Anything Better? - Are You Running Your Kingdom?

Episode Date: January 30, 2022

Is there Anything Better than Bill & Paul questioning your dedication to ruling your kingdom? Bespoke Post Get 20% off your first monthly box when you sign up at BoxofAwesome.com and enter the code better at checkout. That’s Box of Awesome.com, code BETTER for 20% off your first box. PrivateInternetAccess.com/AnythingBetter  Get 3 years + 4 months free for only $1.98 per month (83% OFF) Paint Your Life Twenty percent off and free shipping.  To get this special offer, text the word BETTER to sixty-four thousand (64-000)

what's up everybody and welcome back to the anything better podcast your favorite podcast the best podcast on the planet i mean let's be honest you got your host paul bursey bill burr we got the greek freak andrew themless out there from his beautiful, gorgeous compound out there in Beverly Hills. Don't know why he's wearing a winter hat when he's got a hot tub right behind him. And you guys are listening to episode number 50. It's a big one, guys. It's actually a big one because we're we're two away from we've been doing this 50. This is the 50th time two away from a year. It's gone like that because when you're working with people you love,

it's not work. Who's number 50? Oh, I got some good ones for you. Okay. Dallas Cowboys, D.D. Lewis. I can't say I know him. Oh, you're the worst. You're the worst.

I don't know him. D.D. Lewis from the Patriots, Sam Hunt. And I want to say the center, the great center from the Oakland Raiders, Super Bowl XI champion Dave Dalby. Those are the 50s that came to my mind. Okay. I didn't know. You know what, dude?

I'm not going to lie. I think the Hunt guy on the Patriots I knew, I didn't know those other guys. Sam Hunt is the guy you shouldn't know. You know what, dude? I'm not going to lie. I think the hunt guy on the Patriots I knew I didn't know those other guys. Sam is the guy you should know. Wait a minute. Is there an NBA number? There's got to be an NBA monster. David Robertson was I was going to say the admiral. The admiral was number 50. Andrew, do we have nba number 50s other than the admiral it's gotta be hey by the way shout out last week episode 49 honorable mention i forgot earl cooper great uh 49er who was on the cover of sports illustrated spiking the ball when they beat the Bengals. Or Paul calls them the Bengals.

Walk like an Egyptian. You sounded the same when you just said it, though. I'm not going to lie. You said it exactly the same to me. Maybe I'm hearing it wrong. I've been saying it so many times. I'm starting to say it the way you say it. The Bengals versus the Bengals. Bang versus bang. Just say it the way you say it. The Bengals versus the Bangles. You know what's funny?

Versus Bang. Bang. No, you're saying say Bengals. Bengals. Bang. Yeah, Bengals. You know what's funny about what? What's that?

I was going to give you that list. Okay. Bimbo Coles. Bimbo Coles. One of the great sports names of all time. That's a great name. Tyler Hansborough. Okay, I remember him.

Went to North Carolina. Tito Horford, Al Horford's father. David Robinson, 50? 52? No. Was he 53? No. He's 50. Yeah, he's 50 yeah it was 50 yeah i'll tell you who's coming up who's coming up paul daryl dawkins chocolate thunder the first dude to break a fucking backboard the reason

for the collapsible rim you know what's funny, when I show up to places and people talk about our show, they'll always come up to me and go like this. I swear to God, it's like, I would never think that this would be the one thing they go, Hey man, love anything better. Listen, dude, you guys miss number 30. They always listen, guys, we're doing it. Like we're doing it at the beginning as a, as a quick thing. We don't like have the whole fucking, we're doing it like we're doing it at the beginning as a quick thing. We don't, like, have the whole fucking – we can't, like, research everything. It's so funny, though. We should start having people send their thing in. Send one in next week for 51.

We're getting into some linebacker numbers, and we're getting into some major NBA guys when you get into the 50s. I don't know. Baseball, maybe pitchers or something like that. Paul, can I tell you about the fucking week I've had? Yeah, of course. Oh, my God. All right.

I go to New York. Okay. First of all, on Monday, I find out that me and three other people I'm working with on this project were exposed to two people that had COVID. So I'm like, what the fuck? What do I do? You know, so I take a test. Like Sunday night, and then I test again Monday. I'm negative, negative, right?

Then I go to New York. I land in New York. And then one of my buddies goes, dude, I tested positive too. We had like lunch or whatever, right? So, you know, you take off, you got to eat, take off the mask. So I'm like, oh, fuck. So I had to call Maureen and be like, Maureen, you're not going to believe this. I might be positive.

So she goes, run over to the venue now and get a fucking, you know, a test. So I run over to the venue. I get a test. You know, I'm all in my head going, I got to have it. I got to have it. Right. I test negative. Thank fucking God.

Right. So then I come back. You know, I do the Patrice gig. The fucking thing goes great. Everybody killed. It was such a great. It was David Tell's birthday. We sang him happy birthday.

Really magical night as always. And thanks to everybody who came out. Then I'm flying home. I can't remember. Yeah, I'm flying home, dude. I fucking left my laptop at the TSA. Oh, I've done that. That's the worst.

Yeah. Shout out to Club Soda, Kenny. So I get home. I find that out. I find out another one of my buddies tests positive. You know, I'm trying to put this fucking movie together. So I just, I got tested again. I'm still negative, but like you can keep, you know, you can be negative for for like three four days and then be positive again so so far i'm negative but i had a gig saturday night and i just was like if i don't move this thing i know it's you know if i don't move it if i if i move it i won't be fucking positive but if i don't move it i know what's gonna happen the day of i'll test fucking positive or worse i'll still test negative and then on Sunday I'll test positive and I don't want to give it to anybody

out there at Fantasy Springs so we had to move it to February 5th I think is when we're going to move it to so I apologize to everybody they got babysitters and all of that type of shit but I mean it is these weird times but so far Paul I gotta tell you I tell you, I feel good, man.

Yeah. I feel all right. You know, I'm taking my fucking vitamin C. My neighbor who's not a doctor told me to drink cat urine, so I'm doing that, you know. Made more sense than listening to my primary care physician. Why would I listen to him? What, are you trained in that field, you fucking asshole?

Shut your mouth. Here's what you do. Here's what you do. You get squirrel fur. If it's a possibility to get squirrel fur and rub it on your fucking head. I swear to God, dude, I know two kids that did it. They didn't get it.

I don't understand people like that. It's like I'm socially distanced and worn a mask and I haven't got it. Nothing. There's nothing funnier than having a comedian and a comedy club sitting at a table with a pizza in front of them going, no, no, no. Here's the deal. Here's the thing. Here's what it is.

It's not that big a deal. Dude, you know what? You know what? I remember a long time ago late 90s late 90s i walked into the comic strip and every comic at the bar was talking about uh investing in dot-com stocks every fucking one of them ohOL. AOL is going to split again. Blah, blah. In my brain, I was just like going, this isn't right. There's no way this is going to keep going. This doesn't make any sense.

No comics for raking balls. No nothing. They were all talking about how much money they were making in the stock market. And I was just looking around at all these fucking class clown know, class clown comedians. It's like we don't make money on Wall Street. We're the suckers on Wall Street. Cash out and get the fuck out.

Dude, I know guys that lost like I know a guy that got a deal back when comics would get deals. He invested six figures into that shit and lost it all in dot-com fucking brutal no yeah dude you know what i did i got a finance guy at one of the most reputed places and i just said dude you tell me what the fuck to do i told you that time nothing's funnier than acting like you can't act dumb with your money guy they'll know you're an idiot and

then he'll fucking just start sending you the fake spreadsheets, the ones that are written in crayon with sunshine, sun-signed smiley face at the top. No, dude, I went up to an American Airlines pilot thinking I know shit

because, you know, I was afraid, so I read everything. This American Airlines pilot, I'm at like a christening. I'm at like a party, like a family. We're at a house and they're eating. And he's like, oh, yeah, this guy, Paul, you know, like I know. But yes, she's like, I'm, you know, American Airlines pilot. I go, that's awesome. I mean, yeah, man, I learned everything about it. I was like, you guys got like six backup things, like six backups on the engine and the takeoff. Right. And he's just holding a cookie.

And he's like, no, no, it's not sick. I was just like, hi, I saw a YouTube video about it. Like I was so excited to tell him this knowledge that I have for, for taking off and how safe, and he just, he didn't want to be mean. So he was just holding a cookie and he's like, I don't know. Like, of course he knows I'm wrong. He was just like, I don't think it's sick. So I was like, hi, nice to meet you. Fly safe.

No, I met, I met this author. I don't know how we were at this party, but this guy, he wrote one of like the, one of these huge books that ended up getting turned into a movie and somebody introduced him. And I was just like, I didn't know what to say. I was just like, Oh yeah, you wrote a book, huh? Man, that's gotta be hard. Huh? He's just like, he's like, well, I mean, it's a lot of work. And I was just like, I don't read.

Because I remember when I was in school and I had to do a paper, right? That was a lot of writing. And I didn't enjoy that. Dude, this guy wrote like a fucking. I don't want to embarrass myself by saying who the author was, but it was a fucking major book. He's one of these guys that can just crank out fucking books. And I just somehow was at a party he was at.

And I said that to him and, and I immediately knew how dumb I sounded. And I walked over to my wife who was there and I told her what I said. She goes, you didn't say that. Tell me why the fuck would you say? Cause she was a fan of the guy. Oh my.

And I was just like, he's not going to think we're together. You're black and I'm white. I'll just stay over here and you can just go up and be adorable. You'll be fine. Dude. That is so, if you're going up to Stephen King.

Yeah, man, you can, you can crank these things out. How are you doing? It's just like, I like your comedy. I was like, he wrote a book, huh?

That's got to be hard. It was so fucking. Dude, that's even worse because he let do that. But but you know what? Walking up to a scientist that's looking through a microscope, microscope and you just go like, wow, that that shit's real small. Huh? Good thing you got that. that thing that magnifies it you like you like that stuff huh you like looking at bugs

oh oh dude which way is the laboratory laboratory whatever instead of saying uh and you know what laboratory lavatory for bathroom? I think it's lav. Lav. Dude, that's what the one thing. I'm going to drop a specimen in the commode. I'm smarter. What the hell was I going to say? Yeah, but the one thing that comedian, the one, that's why I love sports.

Because you can be a fucking truck driver, a comedian, work in a pizzeria. When you watch sports, some of those guys are better than the ESPN guys. And me and you are fucking proof of that. That's what I love about sports. Well, also, you're talking so much shit, Paul. We could literally get mocked next year. Just they could just mock the floor with us. It's gambling, man. It's not easy. No, no, it's not easy. No, no, no. I'm just saying like, I don't know about science and

medicine. And I never like, I don't know about science and medicine. I don't know the repercussions of COVID later on in my life. I don't know the repercussions of COVID later on in my life. I don't know really how an engine in an airplane really truly works. I don't know. But what I do know is if you give the chiefs a cover too, there's a chance they're not going to get the third down. My favorite thing of when regular guys like us talking about really smart shit and then they go they always go like yeah well but here's what i don't get here's what i don't get it's like you don't get any of it none of us do why do you have an engineering degree degree you're not a biochemist i'm a chemist physicist

i don't know what the fuck those things are i don't even know what that is i have no idea what any of that shit is dude i got one for you i'm on stage and somebody goes they're filipino or whatever they're from and i go oh so what language do you speak and they were like no it's there's not a and dude it was and like everybody was just like but i was like fuck that i didn't know what i don't know i don't know if it was filipino whatever there was a there was a somebody in the crowd was um was from an island or whatever and i thought that the first language is english and i thought because of where they said and they they i don't know if it was an asian island but anyway i just go what what

language is that and they were like they just looked at me and it was almost like like oh you didn't know that but their first language the first language is english and it's an island was it england it was no it was um no no it was, um, no, no, no. It was off of, it was some Asian Island. It wasn't the Philippines. Philippines is Philippines. The Philippines has it. So no, it was, it was, I forgot. I got to find out. I got to find out what it was, but I remember being there. What's that? Was it Rhode Island? No, no, no. It wasn't in the United States. It was Jersey. What language? I just felt so dumb. And What's the language in you, dude?

I just felt so dumb. And two of the comics were like, I knew you were going to ask because not a lot of people know. Apparently, somebody was like, I would have said the same thing. But I was just like, oh, so what's that? What language? And they were just like, American. And I was like, what's going on over here? You just got to call yourself out on it no dude the funniest thing i ever saw in a comedy club was a host was on stage about to bring

somebody up and he starts doing crowd work and he just goes he goes he's doing all right he's doing all right then he says something that gets nothing nothing and he just goes no but i like you guys what's going on back there, dude? And he just pointed to a dark corner. And, dude, it was, you got to know comedy to know how fucking funny that is. No, but I like you guys. No, but I like you guys. And he just goes, what's going on back there?

Like, it was such fight or flight. Oh, God. So fucking funny, dude. We were at the Patrice thing, and Voss was trashing me. And I love how when Voss trashes you, right at the end of his dig, he goes, okay. So he tries to hedge his bet in case it bombs to keep talking to make noise. And then what I love is if he gets you with a good one and you laugh he laughs he laughs that you're laughing he goes like oh he does that stupid boss laugh and then he walks away and

then he comes back to see if he's still laughing it's the fucking funniest shit ever no it's great he's fucking hilarious dude dude he's crushed at the benefit yeah i know he's funny man and he's got such a good he's like so self-debt like he doesn't take himself seriously what his opening line was it was a saget joke man it was just fucking it was a saget joke trashing me i figure i don't want to fuck it up because it was worded perfectly i believe the premise The reason Bob was not able to be there That night

Was the premise and he somehow You know Brought me into it Anyway He set the tone early Dude my family went from having COVID To now The house is completely Fine for weeks I was the only one to test negative the house is completely fine for weeks i was the only one

to test negative house completely fine for weeks then the other then a stomach bug goes through the fucking house and then now that's gone and it's just like dude it's like oh it's a winter oh it's a dark winter i mean dude i can't i can't catch open the windows in your house burn some say like get that shit out of there jesus man what i don't know what's going on here my poor wife i'm gonna get a big thing of sage and then some lysol and light the lysol on fire you know you shoot the flame to light the fucking sage oh that makes me want to smoke a cigar. Woo! Oh, man. Guess what? Half a cigar in November, half a cigar last week in Atlanta. I've smoked one cigar, maybe one and a quarter cigars. Would you smoke it up?

No, I smoked one and unfortunately had to put it out. And then I smoked another one that went like three quarters down. Dude, I have been not smoking cigars. The one I did smoke my buddy from Australia sent. And he said, what you said, he goes, dude, the serial numbers, he goes, they're all fake. He goes like this thing. And he, I lit a Hoyo that he sent me and dude, it was the greatest thing. As soon as you light it, you just go, yep. That's the Cuban tobacco.

It's it's an instant. It's it's an instant i always say oh my god you know you smell it you know it yeah but um my throat no all right it's private vpn everyone private internet access is a vpn that hides your ip address encrypts your connection, and keeps you safe online. Secure internet connection, hide your data from your internet service providers or network administration, admin, whatever the hell it means. Today's episode is sponsored by Private Internet Access, America's number one virtual private network or VPN. Even if you use incognito mode, your internet service provider is storing your browser data and many times even selling it.

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and you're in the clear. I just picture some psycho. He breaks up with her at a restaurant. She's crying. He snaps it. He sends that. He puts it over his fireplace over his fireplace she was cheating on me um again text better to to 64 64-000 god bless you dude i feel good though man i feel good and i'm trying to um dude i got i got hammered for the first time but i was with my wife so i she didn't like it wasn't

one of those mornings where you wake up like i was with her but dude we went to this restaurant expensive italian joint and i just kept going because i'm big on red wine now and i like chianti so i just go I go like this. I go, we had like this really nice reserve. It was like a reserve Chianti. And we were with a couple of couples and I just go, I look, I always look at the other people. I'm like, you want to, yeah. And I just look in the waiter doing their waiters are all have to be all dressed nice. And I just go, yeah, just, and then I just said to him, I'd be, you know what, dude, just, just keep bringing these bottles until when they start running out just keep bringing the bottles and dude i got

fucking i mean not not publicly but dude i got caught one man i caught one i mean not publicly you're in a restaurant no like i didn't i wasn't hammered like with the other couples but when we got back i think i poured myself uh something else and i just, you know, Bill, I got my when my whistle gets wet. I just it was just one of those. OK, so you were ordering for the table. We're ordering for the table and he keeps pouring everybody. And they were so delicious with dinner. Good conversation. So I said, keep them coming. Just keep the bottles. If you have another couple there, like you get one glass each. Like there's like four glasses, like a nice pour. It's like four glasses,

right? A nice pour is four glasses. Yeah. But I mean, he was just lining up bottles, dude. And it was so good. And it was one of those like really light. It wasn't a heavy red. It was like, it was like one of those where you look at it through the glass and you could almost see it was like a light and it was just,, and it was just no burn down the chute, and I was just like, keep it coming. No burn down.

Like the chest didn't feel it, man. I always called it a red wine hangover. It's brutal. I think any, like, but not with good quality, I don't feel like. But actually when you drink. I just always good quality i don't feel like but actually when you drink i just always found uh i don't know i i like wine but i always always found like uh i always hated when like you know when the chick came up to you and she's drinking red wine and her teeth are all gray yeah you're really funny

the grape shit all over the teeth really if you have yeah but if you have purple teeth and and and red lips from drinking wine dude you were drinking if you're a piece of like you know that's not like a dinner wine drinker like that's like the way dudes drink fucking Coors Lights yeah well I mean I think uh there's a lot of wino women out there you know i think you know you know they're more sophisticated than us so they go with the wine and i think because there's such a uh intellect intertwined with knowing wines that you you know you feel like you don't have a drinking problem and And I don't know, Paul. I do miss the days of irresponsibly drinking.

Like whenever they say drink responsibly, I'm always thinking like, well, what is the point of that? What is really the point of that? What are we doing here? It's like getting one slice of pizza. Who can do that? Yeah, why do we have to do that? Why does it have to be like that?

Why can't you enjoy five, six glasses of wine, okay, and enjoy dinner and drink wine with you and then wake up fine? How come we haven't figured it out? How come alcohol can't give you abs and eating shit food and cake? Like, why couldn't it be that fucking easy? If there's truly a God that loves us, Paul, why does everything good come with a price? And if you fucking eating Brussels sprout salads, hating your life with fucking some sort of fucking unsalted nuts chopped up in and whatever the hell I got in front of me. That makes your stuff flat. Yeah, I don't know, man. I don't know. But it's cruel. It's cruel. You know what? What's the heroin? Heroin? If you do heroin, you have abs for life.

You just said that like naked gun. He goes, no, he goes, drugs, drugs. He goes, nurse, get this man some drugs. He goes, Oh no. Heroin. Heroin. He goes, Nordberg, that's a pretty tall order. You're going to have to give me a couple of days on that. Um, dude, no, I, so I said a tweet that got a lot of women asking questions. It wasn't a bad feedback, but I said a tweet that got people going. So I'll share it here on the show. I said, if you want to know which one of your friends is going to get divorced, just look at his wife's Instagram. Right. And it got a lot of, it got a lot of positive, but then some women go like,

what are you looking for? And then dudes just started writing like selfies with no kids or no husband in the picture like bikini shit like okay and i'm like put it back out there dude i like they're like what are you looking for is that because they want to see who's going to get a divorce are they trying to cover their own tracks yeah it's like yeah somebody, yeah, somebody goes, what should I be looking for? And a couple of people said that. And then people were like, so what does that even mean? And I'm like, well, it kind of means that if you look at your wife's Instagram and you see a bunch of selfish, narcissistic shit without family stuff, it's a problem. She's not satisfied. She's still searching. Yeah. The one that I found is good. This is just my stupid. What do I know?

But I don't think it's stupid and narcissistic to if it's not always like I've noticed that people that take pictures of their dinner or their food, like if the plate, like if the sushi plate looks ridiculous and i'm like all right that's cool but it's the people that do shit where like they'll make a face holding the sushi or like it's it's very about them like in the you know there's always there's always some sort of like by a pool and it's like and then you see like mother but no kids no kids no husband like you know the husband it's not like the husband and the kids are there eating. It's like about what she's doing. And listen, I know there's some dudes like that. I know there are dudes married with kids taking pictures of their shirtless with

their abs. So this goes both ways. But if you want to see who's married to a piece of shit, just go look at what people are posting of themselves and i think that that's your answer or what if you're a comedian you just want a private life so you don't post pictures i don't post any of that shit no weirdos out there i'm not doing that i just only thing i post i post uh i just post shit for gigs or for other people's gigs and stuff. I got to get a little better about that, though. Doing like content and shit. But there's like fucking people, man.

They post like four fucking times a day. I end up just hitting mute. I feel like you're my roommate. I don't need to know every fucking thing you're doing. I don't give a shit. Is that what you just... Did you just go for a jog? Oh, wow.

See, there's a difference. Yeah, there's a difference between. What's that your last word cut out? What? I'm just joking about they post about everything. Like, these are my new pants. What do you guys think? Yeah.

No, it's like if somebody lost 100 pounds and they're showing their genes, I'm all for that. But it's the person that's showing you do the 20 push-ups, and then they get up out of breath like, another day. I'm not getting that work in. Get it in. Everybody go out there and get it in. They act like they're trying to inspire you.

It's like, dude, it's still about you. Stop it. Oh, God, I love you. Takes a vanity shot and then writes a bunch of spiritual shit underneath it. It's like, what the fuck? I am, dude, I swear to God. Are you a wolf?

Are you a wolf? Or is it because a wolf does this? That's a dumb shit. Warriors don't need sleep. Five o'clock in the morning. When someone comes up to you and they

shake your hand and they look away, that lets you know that they're trying to fucking get into your fortress all of this stupid shit it's just like first of all most of those people it's like you know i just feel like they're just doing that for themselves i just love the random you'll hear just somebody just advice audio of advice played over like, I don't know what, somebody driving a cool car. And it's all just like sort of put together like a movie. And it's like, I don't even know if this person is successful.

There is a fucking whole genre on social media of people acting as though they figured life out yeah i know a bit about that people who have a paragraph of self-help on their shoulder blade it's like oh is that for me am i supposed to be reading that and i'm supposed to i'm gonna then learn your wisdom i like when it's else's fucking they got somebody else's somebody else said the shit and now put it on your body acting like yeah man i agree with this like i am this or is this like your motto is this what you live by it's like budweiser we're budweiser we are the king of beers we know of no other beers they're doing that to their own body. Speaking of the king, we went to Martin Luther King.

Are you a king or are you a serf? Are you running your kingdom or is somebody coming over your drawbridge and you're sitting there without your spear up? They bringing you food or you bringing it? No. Are you a hunter or are you a gatherer better to be gathering when people are hunting than to be hunting when people are gathering all right i'll tell you what because i'm gonna survive i'm gonna i'm not the one that's another one i'm not the one okay fuck with other people You don't fuck I'm not the one

Fuck I'll tell you that right now Really you're not the one We're all the one When the fucking situation is right We are all the one There's always somebody That can come in

And kick your ass Suck a punch Chew when you're not looking You are the one There's one guy These motherfuckers don't want pain You want to stay in your bed when it's warm and comfortable And as soon as he said that I was like yeah

I'm getting exhausted I got kids Rise and grind Money don't sleep It's like all of you guys Sound fucking miserable Oh dude I was on stage the other night at the stand and i go i'm tired of you stupid couples because they were young couples i go i'm tired

of you stupid couples saying the dumbest shit on social media like happy 11 year anniversary to my ride or die to my ride i go guys she's not dying for you she's not fucking dying for you dude please i go yeah she's the ride until the road gets bumpy and then she's not dying for you she's not fucking dying for you dude please i go yeah she's the ride until the road gets bumpy and then she's getting in another fucking car you fucking dummy right and then she's complaining for the bumps in the road yeah you're too moronic i tried to help you i'm just exhausted i have nothing left for you yo my queen that we paid for because I'm used to a certain lifestyle. Yo, only the best for my queen.

This is my queen. It's like, fuck up, dude. Yeah, this is my queen. Fuck up. You ain't treating your bitch like a queen, and that queen is a bitch. You know what I'm saying? No, I don't know what you're saying but i uh i'm also not listening to your advice i don't like when self-help is yelled at me oh my god i like the quotes that are normal

like sometimes i'll put them on where a guy's like yeah do this and do this and you'll be happy in life and i'm like oh that makes sense like but i'm never the guy going like you see, you see this? You see this? It's about dedication. What are you dedicated to? Some motherfuckers out here being lazy, not getting shit. Why do you think that is? It's not a secret. I get it.

You work hard. There's a lot of luck involved. You try to be a nice person. Exactly. No, dude, I got to tell you on that realistic self-help, realistic and that it makes sense. And then also you're also admitting to all of your shortcomings. I'll say this. I would call myself help with, hey, I'm not saying that I ever did this in life, but from what I've heard. Yeah, that's what I'll say this. There are some dudes that just get it.

They say it calmly and they say something that could wake you up and spark something. And then there are the guys, like you said, yelling obvious. They're like they claim motivational speakers and they are just yelling obvious. You want to work hard? Then you go, you don't want. And it's like, you're going to be confident. You believe in yourself. And it's like, that's where it's like, all right, this guy's fucking stealing money.

This guy's stealing money. I believe the kids call that fake deep. Fake deep. There's so much that it's acting like it's this mind blowing shit. It's like, this is common sense. You're just doing it over footage of something cool like a sunset and i'm supposed to believe that that that's the view out your the front of your house i don't know what it is um so i take the kids to martin luther king day madison square

garden which the knicks always play at home around either 12 or 1 o'clock in the afternoon. They do a big celebration. They have... Martin Luther King on Instagram. Yo, I have a dream! If you don't have a fucking dream in life, then you're sleeping! If Instagram

was around in the 60s. Oh, shit. Abraham Lincoln on Instagram in the 60s. Oh, shit. Abraham Lincoln on Instagram in the 1800s. Yo, four scores seven years ago, motherfucker. I said I was going to do this shit. What about Hitler? I said I was going to be president.

Everybody said you're too tall. Fuck all you bitches. I'm going to the theater. What about Hitler? Geisen schleicher. Fucking hashtag. That's like a meme. Schleicher.

Schleicher. Just like. Hashtag Nazi rules. Geisenbagger. Oh, shit. Yeah, you do the seat pile, and then you kind of do this in the end of it. No, instead of going like

that, you're doing like this. It'd be... It'd be like going like this. Sammy Sosa. Oh, shit. Dude, that's a great bit. Hitler on fucking Instagram. Hitler on Joan Rivers.

Joan Rivers. Joan Rivers, rest her soul. One of the shows she did when she was an old woman, she just goes, Amelia Earhart would be tweeting, where the fuck am I? Dude, she's fucking amazing. One of the most amazing fucking comedians ever. No, dude.

So we're at MSG, Martin Luther King, and I'm the big jumbotron. And shout out to Joe G, buddy Joe Gonzalez, man. He hooked us up, dude. We were in this Marriott suite. It was amazing. Here's how spoiled my kids are i said to my my daughter sophie i go hey baby i go you like being in the suite here at the garden she goes i've never not been in a suite and i was like all right well we're gonna get we're gonna

go sit in the normal seats after yeah this was a favor okay no dude they put martin luther king so in between breaks during timeouts there's either gonna going to be old Knicks, Willis Reed or whoever talking. Who's the one that knew your album? What's his name? Earl Monroe. So they're talking about it. And then they would just put a picture of Dr. Martin Luther King up with a quote. And then like they would do something between every break. And then at this point they just put martin luther king's face on the jumbotron and he just hit happy birthday to you and me and joe gonzalez just like dude what the fuck like that's not the song he would want it was like a festive like happy birthday he would probably want isn't that the black version of happy birthday as opposed to our white version happy birthday to you i don't know if it was the version they played but it was so

festive and then it looked like a memorial it looked like they probably looked celebrating his life i would imagine yeah but either way it was fucking awesome. And the Knicks lost. What can you do? But being there, you know, you know, I'm a big amenities guy, dude. Not having to go to the bathroom with strangers, getting up and just grabbing. Dude, they had like they had all kinds. I got a sweet is overrated. Oh, dude. I mean, how you how so? Because the food sucks.

It always fucking sucks. There's a whole bunch of mediocre fucking food. It fucking blows. You're not there with the crowd. Everybody's walking around and then you don't really have a seat. So you actually want to sit and watch the fucking game. The second you get up to get those stupid little mini hot dogs and the fucking thing on the stick or whatever, you come back, some fucking little on the stick or whatever you come back some fucking little kid is there or some shit and then you're standing up the rest i just feel like it's like i might as well i had just stood in my living room and done this we want to be at the fucking

game i want to be sitting in the crowd well we had our seats i want to be away i want to be away from the field i want to be where the funny people still are. But the fucking the stupid. The shit that they show on the screen is so nonstop. They shut down all the class clowns. They used to be one funny guy in every section. Yeah, it was like my thing, man, making people laugh at the game. Yeah, but that's causes fights.

That's why. That's why they shut it down because it turned into the fun guy to now fucking somebody throws a beer on that guy and then there's a fucking brawl because people don't know how to behave dude i gotta tell you nfl games what do you want i mean you're serving alcohol it's gonna happen it wasn't everybody everyone i mean it wasn't every section. Right. Just a couple of times. So now I got to watch which choo-choo train you think is going to win. Number one, number two, or number three.

Section five wins some donuts. That's very true. I don't like that. I don't like when everybody runs out on the fucking field every five fucking seconds. It drives me up the wall that's what's great about hockey football doesn't have it baseball and i think uh i think baseball and hockey they do the fucking jumbotron shit and i noticed when i went to the um atlanta falcons mercedes-benz thing there was just all kinds of shit like that yeah but but but it's funny you

said that because i was gonna say that's the the most respectful NFL game I've ever been to. It was St. Fans standing up, talking shit, looking to Falcons fans, then Falcons fans would stand up, talk shit. And then they would just smile at each other and nod. It was like a respectful, nice, like Southern thing where dude, where the giants play in the Cowboys. I've seen it get fucking ugly in there. Like when they did like the history of the Giants, one Cowboy fan standing up and he's like, fuck out of here, man. Fuck out of here. And it was just like, no, that actually happened. That actually like I know you have your Super Bowl. We have our Super Bowls and they're just showing history.

And also one of the legends could be here like he's going, man, fuck out of here. Fuck. And it was like, I didn't see that in Atlanta, in Atlanta, it was all like kind of love. So I gotta be honest, man. I'm good with watching NFL from home from now on, unless a group of us go and we have a little section and have a good time. I'm not dude, I'm not doing it. My son was like getting like my brother and son were there. And this guy's like standing over us like no man what am i gonna do the guy's gonna spill something i'm gonna end up fighting in front of my kids i don't understand those people when i went to the packers lambeau field against the seahawks yeah it was a seahawks fan there and they were singing the national anthem

this guy's going he was wasted just going oh fuck the the Packers. Suck a dick. Suck a dick. Fuck the Packers. He was literally saying there was like kids around and stuff. And I'm just sitting there. And I'm seeing all of these Packer fans turning around. And I'm just going like, somebody, please. Just knock this guy out.

Who has no assets and nothing to lose. Just fucking. The way this guy was acting. It's like, dude, you've never gotten your ass kicked in your life. Dude. He was touching people's heads.

Bill, when you were, when you went to the bathroom and you came back, when me and you went to Bill's jets and you came back and you go, dude, I had a Patriots hat on and somebody pushed me in the back. If I'm there next to you, I was going to take a piss,

but here's the problem. If I'm there, if I'm there with you and I What I had my dick got when I was going to take a piss. But here's the problem. If I'm there with you and I see that, we get kicked out because I fucking, I pushed a kid. I'm not going to watch that. I'm going to tell you right now. If we are ever outnumbered and we're in a men's room, don't ever, just, you just, that is the worst place to get the shit stomped out of you. Those floors, the sinks, you don't want to hit your head or anything and then you're laying in fucking piss and shit fuck i would have been like i would have been like oh you're tough pushing my buddy when his dick's in his hand why don't you push

me i'm not holding my dick and then i'd smack him in his face fuck that dude i'm watching it at home talking a lot of shit from his compound you know know what I do in that Buffalo Bills fucking bathroom? So let me ask. Okay, so we'll reverse it. Do you think I'm there and I watch him push you and I don't say or do anything? You know me. Hey, hey, hey. Relax. Relax. Don't escalate it.

No, no. Dude, I'm half hammered. Then what you're going to do is then I'm going to get clocked and I'm going to go down with my dick out and that's how they're going to find me. I don't needed. Then what you're going to do is then I'm going to get clocked and I'm going to go down with my dick out. And that's how they're going to find me. I don't need that. I love how you put me as the voice of reason,

half in the bag too, in a fucking restaurant. Hey, let's not escalate this. Andrew, were you going to say something? I felt like you were going to say something. No, it's bad. It reminded me of DeRosa's joke About how all the NFL stadiums Used to have cool names like Veterans Memorial And how that meant something to fans

But like Lincoln Financial Like some guy who's puking up On his own tits That reminds me Let me check my longs Oh, Andrew Froese again You still there, Paul? Yeah, I'm here

It's recording Oh, it is, okay Yeah, what's the Staples here. It's recording. Oh, it is. Okay. Yeah, what's the Staples Center? It's not like... We lost you, dude. Sorry. You literally... No, no, you literally

started talking and then it froze and then at the end you go, so there it is. It was like... No, you got DeRosa's joke in roses joking you might know god god didn't want to hear that the rose a joke in that moment uh no but it's true though is that what is it the bitcoin staple center now whatever the fuck no the sun there's one in atlanta it's like i where the i think where the braves play or i could be wrong, but it went from SunTrust to now it's like this long, fucking just weird, weird name.

Yeah, no one's going to say it. That's like Candlestick. They still call it the stick. I don't even know what it's supposed to be called. Greatest stadium you've ever sat in as far as seat. Viewpoints were amazing. You felt like you were there the the way it looked was great and and the game was the visually the game was great where's the best place you've ever seen

in any sport in any sport now that you said great visuals i can't throw the boston garden in there because it was all kinds of obstructed view. Yeah, they call that sight lines. Like, they'll be like, oh, this place has great sight lines. Everything just is, the new ones are just, they fixed all of those problems. But I would say as far as like the classic old ones, the best one I ever went to, wow, that's a good one. Yankee Stadium was great Fenway Park um Wrigley

Tiger Stadium was great a lot of the old ballparks were great as much as I hate to say this I didn't I've never watched a ball game at Fenway but when I went in there with you, when it was empty and I go, Oh my God, I go, these people are like on the field in their seats. Like that. I was just like the fact that it looked like that. And you could watch a major league game to me that looked like I'm trying to think of the football. That was my theory with the Oakland A's, why they kept having all those great pitches. Pittsburgh Pirates was my favorite place to watch a baseball game, football. I loved when we went to Cincy. Don't love the Giants.

I've got to be honest. It's okay, but I don't love it. I'm sorry, you were saying? My theory with Oakland A's just kept having Cy Young winner after Cy Young winner, all these guys with low ERAs. kept having Cy Young winner after Cy Young winner, all these guys with low ERAs. My theory on that was half their games of the year was played in the Oakland Coliseum, which was also a football stadium.

There was so much foul territory. The amount of foul balls that get hit, that would be like 20 seats in at Fenway and were outs. And the guy, you know, the at bat was over. I mean, I felt like it gave pitchers, you know, an outer to, you know, it might be too high, but it gives you a fucking out a performance. I thought an appearance. Yeah.

And I remember back that up with, you know, analytics there, Paul, but no, no, I believe I remember watching playoff games with Oakland, and the third baseman would run like 30 yards and still catch it. And any other ballpark, it's in the seats, and it sucked. Yeah, it was a big-time advantage to them. Having said that, I love the Oakland A's. Remember watching football games where the baseball infield

was in the middle of the football field? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. During like September. And guys like Eric Dickerson would have like dirt on the back of his jersey. You know? And they'd get to like the pitcher's mound. And then the AstroTurf fields,

they would cover them up. They'd have like a little toupee they'd to like the pitcher's mound then the astroturf fields they would cover them up they'd have like a little toupee they'd put over the pitcher's mound home home plate uh home plate first second and third um but the worst ones were the ones that actually had like a natural infield it was so fucking ugly yeah um yeah the the sports i'm telling you man was was not was not pretty when i was growing up as far as aesthetically uh there was just a bunch of old piss troughs for kids and shit with adults with their big dicks fucking hanging i'm the first time i went to fenway park you faced each other pissing into a fucking there was a trough something in the middle with like water and then another trough there was all these guys with like their fucking dicks out hammered it's like a dick and ball

lineup looking across that's how we ended up doing that in eftis for family when little bill went into the stadium and he fucking came out his eyes were all fucked up that happened to me at fenway i came walking out like trying to process the fucking genitalia uh yeah i don't want my kid fucking you you got a like eight-year-old kid going in there seeing some 54-year-old guy's balls yeah dude you were like it's like dick level you just just above and your kid you and your kid get back to the seat. You're like, we need to run, right? He's like, yeah.

Yeah, you want to get a hot dog? Yeah, no. No, I think I'm good. In fact, I don't want any food for the rest of the game. I don't know. Let's get out of here. What a podcast this has been. You know, this has been, this is just another great one.

Guys, we want to thank everybody for buying all the merchandise for anything better. We want to thank you guys for listening and please tell a friend, spread the word. You could listen to anything better on Spotify, iTunes, anywhere you get your podcasts. Please listen to the Monday morning podcast, the Verzi effect, all of our YouTube stuff, my YouTube channel, check out paulverzi.com. February 4th and 5th, I'll be at the Fairfield Connecticut Comedy Club. And I will be doing one night only, February 24th, at the Pittsburgh Improv. So you could check me out there.

I have Austin, Texas coming up. Tampa Bay coming up. Rhode Island. We're working on other dates. Buffalo. A bunch of stuff. So go to paulverzi.com and yeah.

This is... And our apologies last week to all the gamblers out there, man. We're going to get them this week. We usually don't do that to you. We gave you a bum stare on every fucking game. Except the only one we picked was the Rams.

Yeah, it was... Listen uh listen listen we did a bunch of teases we got ahead of ourselves either way no but you know what we made people money you guys know what it was seven and a half games above 500 who does that nobody does that look i know you're only as good as last week you're always good as last week we got to make it up this week all right that's it everybody Thank you guys for listening. My apologies that I had to reschedule the show. I'm just hoping that I stay negative here. But I'm going to do extra time when I come out there to Fantasy Springs.

I'm really sorry, everybody. But it is what it is. It's another spike here. All right? We'll see you. you you