Answer Me This! - AMT325: Circus Music, Submersibles and Tom from MySpace

Episode Date: October 15, 2015

Today's questioneers face ruin: browser history ruining a surprise; other people ruining the choice of baby names; and ruining your own chances of shagging a houseguest. Don't ruin your own life by failing to listen to AMT325. Visit http://answermethispodcast.com/episode325 to discover more about it.Send questions to [e-mail], or the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis)Tweet us http://twitter.com/helenandollyBe our Facebook friend at http://facebook.com/answermethisSubscribe on iTunes http://iTunes.com/AnswerMeThisBuy old episodes and albums at http://answermethisstore.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Toyota, for what matters most. David Baddiel. Has to be this. Has to be this. Helen and Ollie. Has to be this. Having kicked off last episode with a question from Holly, who was already excited about her trip to Disney World, which isn't happening for another five months. Don't peak too early, Holly. This episode, it's Steve who has a dilemma regarding his 2016 travel plans. Really?

Guys, live for the moment yeah why can't you have these dilemmas in 2016 exactly uh he says my wife has booked a trip away for my birthday next year presumably you're invited as well steve but he says she is not telling me where a surprise trip a surprise trip high risk i have no issue with her doing this as I had done the same the previous year for her birthday. So either she enjoyed it so much she's replicating it or revenge. She booked it whilst I was away but using my computer. She cleared the history. I hope you did as well Steve. But I am now getting a lot of adverts appearing on my Facebook for hotels in Krakow. Oh, fancy that.

That's very specific, isn't it? Bloody internet. How does it know? And also, why is it advertising my own sofa at me months after I bought it? And so, says Steve, I am 99% sure it is Krakow to which we are going. Unless this is a very elaborate way to put you off the scent. Oh, that's smart, isn't it? Maybe this happened last year with her birthday surprise.

So she knows that this is a possibility in her Facebook sidebar. And so she's using it to turn the tables. Although then surely you'd go for a joke destination that is horrible rather than a nice one in Poland. So Helen, answer me this, says, you'd go for a joke destination that is horrible rather than a nice one in poland so helen answer me this says steve do i pretend i don't know anything about this as she is enjoying me not knowing or should i be honest and tell her that i guessed the destination do you want to go there because if you don't then you should tell her in the hopes that it would cause her to change the

plan if you're happy i would just carry on with the situation but i suppose he's worried that uh when she's like surprised he's like yeah that he hasn't got the acting chops well it's funny because i'm split on this because i think actually definitely he should not tell her he should pretend right he should pretend that he's not guessed it that he's not rumbled it the computer hasn't told him because she's taking pleasure in in it being a surprise but i'd probably tell my girlfriend if she'd done this for me i don't think i'd be able to hold it in i'm unfortunately i'm not a good enough person to be able to play along with the lie i'd have to tell her because i have to be a clever dick and be like i know where it is because you didn't turn off the

cookies on tripadvisor and now it's on Facebook. You safe search woman, do you know nothing? Do you ever look at pornography like I do? But I think it would be better to not tell her. But Steve also has to be careful if he does keep up the pretense not to go overboard by being like, Oh my God, Krakow! I never thought I'd see the day Krakow for a heavenly paradise! That's the issue. Like either not being enthusiastic enough or being too enthusiastic.

But the thing is, whilst you're right that, yes, he doesn't want to be a bad liar at that point, he could fess up at that point, couldn't he? At the point she says, we're going to Krakow, here you go. He could say, yeah, I did kind of guess, but thanks so much. It's great. Slightly, you know, pricking a pin into her balloon of hope and expectation at that point but not for the months preceding it she's enjoying it

at the moment you're a good enough liar to pretend you don't you haven't seen a banner advertising car hire it probably does behoove him to keep quiet because she gets to enjoy it and if she is misdirecting him, then he'll still have a surprise at the end. That's true, yes. And also, it won't be your fault, Steve. At the moment, she's booking the holiday. There may still be decisions left to make,

which might be why the cookies are selling ads at you. She may not have hired the car yet. She may not have chosen all the restaurants. Now, you know, if you're involved at this stage and you've worked out where it is, then suddenly it'll become a communal decision. And then if you restaurants. Now, you know, if you're involved at this stage and you've worked out where it is, then suddenly it'll become a communal decision. And then if you go there and, you know, the travel lodge in Krakow is not particularly nice,

that will be your fault as much as it is hers. This way, you get her to seemingly enjoy it, even though you know the truth and you've known all along. And then when it turns out not to be very good, she gets all the guilt. Yay! Perfect. The best present.

You've got a lovely surprise for our listeners, Ollie, haven't you? I'm going to be a dad. Shit! Yep. Who's the lucky lady? Katie Hopkins. Oh, congrats! Yes, no, my girlfriend is due to give birth

to my child mid-January 2016. Congratulations. Thank you very much. Finally, you've lost your virginity. Yeah, exactly. That was it. Don't answer that. And so there will be a man child. It's a boy.

It's a boy. It's going to be a boy. He's a boy. He's a boy. He's a man boy. Well, I don't want to judge. You know, it's 21st century. If he chooses to become a girl later, that's fine.

Right. Currently. Currently a boy. He's physically presenting as a boy correct what if your child doesn't like disney it's like dad this is just over branded corporate shit that would kill me yes i suppose all you know is that you're going to be surprised and as long as you're prepared for the unpreparable then it's fine that's quite good advice actually what most people have been saying to me is like oh your life's gonna change oh really it's like well first there's gonna be someone in the spare room yeah

exactly i'm aware of that cat's gonna be the one who's most furious well she is actually she's been banned from the spare room for uh the last four months already really not happy about it training yeah basically and also there's gonna be someone competing for your attention yeah not for the cat food though i'm guessing that's true what if the baby learns to shit in her litter box that would be brilliant for you what if the cat learns to draw breast milk i don't know all of these are possibilities i think there are probably more steps in between the cat and the breast milk this is uncharted territory but anyways it's terribly exciting and um you know i don't want to uh be one of these people that now I'm going to become a dad relates everything on the show back to this. So I don't want to linger on it.

You don't know what love is until you're a parent. Exactly. So you two childless people recording with me, you don't know. You don't have feelings. I'll try not to do that. Yeah, good. And listeners. I'm firing you if you do. Listeners, thank you in advance for all of your congratulatory messages.

And presents. Presents and money that you're sending in the post. Well, Becky from Snodland in Kent, Ollie, is also expecting a baby. Snodland? your congratulatory messages and presents and money that you're sending in the post uh well uh becky from snodland in kent ollie is also expecting a baby snodland the land of snod becky says i am 34 weeks pregnant with my first baby a little girl oh you have to steal my limelight don't you becky says my husband and i oh you're married too are you unlike me i'm gonna have a bastard child thanks bastard man bastard man is a lovely name for a boy. Is it lovely though, Martin, is it?

My husband and I chose her name years before we even got married. Good Lord, how did that conversation come up? Like, second date. So what are we going to call our child? Well, actually, we've had playful conversations. They're not the same as the... Like, I bet you're not planning on having kids. I bet you've had conversations about what you might name a child, playfully.

It's come up playfully for us, but now we're actually having the chance of a completely different level of conversation. I bet, I bet you're not planning on having kids. I bet you've had conversations about what you might name a child, playfully. It's come up playfully for us, but now we're actually having the chance of a completely different level of conversation. I bet, I bet. It's a big conversation. Yeah. And you didn't even get to name your cat because she came to you pre-named.

So you haven't had that starter naming process. That's right, yeah. So my husband and I chose her name years before we even got married, let alone actually began trying to conceive. However, since finding out the sex at 20 weeks and being asked if we have a name we've received nothing but bad feedback about it don't tell anyone don't tell anyone why you so i know the name that we're thinking of for my son do you have a top five or just one we've

been using an app actually and we've been going through the list of so you can look at the top 500 names right in britain america and australia we've looked at okay you can also add in suggestions as you think of them right so we now have on that app a list of 10 that we like okay and then you can prioritize them by drag and drop how 21st century is this very good so we have our top two that we're thinking of seriously and is it a shared app so that if you have a change of heart about what's going to be the third best name you can change it and it will update on your girlfriend's phone? No, Mum has control of the app.

Of course she does. Every suggestion goes through Mum. There are a few names that I'd have been keen on that haven't even made it onto the list. All of the good Jewish names. Little Schmooly. Moishe, I really wanted. It does go very well with man.

It does, actually. Moishe, yeah, that's a nice name. That's the problem with man, is you've got to think of anything That doesn't sound like A. A shit superhero Oh that's the pleasure of it Or B. Overly gendered

Because man Obviously quite a strong signal Beefcake man Might be a bit more Exactly yeah No one calls their child Spider or something do they The problem is

If it even rhymes with bat though Then you think No no no no no no Or Matt man for example Or That also rhymes with scat So you think no no no no no no or man for example that also rhymes with scat so you're thinking ski well obviously scatman was my first choice of name that one never made it onto the app that's a good name anyway point is becky don't tell anyone the names that's that's my view yes no i i fully agree this happened to me as well uh when my brother andy's first child

was born a daughter her name had she been a boy would have been horace and i was like thank god she's not a boy that's that's a bad name two years later horace was born came along yeah and and still now they're like you've come around to it haven't you i haven't no but i should never have said you can never insult anyone's name in any way she says some people have been really quite rude including my own parents the only people who seem keen on the name, apart from myself and my husband, are my in-laws. Anyway, do you want to know what Becky's name is? I suppose I'd better.

Is this going to be incredibly outlandish? Her name will be Aoife. Oh, that's OK. That's just a pretty pleasant standard Irish name. Yeah, it's nice. A nice Irish name, which is spelled A-O-I-F-E. Yeah, well, I mean, that's the problem with it. Four out of five vowels in a short name. If you're giving birth to an Irish-named child

in a country outside of Ireland, you're going to have to expect that the natives are going to be like, that's spelt what now? Because it is pretty funky. But I think Aoife is easier than a lot of the ones where the consonants are a very different pronunciation to what we're used to over here. See our pun.

Nym. Everyone has been saying it's needlessly fussy spelling and weird as we don't live in Ireland. I've also been told by multiple people I'm being cruel as no one will be able to spell or pronounce her name properly. That is the case now for like 80% of children in nursery. Exactly. And she will have to go through life correcting people.

But also it's going through life telling people how to spell your name that's made you the pedant you are, isn't it, Helen? I hate saying my own name, actually. Really? Like, when I have to introduce myself on The Illusionist. I'm talking about The Zaltzman, not The Helen. I hate saying the whole thing. Why?

Because I'm probably sick of having to spell it every time. And even when I spell it out to people, they convert the Zs to an S. Yeah. What is it? Annie Saltzeller? Yeah. So, I disagree that you're being particularly crueler than most other people.

That is a nice name, Aoife. But also there are lots of names that are very common that have loads of different spellings. So if you're called something like Lindsay or Alistair or Kieran or even Ian, people will inevitably give you the wrong spelling just because there are several spellings of those perfectly normal names. Well, Ollie is one touch. Yes.

O-double-L-Y and everyone emails in with something else. Yeah, what's that about? I get Helen with two L's. Who has ever been called that? I've never in real life met anyone called Helen with two L's, ever. Nor have I.

Not at Helen Club. Becky explains this choice. She says, my husband's background is Irish and we want our daughter to learn about her heritage and have a connection to it through her name.

Better name than potato. I never expected this type of feedback, says Becky, and now it's got me worried that I'm some sort of selfish terrible mother oh god this starts before the baby's even out yeah you've got hormones to come that will kick in and make you feel that way later you've got a lifetime of strangers making you feel shit about everything when they don't know anything anyway ollie answer me this in your, do you think we should keep our original choice,

spelling and all, or should we change the spelling to something more phonetic? No, don't do that. What is going to be more phonetic than that, actually? E-E-F-A. But then no one's going to believe it. And they'll look like a football acronym. Yeah.

Or should we change it entirely? No, no, no. I'd really rather... What's a John? Yeah, but still. H, no H. Double N. Yeah. I'd really rather... What's a John? Yeah, but still, H, no H, double N. I'd really rather not change it entirely

as I feel we've bonded with her with this name already. All I will say is I think you are going to be told by other people, as Helen suggested a moment ago, about almost every aspect of bringing up this child when it comes. They're going to advise you whether you invite that advice or not. And some of that advice is going to be useful and some of it isn't most of it is going to be hurtful and annoying most of it when you boil it down is ignore everyone else's

advice because i know and i'm right and do this yeah even though i've just met you on the bus and when those people come along you're going to have to contextualize that by first listening to your own heart even though you might be listening to what they're saying too and you have to have the confidence that you might be right on that yeah you know you wouldn't focus group your new sofa so why are you focus grouping the name of your daughter absolutely you are into it anyone you love it go with it i think so i think it's a nice name i don't think there's any problem with it i think also it's not that uncommon in britain now i've met a couple of ethers in my my life plenty yeah the Irish names are not unknown here

tell you what though Ollie I feel absolute confidence that you were going to nail your child's name or don't say that I don't know why I just feel like

of all the decisions that you make you're going to do a really good job with this one why? based on what? I don't know

because I think most of your decisions are awful of course so now you're going to have to pretend that it's a great name even if you don't feel that way

what just so that I'm right? yeah I think there'll be something more important at stake here even than me being right right Awful, of course. So now you're going to have to pretend that it's a great name, even if you don't feel that way. What, just so that I'm right? Yeah. I think there'll be something more important at stake here, even than me being right. Right. I've got a question. Email your question.

To answer me. This podcast at googlemail.com. Answer me. This podcast at googlemail.com. Answer me. This podcast at Googlemail.com And submit this podcast to Googlemail.com And submit this podcast to Googlemail.com So retrospectives, what historical events are we ticking off on this week's round of Today in History? On Monday, we bring you the real story of the mutiny on the bounty. On Tuesday, the anniversary of the day somebody invented the meatball, but who?

On Wednesday, the iconic British car that ripped off an iconic American car. On Thursday, how American airlines invented air miles. And on Friday, the UFO sighting that gripped colonial America. We discuss this and more on Today in History with The Retrospectors. Ten minutes each weekday, wherever you get your podcasts. Here's a question from Carly, who says, Ollie, answer me this. What was the first iPhone app, aside from the compulsory apps

that come on our phones when we buy them? Yeah, I mean, those kind of things, like mail and... Podcasts. Notes. Stocks. I have a folder I think most Apple users do. I have an Android... A fuck off folder.

Yeah. I have an Android phone, but I have an iPad. And on my iPad, I have a folder which will be recognisable to most Apple users. I've called it shit I don't need. Yep. And weather and stocks are both in there. Maps was there for a long time because Google Maps was widely deemed to be better. Yes.

Maps has redeemed itself in my eyes. I've tried it a few times where it's been more accurate than Google Maps. It came up my shit folder. So I suppose in a way, Apple making it non-deletable has saved it in the end. Maybe one day we'll listen back and laugh at the day when we were not into the stocks app. You can answer me this is publicly traded. Absolutely. So anyway, those apps that you call so-called compulsory apps,

those weren't really thought of as apps at all in 2007 when the iphone was launched those were just kind of programs i guess like an app is a program an app is a program it's an application but i don't think the public knew the word apps at that point no well public hadn't really had a go on an iphone public just had to get used to the idea of oh so it's an ipod and a phone in one thing that's it just that was revolutionary genuinely and the fact that they put safari on it was extraordinary so uh in 2008 which is when the app store launched on the iphone there were actually 500 apps at that launch date which seems like a piddly amount now there's the you know millions but 500 so it's actually quite hard to answer the question what was the first because there wasn't a first there were 500 that were all

submitted all at once the general public so i'm going to answer the question, what was the first? Because there wasn't a first. There were 500 that were all submitted all at once to the general public. So I'm going to answer this question by saying that the first, even though it wasn't really, but the first that got public attention out of those 500 apps that became available in 2008 was eBay. And the reason I'm saying that is because, you know Apple do that whooping press conference where all the geeks get really excited and they cheer

when people come on and show screen grabs. Well, now they don't. Now they're like, oh, this isn't revolutionizing technology. Oh, rubbish. Where's Chris Martin? Where are my canapes? That, at that thing, WWDC,

eBay was the one they demonstrated to show what an app would be. Steve Jobs came on and he was like, I'm God. Here's a new shiny thing we've created this new thing it's called third party apps you're gonna fucking cream yourself here's someone here's someone directly basically this uh i'm a bit hot now because i'm wearing a turtleneck here's a guy from ebay but i'm used to that because i live in california and i always

wear a turtleneck here's a guy from ebay to show you what a third-party app on the app store is gonna look like and the demo the live demo they did at wdc in 2008 was of ebay so although all 500 came online at once and there was things like evernote was in there there were a couple of sega games were in there myspace was in there the new york times uh so there were a couple of names that we know ebay was the one that they demonstrated and got press for so i'm going to say eBay was the first I don't know who actually technically submitted the first third-party app to Apple but eBay was the one they first promoted

They probably reached out to developers didn't they to get that there's 500 in place Like with the watch I mean you'd be mad to design stuff for a watch that didn't exist yet you'd have to wait for Apple to come to you and say hey guys we really like your podcast you should do an answer me this app for our Apple watch hey why didn't that happen i i can think

of so many reasons already i can't even choose when people are jogging what they need is motivation of looking at us and think no i will exercise point is tetris and snake those were basically apps and we all had those 10 years before we knew what an app was. Yes. I had a pedometer in my eco phone. Exactly, yeah. So what do you call an app?

I mean, actually, looking at it now, all of those were early apps. I've never been able to have a Samsung phone since I got an upgrade in about 2005 and the phone came

with a menstrual diary. I sent it back. What was that? Did it have a funny name? Like a woody? It was like Samsung's lady phone so it was coarse pink and the buttons were tiny for ladies fingers wow but it's interesting you

mentioned that there was a controversy recently because apple didn't include menstrual cycle apps as part of its health package really so actually people were saying the opposite they were saying why aren't you including uh health apps that are the most relevant health thing to women as part of an essential tracking device? Yeah, but that's because now you expect your phone to know more than you do. So it knows your heart rate, so why does it know about your ovaries?

Yeah, whereas back then, you had to remember all of your things and your phone would just make phone calls and do texts if you were lucky. Here's another question of tech from Simon in Bolton, who says, you know that Tom off of Myspace? He was my first friend. The guy who was everyone's first friend.

I thought I was special! Helen asked me this, what is he up to these days? Does he have a Twitter or Facebook account? Yes. Do you think he made enough money from Myspace that he never needs to work again? Yes. He made $580 million. Yes, I think that should cover it.

That's all right. Or will he eventually need a proper job? Unless he has been very imprudent with his finances. He sort of invented Facebook before Facebook, didn't he? That's got to be worth something. Yeah, well, in answer to your second question, Simon, he has not only a Twitter account with 234,000 followers at time of recording and a Facebook page with 1.45 million followers he also

has 174 000 followers on instagram and six and a half million on google plus is he on myspace anymore is the big question yes he is but he hasn't posted since 2013 but he is myspace tom on all of the other social networks and he's still using the same profile picture that you used to get when he was your first myspace friend so i think it shows he has a sense of humor about these things especially as he essentially retired at 35 with 580 million dollars before everyone said that myspace was shit yes he probably has a sense of humor consultant whom he's paying to monitor these accounts for him actually what he seems to do he has some business interests like he'll be um an advisor on various tech things i think he did property for a bit but mainly what he seems to do is go around the world and take photos of exotic locations so you look at

his instagram feed you're like god he lives the life but also they do seem to be quite heavily filtered photos so all of them look like a poster waiting for a unicorn to appear in the foreground. Well, that's the problem with Instagram though, isn't it? Everyone's Instagram photos look like they live the life. And then you create the impression that everyone is living a better life than they are. And then people possibly get depressed because they think that their real life

can't match up to the life they perceive others around them have. Yeah, but our life can't match up to Tom's with his adventures in Icelandic ice caves and stuff like that. That is cool. What about all my pictures of eggs? Do you think there was an opportunity for MySpace

to have continued to be MySpace, if you see what I mean? Yes, I think if it had kept up the music angle that it began with, then yes, I think that function would still be quite useful now. So function being what exactly? A directory for every band that exists, whether they are a big band or a little band. Well, like Glenn Miller. Oh, dearly.

And I'm like, there's a Myspace just for big bands and marching bands. It's easy to take the piss out of it because it became terrible, but yeah, it was brilliant when you started. It was really social. It was brilliant in 2007 when we were trying to get listeners to this podcast,

we went and trolled for teenagers. Yeah. Brilliant. What I didn't know is that Myspace began in order to be different to friendster because friendster insisted on using a real identity so in a way it was a it was a head over 500 of social networks it was ahead of its time though because then facebook popped up doing that and took off but we're going to go back in time now to early 2009 to episode 87 and i think it's one of the trademark martin moments and i can remember

the exact cadence of his tone as he was saying this even though i forget pretty much everything that's ever been in this podcast this is the thing that has stuck in my mind for all this time and will remain forever young i'm looking forward to this and you can buy episode 87 and all of our first 200 episodes. And our apps, talking of apps. At AnswerMeThisStore.com. Martin, what was your first job? I had a job at a company called Tiggy's Stainless Fasteners, which...

Is that how you start to the phone? Yeah, that's exactly how you start. Say it again, say it again. No, no, I want to try one more time. Right, ring, ring, ring, ring. Hello, Tiggy's Stainless Fasteners. Hello, I'm interested in some stainless fasteners. Do you know what stainless fasteners...

Yes, I love them. I want 100. Tell me, will they stain? And if they stain, how do I get the stains out? Listeners, we love it when you call in with your questions and the number to dial is this. 0208 123 5807 Love it when you call in with your questions and the number to dial is this. Or you can Skype answer me this. Hi, Helen and Ollie. It's Jen from Cardiff.

My question is about circus music. How come that tune that we all know to be representative of various circus activities came to be known as such? Now, the one I'm on about is the one that goes... You know the one. I presume through use in the circus. I'm just going out there on a limb. Once it's in, it's in.

It's like that church bells question we had in a recent episode once one church is doing it you don't want to be the only church left out but how did it come to be in the circus helen well ollie uh the journey of this piece of music started in 1897 when it was composed by the czech composer julius futchik as a military march known yep known as the entry or entrance of the gladiators. Who I imagine lost that particular war. Clowns are scary. So a lot of people would have run away and fled faced with an army of clowns. Yeah, that is hilarious though, isn't it?

I mean, you imagine an army entry. I mean, if now, even at the Royal Military Tattoo, even on the basis of doing it for the sake of a performance, not even to enter the battlefield, laughter would ensue from the audience, would it not, if they came in playing that? Yeah, but maybe you wouldn't necessarily know because it was a bit slower.

So in 1910, the Canadian composer Louis-Philippe Lorando rearranged it and called it Thunder and Blazes and then sold it all across North America to be used in fairgrounds and as a screamer march which is what they called the kind of walk-in hype music for circuses because military uh songs were actually favored for that because they were very rhythmic and you could speed them up so that's what he did with this to make it much more like rowdy to get people in the mood and also making elephants dance it's very patriotic and i guess as well you needed instruments that were capable of getting the sound across a loud circus tent.

And so violins not going to cut it, but a brass band would. So maybe there's that similarity with the military as well. What's that instrument called that goes like whoop in the circus? A swanny whistle. Not the whoop. No, that's the other one. It's, it's, I can't do it any better than... Is that an instrument?

Yeah. Sounds like a dog. No. What's it look like? I don't know. That's what I'm asking you. There's the one you hold above your head and you turn around and it goes... The rattle.

Right. And then there's the... Which you just did, right. And then there's also the... Which I just did, but I don't know. Is that like a honky horn? Yeah. Like an old-fashioned car?

The clown comes in, the noise goes off. I don't know how it's caused. That was the nature of my question. No, it's not wah-wah. It's another one. Anyway, point is, it's not something that's traditionally in an orchestra, is it?

Well, those are more sound effects, aren't they? Yes. Than soundtrack. You see the difference. But again, just the arrangement is crucial, isn't it? If the army came in playing that, difficult to take them seriously. I mean, there must be a lot of things that the military do

that would come as a surprise to the casual observer. But maybe it's a real bundle of laughs when you're there. Well, in a massive tonal shift, here is this question from Henry from Halifax, who says, I moved out of my parents' house this time last year, and since moving, I've got to know my neighbours relatively well, particularly an old couple who live next door but one.

Sadly, the husband has been admitted to a hospice as he's suffering from cancer and has a matter of days, weeks at most, to live. Obviously when he passes, I'm going to give a sympathy card to his wife. Not a congratulations balloon then. But, Ollie, answer me this. Is it inappropriate to do the sensible thing and buy a card in

anticipation of his death when I next go shopping? Or, should I do the more moral thing and wait until he has died to make a specific visit to the shop what's morality got to do with it there because it's not like you're buying the card will make him die it's bad taste to buy a card for someone that says sorry they've died when that person is still alive morality might not be the right word for it but I can see the issue I can also see that some people would feel superstitious. If you bought the card and then that day you'd found out that he died,

you'd feel pretty bad about it. I mean, you're going to feel bad about it anyway because this guy's going to die. You can't buy a card for someone that says with deepest sympathy before they're dead. However, what I would do to make yourself feel better about it and yet nonetheless actually buy the card before he's dead for your convenience

is buy a selection. A selection of blank cards with no pre-printed message. I have a full selection of cards with messages at home and without. So I've got a big shoebox. What I do is when I see a card that I like, I buy it. Yes, of course. It might be a get well soon. It might be a congratulations.

It might be a sorry he's dead. And I buy them all, stack them up. And then when I need one, I'll have a sympathy card ready to go. That doesn't feel bad at all because it's been in my cupboard for two years it wasn't in anticipation of that particular person's death indeed it's not for a specific person the other option is you could write his widow a letter on paper that doesn't have any kind of sympathy message on and i think you can buy that pad of paper before a pad of nice yes a pad of nice paper rarely goes wrong it's a shame in a way isn't it, that for someone who's experiencing a lung disease and who's

at a hospice that you don't have the equivalent for like a work leaving card where all the friends can get together and say, you know this is what we loved about you. Yeah. This is what we'll miss. Yeah. Sorry you're leaving. Sorry you're leaving. Yeah. I would love to be able to hear the speeches at my funeral. I don't actually want

a funeral, but I would love living to know what people were going to say. I'd just slag you off. Well, you're not speaking at it. You don't get any choice. Yeah, that's the problem. Helen and Ollie, answer me this I don't want you to dance or kiss

But reveal your theories And take off your muzzle Ponder my query And solve this puzzle It's swell, good golly You crazy kids Oh, Helen and Ollie Answer me this

Listeners, presumably by this point of the show you're thinking i enjoy listening to these people otherwise you would have stopped by now so maybe you'd enjoy listening to us on some of our other projects yeah but only when this episode's finished yeah not at the same time that would be chaos i know the world we live in now you can multitask so you could you could be googling the other things we're discussing lining them up whilst listening to this okay what should people line up if they need more ollie man in their lives if they need ollie man in their lives uh to a greater extent than they already do there is actually an exciting project coming down the pipe but it's it's it's he's ready uh the project similarly is uh connected to an umbilical cord of my brain

at the moment so i can't think about it just yet that's not where an umbilical cord of my brain at the moment So I can't think about it just yet That's not what an umbilical cord is, Ollie But you can right now download the Guardian's Tech Weekly podcast Which I co-present Not like this with the other person But on alternate weeks Right, they can't have you in the same room, can they?

We can't be in the same room God knows what would happen Why can't we alternate? Such a different show Yeah In a recent episode of that I went to Silicon Valley to interview Mike Krieger who is the co-founder of Instagram. We had a nice chat. And what else have

you been up to? Also I present a show called The Media Podcast which is probably only of interest to you if you work in the media industry but you should probably listen to it if you do. It's a fortnightly discussion show about telly and radio and print. And I'm making The Illusionist which is about language and at the moment it is weekly. And it's short as well. It's short fortnightly discussion show about telly and radio and print. And I'm making The Illusionist, which is about language. And at the moment, it is weekly. And it's short as well. It's short, so you can pack in all of them in a really bad traffic jam. Or if you just want a little espresso burst of Helen in the morning.

Yeah, theillusionist.org. And Martin's got some podcasts as well. You should listen to Song by Song. Is that actually Tom Waits' one? The Tom Waits' one. How's that going? Yeah, good. We've had the first season.

It's dropped. That's about his first album closing time We'll be doing the second album very soon So tune in for that You don't have to be an expert on Tom Waits That's what you're there for Yeah, we're your guide What if, like me, you get Tom Waits a bit confused in your head with Tom Petty? If you're that stupid about Tom Waits

Is there still something to that? I think by the time you've listened to the podcast covering all 16 albums You'll be okay Okay Are you then going to do Tom Petty, song by song? Yeah, we'll think about it. We'll think about it. I was doing the podcast called The Sound of the Ladies, which is the name that I produce music under.

And there's a new song every month on that. And you also do that show where you pretend to be a serious academic, don't you? What's that one called? That's called The Global Lab. So that's where I talk about my work, which is in cities. And we interview all kinds of cool people talking about cities. But what we're trying to say is, listeners, that if you like us in this show,

there's a pretty good chance you'll enjoy some of our other audio projects and we would really love it if you check them out, if you haven't already. Here's a question from Jennifer in Cheshire, who says, I've been watching a nature documentary

about deep sea submersibles. Would you call that a nature documentary? They're not natural things, are they? Not naturally occurring. I see what she's saying, though, because it's probably a show on Discovery, and what they do on Discovery is they like to mix together those kind of James Cameron-type obsessions,

how it's made. Yeah, Terminator with wildebeest. With wildebeest. So it'll be like, let's find an octopus that only lives at the bottom of the sea, but whilst we're there, let's show you the inside of the submarine that's letting us film it.

Actually, I'd watch that, so I'm not criticising you, Jennifer. I just wonder if you'd call it a nature documentary or just documentary. I'll amend it then I've been watching a documentary about deep sea submersibles With nature in it Sounds like a nature documentary to me Jennifer I don't know why you didn't just say so

Damn Can never please him Answer me this Ollie If you're down in a deep sea submersible for nine hours How do you go to the loo? Through your penis What if you don't have a penis like women don't?

Well then it is quite difficult You're telling me It's a constant nightmare being a woman your penis what if you don't have a penis like women don't well then it is quite difficult um telling me it's a constant nightmare being a woman i can't speak for every deep sea submersible but i've read an article uh which was an interview with someone who goes down regularly in a deep sea submersible is it james cameron uh no who has managed to sublimate his need to do basic bodily functions no it was it was a zoologist who who makes a career of being into mercimals and how their kidneys doing didn't go into that oh but it did say what's the seating arrangement how does it work seating arrangement um coy he i didn't really get this but he said

maybe it's an american reference maybe americans will understand more he said imagine it's like a stadium bench that you're lying down on that's what he said it's like and so there's one of you facing one way looking out the binoculars whatever they are and then the other way there's two people with their back against you facing the other side they've got more leg room but they're sitting next to each other and i don't know that's the that's the layout apparently and so i can't quite picture it sounds like twisted no it's hard for me to picture too there was no diagram there wasn't but basically three people on top of each other essentially and what he was saying when asked the question how do you go to the bathroom was well you there is no modesty down

there um the other people are facing the other direction technically but there's only room for one person to stand up at a time yeah so at the point you're standing up uh if you're a man your penis is level with the back of the other people's heads yeah and you're kind of leaning over them so it is awkward um but he said you just get used to it and what you do is you take down and this is where the women question comes in because obviously they can't be seen to discriminate they have to give facilities to women as well as men they take down what they call an h-e-r-e bottle a human endurance range extender which basically means piss bottle yeah um and it's a red bottle with a long neck and for women they get a special attachment so that they can urinate standing upright because there's no room to squat yeah

like a shiwi oh so that's how they do it's a bottle that you definitely don't confuse with your water bottle because it's red ideally no and you have to do it standing up whether you're a man or a woman and you have to do it basically over someone else's head that's how what if you get the runs i know if you were in the submersible with james cameron maybe you'd hold it in because you made it through Titanic without going. And that was like nine hours long too. I think he'd know how to keep a 10 hour journey entertaining. Arid.

Yeah. Just tell you the plot of his two most recent films. You know, when there were the Greenpeace protesters who climbed the shard. Yeah. I was wondering how they did it. Wondering whether they wore adult nappies or something. Because when you're climbing the shard all day, there were not bathroom facilities.

No. Well, there are on every floor. i don't think they were allowed in right i think that was part of the exercise sure it wasn't organized with the corporate entity behind the shard and also was the shard open then i'm not sure whether it was finished no i don't mean what it still looks unfinished but that was renzo piano's plan yeah and being catheterized presumably would be pretty difficult if you're climbing i think think if you're a Greenpeace campaigner, you're someone who's pissed your pants a lot in your life. I've got too much money! I've got too much money! Buy an aunt's me this satchel, or

an aunt's me this apron. I've still got too much money! I've still got too much money! Buy an aunt's me this mug, or an aunt's me this yellow t-shirt. I do not like yellow! I don't think good is yellow! They're all so faithful in in red and white and black Where can I get these things from? Where can I get these things from?

From cafepress.com Slash answer me this I've got too much money I've got, oh no I haven't anymore Because although the items were very reasonably priced The import duty was cripplingly expensive But no matter, it was still worth it because I'm a fly

mofo. Here's a question from Bjorn from Stockholm who says a friend of mine is coming to Stockholm in a few weeks and is staying at my place for one night. She's not coming to visit me in particular but needed a place to stay. He says we get along very well. She once

lent me her apartment that she wasn't living in at the time when I needed a place to stay. He says, we get along very well. She once lent me her apartment that she wasn't living in at the time when I needed a place to stay in her town. However, we are not really very close friends and we rarely see each other. Sure. I live in a flat without a spare bedroom. I share the flat with a friend.

The living room is actually his room. Oh. So there is no couch that I can offer. Ah. Okay, so he lives in a one-bedroom flat. Right, with a friend. He has someone living in the living room is actually his room oh so there is no couch that i can offer okay so he lives in a one-bedroom flat right with someone living in the living room right i do have a spare mattress though right and there is room for it on the floor of my bedroom however i also have a really wide bed 180 centimeters oh it's so. Which is obviously much more comfortable. I've been thinking about you.

Seeing that the bed is so large, continues Björn, justifying his own terrible thoughts, we could easily both sleep in it without even touching. Were it not for my two metre long penis. So, Helen, answer me this should i give her the choice to either sleep in my bed or on the mattress yes or will that come across as if i'm trying to pull something off no i think it will come across as you giving her the choice unless you do it in a really sleazy way right well would you like the mattress on the floor

or would you prefer something more comfortable in my bed like if you present them as equal options yeah determined by her preference for comfort or solitude he says uh if she ends up sleeping on the mattress in the same room as me while i occupy my ridiculously oversized bed i'll feel a bit selfish well you could say you have the bed and i'll take the floor. Yeah, that to me is the obvious thing. So he says, Helen, answer me this. How do I give her this choice without making it awfully awkward? I don't really see the problem at the moment with just saying to her that these are the two options.

Which does she prefer? Well, I think the problem is his motivation. I see, OK. Because he finishes the email, he signs off in a way that directs this whole thing in a particularly nefarious place. Is this like an M. Night Shyamalan twist? Make you reinterpret the preceding material? He says in a way that I see as peculiarly Swedish.

A detail that might be relevant is that she has a partner. Oh. But their relationship seems to be fairly open and I know that she's pretty liberal about these things in general. What things in what are you talking about? Mattresses. Yeah. Floor, bed floor bed she doesn't mind it's a mattress right sounds a bit like you think she's approached you to stay in your flat because there might be something going on there and i can't

judge whether that's true or not it also sounds to me that he is interested in her being a bit liberal in his direction and therefore doesn't want to discount it by suggesting that they sleep in separate beds because otherwise i don't see that this is a problem. So how does he achieve his objective of being just sleazy enough that he's making that invitation but not so sleazy that she feels obliged or pressured? Sorry, I don't have a spare mattress.

So you can either sleep on my bare, cold, hard floor or you could come into the comfy bed. I think you can put the mattress in your room. If she's interested, she'll make her way over to the bed okay yes i think that's probably right although then you've got to make it obvious that you'd be at least amenable to that and how do you do that without seeming like you're overstepping the line of being a friend naked i'm just a bit hot tonight that's that could go wrong you've got to be a bit careful you've got to be very careful you know she's not on her own turf here and she's in this exactly at an acquaintance's house no okay so he sleeps on the

mattress on the floor she gets the double bed he doesn't offer it as a choice he says you're my guest and she goes i feel bad beyond yeah i've come to stay you're down on the floor but then that is up to her to them problem solved we don't want to help beyond to be predatory no but we want to help him get his end away since he's a listener to the show if that's on the cards if his interest hadn't crept in in the final paragraph of this email i might have thought that there could just be the problem that sometimes it's awkward sharing a room with a friend when i was living in a shared house a school friend of mine uh said he wanted to come and stay and our horrible housemate had already purloined the living room even though she had two rooms for her friend that was coming to stay so my friend had to sleep on my floor and he woke

up in the night screaming screaming screaming what did you do to him warn us about what was gonna happen yeah he's like i may make some noises in the night we're like okay and then we woke up to him go so i wouldn't necessarily recommend sharing a room with a friend if you do not have these intentions towards her just in case she wakes you up screaming okay yeah good tip i guess right well that brings us to the end of this episode of answer me this good questions i think this week listeners well done not a bad mix yeah uh to uh create a similarly diverse list of questions for next episode we need you to send us emails and also phone calls and skypes yes absolutely all of our contact details are on our website

answer me this podcast.com where you can also find links to follow us on twitter and facebook and if you dig a little deeper you can find links to all the podcasts we were talking about earlier and you can find blogs that helen's written if your question has not ended up on the podcast there is a chance that it's ended up in a written form on our website. Might be there. So we'll all meet back here in two weeks' time, right? Okay, yeah, deal. Fine. Great.

Put it in the Google Calendar. See you then. Bye! Bye!