Answer Me This! - AMT368: St Nicholas's Sidekicks, Joseph and Mary's Marriage, and Slime

Episode Date: December 9, 2018

AMT368 is a bulging sack of festive questions, including: were Joseph and Mary married? Why are there Santas in department stores? And should you disinvite your friends from your New Year's Eve celebrations because one of them shagged the other one's girlfriend? Find out more about this episode at . Send us questions for future episodes: email written words or voice memos to [e-mail]. Tweet us http://twitter.com/helenandolly Facebook http://facebook.com/answermethis Subscribe on Apple Podcasts Now is the OPTIMAL time to listen to the AMT Christmas album! It's available, along with all our special albums, Best Of compilations and classic episodes 1-200, at . Hear Helen Zaltzman's podcast The Allusionist at , Olly Mann's The Modern Mann at , and Martin Austwick's Song By Song at . This episode is sponsored by Squarespace and Haynes publishing. Want to build a website? Go to , and get a 10% discount on your first purchase of a website or domain with the code 'answer'. Haynes is running a Secret Santa deal on its books: get Bluffer's Guides on a multitude of subjects or the parody Haynes Explains books for £5 each at http://haynes.com/santa. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Is that a menorah on your Christmas tree? Will Mary Poppins Returns kill off Nanny McPhee? It's Christmas time, there's no need to be afraid. You sure? What's that in the cupboard? What about global warming? It's mid-york. He lives in the cupboard what about global warming it's mid-year he lives in my cupboard now as you're unwrapping your christmas presents we are wrapping up the mystery about whose legs were in the bill i hate it when threads get left hanging i didn't want to better course all this and have this going over the next six years i'm going to give you the answers now you will recall helen that where we were up to on this was i was asking for verification from listeners that when karen england appeared on gm

tv on the 31st of august 2010 it was that karen england the one who allegedly was the legs the female legs in the closing titles of the bill and that was her major imdb credit yes wasn't it it was the only other credit on imdb she's not someone who's made lots of media appearances in which she would be confirming her legness um nick was the first to tweet us at helen and ollie to say the final episode of the bill was on the 31st of august 2010 the same day karen england was on gmtv so the story checks out oh well done, Nick. I was really quite relieved when I saw that because I sensed that the end was in sight.

But then, Helen, we received this confirmation on our phone line. This is James from London. And I'm Anna. Anna is my cousin. And, Ollie, your prayers answered. Anna does work at ITV. I asked Anna to look at the archive transcript for GMTV Daybreak, 31st of August, 2010, and... Karen England is the legs in the Bill's intro.

So there you have it. Wow, I feel like Sarah Koenig, if only they had managed to confirm who killed Hayman Lee in Series 1 of Serial. But I have since that call found the clip on YouTube, which I believe was actually uploaded on YouTube by another of our listeners who works at ITV but didn't want to be named.

Much obliged to you, anonymous. And have watched the clip. And within the seven-minute interview, they also helpfully referenced that Paul Page Hansen was the other pair of legs. Okay. So now we have them both, you know, fairly categorically, I think, authenticated.

And therefore we can say, Gemma from Cheshire it wasn't your auntie annette job done merry christmas everyone and in the clip on gmtv is she sitting on the sofa being interviewed or is she walking away from the camera whilst being interviewed she walks towards the camera at first and they recreate it with music and everything but then she comes over to the sofa for a friendly chat okay so you do see her below the knee you do absolutely and do you recognize her from the shins i don't i don't but she had a different life by then she was in the shins uh by then she was a dog trainer by trade ah so calves are covered in bite marks i guess uh heel was a popular command for her then and as far as i can tell i mean her website isn't updated frequently she's still a dog trainer in mid a popular command for her then. And as far as I can tell, I mean, her website isn't updated frequently.

She's still a dog trainer in Middlesex. Good for her. Yeah, so I think I know everything I wanted to know about the woman who played the legs in the closing title sequence of the bill. Man, still an enigma. Well, I still have a few more questions about Paul Page Hanson, but I'm not curious enough to extend this into 2019. So don't get in touch if you know him, don't care. Well, I feel satisfied satisfied job done yeah a victory for answer me this let's just end it there we're not going to top that our year's work has come to

a satisfying conclusion surely although that is the beginning of the show so we can't retire right now because there's an episode to continue and here's a question from hayley who says my husband and i have owned a news agency in a small town in western australia for just over a year Last year at Christmas, we received cards from a few businesses we deal with and a few of our elderly customers. We have about 30 customers that have their newspapers put aside for them at the shop, so we see them every day. I thought about giving cards to these customers last year, but in the end, simply ran out of time. Yeah, that's me every Christmas. I haven't sent a Christmas card since the 90s. I know you don't really do presents in your family unless there's an actual need for the present to be given

and you know someone wants a particular thing. But do you do cards? I'm not sure if that's right. No, I mean, cards are for impersonal contacts. I think cards are a nice thing and actually necessary for certain members of my family. Like my grandma and my mom in particular would always get a present and a card from me,

even though I'm giving them a present and I've seen them just because without it, it feels incomplete. But where I draw the line on impersonality is i feel it is unacceptable in a card to someone you know simply to write love and then your name what if you don't even write love looking at martin's parents here because they managed to find cards that are extremely personal and it'll be uh happy christmas daughter-in-law but then it will just say say happy Christmas daughter-in-law who's just recovered from surgery and recently travelled the world that will be printed on the front inside it will just say from Dave and Val wow from? just

harsh I think maybe they think that the decision making process is how they're showing love and attention they've gone to the time and effort of finding a dear daughter-in-law who's just recovered from hospital while travelling around the world. Card. Card, yeah.

I know what you mean, and I think that's right, because I'm married to a woman who behaves in this way. I don't know that she ever in our Valentine's exchanges literally just put love. She might have put something like... Kind regards. Best wishes. She might have put something like, I love you you so much and then her name but still i remember the first time i got it thinking oh okay because i've written an essay in yours like only

like 50 words but not five i think that's nice to write 50 word mess i just think what's the point of a card otherwise because all you've done is buy a thing that says something in lieu of what you actually want to say i agree but maybe that's why i don't send cards because uh when i open a card i'm suddenly at a loss for things to say i like to draw something yeah but you can't send cock and balls to everybody martin it's not appropriate i did an amazing 40th birthday card from a friend jim it was it was like this really veiny penis like spunking a rainbow that said happy birthday jim across the skies and did you draw it on your actual penis or did you at least have the dignity to give it to him in cardboard form? Gentleman doesn't say

Anyway, yes, back to the question So Ollie asked me this Is it weird for a business to give Christmas cards to customers they see on a daily basis? I have received Christmas cards from businesses we personally deal with before But it's usually the kind of business whose services we haven't used in a while I don't want to creep people out But I also don't want them to think we don't appreciate their business. It's fascinating, isn't it, to see how other people think.

I mean, like, why would you possibly think that it would creep someone out to give them a Christmas card? Someone who you know. And actually make the distinction, because I know them, it would creep them out. Like Christmas cards are only for people you don't know. Like, what the hell's going on in that person's head? That is my approach to intimacy, though. It's too personal for people you don't know like what the hell's going on in that person's head that is my approach to intimacy though

it's too personal with people you know so isn't the thing here like if you get a Christmas card from a business the underlying kind of subtext is hey if you need to buy some paper this year why not come to me so is it just that it's a little bit corporate

it's a little bit needy it's like it's not a gift given just with the joy of Christmas in mind it's also a bit like remember to come in by your sweeties but i do that as a freelancer i don't know you helen like i don't bother actually doing it but when i intended to send christmas cards last my list of people was friends and family that i actually love and care about and colleagues that i wanted to remind that i existed i mean i wouldn't bother sending it to every producer that i'd worked with at a radio station, for instance, but I would think I should probably send something to the boss

because it might remind him or her that I exist. Okay. It would still mean happy Christmas, but it would be happy Christmas. And by the way, have you got a show for me in 2019? Right. If I had colleagues and I worked in a place, then I would probably give out more Christmas cards

and impersonal gifts. But I think in Hayley's case, especially as she mentions that these people are elderly and she sees them every day. And come to her for the distribution of paper-based products. She is quite a big part of their lives. Some elderly people don't see a lot of people each day depending on their living situation. And also they are from a more paper-based communication era. I don't think any of them would be offended if you gave them a nice card. You don't have to write a lengthy message in it,

but just something handwritten. I think I would find that very touching and I'm not elderly yet. I think they're more likely to extend their custom with you and they won't find it weird. I think daily as well. I found it weird when a local Goan takeaway used to send me a lot in Christmas cards,

dear customer, when we frequented them maybe once every four months was it a discount card though no really it wasn't bring along this card and get 10 off whatever it was quite a nice christmas card and it was usually the only you're my favorite customer and every time you come in i feel like i'm back in goa did it say that did you ever did you ever get that thing where you would get like a calendar from a tranny's takeaway i used to really like that yeah that's great mr tang's mandarin in stanmore used to provide the calendar for about 10 years running to my parents and we only went there basically on new year's eve for the calendar so i think she should do this i mean now i'm

thinking what have i done i gave our local bookshop owner a birthday present once of some homemade brownies hasn't he got the same birthday as me he's got the same birthday as mine so it's just like you're giving him my leftover brownies no i gave martin no brownies but that's nice because i presume you knew it was his birthday because you'd had a conversation in real life in which he'd alluded to that and you were actually you know remembering that conversation reminding him that you'd remembered it i don't think it's creepy at all i think if anything like it is creepy when businesses you don't have correspondence with get in touch because then the motivation really is just

come back i'm thinking of you hotel aqua in bodrum um but um you know if it's someone or a business that i actually uh regularly uh get involved with it actually it clearly seems to be saying to me you're a special involvement in our business and we want to commemorate that in card form and i think that's quite nice i think this is nice local shop for local people it's saying we have a heart we've had a human connection we're not just about selling you your copy of the newspaper i mean let's be honest there's the internet we're having a connection we have a heart and we have cards yeah exactly i think it's really sweet as well when elderly people still walk to the newsagent to get their paper.

Not the having a paper copy thing, which I do understand because not only is that a generational thing. I actually prefer having a paper copy to reading it online. If I was retired and had an hour to read the paper, that's what I'd do. Are you saving them all up until you do retire? Just got this stack. But the walk to the newsagents, that's interesting, isn't it? Because they could get it delivered. I mean, you could say, well say well they're saving 50p a day you can't always get it delivered anymore maybe but probably can't get the professional children i mean where i live uh

certainly the people who don't pay the 50p for the delivery choose to go to the news agents for social reasons because they walk through the village i know them because i walk through the village sometimes with my son to get a chocolate croissant from our news agent we bump into a guy on the street quite often who's about 70 odds i think his name is william he used to be an architect i've had lots of chats with him on the street and that's not about him picking up his copy of the mail that is about him wanting a chat yeah uh the shop i used to work in in tunbridge wells in the 90s the antiquarian bookshop we had monday club wednesday club friday club uh just a bunch of old gaffers who came in we first rule of friday club mr goffin gets the chair right that was the

first rule of friday club um mr goffin have knee problems mr goffin was pretty fucking old he don't the chair but um most of them didn't buy books but you know it was nice to keep an eye on them if they hadn't come in we would have been worried about them and they brought us presents at christmas and uh we probably gave them cards if we gave anyone a card. Seriously, what happened in Bookshop Club? Well, they would come and we would make them a cup of tea or coffee

according to their preferences, which we had on a list above the kettle. Wow. If you're a real regular, you made the list. Does this bookshop still exist in Humbridge Wells? Yes, Hall's Bookshop, down by Charles the Martyr Church. Big up the guys at Hall's.

I think probably most of them are dead. Right. Another Australian resident has been in touch. It's Andrew who says, I've been living in Melbourne, Australia for the last three and a bit years, but I've recently decided to move home to Aberdeen as I simply cannot handle another summer with 40 degree heat and I miss the biting cold and eternal darkness of winter in Scotland.

People are weird. I am currently travelling around New Zealand for a month or so before heading back and have decided to keep my moving back home a secret from my parents. People are weird. Why would you do that? Surely you've got to lie for months. How's 2019 looking for you, Andrew? Oh, same old, same old, mum. You know how it is here in melbourne another scorchy summer helen asked me this how should i surprise my parents when i do get back to aberdeen i mean just by getting back to aberdeen you'll be surprising the fuck out of them anything extra might kill them that's true i have considered ringing the doorbell and then jumping out of a

large parcel or else breaking into the house and decorating for christmas no i think those four words are doing a lot of work in that sentence so do you have any other suggestions uh maybe this is boring i do think if you just ring the bell maybe you could put a bow around yourself yeah is this on christmas day because remember there are not many transport options on christmas day maybe you want it to be christmas eve what if they've got plans on Christmas Day? What if they're like, well, actually, we're going on holiday to Mallorca. That's what I was thinking.

What if they've flown to Australia to surprise you? I don't know if they have other children, but if you're the only child and their parents are dead, for example, don't know, but if they are. Or they don't like any of the family. They may well have said, right, well, Andrew's not coming back. Let's invite the swingers club round. Like, play it carefully.

Sexy Christmas. Or more likely, they've just gone to their elderly mothers. So you'd have to know where they are and turn up at the right place and not shock anyone to death. I think Christmas Eve, don't you? Could you not do that thing where you call them and you're like, hey, how is your Christmas Eve? And then you'll be outside. Like someone in the 80s who doesn't know that mobile phones are a thing. Yeah, exactly.

But do you think Andrew does need to do anything else? Like a costume or dressing as a giant present? I quite like the tradition of the thing inside the present. I'm not sure about that. I always think of the human in the box. I always think of the Velvet Underground song, The Gift, which if you don't know it, I won't spoiler it for you. You can spoiler it for me. It's fine.

No, I don't want to spoil it for the listeners. No, you literally won't spoil it for me. What about for the listeners? I mean, I've always had really a dubious interest in the listeners. Go ahead. I'm not going to spoil it for you. No, I want to know what you... I'm not going to tell you. Don't make a reference to something without saying it.

Go and listen to it. Does someone die in the box? It gives me a very... I'm going to take that as a yes. ...negative association with posting yourself to somebody. Fine. And considering the logistics of being a person inside a giant present sure and i think either you need an accomplice who can help you get into a box

and deliver the box or you basically need to make an outfit out the box that you can walk in so basically like you get a packing crate and turn it upside down so your feet are coming out the bottom which would usually be the lid yeah and then like make some breathing holes and eye holes and stuff and then kind of scuttle up, hide under it while they answer the door. But then it's harder to burst out. Well, hold on. Andrew's coming from Melbourne. Presumably he's got a fairly large suitcase with him because he's relocating.

We don't know that he has anywhere to live in Aberdeen. He might have tried to save money by flying first to Heathrow and then commuting to Aberdeen. He's going to be very tired. Has he got time to stop and get the supplies you're referring to to disguise himself as a giant present en route? Well, this is why I think just a gift ribbon would do. I think so. And you can buy that at the paper chase in the airport, can't you?

I understand Martin's misgivings now having read the end of the lyrics to the gift. Oh, you've looked it up because Martin wouldn't go there. He's in a box. Yeah. Don't spoil it. Someone opens the box using a knife. Okay, fine. And thus opens the man also.

Okay, that was beautiful. I imagine those are the lyrics directly sung by Lou Reed. It's John Carroll, isn't it? What, the guy in the box? No, no, the lyric. It's not Lou Reed delivering the lyrics. Is there a Lou Reed Christmas song? Because I'm sure I heard something on the radio

that sounded like a Lou Reed Christmas song yesterday. It's just Christmas Day Because I'm sure I heard something on the radio that sounded like a Louis Christmas song yesterday. It's just Christmas Day. I'm glad I spent it with mum. Taking smack. I've got a question. Then email your question. Do answer me this podcast at googlemail.com. Answer me this podcast at googlemail.com. Answer me this podcast at googlemail.com ticking off on this week's run of Today in History. On Monday, we bring you the real story of the mutiny on the bounty.

On Tuesday, the anniversary of the day somebody invented the meatball, but who? On Wednesday, the iconic British car that ripped off an iconic American car. On Thursday, how American airlines invented air miles. And on Friday, the UFO sighting that gripped colonial America. We discuss this and more on Today in History with The Retrospectors. 10 minutes each weekday, wherever you get your podcasts. Here's a question from Cheska, who says, I've started to see more and more slime videos popping up on my Instagram feeds. Think about who you're following, is my advice there. Yeah. If that's a surprise to you,

stop following people called things like XXXslimeLol, because that's what they're into. Point of view clips of mostly women stretching, crunching and slapping around a rubbery mess. It is oddly bewitching. The way she says it there, mostly women. I mean, I know that was your intonation. It's just an email. But still, it seemed to me like she was saying there might be a misogynistic, sexualized element. I was thinking sexualized.

But then that's because I've heard the Love and Radio episode about someone who does balloon porn, where people pay just to watch this woman blow up balloons and then pop them so there is a how do you say amsr sm asmr asmr the audio wank thing there is there's that why don't we get into audio wank i think we have we're in the 12th year of it i think there are some people who watch those videos because they get off on the sound effects and then so maybe some of those people fancy the people hosting them but there's no reason to assume that that would be people who fancy women number one and number two um i think it is still mostly children who watch these videos like unboxing toy videos and therefore mostly women presenting them simply because most kids tv presenters are women so i'm not sure there's a big surprise there okay cheska says i first heard of

it when a friend of mine was looking after a 13 year old girl who asked to my friend's confusion can we make slime i assumed it was a tween craze but now it seems like slime has oozed its way into the mainstream good choice of verb ollie answer me this what is slime where did the craze start and supplementary question what crazes did you follow as tweens mine were beanie babies and yo-yos uh could you call game boys a craze i mean my interest when i was a tween were writing plays and creating souvenir theatrical programs for non-existent shows that i had written and started yeah that was absolutely a craze amongst tweens in the early 90s what um what defines a twin uh you're between you're not yet a teenager

between not yet a man not yet a girl oh it's the other one isn't it i am how does it not yet a woman i'm not a girl i'm not a girl not yet no longer a girl not yet yeah i don't know i mean the semantics are unimportant the point is what britney was perceived to be so like 12 basically yeah okay yeah 11 12 like implication is you're beginning to have growing pains, but yet to fully bloom. I'm over 10, not yet a teen. But anyway, what is slime? Oh, unless you have a tween craze you want to talk about.

No, I wasn't allowed crazes. I think that was my Warhammer era. Yeah, that's a craze. Yeah, it's a bit silly, isn't it? And actually, you're older than us, and we'll make a joke out of that, but I'll make a serious point here. When you were a tween, that probably was more legitimately a craze yeah it's a bit silly isn't it and actually you're older than us and we make a joke out of that but i'm making a serious point here when you were a tween that probably was more legitimately a craze because it was newish wasn't it yeah but so was acid house yeah that's true didn't get on board that did you 12 year old martin uh anyway slime what is it i mean if she

means like how do you make it the basic recipe for slime is school glue, like that PVA stuff. Yeah, white glue. The stuff that used to stick on your fingers. I used to love doing that. It's a fantastic adaptable substance. You pretend you're a zombie. I used to pretend I had an extra layer of skin and I was ripping off a layer of...

Yeah, me too. I like being a zombie. But I actually did have psoriasis in my scalp, so it made me feel comfortable about myself. Oh, that's nice. You then mix that with borax detergent and food colouring. Ah, I have made slime then.

I had to make fake organs for a friend's zombie promenade theatre, so I made some livers and things with exactly this recipe. Really? Where did you get the recipe from? Internet. What did you Google to find it? Fake livers? No, I think I found the recipe and then a few months later my friend said, oh, I'm doing this, and I was like, I could probably make you some organs. But now, because of this craze, so this has been like an internet thing widely understood to have

begun in around 2015 um it's huge now there are hundreds of thousands of videos particularly on instagram about it but now because of that craze it's a bit like the unicorn thing i don't understand why it's a thing but it is a thing um there are now all kinds of pimped recipes so like people the reason people return to these video makers is they're telling them, try it by putting glitter in it. Try it by putting chocolate buttons in it. But that's the basic recipe.

That's bad to put edible things in it because it's fundamentally not an edible recipe. Right. And that's what I was thinking when I learned that this is actually something that makes this topical. Just this week or last week, Kraft have announced they're making edible slime jello. Ooh.

What, play with it and then eat it? Yeah. And it's all full of fluff and crap. Mixed messages for kids. Bearing in mind the conversation we've had about Play-Doh before, like, you can eat it, but you shouldn't. Just, why would you encourage children? You mean it's training kids to eat non-edible slime?

Just exactly. An edible slime that already exists would be like a really runny cheese. I suppose that's right, but you wouldn't play with it first. I wouldn't. But then I also wouldn't eat slime, so I tend to keep those substances separate. Well, talking of other Christmas presents, this is from Chris in Newcastle, Australia.

Lots of Aussies this week. Yeah. Who says, every year, my friend gives me a Christmas present of a movie on DVD. His selections are pretty good. At worst, it's a film I'm happy to watch at least once. That's impressive. That's the bare minimum, isn't it, that I'd want from a DVD? To watch it.

To watch it once. It could be a film I've seen before but has really good extras. Chris continues. The problem is that DVDs are so last decade. Ouch. I'm a snob for quality and prefer a Blu-ray standard. Alright, hard format. Surely it would be Super HD these days,

or Ultra HD or whatever it's called, if you're going to be insistent on that. Anyway, after all, if you're watching a Paul Thomas Anderson film at DVD quality, are you really watching it? Wow, what an existential question. Yeah, you are. Furthermore, I'm currently on a mission to declutter,

and many of my DVDs will soon go to charity. A voucher for a digital service would be much more appropriate. So Helen, answer me this. How do I suggest to my friend that his gifts are good, but the format needs changing? Well, you could just say, oh, this is so lovely of you and such a great film, but I don't have a DVD player anymore. Oh, but then he'll say, but I get you a DVD every year. Why didn't you keep your

dvd player i just got rid of it i decided to declutter got rid of my dvds and my dvd player so i decided to throw away all the christmas presents you've given me for the last 10 years by implication digitize them i took pictures of all of them to remember them by our friends sam and louise have been sending us films on itunes for our birthdays when we've been away and i thought that was very thoughtful that's quite good how do they do that then how does that arrive so it arrives as a like sam and louise have bought you paddington too so you know that they've like put in the effort to choose a film for you yeah but you don't have the burden of a physical object well what i was going to suggest chris and i don't know if your friend lives nearby

is that he could perhaps buy you a cinema ticket instead because they're like an advanced purchase cinema ticket because then you have the physical thing if the thing is that he could perhaps buy you a cinema ticket instead because they're like an advanced purchase cinema ticket because then you have the physical thing if the thing is that he wants to give you something physical and pass it over to you so then you have a piece of paper but also you get to go together so you get the joint pleasurable experience and the quality is actually higher than you'd get at home because you're a quality nerd yeah unless he's like well the projection is not as good as my home blu-ray player. Okay, get an IMAX laser ticket. But then he's got to find out when Chris is free. He could make him

a voucher, I guess. But then he could make him a voucher for a month's subscription to Amazon Prime, couldn't he? But Chris has to say to his friend that he doesn't want the DVDs anymore, and that is a difficult conversation. We don't know what Chris gives his friend, if it's a reciprocal arrangement as well. Maybe the friend is like, oh, Chris keeps giving me ties. I don't know what Chris gives his friend if it's a reciprocal arrangement as well. Maybe the friend is like, Chris keeps giving me ties.

Yeah. I don't have a neck. Or Chris keeps giving me digital products. And I've made it clear I don't use computers. Exactly, because they read my thoughts. sell like hotcakes I want to expand my business beyond the school gates so I make so much money my wallet would fill a lake or a reservoir would do with squarespace.com

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Try shiitake and giggles. Google that to see if anyone is doing a restaurant called shiitake and giggles. You're a unique mind. It's a dobin, mushy and laughing gas restaurant uh there's a shiitake mushrooms blooper from this morning that comes up holly willoughby laughing that's the closest you've got hi helen ollie and martin the sound guy i recently moved to the netherlands and as happens in most western countries christmas hype is all about I have noticed quite a few strange Dutch Christmas traditions as I babysit in a Dutch household. For starters children receive

presents in the Netherlands much earlier than in the United States or South Africa where I'm from. They also put letters in a shoe to Saint Nicholas, their equivalent to Santa Claus. And I guess the most troubling of all is Svarta Pitt, who appears to be Saint Nicholas's helper, and is generally a man or woman in blackface. So answer me this, Where did the tradition of Svartapit come from? And how does a country begin to engage with a history like that when blackface has become very problematic in mainstream global media and culture? Which bit do you want to answer first? What is Svartapit or how they are dealing with blackface in the modern day? The former, please. Let's have a history lesson. is svartapit or how they are dealing with blackface in the modern day um the former please let's have a history lesson it's kind of complicated because christmas history is really complicated i guess because there are so many elements of different cultures that have been wedged together

into one festival and there used to be lots and lots of different things last christmas i gave you a complicated uh lesson on the intersectionality of culture and christmas traditions very next day you regurgitated it to someone at a party and then they backed away slowly, pretending they needed the loo, but really they just wanted Twiglets and not to talk to you. This year, you insisted on asking us about blackface. What do you want?

Svartabit, apologies if mispronouncing it, Svartabit, which means black Pete, is attributed to an 1850 children's book by a teacher, Jan Schenkman. He's sort of St. Nicholas's sidekick. But St. Nicholas had a sidekick since ancient times who would often be the cheeky one. So St. Nicholas would visit the children on the 5th or 6th of December,

usually depending on which country, I guess because he couldn't do everyone on the 5th, so some of it bled into the 6th. And his sidekick would often be a kind of terrifying figure who would beat the naughty children or send them to Spain. Is that Connect Ruprecht? Yeah, it has lots of names including Connect Ruprecht. Connect

Ruprecht? Connect Ruprecht, that's the German version. Is it? We learnt about it in German class, yeah. Is he a black fellow as well? No, I don't think so. I think he just, you know, like Helen says, Santa Claus gives gifts and he gives punishments. I like the yin and yang idea because, I don't think so. I think he just, you know, like Helen says, Santa Claus gives gifts and he gives punishments. I like the yin and yang idea because, I mean, Father Christmas is so genial

and then there's this whole business about, you know, naughty and nice, but it's like, well, I mean, I've never read a story where he passes over any child's house. Well, he was genial. He almost gives them a booby prize. He's genial now, but he wasn't then. He was more of a terrifying figure before and it was more of a saint and it was a booby prize. He's genial now, but he wasn't then. He was more of a terrifying figure before

and it was more of a saint and it was a moral reckoning. He's passing judgment, isn't he? And yet more people typically get curmudgeonly as they get older than nicer. And so there's like Krampus and Belschnickel, Connectoruprex. Who's Belschnickel? It's a whole riff on St. Nicholas's Companion.

They're all sidekicks. All sidekicks. It's not like St. Nicholas has one of each sidekick. It's just different cultures' names for roughly the same person. Sure. It's a bit like when they take a TV format and translate it, isn't it? Yeah. It's like, you know, this needs to be presented by two women

because it was originally presented by Mel and Sue or whatever. Oh, yeah, you need the weird sidekick. If you're saying that, Dwight, the Mackenzie crook analog in um the american office is the star of a really good office christmas episode about belchnickel in series nine wow yeah so svartapit is not necessarily a new idea in this children's book of 1850 but it might be the first time he's been deliberately expressed but the difference between svartapit and the santa sidekicks from before is that svartapit is not so much a sidekick as a servant or slave because they think that the author Jans Schenkman

was very interested in people who owned slaves and maybe that's what inspired Svartapit who is depicted in blackface either because he was Moorish. Like Othello. Like Othello. Or because he spends a lot of time going up and down chimneys so he's got very sooty skin oh bullshit yeah santa claus spends enough time going up and down chimneys yeah he's got a perfectly white beard as i recollect and also why do they always put an afro wig and bright red lips on svartepit if uh it's just soot a lot of parts of um the netherlands have eased off on the blackface so

either they don't do it or they get people of different skin tones to play him without any blackface makeup or they just put a bit of soot on to make it clear that it's soot rather than blackface yeah but then there's the protest where they're like but i want blackface because it's tradition and you're like well tradition is just an excuse for not being better. Also, if you're a person of colour, do you want to make this history of blackface a little more acceptable by participating in it? Exactly, yeah. I suppose the point is that the part isn't very good.

I mean, and that's the thing with Othello, isn't it? That's a good part that Shakespeare wrote. So like now when you see black actors play Othello and it would be unthinkable to see a white actor doing it in blackface, it's not justifying this terribly racist play. It's a really good play in which it feels more appropriate for a black person to play the role. Whereas, I guess, with Black Peter,

is he making a significant contribution to the cultural experience of Christmas? Well, also people are acting like things haven't changed. Like, this isn't that old a tradition. The story is from 1850. Father Christmas has only been in red robes since the 19th century has only been visiting on the 24th of december rather than the 6th since i think 1822 was the poem in the night before christmas the night before christmas he shifts christmas

hasn't moved yeah well i mean it has i mean that's complicated as well but less recently in the poem the night before christmas that is what establishes Santa as visiting to deliver presents on Christmas Eve rather than the 6th. I mean, it's that recent. And yet it's kind of delivered to you as if that is ancient. But it changes all the time. So why not change it to be a bit better? It's interesting, isn't it,

that Rosa, coming from South Africa, recognises this issue. I mean, maybe you have to come from a country where the worst consequences of this sort of thing have been realised to see the potential issues in Holland. Because my understanding is actually no one, literally no one was discussing this in the mainstream in Holland until about ten years ago.

It just wasn't a concern. And in the big telly special this year, apparently, on Netherlands telly, the Black Peter characters had soot on their face. Like, it was that and there wasn't the gold earrings and there wasn Like it was that and there wasn't the gold earrings and there wasn't the big lips and there wasn't the wig. Here's a question from Robin Kinross who says, Ollie, answer me this.

Who first had the idea of setting up fake Santas in department stores? Did Miracle on 34th Street invent it? Department store Santas began in 1890 and it was a Scotsman who came up with it bloke called James Edgar who uh it wasn't in Scotland though he'd emigrated to Brockton Massachusetts and he started the tradition in his department store but I don't think even he knew that this would be the template for all toy shops and department stores thereafter because if you look into his biography he used to like dressing up at virtually you know the drop of a penny so he dressed up as uncle sam uh he dressed up as a cricket player on july the fourth one year of

course the first and last cricket in america so yeah exactly yeah uh apparently he used to climb up to the roof of the store and toss pennies into the crowd below you can get done for that yeah exactly so quirky character but uh anyway that that particular tradition, people really liked. They came to the store specifically to see him dressed as Santa and then that became a thing. And then, you know, all the Miracle of 34th Street style department stores in New York, they continued the tradition. Yeah, I guess once it's been proven commercial in one place, then everyone's going to want it. It's going to catch. But also wasn't his attitude like, it's so unfair that only people at the North Pole get to see Santa.

I want kids who can't travel there to be able to see Santa. Like a zoological society, bringing it to the people. Taxidermied Santa. I have talked briefly in previous years about Christmas in Wonderland starring Patrick Swayze and Carmen Electra, but I will just mention it again because there is forgotten there is no finer and by which I mean terrible movie about department store Santas although technically

this is the Edmonton Mall in Canada so it's mall Santas but anyway there is no finer movie about that than that and if you have the opportunity to watch it this year

on demand please take it is it a sexy film? it's the least everything film it's the least funny it's the least sexy it's the least intriguing

it's the least compelling least Christmassy? It's medium Christmassy. And the special effects are as bad as if you just asked any 14 year old in the street to draw you an elf on any computer program. And it's incredible.

I mean, I want to watch it again this year. You have to have a few drinks first, obviously, like everyone involved did. But it's definitely worth watching. Allow me to recommend, on Netflix the christmas chronicles starring kurt russell as santa is it based on the nigel slater book i'm guessing not kurt russell makes a delicious roast vegetable sandwich my wife makes amazing sausage toting the whole casserole with cranberries from that weird yeah but um yeah what what uh happens in it well a little girl uh catches santa on film delivering their presents so with her cynical teenage brother they accidentally get caught up

in santa's deliveries and hijinks ensue in chicago kurt russell playing santa is on a par with steve guttenberg in the bromley panto in 2007 i'm with you. It's a reference we all understand. He is living it up. He committed. I have already watched Home Alone 2 this year. The movie wasn't fresh in your memory when we last discussed it. I've never seen it, that's why. You've still never seen it?

No, why would I? It really is good, that's why. I'll tell you why. Does it have Peter Falk in it? No. It has half an hour of sustained extreme violence. That's what I don't like. I'm bad at watching violence.

And it's so extreme. Like, you forget. And you forget how long it goes on and how relentless it is. But it's extraordinary. I hated that about the first time I saw the movie. But this is like, I mean, staple gun to the nuts. It is horrific. I've seen Irreversible.

Bricks to the head. I don't want to have to watch this. Here's what happens, right? There's a scene to give motivation to both the burglars, the Annette burglars, to to new york and steal some money and also for kevin mcallister macaulay calkins character to stick around in new york even though he spent three days separated from his family and really he should call them and say he's alive um the motivation is he goes to a toy shop which is clearly fao schwartz but for some reason it isn't it's duncan's toy chest of course and he gets chatting to the slightly bizarre old bloke who's running the tills

and he's like oh take the turtle does because you're a good little boy is he like a kind of guardian angel type of character yeah like reassuring grandpa figure you know to a little boy lost in new york and he says uh every year, Mr. Duncan saves the money from the till and gives it to the little kiddies in the hospital down the road. And anyway... This is really unnerving. And then Kevin finds out that the burglars, Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern,

intend to steal from the tills on Christmas Eve, thereby taking all the kids' money. And as an adult you realize that the man who was behind the till is mr duncan the kind of old man is the big ceo corporate figure who runs the toy shop so it's like undercover boss yeah exactly he's talking about himself in third person like a twat yeah yeah yeah yeah anyway they then go there christmas eve to rob the tills i'm watching it and thinking why doesn't he take the money, the cash, out of the tills when the shop closes on Christmas Eve

and take it to the children's hospital then? Why does he leave it in the tills the store's presumably closed on Christmas Day until the 26th of December giving an apt opportunity for burglars to steal it? Maybe because he leaves work, goes straight to the bars, gets absolutely bollocked

and doesn't want the risk of having all that cash on him. I wake up in the morning and I can't remember who I am. Then I donate some money to the hospital. All those tattoos I didn't remember getting. Isn't it pretty common for even a small or medium-sized business to take the money out of the cash register and put it in a safe? Yes, exactly. If not a bank. Yes.

And just, I mean, look, I know that they, it's a completely improbable situation that has happened for a second Christmas running in the film anyway. But actually everything else in the film makes sense within its own universe. But that doesn't. I've got no one to write to. John Hughes is dead. I suppose if he didn't, and if he was more fiscally sensible, then you wouldn't have Home Alone 2. So that would be why.

Helen? Oliver? Though life is full of questions, there are answers you must know. One. No, it will not fall off But moderation in all things too Yes, there probably is But we won't find out in our lifetimes Three, most people prefer connery

But my personal favorite is Dalton Four, if you try and slip a one It would ruin your friendship this episode of answer me this is sponsored by bluffers guides from haynes publishing and if you like answer me this you know as in the delivery mechanic for bundles of facts you can deploy in everyday situations you enjoy acquiring information in a light-hearted way that is also fairly speedy then you'll probably like bluffers guides yes enough knowledge to be able to bluff your way through a dinner party or barroom

conversation about the subject of your choice christmas dinner with your boring uncle who loves golf yeah and you do not love golf but you can read bluffers guide to. Because it only took you a couple of hours because it's a slim volume. Yes. And it means you can have this polite conversation in order for him to leave everything to you in his will. You could arguably say it would be a great gift for everyone in the family who isn't your boring uncle who loves golf. And for him, you could get the Bluffer's Guide to Chocolate or Dogs. Finally, he'll know what a dog is and not only are there so many bluffers guides on lots of entertaining subjects available for your perusal and delight that you should check out at bluffers.com

all year round but also the haynes explains series which are parody books covering subjects like pensioners teenagers babies and more are on a secret santa deal on the haynes website just now everything is five pounds so if you have to buy a secret s deal on the Haynes website just now. Everything is five pounds. Fiver. So if you have to buy a secret Santa gift for someone, then many options and also easy to wrap because it's a book. All the Bluffer's Guides plus the Haynes Explained series available now for five pounds each at haynes.com slash Santa.

Well, let's continue bluffing our way through some of your questions. This is from Richard who says, Helen, answer me this, were Joseph and Mary, he doesn't give their surnames but i think we know given the time of the year to which he refers married yes but not at the time when she was impregnated by god they were betrothed but they had an open relationship no i mean that would be a free pass with the lord um they were betrothed which was like a formal engagement um included a ceremony and then the wedding would take place a year or even more later wow so it from they'd have been raging hot by then wouldn't they i think so imagine a year goes by and you're i mean she's

the virgin mary so let's not cast out but and you're waiting for a year but often people were betrothed when they were really young so it's kind of like a promise and then it was actually quite difficult to get out of this because the betrothal was official so you would have to pay your way out or something so apparently according to uh some scriptures when joseph found out that mary was pregnant he had to be convinced not to divorce her because the betrothal required a divorce but then he had a dream in which an angel told him to go ahead and marry her so they did get married during her pregnancy and some scholars deduce that they did this before traveling to bethlehem for the census as recounted in two of the gospels i mean he would have felt emasculated wouldn't he yeah he's waited a long time it's embarrassing pregnant with with

the lord's baby he's saying joseph isuck? I'm saying it's worse than just being normally cuckolded because actually you... How can you compete with God? Yeah, exactly. How big's his dick? It's infinite. Back in those days, it would have been quite a progressive attitude to say, well, she's a fallen woman, but I'm going to accompany her to have a baby.

That's a noble thing to do, to modernise. They both could have been stoned to death for premarital exchanges. Exactly, so difficult, right? Yeah, and especially if she had been showing at the time of marriage but when it's the lord's baby what can you do it's like well i i get the reasons but also i can't compete with the sexual experience with god okay i know they didn't actually do it it's not described those gospels don't particularly go into it don't particularly go into it two of the gospels don't talk about um jesus's birth at all i think it's just uh matthew and luke and and so you don't particularly go into it don't particularly go into it two of the gospels don't talk about um jesus's birth at all i think it's just uh matthew and luke and and so you don't hear that much about joseph at all but in the apocrypha i didn't know this joseph has been married before

and has several children before jesus and then some biblical interpreters have decided that mary remained a virgin after giving birth because basically they want her to be the only good woman in all of history to have never had sex and yet still be the mother of Jesus. Here's a festive conundrum from Andy from Oxford who says, every year at Christmas time, my old school friends and I go back to our hometown to spend the holiday with our families. It is a small town and there are only about 10 of us in our friendship group. Usually this results in raucous new year celebrations where we drink too much and reminisce about old times. Well that sounds fine, what's the problem? However, this year there is an ongoing argument between two members of our group,

Michael and Matthew. Okay. A few months ago matthew slept with michael's girlfriend all right i was ready for a complex conundrum but this sounds straightforward i understand why this would present an issue although michael and his girlfriend are still together michael and matthew have fallen out no shit and refused to meet with each other ollie asked me this what should my friends and i do about this situation how are we going to celebrate new years should we exclude them both no should we spend half the night with matthew and the other half with michael should we pick our favorite and spend all our time with them should we initiate divorce proceedings and determine who gets custody of which friends should we help to resolve their

dispute in the run-up to the new year yes inadvertently or should we trick them both into going out to celebrate with us get them drunk and hope that they will sort it out on their own? Yes, because people are emotionally intelligent when they're drunk aren't they? I think you have to face the facts Andy, that at some point it is likely that this may result in a tête-à-tête. Or a fighty-fight.

A fighty-fight. A hand-à-hand. A fist-a-tête. That's not your fault. I mean, I don't want to say whether it's not Matthew's fault, because it might be Matthew's fault. He did sleep don't want to say whether it's not matthew's fault because it might be matthew's fault he did sleep with michael's girlfriend but it takes two to fuck so maybe michael's girlfriend also had a part to play in that uh presumably consensual decision therefore yes but she and michael have clearly reached some kind of entente because michael might be able to reach a similar entente with matthew after all he's had to discuss it with

the woman that he has a relationship with. So I suppose what I'm saying is it will be uncomfortable. Brace yourself for it, but invite them both. Don't exclude them. Don't say it's awkward. Don't make any allowances.

Let them be adults. And if one of them chooses not to come because the other one's going to be there, if they don't sort it out this year, they'll probably sort it out next year. Okay, but just thinking about this from Michael's perspective, Michael has kept the relationship with his girlfriend going.

Presumably, the hostility with Matthew means that Michael and his girlfriend did not have an arrangement whereby it was okay within their relationship for her to sleep with Matthew. Sounds that way. Therefore, Michael has presumably either just denied this happened or he's decided that the value of keeping with his girlfriend is greater than the hurt she caused but evidently the value of keeping up with matthew is not but if the friends invite both they will be saying to michael we don't care about your hurt feelings and therefore he might want his friends to say you know what it matters to us that you were upset in this way okay

how about this is a compromise you invite them both to an event that starts out for argument's sake 7 p.m we're all meeting in the pub at 7 p.m but you actually say to michael look as you know the event starts at 7 this year we're all going to meet up however i'll be there from 6 let michael come and talk about it and he can decide whether to leave when matthew's going to arrive or not then Then it's up to him, isn't it? I think that's a bit late notice because if Michael's like, yeah, New Year's Eve with my pals, and then he's like, oh, fuck, like this is a real gut punch that's being delivered just hours before midnight. But it's a small town, Andy says.

I think you want to give him a little time to decide. Sure, sure, but it's a small town. They'll probably bump into each other. I mean, what happens at midnight in a town that's... I mean, Andy's from Oxford and says he's from a small town oxford's a small town let's assume that it's basically three pubs on a high street they're all going to go out and watch a firework or whatever happens and they'll all be on the same street anyway okay but i think he should be having these meetings with them prior to new year's eve they've got a few days meetings i mean you don't need like

legal clarification on it do you okay this would go against my usual advice of it which is not to send group emails without bccing but if you send a group email because it's like 10 friends which is about the upper limit for not bccing sure would this work on messenger as well just the same if you want a modern version sure or whatsapp but something where both matthew and michael are there it's kind of public you're not drawing attention to it but they have the option to know that each other is included sure ultimately i think i agree with you ollie that the party's concern should sort it out in their own time but i feel like you should include them in your invitations but just uh do so in a way that makes them understand that all of them are in on this

well you know what i always say helen if you're gonna have a shit time have it at christmas because there's already enough reasons to feel like you're not quite worthy of uh the lifestyle you'd like yippee great uh if you want a slightly less shit time at christmas perhaps you could listen to the answer me this christmas album oh yes all details are at answer me this podcast.com slash christmas you can buy it on amazon or on itunes if you like or answer me this store.com you know if you want to give us more money and it is the season of goodwill at answermethisstore.com. But we appreciate the convenience and it is also the season of convenience

where you buy things from huge corporations. And as well as our paid for content, we have lots of three things to put in your ears over the Christmas season. There's often a spike, isn't there, in listener downloads of podcasts over the Christmas season. Oh yeah, because people are anxious

to drown out their families. That's right. People get their brand new iPod Touch and their zooms the brand new walkmans uh and uh if uh one of our listeners was to want to put an extra podcast from martin in their ears what would you recommend oh they should listen to song by song uh i mean uh sam pay talk about every tom waits on chronological order does he have any Christmas songs? It's Christmas time. Plenty reason to be afraid of me. There's a song from Blue Valentine's

called Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis, which is very touch. Okay. You can find that at songbysongpodcast.com. And if they wanted some extra content from Helen Zaltzman, I'm sure you'd like to call it content. Content is certainly an emotion that I would like you to feel

listening to The Illusionist. There's you to feel listening to The Illusionist. There's some wonderful Christmas episodes of The Illusionist. This year's is about a guy who found 400 letters to Santa were delivered to his apartment in New York and he decided he had to answer them. So get the things they asked for. It's very sweet. You can find The Illusionist at theillusionist.org. And Oliver, you have a multitude of podcasts.

I do, but the one I would like to draw your attention to this month is The Modern Man, modern, M-A-N-N,.co.uk, which is my magazine programme, Sex, Trends and Amazing Life Stories. Recent interviews on there, a world specialist in prosopagnosia. Look how that falls off my tongue now. Prosopagnosia?

It's facial blindness. It's people who go around offending people all the time without realising it. I mean, what's's my excuse but they can't recognize other people's faces the man that mistook his hat for a wife his wife for a hat no but ironically often mistaken for the man who mistook that's that is a different kind of agnosia that is object agnosia but oliver sacks i learned in this episode himself suffered from prosopagnosia so didn't know the difference i did know that right well i learned it so you can learn it too and if you don't want to learn that kind of thing there's a really fun episode i also did recently with the quiz league of london

telling you how to win a game show wow yeah it's quite fun there's a woman who won 60 000 pounds on some shit show with ben shepherd and then got to take a year off work good for her yeah it's worth swatting up um and we will be back halfway through december with a retro episode of answer me this yeah it's gonna be one of our best ofs from the archive so well worth a listen even if you heard it first time around because it's got good bits in it yeah only the good bits we cut out the other bits that's right then we will be back with a fresh new answer me this on the first thursday of january which will also be our 12th birthday it will christ this show's a tween.

It is. If you would like to submit a question for that show, our contact details, as ever, are listed upon our website, answermethispodcast.com, where you can also follow links to find us on social media. But I would recommend not Skyping or phoning us because this month,

after all the trouble we've had with our phone line, it was appropriated by some Russian scamlords who used it to have group conversations whilst doing Twitch. And what could be more Christmassy than that? On which note, we say enjoy your holiday season

and the festive of cheer or whatever you say. The season of whatever, I'm tired. Bye!