Answer Me This! - AMT328: NaNoWriMo, Boxes of Chocolates and Snooping on Christmas Presents

Episode Date: November 26, 2015

How do you tell your mum that she is a STUPID WOMAN who is RUINING CHRISTMAS by buying you the WRONG GIFT? Plus other polite and classy problems compose AMT328. Find out more about the episode at http://amswermethispodcast.com/episode328. Send questions to [e-mail], or the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis)Tweet us http://twitter.com/helenandollyBe our Facebook friend at http://facebook.com/answermethisSubscribe on iTunes http://iTunes.com/AnswerMeThisBuy old episodes and albums at http://answermethisstore.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Are the Starbucks Red Cups a tribute to Lenin? Answer me this, answer me this Who's the best, Sir Ian Botham or McKellen? Answer me this, answer me this Helen and Ollie, answer me this Dum-da-dum-dum-da-dum, veggie wedding Bring on the beetroot, veggie wedding How's that going for you?

It's good, I've been singing it constantly since the last episode actually Top ten yet? And in fact we've got some feedback on our discussion of our friend Tommy and Ishbel's wedding. Veggie wedding.

Veggie wedding. Veggie wedding. From the last episode. It's from Poppy from Newborough in Fife who says I was one of the waitresses at Tommy and Ishbel's wedding.

Wow. It was a properly lovely day and absolutely one of the best we've ever done. It was top notch. All vegan is no problem at all.

In fact, the food looked utterly delicious and I wholeheartedly agree that the day should reflect the couple's lifestyle. The French dwelling vegetarian, that's Siobhan from the last episode, should just go 100% veggie and the guests can like it or lump it. If you lump vegetables together, you've got casserole, haven't you? Or mash. Or a salad. You can like it and lump it. If you lump vegetables together, you've got a casserole, haven't you? Or mash. Or a salad. You can like it and lump it.

Actually, why isn't there a like it or lump it button on social media? Yeah. Where's the lump it button? Lump it. There was all that controversy when Twitter introduced likes, but what we all want is lumps. Anyway, Poppy says, I'm working at a wedding fair today in Aberdeen,

and I've had an inquiry about a harry potter themed wedding oh helen asked me this is this normal it's not about whether it's normal is it people have whatever wedding they like i don't think normal weddings are the ones to avoid because tedious white cake seen that before white dress bullshit whose facebook photos are these was i there uh should we accept the booking or will we end up with a hall full of owls i mean that is a genuine concern i suppose i would have thought that people wouldn't hire owls in the same way as they would hire doves and release them out of a box because owls can fuck you up yeah killers yeah yeah so that would be quite interesting to see if you had a

protective helmet or something but you know if they had symbolic owls like a head wig to come and bring the rings or something i'm sure there would be an owl handler and it'd probably be too expensive to get a hall full of owls. But I think it all depends really on the money for this job, doesn't it? Food-wise, it would be quite an easy theme because you have to come up with the drinks, you have to come up with butterbeer and pumpkin juice. But the rest is just sort of pretty mainstream English fare, isn't it?

Yeah, probably like Christmas dinner. Yeah, any caterer should be able to do that quite well. This is magic pie, steak and kidney. And then you just throw in some novelty sweets, but they actually manufacture those, so no biggie. I'll tell you what I'd be concerned about, actually, if I was organising a Harry Potter-themed wedding. Is it that everyone has come dressed as a schoolchild?

People would want to play Quidditch. Now, don't get me wrong, I know that's not technically possible, listeners. But I can imagine that someone would would because it would be a spectacular event when at the end of the meal everyone goes outside plays quote-unquote quidditch renting some sort of cutting-edge technological hoverboard that doesn't quite work and someone really hurts themselves i don't think that would happen i think there'll be a stationary broomstick with a backdrop and people would take their picture in front of it as if they're flying in the air that's good yeah that would be fun wouldn't it when did that thing happen at weddings

that everyone has the photo booth with the dressing up gear yeah well with a moustache on a stick and some funny glasses and wigs and the first time you did it it was fun wasn't it genuinely fun you're like oh what's the novelty i've never done it and i've never had fun okay it's not just a wedding but generally it's now become a thing people have at weddings yes so like the wedding cake, you're like, oh yeah, they've got that thing where you stand in front of the camera and put a moustache on. I just think weddings ought to be able to survive

without such gimmicks. But then if you're going full gimmick like this, then fair play to you. That is impressive. Most people won't go to more than two or three Harry Potter weddings in their lifetimes. Yeah, I think, why not? I mean, Poppy says actually as an adjunct to this,

she asks if we had to theme our weddings, what theme would we go for? Now, I'm not getting married. Helen, you have been married to Martin. Yes, I am still married, technically. If you had to theme your wedding, what would you have gone for? Colombo theme, and everyone would wear beige overcoats,

and I would be walked down the aisle by a basset hound. Why didn't you do that? I honestly don't know. I think I'd go for a labyrinth theme wedding. Oh, labyrinth! At some level in my own mind, I am Jennifer Connelly,

age 15. Is that who you would go as? It's who I wanted to be when I was seven. And would your girlfriend go as David Bowie? It'd be really weird if your wedding was included

in the line you have no power over me. I mean, it's true, but... That's good because, you know, relationships should be equal. Ken and Justin and... Helen.

...from San Francisco and Helen from San Francisco. And we have a question. Helen, can Ollie answer me this? Thank you. Why is it that when there's a queen of England, her husband is not referred to as the king, but as far as we know, when there's a king of England, his wife is referred to as the queen.

Sexism, in a word. Aww. Against Prince Philip? No, against women. Right. Paradoxically, even though the queen's the top of the tree. If you had a king, that's automatically the most important position, even if you're a king because you're married to the queen.

So you can't have a king if there's a queen. Yes. But you can't have a queen if there's a king because you're still going to be lesser. It's all about rank. And that goes all the way through even much lower strata than kings and queens so even with lords and ladies forget about the queens and kings for a minute with lords and ladies if let's say uh martin was lord muck and you were just helen zaltzman peasant okay right if you married martin then you'd become lady muck yes um he had a title, you get to share in his title,

a la Princess Michael of Kent. Oh, that's such a sublimated identity. Right. However, if you were already Lady Muck because your father was Lord Muck and there were no brotherly heirs. Yes. If Martin was Martin Peasant and married you, it would be seen to be emasculating for the best

title that he could have to be one that he'd inherited from his wife because the wife traditionally inherits the title of the husband so you'd keep your rank because that is your place in society you're lady muck you're the daughter of lord muck yes but martin wouldn't be lord muck he would be the consort to lady muck the consort so when you're introduced at a posh party it would be lady muck and lady muck's partner so and so so actually in a way women benefit more from this unfair system but they benefit more by being completely weak and helpless in the system the lady can always inherit her husband's title if if it's if she kills him if it's a trade-up yeah but the husband can't

so because the king would trump the queen what game are we playing like in chess if prince philip had been made king by marrying the queen then he'd be more important he'd have a higher rank than her but to show the bloodline is that the queen is the most important person in the room she stays the queen he stays prince philip so i've got a question about Camilla If the Queen dies And then Prince Charles dies Does she become the Queen Or is she just like the Queen Mum No that never happens

Exactly like the Queen Mum But if Charles dies and then the Queen dies She's still not in line to the throne Which Queen are we talking about here The Queen If Charles dies and then Queen Elizabeth II dies, then we'd end up with King William. Okay.

Okay. All clear? Yeah. Good. Well, here is a question from Fiona in Melbourne who says, I was recently locked out of my house. Ha ha. Keys inside, door shut, standard fare.

So frustrating. Do you have a secret key stashed somewhere? No. I mean, this is a block of flats, so you'd be foolish to keep your key under someone else's car fiona says i made two calls from my mobile phone which luckily i had on me turns out the locksmith is cheaper than the window repairman good tip so i waited at my door for him to show up photo idea with my address on in hand but the locksmith wasn't the least bit interested what he walked up confirmed that this was the door i wanted unlocked and opened it right

up it could have been anyone's house how dare he provide such an efficient and speedy service i think she has a point asking this question ollie answer me this how is it that they can just unlock any door and not check first because they're a qualified locksmith so they can unlock any door i mean obviously that's the job description the point is that if fiona had been standing outside a house she was intending to rob yes and he's just helped her out like why don't they require some kind of id so they do sort of it's it's sort of unofficial policy or it's probably official policy for most locksmiths but it's not the law that a locksmith has to see your id but if a locksmith knowingly

conspires to help you break into property that isn't yours then obviously they would be liable as an accomplice to a crime so basically basically he was using his instinct, Fiona. He just guessed that you looked like a trustworthy person and there might be a whole variety of reasons for that. Do you think some of them is that women tend to get away with this stuff more easily than men would? Or how you're dressed. I got locked out of my flat a couple of years ago.

I was wearing my dressing gown and pyjamas. Tip for burglars. Yeah. Go in that. Everyone's going to believe you. Go in your dressing gown and pyjamas. Say, oh, I don't have my mobile phone. I had to call you from a phone box.

It's a brilliant cover story. In the situation she described, she phoned the guy from her mobile phone. I don't know how she paid him, whether it was cash or with a credit card. At that point, you know what the person looks like, you know what the mobile phone number is, you know what the credit card is. There are all those things that could be stolen, but there's a lot of incriminating evidence. And that person, that locksmith,

would make a really good witness to the prosecution if you ever do get caught. Yeah, but the locksmith would get put away as well as an accomplice but what i'm saying is you wouldn't do that as a criminal because you would have someone who has a really good idea of you and a lot of information about you yeah what you do is make friends with a locksmith and actually ask them to commit the crime with you you wouldn't bother calling a locksmith just in case um but yeah i mean they're trusting on instinct and i think there's something to be said for that isn't there you can underplay the value of instinct in these scenarios but actually if

you've spent 20 years as a locksmith you've probably got a pretty good feel for who's lying you're probably always thinking it on you at the back of your mind you probably saw someone out who's lying straight away yeah but at least you think you do and then there's confirmation bias so if they are lying you're like yeah i could tell straight away and if they're not you just forget about it or you can never confirm it because you're like yeah they're lying i just haven't got the evidence yet here's a question from christina in glasgow who says helen answer me this is there any truth in the claim that drinking vinegar can suppress or delay menstruation this is an idea that's been around since at least

the 17th century and you still see it today on websites of home remedies it's funny how those websites don't like some of the other medical treatments from the 17th century leeches trepanning but what i haven't seen says christina is any sort of scientific proof that this works so does this just show the persistence of old wives tales or has the belief lasted because it is true um people are keen online to pop up saying well it worked for me it was unbelievable so do you trust anecdotal evidence or is it kind of placebo effect where they're like oh my periods are killing me and that makes them feel like maybe it's helped because they've they've tried to address matters themselves hell of a distraction technique though isn't it if you think your

period's coming and then you drink a glass of vinegar no you don't drink a glass of vinegar how much are you supposed to drink i think you drink two spoonfuls with a glass of water because obviously if you drink neat vinegar too much it'll be very corrosive and they advise drinking no more than 10 spoonfuls a day i can't remember whether it's tea or tablespoons i think teaspoons like the benefits of cider vinegar one of like the most persistent health let's say not so much things um online or in those ads in the backs of magazines and i think the thing is, there haven't been huge scientific studies done on them. Why? This is the thing I don't understand.

They do scientific studies on all these ridiculous things, and yet actually this is the stuff people care about on a day-to-day basis, isn't it? It'd be impossible to tell, wouldn't it? You'd have to study a large number of people throughout their whole lives and separate out factors of whether they smoked, how much exercise they got... There are people out there curing HIV. They could tell me whether or not eating a lemon works they could

tell you 50 years later yeah obviously if it does work it's a very cheap cure for a lot of ailments because we're going through this thing at the moment in um uh our antenatal classes where one of the women there said i'm in a lot of pain is there anything i can do uh to stop my stomach cramps and the lady well, there's no proof, but raspberry tea. I've heard about raspberry tea, but yeah, that and menstrual cramps as well. How is there no proof?

Like there's millions of women around the world that have babies that would like to know whether that works or not properly. That's not the point though. I mean, I think generally women's health, there are a lot of things there's very poor research about, particularly in pregnancy,

because they don't want to do scientific experiments on pregnant women. But they don't really do them scientific experiments on pregnant people that's fair enough but they don't really do them either into periods i'm calling for that research helen i don't even have a wound you do not have the clout but if i was glaxo smith klein i'd just take some of that budget away from the cancer drugs and i'd say look here's a market people want no because that would take away their own uh market for people tablets. Because vinegar, you just get some vinegar. Although apparently the benefits of like the highly distilled vinegar are slim. You need vinegar that's kind of cloudy and has got kind of spider-like vinegar mother floating inside the bottle.

A vinegar mother? The thing that creates more vinegar. Like a sourdough starter, but for vinegar. I've never heard the phrase vinegar mother either. No, you haven't. That's like a Terry Pratchett character. I just thought vinegar was like off wine. I didn't realise it had like a creature inside it but i've read a lot of stuff saying that cider vinegar has benefits for like

cardiovascular ailments and gastrointestinal ailments and also helps weight loss and there is some evidence for the weight loss they have done studies i think like 100 ish people saying that the people who had the vinegar lost more weight than the people who had placebos and the people who had nothing but still like on a small sample i don't think you can necessarily draw enough of a conclusion because there would be like individual factors affecting those people anyway and from a sample of like 40 people who are on the vinegar it's not going to be it's not going to be that scientific is it you talked about benefits yeah what is the benefit to delaying your period anyway you're

still going to have it is it even that good for you uh no i i think it probably isn't that good for you i think you can delay it a few hours at a time with the vinegar does it just so that you don't have it at work or whatever yeah probably but for some people who have very heavy periods that are a problem then they can make them lighter with the vinegar but all this talk of health benefits of vinegar there may also be problems with the vinegar but all this talk of health benefits of vinegar there may also be problems with drinking vinegar for your health who knew such as what about washing out your fanny with it what about that it can mess up medications that you might be taking it can alter insulin levels and it may see rot any rottable part of your body see the thing with

old wives tales is that wouldn't have mattered 100 years ago because you'd die. Dead anyway. Who cares if you get low bone density because of the vinegar? You're dead. You're dead. If you've got a question,

email your question to answerthethispodcast at googlemail.com Answer this podcast at googlemail.com It's great! Time for a question. So retrospectives, what historical events are we ticking off on this week's run of Today in History? On Monday we bring you the real story of the mutiny on the bounty. On Tuesday, the anniversary of the day somebody invented the meatball, but who?

On Wednesday, the iconic British car that ripped off an iconic American car. On Thursday, how American airlines invented air miles. And on Friday, the UFO sighting that gripped colonial America. We discuss this and more on Today in History with The Retrospectors. Ten minutes each weekday, wherever you get your podcasts. From Tom in Edinburgh who says, I have embarked on a literary adventure.

I assume he's reading Katie Price's latest novel. Is she still up to that? She must be, mustn't she? Even with declining returns. Isn't it remarkable that Katie Price is one of the most prolific authors of our lifetimes? I know, it's extraordinary. But I bet those books are okay.

Probably. Because she can probably afford a really good ghostwriter. And the brand is kind of like... Yeah, but you have to choose to hire a really good ghostwriter, don't you? Yeah, but she wouldn't be making the choice. Like, she's going to have a good publisher. The publisher will say, we'll sell more books if the book's well written. No, they won't.

They're not selling on the basis of the writing. They're selling on the base of someone wanting to buy a book katie price's you're right but people have to come back and buy it again next christmas i still think they're gonna and what's the katie price brand it's kind of like glamour and sex and troubled personal and motherhood which might be a bit boring but basically the woman who has it all yeah who has big houses and also has lots sex. That's probably quite a good read. Well, Jilly Cooper's already done it. Jilly Cooper's already... It's probably Jilly Cooper for the 21st century.

Anyway, Tom isn't doing that. No. Might be. Before we continue speculating any further as to what's in a Katie Price novel, which none of us are ever going to read. No, thanks. Even if we go insane and we're locked up in a place where the only book in the library is a Katie Price novel.

Would you read one if you were paid to read it? What, like to write a review about it? Yes, I suppose in my lifetime that has been the most usual circumstance in which I've been paid to read a book. But not the exclusive circumstance. See, it's difficult because, let's say I got paid £200 to write a book review.

Oh, dream on mate, this day and age. But let's say I did. Okay. You're then getting an invitation to write something quite funny aren't you if you're giving katie price's book but then but it's an easy target as well yeah so so actually the artistic challenge would be quite interesting because the challenge would be to slag it off in a way that was a bit more ingenious yes or or it's good and then you don't have to slag it off but imagine what imagine the position you'd put yourself in helen if you as a book reviewer given

katie price's new novel and you thought it was amazing yeah do you say in the observer the novel of the year yeah I'd be happy to because the number of books where you just feel nothing is so overwhelming that to get a book that makes you feel anything is a relief I actually read uh Jade Goody's autobiography how was it absolutely brilliant but you see she she lived an interesting life and that was really well ghostwritten as well I'd imagine she was very candid as well Yeah Because that's the annoying thing about autobiographies When they're boring

And clearly ghostwritten Do you think Katie Price reads the books that she's purportedly written? She hasn't got time They probably churn them out quicker than she could read them Anyway Tom isn't doing that Nothing to do with Katie Price This was all a massive tangent based purely on his first sentence

Right Which, as a reminder was I have embarked on a literary adventure Nothing to do with Katie Price. This was all a massive tangent based purely on his first sentence. Right. Which, as a reminder, was, I have embarked on a literary adventure. Nothing to do with Katie Price. Nothing to do with Katie Price. Footnote. I am taking part in NaNoWriMo. November Writer Novel Month. I'd never heard of that. How have you heard of that? Is it a hashtag somewhere? Yeah, I've seen a hashtag. Right. Okay. Well, it is, he says in a way that's very concise, so this is boding well. An online writing exercise in which I have to write 50,000 words of a novel in 30 days. Works out 1,667 words a day. I'm writing you this email on day two and I'm already procrastinating.

That is a very essential part of the creative process. I'm surprised it waits until day two, to be honest. I suppose day two is the time it strikes, isn't't it because day one you get out of your system everything you want to say i don't know shit i've got to write this i would procrastinate days 1 to 29 and then get everything done in the last three hours of day 30 yeah i always do that with deadlines i wish i wish i had enough discipline yeah no but all you have to do is tell yourself the deadlines tomorrow no but i can't do it i've turned this around though i've realized i'm not going to change that now therefore i can recognize its strengths and its strengths are sitting on the couch not working for three days

beforehand that would be a boon that would be a dream at this point i've had like two days off this whole year um but it's because if you leave things till that late you don't spend all this time wondering about the creative decisions you just automatically make the right one because you don't have time to think about it whereas if you have a lot of options and time to mull over them you can spend days going oh but but should they go to the doge's palace or should they puke instead but you don't automatically make the right one you automatically amazing you automatically make the instinctive one that's different it is possible you must sometimes look back your own work and think oh that was the wrong decision you don't have time to second guess yourself and i think generally your decisions probably be more right than if you spent a lot of time second guessing them.

You need to get the stuff out quickly, which is the whole point of NaNoWriMo. Blart it out onto the page and then you fix it afterwards. You can change it a lot afterwards. I think a lot of the novels that have been published as a result of NaNoWriMo have been through extensive editing and rewrites. It's just to get yourself through the pain barrier. Okay. Yeah. Well, maybe that's the answer to the question.

Right. He says, Helen, answer me this. Has there been a successful novel that's been written in a month? Or did a shorter time period than that? Yes. Barbara Cartland used to write one every two weeks. I mean, I don't know how personally involved. Yeah, we see it again.

This is a definition of successful, isn't it? Financially successful, inevitably. Let me throw some names of novels at you and see if you recognise any of them and therefore we can count them as successful. Me with my English degree from Oxford, I better recognise none of them. Yeah, probably. Boy in the Striped Pyjamas. Oh yeah, heard of that. Concentration camp. Apparently took him

two and a half days. Really? Yeah. Bloody hell. So he just didn't eat or sleep or anything, just churned it all out in a big fugue. Fahrenheit 451, first draft was 10 days. Thriller, Cold War thriller. It's a science fiction dystopia along the lines of 1984

but about books. But the eventual novel was twice as long because like what I'm saying, get everything out in the initial burst and then you go back and fix it.

Naked Lunch, 11 Days and Nights. Never heard of it. What? William S. Burroughs, Big Poet. It was probably on a lot of drugs.

Drugs seem to figure a lot in the fast novel writing. Byron used to write on drugs, didn't he? Oh, they were all at it in those days. But I mean, I bet he wrote all of Don Juan in like two weeks. That's not a novel, but it's a long poem that's basically a novel. I don't know if Frankenstein takes right. Because that was a ghost story, wasn't it? Over One Night initially.

I think that was the myth that it took her one night to write Frankenstein, but I'm not sure that that's more than that. Maybe that's just the germ of the idea. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Heard of that? That's the first one that you've mentioned that I've read. What about Louis Stevenson? Yeah, well apparently he wrote a short story, according to the myth, burnt it, and then rewrote it in three to six days whilst

off his face on coke. Right. He was ill though. He was a long-term ill, wasn't he, Stevenson? Yeah. And so the coke might have been medical rather than just Brett Easton Ellis-style writing a novel in a Coke flurry. But I'm not sure whether the burnt story was true or not. But there also does seem to be an element of rewriting because On the Road...

Familiar with that? Jack Kerouac? Jack Kerouac, yeah. Apparently Jack Kerouac really hated the original version of On the Road. He was right to. Everyone else hates the final version. Either that or the publisher rejected it. So he started from scratch,

typing on a 120-foot continuous piece of paper so he didn't have to change the typewriter it. So he started from scratch typing on a 120 foot continuous piece of paper. So he didn't have to change the typewriter paper. That's amazing. And wrote it in two to three weeks. But then technically he dodged it on the draft, hadn't he? The rejected draft. So what to believe? I think when I was a kid, I wrote a novel in about three days.

How long was it though? I wouldn't say it was successful. Like 500 words. I'd read a lot of Ben Elton at that stage. You know when you just make that segue from reading teenage fiction into sort of adult fiction so i read like popcorn and what was the one about the environment i didn't even know uh it was the one about cars clogging up the environment oh no he was you know ben elton when you're 15 is a good writer yeah um and i'd

consumed like 10 of those and then i was like gridlock that's what it was called gridlock uh and then i just right i'll write a novel and of course it reads exactly like one of ben elton's 90s novels you could have made loads of money then i did i did write i think i wrote three chapters it wasn't the whole thing but it was it was three good chapters and then i ran out of ideas but that's still impressive you've got three good chapters out a lot of people are probably defeated like two pages in because getting into a novel is hard uh apparently dostoevsky wrote the gambler in three weeks because he had uh gambling debts that he needed to pay off pretty fast. It's an interesting motivator there.

Stephen King, I think, wrote a lot of books really fast. Stephen King writes a lot of his stuff fast, I reckon. He has a real work ethic, doesn't he? He writes 1,500 words a day, like minimum. It writes itself, though, doesn't it? Once you've got the idea. Oh, I don't think it does. I like Stephen King.

And the dog's haunted. And it's scary. And the old woman's haunted. Have you read any Stephen you read any stephen king books yeah and the blood came out the blood came out apparently the running man only took him a week and carrie took him two weeks but then again like they might write the body of it and then spend like seven years finessing it yeah i understand the virtue in just getting on and not procrastinating and putting pen to paper but actually equally i'm sure some of the very best novels are the product sadly of many many years of work and that you know it's not the one method's better than the

other it's that you should try dashing it off so that you don't procrastinate unnecessarily sometimes procrastination can be helpful i think though this is a good procrastination buster method even if nothing comes of it and presumably the majority of these don't finish the month but at least they get something started. And it's been going since 1999, NaNoWriMo, and it's been getting bigger and bigger. It started with a couple of dozen people, and now I think millions of people try to chip in.

And now it's time for today's intermission, in which we will hear a little nugget from the Answer Me This Christmas album. Because Christmas approaches with all of the grim inevitability of death. Yes, that's right. The Answer Me This Christmas album is still out. We recorded it in 2013, but if you've never heard it before... Christmas is the same pretty much every time. And it's never been on the podcast feed, it's never been available for free.

The only place you can hear the Answer Me This Christmas album is by buying it from iTunes or Amazon or at answermethisstore.com. I don't really send many Christmas cards now and as a result, I very rarely get any, but I do get one each year from a Nepalese takeaway that we sometimes frequent here, and it just says, Dear Customer.

Yeah, that's nice, isn't it? The personal touch they've really gone for there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I really felt like a very valuable human being. I didn't send them one. That was rude, wasn't it? About a month ahead of Christmas is an acceptable time to start listening to Christmas stuff. And this episode is sponsored by Dobby's Garden Centres,

who are releasing a very cute series of Christmas podcasts. Yeah, they're called Dobby and Friends. If you've got kids, you should download these. They're free. Yeah, Dobby's Friends are all other festive animals. Dobby is a reindeer. He's Santa's 10th reindeer. Come Dobby and Blitzen.

And, oh, they're fun. I've busted through two today because I was enjoying them so much. Because the narrator is a bit like David Attenborough, except he's talking about fictional penguins. Do you know who it is? I looked it up. No.

Bernard Cribbins. Oh, yeah. Bernard Cribbins. He's good, isn't he? Well, Bernard Cribbins does a bang-up job. So I think it's good if you've got your child in the car And they're getting a bit Christmas overhyped You can bung one of these on

It won't make you want to scream because it's actually quite enchanting They're beautifully orchestrated, nice little stories for kids Really nicely produced You can get these podcasts from iTunes, Acast and Dobbies.com So thanks very much to Dobbies for sponsoring This Christmassy section of the show Yeah, first question of Christmas is from Tom who says,

Christmas is approaching and my mum loves it because it's my birthday too. The Christ child, Tom! And she is one of those people that wants to make everyone happy and do no wrong. Oh, those people really shit up Christmas.

My granny was like that and it was a four-month nightmare every year so he says tom everyone is out of the house he's painting a picture here i've seen that happen right so it has happened but he's telling it in present tense yeah so we feel thrilled he hasn't got cribbins to narrate this he's only got man to work with it man is good uh so everyone is out the house and two parcels get delivered. One is slightly opened. Santa's really getting sloppy. He is. One is slightly opened and, of course, says Tom, my curiosity comes out.

I have to take a look inside. You just have to. I find it is a book regarding a camera. Right. And how to use that camera properly. However, the book is about the complete wrong camera. This book would be no good to me. I know this book is for me because I'm doing TV and film production.

Is it possible that she's got you the book for Christmas and the camera for your birthday? Is it possible this is just a decoy to see when you're going to open the presents? She thought, I'll just tear the corner off this parcel just to get him all tense throughout December. So Helen asked me this. Should I tell mum I've seen the book and spare her the time and money she spent the money yeah she cannot be spared or should i wait till christmas and then act surprised and then go

and change it yeah well that seems like a good solution going and changing it quietly after the thing is if i mean you've painted a picture well of someone who really does want to make everyone happy yeah and has tried to get you a really thoughtful gift yeah i think actually she'd respond quite positively if you say i know i shouldn't have seen it but i couldn't help seeing it and it's such a great gift but actually it's like the wrong one right i think better because she'll she'll know she'll be upset if on the day you say this isn't quite the right wrong so you'd have to carry on acting the whole way through Christmas Day. But I was wondering whether the greater problem is not the present and having to return it and switch it for a different book,

but just the fact that he found out what a present was, whether that would be a breach of trust that lasted a lot longer than this camera would. I would go for her not knowing that she messed up or that he snooped. Okay, so actually we disagree. Martin Christmas, you'll have to adjudicate here what do you say who's right i just think it's without intending to be so rude and ungrateful to tell someone you've looked at the present yeah that they've got for you and it's not what you want okay well then helen's solution wins the day i have an analog uh when i was little there was one cupboard in the house where next to the

dog's bed where my parents used to hide our presents do you remember those slippers that were kind of like putting your feet into a cuddly toy? Oh yeah, I love those. Yeah, well, I was very thrilled to discover that I'd been bought a pair of those slippers. How far before Christmas did you realise that Father Christmas had bought you those? I think I already knew about the administration system of Christmas presents by then. She says euphemistically. I can't remember how old I was, maybe about nine, but the slippers were too small. And I knew that because I'd taken out the cupboard and tried them on. But I couldn't remember how old I was maybe about nine but the slippers were too small and I knew that

because I'd taken out the cupboard and tried them on but I couldn't say anything so I just had to wait till Christmas and then they got me I think Garfield slippers instead that were the right size but were they disappointed

when the slippers were too small? didn't care they didn't care no no well you can't really argue with your feet being the wrong size for the slippers and you can't really argue

with that camera book being wrong but you can argue with the snooping here's a question from Gia from south korea and theresa from germany intercontinental question yeah i don't think we've ever had such an ambitious uh pairing or question asking this is such a good question it took two continents to uh to put it sounds like a guinness world record it was presumably drafted as part of a un resolution uh it says uh the other day my friend theresa so i suppose this is gia uh came up with the best question i've heard so far this year wow will it be the same situation for us i wonder because we've heard thousands this year many uh helen asked me this

why aren't there any paintings of the virgin Virgin Mary during her pregnancy. I know it was an immaculate conception and whatever, but she must have gone through the nine months of childbearing like all other humans. Like all other humans impregnated by God. The rules are just the same as for mortal women. They're not suggesting that she doesn't go through normal pregnancies, though, in the Bible? No, because she's big with child when they make the pilgrimage to Bethlehem. Big with child I think Matthew, Mark, Luke and John were all a bit

squeamish about the finer detail of the pregnancy I think generally people were until Demi Moore went on the cover of Vanity Fair Pretty much So there was a couple of thousand years in between where people were like, ew, icky, nasty Exactly Well, Gia says, both I and

Teresa are not religious and are clueless about catholicism in its ways but on a logical level there surely must be paintings of her pregnant there's a thousand of them depicting her and the baby jesus so why not of the pregnancy itself because logic is obviously the filter to apply to the story of a virgin giving birth but also she might have there might be pictures of her where she's very early pregnant so she's not really showing we've been racking our brains out, continues Gia, hardcore Googling and even asking all of our Catholic friends who turned out just to be as clueless and as puzzled as we are.

I don't think you have been doing hardcore Googling because if you softcore Google image search the phrase paintings of pregnant Virgin Mary, you get to see paintings of the pregnant Virgin Mary. How pregnant are we talking? Pretty pregnant. I mean, it's hard to say because it looks like she had quite a neat pregnancy. It is her first child.

So often the stomach muscles are like still much more taut. But she looks close to popping. Martin just brought up one such image on Google Images. And it's you can see the little baby Jesus inside Mary like a picture in picture. Yeah. It's a bit like on Beatles About when they're watching the stunt. Martin's looking at one where there's sort of a solar system on her stomach. Actually, that is pretty clear that she's pregnant though, isn't it?

The best known one of these is by the 15th century Tuscan artist Piero della Francesca. It was finished in the 1460s in the fresco at Monterchi. Classic kind of thing. She's got her hand on the bump. But I read a curious thing, which is that while there were lots of carvings and sculptures of pregnant Marys,

paintings of them relatively rare, and were largely happening in Tuscany in the 130 years before Pieri della Francesca's 1460s painting of Virgin Mary. And this is the conspiracy theory. All of these pictures of pregnant Mary started appearing after the suppression of the Knights Templar, which happened in 1312. Now, what is that? Because I've heard of it, but I can't tell you what it is. It's a military religious

order founded in the early 12th century to defend the kingdom the Crusaders had carved out in the Holy Land, and they wielded enormous political power. So a Christian sect, basically. Then Pope Clement V ordered them to be dissolved, because they used to extract confessions out of people using particularly horrible torture methods.

So the Knights Templar got burnt at the stake, then the pregnant Virgin Mary portrait started appearing. Okay, so what's the theory? I think the pregnant Marys were like a symbol of the Knights Templar being vanquished. But what this doesn't explain is why there weren't paintings of the Virgin Mary much after that or why there weren't paintings outside of Tuscany

where there wasn't such a Knights Templar problem. Well, the thing is, the most important thing she did in global historic terms was giving birth to Jesus. Like Kate Middleton. Once the baby's born then that moment is... Some scrappy poor women. Well it's probably best depicted in the manger.

Three wise men are there. You know got some supporting cast. A few other people around. There's a goat. Got some sheep to paint. That's fun. Yeah nice sky and everything. That's a better scene isn't it than just... Oh yeah do you remember this is when she was six months pregnant yeah what happened nothing what did matthew say about it don't know he wasn't there she vomited a bit yeah exactly yeah i suppose she's only validated once she's given birth it must have been very difficult to do that long journey by donkey when heavily pregnant i mean that's inadvisable isn't it absolutely you know

little donkey's my favorite christmas carol i didn't know that did i want to know that it's really nice especially when you have the coconuts. What? I've never seen coconuts in a church. Yeah, you do Little Donkey. The coconuts for the hooves. It's not that beatsy a song. So where do the coconuts come in? It's like, it's like, Little Donkey, Little Donkey on a dusty... I guess that's the sort of rhythm you'd go for. It's calling out for a reggae remix.

And Martin's album is out now. Here's a question that I suppose is quite relevant in these festive times. It's from Dave, who says, I've recently been ridiculed in my office by my co-workers, and while this is not unusual, this time I think it is unfair. When they're just laughing at me for my lack of ability in the office. Reasonable. Our boss brought in a box of chocolates for the team. The box

travelled around our small office and when it arrived at me it was missing the all-important piece of paper telling you what is what. I shouted out, where's the map? Which received fits of laughter and ridicule. My family has always referred to the little piece of paper as the map, but I'm told this is definitely wrong, as a map

is all about showing geographic layout and to assist you from going A to B. To be fair, a map is also about showing geographic layout and to assist you from going A to B to be fair a map is also about making sure you don't end up somewhere shit by mistake which is how I feel

about Turkish delight or orange cream oh I'm into the orange creams are you? yeah right I'm stocking them all up this Christmas and I'll bring them

around on New Year's Day it might have been because as the youngest child I had last dibs on the chocolate so I had to enjoy the flavours no one else did you had to get used to it it's like I got a taste

for spring onion crisps for the same reason. Dave says, I have asked my co-workers what it should be called and it was obvious they had no real idea. Morons that you work with.

Oh, they laugh and laugh but really they're no better than you. They did, however, come up with some suggestions. The index. Not bad. Sort of. It's like the contents of a book

rather than the index comes at the front. The index will be more like Sort of. It's like the contents of a book rather than the index comes at the front. Yeah. The index will be more like a list of ingredients like orange, chocolate, coffee, hazelnut. Tasting notes.

I think Hotel Chocolat or any pretentious chocolate company could quite easily call that piece of paper the tasting notes. But then it would also have a description like

well in this Madagascan chocolate there's a note. Hints of vanilla. Yes. But we don't know what kind of chocolates these are. So if these were those kind of

chocolates then I think that's appropriate. If these were dairy box, not appropriate. Dave says another suggestion was menu. Yeah. Not bad. I'm happy with that. I'm not excited by menu. The little piece of paper. Not even trying. Bit desperate. Ollie, answer me this. What is the little piece of paper in a box of

chocolates called? There's no official title but I would go legend Really? Yes Why? Because that's what you have on a map, isn't it? So I don't think it's ridiculous Yeah, but no, you have a key on a map

I would go with key for the chocolates Well, I'd go with legend Or either is appropriate Legend works for a graph or a figure as well You're manufacturing your own range of chocolates You put in the little piece of paper But you've decided that you are going to put on the top of the piece of paper what it is Yeah

What is the word you put? Key That's not so different from legend It's three letters shorter which is better sure and also legend makes it sound like you're going to see something really exciting in there rather than just the thing that allows you to avoid the lemon cream are you someone who actually always does consult the little piece of paper anyway or do you prefer dipping in and seeing what i'm gonna get yeah but that's how you get some crappy like caramel thing that doesn't taste good i like that it's interesting to see your own aesthetic prejudices uh because you know you're drawn to a particular layout or shade of chocolate and then the key might tell you that actually that

is not going to be as appealing to you as the one you find ugly on first glance okay i'm going to give you a shape and you're going to tell me whether you think it's a nice chocolate or not nice chocolate okay okay shell no quick gotta think quickly shell yeah will you pick a shell yeah yeah i would too square yes no yes i would i think hard toffee it's round and it's got the depiction of a strawberry print on it no absolutely no way in the world of course see so there is there's okay diamond oh um yes yes i think that's going to be quality yeah banana you'd think about wrapped in green paper yes yes that's a noisette wrapped in gold paper that's a caramel or toffee wrapped in purple paper yes please as quickly as possible so you say you don't need the legend sometimes it might be coconut you can just blue foil blue i'm not coconut booby trap

or sometimes cracknell whatever that is well listeners i think it's time to wrap up this episode of answer me this uh like it's a christmas present that someone is going to infiltrate the packaging of um but uh please do provide questions for future episodes of answer me this every one of those is a little present we love to unwrap in our inbox a wonderful gift a wonderful gift please email your questions you can phone us you can skype us our contact details are on our website answer me this podcast.com and remember whilst you're on the website to click on our facebook and twitter buttons to follow us on social media and we have various side projects as well.

I make the Allusionist podcast. We got an email the other day from someone saying, I'm a massive fan of Answer Me This. I didn't even know you were doing another podcast until now. I was like, I've been talking about it all year. How massive a fan of Answer Me This. You've just shown up your own life. I think in the outro,

people are like taking their headphones off at this point. I said it at the beginning, like the first episode this year. That was my big opener. Jesus, people. You should listen to my podcast. I do a podcast called Song by Song, where we talk about every Tom Waits song in chronological order.

And there is also my brand new show, The Modern Man. On this week's show, I am discussing my impending fatherhood with two comedians who they themselves are also to be dads in January. Stuart Goldsmith from the Comedians Comedian podcast. And some of our jingles. And some of our jingles. And Tom Price. Terrifying times for the world.

Yeah, you know, more terrible children. And thank you very much to Dobby's Garden Centre for sponsoring this episode of Answer Me This and putting out your cute Christmas podcast with Bernard Cribbins. And we'll see you without Bernard Cribbins, but very much in his spirit. I bet he'd do this show if we asked him. Next time. Bye!