Answer Me This! - AMT356: Ghost Pubs, Cheesecake, and NSFW Weddings

Episode Date: November 2, 2017

A questioneer today finds themselves in quite the consternation after clicking on the link to a friend's wedding list...and finding a dazzling array of Adult Pleasure Implements. And we're not talking golf clubs or top-of-the-range espresso machines here. Find out more about this episode at . Send us questions for future episodes: email call 0208 123 5877, Skype answermethis. Tweet us http://twitter.com/helenandolly Facebook http://facebook.com/answermethis Subscribe on iTunes http://iTunes.com/AnswerMeThis Buy old episodes, albums and our Best Of compilations at Hear Helen Zaltzman's podcast The Allusionist at Olly Mann's The Modern Mann at and Martin Austwick's Song By Song at . Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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If your name was Catherine Wheel, would you hate bonfire night? That's who we this, that's who we this. If your name was Catherine Will would you hate Bonfire Night Has to be this Has to be this If the earth hasn't moved Am I doing it right Has to be this Has to be this Helen and Ollie Has to be this

It is time to continue our new regular feature about Agatha Christie's use of obscure words in short stories from the 1930s and you will not be disappointed uh because uh last episode you'll recall helen we all recall corn

flour miss marple corn flour corn flour miss marple we discussed the appropriation miss or otherwise in miss marple's tuesday nightclub uh this episode it is the turn of chris who says the case you discussed centered around the fact that someone wouldn't have eaten trifle in that agatha christie short story because they were dieting a vital plot point in the story christie doesn't use the term dieting but instead uses the term banting banting banting sounds like a sort of reggae artist from the 90s doesn't it pato banting pato banting weird my color tv and my cd collection of bob marley stop poisoning everybody chris says um i've never seen this chris says i've never seen this term banting used anywhere else but presumably it was common at the time also seems still to be common in south africa loving your work already

helen judging by the google results that was a pre-answer his question is helen answer me this where does the term banting come from is it anything to do with frederick banting who discovered insulin no it is named after his distant relative william banting get away i won't it's a specific diet though rather than a term for all dieting. It's essentially the Atkins diet, but a century before. Isn't that interesting? Because, you know, since Atkins passed away, and that seemed to do something to dent interest in his miracle diet, people have come up with other diets that are essentially the Atkins diet, but called something else, haven't they?

Yes. Interesting to know that's been going on for centuries. Yes. So Banting, William William Banting was an undertaker. I don't think he'd get a book deal now. I don't know. I think maybe he'd get a regular spot on This Morning or something, because he was quite a tubby undertaker. He used to wear a corset because he was ashamed of his body. I'm still not seeing the tubby undertaker next to the naked chef on bookshelves.

And he tried so many different ways to lose weight he tried starvation diets which made him gain weight he tried having three turkish baths a week which did make him sweat out six pounds but then the weight loss stopped william banting he tried vigorous exercise but that made him hungrier and so he went to the doctor and the doctor made him cut out bread potatoes sugar milk and beer so william banting started eating non-starchy vegetables meat a lot of meat because this was like mid-victorian time so it was like grouse for breakfast the grouse diet yeah again not in fern cotton's cookbook uh he had some fruit and a little bit of dry toast there was more carb than in atkins and i think less fat and then he could

have a tot of gin or sherry but not one of of the starchy boozes. See, I love the sound of Victorian dieting, or as we're learning to call it, banting, but at the same time, I guess all those people did diet 50. Even the people who were looking after themselves by only having one tot of gin a day. But they'd eaten enough meats for four lifetimes. Yeah, I suppose. You've both had, at some point, gone on diets like that, haven't you? I'd try and think about it more as not eating processed food. Well, if you'd been William Banting,

you would have written that up into a hit booklet, Letter on Corpulence, addressed to the public. This is brilliant. I had no idea that this kind of thing happened before about 1930. Yeah, no, this was 1863, I think, that pamphlet was published. And he didn't ask to be paid for it because he felt it was a public duty to share this cure for obesity. And he gave the profits to hospital charities.

So top-selling booklet, could have made a load of money, unrelated to the word banter. Hi, Helen and Ali and Martin the Soundman. This is Ben from London. My question is, we're in party conference season. Who pays to go to party conferences? Do local party representatives get to claim it on expenses from the party? Do MPs put it on their parliamentary expenses?

Does it all get chalked up to the central party or to some sort of corporate sponsor? Inquiring minds want to know, and I think you're the people to find out. Thanks. MPs do not get to claim it on their parliamentary expenses because it is... Oh, and moats are fine.

Because, well, no, moats weren't fine, to be fair, Helen. That is what caused the scandal. It was fine for a long time. They were overlooked. I mean, I think, to be fair, like a duck house is inherently non-party political. So there's no bias involved. Exactly. So the argument for the duck house, American listeners will not know what the hell we're talking about now. Are we talking duck house of commons or duck house of lords?

Stop it. Because they usually have both, don't they? Was that you are permitted to have a second house which you furnish up to an acceptable standard to which you're accustomed if you are a parliamentary mp living away from home because that's government business being an mp whereas going to a party conference is not government business it is party business and therefore it's it's like something you're doing for fun even though obviously they basically have to go especially if they're in the cabinet so yeah it's a lot of them are really pissed off about it katie perrier wrote this brilliant thing in the times uh just the week before the tory party conference katie perry yeah no sadly no i don't

think katie perry's been to the conservative party conference in manchester katie perrier who is theresa may's ex spin doctor who got the boot uh because uh the conservatives didn't do that well it's difficult i mean the raw materials are hard. Anyway, she wrote a brilliant piece about how all of the Cabinet really resent party conferences because they have to pay for the best hotel room right there. They have no choice but to be there. It's exhausting going to meet all of the different lobbyists

and whatever that they have to, and they have to pay for it as well. They'd much rather not go. They can't claim it back. So that comes out of their personal allowance. In terms of other people who pay to go to to party conferences members of the party ben hard as it may be to believe there are people out there who volunteer and pay to join political parties because they actually do mean it and so for them it is like going to glastonbury well it depends because obviously you can get subsidised tickets

if you're a student or an OAP or if you're a member of an affiliated union or whatever. Is there a VIP ticket where you get to go and hang out with famous Tories? I think there are at fringe events, yes. Sort of extra dinners that cost money because so-and-so is going to be there. So basically, there's a huge spectrum. I think you can get tickets for the Labour Party conference for as little as about 30 pounds that's good probably it's that standing ticket though it's like the shakespeare's globe that's cheaper than a show

at the roundhouse isn't it yeah but the same deal just because it's the labour party same deal applies if you want to go and see a dinner where you know whoever diane abbott that you're very excited to see is giving a speech that will cost 100 quid um and you know i think the tories you can get one for about 50 quid but they go all the way up to like thousands because if you're a lobbyist and you're there to represent you know so let's say you're in the um campaign for podcast equality helen yes of course you want to go and talk to the culture secretary about how i don't know podcasts deserve a slice of the license fee or whatever uh you would be expected to pay there off the top of your head see you next year at the

tory party conference oh jesus you would be expected to pay a couple of grand to have a stand in the hall right which is sort of supposedly for all the delegates but really that's just to facilitate your one conversation with karen bradley because it's important but presumably that's the case if you have a stand at the kind of conferences i go to where they're audio conferences and you have a stand because you're selling a type of microphone or an online thingamie yeah it is difficult to get your head because we're so cynical in an ingrained way about politicians in this country but there are people out there for whom it is genuinely exciting to to be in the same room as pretty patel you know what i mean they are excited to go and watch tim farren give a speech and that's that's they're happy to pay money to do that if you

really wanted to see tim farren do a speech you had a pretty brief window of opportunity for that you did yes exactly that's why tickets are so expensive the reason that they were in seaside towns originally though the party conferences was this is brighton and blackpool and bournemouth exactly it's all the bees all the bees uh was essentially for cheaper accommodation for the delegates right so there was there was an understanding amongst the political parties that if you're giving up your weekend and some of them gone for a week yeah um then you're taking time off work you've paid to join the party you're going to support the party so the reason they put in, sorry listeners in Blackpool and Bournemouth and stuff, but slightly dilapidated seaside towns, was the hotel rooms are cheaper.

And actually it's only in the last few years that they've started going to places like Manchester and Birmingham, which are easily accessible from London, and they have shiny new Marriotts. Do you think that's because the business of conferences has expanded a lot? You have a lot more conferences and conventions now so you have more facilities for those. You have more new hotels and whatnot. I think it might be because

the purpose has shifted to just being a way of showing the media that you're making an announcement. It doesn't actually matter what happens really on the floor of the conference. It's just about how is it reported on the 10 o'clock news. Because from the party's points of view there are so few opportunities now as they see it to reach the public with an unfiltered message you know there's there's the internet of course but

on telly there's only party political broadcasts everything else they get challenged a lot and they have to take part in debates you know whereas at least at the party political conferences they have a week which is their week the media will report on what they want to put out and show clips of their speeches as they want to say it so to them that whole thing is just like a publicity opportunity basically which is why it's not a good idea when the letters fall off the wall behind you whilst you're talking about building the country that was so good it would seem too broad if you put it in a sitcom i know i know i didn't even know that you could get signs anymore that are affixed to the wall like i just thought it would be a screen now what a projector yeah like letters you put in the wall like at play school i didn't know that i mean remember it wasn't so long ago when the labour party literally

etched their promises into stone if you've got a question then email your question if you've got a question then email your question If you've got a question Then email your question To answer me this podcast at googlemail.com Answer me this podcast at googlemail.com To answer me this podcast at googlemail.com So retrospective, what historical events are we ticking off on this week's run of Today in History? On Monday, we bring you the real story of the mutiny on the bounty. On Tuesday, the anniversary of the day somebody invented the meatball, but who?

On Wednesday, the iconic British car that ripped off an iconic American car. On Thursday, how American airlines invented air miles. And on Friday, the UFO sighting that gripped colonial America. We discuss this and more on Today in History with The Retrospectors. Ten minutes each weekday, wherever you get your podcasts. Here's a question from David from Bristol, who says, This local oldie-type pub around the corner from my workplace. Oldie as in ye oldie.

Yeah, with an E on the end. Yeah, older. Rather than for oldies. Rather than an over-60s pub. Thanks for clarifying a thing that no one listening ever wondered about. This local old-type pub around the corner from my workplace has a chalkboard sign placed on the main road saying that it is, quote, one of the oldest pubs in Poole.

One of the. Close quote. Poole's got a lot of old pubs, hasn't it? Another claim is that it is, inverted commas, haunted. Yes. David supplied photographic evidence. I can indeed say that on the day that Google Maps photographed the pub

at least there was a chalk sign outside claiming that it is both one of the oldest pubs in Poole and that it is quote haunted Does it include the quotation marks on the actual sign? It doesn't, crucially Okay, so David is quoting the sign the sign itself is not getting itself out of the veracity of these claims by putting them in inverted commas.

No. Okay, David says, the sign started me thinking about the legal implications of trading on claims such as these. Obviously, there are thousands of places that make such claims, but, Ollie, answer me this. What's to stop me going into the pub and requesting that the said ghost or ghosts in residence

make an appearance for me under the trade descriptions act well common sense i would argue have there ever been any legal challenges that have gone to court in relation to things ghostly uh okay so in relation to things ghostly yes there have wow we'll talk about that in a moment is it i went to see the woman in black and i don't think it was a real ghost on stage spoilers but in terms of haunted pubs i can't find any legal contestation if that's a word because there are so many haunted pubs out there and yes i'm using quotation marks you just can't see them because this is audio that it's pretty accepted that obviously by anyone sensible a this is horseshit done for publicity

b it's a good story even if it's not true isn't it and it hints at the fact that the pub's been around for ages that at some point someone might have died in the building that's usually why people say it's haunted so it is an interesting story to hear about when you go and c pubs are suffering at the moment you know closing many each week um whereas if you're a haunted pub i mean there was one that was on the front of the daily star for three consecutive days um because there had been sightings of the black-eyed child. This is the Four Crosses Inn in Cannock.

Ooh! Is that in Staffordshire? That's in the Midlands. That's where Tiffany lives. Identified from the quality of the ooh why he did it. But a child shouldn't be in a pub unless it's a family-friendly pub. So they could just make it an over-18s pub and the black-eyed child would have to go technically the child would be several hundred

years old wouldn't it it's like casper the friendly ghost isn't it could casper get served casper could get served he's hundreds of years old did he have id anyway the point is if you read that article because it is still online you'll see that it mentions six paragraphs in that that pub at the time of the writing of the article was actually on the market so the publicans were trying to sell the pub for 325 grand and it's a good story isn't it and almost always when you read through the small print there's an event happening that they're trying to publicize or they're trying to sell the building itself um and it's if you know it differentiates your pub from other pubs to say that it's haunted another famous one is ye olde Man and Sighs in Bolton,

which is the one that had that viral video where you could apparently see the landlord who'd been hanged or been executed outside the pub in 1651. You could apparently see him on the security footage coming back in the middle of the night. But again, when you read the detail of the timing of that getting into the news, it was when a Chinese artist claimed to have bottled him

and put him on display in Manchester. So again... Claimed to have bottled the ghost? Yes. So just sort of publicising the art gallery, really, and the pub at the same time. Interesting. That's an unusual crossover.

Also, would the law have some kind of rubric for what constituted haunted? Or would it be the kind of thing whereby if the pub is offering it, it can say well we can't guarantee that you see a ghost because that's not how haunting works and if you're the kind of person that

believes you could see a ghost you would understand that's not how haunting works and the law would just be like obviously we're not going to get into this shit So it depends on whether it's made up, doesn't it? Like if someone actually died in the pub, then you could say it's haunted by the spectre of someone having died in the pub. And, you know, the ghost story is just a way of talking about the history.

Whereas if you just made it up and you go, oh, someone was beheaded in this pub, it's like that probably didn't happen. Also, there's a high chance that someone died on the site of pretty much anywhere. Yeah. Particularly in Britain, it's densely populated. Someone probably dies in a Wetherspoons every day, but I mean, they don't advertise those as being haunted. That haunted Wetherspoons.

Haunted by the ghost of Ted, who came here every morning at 11 o'clock for a gin and tonic. Wednesday night is a two-for-one funeral night. In terms of the Advertising Standards Authority, though, because that's who you'd appeal to if the pub is making misleading claims. As far as I can tell, and I've looked through probably 10 or 11 articles about the ASA getting involved in ghosts, the only time that it's ever successful is essentially when you make children cry.

So the ASA have intervened. Your children crying or your money back. So it's not about the proving or otherwise of ghosts the asa have intervened only on these kind of matters if the image that you use to accompany your claim is so scary that six-year-olds cry when they walk past your poster and that's happened a few times for things like fright nights you know where you've got a picture of an actor with like blood dripping down their face or whatever if enough people complain and say you've got a picture of an actor with like blood dripping down their face or whatever if enough people complain and say you've really disturbed my child then the asa will censor the poster but not the claim that it's a haunted evening or a haunted disco or because it's it's

taken as read that that's a bit of fun uh and not something that you can actually sue about however outside of the asa world there have been quite a few examples of people suing around things not being haunted when it was supposed to be so um there was in america of course uh an instance of the owner of a building successfully suing someone else for saying that their building was haunted when it wasn't so this is the owner of a property prove it prove it's not if the owner of a property called staley mill in columbus ohio an old windmill like jonathan creek lives in okay but american um so old yeah exactly exactly probably not that old

is there a mini golf course running through it she sued because a website operator claimed that her mill was haunted and then as a result loads of paranormal chaser type weirdos showed up and wrecked the place okay so you know trying to exorcise the demons and all this shit and it was her house so she successfully sued but really that was for damages of the property yeah so she got 125 000 so it wasn't really about the claim so much but it was thanks to the claim being erroneous and without her permission that she was able to sue for damages to the property. There's also an example in the UK of someone suing because there are ghosts, but they lost. So this was a couple from Derbyshire who bought a house in the 90s, or at least they exchanged on the house,

but refused to complete when they found out that the agents had not disclosed the existence of a pig-faced boy with fiery red eyes oh wow that wasn't on the particulars unsurprisingly um so the agents then sued the couple for not completing but the couple did lose because the judge was like it doesn't matter whether you were told about a pig-faced boy or not it's bullshit have you seen this uh potential lawsuit over The Conjuring as well? No. So you know the Warner Brothers movie The Conjuring. Which one is it?

Because I'm now really mixed up between all of the various different eerie films. There's the one with the doll. The sequel with the doll. That's Annabelle, I think. The one with the doll? Oh, okay. Not Child's Play. No, no.

There's a recent doll. Yes, recent doll yes recent doll apparently very scary uh well the conjuring is the one that's supposedly set on the true life story of the warrens who are a couple of paranormal chasers they're both called warren they are yes the warrens is the surname the warrens in the 1970s went around hunting ghosts but not in a fun way like the ghostbusters and they wrote a it's classified as a non-fiction novel what i know excuse me breakdown a non-fiction novel well basically both narrative non-fiction in the 70s they contacted a novelist called gerard brittle and they said we would like you to write our memoirs. And they collaborated on, you know, an autobiography. Well, a biography, I suppose, because it was written by a third party.

But it's written like a novel because he's a novelist. So it's fictionalised reality. Exactly. They claim it's fictionalised reality based on their life story. Exactly. Now, he, as the novelist who wrote the non-fiction novel, maintained rights on those stories, which is based on the Warren's life story,

which Warner Brothers did not buy. So Warner Brothers did not buy the rights to the book, then made a series of films that's made over $900 million in revenues and claimed that those films were not based upon the books which are the sole documentation of the hauntings, but instead based upon the books which are the sole documentation of the hauntings, but instead based upon historical facts because it's the Warrens' life story and he doesn't own the rights to their life story.

Right. So if these things are real facts, then you can't have created them so he has no intellectual property rights. So the issue that they're now in is that Warner Brothers are now in a position, and they might win because they've got lots of money, but they're now in a position where they are going to have to defend in court that uh there were ghosts a witch existed at a farmhouse she hanged herself

there was satanic worship and child sacrifice happening there and there is no documentation for that apart from the novel on which they claim it isn't based the non-fiction the non-fiction novel this is probably why the film and tv rights are being bought up for a lot of podcasts, because even though they didn't invent the factual information that they're portraying, it's kind of easier to just buy it. That's probably cheaper than a lawsuit later on, if they then follow the same narrative structure or whatever. Yeah, exactly.

And the fact-checking and things like that. And yet, Columbia TriStar have not been on the phone to get Answer Me This. We've spoken about many things over the last 11 years. Give it time, Ollie. How much more time? Almost any film that comes out, we've talked about it first. What was that banana that someone's mum used to make that looked like a bellend? Oh, the candlelight salad.

Yeah, I want someone to make candlelight salad the movie and pay us for the rights for that. No, I'm going to have to look this up. That would be a really fun Christmas caper where you go home for Christmas, it's already awkward in that comedic way and then your mum brings out this salad that looks like a cock. Yeah.

No reason why that couldn't be a good film. So is that thing that looks like a bellend meant to be the flame? Yes. Martin's looking at pictures now. He's looking at the pictures. An example, Martin, something we've discussed on the podcast twice before. Just to recap. Twice? Okay.

The candle is played by a banana. It is set into a pineapple ring. To make it vertical. And it has a glassy cherry flame atop. And it has a sort of trail of cream running down the... I'm going to describe it as the shaft. Like I say, one of my favourite moments from the podcast over the last decade. Make it a film, folks.

Had I forgotten about this? And now also, you can sell the film rights of us talking about the film rights legal row of the conjuring yes and then yeah exactly and then you could base the next conjuring movie on this discussion rather than the non-fiction novel or the historical events and then you wouldn't have to pay anything the silicon roundabouts my favorite place to become a webpreneur would be really ace like that awesome guy tom who was my first friend on myspace we haven't kept in touch get your foot on the ladder to online success through squarespace build a site and get a free web address then hang around east london until you get hired in the us. Mountain View is calling.

Google have free buffet. Thank you, Squarespace, for sponsoring this episode of Answer Me This. Yes, you're sounding very husky when you say that. Yeah, I've gone Kathleen Turner. You are Squarespace. You like Squarespace so much. I do.

You've turned into a sex kitten about it. Have I? I'm not sure I'd go that way. No, you just haven't got a lozenge. Squarespace, do you do lozenges? They don't. I bet if you did, you'd make my throat a much clearer place as your templates make websites much clearer. They certainly do, yeah.

If you've never used Squarespace before, well, you might have done inadvertently. You might have just stumbled across a really beautifully designed website and thought, Thank God, this is user-friendly. How? Look at this glorious white space. Look at how the images don't look out of whack on all my different devices look how accessible the sidebar is but you may not have realized that

that is in fact a squarespace template uh which if you're someone who wants your own website could certainly benefit you as it does us over at answer me this store.com they have dozens of award-winning templates for you to choose from and they they make it so that when you look at the version on mobile suddenly it all works just as easy as on desktop so you can click the little button in the top right hand corner and you get the drop down menu seamless and the same on tablets as well yeah but when you're building that website you don't have to think is this gonna work on mobile is it i don't want to have to think about that you don't have to have that nagging feeling squarespace is having that nagging feeling

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That's what I want from my wedding invitations, conformity. Standardisation. However, there was also an inserted card containing a link to an alternative not safe for work wedding list. With grave misgivings, I clicked the link and my worst fears were confirmed. The link led to an online purveyor of adult goods. They sell 12 packs of Civil War videos. I'm not talking mildly naughty novelty items like edible knickers and massage oil i'm

talking every type of huge dildo or vibrator under the sun gnarly butt plugs cock rings speculums prostate massages and all manner of bondage paraphernalia of the most brutal kind imaginable i imagine that they don't think they're going to get all those items, though. But if you're asking, go for it, right? It's my wedding list. I should really push the boat out. Wedding lists are usually so boring. Yeah. If usually the best case scenario is you get to buy somebody napkins that aren't cream,

this is great. Agree. But Ollie, answer me this. Am I getting prudish in my old age? Is it now completely normal to expect your guests to buy you this sort of stuff for your wedding? A few additional notes. While most of our mutual friends received a link to this list, there is at least one, a school friend who is now a priest,

who received their invitation minus the NSFW link. Yeah, that really is NSF, his particular place of W. So we assume that all the grandparents, aunties and uncles will have also been spared the horror. Oh, come on, it's not a horror. So I think it's right that they've shown some distinction and actually that plays to another reason why this is all right, I think. If they've just sent it to their relatively saucy and accepting friends,

maybe they've just misjudged you. The other caveat is we know the grooming question well enough to know that the link wasn't sent for lols. Well, no, you don't want a truckload of dildos unless you're going to use them absolutely yeah i'm just gonna go that old saying i think it's great to actually be able to buy somebody something for their wedding that they genuinely want because so often you feel like people are like well i guess we should get some nice champagne flutes but could live without them i do think though in reality if any of my actual friends who i know well if your wedding list included vibrators and dildos

i would not buy you one and i would find it a bit weird that you'd sent it is is that because i'm a massive square though because anonymous is saying i know the groom well enough to know that this wasn't a laugh so maybe this couple is much more open about their sexuality than i am but for me you would find it unusual that i would mention anything like this at all i mean as you were talking i was just thinking about the the other lady that i podcast with who answers questions which is alex fox who answers sex questions on the modern man that'd be totally on brand if she wanted like a really great dildo as a wedding present you'd be like absolutely yes you're right i I wouldn't think it was at all weird if Alex Fox gets married that her wedding list, because she talks about it all the time,

is all her favourite vibrators and dildos that she's used over the last 10 years. Well, just better versions of those because you might think, well, I wouldn't buy a thousand pound dildo for myself, but this is treat time. Fine. But I wasn't thinking necessarily of just you when I thought. I was thinking about all my friends. So it's not that you're a massive square. Yes, okay.

I am a massive square. Fine. So you've got Zaltzman on one end of the scale and Fox on the other. But it's all the 50 shades of grey, pardon the pun, in between, isn't it? I think it's harder the other way around. Because I think when you look at wedding gifts, you go, oh yeah, Ollie bought me that champagne flute. I'm not thinking that's a nice champagne flute.

I just wouldn't want to be going into my store cupboard and going, oh, Ollie got me that dildo. Who should we fuck with tonight? Yeah. We'll use the Dan butt plug. So maybe that's another inhibition that you have to get over, of like, yeah, sure,

I remember that Ollie bought me that dildo, but I'm still going to enjoy sex with it. I bought my friends Alex and Jen a hedgehog run off their wedding list last year. Now I'm wondering what that really is. Yeah, maybe everyone else's wedding lists are actually just euphemistic names i think maybe it is always a risk to go off piece with the wedding list which is maybe why

most wedding lists are boring items that people who've cohabited don't really need because when you go for something a little more unusual then people get judgmental so my friends alex and nick had seen this glass sculpture that they really loved and for the wedding list you could contribute different amounts they'd made it fun so um we contributed like the hat brim because the sculpture was i think it was a clown with a bird on its hat it was a brightly colored glass sculpture and they said this is what we've gone for and all of our friends have told us that they hate it. How much did they need to raise to buy the sculpture? It was a lot.

Roughly. Thousands. Thousands, yeah. I think they topped it up. You do get judgmental, don't you? Whereas when it's someone's honeymoon fund, you don't get judgmental because you think, well,

that's their opportunity to go to a five-star hotel in the Caribbean and spend money or something. Oh, where are you going? Caribbean. You contribute the same amount as you would to a present. Yeah. Even though it is just for someone

to spiff away some money. I love the honeymoon fund option. Happy with it. Yeah, that's what we did. Except the clown sculpture option is, you know, it's just as indulgent. It just seems less necessary.

Even though actually it'll last, you know, for the whole of their marriage. No, well, it's glass. It's breakable. Sure. If they have a War of the roses style fight then it might be the first to go stumbles into the coffee table but i think they were just a bit

upset that their friends didn't love the sculpture as much as they did i think this sex trend generally in marriages the trend of people having sex during marriage well actually no i genuinely the the trend for people being more explicit about the fact that part of a union between two people is sexual i don't know if you saw this story it was a few weeks ago of a couple who simulated a sex act as the sun had it but in actual fact just pretended that the lady was giving a blow job to the gentleman in their wedding outfits as part of their official wedding photos oh wow no it. It was kind of funny. So I thought it was funny.

I looked into it and as far as I can tell, another couple, a Dutch couple, of course, they had started this trend a couple of months ago. But in their photo, it was spontaneous. So they were doing fun wedding photos. They'd got a vintage truck and they did a photo where it looked like they were banging in the truck, but you could just see their feet hanging out the truck.

And their mother-in-law, apparently the bride's mum, had said, do one where you suck him off, banging in the truck but you could just see their feet hanging out and their mother-in-law apparently the bride's mum had said do one where you suck him off which is weird but they're dutch and um so they thought it was funny so they spontaneously just did a photo where all that happened is the husband uh the groom dropped his trousers he still had his boxers on yeah and the lady administered from the front a simulated blow job and the picture was taken from behind right so it's a bit shocking but it's part of a series of novelty photos wedding novelty memes these set me up like when it was the record scratch and you start doing a dance to baby got back oh yeah that's stopping instead of a slow waltz yeah sandy beach photos what do you mean sandy beach photos like women in their wedding dresses like getting all muck on them oh yeah destroy the dress or whatever

it's called that meme yeah so anyway so this photo went viral the dutch couple and then i guess that must be what the british couple had seen that did it in roads they got married in roads except where they misjudged it is a he took his pants down as well right so you are looking at his arse and yes they're simulating him being sucked off but all that's missing for him to actually be being sucked off in that picture is an erection right so that would count as soft porn and b they did it on the place where they got married which was a monastery oh um so the the uh bishop of roads then actually banned any foreigners getting married at the monastery at all so there's currently a fight now between all of the people who are due to have their weddings

in this monastery in Rhodes, who spent thousands bringing their family over, and the bishop. But anyway, the trend's clear. People are sexualising their wedding photos. So it's not just wedding guests. Two people. Well, two couples. And then one of the couples has had such huge repercussions that that may not happen again.

Maybe that's ended it. That's the backlash. It's over. If you don't even know what a question is then you're probably at the wrong place because religion's on Godcasts dogs are on Dogcasts fish are on Rodcasts but we don't do fish because on this podcast

you answer me this this episode of answer me this is sponsored by our friends at first direct yes they were the first bank that got rid of high street branches and opening hours because they were like you know what don't need that be available to our customers 24 7 digital world mate isn't it you might want to do your banking at two o'clock in the morning yeah i'm often lying away thinking oh god i need to sort out my finances but also they can't help with anxiety no it just helps you move money but if i got on the phone to first direct then maybe they would be like they're there it's gonna be all right yes this is doable this is manageable i spoke to a friend of mine actually who banks with first direct i know this

not because we have conversations about banking in real life, but because we were splitting a bill and he put his credit card down on the table and it was one of the pretty First Direct ones. And I said, oh, you bank with them because they're sponsoring our show at the moment. And he says, oh yeah, I've done it for years. This guy's a technology journalist. Oh yeah, so he knows his website.

He loves the website. But actually it wasn't because of their website. He said, I've been doing it for years and the reason is, he's also an insomniac. He said, the reason is I can call at one o'clock in the morning and speak to a real person about my bank account and he said that's the most valuable thing you can find out more about first direct at first direct.com and first direct have sent us helen a question of finance oh yes because this is our area of expertise and it's this helen answer me this how do i reach my

financial goals without missing out? Do you mean without missing out on life experiences? That's an interesting question. Yeah, how can I save for a mortgage and go and watch Bruce Springsteen in concert? Yeah, I mean, I know how this feels because I was earning very, very little for most of my 20s and a lot of my 30s. Never guessed that you'd make your fortune through podcasting, did you? No, absolutely not. And to be honest, I think I did miss out what did you miss helen let's make this therapy i missed being able to afford to leave the house and get on a tuba or bus so seriously

did you use to what was the answer then walk uh stealing change from martin however i didn't miss most of the stuff i couldn't have so i say missing. I think I didn't feel like I was missing out on things like holidays because the way that I was raised, we didn't have much spare cash. And I would try and coach yourself into the mindset of not wanting things that you can't have because it's much easier to be content that way. Although try and keep some ambition. However, there are other ways in which you can have a fun time just on the cheap. So I used to have friends around a lot. So I got social fun. I don't drink.

But even if I had drunk, they would always bring booze with them. So if you can't afford booze, get your friends around, cook them a meal, which can be cheap stuff. Like I did a lot of roast vegetable based things with vegetables I got from the market or a cheap local shop or something. And as long as people are having a fun time with the fun company, the food doesn't have to be super fancy no exactly i think just having a welcoming hosty attitude covers for a lot of luxury also there is often a lot of free stuff happening in different towns isn't there there'll be like exhibitions or sometimes film festivals and things like that where they have free screenings or even weird receptions where you can sneak in and eat other

people's canapes well museums are free in this country, aren't they? Generally. We're very, very lucky in that way. But a lot of them are, yeah. A lot of them are. So you learn. Enrich your brain whilst your friends are out watching things that cost money. Sit out of the rain.

Yeah. Even in terms of paid experiences, though, there are ways of raising the money just from the detritus of modern life. And I'm thinking here of eBay. Oh, yeah. Because at the moment, so we of ebay oh yeah because at the moment i'm so we're having our house extension built at the moment don't get me started on how you say for one of those um as a result of that happening i've had to clear a lot of space because

the garage is where we used to store everything that we sort of didn't want to throw away but didn't really need and that was your costco space it was my costco space my costco you make it sound like my safe space are you extending your house so you've got a two-story Costco space? Essentially, yes. But it means that, you know, at the moment, because we haven't got the extension built, they've just destroyed what was there. Everything that was in the garage, so

ten years worth of toilet roll, that has now had to move into the house. And included in that are things that I've thought, you know what, I don't need. So, for example, my dad's Chesterfield sofa. It's nice. I don't have space in the house for a Chesterfield sofa. Do you want to play a guess and guess how much these things went for, right?

All right. Chesterfield, how much? Have you seen it? It's slightly knackered. The cushions are broken. Is it leather? It is leather. Yeah, it's real leather.

Two or three seat? It's two seat. Okay. Battered seats though. I mean, knackered. It's an inconvenience isn't it because someone's got to get a van to pick up exactly yes in a sense they're paying you just to come and take it away yeah so i think you could probably get more for a smaller piece

of furniture like a chair so i'm going to say maybe 70 quid martin 300 quid oh it was actually right in the middle 200 200 pounds that was my first guess and then I second guessed myself. Went too low. Idiot. HTC1M8. How much? What's that? It's the... Phone? Yeah, it's their premium smartphone from three years ago.

So equivalent to like a Galaxy Note 6 or so. 129. 60 pounds. It was the absolute top end one. Like maximum storage and stuff. But I haven't told you. I should now qualify.

Was it screen cracked? Scratched camera lens. Which actually makes the pictures look really beautiful like an instagram filter but you know i can't choose not to have the weird light coming through it okay i'm gonna revise gives everyone a halo how much 90 40 30 i was disappointed by that three-year-old smartphone i'm really good at this game you could be on the prices right martin okay finally ipod classic oh i'd love one of them I bet that's got retro value actually it had

every single episode of Answer Me This on it until when though that doubled the value I did wonder to myself I did wipe it before I sent it out

but I did wonder would that increase the value or make it worse I don't know up to which episode up to about 180 actually I haven't seen it

okay so that sort of locates it in time yes oh yeah it's like a 2011 mod what colour white but again maximum storage I think it was 160 gig intact Okay, so that sort of locates it in time. Yes. Oh, yeah, it's like a 2011 model. What colour? White, but again, maximum storage.

I think it was 160 gig. Intact? Intact, good quality, yes. But can't go on the internet, you know, pre-Wi-Fi. So you have to sync it with a cable with iTunes, and it's the old cable. Very close, 80. So I was pleased with that.

Anyway, point being, even if you think you don't have much, you know, around you that's worth much, as it turns out, people will pay for any old stuff. And also, I think the point we're making is that you should separate your sense of things that are meaningful and enjoyable from material things. And so you can still enjoy yourself.

Well, that's easier said than done. That's the goal of every Buddhist master. Look how Buddhist I am. I think also when I was younger, I definitely felt that it was quite important not to only be able to have fun if you were spending money. Yeah, if you've ever been a student, you probably learnt the art of having fun without that much money.

And I think it's fine to continue that into later adulthood. One final idea, and this is from my own experience, you know, doing this crazy job that we do. It's financially unpredictable. Claim to be an crazy job that we do it's it's financially unpredictable claim to be an influencer like seriously it's not that difficult no there's no price high enough for what that does to your soul but i mean it's astonishing isn't it that you can build up an audience on instagram these days and then sell that space because it's been six years now since i reviewed films for free for ian dale's now defunct rival to the huffington post

and yet still i get emails inviting me to screenings of films now i'm nobody like no one cares what i think about films and no one really has noticed that i did or then stopped being a film critic yes it's like i keep getting sent free books i haven't reviewed a book professionally since 2013 yeah yeah i get sent sent information about bioengineering conferences. But if you are missing out on cultural events, just blog about a few of them and then apply for a press pass. People, if they don't understand enough about the world, will just assume that you're an influencer.

And then once you're on the list, you get loads of stuff for free. This is actually a really good tip. Yeah, the problem is you can't bring your friends, really. You have to have a certain blagging mindset and personality there, I think. Possibly, yes. And you have to be available at three in the afternoon to go to soho to watch a film which

in itself costs money and the film is probably rubbish like cars 2 i got a free ticket to watch cars 2 not worth it but free yeah still not worth it yeah but think of all the money you were saving whilst you're at cars 2 it was a nice room to sleep in it was very comfortable not spending money at that time yes red leather seats on darbly street and i got to sit next to mark kermode free drinks oh uh yes i think they were probably free soft drinks okay yeah sometimes there's free beers this is a great pretend to be a film critic that's my tip i'm an answer me this fan i listen with my nan she is not so keen She finds it too obscene I follow them on Twitter

Though Ashton Kutcher's fitter I want to take things further Just one step short of murder I want to look like Olly Mann I want to smell like Olly Mann I want to feel like Olly Mann I want to taste like Olly Mann I want to look like Olly Mann

I want to taste like Olly Mann I want to feel like Olly Mann Here is a question from Jake who says, Ollie, answer me this. Is the grass in the centre of Leicester Square a park? My deluded girlfriend and I nearly break up every time we discuss the matter. Please help. Every time, Ollie. Every time. I mean, how often does this come up in your relationship?

Once or twice a day? In every relationship, it comes up at least twice a day. You used to work in Leicester Square. Twice. Two different careers. Once as a ticket operator for Ticketmaster, once as a presenter on lbc so stands both sides of the square and yet how often do you have this conversation about

whether it's a park what constitutes a park so okay i mean let me just answer the question quickly to put jake out of his misery although he hasn't told us which side he falls down on or indeed what the other options are well he's just said that his girlfriend's deluded yes but does that mean that she thinks it is something else or that she thinks it is the park? I reckon she would therefore think it's a park and he's like, it can't be a park. It's too small to be a park.

It's full of stuff. Okay, you're kind of both right, but she's more right if that's the case. Because yes, it is on the list of parks managed by the city of Westminster. So it comes under the parks management team. There's a list of parks. by the city of westminster so it comes under the parks management team okay there's a list of parks it's one of them however right if your debate is whether it is a park or a gardens it is both you know it's managed as a park but it is a gardens the official name

for it is leicester square gardens right so as far as i can work out all gardens in the city of westminster are also parks you, public gardens of this kind. So every square, even if it's like a residential square that is... If it's managed by the council, it's a park. Even if it's actually a garden. Okay. A garden is a type of park. A big leafy park is another type of park.

So that's a managerial explanation for whether or not it's a park. Gardens are a sub-genre of park from a council perspective. Okay. And from a human perspective, emotionally. It's more a garden than a park, I agree. Okay. Because you couldn't really let a dog run free in it, could you? You couldn't really go and set up a barbecue there.

So for people, especially outside the UK who haven't been to Leicester Square Gardens... It's right in the centre of London. I mean, it's essentially a pedestrian route from one side of a busy square to another that includes some grass and a statue and a water fountain, but it's not really a park. It's somewhere you might go and have a sandwich or make a call if you work there.

Is there any grass in it anymore? Yes. Little bits? Well, sometimes there are funfairs there, so that ruins it all. But yeah, during the summer, yeah. I wouldn't say a healthy amount because it's got lots of chocolate wrappers

squished into it, but yeah. They've recently rejigged it, haven't they? So it's got lots of chocolate wrappers squished into it but yeah they've recently um rejigged it haven't they so it's got some quite uh sculptural benches and stuff it has bonus point if you remember who the statue in the middle is of oh god um no not him is it of an old military commander no martin cares guess it's a creative is it camera mcintosh no but it should be someone like that no in all seriousness it's very close to theater land uh-huh it's where you know all the british film premieres are so i think it should be someone like hitchcock or elizabeth taylor or judy dench exactly well i think it should be someone dead but it's shakespeare now i'm i'm a shakespeare fan i don't think he'd be keen to be outside tgi fridays he was more of a south bank guy anyway

yeah yeah he's got plenty of other places you don't walk in le be keen to be outside TGI Fridays. He was more of a South Bank guy anyway. Probably by the Globe. He's got plenty of other places. You don't walk in Leicester Square and think, Aha, Eminem's world, Shakespeare. Should be Hitchcock. Because he's probably the most significant British influence on cinema for the last hundred years. But then if you want to see a nice Hitchcock-y tribute, then you have to go to Leytonstone Tube Station.

Well, precisely. What's up with that? Stick it in Leicester Square. Or Chaplin. Nothing wrong with Shakespeare, but it's memorialised enough. Chaplin born on the Walworth Road and God knows they need some statues and stuff on there.

Here's a question from Kirsty from Yorkshire who says, Helen, answer me this. Is cheesecake a cake? I mean, before we get into the legalities of this, can I just say straight away yes it's called cheesecake i mean as far as i'm saying yes but we'll i'll entertain the debate but basically yes we've had food semantic questions before like what constitutes a salad and that proved surprisingly complicated and whether things like hot dogs and burgers are sandwiches

it's tricky oliver well she says my friends and myself are caught in a debate about this most serious of issues. I bet. I would argue that the biscuit base and creamy filling are insufficiently cake-like and would classify it as a tart if pushed, but really a dessert. But can it not be named a cake but be a dessert? Can we just qualify tart? I mean, I've never really thought what makes a tart now. Probably a thing which is mostly open on top

and has a pastry or similar undercrust. I don't know quite what the ingredients are to cheesecake. Well, Kirsty says, the definition of cake that we found from HM Customs and Revenue, God, they've done quite a lot of our work for us, was, quote, flour or egg-based food, which probably does exclude cheesecake,

but includes lasagna. Is lasagna a cake oh stop it that's silly yes i bet it said more than this about what constitutes cake i tried to look it up but um it came up with the whole jaffa cake thing like pages and pages about the jaffa cake ruling and i just i can't go back there we covered that before right yeah so what have you discovered with moderate cake search on well i think that kirsty's definition of cakes are very limited she's thinking a cake has to be a sponge cake that texture that kind of look however yeah kirsty open your mind a cake in the oxford

dictionary's definition the noun i mean forget the verb for now right definition one an item of soft sweet food made from a mixture of flour, fat, eggs, sugar and other ingredients, baked and sometimes iced or decorated. Definition two of cake. An item of savoury food formed into a flat round shape and typically baked or fried. So there you're thinking potato cake. Oh, OK. That's interesting.

Definition 2.1. A flattish, compact mass of something, especially soap. So really... What? Interesting. Like a cake of soap. Yeah. No, I don't.

You're both saying it like it's a normal thing. Well, it's like it's another... It's sort of a synonym for a bar. The point is, a cake of something is a sort of disc-like, usually quite dense formation. Like a puck. Like a puck. So actually, a cake like we think, like a sponge cake, that's almost a subset of cake.

So a soap cake, a potato cake, a sponge cake, and a cheesecake, I'd say are all subsets of just this idea of a cake being this disc that is shorter than it is wide. So a cheesecake, in the the oxford dictionary's definition one a kind of rich sweet tart made with cream and soft cheese on a biscuit base two an informal mass noun images portraying women in a manner which emphasizes idealized or stereotypical sexual attractiveness what yes i'd never heard that cheesecake never ever i can tell you something that might put everybody off cheesecakes right now.

There was an ancient Roman cheesecake called placenta. Because placenta means flat cake. It's derived from Greek. And placenta uterina was the uterine cake. So the placenta that a baby is attached to in the womb, that is another subset of cake. But to be clear, you're not saying that they ate placenta and baked it

into a cheesecake, you're saying... I'm not saying they didn't either. No. Well that brings us to the end of the show but please do send us a question for future episodes you can email us you can call us on Skype or phone you can email us a voice memo All our contact details are on our website

AnswerMeThisPodcast.com Also there you will find links to buy our classic content you can email us a voice memo all our contact details are on our website answer me this podcast dot com also there you will find links to buy our classic content remember you can buy our first 200 episodes as well as our best ofs our albums and our apps at answer me this store.com yeah too early to suggest maybe answer me this christmas start working that into your playlist never too early no some people have been preparing for christmas since june especially if they work in retail they took a break for ha for Halloween and now it's Christmas. It is basically Christmas. Sorry. Answer Me This Christmas is on there, an hour of us talking about

festive stuff. Yeah, not just Christmas, other festivities that happen around the same time. Yes. Also links on there to follow us on social media, Facebook and Twitter and elsewhere on the internet. You can find us talking in your ears as well. Olly is at modernman with a double N,.co.uk Yes, that is my weekly

magazine show about sex and trends and amazing life stories. Martin is at songbysongpodcast.com I am. But you can not only hear me talking

but you can hear me singing this month because on November 3rd I'll have a new album out which is called 10 Things Which Aren't Love. It's got 12 tracks. You have to figure out

which are the 10 and which are the 2. You can get it on palebird.bandcamp.com And you can find my show the illusionist at theillusionist.org halfway through the month we put out a retro episode of answer me this from behind the paywall but with new commentary from our older selves reflecting upon our younger and yes there'll be another one of those along halfway through november indeed

and then we'll be back with all new answer me this, the last of the year, on the first Thursday of December. Bye!