Answer Me This! - AMT358: Sexy Yoghurt, Chutney, and Your Friend's Gross Hot Tub

Episode Date: January 4, 2018

It's AMT's 11th birthday! To celebrate, we can't replicate how Olly spent his own 11th birthday, at Cody's Tex-Mex restaurant in Stevenage, because it closed down. So instead we've made some mild-to-moderate life changes - hear all about them AMT358. Find out more about this episode at http://answermethispodcast.com/episode358. Send us questions for future episodes: email words or voice memos to [e-mail], call 0208 123 5877, Skype answermethis. Tweet us http://twitter.com/helenandolly Facebook http://facebook.com/answermethis Subscribe on iTunes http://iTunes.com/AnswerMeThis Buy old episodes, albums and our Best Of compilations at http://answermethisstore.com Hear Helen Zaltzman's podcast The Allusionist at http://theallusionist.org, Olly Mann's The Modern Mann at http://modernmann.co.uk, and Martin Austwick's Song By Song at http://songbysongpodcast.com. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Does dry January mean I don't have to wash? Answer me this, answer me this Who's your favourite pit, Brad, William or Marsh? Answer me this, answer me this Helen and Molly, answer me this Happy New Year! It's 2018! That's a fact for you. 2018, aka, answer me, this is 12th year.

Yeah, that's a second fact for you. There we are. We're starting the show with two facts within 10 seconds. That's what people love about this show. They're pretty mild facts. So we're just easing you in to the new year. Easily absorbed facts. I often say the listener loves a simple fact

because it's something that they can easily join in with, Helen. I've discovered this from doing phone in radio. If you say, what day of the week is it? Switchboard goes mad. But on the other hand, if the fact is too simple, then people don't get the pleasure of repeating it to someone else. Did you know? Did you know it's 2018?

They're like, are you okay? You're absolutely right. There's no podcast pub trivia skill in saying, you'll never guess what I heard on a podcast the other day. It's 2018. So consider this very much a warm-up, rather than the top-line facts that we will give you to repeat to other people. An hors d'oeuvre.

A little packet of free peanuts on the plane before they bring you your hot mush. Now, you've been travelling quite a lot recently, so you can update me on this, but do they still do peanuts on planes? Because I was led to believe because of nut allergies, that wasn't really a thing anymore. Yeah, peanuts and pretzels we got on our most recent flight. All the peas. And the reason you've been travelling a lot recently, I feel it's important to share this with the listeners.

Now we're actually on separate continents. Yes, we are. You've gone travelling the world. You're international dog sitters, basically. Essentially, Martin and I decided to implement a life change. Around the end of October 2017, since we were without a home anyway, we decided to be internationally homeless.

Because why not, right? So Martin quit his job and he's now fun employed. And he's fun employed in different countries while I work to keep him. That's great. We're in the USA at the moment. We in south america for a month before that you are um so i'm being serious about the dog sitting thing you're literally we're recording this now remotely i'm in london yeah you're somewhere what near san francisco and you are looking after someone's dog we're in oakland and we're looking after our friend delaney's dog rita for two weeks and the

fun thing about rita is that she's the same kind of dog as in the Doge memes. So you can just look at her and imagine Comic Sans words around her face. That is fun. But to be clear, you are travelling sort of open-endedly. It's not like you're saying, yeah, we're coming back in March or we're coming back even in the summer.

You don't know what you're going to do with the rest of your life. It's basically what's happening now. No idea. Any suggestions? It's quite exciting, isn't it? It is exciting, unless my money runs out, in which case it's a shit idea. Now, you probably want to know all about Helena Marcin's international adventures.

And, of course, I'm sure there will eventually be a series on Discovery. Or a really unbearable Tumblr, at the very least. People travel the world in the meantime we're kicking off this year of answer me this with this question from sam in bratislava that's the capital of slovakia by the way i've done the googling so you don't have to and sam says we did secret santa at work but why do you sigh helen i've just never heard of a particularly positive secret santa outcome from a workplace secret santa situation yeah it's a bit like the christmas but why do you sigh Helen? I've just never heard of a particularly positive secret Santa outcome from a workplace secret Santa situation. Yeah it's a bit like the Christmas cracker gift in a way

isn't it? Like even if you get a really good Christmas cracker gift you're like yes I will use this mini screwdriver set at the end of the day it's never on anyone's actual Christmas present wish list mini screwdriver set. He says much to my dis dismay, the person... See, we trade on dismay, Helen. This is looking good. Without dismay, what are we going to talk about? The person who had to buy a gift for me chose to get me a goldfish. What? That is bold. I have a cat at home, as they knew, and I was neither prepared nor equipped for such an unusual gift. Well, you've got a cat

and fish haven't you Ollie? I have. They're indifferent to each other. So Sam says I was all a bit cavalier about this at first commenting that the fish would most likely die the first night that I got it home but then feeling I was being callous about the fish's well-being I decided I would do my duty and care for it as best I can. You've been given a responsibility by Santa. Because Santa sensed you already. I have named her dinner, continues Sam, as in the cats. Oh, come on. It's like you're not even trying. Helen answers me this.

Am I right to be annoyed by my colleague's ill-conceived gift? I personally think pets are terrible presents for any occasion unless the receiver has expressly mentioned wanting said pet. I think it's fairly legitimate to be annoyed. Did you just get the fish or did you get the fish bowl as well? Because if you had to buy the fish tank, that's a big outlay. I think it's reasonable to assume that the fish came contained in some water somehow. Yeah, but what if it was just a plastic bag full of water or Tupperware or something?

Yeah, because then what they're giving you isn't a present. It's a problem, isn't it? Yeah. I mean, they're giving you the challenge of, on this last day at work where you want to go out and get drunk, sustain this life force. Okay, so what's the best secret Santa gift, given that most people would probably get mugs or socks, and people already have mugs and socks generally?

It's got to be something that's essentially boring, that you'd never ask for from your family or real friends, but that you'd be relatively grateful to be given. Oven gloves. I can never find the oven gloves when I need them. Posh olives I'd always be happy with. Yeah, but I'd say no jars of chutney or jam. Chutney? What is it with the British and the chutney what is it with the british and the chutney i don't get it how much chutney do you need in your life less less than the amount that is in the

fridge i don't know what you need it for you i don't have that much need to lubricate a cracker in my life one jar a year is all you need and exactly if martin and i ever do have a home again there's going to be a jamnesty based on how many largely uneaten jars of chutney it ended up in our fridge because of christmas uh mainly blame christmas amazing is that from the brain of helen zaltzman jamnesty yeah that's a portmanteau you all get to keep uh here's a question from caroline who says ollie answer me this why does nicole scherzinger always fall over when eating yogurt please even when there is nothing to fall over uh what she's she's referring to the uh Muller Fruit Corner ads have you not seen these I've

not seen her falling over I've seen her I think in the back of a taxi uh going yogurt no you see it's interesting this in that ad as in all ads with Nicole Scherzinger eating yogurt and then putting it all over her face she then falls over but you hadn't noticed so in that ad in the cab she then gets out the cab and falls over goes and then the caption comes up muller fruit corner it's dairy for ditzes yeah so that's what she's referring to is is every episode it is true that every ad with nicole scherzinger she eats the yogurt puts it on her nose and then falls over. Does she have a lactose intolerance that is really quite severe and very fast acting? I doubt it because she always laughs it off. The final shot is usually her laughing hysterically at her own clumsiness.

Does she have like an inner ear problem? I'll tell you what I think it is. I think it started because the sub brand within the muller corner empire that was scherzinger's was bliss corner uh-huh now what differentiates bliss from fruit helen it's a feeling of sensuality isn't it is it well no it's just air bubbles in yogurt but you can't make that sexy oh they made fizzy yogurt so the way that they differentiated the product was essentially to say it's such bliss eating our yogurt it makes you dizzy with sexual urges that's what they built the campaign on from the beginning um so the whole

sort of yogurt on your nose thing it looks a bit like jizz that's what's happening really right so sexy woman looks a bit like jizz makes a statement about the sexuality of the product, but then falls over. Now, I think the falling over originally was a swoon. Right. But as the ads have matured, because they've been tremendously successful. I mean, this campaign has been running for about five years now. And she has become really the face of Muller. Her nose must be rancid by now.

The yogurt coated face of Muller. I think as the campaign has matured, the joke has become that the swoon actually undermines the sexuality because it's slapstick. Well, it's a very common rom-com trope, isn't it? Beautiful, sexy woman. Oh, but what a ditz, so you can identify with her. Women don't need to feel threatened. Exactly that, yeah. And if you're watching thinking, oh, for God's sake, woman god's sake woman it's only yogurt stop pretending that it's jizz you have the satisfaction

of knowing in a minute she's going to fall over so i mean recently they've got this down to an art i mean the ads at the moment are like eight seconds long and contain all elements there was one in the summer that was for Pud Corner. And she literally says, ooh, chocolate coated balls and then falls backwards on her seat. That's very reductive. It's the edited highlights now. And I guess as well, I mean, it is a German company, Müller. And I suspect there's an element of this translating well overseas. You know, you've got a campaign for British audiences, which has been dictated by international executives.

A lot of slapstick. Exactly. And I think international executives understand beautiful woman, sexual metaphor, slapstick. Everyone gets that. It's the Holy Trinity. I have remained unfamiliar with Nicole Scherzinger's post-Pussycat Dolls work.

So when I first saw these ads, I thought when she was judging X Factor, is that what she was doing? She was and she was also playing Grizabella in Cats. And Cat got the yogurt. Cat got the yogurt that's the famous phrase. So I was just wondering whether on X Factor she had some kind of yogurty trademark that then these ads were playing on but no just she's a woman who will do ads. This is tenuous but before Nicole Scherzinger was the face of muller their slogan was mullerlicious yes she was known on the x factor for coming up with mad neologisms

she was like the helen zaltzman of the judging panel how dare you so like for example there was a guy called germaine and she said you're germazing things like like that. So in a weird way, I do wonder if initially at the brainstorm when they were like, we need a sexy woman to fall over and get jizz on her face, I wonder if the reason they came up with her was partly because it sort of made sense that she'd say mullalicious in a convincing way. You could imagine her saying mullalicious

without it sounding awkward because she says awkward things like that all the time anyway. So she's basically being employed for her sort of lexical abilities. Exactly, yeah. Well, I mean, there's numerous facets to it, which is why it's such a hit campaign. I think also you can say things like that if you don't have shame. Are you saying that you'd say no, Helen,

to a Muller Fruit Corner campaign? Because I bloody wouldn't. I mean, of all the brands you're going to advertise, everyone loves a Fruit Corner. I mean, let's be honest, it is king of supermarket yogurt i do love a fruit corner regardless of nicole scherzinger it's number one for a reason it's number one despite nicole scherzinger and you could so easily do that yourself with all of the excess jam that you got for christmas and a big tub of plain yogurt but the jamnesty, put it in a plastic container,

fruit corners forever. Crunch corner, get some Frosties, put it in some yoghurt. And yet, it's worth buying the product. I can't explain it. Here's a disturbing email

from Andrew and Kate in Melbourne, Australia. Some weeks ago, my somewhat tipsy girlfriend decided that my penis needed a nickname. I imagine this is Andrew, not Kate talking.

I assume so. After some musing over a glass of wine, she decided that Olly Mann would be a suitable nickname for my manhood. What? Why? Olly Mannhood. Flushed with success, my girlfriend decided her breasts also needed

nicknames. She was going to call them Helen and Ollie until I pointed out Ollie's name was already taken. Oh, that's right, yes. Once you've named your cock after me, Andrew, I can't be used again. She then decided that Helen and Martin would do nicely. If you must know, Helen is on the right and Martin's on the left.

Oh. So it's rare that you're on the right of anyone, Helen. Is that politics? Yeah, I mean, it was a slightly easy dig. In truth, Helen's not a raving commie. I don't take it as a dig. And there's a little hammer and sickle-shaped birthmark on the right breast.

In light of this disturbing story, answer me this. What are suitable nicknames for genitals? And what are the worst examples that you've ever heard of? Okay, the worst examples I can think of more readily, because I read an article in Cosmo. 15 hilarious names to call your boyfriend's dodger. So, like, the one that sticks in my mind was Moby. Oh. Like like Moby Dick

no one wants wordplay in that situation exactly but you also don't want to think about a bald trip-hop star at that point generally unless

you're actually fucking Moby in which case my nickname is penis Moby all of him is Moby do you think he sung oh lordy my

penis so hard whenever he got erased and then another one they suggested was Big Willie style. No. Awful. And then another one was Zeus. That's a bit self-aggrandising. That's grandstanding, isn't it? You've really got a lot

to live up to if you name it Zeus. Just terrible. Well, I know the worst example, and it's also maybe the most famous example. Oh, go on. In Judy Blume's novel Forever, Forever is the one that was a lot of people's introduction to sexual books. And

the male protagonist of the book, Michael, names his penis Ralph. Now, Ralph was Judy Blume's father's name. Oh! What? That is weird. Why? How? No. I can't... No, exactly.

I cannot imagine calling my wife's nunny karen you just call it nunny which is appalling some of the overly sexual ones for men as well i find like when they're like cum gun oh it's so i mean you're just a disgusting person compaction custard yeah yeah do people really say that well yeah some people i. Most people don't deserve genitals. I think lads say that. I think they do. Lads! My wife at one stage did take, ironically, to calling my penis Little Ollie.

It was kind of amusing. It was amusing. And for a while, we stuck with it. But then it's just so infantilising when you're actually trying to have sex. Yeah. I mean... Does Little Ollie want to come out to play?

Is that just... Any name is either infantilising or completely, like Zeus is completely a granddad thing. Yes, Zeus is the other end of the scale.

But at that moment, you just want to, you want to feel sexy so you don't want to be either made to feel ridiculous or ironic. Also, why are you treating

your penis as almost a separate person? Well, that I understand more readily in the male anatomy because I think, no, but I understand more readily in the male anatomy. Yeah, but I'm not sure it's healthy.

No, but I think, in one word, erections, basically. I think because erections can happen by surprise or they can happen as an indication of sexual interest, it's as if it has its own character. Yeah, but I think that's a sort of... That's a shock and comfortable and embarrassing when you're 15 and by the time you're, you know, 35. Probably something that you should become accustomed to yeah of course but that's the joke within a relationship that's why

people feel like they're being comfortable about it by making a joke about it so British though isn't it like that's a clear sign of discomfort if you're still making jokes about it yeah well that's it yeah if you can only talk about your private parts by giving them ridiculous nicknames you know oh Moby wants to come out and play what

his fourth album if you've got a question ridiculous nicknames. You know, oh, Moby wants to come out and play, what, his fourth album? If you've got a question, email your question to unsubmit this podcast at gmail.com unsubmit this podcast at gmail.com unsubmit this

oh, oh, oh unsubmit this oh, oh, oh Answer me! Oh! Answer me! Oh! So, Retrospectives, what historical events are we ticking off on this week's run of Today in History? On Monday, we bring you the real story of the mutiny on the bounty. On Tuesday, the anniversary of the day somebody invented the meatball, but who? On Wednesday, the iconic British car that ripped off an iconic American car. On Thursday, how American airlines invented air miles.

And on Friday, the UFO sighting that gripped colonial America. We discuss this and more on Today in History with The Retrospectors. Ten minutes each weekday, wherever you get your podcasts. Here's a question from James in Belfast who says, As a father of three girls, I have read and recounted many fairy tales and nursery rhymes over the years and some of them have always baffled me. Oli, answer me this, what is Snow White's Glass Coffin all about? Well, if I can, I know it's controversial to default to the Disney version as the authoritative version, but nonetheless, being me, that is what I'm going to do. And in the Disney version as the authoritative version but nonetheless being me that is what I'm going to do

and in the Disney version there is actually an on-screen caption explaining what the glass coffin is about. Is it about the voyeuristic display of an inert young woman? Yes although that's very much subtext and not what it says in the the uh captions of the 1937 film snow white strongly implied what it says is exactly this i'm going to quote verbatim so beautiful even in death that the dwarves could not find it in their hearts to bury her they fashioned a coffin of glass and gold and kept eternal vigil at her side but how do you fashion a coffin of glass gold? It seems like a very difficult material to fashion anything out of. They're miners. They work in a fucking mine, Helen.

There's gold everywhere. Gold is a very flexible substance because you can melt it, although it is quite soft, so presumably they did an alloy so that the coffin had some structural integrity. But glass, that's a special skill. But gold doesn't tarnish, so it will last a long time. I'm not arguing about the gold. I'm arguing about the glass.

It's a coffin material. Plot- plot wise the reason she's in a glass coffin is because that way the prince traveling through the land stumbles upon her is enchanted by her beauty and falls in love with her hot corpse exactly gross fairy tales are gross aren't they so well they are although it's interesting in the grimm's version yes they allude to necrophilia you know there's no question there is pent-up sexual desire and there's something going on about the man taking a woman in the most vulnerable possible state and by saying he wants to marry her she's not going to be a virgin anymore she becomes awoken all of that's going on but he doesn't actually fuck her well that's fine whereas in the disney version he does

kiss her and bring her to life non-consensually in the grim's version the prince sees her beautiful corpse and gets his servants to carry the coffin away now it's not entirely clear what he wants to do with her but presumably bury her respectfully is the idea thief i don't know probably like put her in a special room in his house and pose her in different configurations it's only because the servants are carrying the coffin away that they then stumble on some tree roots and dislodge the piece of poisoned apple from snow white's throat which awakens her so it's disney that introduced the kiss presumably because a corpse waking up and puking up apple everywhere isn't a great way to end but is this glass coffin also just in part of like a long fairy tale tradition of a passive woman like although

she's the star of her own story the crux of it is that she is physically incapacitated she's just an object of beauty that's the value she has to the outside world rather than her function since she has no function at that point and the coffin really is the metaphor that just like rams that home yes and in the disney version they're sort of quite explicit about that it starts with someday my prince will come. So it's basically saying right from the beginning, my destiny as a woman will be resolved when a man comes along and kisses my corpse. In an Albanian version of Snow White, the Snow White character,

instead of living with seven dwarves, lives with 40 dragons. It's kind of like Game of Thrones. That just sounds like when a father or a mother tells the story to their child and the child's bored so they just ramp up the yes i've become aware of myself doing this recently because something like snow white i'm more familiar with the story so i'm less likely to embellish it really but it occurred to me i've never seen there's no disney version of goldilocks and the Three Bears and the other day Harvey was eating some porridge

and so I thought I'll try this I'll road test this he's a bit young for stories but let's see let's give him a good scare let me tell you the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears

which has got a lot of porridge in it illegal trespassing can be rewarded well this is it as I started telling the story I realised there's really not very much to it like the story as I remember it is girl goes to a house the house is empty she tries three types of porridge she sits in three types of chairs she experiments in three types of beds and then sleeps in one of them the bears come back and say who are you? What happens are they are friends at the ends or or does she get savaged in my version i just

went for the middle road and goldilocks never tried anyone else's porridge again and then i thought what lesson am i teaching him i want him to eat his porridge yeah don't steal bears porridge and goldilocks fucked off forever no one liked her apparently goldilocks was originally an old woman and when she runs away because the bears catch her in the act of trespassing in their home um she runs away and breaks her neck oh wow the goldilocks version she tends to get away with it because you know young blondes everyone's like ah it's fine well also because the baby bear like again you become aware in the telling of the story that it's fine well also because the baby bear like again you become aware in the telling of the story that it's built on mummy bear and daddy bear and baby bear so

immediately like there's this kind of gentle element yeah baby bet you know the baby porridge the baby bed you're a baby isn't it sweet actually is about a criminal it's a really shit criminal like most burglars aren't just like, oh, I'll steal some porridge and have a lie down. Do you think this is why Disney have not done an animation of Goldilocks and the Three Bears? Because you think there's ample opportunity for good fun bear songs, but it's because Goldilocks is not a hero.

She's kind of an arse. She's an anti-hero. Yeah, but not in a fun way. She's just selfish. She's Dexter of the fairy tale world if when you died there was a public clamor to put you in a glass coffin and on display gross no would you no it's not nice but you know if the public demanded it helen would you feel like you had the right to resist that? Yes, because firstly, I think I don't want my coffin or my remains to be at my funeral.

I'd rather just have a wake with all the talking, but I don't need... Okay, but what's happened to you by that point? Have you thought about this? If you're not there, where are you? I don't care. Like in a furnace, in compost, whatever, medical research. If they need a body for a body farm to train people to excavate crime scenes, that's fine. I wouldn't mind if my skull ended up on someone's desk as a paperweight, but that's about it. But I've always thought I didn't want a funeral type of funeral. open casket funerals which are popular here in america that always seems a little bit too luxuriant in death and also because of what happens to a body after death there's so much

makeup on the corpse and that seems like a bit of an invasion as well you know painting on the face well it's part of the grief process for a lot of people isn't it they feel it's easier to say their final goodbyes to a body that looks like they did when they were alive even if that's a contrivance and i suppose that's what the dwarves were feeling you know right although actually if you watch the cartoon like so she gets woken up by the prince who she's never met before she wakes up she throws her arms around him no apple gets dislodged there's no vomit there nothing. And she ignores the dwarves for like a minute. And it's

the dwarves to whom she owes her life. Her breath must have been foul. Absolutely. And also like a lot of the animals that have been paying tribute to her themselves are rather smelly. Like she's surrounded by deer and skunks and squirrels and stuff. Yeah, you never consider if the glass coffin is covered in bird shit.

I don't know if you've ever helped your mum build a website. It is the kind of torment from which there is no respite. If she asks, what's a widget again? I will kill her with a rusty spike. Or a brick or a spade or a chainsaw. Squarespace is so easy, even your mum can use it. She can drag and drop and cut and paste that's all there is to it so Helen put that spike down I beg you for Christ's

sake don't do it. Sorry mum. Thanks very much to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of Answer Me This. And for providing the world with easy to use tools to build and design websites we like it so much we built our own store with it answer me this store.com where we sell our episodes is hosted by squarespace yeah i mean our choices were learn web design to set up an online store hire someone yeah who knows how to do web design which would be expensive yeah and we'd have to speak to people we don't like to do that no or which would be expensive. Yeah. And we'd have to speak to people. We don't like to do that, do we? No.

Or do it on Squarespace. Took me mere minutes to build that site. I could have done it one-handed, Helen. So like, for example, you can have a setting that's a sale setting. You can say, I want to do a sale where we discount everything by 20% and you just tick it or untick it and it makes everything on sale or not. Oh. Stuff that would take a long time.

You can do loads of other stuff with it as well if you don't want to sell stuff. It's not the only thing Squarespace is about. You can set up a gallery. You could do a blog if you're still into that. If you want to try Squarespace, then you can get yourself a free trial for two weeks and play around.

And then if you like what you see and you think this is so easy a dog could use it, then remember to sign up using our code... Answer. To get 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain hello this is katherine from leeds helen ollie and martin the sound man answer me this my fiance handed in his phd thesis today hooray i want to get him a gift to celebrate but what do you think i should get martin did you get any good presents at the end of your PhD? Martin, did you get any good presents

at the end of your PhD? Oh, this is where I'm really going to get landed in it, because it's a while ago, and I can't... It was 2004, wasn't it? When I handed in. Is it handed in, or was it final version? He's just handed in. I remember when you... Yeah. I don't remember when you handed in. I remember when you were doing your viva. It was just before

Christmas. Can't translate for people that aren't academics. Oh, so when you hand in your PhD, you write doing your viva uh it was just before christmas translate for people that aren't academics oh so when you hand in your phd you write your thesis you hand it in and then you have an oral exam with two examiners you sit down you talk them through what you've done and it's to prove that you've written it basically okay so when he had that what so that was three hours so i remember i went and bought him a bottle of champagne got him a bottle of champagne i mean the thing about a bottle of champagne is yes that's fine but that is almost the very definition of standard issue when someone's done something like this isn't it so what can we suggest that's a bit more creative as a phd present martin my parents got me a little sort of kind of glass presentation tube so i could roll up my phd certificate and put put it in there and sort of have it on my desk actually i mean it's entirely

useless in a way but it's actually it's a nice it's a nice thoughtful souvenir is a thoughtful souvenir something you're not going to buy yourself like most certificates i don't know where do you put your certificates helen i don't know where they are your gcses you don't know where they are i probably threw them away i never got all drama you don't know where it is i failed my guilt i've got my 200 meter swimming certificate i've got them all i never got my degree certificate really ever uh-huh is that because i think we had to pay for it didn't we? You paid 50 pence for the first one, but I just never faxed off the form. Right.

I mean, you've literally never had a job where it's been required. No. No. But most people... Because I had a few where that needed to show. Really? You had to show your PhD? He was a university lecturer. A university lecturer.

I know, but I just can't imagine that these days they don't take it on trust by Googling you, seeing your LinkedIn or whatever. He could just lie. I mean, that's the thing. Yeah. Were they actually asked to see the certificate? I'm pretty sure they had a photocopy of my passport,

my degree and my PhD certificate. That's hilarious. Okay, so that's maybe, Catherine, the thing you could get your fiancé is something that's, you know, ostentatious and yet incredibly embarrassing for them to have to bring to an interview in the future, a presentation sleeve for their PhD.

Perhaps in gold. Or a huge medallion that says doctor on it. Oh, I thought you meant actually having like a little religious scroll rolled up inside the medallion. That's an idea.

You could get their PhD thesis printed out really tiny and put in a little book that's on a locket. Yes, like one of those prints you can get for your wall that's got a whole novel on it. You've got that, haven't you? You've got Black Beauty.

We've got Black Beauty, yeah. That's an interesting idea. I mean, I guess the boring thing would be to get the certificate framed. Yeah, it's boring, though. It is a bit boring, but it is significant, and maybe that's the right gesture. I think your parents offered to get you a bit of commemorative jewellery. You're not really a jewellery wearer,

but if Catherine's fiancé is a jewellery wearer, it'd be one piece to mark this special achievement. One ring to rule them all. Actually, the other thing, it'd be nice to get something which was relevant to the thesis. So, you know, something relevant to the title. I don't know if he's a geneticist, a little

DNA strand. Maybe find something obscure in the thesis and just reference that. Oh, he's mentioning this. mentioning this come on okay who reads their partner's phd thesis i'll get a little nucleotide yeah that he mentions on page 732 yeah i proofread my friend's phd thesis that was about christ i couldn't improve red martins because it was written in physics and i don't understand but i gave him a lot of carbon atoms as the special commemorative gift. But my friend Miranda's PhD thesis that I did proofread, that was about drug and alcohol assisted rape. So I don't know if there's anything

in that that you would want to get as a thematic gift. I suppose alcohol but then you don't want to associate it with alcohol assisted sex violence. You could do a presentation box with a little piece of rape in it and a little bottle of booze.

Yes, as in the corn. Oh, that's another. It's a type of radish. That's a nice little... Is it? Yeah, we did this on the show years ago. Well, forgive me. We did lots of things on the show.

Can't you remember all of the crops? We've encompassed all of human knowledge, Ollie. On the subject of jewellery that you don't really want if you're not a jewellery person. Yeah. So my grandmother, who's now 90, had her house broken into in the summer by some assholes yeah um and they stole the little jewelry that she had from her bedroom oh god um and anyway it turns out that when you make an insurance claim on stolen jewelry um which he did you can't have money because what the insurance company says is well you could just say you had a ring and now you don't have a ring we can't prove it we don't know what you had so insurance company says is, well, you could just say you had a ring

and now you don't have a ring. We can't prove it. We don't know what you had. So what they say is, we'll give you a gift card, which you can spend at... It's H. Samuel is the cheap one. And then it's the same group owns a slightly posher one.

Ernest Jones, exactly. They're the same company. So you get a gift card for Ernest Jones and H. Samuel. And she had like two grand to spend on jewellery. Wow. And she's 90. Like, I don had like two grand to spend on jewellery wow and she's 90 so she's like I don't need this money to spend on jewellery I could have done with the cash so what she's done is she which is very nice of her

is she's divvied it up between all the grandchildren and kids and nieces and nephews so essentially myself and my wife have 250 pounds to spend on jewelry in h samuel and do either of you wear jewelry no she your wife doesn't either no and the kind of jewelry that we do like if we were to buy some isn't the kind that they sell you want matching clients don't you what should i do okay option one if she wears anything at all like i'm sure i've seen her wear like a necklace she wears a necklace yeah so you could get some plain gold and silver chains that she can hang other things on but they're just better quality than the ones that you buy and accessorize that are made out of metal that

leaves a mark on your neck the other thing would be just buy as much gold as you can and then go and sell it to a jeweler that will melt it down buy as much gold as you can yeah for 250 quid and then wait for gold prices to rise i'll tell you what I was thinking of doing, but they can't even help me on this. Because I still, as discussed previously, I still use a personal organiser. I still have a file of facts. Are you going to get a gold file of facts?

That was the most hateful thing I think I've ever heard. I was thinking I'm now at an age where probably if I had a gold pen, you know, which I wouldn't buy for myself, but if I had a gold pen... No, you're just going to lose it. No, I'm at an age where i wouldn't lose it i'd treat it with respect would you use it i would use it it would be in my file effects i'd use it every day and and then anyway i went to earnest jones because that's the posher one yeah because i

thought there must be like a mont blanc biro that's 200 quid and then we'll do it all in one hit yeah well there isn't how much is it there isn't. How much is it? There isn't. The most expensive gold pen, I can't believe I'm complaining about this, but the most expensive gold pen Your life is so hard. that Ernest Jones sell, it was something like 40 quid. How dare they?

And I just thought... You don't want to buy several of them. Well, I could afford a 40 pound gold pen myself. The reason I don't have one is because I don't need a gold pen. No, because no one needs a gold pen. I honestly can't think of what, if I had 250 pounds to spend on aery, what I would get with it.

It's hard. You would buy a gift for your parents. Yes, that's... Yes, I would. That's right. The other option is, if it's a voucher, you could sell the voucher on eBay. It isn't. What happens is you go in the jeweller and they have to call my grandmother personally

and get the verification code from the back of the letter they sent her Has to be for her supposedly Do you have any Relatives with special birthdays Coming up like your mother-in-law Yes but they've all just been given £250 To spend on jewellery by my grandma Not your mother-in-law

She's a step away One thing I did think we could do Is get some silver frames, like they're 50 quid each, get three nice silver frames, put pictures of our son Harvey in them and give them to all the family. We could do that,

but actually just in terms of just... Are silver frames ugly? It's not my taste. That's the thing. If I had a silver frame, if I'd inherited one, I'd probably give it to a charity shop because I just don't like them.

Yeah, a bit cold. So it's difficult. Silver spoon, just carry it around in your mouth Bum bum bum bum Bum bum bum bum Bum bum bum bum Bum bum bum bum Bum bum bum bum Helen Ollie

Answer me this Don't ridicule me And don't take the piss Give me a clue To what I'm asking Then in your awesome knowledge I'll be basking Once in summer, I'm so alone No one to email and no one to phone

Where can I get new friends from? Answer me, there's podcast.com Thanks to First Direct for sponsoring Answer Me This today. First Direct customers are more likely, Helen, to recommend their bank than customers at any other major British bank or building society. How did they find that out? Eavesdropping on a lot of conversations. Which found that out? Oh, okay. Well, that's an authoritative source

they're a word of mouth hit they're like breaking bad but a bank there is quite a lot of complicated financial transactions in breaking bad but i don't think they're entirely legitimate spoiler maybe if walt had done internet banking and not had a storage unit full of cash things might have been a little simpler less admin um so yes if you if your current bank when you call them are like press one for this press press two for that. Here's some hold music that'll make you want to die. First Direct aren't like that. They're easy to deal with.

Go to firstdirect.com to find out more about their services. Anyway, First Direct have sent us a topical question to answer this month, Helen. Answer me this. Why do we mostly give up stuff in January instead of trying something new I know right January is the worst time to give things up because it's bleak it's post festivities and you don't want to have like the fun time of Christmas and New Year and then just a big stretch of bleakness to look forward to so I would tend to have my bleakness pre-Christmas and then load up January with fun things to do. So when we were

living in London, we'd book theatre tickets and we were pretty lazy about going to the theatre any other time of year. Yeah, don't go to the Panto in January though. I still feel that's wrong. We would often go on holiday in January because back in an old job of Martin's, he would attend a biomedical optics conference in California, which is a nice place to be in january and then we'd go on a little road trip but the business about actually trying something new as your sort of new year's resolution or it's the turn of the year yeah i think often those are two sides to the same coin like people will say oh my new year's resolution is to try and eat healthier and so like the pessimist would

say, oh, well, you're giving something up. You're giving up delicious fatty food. But actually, you could be an optimist and say, well, you are trying something new. You're trying Kaolettes. Kaolettes? What's that small kale? Yeah, have you not seen them? You can buy them in Morrisons. They're like a cross between Brussels sprouts and kale. And every time I see them in the packet, I want to sing Kaolettes. Uh-huh, uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh why haven't they got you on the ad campaign for care let's my uh new year's resolution in as much as I have one is I want my life to go a little bit slower this year my life generally has just been a bit manic recently yeah I want time to read and to think and to play with my son and not have arrangements

filling every bit of downtime that I have and allow some time in my life for spontaneity but for all that stuff to happen I actually need to stop doing things so it is trying something new in the sense that I for example you know I could say oh my resolution is I'm going to read five novels this year because I only read one last year but actually to make that happen I need to stop doing stuff that I am doing so it is it's giving something up to make something new happen. I would like to be the kind of person whose, like, my New Year's resolution is to learn how to water ski.

You know, something exciting like that. You could do. But you're travelling at the moment, which is quite exciting by most people's standards. You must have tried all sorts of things. I bet you've already tried new things. What's the last genuinely new thing you tried in the last few weeks? Well, we were in South America and that's Spanish speaking and we don't speak Spanish.

So we tried to speak Spanish without knowing how to do it. That didn't go that well. We ate piranha ribs. I'd never eaten them before. I didn't even know you could order fish ribs. Yeah, giant piranha ribs. Fish don't have ribs. They've got bones.

Well, ribs are bones, Ollie. Get it together. Did it taste a bit like ribs but fishy? No. It tasted more like fish but fishy i mean it tastes more like fish but ribby what else went to the southern hemisphere did the blood rush your head martin yeah i was spinning around under clockwise we saw orion the other way i saw the magellanic clouds i tried buffer i've facetimed my mum oh wow and they've never done that before no who'd have thought she had the technical capabilities?

Have you managed to get past this stage yet where every conversation is about the technology itself rather than actually having a conversation? Just about. And we sometimes even get past the bit where she's just trying to put the camera where I can see her or she can see me. I think for those of us who are here in Britain in the bleak weather that you've managed to avoid by going to California, Ellen... Even though that's my favourite weather. I think it's easy to retreat into familiar things. You know, so it's all very well saying, oh, try something new.

I've just bought tickets to see Bat Out of Hell live a second time because I know I will enjoy it. And there's nothing wrong with that. I did read something ages ago that was saying that if you do want to form new habits or take up new things then it does work better when there is a kind of landmark of time so like the start of the year or even the start of a week new habits that you start on a Monday are more likely to stick than if you're like hey it's Thursday I'm gonna give up caffeine yes do you know it's funny my whole life actually

for whatever reason often it's January where big changes have happened. And often they're things that I've contrived to make happen. So I suppose on some subliminal level, I do feel like January is the time you try something different. When you conceived Harvey, were you thinking, let's have him pop out in January just to maintain the pattern? No, but it did feel absolutely right that it was January. And like previously, for example there was i quit my job to write a play that happened in january started answer me this in january started answer me this in january i moved into my flat in 2006 in january like i always feel like january is the time to

change stuff and do new things and uh this year uh because our house extension is being built by the builder who looks like my dad uh i am going to be living with the in-laws that's a new thing that that's going to be interesting i mean i would definitely choose to live with them out of other people's in-laws sure i mean they're really nice and everything and there is free child care essentially by having the grandparents in the same building that's pretty great but it's just that you know living with other adults is hard isn't it yes and then when when one of the people you're with i in this case my wife naturally regresses to a slightly teenage state because she's in her childhood home yeah that's going to be tricky as well over a matter of months if anyone has

any tips on living with in-laws let me know well martin lived with his in-laws i.e my brother and his family for 14 months and what's your tip for ollie i enjoyed it it's different different you're at the same age level though aren't you not as the eight and ten year old no but it's different brother-in-law is different to parent-in-law you're on the same level immediately like you have the same status in the family like what i'm doing is moving into a house where there is a father figure and I am a father in that house. Yeah, yeah.

No, that is tricky. I think the problem for me is that I'm kind of golden boy when I go round to John and Anne's house because they've got three daughters and I'm the first man to marry into the family and I'm the first young man in the house ever basically and I'm the father of their grandchild so there's slightly a kind of like waiting on me

doting on me thing going on which is really nice which cannot continue when I'm actually living there like for three months it's not practical I'm gonna have to do the washing up yeah I'm gonna have to say things that annoy them yeah and that's and I hope that doesn't shift our relationship completely because I like being waited on yeah oh another thing i've done for the first time is pick up a dog's poop oh me too because when i was growing up with the zaltzman dogs at home we had a shovel and when they were on walks they were going to deep undergrowth so you didn't really have to do anything with it so i'd never picked up a dog's poo before and uh now i have Ask me anything.

Hello, I'm Emily. And I'm Charlotte. And I'm Aaron. And together we are the Bronte Sisters. I've just been on the moor. Have you? I love the moor. It's so very moorish. I know. Why don't we both write questions to answer me this? Good idea. Let's see who gets published first. OK, I've got one, I've got one. Helen and Ollie, it's me. Er, it's Cathy. I've come home and I'm so c-c-c-old. Won't you let me in your window? No!

Good, all right, my turn. Er, Helen and Ollie, how did that madwoman get in my attic? Oh, yes, very good. Right, why don't we go and spend two years working that into a manuscript? Good idea. What about me? Oh, I shouldn't bother, Right, why don't we go and spend two years working that into a manuscript? Good idea. What about me? Oh, I shouldn't bother, Anne. No one will read yours.

Here's a question from Anonymous, who says, I have a longstanding friendship with a guy whose company I've enjoyed over many years. Our families and wives get on very well together, and we've spent many an evening drinking talking and putting the world to rights but recently after the purchase of an outdoor hot tub i was not seeing this coming i have been invited over to take a dip right i cannot think of anything worse what than sharing a hot tub with your friends correct why oh Why, oh why, would anyone want to share what is essentially an inflatable bath with someone else?

What is their cleaning regime? What chemical or biological testing regime do they have in place? Well, I can't answer that. I mean, clearly, I don't even know the bloke. I'd say these are adjunct questions. Right. Who else has been in it? And what contagious diseases did they have?

Again, definitely not qualified to answer that. Is everyone showering before getting in or am I being invited to sit in a tub of old bathwater? So, Ollie, answer me this. How do I politely say no without offending? Why do you need to say no? I mean, you've asked legitimate questions. Why don't you ask those legitimate questions of your friend?

Anonymous says I don't want this to ruin our friendship, but neither do I want to spend the evening semi-naked in someone else's dirty bathwater. Can you help? Well, you need to change the way you're thinking about hot tubs is what I would say to you, first of all. I mean, long-term listeners of the show will know that hot tubs remain an ambition of mine

and one that is never going to be fulfilled because my garden stays small. And a repulsion of mine. So I'm more on Anonymous's side. But interestingly, although I've always wanted my own hot tub and i would never think about the things that you're asking and i would invite people over to be in my hot tub i'm not sure how i'd feel if someone invited me over to be in theirs that is actually quite personal i wouldn't think of it as dirty bath water but it's like

why are you having a party weirdo it happens sometimes on come dine with me and there's usually one person who deliberately doesn't bring their bathing suit so they don't have to go in oh i see i thought you're going to say so they can sit there naked no but it is high risk because then you might get some hot tub owners who are like it's all right you can come in in your pants or you can come in in the nude and that's probably even less to your liking you could buy a kit to test the cleanliness of the hot tub no you can't helen well you could buy it i just think it'd be hard to use it without seeming like a twat to your friend you can't turn up to someone else's party with a bag of chlorine and an indicator what if i take some swabs it's not

even obvious that this is a party situation this might be just yeah a couple of pals hanging out in the hot tub come over for a pizza try out the hot tub i don't think there's anyone really that i want to share a hot tub with i don't feel like that would be a social activity for me do you think it's reasonable to assume that if it's a married couple who have just got a hot tub they've had sex in it 70 plus i think it's quite likely isn't it yeah yeah and from that point of view i mean his questions are legitimate i think you could fake a medical condition because if you're pregnant you're not supposed to go into a hot tub not sure that applies to anonymous um if you have poor

circulation you could say it's too dangerous for me to sit in hot water for very long because then all the blood rushes to the surface and then i faint or you could say i have an infectious skin condition i don't want to pollute your hot tub waters that's quite a good one yeah yeah can't you just say i'm not into hot tubs well evidently not because this friend is going to be pushy about it i think the reason is because people are passionate martin about their hot tubs in the same way that i've expressed that i have been over all these years like i really want one so this friend's probably like oh my god we've got the hot tub. You have to come over and take a dip.

So you can't really say you're not really into it. You have to. I spent 15 grand on it, so you have to. Yeah. It's like, I've got a new Ferrari. Come and have a test drive. It doesn't mean, do you want a test drive? It means get in my car so I can show off to you.

But I can relate. I mean, I'm very passionate about hot pot. Yes. And when someone goes with me and they don't enjoy it, I'm like, oh, that's a shame. But I don't, I'm not like, well, if you go go five times maybe you'll get a taste for it you're a bit like that no means no i just think refusal is not going to work because as a non-drinker saying i didn't want to drink did not stop people trying to force me to have one it was only when i started being

allergic to booze that people would stop trying to force me to have one. It was only when I started being allergic to booze that people would stop trying to force me to have one. So you need to get the equivalent of I'm allergic to booze for the hot tub, which is why I think medical condition... Scalable psoriasis. That's what it is, isn't it? It's irritable, scalable psoriasis. And you could probably fake that

with a little bit of makeup and talcum powder. Yeah, or heart trouble. You could say you have what I have, which is a heart condition called supraventricular tachycardia have which is a heart condition called superventricular tachycardia which is exacerbated and triggered by heat it's completely benign but it's not very nice so i don't make a habit of getting into hot tubs and then you've got a good excuse okay super ventricular tachycardia svt enjoy that anon tony blair have it solved it listeners if you have a

suggestion for how to not get into a hot tub then i'm sure anonymous would appreciate it you could send that in or if you have a question for a future episode of answer me this then all our contact details are listed upon our website answer me this podcast.com our skype and voicemail seem to be really fucked up at the moment so if you want to be sure that we're getting your voice questions at the moment it's best to record a voice memo and email it to us and it sounds better as well it's a better oral experience for everyone it is a lot clearer also on our website you can um find where to follow us on facebook and twitter and there are also links uh to the answer me this store where you can buy our first 200 episodes albums and apps and on your feeds halfway through the month, there will be a retro episode of Answer Me This taken from the vaults.

So you have to subscribe to get that. It's the hot tub of Answer Me This. Some of you will want to submerge yourself. Others will say, hmm, that seems unclean. Actually, it's the hot tub time machine of Answer Me This. Wow. If you want to stretch the analogy further. Wow.

What a culmination of themes. And we will return with a fresh new Answer Me This on the first Thursday of February. Bye!