Answer Me This! - AMT315: Goatees, Jazz Dabs and Getting a Stonk On

Episode Date: May 28, 2015

Today's questioneers need help with a caffeine overdose, infidelity discovery and getting a stonk on. Plus Olly discovers a surprising new phobia.You will find full notes about this episode at http://answermethispodcast.com/episode315Send questions to [e-mail], or the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis)Tweet us http://twitter.com/helenandollyBe our Facebook friend at http://facebook.com/answermethisSubscribe on iTunes http://iTunes.com/AnswerMeThisBuy old episodes and albums at http://answermethisstore.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Why weren't there more gags in the Queen's Speech? Have to be this, have to be this Will I get sand in my pants if I drink sex on the beach? Have to be this, have to be this Helen and Ollie, have to be this You know what we say, if we can kick off the episode with a bit of grave desecration, we like to So this episode, as if stealing stones from Canterbury Castle weren't enough, we open with this confession from Davy from Maryland.

Doesn't answer me this listener's spree of stealing. He says, when I was in Paris a couple of years ago and visited the Père Lachaise Cemetery, I stole a piece of a shattered headstone from one of the graves. Was it shattered or was it shattered after you had a go on it, Davy? He says, I figured no one was going to repair that shattered headstone from one of the graves was it shattered or you was it shattered after you had a go on it davey he says i figured no one was going to repair that particular headstone did they have like some writing on it going no one care uh so far i haven't been haunted by french ghosts but only time will tell that's pretty outrageous isn't it if everyone did that it wouldn't be the largest grave site in Paris anymore. No, but then it would be clear for someone to build a car park on it.

Well, actually, it would be clear for more bodies. Apparently that is an issue at Père Lachaise, is they put multiple bodies in the one grave because it's so popular. I think that's very common in city cemetery nowadays. Why would you do that, though? He hasn't said that it's from a famous grave. No, well, he's being, I think, deliberately elusive about that. It probably is from Oscar Wilde's or Jim Morrison's, isn't it? Because why would you just nick someone you've never heard of's grave?

Well, it's a souvenir of having gone to Père Lachaise. But, you know, they had to take away singer Nick Drake's headstone because so many people were stealing bits of it. So now his family have no headstone. This is what people like you are doing! But if the problem was that people were taking it, surely the solution isn't to take it away. I mean, they would have naturally gone away anyway.

Well, you've ruined it for everyone now. Hello, this is Eve and Alice in Falmouth. My friend Alice, she, well, she drank five energy drinks and how many? Five pro pluses on Monday and it's Tuesday now and she just wants to know, is she going to die or, like, have a heart attack or something? I think she'll wants to know if she's going to die or have a heart attack or something. I think she'll be fine, but she's very concerned.

It's been over 24 hours, she wants me to tell you. I thought if she made it through the first 24 hours, that's probably the real danger zone, right? Yes, I agree. I mean, of course, we don't know Alice's physique. So we don't know how large she is and that is part of it because there's a different ratio of how much caffeine you can handle depending on how much blood you have. 100 milligrams of caffeine per litre of blood is the threshold at which

you could have a fatal problem. Jeepers. In unlikely scenarios you know that stretch. Fatal problem? Well you could die is what I'm trying to say. Could be lethal. Fatal is a problem. Fatal is a big problem yeah. But how many milligrams of caffeine are there in say a cup of coffee or tea right good question thank you the average cup of coffee has 100 milligrams of caffeine in it right so you could die with five cups of coffee yes you could die

with five cups of coffee but that's five cups of coffee taken in quick succession and that's rare so most people don't do that and most people don't die and most people have a higher tolerance but it is potentially fatal to have five cups of coffee very fast a pro plus tablet has 50 milligrams of caffeine so about half an espresso so technically so long as your friend hasn't had more than 10 pro pluses in a hit she's unlikely to die but five pro pluses and five energy drinks yeah the energy drinks introduces a whole other level of uh of fatal problems. Because you've got glucose as well. How much caffeine is there in the energy drinks, though, typically?

Well, that depends which one you get, doesn't it? Some of them have got taurine, haven't they? Or guarana, or speed. Not just caffeine. I find it bizarre that this is a trend that has lasted. Because as long ago as when we were sixth formers, there was the beginning of Red Bull coming to this country and marketing energy drinks there always were energy drinks before but they were for sports people in tracksuit bottoms they were very earnest and glucosey yeah um but the

idea of it being a fashion accessory and one that you sort of like the suggestion always seemed to be you take with drugs or instead of drugs when you go clubbing that's something that happened when we were about 18 right or with vodka in it yeah um and that's still with us you think about other trends from the 90s they've definitely ended now no a lot of them are coming back now yeah that's the upsetting thing even those little chokers that look like tattoos they're coming back everyone's gonna look like princess momby i i had a press release the other day about a perfect gift for father's day it's not ck1 is it the suggestion of the perfect gift for father's day was one of those sort of beaded leather

necklaces that brad pitt wears and i just thought the idea of getting that for my dad is so hilarious that it's almost worth doing just because if i actually gave it to him as a present he'd have to wear it for at least the day oh that'd be amazing well is it one of those ones that's made out of cowrie shells yes that kind of kind of thing, yeah, yeah. Yes, please get one for Stanley. Amazing, amazing look for any 70-year-old Jew. I don't think you could even see it if my dad was wearing it because now his head is hunched down so far you can't even tell that he's got a neck.

This is Joe from New York City. I just paused the podcast because I was in the park and I was walking past a reporter, a radio reporter, starting to do an interview. And just as I paused the podcast, she asked her interview subject to state her name and what she had for breakfast. This is exactly how I was taught to check the levels of an interview

when I was trained to do radio in a different part of the country. And it made me wonder if this is the same thing all over the country or indeed all over the world. So Helen and Ali, answer me this. What do radio reporters in Britain say to check the levels at the beginning of a recording? They say, tell me your sexual fetish. Of course they say the same thing.

They say, what did you have for breakfast? Because it's usually an inoffensive question to ask. It's something people can answer without thinking about too hard, which is the point. Yeah, except I listened to a very interesting podcast a few weeks ago where someone had gathered a lot of these because for people with eating disorders, this is actually a very thorny and difficult question.

So some people who would answer it by giving a very exact description of what they'd eaten that day and the exact calorie breakdown and so on. But I've noticed at the BBC, sometimes they just say, can you give us a few words so I can check your levels? And that is a very easy way to do it rather than steering you. No, I disagree, actually. I think the breakfast way is better because i think give us a few words people freeze people who aren't used to being on the on the record often i can't remember my breakfast or i haven't had it yet being concerned as to whether or not the person you're interviewing has an eating

disorder i think that would be ridiculously over considerate and unless obviously you'll make a documentary about eating disorders i just think there are other vague questions you can ask no but you can ask them what model car do they have and they might have been in a car accident you don't know what their history is it's obviously an innocent question isn't it i appreciate it might make some people feel a bit awkward but you know that they're accessing information they don't have to think about too much generally speaking although actually in my case i've well for the last 18 months i haven't even bread basically so when people ask me what did i have for breakfast i don't tell the truth which is uh two boiled eggs celery and goji berries because it makes me sound like a complete freak.

So what I say is cornflakes. The trouble with that is that it's only two syllables. You can't get an accurate level check. That's true, yeah. It's such a short breakfast. And then they say, tell me more. And it's like, well, I had milk with it and coffee and then I'm living a completely fictional life.

What would you ask them in that context? What do you do yesterday evening? That's fairly easy. The other day, our friend Jim was staying over and he was in a bit of a withdrawn mood a slightly cranky sometimes a bit antisocial and uh so i said to him how are things going generally and he said some general question i said all right then who's your nemesis that's good but you need a certain caliber of interviewee to answer that you know if you're

if someone's come in to tell you a real life story about what happened to their daughter when you know they won the bingo you ask them who's your nemesis they're in a completely different frame of mind they're not gonna that's not gonna make them open up they're gonna feel insecure then no i don't think so i think you get people by surprise and they think oh it's all right to talk about my nemesis i've bottled it up for so long finally now i can admit it it's only fairly recently that um last 10 years i knew what nemesis meant though really why well it's just a funny word isn't it It's only fairly recently that I... The last ten years, I knew what nemesis meant, though. Really? Why? Well, it's just a funny word, isn't it?

It's not a word that anybody apart from you would use in everyday speech. That's what I mean. But Helen doesn't even realise that there are a whole load of words that she uses in everyday speech that other people never use. She's talking about me as if I'm not here. But the point about this is that when you ask someone a question that they don't have to think about too much and you're just checking for sound levels, they will answer that question naturally,

which hopefully is what you want from them in the course of an interview if you're making a documentary feature um they're thinking they're analyzing they're talking at their normal pace because it's not something they feel urgently passionate about it's just an answer which makes me wonder why at concerts do the sound check guys come out and say one two one two yeah actually what they should do is come out and sing yeah because that mic is going to be used by justin timberlake he's not gonna be to be saying one, two, one, two. Well, he might be. Sure.

There's some counting. Don't get me wrong. If you are actually doing the soundcheck for, you know, Children's BBC Live and they are going to come on and do counting, that's a great thing. Or if it's Gloria Estefan, one, two, three, four. Come on, baby, do your soundcheck. Absolutely.

Or fudge. Sure. But, you know, in general terms, I think the audience kind of want the soundcheck guy to sing as well really do you know there's that brilliant moment isn't there where the hairy ass guy in the iron maiden t-shirt comes on at the beginning of the pop gig as well and people start screaming at the front and then he just tries deliberately not to do any eye contact must be quite fun well if you're the kind of person that doesn't really want to be in showbiz

yeah you find yourself up there on stage at the hammersmith polo yeah probably not got the material prepared no exactly well here is a question from Harry who says for the first time in about 15 years my other half and I had an urge to play the national lottery yesterday settling in at 8 20 p.m on Saturday night to watch the magic unfold something that I've never understood I get the live lottery draw if you've got a ticket you might want to see but the whole business of building an entertainment show around that's so fucking weird well work for deal or no deal didn't it which is essentially kind of shit gambling yes but you're long yeah but you're seeing the people who have a stake in it then you're not watching a machine and just knowing that someone out there

in the 11 million people watching might have won harry says i noticed that the chap in charge of standing next to the lottery machines The drawmaster Was wearing pristine white gloves Always Ollie aunts me this Why on earth does he have to wear them? Is it some kind of arcane vestige from another era When lottery machines were only operated by the butler?

Does he have a skin condition? Is he off to a rave? I must know I think people sort of secretly do know this Is it because that's what the snooker umpires wear when they polish the balls? You see a little white gloved hand creep into the frame, take away the ball, put it back on the exact same spot.

It's because if you think about sleight of hand magic tricks, for example, and what people can do with their hands very quickly when you're not monitoring them, it's the very fact that you notice that he's wearing gloves that is the point. You know, he's drawing attention to his hands, so therefore you're more likely to notice if there's a ball in it or if he's dropping something into the machine to weight the balls.

It's trying to make it clear that everything is transparent and by the book and being done in a kosher way. That's basically the only reason. Do you think also maybe the drawmaster has ugly hands? Well, this nullifies that, doesn't it? Exactly. My hands are wrinkly my nails are terrible if i wore white gloves you wouldn't necessarily know that and also the draw master's head is pretty much not a necessary part of the equation it is all about the hands it's all about the hands and

actually that that's true if anything the way that they direct those tv specials when they actually do the ball draw uh is um it's very much about the hands you often never see a full frontal shot of his face at all. Because if you think about it, often they, I don't know if they still do it because I haven't watched a lottery for about 10 years, but they went through a spate where like Jamelia or someone would come on and press the big red button to launch the draw that week. You know, whoever was in plugging

their new song would press the big red button. That red button is meaningless. It's not connected to anything. Oh, what? So whilst the camera's on the red button the draw master presses the actual button which controls the machine. Why couldn't they just press the real button on the red button, the drawmaster presses the actual button which controls the machine. Why couldn't they just press the real button? Because then they'd have to go round the back of the machine, put the gloves on.

They could just move the button. What you need is celebrity drawmasters. You need Jamelia to be trained by Camelot to actually operate the machines. Are you suggesting that Jamelia is not capable of pressing a button without training? I think there is probably quite a lot of intensive training to become a drawmaster

because you need to be able to, presumably, I mean, it would be a grand fraud if you rigged the lottery. You'd need to be able to account for your actions in a court. You can't just be a pop star turning up and pressing a button. I went to watch the lottery live once. I know, but you see, having said that, I'd never watch it at home and I wouldn't.

I was, when I was about 16, just obsessed with the idea of going to see as many TV shows live as I could. It was exciting, wasn't it? It was exciting. Pe obsessed with the idea of going to see as many TV shows live as I could it was exciting wasn't it exciting um behind the curtain exactly and also uh at the time and this requires a more lengthy explanation than will ever give time for me to do uh but uh I was at school at the time selling a single on cassette of me imitating the headmaster um how many did you sell you got to number four in the charts didn't you like about a hundred and like i say it's a lengthier story than we'd ever have time to include but the headmaster was called colin reed everyone at school who was like in the know

knew that it was me doing the voice but they weren't sure and all the younger kids definitely didn't know it was me because it was marketed under the name dj reed um so i had on a t-shirt which i got printed on Carnaby Street bespoke saying DJ Reed on it white on black very dramatic and I wore that in the audience but I was like covering it up when I went in because I thought they might kick me out because it was the BBC and you're not supposed to have brands on is that technically a brand well I was in the audience they wouldn't have cared but I had um like a jumper over the top and then when the balls got drawn I took my jumper off so it said DJ Reed and I was like oh my over the top. And then when the balls got drawn, I took my jumper off. So it said DJ Reed.

And I was like, oh my God, this is going to be amazing. Everyone at school is going to see it. Saturday night telly. There are only five channels then. This is going to be a big deal. No one noticed. I'm sorry. I'm just kind of blurry and in the background and like over Peter Andre's head.

Classic only child thinking everyone's looking at you. Yeah, I know. Although when we sat in the audience for a celebrity juice taping, you were wearing the most orange jumper that's ever been made. Very bright orange jumper. Every time they cut to the audience there we were looking like we wanted to disappear and instead we were sitting out the front with you

wearing effectively a traffic cone on your body. If you've got a question, then email your question. To want to be this podcast at googlemail.com. To want to be this podcast at googlemail.com. To want to be this podcast at Google Mail.com. He wants to be this podcast at Google Mail.com. He wants to be this podcast at Google Mail.com. So retrospectives, what historical events are we ticking off on this week's run of Today in History? On Monday, we bring you the real story of the mutiny on the bounty.

On Tuesday, the anniversary of the day somebody invented the meatball, but who? On Wednesday, the iconic British car that ripped off an iconic American car. On Thursday, how American airlines invented air miles. And on Friday, the UFO sighting that gripped colonial America. We discuss this and more on Today in History with The Retrospectors. 10 minutes each weekday wherever you get your podcasts. Here's a question from C who says a few months ago while on holiday with my boyfriend I was woken up in the middle of the night to the sound of an alarm from my boyfriend's dad's iPad that

we'd borrowed. Okay. My boyfriend didn't wake from this so I had to get up and turn it off and in my tired state I instinctively swiped across the screen to silence the noise. I wouldn't say that's really instinctive. That is what you have to do, isn't it? To silence an alarm, yes. If an iPad's making a noise, you have to swipe it. Yeah. You've done nothing wrong here so far, C. Don't beat yourself up.

Unbeknownst to me, C, the noise was not an alarm, but it was in fact an alert signaling that an email had just been received and by swiping the screen it had taken me straight to the email did you inadvertently end up buying stock in facebook but that could appreciate uh without meaning to i read the message that was sent to my boyfriend's father it was from a female oh i see where this is going now i don't like it when people use female as a noun no i don't like that either sorry see i i see where this is going now i don't like it when people use female as a noun no i don't like that either sorry see i mean i know this is an aside to a very serious question but it grosses me out i agree and i i almost correct my callers to lbc when they say it they

were like i was in a bar the other day and the female that was there so it was like what what you know they're not different species yeah it's very dehumanizing it is indeed i agree it's all right if david attenborough does it and he's talking about ants yeah i equally don't particularly like it when people call me gents you know if i arrive with a group of men and someone says all right gents to toilety yeah indeed yeah the message was from a female woman and and it basically said thank you for the lovely sex oh god it was from bruno moore's to my horror there were dozens of messages back and forth all with a similar theme theme. Yeah, well, I think if the email chain is about the lovely sex, it's unlikely that they're going to have a different theme further back in the chain. Thank you for the average sex last night.

Not up to your usual par. I've prepared a graph. Could be a spammer. I've had a lot of thanks for the lovely sex from busty Russian women that I've never met. Okay, well, let's hold on to that hope as we continue to read this email of Woe. C says, I did not read them, but I could not help seeing what nature they were as they all appeared on screen before I

realised exactly what I was looking at. I can imagine this being in the middle of the night. This is a really surreal experience, isn't it? You've just been woken up and then you see this quite shocking detail. Well, that's what C says. I immediately switched the iPad off and went straight back to sleep with the hopes of forgetting all about this. When I woke in the morning, I wasn't sure if I'd dreamt what I saw. I immediately switched the iPad off and went straight back to sleep with the hopes of forgetting all about this. When I woke in the morning,

I wasn't sure if I'd dreamt what I saw and I tried to forget about it, but I couldn't get it out of my mind until I was certain that I'd seen what I thought I'd seen. Right. I looked at the emails again. So you shouldn't have done that. Although I still didn't read them, I promise.

And they were all there, confirming this wasn't some awful dream. See, I understand why you felt that way, but you shouldn't have turned the iPad back on and looked. It's not your iPad. You weren't supposed to see that. You've now become complicit, I would say, by actively choosing to read them rather than reading them by accident.

If only you'd turned off notifications! God, none of this would ever have happened! Indeed. If I lent my iPad to anyone, it would wake them up and then would like constantly to tell them that Lindsay Mastis is doing a Periscope. I don't know who Lindsay Mastis is, but apparently I follow her on Twitter and she's always on fucking Periscope. What's a Periscope?

It's a new thing that the children like, Martin. We'll do it another day, Martin. I'll tell you what, we'll do it in two years' time. We'll go, remember Periscope? That was shit, wasn't it? We'll do it then. It's like Vine, but live. Oh, right, okay. It's like FaceTime, but for the world. Sounds awful. It's like YouTube, but for twats. It's like tiny little nuggets of the world Sounds awful It's like YouTube but for twats It's like tiny little nuggets of exhibitionism, Martin

Not like this No I never said anything to my boyfriend or anyone else for that matter, says C As I know if I did it would cause a lot of pain to him and his family But now I'm not so sure if I've done the right thing If my boyfriend was cheating on me I would want to know Despite the pain it would cause And I feel that his mother

has the right to know. Possibly. However, I really get along with both his dad and his mum, and my boyfriend is extremely close to his dad, so I know this would destroy him and her if they ever found out. You don't know that. You think you know that. Despite this, I feel guilty, especially every time I see her.

There's no question. There's no question. There's just a lot of pain so the implicit answer me this Ollie I think is what do I do nothing stay clear of this steer clear pretend it didn't happen block it out la la la fingers and ears get your own ipads yeah get an alarm clock get a travel alarm clock from boots they're four quid is is it possible that your boyfriend's mom does a kind of role-playing exercise where she's got a fake email account so they can send each other saucy messages? Well, that's probably a stretch, although that is possible. But what you don't know is that it would destroy her if she found out.

What you don't know is that she doesn't know already. Or they might have an open relationship. That's unlikely. It's possible. I know, but you always fall back on that. And let's be honest, how many people actually have an open relationship? Just in case. I think the truth is they probably don't have an open relationship and you probably your instinct is right that the mother doesn't know but you don't know that and

it's not your role to do anything about it i think if he your father-in-law had told you well boyfriend's dad what do you call that perspective father-in-law father-outlaw okay father-outlaw if if your father-outlaw had told you he was having an affair, then he's put onto you, by being a prick, a dilemma. He's put onto you, do I tell my boyfriend and do I therefore end up revealing it to his wife? But he hasn't told you. This was clearly an accident.

Yeah, but the problem is you're forcing somebody to lie. No, you're not. With your own neglect. No, I think you are, because I've been in this position where I kind of somebody to lie. No, you're not. No, I think you are, because I've been in this position where I kind of had to lie to Martin because I'd made an obligation to a friend. And then I was like, no, fuck this. You can't put me in a position where I have to lie to my husband. But you don't have to lie because this isn't going to come up.

Your boyfriend is not going to say, so do you think my dad's having an affair? No, but you're always going to know. And if he does ever find out that you knew for years... He won't. But he could. This guy's being so careless that she found out in the middle of the night by accident. It's so easy for someone else to find out

and when they do, C will look implicit even though C has done nothing wrong. I think maybe you have to talk to the dad and say, look, this email came up on the iPad. No, no. Be more discreet. And also this makes me very uncomfortable in my relationship with your son and your wife.

Fine, but then every meal time, every Christmas is going to be awkward. C is going to feel that anyway yeah she can feel it but she can put on a party face and no one will realize if she says it she's it could all end up imploding and then she will be the bad guy not the dad for having the affair she already feels like the bad guy yes exactly so what's the difference by saying anything she's definitely going to be the bad guy by internalizing it she's going to feel like it but she's not going to actually create an issue well i think the main thing is she needs to get it out of her head she needs to tell someone else so well done see you've done that you've told us you know you've shared it

with someone because i feel that if i have the the burden of someone else's uh lies and secrets i feel like i need to tell someone but i don't think it's the right thing to tell the people who are going to be most affected by it when you found out by accident by withholding the truth you feel like a liar so if you feel like a dick if she broke apart the family that's worse I'm not telling her to break apart the family I'm telling her to talk to the dad and tell him to cover up his iPad better

what happens if in six months time the boyfriend or the mother comes to her and says do you think he's having a phone and she goes oh yeah I've known about it for six months that's pretty bad isn't it then these things usually come out I don't know. I mean, how good are these people? Well, she could say then,

I had my suspicions because in the middle of the night I saw the email. The fact that she went back on to check, as I said right from the beginning, makes her complicit. Nevertheless, she's done that now. Yeah, but had she not done that,

she could have said in all honesty, oh yeah, I did have my suspicion, but I thought it was a dream. I don't think your position makes sense. So if he'd told her she should have said in all honesty, oh yeah, I did have my suspicion, but I thought it was a dream. I don't think your position makes sense. So if he'd told her she should have said something, but as she's found out... Then she'd be lying, she'd be covering it up. As she's found out by accident, she shouldn't.

So the difference is what? In this situation, she owes him something, but in the other situation, she wouldn't? She has some obligation to him because he didn't volunteer the information or anything? That makes any sense? It does make sense because he would be choosing in the former situation to involve her. She's become involved by accident.

And although she feels bad now, she's going to feel worse if anything happens as a result of her piping up about it. Yeah, well, that's why she has to talk to the dad because it's much more likely to come out if he is still so technologically lax. Okay. Sometimes it's good we disagree. I think it's healthy we have a different opinion on this. I think your opinion's very unhealthy. I think by talking to the dad, she's going to feel worse, not better,

and she's going to make him feel worse as well. Martin, if I knew that one of your parents was having an affair, would you want me to tell you? You would be upset if you felt I'd been keeping that from you, wouldn't you? Yeah, I would. I don't know what I'd want. But if I found out the opposite, I would have to tell you.

Like, I couldn't not tell you. I just wouldn't be able to keep something like that secret. I think this has been very emotional, and now we need to take a break for the intermission, which is from one of our vintage episodes of Answer Me This. And you can buy our classic episodes from our website, answermethisstore.com. And today's intermission is one of my favourite calls

that we've ever received to the podcast, featured in Answer Me This, episode 82. Hello, this is Wayne from Blaine, Maine, in the USA. No kidding. I love this guy already. I really hope that's true. Do you think that really is true? He said no kidding, Martin.

No kidding holds true. If he says no kidding, that's like a proposal of marriage. My question is this. How come you British people get to say all these great words like bollocks, fortnight, brilliant, mate, wanker, bonnet, tosser, beastly, sod, bugger, quid and todger? But if we Americans try to say that, we sound like total idiots. Okay, you can carry on the podcast. I'm just going to go down to my room and listen to that on a loop for the next 20 hours. For the American with Tourette. Ballot.

Sad. Fortnite. Yeah, Fortnite and bonnet aren't in that list, are they? Do you think he thinks that quid and bonnet are swear words? Elizabeth has a question of beards. She says, Helen, answer me this. Yeah, that's right, Martin, beards. He's literally stroking his.

I think I can help with this. Yeah, maybe. I'm not sure you can, actually. Thankfully, I don't think you've ever fallen prey to the particular kind of beard she's about to describe. Well, that's this hair. Is it one of those ones that's a dreadlock with a bead on the end? And that's the only bit of facial hair.

Now, that is a look that I would pay bit of facial hair now that is a look that i would pay for martin to have that's a look that i would pay for a divorce over helen answer me this are goaties called goaties because they look like the little beards that goats grow yes yeah goats don't grow when these goats grow them as if goats have a choice about you know a style decision that they're making goats have goats don't be I'm going to grow a little beard today. Well, they might. I can't see into the mind of a goat. Well, they all go for it, if that's true.

Fashion has remained steady in the goat world. They're like East London hipsters in their beard conformism. Goats are pretty inscrutable, aren't they? I can't look into the eyes of a goat and see what they're thinking with their funny letterbox eyes. Beards on men,

it's not as bad as you know I have my belly button distaste yeah you've got borderline phobia i've got a phobia of belly buttons particularly protruding ones or even on the most beautiful model like it can put me off uh beards is one of those things i just i think there are so many scabby ones martin yours is perfectly pleasant actually well because it's got good coverage i think if it was sort of patchy in bits then you're all too conscious of the follicles yeah i think that's it the goatee in bits, then you're all too conscious of the follicles. Yeah, I think that's it. The goatee in particular, to me, a shaved... It's because it's manicured, yes.

Yes. It is like a shaved pubis on your chin. That is why it makes me feel a bit queasy. Apparently a goatee that incorporates a moustache is technically supposed to be called a Van Dyke after the 17th century Flemish painter. Not after Dick. Well, did he have... Don't recall him ever having a goatee, no.

Probably when he paid one of his many characters, which, of course, you never would have known it was him, apart from the fact they all spoke the same and had the same mannerisms. Maybe he was wearing a beard for them. Other than that, though. Other than that, flawless comic performances. So what's it called when it's like a moustache and a chin beard, and then a sort of beard that goes around the sideburn,

and then along the jawline to meet up. I used to have one of those. So that's like a goatee and a chin strap in one, or a Van Dyke chin strap, a Van strap. A Van strap. That sounds like I'm in The Sound of Music. You're just a twat, though, aren't you? So you've just shaved your cheeks and nothing else?

Yeah, I shaved my neck. Cheeks and neck, so just a very thin beard line along the bottom. Diabolical. I look like I was in a new metal band i think goatees are a little bit midlife crisis as well i mean even when he's 17 well when i think of celebrities that have had them you know like brad pitt uh will smith leo dicaprio it tends to be when they're just past the point where they could any longer look boyish and then they're like wrong and a grow goatee is almost like saying well i know i'm middle age so

i'm gonna just look a bit desperate now. But it's taking the emphasis off their jawline, I suppose. And Travolta, oh. Does Travolta have a goatee? I associate him with having a soul patch. Okay, I'm glad you said that because I didn't know what this was. Elizabeth's second question is,

Helen, answer me this, where did the term soul patch come from? I've never heard that term before. So soul patch is that bit that's like a little merkin just under the middle of your lip and no other beard. It's really, really twatty. I used to have one of those. Did you?

Well, you're a real twat. It was brilliant. I loved having a... But we didn't call it a soul patch, we called it an imperial. Apparently a longer soul patch is meant to be called an imperial and the other term for a soul patch is a moosh. A moosh? Yeah.

I don't like that very much. Well, tough. But there's a great term for a soul patch from where it originated. Okay. Now, one of the pioneers of the soul patch, the one who really seemed to bring it to popular use, was Dizzy Gillespie. Famous for his song Bonkers?

He had one. He sometimes had a moustache with the soul patch. I don't know what that combination is called. A semi Van Dyke or something. But sometimes he just had the soul patch. And at at that time it was known as the jazz dab amazing that's a great word for some brass players having a bit of facial hair softened the mouthpiece against their skin because you know it's quite a it's quite a hard instrument to play so maybe that's why he has a jazz dab so anyway um the association with jazz and then

beatnik culture engendered the soul patch i think that was the kind of sardonic term for it i think one of the first written instances is in national lampoon in the 80s where they call it a soul patch so they're taking the piss aren't they all this talk about jazz dabs and soul patches uh is making me a bit queasy and i think this is i'm getting to the roots of what the beard anti-fetish might be i think weirdly it might be linked to the belly button thing i think it actually is because if you think about belly buttons male belly buttons you often have that trail of hair don't you happy trail yeah and i think the soul patch reminds me a little bit of that yes that's what it looks like doesn't it looks like a trail of hair leading down to a cock so really you're afraid of cocks uh maybe that's partly what's going on.

I don't know. I can't explain Mrs. Freud, what is happening in my head, but maybe the two phobias are linked. Yeah. A question of music and penises now from Nate, who says, I heard an erection described as having a stonk on.

Good for you. So Helen answered me this. Is that what the 1990s Red Nose Day song The Stonk Song was about? You'll remember this is Helen Pace's charity song From the 90s I do remember this Put the red nose on your conch

And let's stonk It's quite good, I watched the video today actually But Nate says, if that is the case WTF? Surely people shouldn't use an erection To raise anything other than the flag of romance Really, let alone money for sick children i don't think it was about erections i disagree do you you know i'd forgotten because obviously i was like eight when it came out so of course this didn't occur to me and i think that's crucial here you know if there's a double meaning children weren't aware of

it really no there's a lot of self-censorship like in greece you don't realize how filthy greece is when you watch it when you're nine precisely uh but the the second line of the stonk lyrically is it's funky and it's spunky and it's impolite you can do it by day but it's better at night now they are referring to the dance of course uh rather than uh having a boner but then they do the dance and the first move of the dance is thrusting your genitals forward in a hip thrust so so i think it's pretty clear to adults watching what they're saying so when you're a child you just think that's a funny word that's nonsense song yes indeed and in fact i think with the third lyric of the song straight after that they counter uh the notion that this is a song about

hard-ons with a lot of silliness so then children children do think, oh, it's just a silly word. Because then they say, you can play the fiddle with a lump of cheese, you can microwave a pussycat for your tea. Although there are allusions in that line too, then, fiddling and pussy. It's probably problematic to ascribe that level of authorial competence to Hail and Pace. To suggest that they have an overarching set of motifs for this song. They probably just thought, let's throw some rhyming words together and we'll put a bit of sex in for the adults.

And it is, in my opinion, the greatest ever Red Nose Day song. I know it's a limited field. It's a really small field. It's a small field because most of them were covers. Yeah. And the ones that should have been good, like French and Saunders with Bananarama,

they covered Help, so it's like... That's a good song, though. It's fine. Didn't the Spice Girls do a Red Nose Day song? Yeah, and so did Westlife and so did Boyzone. But they're all... Basically, from the glory days of the Stonk song, the technique for a Red Nose Day song was

take a song from 20 years ago that the mums and dads like, take an artist that the kids like, film it in a way that is appealing to their older brother who's massaging himself whilst he's watching. Yeah, you're talking directly about the Saturdays doing I Just Can't Get Enough at this point, aren't you? Basically, yeah. So you've got something for everybody right there

and then put Rowan Atkinson in the video. That's basically the technique for every Red Nose Day song ever. I'm pretty sure the word stonk, and specifically stonker, was around before that video. I'm sure I remember it being used in the playground. Well, let's ask Little Miss Etymology here. Ms, please. Well, there are two possible causes.

In Australia, being stonkered meant drunk, and in Britain, a stonker was something that was large or impressive. And it may have come from the game of marbles in the 19th century, where the stonk was like an onomatopoeia for the noise the balls made when they struck each other. I have some recollection of a connection with, what's it called when you get the chestnuts? Conkers. Conkers, yeah, with conkers. So you'd play conkers and say, oh, I've got a stonker.

That one's a stonker. That's broken. I've got my stonk on. And they are. Isn't it interesting? So marbles hitting each other, conkers hitting each other. They are a bit like bollocks, aren't they? There's always this insinuation in the background there.

Yeah, all right. You're very phallic today, aren't you? Yeah, well, in World War II... I'm glad you noticed. I worked really hard on this look. But in World War II, stonk meant an intense artillery bombardment. So are you going to say that that is like a big ejaculation of weaponry? Yes, that's funky on the ground.

I think what Nate says, though, you know, his point looking back on this from the perspective of 2015, family entertainment especially, now we know what was really going on in the corridors of the BBC, you know, family entertainment having this dirty allusion in it feels wrong. Well, yes, but so did literally every British comic thing that i can think of pre-1990 yes i mean like you know the carry-on movies pizza sellers everything what about bernard and the genie

uh i'm sure there's some inappropriate material in there after richard curtis would have been involved in the song song too wouldn't it of course um i think there's always been dirty jokes that's sort of the seaside postcard tradition and i i'm tempted to say there's nothing wrong with it apart from what we've learned since but i don't think it sexualizes kids if anything um i remember being eight watching the carry-on movies and thinking this was hilarious that i of course didn't really understand what shagging was but the fact that i understood there were jokes about boobs and it made me feel like a like a grown-up and sharing the joke i didn't feel like i was going to go out and you know try and bone someone's leg yeah you you actually miss probably 80 of stuff but you don't

even realize that you've missed it until you go back later which is why i think children are actually quite a good filter for content because often they're just an uncertain like we have the child ratings on episodes of answer being this but i think unless things are very explicit they can filter it out i think it's kind of misattributing the motivation behind those things it's suggesting that it's created as family comedy and that's why there's this sort of innuendo or subterfuge I think actually British comedy is that way because it puts a really especially then we're really repressed about sex yes and the byproduct is yeah kids can enjoy it and the adults can sort of snigger behind their hands but yes you're right isn't it it's a sexual expression in a way, isn't it?

How many songs are not about boners? That's a more pertinent question. That is a good question. It's very patriarchal, isn't it? Bridge Over Troubled Water I don't think is about boners. No, the bridge is... Poor Simon's penis. It's like one of those bridges that you raise

when there's a boat going through. When there's a sexy boat, the bridge goes up. Unchained melody? The chain is penis. I did it my way, oh yeah. Funeral march. Answer me this. Hampton Court was Henry VIII's home.

The O2 Arena was the Millennium Dome. Wasn't it? I went to see you in your room, but it had been turned into a Wetherspoon. So I ordered a two-for-one curry and a macaroon, but they don't sell macaroons. Do they? I just ate both curries and now I regret that Here's a question from Dan in Shanghai who says

On my way to work I have to walk past a Hugo Boss store and I've become increasingly tempted by one of their suits It looks like it would be a good style for me and although it would be a stretch financially I can afford it I feel like it's something worth investing in

because you can't put a price on looking like a pimp-ass motherfucker. As their strapline famously says. I'm pretty sure you can. However, whilst not practising, I am of Jewish descent and whenever I think of Hugo Boss, I can't help but think of their link with the Nazis. Ah, yes. It's fairly well known that Hugo Boss designed the Nazi uniforms

during the Second World War. Some people don't know it, but you've brought it to their attention now, Dan, so well done, I'm sure's fairly well known that Hugo Boss designed the Nazi uniforms during the Second World War. Some people don't know it, but you brought it to their attention now, Dan, so well done. I'm sure they'll really appreciate that. Say what you like about the politics, at least they were dressed as pimp-ass motherfuckers, right, Dan? I'm not sure if they've ever apologised for their contributions to the Nazi party. They have. Or even if they have, whether that should sway my opinion. I'm not sure it should.

Ollie, answer me this. Should I be thinking of giving Hugo Boss my custom? Does my bum look anti-Semitic in this is basically the question that's sway my opinion. I'm not sure it should. Ollie, answer me this. Should I be thinking of giving Hugo Boss my custom? Does my bum look anti-Semitic in this? Is basically the question that's being asked here. Well, after the war, Hugo Boss said that he'd supported Hitler to save the company. And it is true if you look back

through their financial records, they had gone bankrupt in the past and it was a bit of a lifeline for them working with the Hitler youth and the SS because suddenly they had to print a lot of outfits. A lot of uniforms there. I'd it was a bit of a lifeline for them working with the hitler youth and the ss because suddenly they had to print a lot of outfits a lot of uniforms there um i'd imagine quite a lot of people who associated with that regime as well it was either do that or you and all your family are going to get it well or just you wouldn't be making any money if you were making outfits for the communists at the time i mean it was following his business sense you could argue

and that's what he did argue he said it wasn't because the ideology it was because i was in jobs a job yeah but then the nazis jobs probably wouldn't have been done so effectively if they'd been naked or just wearing tracksuits but so far if you take him at his word then that would be the same defense that volkswagen would have that siemens would have that bmw would have the gurgles would have indeed but um where there i think there is a difference with hugo boss is it actually came out afterwards that indeed hugo boss had been himself a sponsor member of the ss but he had been ideologically wedded to hitler and himmler and he did think the nazis were a pretty great thing um and as well as designing the uniforms and making them hugo Boss as a company used prisoners of war, a couple of hundred women from Poland,

as forced labourers to make the clothes. Oh, jeez. And as a test for the perfumes as well, probably. I don't know. But in any case, you know, not the most illustrious history looking back on it. No, but although a lot of companies, when you go back into their history,

there is some bad shit in most big companies, isn't there? Yeah, and actually... Not that that's an excuse, but that is right, isn't it? And it's emerging. We talked before about Coke making Fanta for the Germans during the war. Even some of the big American companies were helping the Nazis in a sense.

IBM helped manufacture what we would now call a computer system, which assisted the Holocaust. So, you know, other companies were involved. Coco Chanel herself had an affair with a nazi officer but again um she'd sold her company to a jewish family um hugo boss died still owning the company still being the hugo boss and they chose not to change the name they kept that affiliation with him and they only sold it in 1993 or the majority of it to an italian company when abouts did he die he died almost straight after the war about 1947 something

like that okay so he didn't have that much time to really apologize properly no he didn't so this is the issue so when did they apologize when did they distance themselves from it and the answer to that and you can bear this in mind dan and then act with your conscience, is that they didn't acknowledge their links to the Nazis at all until 1997. Ooh. And they didn't apologise until 2011. That just looks... At that point, that apology is not worth doing, is it? It just draws attention to the fact that you didn't make it in the preceding decades.

I think that's right. Although, in fairness, like I say, it is technically owned by a different company. And in fact, the suits that the Nazis wore weren't branded Boss, they were branded swastika, right? So actually the brand itself of Boss, you're not, if you buy a Hugo Boss suit, wearing literally the brand of the Nazi party,

whereas of course you are if you're driving a VW. Oh God! Hugo Boss was not actually something written on off the peg suits until 1977 um so i think it isn't fair to say that if you're wearing hugo boss you're wearing the brand of the nazi party but it is true to say that the man himself that the brand is named after never really repented for his links pretended that they weren't there and then the company that then took his name didn't really acknowledge it or apologize it until about five years ago they really half asked that so there you go those those are the facts i'll leave you to make up your own mind i

will say uh i am as you know also jewish non-practicing and i am currently wearing a pair of hugo boss spectacles how do you feel about that do you feel your eyes are looking at things in a different way a more cruel way i think my eyes are really antisemitic um i think um well i did think i suppose that's what I think I think that I had second thoughts about it and that's how much it's in my head it's in my head it's there but at the end of the day I thought

well these are the glasses I like the best in the shop they don't proudly boast that they're Hugo Boss glasses I don't have a problem with giving money to that company in theory there's no swastika on the lens I probably wouldn't wear a t-shirt that said Boss on it though so that one option for Dan therefore would just be to buy a suit from a different good suit maker. No, I think you'll find all tailors are Nazis, Helen.

Yes, of course that's an option. But that could be the problem, couldn't it? If you look back into every company's history far enough, does that mean you're not going to be able to buy anything? Yes, well, of course, all corporates of any size will have dubious ethical records somewhere in the world, won't they? And that's the thing. If you say, right, I'm going to go to a different off the peg tailor, I'm going to go to, and if you're listening lawyers, I'm just choosing this example because they're famous,

not because I know anything. Calvin Klein or Ralph Lauren, you know, that's an American, Ralph Lauren, there you go, American Jew. A lot of blood on his hands. You know, if I'm a Jewish guy and I want to buy a suit, I'm buying a suit for an American Jew, I can feel okay about that. But their clothes aren't all made in the States, are they? They're made in factories around the world where you don't know what the current position of the workers working for them actually is. I feel like that's a lot more pertinent. I mean, there's sort of symbolic value

to endorsing a company that has had Nazi, has supported Nazism, but, you know, if you want to make an ethical investment in something, then make it in one where it's not made by children in sweatshops. It's pretty easy, isn't it? Yeah, although Dan does live in Shanghai, so let's assume that slave labour in an environment

isn't really a primary concern for you. But then it's buying local, isn't it? That is true. Yes, although it's probably been flown around the world to get back to the shop next to where it was made. But yes, yeah, good point. They fly over to Europe to get the price tags put on and then back.

Well, on that happy note, it's the end of this episode of Answer Me This. It certainly is. But please do supply the end of this episode of Answer Me This. It certainly is. But please do supply your questions for subsequent episodes of Answer Me This using the contact details

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