Answer Me This! - AMT319: Dominatrix Days Out, Glitter, and Paul Simon Says

Episode Date: July 23, 2015

Today's questioneers share their despair about the correct mustard to use in recipes, the New Zealand flag referendum, and relationships with a dominatrix. For more details about this episode, and to obtain it via other means than this one, visit http://answermethispodcast.com/episode319.Send questions to [e-mail], or the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis)Tweet us http://twitter.com/helenandollyBe our Facebook friend at http://facebook.com/answermethisSubscribe on iTunes http://iTunes.com/AnswerMeThisBuy old episodes and albums at http://answermethisstore.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

If I go to the beach with you, will I catch crabs? Answer me this, answer me this When will 70s kids get over sherbet dip-daps? Answer me this, answer me this Helen and Ollie, answer me this We have an authoritative response to the discussion about Cinderella's blue dress. Thank God. Yes.

I don't know about you, but I haven't been sleeping the past fortnight. That's because the dress is so uncomfortable to wear in bed, isn't it? Very synthetic. Someday my answer will come. I've been singing to myself. Annie says, I just wanted to chime in about Cinderella's dress with some inside information. My former job was in costumes with Disney on Ice. And I can assure you that on my show, Cinderella's dress is silver with a light blue sheen.

Like a glacier. Yeah yeah Annie's attached a photo to prove this and all I can say Annie is bibbidi-bobbidi-bothered because bibbidi-bobbidi-blue you should have said because looking at it as far as I'm concerned I mean yes I accept your definition but I would say there's still a case there to say that is actually light blue I also thought light blue Ollie yeah like you described last time actually light blue. I also thought light blue, Ollie. Like you described last time, ice blue. So I'd refer you to my previous answer and say, yes, it is. I said all along, it is white with a shimmer of blue.

But I think when you then manifest that in cuddly merchandise in the Disney store for $25 a pop, it comes out as light blue. They can't do that kind of nuance. They can't do that kind of skimmed milk colour. Exactly. Incidentally, the whole Disney on ice thing. Yes. Did you ever go?

Of course not. No. Did that even exist in Britain when we were growing up? I must have been two or three times in my life. Of course you have. Do you like it? Never liked it. Why did you go two or three times then?

Because it's just something your grandparents can take you to when you live near Wembley. Oh. Well, I don't have that experience. It's definitely better than Wembley Fruit Market to an eight year old. What about fruit on ice? Did you enjoy that little crossover? Did you ever go to Disney on ice, Martin? Did you ever go to

any kind of thing on ice? Any ice based extravaganza? The Black Country Living Museum on ice? I went to Telford Ice Wing. I was on ice. Yeah, Martin on ice. It's pretty good. The thing is I was on ice. Yeah, Martin on ice. It's pretty good. The thing is with Disney on ice is especially in the 80s when Disneyland Paris

hadn't opened yet, the novelty of seeing those costumes, you know, Mickey and Minnie and all the rest, in the UK was enough. Enough. It does not need to be

on ice as well. Yeah, but them just standing around would that be as good? I would have liked a vaudeville style show. Like the Rockettes, but made of Disney. Like an end of the pier show starring my favourite Disney characters.

That's what I want. You would like to recast a chorus line with Disney characters. Exactly. That would be good, actually. But the ice thing, and don't get me wrong, I know there's like a Germanic vibe to Snow White and Cinderella and they sort of live in the forest, so they may have encountered ice in their life. Yes, and also there are a lot of balls where there's probably

ice in the drinks nonetheless nonetheless now i mean i was just looking at the disney on ice website i don't get me wrong frozen makes perfect sense yeah frozen has come along and 30 years later legitimized disney on ice yeah but the problem there is people will be disappointed if you don't get a full castle made of ice and it's just a flat rink. Well, which might be why the current stars of Disney on Ice are the Prince and Princess from The Princess and the Frog. Really? Now, that's the Black Princess that lives in Louisiana.

They definitely don't see ice there. Not in great quantities. Doesn't really go along with the music and the style of the thing, which is all about, you know, life in the bayou. Does the frog not live in liquid water as well, rather than water in its solid state? So it would die in ice, possibly. Or hybronate, whatever frogs do.

I suppose what I'm saying, Disney on Ice, is let it go. Oh. Now, you'll remember as well that we were discussing vasectomies in Answer Me This 318. Well, Ellie in Gypsy Hill has written in to say, regarding the snip and whether one can check its success oneself using a microscope. Sadly,

says Ellie, for my childhood memories of using my Toys R Us chemistry set, my family has a story that confirms this is possible. My dad had a vasectomy when I was a child. I found this out at the age of 22 when it came up in a conversation at a family dinner.

Oh, would you like more potatoes, darling? Oh, do you remember when your father had his vas deferens severed? Can you give us that microwave pouch? You just need to snip the end off and put it in. Oh, you want more gravy, do you? Well, there is none. Following the operation, says Ellie, my dad was too embarrassed to go back

for the wanking into a cup part of the process. Why is that the embarrassing part? Surely that is post the most embarrassing parts. My mum didn't trust that it had worked without confirmation, says Ellie. So he used the microscope from the children's chemistry set my brother and I had at the time

to check his own output. Great. How did that go? I don't have any younger siblings, she says, so it was clearly effective. But I do have a microscope covered in spunky. So he wasn't too embarrassed to use a children's toy, but he was too embarrassed to see medical professionals. What a man of inconsistencies. This is Nick from Hitchin.

Helen and Ollie, answer me this. I'm cooking dinner for my wife, one of our standard lazy evening weeknight dinners it's pasta with spicy sausage basil and mustard um it's in the nigel slater book there is a great big product shot showing a huge tub of whole grain mustard and the finished product also in the picture looks like it's got a whole grain mustard but the ingredients list says dijon mustard and my wife and i always argue over this one. If I cook it, I do it with the whole grain mustard in the picture.

If she does it, she does it with the Dijon mustard. Both taste nice, although we both think our version is better. So answer me this. Who is right? Is it the person that did the product shot or is it the person who wrote and proofread and approved the text in the recipe? That

would resolve a long-standing disagreement for us. Thank you. Bye. I don't understand the problem if both versions are nice. I totally understand the problem. You've bought a celebrity cookbook. You want to know which part of the book is authentically the voice of the celebrity speaking to you through your $9.99 gift.

Is it the recipe as written verbatim from Nigel Slater's own mouth? Or the picture taken by food stylists? Well, this is it. I mean, we've debunked the whole food stylist bollocks before and therefore on that basis it is more likely, isn't it, that a food writer has written the words than taken the picture. And someone else has been sent out to buy mustard.

Which mustard? Oh God, I don't know! But I've seen versions of this from the book online, including Nigel's Own observer column Bloody hell You've done some Proper research Helen Of course This is very important

Glory be It's been bringing down Their marriage for years So the version in Nigel Slater's Observer column From I think 2001 Specifies

Grainy mustard Grainy Well that's what Whole grain mustard is However The version on the BBC website To go with one of his TV series

Specifies A spoonful of Both grainy and Dijon mustard. Okay. So maybe you should just do that and save your marriage. Yay! Maybe Nigel Slater, you know, we think of him as being this food expert. Unassailable. Maybe he's actually quite erratic and clumsy.

Maybe he handed in a whole load of notes to the publisher and he's like, ah, I'll just put some of these recipes together. He just wrote random food words on a piece of paper and was like, put them together in something that sounds nice. I'm sure that's basically what Ottolenghi does a lot of the time. Just like cream... Sumac. Yeah. Freaker.

Pomegranate and guitar straps from Arabia. That sounds fine. Right, I'm off to brunch. Like David Bowie lyrics, basically. Just big word soup. I like cut-ups. William Burroughs' I'm off to brunch. Like David Bowie lyrics, basically. Just big word soup. I like cut-ups. Yeah. William Burroughs' technique is applied to recipes.

Yeah. Nice. That seems actually plausible. Maybe this tells us more about Nigel Slater's inconsistency than it does about any fault at the publisher or within your ridiculously pedantic marriage. Maybe Nigel Slater likes both grainy mustard and smooth mustard. But then he should have specified as he did in the BBC recipe.

It's like... As usual, the extra research that our public service broadcaster puts into things is worth the licencebc recipe it's like as usual the extra research that our public service broadcaster puts into things is worth the license fee folks hashtag save the bbc but what if sometimes he prefers the grainy version sometimes the smooth but he likes them generally just as much as the other one so he doesn't want to make a call but it's all according to the tide of his mustard mood at the time if we were to make this recipe now which mustard would you choose uh depends which mustard we've got in the house which is almost certainly just going to be smooth english mustard now you see now this is interesting this business about substituting ingredients

i'm someone who if i'm making a recipe and i don't very often because it's pain in the ass and i'm not very good at it like reading but if i'm going to make a recipe i'll take a picture of the book yes and take my smartphone to the supermarket and buy everything on there. Even if some of it clearly is just store cupboard ingredients. I've got something very similar. Even if it's like garnish with parsley. Yeah. You buy the parsley.

You put it on the side. Yeah. And then waste it. Yeah. Even if it says, you know, white cider vinegar instead of red cider vinegar, things like that. I will buy exactly what it says. Okay.

Why is that? Because I'm following the recipe. And so I don't want, I want the minimum amount of blame on myself. Oh, I see. When it's just absolving yourself from responsibility, I do get it. So I would actually, and this is why I understand the concern here,

I would go and buy Dijon mustard, especially to make this recipe, even if I had five other types of mustard. I have to say, though... So to find out afterwards that whole grain would have been acceptable, I'd be fucking fuming. In a Mary Shagkill situation,

I would definitely kill Dijon mustard. Yeah. I've got an idea, though. perhaps you could do a blind taste test get around a panel of trusted friends you and your wife both prepare equal quantities of your mustard pasta and thus prove by jury which is the best mustard no it's not a blind because the flavors of dijon and whole grain are so distinct no It's cheese based on the preference for which kind of mustard, not how well it works in the recipe. I don't think in a recipe with spicy sausages you're going to know that exactly which mustard you got.

That's interesting. Unless you're sensitive to the texture of the grains. Here's a question from Cheesy who says, Helen, answer me this. Who is Simon? As in the popular children's party game, Simon Says. The Simon that is most cited online, but based on a Yahoo article,

which itself does not offer any evidence for this assertion, is the Roman historian and orator Cicero. Oh, okay. So it could either be a corruption of Cicero Says, or just total bullshit. And then the other historical contender, slightly more convincingly, is Simon de Montfort, the 6th Earl of Leicester,

who captured Henry III and his son, the future King Edward I, at the Battle of Lewis. And it meant that for the next year, every order that Henry III gave could have been overturned by Simon de Montfort until he was defeated at the Battle of Evesham. I'm shocked that kids don't remember that when it's told to them.

Simon says, count countermand that law well so the king was nominally ruling but because the king was captive simon was effectively yeah precisely so it makes more sense of why you'd be following simon so i think that's a good story but i also think it's a bullshit story and i'm not sure that there's a real simon it could be simon Apostle. He was quite authoritative. Or Paul Simon. Yes. He's quite charismatic. He's bossy, isn't he?

He is quite bossy. In our Garfunkel's world, that is the Simon. That would be fun, wouldn't it, if you did the counterbalance? You know, Simon says, put your hands on your head. Garfunkel says, just peace out, man. This is a game I would love to play. It sounds a little like Michael Jackson yeah simon says sit on the floor garfunkel says just forget about it um i i actually always disliked simon says as a game

no one tells an only child what to do i think i dislike the group think that was the thing i just i and it was partly because i didn't i was like who the fuck simon like sheep against your invisible lord. Simon's got something to say to me. Come here and say it himself. Don't hide behind you, party entertainer dressed as a clown. It's basically Scientology for kids, isn't it? Exactly.

Exactly. And it never seemed to me either to tally with that classic teacher's refrain. Oh, you only did that because Helen did it, did you? Well, if Helen told you to run under a bus, would you do that? Well, if Helen told you to jump off a cliff, would you do that? Well, if Helen told you to jump off a cliff, would you do that? No, I wouldn't, right? But if you told me to push someone in the face, I would, because it's funny. That's if I tell you to do what you want to do, then you're into it.

Fine. It's odd that you'll allow yourself to be ruled by cookbooks and not humans. But the point is, the teacher would say that, and then in the same breath say, let's play a game of Simon's Hairs. Yeah. And I'd think, hypocrite. It's a bit like the Divine W Right of Kings, isn't it? It's a sort of appeal to authority.

Well, in other countries, Simon Says is called master or king instead of Simon. So it does figure. Ah. Now that's interesting because we actually still have a monarchy. Yeah. If here it was called the King Says, you'd sort of be training children to understand the importance of monarchistic rule. It's impossible to understand the importance of monarchistic rule

since it is completely useless. That's true. I've taken more instructions from a fictional Simon than I have from Queen Elizabeth II. And yet she gets all the stamps. Unfair. If you've got a question, email your question to answer me this podcastgooglemail.com

Answer with this podcast at googlemail.com It's great! The new BMO VI Porter MasterCard is your ticket to more. More perks. More points. More flights. More of all the things you want in a travel rewards card. And then some.

Get your ticket to more with the new BMO VI Porter MasterCard and get up to $2,400 in value in your first 13 months. Terms and conditions apply. Visit bmo.com slash VIPorter to learn more. Here's a question for you, Helen, from Rupert in Richmond, who says, my daughter has started doing arts and crafts at nursery. Even you didn't start that early, did you? I think at nursery I was learning ancient Greek. Yes, I was going to say, you latin literate before you even picked up a needle uh and she comes home says rupert all the time with stuff that has glitter all over it and it gets absolutely everywhere helen answer me this what is glitter and how do you make it? Well, Rupert, glitter is mainly made out of shredded plastic or paper

that has been chemically coated with paint or aluminium, or aluminium has been baked on it. You are ruining all the magic. I until now assumed there was some kind of labour camp for pixies and fairies where they make this stuff out of their bums. It's just crap, isn't it? It's like when we learnt how hundreds and thousands were made, and it was just as unromantic as how they make plastic packing beads the plastic is usually mylar so it's kind

of like making one of those big space blankets it's the same process they use to make foil crisp packets yeah it sounds quite specialized yeah i wouldn't be surprised if you know like when they there was that hummus health scare about five years ago what and it turned out the enemy all along it turned out that um m&s hummus and tesco hummus and sainsbury's hummus it's all different prices all slightly different ingredients you know different quantities of tahini and garlic all made in the same factory so when there was an outbreak of um whatever listeria or whatever it was in the factory all humai was affected across all supermarkets and the british middle class says we'll wipe it out within days they were malnourished within a week um i wonder

if glitter's a bit like that i wonder if actually all glitter you know the ones that come in the 50 pound harrods crackers and the ones that come in the pound shop crackers actually come from the same place because it's glitter yeah you can't really tell i suppose with the harrods stuff you might put it under a microscope and found that it's made of actual ground diamonds or something. But glitter was invented by a cattle rancher. How come? Maybe just like things that were shiny

and he missed them just being surrounded by unshiny cows all the time. There probably is an agricultural purpose for it actually though, isn't there? Birds get frightened or attracted to shiny things, don't they? Yeah, well I think it was an accident. Like so many discoveries are. This guy in 1934 was doing his hobby, which was being a machinist, and he thus accidentally discovered how to make the machine cut these minute little bits of shiny.

And how were they first used? 1934. That was during quite an austere era, wasn't it? Yes, there was a great deal of festivity going on. Yeah. I actually miss glitter during the rest of the year. Because I don't have children, I only really see glitter at Christmas. We used to have a glitter toilet seat. I miss that.

That was great. Yeah. But the point is, it's weird, isn't it? January to November, no glitter. Then suddenly, December, bam. Everything. Common as muck. Glitter everywhere.

Glitter falling out of cards, glitter stuck to the wall. But then you do get glitter the rest of the year because it's in your carpet. Yes, and of course that's the affliction that Rupert is referring to. It's like a shiny virus isn't it? Do you know what, it's actually better though than, I don't even know the vocabulary for this the word for this, but when I was seven I went to see the Muppet Show live. Yes

on ice. It wasn't on ice on dry land. And therefore I was happy The last time I was truly happy. It was really good actually. They had Stat and waldorf up in the royal box they did the whole thing properly i don't actually remember the show but i remember being very excited because i was in the same room as kermit anyway um i was like off my tits on uh but in the audience they you know like now when you go to bonfire night they have those special

torches that people have just on bonfire night and you never see them any other time they have like uv stuff in well those little rave bracelet yeah exactly yeah they didn't have those this predated the technology of those so what they had in the mid-80s instead of that was a battery operated little pin torch with like a duracell aa battery in it and then at the end these like strands of some kind of polymer do you remember those and they'd all be different colors at the end yes like a fiber optic brush fiber optic, fibre optic brush, yeah. And that, I mean, I was just tripping on it. Yes, quite right.

Like a 17-year-old at an ecstasy party. Probably staring at one of those same things because you used to be able to get those line fittings as well where you just looked at a big bunch of fibre optic spangles. But then, of course, I took it home, the battery ran out, and then one day I stepped on it. Oh, the magic was broken. Shards.

Shards and shards and shards in my family carpet for i mean i would say a decade the cat was eating them they were getting in between your feet yeah it's extraordinary so you don't know how lucky you've got it actually rupert glitter ain't so bad you know though uh i was at a folk festival uh yesterday i didn't know that really that's not the bit i was testing um but i was it was good my friends who i was with ben and nikki their little girl charlotte was with us who's two years old and i didn't know that really that's not the bit I was testing but I was it was good my friends who I was with Ben and Nikki their little girl Charlotte was with us who's two years old

and I didn't realise this until I went but apparently two year olds don't really like folk so what are they into then like delta blues

or I think more into bluegrass extraordinarily at some point between Mary Chapman Carpenter and Bellowhead Charlotte wanted to go

and do something else so they took her to the story tent and she went and did that. But then they took her to the lavender pit. And this is a new thing that I've never seen. Have you seen that before? A lavender pit? Isn't that what they used to call a treat? It was not used

to be the jail that they would put gay men in before being gay was legal. It's a sand pit with loads and loads of little chopped up bits of lavender sounds great like a potpourri for two-year-olds kitty potpourri to cover up the smell of their shit what's amazing is they were so amused and excited like honestly 35 minutes went by i mean a good seven mary shappen carpenter songs and charlotte was just scooping up lavender and pouring it over her head pouring it over another baby's head,

pouring it on the floor, touching the lavender. Like a lavender baptism. And I was like, wow, you don't even need glitter, really. No. You know, if you offer them anything they can hold and play with, that sounds wrong, but you know what I mean. Anything that's small and attractive to them, they'll play with.

Yeah, anything that's monotonous and seemingly has no appeal to you. Yeah. Here's a question from Preston. He says, Ollie, answer me this. Ritz, biscuits or hotel which came first are they connected if so why no hilton wafers or travelodge crackers because travelodge is not giving you anything extra that's true and actually there are hilton biscuits or for the americans listening double tree cookies that's the thing if you go to double

tree by hilton they give you a free warm cookie. I say free. It's built into the price. Probably cost £5 more to stay there. But that's their thing. If you stay at Double Tree, free cookie when you get there. And if you go to Travelodge,

you think it's a cracker, but it's actually your towel. Anyway, point is, I don't think they even have ever served Ritz crackers at the Ritz. Although I suppose, you know, I'm trying to think of a famous person that stayed there

and the first two names that came to my head were Michael Jackson and Joan Rivers. And I thought, shit, what's the contemporary reference for someone who stays at the Ritz? Thatcher's dead. Who stays at the Ritz now? Well, now I feel like I'm cursing somebody if I say that person stays at the Ritz. Think of a person who's contemporary who would stay at the Ritz.

Well, I don't know. They would have to be pretty old because otherwise you'd go to a slightly cooler place. Yeah, like old glamour. Jackie Mason would probably stay at the Ritz when he's in London. If he could afford it. I reckon he'd stay at the Dorchester, really. But let's say. OK, so Jackie Mason wants to order Ritz crackers to his room at the Ritz. he's in London If he could afford it I reckon he'd stay at the Dorchester really but let's say Okay so Jackie Mason wants to order Ritz crackers to his room at the Ritz

I'm sure they'd do it for him Just so that he stopped complaining Just to dry out his mouth We should have taken some Ritz crackers for him in episode 206 Maybe he would have hated us a bit less But anyway in the dining room there's never been any formal connection Between Ritz crackers and the Ritz The hotel came first but it's not a coincidence.

Ritz Crackers were named after the Ritz Hotel in a very pre-copyright era kind of way. Was it to give the impression of fanciness whilst offering nothing of the kind? Indeed. And that's, in fact, you know, related to your glitter history a moment ago. Because in the same sort of time, same of period 1934 i think the ritz cracker was invented and then they crumbled it and said that could be glitter you know it you know came out the depression era america uh people wanted affordable snacks so this was something that made people feel a bit better about the fact they just lost all their money and they didn't have a job uh they could afford a ritz cracker that glimmered because it

was buttery uh compared to other crackers which only reminded them of their poverty but also there were a lot of decades in which very processed kind of crappy by today's standards foods were pretty classy well because the whole notion of a processed food that would be the same in every city was sort of I wouldn't go so far to say glamorous but was a novelty magnificent wasn't it particularly post-second world war yes even first world war they were like we've just been eating sawdust for four years give us that turkey twizzler thing yeah exactly and it's interesting isn't it like people now talk about oh the war generation you know they knew how to how to make food from scratch and they had time for each other and they were good neighbors and yeah whereas actually it was exactly that generation who at the first opportunity were

like give me a fucking fridge. I want a microwave. Yeah, give me white bread. Yeah, I want to go on jumbo jets and I want to forget that the war happened. And has the Ritz never tried to shut down this menace that threatens to overtake their brand recognition? I think not because that would seem a little bit below their brand. But what crackers do they serve at the Ritz with cheese? I bet they're not particularly classy crackers. I bet they're those like Hovis ones that look like a miniature loaf of bread that come in a multi-pack. Yes, but I bet they're not the ones that you buy in Marks & Spencer.

I bet they're ones you can only get in very, very expensive food halls. They'll be ones you can get in Fortnum's, but they won't taste any better. Yeah, they'll be from Switzerland, but they'll be the same. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, well, I think we're all agreed on that. And that's what you want from the Ritz, and that's why Ritz wouldn't demean themselves by trying to sue a cracker company.

What does Ritz actually mean? The hotel was named after its founder. Oh, Mr why Ritz wouldn't demean themselves by trying to sue a cracker company. What does Ritz actually mean? The hotel was named after its founder. Oh, Mr Ritz. Swiss hotelier Cesar Ritz. And his nickname was King of Hoteliers and Hotelier to Kings, which sounds like an introduction to a pro wrestler. So presumably the adjective Ritzy

is just comparing something to the Ritz. To the Ritz Hotel, yeah, yeah, yeah. Which actually, I mean, I think in the long run, all of this stuff has helped the Ritz's brand image. Yeah. The Ritz Cracker being an absolutely entry-level product that every American preschooler eats at some point means that they are going to grow up

if they ever start earning 100 grand a year to think, I'm going to stay at the Ritz. Yeah. I think there is an association that's been helpful for them. I don't think it would be useful for them to shut it down. Do you think psychologically, we think Ritz Crack crackers are better than tuck biscuits, even though they're basically the same substance,

just because there isn't a hotel tuck on Piccadilly? There's a trade unions congress. It's true, but it's just not quite as glamorous. Well, listeners, I don't know if any of you have actually stayed in the Ritz and have any... I can be pretty sure. You might have some inside scoop on what crackers they actually use there.

Or if you're going to the Ritz this summer on your summer holiday But if you're not And just hazard a guess that the majority of you are not Perhaps you could have a cheaper getaway by buying the Answer Me This Holiday album It's available on iTunes, it's available on Amazon And it's available for just £2.49 from our own shop AnswerMeThisStore.com If you want to give us

all of the money instead of large corporations. Indeed, and it's an album all about and by album we basically do just mean our long edition of the podcast, all about going away on holiday, hotels, weird stuff that happens in other places. And today's intermission is one such weird thing happening to Ollie in another place.

Sex on the beach, the way they do it. It's very precise, and if you haven't been there, you'll think I'm making this up, but this is institutionalised across Cancun as a resort. The ladies throw your head back, pour it down your mouth, swing your head from side to side, pinch your nipples,

turn you over, smack you on the bum, and then rub their hand just below your groin and laugh. That is such a violation. If it was male shots people doing that to women, there'd be an absolute uproar. That's right, although women often elect to have it done, but it is female shot porers.

I get very uncomfortable if in conversation someone lightly touches my arm. I would not cope well with that. Nipple squeeze. But whenever I make Martin a cup of tea, I throw it down his mouth and slap him on the arse. I don't know about you, Helen, but I am ready to hear a question from our phone line. I am always ready for that, Ollie.

Well, just because I said I didn't know, that didn't mean I was curious. Here's the number. 0-2-0-8-1-2-3-5-8-double-7 And you can Skype answer me this. Hello, my name is Sarah from Riverside, California. Please answer me this. Hello, my name is Sarah from Riverside, California. Please answer me this. I live with my mom, a housemate, and the housemate's girlfriend. The girlfriend is new, has lived here for less than a year.

For six years before that, another girlfriend of his lived here, and she and I were our pretty good friends. Every year we have an Independence Day party at the house, and this year I invited the old girlfriend. So my question is, does this make me an asshole? I think if you did not consult with your housemate and his girlfriend and just went ahead and did it, it does make you a bit of an asshole. Well, you don't have to use the word asshole.

I mean, I think if she didn't confer in advance, that makes you almost endearingly insensitive, like a kind of idiot savant for rudeness. But certainly I would agree with Helen's suggestion that the convention would be to run it past the ex-boyfriend before you invite her back round to the house when the new girlfriend will be there in a way that will remind everyone that they used to be together. Yeah. That would be polite, wouldn't it? Also, you run the risk of them retaliating next year by inviting your elementary school bully or something i think also because it sounds like their breakup is relatively recent it's too soon for this whereas if it was five or ten years down the line there'd be some curiosity to bumping into an old

flame i mean also the new girlfriend might be totally cool with it so yeah it doesn't necessarily mean that there's a problem but the reason you are a bit of an arsehole is you haven't really thought about her feelings at all and you live with this woman and she may take it as and this would be wrong but i've i've known women to behave in this way and you can choose to call it irrational if you want she may take it as you prefer the old girlfriend to me yes even though it's not inviting her to be the girlfriend it's just inviting her as your friend she might take it as you prefer the old girlfriend to me yes even though it's not inviting her to be the girlfriend it's just inviting her as your friend she might take it as undercutting her role at the party which is to be his girlfriend maybe you should have got your mum to decide

since she lives with all of you and she's probably quite a good adjudicator slightly more removed from it all well i think everyone would probably say you know what this year sarah give it a rest i think actually we are saying you're an arsehole, Sarah. I think actually in conclusion... I don't want to, Sarah, but that was a bit of an arsehole. That was a bit of an arsehole-y thing to do. Yeah, exactly. You're a glimpse of an arsehole through someone's shorts. You're not like a full, you know, splayed out... Like Marilyn Manson.

I don't even... Did you just pick a name of someone you think is a bit of an arsehole? No, he gets his bum out. Oh, does he? Yeah, he kind of really properly waves his anus around. Right, okay. I don't know if he still does. OK. Having said that Sarah is a bit of an arsehole, though, I will defend her by saying

I would kind of like to watch that showdown if I was at that party. A bit of a scrap is often fun to report afterwards. Oh, how was your 4th of July? Well. Yes. Another question of international relations from Duncan, who says,

I've been living in New Zealand for almost nine years, and I'm very happy in my adopted home. It seems like a happy place, New Zealand. I plan to eventually take the final step and become a Kiwi, but not quite yet. As a permanent resident, I get almost all the benefits of being a Kiwi, so there isn't a particular hurry to naturalise. OK. One benefit, though, I do get as a permanent resident is being allowed to vote in elections and referendums. And I'm happy to do this, as it affects me

just as much as it does the Kiwis. But I have something of a quandary coming up. In the next year, New Zealand will be voting on whether or not to change their flag. A debate that's been raging since the early 70s. I had no idea. No. the next year new zealand will be voting on whether or not to change their flag a debate that's been raging since the early 70s i had no idea no why because it's got the union jack on it basically yeah i don't know enough about kiwis as to whether or not they're gonna australians i think would ultimately get rid of the union jack you know there's a few royalists left aren't there

but ultimately they'll get rid of it but kiwis i don't know i reckon they probably quite like having a slightly more important country on this well the fact that it's taken them 40 years to get around to referending this makes it seem like they don't want to make too much of a fuss about the flag. Anyway, Duncan continues, I'm not sure this is something I should vote on. It's not a matter of governance or taxation that affects me. It's a question of culture and nationalism that cuts deep into the meaning of being a Kiwi in the 21st century.

And as such, it isn't something I really have a stake in. But it is. If you've made your home there, then you're a Kiwi of the 21st century. And as such, it isn't something I really have a stake in. But it is. If you've made your home there, then you're a Kiwi of the 21st century, aren't you? You've spent most of the 21st century thus far in New Zealand. Well, he says I have the right to vote in the referendum. I certainly have opinions. But Helen, answer me this.

Should I vote on this issue? Sounds like you're leaning towards yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. I'm referending myself right now. I agree. I think yes too.

I always think if you have the possibility to vote, you should use it. Even if you don't actually deliver a choice one way or another, just demonstrate the fact that you appreciate your opportunity to vote. This is Kiwis deciding the future for their own country and you are part of that future whether you're a citizen or not. If they change the flag, they're doing that because they want to choose a flag that represents who they are now and you are part of that future whether you're a citizen or not if they change the flag they're doing that because they want to choose a flag that represents who they are now and you're part of that yeah so if you'd be part of the new flag then you you're allowed to vote to be part of the old flag as well they've got public submissions for the new flag

and there are like 10 000 options that they're going to have to sift through one of them looks a bit like an embryonic alien i quite like that one uh one of them looks like a kiwi bird smoking a silk cut some of them are a bit too playful. I wouldn't be at all surprised if in the end they end up choosing one that, like everyone else's flags, is basically stripes. Well, I think you want a flag that is easily replicable. If you can't paint it on your face with ease at sporting events, then your flag has failed. That's what New Zealand needs to vote on. Yes, I think you're right, actually, because ours is tricky to paint on your face, isn't it? Not England, but Britain. The Union Jack is a good one to paint on your face, I think.

Even if you get the colours the wrong way round in the Union Jack, people will know what you were trying to do. So I think that works, and it only requires three types of face paint. So I think ours is a good one. Right, okay. The Black Country flag was designed by a child. It's quite good, I think. I mean, not uncontroversial. Now, explain the controversy, Martin.

It depicts chains on it to do with the fact that there were chainmakers in the black country and that's been linked to the history of British slavery, which is not a great connection. Yeah, well, I wouldn't have necessarily associated the black country with chains more than, say, black pudding or stainless fasteners that you were manufacturing in the 1890s. Iron work and leather work and things like that

were quite a big part of the black country. I mean, maybe it's just the way a 12-year-old parlours that into a tangible good. You can't communicate the concept of tannery. You can communicate the concept of tannery. It's just a river of shit. If you don't even know what a question is Then you're probably at the wrong place

Cos religion's on godcasts Dogs are on dogcasts religion's on Godcasts, dogs are on Dogcasts, fish are on Rodcasts, but we don't do fish, cos on this podcast, you answer me this Here's a question from Nigel who says I have a rather unusual

relationship with a lady who is a professional dominatrix. I am her personal slave. That sounds like the usual relationship you would expect. What this entails, says Nigel, is going round to her house, which she shares with her long-term partner, to clean once a week. Ingenious. You're quite a dominatrix. So far you just sound like a cleaner

i hate to break it to you buying her nice gifts this woman's genius cleaner meets sugar daddy sometimes being called up to do odd jobs handyman going out for food and drinks or maybe a day out that's where it gets weird yeah because that's almost like a relationship of equals sometimes i massage her if she calls after a busy day. Sometimes I go to her dungeon where she can enjoy her sadistic hobbies. That sounds more in keeping than the massaging. Yes, I think

that's the thing where you've definitely tipped the scale there into full-on dominatrix behaviour. But maybe that is part of the thing that keeps you trembling in anticipation. Will she want a massage today or will she want a stamp on my face? Will we be going to Madame Tussauds or will I be in the dungeon?

London Dungeon. It's probably a two for one ticket. You know, they do a very good deal now. It's five for one. Really? Five for one. Is that going to the Clinton Museum? Has it never been there? I think it's the Sea Life Aquarium to Swords, the London Eye

The London Dungeon And something really shit Just go to the Iron As long as it's a clear day Anyway, Nigel continues She has a sadistic sense of fun Which turns me on Although she locks me in chastity

I assume he means chastity belt Yet, says Nigel She is also a really caring and nurturing person Well, it's because she's worked out all of her non-caring and nurturing traits at work Yeah, she knows how to nurture her housework through free assistance

She is my new idol I suppose that's how she gets people, isn't it? Draws you in with a business plan then suddenly you take her to Madame Tussauds I feel lucky to be able to serve her in this position that I find myself That you're paying for? Not clear If she's giving it to you for free and you want it I feel lucky to be able to serve her in this position that I find myself. That you're paying for?

Not clear. If she's giving it to you for free and you want it, then yeah, you are lucky. If you're paying for it, then that just seems like the nature of the transaction, doesn't it? Who's paying for the tickets to the days out? So many questions. I mean, it's a detailed email, but there's so many questions. Yeah. However, he says, I am in my early 30s.

Well, that kind of does everything. Yeah, absolutely. However, he says, I am in my early 30s Well that kind of does everything I have a reasonably successful career Working in the public sector In a very traditional and respected profession Not a politician then I go to the gym five times a week So I'm in good shape And I can attract women Oh, you've got it all going for you

You've got the skill set Helen, answer me this Am I nuts? Not sure that's relevant. I think that's a very polite way to deal with that question. Thanks. Should I feel guilty? What's he feeling guilty about? I don't know. Is it that the days out feel

relationship-y, whereas the dominatrix stuff feels like the professional sub-dom situation? No, I think this is good old bog-standard shame about his sexual proclivities although he's written into us about it but then he's a man of many contradictions he is really so he's not feeling guilty about their marriage if her partner lives with her in a house in which there's a dungeon i'd imagine he's fully aware of what she gets up to i think that's probably right

i mean he says just to clarify uh in a postscript uh there is no sex between us that'll be because of the chastity belt, I would imagine. And also, that is usually the way, isn't it, with the professional dominatrix situation? I've no idea. Is that really? I thought it always was kind of foreplay that went on for ages, but it still ultimately led to some kind of sex.

No? I think the lack of sex is part of it, Ollie. It's so much hornier, isn't it, when you definitely don't have sex. It's so much hornier when you get kicked in the nuts. Weird, I say say but also fine like you know happy to celebrate it if that's your thing yeah there is no sex between us she is monogamous with her partner i get let out of my cage on average every six weeks i think he means the chastity thing right you get the chastity thing comes off every six weeks normally she teases me with it on um it's just like oh you've got spots and i should add you run funnily

pigeon toad and i should add she is easily the best looking woman i've ever known there are a lot of non-sequiturs here going from the cage to the easily best looking woman i've ever known like what's the problem you got a woman doing her job yeah and you're having feelings that are completely irrelevant to that yeah that's the problem yes i agree i think actually the problem is in this uh relationship although he wouldn't call it that in this transaction although he might not be paying for it he feels emotion yeah and yet his role in the transaction is to suppress that yeah and to be in her hands well no he likes that but on reflection he's like but i've got all these emotions i haven't dealt with because i'm a man i think that's what's happening well not necessarily because he's a man

he's got all these emotions no because he's a because he's a person i mean because he's a real you know human being yeah because women can have those i wasn't suggesting they couldn't so he seems to be getting confused like she's just doing everything as normal except maybe the outings which does seem a bit weird but she hasn't if she's a professional and she's using you for free i wonder if she's abusing some sort of trade union code for domination so a contract often there's a contract anyway by the check the terms and conditions it's in the small print on the wall of your dungeon so she's maintaining monogamy she's doing her dominatrix job and you're feeling pleasure pain out of it so everything is it should be isn't it what's

the problem here the input and the output are exactly how they're supposed to be in this transaction the problem is there isn't an outlet for his emotions that's why he's giving them to us right he can't tell her that these things that he's feeling because that's not part of their relationship that's the point right okay well in that case maybe find another dominatrix where the you don't go on outings to madam two swords and the lines are a lot more drawn write her that's what a psychologist would say write her a letter you'd have to send it don't send it don't send it write her a letter and then get it all off your chest instead of sending it to us because we're not your dominatrix no and also we are the most pathetically dismally square people to ask this to i do i mean i i don't think i could be

dominated or dominant to an extreme degree obviously you'll be dominated by a cookbook but in in every sexual encounter i dare say there's you know someone who's in control someone who's slightly more passive arguably i don't think i could go to the extremity of that situation well people have different tastes don't they but the point is i think as soon as you're completely sublimating control you're in a rape fantasy situation if i'm the person doing that i'm thinking to myself well i'm a rapist then i don't find that a turn on even if the person i was doing it to wanted me to i think the idea in a lot of subdom situations is that it is actually the sub who has control so that it doesn't then become

but then the fantasy is relinquishing control i mean if you're going to do it properly like what they want and in fact it doesn't surprise me at all that you work in the public sector and you have a successful career and i mean that's the point isn't it people who do these quite conservative buttoned up lives yeah they need some outlet yeah with responsibility all the time actually i think very often that's why you're into it like you want you want someone else to make decisions for you and tell you that you're not important some people join village cricket teams you've done this a sense that he's not been in relationships from his tones like women i can attract women he doesn't say i've had girlfriends or i'm in a relationship or i've been in a relationship recently yeah so

it seems to me that what he really wants is a relationship with somebody where he can have a fulfilling emotional bond and then there's you know they can have this sort of subdom sex stuff yes so it's finding someone who's maybe not as extreme as being a dominant a dominant you know professional dominatrix but who is open enough that that's not something that would freak them out well listeners I don't know whether you can illuminate the dungeon. Of Nigel's brain. Yeah, because I think we're just all quite perplexed at what he actually needs from us. But if you have seen through his words... I think he wanted a lot of banter about the Sea Life Aquarium.

I think that's what he was after. We'll stop for the 541. That's really going to give me pleasure pain. But if you can see through Nigel's words to the emotional world within and uh well just someone who isn't as square as the three of us who actually can relate to what he's talking about someone who's aced this situation yeah and to be clear his question because we've talked a lot around it is should I feel guilty you know the answer that you know if you've been through that

yourself should he feel guilty let us know drop us a line the answer is obviously no isn't it if he gets off on feeling guilty then that that probably is an okay outcome. A requisite, yeah. Yeah, exactly. It's confusing. It's a very complex question. Indeed. But do send your questions, complex or otherwise, to the contact details on our website, answermethispodcast.com and I think it

is true to say that your questions are both our pleasure and our pain. And one day we'll take you all to the London Dungeon on a discount ticket. What a promise. Be like a flash flash mob uh now remember in the meantime to follow us on facebook facebook.com slash answer me this and twitter as well yes helen and ollie it's fun to engage with you online listeners and listen to our other projects as well helen the illusionist if you please and fucking brilliant and uh and also uh tech weekly the guardians tech weekly podcast i've been presenting it over the summer uh newsflash uh i'm going to continue

presenting it all year so i'm loving what happened next did they alternate you with a woman yes they did and it's gonna be great uh that's all happening you were literally clapping with glee when you were talking about that i'm'm very excited. I'm very excited to be doing Tech Weekly. So yes, I'm going to be presenting every other episode of Tech Weekly. So find it if you're interested in technology. Marvellous. Thanks.

I've just updated the Martin Sandman page on the Answer Me This website. Holy shit. You're kidding. It's really old. I haven't done it for you. Anyway, I've put some music for you when you were about 10 on there.

There's still a picture of me when I'm about 10. It's hairless then. There's some more recent stuff I've been doing. Was there still a picture of you riding a rocking horse at my parents' house? I left that one in. I got rid of the one when I'm about to get it. There's some more recent stuff. Was there still a picture of you riding a rocking horse at my parents house?

I left that one in. I got rid of the one where I was eating the massive mezzo because I looked young and I look really old now.

No you don't. And we'll be back in a fortnight with the next Answer Me This. Bye!