Answer Me This! - retro AMT200

Episode Date: July 22, 2021

For our very last retro AMT, we returned to a favourite from December 2011: AMT200, where we enlisted our families to answer your questions. And, well, it's a novelty not to be embarrassed just by our own past selves this time. This episode originally appeared at . Episodes 1-200 are available at , where you can also get our six special albums. Tweet us Facebook Subscribe on Apple Podcasts Hear Helen Zaltzman's podcasts The Allusionist at and Veronica Mars Investigations at , Olly Mann's The Retrospectors, The Modern Mann and more at , and Martin Austwick's Song By Song at . This episode is sponsored by Squarespace. Want to build a website? Go to , and get a 10% discount on your first purchase of a website or domain with the code 'answer'.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

So this is the last ever Retro Answer Me This. I know. The parade of regret limps to a conclusion. The last ever parade of regret. Yeah, we could just do that, couldn't we, for an hour? Just talk about all the things we've regretted since 2007. Forgive me, Father. That being the case, we had lots of options.

We could have played out episode one. I know there are some of you who would have liked us to have done that no i had a facebook memory quite recently where evidently i'd had to re-listen to episode one for something probably for one of our previous landmark episodes where i was making a compilation or whatever yeah and uh it was excruciating to me however many years ago that was and i feel like my excruciation threshold is so much more tender now. So sorry, you're gonna have to buy them if you want to hear that. And I am sorry. Answer me this store.com. We could have done what many of you have requested over the years as well, which is play out all of our jingles in a big playlist. Oh, yeah, we should do that. The thing is, like hundreds of you have requested it, but I still think it's a niche of a niche. Like I don't

know how many of our normal audience want to hear an hour of jingles back to back with us commenting in between well it's also funny that Martin would often do like a riff on a young electro pop act that he was into at the time and then their career shortly afterwards would seem to evaporate he's the kiss of death yeah which is sad like the mercury music prize but when it came down to it, there was actually one episode that we've never replayed out on the feed since we made it in December 2011, which was the obvious one to play as our last ever Retro Otomy This, because it was also from a significant anniversary.

It was our 200th episode, and it's the one with all our family in it. Yeah, I thought, well, this is an all-time favourite. And then when I was listening to it, I was like, oh, it's not that comfortable to listen to. There are still uncomfortable moments. At least not entirely my fault this time. Yeah, and it's a bittersweet listen now, obviously, as well, because my dad is no longer with us.

He always said that Grandma Terry would outlive him, by the way. He used to call her the Terminator. Harsh. Partly because she had so many artificial limbs, you see, but also partly because she would just refuse to die. I'm glad she has refused to die. She's still with us. What a great woman.

And she is a great woman. And I think she's probably, I'd go as far to say the star of this episode, like not the funniest, but definitely the most comforting to listen to. She's an absolute dreamboat. Is her decor exactly the same as it was 10 years ago when we went? No, always evolving, Helen. My grandma is always, she used to work as an interior designer and she's always on trend. Wow.

I mean, as recently as three weeks ago, offered me her rug, which she only bought three years ago, for me to use as soundproofing for my studio because she's buying another one to match a new colour scheme. She's 94. Wow. I did think it would be interesting to do a kind of 7-Up style thing where like every few years we record with our family. So some of them would be no longer there and others of them would have been born, like your children have been born since this and are of talking age. And I think also ask them the same set of questions and see how their answers evolve

because I'm sure my nibblings who are aged between three and five when we recorded this would have quite different answers now that they are in their teens. Yeah, yeah, I'm sure they would. That's an interesting idea but I mean had we thought that far ahead then we would have chosen different questions, I think it's fair to say. Oh yes, maybe some more philosophical ones. Yeah, rather than just whatever happened to be in our email that month.

Yeah. But yeah, I mean your dad is in this too. And he is still with us, but he has Parkinson's. Well, he had Parkinson's then, but it's a degenerative disease, obviously. So I guess he sounds different now. He really does. It's a lot harder for him to speak now. And he has increasing dementia as well.

I'm glad to have some of his voice recorded. That's it, isn't it? Because it's not necessarily the best of the people that we've recorded here who are close to our hearts. You know, like when they're gone, you're not listening back thinking, yes, that's my dad's finest moment. It's more just, there's a particular quality

that someone brings out when you put a microphone in front of their face and they're not used to broadcasting, which is, it's them on their best behaviour in a way. like it's the version of themselves they want the world to hear but at the same time they're being caught slightly off guard you just don't really get it any other way like it's an incredible record to have of someone well you say that but i think actually the austwick family the sound fam seemed the most comfortable on mic yeah even though they had probably been faced with fewer mics in their time. Yes, that's true.

I wonder if it's because you and I were more relaxed there in their house because they're lower stakes for us, like Martin's family. You know, we're not on edge so much. Like there's a moment where my mum says, you're looking horrified, Oliver, which... Which moment would that have been? So many to choose from. Yeah, well, I must have just had like a sphincter tightened expression

the whole time we were there, really. I also remember that your mum, who is a splendid person and forever intriguing, delivers quite a strange choice of anecdote when a questionnaire asks for unusual holiday anecdotes. And I remember at the time we debated a lot amongst ourselves as to whether to include it because we didn't want to seem like we were like, oh, ha ha, this is a funny anecdote. Even at the time we were evolved enough not to do that. Yeah. I mean, extraordinarily listening to it now. Yeah. It's not just my mum. Like both my parents deliver as their comedy anecdote, essentially a story of sexual assault. Yes. And I think we kept it in because we were like, it's incredibly striking. That's what she chose as her answer to this question. Yeah, I mean, it's just it's not

us, is it? It's different when it's someone else saying it, isn't it? She did say it. And it is interesting that it's extraordinary that that was her answer to the question. Also, online dating amongst your parents generation, it would have come a long way since what your parents are saying about it nearly 10 years ago when it's still quite embarrassing you wouldn't tell anyone you'd done it yeah it's interesting to hear my mum decrying online dating because i'm gonna be careful about uh suggesting that she's available on any of the services online because uh some of you at the time that this episode came out 10 years ago called her a milf and she looks the same yeah we chat about her boobs a lot in this episode as well uh but she

is anyway uh you know someone who now dabbles in online dating to an extent. So that's interesting because her attitude was obviously not against, but dubious 10 years ago. I suppose she hadn't had occasion to try it. And now she has. I hope she's having a nice time with it. Also, the whole idea that someone might meet on World of Warcraft now seems like a really innocent way to meet a potential partner.

Yeah. Like now, if someone said that they met someone online, you'd sort of assume a casual hookup happened when you first. Yeah. My heart sank when we delivered a question onto my mother about veganism

and vegetarianism. Because she, while having the demeanour of a very rational person. Plucky scout mistress, I'd say. She has some wacky opinions. Wacky opinions. And it's odd because she eats a lot of vegetarian meals. And yet she doesn't seem to be able to square her own habits with whatever abiding principles she has. She says, and I didn't interrogate this at the time, she says, Helen was born old. Anything we said made no impression on her whatsoever. Do you think that's

true? No. Of course they made a lot of impression upon me, partly because they taught me everything that I knew until I went to school, and partly because I wouldn't have had a lifetime of body hatred had they not installed that in me from an age I was aware that I had my body.

Oh, good. Well, I'm glad we set the record straight. Thanks. Thanks, parents. Anyway, your dad's glad we set the record straight. Thanks, thanks parents. Anyway your dad's hilarious. Two zingers straight out the gate despite sounding a bit frail nonetheless hilarious. And Rick is also hilarious as well although again like you know I know what he's doing. I know he's doing a kind of Clarkson-esque thing isn't he where he's like saying things that he knows are outrageous but probably doesn't really believe but then we probably

included a few too many of them. Yeah I was surprised that he says stop being such a poof which he didn't mean specifically that someone was gay however it is still that connotation of gayness being a bad thing and i i don't think he had unpicked that at the time and i don't think he would say that now i certainly haven't noted him saying anything like that for years. But I also make sort of gay jokes with Martin's parents about Martin. Yes. Where everyone's surprised Martin wasn't gay. And I make the same reference, actually, with my dad, like at the moment where he realised that I wasn't gay.

And actually, yeah, it's not so much that any of the individual comments are unpermissible, it's the taken on mass I was listening to thinking, God, if I was gay, I'd think that this episode was a bit homophobic. I did not remember that being the case at the time certainly incredibly heteronormative and gender binary yeah yeah in many ways i think what it meant as well as like martin at the time martin was a teenager and in his early 20s things like men's garments in britain tended to be like incredibly like boring masculine and he liked where he had this like cream fluffy coat made out of fake fur he had this like satin shirt with orange patterns on it he really loved shiny things like diamante

and I guess people's expectations at the time were just so basic that maybe that's what I was talking about still I don't love that I said that I don't love that the kids and I are talking about like very gender binary wedding clothes nor would they now i don't think oh i'm pleased to report that since we recorded this episode my brother rick no longer works at microsoft he left uh did a master's degree and now he works in climate so really did turn it around you wouldn't have predicted that yeah i also had forgotten that he stood for local government uh for the conservatives and what happened was the lib dems sabotaged his campaign and put leaflets through everyone's door saying my brother used crack what and uh he only lost by a few dozen

votes so that probably helped him well literally just just lying about him yeah wow and he's a lot more socialist now i don't think he is uh pro tories yeah but if you're a slightly more socialist tory then you normally end up voting for the lib dems, don't you? But he's not going to do that, obviously, if they say that he takes crack. After what they've done. Where does he go? I think when he stood, Blair was still Prime Minister. So maybe at the time it was just like a kind of bit of edgelording standing for Tories.

Whereas now it's like, you know what you're standing for and it's the destruction of society. Nonetheless, it is basically a delightful episode, I think. Oh, yeah. We should thank our sponsors for this episode, Squarespace. And if you want to dive back into Answer Me This's first 200 episodes, they are available at answermethisstore.com, a site that Oli built himself with Squarespace,

because you can build a store there very easily with safe online payments. Yes, I saw an article actually that Squarespace collaborated on this week with Vox, which said that people make a decision about whether or not to buy products from a business within 15 seconds of looking at their website. And obviously design is a huge part of that, isn't it? And if you don't have the skills yourself to create an all-singing, all-dancing website, you don't need to get a web designer. You can do it yourself with Squarespace.

That 15-second test is passed even by using their most basic template, which is what I did on AnswerMeThisStore.com. It kind of, well, the stats prove it, Helen. People are prepared to buy our stuff from there. So they obviously trust us with their money because it looks nice. And because it's easy. Maybe the 15 seconds is if after 15 seconds, you can't even find the product you're looking for.

You're like, ah, forget it. Whereas yours is like a very straightforward proposition. What do I want? This? Get it. Done. And also very useful integrations with the payment services people actually want to use, like PayPal and Stripe.

That's good too. And you can try out Squarespace for yourself if you go to squarespace.com slash answer, there's a two week free trial for you. And if you want to then make that website into a permanent reality, you can get 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain if you go ahead and use our offer code answer. Well, in this episode, we mention some things such as a gallery of photos of us recording this with our families and a bumper app extra. And if you want to look and listen to those, I've put them on our website, answermethispodcast.com slash retro 200. 200 in numbers, not in written out in words.

A kinder suffix than gallery of month, which is what you used on the URL before. I just was a bad person in the past. And remember, you have until the end of July, so not very long now, to get your final ever questions in to Answer Me This, the ones you absolutely have to get off your chest before this whole enterprise closes for good. Send them in now via the contact details on our website, answermethispodcast.com. Yes, email or record voice memos. And after that, you're just gonna have to Google your questions. Where's the fun in that, huh? But now let us go back to December 2011 and visit our families in Retro Answer Me This 200. After 200 episodes, how come we're no wiser Answer me this Answer me this

Why do I still work with Helen Though I've come to despise her Answer me this Answer me this Helen and Ollie Answer me this Oh it's not true though is it It's not

It's just for comic effect That's right So long as we stay within The limitations of the court order Helen I'm pleased To be working in the same room as you. But anyway, episode 200. We've done it.

We're here. We're here. Wow. And you'd think we did despise each other by now. The 100th episode in mid-2009 feels like barely a blink of an eye away. And yet I remember on that day thinking, there is no way that we are getting to 200. I know.

We have confounded my expectations. And to think back then we were on the same bill as LaRue. Where's she now? Exactly. Where's her 200th album? Hurry up, LaRue. Well, it seems appropriate on such a momentous occasion to have an email from a man whose name is Magnum

and Magnum in Edinburgh who says, congratulations on reaching 200 episodes. Thank you, Magnum. Thank you. Which is the same number of episodes that were made of Beavis and Butthead. Wow. Oh, that's pretty cool.

Exactly 200. 200, yeah. Gosh. Although they've got their revival now, haven't they? Have they? So they've started doing more new ones, yeah. Oh, I used to love it when they used to talk about the videos and be silly about them.

But now what are they going to do on MTV? There aren't any videos, just episodes of scripted reality TV. Yeah, you've got a point. Well, apparently they do watch episodes of Jersey Shore or something and do a film review as well as doing the music videos. That's a good choice. Actually, it's a reasonable

comparison because we like to watch music videos as well, don't we? Yeah, and have a little talk around them. And it must be said that I do need TP for my bunghole. We're not both voiced by the same middle-aged man, though. Well, Magna also says that if we do another four episodes, apparently we will have beaten walker texas ranger oh gosh that's never a show that appealed to me because none of those words individually appeal to me never mind in combination 24 only had 192

episodes wimps uh frazier did 264 so that's my benchmark oh um lassie apparently had 588 oh who's still watching and yet bagpuss had about six. Here's where I stand on that, Helen. Right now, I would obviously rather watch a single episode of Bagpuss than Lassie. But I think I would rather watch 588 episodes of Lassie than Bagpuss. I think 588 episodes of Bagpuss would drive me clinically mad. But let's just say, listeners, thank you for sticking with us for some or all of these 200 episodes. Especially if you were there at the

beginning when we're a bit rubbish yes well in fact we had an email from somebody who was there at the beginning he was a child then he was 13 it was phil fieldhouse and then he disappeared we know not where to grow up puberty i should imagine you know that happens that often knocks out a lot of our audience we see them come and go like ships in the night and then they come back when they're disillusioned with life anyway he said answer me this ollie why did i ever stop posting you questions oh why did i ever stop listening to your good solid banter why did i decide to do well at school rather than getting stoned and chilling out listening to the upbeat sound of your voices and the dreamy tones of martin the sound man is that what our listeners? Do they get wrecked and listen to Answer Me This?

Are we like the Pink Floyd of the noughties? He says, I must apologise for not being in contact with you guys for so long. Many thanks from a distant friend, Phil, who was once 13 but is now 18 and getting slightly emotional at the thought of being reunited with Answer Me This. That is an extraordinary thing, isn't it? That someone who started listening to us when they're 13 is now 18. I realise it's just the passage of being reunited with Answer Me This. That is an extraordinary thing, isn't it? That someone who started listening to us when they're 13 is now 18.

I realise it's just the passage of time. I realise that's what happens when you've been doing this as long as we have. Yes, I mean, when we started this show, listeners, in January 2007, I had a young person's rail card, a gallbladder and a boyfriend. I've got many of those things now. But enough of these misty watercoloured memories because we promised you special guests in episode 200. We did not lie.

You're going to love this. Do you want to hear who they are? Yes, please. Hello, I'm Karen and I'm Ollie's mum. Hello, I'm Stanley and I'm also Ollie's dad. Hello, I'm Alison Zaltzman, Helen's mother. Hello, I'm Helen Zaltzman's father, Zach Zaltzman. Hi, I'm Dave and I'm Martin's dad. I'm Val, I'm Martin Zaltzman's father, Zach Zaltzman. Hi, I'm Dave and I'm Martin's dad.

I'm Val, I'm Martin's mum. I'm Kate, I'm Martin's sister. Oh yes, forget Josie Long, forget John Ronson, these are the biggest guests we've ever had on Answer Me This. Our parents, we were begged, we were begged to go to Hollywood to do a special edition from there. Rupert Murdoch said he'd pay us a million dollars to do answer me this 200 on his yacht jack nicholson was crushed he had a lot of funnies prepared we said no we've got previous engagements in sussex stanmore and

wolverhampton and we didn't just meet our parents we met other people as well listening so stay tuned let the episode 200 special parental guesty fun commence. And for this section of the show we are in the Zaltzman family pile. I'm here in the heart, I was going to say the heart of Sussex, we're on the borders actually. Right on the edge, about 50 yards from Kent. And who should we have here but they're famous from the show, if you're a regular listener you'll know their names. It's Alison and Zach Zaltzman.

Thank you very much. And Juniper the dog, who is still alive despite predictions last week that she was going to die for Helen's wedding. Here's an easy question to start off with. It's from Simon from Wimbledon, and he says, Answer me this. Why are there so many shit hotels in Eastbourne? Well, it's good having them all in the same place.

You've never been tempted to pop down there for a little holiday? No, no, they're not shit enough. Here's one for Mother. It's from an anonymous person. My entire family, my mother, brothers, and I were vegan until I was 14. But a few months after I turned 14, we decided to become vegetarian, which was a big moral decision for all of us. I was very reluctant at first, but now I have no problem with eating vegetarian products. And recently I started eating meat dishes in the canteen at school. But I haven't told my family family I'm terrified of what they will say so mother answer me this what should I do face the shame of being honest as I'm not that good at lying and may eventually slip up

or deal with the constant guilt don't be guilty you'll be by far the healthiest best looking most well-adjusted person in your family are you saying vegans are ugly i think that is what she's saying she's gonna back out good balanced diet will mean you'll have a clear skin bright eyes good brain and you won't have all the troubles of trying to find a restaurant when you're out with friends that serves vegan food that's true isn't it but how would you broach that with your family because of course dad had to at some point intimate that he was no longer keeping kosher to his mother how did that go down he lied about it for years and years okay so this person should carry on lying forever i think when you reach the age of maturity at 18 you just come

out and say well you have your opinion i have mine and i'm going to eat meat but i won't eat it in your house what was the the non-kosher food that turned you, Zach, first of all? Was it bacon? I wouldn't comment on that. Your mother's not going to hear this. She's not got the internet. Purely due to there not being anything else to eat, I was either starved to death or eat non-kosher food. Where were you where there was nothing to eat but pork? I was in Canada.

When I first took Zach home to meet my parents, who were a bit sorry that I was marrying somebody of a completely different faith and they had an idea it would be a problem. Well, my mother said to him, what would you like for breakfast? And when he said bacon and eggs would be nice, she felt a great deal better about it. Mum, here's another question for you. It's from Tigger from brighton

who says two years ago arthur asked me out and i also have to say at the time he was a bit of a whelk brackets a clammy old fish that has no purpose close brackets and he sent me a message and i never said no or yes i just didn't reply because as i said he was a whelk this is a child really fair so we're asking you because you have experience of children having worked in secondary schools for a long time now i recently saw him and he's very very very very very fit so answer me this is it wrong to ask arthur out after having ignored him i think you probably pretend you never got the email originally as you ignored it he'll never know and you can show tremendous pleasure at being in his company and say you were so upset when you hadn't heard from him the first time. And with a bit of luck, you'll soften his heart and he'll take you out.

You must have seen this happen, though, in your career as a teacher many times, that kids go away for the summer and then blossom and come back being suddenly sort of like in Greece or something, suddenly become studs in the playground. And the girls come back with their skirts a lot shorter than they ought to be and the boys come back knowing full well that the girls will now sit next to them. Can you confirm that it is in fact possible, even if previously, as this person Arthur seems to have been,

you've perceived as a bit of a dog, it is possible to turn yourself around? Absolutely. It happens every long summer holidays. There you are, so have faith. You've mentioned before that a meat diet would be useful to look your best. What other tips do you think, having observed the kids that come back looking like teenage studs, what do you think is the best way for them to prepare?

I think for the boys they certainly need to get some fresh air and get off their Xboxes and things and get out in the fresh air so they don't look as though they've come out from under a rock. Okay. And for the girls? And for the girls... Just let nature take its course? Scrape the paint off your face and let the real you shine through. So meaty diet, go outside, no cosmetics.

Some cosmetics. It's quite austere. Now, we've got a question that is about marriage now and the intimacy of marriage. It's from Sean in Portland, Oregon, although he specifies not an American. He says, I've been married to my wife for just over six months. So we're looking for the wisdom here of a marriage. How long have you been married?

41 years. 41 years. So, okay, they've got 40 and a half years on you, Sean. And Sean says, we generally have an open and honest relationship, but today we got into an argument about one area of my life I refuse to share with her.

She will happily strain out a steaming crap with the door open and the cat and I looking on at the whole smelly process, but she's never seen me take a dump in our entire relationship. She says this means I don't fully trust her, but I just can't defecate with anyone else present, including my spouse. She's tried to burst in on me several times when she thinks she'll catch me in the act. This is really weird. But I've thus far managed to thwart her attempts.

So, Zach and Alison, answer me this. Does my aversion to sharing my toilet sessions with my wife mean I don't really trust her? Am I right to get angry when she tries to burst in on me? And is it normal for other couples to accompany each other to the toilet? Well, having been married 41 years, I can't talk about other couples. But by gosh, I have locks on my doors. Got to keep some mystery in the relationship, right? And if I was him, I would put at least two bolts on the bathroom door and make sure they are shut.

So how should he resolve the trust issue that she's created? I think he probably could inform her that is a perversion to expect to see somebody 24 hours a day in all shapes and doesn't it rather take the romance out of your

vision of a person if you've spent intimate time sharing a toilet? There are plenty of other ways to kill romance over 41 years, aren't there? Yes. Zach, how would you feel if you walked past the bathroom and Alison was in there in the toilet with the door open? Would you comment on it? Would you find it weird?

I would say I wish we had a second toilet. Having recently been in hospital where you are, by the nature of it, in close proximity to other people while they're doing their ablutions. I can only imagine that made you fall in love with them, no? Wonderful, to get home and have a daughter-in-law. Now, Zach, Helen has mentioned before, I'm afraid, on the podcast, that you do like to wee outside a lot. Yes, this reinforces the ecological balance in our garden.

So it's very important that I get out there summer or winter, rain or snow or sunshine and do the necessary. So this is the 200th episode of our show. When did Helen first tell you that we were doing this podcast? What were your initial reactions and what do you think about the fact that we're doing this for free for five years? Total indifference to

all of those questions. I thought she's following in her father's footsteps, doing something that will never make any money. When it comes to the public perception of Helen, that she's very sharp, very intelligent, kind of loyal, but quite pedantic as well. And I'm being polite there because I'm in front of her parents.

I'd say very pedantic. Does that line up with how you perceived her as a child? Yes. And as an adult. Was she broadcasting sort of from the womb? Helen was born old. She always knew her own mind. Did she turn into the young Brad Pitt at 52

or is that a different film? Always argued her case, always knew what she wanted. And to be honest, I don't think we brought her up. I think she brought herself up and anything we said made absolutely no impression on her whatsoever. And Helen was never going to be shoehorned into anything

that other people thought was normal. Well, I think you've acquitted yourself very well, especially, Dad, you who've never listened to the podcast, as far as I can tell. No, I haven't yet. I have to confess. How did it strike you, the whole experience? It was okay Christmas is coming Have you been good

What do you want from Santa A little border collie A book of Where's Wally A lifetime supply of Fanta How about 40 hours Of your favourite podcast If your favourite podcast is this one? Cos for 79 pence each, you can buy our first 80 episodes.

Perfect for your mum. Go to answermethispodcast.com slash classic for this festive cheer. And your PayPal payment will help fund our show. Well into the shiny new year. Shiny new year, shiny new year. Though according to the Mayansans it'll be our last. So retrospectives, what historical events are we ticking off on this week's run of Today in History?

On Monday, we bring you the real story of the mutiny on the bounty. On Tuesday, the anniversary of the day somebody invented the meatball, but who? On Wednesday, the iconic British car that ripped off an iconic American car. On Thursday, how American airlines invented air miles. And on Friday, the UFO sighting that gripped colonial America. We discuss this and more on Today in History with The Retrospectors. Ten minutes each weekday, wherever you get your podcasts. I'm very excited to be in the depths of Hertfordshire at Ollie's father's place of work,

which is full of incredible vintage cars. And I'm with Ollie's parents, Karen and Stanley. Thank you very much for celebrating our 200th episode with us in this way thank you for having us uh here's a question for Stanley from Phil from Treorchi who says answer me this why are pepper mills in Italian restaurants so big like the only way I can answer that is look at the waiter that's turning the pepper mill. And he's also dreaming. Dreaming something else that might have to do that with... To me, it tells me that they have to lean over several people to administer the pepper

and it gives them greater reach. I think it's about fishing for tips, actually. I think it looks like they're doing something that's involving a lot more effort than if they just passed you some pepper. Why is it that in a restaurant you manage to pick up your own knife and fork you manage to cut your own food up but somebody has to come on and spray a powder over it to make you sneeze why why just pepper why don't they do anything else tradition i don't even like bloody pepper right and every time i go to a restaurant, they'll be with some pepper. Why? That's not Italian accent.

It's a Polish-Italian accent. Because they're all bloody Polish in our restaurants. Hello, darling, I'm going to put some pepper on your meal. Yeah, lovely. What would you like them to come and sprinkle on your food instead? Nothing. Nothing. Well, you just said you'd like something else. Tabasco, mayonnaise.

Must be 101 things you could ask for, isn't it? Mustards. Mustard would be nice. That'd be fun, yes. Would you like some mustard? They neverco, mayonnaise? There must be 101 things you could ask for, isn't there? Mustards. Mustards would be nice. That'd be fun, yes. Would you like some mustard? They never ask you that. Stanley, as I should call you in this official setting, you've been to a lot of auctions in your life. And this is a question from Luke in Ipswich about auctions. So we thought you'd be the guy to answer this. He says

we've all seen the scene in the movies. A guy is at an auction and has an involuntary muscle spasm. But as it turns out he just accidentally bid 40 grand on a 15th century doghouse so stanley answer me this if you inadvertently bid on an item in an auction are you legally obliged to pay or can you get out of it well many years ago i sold a car at auction and the guy put his hand up carried on bidding when it got almost to the end he bid again on a sneeze and the auctioneer that's when i got the auctioneer dropped the hammer and said thank you car sold wow and i

went up to the guy afterwards i said well what happened he said i sneezed when you tell him he didn't want it he said i've got all my friends here i was too embarrassed here's another question for you from jules from Telford, who said, a few years ago, we visited our friends Mary and Jay in Miami. During our visit, we went to see where Jay worked and got to see him in action. Jay is a mortician and we saw him embalming a 112-year-old woman. So, Stanley and Karen, please answer me this. What is the weirdest thing that you've ever done on holiday?

It was in Australia and I had volunteered to take a group of Down Syndrome people out and one of them went missing. That's not a holiday, that's a tabloid scandal. No, no, well it was a scandal. It turned out actually that she'd actually, someone had taken advantage of her and she had actually received some money for Jiggy Jiggy Right, well that is an unusual holiday

I think we cap that I haven't got anything like that I've got nothing like that You were on skis, drunk Oh no, that's not fair I was arrested on skis, that is true When was that? I was in Kitsball about 25 years ago

and I went down this run that started at the top of the mountain and I noticed all the way down the mountain these huts and I wondered what they were and they're little cabins. You go into the cabin and they have Grubwein, which is a nice warming wine. Tell me about it. So by the time I got to the bottom of this run, I was well and truly settled

and finished up actually in the road, still on the skis, because it was going straight into the road, where I then got arrested. There was also, when I was a kid, you sold a car to Tom Selleck. And we went to California and saw Tom Selleck. That's a pretty cool thing to do on a holiday. And he came to Hertfordshire.

Radlet. Yeah. And what's-her-face was there and tried to grab your boobs. Dean Martin. Oh, yes, yes. Dean Martin tried to grope you? Yes. That's an unusual thing to happen on a holiday, I would say. It doesn't happen every day, no.

I don't want to name drop, but it was Jay Leno that actually took us to this Italian restaurant and Dean Martin was sitting on the corner and he got up and he looked at Karen, who is quite well endowed in the frontal area, and went, hello, and grabbed her boobs. That's very forward. And Jay said to me, he's got a bit, and I said,

well, he hasn't gone in that department, has he? Things were on a romantic sort of subject. Here's a question from Tom, who says, I met my girlfriend via the online game World of Warcraft. I imagine that's something that you're not that familiar with. My husband played it for a few months, sadly,

and it seems to involve walking through digital forests with people dressed as wizards and stuff. Well, Tom says, it was a typical elf meets gnome love at first sight story, and she moved all the way from America to Jersey in the Channel Islands to be with me. But even after three years, I'm still struggling with telling people how we met.

A lot of people, for example, my parents and grandparents, don't even know what World of Warcraft is. And even if people do know what it is, they still look at me like I may be a serial killer when I tell them how we met. So Karen and Stanley answer me this. What should I tell people about how we met? Should I persevere with the truth or make something up?

And if you think I should make something up, any suggestions? Tell the truth. Is this a game that is a game so that you can meet people of the opposite sex, so to speak? I think most of the people that play it are men or children, so I don't think that's his intention. Okay, so it's a paedophile game. But that's less embarrassing than actually putting an ad out, you know, so-and-so looking for so-and-so.

No, that's interesting, isn't it? Because that's a generational thing, I think. I think in our generation, the stigma now of online dating has gone. But do you still think it's a bit of a taboo thing to do? Yes. Never got to try it. Why don't they just say they met online dating then? Yeah, exactly.

Why don't they say that? Would you judge someone who's met online dating? Would you think that's a weird thing? I wouldn't say. It's not a judgment. I mean, I know three people who have actually married in that way, but they don't admit it. What do they say happened then, if not online dating?

Met through a friend. But they're sort of our age. As you say, I think it is a generational thing, yes. There are three basic uses of a computer. The first one is pornography. The first one is pornography. The second one is pornography. And the third one is how to meet somebody without actually meeting them. And that's what this is.

The other uses of computers and internets fall by the wayside. You know you're on the podcast, right? Of course I do. Anything else that you use it for is nonsense. So how did the two of you meet? There weren't any porn sites exactly so you must have had to recourse to some other method she lived in the same area i was actually married to someone else and he kept saying are you still married are you still

married are you still married and one day i said well actually no i'm not was that true at the time oh yes yes oh good oh yes i'm yes well it's true yeah so he maintained he'd waited a long time but i mean in that weight i don't think he'd sort of literally waited other things to amuse me why are you looking horrified oliver i've actually got a question for you karen and stanley uh in the podcast uh which you've both listened to unlike my parents uh Ollie tends to be quite open about his personal life has he ever revealed too much yes in your mind yes what are the things you wish Ollie had self-censored about last week what happened in the library I sort of was thinking I don't think I can discuss this with Oliver actually the wanking in the St Andrews Library? Yes. But that wasn't about me.

That was someone... Golly, he's never been to St Andrews Library. No, but Helen said something like, I don't want to hear about your... Angle of ejaculate. Angle of ejaculate. Yeah, but that was, again, speculative. That wasn't... I didn't reveal the truth.

I was cutting off lines of inquiry before they even began. It was a precaution. And what about the way that I present you and my relationship with you in the podcast? Is there anything that you'd like to correct about my portrayal of you? I wouldn't correct anything. I love freedom of speech.

I don't always get it at home because she's been hit with something. Are you surprised that Oliver has taken this path in life? Because from the sounds of what he's talked about in his childhood of making tapes and little plays, it seems like quite a natural progression for him to be doing this sort of line of work. We never doubted it

for a second. Since the age of three, I don't think he's changed. Never stops talking. This is the line he was going to go. And he didn't talk to us too, and then that too, these long sentences came out. Then he didn't stop. And always been interested in broadcasting, and I recently found a little card that said

was it journalism beyond compare? That was my business card when I was it journalism beyond compare that was my business card when I was 14 you made your own business card yeah it was very important when you're

a school journalist to get the best interviews with the deputy head you were very enterprising yes and there was another character

called domino that he used to become my stage alter ego of course but no we definitely knew it was going to go you must have

assumed I was gay when I said my stage alter ego was domino he thought pointing at dad no I just I just waited to see a picture We definitely knew it was going to go wrong. You must have assumed I was gay when I said my stage alter ego was Domino. He thought. Pointing at Dad. No, I just waited to see a picture of the first girlfriend.

I mean, he didn't want you to do ballet. No, I remember very specifically a moment where you came into my room when I was 16 and were relieved to see that there were photos of Pamela Anderson on the inside of my cupboard. Yeah, even plastic was acceptable, yeah. Did you think when we started doing this podcast, we'd be doing it for five years? What did you think when I first told you about it? What did you think? I didn't get it in the beginning, yes. Did you think when we started doing this podcast, we'd be doing it for five years? What did you think when I first told you about it? What did you think? I didn't get it in the beginning, personally. I didn't quite understand, and it took a few.

And then when I did get it, I thought, yay! And I did think, yeah, I thought, go on for ages. I was disappointed at first, and then I found there was a sound button on the computer and managed to turn it on. And then I thought, this is really good. It was just this line moving across the screen, and then it out and somebody said you haven't turned the speaker on i said what's that so now i've got into it yeah i think it's really good yes so ollie how did it feel

effectively putting your parents in the position you've chosen to put yourself in every week in this podcast do you feel like they rose to the task do you think they revealed maybe too much about themselves i thought it was quite funny that the one time i invited my parents on the show they do slightly offensive polish accents and tell stories about the abuse of disabled children for i think i was just completely off piste and i had no idea that my family have such strangely strong feelings about vegans can i just say to any vegans listening i'm a fan of veganism and i do not agree that vegans are worse looking i've met some very hot vegans does your mum's slightly um straight lace pull up your socks type attitude as evidence there is that typical of the allison zaltzman that

you grew up with good lord yes is it what you heard listeners is very much what you get if you are keen to fit faces to voices we have put pictures up of our parents on our website. Oh, it's a hell of a post this week. Yes, it's bumper, as befits the landmark episode 200. So if you want to see a picture of Helen's dad holding a microphone like he's not sure exactly what kind of foreign object he has in his hand. What kind of tree could I cut down with this? Then you should head over to see that.

Now, we'll be hearing, Martin, from your parents later as well. Yes. But before we get to that, we also met some other members of the Mann and Zaltzman clan from the most senior to the most junior. I'm very pleased to say that we're here in Stanmore in the magnificently appointed flat of Ollie's grandmother, Terry. Thank you very much for having us.

You're very welcome. What a marvellous grandson you've produced. Yeah, well, I like him a bit. I'm a bit prejudiced. Oh. And this is an incredible flat and everything is very perfect. And especially the bathroom, I thought, because there's soap with her name Terry printed on it. What are Grandma Terry's golden rules of interior design?

Well, I try to think of a colour scheme. And it's a question of blending all the things together. You can't really do one without another. Are you listening, Shoreditch, with the junk shops? You can't just mix and match. They all need to coordinate. It's concept it's a colored concept to get a really good result here's a nostalgic question now from molly who says grandma terry answer me this if you could live one day of your life forever which would it be oh my goodness there's a few you see. I think my first wonderful experience was, I'd been married for one year and I had never ever been abroad.

And my husband said to me, we're going to Switzerland. We couldn't afford to go by air so we went by train and I remember when we reached Bale that the scenery was breathtaking. It's definitely one up on Essex isn't it which is where you were living. It was so beautiful and at night I remember the little chalets were all lit up and the lights were reflecting on the lake and I thought it was I thought I was in fairyland I had never seen anything quite so beautiful before now that sounds very picturesque and I completely get that thing of never having been abroad before but really you're saying you'd spend the rest of your life in Switzerland or on a train to

Switzerland I mean after day five of Switzerland you'd wish you'd have chosen Miami, surely? Possibly, because I do like America better. This is another kind of nostalgia question, I suppose, but you can broaden it out to the modern day as well. It's from Finn from Shaftesbury, who says, Grandma Terry, answer me this. Which celebrities would you invite to a dinner party? Mine would be Jesus, Pac-Man and Winston Churchill. Amanda Sante. Fill us in. We're both looking blankly. Yes. Armando Asante is an Italian actor.

He was in a series called Napoleon. And he gets a bit of a Terry Tingle, does he? He's a terrific actor. Is he available? He's very nice. I don't know. I should think he's got quite a lot of lady friends after him

who else oh dear dear dear dear I think you're allowed fictional people as well seeing as Finn from Shaftesbury

has gone for Pac-Man and also Jesus Moses would be quite interesting yeah nice long conversation with him

certainly had a very colourful life didn't he yes now you're thinking of Joseph in his coat ha ha ha. And, um... Like Sinatra, you like, don't you?

I do like Sinatra, yes. Yes. It's a good party of gentlemen. A lot of crumpet there for you, Terry. Here's another question for you from Matty, who says, I'm a single gay guy living in Toronto. I'm going on dates quite often, but recently I've met someone that I believe makes

quite a bit more than me he's a doctor I think he's quite a nice guy but I've noticed that he has expensive taste i.e expensive clothes dates to musicals in the best seats in the house art galleries the best reviewed places to eat I always try to pay my share on a date but I'm also trying to live within my means so grandma Terry answer me this how do I tell him that I would love to keep going on these wonderful dates but only if he is willing to pay for the date in full or do I now request that we should only do free stuff well that is rather difficult but I do feel that as he's very, very keen on this friend of his, if he puts it very tactfully, I think the friend will accept it.

I think if he says we should go everything free, I've got a feeling the friend wouldn't be so happy with that situation. Perhaps they could alternate. So maybe one day Matty chooses the date or cooks the guy dinner. Yes. Rather than always going out to these places Matty can't afford. well as long as his friend is in agreement with that i think that's a wonderful idea yeah but how do you tell someone that you're trying to be romantically involved with that you want them to pay for stuff how do you approach that subject well very subtly

what would be terry's top tip i flash the pearly whites that's going on now i really i really like you so much and i would hate not to be friendly with you anymore but there is this thing that i can't keep up with your lifestyle wow that's good you've got me reaching into my pocket already from my wallet what's an example of a bad date now at your stage of life what's what's the date where you think oh your lifestyle. Wow, that's good. You've got me reaching into my pocket already. What's an example of a bad date now at your stage of life? What's a date where you think, oh God, I can't believe he wants to go there? Parachuting.

I think I'm a little bit beyond parachuting right now. A bad date. Well, I suppose if he said, would you like to come on my motorbike, for instance, I think my heart would sink. But if he said, oh, let's go to a dinner dance, I'd be over the moon. I'd love that. What if your dream man calls you up and says, Terry, I want to take you out dinner dancing, but I want to go there on my motorbike. What do you do then?

Refuse. Really? The motorbike thing's that strong? That would be it. I'll meet you there. I'll meet you there. I'll meet you there. Well, Terry, I can't imagine you doing anything as vulgar as what is being suggested in this next question. Michael here from the Liverpool Street area of London, currently. I'll surely be travelling home and I'm thinking about getting a McDonald's. Please answer me this. What time in the evening does it become reasonable to eat a mcdonald's on the train

well from my own point of view i would say no there isn't any time of day you should be eating mcdonald's on the train do you think any public eating on trains is it's horrible no i don't i i i personally would never do it um and i i think it's bad taste to do it and also hot food is making a smell for everybody else not to enjoy exactly yes social etiquette is going out the window i'm afraid i mean imagine i mean there was a time when a gentleman would open the door for a lady he would put the seat back so that the lady could sit down first. You don't often see that today. Sometimes you do. That's the fault of women's lib.

Yes, possibly it is. I agree. I would say that this question suggests that the man is maybe going back home from work quite late, maybe after a few drinks. And after maybe 10 o'clock, you do see quite a lot of people on their way home from the pub after work eating on the train because they've left it too late to have a proper supper at home well that's part of their lifestyle and if they're that hungry we have to eat i suppose

bad planning isn't it you'd never get caught out with that grandma always has in her handbag some wine gums at the very least don't you something? Something. Or a chocolate eclair. Oh no, not an eclair. The little one, the Cadbury's one. It's not a big, I don't mean a massive... Oh, not a cream cake. You mean the eclair chaffers? Yeah. Yes, maybe. Yeah, I mean they're an essential. Just a kiwi going. Very good idea. That's right, yeah. Travel card,

rape alarm, chocolate eclairs. Rape alarm. Just to scare people a bit. That's right. That's what she does when she sees someone eating a Big Mac My name is Isabel and I'm five and a half My name's Matilda and I'm four and three quarters My name's Monty and I'm four Oh, it's the nine three

A, B, C, D. OK, kiddies, here's a question from Claudia in Australia who says, answer me this, do horses spit? No. Never? No. What if they've got a mouthful of spit and they need to get rid of it, what do they do?

They drink it. Here's a question from Ben who says, answer me this, I have a friend who's been ill recently. Do you have any suggestions to cheer her up? Medicine. Well, I like watching loads of TV and tear life all asleep. And what's the best thing to eat when you're ill? Um, healthy stuff.

Like what? Ice cream? No. Broccoli and carrots and... Ham? Hamage? And healthy stuff. A banana! No.

Hi, this is Amy from Watlington in Oxfordshire. Answer me this. I'm getting married next summer and we're trying to plan an amazing, memorable day for our guests. In your opinions, what makes a good wedding? A dress. A dress. Do you need anything to eat or drink? No. Just a dress? Right. Yeah. No, not right. Auntie Helen, he really, really actually means, he means we need drinks and stuff and some nice music and nice food what's the best food well cakes and cakes and um drinks and nice stuff what should people wear

dresses and stuff should all the men wear dresses? No. The men wear nice, smart black suits. Black suits? That's like a funeral. Well, this is a big moment for all of us because we are here with Martin's family. Hooray! Yippee! In order there, you could hear Martin's sister Kate,

Martin's dad Dave, and Martin's mother Val. Dave you used to be a caterer for many years so maybe you can answer this question from Emily from Plymouth who says I recently bought vanilla extract using the self-service checkout in my local shop. The machine decided it needed to ID me because it contains alcohol. So Dave answer me this, can you get drunk by drinking vanilla extract? Only if you can buy it by the gallon. There is a tiny amount of alcohol used in extracting the vanilla flavourings from the vanilla.

Simple as that. And it would be a pretty horrific way to get drunk, wouldn't it? It would be vile. Worse than cough medicine. And you would be ill for days. Sounds a lot like Malibu. Flavour and consequence, I would say. It's much more expensive than Malibu,

I should think, though. What's the weirdest fluid you've ever got drunk on, Dave? Gin with blackcurrant cordial. Oh, that sounds quite nice. Sounds very summery. But not a gallon's worth. That sounds like a sort of

homemade slow gin. No, no, no. And the next day wasn't very nice either bit purple indeed i came home to a very brown worktop when uh paul had some friends over for a stag do and i said what have you been drinking and he said malibu and barbecue sauce that must have been some sort of challenge though right not just for the flavor surely i don't know but i know there was a bit of splash back on one of our wardrobes as well from the middle of the night so it's just a horrendous mess well seeing as we're on the subject of booze here's a question from matthew from the wirral who says at half three in the

morning i received a drunk phone call off my ex-girlfriend saying that she should put our silly breakup behind us and we should meet up as she cannot bear us being not friends over Christmas. We went out for four and a half years before she broke up with me in March because she cheated on me and wanted to go out with that guy. I spent a few months trying to be her friend whilst getting really depressed before realising it was doing me no good. So we stopped contacting each other. So answer me this, sound family, should I give her the time of day after all she's put me through? Oh, I'd just send a message saying,

oh, no, you drunken bitch, I don't want to know you. You had your chance. You had your chance. You missed it. Goodbye. I'm a bit concerned she thinks that bloke doesn't buy such good Christmas presents as you Steve Take the notice of the cynics Matthew follow your heart

The fact that he's written to us with this email does show that he is a bit torn isn't he? He might want to say no but I mean his heart probably is saying yes or something's saying yes Sam family are there any of Martin's previous liaisons that you'd quite like him to hook back up with in preference to Helen? Oi I'm right here I thought he just lived with men the whole time.

I don't know about any girls. Everyone was really surprised when Martin turned out to be straight. Not least my family. Were you aware of Martin having any little crushes when he was younger? When he was about 12 months old, we were... He really started early, didn't he? Yeah, he did. We were in a pub and a very glamorous waitress passed

and I thought Martin's head was going to fall off his shoulders as he followed her. But then after the physics took over, you thought, well, that's the end of all that ladies' man business. Yes, agreed. Well, here's another question on an unpalatable subject. It's from Danny from Bath who says, I've been looking for new books to read

and I checked out the biography section to see if there's anyone interesting that I may want to read about and I noticed that so many

of these books are about child abuse and general misery. So Sound Family, answer me this, who pays to read these? Not us. You've never been tempted

to buy a child called It or similar? I have read that, actually, Helen. Why? What possessed you? It was when I was doing my A-levels and somebody said, oh, you must read this, you must read it. And you sit there, turning every page, thinking,

I've just got to stop really reading this. But you just keep going, hoping the end is cheerful. I think a lot of it is voyeurism, and it's very sad, isn't it? Val, do you have any vices in this regard? Are there any sort of women's mags or daytime TV shows? Come on, be honest, there must be something. Yeah, I watch Neighbours. I mean, me a culprit.

Oh, well, it's always honey and Neighbours, that's different. Yeah, I do too, but it's not miserable like, say, EastEnders is. No, and any misery is very brief. You can guarantee any misery lasts no more than three weeks and that's an up thing, isn't it? I know. Susan Kennedy had the theoretically incurable disease MS. And now she's fine.

That's right, yes. And they have comedy plot about pets instead. I like Toadie. And if Toadie ever leaves, then I shall stop watching. That's a real surprise to me. I didn't think there was anyone that liked Toadie. I was wondering, what's he doing still in there? You like him as well.

He's lost all that weight. He's doing so well. Is he the one with the ponytail who's a lawyer or something? No ponytail anymore, Martin. He's grown up. But would you buy Toadie's album if he did a Delta Goodrum? You said you were fans. Would you go and see him in panto?

I'd buy his hair products. He's never actually done panto, has he? I don't think he's left Erinsborough. And we have to be finished soon because Dave and Val are going to a panto. What panto is this? And what made you make that decision? We're going to see the Three Musketeers.

Wow, that's an unconventional panto story. That's an adventurous panto choice. And we're going to Kate and Paul's church to watch it. And they're going because I bought the tickets and then they couldn't get out of it and Dad looks horrified by the whole situation. Do you like Pantos though, Dad? I remember you taking us when we were kids. I used to like Pantos when they were

innocent things. They're not now. Not bawdy stories like the three musketeers. In a church. It's probably alright in a church, yeah. So, Kate, you're three years younger than Martin. How was he as a man to grow up in the same house as? He was a very good big brother.

I was a hideous little sister. That can't be true. That's not true at all. No, it is. When I look back, I think, oh, gosh, what a patient, patient big brother. I used to smash up his Lego. That was the only thing that really got him going. I built a Lego base, and it had, likeium Falcon it had rockets, it had like Thunderbirds

it had all different science fiction tropes on one base and Kate dragged this enormous teddy like Godzilla right across the middle of the base I've never been so angry in my life before or since So what did you think Infantin might turn into one day rather

than physicist musician and sound man geek we had to throw him out of his bedroom at the weekend so he could see some sunlight so he could see his friends and nothing's changed i know i recall most of my teenage years were spent reading Warhammer books in my bedroom and then later playing bass on my own in my bedroom. I think the problem was you weren't particularly good at building the little figures to play Warhammer, as I recall. So how did you tell little Martin the sound boy that his future career as Warhammer kingmaker was never going to come on? How did you break that to him? We promised him he could be prime minister.

Is there anything about the way Martin comes across in the show that surprises you? I don't think anything I say could surprise them at this point. I think some of your turns of vulgar language, Martin, would surprise anybody. Did Martin talk a lot about testicles in Very Fast Art Tables when he was a child? I think Martin might get his inventive swearing from Dad, to be honest. Oh, really? What's your favourite, Dave? I was complimented by one of martin's friends from austria when somebody was quite rude to us walking along a

pavement i shouted at them you ignorant fuck pigs i liked i liked the aftermath of this when he said i'm sorry but they were a fuck pig. Just calls it like he sees it. Wow. That's a really good portmanteau swear. I think it's put my dad's Polish accent into perspective now your dad said fuck pig.

And if you want to hear the things that our parents said that we weren't comfortable airing, there is a bumper app extra this week for possessors of the Answer Me This app. But because I'm feeling charitable, it will also be available on our website too.

So answermethispodcast.com for that extra content. Too hot for TV, etc. I think another thing that we learned by going to Martin's parents' house is that Martin, judging by the pictures, was by far the most attractive child out of all of us. By which I mean the only one that wasn't a monster and uh i now understand fully why my parents never displayed any childhood pictures of us around the house just of the dogs and if you would like to see some of these pictures of us as children then you can find that gallery on our website as well at answer me this podcast.com slash gallery of

munt there you go well uh you may be thinking who else is there possibly to to hear from we've heard from all three sets of parents we've heard from grandma terry for god's sake who else can there be my only remaining grandparent is in south africa and we could not afford to drive there on the show and i should for anyone who thinks that it's about to be my girlfriend by the way it's not going to be my girlfriend she does exist she's real she's just not into showbiz and she doesn't want to be on the podcast and that my friends is one of the reasons that i love her and why she still loves you we've saved the best till last let's hear from our final family member and the only one who stood as a conservative party councillor

don't join this people against him before he's even spoken. Well, now we are joined by the Zaltzman that Helen describes as the funny Zaltzman and the Zaltzman that Zach describes as the belligerent Zaltzman. Well, firstly, belligerent is all of us. And secondly, it's also John Oliver of The Daily Show that thinks Richard is the funniest man alive. It's Richard Zaltzman. How are you feeling? Well, feeling like that's quite a hard reputation to live up to, to be honest,

apart from the belligerent bit, which I'm fine with. All you have to do, Richard, is be. Now, Richard, one of the reasons why I've been excited to get you on Answer Me This is because I think you're going to lay down some pretty hard-line truth. And to correspondents such as Jason here, who says, I am 14, and my friend and I told each other which girl we like. And surprisingly, we like the same girl. We told each other this for jokes and laughs.

But things got serious when she liked one of us back. It wasn't me. So now they are dating right in my face. I thought that there was a bro code that men follow at certain types of situations like this one. So, Rick, answer me this. What should I do? Why do you think it wasn't you in the first place?

If you're such a sap, you thought it was some bro code providing you with an invisible protective layer around the object of your affection. So I suggest forget it and walk away. You're clearly too much of a sap to get anywhere there. Not even try and use up the rival well you know at that sort of tender age they're probably going to last about six months at best

until they fall out over something trivial like who sent whom a text message so you can either hang on in there and wait for the for the fallout and pick her up on the rebound or you can go and get you know have a look around see what else is on the market see the other fish in the sea yeah i mean if you if you've got the balls to go fishing properly. Which Rick assumes that you don't. Fisherman's code that you believe everybody should adhere to. I can't wait until Rick's children are old enough to have boyfriends and girlfriends,

because I imagine he's going to be the most terrifying, scary dad that's ever lived. It's Charlotte here in Poole. Answer me this. I've just been watching Helicopter Heroes on BBC One and it got me thinking because I would like to train as a paramedic, but it's a year doing an A-level in biology, then two years, I think two years,

doing a paramedics course at a university. So my question is, is it too late to retrain? I've just had a baby. She's only six weeks old. And I'm thinking, is it too late? I'm 31. Is that too late in life? Well, the instinct in me says, God, yes.

You're blown in. The kids are there. There's nothing you can do however i would say in this instance that um you can't let the little get you down self-censorship are you really growing up yeah you know if you give in to the child they've really taken over your whole life so i think you have to say in this instance you you've got to give it a go and three years will fly by they'll be out of nappies and walking around the house by then so you can leave them at home just make sure they can open the fridge and if anything goes wrong when they do open the fridge you're qualified to sort them out absolutely yeah she's only 31 she's got realistically at least four

decades of working life left absolutely and paramedic is a noble a noble calling i have to say i wouldn't want to pick objects out of people's throats and clear up after the blood and vomit myself. You'd love to be able to drive fast though with a siren on. I'm not sure that's the paramedic though. That's basically an overqualified taxi driver isn't it? The chap on the right hand side. Are you judging this partly on the fact that it is a noble profession though? If Charlotte had said Rick I want to train as an actress

and I want three years out what would your response be? I mean if it had been go back to university and do media studies I'd have said wakey wakey smell the coffee. There's a child that needs a mum with a job not a stay-at-home orphan that's going to be feral for three years whilst you train our mother retrained as a secondary school teacher in her 50s so it's never too late she did and you know if you look at the key factor there it was that you'd left home helen or at least were at school for long enough for her to concentrate. Now, Rick, you work for Microsoft.

Did you ever think about doing a noble profession? Ooh, ouch! I consider that a low blow, Ollie, so I'm going to put that one in the bank for now. But, Rick, congratulations for being the only one of our generation of Zaltzmans to have a proper job. Well, OK, let's look at this. Absolutely, I did.

I applied for environmental science and environmental engineering with half an eye on going and doing a proper job and potentially playing some small part in preventing ecological catastrophe that we seem to be sleepwalking to. Instead, you took the money job and look where the world is now. Thank you very much. Exactly. Your children aren't going to thank you in 20 to. Instead, you took the money job and look where the world is now. Thank you very much. Exactly. Your children aren't going to thank you in 20 years when they're living in the sea. Indeed. Indeed. Rick, here's a question from Luke.

And he says, my brother has asked me to be his best man for his wedding in 2012. So answer me this. How do I get out of being best man? I don't want to do it i don't particularly like my brother much and the only reason i said yes was because he has no one else to ask stop being such a poof look you got you don't like your brother so you've got the perfect opportunity to humiliate him in front of all his friends and his wife um obviously it's also a great opportunity for you to sever all future ties with your brother if you

really don't like him so it's time to take a stand there and i think go for it make that speech as offensive and inflammatory as you possibly can and it'll be a cracking wedding that everybody will remember for the rest of their lives now you asked our brother andy to be your best man at your wedding and was that what you were expecting lifelong rifts no no no um despite our childhood ups and downs um by the time i asked andy to be my best man at our wedding we were on pretty good terms and uh still are yeah still are absolutely and i was reasonably confident although i have to say moderately nervous on the day that he wouldn't go overboard on the speech and indeed he didn't he did a an amazing. What would have been an example of him going overboard, Rick?

I mean, Andy's brand of comedy, first of all, goes over a lot of people's heads. So I think he could have left some of our guests completely baffled, but he didn't. And he certainly didn't go for any of the offensive best man gags at all. So he was very, very emotional. It was less that you were worried

that he was going to recall a time where you puked up in a wine glass or something and more that you. So he was very, very emotional. It was less that you were worried that he was going to recall a time where you puked up in a wine glass or something and more that you were worried he'd say, Rick's marriage is like Condoleezza Rice. Something like that, absolutely. And leaving people scratching their heads and wondering when on earth the cake was going to come to divert them from this appalling intellectual challenge.

And you've been a best man yourself. Any tips for how to bring the house down? Open with something that sets the tone. So when I was recently best man for a friend of mine who married his sister, albeit his stepsister. Yeah, not his biological sister. No. Deliberately misleading there, Richard.

Absolutely. Still pretty weird. It was pretty weird, but that is a gift as a best man. What was your opening line? So how did you meet? My opening line was, well, this brings a whole new meaning to family wedding well now rick not only have you married you've also uh issued spawn uh so this is a question about sperm it's from ben in arkansas uh who says rick answer me this i recently heard that spending too much time in hot tubs

can render men infertile as a man who loves hot tubs but might one day like to father children this makes me nervous is this true i have absolutely no idea because i hate the thought of sitting in a hot tub where basically the scrapings from between other people's toes are bubbling around me in a perfect temperature for explosive bacterial growth so just on what we have in front of us we can deduce then that if you don't spend any time in hot tubs you might be incredibly fertile like richard zaltzman absolutely no science there so yeah we can't prove the inverse yet but it's a start isn't it your testicles are supposed to be colder than the rest of your body that's why they are where they are yeah i mean if you really want to go down this route and get some sort of neoprene

iced underpants then really fine but i think they might put off the other people in the hot tub have you ever been tempted by any other kind of spa treatment or i i absolutely hate them this whole pampering bullshit because you're worth it it all smacks to me of people who've frankly got nothing of any meaning in their lives whatsoever they need somebody to rub up their crack and make them feel good so what's your secret of your youthful complexion banging my head against the wall every day of my working life it cleans up the pores monty if you like a girl and your friend likes that girl and the girl likes the friend better than you, what do you do? Find another friend.

Find another friend? You get another girl that's your friend, I think. I would do that as well. I would do that as well. I would do that as well. That's very good suggestions. You're very sensible people. But if it's my best friend, I would just say,

please make me play, and they would, I think, let me. This is a question from Fiona from London who says, answer me this, is Beauty and the Beast a story about Stockholm Syndrome? Well, it's about when a beast turns into a prince. And I've got a story about it, and it is very, very, very, very, very, very, very scary. Because the beast says, hey, don't touch that flower. And he is very nasty nasty and then he becomes nicer to her.

Even when you're an adult, you would be very, very scared. It doesn't sound very nice. I won't touch the flowers. Not without permission. Good. Here's a question from Meredith from Lewis who says, answer me this, are there any long-term effects caused by not drinking enough water? We die.

You won't grow you's back. You really will, because my mum told me that. So those indistinguishable childish voices were those of my nieces and nephews, Horace, Monty, Matilda and Isabel. I mean, listening to that clip, they did sound really, really sweet. But that's a very short clip.

Do you know what? Kids have very poor mic technique and they kept trying to eat it. No, my dad kept trying to eat the mic as well. So that's not something that's exclusive to children. Of course, you've just heard Rick as well. And a lot of you know that I have another brother called Andy.

You might be like, why didn't you invite Andy? We've got a falling out something no he's had his own special episode before he's been on the podcast episode 132 and listeners it just remains for us to say a very big thank you for sticking with us for these 200 episodes and for sending us the thousands of questions that we have answered across that time because without you we'd have no content we'd be nothing we'd be worthless i'd wake up in the morning and think, who the fuck am I? No one's asking me about their love dilemmas. I'd say,

here's to another 200, but... We all know that's not going to happen. But then we thought this wouldn't happen, Ollie. That's true. Who'd have guessed

that this incredible thing could happen? See you again five years' time at this very card table in the corner of this living room in Crystal Palace.

Even if someone else has moved into the flat by then, we'll barge our way in. I'm sure they'll let us carry on. It'll be practically a National Trust heritage site by then. Bye!