Anything Better? - At A Professional Level

Episode Date: May 22, 2021

What's up everybody and welcome back to the best new podcast on planet earth anything better episode 17 with myself Paul Berzy, Bill Burr, producer extraordinaire, Andrew Semlis. And I just want to start episode 17 by saying, go New York, go New York, go. The New York Knicks have clinched the four seed, giving them home court advantage in this year's playoffs for the first time since 2013. They are in the playoffs. I think it's even more years than that for the fourth seed. And, Bill, I'm not going to lie to you. When they clinched it and by winning a game to get the fourth seed

in home court, I was – Who did they beat, Paul? Who did they beat? They beat – I don't know. You beat us. Yeah, but no, no, no. Yes, they did beat you at the end, but you guys weren't playing your starters. The game before that was the one that really kind of they needed to get that game uh the game before you guys which i believe we beat the wizards last night i thought that was the

beginning of a playoff series that's how out of the loop i am i didn't realize that was a one game playoff so uh yeah So now you guys go against my hated, Oh, I'm going to be a Celtics fan. Oh, I'm going to be a big Celtics fan next week when you guys play those fucking rats. I can't imagine if we knocked them off all that money that they spent. It's a really sort of disjointed team though. So I think they are. That's what Kenny the Jet Smith said Kenny the Jet Smith you know Barkley and Shaq were like oh this is gonna be easy for the Nets and Kenny the Jet Smith goes I don't know man he goes I could see this thing I don't know I also liked

what the coach Brad Stevens was saying I think the Celtics are going to go in there. Dude, you guys got Tatum. You got Smart. Kemba Walker's playing really good right now. And you got Brown. He had a huge game yesterday. Dude, if those four – Is Jalen Brown back? I know he was hurt. Is he back?

He was out, but I think they're just waiting for the – But, dude, those four guys, oh, God, if you pull that off, I'm going to love it. I'm going to love it. I'm going to love it. I don't think that the thing about Brooklyn is Durant is a killer, man. Yeah. Much shit as he gets for piling on in Golden State and everything, that guy is a killer, man.

That guy. Oh, he's great. He just shoots the lights out. The other guys, you know, a little up and down. The bearded Bill Cosby-looking dude just plays no defense. I don't get that guy. It's like I'm going to score 40, but my guy's going to score 30. It's kind of like can't you increase that gap a little more?

Wait, who's the bearded Bill Cosby? James Harden. He looks like Bill Cosby in the 70s. When Bill Cosby had a big mustache and a beard. That's who I always think of. I see that. That's good. Bill Cosby could grow a great beard and mustache.

You know what I mean? By the way, I guess we should start off this podcast. Rest in peace, Paul Mooney. I know. My God. Comedy giant, stand-up writer actor so um you know 79 years old and uh used to write for Richard Pryor was on the Richard Pryor show they did that great roast um all of those unbelievable shows he did throughout the years over Carolines. That's how I really got to see him. Dave Chappelle introduced me to him on The Chappelle Show.

I got to know him then. And just, I just, he always just seemed like he was having such a good time, too, when he was doing stand-up and messing with people, you know? One thing I remember is he did a show. I don't know if it was a Dangerfield thing. He did a showcase that was on HBO or TV that I saw. I think Dice was on it. And when he got on stage, there was a lot of heckling and yelling.

And he got into it with somebody. And then there were no jokes. And the way he handled it, he goes, you got to just stop and have respect. And the guy goes, no, I don't. He goes, well, you have to. You have to have respect. And he just like, he's one of the first comedians that I ever seen just make it not be a show or funny and actually really just talk to somebody from the stage going, well, you have to have respect.

I'll never forget that. It was a rowdy, hard crowd. And then he just went into his thing, but he handled it. I got a good one for you. Joey Yannetti sent me this. Great comic. I first worked with him in Boston. He sent me this.

Here's his Paul Mooney story. This is from Joey Yannetti. All right, Joey Yannetti. Here we go. One time at Dangerfields, this lady came up to him and was questioning something he had said about white women. lady came up to him and was questioning something he had said about white women. He just looked at her and said something like, you're obviously fucking a black man and your husband has no idea. He goes, I was a bit shocked and had no idea why he said that. Then even more shocked and amazed that it was so obvious that he was correct because she just was horrified and slinked away.

It amazed me and I must have said, how the fuck did you know too many times and he just smiled as if to say because that happens after every show he used to like caroline's was in like the perfect place for him where it was when it was really became like a touristy place so these people would just come walking in you know they drag him in from time square on those you know middle of the week shows and he would come in and just have a ball with them and like like every time i would see that guy on stage i felt like half the crowd loved him and the other half of the crowd just fucking wanted to kill him and he would just be up there dying like he'd be looking at the people that weren't liking him smile the

people that were and then just like point at him and start laughing i always felt like there was uh uh i don't know as much as he was like really heavy the stuff he taught there was a joy to his act when he was doing it he He would talk about some really, really like horrible shit that white people did to black people, but he could do it in this way and smile afterwards. He really was a, he was a master, man.

Yeah. Like, it seems like he was almost like an educator, but in a humor and like a humor type of way, he would like drop these like kind of heavy things and like i've heard stories of him saying stuff where it didn't go so well where he would just be up there fucking giving a history class but like he did it in a humorous way and he did it for him good for him man that's that's the shit yeah yeah good run man he's like

80 81 that's a good number though at least it isn't another comic dying too young you know no i think that yeah i think they said like 79 um that's right he would have been 80 in august what uh where's he from like where's he originally from i have no idea i just always knew him like patrice was the one going he used to write for richard prior i really goes, all those albums he listened to, like he was throwing them tags and all of this stuff. And so I think the first time I might have saw him, I was with Patrice, you know, going down Carolines and all of that.

I just saw a story, Bennington. The great Ron Bennington had him on his unmasked in 2009. And they just posted a clip where he said Richard came in the comedy store like after he was sick and he was all nervous and paranoid. He goes, man, I don't know if I'm going to go up there. I don't know if I could go up there. And Paul Mooney goes, dude, what's wrong with you, man? What the fuck is like? What's wrong with you? And he goes, the drugs were making him paranoid. I don't know why I can go up there. And he said, I just looked at him. I said, Richard, you're acting like a prostitute who's afraid to turn a trick. And he said he said he said that Richard just started immediately laughing and was and was totally cool with it again.

So, yeah, man, I couldn't imagine that. What's that? He was born in Louisiana and moved to Oakland when he was seven. i couldn't imagine that what's that he was born in louisiana and moved to oakland when he was uh seven okay louisiana yeah eddie murphy told that great paul mooney story on john witherspoon paul mooney story on uh yes on jimmy kimmel yes uh i remember that and paul paul mooney made you eddie murphy and you too, white man. If I had a gun, I'd shoot you both. And he turned around and walked away. Oh, Eddie made them apologize.

That's right. No, Richard made them apologize to Eddie, I think. Oh, right. Just watch it on Jimmy Kimmel. We'll end up screwing it up if we do. Yeah, we're like, no it up if we do. Yeah. We're like, no, Gilbert Gottfried said. Yeah.

It was on Seth Meyers, too. Oh, it was Seth Meyers. Maybe he said it on Seth Meyers. Yeah. I think it was Seth Meyers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're fucking this whole thing up. Rest in peace, Paul Mooney.

Sorry we're forgetting where the hell you told all these great stories or whoever told the great stories and uh and rest in peace john witherspoon that was a while ago but i got to work with him and he was great he was an old detroit guy who used to work in the car factory so it's just amazing like that class and those legends like what the nights that they had you know because i think about the nights that that we all have with the sticks and the doing this and the doing that and the doing that. And the stories are fucking amazing, man. But it's nice when they will be 80 and will be dead. Let's I want to do this.

I don't want to talk about this anymore. I know like 60 comedians that are dead. I'm like, at what point is it going to be me? No, no, no, no, no. Oh, that'll never happen to you. You're immortal. The dick jokes will go on forever, kid. Oh, look.

Get up, you son of a bitch. Hey, Paul, the Knicks are the fourth seed in the playoffs, so you know anything's possible. Listen, I think we're going to shock the world, Bill. I think this is what I think. You're going to shock the world, Bill. I think this is what I think. You're going to shock the world doing what? I think we're going to shock the world by going really much deeper in this thing than people think.

All right, first of all, the world is not worried about what the Knicks are doing. We've always got a reel in what you say, Paul. You're also a fourth seed with a great defense. Now, historically speaking, the Knicks shouldn't be there, but the way you played is exactly where the fuck you should be. So let's stop with this Muhammad Ali like you're playing fucking George Foreman here. No, no, no. You're wrong.

We shook up the world. We went to the second round of the NBA playoffs. The basketball world. Sting like a bee. Listen to me, Bill Burr. Out in six games round two the basketball world and the sporting world will get stunned no listen i think with our deal it in paul no in our in all seriousness went from the world now you're the basketball world

i think they care in europe paul i think the New York Knicks, with their defense, are going to have actually a rough time. The tri-state area. The tri-state area. Halfway into Connecticut. The tri-state area. From Madison Square Garden to Washington Bridge. 148th Street.

Alright, Washington Square... No. As in Leeper surprised when the Knicks win this first round and go to the second round. I'm going to say this, and I think that there could be the truth to this. I think we're going to have a little bit of a tough time against Atlanta, but pull it out because we have home court, maybe in game seven. But then, then, I think we may have a chance, if we get through the first round, to get to the Eastern Conference Finals. I can go with that.

I can go with that every year in a fourth seed. I know, but you got the 76ers and the Milwaukee Bucks and the Nets. And fucking who knows what you guys are going to do. Because you guys could fucking take on. All you need is one of them to fall. Two of them play each other. I guess the two wouldn't play each other. You can do it, Paul.

You can't do it. It's like right now, Mike Bruins, right? We get by the Capitals. We got the Penguins and the Islanders beating the shit out of each other right now. Okay? So all we need to do is for one of those teams is going to lose. And then the other one to just drag them for seven games. And that helps our chances. I'm going to be watching. This is what we do. You go big and I bring it back down. Probably a little bit too much to reality. You started that up. I think the Knicks are going to shake up the world.

Shock the sports world. No, no, no no you said shook up the world right but that's what i mean i i know that people in to belize don't care people in belize don't care yeah i had the world watch the soccer yeah yeah i have people in vietnam are gonna have the tvs on going like because i've always it's always annoyed me as a celtics fan that we were sitting on 17 fucking championships and but the madison square garden was still considered the mecca of basketball until i read the definition i'm like a mecca just means a gathering place yes like where a lot of games are played. Yes. People have gathered to come in and beat the Knicks. A lot of people have gathered there. But there's something about the way, oh, it's a basketball Mecca. There's like this thing that there's some sort of success with the Knicks.

It's more of how many legends have come out of New York City and the people that go and the level of celebrity that you want to go there and play well. But it has nothing to do, Paul. I'm sorry. No, no. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it has nothing to do with the Knicks. No, no, no. It's on the Knicks' shoulder, Paul. It was on the Knicks' shoulder. I would know the name of the Sacramento Kings arena before I would know the name of Madison Square Garden. That's a hot take. We're taking calls.

It is more about the Garden than the Knicks, 100%. And you're right. That's why they call it the Mecca, because the Big East tournament was always there. A lot of college tournaments were there. Championship fights. Championship fights. Frank Sinatra college tournaments were there. Championship fights. Championship fights. Frank Sinatra's comeback.

Yeah. Yeah. Fish did like 27 shows there one time, jumping on trampolines. The set I had there when I opened for you. The set Paul Verzi has, then the Knicks. Which set? The set in 2015? Or the one in 2018? we got to know here uh what what when i opened for you at the garden the first time i said on stage i said you know

it's sad when the number 12 in the rap this was for billy. It was literally for Billy Joel. It was Billy Joel's consecutive sellout. Billy Joel had more impressive banners, yeah. He had more shit in the Raptors. I want to see the Knicks take it all because there is nothing funnier than seeing a grown man cry. And I want to see you holding that hat to your face,

weeping into it in in tears of joy slash shame because you're worried someone's filming it if if the knicks wanted i wouldn't cry but i would i'd be fucking paul paul i you would fucking do a cartwheel run out into your giant backyard and get out of the light of your house so no one could see you. And you would go in there and you'd just see the silhouette of your shoulders. You're just weeping. I want to see that.

So that's one of my favorite things in sports. If my home team is not going to win it, I want to see the team where the fans have been suffering the longest because the first time i remember seeing that was the the night that vividly remember was the 94 new york rangers and seeing how how happy the ranger fans were i remember watching that thinking that's good it's going to be like whether red sox ever win the world series yeah you got to live that dude you got to live that fucking bliss you got to live that fucking dude our friend josh adam myers oh my god i actually had to ask him if it was serious or a

joke when the capitals won there's a there's a video of him going dude i was like he literally was like like emotional and i i was with him you can't film that man you gotta do that privately he josh filmed it and then put it on his social and he was so fucking and i said to him when we hung out i go dude were you fucking around yo were you fucking around he goes dude no he goes i just he goes no bro i was totally serious yo the capitals this deep voice fucking crying um i still remember where i was when when the red sox won when uh was it keith folk yeah lobbed it over to Doug Minkiewicz. I still remember that. And I just remember being like, it just seemed like forever,

that ball going from him into Minkiewicz's glove. And it was less like, and I just went, the Red Sox are the 2004 World Series champions. Do you believe it? And I don't even know if that was the call that might have been the one on the radio yeah that's the one on the radio i heard see that's what happens is then you watch the highlight you think like yeah that happened to bart didn't and i just remembered uh i it just was just it be you know it was so much fun beyond watching them win was watching how happy the fans were

just watching them being excited and the thing about it is you only get that once you know but then you win it a few more years later it's fucking still awesome but it's not that we finally did it

it's not the end of shit talking against your team like i imagine st louis blues fans when they beat the bruins i can't imagine like when they finally you know they do they'd been in the league since 67 never won a cup they finally it took them like 50 fucking years dude 50 think dude 50 years and nowadays because there's only there's like 30 to 32 teams in every sport going 50 years is pretty easy now yeah it's pretty easy because if you get a couple two three dominant teams you know they're gonna take up like you know, they're going to take up like, you know, a couple of decades or whatever. Four or five teams can eat up a couple of decades.

Now you only got 25 years to win it against 29 other teams, 25, 20, 30 other teams. It can go by like, like if you win one, one every 30 years, you're, you're, it's average. So really you should only kind of win like 3 to 4 a century so for all if you really do the math like that for sports fans out there you really have to appreciate

like now that Tom Brady is gone okay if this kid from Alabama works out who knows what happens but he doesn't bill belichick is 70 and there's a deal when the fuck are we ever good again when does that when does that like what just happened is over brady belichick is over that'll do that'll never you're never gonna see that again or you'll no wait'm sorry. You'll have to wait. The NFL saw it in the

1950s with, with Paul Brown and Otto Graham, and you had to wait 50 years for it to happen again. So that just ended. So you're, if, if that, those things stay the same, the next time that happens, dude, is in 2070, 2071, and I'll be 103 years old. Yeah, no, dude. Listen, never say never. I don't know if you go on that run. You know, it's funny when you guys won the World Series in 04. I have an uncle that we love and respect.

Great guy, successful. And I go, yeah, man. I go, that was tough, man. They beat us and then they won. And he goes, it's good for baseball. And I always felt good about that. And then I realized he's a fucking Met fan, and he probably hated the Yankees. So that's why he told me as a kid.

But it is good. No, it is good. It was good for baseball when the Cubs won. It was good when Kansas City won. It was good when the Astros won. I don't give a shit about that trash can. Baseball's fucking nuts dude roided up free agents on 200 million dollar teams are not those championships are

counted you bang on a fucking trash can to let me know what change-ups coming in home games and then all of a sudden like dude but that's like overt cheating it's just like the 200 like the fucking incredible hulk What you, what you said before, I agree with a hundred percent. And I was wrong about this. I used to think, I used to think, well, we have the money. We want to spend it. You know, I told you, I went, I used to, um, caddy at this, uh, prestigious golf golf course. And the guy was friends with the owner of the Baltimore Orioles. And he told me, he goes, yeah, he's just not going to spend that money.

He goes, he's making money and he's not going to spend or try to compete with Steinbrenner in that. And at the moment, I was just like, well, fuck it then. He's going to lose because we're going to pay. But I do see what the NFL has done. And if there's ever been a product, if there's ever been a product that is proof and an example, it's what the NFL does because now the Jacksonville Jaguars could, could be what their draft.

That's what I like about the NFL. There, there aren't like fans left behind. Like you're in this market, you don't have the money to compete. So just enjoy your number one draft picks and seeing these great guys for a season or two before they leave. I think hockey's pretty good at it too, but whatever. We've discussed this before. Can I tell you my new car obsession, dude? Yeah. The Ford Custom 500, 1968. All right.

1968 all right i used to always be a ford galaxy guy and uh the the entry level one was called a ford custom i think at first it was a 100 then a 300 then a 500 or something like that so this thing was like a sleeper it was like you get in two or four doors you get a manual shift like a four speed they had an overdrive option but you could get like a sick fucking engine in there um if you got like the top of the line one but it wasn't like a galaxy and i was watching uh dirty harry and and callahan eastwood's character was driving around on this fucking, I'm like, what the fuck is that, man, that's, I knew the taillights, I'm like, that's a Ford, because I saw it in the front, it kind of looked like a Chrysler, I saw the back, so I kind of looked those things up,

so then I went online and tried to find a four-door 68, 500, dude, they don't exist, because people held on to the Galaxies, because they were like, you know, the step up. And yeah, there it is. Look at that blue one, dude. That car right there. And you could get that fucking thing. That's nice. Dude, I would love to buy that thing, fix it up and fucking find one, fix it up and then have it.

Yeah, click on that green one dude yeah click on that one that one's just sold okay now just get to like the in like i'll see the engine let's see the engine what do they got here what do they got the thing oh it got some nice white leather in there 259 so it was you know, it was a V8 engine. But I saw one that had a bigger block. It might not have been original. But, dude, look at that bench seat. Look at that stick shift.

I mean, how much fucking fun would that thing to be able to drive that thing around? Look how simple inside. It's amazing. I know. The only thing I worry about in those cars is if somebody comes in and hits you you die like it's 1968 there's no crumples there it is look at that it's like a couch it's like a fucking couch yeah that's air conditioning in it too i love those thin it's just old school the thin steering bigger, and they're a little bigger. Yeah.

Nice engine. I'm a Ford guy, dude. I love those things. So anyway, thanks, Andrew. I've been watching all of these old, like, 70s, like, cop shows and, like, the buddy movies, like, Thunderbolt, Lightfoot, going through some Dirty Harry movies. I watched a bunch of Burt Menel shit. It's kind of how I'm like handling the end of the pandemic. I'm going back to a time when my life was simple.

Not saying the world's life was simple, but my life as a little frigging redheaded kid, like the 70s, collecting football cards and shit. I just go back and I look at them. It's funny, I'm watching those movies and I'm just looking going like my babysitter had a red, she had either a red galaxy or she had a red custom 500, but she had it like the early seventies. So it was kind of like five, six years old. So. HelloFresh. What is HelloFresh? With HelloFresh, you get fresh, pre-measured ingredients and mouth-watering seasonal recipes delivered right to your door. Skip trips to the grocery store and count on HelloFresh to make home cooking easy, fun, and affordable.

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about. I just want to go back out on the road and do some fucking shows i you know what though man it's like i'm getting like that too i remember when i would stay at my dad's house i would go to the movie theater alone a movie theater is like a kind of a sanctuary for me it's i think when my parents are divorced because i just love going to the movie i would go to anything too i would go I remember being alone at like 12, 13. And I just sat in the movie. A river runs through it. These fucking guys are like fucking fly fishing. And I'm just sitting there. But there's something about like the simplicity of that. And yeah, man, I that's and in a weird way, I'm going to miss this pandemic because something happened that never happened in my life before. Probably never going to happen again, which is a good thing, because obviously people wouldn't be dying. But, dude, I stayed home with my kids every day. And then me, Stacey and the kids would play card games at night every night and we would play the games.

And then we got competitive. So we wrote out a notebook who won, who was the champ. We'd talk some shit. We would eat. We would do the whole thing, watch a movie. Then the next day. And it's like, and I got that time back that year. And now I see the traffic going back down to the city, going to the airport. Things are open.

But you can, dude, you can just, you don't have to go back to the because that's how i look at that i'm not going back to the crazy way i used to work i'm not doing that anymore like i'm gonna do like my stand-up gigs but that whole thing where like so many times when people i would come on to promote something they'd be like how do you have time to do all of this stuff and i would think like what man i'm just like working and stuff and now i realized what it really was was i had like these depression issues and that's how I stayed ahead of it by just keeping my brain busy yeah doing shit jokes and trying to write scripts and stuff but now I'm kind of like you know I really dude I fucking do Paul I worked my way through all of this shit and

like in the last six months like I for the first time in my life, I can honestly say I'm not an angry person anymore. I still have a temper. I still fucking flip out, but I don't go as crazy. And I can also get out of it. Yeah. Like I used to get fucking pissed and I couldn't,

and I'd be in my brain going, dude, stop, stop, stop. And I couldn't, it was like I had Tourette's and I was just fucking gripping that steering wheel dude and i i i could not get out of it i couldn't get out of it now i have like yeah dude it's fucked i actually know who i am now uh hey better now better now than fucking when you're fucking 70 80 laying, laying down, fucking old man.

If I was the way I was at 70, I would have been that. Hey, you fucking kids. I would have been that dude. Yeah. I have like a weird thing now, Paul, where it's like I don't even know what the fuck to talk about anymore because I'm not even like, nothing really pissed me off this week. That's always been like the springboard for my shit. So I think Paul, I'm going to dry up pretty quickly as a comedian. It's going to open up a slot for you to come in and I'll be opening for you. I think about this time, 2023. think about this time 2023 um dude i'll tell you what i was in the car today and uh my wife and i right me and my wife are doing good but she went away for a girl's weekend right and i said to her

you know i said dude when you come back you know it's on we're gonna get a little romantic you know so then she comes back i hope you didn't say it that way're going to get a little romantic, you know? So then she comes back. I hope you didn't say it that way. We're going to get a little romantic, that little snap of the head there. Hey, when you come back, it's on. We're getting a little romantic. And then I come home and, you know, things happen and it didn't happen. And now I'm on the road for five days. So dude, I was just, I almost, for the first time in my life, Bill, this is this, I swear to God, this is true. I never, ever in my life sent a dick pic ever. My dick is not out there in the universe. Cause I always said that I would never have my dick out there. I almost just came on, was sitting on the hotel bed, just getting my phone. And I was like, should I just send her

a dick pic and tell her it's on when i come home and i'm not doing that i'm not doing it women send their men out on the road like that look what it's making you do no i couldn't i couldn't man you know i could when she came home we really couldn't for you know reasons that i don't want to you know but i you know i couldn't anyway but jesus rub one out for christ's sake you're thinking crazy out there yo i never said the dick pic in my life dude i'm proud of that i'm fucking proud of that dude i'm it's not out there and all these guys like why man just fucking joke around it's like no because it's somewhere it's fucking somewhere your dick is somewhere out there i'm not doing it i'm not fucking everything is out there now then you get fucking divorced she's like little dick

photoshops i worry about shit like that you know if she could just be like, shrink it down. That would be like classic vindictive shit. Yeah. They then take the dick pic that you sent. Oh, my God, I can't wait to jump on that. Then you get divorced. Look, is it any wonder I got divorced? Look at this fucking thing, you know?

They put a little propeller hat on it. Oh, speaking of propeller hats, Andrew, let's do what we wanted to do. Dude, I got to make sure the fucking heat isn't on down here. It's all of a sudden got fucking hot as shit in here. Andrew, we have to. I love Bill's seat has the gold outline. I love the fucking gold outline with the fucking whatever that is, felt or suede. I like... She had it set

to like fucking 73. It's May. What are we doing here? Thought I was having menopause. Anything better? Fans. First of all, you fans are the best. Thank you so much. Please continue to send in your ratings, your reviews, get anything better.

Subscribe on the YouTube channel and get it on iTunes, Spotify, everywhere you get your podcasts. The numbers are great. Moving up. Please tell a friend, spread the word. We love doing the show. And now it only took 17 fucking episodes, but guess what? Everybody anything better has artwork 17 episodes is quick i i still don't have artwork from the monday morning podcast not sure you ever really wanted artwork for the money no that wasn't a dig at you it's like i wasn't i don't i don't want merch i don't want to do any of that. There it is, everybody.

There it is. Oh, this is a hat she's going to put on the tip of your dick, Paul, someday if you get divorced. And we're also going to have merchandise. We're going to put merchandise up. This is going to just be the logo of when you see the podcast, but the merchandise will have some of the other stuff, the older stuff too. But I like it. You know, at first I first i was like oh we're going old school but then i like how they

gave you the helicopter kind of pilot thing i got my sneakers on over there uh i don't know what we're looking at but i like it i definitely think it's great we're looking at the ratings paul we're looking at the ratings just rising up no we're looking at the we're looking at the ratings. The ratings is rising up. No, we're looking at the banner that's going up at the Garden when the Knicks fucking win it. That's what I'm pointing at. Yeah, you're going to have a banner for making it to the second round. Shout out to the artist Ryan J. Ebelt. Yeah, and we'll have posters, limited edition soon.

So, yeah, we'll have some fun stuff. Yeah, we're going to have some stuff, and then we'll get a little merchandise store there for you people so you can wear your summer shirts that say anything better. Verzi, you had a lot of people supporting you on your Son of Sam thing. Well, you know what? Here's the thing about it. I was thinking about something.

I'm glad you brought that up. I think I worded it wrong. Yeah. When you said there was DNA evidence, I think that that's where you worded it wrong. No, no, no. What I think what I said was, because here's all of it, all of what it is. And first of all, the guy that, the guy, unfortunately, that was the guy that was doing the report on the satanic groups and all that stuff. He passed away, I want to say, in the 90s in Yonkers, the hospital I was born in, actually. But the documentary doesn't really say anything different that we didn't know. It just adds an element like the son of Sam is still the son of Sam.

David Berkowitz is still the guy. OK, all that he was saying was those groups in that park in Yonkers that were doing satanic shit, which is already documented. My mom knew about everybody in Yonkers knew about it and the cops knew about it and the sacrificing of the dogs and the weird shit when they did have the bodies of the dogs and the bones and all that shit that Berkowitz was part of. He was just saying that other people were at the murders and some other people took part of the murders, which Berkowitz berkowitz admitted so there's no big different crack case it's just he admitted it paul it's just something he said and what i'm saying is it's a guy who's talking

to dogs right but he also later said that the dog thing was bullshit he goes the dog thing was he goes i just said that because i wanted he wanted his lawyer to use the insanity plea because he basically wanted to go to a mental institution instead of doing maximum security prison he actually told john douglas that that was bullshit so i'm not gonna try i mean look it's a guy in jail. Yeah. Saying he didn't do everything that they fucking said he did. Now that's pretty much every guy in jail. Yeah, definitely.

I don't think I've ever seen a guy be like, yeah, I did all of that shit. I did all, I did even more shit. It's always, I did less shit. It was fucking somebody else.

And then I didn't know. I just didn't understand. Like the cops had to cover it up because then they found out there was more people. It's just like, well, good on you. Good for you to keep sniffing around. Go get them. Who gives a fuck? It was such a random act. They weren't connected. It wasn't like they protected the other people. They just got this lunatic who said he was talking to dogs. They were like, all right, this is the fucking guy. And they threw him away.

And then the other guys, what, conveniently just immediately stopped? Their hunger to murder people just ended? Well, they caught him. So now we're just going to be fucking regular citizens? No, no, no. But that's what the thing said. The other guy was committed suicide and the other guy died in a car accident all within like a year the first year that he got caught that's what he was talking about so listen yeah i ain't going with the call i get it i get it he did it with these other two guys who immediately died afterwards within a year

and then i proved it paul documentaries i watched that. I watched that fucking one with the fat guy there who fucking thinks anybody who wears a blue tie is the shit. Who? Michael Moore. Oh, how did you? I watched his documentary, and he made me think like there weren't any bad people in Canada. And that you can leave the door wide open,

and oh, you know, they'll go and we grab some maple syrup. He did that because he wanted to vilify what he wanted to vilify. You have to understand, Paul, when these guys make these fucking documentaries, this is what they do for a living. This is how they pay for their fucking house. So what they have to do is they got to ramp it up so the thing makes enough fucking money so that they then to do is they gotta ramp it up so the thing makes enough fucking money so that they then can make another one because that's what they do no i understand listen like oreo they kept making oreos for a while then they go to double stuff then they made triple stuff now they're sticking strawberry in there yeah look i thought it i like

crime shows so if you like the michael moore the political ones i like crime shows and for me i was just like oh that's interesting that's an interesting what happened was i watched the michael moore one and then i was going to canada and then i that's when i was just like these documentaries you watched the gun one you watched the one where he said every house has a gun so yeah oh and that shit where he like he went to the bank and and they're like oh hey with the big hollywood guys and they just let him do this but they didn't he just let him do that because he had the cameras and shit and then the way he edits it yeah he makes he's doing it it dude it's it was like on the those the old school uh daily show where the guy doing the interview knows it's a joke but the other person doesn't

you can always make that person look like an ass name a worse kept millionaire than michael moore i mean i i don't know but like all But all of that shit, whenever someone's going up and they have cameras and they know it's a joke and the other person doesn't, it's a rigged game. And you can make it. Dude, someone could do that to me. In two seconds, like, dude, I'll tell you this right now, where I thought I was on camera yesterday.

I swear to God this is true. This was like I was in a fucking movie. I was driving up on Mulholland, right? Love that street. Love that. I came around the corner, the middle of the day, two chicks oiled up, walking a dog down the street with, like, the fucking boy shorts, all their booty ass out, right? like the fucking boy shorts all their booty ass out right and then like the fucking string over the nipples for a thing walking a dog and i was like i told you i haven't seen my wife in a while paul i came around the court like their bodies glistening they put oil on themselves

what and i came walking driving around the corner i went what the fuck and then immediately i was like this is a prank show or somebody's stealing a shot right now for a movie oh there's no way because back in the day maybe some chicks would do that hoping some super powerful person be like hey do you need an agent they don't need to do that anymore they can do that as instagram models or whatever i picture you slipping off the road and the cops come and they're like what happened obviously i don't i don't i don't know a couple days i would tell them what happened it was oil oh dude i would have told him them what happened. It was oil. Oh, dude.

I would have fucking told them exactly what happened. I drove around the corner. There was two chicks basically naked walking a fucking dog. I thought I drove into a porno and they forgot to close the set. Dude, you know what it reminded me of? Do you remember Eddie Murphy in the beginning of Beverly Hills Cop when he walks down the street and then he sees those two guys dressed in the all leather and he stops and he laughs or whatever? Like, I guess we're in L.A., right? All of that shit.

It was like I've been out here forever. Oh, my God, dude. Yeah, that would have thrown me. That would have fucking thrown me. Especially like, because you're just like. You know what I really liked? I liked that after I turned the corner, seeing these people driving up and just seeing a few of them. That guy's going to lose his fucking mind in about a quarter of a mile.

He has no idea. Dude, I went to the liquor store. He has no idea. Dude, I went to the liquor store and there was this woman in front of me, just full like yoga pants, workout thing and like really like curvy woman and stuff. And I grabbed a bottle of wine and I walk up and she's talking to the guy at the counter and the guy and there's like a line of people. And the guy at the counter is like, so-and-so, they're talking about a mutual friend. They know. Yeah, how's he doing he's doing good they're just talking and she just grabs her she goes okay bye thank you and he just went dude he leaned over and just stared at her ass and that made me just kind of I just kind of did this because it was dude it was

like as obvious as could be watching yeah not watching another man do that and I went like this and then he looked at me looking and we kind of just i looked and like i kind of just smirked and i looked down because i don't want to embarrass him and as he's bagging my he's just looking at me smiling he just goes he goes yeah what can i do what am i gonna do i it i just bursted out i just bursted out. I just bursted fucking out laughing. Cause it was like, it was like, it was the, what am I going to do? She's talking to me. She's our asses out. What am I going to do? Yeah. But yeah, man,

it's dude summertime. It's oh, it's, it's that time, you know, in New York, I'm in Florida. I'm sorry about this subject up. I thought you were amped up about the fucking Knicks. Jesus, Paul. No, I'm going to. Yeah, it's funny, man. Hey, man, my wife would be happy.

My wife would be happy I'm thinking about her. You know? It is what it is what it is i don't know all right man let's uh let's talk paul paul let's let's yeah let's let's regroup get the car back on the road uh remember that movie 10 when beau derrick was jogging in slow motion down the beach i'm just i know i know the poster i know the poster i didn't see the movie i know sorry i'm old i brought up uh i brought up one from a fucking long time ago i took my kid to uh took my daughter to go see toy story nice well i had fucked up uh like a year and a half ago before

the pandemic i took her to see dumbo thinking it was like the kid version but it was like the cool adult scary one and we had to like leave because she got too freaked out within the first six minutes i felt bad we grabbed the popcorn and all that then i go to take her to see toy story thinking i'm all right but i was going to ask you as a a veteran parent here we go to take her to see Toy Story thinking I'm all right. But I was going to ask you as a veteran parent here. We go to see Toy Story. Dude, what do they call them? The previews for the other movies were ridiculous. You mean like good?

No, like adult. Oh. They weren't showing like Saving Private Ryan. They were showing like Cruella DeVille. And she's looking at him, Cruella DeVille, looking like some crazy broad running down the street. Oh, shit. And it's just like my daughter's like fucking putting her hands up,

getting all freaked out and shit. And I'm thinking in my head like, all right, I get this. I get it. This is advertising. They're like, okay, okay well these kids didn't come here by themselves they came with the adults let's show them something that maybe they'll come back with their partner and go see right so i forgave him for that but then we get into toy story and everything was good until that little bastard next door sid starts like you know blowing up his toys and shit and it was weird because my daughter had seen it before she goes i don't want to see Sid like you know what she said well you've seen this

before you're all right you're right hands over her eyes and I just said you want to get out of here and she just goes yeah so I've taken my daughter to two movies and I think we've been in the movie theater from the from the start of the movie probably a full maybe like 25 minutes two movies first movie we was out like we were out like six minutes and the second movie about 18 19 somewhere around the 20 minute mark she just like tapped out i'm like all right uh i feel bad because dude i left i said maybe we can come back next week they're showing like this little cartoon one because i felt really bad and she just goes she goes dad i don't want i don't want to go to movies anymore. It's like, Oh, no, I ruined. So that's so cute. She's innocent. You

know, it took my kids about four or five years old. And I remember the first movie we ever took them to was like Madagascar three. It was just the animals talking. But yeah, my daughter would get really my daughter would go like this is it over i want to leave i don't like it and then any time apart like that and then now she's just like you know now they just don't want anything really scary because you know what it is it's their first time they're seeing a movie and they don't know that they're gonna work it out they're taking that ride like the toy car is gonna die or like like Sid is going to fucking do something. But, I mean, you got to have that.

You got to raise the stakes, as they say, to make the story be compelling and continue to move forward. So I just realized I'm not going to bring her back for like another year and a half. I'll wait until she's like five and a half, six, and I'm just going to get a straight up rated G movie. Those motherfuckers better not be showing any of that PG, PG-13 shit. Dude, Cruella de Vil, that looked like some fucking movie Angelina Jolie would make. That looked like some like, which is cool. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but to have your kids sitting there.

Dude, the fucking witch. Starburst trying to fucking hide behind it. The witch in the wizard of oz fucked me up till i was 12 dude something happened i saw it young and it freaked me out and then like even when i was like nine or ten when it would come on again and her part would come on because i think i saw the witch when i was young and it fucking freaked me out dude that she was good and the funniest thing was i talked about this on the versi effect years ago or a podcast years ago how the witch of the wizard of oz freaked me out and somebody sent me her as

an actress on mr rogers neighborhood and she was the sweetest old she was an old woman she was dressed beautifully like dressed like to the nines and she's sitting there and she's talking to mr rogers she couldn't be more nice and polite and i was just like holy shit like it was it just totally relieved me of uh of it like yeah but um you're gonna you're gonna feel and i don't want to act like the parent that's like i fucking know this is gonna happen but i asked you you're not you're not dumping this on me i asked you as a veteran parent you're gonna feel his and her everything like like by the way news some people were asking my daughter sophia did make the team uh when i said based on today she fucking got it based on today if it's based on today, she fucking got a call. Based on today. If it's based on today.

If today it's about to. So dude, she, we got the call and she was with her grandmother. So we told her grandmother, don't tell her we're going to FaceTime her. And Lucas FaceTimed her and she's in the back seat. And Lucas goes, Sophia, I got to tell you something. And she just goes, what? And it's been days. So she forgot about it.

And he goes, you made the team. And dude, she just like, I watched her brain. She processed it. And then she smiled and started blushing. And she goes, I did. And dude, I was just like, dude, it was like, and I was like, I'm so proud of you. And she was like, so happy. But Lucas's coach goes the other day and literally lucas i want you out because lucas usually plays second base and he's starting to migrate away from baseball he's told he's kind of doesn't want to do it anymore so they take him out of second base go lucas you're in the outfield dude i'm in the bleachers stacy's away on a girl's weekend you know and i'm just sitting in the bleachers and dude sure enough the pitcher literally goes

this kid hits far go back lucas goes back almost towards the fence like 200 something feet and this fucking this big fat fuck got the plate it's he fucking boom and all of a sudden it just going to my son and i'm just and it wasn't one of those things where like they migrate together and it was like it was hard enough and straight and it's luke with his glove up and it's him or not and he just fucking takes it out of the sky and throws it and i'm going whoo right like it was nuts then the next play there's another out then the third out comes to him and he catches that and i'm going like and it i was just like and we were like working on the pop-ups in the yard but that shit with your son and daughter anything they feel

you're gonna be like right there with them dude like right there with them i might as well did she make a baseball team with the hockey that she's doing no no she's she's she's can't do ice hockey yet because she's learning how to skate right now now she's skating backwards and now she's going with the puck back i saw those videos dude that's exciting she looks good too like she looks like she's going to be able to play yeah she she loves it and uh no she made a flat a travel flag football team that her friend goes why don't we do it and uh she's like all right and then that's what you were talking about her throwing the football she threw that football she's throwing a football so um yeah

so she made that so dude i got my kids in hockey my daughter's in ice hockey and flag football my son's playing little league but i think he's gonna migrate over he's gonna do basketball and maybe golf you know so who knows dude it's just uh i'm wondering if uh i'm wondering if your daughter being into hockey finally gets you to watch the Rangers. I know she wants me to take her. Okay. I got some hookups over there. Let me know.

Yeah. She said, she said, dad, like I want, you know, she goes, you could take Lucas to Knicks, but you got to take me to hockey. So I said, you know, we'll do it. So she might be the thing that gets me into hockey. But Bill, we needed to talk about something on episode 17 here that Andrew Thim was brought to our attention. There's a guy in China who bought a sports team.

He's like, you know, the James Dolan. I got to see this guy. I've heard about this. And he put his son on the team who has no business being on the team where it's all athletes. And then just an out of shape, like doesn't belong there, kicking the ball in the wrong direction.

How old is this kid? I don't know. What level is this? Is this pro? Andrew, are you there? Yeah, I'm pulling it up. One second. Yeah.

Oh, dude. That's, dude, that's awesome. Could you imagine if like Robert Kraft just fucking threw his family member on the base? Football's the one thing. American football, anyway. You wouldn't do that because he's going to get really fucked up. But it is funny if you put him on a pro baseball team team he just goes up there with like the bat on his shoulder strikes out in three pitches oh here we go oh this is great oh is his son number seven of course he is

that doesn't look like a pro athlete he doesn't even look like a ref yeah this is the highlight reel no get out of the way you fuck he just fucking kicked oh they got a kick and he sends it right back oh he's at least he's not selfish. Look at this. Oh, the poor kid. I feel bad for this kid. That's a nice kick. He's setting up all right. Dude, but what if this kid leans out?

I got to tell you, man, that's a decent kick. It's a decent pass. Yeah, it's just bad placement. I think this, you know, he doesn't want the ball. He doesn't want to run either. All right, so, Bill, here's the question. Yeah. This one guy on the other team is going to take him out.

Yeah, I mean. He's got to be a power forward here, man. That's what he needs to do. He needs to use that weight. Got the arm up for the balance. He's showing him which way to kick it. And then he just pointed, hold on. Uh, he is, he's, he's, you know, he's a coach. These more of a coach send the ball that way. Andrew. So what's the question now? If we, if our fathers yeah like if if you had to put your kid on a team like what what sport would you would you make what position what sport if it had to be you I mean we've asked this question before what what do you think you could handle in a pro sport Paul you said you think you could throw uh you know no I think i wouldn't want to be embarrassed like that because

it's like you think you have a good arm until you're with people with a good arm so i think i think the only thing if my dad owned like an nba team and i and he was like i'm putting you on it i would just be like try to be like the 12th man like just just like garbage minutes go in like a minute 15 seconds you're down 20 i'd try to put it down 20 they put you in shoot a three here or there dude that's the only time he puts you in they'd love you if you hand it up the crowd be going boss's son boss's son boss's son have go in there? Do a couple of these? And if you hit a three, if I hit a three, oh, my God. What would you do, Bill, if your dad owned a team and he put you on it?

Basketball's where I'd want to go because you wouldn't get fucked up. You know what I would do? I would fucking baseball pitch and I would just swing out of my fucking clue. I would start swinging during his windup and just hope I got lucky. Dude, if he throws it hard enough and you're swinging hard enough, you'll, you'll,

you'll make it go off the wall, dude. You could get it out there. But my thing is I would, I would have my bat speed is so slow i would have to be like right here as the guy was going back into the wind up um what about pitching out of the bullpen that would be cool if your dad was like you're gonna you're gonna my dad on a baseball team i might try to learn how to throw a knuckleball. That's a great one. I don't have to throw it fast. That's a great one.

Yeah. That's a good one. Definitely could. Hockey's out. You couldn't do hockey. Couldn't do hockey. Football is just you can get fucked up, even if you're like a place kicker. Having to catch that thing, set it down, spin it, and put your fucking foot.

The skill set of that is crazy. Hockey, fuck that. crazy hockey fuck that fuck hockey fuck football soccer soccer like that i'm not wearing basketball because i'm not going to be like look at your fucking white legs i ain't dealing with that too i would go i would go i would go baseball pinch hitter yeahter. Yeah. Oh, absolutely. There's no way I'm going out in the field. That's my – Don't hit it to me. Don't hit it to me.

Wait, what would you say, Andrew? That's the one thing I have the audacity to say. I think at the right circumstances I can steal a base in Major League Baseball. I'm pretty fast. I'm talking some shit. But that's the one thing I think I can steal a base. Oh, I like it. All right. I like that. I like that. Okay. He thinks he can steal a base. What do you think you could do, Paul, at a professional level? I think if I went into an NBA game garbage minutes, I can knock down a three.

So with an NBA player guarding you, guarding you. Like I'm saying, like if they clear both benches and the game is over and it's that time, like you said, when they're chanting, Paul, Paul in, that shit. You know, Paul in. Berzy, Berzy. All right, so he's playing garbage defense. He's sort of there.

He's going to go like that, but he's not locking you down. I'll take a step back even further and launch that, but he's not locking you down. I'll take a step back even further and launch one, and God willing, it goes in, and it's just a huge deal. Do you start backpedaling the second you leave it? I know the second you leave your hand, I know you're backpedaling. 100%. When it goes in, you can do that little point to the assist guy. You got to do that, too, to complete it.

Yeah, and then I'm going to run back like it's time to get back on defense like there's a way we could get back into this because I'm going to will us back. Yeah, because you're going to make the 12-team all-star. Start in both ways. Yeah. I would love that, dude. If my dad owned a team.

But listen, I wouldn't want him. You know what I think I could do? On a fourth and goal, I could slip off the line and catch a pass. I'm not fast, but if no one's paying attention to me, I can catch as well as I can't run. Could you gain a yard or two if you play running back? I don't need to. See, that's why I'm on goal.

I'm in the end zone. The second I catch it, the play's over. Don't hit me. Yeah, I'd probably break my ribs. I think I could get two, three yards on a carry. All right. Because they blew the hole open? Or you actually think you could fake a guy?

I know for goddamn sure um I I would I would average minus four yards when a fumble every carry when me and you went to the Yale bowl and we saw Princeton play Yale and I was joking I made Berkowitz laugh when I go the guy playing safety is going to be the director of the CIA. Those guys, I felt like I could get in that game. I'm not even joking. When I watch that game, I go like, with a training camp, I could play with a couple of these kids, a couple of them. Yeah, maybe at that level.

But I'm trying to think of something that I could hit maybe like, maybe I go to the rack and I get fouled hit a foul shot with everybody could you hit one with everybody screaming and yelling and that's a lot that's a lot that's a lot hitting a foul shot i mean hitting a foul shot at the garden packed with everybody want you to do it it's that's a lot i might go one for one i may miss the first one because of nerves and then just get my form and elbow up and try to knock down a second one. All right, at your peak, Paul, at your peak with the right opportunity in coaching, what's the highest level in whatever sports you feel you could compete at?

And I'm 5'8", I'm my height now? Yeah. eight on my height now or I think I think the high at my height now I think the best that I could do I probably know back then the height of your skills you made the high school team so what level college team realistically do you think you could have made um no I I think it would be football I think it would be football and i think i would probably go division two or division three in football uh division two i yeah i don't know whalen willis whalen played like division two or three but the level dude that that jump from high school yeah to college is huge because it's like every beast every dude that was a beast

is then part of a team that they're not even a beast on then there's the beast of those beasts just at that level with each level that's why i feel like me it ends it's a it ends at the high school level yeah i mean i don't even know that i would i wouldn't even i just wasn't fast enough i wouldn't have started my mom moved me at a critical time in high school and i just didn't want to play with the kids so i didn't even bother trying out for stuff but when i was like really at my peak of sports it was probably football and football coaches were like oh dude when you moved we had plans for you because i had a good arm so in junior high you have a great arm but but my height would have restricted me i think maybe baseball but i never got to the level where i actually dealt with somebody throwing like off speed or

like curves and shit like that dude like what i liked about baseball is you didn't have to be fast and you could still play you know what i mean yeah i can catch anything in the outfield but like my thing i just had no fucking wheels like i had hit a double to get a single yeah um you know chris de peta right yeah so his son does comedy now his son don hilarious kid nice kid but his son was in the minor leagues for pros. And we're hanging out in a green room one time and Chris would always brag about his son. And now his son's doing acting and stand up and he's great. He's funny, but he was going pro in baseball or like was on a minor league team in baseball, trying out for pro teams. And he told me- Just how good you have to be just to get to that level.

Yeah. Like he's playing minor league ball. And he said he got up to another level. And he was like trying to be a pro ball player. And he's telling me this shit in the green room. And he's so funny. He's an Italian kid, so he's animated. And he goes, dude, he goes, I'm in the fucking box. And he goes, and I get up. And he goes, the pitcher just fucking throws a fucking laser and he goes and

it's gonna hit me and he goes and then it just dropped in for a strike and he said at that moment in the box he goes oh this is as far as i'm gonna get in baseball this is the level because he knew he knew that it was like over but the way he describes it he goes oh this is it dude i know that feeling i know that feeling and what i was playing drums and i was thinking i was going to get in a band and maybe be in a fucking rock band or something like that yeah i saw i went into uh the music store and i saw some little kid that had it. And I just knew from that moment I was like, this is a hobby. Like I could really roll the dice here and be good enough and lucky enough

that I fall in with a bunch of guys that are so good that if I just kept solid time, we could get somewhere. But even then, at some point, we get into a studio and have to record, and I would just be the weak link. And if you're a weak link as the drummer, you're out. You're out. I think they can work around some of the other players, but it's just like, this guy's just not making it happen then i'd be in my head i'd feel the pressure and i would just i would i would have like a fucking imploded um yeah dude i know i know dude that that that's one of those things that led me

to being a comedian was that like that's a very um self-aware yeah brutally honest thing with yourself when you you have to be honest that like you i can't do this like this is not my calling right like i don't have it and it's like that happened to me in sports that happened to me in math that happened to me in music that happened to me in sales and it just kept eliminating options um it just got down to like what am i good at i'm good at being a idiot and making people laugh and telling stories so either i become like a writer, which just sounded like a lot of work. Yeah. Or I just go on stage. Yeah. I don't want to work. You don't want to work. Yeah. So like, just knowing what you suck at, just knowing that you're not going to be, um, one of the guys, one of the all-stars of this shit, you know, right then it's just like, the money's not coming.

all-stars of this shit you know right then it's just like the money's not coming yeah i was like that in math like you um i got a buddy we played golf the other day this guy's a cop in new york city okay played golf the other day he won a junior college junior college championship guy shot a 68 in front of my face he was putting for eagle three times and he won a fucking junior college championship i never seen anything i laugh when he drives, when he's on the tee box and he hits, we just, I just look at him. I start laughing. Cause that's how fucking good he is. And I said to him, I go, dude, what, how are you? He goes, nah, man, I wasn't a good enough putter. I mean, this guy can probably go to Augusta. This guy could go to Augusta and probably shoot. Like he could, he could fucking like, but that's not a good enough like low 70s is not like those guys can that's the difference no I knew a guy that was

a downhill skier and he missed making the Olympic team by like like 1.1 seconds and one and 1.1 second made him like the 200 something best guy. Like that's how that's how like my new that whole like one little fuck up going down that, you know, that takes like a split something of a second away. Like you want you get to that fucking level. It's Michael Costaa the comedian michael costa he just did a special on comedy central he's a he was a pro tennis player pro like and he was ranked like i guess like 500th in the world or something like that and he said him him get him beating him playing federer or nadal would be like me or you playing him. He said it's like the dip is the drop off from those like top 25 guys is fucking insane.

I know the guy that was a quarterback at Georgia Tech. Right. He didn't make the NFL. He was a starting quarterback at Georgia Tech. He didn't make the NFL. So like, you know, the Ravens tried him out for a slot receiver. That was a starting quarterback at a big school and just, you know, not tall enough or whatever. So thank God for Dick jokes. Thank God for Dick jokes and telling stories.

And my parents getting divorced when I was fucking five and it was brutal. I know, dude. Hey, I got a new cigar for you. Oh, I heard about it. Bobby Kelly. Did you give it to Bobby? Yeah. Bobby Kelly hits me up.. Oh, I heard about it. Bobby Kelly. Did you give it to Bobby? Yeah. Bobby Kelly hits me up.

He goes, dude, fucking burr. He goes, dude, fucking burr. Paul, he gave me a fucking cigar. He goes, I swear to God, it might be the best cigar I ever had in my fucking life. Okay, I'm going to make sure I get the name of this cigar right. I think it's Principal. They're a boutique one out of, yeah, Principal Cigars. Can I see the label?

They sent me. Okay, okay. You can follow them on Instagram. Principal Cigars. P-R-I-N-C-P-L-E Cigars. All one word on. So they said they saw me on this thing and I was smoking a cigar. And they were like, Steve Harvey smokes our cigars.

We thought you should too. And they sent me a whole box of these. Right when I said I was quitting. They sent me a whole box and all of these i gave some to bert like i gave some to a comics and i was trying to get rid of them at one point i'm like well i gotta try one of them bobby came to town uh we went over this comics house john uh stites place he goes you can smoke in my apartment and dude i'm gonna tell you this right now he, you mind if I make something to eat? I'm hungry. So we're smoking these cigars. Me and Bobby lit them. And we're like, oh my God, like he lit a Cuban. We're like,

this fucking thing is unbelievable. And I was so excited because Bob is like deep into the cigar world that he actually loved the cigar. And then Stites comes over with a tomahawk steak, Paul, that is the top two steaks I ever had. Best steak I ever had was at Cut out here. The first time I went was fucking unbelievable. And then the second one, second time I went was unreal, but it wasn't quite as good as the first time. His steak was in between that. And I was literally sitting in there going, John, your apartment is now my new favorite cigar bar and steakhouse because we sat there and it was funny like all the other guys like bobby had a buddy of his

his writing partner with him and bobby was just like going like you know ah man i shouldn't eat this late i don't eat this thing we both tried to bite we were like oh it was like he said oh when bob said oh my steak, I was like, all right. So I had to try it. Then I go, oh, my God. And then his buddy Spooky, I think is what he went by, Spooky. Well, I'm coming. I'm coming out there. No, no, we're setting it up. Not only are we setting it up, he's showing me how he does his steaks. Because, dude, it was fucking, it was insane.

Oh, dude, I'm ready. And there was no sides, dude. There was no sides. You don't need them. You don't need them. It's cooked like that. No, I told my wife. I fucking told my wife.

It's always a side. It's like, let's make the meat. Anyway. You went somewhere there, Paul. Yeah, it was a fight. Oh, she's going gonna get it um anything better bill and i are gonna be doing one in the studio together sit next to each other for the first time oh can we smoke in there oh absolutely no we're gonna have a good time i'll cut a fucking

steak on the show you think i give a fuck hey dude i got one i got an anything better for you yeah is there anything better than figuring out why you're angry what happened to you and what and not being angry anymore dude i feel like i lost 40 fucking pounds that's a big one dude no dude it took i'm 53 years old i finally figured out who the fuck i am i now know why i did everything that i did good and bad everything all the puzzle pieces came together it was like the end of a mystery how many how many uh apology phone calls you gotta make a lot like if they ever wanted to reboot that fucking my name is earl oh dude i heard a lot of people,

people hurt me or whatever, but like at least now understanding. Yeah, that's great. Well, I know we're going to wrap this up here. I got one more. Is there anything better than Josh Adam Myers after the Washington Capitals score an overtime goal, O-sheet for the winner.

And he texts, are you okay? And then the next fucking game, the Bruins winning overtime and the Celtics lock, knock the Washington wizards out of the playoffs. And I don't text them anything. I know you're seeing this Josh. Oh,

Oh, all right. Is there anything better than going home from being on the road for a while and giving it to your old lady the way you need to? Paul is coming home, baby. No dick pics necessary. I'm sorry, guys. Paul's coming home, and I'm bringing hell with me. You hear me, Stacey?

I'm bringing hell with me. Guys, this is... Tombstone Pauly. This has been episode 17. Guys, all plugs. This is... Guys. Dude, that's what you send instead of the dick pic.

You got to send send the tombstone what is the line what is the exact line he goes like this he goes uh he goes you tell him i'm coming and hell's coming with me you hear me hell's coming with me yeah you got you gotta send that um i'm that to your wife. We got to have a clip of that. Start stretching. I'm going to send her a video of me doing jumping jacks. That reminded me of Charlie Murphy, rest his soul. Anyway, guys, this has been episode 17.

I will be this week. Actually, when this comes out tonight, SideSplitters. Three shows tonight at SideSplitters in Tampa, Florida, one tomorrow. Joe Bartnick is with me in Tampa. June 11th and 12th. Bobby Jules, SideSplitter. June 11th and 12th.

The Vulcan Gas Company in Austin, Texas. June 11th and 12th. Only two shows. Tickets are going. And June 11th and 12th. Only two shows tickets are going. And June 25th and 26th, I will be at Wise Guys in Salt Lake City, Utah. And my first theater gig, Bill, my first theater gig, I'll be at the Wilbur Theater in October. October 22nd tickets are already being sold.

I want to sell that place out. COVID's going to be gone. And I'm bringing hell with me. You hear me, Boston? Hell's coming with me. This has been episode 17. What do you got, Bill? You got a big tour coming up this summer. Yeah, it doesn't start for a while. I got Vegas coming up and they're wide open at this point, which is good because we'll see what that does. And I think hopefully it'll be fine. And tell them who's coming with you, Bill. Tell them who's coming with you.

Who the hell's coming with me? Tell them who's coming with you. I got Rick D'Elia, who's the downhill skier I was talking about. And Al Ducharme, who does a bunch of voices on Efforts for Family, especially Little Anthony. Everybody loves that one that he does. They're both, efforts for family, especially little Anthony. Everybody loves that one that he does. They're both, I don't know if Rick is,

I know Al's a big cigar smoker. I actually texted him about this cigar and he's like, I got to smoke that. Do you know Al at all? I met Al in New York before he moved. Maybe, maybe the night we go over to Stites and we have the steak and everything. I'll invite him to come by.

Great dude. I can't wait. I can't wait for you to get out here. Alright, that's been the podcast. Thank you everybody for listening. Go Bruins. Go Celtics. Go Red Sox. Go fuck yourselves. I'll see you. Shake up the world. All right. Shake up the world Alright