Answer Me This! - AMT316: Hypothetically Dead Flatmates, Actually Alive Mike Oldfield, and Quinoa

Episode Date: June 11, 2015

How do you persuade your flatmate to bequeath you her cats? Should you pay for banana peel? And what should you do with a stranger's sweaty underwear?Find out more about this episode by:1. listening to it; 2. visiting http://answermethispodcast.com/episode316.Send questions to [e-mail], or the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis)Tweet us twitter.com/helenandollyBe our Facebook friend at facebook.com/answermethisSubscribe on iTunes iTunes.com/AnswerMeThisBuy old episodes and albums at answermethisstore.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's summer solstice, a brand of ice lolly Answer me this, answer me this Who are you, do you look just like Buddy Holly? Answer me this, answer me this Helen and Ollie, answer me this Thanks to Shauna from Adelaide, we are starting this episode with a line we have never started an episode of Answer Me This before, which is My husband is a cobbler the other day he took in a pair of boots and when he started to repair them

he realized there was something shoved down in the front of the boot this is not that unusual sometimes fastidious people stuff their boots with paper so they keep their shape however on pulling out the items he discovered a g-string not not for a guitar, a sports bra and a crop top, obviously used. And sweaty. Oh dear. Anyway, we had a bit of a brainstorm over a glass of booze and decided that the correct course of action was to bag these items separately and hand them back to the customer with the mended boots.

Satisfying all round. No one gets embarrassed, but a very subtle shaming nonetheless. I agree. What is left for us to comment on here? What problem could be left to solve? However, my husband has now forgotten which customer is responsible for stuffing her soiled unders into her boots.

Oh dear. Is it Ms Harris or Ms Van Der Garst? That's not the question for us. Ollie, answer me this. What is his course of action now? I don't understand. Do you understand? Surely whoever comes to pick up the boots

is the correct person. Why do you have to know beforehand? That's an interesting point surely whoever comes to pick up the boots is the correct person why why do you have to know beforehand that's an interesting point you give the bag with the boots yeah but if they've both got boots i mean there must be a reason why he's confused maybe he's forgotten which boots he took the items out i actually think the solution to this is fairly simple it would be embarrassing to give someone's soiled knickers back to someone to whom they didn't belong yes uh however if you had planned to do what really you should have planned to do all along which is launder the knickers and then give them back in a nice sealed bag as if you're a dry cleaners not just a cobbler i know that's

going to cost you a little bit it's above and beyond it's above and beyond them anyway but let alone clean them sure but what if they wash them on the wrong cycle and the knickers and sports bra get degraded and they get blamed that's unlikely i think if you've done that and then they were nicely presented then it's not embarrassing especially if you put the crop top over the top so that the person who it isn't can't see that there's knickers in there i think to just say are these your clothes as well to the customer when they come in and if it isn't they'll say no if it is they'll say oh you laundered them for me as well that is so sweet of you and then you've built customer loyalty into what could have been an embarrassing incident i would be unbelievably

creeped out if a stranger did my laundry for me even if it was because i've been to them yeah yeah but i hadn't deliberately given it to them yes i would hate it um i don't think you need to launder them though for that ollie i think your your most important suggestion was putting the crop top on top so it's the least intimate item of clothing but just give them it in a bag and they can infer whether it's dirty or not we had a pair of wellies on our doorstep what the whole way through the winter our wellies oh okay um so that because we live in the country when you go outside and it's muddy good to have wellies right there uh so you can change from your normal shoes into them um and they were there on the doorstep right the way through the winter and i ordered my second cousin a 21st birthday present from the internet it was a watch uh and it never arrived so i wrote to the company and i was like this is outrageous

this is his 21st you know you've ruined his birthday and they were adamant that they delivered it and i knew they hadn't anyway it turned out the postie had put it in the welly boot that's incredibly weird yeah you would have to put the note through the door saying in the welly boot yes yeah and it was only actually when he came around dressed in a christmas pudding onesie for his time to give me a tip round that he's not wearing uniform he's not getting a tip if he's out of uniform but he said all right mate how are you merry christmas oh did you get the parcel that i put in your welly boot three weeks ago and i was obviously grateful that he tried to deliver something when we weren't there but also so angry that he'd been that I put in your welly boot three weeks ago. And I was obviously grateful that he tried to deliver something

when we weren't there, but also so angry that he'd been responsible for this chaos that I then didn't give him a tip. So his extra level of service backfired dramatically upon him. Well, it's going to backfire on you when he puts other things in those welly boots. Yeah, well, crop top and bra

belonging to someone else. I think it could be something a little bit more squidgy. Hello, this is Chris in Burstyn Edmonds. Helen and Ollie, answer me this. My wife and I were just cinching off our curry and tidying away the remains. And we were wondering, has anyone in the history of takeaway food ever countenanced the opening of, let alone the eating of of the sad little bag of

salad that comes with an indian takeaway um why on earth would you include that who thinks a little bit of salad that'll just seal the deal i've eaten the bag of salad me too even though our local place is pretty much a bag of sliced onion me too basically just chopped white onion and a bit of lettuce. And maybe if you're lucky, some coriander leaf. But I mean, you've got to be really... That's by accident. That's top end.

One tomato slice and a lemon wedge. I've eaten it because sometimes you want something to cut the spicy, greasy, rich food. I think as well, it's recognisable, isn't it? You know, we have to remember it's been a phenomenal success, the launch of the Indian takeaway in Britain over the last three or four decades. But when it first began here, this sort of, you know, very bizarrely coloured foreign stuff. Stuff that tastes of something? What is it? Exactly. Packed full of flavour and foreign ingredients.

When people first saw that, I think it probably would have been quite reassuring to at least be able to identify an onion. Ever popular in Britain, onions. The other thing thing that i think and this is just a theory i don't know but my guess is when indian takeaway started up really the only other takeaway that there was apart from i guess pizza would have been chinese that was the big success on the british high street and i think the indians looked at what the chinese takeaways were doing what were they doing they were chucking in the prawn crackers for free. So they think free things.

People love free things. People love free things. What's cheap? Crap iceberg lettuce. Well, no, I think what they probably thought initially, and it remains with us indeed, poppadoms. And poppadoms are the prawn crackers of the Indian takeaway. But a lot bigger.

But then, you know, classic immigrant mentality. They're like, how can we better that? You know, how can we slightly provide a better service and edge it over the chinese free bag of lettuce and onion as well well that could have happened the reverse way chinese takeaways might be like well the indians are doing very well what can we give people from crackers here's a question from jace from lester who says i have a colleague at work who is a massive fan of mike oldfield don't we? I work on my own, so no. I overheard Tubular Bells as her ringtone and she explained at great length that she loved his work and bought so many of his albums.

Yeah, I imagine if you're a big fan of Tubular Bells, then Brevity isn't really a strong suit of yours. She shares this love of his work with her two daughters. Oh, that's nice, isn't it? I've heard that it's a gene you pass on, the Oldfield gene. It might be recessive, like being ginger. And she said they were all devastated by his death last year at such a relatively

young age. Mike Oldfield having been born in 1953. They even held a teary-eyed candlelit vigil listening to Omadorn or such multi-instrumental nonsense. Guessing Jason Lester is not such a michael oldfield fan so ollie answer me this how do i explain without making her look like a complete twat box that her

musical hero is very much alive complete twat box i think is the name of the uh five cd box set of oldfields so just five cds not 50 uh well actually i don't think you need to feel that guilty because yes there was an old field death hoax earlier this year oh was there was it a twitter thing or not twitter facebook mainly as far as i can tell but of course twitter went mad for it as well why do people do that because they're twats awful um imagine how happy she's going to be exactly won't make her feel like a twat but she'll be the happiest woman alive except then she's got to go through the grief all over again yeah yeah although you you would be pointing out to her that she can't use google that's not great

well maybe she doesn't know that she can't use google because she's never heard of google i think she'd thank you for it though wouldn't you i think so i so this is how i would do it jace i would send her a uh email with three or four links to articles about the death hoax. What you do is you say, hey friend, I know you're a Mike Oldfield fan, spotted this, thought you should know, exclamation mark. Four links, so it looks like loads of people fell for it. Because actually, in fairness, they did. Like over a million people liked on Facebook,

Mike Oldfield RIP page. They may not have been fans. Yeah, I know. Cumbersome, isn't it? Not having a dislike for death. But anyway, send those links and then she'll think, oh, OK, well, lots of people fell for this. This is the thing that was in the news.

You know, it's not just us. But easier solution for you, Jase. Go to MikeOldfieldOfficial.com, Mike Oldfield's official website, and sign her up for the Mike Oldfield updates. I think my idea is better, but I like the fact we've provided two solutions. Mike Oldfield's such a strange character, isn't he? Very weird. He's kind of like a Brian Eno with no credibility.

He's sold lots, lots more records. And yet, Mike Oldfield's Moonlight Shadow is the first song I can ever remember hearing. Is that Mike Oldfield? Yeah. What do you mean, and yet, as if that would make him more cool? Tainted by connection with young Helen Zaltzman, he should surely be a folk hero. It's just you can't choose these landmarks in your life yeah the thing about mike oldfield is he was actually when you think about it super cool uh in the 70s not only was jubiler bells a kind of groundbreaking

album and it introduced electronic music and launched virgin records all of that quite cool anyway but then it became the soundtrack to the exorcist genuinely cool and then off the back of that like with that as your ground he then did the royal wedding anthem for charles and diana and recorded an album called qe2 named after the cruise liner it's like he deliberately sabotaged his own cool immediately maybe he just wanted free cruise tickets who doesn't me is that right though i think i'd have a bad time on a cruise you now, I'm not naturally someone who would want to go cruising and don't interpret that in any other way than getting on a boat. But if someone now gave me free tickets on an APNO cruise ship,

I would consider going because I'd be interested to know what that was like. But I wouldn't pay for it, that's what I'm saying. If someone wants to give me free tickets for a cruise, that's the circumstance under which I'd try cruising. The cruise I would enjoy is going around the fjords of Norway with my mum, because she's always wanted to do that. My dad doesn't want to go, so I'd like to go with her. You should do that.

Yeah, I should do that. So if any of you can give me free ones, that would make me and my mum really happy. There we go, so we've both blagged free cruise ships. You never know who's listening. Martin, would you like a cruise of any kind? Maybe an old-fueled cruise? No, I think I'd be all right.

Maybe that is, though, what happened. Maybe he did get free tickets on the QE2 for life we just don't but it's so strange like I can't think of I can think of so few artists who are so important to a particular generation and you ask someone above that age and they would have no idea like maybe like Kiss in America yeah like no one in this country who's younger than like 30 cares or knows who Kiss is yeah sure but if if if they heard... What is that? That's Tubular Bells. They wouldn't know. I mean, not for my rendition,

but they wouldn't know that's Mike Oldfield, but they'd be like, oh yeah, I've heard that. Oh, that's familiar. Yeah. I mean, but I guess it's just like a ringtone, isn't it, kids now? He's quite reclusive as well.

For tax reasons, he's lived all over the world. Oh, is he? Where does he live now? Bit of Ibiza, bit of Bahamas. In Ibiza, is he playing the Super the super clubs there that'd be really funny actually he turned up to manumission it was my cold field i think you laugh but i think that's happened yeah wow yeah i mean he is a pioneer of electric music so i guess he would have it would be calvin harris featuring my cold field wouldn't it but there's still some cred there i guess a lot of pioneers don't necessarily travel well 30 years hence well but, but they said that about Nile Rodgers, didn't they?

And he's come around again. Yeah, but he went away and came back. Yeah, exactly. That's what I mean. But it is entirely conceivable. In fact, I'd even put a bet on it. Duff Punk with Michael Phelps. Exactly.

If you're listening to this now in 2020, I bet there's a Duff Punk record with Michael Phelps on it. I've got a question. Email your question. To answer me this podcast at googlemail.com To answer me this podcast at googlemail.com To answer me this podcast at googlemail.com To answer me this podcast at googlemail.com So retrospectives, what historical events are we ticking off on this week's run of Today in History? On Monday, we bring you the real story of the mutiny on the bounty.

On Tuesday, the anniversary of the day somebody invented the meatball, but who? On Wednesday, the iconic British car that ripped off an iconic American car. On Thursday, how American airlines invented air miles. And on Friday, the UFO sighting that gripped colonial America. We discuss this and more on Today in History with The Retrospectors. Ten minutes each weekday, wherever you get your podcasts. It's wedding season. Hooray! Oh, people hating the people they used to love.

My annual opportunity to reaffirm why i absolutely have no interest in getting married whatsoever elizabeth is in lincoln and she says i'm getting married next month congratulations it's all going fine which is good isn't it fine fine is pretty good at this stage not so dramatic for our purposes but you know good for you at this stage i had started to mentally collapse and i started frantically making a lot of patchwork tablecloths against all rationality maybe you have that to look forward to elizabeth she says it's all going fine but but plus ones are the bane of my life when it's come to the invite list oh dear sorry um we're having a pretty small wedding and reception i think the less expensive randoms i have to pay for the better so that is that is her take on plus

ones fair enough they're expensive randoms that's nice isn for the better. So that is her take on plus ones. Fair enough. They're expensive randoms. That's nice, isn't it? I understand. Rather than the people who are making her friends happy. Sod happiness. It's not what this is about.

One of my bridesmaids, continues Elizabeth, is someone who I made friends with on a uni course. She always sounds like she's commodifying this friendship, doesn't she, rather than just saying, you know, one of my friends is a friend from uni. She's a B-minus friend. Exactly, yeah. If I'd met her at yoga, B+. She started compartmentalising, you can feel that.

That sounds like a low 2.1 to me. But I think Wedmin does this to people. She doesn't really have any other links to other groups of friends at the wedding. And as a result, I've said she can have a plus one that was nice of you elizabeth your kindness knows no bounds your bridesmaid is entitled to have someone there she knows the person she wants to bring i've only met once he seems nice enough and although she

says their relationship is going really well i'm not convinced about how serious they are or how important he is to her is it for you to gauge? Maybe you should send a questionnaire Maybe you should have sent her a pre-approved list of plus ones They only met in October last year, continues Elizabeth She refuses to refer to him as a boyfriend I wonder how seriously Elizabeth has pushed her on this point Say it or your puppy gets it

No, I can't! Boyfriend is my safe word. She refuses to refer to him as a boyfriend or any kind of label. Sounds like feminism in action. And has already dumped him once. Well, it's common, isn't it, in the early stages of a relationship to have doubts. Just don't know.

And then thinking, I do like him, but we're not quite up to boyfriend stage yet. I've expressed some reservations about all this, says Elizabethabeth attempting to jokerly say do you think you'll be together long enough to be at the wedding good joke elizabeth but she seems determined to bring him well you did say that she could that's right yes and and then question her about it repeatedly and the answer was yes i would like to bring him i think it seems unreasonable that she would change her mind correct um i just think says elizabeth it would

be better for her to bring along a friend rather than a relatively random man you've got to be really careful elizabeth because you know there's the danger you're getting married you start to be very judgy about the unmarried people's relationships in your life you're not an expert on their lives so helen Helen, answer me this. Do I have any right to veto her choice? No, you gave her the choice. If she was someone she'd picked up the week before, I could understand this.

Yes. But even then, what do you say? Oh, right. What's his surname? Oh, not sure. Do you think he's really going to fit in? This is actually the plot of the pilot episode of Bloodlines. I don't know if you've been watching it. Oh't and in that we see how bringing someone random along to

a family event it's not a wedding but it's a big family event can ruffle some feathers uh but it provides a lot of drama and excitement in the pilot episode of bloodlines compared to the rest of the series which moves along at a more or less deathly pace oh well it's providing a lot of drama and excitement in this question from elizabeth well is the thing, I actually think it might be quite nice to introduce a little renegade element into the wedding you know, because you know you're there because you want to make a loving commitment to your husband-to-be why not just shake things up a bit

amongst the crowd? Also, I think it actually speaks quite well of him that he wants to come to a wedding where even his girlfriend girlfriend inverted commas doesn't really know anyone, so he knows no one except her, that is usually quite boring when you're at a wedding where you know nobody and yet he still wants to go or he's still willing to go that's pretty good of him isn't it yes i think so and he might be nice you know you've got to trust your friend's judgment if she likes him have you met

him she's met him once she said he met him once yeah and seems nice enough nice enough nice enough to come to your wedding i think that said yeah i would take the advice uh that i learned the hard way from watching my friends jillian and chalini at their wedding i was the best man uh my girlfriend was in the wedding photo obviously uh when i was there and our group of friends were photographed yep um the other three friends that were in the photo there was becky there was j, there was Jeremy, there was Che. All three of them had partners with them at that wedding that they then split up with within two months.

So within two months, that wedding photo was completely out of date. And you couldn't chop them out. So what you have to do is you've got to keep the partners at the edge of the photo so you can crop them. Oh, that's good advice. Is that really such a painful reminder? It's a bit weird, yeah. How often do you look at the wedding photo of your friend,

not even the person that you were best man for? The relationships ended so quickly that by the time the photos got developed from the photographer and presented to them in a wedding album, all of those relationships had fallen apart. Couldn't they Photoshop in the faces of their newer partners? Just onto the bodies of the people they were going with why not the advice i give to pretty much every wedding question we get is is what you want worth ruining

a friendship over and the day yeah extent i get that with you know wedding presents bridesmaid issues stuff think long term elizabeth and just just allow it you said she could bring someone yes you didn't say that you had to have the veto. Yeah. Just let her have it. Unless he's like a complete reprobate who's going to like kick everything over. Yes, exactly. Yeah. What's going to happen?

Although by allowing this person to bring a plus one, someone else is now going to get upset that they can't. And that is something you've done now that in a way possibly, arguably, you shouldn't have. But this is a bridesmaid, you see, so she gets extra privileges. So you can justify it, can't you? Yes, you can say, yeah, they'll hire have. But this is a bridesmaid, you see, so she gets extra privileges. So you can justify it, can't you? Yes, you can say, yeah, they'll hire up the pecking order, yeah.

You're probably making her do a lot of annoying, expensive stuff, so give her the plus one. Yeah, OK. OK, no, no, you've won me over. Fair enough. OK, you've done nothing wrong, Elizabeth, apart from the terrible thoughts you've had in your head. Yeah, but just keep them in your head

and she doesn't need to know. It'll be fine. You won't even notice him on the day. You won't get to spend time with the people you really want to see. You won't even see this guy. Or he might be the life and soul of the party. He might be. You won't even notice him on the day you won't get to spend time with the people you really want to see you won't even see this guy yeah or unless he's still the soul of the party he might be you might run off with him it happens yeah it does in films yeah not so much in life you think not uh one hopes one hopes not i've never seen the bride run off with a guest at the party at the party itself but i have heard of relationships where people have met that way

anyway your solution remains pretty much the same irrespective of the question. It's not that important, Elizabeth. I know it's your money, but really, in the amount of money you're spending on this day, relatively small amount. And my solution remains always the same. Don't get married. People always ask one what one does for fun.

Well, one enjoys watching Gok One and A Fish Called Wonder. One is also partial to One Direction and The Wanted and the short-lived Billy Corgan Bands One. The Answer Me This Jubilee! One hour of Her Majesty's Pleasure. Available now on iTunes.

Time for a question from Pat from Canada, who says, my husband and I were talking about where we would like to retire in about 10 years. Fortunately, money won't be a problem, she predicts confidently. It could be another global meltdown by then, Pat. Maybe she's doing the Breaking Bad work scheme, but doing it right uh money won't

be a problem but temperature will be yeah um you see she says my husband doesn't like the cold nor do retirees traditionally you know as your circulation slows down a bit you feel the cold more yeah i but here's the rub helen oh i don't like the heat. Me neither, Pat. Let's retire together. Oh dear. Potato, potato. No one in the world says potato. Listeners, please write in if you've ever heard anyone say potato.

No, you haven't. No one's going to write in. We both like the fall and spring temperatures, continues Pat, but he is miserable during the winter. It's like me. I'd imagine a Canadian winter as well is quite brisk. Indeed.

And I am now dreading the oncoming summer. Me too, Pat. Helen, answer me this. Is there somewhere in the world where the temperature is always somewhere between 50 degrees Fahrenheit and 75 degrees Fahrenheit? I think the fridge in our local Tesco

is judging by the ice lollies. Where you might need a light jacket, but you don't have to have the air conditioner on or the furnace on most of the time um i think well the bay area yeah i haven't checked the exact temperature graph but the bay area is fairly temperate all year round and then if pat wants to set up a startup or something she's in the right place already oh everything about her email suggests she is ready to embark upon internet entrepreneurialism i think tasmania is fairly even and new zealand new zealand has a lot of microclimates so there's bound to be one to suit both of you yes and a lot of people i've heard that have visited new zealand from britain say uh that it's it's kind of like an idealized version of what the uk scenery should be like cricket teas all of that yeah but it's kind of

it's it's very green and lush because it rains, but it's not freezing cold because of the ozone layer being missing. So it's actually quite bright and pleasant a lot of the time. Yeah, they get a lot of sunshine, even though you also get a lot of rain. The very south of England would be quite good, somewhere like Cornwall. Yeah, Cornwall. In winter, yes, it gets below, it does just about get below freezing. You've got to have

a fire on. She's saying she doesn't want a fire in the winter. There's not really anywhere. You can die if you live in Cornwall in the winter without a fireplace. There just really aren't places that never ever get cold and never ever get hot. Well, no, I'm just not saying that. Well, actually, OK, I've got a suggestion. The Azores. Archipelago, off the coast of Portugal in the mid-Atlantic.

It has a pretty consistent mild climate all year round. Really? I've been. Yes, I know. You went at Christmas. I went at Christmas and I wouldn't exactly call it a sunshine went at Christmas I went at Christmas And I wouldn't exactly Call it a sunshine break At Christmas It's basically like

A slightly dull British summer's day Most of the year The thing about the Azores Is they are built On a volcanic set of islands As well So there's a risk

That the whole thing Could go boom at any point And they've had Quite a few plane crashes there Huh Statistically More likely to have A plane crash there

Than in other places Why Well my theory is Because it's pretty much The only land mass crashes there statistically more likely to have a plane crash there than in other places why well my theory is because it's pretty much the only landmass between portugal and america if your plane starts going down then you land you crash land into the azores so that probably skews the stats doesn't it hello hello it's mia i'm 14 years old helen andman, please answer me this. When I go to the supermarket and I'm frequently looking for the product that is quinoa or quinoa, what pronunciation is it? Is it quinoa or quinoa? I got very confused and asked the shop assistant for quinoa and they said,

wait, hang on, do you mean quinoa? That's where we are in time. 14-year-olds are buying quinoa and they said wait hang on do you mean quinoa? That's where we are in time. 14 year olds are buying quinoa. Absolutely. Not cigarettes ancient grains with high protein content. Quinoa isn't it? It is quinoa and the weird thing is it used to be spelt K-I-N-W-A in the

ancient Andean language whence it came and then the Spanish conquerors changed it to quinoa with the infernal spelling. Is that right? Cheeky Spanish. They also forced the conquerors changed it to quinoa with the infernal spelling right cheeky spanish they also forced the incas to stop growing quinoa and start growing wheat because they knew that they used quinoa in religious ceremonies they wanted to ruin it but uh putting your david crystal hat on for a second i know you have a hat made of all of his books isn't it the case that as so many people are saying quinoa um in time it might be called that anyway so maybe

there's not a right and wrong here anyway i think it would just be better to change it back to quinoa okay yeah with a k and a r at the end that is probably better yeah i'm in favor of phonetic spellings yes well maybe both will happen actually people will say quinoa and people will say quinoa and it will be spelled with a k then we'll end up in a yogurt nightmare again oh no that all over again oh um now technically because quinoa is a grain you can and I've never tried it but you can theoretically make bread from it.

Yeah I've used quinoa flour in biscuits and cakes. How do they taste? Quite a lot like quinoa but with chocolate chips in. I think quinoa bread is going to be the next big thing.

Think about it. Like twats like me that haven't eaten bread for 18 months cutting out bread for my health I don't know why I'm doing that. I just know that it was making me fat. I don't know if my health. I don't know why I'm doing that.

I just know that it was making me fat. I don't know if it's gluten. I don't know what that means. It's because that which bread is made of just breaks down into sugar almost immediately. Is that different with quinoa? Yeah, because quinoa has higher protein content. So why isn't Pret selling quinoa sandwiches?

Because I'd buy one. I'd pay £6.50 for a stupid quinoa prawn cocktail sandwich. They've come. They're going to deliver it. Quinoa for all the kids. I think it's probably the case that quinoa flour doesn't rise like bread flour does.

That's the problem with a lot of these alternative grains, Oli. They just don't make nice bread. You can make a nice quinoa chapati or tortilla wrap or something. So basically, I've got the right idea from a branding point of view, but the grain has yet to adapt to my modern way of thinking.

Quinoa wraps, though. Then you could be on to adapt to my modern way of thinking. Quinoa wraps though then you could be on to a winner. Quinoa wraps. Quinoa nachos. You could easily do that. Why? I'm almost tempted to cut this out of the podcast and just go and start as an entrepreneur

and start this up right now. Quinoa nachos, that sounds great. I totally... We're both of us twats enough that we'd pay more for a quinoa nacho to try them. Well, because the grain does cost a lot. You only have to try it once and then suddenly you've got the next courgette ships.

Here's another question of Supermarkets from Tom in reading who says i was at tesco express earlier and saw a man take a single banana off a bunch and pay for it it's the new olive bar i've never done this before and wouldn't because i would find it socially awkward separating a banana from its mates you think oh what if they want to get back to the banana party uh but except it is completely fine as you pay by weight. It got me thinking, though. Ollie, answer me this. Could you peel the banana and pay for it that way?

Well, you could. You could take a shit in the middle of the supermarket, couldn't you? But you wouldn't, because that would be obviously wrong. Well, it's not obvious, Tom. It would be way less to take the skin off the banana. It would save money, says Tom. But you're paying for an... That's ridiculous.

It goes for all the packaging, doesn't it? Yeah, you could, like, debone a lamb shank and just chuck some meat in a bucket, couldn't you? Surely the shop couldn't do anything about it. Obviously you'd put it in a bag to stop it having to touch the disgusting scales, or worse, the cashier's hands. But then the banana comes in its own bag,

made of its own skin! Yeah, actually, did you see that? There was this sort of meme, wasn't there, on social media a couple of months ago. If someone had spotted Morrisons were individually packing bananas in cellophane. Oh, for God's sake. They do that with coconuts as well.

The near impenetrable coconut gets shrink-wrapped. So bizarre. It's got God's packaging on it. Yeah. Well, Ollie, answer me this. Can you peel bananas before paying for them to save on weight? You can, but you shouldn't.

You obviously shouldn't. And you're weird. If you wouldn't even separate a banana from a bunch if you wanted fewer bananas than were on the bunch, then you're never going to have the guts to do this, Tom. Well, I'm with Tom that I wouldn't have done that. I know what he's saying, you pay by weight, but you... I've done that.

Have you? And you do that with ginger as well. You snap off the amount of ginger you want. No, never. Of course. Never. Literally never. No, you're meant to.

The price of the banana is factored in the fact that some of it is dead weight and some of it's the skin. In the same way that when you get a T-bone steak, you factor in the fact that there's a bone in it. Precisely, yes. And in fact, if they'd peeled the banana, if you wanted a peeled banana, then you'd pay more for it to be packaged

in a protective atmosphere where the banana hadn't gone off. That's going to be the next thing, isn't it? Peeled bananas, like buying apple segments rather than a whole apple. Why do people buy a packet of apple segments? It's weird, isn't it? It's babified. I put my picture

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My website, ollyman.co.uk, built with my fair hands using Squarespace. Oh, we do have fair hands. And isn't it beautiful? It's a bit bright, I think. It's fine. I mean, I'm not saying it's a great example of what you can do, but it's something that took me virtually no time at all. So well done, chaps, for designing something so lovely. And you can make a store and you can make a gallery or a portfolio or a menu.

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Carly in Oxford says, a couple of days ago I was with a group of friends and we decided to play a friendly game of Monopoly. No such thing. However, we never actually managed to play as we couldn't get round the board once due to a major dispute over the rules. Sounds fun.

I've always played with the rule that you cannot purchase anything on your first go round the board. Oh, it was like the Peloton where the cyclists have to stay behind the guide bike until near the end yeah yeah the grand prix they do that as well don't they first lap yeah uh but my friend claims this is not true she says i've searched and searched but i cannot find a confirmation of either rule so helen answer me this can you buy properties on the first go round the board yes there's nothing in any of the official

rules that i have read that says you can't what you can't do is build houses and hotels on the first go round the board yes there's nothing in any of the official rules that i have read that says you can't what you can't do is build houses and hotels on the first round yeah you can't buy a street and then build on it in the same go but that's in any round isn't it that's not just the first round the board you can't you can't buy yeah palmel and then start building hotels yeah but that that means by default in the first go around no one is buying it doesn't make the first round special. No. What I did not know is that if you choose not to buy the property that you've landed on,

the banker can then auction it off. I don't know if I've ever played by those rules. Is that a standard rule? Yeah. No one plays that. It's not how life works though, is it? Also, it takes like the element of chance. Then it is just pure capitalism.

And also strategy because you might think, well, I don't want to buy this now because I'm speculating but also I don't want someone else to have it so I better buy it you don't want to have to buy it just so no one else buys it no no indeed and the point of you having that strategic

talk with yourself because you don't know whether you're going to land on it again in the future is the fun bit of the game if you think well next time someone else

lands on it and they don't want it I'll buy it from them yeah a bit boring yeah but I guess the game would be over much quicker

if you play by the official rules good the game is never over quickly though no but maybe because no one plays by the official rules and the thing that i like but again it extends the game is the thing if you ever played this where you put all the fines that you give to the banker in the middle of the board and then when someone lands on free parking yeah oh yeah we used to play that role that's good fun yeah because if someone goes from being pretty much bankrupt and about to leave the game to winning everything, great game. It's just not a meritocratic game.

This is Katie from Christchurch in New Zealand. I was just talking with my boyfriend about new board games we could try, and I remember that I once saw an M&M version of Monopoly, and it made me wonder how many versions of Monopoly are there. Every time we go to stores, we always count them, and the most we've ever seen is, I think, 17. But Helen and Ollie and Martin are sounding, answer me that. How many

types of Monopoly are there in the world? It's an odd little quirk, isn't it, every time you see a brand extension for Monopoly that you then count how many are in the store. They have to, otherwise the house will burn down. It is a little bit, isn't it? That's the thing. It's kind of a funny thing to do once when you're boarding Toys R Us to then make it into a trend. Feels a bit odd.

Also, Katie, are you keeping a log? Because you might be counting one novelty Monopoly set several times. You might see it every time you go to the store rather than there being new ones. You don't need to keep a log because a man I assume it's a man. It must be a man called Yehuda online has been keeping a list since 2006

of every Monopoly spin-ff game. Would you care to guess how many he has catalogued? I'll give you the provisos first. He hasn't included translations. So, for example, some of the spinoffs, like, I don't know, Pixar Cars. Like, he hasn't counted all 50 translations of Pixar Cars Monopoly. That counts as one.

Yes, quite right. But he has included the unofficial ones, because not all of them are made by Parker Brothers and Waddingtons and whatever. Hasbro. And Hasbro. Some of them are obviously a bit dubious, but they've all ended in the wordopoly.

So he hasn't included the ones that are called, like, Oxford Street in a box, which is basically the same, but isn't Monopoly. So he's included the ones that endopoly. And have the same board format. Have the same board format, but aren't necessarily official tired. How many? He's been counting since 2006.

Recently updated. Last month. 242. 242. Says Helen, do you have any rise on that from Martin? I was going to say, yeah, 256. You are both way off. When I tell you way off, I'm seriously not exaggerating. 700. Okay, and a final rise from Martin on 700. 1013.

2769. Shit. Is there a version shitter than the monopoly spin-off we've got which is the wolverhampton version hey there's baghdad i mean that would be fascinating i suppose what if it's a good way to learn about new places playing like if you before you went there on holiday you could just look at all the it's very skewed though isn't it like the london one like oh i'm gonna go to the waterworks and then i'm gonna go to the old kent road and then mayfair uh there are some really fun ones there's there's an angry birds one obviously that came out a couple of years ago simpsons one what are the locations for the angry birds then because i

remember it being very geographically uh grounded point yeah it's gonna be they probably have to say like redbirds house and shit like that not very interesting types of forest i guess um but um there's metallica one oh but you'd quite like that one Not very interesting. It's a forest, I guess. But there's Metallica one. Oh. But you'd quite like that one. And what are the... Are they like songs then that you stop at? I imagine.

And the jail is Napster. And there's a BBC Radio 1 version where presumably a lot of their presenters go straight to jail. What? Well, it depends on the era. If it's 70s Radio 1... I imagine it is. I imagine it is. I don't think Radio 1 would do a Monopoly tie and no, it doesn't feel right, does it?

If it came out now, I would feel too old to play it. to googlemail.com or if you really have the phone [phone] you're up with the time to me this podcast at to googlemail.com so ask your question to Ellen and Ali

the fun, the sound, the magic all the derrington pieces answer me this podcast Here's a question from Carly who says, My flatmate travels for work and I have looked after her two cats for five of the past nine months. Before her most recent trip, she said she didn't have a will. Of course, that would be the natural conversation

you'd have, wouldn't it? Just before you leave to go on a work trip by the way if i die just want you to know haven't got a will enjoy the flat but that if she died she wanted the cats to go back to the breeder and not to her family i was a bit surprised that she didn't ask if i wanted the cats as i'm the only other person they have a bond with that's what cats want you to think exactly that is almost entirely in your head they have a bond with. That's what cats want you to think. Exactly. That is almost entirely in your head. They have a bond in that they've recognised that you feed them when your flatmate isn't there. Those are the manipulatrixes. They look for the tasty bits once you're dead.

I'm not a cat person, says Carly, but I really feel that if my flatmate dies, I am the best person to take the cats. They're very attached to me and I am quite fond of them. So Ollie answers me this. Am I wrong to intend to take the cats should she die yes you are wrong to do that if the will states otherwise you'd be breaking the law yes but she doesn't have a will but then you think if she's so determined for her family not to get the cats

if she dies without a will her family will automatically get the cats so i don't want the cats no exactly so you need carly to make a deal with the family that if she dies you'll get the cats but then it will sound like you are going to bump her off in order to get the cats, and therefore if she does have an accident, it's going to look bad for you. Suspicion will fall on you. The cat killer, they'll call you. If she's dead, she won't know who gets the cats. What if the breeder doesn't want them?

The breeder is probably the one person not short of cats. True. Actually, viewing this from the position of the cat person if you actually said look i'd love to take the cats because i think that they have a bond with me actually your flatmate would probably be thrilled she probably thinks oh god i've burdened my flatmate with the cats she puts up with it but she wouldn't want to actually look after them yeah i mean the thing is i've found is that as a cat person leaving my cat with a non-cat person is actually quite traumatic

for me um so that's why she's probably saying just off the top of her head oh I'd rather went to the breeder because then you know that the breeder at least not going to kill the cat by accident um whereas you leave with a non-cat person so my mate Che lived in our house for a week last year we went to France he looked after the cat we had a a text message from him whilst we were in on fleur you know know, many hundreds of miles away, saying Coco's just done a big shit on the floor. Now, that never happens. That has never happened the whole time we've owned her.

Well, not that you've noticed. That would be very odd behaviour indicative of something seriously ill. Right. Depends on the texture of the shit. She might have just been a punk. Yeah, she might just be uncomfortable with someone on her territory. It could be that,

but it made us worried immediately because we thought, well, that's never happened before. And then the whole way through the holiday, me and my girlfriend were like, we didn't think we'd go back because the cat had done a shit,

but we did think, right, in the future, the cat's going to a cattery. We're not going to give it to a non-cat person who doesn't understand. And then actually when we got back and I saw her behaviour,

I realised that probably almost certainly what had happened is she'd done a spew which is commonplace yeah let's do that all the bloody time and it had firmed up in the heat of the summer sun and looked like a shit now a cat person would have identified that immediately and not even called me about it yeah but because he was like well she's done a shit in the middle of the carpet i had to clean it up i choose cat carpet cleaner you know all this stuff i was like oh my god she's really ill so it's just maybe it's just that anxiety of leaving your cat with a non-cat person maybe you need to leave your cat with a non-cat person and a card index with all the different kinds of things that could emerge from your cat with a picture next to them

so they know what to look out for take a gallery of all the different bodily fluids that have emerged from your cat over the course of the year so that they're well prepared this brings us to the end of this episode of answer me this but but do send us questions for the next episode via email phone or skype and our contact details are on our website answer me this podcast.com and remember the weeks that you don't get a shiny new episode of answer me this on a thursday there will be an episode waiting for you of both the illusionist Helen's podcast and the media podcast, my podcast, to keep you entertained and amused. That's good value, isn't it?

Well, for free, yeah. You could mix them together and pretend that we're in the same studio. The media illusionist. You have to chuck in some brain train or send the latest podcast to have made it. Think about it. Absolutely.

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