Answer Me This! - AMT353: Despacito, Apples for Teacher, and Glory Holes

Episode Date: August 3, 2017

To borrow from The Song Of The Summer 2017, let AMT353 in the walls of your labyrinth. IE your ears. What did you think we were talking about? A duck's complicated nether regions? All will become clearer (but not necessarily more savoury) at . Send us questions for future episodes: email call 0208 123 5877, Skype answermethis. Tweet us http://twitter.com/helenandolly Facebook http://facebook.com/answermethis Subscribe on iTunes http://iTunes.com/AnswerMeThis Buy old episodes, albums and our Best Of compilations at Hear Helen Zaltzman's podcast The Allusionist at Olly Mann's The Modern Mann at and Martin Austwick's Song By Song at . Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Now Prince Philip's retired, do we just call him Phil? Answer me this, answer me this What did I do to be written out of your will? Answer me this, answer me this Heaven and Lord, you know what you did We are recording today from the Answer Me This summer quarters as in Olly Bann's house in the beautiful countryside Thank you, I don't know why I'm saying thank you

I didn't create the I'm saying thank you. I didn't create the countryside. I just bought a house here. So it feels like a little vacation in the countryside at Olly Mann's house. And here is a vacation-based question from Lee. Lee says, my wife is a travel agent, so we enjoy several cheap holidays a year. Yes. We've just come back from an all-inclusive hotel, which was a very disappointing experience for a number of reasons.

Oh. During the day, we stuck to soft drinks. Well, already you're doing this totally wrong. In the evening, we sat at the bar. My wife drank wine. I drank beer. Neither of us drink to get drunk. But after several rounds, the drinks were having no effect. They didn't taste watery watery but there was no alcoholic effect at all this suddenly sounds like a trip advisor review rather than answer me this question i'm enjoying it ollie answer me this what are these drinks are they manufactured all-inclusive

versions of real drinks or do hotels water them down i wouldn't say that they're specially manufactured versions i think what goes on a lot is there are international drinks brands that are recognized all over the world you know your picardies your malibus your baileys and they put those on the bar so that tourists are reassured that they're in that kind of place i think they probably top up the bottles with local cheaper versions okay because it is local cheaper wine and local cheaper beer that you're drinking, which probably isn't as alcoholic, which is why you weren't getting drunk on it.

And that is probably the case as well when it comes to the spirits. What you do read a lot of is people saying, I never once saw them open a fresh bottle. Oh, really? Which obviously is a bit of a giveaway. But that said, I do think it depends what you pay. And you've said yourself you went on

a cheap break i mean i went to a quite expensive all-inclusive in mexico a couple of years ago and the swimming pool was made out of cocktails more or less i mean seriously there wasn't just a swim up bar there was a moat around the rooms so if you wanted to you could swim from your room to the bar what and you notice when you arrive we arrived at something like 4 p.m and you could see the guests were clinging onto the walls they were that drunk oh god they were like swaying around they were leaning on the wall everyone was drunkenly laughing was there anything else to do apart from get hammered all day no and so after a few days you become that person i mean we didn't do what other people

in the hotel did they actually had full-size bottles of branded alcohol in our bedroom and you could drink as much as you wanted and they'd replace it the next day was the headboard of your bed a bar with optics you didn't even have to get up off the pillow just open your mouth and press a couple of buttons so what i'm saying is you know i think you get what you pay for by contrast we were in a hotel in crete in, which was a four-star hotel. We weren't staying all-inclusive there, but some guests were. And you could see what they were serving.

They were serving Retsina as the white wine. Now, I happen to like Retsina, but you can get a half bottle of Retsina anywhere in Crete for two quid. Right. So there was no value attached to being all-inclusive. It just meant you couldn't have a nice bottle of wine if you wanted one.

So, you know, I think you could see that they were cheaping out. So I think it just depends where you go really i can well imagine though that cocktails in an all-inclusive resort would be colorful sugar water with less boozing because it's cheaper and also because it's a bit easier to have guests who aren't completely blasted and then people can drink them all day so it gives the impression of taking advantage of the all inclusivity and great generosity in the resort without it ruining your liver. But wine and beer. But even those are served in novelty ways. I mean, most of these all inclusives are typically in hot places.

So again, in the one in Mexico that we went to, there was definitely sort of quality beverages being administered. The thing that the barman by the pool liked to do was a so-called iceberg. So an iceberg was like a massive, like double gulp seven up cup size thing filled with a huge block of ice, hence the name, into which he'd pour, I think, one or maybe two, I think it was one bottle of Corona, some lime, and then maybe a shot of tequila or something. But the point is that block of ice was so huge

that it is diluting it substantially. And although you think you're drinking a big cocktail you're not you're drinking a heavily diluted fairly light beer and it probably takes you an hour to drink it so it's not that much is it really if you down it really quickly then maybe but you can't because it's a it's through a straw and b it's got a massive block of ice in it so you just waver it to melt but lee says these didn't taste watery well that's what I mean by supplement it with cheaper brands. It's got a taste of whiskey, but it's not going to be as good. So the cheaper brand would just have less booze in it. Well, it certainly hasn't matured for 10 years in a malt cask, has it?

You know, it's from the equivalent of Iceland or whatever. Or maybe Lee and his wife are harder drinkers than they realised. Here's a question from Dan who says, my mum lives in a retirement community. She's made loads of friends and everything there is very lovely hooray however she has had problems recently with her boiler she has had problems recently with her boiler which is located in the airing cupboard however she doesn't refer to this as the airing cupboard she calls it her glory hole

she keeps on using this expression, and she's been using it with other residents and the community's handyman. So, Helen, answer me this. How do I go about telling my mum not to use this phrase without bringing up cocks being shoved anonymously between toilet cubicles? Well, Dan, you could say to her, there are so many different meanings of glory hole, and you don't want people to confuse your airing cupboard with the nautical terms of glory hole,

like a storium in a ship, or the stewards and stokers' quarters, or a jail cell, or the senses it has in mining, for example, when the surface ground has formed a big divot because a shaft underneath has collapsed a bit or the glass blowing form of glory hole which is the second furnace of three used in glass blowing or a round spillway type of glory hole you wouldn't want her to confuse her airing cupboard with any of those or the secondhand furniture shop on the a5 but she's probably using it in the sense of an untidy cupboard or drawer which has been in use since at least 1825 so So it's your filthy mind, Dan, that is bringing the idea of glory holes used for cottaging. Well, possibly.

Or she actually has a glory hole operating out of her airing cupboard. Have you checked, Dan? You're assuming she doesn't. Good point. She might know exactly the meaning of the word. I had this exact issue when I was house hunting in St Albans with my wife. We were looking around an elderly lady's house. And it was a very presentable house, although it hadn't been updated since the kind of 1950s and it had a few

little odd adjunctive rooms and I remember her specifically saying to us bold as brass oh have you seen the glory hole and we both looked at each other and found it very hard to suppress the smile in that instance because we knew she didn't mean hole for cocks but we weren't sure what she did mean and what she did mean was this kind of anti-room that was kind of i guess you might have used to have stored coal in it or something like that i think now it had like a lawnmower in it and some other stuff that was damp um so that's what she meant so obviously back then people did use it generically for air raid shelters or space in the ceiling or you know whatever it's the same problem i encounter when my mother uses the word slut she'll say i must hoover otherwise people

will think i'm a slut yeah you've told me that before i'd never heard that anywhere else and yet i think it was a very common usage before a few decades ago sounds like a sort of corruption of slattern doesn't it well exactly i think it is but i haven't tried to broach it with her but i know that some of her friends listen to this podcast so maybe they will report back to her and the work will be done without me having to do it directly well also i think dan why don't you enjoy this dan what enjoy your mother using glory i'll be like well what you don't have to be graphic you can just say mum you might not be aware but the word glory hole is sexual slang you don't need to be specific because that's she doesn't need to know the details does sufficiently ambiguous so that i mean that could glory hole could mean a lot of yes it could be an arsehole or vagina

or something but she's still going to think okay but i probably should stop calling my airing cupboard that that's all you need to say the arsehole it's sexual slang that's all you need to say can you not say that to your mother dan are you so she's repressed she's lived a bit she's probably aware that sex exists yes yes but people who came to sexual awareness before the internet though probably weren't as easily uh exposed to glory holes as our generation has been i mean it's something that i may have once read in a magazine article had the internet not existed i'm now aware of it as a thing hi helen ollie it's katie and yeah we've had a few cocktails, but we have a song stuck in our

head by the great and wonderful Biebs. It's Death by Zito, but what does Death by Zito mean? Love you, bye. Bye. The great and wonderful Biebs. He's getting all the credit for a song that is by veteran musicians Louis Fonsi and

Daddy Yankee, Puerto rican musicians he just heard it in a club contributed an extra verse to the remix and now he is the great and powerful beebs but as a result of his involvement it did become the biggest summer tune of all time i believe the most streamed song of all time which is extraordinary because it's basically a summer song it's a feel-good song absolutely so the So the equivalent is if in 2002 Robbie Williams had done guest vocals on My Neck, My Back, My Pussy and My Crack, isn't it? Which is unthinkable. How does it go?

It goes... I think that's blue. It sounds a bit like that song, was it? Amy MacDonald. now though i mean there's a tune that's being replicated there i mean just saying i'm struggling to see it but i want to i want to just for you martin have you not heard this song at all i've never heard this song it's banned on malaysian public radio and television because of its filthy lyrics that's probably why i haven't heard it i saw that story in the sun and they put as the headline this song has been banned in malaysia and branded un-islamic porn and i was thinking

what is islamic porn because if that is a niche, someone needs to invest, there's money to be made. But I only know this is a thing, Martin, because I heard the piece on the Today programme in which Gemma Kearney explained to older listeners like me that it was a thing. So I've only heard that it is a thing through the years of Michelle Hussain.

I've not actually sought out the song. Yeah, that's how they're meant to be enjoyed. Well, I was just depressed that that's how I found out about it because in the old days I would have, I'd have already been gallivanting to it. You'd have been living it large,

wouldn't you? Yeah, I would. In Ibiza. I'd be slapping arses to it. Your arse or someone else's? Well, mostly my own. I could tell you some of the lyrics

and you can decide whether they are really for me. I would like to hear it in rendition in your voice because I imagine it's quite different from the Justin Bieber

interpretation. It's in Spanish but in English, amongst the lyrics are, I want to undress you in kisses slowly, firmly in the walls of your labyrinth setting themselves up as minotaurs which is vivid. Unless that's a

reference to ducks having really complicated vaginas. It could be, maybe it's a love song to a duck. Explain the duck. It's a biological fact. Understood. Explain how you came up with the word duck from those lyrics about labyrinths. Exploring someone's l the duck oh it's it's a biological fact understood explain how you came up with the word duck from those lyrics about labyrinths exploring someone's labyrinth it sounds sort of vaguely sexual doesn't it yes how did you equate that to a duck has a labyrinthine vagina yeah women have quite straightforward vaginas don't they relatively relative to a duck

ergo must be singing to a duck yes okay just thought i should translate that for everyone thank you it's a valuable service. And of your body... It's that easy humour, isn't it? The wits are such a winning combination. You translate Martin for the rest of the world. And of your body, I want to create a manuscript. Like vellum. Yeah, like vellum. People did used to write on skin. So

it's just in the grand tradition of writing implements. Up, up, up, up. I want to see your hair dance. Your hair dance? That's nice. I want to be your rhythm. your hair dance yeah that's nice i want to be your rhythm want to show you my mouth it's right there on the front of his face it's the place where the song comes out the lyric that i found odd was we will do it on the beach in puerto rico till the waves scream dear lord so that my seal stays with you do you are you thinking seal is in the aquatic mammal or seal like a seal

on a letter made out of sealing wax i assume the latter but it does conjure up in english doesn't it we're going to have such a good shag that the sea life will want to join in yeah i think a more sinister lyric is let me trespass your danger zones until i make you scream and you forget your last name what well that means through ecstasy doesn't it yeah but it doesn't mean through date rape i don't think trespass yes sure i want to trespass your danger zones until you forget your last trespass with permission can you that's true do you think when justin bieber's been singing this recently at night clubs and can't remember the spanish lyrics so he literally goes blah blah blah dorito do you think that's endearing and funny or do you think it's another notch in the bedpost of bieber being

an absolute arrogant little shit who's got the massive number one single and can't even be bothered to learn the spanish lyric can i think both yes yes you can i didn't think you would i think both because i think that is real tool behavior but also i think it's quite funny it's strangely honest a lot of us english speakers know that in that situation it may befall us too and we would take the worst way out but the important thing is despacito if you learn nothing else from today's episode that means slowly slowly so basically it's let me fuck you slowly isn't it really that's basically it let me trespass slowly yeah till the sail comes along slowly because seals they can't run. They can't swim pretty fast. I got a question.

Email your question to AnswerMeThisPodcast at GoogleMail.com AnswerMeThisPodcast at GoogleMail.com AnswerMeThisPodcast at GoogleMail.com AnswerMeThisPodcast at GoogleMail.com So retrospective, what historical events are we ticking off on this week's run of Today in History? On Monday, we bring you the real story of the mutiny on the bounty.

On Tuesday, the anniversary of the day somebody invented the meatball, but who? On Wednesday, the iconic British car that ripped off an iconic American car. On Thursday, how American airlines invented air miles. And on Friday, the UFO sighting that gripped colonial America. We discuss this and more on Today in History with The Retrospectors. Ten minutes each weekday, wherever you get your podcasts. A question of theatre now now from Charlotte from Kent. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, a question of theatre.

Charlotte from Kent says, I've just been to see 42nd Street at the Drury Lane Theatre. It was great. But as always seems to happen when I go to the theatre, the lead was played by the understudy. That happens to me all the time as well. Is it the matinees thing? No, I went to see the evening performance of Memphis and I got the understudy that happens to me all the time is it the matinees thing no i went

to see the evening performance of memphis and i got the understudy instead of killian donnelly and it happened this week when oh god we haven't talked about this i've finally been to see bat out of hell the musical yay yes rock and roll dreams come true i was worried because um i said to you when i saw that it was on are you going to go and do this you'd made such a fuss about it on this show uh and for 20 i mean ever since going pubic I've been saying there needs to be that and yet you said well I don't want to go unless someone heard the show and gives me free tickets yeah it wasn't that I didn't want to go it was that I didn't want to book tickets until I tried desperately to hit strongly on this show that someone involved with bat out of hell could get

me a free ticket and I tried really hard and the closest I got was someone who's in the chorus tweeted me and said, Hey, Ollie, I'm in Bat Out of Hell the musical. And I thought, that's pretty cool. Well, that's nice. But with respect, I don't need another friend. I want someone who's in the press office and get me a free ticket. He's not here to make friends. I never got a free ticket.

So I bought them. Good for you. I'm glad because I thought you would hold off until it had gone. No, no, I couldn't miss the opportunity because it was only on for two months in London It was absolutely epic Oh fab. Oh my god. Flying motorcycles? So as you know

what I've always said about Out of Hell Musical is that they need to do the monologue at the beginning of Everything Louder Than Everything Else from Best Out of Hell 2 and they need a bike on fire. Those were my two things. I'd give an example of what the show would be like.

The show literally opens with the monologue from the beginning of Everything Louder Than Everything Else. Then they set fire to a bike. That's the opening of the show. And you said they've listened to my dreams. I literally turned to my friend Ben, who I went with, who's also a Meatloaf fan, and was like, I'm happy. I'm done.

So did you just go home after the first five minutes? I could have. I've seen a lot of shows in my life. Yes. And there are some stage effects. No spoilers here, but there are some stage effects in that show that I've never seen anywhere else, including Vegas Spectaculars and all the rest of it.

Wow. Genuinely breathtaking effects. Do they do objects in the rearview mirror? Martin, they do fucking everything. It's amazing. They do the full-length objects in the rearview mirror. I can't believe you took me to a verbatim musical about kids' company. Yeah, we went to a very different musical, Martin and I,

earlier in the week. We went to see a show in which Camilla Buckman-Gellich and Al Nientob were portrayed singing and dancing in the Palace of Westminster. Do you think anyone else saw both of those in the same week? I don't think even the same theatre critic from The Guardian would be dispatched to both those shows. Anyway, as it turned out, because later, I couldn't be bothered to buy the programme because it was like a tenner.

So later I went Googling to see who was involved in everything. And as it turned out, the guy that I saw playing the main part, Rat or Prat or something he's called. Raisin loaf. He wasn't the main Prat. He was the alternate. So he wasn't the understudy, but he's the guy who only does it twice a week one matinee one evening and i saw him oh so there's like an official system there for the main person not to do it every time i guess probably just to rest his voice or something yeah because i mean singing those songs is pretty full-on he was brilliant they often are yes charlotte continues ollie

answer me this how does being an understudy work does the understudy feature in the chorus if they're not playing the lead often yeah and if so the understudy feature in the chorus if they're not playing the lead? Often, yeah. And if so, what happens to their role in the chorus when they are the lead? Is everyone's part understudied? It can be in really big shows, yes. So swing is what they call it. That's the theatrical term for these big Western musicals.

If you're swing, that means you're in the chorus, but also typically you're an understudy for one of the leads. And they'll have first second and third choice covers so the third cover basically never goes on as the lead they go on if the first or second choice cover is playing the lead right so they're leveled up that the swing normally plays yeah which is the chorus thing yeah exactly so usually that person who's like third tier doesn't get to go on stage at all i see yeah but if the show's not that big uh if the show's just an average western musical then yes it'll be someone from the chorus that's understanding the main part and no as far as i can work out it's usually very last minute if someone's chronically ill and can't go on it might just

be an hour before as far as i can work out very often they get by with five backing dancers rather than six or whatever and i suppose they're just you, actors quite like a challenge, don't they? They quite like ad-libbing around things. You know, makes a performance different, doesn't it? And they just battle on through it, I guess. It spices it up if you're doing the same thing for a year. Yeah, exactly. There must be, I mean, a chorus is sort of, by definition,

a bunch of people, isn't it? But on the other hand, there must be situations in which you need an even number. Like there's symmetric stuff going on or there's dancing pairs bibbing it through an opening. Spotlights being thrown on the stage and there's no one in it, you know. Yeah, right.

Yeah, but I guess again that's the kind of thing that actors get quite excited to deal with at the last minute You can imagine all the technicians

getting off on it as well can't you If there's no one to fill your spotlight that'll be the hairy arse bloke going oh well I remember in 1988

I can play Sandy from Grease But if it's a drama for example not a musical if you're understudying Zoee wanamaker or something in the glass menagerie they've sold the show on the basis it's got a big star in it

half the audience is going to be disappointed when they announce she's not there but someone needs to go on yeah and if the show is big enough that it costs that much they've got a star they will have an understudy who's not part of the show because they don't have a chorus in a tennessee williams play um so there'll there'll be someone basically who every night goes to the theater and has to sit there till the half till the interval to be sure that the star can go on for the second half so that sometimes happens if the star injures their foot in scene two yeah the understudy goes on suddenly as the part yeah my mum saw i think mcbeth or julius caesar were halfway through they were replaced by the understudy because they'd had some horrific vomiting attack.

We went to see a matinee at the National, which was all of the understudies getting to play the main parts because our friend was in it. They were all great. They were all great. But then, of course, we didn't see the people who were supposed to be in it doing it. Who would want to when you'd seen the understudies knocking it out of the park? And a few of the people in that were the main people.

So presumably they didn't have understudies for everybody. I wonder what the average rate is of understudies getting to perform in, say, the West End. A couple a year? Again, I think it depends on the show. And Martine McCutcheon-ness. That was an exceptional thing, wasn't it? Well, it wasn't.

It wasn't. I mean, that does happen. What happened with Martine McCutcheon? Martine McCutcheon was ill halfway through the big West End transfer of My Fair Lady. For which she'd won Olivier Awards and all the rest of it. But halfway through the big West End transfer of My Fair Lady. Oh, OK. For which she'd won Olivier Awards and all the rest of it. But she was not in it more than she was in it.

Yeah, exactly. So people were very angry. But apparently her understudy was amazing, kind of built a career off it, didn't she? Well, and the same, I think, in One Man, Two Governors. I think that was James Corden's understudy who effectively ended up being the next person to get the part. Right. Or certainly did the touring production or something. And now they've got their sights set on carpool karaoke, I bet.

So, yeah, that does happen. I think if you're understudying a big role, so for example, if you're the understudy for the Phantom in Phantom of the Opera, at some point, if you're there for a year, you will get to play Phantom because that's a very demanding role and the guy will be ill at some point in a year.

Yeah, laryngitis or want a holiday or whatnot. It depends on the reliability of the lead. I mean, there must be big stars, maybe not less not less now but big stars who are also like piss heads who you know fall off the stage and or just don't turn up for gigs you know every couple of nights so i think i think actually the ones who understudy the big star parts do get to go on it's the ones who are second choice probably the best they're going to get is they'll understudy the chorus whilst the guy from the chorus is understudying the main part and they'll get short notice and some theater companies have a policy that they can't tell people on social media they're doing it as well oh because people won't turn up

yeah or they'll ask for their tickets back or you know they don't want to signpost the fact that's why usually they've now stopped making that announcement you know they used to say in today's performance of greece the part of Danny will be played by Mr. Whatever. They now tend to just put, like, an Unremarkable A4 poster up in the foyer that you might see, but might easily miss. That must be pretty annoying. I mean, if you don't have pre-warning,

you sit down, the lights go down, and you go, I'm really excited to see Sheridan Smith, and it's not Sheridan Smith, and, you know, that must be really frustrating. Really hard for the actor as well, because they've got to go on and knock their socks off to that. That immediate wave of disappointment. Do people ask for their money back?

Look, I paid for Sheridan Smith. And they can. I think with that kind of star casting it's reasonable. I mean, when you're talking massive stars, I mean, Kevin Spacey at the Old Vic, you're paying four times as much for a ticket, aren't you? No one wants to see a show about a fucking boring lawyer from Chicago, do they? I've gone to see Kevin Spacey,

so if it's not him then you you're going to, you know, think twice, aren't you? Have you ever made that decision? Have you ever gone, I only really wanted to see this performer? No, like I say, my experience with understudies is generally pretty good

and I'm always impressed with how they perform. Often you might not even notice that you've got one. Yeah. If you haven't bought the programme, see that, their little headshot. Accents is often a giveaway. If it's a Broadway show and it's a British actor doing an American accent, they've got the singing and the dancing routines down pat

they haven't had time to work out the talking accent oh my god you just reminded me not an understudy a star jane asher an american in paris is the worst french accent i've heard it's like someone doing a low hello you cannot believe that it's a professional i was pissing by it is really like that and I don't know if it's supposed to be a style because the thing's kind of you know a slightly cartoonish

dreamy thing you know it's an idealised version of Paris it's almost a little shit out of a French person coming to see that it just insults

everyone's intelligence I was absolutely gobsmacked by how bad it was yeah stick to the cakes Jane like the point in a play halfway through where the lights come up and you all go and buy an ice cream, it is time for the intermission. Well, the understudy for a

brand new episode of Answer Me This is, of course, the Answer Me This album collection. If you're waiting in between new episodes, you can always delve into our delicious archive. Or, like Desposito, the soundtrack to your summer is the Answer Me This Holiday. Correct.

We got Justin Bieber to drop in and cover a question. Of all the albums that we've recorded, and there are five, obviously Holiday is the one that's arguably best suited to August. I would argue that. I'd say Christmas is best suited to December. Yes, I would, yeah. I'd say Holiday, you can take Holidays many other times of the year. Yeah, you can, but I'd still think if you're going to pick the ultimate month, like most people go on an annual summer holiday about now.

Now's the time. If you're packing your bags, sun cream, condoms, inflatables, answer me this holiday. You could use the condoms as an inflatable. Yes, but don't use the inflatables as condoms. That's very important. Anyway, remember to pack answer me this holiday with you. It weighs nothing because it's an mp3 it's not adding to your luggage exactly it is a one hour long uh exclusive album which means to qualify the word exclusive that means we will never put it out on

the free feed you cannot hear it anywhere unless you buy it just this little bit of it and you can get answer me this holiday and all of our other albums and episodes 1 to 200 from AnswerMeThisStore.com And remember, by buying the albums, you're supporting the show. Here's a question about zoos now. Another popular thing to see when you are on holiday. This one comes from Marie, who says, There are two giant pandas in Edinburgh Zoo, and it seems they are not willing, or able, to mate.

So the female panda has been artificially inseminated. So, Helen, answer me this. How do they collect the panda sperm? Do they put him, the panda, into a side room with a magazine containing pics of female pandas in crotchless knickers? Oh, come on. How would a panda turn the pages? They've got big paws. Or, she

continues, does a poor young work experience fellow have to perform rhythmic movements on the male panda's member to induce ejaculation? No. Oh, good. How do they do it then? Well, they do it with a process called electroejaculation. No.

An electroejaculator has a cylindrical probe with longitudinal probes sticking off of it. So I imagine it looking kind of like a toilet brush, but made of electricals. I know that they're an endangered species and I know that people love them. However, people love them because they're cute. If a type of stick insect was also facing extinction,

no one would be whacking off stick insects for 40 minutes using propofol, would they? I think if a naked mole rat was going extinct, I could probably live with that. Because they look like a penis with teeth. They're really horrible yellow teeth. That's many people's nightmare. Yeah, they're really terrifying.

Not even clean teeth. They're really dirty, foided creatures. Time for a question from Jonah, who says, I love to play board games. Aww. Wait, is that sweet? It seems like an innocent pursuit these days. It is innocent, yes.

I love to play board games. Not your run-of-the-mill, mostly chance-based games like Monopoly. Boo, Monopoly, boo. But the nerdy strategy ones like Settlers of Catan. Catan? And Carcassonne. Carcassonne. Carcassonne.

Are they the ones where you build soldiers and stuff? I don't know about Catan. Carcassonne, you build roads. Yeah, i don't know i think uh you build like infrastructure it's all about infrastructure build infrastructure yes what a great and then you become a town planner you have to go to a lot of meetings uh jonah continues i used to have plenty of opportunities to play with friends now they won't answer my texts now i have three young children and like most other things my board game life now revolves around them lucky for me my kids love to play board games too chips off the old block and i've managed to teach them the mechanics of some of my favorites so that we

can play together that's nice because these are quite cooperative games that you like because i mean there's a reason that monopoly is a popular one and that's because although it seems complex when you're seven it's fairly straightforward. And also because people are horrible little capitalists. That too but I mean the games that I was interested in learning when I was six and seven were the ones that I could master fairly quickly. I mean I wanted a bit of a challenge let's say half an hour's worth of challenge. If you've managed to teach your kids to play a logistically complicated game then well done to you. You either want to grasp the rules quickly or have a very complicated board set up like Mousetrap.

Trouble is, continues Jonah, whilst my children may have learned the rules of these games, they are understandably far from having mastered the complex strategy involved. Morons! Which is what makes it so fun for me to play. When I play with them, I adjust the way I play a little in order to be more inclusive and keep things moving along. But I don't let them win on purpose as that feels condescending

and I want them to be able to beat me on their own merits which won't be possible until they're much older. Wasn't there a sketch where there was this super competitive dad who always had to win in the fast show or something like that? yes it was the first show i think yeah so i can't adjust my gameplay too much because i must win well i get this because i've seen this from the other side because obviously i i would win any game that i played against my 18 month old son at the moment i don't know if the game is dropping banana on the floor i think he's more committed to it than you are but i remember playing chess with my dad so my dad taught me chess when i was about seven and i carried on playing chess with him till i was about 18 wow and never once as far as i recall

did i beat him and he wasn't very good at it i just wasn't very good i'm just not very good at chess well also someone who's not very good at chess taught you so maybe you weren't taught very well yeah maybe i think i just got bored quickly like i couldn't do the strategic thinking thing yeah i actually once got really upset with my dad i think i was about 16 we were on holiday we were playing chess in a hotel bar and uh i lost and i was 16 and hormonal so i got upset with him i was like oh you're so annoying i don't know why um and this kind of kindly old man in the chair next to us who'd been listening to the game whilst and I was 16 and hormonal so I got upset with him. I was like, oh, you're so annoying. I don't know why. And this kind of kindly old man in the chair next to us who'd been listening to the game whilst we were playing sort of sat up and turned around and said to me,

I'd give anything to be able to have a game of chess with my father again. And I was like, fuck you, old man. Like, I'm having a moment here. How dare you intervene with my hormonal moment? Do you feel that now though? no no he was right of course although do you think if I could spend any time with Stanley again it would not be at the chessboard

it wouldn't be losing at chess what do you think you would do? I'd probably go to a Greek restaurant that he liked that sounds better so continues Jonah, Helen answer me this how much should I change my strategy when I'm playing with my children? I want them to have fun playing with me and foster their love of gaming, but I also don't want to

dumb it down for them. I also think they learn best when they watch an experienced player and will eventually figure out the more complicated strategies for themselves. They're learning from the best. But last week, one of them asked me, Daddy, why do you win all the time and i couldn't think of a good answer outside of some dismissive reply about having lived on this planet more than them that is a good answer i mean that is the answer this game for 30 years you've been playing it for two when you're a child i think that's fine okay full of more complex thoughts a new little one yeah it's difficult because you want them to not be discouraged so that they give up. However, if you don't dumb it down too much, then when they do beat you, as they inevitably will,

learning from you and then surpassing you as children and want to do, then it will be all the sweeter for them. It will really feel like a meaningful achievement, won't it? Yeah, but they might just get bored of it. I mean, you played till you were 18, but after they've been playing you for two years, they might just be like, this is a boring game. We never win.

Well, I mean, this is a nerdy game as well. and i get that they don't think it's nerdy at the moment but i think the key to keeping them on side when they get older and they realize that it is in fact quite nerdy is that they think back and have fond memories of it being fun to play and i think if you make it not fun yeah but make it too challenging as soon as it's not fun then it's not going to be nostalgic in the future when your kids are older and they realize that actually this was quite a geeky thing that used to do together you know what you want basically is christmas day 2037 the kids bring around the grandkids and you will sit and play warriors of kubar or whatever it was called and if that happens that will be for nostalgia it won't be because they probably i mean they might

still love playing a very complex game they might still love the game but probably they'll think oh dad's a bit of a nerd he taught us this thing but it's this nostalgic fun thing we do every christmas we recreate that so you don't want to make it not fun if you've got the opportunity to keep it fun keep it fun now am i reading into it that jon Jonah wants his kids to get used to failure because you have to in the world, but also doesn't want to make them jaded by failure before they've even really got to grips with something? Wow.

I think there is that philosophical question wrapped up in this, yes. Therefore, I suggest to you, you play a variety of different games with them and ones that they can win, like Hungry Hippos. Connect Four. Thing is, I love connect for and i'll play it with the savagery that would surprise any of you but if you play things that you don't mind losing and also kids are good at like those games like mousetrap and hungry hippos and marble run

and whatever games that involve almost total chance yeah or physical skill of a niche kind yeah or just you're too old to quite understand what they're about. And alternate those with some rounds of Carcassonne and Catan. That means they are used to winning some, so they don't just associate losing with board games because they win some board games. It's probably not possible with chess, although there are ways you can do it, but a handicap, make the game more difficult for yourself, make it more difficult for you to win. Is that possible with Carcassonne and games like that?

I don't know. I don't know those games well enough, but most games, if it's, I don't know, if it's card-based, you have fewer cards. If it's turn-based, you skip some turns, or you have a greater likelihood of, I don't know, you start with less money, or whatever the thing is. You can make it harder for yourself and still make it a bit fun, because you're...

So you're handicapping yourself, but you're empowering your children, rather than making it too easy for them. Well, it happens in golf, doesn't it? You have a handicap in golf. Why can't you do that in cox? I see. So your children, that's not a bad suggestion.

Your children, if they won against you, which they still might not, but if your children did win in that scenario, they'd win by playing the game straight, not by playing a specially censored easy version. But you're playing an extra hard version, which might stimulate you as well. So it's still fun for you, because although you're not playing against, I mean, strategic geniuses,

you're doing so with a very small capacity. But Jonah says, I think they learn best when they watch an experienced player and eventually figure out the more complicated strategies for themselves. Yes, but that forces you to improvise. If you play,

a good player can play well with a small set of resources. Oh God, it's so boring, isn't it? He might still win. Do my suggestion, it was easier. Then you get to play Hungry Hippos. He might still win, but at least it's a challenge for him as well as for the kids.

I'm guessing you did Warhammer and shit like that when you were a teenager. A bit, yeah. Well, quite a lot. I've seen pictures of you when you were 16. I didn't exactly play it as much as paint miniatures badly. As much as live the life. Yeah, build beautiful landscapes.

Which is fine. Which is fine. That's what 16-year-old nerds are for, isn't it? But I just now, I like the fact that it's become acceptable and mainstream enough for people to just be honest about what they're into. The thing I really like is board games. I'm going to go to one of those board games cafes and have a cup of coffee

and spend all day playing the Battle of Sugu. Fine. But when friends who are into that try and get me into it, it's really hard to just tell the truth and say this is so boring i don't want to learn these rules life is hard enough without learning more rules especially fake ones about medieval french carcass something i don't need that in my brain you know what's really boring hang around with drunk adults when you're sober i'd rather play a board game we were in paris in may and we were staying just up the road from

a board games cafe we went past on a friday night and it seemed full of young people men and women on dates playing warhammer type games yeah i mean like i say it's nice for them that those places exist but the problem is when they they try and get me into it hands off why are all yas fan sites just about one thing? The only way is up is not the only song she sings What about Abandon Me, One True Woman or Good Thing? Going a single from 96 You should make your own Yaz site to fill in the gaps

Since you seem to think all the current Yaz sites are crap Go to squarespace.com, build your Yaz site and put Yaz back on the map. The only way is up. Thanks very much to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of Answer Me This. Yeah, thanks guys. You're the best.

You're the best drag and drop template building website that I use regularly. That is out of the field of squarespace and none other but then why would you bother with not the best once you've tried the best ignore the rest why go out for a burger when you've got a steak at home and also especially when the burger doesn't sponsor podcasts essentially squarespace make your website beautiful no you do it you do it you still have ultimate responsibility they're enablers as healthily yeah the squarespace don't force you to do things you're not comfortable with no no but squarespace is your easy to use tool for creating the website that you want yes without too much trouble that's right yeah that

got there in the end um and also they sponsor podcasts they sponsor this one so thanks yeah and the way that you can both use their excellent service and get 10 off your first year subscription and tell them to continue supporting this podcast is to go to squarespace.com have a two-week free trial but then when you want to sign up for a year use our discount code answer here's a question from rosa who says helen answer me this what is the proper reason to pull the passenger alarm on the tube. The reasons are, broadly, if there is someone in danger or causing danger to others. So if someone's taken ill

or they're stuck inside the door, like dangling halfway out the door, so if you go into a tunnel, their arm will be ripped off, or there's a crime happening, there are biohazards, such as puke or blood on the train, there's a lost child.

There's vandalism taking place. Lost child. Now that's an interesting one. Because actually I probably with that would speak to the child and then take them myself out at the next station and give them to someone in control. But if you'd lost the child. Oh, because they've just run off at the last station.

Maybe you don't want them to run off when you get to a station. I don't know. I just read that is a valid reason. However, a lot of the time they advise you to wait until the train is in a station so that help can get onto the train or assist people to get off the train and there is a fine for improper use where people will do it because they left their book on the station platform and then the train took off or because the train's delayed and they're angry or because they forgot to

get off at the last stop yeah those are all bad reasons don't pull it for those i was on a slam door train once you know the old-fashioned kind in the 90s and this is the only time i've seen it be pulled in front of my face and one of the doors was open and they were like oh should we pull the cord should we pull the cord it's quite exciting isn't it well i think deciding whether or not to pull the cord no one was in danger of falling out that door of the train i think they just wanted to see what happened what happens is the train sat in a siding for ages whilst the driver walked through the whole train to see where the alarm was coming from and what was the matter oh he can't just talk or she i guess can't just talk to the people concerned i think now more likely you could but not every train has that capability i'm trying to remember

now whether i communicated with the driver or not because i've pulled it i've pulled it yeah was it exciting or dreadful well it well both because real emergencies aren't so exciting exactly that's the truth of it it was it was like heart pounding and afterwards I had to call my friend Nick who I was with and like have a debrief for about two hours on the phone because we had this post-traumatic kind of did that just happen to us so what it was we were on the train after a few drinks on a overground or underground train tube train and there was i would describe as like a funny drunk on the train so he was an old man with a red face white hair and he was snoring like that and he'd obviously been drinking his breath's amount of alcohol he had his head perched

up against the side and if there was any acknowledgement of the fact he was there at all, it was that thing of, should we wake him up and tell him that his stop might be about to come? Or probably not because he's drunk. You don't want to have that conversation. Or the kind of English awkwardness of kind of, ho, ho, ho,

there's this man making this obnoxious noise and everyone's ignoring it and pretending it isn't happening. Yeah, had this on the very train to get to you today. Right, okay. Same situation. Yeah. So that had happened.

And I was sitting next to him. And then at some point he kind of went... And stopped making noise. And I was drunk. I noted it. But I'm not going to do anything about it because I'm sitting next to him. All the same reasons as before. English reserve.

Don't want to be embarrassed. And I was about to get off two want to be embarrassed and i was about to get off two stops later so when i was about to get off because i thought well i'm leaving the train now so i might as well see what happens i lent over to him and prodded him excuse me sir and he didn't move and because somewhere in the back of my head i thought to myself this is awful but i had i thought to myself, there's a chance he's dead, but I don't want to deal with that. Like I hadn't consciously thought it. I said out loud to Nick, I think he might be dead. But because I'd thought it, but no one else on the train had,

there was this reaction where there were these girls, tourists opposite us who had been having a jolly time. And I'd never seen like the color drain from someone's face so quickly and they all nearly fainted and started screaming because now they know the tube is going to be late yeah well they thought they were trapped on a train with a dead person um so at that point we had that discussion of oh should we pull the cord should we pull the cord and there was that moment of sort of excitement but of course we did pull the cord and then someone at the other end of the carriage heard us and it was a doctor and he did the classic i'm a doctor i'll sort this out kind of thing and he came up and he ripped the guy's jacket off to do cpr and this shouldn't

have changed how i saw it but it did i'm afraid when he ripped the guy's jacket open i saw he had a dog collar on he was a priest he was still a drunk old man who happened to be a priest but the fact that i thought oh he's a man of god and he was a priest. He was still a drunk old man who happened to be a priest. But the fact that I thought, oh, he's a man of God and he's really important to a lot of people. Or he was coming back from a fancy dress party. He looked like a priest. Once you knew it was a priest, you were like, okay, it's an Irish priest.

He was that kind of looking guy. I was like, oh shit. Like, not that I've let him die, but Christ, there's a priest next to me. And I've not only had I in the back of my head logged something was wrong and waited 30 seconds to do something about it. Did you feel complicit then because you hadn't tried to wake him up earlier? Yeah, of course, because it was just embarrassment and awkwardness that hadn't done anything.

But then, you know, the guy was doing CPR and then we got to the station. And like, actually, very, very British thing. Everyone's really reserved and really awkward about doing anything. And then as soon as there's an actual emergency, even pissed people are like hands-on everyone's really good although that said there were a few city boys who were like running onto the train which of course hadn't led the platform for five minutes and then when people were saying actually there's a man been taken ill on the train they were like fuck's sake yeah londoners have no sympathy when death interferes with the transport so what happened well when we left the station they'd revived him

they had they had i think probably he'd had a heart attack or something right and that's what the transport. So what happened? Well, when we left the station they'd revived him. They had? They had. I think probably he'd had a heart attack or something. Right. And that's what we heard. Wow. He effectively died in his sleep and they brought him back to life because we acted fairly quickly. I mean, it was probably a minute. He was probably dead for a minute. Here's a question from Steffi, who is a teacher in Bristol.

Ollie, answer me this. Why are apples considered an appropriate gift for a teacher? I didn't know they were. You didn't? No. I only know that they were from cartoons and conventions, never from real life. When you say conventions, you don't mean you went to a teacher's gift convention.

Well... No, an apple convention. I bet that happens at, you know, Caesar's Palace once every five years. Because there are novelty gifts that you can buy specifically for teachers but i meant more as a trope in tv and stuff like that the reason you may have seen it in telly is because it appears to be an american tradition so obviously it's made its way to steffi and bristol um but it is an american tradition in early america teachers in the frontiers were often subsidized by the families obviously because there was no wage because there was no government

and so it was literally a way of feeding them. So the children of farmers did used to bring apples from the harvest to give struggling teachers. And was the teacher like, I can't eat another fucking apple. Can you bring me a potato? Just anything. I think they were grateful. However, this is the interesting part about this.

The phrase apple polisher then became an insult. Had you ever heard that word before? Yes, I had. Go on, what context you ever heard that word before? Yes I had Go on what context had you heard that? Does it mean like a suck up? Yeah A teacher's pet Yeah

And here are the lyrics to Bing Crosby's 1939 hit An apple for the teacher I'm dreaming of a shiny apple An apple for the teacher will always do the trick When you don't know your lesson in arithmetic Ugh An apple for the teacher will always do the trick when you don't know your lesson in arithmetic. An apple for the teacher will meet with great success if you forgot to memorise the Gettysburg Address, etc. It's a whole song about apple polishing.

That sounds pretty smooth. Just bring an apple for the teacher and you'll get out of jail free is essentially the implication of the song. So I think for some people in the States, it became something that was uh seen as a quite declassé thing to do but obviously it's made its way over here my mum used to be a teacher and she would come home with gifts at the end of term and never really anything good what was the

best and what was the worst well i think at best it was some quality street oh Jesus, that's shit, isn't it? It is shit. And the worst, fridge magnets with inspirational slogans on. I mean, again, if no one had ever seen a world's best teacher fridge magnet, that would be a great present. There was a really weird parent of one of the students who kept giving my mum presents throughout the year. Was it a romantic approach, do you think? I don't know. It was imbalanced, though.

I mean, my mum is a very lovable woman, but she think? I don't know. It was imbalanced though. I mean, my mum is a very lovable woman, but she always makes the boundaries very clear. The most popular gift for teachers on johnlewis.com is two gin balloon glasses. Is that just a balloon shaped glass from which you can drink gin? Yes, it's just a glass. It's something somehow that has become

categorised as gifts for teacher. I suppose because it's a tenner. I suppose a lot of parents are like, what's £9.99 and from John Lewis? Two gin balloon glasses. Better than tea towels, I suppose. Yeah, exactly. Some of the American blogs I've been looking at, and there have been these kinds of

you know, sort of homely, crafty mums doing blogs about... Make your own soy candles in a mason jar for teacher. And some of them are quite sweet. One of the suggestions was that all the parents get together buy 10 gift vouchers so one for pottery barn one for starbucks and then you mount it on a piece of paper and you make it look like individual flowers in a pot and then you write on it thanks for helping me grow oh god it's awful but also at the end of the day it's 80 quid's worth of vouchers so he or she is probably gonna be happy

why not make a bouquet out of dollar bills? One of the ones. It's the question line. It's the question line. 0-2-0-8 1-2-3-8-1-2-3-5-8-double-7. Answer me this. Shh.

Answer me this. I don't know nothing. Such a palaver. It's a question line. It's a question line. 0-2-0-8-1-2-3-5-8-double. The question line. It's the question line. 0, 2, R, 8, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 9, 10, 11. Here's a question from Josh from Exeter who says, I photographed a wedding last year where the ring bearer bit a big chunk out of a guest's lip.

The ring bearer being a dog. Okay, I'm glad that was qualified. And the guest had to be taken to A&E. Ollie, answer me this. Is it morally wrong to photograph this situation? Or would I be considered a bad photographer for missing the decisive moment? To add a bit of extra context, the dog was pretty cute. Right, but he doesn't tell us whether or not he took the picture.

The question is just, would it be morally wrong to photograph it? You've got to. Obviously, you've got to get the picture. That is the picture that everyone would want to see. But if you are thinking morally, you can pretend you were doing it for evidence. I would think that your first instinct as a photojournalist of sorts is to take the picture regardless. Totally. I mean, perhaps you do it in a slightly concealed way.

It's not going to make a difference to the guest who's had a chunk taken out of their lip if you did or didn't. No, I mean, as you say, if they notice it, they might think, oh, that's useful. I've got some evidence here that this happened. Yeah, and the dog should be prosecuted. Although I suppose if that element is coming into the wedding, I suppose this is the issue, isn't it?

And this, I'm guessing, Josh, you face all the time as a wedding photographer, is at the end of the evening, you've probably seen enough drunk bridesmaids snogging each other and thought, oh, well, that would be a great stock photo. But I guess you resist, don't you? Because you think, I'm their private client. I can't take pictures which I know would sell elsewhere, even if they are amazing. So I suppose the real market for a picture of a dog biting off someone's lip

is probably the sun on the mirror isn't it really you know, couple's magic day ruined by ring bearer biting off someone's lip you were taking this much further than I thought I was just thinking if I were in that couple would you want that souvenir photo I think I would

the memorable things from my wedding are not necessarily I think I would. The memorable things from my wedding are not necessarily... Was it when the dog bit someone's face off? No. I think the dog went to stay somewhere else that day. Was it when Martin bit your face off? It was when our friend Karishma, she's a small lady with big dance moves,

and she kicked a pint out of someone's hand and then glared at him for having the temerity to have a pint in his hand i mean i find that more memorable than just people dancing yeah so you'd like that picture even though perhaps karishma wouldn't feel that that was her in her best light the pint glass flying into the air of course i would a friend of ours wanted to um break into the field of conflict photography and because it's very difficult to break into because i guess you're going to be shipped around the world um he went out and took photographs on oxford's george street which was a

sort of place where people went drinking on a saturday night so he took photos of conflict there so imagine if you were taking the photographs but not wishing to sell them but doing it for your own training it's completely legitimate to say between wedding photography and photography he's talking about morals and you're talking about the intention being important at the time the picture's taken. If the picture turns out to be amazing, do your morals then get trumped?

I don't know what the moral quotient is unless it's a choice between taking the photograph or preventing the dog biting somebody. Yeah, but there's other people there to do that.

And you are there to take photos. That's your role. Did you have a wedding photographer? I don't recall that you did. My brother Rick took photos. He's a really good photographer. We didn't have the kind of photos where people pose.

So I can well imagine that if Josh mainly has to take pictures of people lining up in different configurations and it's formal, then something as spontaneous as this, which I assume it was, would be quite refreshing as a wedding photographer. Yes, but actually that's clearer, isn't it? The issue is if the instruction hasn't been particularly clear. You know, if they've said we want documentary style photos and a few setups, then this clearly falls under documentary style photography. If they've said we just want cheesy couple photos, then I don't think it's your job to go around taking pictures of things that are happening verite.

I'd be pretty keen actually if anyone listening has a rogue wedding photo they would be willing to share with us oh yes that would be fun it's been a while since we shared funny pictures on our website and also send us your questions for future episodes via email or phone and skype and if you do call us we don't have a voicemail message anymore for reasons out of our control but we do receive your messages yes the number that's on our website is the number to call us we do get a lot of hang-ups now and not that many questions asked but persevere yes with the skype and the phone all of all of our contact details are at answer me this podcast.com also upon that website you will find links to follow us on facebook and twitter and to buy our classic episodes and albums and stuff lovely um on the answer me this store um

also have a listen to our other projects if you fancy i have the illusionist.org which is a jolly good podcast what a romp what a romp through language just back from a summer break which i mostly spent sewing patchwork what have you got on the show i imagine not an episode about patchwork at time of recording haven't decided yet excellent plug um if you listen to my show the modern man m-a-double-n it's a pun on my name uh you will wow i never got that before a power you will hear me interview a computer hacker who went to work for the men in black what not literally will smith and tommy jones you know the guys in suits yeah that's That's how he refers to them. He didn't say the government. He means the government.

Also, I speak to an MP about what life is like when you're a young person and you represent the public. Is it fucking terrible? The House of Commons has some pretty weird traditions in it, and he talks about that. And also, there's an Answer Me This listener who I've met recently, who tells the story of when he was involved in an armed police sting on his own property uh that's an episode called the accidental pimp you can probably guess what that's about uh but that's ian from dublin who who discovered the modern man through listening to answer me this first so hello ian hi and you can find all of that at modern man m-a-double-n.co.uk and finally

the climax martin your podcast so my song podcast.com we're talking about every tom white song in chronological order. Don't worry, you don't have to be a Tom Waits expert. But you'll become one. And we have a live show with our own Helen Zaltzman. Hi. And Judge John Hodgman. Well, actually, he technically won't be a judge for this.

He'll be a musical critic. Yeah, John Hodgman. On the 14th of September at the London Podcast Festival in King's Place. Where I'm also doing Live Illusionist and Bugle and a Rodotopia panel. So I'm going to be busy that weekend. Lots of opportunities to share a room with Helena Martin. But my parents will be around, so if you want to catch some

Zaltzmans in the wild, that's a good time. Also, remember, we put out a retro episode of Answer Me This midway through each month. It's only available for a month and you can only get it if you're subscribed to Answer Me This on an Rss gathering thing at the moment you're halfway through the month during which you can get answer me this episode 100 yes which is a live show from 2009 yes it's a it's a trip

down memory lane i think it is fair to say there's some great songs in it so get that and then return on the first Thursday of September For the next brand new Answer Me This Bye