Anything Better? - Based On Today!

Episode Date: May 15, 2021

Is there Anything Better than Bill and Paul talking about kids tryouts, UFOs, and when to believe documentaries.  

What's up everybody, welcome back to another episode of the best new podcast on planet earth, anything better, episode 16, episode Joe Montana with myself, Paul Verzi, Bill Burr out in LA, we got the Greek freak, Andrew Thelmas. We're raring to go. This is the post mother's day show. And I got to tell you something, dude, mother's day. It's a bunch of fucking horse shit. Okay. It is. Listen, I love my mother. Okay. Listen, I love my mother. I call my mother. I even drove up to see my mother 40 minutes from my house. I showed up. I gave her flowers. Me and Lucas went up there. I gave her flowers while the girls went and did their nails and everything like that. I'm not saying it's bullshit because it's

disrespecting women or your mother. I'm saying it's bullshit with like the reservations are overpacked at the restaurant. It makes the service at the restaurant suck. Everything is overpriced. Same shitty pasta dishes over fucking price. You know what it's like, Bill, to me? It's like Valentine's Day, where it's just a way for them to fuck you financially for shit you do normally. Am I wrong? Paul, never go out on a holiday.

Yeah. Ever. It's ridiculous. New Year's Eve. Fuck that. Valentine's Day. Fuck that. St. Paddy's Day. Fuck that. Valentine's Day. Fuck that. St.

Patty's Day. Fuck that. Easter breakfast at the IHOP. Fuck that. Fuck all of that. Go out on Flag Day because nobody gives a shit. Was that you who said I think it was you who said use go out on Valentine's Day the next day where it's just common.

Yeah, you could actually sit and talk to the person and have a normal conversation instead of busboys. You know the ladies, they like to go out. They like to see what the other women are wearing. They like to look at the couples. They do decorate the restaurant. Whatever, Paul. Anything that just keeps them happy, you know. And maybe you can come home the next day, you know.

Have a couple hours to yourself i have no idea but it's good that they they definitely uh you know they definitely there's a thing with stacy stacy wants to see i give a fuck this is what i figured about my wife she doesn't necessarily care about mother's day She wants to see I give a fuck enough to plan a Mother's Day for her. So she always says, listen, because I'd like breakfast at home. Do whatever you want. I like breakfast at home. Maybe a little fruit. You know, if you guys could cut up a fruit bowl for me.

All right. She goes, you know, our garden has fresh chives. If you want to cut up those chives and put them in my cream cheese, you know, you could do that. You know, she always says things like that i'm not asking much you know just just get me just get me a cup of coffee chop up some fresh chives put it in my cream cheese give me a broccoli florets you know it was a side to the uh fish i want you to cook me tonight nothing you know you don't have to do this this is just it's really like a ransom letter that's read by the person rather than you. Like, if you ever want to see happiness again, you will comply.

Oh, it's been on Father's Day. Because I'll tell you, on my mother's day, everything my wife wanted, I did. She wanted to fucking stay in bed or whatever i watched the kids all day all day until five o'clock it was my son's uh time for him to get a bath or whatever and she said she coming so i clocked that so much because dude i know like listen i know how it's gonna you know out. Father's Day, yeah. It's like, here you go. Here's your fucking tie.

You said it. And then you have Family Day. Yeah, yes. My wife on Mother's Day is an absentee parent. Like, her dream Mother's Day is to get away from us. No, but that's normal. I think that's normal. Like, they want Manny. No, no. No, but that's normal. I think that's normal. Like they want Manny Petticoat.

No, no, I think it's totally normal. I just want to be able to do that. Well, no, I do. I do because a big Mother's, a big Father's Day thing for me, this is the thing. She got the flowers. She got the Manny Petticoat.

She got the, we cut up fruit. There was a, you know what's funny? She bought the ingredients. I woke up in the morning. There was a fucking pineapple on the counter, right? So on the counter right sophia i'm grabbing a knife she had strawberries she really just wants to see if i wanted to wake up and do it and give a and i did and she went out and i got flowers for her i got flowers for her mother my mother here's what i'm doing though bill and i want every listener of anything better. Okay. Every father listening to this, you got to double down on father's day. This is what I do. I'm golfing. I don't want calls. I

don't want what hole are you on? I don't want what's your ETA. I'm golfing. I'm smoking sticks all day. It's four hours out of the gate. That's definite. Right. I am back when you see me pulling the driveway. A hundred percent. Think of me as in South Carolina. You are not to check in. Yes. So what I'm doing is I'm making Father's Day in this house as important as Mother's Day. In fact, I might even ask for more just so we balance it out. I'm going for it.

I'm going for it. I like it. You know what it is? You're like the best player on the team. Scottie Pippen just got that mother's day i mean what are you gonna pay jordan and here's the thing they're allowed to see themselves as the jordan in the relationship why shouldn't you if that's them living their best life yeah why am i scotty pippen he's still a hall of famer i can't play a sneaker with his silhouette on the side of it father's day is one comic i don't even

i'm gonna not even do it justice this guy did a joke about just how nobody gives a fuck about father's day how father's day is like you throw him a golf shirt and go to make them scrambled eggs and it's over it's fucking why that is paul why the mistake we make as men is we don't hold them accountable for our emotions okay they make you accountable for their emotions if they're not happy you're not happy if you're not happy she doesn't give a fuck yeah She'll get over it. You're being a baby. And she just fucking walks out. You have to make them, you have to hold, you got to hold them hostage the way they do it to you. Yeah. We could never say to them what they say to us. One time, my wife goes, oh, get over yourself. Oh, cry me a river. Oh, you want a cookie? One time she even

joked. She goes, what are you being a little, She goes, what are you being a little sissy pants? And I laugh. Right. Like she'll do it jokingly. She go, really, Paul, what are you little? And I'm just going if I ever said, oh, you little girl, you little little scaredy girl. Anything like that. What are you insecure over? Over. Well, this is how you have to do your demands here. Okay? You have to stay even emotion. Be like, this is what I want for Father's Day.

Okay? And when you see her look at the list and she kind of does that. You just said that like a serial killer, Bill. Yeah. And when she says it, well, nice it up here. Yeah. And when she says it, well, nice it up here. When she looks at your list and she does one of these, one of those like you're asking for a lot, you can't take that bait.

You just have to sit in the park. That's what I want. It's Father's Day. I'm a father. It's a day. Father's Day. It's my day uh this is what i want and then when she goes maybe maybe hold up her list of demands be lit mine's actually shorter see that yeah this is what you wanted check check check check check check check get out your pen sweetheart because this is all getting checked off. I am not getting the father. It's not father's morning. Yes. It's not father's half a day.

Yep. It's father's day. Son up to fucking son down. My day. Yep. That's brilliant. You did start it like a serial killer. That would literally scare my kids if I go sit down.

Here's what I want. Sophia Lucas, 64 days you got me. But today, I don't even know you guys. Oh, that's good. I bring in a lawyer. Listen, here's the deal. Don't. You don't say anything.

You just sit there like this. Just nodding. He's going down the checklist i mean you can't breach contract you will be in breach um no man i i actually had like a a really it was actually really nice to just you know i was like i'm gonna do it, you know, because I thought she thought that I was. It's nice to do something for somebody that you love. Abso-fucking-lutely. Yeah. It's also nice to have that same courtesy. Come back.

You know, we're playing tennis here. We hit the ball over. And just walk onto the ball and walk away. And like, that's the game's over because it's not your day now. She sat up in bed thinking I was going to fumble the ball. She was waiting for the turnover. It's so fucked up. And I guarantee you this is on purpose.

I guarantee you this is on purpose. You leaned up, Andrew. If they had any fucking brains, they would have put Father's Day in May and Mother's Day in June. Because then the woman would have to step up because she knows Mother's Day. Hey, manipulate. So it's like, well, I don't want to do shit.

But if I'm a douche now, as dumb as I think he is, he's going to remember this a month later. But the thing is, is they get all the fucking goodies first. And then they're laying there after the feast. And then you want them to get up and do something for you yeah and that's how you end up with the card and a fucking tie

tack no but that's what i'm saying you're right about that but that's why it's on listen we're going last we're closing the show we're playing the last game of the season it's our showcase so that's why i'm making it bigger hold them accountable. I'd start talking shit now. What you do is you go and, that Mother's Day was, how great was that? It made me feel really good. Made me feel really good to do all that.

Oh my God, three, all that. And I go, you know, and I cannot wait for you to return that favor next Father's Day. And then she'll laugh because you got her. They'll actually respect your fucking double-A manipulation game. I mean, they're playing at the pros. They're fucking all-stars at it.

And they will appreciate. It's like seeing the first time you see a son through a spiral when you try to manipulate your wife. Oh, it's adorable. Yeah. They got a sense of pride. Look at him. it's adorable. You got a sense of pride. Look at him. He's trying.

This is my father's day. Oh, here we go. My father's day. There's a place out here where there's three places, right? I call it the triangle of death. All right? Fucking unbelievable barbecue. Across the street is an ice cream joint where they make fucking great root beer float.

And then you go back across the street and there's a cigar bar. Oh. I'm going bam, bam, bam. Paul, I don't know how long it's going to take. I don't know how many cigars it's going to... I haven't had a cigar since February. Dude, you throw a massage parlor in that fucking mix and you could die that day.

Dude, it's one of my favorite places on earth. That little fucking triangle right there. That's incredible. The barbecue is ridiculous. The ice cream's fucking ridiculous. And then I have a cigar. I'm not fucking hurting anybody. I'm doing that.

I will not be called. I will not be texted at it. I'm leaving now. And when I come home is when I come home. You know what's funny about you? You love the right soda. You love the right soda. You love the right soda and you love it. Bill Burr loves a fucking root beer float.

The one thing I know about my good friend Bill is he loves a fucking good root beer float. And I've seen the level of disappointment on your face when the wrong root beer is brought to the house. They don't do it right. on your face when the wrong root beer is brought to the house yep they don't do it don't do right i do have uh i am partial to the old school ones because i grew up on them the a and w and that mug one i drank mostly a and w but i gotta be honest with you a lot of the uh the artsier ones it's like an ipa it's like all right you know it fancier, but like I still prefer the usual suspects, you know. A Budweiser or a Miller High Life was my shit. I was a Budweiser when I was underage drinking right through drinking and driving conviction.

And then I went, when I got more mature, I went to the champagne of beer. Yeah. There was just something about that bottle man it feels like it's three ounces you turn into frank the tank like oh it just fucking goes down it's so good when it touches your lips lips you know my dad got me into cream soda once my dad had an ice cold cream soda that was in the glass bottle once and uh same company i think it was a and w and I remember having it as a kid, and I was like, ooh, that's a good, and here's a good alcoholic one. A cream soda's great.

Dude, Captain Morgan and ginger ale tastes like a cream soda with booze in it, if it's made right. Oh, I didn't need to know that. Yeah, somebody goes, dude, you like cream soda? They go, get a little Captain Morgan and ginger ale. And oh, man, it's just like getting hammered on. It's like getting hammered. Oh, I didn't need to know that. Yeah, somebody goes, dude, you like cream soda? They go, get a little Captain Morgan and ginger ale. And oh, man, it's just like getting hammered on. It's like getting hammered on.

Oh, I'm getting one after the show. Dude, anything's better with a little Captain Morgan and ginger ale. Hey, dude, you like hanging out with your wife? A little Captain Morgan and ginger ale. You fucking enjoy it even more everything's better dude you like hanging out at the pool get a little captain morgan oh i didn't realize that oh you mean to get mildly up enhances things i never noticed that uh oh man i bill i got something for you and And Andrew and Bill, you're going to love this story because it meant a lot to me.

And I'm still glowing about it. I'm still glowing about it because my little girl, OK, for the people that don't know, I have two children. I have an 11-year-old son and a 9-year-old daughter. And she's got this Sicilian Greek thing that I have. She's me. And my son is my wife. She's got the vengeful, the heart, the nobody does me wrong, but she's very emotional. She's got the whole hug and kiss.

She's me. She likes a nice piece of jewelry. Oh, she gave her a pair of rings. She goes wild for fucking earrings. So she goes, there's a flag football league for little girls in this area, but it's not in our town. You got to go to another town and the surrounding towns like these girls play flag football from like ages eight through 10. And Sophia played and really loved it and found friends and did it. But they basically sent out an email saying, guys, there's going to be a tryout for a travel team. And when we mean we're taking these eight to 10 year old girls travel, like we're going to go to Jersey. We're going to go to Connecticut. We're going to travel with these girls. And it's kind of competitive and serious.

So we had to sit down with Sophia and say, look, you know, this is a commitment. You're going to get on a bus. You're going to be with girls. You don't know maybe one friend, if that. And she goes, I want to do it, guys. I want to do it. And then we're like, all right, are you sure? And like, there's going to be two practices a week and some of the weekends. And she goes, I really I want to do it. My friend Sophie's doing it. I want to do it. So, dude, come try out that. I pick her up from school. She gets in the back and she's got this look on her face. I was wrong, sweetheart? And she goes,

she goes, I'm scared, dad. I'm scared. She goes, I want to make the first thing that I try out for. So now I start getting a little, now I start getting really into it. Right. So I go, so I said, listen to me. I said, I give her a pep talk. I said, listen to me. I said, you go out there, you run hard. You keep your eye on the ball. Everything you do, you do as hard as you want to do. You do as best as you can do. And you don't make it it doesn't matter anyway you never had anything else so the only thing that you could control is your effort and if you put 100 effort me and mom don't care you make it she just got real yeah she goes yeah and i go yeah i go great speech dude i like that i go what you would feel bad about is if you didn't put 100 effort in and then you didn't make the team but you do everything.

So anyway, we get there. These little girls are there, you know, coaches, daughters, you know, the one who's like she's like the sunshine of the fucking hair, just fucking crushing it. My God, she's on the team. Right. So I'm looking at and now I'm sizing up these little girls going like there's no one girl like tripping over her own foot. Like the ball came to her. She go like this. She's like, she's out. She's not getting on the bus. Right. So now, so now I'm doing processing, but there's 26 girls. There might be some abuse in that house where an object comes at her and she's going like that. This is what I call child protective services. Yeah. She had like gloves on too. She had like football gloves. Like they threw it at her. She's like, like running from it. So like, all right, but there's 26 girls. I think they're only taking 13. So now I'm sitting

there with the parents and they go, all right, first drill line up. And Sophie looks at me and I go, just have fun, just have fun, you know? And I'm just, I'm real amped up. Right. So I go, we want to see how you throw. So we're going to have half the girls here. And then half the girls, I want the girls that are catching to run five yards out and turn and just catch it. Right. So Sophie's like eighth on line of like 13. So I'm just waiting. I'm waiting. So finally she gets up and goes and she's like looking at the coach. She's like, really wants to do it. Right, dude. I swear to God on my, on my family, my daughter throws a fucking bullet spiral to this fucking girl's head. Perfect. And the coach just goes, wow. And I literally, I'm going, yes, I'm going.

Yeah. And the, and the other mother goes, wow, that was good. Then they threw her five passes. She catches four of five and one, she reached for the one she dropped was a bad throw. So now I'm going, all right. And I see check marks being made by the coaches and stuff. And I'm going, and then I literally do, you're going to laugh. I looked at two parents and I go, if it's based on today, if it's based on today, my daughter makes, I got this. I swear to God.

I just looked, I looked at the mother of what I go. If it's based on today, if it's really about today, my daughter makes the team. How many times did you say if it's based on today, if it's really about today, my daughter makes the team. How many times did you say if it's based on today? Paul gets amped up. Yeah, I just kept going. Based on today. If it's based on today.

If it's based on today. Based on today, she makes it. I go, if there's politics, we'll send emails. But if it's based on today, you know, and dude, dude she fucking killed it and then here was the kicker they go all right we're playing king of the hill 13 girls in a mosh pit one girl goes 15 yards back and has to throw it up and then you have to just try to catch a hail mary with all these little girls and i can't believe they still do a drill like that they probably consider it too hostile i like that yeah and if you catch too hostile. I like that. Yeah.

And if you catch it in the big fucking pit of girls, then it's your turn to go and throw. And they only did it like six times. And you're going to marry a quarterback, right? Is that what it is? Sorry. Yeah. Sophie fucking catches it. And the people weren't like the head people were looking over at the older girls.

So I go, yo, she's, she's thrown, she caught it, you know, like it's, you know, only five, but I didn't do it like that. I was just like doing it to myself. And then I'm going, she caught it. And then they looked over and saw she was throwing. So they knew she caught it. Anyway, dude, the tryouts over, I run over to her, hug her. I make her brother go up to her. Lucas and her have a little thing where it's like, you know, it's not bad, but like, it's that sibling thing. And she looks up to him. So if he says it, you know, sometimes he thinks she's a pain. I go run. He runs up, hugs her, goes, you made the team. You made the team. And I go, Sophie. And I just told her, I said, I'm texting Stacy. And I just kept texting Stacy, crushing it.

I'm just crushing, killing it. You don't even understand. I mean, I was like, it's a clinic. She's putting on a clinic. Right. So I sit in the back and my daughter's blushing. She's glowing. And I just said, Sophia, I am so fucking proud of you. Okay. I didn't curse, but I said, I'm so proud of you. I said, you did everything. I said, I don't care if you, if you don't make the team. I said, first of all, if it's based on today, you made the team. That's it. That's a fact. Back to the based on today. If it's based on today, you showed up and I go, you are clutch. I go, if you don't make the team after the performance today, I said, I'm telling them, your father sent in an email because I'll just, I will, I'll say, listen, I appreciate everything. But based on that tryout, my daughter did everything

that was asked, but I think she's going to make it. And she's just now we're waiting. So maybe on the next podcast, I'll be able to tell, but dude, I got to tell you something, man, seeing my little girl show up like that nervous. And then just, just, and then, you know, she said to me, dude, she, she taught me something. This know what she said to me dude she she taught me something this is what she said to me she taught me something she goes i mean you just got to have fun and she goes yeah she goes i just decided to have fun she goes because if i wasn't having fun then i knew i wouldn't do my best and i was like yeah she's like but if you're having fun how long that took me to learn that in life and she goes yeah because if i'm not having fun and i'm nervous then i'm not going to do my best right dad and i? And I go, no. She goes, but if I'm having fun, I'm definitely going to be at my best.

And I was like, and I looked at her. You just taught me something. And so now we'll find out. But I will tell you this. And I can tell you this wholeheartedly. If she doesn't make the team, I'm raising hell in the town. That much I can tell you. That much I can tell you.

Because I just wanted to hear it again. I just wanted to hear it again. I knew there was no way you couldn't lay up. I'm raising hell. I'm raising hell. What did you just say? I just knew. I was like, I knew if I didn't say shit, you're going to, that much I can tell you. And I was thinking in my head, he has to say that again. I just waited. You know me well, my friend. That much I can tell you. You know me well, my friend. That much I can tell you.

You know me well. Oh, man. Paul, you got to do an acting gig where they got that classic, you say the last line at the end of the rant twice. You know? There will be hell to pay. There will be hell to pay. There will be hell to pay. Kurt Russell in Tombstone.

You tell him I'm coming and hell's coming with me. You hear me? Hell's coming with me. Dude, that movie, by the way, Tombstone, one of the most underrated and Val Kilmer's Val Kilmer's depiction of Doc Holiday in Tombstone is one of the best character performances. Oh, he was amazing in that. Dude, he was so great in that man.

Kurt Russell. I watched this movie that it was called Heaven's Gate, not the cult movies called Heaven's Gate. I watched the first hour. It's like three and a half hours long. And I just, it expired. I got to rent it again. You get two days to watch it.

I got two kids. I can't fucking squeeze in a three and a half hour movie in two days, right? So it was the guy, Michael Cimino, who made, he directed The Deer Hunter. And he won Best Picture and Best Director. He did Thunderbolt and Lightfoot with Clint Eastwood and Jeff Bridges. He sent the script to Clint Eastwood.

Clint Eastwood was like, I love this guy. You direct the movie. The guy was on a tear. And then after that, Deer Hunter, and he won Best Director, Best Picture. The next movie he made was Heaven's Gate, and it bombed. And it was called, like, one of the biggest flops ever and one of the worst movies ever made. Dude, I'm watching the movie. It's like, you know, there's a beginning scene, kind of like the Deer Hunter, where the wedding scene's really long.

This is like a college graduation. It was really long. But when they got into it got into it what's going on was like a good movie like this is not even close to being the worst movie ever i've seen movies worse than this when a fucking when the best picture chariots of fire worst movie of all time you know the english pace patient i mean i've seen fucking so many of those fucking movies that won awards where you just like i mean it was all right this movie was better than those those won the oscars and saying that this thing was the worst fucking movie ever made and i really think there's there's like uh there's this thing with like when somebody spends a lot of money and the second there's a little bit of a bad buzz like everyone just

wants to see it yeah just shit the bed i mean the worst movie ever made i mean come on man remember the one with the chick lick the stripper pole there oh yeah yeah what about show girls like the acting in that was just like the story everything was it was fucking bananas it didn't even make any sense what about the kevin costner one the kevin costner one where they put like what a world is a good movie i didn't even see it but they said that that that was terrible they said no they just they just get into they they want to see it, Paul. They want to see somebody who's going for it in life go down. Go down. You got the award.

We got the award. Now let's watch you fall off the other side of the fucking mountain. I was sitting there watching it, looking at the cast. It's like that Heaven's Gate. It's like Jeff Bridges, Chris Christopherson, Christopher Walken. I'm like, how the fuck can this be bad? Yeah. Like, how can this be the worst fucking movie ever?

So I got to watch the rest of it. But it kind of fascinated me because I watched another movie, that Year of the Dragon with Mickey Rourke, which was the same director did that one too. And I thought that that was funny, like a classic Mickey Rourke, which was the same director did that one too. And I thought that that was funny, like a classic Mickey Rourke thing. Like this guy's on the outs, his movie bombed, and Mickey Rourke's like, yeah, I'll fucking work with him. That's what I've been doing that and studying for this fucking instrument exam.

I got this thing coming up for my instrument rating. So that's been taking up a lot of my time, but I've been keeping up with you. Goddamn Knicks, man. I didn't, I didn't see the end of the Laker game. It hurt. It, it, it could, I can honestly say it's in the top five hurt me the most because we're up 10 in the fourth. We're up two with 10 seconds left. We blow that. Then it goes to overtime. Then they're beating us in overtime by five. Then we go up one in overtime with a minute left and lose that. I mean, Bill, I was getting text messages. People were going, Verzi, I'm not even a fan of the Knicks. And I'm feeling for you. Like one guy was like, dude, I'm a Celtics fan and I want to see them clinch

tonight because we would have clinched last night. Dude, I was heartbroken. I was heartbroken. We still could clinch the playoffs, but dude, we have three games left. We dropped from fourth to sixth last night. I know. Yeah. Cause everybody's so close. Everybody's tied in the East. So brutal, man. It was, it really, really hurt, but Hey man, that's my God, dude. I swear to God, Paul, if you guys don't make the fucking playoffs, the way you guys have been playing, look at the look of pain on your face, dude. You're such a true... If they don't... Dude, I swear to God. This is how much love I have for you.

Like, I will literally give you, like, unless you reach out to me, I'll give you at least three to five days to process that. Do you remember back in the day before there was so much shit to watch when your team lost a bad one? Like, you just don't watch ESPN for a week.

Yeah. Because now they're going to gas up. Dude, that year when the undefeated Patriots lost to the Giants, I didn't watch ESPN for 10 days. I was like, I'm not watching this. Yeah. I can't sit there. One of the most unexpected. I can't sit there. We're the most unexpected.

I can't. No. Especially because we played each other a month before, and you guys scored 33 points on us, and we only won by like two points or whatever the fuck it was. And they were acting like. I think it was 38-35. I think you guys beat us 30.

I was at that game. Yeah, 38-35. We got 35 fucking points, and a month later we were 14 points. I'll never get over that. The bullshit hype of that. And then I got to sit there and act like Rudy just beat the fucking New England Patriots. I really had difficulty. Not that you beat us.

As much as that hurt. The storyline. That whole, we're underdogs. Nobody gave him a chance. It was like, ugh. Yeah. Yeah. First of all, it was probably too high of a point spread because it's Vegas keeping money

on both sides of the ball. Cause every shit header doesn't watch fucking football all year shows up and puts money on the game, which I did this year. I didn't watch as much football as I should have. And I bet the hell out of that Superbowl. I, it happens.

I, uh, yeah, we gotta, we gotta figure out steak dinners i still owe you for the super bowl and one of the i don't give a shit about that this is what we have to do i i have it like i have it in here you know i mean i i know when you come out here it's it's it's gonna be uh my birthday and father's day so i'm gonna i'm gonna pick a night because i know like both of those

days i'm not gonna be able to get away because it's going to be family shit right not saying family is shit i'm just saying i have to do family stuff it's how i talk before people get all fucking upset out there what's the day to father's day fuck i gotta figure that out what's the oh no you'll be i think you'll be i don't know if you'll be back i have no fucking idea well yeah i'll either way i'll work it out but dude there's gonna be a night or a day or something. It's going to be you, me, and Bartnick. Maybe a couple other characters. And we're going to figure out something.

What is that? What's the date of it? Oh, the 20th? 20th. You'll be back. I'll be back. I'll be back. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, dude. That's going to be. We're going to smoke a couple of really delicious, unbelievable sticks. Um, is there's no chance Billy's getting back on the, you're getting back on, you're not getting back in the booze, right? Are you going forever? Like, are you done forever? What are we doing here?

Did you hang up the cleats? Are we going to have to put your number up in the rafters? Or am I pretending to retire? And then I'm going to go sign with Tampa? ESPN goes, oh, he's coming back. He's coming back. They should have an ESPN for drunks. You're like the boxer who's on his second retirement.

They're like, no, he can't lay off. I'll do the Jordan comeback. You know, I got that itch again. With the wizard? Got to scratch that itch. Yeah. Oh, dude, when we drank that Johnny Blue, when we drank that Johnny Blue at your house,

the first time. I still have most of that stuff because I quit so long ago. So I still have, I got some Pappy's, I got some crazy vodkas that people have sent me and they're just sitting there. So if the Knicks don't make the playoffs, if the Knicks don't make it, and I don't know if I could do this podcast. I'll do this podcast.

It'll be you talking. My head will be down. I'll just be – how funny would it be if Stacy was just rubbing my back? I'm just going to have a picture of you with your head in an oven with the Knicks logo on the side of it. After the defense that they've played and stuff i mean we still got listen dude what's going on with the 76ers everybody's talking brooklyn this and brooklyn that and uh what's his face got hit hit in the face the other day i mean that was well it was

weak dude that was fucking weak you fucking fucking basketball players man guy takes an elbow and he's just gone for the rest of the fucking game. What happened with the Celtics? I saw you guys had like 35 wins. How do we have three more wins than you? Did you guys have like a- We haven't consistently, we just haven't been consistently winning. Every time we start to get some momentum and going, then people get hurt. We had a while where Smart was out.

Jalen Brown was out the other night. I haven't watched him much in the last month. I've been got real busy. But, you know, we're kind of we need, you know, I don't know. I don't know what we need. We need maybe like a big man or something. I'm not good with hoop, dude. I just I just know I love the Celtics and I love watching them.

And Tatum and Brown are definitely our future. And Marcus Smart is just, you know, the guy does all of this shit that doesn't show up on the stat sheet. I love the Celtics, man. And I hope, you know, we can. I just don't want to sit there and be like we need another piece and we have to go buy somebody off of fucking new orleans or some one of these fucking uh teams that just gets harvested every three years yeah yeah i uh it is it is it is what it is what do you think can this the sixers beat brooklyn they're not getting any respect i kind of like that i think i think that the sick yeah like dude

everybody everybody's even saying like that the way brooklyn think that the sick, yeah, like dude, everybody, everybody's even saying like that the way Brooklyn, one guy, one of the big, those three are hurt. Then another guy like takes personal time. Then another guy is like, they've never been on the floor together. I think Joel Embiid is really, really hard to defend on the Sixers. I think they have that kid, Ben Simmons on the Sixers is one of the best defensive players. Doc Rivers is the coach. They have shooters. I think the Sixers can beat them, dude. I really do. I think the Sixers. Doc Rivers is in Philly. Doc Rivers is in Philly. Oh, that series is over. I do not think the Brooklyn Nets are going to do it. And here's the thing. Somebody said, we said, we're going to do a segment on anything better called the

better or worse. Right? So let's, let's get into that because it reminded me of it. Somebody just wrote last night during all the tweets. I was going like, I go, the Knicks defense. Can you guys believe people were going? How good are they? And I just, you know, I was talking shit. I got excited, Bill. Is there anything better than not hearing where Brooklyn at? Who said that? That goes to Anthony said that. I'm not going to say their last name. But Anthony on my Twitter said, is there anything better than not hearing where Brooklyn at? He even said no. No. The answer is no. I will be rooting for the Celtics, the Sixers, anybody to beat those rats over there at the Barclays Center.

Andrew, should we read some of these or what? Yeah, let's read. We got some people wrote in. Anything better? Here's one. Is there anything better than waking up after a Friday night of drinking and listening to these two lunatics who you scarily relate to personality-wise and laughing till you cry?

Nice. Nice. Nice. I got one from from Philip who said, is there anything worse? Is there anything worse than going to a food tourist trap? He said we went to a place undercooked eggs, undercooked pasta, bad service all around. Here's the only thing. Anthony is right there. No, I'm not Anthony. I'm sorry. Philip. Philip is right. There is nothing worse, but you can't go to the tourist

trap. I remember when I went to Austin, Texas, they were like, everybody's going to tell you to go to here for barbecue. Here's where you really go. So if somebody says this is the place tourist traps, don't go. You got to know that you got to kind of understand you're setting yourself up for failure when there's a line around the block for shit yeah dude and undercooked eggs is one of the worst things to have undercooked really you say undercooked eggs dude i was in fucking uh i still remember i did my one and only time i ever did stand up i was in um Wyoming, Cheyenne, Wyoming. I did a gig there and just in the middle of nowhere. It was fucking hilarious because there was only one bar that was open afterwards. So everybody went there. So it was like oddly progressive. It was like the cowboy ranchers you saw,

they were gay couples. There was military and you know, joins the military so you had every every race religion and everything it was fucking hilarious um but anyway the next day me and dean went to this this place um had a drive-through window liquor store next door with the strip club in the back and across the street wow this is all coming yeah dude it was dark that was a dark place dude um that's horrific a drive-through liquor with a strap club liquor store and i think you could also get like videos videos behind the counter and then in the back room was and all the way back was like a titty bar or a peep show type of thing. But across the street, like diagonally or something like that, was this little place where you could get breakfast. It was a mom and pop type place.

And I swear to God, dude, the fucking chef must have been sick that day. Because I ordered eggs over easy. And, dude, I could still see through the fucking eggs when it came to my plate. That's different. Yeah, like I'm Rambo and I'm going to fucking eggs when it came to my plate. I was just that's different. Yeah. Yeah. Like I'm Rambo and I'm going to fucking or a rocky going to Mac Weldon. Everybody this year, spring is going to hit a little different because we're all finally starting to get back outside and see friends again. No matter where your adventures take you, bring the comfort and style of Mac Weldon along for the ride.

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I'm going to be at SideSplitters in Tampa, Florida. I'm doing a bunch of shows. I'm bringing Joe Bartnick with me. We're going to be there. I'm going to be doing shows May 20th through the 23rd, Thursday through Sunday, bringing the new hour. Come out to that June 11th and 12th. I will be in Austin, Texas at the Vulcan Gas Company. And June 25th and 26th, I will be at Wise Guys in Salt Lake City.

Tickets are going now. Definitely come out, watch the show and enjoy yourself. I hope to see you guys there. You can go to paulverzi.com for all my tour dates as well. That's right. Catch Paul Verzi at a comedy club before you can't. Hey, Bill, where are you going to be? I think July 2nd or July 3rd, I'm going to be at the Cosmopolitan in Vegas. Is that one night or two, Andrew? Two nights, Paul. Bingo, bingo. Oh, Billy Boy's getting back into the swing of things in Vegas.

I'm getting the willies thinking about it. Oh, me now. I'm old now. I let the young people have their good time, and I'm not going to be that old bald orange freak route, you know, ruining their good time hanging out. Oh, I always wonder what these DJ shows were like. I got a question for you. You're at the Cosmo. You did two great shows. You go back to the room. It's still somewhat early.

You get a knock on the door, you open the door and it's all Pauly McAnoodle and Joe Barton. It gone bartnick on bill come on just just for a half hour let's go play some dice you going or not yeah i'm gonna go down there yeah come on um that's great i don't know if i would i would actually stay i'm really into just staying in the fucking room now you would actually talk us into staying you go no get cigars i got a little balcony i got a thing i'll go fucking order a bottle you guys can get fucked up and bartnick would go in on this uh stand on this balcony like jack lord at the beginning of hawaii 50 and then and then bartnick always is reasonable he goes guys yeah whatever you want to do let's just we'll go to the balcony it's such an easy

easy fucking guy so he happened to me Somebody said, is there anything worse than adopting slang ironically only to have it become part of your vernacular? So basically, yeah, be making fun of something. That happened to me. That happened to me. That's a great one, dude. It was a long time ago. I'm going to spare the details.

But me and my wife were watching something. And this dude said to the chick, he goes, yeah, he goes, you liked it that. He goes, you liked it that, right? And then between us, it became liked it did it. You liked it did that. We added an extra ED on it. And I was in a meeting with this agent and he's going oh yeah you just did this stand-up club how was it out there i said oh yeah i liked it i liked

try and cover it and i saw in his face like he filled in a whole fucking backstory of just like this guy's a fucking moron and uh just put it this way i didn't get signed was over they passed i was i was put on waivers uh we're gonna do when we do these anything better anything worse we should mix it up with sports with whatever like stuff like that but this one was from um shavam i don't know that was what the name on the twitter whatever but he said is there anything better than laying down listening to a richard prior a prior album you've heard a million times and finding something new in it nothing and that that is the other night i put on an old rich Pryor. I might have been the one live in concert, I think. And I remember just going, oh, my God, that was him who said that.

That was him. And like all these extra things. So that is always the best. Even when you watch those comedy movies. I watched Naked Gun the other day. Leslie Nielsen. There's a joke every 15 seconds. And when you watch it again and again, you're going, I didn't even realize that he did that. Like, that like i didn't there was it's too much there's so many fucking jokes in that movie i remember it

was one of the greatest days i was uh that movie came out i want to say it came out in december because there was some sort of event i was working in a warehouse and they had either some company party or a christmas party maybe it wasn't december i don't know when it came out andrew you looking that up i i think not naked gun won the first one um all i know is we had some company events all the guys in the warehouse we all got together and some of the chicks from the carpet area we all got together we went out and watched the naked gun and just fucking crying laughing that's so funny just it was even funnier because we were all there and then later on that night we went to

the company event and just we were all still underage and all went out and just no maybe i was like 21 i think i was 20 what's that 88 it came out in 88 yes i was 20 when did it come out like what month do you know the release date whatever it was there was some sort of company event and we went there you know underage people didn't give a shit then they had booze there and we just got absolutely fucking annihilated drunk dancing to like tone loke and all this shit that was like the jams, Bananarama. You want it? You got it. Oh, that was 89.

No, this was like I was at the funky Cold Modena, that shit. Oh, yeah. And it's a cruel, cruel summer. That was Karate Kid. Andrew, that's the biggest, that's the big hit from Karate Kid is when he moved and, like, he was there dealing with everything. That is mom, when he moved to the valley from Jersey. And it's a banana ram, a cruel summer was on the major, major part of that.

It came out, I can't read that. December 2nd. Oh, yeah, so it was our Christmas party came out. I can't read that. December 2nd. Oh, yeah. So it was our Christmas party. Yeah. December. That's great. Yeah.

I love. We talked about that for like three years. Just going like, dude, that was the perfect day. What about Naked Gun 2? When he went to the Blue Note was the name of the bar. And on the wall, they had a picture of the hindenburg the titanic and then michael ducakis's headshot yeah dude it was just never ending wild wild the fucking characters are telling jokes oh dude and keeping straight faces because it was deadpan like literal

humor like yeah i don't know how how Leslie Nielsen did that. Here's a good one. Reminds me of something. Is there anything better than putting on warm socks after a cold shower? And the person writes, no way anyone can beat that. I love the confidence of that one. You know what?

I got one that's the opposite. Somebody goes, is there anything worse than wet socks? Listen, let's be honest. Oh, that's a bad one. A good pair of socks, a fresh pair of socks right out of the package on your feet after a shower is, it's fucking up there, man. I got one for you. Is there anything worse than sitting down at a diner and getting a sticky fork? No.

Just the syrup from some other fucking animal is on it. Or even if it's you, the second it gets sticky, it's just, I literally will take the fucking water, dip a napkin in like I'm not drinking that and clean it. that and clean it i will say the cold shower though is there anything better after you took a hot shower to then turn on the cold fight through that it sucks when you're underneath it but that feeling after that feeling after after the cold water tough one dude for me remember we would do steam remember we would do a steam and then i'd go into the cold and you would just hear me you would you was that's i i didn't even feel the cold water i'd just hear me. You would, you was that's I, I didn't even feel the cold water. I'd be laughing so hard. I hear Verzi in the stall over just going,

ha ha. Ah, oh God. Ah, ah. I couldn't, I couldn't handle that, man.

Yeah. You, you guys took that like a champ. I don't know how you do. These allergies are just killing me, man. I'm not, I mean,

dude, I never had allergies until my mid-30s and now i just i'm sneezing on my eyes are red you got allergies or no that claret and it's not working nothing you don't get that pollen shit andrew you i i think like i mean if i inhale some pollen it makes me cough but like i don't turn into uh i don't get like that hay fever my wife gets allergies oh my god dude i'm gonna sneeze hold on go ahead man no no it's just it's all genetics paul you know what i mean dude my car is i can't help it you just you know you're part of a weaker family tree.

No, I never had them until now. I don't know what's going on. You're allergic to nature. I mean, it's normal. Dude, I got my. I'm allergic to the sun. So, I mean, I can't judge you. It's a give or take.

No, I got my Lexus cleaned and I got the fucking, you know, I got the whole package, you know, inside out, cup holders, the whole deal. I got the car completely wiped down. Shoes shined, detail, the whole thing. And the next day, my car is just caked over in green pollen going. Fuck. It's just it's yeah, it's brutal, man. You got to get a tarp. Do my dad had a my dad had a cover. He had a cover for the seats.

You're getting mad at my dad's car was like a 10 minute ordeal and just like everything had to be covered wheels draped over i'm like that's fucking great man i love that shit it's i mean he did preserve the car for 18 years you know how my dad lost his mercedes after 18 years i know flood up to the window thing had i i still remember there was a guy uh when i was on my honeymoon we were in in the south of france oh billy world traveler i was out there and uh this guy pulled up with a mercedes that was from like maybe like the early 90s i got married in like 2013 so this is like 2014 we finally went on the honeymoon um and he pulled up and i in like broken french i told i was able to tell him how much i liked his car and and uh how much if you ask him if he was the first owner and like that and he dude

this thing was immaculate it was still like showroom condition and it was like probably like a 91 or a 92 like i don't know if they had the s5 if it was called the s550 but it was it was the big shot one back then before they came up with the s600 and all the other shit that they have now no there there's something really cool about keeping the car and and and just holding on to it you know like i was gonna get rid of my car and then i'm like no you know the only thing is i got a hundred and like over 130 000 miles on it but that doesn't mean anything dude the lex it's all highway from here to the city and they're well no the thing that it's a fucking engine block dude what it takes to to like the fact that people's cars shit the bed at 150 000 miles

it's because they didn't take care of it i mean there's shit that's gonna go you know the belts the timing uh chain whatever the fuck that is i don't know much about cars but it's just like if you just maintain the damn thing and get stuff fixed along the way and do maintenance and that type of stuff i mean theoretically like the engine should last forever. Dude, they find fucking cars. I watch those car shows all the time. They'll find one that's been sitting in the fucking,

in a barn or outside somebody's house for 30 years. Yeah. You know, they shoot a little fucking, they do a little something with the carburetor. They shoot, shoot some gas down there, air,

whatever the fuck they do. They start the thing up. I've seen them do it with cars from the 1930s. And somebody's like, you know, my fucking Chevy's got 150,000 miles on it. I got to get something new. It's like you don't. You just, it's the disease. It's the allure of just getting something new.

Like my car, I'm going to drive my car like forever. Like the seat's finally getting broken in and what's great is no one really rides in the thing at least in the front seat or the other side my daughter sits in the back you know with the kid seat so like all those those seats are like immaculate yeah and and the driver's side seat is starting to get like broken in and shit and if it looks cool and um i don't know all those old school guys they used to hang on to cars you know you are guys i said this a thousand times i will say it again bill burr is the most italian non-italian kid i've ever from

food to the fucking like the way you treat your fucking possessions you know you just you i think you just have i think you you don't hold us pasted europeans in a high enough light you just think we're drunks that can shake off a fucking hangover which we are which we can you fucking guys you're like soccer players oh oh my fucking head yo guilty as charged that is 100 i need a cappuccino oh i will tell you this dude i don't fucking drink coffee at all but every once in a while when i have the if it's an afternoon and i have a if i have a little cigar a fucking cappuccino forget about it yeah i fucking love it i hate how fucking donnie brosco ruined forget about it yeah love it i hate how donnie brosco ruined forget about it that was such a awesome you could use it for just like they say they explained it then i remember

they they these people out here made me stop saying it because i would say it then they'd go forget about it yeah and ruin it yeah that i was doing the movie it's like i wasn't that's what people said um expresso is really good too when uh when sinatra sinatra was on carson and he was telling that story with the little cup the little that's the one that's the little one yeah and um the burt young and in popa greenwich village which you've still never seen i know i gotta see that and i try i put fucking lie in his coffee i i yeah man how come those classics aren't there pope i can't get it you have to get you got to join hulu and then get the the cinemax appendix the add-on the uh the the rust proof you got to add fucking Cinemax to your Hulu purchase.

And then you can find it. It's one of the most underrated fucking movies from back then. Here, I got a Shark Tank. I got a Shark Tank invention for you. You ready? Here's what you do. I hate those guys. I want a TV where I can just go, hey, movie.

Right? The way you talk to, like, Alexa. Movie. Then a movie catalog. Classics, then classic comes up, all vocal. Pope of Greenwich Village, blah, boom. Okay, buy this for 20 bucks, done. What's happened?

Why can't we do that now? It's 2021. I could talk to Alexa and ask Alexa what fucking, you know, what's going on. They can't just give it to you all at once. Your fucking head would explode and they'd make no money. Why can't a fucking iPad do what a laptop could do? Why can't a laptop do what an iPad could do? Because then you'd only buy one.

It's all about just keep giving you a little bit more and you just keep going. When are they going to do this? When are they going to do that? That Cat Williams joke. Cat Williams. That's one of my, that's one of my, one of the all times is a beast. I was watching one of his specials the other night. This might be one of the funniest fucking comics I've ever seen. Cat Williams is one of the most fucking hilarious.

That joke. Electrifying. I never use that word. Performer. How he, that drug dealer joke where he goes, yo, that last shit I gave him. He was okay. But this shit, this shit right here, this shit right here. He goes, that other shit. That was all right.

But this shit, this dude, I was fucking crying. He goes, this shit, this shit. I wonder if he knows how much he crossed over. I wonder if he knows how much he crossed over. Because I remember when his shit came out, every comic I knew was like, dude, that fucking guy. I was watching his shit there. That guy is fucking hilarious.

He paces the stage too, like I like. He just wipes his sweat. He also mastered the volume thing. He knows when to go down and then just fucking unleash that energy and just takes you on that ride. And then he lets you recover. Brings it down again. Dude, the guy is master. Master comic.

He's fucking great. He got this shit right here. He goes, it's always better than the last that's what he said he goes drug dealers new shit is always better than the last which is so so true um i had this funny uh i had this funny observation where women at because i'm going to lucas's um going to lucas's literally game today and mothers do this thing when they watch sports totally different than fathers and i gotta put this in my act somewhere but a mother can be like like literally multitask where they were going oh my god what did you do in the kitchen is that teal

let's get some rest just going and i'm just going he better not drop the fucking ball like as a father i'm just pacing and i'm doing and he better not drop the fucking ball like as a father i'm just pacing and i'm doing and i gotta put something there because the mothers get more of the game yeah dude you're watching the game like this just sitting there like this they're talking about where are we going on vacation how was the bedroom and then they'll come off oh come on i didn't like that last pitch i gotta put that in there dude because like these baseball moms are fucking cool they're like ah come on that wasn't a strike do you know how bad do you know how bad i want to go to a poorly attended day baseball game and just get up you know i miss getting up but i'm going

to beer in this hot dog and a beer in the sun at a at a not in the sun i would always do i would always look at the stadium map and i would get make sure oh i figured east west where's the sun at a at a not my son dude i always i would always do i would always look at the stadium map and i would get make sure oh i figure east west where's the sun i'm dude i had to be underneath or else i would look like a lobster for my show that night i would just sit there and just keep score i fucking i fucking love that shit man what is the tannest you've ever been i gotta see if i what's that like the darkest you've ever been like do you first of all the fact that you even suggest that i ever got tan i mean yeah no back in the day i mean i used to get like a brutal sunburn and i go to the town

pool every day so i would be surprisingly uh less pasty than this but you just sort of just get like i just would get a reddish brown right what i did was i just i finally accepted that it wasn't gonna happen for me i let go of that dream um somewhere my senior year right after my senior year, I just was like, you know what? Fuck this. I'm not trying to. Like I was literally trying to be something I wasn't. It's funny as that is, just trying to get a tan. And I don't do it.

But it's also why I don't look like I'm going to be 53 next month. But I like to think I don't look. My face isn't be 53 next month, but I like to think I don't look, my face isn't all fucking wrinkled up and shit because I did pretty much stay out of the sun. You're going to be 53, dude? I met you when I was like 26, or I met you like a week before my 27th birthday. How much, am I 10 or 11 years older than you?

You're you're like 10 and a half years older than me. All right. So you're like 10 and a half. Yeah. Yeah. Because I felt like I met you. I was like I was 37. You were.

Yes. You were like, yeah, you were like 37 because I opened for you. I opened for you. No, it doesn't make sense i had to been older than that no i opened for you at distress factory in 07 and you were 38 no i was 39 now you opened for no you opened for me because my uh hbo special just came out that was 05 so you were younger than that no no no That was, but then we didn't hang out after that. I met you in 05, but then I opened, yeah, then in 07.

That you called the first time. This is a cool story for the fans of the show. The first time me and Bill ever spoke on the phone. It was a true story. I was in Jersey going to my mother-in-law's and it was winter. It was cold. And no, no, no. I'm sorry. I was home. That was another time. One time you called you go, Hey, I know people call around Christmas, say Merry Christmas. That's not my style. That was funny.

That was when I was in Jersey. You said to me when I was home, once you go, all right, man, I answered the phone. You go, Hey Paul, how you doing? Bill Burr. It was like, Oh seven. You go. Now you said to me that new England Patriots have the best offense you've ever seen. And then just went off for fucking 30, 40 minutes telling me about that. And I remember going, wow, man, this guy's really into sports. And, uh, I thought it was hilarious. Yeah. Oh, that's right. The, the, the undefeated. Cause I was telling you, I'm like, they're going to lose that defense. I was at that game. Yeah. I was at that game yeah i was at that game where uh brady won the brady got the record to moss's getting the record so it was most touchdowns by a quarterback in a season

to most receptions by a wide receiver for a touchdown and it was brady and i was standing next to my buddy nick and i looked over i always tell you a story and i go why is he single covered and brady took a three-step drop and threw a fucking bomb to moss and he he went in uh i don't know it's gonna kill me if edelman comes out of retirement goes to tampa that's gonna kill me why why how so why would it kill you just because you don't want another guy that was on you you want him to just in a perfect world they all would have stayed. Okay. I mean, I can't get like, I mean, I'm not going to be literally mad.

I'm not gonna be mad at him. I'm just saying as a fan, it's going to kill me. Do you feel as a fan of the new England Patriots and Tom Brady, Brady going to Tampa and winning also solidifies you having the greatest quarterback of all time? Yeah, and I wish more people would say that as opposed to saying this solidifies that he's better than Bill Belichick. And the amount of people that say that don't understand that Bill was the guy behind Bill Parcells. he, you know, that they don't understand that Tom has seven rings

and Bill Belichick has eight. And they don't understand that this guy has been winning Super Bowls since 1986. Nobody's done that. Nobody won in the, he won in the 80s, he won in the 90s,

he won in the 2000s, and he won in the teens. He won one in the 80s. He won in the 90s. He won in the 2000s. And he won in the teens. He won one in the 80s, one in the 90s, three in the aughts, three in the teens. I mean, you just... He's just always... And now we just drafted this kid from Alabama who seems like a Bill Belichick-style quarterback. So we'll see what he can do. I mean, by the time, man, I mean, Belichick's like 70 years old.

Dude, you know who's the oldest coach in the NFL? No, who's that? You want to talk about a guy who looks great for his age? Pete Carroll. Yeah, because when he's like 70 70 years old sociopaths without a conscience wear up with you in a bar no sociopaths without a conscience don't age that guy's a fucking weasel man i'm telling you he's a so there's no conscience with him there's no guilt so he just there's no guilt he's the type of guy you know i'm not saying he's done this but he's the type of guy that if

he cheated on his wife just come home and kiss his kids and not even think twice about it. That guy's a sociopath. A hundred percent, Pete Crowe's a sociopath. Okay, what are you basing that on? Just, you know, he's the type of guy, you know, first of all, a sociopath, they kick a field goal and he goes, woo! I know, but you know, the way he got out of USC. Is that the ass?

I mean, he left USC fucking high and dry. He knew there was a shit storm coming to that fucking team. What do you think? Sneaky Pete didn't know that that hurricane was coming? He ran out that back door like that fucking guy in every blues song. His bags were packed before his last bowl game. That fucking sneak. He ran out the back like the locksmith in Pope of Greenwich Village.

I'm going to keep fucking saying that to you until you watch that movie. Listen to me. I watched that Sons of Sam, that guy Maury Terry, who fucking realized that David Berkowitz wasn't the son of Sam, that there was fucking multiple of them in that satanic group in Yonkers, which they just fucking proved, which is crazy. And the public didn't know it. Right.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What? Exactly. So the son of Sam. There is no exactly. Where did you get this information?

It's it's right now. Look at son. It's on. It's a documentary that's out. I think you could you could see it on Netflix. It's called Son of Saul. You watched the documentary and you were convinced Courtney killed Kurt. No, no, no. I wasn't convinced. I said it raised good questions. It raised good questions and I

wouldn't... No, no, no, no. Don't fucking back off. Don't you pee Carol and run out the back door in that one. I wouldn't doubt it. I wouldn't doubt it. No, that's... No, Paul. Paul, you were at category five now you're tropical storm paul no no i'm probably a category no i'm probably i watched another one i'm probably a category three you've watched that you look dude did you see that uh kurt and courtney dude this chick killed her husband and got away with it and i was just laughing going paul you watched a documentary and you kept staying with it i finally just just said, I was like, Paul, do you really think a drug addict from three States away killed her husband and fucking got away with it?

There's just a lot of fishy things, man. You know, with a shotgun shot. It's the point of the documentary is to raise questions. Okay. It'd be like, well, what about this? And then play that, that, you know, that, that synthesizer. And it makes you go like, like, is there somebody in the room with me? And all of a sudden. Well, the son of Sam thing was proven.

Like this is, this is not a, this is not up for discussion. This happened. This is proven. It was. Son of Sam sam it just got proven that michael berkowitz david david berkowitz sorry mike berkowitz is my fucking agent yes david berkowitz yes david berkowitz killed david Berkowitz did two of the shootings that happened. Another man by the name of John Carr did it. And another man by the name of Michael Carr did it.

And they were killed. And there was a satanic group in Yonkers that met. And it was a you're going we're going real fast. They were killed when who killed them and who said they did. Did the cops say this? Yeah. Yes. The cops have said it. But the cops have said that the other are now dead in this. You got it. We got to watch this. It's all real, Bill. It's called it's called the Sons of Sam. And more.

You can take that documentary, as The Rock used to say, turn it sideways and shove it straight up your candy ass because I'm not watching it. It's 100 percent true. It's not 100 percent true. It's 100 percent a documentary you watch. You just said watched you just said like you just watched that on the fucking nightly news you watched the documentary my whole family everybody that i knew called it goes michael moore documentaries they act like people in canada are

nice those fucking guys lose a playoff series they They burn down this city. It's ridiculously racist. They prove this is Canada. Just to make a point of like, look how nice they are compared to awful America. And it was in his documentary. There's no libel or slander evidently in a fucking documentary. I would tell you this. I mean,

you're not going to watch it. If you watch it, you would know it's a whole thing and a lot of people didn't know it is reported because he was in a place where he physically couldn't have killed the one first of all what is Satanism Paul what do you mean what is Satanism Satanism is a fucking

it's basically the opposite of a Christian group they fucking they do terrible things they worship Satan and Satananists act they don't yeah they don't types there's different types no i'm sorry i don't know i'm not up on my what what is it okay well the satanist that i talked to way back in the day on uninformed he was saying that a true satanist doesn't believe in the devil. That's organized religion bullshit. A Satanist is someone, they just live for their own pleasure. Like, I don't want to have kids. I don't want to be in

a monogamous relationship. I just want to eat, sleep, drink, fuck, do whatever I want to do. And they make it like a lifestyle. They're not saying, no, we don't do any fucking, unless he was lying to me but i think if he's lying to me he would have tried to get me to uh join or show up for a sacrifice where i was the sacrificial pasty lamb yeah well that's i didn't know that that's so it's basically so that's almost seems like not an anarchist but like that seems like um what's the we're not self-involved, selfish cunt. It's what?

A hedonist. Yeah, a hedonist. Yeah. Hedonist. Okay. Where a lot of religions is about anywhere from like moderation to totally denial and guilt and all of that shit. Like in the Catholic religion where you just were born, you're already sinned. So I am not watching something. Let me just tell you. I'm just telling you. So I just want to tell you,

because so my mom lived in the neighborhood, the Berkowitz and the two guys, the guy that he said, the dog and all that shit that was in Yonkers. And there were sketches of the guy who did it. There were sketches and there were three different sketches and they were all different. And then when you see it's, it's, it's John Carr, his brother, Michael and David Berkowitz, they work together. So David Berkowitz is, was arrested as a son of Sam and admitted to the murder, but it wasn't just, yeah, you cracked the case, Paul. No, it just wasn't, it wasn't him. All him. It wasn't all him. It's okay. If me, if me, you and Thameless went out and killed people randomly and you got caught and then me and him ended up dead or killed ourselves you're the son of sam that's that's all it was

saying anyways i digress i've seen shit where like they're training cops and everybody's sitting in a room and a guy comes in he goes bam bam and then runs out of the room and the cop was all right i just got shot what did that guy look? People don't even get the shirt color right. And you're telling me there's a guy sitting there fucking shooting a 44 fucking magnum at you or you're looking at a guy doing that and like the sketches aren't going to be a little off? No, but I'm talking about witnesses

that saw it from a distance. That's exactly what I'm talking about. They saw it from a distance, which is even more difficult to get an accurate sketch. Right, but then how does a sketch look exactly like the guy? It looked just like John Carr. That's the thing. Because, Paul, I could do a bad fucking sketch

and find a guy who looks like... That lives in... That's in the same group as the... Paul, black people have been talking about that forever. They just have a sketch of a black guy a certain build or whatever dude if you do a bald sketchy guy of my build i'm gonna look like him hey that kind of looks like bill burr how many times do you drive down the street look at that versi looking guy all right fair enough i'm just saying it was very interesting doc and it and it was you know, not what you're saying.

You're saying that they cracked the code and they solved who did it. And then sees two other guys and, you know, and I'm saying I'm calling bullshit. I think it's a theory. It's an interesting theory. It could be true, but it has not been proven. It's been presented as a theory. There's a big difference. The NYPD kind of admitted it. The NYPD admitted it in the doc. They're saying like, look, we know we got the guy that we saw, but there were people working with him. That's what I'm saying. And then when he got caught, those guys just stopped. And the guy that investigated it, Geraldo Rivera had him on, 2020 had him on. Oh, Geraldo Rivera, there's a credible guy. No, I'm saying he was on all those shows, and then he fucking proved.

Those shows are trash, Paul. Bill, that's why the guy got shit for going on those shows, but he needed somewhere to get his word out. The only person working with him was a New York coach. To promote his project. He's trying to make fucking rent, make a little bit of money, get himself a nice piece of ash. There's a whole economy around

this, Paul. I mean, listen, you can say for sure, no. But I think that when you watch this documentary and then, and Berkowitz admitted it himself, Berkowitz in jail said it too. The crazy guy who was talking to the dogs? What did he say? a, now he's a devout Christian. Okay. And, uh, he's, uh, helps with the jail. He's supposed to make them better. I think he just got even crazier. No, he said, he goes, he said, I don't want to relive this. Stop asking me questions. And he said, I'll ask one more time. And then he said, they asked him, they said, David, did you do, did you kill this person? And he goes, yes, I did. And he goes, did you kill that person? And he goes, yes, I did. And he goes, did you kill that person and he goes yes i did and he goes did you kill that person and he goes yes

i did and he goes did you kill that person and he goes no i did not do that and he says so you weren't there was it john carr and he goes yeah it was john carr that one and he goes did his brother do this yes david did you kill this person yes i did that david did because no but i was there we watched it together that was in advance so that's how to talk to dogs i'm telling you but you got to even hear that because there's a whole description of that too there's a whole story about that the media is going to tell us what we want you know something when the cops come out the cops yeah detectives and they come out and they say we looked at this shit we got some DNA, and we proved it. I'm not going to fucking sit and waste 90 minutes of my life

going, ooh. It's four hours. It's four hours. Four hours? It's four episodes for per hour. Well, I went through that period in my life. I read Beyond Behold a Pale Horse. I got into the Federal Reserve.

I just, it's just a remember you people saying crazy some of it's right some of it's wrong half of it's right half of it's wrong i i and i'm gonna be 53 years old paul i'm on like the 13th hole here i don't have time to watch some jerk off who's trying to make money off of me trying to and and like your proof is that you're going to talk to a guy who listened to dogs who went around and shot people. No, no, no. The guy's dead. The guy died years ago, rest his soul.

He died a long time ago. Well, your guy that you're saying, I did this, I didn't do this, thought a dog was talking to him. If that guy told you where to invest your money, are you listening to him? If he wants to start a podcast with you, I mean, the fucking source, like your footnotes are fucking, I don't know what to do with them here. Geraldo Rivera, a guy who talks to dogs. You like Shark Tank, Paul? Hey, guess what? I'm out.

I love Shark Tank. I'm out i love shark i'm out i hate shark tank why assholes preying on those people they don't have any money they got their little dream oh that sounds like a good idea hey let me let me take this big chunk out of your company because i'm gonna take you to the stars no you're not you're gonna keep it for yourself and buy a mountain of cocaine or more botox or whatever the it is you're not. You're going to keep it for yourself and buy a mountain of fucking cocaine or more Botox or whatever the fuck it is you're doing. And the way that they sit there, like, ooh, ooh, look at us. We have all this fucking money. Well, why don't you out there managing it?

How come it didn't make you happy? You're still so fucking empty you got to do a TV show about how great you are? Fuck all of them. Hey, man. As comics, we know about that. I noticed when you open a can that sometimes you cut your finger. Hey, stop right there.

Stop right there. How many units have you sold? Are you in profit? What are your margins? What are your margins? And they're acting like they're playing chess. My wife watches that fucking show. I would rather watch The Real Housewives than that stupid-ass fucking Shark Tank.

Mark Cuban with his dumb dyed hair. Because in his 60s, he's got jet black hair trying to be the next fucking, what is that fucking guy? Dick Clark. Listen, I like the show. I was with you until you said you'd watch Housewives over it. Come on. You're going to watch some fucking cunty chick who got fucking injections

in her fucking tits or whatever, yelling that her husband didn't buy her the Range Rover she wanted, calling her neighbor a cunt? Who's she hurting, Paul? Who's she hurting? She's not buying your dream. She's making an ass of herself. Maybe she'll have a makeup line.

I'll tell you, she won't have shit if she talks to those fucking assholes because they'll buy up all of it. All right, here's what I'll do. I'll give you the $250,000. I want 44%. You know what I'd love to? Is then the other guy sit there and try to pressure him into it. You going to walk away from that? Yeah. Take the Dino. You know what I love too? Is then the other guys sit there and try to pressure him into it.

You're going to walk away from that? Yeah. Take the deal. You broke fucking so-and-so? Yeah. No, I don't like when they try to take 50% of a company. I like when they make an offer and somebody says no. When you watch them, they get mad.

They're like fucking children. Yo, my brother. They get fucking mad because no one tells them no my brother's friend went on the show my brother steven's friend went on the show in like season three and he asked for two million dollars he had this company that was like when you put in a search engine something like they help put what you want for some, some fucking thing, some crazy tech company. And he has for 2 million and they, they offered him the 2 million, but for too much money. And my brother's friend, too much of a percentage of the company,

they wanted too much of the kid's company, but they said they'd give him 2 million. So he goes, that's too much. There's too much. And he goes, will you do this? And they go, no. And then he just goes and then you know they were going we're giving you two million dollars you asked for two million he goes there's too much of the company he goes i'm sorry i'm gonna have to respectfully decline and he walked out that's awesome we give you money if i have a problem i stick a bag and i give it money i everything about the show i can't stand they're acting like they're trying to help those people they aren't they're trying to take advantage of he's a millionaire he's crushing it

i'll find the name i'll find the name of he's crushing no i'm saying what i don't like about that show that's what i don't like about that show what's fucking hilarious paul's all this fucking narrative out there about that exact fucking thing that's going on on that show every night and everybody's oh i love it i don't know i don't understand people's fascination with with rich people or divas walking around treating people like shit they can't get enough of it yes queen yeah she's just fucking strutting around the stage like she's better than everybody there it's like, what fucking self-esteem do you fucking have? It's like, sing the fucking song,

you asshole. That's what I paid for. I don't need to watch you prancing around like you fucking cured cancer. Yeah. We're living in a time where Jake Paul is fucking fighting Floyd Mayweather. His brother's fighting for like a hundred million dollars, man. And people want to watch it.

You know? I mean, you know know there's always been the freak show at the circus so i mean if that's what the fuck you want to watch go ahead and watch it but like you're not getting my money you're not getting my money dude i i i didn't pay for mayweather versus fucking uh conor mcgregor what that? 200 bucks people pay for that? Remember Jackie Moon? They should have been in court the next day. Yeah.

But you know what it is, though? You go to your friend's house. There's 10, 15 buddies there smoking cigars. You all chip in the 200, so it's 10 bucks, and people watch a fucking shit show. So, Paul, anytime you got a bunch of friends over there, I can walk into your house and take $200 worth of stuff, but it's okay because you're hanging out with your friends.

And not only that, I presented you as a good person, that I was going to go in there and do something nice for you. Yeah, but that's different because you're not entertaining me. You're taking shit. Okay. All right. I would argue that they came in and he held the other guy up

for fucking eight rounds the same way Conor would have held him up if they were doing MMA rules and he took 200 bucks out of your fucking pocket. And he went out and bought another incredible suit and that guy went out bought another white ferrari or fucking lamborghini whatever i saw a lamborghini the other day dude the license plate said entrepreneur on it how funny is that just in case you're wondering how I got the car. I mean, isn't it enough that you have a Lamborghini? Like, just imagine, dude.

First of all, you get a Lamborghini, the kind of woman that you're going to attract. And then just say there's a few good ones in there. The fact that your license plate also says entrepreneur. I mean, they're gone. They're just like, I just, this guy's going to lose it all. He has it, but he's going to lose it. I better get a prenup by the end of this date. Yeah. I don't know, man. I get entertained by it because I like to guess if they like the company. That's what I do. I like to guess if they like the company. That's what I do. I like to guess if

they like the company when they walk in, when like they give the presentation of what the company does. I like to go, all right, this one's not going or this one, someone's going to want this. But, um, Paul, it's a fucking show. You can watch it if you want to. Paul, listen, I'm just, I'm just entertaining. That's all I'm doing, Paul. Okay. Who, who am I? Just, you know, I'm just, I'm right. Who am I who am i you know i'm just i'm just some bald freckled cunt you missed my um you missed my jackie moon reference he goes me jackie moon wrestling a bear come down to the arena wrestling a bear remember he needed money i haven't seen that i haven't seen that whole movie oh semi-pro yeah suck my cock i'll murder your family what i say what i see you said s my c um all right man we got i guess we've been we're going long here right andrew we're going long

paul like i got all stirred up here i am thinking i'm getting control man hey you know something if you like shark tank god bless you all Tank, God bless you. All right? No, no, no, no. You're entitled to that. But I will tell you this. I don't think I needed to shout about it, Paul. I know this. For 100% fact, I know this.

I know this. If you did, because I know you, and I know you're a smart, intelligent person. If you did watch that- Don't fucking patronize me. No, no, I'm not. You're not telling me. I'm not telling me i'm not if you did watch that doc you would know that what happened in the anchors in 1977 to 79 that's all what what was going on i would know that guy's theory well you were acting like it was presented in a court

of law people looked at it it was examined was examined. And they came to the conclusion there was DNA proof without a fucking doubt. You watched a documentary. But I got to tell you, man, I don't want to give it away. There was DNA proof. There was DNA proof at the end. And that's how it closed. Can I ask you a question, Paul? That's how it closed out. When I asked you 20 minutes ago if there was DNA proof. Oh, did you? I don't know. I didn't know.

I didn't hear you. I'm sorry. I didn't hear you say that. I really didn't hear you. I'll tell you this, Paul. I'm still not watching it because that should have gone national. You were. I love when they fucking sit there and they go, you know, they just said, you know, there

was a UFO that was actually a flying saucer. they just said, you know, there was a UFO. That was actually a flying saucer. They just said it. They just said it. Yeah. And what I want to wonder is, like, where is everybody running around freaking out? Does the Pentagon feel stupid now? After all those years, like, oh, we can't tell the public this.

They're going to lose their minds yeah and then they go yeah that thing we have no idea what the fuck that was we have nuclear weapons and we were afraid and people like all right okay i got into an argument my brother with that i go my brother goes because people would freak out. One of my brothers goes, people freak out. I go, no, they won't. They're not going to freak out. If you just say that you saw something, like, what's going to happen? Are people going to be running in the streets? That's not how people handle things, Paul.

Everything is a term paper. People are not going to freak out about a fucking UFO until it lands and people get out and start doing shit you want to do a drive-by and your little fucking thing that can stop and then go on there and say oh yeah good have fun going back to your planet i don't give a fuck you want to look at me sitting there with a dumb look on my face smoking a cigar on my back porch i don't fucking care You land and you start doing shit. Yeah. And it turns out all those Tom Cruise movies, he can't actually do that shit.

And I'm on my own. That's when I get scared. If I see a Martian walk out a fucking UFO, that's when things change. That's when things... Here's my question, Paul. You got a gun. Do you shoot it? No, I would try to talk to it real quick i would try to see you gotta you gotta think what you're setting off you kill one of their boys they can't have that because then the other martians are like hey man i heard you went to

earth and it didn't go so well didn't kind of go down there in their little fucking cars and shit i would be like yo you guys speak first i would just be go you guys speak english and i've hands up but i know it's slang first yo what it do yo what's up kid yo you guys yo kid you gotta speak english what are you gonna say to it are you going to kill me i would i have to think i would just put my hands up so they knew that i wasn't and i would go i would say but how do you know that that means that to him how do you know in his suit that if you go like that guns don't come up his green sleeve and then

you fucking go well i mean what do you do if a martian starts walking towards you you got to be like you know you speak english no i don't want to hurt you like what would you do uh scream in terror and hope that can't run fast yeah i mean i don't know dude i think they would i got a wife and kids so i mean i gotta sacrifice myself i gotta run at it dude what if it liked you what if you reasoned with it what if it liked your energy well then it should fucking do something to convey that i mean if it's kind of coming up the fucking lawn, like...

Dude, I tell you what, if it's strolling up like the Terminator... The thing about it is, what if they come from a totally peaceful fucking planet? And then they come up and they get their green head fucking blown off. And then they come back

and we teach them violence. And they're coming back like what the fuck was or maybe it's the cockroach theory that people had in new york that if you kill a cockroach you leave it there so his friends see it and they know to pick another uh apartment do you go that road do you leave it fucking laying there dude we would have that thing smoking weed with us drinking a miller high life in fucking one hour i'd have a knicks hat on that fucking thing hippie sit down on my couch why would you do that to the martian why would you make him a knicks fan this thing is used to traveling at light speed. The Knicks do not move at light

speed. You guys have been in the shitter for 20 years. Yo, somebody Photoshop me sitting on a couch next to a Martian in a fucking Knicks hat, please. Oh, we got some artwork coming out, right, Andrew? We're going to have artwork. We're going to have, we also going to have some merchandise for anything better that we got some cool merchandise that we're going to be selling. And yeah, guys, so thank you guys so much. Please rate and review anything better. Go get us on iTunes, Spotify, everywhere that you get your podcast we appreciate all the comments all of the high ratings and stuff like that, it helps out

so check out the VersiEffect podcast Monday Morning Podcast Hey, how come David Berkowitz during his trial wasn't going, you know, I didn't do all of those Hey guys guys, I'd love to take credit for all of those bodies, okay but you know, let the record show.

No, but he did. You're not going to watch it. You've got to watch it because he talks in it. He talks in it. Paul, I've seen enough of those. And every time I watch them, I get convinced of what – I've never watched a documentary where I wasn't convinced of what they wanted me to be convinced of. And it's really not a documentary, Paul. It's an op-ed

piece. But this is, yeah, but there's, there's no real difference in this. Like, you know, a lot of what this is, you know, a lot of what this is, this kind of just answers why it happened, why it happened and how and where that's all. You're not learning anything different. Well, other than I made a huge mistake, bringing it back up again. And I want to apologize to you and all the listeners. All right. This has been another, as soon as we're done recording. No, this has been another great episode of anything better episode 16.

And I want listeners, if you've seen that documentary, we're going to play a little thing called Convince Bill. All right? If enough people write in, I will watch that fucking thing. Okay. Okay. Well, you know me. You know me.

Right? I know. Now, when somebody says, you know me, you know that they're immediately going to say something that is completely untrue about themselves. That's why they have to preempt it with, you know no no i will apologize and say i'm wrong guys yeah i i think i don't i think you're thinking of this as some crazy twist in that case and it's really not it's just kind of some things that people were not educated to that's all but yes guys right into

bill i mean there's people out there trying to say like that fucking kid who went into school and killed everybody didn't even happen, Paul. And now they'll make a documentary being like, let's see, here's your evidence. It didn't happen. This is more, this isn't a documentary. This is more, actually, you know, you know who actually does this? It was not a documentary. Now they got DNA proof. I mean, you're all over the fucking road.

It's a limited educational series narrated by uh education that's what i need paul i need education paul giamatti paul giamatti it's what paul giamatti you know paul you know him yeah he's not drinking merlot he's in there he's he talks in it he's in there well there you go i mean that guy's been he's the guy's been cracking murder cases forever oh you should have said that from the beginning that guy acts in movies the cops couldn't crack the case but the guy who's not drinking merlot could oh i get it now all right well hey sign me up Well, hey, sign me up, Paul. Sign me up.

I got to go to my son's Little League game. Guys, it's such a fun episode, as always. Like I said, check out Bill's tour dates. Check out my dates. I'm going to be in Tampa. You guys will get all the plugs after. Tampa, Salt Lake City, Austin, paulberzy.com. I'll be in Tampa next week at Sidesplitters.

You guys are great. Until next week, we are out of here. Talk to you soon.