Answer Me This! - AMT355: Shippers, Stoners and Subway Smell

Episode Date: October 5, 2017

In AMT355, we tackle the greatest mystery ever penned by Agatha Christie: why the hell is one of Miss Marple's murderees dining on a bowl of cornflour? We also learn about that smell that wafts out of every branch of Subway, fan fiction, and KFC (Kentucky Fried Lung). Find out more about this episode at . Send us questions for future episodes: email call 0208 123 5877, Skype answermethis. Tweet us http://twitter.com/helenandolly Facebook http://facebook.com/answermethis Subscribe on iTunes http://iTunes.com/AnswerMeThis Buy old episodes, albums and our Best Of compilations at Hear Helen Zaltzman's podcast The Allusionist at Olly Mann's The Modern Mann at and Martin Austwick's Song By Song at . Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

When did Pumpkin Spice Latte get kicked out of the Spice Girls? Answer me this, answer me this What is the velocity of Viennese whirls? Answer me this, answer me this Helen and Ollie, answer me this Last episode of Answer Me This got listener James very excited You could say it got him red and hot under the collar Sure, He says,

I was very excited to hear the mention of Red and Hot's Sichuan restaurant on Chelten Street on the podcast as I live two doors away. Martin's dream house. Red and Hot has only fairly recently moved from having a zero star out of five rating for food hygiene up to having three stars. Did you know that, Martin? Had you noticed? I've been there for years and I've never been ill. Ollie, answer me this.

What is investigated when these stars are awarded? And how is a restaurant allowed to still remain open if it has been awarded zero stars? And is there a legal requirement for putting the sticker in the window? I am presuming yes, because this place still proudly placed its zero star rating sticker right on its front door. So what is investigated when the Food Standards Agency

come to give you a star rating? A, the hygiene. So how's the food prepared? How's it cooked? Is it reheated? That kind of thing. B, the structure of the buildings and are they an appropriate place to make food

for the public consumption? You have to have the kitchen tiled up to a certain height of the wall, that kind of stuff. Exactly. And C, what's in place in terms of the management of the restaurant to ensure that if there are lessons to be learned they actually will be learned so in other words is there a line manager who can say we'll make sure that every chef is trained to stop doing this thing where they dip each crab in piss before

they put it in the soup or whatever so that's basically the three things they're looking for and to get five out of five you have to score highly in each of those categories. To score zero out of five, you have to do badly in all three of those things. So it is quite damning to get zero. I mean, one star, you can sort of understand why, you know, like a kebab shop or something where someone's being paid minimum wage to work there

and it's expected to be a fairly casual restaurant. You can imagine why they could easily get to one star. Zero stars, that is fairly damning. Is there a legal requirement for putting this sticker in the window saying you've got zero stars? No, there isn't, which actually speaks in favour, I think, of Red and Hot, although they may have been pleasantly surprised by zero stars

rather than minus one, because there is a level below zero stars as james alludes to which is shutting the restaurant down so the food standards agency on an inspection can shut the restaurant down if they think there is an immediate threat to the general public if they think your food is not safe by giving you zero stars they're at least saying well we kept them open on the day we arrived there was no pressing reason to close this restaurant down in the interest of public safety i feel the need to defend this restaurant. I mean, I've never got sick from anything I've eaten there

in all the years I've eaten there. When you go out to eat with Martin, he's like the canary down the mine. If he doesn't get food poisoning from a place, then it doesn't matter what the hygiene rating says. That place is clean. I've got really sensitive chitlins. So I'm going to get a set of Raisley.

Yes, so Martin actually recommending a restaurant in which raw meat is served. Yeah, low diarrhoea risk. That's five stars. Martin used to work at Westminster Council, where he was privy to the records for a lot of the Chinatown restaurants that we enjoyed. Past tense. Our favourite dim sum restaurant of the time had not distinguished itself in a very positive way.

Here's the thing. In a place like Chinatown, you've got tonnes and tonnes of food establishments. It's pretty much food, you know, restaurant, restaurant, restaurant, cafe, food shop, restaurant. Rodents. And once you clear them out of one place,

they kind of go to another place. So there's a constant cycle of like, it's a war against, you know, pests basically the whole time. So, you know, if you read somewhere that, like, seven years ago, your favourite Chinatown restaurant, someone was sat there eating dim sum and they saw a mouse run across the floor

and the waitress killed it with a high-heeled shoe. And then didn't pick it up. This is a specific quotation of what you read? This is... Actually, I don't know if I should be saying this. It's not a huge surprise. It did explain why it was frequently closed. Yes. I remember the place place and they did seem

to be under new management a lot. If you've got a strong stomach, unlike Martin, I would strongly recommend the Disgusting Things Found in Food slideshow on the Daily Star's website. Oh no. I couldn't cope with it. What was the most disgusting thing you could cope with seeing? There was a rasher of bacon that someone

found that still had a pig's nipple on it. I think if you're willing to eat a pig's flesh, then why discriminate against the nipples? No, but I know, but it's the surprise, isn't it? In a chicken nugget, there was a worm. And so, yes, you've chosen low quality chicken. You haven't chosen at that point to eat stuff out the ground. And yet, when I get my Abel and Cole box with some very muddy salad and there's a slug on it, I think, well, it's so fresh out the ground that the slug is still alive.

You're right. It's not that I'm pleased to see it, but it does seem almost a good sign. There was a bit of lung in a KFC chicken. I saw a lung in a KFC chicken. I had that in 2003 in the Brixton KFC after seeing The Streets at Brixton Academy. You went to see The Streets at Brixton Academy?

Yeah, I know. A friend of ours was in the band. He played keys. And he had a comp to see The Stre streets at Brixton Academy. Yeah, I know. A friend of ours was in the band. He played keys. And he had a comp to see the streets at Brixton Academy. He thought, I know who'd like this. Helen. I was really into the streets back then. Blow it down, Martin.

Do, do, do, do. Go and find a longing KFC. This is Murray from Edinburgh. I've just been on a date, a Tinder date, with a really extremely nice guy and i feel super positive but he looks exactly like my dad which um which i didn't realize at the tinder picture stage of events so yeah i just i just want to know is that is that like too creepy to continue with this stuff well i think there's one important question. How hot is your dad?

Nervous laughter. But there is this... Well, I was going to say sort of theory, but there is actually research that shows that people... I mean, this is in heterosexual couples, the research, but the same would apply in homosexual couples, just reverse it. The research shows that you're more likely to go

for someone that has the same hair and eye colour as your opposite gendered parent. They think it's something to do with, if you've had a happy childhood, it's that you associate from a very early age sort of love and familiarity with the face you see peering down at you for three years, changing your nappy and tickling you and changing your clothes. And on some subliminal level, that's what you idealise. None of us seem to have partnered up with anyone that looks like our parents,

either side of our parents. I don't think any of my family have got blue eyes, have they? They flushed out that obsessive gene, didn't they? I mean, we've just employed a builder who looks exactly like my dad. And that was a really weird thing. Does he dress like your dad? Because your dad had a specific style.

That's a generous way to put it. My dad wore the same gilet for 30 years. The same type of gilet or the actual same gilet? The same type. He went to Banana Republic in 1990 and never looked back. He bought 25 and just wore them on rotation. Holy cow. Like Issey Miyake's black polo neck for Steve Jobs.

In one shot, he bought 25 from the shop. No, I think he bought five. And then it was from Banana Republic in Beverly Hills. We were there on holiday. I think he went back the following Christmas and bought another five and that formed the basis of his wardrobe for 20 years. So how old was he when that happened? About 40, so I've still got five years left

before I choose my style. I've got about 12 months before I lock it in. Yeah, exactly. Although I've just discovered I really like varsity jackets so maybe that's the thing to invest in. There you go, buy 20. So anyway, this builder turned up for a consultation because we're having our house extended and he turned up you know for a consultation because we're having our

house extended um and he turned up to quote for the works and i'd chosen him based on his cv and his ratings not on his looks not on his looks very different process to tinder choosing a builder exactly um and so when he turned up at the door it was genuine i mean he really looked like i've met him a few times since because we've ended up choosing this builder um and actually when he turned up for the second meeting he'd cut his hair and he looked a bit smarter he's wearing a shirt but the first time he was wearing a t-shirt and he had rough hair you know not at all styled and a bit long and he looks so much like my dad i actually had to tell him and it made me feel really weird because it's a weird thing to be told by someone that you've

just met i'm really sorry i have to stop this conversation but you look identical to my dead father but i had to do it like because it was just in the back of my head the whole way through the conversation dead dad dead dad

dead dad I was like I have to tell him so we were talking for about 20 minutes and then I was like I'm really sorry but I know this is a bit weird

but I just have to tell you you do look exactly the same as my dad and I showed him a picture wow what did he say luckily he didn't say I don't look like that fucking guy was he like

oh I get that a lot no yeah I've just got one of those dead dad faces no he just he said I can see the resemblance Luckily, he didn't say, I don't like that fucking guy. Was he like, oh, I get that a lot. I've just got one of those dead dad faces. He said, I can see the resemblance. And it did make me think, have I chosen this builder partly because he looks like my dad? But I don't think so.

I think it's because he came in with a reasonable quotation. For me, a greater problem is seeing the resemblance between Martin and his dad rather than Martin and my dad. Yes, because it's a scary vision of what laid down the track for your marriage.

Because he's a really handsome man. I think Martin's dad's got a great look. He's got a wonderful snowy beard. He did pick a look and stick with it, though. Santa. The look is Santa and Santa on holiday in summer. But I don't fancy Martin's dad, which I think is appropriate.

And that's why I have to keep these things separated do you have a slightly flirtatious relationship with martin absolutely not i'm not sure i have a flirtatious relationship with anyone i think you two have a natural um what's the word i'm looking for fodder no hostility uh no, there's a... Yeah, well, that too. There's an odd stare. Back to this question, because Murray isn't concerned

that he's flirting with this man's father, nor is he concerned about employing this man as a builder for his house. He's worried about flirting with his own father. What he's concerned about is that, on some level, it's just wrong, and maybe he's attracted to this person because he looks like his father.

Is it creepy? What should he do? This would be a single episode plotline in Friends, wouldn't it? I kind of think he should go on another date because he said this one went well and um he feels positive uh no but i think it's just like whether he can go on another date and not amplify the thought that this guy looks like his dad because obviously he didn't look like his dad in the very first approach which was online and photographic well you say obviously because Well, because Murray says.

Yeah, exactly. He didn't look like a zen. But maybe he's kidded himself. I mean, you know, maybe on some subliminal level, it was exactly because you looked like your father, Murray, that you were interested. I mean, it may be completely subliminal, so I don't expect you to be aware of it,

but it's possible, isn't it? So I wonder whether it would be possible to take the relationship further with this thought shouting away in his mind, or whether he'd go on the next date and be like, oh, actually, no, he doesn't really look like my dad or whether you could get far enough into the dating if it still goes well and you you like each other to take him for a radically different to your father haircut and wardrobe makeover i think that's right and i

actually think it is possible to quieten the voice in your own head saying it. And I think the way to do it is to do what I did with my builder, John, and say, John, I have to tell you this. Do you think that would absolutely kill a fresh Tinder situation though? I think you need to judge it and check they've got the same sense of humour as you and he's not going to find it too weird.

But I think you can find the right moment to do it in the right way. But with all the caveats that I wasn't interested in you because you look like my dad so i think once you've said it once you've got it out to the open i mean maybe playing this podcast once you've got it out to the open then that will that that voice in your head will subside my concern is i'm not going to take my builder for lunch with all of my friends

and to meet my mum but murray you are going to take this guy perhaps back to meet my mum. But Murray, you are going to take this guy perhaps back to meet your dad at some point. And even if your dad doesn't say something, everyone around your dad is going to think you are dating someone that looks like your dad. So I think you've got to be prepared to have that conversation with everyone. But actually, you know,

if you really do get on and you love him, then it doesn't matter, does it? I think it does matter because if they're having sex, you might think I'm having sex with my dad,'m having sex with my dad so that's why it matters no because i'm saying i think he can get past that i look at john and i no longer see my dad but you're also not having sex with john so that's also true yeah well so far the work hasn't begun yet i don't know what i'll do to get a discount i've got a question email your question to answermethispodcast at googlemail.com

To answermethispodcast at googlemail.com To answermethispodcast at googlemail.com To answermethisp at who's gone ill.com. So retrospectives, what historical events are we ticking off on this week's run of Today in History? On Monday, we bring you the real story of the mutiny on the bounty. On Tuesday, the anniversary of the day somebody invented the meatball, but who? On Wednesday, the iconic British car that ripped off an iconic American car. On Thursday, how American airlines invented air miles. And on Friday, the UFO sighting that gripped colonial America. We discuss this and

more on Today in History with The Retrospecters. 10 minutes each weekday, wherever you get your podcasts. Here's a question from Emma in Alberta, Canada. She says, Helen, answer me this. Why do we use the phrase ship it in reference to a desire to see two people, often fictional characters, get together romantically? For example, I ship Harry and Hermione. Why did she end up with Ron? There's no boating involved. Why did we make ship a verb?

How long have we been using this? When she says, why do we use the phrase, I've literally never heard that. I've never heard that. I think we're old. We in Alberta, Canada. Does she mean millennials in Alberta, Canada? People. people we people is it young people though is it young person's thing this uh had you heard it yes i'm 37 when did you hear it it's all over the internet mate oh is it anything people say i really ship michael sheen and sarah silverman i really ship michael sheen so that means you want them to get together no

they are together and you're like, I ship that couple. So it's only if they are together? No, it can be both. So you can do it for couples that aren't couples and couples that are couples. It can be aspiring shipping and real life shipping. I see this pair as a good couple. Exactly. Whether we're not there or a couple or not.

Okay, so to take an example closer to home. Listeners to the early days of the podcast could have said, I ship Helen and Martin. They would have been like, I ship Ollie and Martin because quite a lot of people did seem to have sent a threesome between the two of you If only this podcast was around 10 years later there would be Liam Payne Harry Styles like fan porn about Ollie and Martin You think it's Liam and Harry

not Louis and Harry Or Zane and Harry Slashfic With Louis and Harry what's Zane and Harry. What's it called when they're... Slash fic. No, yeah, but there's a specific one for One Directioners. With Louis and Harry, what's it called? Oh, Larry Stylisson. That's it, yeah. It's so ridiculous.

They might have shipped me and you, Helen. Those people don't know us. No, exactly. This is probably why people generally go for fictional characters because they don't know them and they're not nauseated by their disgusting real selves. so if you see two people and think i think they're going to get together is that called a shipping forecast oh that's quite good the sense that emma means it's an abbreviation of relationship um that makes sense so there was the term relationship

first of all and and shipper and relationship were used interchangeably in news groups and this goes back to the 90s for x-files forums basically i use the word news groups takes me straight there a shipper is somebody who does what in the case of the x-files ones it was people who wanted molder and scully to get together it's the person writing about or arguing for the relationship to exist yes people who aspired for molder and Scully to get together called themselves relationshipers, and then they abbreviated that to our shippers, and then shipper. Right.

That makes sense. And so as people started using other things on the internet, like LiveJournal, shipping evolved beyond the X-Files. Got it, okay. Have you heard of stanning, which is kind of the same? It's like being a super fan, and it gets its name from Eminem's stan. No, I haven't. You might say you're an Andrew Lloyd Webber Stan.

So it's not a romantic thing, but it's a similar kind of fervence. And that's the cover you do. I like him so much I'd stalk him and kill myself to the sound of Phantom of the Opera. Sounds about right. And record a cassette of it. Yeah, I'm glad you've got a plan. That never made sense in Stan, did it? The whole business of, I'm sending you a cassette

and I don't know if it's broke, but here we go. Oh, I'm dead. Well, how did you put it in the post? I just never understood that last bit. They recovered it from the car, didn't they? But then who would post it? I mean, how would it get there? Maybe the police.

But how would Stan ever hear it? Not Stan, the rapper that he's sending it to. Oh, because the police might want Eminem's input on this death in which he seemed somehow complicit. they'd be like did you know this person eminem would be like no i i'm not familiar with him and they were like well he seems to know you here's some tape here's some tape of him singing rapping along to dido it's just weird i mean it's a nice eminem explains in the last verse yeah he's like oh come to think of it it was you yes yeah i think it it takes quite a long time for these terms to enter the vocabularies 20 years is not that long uh are you familiar with slashfic

as a term yes so that's from like the early 70s and star trek standing or shipping it wasn't guns and roses fans i presume there is slashfic about about Slash. Maybe Slash and Michael Jackson get it on. Yeah, I bet there was a lot of that, yeah. So Slashfic was referring to a pairing of Kirk and Spock from Star Trek. So Kirk slash Spock. And that's how the slang came about, because then you just say Slash to mean that. And then it just came to mean fan fiction of different kinds.

That's interesting. Thank you. That's two answers in one. I never realised that the Slash meant the the forward slash you put between two names. Usually slash would be same gender relationships. Oh, really? Why? I guess because Curt and Spock.

That's the culture it came out of. But if you had a heterosexual relationship, would you not use a slash? I don't know. You'd use a slash, wouldn't you? Harry slash Hermione. Yeah. Maybe. I guess you could use a hyphen.

Hyphen fic. I don't know. Yeah, you don't know and that's why it's funny. And it looks a bit like a penis sticking it to the woman's name. Well, if you are a true stan of our show, then you will be very thankful for our intermission. I would say so. Because you just want a little bit more answer

me this or because you're thinking i'd like to support these fucks by giving them some of my cash but i want something in return and i think that's legitimate yeah i mean that's how most most things work in our society yeah and that's why we've got our first 200 episodes for sale at answer me this store.com along with our albums and best of episodes and blah blah blah yes you can also buy them from iTunes and Amazon. And you're more than welcome to do that if the technological convenience persuades you that that's better than giving us the slightly higher royalty

by buying it from us directly. It's your choice. And for today's intermission, I've chosen a rather unusual event in the history of Answer Me This. It happened in episode 92 in which Ollie and Martin prove their physical prowess. It's like Women in Love isn't it it's a bit like women in love in audio form get ready here's a question from jay dorg in stroud answer

me this who would win at an arm wrestle between martin the physicist and ollie the english graduate i doubt there'd be much in it there's only one way to settle this as harry hill would say i'm just tremendously curious to see what's going to happen. Martin's going to win is the answer. I have no strength at all. No, but also your arms are longer. I couldn't crush a pea, Martin. Yeah, but that's not the kind of exercise they have at your gym.

Are we counting to three? How does this work? I'll count to three. Okay. They're clasping hands. They're ready. Martin's clasping their hands very tenderly. Three, two.

Martin's going to win. One. Wrestle. Martin's going to win. wrestle muscles are bulging sort of it's first they can with puny men Ollie's Ollie's leaning back

against the drum kit both his feet on the sofa it's still neck and neck he's holding his own he's screaming he's holding his own Martin cannot budge him

there's a lot of shaking and kicking going on. I'm going to have to give up just to keep my faces around. Oh, Martin just well took it, but they're both in pain. That was tough. That was a good match.

All right. That was a war of attrition, really, I thought. Do please send us your questions in your own voices. You can record a voice memo and email it to us at our email address, which I hope you're familiar with by this point or you can skype us at answer me this

or you can call the following number 02081235807 and remember there's no voicemail greeting anymore but that is our number let's hear who's been in touch today this is chris in california so there's a miss marple story the one called uh the tuesday night club i think in which one of the the red herrings is a bowl of corn flour and i know that in modern usage corn flour is just the stuff that in america we call corn starch It's a white powder made from corn. But this sounds like it's a preparation made from that. So it says, a pity, commented Miss Clark. It is nicely made, too.

No lumps. Gladys is really quite a nice cook. Very few girls nowadays seem to be able to make a bowl of corn flour nicely. So I presume, since they're talking about lumps that it was mixed with liquid but was this mixed with water or with some other liquid was it cooked uh was there something else added i would love to know this it's been bugging me for years because i love food and i read a lot of agatha christie that's niche i think it's fair to say no one else in the audience is wondering about this corn flour reference from an agatha christie book i niche i think it's fair to say no one else in the audience is wondering about

this cornflower reference from an agatha christie book i've never heard what was it called it's called the tuesday night music club it's a short story which is the first ever appearance of miss marple okay published 1932 okay the tuesday night music club the idea of um this book of stories is there was a club of people that would come around to Miss Marple's and then they'd each tell each other a murder case and Miss Marple would always fucking solve it just from the clues they said. And probably they thought that old gal's got some gifts.

That would be a fun way to spend a Tuesday night, wouldn't it? Not if just like the same person got it right every time. Sure, but I mean instead of just like getting all together to watch a film and have a pizza or whatever, get together to solve a murder. Yeah, well now you'd listen to a true crime podcast, wouldn't you? Yeah. And speculate endlessly.

Not as much fun though, is it? Not as much. As Miss Marple, Tuesday Night. Yeah, especially if she was Hottie Angela Lansbury, Miss Marple. Was Tuesday Night Music Club that Sheryl Crow album? Yes, it was. Where they solved murders? Yeah.

I don't think it was based on Agatha Christie, and I don't remember any reference to Cornflower. All I want to do is have some fun. All I want to do is have a bun. That's what she was originally saying. Is that what it was based on Agatha Christie and I don't remember any reference to corn flour all I want to do is have some fun all I want to do is have a bun that's what she was originally saying until I find out the murderer was Geoff with the lead pipe 85 year old spoilers for the Tuesday Night Music Club

three people have the same dinner tinned lobster, bread and cheese and trifle that's a good dinner tinned lobster sounds rank but actually probably tastes quite nice it's quite rich all those things, lobster, cheese, trifle and one that's a good dinner lovely i mean tinned lobster sounds rank but actually probably tastes quite nice it's quite rich all those things lobster cheese trifle yeah one person feels ill after the dinner so the maid takes her a bowl of corn flour but she dies so the implication was that the corn flour was poisoned right what the corn flour was was a drink for indigestion people

feeling sick and um arrowroot is another similar starchy powder that you'd add to water and sometimes some other flavourings like, say, orange peel or cinnamon. I can't imagine wanting cinnamon when I feel ill. It's an invalid food so it's got a soothing texture. It's hot. It slow releases glucose

so if you can't absorb other foods then it at least gives you some energy. So this was to settle this woman's stomach now i'm sure that corn flour and water is what my mum used to mix up to make glue for papier mache yes that's exactly what i was going to say yeah i thought those were the crucial ingredients but maybe that's not the same corn flour then because it certainly didn't have peel in it it was the same corn flour you add the peel that's optional in the glue or the drink but it means i would be a little dubious of the drink.

But there are still drinks with cornflour in. There's a Haitian milkshake-style drink, and it's got cornflour, condensed milk, water, sugar and spices in. Sounds alright. If you wanted to help someone who'd been taken ill at your dinner party, and they'd gone upstairs feeling ill, what would you have your maid prepare nowadays? So I've got to get into character of somebody

who would have staff. You'd make sure they had a lot of water. You can be on first name terms, Helen, and give them more than Christmas off. That's fine. You can rock this 2017 style. Alright, so Phyllis. What would I get Phyllis to make? Peppermint tea. Yeah, probably a peppermint tea.

Yeah, people do say that settles the stomach, don't they? Anyway, do you want to hear the spoilers for the murder mystery? Do I? Do you? Not really, but go on. I would like to. We're deep into this now. So the puzzle is they all ate the same thing.

The maid took the cornflour to one. That person didn't eat the cornflour and that person died. Yeah, but I think the implication was the maid gave her cornflour, the maid poisoned the cornflour, so this woman died. Except they then found out the woman didn't eat the corn flour And a woman who was still alive ate the corn flour The actual poison thing Was not the corn flour

It was the hundreds and thousands on top of the trifle So the woman who survived Didn't eat the trifle because she was on a diet And the man who survived Scraped the hundreds and thousands off because he was the murderer But he wanted to implicate the kitchen maid who he'd got pregnant wow so you've got to be pretty confident as a murderer haven't you that you can eat a trifle that you've poisoned the topping off you put arsenic

into the cream because they do bleed and also something as small as hundreds and thousands don't have one sneaking off i suppose arsenic is a poison where a small dose Doesn't kill you You wouldn't want to necessarily experiment with that Yeah I wouldn't I'd be worried it would have seeped into the Swiss roll Here's another question of food from Yorick Who says this week I was on a date with a boy

As I'm disgustingly cheap and we were going to a gig Well that's not cheap We went to Subway and I bought a salad My date and I got talking about the smell in there. I've always loved it. He's always hated it. Let's call the whole thing off. But Ollie, answer me this.

Why does Subway smell the way it does? To be clear, we are talking about Subway, the chain of sandwich shops here. Not the underpass under a motorway or the New York tube system. Yeah, because there is a smell in those places, but that's to do with ventilation and homelessness. It doesn't smell of baked bread or any of the toppings. And the smell is pervasive enough to cover most of a block on the high street. How do they get the same smell everywhere?

What's the deal with it? Okay, so the thing that a lot of people would jump to here, because they've heard the stories about supermarkets pumping out the smells of various different fresh products, is that this must be a synthetic smell and it must be pumped out i think that's because subway the food looks like it is synthetic they say we do not pump out any smells from our restaurants deliberately there is no ventilation installed so that it goes onto the streets you can smell it down the street to get your appetite you know working we just put our bums out the door and fart we just well we basically we just have a small shop where there's the smell of lots of processed ham and turkey being opened

in a confined space sulfurous smell yeah and bread being baked so when when your ex says it isn't the smell of bread being baked no it isn't the smell of bread being baked it's the smell of subway bread being baked and subway bread has been pre-prepared off-site frozen and is then thawed and then uh baked in store and the bread itself has cheese and oregano and parmesan and weird flavors in it and basically that's just what it smells like the smell of five different flavors of thawed out bread being baked smells like that that makes sense because it is a bit of a bready smell but it's also a sweetish smell yeah that kind of bread has more sugar in it than average bread because it's it's it's designed to rise much quicker than bread that is actually nice and also it has that kind of bilious smell of bad cheese

i would say that if i was to characterize the subway smell in two words it would be fake brioche like a like a sort of slightly synthetic i would say more it's like sometimes when you, Martin, have had quite a gross meal, like a bit of a shit pizza, the Subway smell smells like the burps you do after a bit of a shit pizza. So we've got fake brioche, Martin burp. What's your two-word Subway definition? Cheese farts.

Yeast gas. Yeast gas yeast gas yeah there we go yeast makes places like edinburgh smell good yeah delicious like hops and stuff but edinburgh in a confined space and add artificial parmesan cheese to it don't know subway i'm an influencer you want to be who I am You envy everything on my Instagram But it's all stock photos, my life's a total sham I can't even do yoga But I'm a real health expert I use Squarespace, all my photos and advice are all in the one place And I built a store so you can buy into my taste eight dollar

smoothies yes it's another beautiful new song about squarespace uh and if you want to make a beautiful website you should be doing that with squarespace it's a very good idea yeah it still won't be as beautiful as that song is though that's a very major artistic achievement of ours yeah but other types of artists can use squarespace to showcase their work that's a popular use of squarespace isn't it people doing uh galleries and photography some quite good photo yeah well some very good photo templates yeah you can graphic designers models whatever you do that's like that if it's visual architects good idea to use squarespace show your work yeah make make a store to sell it artists need to do that i know because i was raised by one and uh oh god just go to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch

you can save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain by using our offer code answer here's a question from nathan who says i always see signs in shops saying that store detectives may operate there. I've never seen one, but Ollie, answer me this. Is that because they're just dressed in normal clothes rather than a Sherlock Holmes type character that I have in mind? Do store detectives exist? What do they do? Do they sneak around the shop like the Pink Panther?

No. They do exist, otherwise they wouldn't be able to have the sign saying they exist, would they? I mean, that's your first clue, Nathan. Well, Ollie, let me not get onto theological matters. God, I'll just park that there. Yeah, sure. But, you know, God bless us, everyone. God bless America.

That's an invocation, isn't it? It's not a sign saying God patrols this supermarket. I saw a sign outside a church saying, Jesus is alive, fact. And even in the Bible that is... Anyway, carry on. Yeah, sure. Store detectives are the glamorous name for the in-house

security at supermarkets that stop them losing profits by people stealing food. That's it. Store detectives. Yeah, so store detectives, it's kind kind of like it's a bit like mall cop it's a phrase that like it's supposed to make the job sound more impressive than it is and it's supposed to appeal to people who you know perhaps they have a past working for the army or working in the police but probably you know those people tend to get jobs as bouncers and stuff

probably they've just always wanted to do that and didn't quite have the qualifications of the physical fitness so you know he's a relatively menial, relatively, you know, low paid job. But by calling it store detective rather than private security that's not paid very much, you know, they make it seem more appealing as a job you might want to do.

And also it gives them a little bit more credibility when they come up to you and tell you to put that loaf of bread back, otherwise you'll be in trouble. Because actually in some places they even can sort of quotes on quotes arrest you. They don't actually have the right to do that loaf of bread back, otherwise you'll be in trouble. Because actually, in some places, they even can sort of, quotes on quotes, arrest you. They don't actually have the right to do that,

but it's effectively like a citizen's arrest. They can arrest you and then call the police and say, I've detained this person because of this, here's the evidence, and then the police take it from there. But they're not really doing detective work, are they, beyond the very immediate, I've seen someone put items in their bag. Who stole this fish? The person with the fish in their jacket.

That's the level of detective work they do. I mean, they're detecting someone shoving milk in their pocket. But it's not magnifying glass bloodhound. It's not arsenic. It's no cartoon detective work happening. Exactly, yeah. It's no Tuesday night soccer club. No, Tuesday night cornflower club.

Exactly. No one steals cornflower. Well, they might in the supermarket. Well, they do have to be relied upon though. So they have to be people that are security cleared. They themselves can't have had a criminal record because their evidence sometimes has to be relied upon in court. So they have to be a credible person.

Is it a lonely job being a store detective? I think it probably is. Even the managers in the store, they probably feel like the fact that that person's there in a way although it's giving them an extra level of security it distrusts the staff as well doesn't it yeah you know why can't the staff just keep an eye out for people making stuff i'm pretty sure that the other day when i walked in i said hello to the store detective standing in a suit by the door because it seemed like a lonely job and i think what he wanted to say to me was don't even bother coming in you

can't fit into anything in here uh here's a question from Holes Stoner. How amazing is that name? Holes says, my surname is Stoner. It is. I recently found out that Stoner means a person who takes drugs on a regular basis. How did you not know that, Holes? I think it's wonderful that you've made it this far without knowing. So, Helen, answer me this.

Where did the word stoner come from insofar as it meant people who are intoxicated um it's been around since definitely the 1930s for drunk people and then in the 60s it got applied to drugs i guess because that was more talked about then than it had ever been before but it never gets used for alcoholics now does it or is it when it got taken over completely superseded yeah so before the stoner alcoholics people were saying things like stone drunk i think that's imprinted from like the 1850s and and that means you're so drunk you have the sensibilities of a stone right like stone you've lost your mind you've lost your you've lost your senses and maybe you are physically inert yeah as well so a lot of people will be there going,

oh, it's because you're reeling because you're like somebody who's had stones thrown at them in a public stoning. But there's no evidence to suggest that that is the link. Yeah, because that would hint that being publicly stoned is in some way a pleasurable intoxication. Yeah, or that you make it out alive. Yeah, exactly.

Now you're traveling a lot more to the USA than you used to because of your work with Radiotopia. Since the partial legalisation of marijuana, have you been tempted? No. Not even slightly? Not at all. Because I'm not at all, if the police are listening, let me clarify, at all a stoner in this country.

But if I went to a place where it was legal, nay encouraged, I'd definitely do it. I don't drink and I live in a country where booze is legal. That's true. And not partaking of it is extremely socially off. Yeah, but you partly the reason

that you don't drink is because you've tried it and decided you didn't like it. Whereas I've never tried marijuana in a setting where it was just like getting a drink. I'm going to Amsterdam

later this month and I have zero plans to investigate that side. Okay. So the US is just the same. That's the acid test basically. I'm going to be back the whole time. That's what I'm hoping.

I mean, what Martin needs is to be more sleepy and docile. Down and lonely Life is so confusing I need some answers Preferably amusing Now I find A podcast that will suit I need some answers, preferably amusing. Now I find a podcast that will suit.

I listen to Helen and Ollie on my half-hour commute. Here's a question from David who says, For years now, both my partner and my daughter have been asking if we can get a dog. I never wanted a dog. I have no interest in them at all. That's not good, is it? I know enough from watching the Dogs Trust ads. Doesn't say.

Got no interest at all in dogs? Get a dog. You really wanted them. My brother really, really didn't want a dog and then my parents got a dog and he adored the dog beyond all measure how old was he then though nine nine year olds don't know what they want no nine year olds do know what they want he threatened to leave home before we got the dog why he really didn't want a dog but what was he worried would be happening that he'd be upstaged by the dog probably i mean i probably felt like that as a child because i was scared of dogs but i think i sort of needed a dog because i never had a dog i still distrust dogs maybe

david needs a dog that's a good slogan actually for dogs trust isn't it don't trust dogs don't distrust dogs dogs trust all right yeah not bad yeah it's not great don't diss dogs don't distrust dogs. Dogs trust. Anyway, David continues. Due to us moving to a new house, and if I'm honest, me not having any ideas what to get my partner for her birthday a few months ago, I went out and bought Harry the Shih Tzu. Without consulting your partner, who's the one who actually wants the dog, you're just like, all right, fine, just get any dog.

Any dog. Shih Tzu, don't care. He's put his cards on the table. He's not interested in dogs. You can't blame him for just making a sort of catch-all while all dogs are the same until you get your bloody dog decision. That's so silly. If you want a dog, I'll give you the money. Just you go out and buy it and don't show it to me.

I'm not interested. To be fair, I mean, he might be talking a cavalier way. You know, they might have gone and had a look at the dog. They might have spent several weeks making sure they got the right dog. He just went and paid the money for the dog,

is what he's saying. This was after both of them, this, remember, his partner and his daughter, had eagerly promised that they would walk him clean him feed him and tidy up after him and that i wouldn't have anything to do with him you can see where this is going as predicted this lasted all of a fortnight and it is now me who seems to have taken over the day-to-day care of the fluffy little bastard maybe they're like we're determined to get david into the dog and uh really it's going to take a lot of dog application for that to happen.

If this was a Hollywood film, that's what it would have been, wouldn't it? Like your partner and your daughter would have persuaded you to get the dog because actually you need to come out of your shell. You need to go and socialise, you need to go and get some fresh air. Yeah.

And then at the end you'd open David's doggy daycare. Yeah, but probably having left your partner for Diane Keaton or something. The problem is, he says, I can't make it more than a few minutes out of the door the end you'd open david's doggy daycare yeah but probably having left your partner for diane keaton or something the problem is he says i can't make it more than a few minutes out of the door without someone stopping me to tell me how cute the dog is oh what a nightmare oh my life's so rubbish why is that a problem yeah uh then come the same series of questions i hear time and time again uh what kind of dog is it how old is he is he well behaved well they're just trying to be really by a dog without your partner's permission they don't want you to think that they're just treating

your dog like a stripper just to excite them visually and then they move on with no human interaction they're pretending that it's it's a real interaction yeah it's like when people have their picture taken next to a classic car and they feel obliged to ask the owner oh how old is it how fast does it go and actually they just want a picture of them next to their car but you can't just take a picture of yourself next to someone's car yeah they want to stop and look at your dog yeah they're not interested in small talk with you david yeah i think you're right uh then i will walk a little further continues david only to be stopped and asked the same questions this is repeated continuously until i get back into the house i reckon this is all manufactured by your partner

and daughter as part of your canine therapy. I've tried walking past people, I've pointed at my earphones or I've even blanked people entirely. Oh no, the earphones thing didn't work. You need to get bigger earphones. Massive. Get big over the ears. We're stuck here because this is always Helen's solution for problems of this type.

Just put on earphones. Your own private world. No amount of rudeness, he says, will deter a dog lover well this implies that dog lovers are warmer people they will pass me by all together and just go straight for the dog grabbing hold of him and then looking up at me staring until i engage with them don't engage don't engage don't engage he says i'm fed up of repeatedly answering the same mundane questions tell me about it mate 11 years in years in. You have no idea, David. And standing around for long periods of time,

waiting for people to switch on, that I'm not interested in talking about a dog I have little to no emotional connection with. I thought about getting cards made with all the dog's details. I was going to suggest that. Or a QR code on the dog. Oh yeah, shave it into its fur.

And just handing out the cards to people as they approach. But that doesn't stop them from assuming that they can just accost my dog at their leisure don't get me wrong if i was a single man i'd be in my element having a dog seems to be a fantastic way to meet women that is true about newborn babies as well by the way really like when i was left alone with my newborn baby for five minutes suddenly always mums with their newborn babies and they were interested in the baby not me but they would suddenly be talking to me in a way that definitely indicated i'm not in any way threatened or concerned about this conversation like i would be approaching you normally because we're both holding babies it is a great way to eat women anyway helen answered me this how do i stop people coming near me when i'm out with the dog okay so

you've tried headphones that didn't work I assume you've tried the pretend phone call because that's your excuse not to engage and just keep walking. That's good. Just like, don't stop. Don't stop. Even if the dog's stopping to play, you just, it's a shih tzu.

You can drag it along. It's not like you're being led by a small dog. That's a small dog that you can lead. My only concern with that, because I think that does work, if you're actually literally on the phone and you're holding a mobile phone to your ear, everyone understands.

But you would actually have to be talking out loud to keep that going. No, you can just go, uh-huh, uh-huh. Yeah, yeah. Like someone else is talking a lot. Yeah, maybe. You could start jogging because I think people are less likely to stop a jogger with a dog. And a lot of people do jog with dogs. You know what I think would be effective, but I think is a bit morally bad,

is if you dress the dog up like a service dog where it says on the side of the dog, do not distract the service dog i mean i expected that sort of solution from molly man but not from you helen's preempted but who loses there really what well it makes people with genuine service dogs less trustable because david has trust no it doesn't you're pretending to have a disability for your own advantages no he's not pretending to have a disability just pretending that the dog is a service dog yes exactly well isn't the suggestion then that people will assume that he he no as we discussed in the last episode he could be training the dog yeah but also some people have emotional support dogs that's true but then again that's still i'm not sure he's not it's not like you

know he's using a disabled loo and therefore a disabled person is missing out on going to the toilet when they really need to you know by pretending to have a service dog no one's disadvantaged by that he's just advantaged that he doesn't have to stop and have a conversation i think it might be that he's going to places where either there aren't any dogs and therefore harry the shih tzu is a novelty or there are lots of dogs and therefore fellow dog owners are stopping to ask him about the dog i think he needs to choose a route where a dog is just of no remarkability at all yeah you know what though he could do no one's gonna want to stop and chat to him if he's wearing a scream mask difficult in

summer look it would be hot but he wouldn't have to chat you can't have everything david do you want a sweaty face or do you want the dog chat well if you have any suggestions for david to be an anti-social bastard dog walker then um do get in touch and actually if you see us walking around feel free to approach you know we're friendly friendly like dogs we don't fight i actually i straw that broke the camel's back it's probably a bit unfair on the bloke but there was a guy who tweeted me last week saying saw you at where i work today didn't say hello because you were having an in-depth conversation with the receptionist and i retweeted it and said why do podcast fans always do this because it is the most common thing is people say after they tweet me afterwards saying really exciting to see you in this place

come and say hello i'd like to meet people who listen to my show there's not that many people out there specifically you'd like to meet people who listen to the show with someone else's witness but it's just i think people perceive helen that we must be like hollywood stars getting stopped wherever we go i think that's very much the perception of it yes yeah not the case it may surprise you to learn so if you're a fan of the show chances are you'll be the only person that week or maybe the second person that week has come up to us that's fine like it's always nice to meet you it's always been an absolute pleasure come say hi someone illicitly took a picture of me on a train Oh that's weird

And then tweeted saying Just saw you on the train with photo evidence That's So much weirder than just saying hi That's odd Do you live here too? Was that a nice photo? No

It was a busy commuter train I was holding onto a luggage rack So it was like profile With pot belly Oh Not good Double chin Double chin yeah exactly

Bald spot No Not promotional picture quality If you must take creepy pictures please make them flattering make sure the light highlights the cheekbones yeah I need a bit of a strong light to just give my face a bit of definition so just bear that in mind

if you're paping me at least filter it at least filter it and not while we're eating because no one looks good while they're eating but if you have a question send it through absolutely send it through via email phone Skype voice memo. Our contact details are on our website.

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