Anything Better? - Anything Better | Best of the First Thirteen

Episode Date: April 24, 2021

Anything Better than Bill & Paul taking a week off because they had no choice?  Perhaps.  In the meantime please enjoy and share this clip show of the first thirteen episodes.

anything better when paulie has a bad day dude you you leave a message you don't even say hello you launch into it but you're such a nice guy after you launch into it then you quickly you give me a quick hello i'll just like i'll check messages and all of a sudden i'll be like yeah bill call me back whatever and all of a sudden yours will just come on is it ever enough is it ever enough no matter what the fuck you do i'm sorry this is paul how you doing is it ever enough and then you just fucking launch back into it. Oh, man, dude, you're going to make me say this. I'm going to tell you this story.

I've never said this before. When Lucas was one, we went to Sears for family pictures. Right? This is true. And we're all wearing matching white collared shirts as a family. Lucas is one. Me and Stacey. On the way, on the way.

Fuck you, on the way. Fuck you, no, fuck you. You think I give a fuck? I don't give a fuck. Like honestly at that level, I don't give a fuck what she said. I don't even fucking need to do this today. Dude, I'm laying on the ground in Sears with the number one.

There was a foam number one behind us, and I'm going like this, and in between takes, we're looking at each other, shaking each other's head. I'm on the floor. My arms are around her, and I'm going, I'm not going to fucking dinner tonight. Fuck your family or something I said. And it was the worst fight, and there was a number one,

and we're all in white fucking polos here's the thing about bill burt when anything is big the guy is who you want in a foxhole with dude i've been on a plane with you with a lot of turbulence and i'm like writing my will in my notes on iphone and you're like air drumming you know like he's just fucking air drumming and shit he's just and i'm just going like he's a guy it's fine it's fine. It's the balance. It's, you know, anything with you big. God forbid you tell Bill, like, we're drunk in a bar. One time we got drunk in a bar, and I told him I didn't mind, like,

excessive celebration if it was for a championship. By the end of the night, I was like, dude, are we still friends? Oh, yeah. I didn't know if we were friends. I don't drink anymore. Are we cool? I swear to God, that's what it is. My house could burn down with everything in it other than the people I love

and I'd be like it was kind of cool to not own anything kind of feel light let's just start over again I mean all this shit was was shit people were going to have to deal with when we died anyways like why the fuck did he keep this paper mache fucking thing from the 70s oh Paul

you could take me for a fucking ride i'm gonna tell you the first time i went down and the first times i came down to new york i'm gonna tell you how fucking gullible i was no so i i stop at the port authority and i'm walking out you know i'm on a piece of straw and a cowboy hat oh big city right and this dude right this black dude comes up to me he goes yo man you need a taxi i'm like well yes yes i do he's like follow me so i start following the guy and my whole body is going like this guy doesn't have a uniform he does not seem connected with this facility and he's i'm just following this my whole my whole inner side is screaming insides are screaming don't follow this guy i follow him i follow and i follow we're going down like you know it's in between

like the garden and whatever i'm going down this alley going i might get killed here i'm like well i i but i said i'd go with this guy i don't piss him i don't piss him off long story short we get to the front of the garden okay and this asian dude pulls up in a cab this is when new york was new york right yeah so the black dude leads me up the asian dude pulls up in the cab and then the guy who led me the cab told me it was like 20 bucks yeah so i'm picking up my wallet i had all this money because i was traveling and the guy was jumping up and the asian guy's going no no no no he's traveling and the guy was jumping up and the Asian guy's going, no, no, no, no. He's yelling. And the guy takes the 20 and runs away. And then I was just like,

I was just relieved. They didn't kill me. Right. I'm 27. This is how fucking new I was to the world. So I put my, my, my suitcase in the, in the trunk of the cab and I get in and this, this Asian dude, like, i don't know where he's from but heavy accent he go what's wrong with you he go where you from where you from i'm like massachusetts he's like are you new are you new to the city i love this guy today because he just told me what was up he go you knew here you knew'm like, yeah, I'm down here to visit a friend. He goes, let me tell you something. Somebody come up to you in this city. You say, get the fuck away. He goes, they keep coming. You say louder.

I said, get the fuck away. And then he just kept going. Where you from? And all of that. You know what it is, paul you know what fucking life is life is being a fucking good person and then dealing with a bunch of fucking assholes that you can't tell them what fucking assholes they are because of some extraneous bullshit relations family money international waters whatever the fuck it is there's always some stupid reason why you can't call a cunt a cunt and then what happens is good people walk around angry as shit and then we drop of heart attacks and then people always go hey come all these nice guys always die young and all these fucking assholes live forever because they're doing the shit yeah all right this all makes sense in my head.

No, it doesn't. I'm a hero, Paul. I'm a nice guy. I don't know. Like a couple years ago, if somebody suggested something that I didn't want to do, the pilot light would start flaming up in me because I would think that I had to do it. I didn't know that you could just be like, you know what? Yeah, I don't want to do that. I appreciate the offer. I don't want to do it. You know, I mean, cause I mean, I knew how to do

that, but the only way I knew how to do that was to be like, let me tell you something, you motherfucker. I'm never fucking, that's the only way I knew how to do it. How long did it take you? How long did it take you to when you could politely go? I appreciate that, but no, I'm just not interested. Like how long did it take you to do that? This week. I did it this week, finally. I feel great. But I've always had a fantasy of going into a bank

and just running out with a fucking hockey bag filled with cash. I've always, that's always been my thing, right? That's why I love watching those movies. So I saw this movie- Knocking over old people? No, no, no. I would have done it like they did in Heat.

I'm not here for your money. I'm here for the bank's money. Everybody, if you need to, you know, rest on the wall, if you have a heart issue, you know, let us know. You could go to the bathroom. I'd be, I would be, I would be, you know, they wouldn't worry about me. You would get caught, Paul.

Yeah. You start letting hostages not feel like hostages. They start leaving the bank. You guys hungry? Listen, if this is too much for you, if you're not a gun person, you can just get out of here. I just want what's in the vault. Is anybody hungry? I'm going to be playing a movie on my phone.

My wife makes the greatest brownies. I've told her forever to open a store, but she wouldn't do it, which is why I'm here. The thing with me is when you walk into my house, and this is just, and anybody will tell you this. I take pride in this. If you walk into my fucking house, the chances of you not having a glass of something within fucking 30 seconds is just not going to happen. You're going to have fucking cheese. She'll have cheese and salamis up there. And you're going to have a fucking glass of grape juice in your hand before you get up the stairs.

And that's just how it's going to be when you come to my fucking house. You're going to have food. You're going to fucking eat a lot. You're going to have a great fucking time. And then we're going to go outside and smoke sticks while they prepare dessert. That's what the fuck is going to happen when you come to the Verzi household and you're going to leave going, what the fuck just happened? And anything other than that is unacceptable.

That's it. I mean, what do you say to that? I love how you went Trump in the beginning. And anybody will tell you that. It's a hand goes out. Anybody tell you, you fucking ask. People don't even know me. No, they look at me and be like that.

That guy's handing you a glass of wine and some, you know, some cheese you know some cheese but um dude i remember this one time i was at a club i was at a comedy club in the city it's a true story i was like yeah man i did my shows and i wasn't i wasn't passed in any club so i was like this is like i was literally standing outside of bars in greenwich village going hey comedy show and um i was done for the night. And I go, man, I need a massage. So the guy goes, oh, go around a corner. I'm like, dude, it's one in the morning. He goes, go around. It's a thing, right? So I go in there and I go, how much is a massage, right? And she's like, it's 60 plus tip. I had $80. So I'm like, perfect. I'll get it for 60. But I go in and she closes the door. It's a hundred percent true. She closes the door and she just goes, you want special massage? I go, no. And she started touching my belly button and

shit. And I'm like, no, no. I was like, I got, I got 60, whatever. No, no, I'll give you special. And she started to like, kind of like, you know, try to touch my balls and shit. And I'm like, no, no, no, I don't have them. I, I, my, my back, my back. Right. So I laid down and she just kept, she dimmed the lights and she kept going, are you sure you don't want special massage? I'm like, I don't have, I just want to get my back. I have a fucked up back. So dude, I'm laying on my stomach. Okay. Hand to God, I'm laying on my stomach and I feel my, like I'm laying this way and I feel her grab my shin and lift my back leg up like this. And all of a sudden I get this sensation on my toes. I look, dude, this bitch had my toes in her mouth, start sucking my feet. And I go, yo, what are you doing? What are you doing, man? I got $60. So who the fuck goes to massage parlor at one in the morning and thinks that place is legal, dude, I was young. And you think she actually knows how to work out your back?

You went to a punter to see if they could hit a fucking curveball. You're not even in the right stadium. No, here's the thing. I was young. I didn't know about that stuff yet. I had just. I was young. The hat's just blue.

I can't believe the story went that way, Paul. I mean, I thought that was totally legit. Dude, I went to my Shah's parlor. Get this. At one in the morning in the village in New York, this chick tried to touch my dick. I mean, it came out of nowhere. What were you, 12?

Nobody's an expert unless they've done the job. Like, Tony Romo? like Tony Romo when Tony Romo talks football I'm fucking that's gonna happen okay if somebody asks you hey man what's it like on the road when you stay in a comedy condo what's it like when you're away from your family I'm I'm an expert with that I can answer that but I don't want some fucking buddy that doesn't know what happens when you die go well I'll tell you what happens what remember when you were born and you didn't remember before you were born, right? So that's what happens. You don't fucking know. You don't know. You're not an expert on that. So nobody's an expert on

shit that's unexplained. Okay. Nobody's an expert on UFOs. What do you think happens when you die? I think that there is- So why would you give an answer? No, no, hold on. But I could think something. Neil deGrasse Verzi? Yeah, but nobody's fucking booking me on fucking Ellen to talk about it. Well, stop saying fuck so much. You could get some more gigs.

Remember when they were scientists dropping F-bombs? Ellen, this is what the fuck I think when you die. I don't see my dad often. And when I do see my dad, like my dad is so like, my dad would be absolutely disgusted and horrified that I was wearing an Adidas t-shirt on a, on a podcast. He, my dad went into a pizzeria in Yonkers. This is true. Not even trying to be funny with $1,100 alligator that had a like a solid gold buckle on top of them and then he had a he had this he wears leather jack in the winter like every season he's got like

so he loves when it gets cold because he wears this leather that's got fur around the collar and he wears really big he'll wear really big gaudy sunglasses high in the middle of those those jackets with the shit back oh dude he yeah like it was like fur around the collar a zip up leather but soft leather he'd have shoes on with like gold buckles and he would wear gaudy sunglasses at night wearing nine different animals all of them are endangered i love this dude he's going to get a regular slice of pizza and he comes out he's got glasses on and this on. And this one woman is looking at my dad. And she's just staring at him.

And he's walking to the car. And me and my brother were there. And I never saw my dad in a real social setting with other people other than us when we visited him. And he just goes. He stops. And he takes his glasses off. And he looks at the woman. He goes, I owe you money?

And she goes, excuse me? He goes, no, no. the woman and he goes, I owe you money? And she goes, excuse me? He goes, no, no, I'm just saying, do I owe you money? Because the last person that stared at me like that, I owed him money. Dude, it was the, she, I've never seen another person just get frozen, had nothing to say. I wouldn't have had anything to say. And then he just put his glasses back on and went in the car and it was the most gangster shit i've ever seen so this guy's standing there

he's at the front cash register he has his sunglasses off his mask is off and he's leaning towards the glass like this and there's a glass partition and on the other side this person is holding up a machine. And he's just sitting there staring at the machine. And I walked in in the middle of this, like, what the fuck is going on? And this lasts for like a minute. I'm like, what are they doing? So I walk up.

And I said, what was that all about? And they said, oh, he just paid with his face. Dude, how fucking stupid. He goes, the machine recognizes his face. Dude, how fucking stupid that he goes, the machine recognizes his face that is then connected to his credit card number. How fucking dumb, how fucking lazy are you that you can't take your credit card out and go, and then take the stupid pen and sign it. You're going to give these cunts your face and tie it to your credit card number. I was literally standing behind the next Lee Harvey Oswald. I'm going to see that guy in about three months getting dragged in with a big fucking knot on his face.

Oh, so I'm the patsy? So I'm the patsy? He just paid with his face, Paul. And this is the thing about that. Human beings are such fucking idiots that they're going to see that and enough of the herd is going to be like, I want to pay with my face. I want to have the latest thing because I don't have a dream that I've walked into that this is how I live my life.

I want to do the face thing. And then everybody's going to be doing the face thing. And then they're going to phase out the fucking credit card. And then I'm going to have a meltdown on the last day. You can use a fucking credit card. And my wife's going to get mad at me because I have a temper. That's how it's going to go. Dude.

If you saw this fucking idiot, like leaning into the fucking thing. I swear to God, somebody should just just put two behind his ear right down, right there, and just put him out of his misery. I picture somebody going, how much is it, $250? $250? What about when you think they charged you too much? You'd be like, it's so fucking dumb dude it's so dumb too right i'm like

i'm like yeah okay yes whatever you got to do but things live with me here dude this is a true story okay i took my cat to the vet and we didn't know if he was coming back the other one the one with diabetes and lucas sound like bruce springsteen. I feel like I hear somebody going to Vietnam or something. Dude. And Lucas is crying. They kiss the cat on the head. I'm going, I'm looking at this thing, like, I don't know what's going to happen. I say to the lady, what's it going to take? She goes, I think he's going to be okay. This is what we have to do. He's going to stay overnight. They said to me, which my wife got upset with, they said to me, if the cat, if we lose the cat, do you want to sign a do not resuscitate? This 100 true do you want to sign a do not resuscitate or resuscitate

i go what does that mean fucking cat paul she goes for 400 if he loses if his heart stops we'll bring them back i looked at the lady like i'll kill you for the cat yes resuscitate i don't give a fuck dude yes i can't believe people are this attached to cats no it's so fucking aloof man i feel like that there's you know the person you went to school with like 12 years but you never really talked dude my cat runs to me like a dog he was on my chest last night he's the best he's the best dude they guys come here they run down the stairs guys come here run down the stairs all right i'm gonna get a bunch of shit from cat people here no she goes she goes would you would you want to resuscitate them?

Yeah. Dude, I'll put my daughter's guinea pig on life support. I don't give a fuck, dude. We live. Everything lives that I pay for and that we love is going to live. Okay? I'm serious, dude. I'm like, and, you know, Stacy, my wife.

What's the overrun on this guinea pig? Seven years? So Stacy is like. We threw it at is on the eight you german irish scandinavian there's some i don't know what it is with you guys but there's some sort of like it's not a coldness but there's a block do you know what i'll tell you what it is i can tell you exactly what it is if you could do 23 and me they could get back to the one dad that started all of this in northern europe yeah i don't know what happened if it was the weather and he's wearing a woolly mammoth onesie and he was itchy and just in a bad had a bad

fucking life and he's just like it's gonna snow out fucking get used to it shut the fuck up it was that where you guys were down near the mediterranean yeah yeah i can believe you want you know when you really look at like uh so many inventions in northern europe were to destroy people and a lot of inventions it is europe is is to enjoy life more like that's probably not true if you really looked it up but i just mean and and and all of this shit up. But like fucking down where you guys are, it's like, that's why I like going to that part of Europe. I laugh when I go to, when I go through Ireland and Scotland and England, I see so many of my friends and people that I grew up with, just the European version of them. And I'm just dying laughing.

And the cycle has not been broken. And they are the funniest fucking bastards you're ever going to meet. Because, you know, she's upset about the cat too. So she's just working through it. My wife has that Scandinavian. She's that Scandinavian German Irish. That's the psycho blood like me. Yeah, she said.

Don't address. You're dealing with the emotion. She goes, I'm not, she goes, I'm, she goes, I'm not in denial, but I'm just not dealing with it. And she's working where I, I go in. What is that? Yeah. She, she just is like, she knows what it is, but just plows through. And when it comes to the, I just hold my nose cannonball into the emotional pool and I just splash. And I just, I just, I'm just one of those. I realized like, that's why it hit me. I was one of those kids where like when a girl held my hand in elementary school, I'd start planning our family. That's who the fuck I like. I'm just one of those. Like if you just like touch my back and

tell me I'm okay, I'm just fucking head over like that's and that's why i was more sentimental there's 32 head coaching jobs in the whole world in the nfl think about that man there's 30 and your wife's gotta love you your wife's gotta love you for your wife to go i'm gonna be in this and we may move. You may get another job. Your kids may leave the school because now you're the offensive coordinator across the country. And she sticks with that.

Yeah. That's a, that's, that's a, she either loves you or it's an abusive relationship. Hey, I did this when you met me, you knew what this was.

Stop crying. It's South Dakota. You knew what this was. Stop crying. It's South Dakota. They're in the whack. I'm going to fucking destroy them. We'll be back in the Pac-12 in a minute. If that fucking kick isn't wide right, we don't live in Texas. She starts losing her shit. It wasn't my fault.

She's going, you bring it home with you. What the fuck? It was a chip shot. It was a fucking chip shot. Bring it home with you what the fuck it was a chip shot it was a fucking chip shot bring it home with me my fucking face is all over the paper I told you to stop subscribing to it oh I like the gossip section the gossiping about me

fuck gossip section oh they're gossiping about me oh i always feel bad like with certain guys that are volatile guys right when you just see them you know that shit you know the fucking that stance that they're in when there's a field goal where they got their hands on the knees and they're just sitting there like one time one time come on come on just put it in they go oh shit and they fucking lose the game i i love the guys that go they try to be calm but then they they mouth it but they don't say it they go they look at the kick the kick is up and they go he missed it but you've made me blush you have made me i've been to games with you where i was just like wow he's going in like

he's i i used to drink a lot paul i would watch you so much of my shit i would just get mad seeing people for the other team having a good time yeah you i watched nothing to do with the game it had nothing to do with the game if i saw somebody and they looked like a douche to me and they were enjoying themselves, I just lasered in on them. I really still got my ass kicked a lot more than I did. I saw you lean back. You leaned back one time. You leaned back, and I just saw your eyes scanning.

Your eyes were scanning. You were looking for the other jersey, or you were looking for somebody on the the opposing thing and you were just it had nothing to do with sports paul it never has anything it's all my bullshit from being a kid you actually apologized to a guy once we were at a game and you and him were going and you were like this and that you went hard at him and then i you i saw you real i mean we're hammered i mean and you were just like you like patted him on there you go hey ma'am you know it's all good like you know you and i you, and I was like, Oh, he knows.

I mean, you, I was by the end. I realized that I finally realized I was the dick. And then I started becoming the peacekeeper. I remember you wanted to kill somebody in Tampa. And no, the, the kid in, uh, when we went to Alabama. The kid on the bus. Yeah. Yeah.

That, that kid. That kid got hammered drunk. No, no, but you were right. You were on the bus. Yeah. Yeah. That kid. That kid got hammered drunk. No, no. But you were right. You were right on that. Yeah. We went to Alabama versus Texas A&M in College Station. We took a fucking bus, a booze bus.

A public bus, which was so dumb. No, it wasn't public. It was specifically for that. But with strangers. It looked like a public bus, but it was it was it was it was specifically for that about which public bus but it was it was it was carting us to the game and there was just this one fucking guy he he was just obnoxious he was everything that uh that makes me want to watch the game at home i hate alabama because of him and his fucking loafers and his khakis, those Alabama khakis he had on. And he had those loafers that they wear. Oh, dude, the loafers. The funniest thing ever is them trying to act like, you know, that like they're these aristocrats. You know,

also like that, the fucking TCU fans come in there and they're dumbass blazers and shit it's like nobody gives a fuck about tcu this is the harvard of texas is it no one cares i never heard of you guys the horny toads come on frogs i fucking hated them all those jr ewing looking fucking jerk offs i like the smu The SMU Mustangs. I like Baylor. The Longhorns. I like Texas Tech. I like the Aggies. Those fucking cunts at the fucking Frogs, man. Oh, my God. They look like the douches in a coming-to-age movie in the 80s.

They were the frat with all the money. That's what they look like. I was like, oh, my God. like is danger field gonna come here and do the triple yeah the sweater the tied sweater around the dude i mean that's how they were dressed that was like yeah bill that was my first rose bowl and it was tcu and we sat in the sun and it was a bunch of kids going like with their fingers down tcu and by like five minutes into the first quarter, Bill was just ripping on everybody. Yeah. Was I drunk that one?

Sometimes I didn't drink. That was my first one. You were drunk. I was drunk. Yeah, you kept yelling TCU in a really annoying way right after them. So they'd say, they go, TCU. And then you'd go, TCU. And you were just doing it

yeah man i i got mad at them because they were supporting their team and for some reason they were all dressed up like they were going to go on the lawrence welk show afterwards lawrence welk is a very old reference but I'm telling you it's right on just know that the closing song on that show was good night sleep tight and happy dreams to you it was the whitest show ever there's a wish and a prayer

for every dream to come true and now till we meet again adios au revoir avida zane good night that's how white it was and that's what they look like they all look like and then all these old people would come out and they would be dancing around the fucking floor dude this is how old the fucking fan base was for that show the guy used to do a live read for geritol i don't know if you even remember it it was like this multi-vitamin for fucking people that fought in the civil war or

some shit it'd be old as shit dude all right that's next to numbers about but that that that is fucking uh lawrence fuck i think it was this german guy i don't know when he left germany geritol sounds like that old man cream you put on. I thought it was a cream from like the 50s. It was a little jar of vitamins, and they would sell them to these old people. This is back when we just knew nothing about nutrition or anything. It was just like...

Dude, you're bringing me back dude you're bringing me back you're bringing me back dude like my grandmother three times a week didn't realize how difficult that was for you not that i don't love a steakball i tried the plant-based thing i'm not doing that i'm i'm like what do you got here older folks often have tired blood ger Geritol. That is the most non-medical way of saying it. Nobody even knows that. It's snake oil. It's snake oil. Can the listeners see this?

Can you have to talk, Andrew? They've got to see this thing. The viewers here, I should say. I'll drop it in. Geritol. Tired blood? That should be our sponsor. Tired blood? That should be our sponsor. Tired blood? Well, if for

$20 off, anything better? That's a good name for a special. Paul Verzi, Tired Blood. Thank you.