that's what they say to everyone now of course it's the truth in your case because yours definitely was the best wedding ever fuck you you're such a bastard it is what everyone says to everyone so he probably our correspondent here probably thinks well our wedding was the best ever we didn't ask people

to uh contribute free services like making our stationery and then ask them for money as well um so he's doing this as a sort of economic exercise a balance sheet but doesn't work like that no absolutely not. And also, do you think he would feel differently if instead of cash it was a wedding list? Do you think having converted his money into napkins or whatever, he wouldn't feel quite so aggrieved that the balance sheet was way out of whack? No, I think he'd still feel aggrieved. Can you consult with the other best man and um see what he's doing and coordinate a

policy if you gave a joint present as best men that would be nicer because it would mean more it's like an emotional thing you could buy it in the sales and it could be saving money yeah even though they've asked for money from the best men they'd probably accept a gift wouldn't they that they get to keep forever it could just be a framed picture of them which would cost less than the money you'd spend you got us framed pictures very nice of you so there you go and we didn't have a wedding they were the best wedding present ever absolutely that's what everyone always tells me money that we spent on our honeymoon um actually here's a plan right it makes you look a lot more generous than giving five times the amount of cash get them a really special book in which you've written a really heartwarming

note in the front and that might be 20 quid rather than 100 quid which is probably the expected wedding present donation from a couple yeah but what's the definition of special book i mean how special can it be for 20 quid i don't know jamie's meals in minutes what are you gonna get well whatever's in the charity shop i've got 1987 jackie annual i got for 20p perfect got lots of advice about boys that you could use for marriage. I think you'll find even though I did charge you 20p for that, it was a great wedding present.

Ladies and gentlemen, we now proudly present The Intermission, brought to you by Episode 69. Dudes, available to buy at answermethisstore.com. This is Shep from Brighton. Answer me this. Why is it that my twin brother has a significantly bigger wanger than I do?

That's got to smart, hasn't it? Do you think they were comparing the right penises? Because if they weren't, it could be that he had a semi on. True. Maybe you were just a bit shy. About showing your twin brother your penis, you fucking weirdo. But then, look, the thing is, to be fair, this is his twin brother. He's probably seen his wanger over numerous occasions,

over numerous years of his life, and he's come to the conclusion at this stage... Through all that new modelling they did together. Exactly. He now knows. He's saying it as a fact, isn't he? Significantly bigger wanger. It could be perspective.

I mean, maybe his twin brother's thinking exactly the same thing. Yeah, because looking down at your own wanger is going to make you look shorter, isn't it? Oh, that's what they always say to people that have got small knobs, is that whole thing, just look in a mirror,

it looks totally different. Measure it from the small of your back. Measure it from your nose. To ask us a question using your voice rather than your typing hands, give us a ring on the following number. 0-2-0-8-1-2-3-5-8-double-7

And to send one in via Semaphore, maybe just film it on your phone. Then email it in. Or upload it to YouTube, send us the link. Or tweet it to us.

You could find it if it's a short Semaphore. Yeah, but I would suggest probably just emailing it or calling or phoning Skype because we don't even take questions that people have submitted via Twitter. No, that's true. It can't be asked. It's just really phone, Skype and email.

Tell you what happens when we get a Twitter question. Yeah. We go, huh. That's it. That's the reaction. You think, oh, Helen Olly will have three minutes of banter with this. Bants. Well, banter. The quality bants is this.

Or it happens two weeks before we're next doing the podcast and we've forgotten. Yeah. Sorry. Yeah. We did tell you. Yes. Been very precise. Twitter is just for your friendship. We enjoy your feedback. As I say, semaphore. Fine.

We'll be watching. Wherever you are. Let's see who's called us this week. Hello, it's Rebecca calling from Letchworth. Helen, Ollie and Martin the sound man, please answer me this. Are chicken Kievs named after Kiev in Ukraine or is it actually nothing to do with Kiev in Ukraine at all? Well, she's kind of right on both points. They were named after Kiev in Ukraine,

but they are nothing to do with Kiev in Ukraine. Okay, so why did people think that what is sometimes a relatively sophisticated dish, but is more often than not now sold as some processed frozen turkey with some garlic butter in the middle of it? Why did they think to name that after Ukraine? I think Kiev has an undeservedly shit reputation, but it is a delicious breadcrumb-y food.

Let's park our feelings. I'm asking etymologically, why? Well, I have to tell you a lovely story, Ollie. The tale of chicken Kiev. Okay, but when I say let's park our feelings, I intend to tell you more about how I feel about Kiev. I can tell. There's a lot there.

The emotions are already kind of vibrating out of every pore. But I'm just trying to keep, know factually consistent here let's answer the question okay so i'm going to tell you listeners what i think to be the most probable truth of the tale of kiev right because it is a story with many variations it sounds like rachomon it's like rachomon but made of chicken in the 19th century century, a lot of Russian chefs went to Paris to learn their trade because things that were French were very sophisticated and prized. Yes. And in France, they had a similar dish, but made of veal.

The chefs took that back to Russia, and then it got made of chicken because chicken was a more valuable meat because it was so expensive and rare, relatively. Oh, really? Yeah. And then after the Second World War, there were a lot of Russian and Ukrainian immigrants to New York. So restaurants there that were trying to bring in people from those countries started serving chicken Kiev

and they started calling it chicken Kiev to remind them of the homeland. Kiev, why, I don't know. I wonder whether it's because it was an Eastern European place name that people americans could say and spell yeah yeah four letters indeed so i don't think it actually had a proper kiev connection but it really it really caught on my favorite thriller yeah absolutely but the proper chicken kiev didn't even have garlic in it it just had butter and that was and the chicken was supposed to be flavorsome enough then in these in these times

of precious chickens that you didn't need any garlic and certainly not cheese or mushrooms inside okay good enough for me let's now talk about our love of chicken kiev it is good i haven't had a chopped up chicken kiev in a sandwich with some bacon oh my god that was one of the best sandwiches my entire life slow down yeah you took a chicken kiev a couple of a couple of weeks ago we had spare spare chicken Kievs from the dinner the night before. It was cold in the fridge? It was cold in the fridge. You chopped it up and put it in a sandwich?

It was Saturday morning. There's no excuse to make it sound like somehow circumstances make it all right. It would be worth cooking the Kiev just for the sandwich. No. Chicken Kiev and bacon sandwich. Fantastic.

I've never seen you look so happy. Blimey. Never been so happy. Was there butter on the bread? Yes. Was there mayonnaise? I like my bacon sandwiches pretty plain and my Kiev and bacon sandwiches similarly unadorned.

You don't want to distract from the main events. That almost sounded like homestyle southern wisdom until you said unadorned. I like my chicken Kiev sandwiches like I like my men. Unadorned. I like my chicken Kiev sandwiches like I like my curtain poles. Unadorned. I'd actually even go cheaper and nastier with Kiev

I know it's wrong this is from Tesco it's pretty nasty cheaper and nastier I like Bernard Matthews mini Kievs mini I know that they are

filth but I really like them it is the taste of childhood for me like it's the one so that those turkey those ones yeah

are they tiny spherical ones like a picnic egg Yes And they are To the developing Taste buds Of the young Olly man

They were like smack And it just Takes me straight back Did they just Fire them into your mouth Using a little Catapult Like a tennis launcher

Well they're For a kid They're quite a sophisticated Taste because you've got Two stages Exactly And also the heat From within

So they seem hot On the outside and then they cool down a bit but exactly there's magma inside if you take the whole thing in your mouth at once so it's a learning experience as well yes um and a very very simple cheesy savory taste inside delicious yeah what creamy cheesy i know it's disgusting but what i'm saying is still now if i want a little nostalgia trip and literally I'm talking about twice a decade here yeah I will go and stock up my freezer with mini Kiev's and arctic roll and it's the happiest day of your life it's kind of amazing I still love that taste yep yeah because it's great yeah chicken Kiev was essentially as far as I understand the uh ready meal which

revolutionized Marks and Spencerencers in the UK. I believe it was the first chilled ready meal. So a relatively sophisticated entrant to the ready meal market rather than frozen spaghetti or all-in-the-bag stir fries. Because our whole life, M&S and Waitrose, I guess, have been purveyors of quality or seen as much better quality ready meals to have at home from fresh ingredients. But it's weird to think that only about 10 years before that yeah they were only known for pants really and then it was like chicken kiev changed their fortune changed everyone's lives doesn't it chicken kiev yeah it's awesome it is awesome we can actually all agree on that which is nice after last week's olive debacle like a lot of those foods that are now sniffed at because they're 70s like black forest

gato is a delicious gato well. Prawn cocktail, very good. Well, yeah, but prawn cocktail is what gave me food poisoning in Reno, so I'm still a little bit ho-hum about prawn cocktail. Okay, fine, but as recently as three weeks ago, you thought delicious enough to order on holiday. That tells you what you need to know. It's a good dish. Right before it made me vomit, I thought prawn cocktail is A-OK. Then I thought, God damn you, 70s This is your fault Every podcast I listen to

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You'll show Squarespace that you love us even more than our peers and they'll continue to keep us in tea and biscuits and beer and drugs and past cars. Thank you very much to our generous benefactors Squarespace and I have been using Squarespace recently to set

up my new site theillusionist.org for my podcast as aforementioned. And do you find Helen that they make it easy to make beautiful and easy to use websites? They really do, Ollie, because you're making all the changes to the front of the website. There is no back end, no back end people. And the feeling it gives me is like when you go to someone's house that is really beautifully minimalist. And you're like, where's all their shit? Where's all their mess? Where's their cupboard full of shit?

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remember to use the code ANSWER. And you get a domain thrown in with all the hosting and designing. So that's also very good. They win the internet. Bravo, Squarespace. Well, here's a question from Nicola who says, whilst frantically shopping for the finishing touches for Christmas presents,

I came across Britney Spears hair product. The perfect stocking filler. And I got to wondering about the timeline of her promotional items. Ollie answered me this. Did Britney Spears' hair products go into circulation before or after her hair shaving incident yeah it is an interesting product collusion

isn't it when you think that is one of the things she's most famous for in tabloid circles it was a while ago though wasn't it 2007

it was a while ago I mean Divine Brown was a while ago but you say Hugh Grant and you do think of it in one of your top three things yeah true same with Britney my top three things full all time i would say hugh grant

you think four weddings leveson divine brown i think that's not fair i think uh divine brown four weddings throwing beans at a paparazzo britney i think schoolgirl outfit justin timberlake shaving the hair off that's what i think well her huge breakdown was quite a big thing. It was, exactly. So, fair comment. And that is probably why the hair care range is exclusive to Lidl. Oh, really? Yeah. And only in Britain? It's across all of Europe, so wherever Lidl has a supermarket. But not in America? But not in America.

December the 18th they hit the shelves. The very time Nicola sent us this email, she was essentially one of the first people in the world to see the Britney Spears hair range. and there she was sending us a question as if oh this must be some outdated thing from seven years ago no no it's only just hit the shelves i suppose it makes sense because britney uh whether you like it or not is a very affluent perfumier good thing is uh it's quite cheap i'm not surprised surprised. It's a little, firstly. Yes, indeed.

The hairbrushes, which come as part of the set, you can, five of them, you can collect, different colours. Yeah, why would you need five hairbrushes? Well, why do you need a Britney Spears-branded hairbrush at all? To find need. To do voodoo with, of course. £1.99 each. I mean, that is bargainers for quite a still,

I wouldn't say top-level star, but certainly someone people have still heard of She's on the B list Isn't she But you have to wonder Don't you How much these people Know about the products

With their names on Do One Direction even know That they are on Liquid toothpaste At Superdrug Oh they really They are They really are

Liquid toothpaste Yes That's interesting isn't it Because you'd think Teenage girls would want Some Harry Styles Cream in their mouth I rather assumed

That was the message But liquid Yep I mean that's not the right consistency it is when it's fresh yeah okay here's a question from mark who says ollie answer me this any idea why dusters are always yellow with red stitching nope i mean i've looked into it and there are three competing theses i mean i'll tell you what they all are yeah that's generous but i can't honestly tell you which it is is it it because Ronald McDonald had a hand in all of them?

Look, okay, here's the thing. Yellow dusters with red stitching, yes, they are the most common to buy. Yes. But actually, you can buy others. You can buy pink, you can buy blue. Yes, you absolutely can. I've seen them. They exist.

Kind of faded beige. Two reasons why I think those don't sell now. One, you can't see the dust so well on them. Two, and I return, I'm'm afraid to my answer on the red cups at american pool parties yes people have grown up knowing yellow dusters thinking dusters are yellow when they go to the supermarket they don't want to be challenged on that they want the product they know you can get other colored rubber gloves but you've probably got yellow ones exactly yeah so really in truth you know the technology exists to make other, but now people ask for yellow dusters. That really is the answer.

But why were they yellow in the first place? Yes. Three competing theories. Okay. Firstly, some say when they were originally introduced in the 1850s, the psychological signal that was being sent by the yellow was to remind people of spring cleaning. Here comes sunshine, clean your house.

Reminds you of wiping your windows with a freshly hatched hen. Yeah, now I think that's bullshit. But apparently yellow cloth, which would have come from China in the 1850s, would have been the cheaper colour to get. Oh, so it's an economic thing. It's economic, but they would have said, look, remind yourself of spring. It was like we did yellow rubber ducks some years ago, and I think it was just because the rubber was in that colour already.

Yeah. I'm not so sure about that theory anyway theory number two dusters were once recycled butter muslin okay so it was stained yellow and absorbed the color used in butter when it was wrapped yes then also makes sense the practical housewife would reuse it as a duster so now it's a heritage nod exactly and actually i actually, I'm more convinced by that one. Yes, that's good. Theory number three, similarly a nod to heritage. It's an echo of yellow chamois leather, which is a kind of natural colour of chamois leather that people use to polish other things around their house.

I'd say all three of those explanations seem reasonably plausible. Well, that's why I gave them, Helen. Who am I to judge? But I'm just saying my personal favourite is the chamois leather one. But what of the red stitching? Is that because that just looks best against a very bright yellow? Most colours don't go well with that. Black would look great.

Or like a dark blue. But actually, I think whichever theory you choose, what's interesting is that it doesn't really come from necessity. It comes from a nod to heritage cleaning. So that, you know, whichever it is, what we're basically saying is when mass production and industrialisation arrived towards the end of the Victorian era,

you want to remember the heritage of what would have been previously for hundreds of years your mum showing you how to clean a thing. So whichever excuse you choose, whichever theory you go for, they're all kind of reminders of a kind of heritage of cleaning, which is quite nice in a way.

In a way. In a way. As nice as cleaning can be. Maybe it's just that you're scrubbing dirt. Maybe you want to look at something brightly coloured for a change. It does make it a bit cheerier. Yes. Yeah. Also, I'd certainly recommend these dusters.

Buy fresh ones for this, but when you've got a cold, very gentle on the nose, much more than tissues or hankies. Yes. You blow your nose into dusters? Yeah, clean ones, not dusty ones. That's a sick indication of how the Western world is wasteful, Helen, do you need than someone who blows their nose into a duster? Yeah, then you put them through the wash

and then you can blow your nose in them all over again. Good tip. I use pledge wipes. That wouldn't work to wipe your nose on. No, but it's certainly good for making your face a shining mahogany. I use it for polishing my wood. You get me. Thanks for going there.

Thanks. Thanks for lifting this section about cleaning into another place. When your other sources are no help or meet with disapproval Where can you go when your mum doesn't know and you can't be arsed to Google. Answer me this podcast at googlemail.com. 0208 123 5877 0208 123 5877 0208 123 5877 three, five, eight, double seven. Four, two, one, two, three, five, eight,

double seven. The musical stylings of listener Chris there. Beautiful work, Chris. Thank you very much. Andy has emailed us with this. He says, I recently stumbled across a work colleague on Tinder. Awkward. That is what a stalker would say, isn't it?

Oh, just stumbled across you. I have a strict rule, he continues, about not dating people from work. Plus, she's too short for me. Oh, come on. So I swiped left. You really can't help your height. Out of almost everything from your physical appearance, that's the thing you can least help. Correct.

But Helen answered me this. Seeing as she'll have seen me on Tinder too and may have swiped right... Confident. May not have, though. Should I mention it to her in some casual way to explain that I swipe left just because I don't want to date workmates? She does seem a bit weird around me, he continues,

and I'd like to clear the air. And she has a boyfriend. So is it OK to spread this gossip around the office? I think the classy thing to do, Andy, would be to say to her, oh, I saw you on Tinder. I swiped left because I don't date colleagues, but also because you have a boyfriend. That's not the classy thing to do.

That's totally twisting the knife in. I didn't consider you good enough to swipe right. And by the way, I know you're playing around. You don't say that. Well, I think Andy would because he's like, oh, it's too short. Should I tell the whole office as well that it's still in there?

I think this is quite interesting because apparently Tinder is full of married men who are looking for something on the side. And attached women. Well, evidently. You don't hear so often about that.

Because women are more discreet. It takes two to fuck. And apparently there are married women on there as well. That's where the famous phrase goes. The famous phrase goes. Or more.

Yeah, indeed, yeah. Point is, isn't it interesting that there are probably just as many married or otherwise engaged women looking for fun as there are men? Fun. That is the most... So open to misinterpretation, isn't it, of all the euphemisms? Because one person's fun is going to Peyton and Byrne for a cake.

That is fun. It is fun. It's my fun, it's your fun. Another kind of fun is someone trading a picture of their bumhole. How do you know? How do you know? And they need to be more precise. It's like putting us in the comedy category. Imagine if you went to Peyton and Burn and showed them your bumhole. Who's to say I don't? They don't have a loyalty card.

Is that what you think happens on Tinder? That people swap pictures of their bums? Well, gaydar. I've seen gaydar activities are the same. Why should Tinder be much less? I've never joined one of these things, but my understanding from talking to women about this is that they put I'm up for a bit of fun

which is one of the options, right? And they do get cock shots back. Yeah, yeah. Or at least, you know, man in a bathroom mirror bulging Calvin Klein's giving a thumbs up and that's, to a lot of women,

not fun. Yeah. You know, they literally mean I want someone to go and watch The Hobbit with. We've all ducked off to The Hobbit though. Because it's jacked off to the whole bit, though. Because it's so boring.

We needed something to get us through. There's something... It's the dwarves. It's Christopher Lee for me. Still got it, hasn't he? I don't know. I don't think I like the tone of this Andy's question very much. For a start, he seems really full of himself.

Like, I don't think she really gives a shit. And B, if she is in a relationship, that is potentially quite harmful. Well, yes. I that he would ask, should I tell everyone in the office? Well, no, you shouldn't. No, you should just tell everyone on a podcast. But the thing that she obviously is anxious about,

I think, reading between the lines, is that he's seen that she's playing around if she's in a long-term relationship. She's not bothered that you swipe left. Well, she might be because everyone likes to be found attractive, don't they? Do you think he should broach this with her at all then? He should mind his own fucking business, I think. okay i do you not think he's been really it's like that's kind

of intrusive like is it a close work colleague i don't know i would just forget about it i suppose it's an exciting thing to find out though about someone you work with it is it is juicy i don't think there's anything in this that suggests he should initiate an interaction if she comes to him and says you know i saw you on tinder do you mind just keeping that quiet because you know a bit awkward yeah fine but there's no reason you shouldn't share a conversation about this is it also possible that she will have a tinder profile lurking around from when she was single and just hasn't really done anything with it since she's been with her boyfriend maybe she and her boyfriend have an open relationship or maybe they're having difficulties you know none of this

is any of his business also i think I think there are quite a lot of people who are on things like Tinder, not because they're looking for sex, but they're just looking for people to find them attractive, just to remind them, you know, they've still got it, even though they're in a relationship, they're not on the market, they've still got it. And that's fun for them, isn't it?

Yeah, lucky them. Again, problem with a word. Yeah, so it's not as much swiping as stroking their ego. Exactly. Maybe the thing to do is go up to her and say, look, you know, we both know that I saw that you're looking for fun. I'm on the way to do is go up to her and say look you know we both know that i saw that you're looking for fun i'm on to the i'm on the way to the loo now anyway if you want a photo of

my cock i can email it to you since we're on the internal system that is no point of using the mobile app well listeners if you want to send us something preferably not cock shots you can use our apps but you can also email us or you can call us or you can skype us and we keep our contact details on our website answer me this podcast.com where you can also find or you can Skype us and we keep our contact details on our website AnswerMeThisPodcast.com where you can also find links to our Twitter and our Facebook pages where we do not accept questions, just interesting correspondence Indeed

and you can find the links to the Answer Me This store where you can buy our first 170 episodes and our albums and our apps. And you can see posts that we've put up in between episodes because sometimes we answer your questions and address your feedback there yes and remember between episodes that you can now find not just my spin-off podcast but helen's as well the illusionist magical name isn't it it is beautiful uh and mine which is the media podcast what about my podcast brain train global

lab send the ladies podcast coming out of my arse. Yeah, literally, your podcast where you're just guffing into a mic. That comes on every day. I think, you know, basically far those under optional. And it just remains for us to say thank you to Squarespace.com for sponsoring this episode, and thanks to you for listening to it. Please come back for more in a fortnight. Bye!