Answer Me This! - AMT364: Cranberries, Jesters and the Cruise Ship Wig Department

Episode Date: August 2, 2018

A questioneer is on a ship in Alaska with only 300 wigs and a case of unrequited rage for company. Where to seek solace but AMT, of course? Also! Why do jesters have little replicas of their own heads on the end of their staffs? Why are FedEx ok with being the cause of Tom Hanks being cast away in Cast Away? And why are people standing waist-deep in wet cranberries? Is it some bold cure for a UTI? There's more about this episode at . Send us questions for future episodes: email words or voice memos to [e-mail], call 0208 123 5877, Skype answermethis. Tweet us http://twitter.com/helenandolly Facebook http://facebook.com/answermethis Subscribe on iTunes http://iTunes.com/AnswerMeThis Buy old episodes, albums and our Best Of compilations at . Hear Helen Zaltzman's podcast The Allusionist at http://theallusionist.org, Olly Mann's The Modern Mann at http://modernmann.co.uk, and Martin Austwick's Song By Song at . Squarespace! Want to build a website? Go to , and get a 10% discount on your first purchase of a website or domain with the code 'answer'. The Bluffers' Guides are back! Rapidly become well-informed in subjects from cats to fishing to chocolate at . Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

under which country's governance does love island fall which of the danny dyers would win in a brawl now listeners i'm pleased to say that our co-host for the last 11 years helen zaltzman is alive i'm'm alive. She's alive. I'm pretty pleased about that. Yes. Good. For reasons other than the podcast. And for people listening in the future who won't be sensitive to the time release schedule

having been delayed of this podcast, let's just enlighten what has happened over the past few weeks, Helen. It's been a strange few weeks. If you're sensitive to discussion of medical stuff, maybe fast forward the next couple of minutes. In Tasmania, in mid-June, I got tonsillitis and it broke bad, basically. I woke up one night an hour after I went to bed and my whole neck had swelled up and I looked like Nanny from Count Duckula. Always finding the positive.

I went to the doctor who was like go to the hospital i don't know what this is that's not news you want to hear is it but it turned out what i had is something quite unusual in people who are over eight it was something called retro pharyngeal abscesses pharyngeal because they happen behind your pharynx uh-huh There's a load of unused space in your neck, like an attic in your neck that, whereas in the attic you might put your suitcases and Christmas decorations. Or paintings. In your neck, you might put abscesses full of fuss

when your immune system is doing something wacky, as mine was. So I had to have surgery and I had to be in intensive care for a few days after said surgery with a breathing pipe. Oh, I see. Because the abscesses were close around my breathing hole and my aorta, they wanted to tube me in case my breathing hole swelled up and I died. Yeah, I mean, I'm not an expert on medical conditions, but it does seem that a blockage of the breathing hole would be

one that you'd want to avoid. Breathing hole is one of the many medical terms I've learned from this experience. My only experience of Australian hospitals is soap operas where everybody dies. Was it like that? Well, I didn't die, so not everyone died. Did you see Todd's Ghost? Oh, well, no, I was in a ward where everyone was in their 80s apart from me. And I felt like quite the spring lamb in that company because people like oh your blood pressure's low because you're so young and how is martin as a respite

carer martin was a real champion uh and i felt like i was fairly lucid during the five days i was in intensive care and he got to witness she was off her tits martin what was the weirdest thing she did she didn't do anything odd she would just write these sentences that were complete gibberish and then get really annoyed when no one understood what she was talking about. Because I couldn't speak because I had the tube. I was trying to communicate by writing on my phone. She did a Facebook update which contained two typos. Wow.

And at that point, everyone got really worried. Yeah, that's what really ticked off my friend Amy, that things were serious. Oh my God. Have you just come out of a coma? Technically, yes. Yeah, technically I was in a coma, in a medically induced coma. Yeah, how was that? Well, pretty peaceful for me. I'd imagine a bit worrying for Martin because I didn't know it was happening at the time and he did. What?

Didn't they tell you? They didn't use the term coma, which I think was a good idea. Yeah. It's a panic-inducing term and I think when it's a medically induced coma that they're in control of, they should probably use a different term than coma I think. I agree, they need a different word don't they? Time for your drug sleep, not coma. Excellent thing about being in hospital for three and a half weeks from mid

June to mid July 2018 was that I totally missed the football World Cup. Didn't have a television, didn't have much Wi-Fi, and none of the nurses seemed to give a shit. Richard in Bristol enjoyed watching the World Cup, but he says, the problem is,

I have a four-year-old son and a seven-year-old daughter. During the games, they were constantly hounding me to change the TV to Paw Patrol. Oh, God. Seriously, I don't know what visual crack they put in that show, but Harvey will not take a shit unless it's in a Paw Patrol potty. It's extraordinary, the hold that it has over children over a certain age. It's dogs with different professions, right? One of them's a firefighter.

One of them's a police officer of some description. One of them drives some kind of green tank. So they're public servants but dogs richard says the only part of the football my children took interest in is when the players walk out accompanied by a child my eldest has got very excited about being one of these player walkout kids we live in bristol and my team sheffield wednesday will play bristol city in october this year o, answer me this. How hard would it be to get my daughter to accompany a Bristol City player?

If you're a Sheffield Wednesday fan, why would you want your kid walking out with the other team? Surely you want them to walk out with Sheffield Wednesday, don't you? Or is that not how the mascot thing works? Isn't there a risk that you'd sabotage the game? Like if you had a really devious 11-year-old that they just sort of quietly stabbed the striker's knee or something. Do they not vet these children

for violent urges against the players? All you need to do to walk in with the Bristol City team is buy a mascot package. That's what it's called. Oh. And for £200... Oof!

It would have been £150 had the game been midweek, but I checked Sheffield Wednesday versus Bristol City is on a Sunday. Right, that was very assiduous of you. For £200. Oof! It would have been £150 had the game been midweek, but I checked Sheffield Wednesday versus Bristol City is on a Sunday. Right, that was very assiduous of you. For £200, you get a mascot ticket plus three guest tickets. Oh, okay. Yeah. That seems a bit more reasonable if it's £200 for four.

Yeah, exactly. So here's what else you get. Yeah. You get premier seating in the Lansdowne stand. I assume that's a good seat. Mm-hmm. You get to meet the players in the new home changing room bit of a strange place to send a young girl but whatever if that's the thing people like to do you get to have a pre-match buffet in the mascot lounge

now mascot lounge so with the other kids pre-match buffet that just means chips doesn't it is it just like when people buy uh the chance to do a meet and greet with katie perry after her concert so you're in there with the 18 other people that paid a grand for that right okay carry on yes uh you get your name and photo in the match day program yeah um you get a certificate of participation right you get a pa announcement but that's the bit i'd like um you get a pre-match warm-up does that mean you after you've seen the young men getting changed, you watch them live up? Bit odd, isn't it?

And then you get to lead out the team and have a photo with the captain, which is the bit that we all see on telly. Okay. So actually, to watch the football, it does now cost £25 to £35 a ticket. So £100 to go and watch it for a family of four anyway, so you'd expect it to be double that to walk on with the team. Take a top of wear and raid that buffet. So I don't think it's an outrageous price but also i think it is a bit sad that that

is how you come to do it you just hand over 200 pounds do you have to wear a special thing as well do you have to pay extra to buy the strip of the club because those are always super expensive that's true yeah can a child just go out in their normal clothes? I've never seen it done. Turn up in your Sheffield Wednesday uniform. Turn up just in an Everton strip at the Sheffield Wednesday versus Bristol City game. Ultimate troll. Here's another question of sports, sort of, from Laura from Kent, who says, this morning I visited my local public swimming pool to get in a quick swim before work. The pool I go to has communal unisex showers. These communal unisex showers are suitable for a rinse off and possibly washing your hair. That's as far as I thought it would be acceptable to go when showering in the presence

of strangers. My fellow showerers appeared to disagree with me. I was sharing the shower with two men who felt it acceptable to put their hands down the front of their swimming trunks and have a good old scrub of their undercarriage front and back. I'm all in favour of personal hygiene. And yes, it is important to keep yourself clean, especially if they were going straight off to work and people have smelt the chlorine on their perineums. But also chlorine can get really itchy on your skin. And I'm assuming on the sensitive undercarriage, people would want to rid themselves of that. Yeah, testes, foreskin possibly. Lots of areas there.

But Ollie answered me this, says Laura. Is it really okay to have that thorough a wash in a communal shower? What is communal shower etiquette? How far should you go when showering in public? I can identify with the issue, especially when there are children around, of being in a communal unisex area and showering and thinking to myself, hmm, do I forego a cleaner penis and just not take the risk of offending anyone or upsetting anyone by, you know, only quasi-graphically putting my

hand onto it. I was wondering why you brought up children, because I was thinking when I was a child and I was in swimming pool changing rooms with my granny or my grandad, I would see adults naked and think, well, that's just... Floppers out everywhere, wasn't it? Yeah, just normal. But then you're thinking putting your hand down your trunks and rubbing with children present would be interpreted in a way that was not intended.

Well, only by crazy people, because, you know, I think any objective analysis would show that I would not have an erection. I would not be being inappropriate. I would be cleaning my penis and balls. But still, the fact that that conversation might then ensue puts me off. So if I'm being honest, i'm aware of the issue you highlight laura but fundamentally i disagree that anyone who chooses to wash their undercarriage through their swimming trunks is doing anything wrong you know they didn't get their cock and

balls out and scrub it along the tiles that would be too far anything else look if it's bothering you i'm sorry they don't want a chlorinated cock and fair enough who would how are they supposed to do it are they supposed to wait till they're in the privacy of their changing cubicle and dip their wick in a bottle of evian they have the opportunity in the communal area to wash and that's the opportunity they're taking what layout is the shower at laura's communal changing room is it in the round because you could just turn around and face the wall while you're doing your intimate scrubbing couldn't you good point i think there's a mutual acceptance in this situation that we'll say most people find it a bit awkward to shower communally and therefore they might be debating within themselves as well rather than doing this proudly but needs must you're all showering

therefore you recognize the function of pouring fresh water onto your body to rinse off your swim. So why are you being such a troublemaker, Laura? You're all just the same. If you've got a question, email your question to answer me this podcast at googlemail.com. Answer me this podcast at googlemail.com. Answer me this podcast at googlemail.com Answer me this podcast at googlemail.com Answer me this podcast at googlemail.com So retrospectives, what historical events are we ticking off on this week's run of Today in History?

On Monday, we bring you the real story of the mutiny on the bounty. On Tuesday, the anniversary of the day somebody invented the meatball, but who? On Wednesday, the iconic British car that ripped off an iconic American car. On Thursday, how American airlines invented air miles. And on Friday, the UFO sighting that gripped colonial America. We discuss this and more on Today in History with The Retrospectors. Ten minutes each weekday, wherever you get your podcasts. Time for a question from Jacob from Liverpool, who says,

I am well into a second contract with a well-known entertainment cruise line company. We are currently charting our way around the Alaskan fjords. Oh, beautiful. I would like to go. So would I. Let's go, Ollie. Don't know if I'd like to go on a cruise ship, though, as such. Like, obviously, you have to do a boat trip to see the fjords, but I don't know if I'd like to go on a cruise ship, though, as such. Like, obviously you have to do a boat

trip to see the fjords, but I don't know if I'd want, like, three weeks at sea to see them. I think you can do a week. Let's do a week. Okay. Treat ourselves. What more can I say, says Jacob? The air is so fresh. The landscape views are breathtaking. I bet. With the Aaron Copland and

Thomas Newman themes they pump around guest areas, it's an ideal situation for all the senses. Okay. I didn't know. I guess it makes sense that particularly sort of big corporate-owned cruise lines would do that just to really, you know, manipulate every part of the experience of being on board. And also probably to cover up some engine noise and air conditioning noise.

Yeah. I suppose the only real concern would be if they played My Heart Will Go On. That's when you'd worry. Anyway, Jacob continues. I am the ship's only onboard cosmetologist. What is that? Jacob takes care of the performer's wigs and makeup. Wow.

So he's a costume technician, basically. Cosmetologist. Our listeners have truly fascinating jobs, don't they? My mornings include, he says, washing, setting, dressing out, and then maintaining the wigs for the shows and characters, as well as dressing our numerous shows and characters in and out of costumes in the evening,

and then helping with the laundry at the end of the seemingly never-ending day. Oh, that must suck. Like midnight and you've got a load of sweaty performance clothes to deal with yes and no i mean i've actually i've just interviewed someone funnily enough it's going to come out in a couple of weeks time on the modern man but i've just interviewed a guy called andy actually he listens to answer me this so hi andy hey andy uh who for a period worked for um disney cruises uh in the 90s so i'm gonna put an episode called Cruising with Mickey.

I mean, I really just did it for the title. And he talks about how when you're on a ship, even though it seems ridiculous that you're working that many hours a day, like it is your whole life because you live there. Yeah. So it's not,

you can take hours off during the day. You are chatting to guests. He can take time to look at the views. Jacob continues. There are only three of us in what is known as the costume department. There's the senior costume, the costume assistant and me, the cosmetologist.

In recent talks with my shoreside cosmetologist leaders we've discussed making cosmetology a separate department from the costume department on board. Oh. Then in time I would secure my own space and become an officer myself oh cool first officer

of cosmetology yeah and i would be able to create my own schedules laundry not included yes just wigs no clothes i've been explaining to my onboard leaders that i need more time to work on wigs rather than laundry and costume maintenance. And that's working well as they understand maintaining our 300 plus wigs on board. Wow! Jesus, isn't that like a wig for every child? I think that was one of Bill Gates' less successful campaigns, wasn't it?

I can't fix up all the wigs I would like, ensuring character integrity for our guests' enjoyment because of laundry maintenance. That's an interesting phrase, isn't it? Character integrity. like ensuring character integrity for our guests' enjoyment because of laundry maintenance. That's an interesting phrase, isn't it? Character integrity. I wonder if he works for Disney. Because the guy I interviewed, Andy, he was saying the guys at Disney understandably take this stuff very seriously.

And that phrase reeks of that, doesn't it? Character integrity. You know, no one can see Minnie with their head off, all that kind of stuff. It does say well-known entertainment cruise line company. Yeah, I wonder if it is. Sorry, Jacob, if you wanted to be subtle about that, but I reckon you went for Disney. He was subtle. Yeah, he was.

Yeah, exactly. He's done nothing wrong. My recent problem in the saga for change is that my boss has started to take it upon herself to move and transport and deliver items such as facial hair, wigs and head accessories to dressing rooms and performers during her breaks. How dare she? Mutiny! Shove her overboard! Maybe she thinks she's being helpful because she's like, Jacob is so busy and he was here till midnight doing the laundry

and then up at five doing the wigs. I'll just help him out without being a bother. Exactly. It sounds like you've briefed her about how busy you are and that's why you need more time to focus on wigs. So she's trying to help in the wrong way, is what this like to me my senior he says is new to the company in her current position i get the feeling she just wants to do the greater good rather than personal gain yet she doesn't understand she could get me and the other assistant to share the workload which she's keeping to herself she complains of sleeping poorly and wanting to murder most of the cast and crew. Oh, this sounds like it's going to work out well.

Yeah, he's put in brackets, ingest, of course. Sure, it's ingest now. There is also a tiny language barrier, as she's originally Spanish, and I sometimes revert back to a thick Scouse accent. Okay. So, Helen, answer me this. How do I explain to her that I am the cosmetologist and I am the only one that should be dealing with all the hairy, furry side of things? There are just as many costume jobs for those two to sort out amongst themselves.

Do I go to a higher level of management to ask advice and try not to sound like a dick? Maybe even HR, as I feel my senior may be overwhelmed with work and stress. The incident in question that prompted me to contact you is that she phoned me during her break to ask about a certain pirate's facial hair, items and makeup. This guy's definitely Disney, isn't he? That's Jack Sparrow, isn't he, he's talking about. What other famous pirate could he be talking about? Captain Pugwash. I would love to go on the Captain Pugwash Alaskan cruise.

What about Captain Hook? Yeah, what if it's a J.M. Barrie cruise? Sure. Could be. J.M. Barrie cruise. Absolutely. Yeah. To ask me about certain pirates' facial hair items and makeup,

where they are and what they look like, so she could transfer them to another location on the ship, which made me question her work ethics. Why? Exactly. She's just trying to chip in, right? Surely anyone else would have just made me do the task, which wasn't necessary,

as he only wanted the wig to rehearse in. After telling her how I feel about her doing my work, which means a lot to me, because I want the job done right, obviously, I still feel she doesn't understand the escalating situation and how it is consuming me. Yeah, because I think it's escalating in your head

and consuming you. So I think you're taking this too personally because I know you feel like your authority as the ship's only cosmetologist is being undermined, but it sounds like she's doing quite menial fetching and carrying jobs as you've described them rather than trying to thrust you aside so she can be the officer of cosmetology.

In which case, I think you just keep explaining to her maybe say you seem stressed as shit today take a load off don't worry about this stuff i think we could work more efficiently you deal with the costumes so i'm not going to help with the laundry but i am going to do all of this running around with wigs and mustaches for pirates that you've taken on yourself don't worry about that and just keep persisting with that and maybe you have a friend on the crew that is bilingual in scouse and spanish and could maybe be present so if she is finding anything in english uh difficult to understand because i'd imagine professional vocabulary in a language that's not your first language is pretty fucking difficult even if

you've been speaking the other languages for a long time maybe that'll be a useful backup but also if the onshore and offshore leaders have agreed you need to get them to establish your own space that you've asked for and then it will be a bit harder for her to interfere won't it because you won't be in the same room as her yeah but the bottom line is though she is your senior and she's been appointed as such so i i always i mean i've never failed to be amazed at the human ability to define a job for ourselves which in a way is great because it's where entrepreneurialism comes from and it's where people getting promoted comes from doesn't it making the most of the opportunities they have but at the end of the day

she's your boss so actually even if she's being annoying and doesn't seem to fully understand your role as cosmetologist it's like tough shit like aim to be her don't aim to uh you know put her in her place yeah well it does also sound like she's trying to be helpful and yeah you you feel undermined because you think she's doing this because she thinks you don't have it under control because some bosses are micromanagers and you don't want to be micromanaged also she might be if she's new on the ship and she's new to the position she might be feeling insecure maybe's new on the ship and she's new to the position, she might be feeling insecure. Maybe she was just trying to cozy up to Jack Sparrow.

Sorry, Captain Hugwash. And actually, you know, he has an important role in the cast and crew on board because he's an important character. You know, so maybe she was just trying to get some face time there. And actually, maybe let her have that. Because, okay, she might not know what she's doing with the wig. And that might piss you off when you're watching it from the audience and think it's not that great i assume that is part of jacob's problem that she's fucking up the wigs yes and people blame it on him as the

only on-board cosmetologist and creating more work for him yeah but her motives might be not laudable but understandable if you put yourself in her shoes but i'd imagine that workplace situations are apt to ferment and make you more annoyed than rationally you need to be. And that is amplified when you are trapped on a boat. Yes. And working all the hours of the day. Also, I just think generally, like, you know, away from big ships,

it's often the case that bosses know more than they share with their juniors. You know, there's a need-to-know basis, isn't there? There may be aniors you know there's a need to know basis isn't there there may be an agenda you know absolutely nothing about or there may be details that you know absolutely nothing about big picture stuff that she knows that you don't um i think back to when i was a tv researcher about 10 years ago and i worked for various different companies but there's one in particular when i was working at the bbc where i had a boss that used to come to our desk monologuing to us at length ideas that we'd already got off the ground yeah and I remember we always used to

bitch to ourselves and be like why is he doing like you know if I if he's complaining we're not coming up with ideas quickly enough why is he coming over here and taking up our time telling us ideas we've already pitched to him and got off the ground and then I realized uh one day that it wasn't really for our benefit at all. The reason he was doing that is because he then had to go to his boss and pitch our ideas to his boss. And he was basically just rehearsing his patter. And so our role then was to be a sounding board for him in a way that felt redundant to us. But if you thought about the big picture, it sort of made sense.

So there may be a reason that you just don't know. Yeah. Or sometimes people do that because they want to feel some kind of ownership of what's going on and that is annoying when you feel usurped and under appreciated and under rewarded but also we don't like this situation do we generally speaking where bosses get to a high level within a corporate culture having never spent any time on the shop floor yeah i mean this woman has come onto the boat she wants to understand how the wigs work she's rolled her sleeves up yeah exactly you're the wig specialist she's not saying she can do it better than you she wants an

understanding of wigs so that she can be your boss and in a way that's a good thing isn't it yeah maybe set her down say how's the job going for you it's a it's a lot of work isn't it you do say that you want to kill people are you okay presumably this is what hr are for if you are really pissed off they are the people to go to but i think maybe you don't need to be as pissed off as you are the way that you've described it and perhaps we're misreading your email but you have included quite a lot of information so i think you're taking this personally but maybe it's not meant personally i agree get your own room for the wigs. That's the important thing, isn't it?

Tell them to rip out one of the shrimp buffets and let it be the wiggery. The Silicon Roundabout's my favourite place To become a webpreneur would be really ace Like that awesome guy Tom Who was my first friend on Myspace We haven't kept in touch Get your foot on the ladder to online success Through Squarespace build a site and get a free web address

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and use squarespace's features and get used to them and build a little website for yourself and then if you want to translate that trial into the fully fledged website of your dreams you get 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain using our code answer hello it's jimmy from south london um i've been thinking about the film castaway with tom hanks um so helen using our code ANSWER. Hello, it's Jimmy from South London. I've been thinking about the film Castaway with Tom Hanks. So, Helen and Ollie, answer me this. How come FedEx allowed the film to use its name and its branding and all that kind of stuff, even though the whole premise of the film is that he works at FedEx, he's on a FedEx plane,

the FedEx plane crashes, and then he's on an island for four years. I have not seen the film Cast Away, but now I feel like I have. I didn't know that it was a FedEx related tragedy that precipitated four years alone on the island with just Wilson the ball. But now I do. Thank you, Jimmy. So yes, on a superficial level, that looks like a bad promotional opportunity for FedEx, I'd agree. However, there are a few things you need to consider. First, and primarily, I would say, Tom Hanks. Yeah.

In the late 90s, early 2000s, Tom Hanks was the pinnacle between commercial success and critical favour. Think about it. It's a two and a half hour long film about one man alone on an island. They sold it on the basis of Tom Hanks. Everyone wants to be alone with Tom Hanks for two and a half hours. And this was after Forrest Gump.

They were basically saying, you know, after this film that was massively commercially successful and won Best Picture, would you like to be associated with the next one from the same director and actor? Answer, yes. To almost any brand, the answer's yes. Apparently also the fedex thing

was tom hanks's idea because he was like fedex planes crossed the pacific three times a day what if one fell out the sky the brand was it was not irreplaceable but it was pretty instrumental to the plot from the sounds of it robert zemeckis the director had said it was important to have a real company yeah because it was so central to the story if it was dave's careers or whatever it wouldn't be convincing the audience would think it was hollywood hokum and it was important to have a real company because it was so central to the story. If it was Dave's Couriers or whatever, it wouldn't be convincing. The audience would think it was Hollywood hokum and it was supposed to feel like a true... It wasn't a true story,

although it was based on some true stories and accounts of being stranded and stuff. But it was supposed to feel like it could have been a real life story and this is the movie they made of it. So it really helps that he worked for a real company. And FedEx, they said that they were alarmed when it was first pitched, but then they said that they were alarmed when it was first pitched but then they said that

their global brand awareness went uh through the roof after the film it was high in the us already but outside of the us they did really well out of it and also job applications went up 30 after the film yeah and the founder of fedex uh plays himself in the. So FedEx were on board. I find that odd. So the end of the... The climax of the movie is actually filmed at FedEx's HQ in Memphis. Right. That, I think, is bizarre, with the real CEO in it. Especially since money did not change hands, apparently.

So it's not product placement in the conventional sense. There was no money. They just agreed to it. But they did a bit more than agreeing to it, clearly, because they allowed them to film in their HQ. There's all the uniforms, the trucks, the branding, the packages feature all the way throughout the movie. So it's a strange one, isn't it?

I also read that this film is the only reason really that What Lies Beneath exists because they had to have a year-long break in shooting so that Tom Hanks could grow out his beard and lose 50 pounds of weight to emulate having been on a desert island for four years and because Robert Zemeckis didn't want the crew to go off and get loads of different jobs and not be able to come back for the second half he made

What Lies Beneath with the same crew so he could keep them all. I didn't know that. Anyway I suppose ultimately although it's true that the FedEx plane crashes customers, consumers, punters don't actually get on FedEx planes, do they? So the main part of the branding for the customer to take away is, A, what a great company to work for. They never gave up the search for him. And when he got home, he got a party. Do they pay him for the four years that he's not been at work?

How does that count? Does that count as gardening leave? B, their packaging is shown to be indestructible. It's a bit like the Samsonite suitcases on Lost, isn't it? The FedEx packages are part of what he constructs his life out of on the island because they land with him and they haven't broken in their plunge to the sea. So all in all, it's probably a neutral promotion for FedEx, but with lots of brand awareness.

You mentioned Lost. And apparently after the success of this film, they pitched a TV series based on Castaway, and it was turned down, but it was shopped around, and eventually it was made as Lost. Here's a question from Will in Michigan who says, I've noticed that in many pictures of jesters... I mean, already it's a great...

I mean, I've never seen many pictures of jesters in my life. I've seen one or two. They are holding a staff with a tinier jester's head at the top end of it. I have seen that. We're all with Will here. We are, yes. I have tried to discover the origin of this device and what it might have been

used for, even going through books on the history of the jester. Wow. But you, Helen, are my last hope. Answer me this. What's the deal with the Jester. Wow. But you, Helen, are my last hope. Answer me this. What's the deal with the Jester's staff? What's the big idea? I feel a bit sorry for Will that he did so much research

and came up blank because it wasn't all that difficult to find out stuff about. 10 minutes on the internet, I'm guessing? It was more like 25. Well, you're on drugs. You're on drugs you're on drugs but you know still

not operating at full capacity and yet I discovered that jesters did often carry these sticks they're called marots and sometimes it was just a stick or sometimes it had little bells on or sometimes an inflated bladder like a balloon

now that is funny and sometimes that would be filled with dried peas so you could do a sound effect and there are various reasons why the staff had a little jester's head Now that is funny. And sometimes that would be filled with dried peas so you could do a sound effect. And there are various reasons why the staff had a little jester's head on the end. And one of those was just to indicate the jester's profession, because not all jesters were performing in a royal court with a uniform. People had one outfit in the Middle Ages often.

But I mean, if their main clothes are the ones that I'm imagining, which are like the red and yellow sort of plush. If they were, but they often weren't. And they're wearing a silly hat with that on. They really don't need that on the end of the staff as well. Like, I get it.

Here comes the comedian. If they did have that on the end of the staff and it matched, then cool. That's good branding. But a lot of them didn't have that uniform. They just had clothes. So if they were just wearing t-shirt and jeans they needed something to identify themselves as a jester like russell harrods haircut in modern day sure medieval t-shirt and jeans equivalent because that was their only outfits and it probably wasn't very bright and

colorful if it was all covered in shit as well and also they didn't earn a lot of money because they didn't have a trade and they weren't aristocrats. They were jesters. So they were kind of outside the conventional ways of earning money. So if you could get a position in a royal court, then great, easy street.

But that was the high-end jester, the ones we hear about, but not every jester's reality. So was it usual to have a staff that had other things on the end of it to indicate other things you might do for a profession? Like, did lawyers have one with a little wig on? It's interesting because monarchs and gods had staffs.

Yes. Jesters go back to ancient Egypt, ancient Rome. Those monarchs and gods are often depicted with a staff with maybe a bird on the end or a sacred animal or a face. And the jesters were kind of a fairground mirror version of monarchs because they were meant to be the only person that could kind of smack talk the monarch. Yeah. And apparently the only person as well

who could deliver real bad news to a monarch. That was often their job. Okay, so that isn't just Shakespeare having a laugh. No. That whole kind of conscience of a king shit is real. Yes, they are this weird this sort of warped reflection of the monarch so their staff is almost a parody of a scepter it's a bit like theresa may having an in-house satirist or something isn't it yeah

like hiring the writing team of the thick of it just to sit downstairs and call her a dickhead every time she walks in the room one other use for for the jester on a stick is that the jester was often performing alone and therefore it meant that they had a patsy or someone just to deliver the jokes to. A straight man, if you will. Or to use kind of as a puppet. And then there's one theory that I have that I haven't necessarily been able to back up that it's a weapon because you can hit things with a staff and jesters were often sent into difficult situations like battlefields, rather dangerous places. Like a stag night at junglers equivalent. After my commute, when I find the time, I can always send a question to the question line. Inquiries are wanted as a part of the plan.

I'll a Helen or Holly or Martin, a sound man. Answer me this podcast. Podcast at the narrow.com. Thank you very much to Bluffer's Guides for sponsoring this episode of Answer Me This. They are pocket guidebooks on everything you might want to pretend you know stuff about. very much to bluffers guides for sponsoring this episode of answer me this they are uh pocket guidebooks on uh everything you might want to pretend you know stuff about uh so there's one on beer and one on wine and one on dogs and one on chocolate what have you been reading helen i have read etiquette and jazz i learned that felonious monk's middle name was sphere i'm guessing that was the jazz book, not the etiquette one. Etiquette is just call him Mr. Monk

until you're on first name terms. Etiquette was quite funny because it basically could have been called dealing with people in the upper classes who are several decades older than you and still have formal dinner parties. Sure. I know enough etiquette to deal with people my own age.

What I didn't know is that you should never buy a tiara. You should only wear ones that have been inherited and only married women can wear them. I did not know that either. I could have made a real dick of myself. Yeah. And it had a very useful bit actually

about how to write people letters of condolence. Nice. Which I think is something people feel like they should do, but they feel almost too awkward to say anything because they think, what can you say? And there's a letter in there that you could basically copy and just change the names. I've been reading the one about cats.

Oh, what did you not know already about cats, given how much you love cats? The exact right number and type of scratching post to provide for cats. Oh, how many scratching posts do they need? The right number apparently is at least as many as there are cats in the household. Really? They don't share? No, well, it's not they don't, it's that it makes them anxious if they

have to and can lead to behavioural issues. So a lot of people listening like me will have had two or three cats in the past and just had the one post. So that's something I learned. But if you don't care about cats or etiquette or jazz, they have dozens of other guides. Yeah, golf, opera. You can read one in an hour or two if you just want to brush up on something and learn a few funny little facts that you can drop into conversation yeah and all the books including the all-new bluffers guide to brexit are available for 6.99 and they are available with free delivery to uk addresses included when you buy them at bluffers.com hi helen ollie Ollie and Martin the sound

man it's Lindsay from California. I'm currently sick laying in my bed drinking some cranberry juice out of the bottle it's fine because I live alone but I started reading the bottle and on the back it has a picture of a smiling group of people presumably the growers as it's stated on the bottle but they're standing amongst a field of cranberries or in a field of cranberries floating cranberries or very very large pile of cranberries but i assume that there's a layer of cranberries floating on some water but answer me this is that how they wash the cranberries? Why are they standing in them? It grosses me out. Especially that little girl. She doesn't even have overalls on.

The flooding of cranberries is a very important part of cranberry growing. So, sorry, Lindsay. Cranberries got to flood. They do. At least twice a year. They're grown on low vines, sort of like strawberries, you know, a low plant along the ground. So they're not grown in water because that's a misconception, actually of like strawberries, you know, a low plant along the ground. So they're not grown in water because that's a common misconception actually, is it? Indeed, yeah, because of all the ocean spray ads, you think they're just grown in a big paddling pool.

But no, they're grown in these beds, which are called bogs. I know why the brand wasn't Bog Spray. Cranberries are grown in sunken beds. Those beds are, for the majority of the year, dry. But they are flooded at two critical times. The first time in winter, because the water insulates them from frost, which can really just destroy your cranberries. So they'll be flooded for several weeks in winter, up to about three months. And then maybe they will drain them and pipe off the water to somewhere else because they do reuse the water.

And then reflood them for a few weeks, late April late April early May to prevent a late frost damage or pests but then they're flooded again for the harvest in October and a harvester drives through and it knocks off the right berries off the plants and those float to the top because there are air pockets inside the cranberry and then they can kind of skim the top of the water to gather the cranberries. Okay but this picture that Lindsay's seeing on the bottle that's disturbing her of a little girl standing in the cranberry bog is that a bit like pressing the grapes with your feet like in Greece when they're making wine? Is it part of the process that a person stands in it? Because when you say a harvester that doesn't suggest a person standing in it. The harvester

is a vehicle but then when they are gathering the cranberries the fields are quite big but they do wade around in them wearing waders to pull the cranberries somewhere where they can get them out of the water and send them off to be cleaned. So it is still necessary to have people touching the cranberries. It is yeah. So Lindsay it is an essential part of the process that you're scoffing at. 90 to 95 percent of cranberries are harvested this way, and then the other 5 to 10% are harvested dry, so they can be sold as the fresh or frozen kind of whole cranberry,

because the others you sell them as juice or relish or dried cranberries, processed cranberries. Hello, Helen and Olly and Martin the Sam Man. It's Sam here from New York. It's my birthday on Sunday, and Friday a co-worker, very enthusiastic co-worker, gave me a gift and they said, oh you're gonna love it. It's the best present. It's just picked out for you. But foolish enough I managed to lose it before I opened it. I'm gonna be seeing this co-worker later in the week and I don't know what was in the present and obviously they're gonna ask me about the present. What's the best way to style it out and pretend that't know what was in the present and obviously they're going to ask me about the present what's

the best way to style it out and pretend that I know what the present is without hurting my co-workers feelings oh feelings are gonna be hurt I think so I don't think there's any way you have to come clean there is no other way you can't style it out that's it sorry I agree I think you have to be honest about it maybe you can soften the blow by buying them a bunch of flowers or a bottle of a drink that they like or something like that and go, I'm really sorry. I mislaid the present before I opened it and I feel so terrible about it because I know that you put in a lot of effort to choose it. And they'll be like, oh, and you'll be like, I know I'm such a dick. What was in it? And they'll be like, it was a bread knife with a little hedgehog on the handle. And you'd be like, oh, that was my dream. And you might be relieved not to get whatever it was. Play up the remorse. Well, that was my concern was that some acting will be involved. It will. Because almost inevitably, if someone says, this is so you,

this gift is so, I saw it, you will love it. It's setting everyone up for disappointment. You and them. Exactly. They've latched on to a projected part of your personality of which you might not even be aware it's certainly not going to be the thing that you think defines you what if it was a really excellent gift though on a footnote sam uh just judging by his vocal style sounds to me like a brit who's now living in new york and working there yeah

use the accent privilege if if it's an American colleague, accent privilege all the way. Well, listeners, that brings us to the end of this episode of Answer Me This. I'm glad to be back. If you have a question for the next episode, which will be out on the first Thursday of September, barring any more surprise illnesses. Please no. Please no more surprise illnesses ever.

And then all our contact details are available on our website. AnswerMethispodcast.com you can email us a question you can also record a question using the voice memo app on your phone or something and email that file to us so we can hear from you and also remember if you want more helen and ollie and martin indeed in your life we have other side projects on the internet you mentioned the modern man earlier ollie so you've got cruise ships coming up. What is already in the bank that people can binge whilst waiting for cruising with Mickey? I've got an interview out with the performance scientist Dr. Steve Ingham. He's a guy who trains Olympic champions, like proper ones.

He trained Jessica Ennis-Hill from the age of like 17 or something to become a gold-winning Olympian. And even if you're not at all interested in sport as you know i am not uh it's an interesting interview because he tells you basically about i suppose it's self-help isn't it it's motivation it's how do you manage to become a champion and put all your other wants and desires to one side so that's available now along with about 80 other episodes at modernmanwith2ends.co.uk. Do you think you are now better able to become the athletic champion that you've always held back from being so far? I think if you could see me now physically, Helen,

the answer to that question would be evident. My show, The Illusionist, is back after a surprise hospital break. And it is an entertainment show based around linguistics. And how many of those do you come across in your lifetime i also have a lot of live dates coming up in september i have a bunch around the uk and october november i'm touring the us and a tiny bit of canada so that's at the illusionist.org you can find the show and the gig listings and martin will be playing live music at those gigs

he's very good in them thanks i'm glad he has a function apart from just looking after your drugs trolley and martin uh your podcast song by song tell us about that it's a podcast in which we talk about every tom wait song in chronological order but we also talk about other music as well and we have some fun guests uh you can find that at songbysongpodcast.com our friend sam clements who uh makes the picture house podcast bought martin as a gift the mid-90s film bram stoker's dracula not starring tom waits but with a bit part involving tom waits oh i didn't know that uh tom waits was in that because obviously like my main focus when i saw it and i had it on vhs was to constantly rewind the bits where yeah focus when I saw it and I had it on VHS was to constantly

rewind the bits where Keanu Reeves gets a handjob from a vampire ass but good I'm glad Tom Waits is in it too it's shit though isn't it

it was unwatchably bad we managed an hour and that was good going to be honest and I was on a lot of painkillers and I couldn't make it beyond an hour

I'm a Tom Waits fan but he should not be the best thing about a film there are good people. That's directed by Francis Ford Coppola. It is starring Richard E. Grant, Gary Oldman.

It is. It's a stinker. It's a stylised stinker. Even for the love of Tom, Martin couldn't drag himself through the whole thing. Maybe there's a supercut with just the scenes where Tom Waits is eating flies in his cell. Anyway you can hear Martin talking about Tom Waits in a

more enthusiastic way on Song by Song. We are also in your feeds halfway through each month with an episode from the Answer Me This archives which are extensive. Yes but you need to subscribe to hear that episode so make sure you subscribe to us on iTunes or Spotify

or wherever you get your podcasts. Then just sit back and enjoy some more question answering entertainment at a moment of your leisure. We're here to be in your ears, as we have been for the past 11 and a half years, except for last month when I was in hospital, unable to speak. Yep. What she said.

Why are you smirking at me, Martin? Why are you making a kind of angry rabbit face? Because there was just one moment in his life where he could enjoy you not being able to speak and it was tainted by sadness. It's a confusing emotion for all of us. Anyway, see you next time. Bye!