Anything Better? - Beach House

Episode Date: August 22, 2021

Is there Anything Better than Bill and Paul talking about a sand bar?

what's up everybody and welcome back to the anything better podcast your favorite hour of the week with your host paul bursey my boy bill burr our buddy the greek freak andrew stemless behind the glass sitting over there looking like a model in his beautiful Beverly Hills studio over there. You guys are listening to episode number 29. And boy, we got an episode for you this week. We got an episode. First of all, we got to do the greatest number 20, greatest people ever, athletes. Athletes, Paul, whoever wore the number 29 and shout out to

my son lucas whose birthday is may 29th so 29 is the the number 29 made me a father for the first time so i i'm a little sentimental about you were 29 when you had your kid i was 29. Yeah, was I? 29. When you conceived. Yeah, he was conceived when I was 29 when he was in there. He was 29. And you had 29 little, little spermies. 29, yeah. Going right out the end of your schmeckle. All right, let's do greatest 29ers of all time. Chris Carpenter.

I thought that was a hockey player. That's a pitcher for St. Louis. Three All-Star games, two World Series championships, a Cy Young Award, Comeback Player of the Year, National League ERA. National League ERA. All right. All right.

DeMarco Murray. Three-time Pro Bowl, first-team All-Pro. Where's the Super Bowl? Not seen it yet. It's not his fault. The guy, he's got the stats here. He's one of the great 29s. Where the rest of the fucking 29s go?

Eric Dickerson. Eric Dickerson. Rod Carew. Catfish Hunter. Oh. Catfish Hunter, Paul. You know them, right? You know that guy.

29. Who else we got here? Why won't this? Oh, this is one of these fucking websites that tries to get all your information. John Smoltz, ahead of Eric Dickerson. I don't know about that. Adrian Beltre. Okay.

Ken Dryden, Paul. Who's Ken Dryden? You basketball-watching son of a bitch. Who is he? That sounds early 70s to me. He is in early 70s. One of the greatest hockey goaltenders of all time, That sounds early 70s to me. He is in early 70s. Yeah. One of the greatest hockey goaltenders of all time,

much as I hate to say it as a Bruins fan, for the Montreal Canadiens. Six-time Stanley Cup winner. 71, 73, 76, 77, 78, 79. Everybody was talking about the Super Steelers. Oh, they won four Super Bowls. Really? The Canadiens won six Stanley Cups.

We could actually beat the shit out of somebody. All right. Five-time All-Star, five-time first-team All-Star, five-time Vesna Trophy winner. That's the Cy Young of goalies, Paul. Conn Smythe Trophy, Calder Memorial Trophy. What else do you need, Paul? You guys got six rings.

Hey, you know what? I'll give you something you'll be impressed with since I'm not a hockey guy and you're the hockey guy on this show whenever we talk about it. I try to be, Paul. Shout out to Henrik Lundqvist who retired today or yesterday. How about that? Henrik Lundqvist, New York Ranger, his whole career. Is every girl crazy about a sharp dress man? I got to tell you something. Henrik Lundqvist, Henrik Lundqvist, crazy about a sharp dress man i gotta tell you something henrik lundquist henrik lundquist is a that is a sharp dressed man good looking kid you know when i used to go to games and heckle him i would ask fashion questions and there would only be a few

be like henrik i got a daddy daughter dance at the high school it says to wear a sport coat is wearing a full suit too much that's so fun people you know what the fuck and then finally like two or three people would understand it you know what we did to the back of the arena Paul this is what me and you did and we got to do the opposite we've done ugly athletes before Who are some of the most gorgeous? I got three right now. Okay. Just fucking lookers.

You ready? Lookers. Tommy T. Tom. Terrific. Tom Brady. Tom Brady. Yep.

Henrik Lundqvist. Good looking man. Good looking guy. And then the other one, man, I got to tell you, there was, um, there's one guy, dude, I don't want to mention it. He, he, I remember looking, I was like, I don't even know if I should, he went ended up he was like a became a he was a d-back for the vikings and became a serial rapist and then he was like an analyst i think his name was darren sharp i was i remember looking at that guy going like that guy could be uh and then you know and could have been a model he admitted it did they give him under some weird nickname no no no he

admitted the pretty rapist? He did one of those where he's like, yeah, got out of hand. I feel bad for my family. The gorgeous groper? Back in the day, they would have. Dude, back in the day, if you did something fucked up, they just said what it was. We had a serial killer in Boston, Massachusetts

that was strangling women and he was called the boston strangler there's no question yeah that's like a nickname for a basketball player the hillside strangler the boston strangler no no uh andrew tony before the three-point line his low-cut dr j's would come up and just think destroy us you think the killer or rapist is at home and they're listening to the news and they hear the nickname, they're like, oh, fuck, I wanted a better one. I think Boston Strangler they probably liked. I like that. Yeah.

I'll tell you what's fucked up is the NBA is fantastic. You know, the 1980s, they literally gave Andrew Toney the nickname the Boston Strangler named after a serial killer in Boston because he was killing the Celtics. And that flew. That was not a problem. Wow. Wasn't a problem. Now you can't even be called the Devil Rays because people think that sounds too sinister.

They got to be called the Rays, those first place sons of bitches. Paul, what is happening to my Red Sox? I'll tell you what's happening. They're falling off the road. I'll tell you right now, my New York Yankees are up 5-0 going for their ninth in a row and if Tampa loses, we're only back three in the playoffs if it starts today. You guys

own the Twins. Yeah, we do own the Twins. You go into Minneapolis, you have yourself a Juicy Lucy and you fucking crank a few over the wall and that's it. It's over. Yeah. You know what happened to us? We overachieved and then came the trade deadline and then they didn't do shit. That was like mom and dad saying, we don't believe in you.

Chris Sayles back though. He's been pitching like five and a half, five innings, I think. Five and a half innings. Five innings he's been pitching. Derek Jeter, another good looking guy. But as he gets- Borderline. Borderline.

He's one of those- He was like, you know, he looked good with a hat on. Yeah. You know what? He took the hat off. The head just kind of kept going out. Big brain. Big brain on that guy.

I mean, come on, man. Standing next to A-Rod. Yeah. A-Rod. Come on. A-Rod's a good one. A-Rod's a good looking guy. Guys can't.

We can't respect a guy that looks like that. A-Rod was almost as good looking as J-Lo. I think that's why they broke up. She had to put all that makeup on and then she looked at him in the Jack and Jill mirror and he's fucking looking fine. She's like, are you using my frosted tips, fucking kid? I love A-Rod, man. I love listening to him talk baseball and he fucking crushes it in the real estate market.

Kept all his fucking money. Smart guy. How do you not love that guy? No, here's the thing. A-Rod has that Pete Carroll gene. A-Rod and Pete Carroll. Don't you. No, he does.

Pete Carroll's sneaking behind somebody's fence in the suburb. Don't you put that on A-Rod. A-Rod's going to smile at you, shake your hand, and then do it, I think, a little bit. No, he isn't. I think so. He is not.

He's going to fucking walk down the street shirtless during the Puerto Rican pride parade. You can be like, God damn it, I wish I was in that shape with those stunning eyes. I smell a rat, Bill. I know.

I smell a rat. Pete Carroll's dipping into the dish at church. He is Flanders.. He is Flanders. That guy is Flanders. Dude, Pete Carroll would come to your house if you were new, shake your hand, welcome to the neighborhood, give you a cake, and then stare at your wife's ass as she walked away. Absolutely.

You know what? And you would totally be expecting it. He's not even good at it. Be like, walk slower, honey. Pete Carroll is exactly who we thought he was. And we let him off the hook. Let him off the hook.

Oh, that's fucking great. Yeah, that's great. A-Rod was a little between his ears at some point, but now that he's, you know, he's outside of baseball. Dude, him on the MLB network during the

fucking playoffs there's nobody better him and pete rose he listen oh a rod is a rod is great talking baseball because his passion and love for it has never wavered ever he has that plus the kid was a phenom at 18 years old he knows baseball but i'm telling you he would fuck your wife and he would fuck your wife and then go out and then double date with you and smile at you as he cheers the fucking martini i'm telling you i'm telling you this this you're just going so hard because you lost in 04 and you blamed him no no no you guys all blamed him he helped us in 09 win he He had an MVP year, whatever. Come on, Bill. You can't frost your tips. No, I don't get.

It's just coming from frosted tips, Paul. You're Italian. Half your friends did that. No, what I'm saying is I think there's a reason. Look at you with all your jewelry hanging off of you and stuff. I don't judge you with your fucking gold watch and shit. You look like you're about ready to sell me a lemon. What do you think about that?

Listen, I get that. But, you know, I would tell you the car is good. I wouldn't do that to you. I'm the guy that you would think. Is there anything better than not arguing an insult? You just agree with it. It goes away, man. There's nothing better than that.

You ugly orange son of a bitch. I know. God damn, I'm unsightly. It's over. Now the you ugly orange son of a bitch i know god damn i'm unsightly now the guy wants to buy you a beer no i would i would tell you it's a lemon i go listen you don't want this one trust me you don't want this one i want it depends on when i caught you if i caught early 20s paul hanging onto his hairline early 20s paul hanging onto his hairline fucking dealing with this fucking childhood, childhood divorce. I think you'd sell me that car somewhere around 27, 28. You became a person

and your thirties, you became a saint. I was there, Paul. I'm writing a novel right now. You actually were there. I think I met you around like, I met you, I think a week after I was like 26 or something. Yeah. I became, when I met you, your headshot still had you in a leather jacket. So we saw a little, a little left of, uh, the bad boy, Paul Verzi. Hey, I got that jacket. Hey, I may have to dust it off. Um, no, I think there's a reason why New Yorkers never took to A-Rod. I think if you look at his press conferences after the game, I think when he – here's the thing, okay? It's because you were spoiled brats. You wanted to win it every year, and you brought him in.

You thought that's what was going to happen. When it didn't happen, you guys all started whining. You're Laker fans on the East Coast. Fuck the both of you. When A-Rod had two strikes in a big moment, I knew it was done. I knew it. Knew it.

Knew it. Didn't think it. He had two strikes. He was in it. He wanted it so much. He wanted to be the guy. It's because you assholes wouldn't let him have a good time. Dude, Randy Johnson was the coolest fucking guy ever.

He played like fucking one week with the Yankees. He's trying to punch a fucking cameraman on Fifth Avenue. You know what it is? You know what you New Yorker sports fans? You're like a nagging wife. You just fucking won't leave him alone. You see what he did last night? Well, he had a good game the day before.

I don't care what happened last night. Listen, I got you. You're shoving a bacon, egg, and cheese down your fucking throat, acting like you achieved something. shoving a bacon egg and cheese down your fucking throat acting like you achieved something i mean i don't know if they need to live up to your standards of sitting there watching other people achieve first of all what is it bacon egg and cheese orange cunt like me after another come down to your city eat your pizza fuck your women and crushing your nightclubs and you stand back there and you do nothing i'm fucking with you yeah he used to he used to get he used to get in his head and you know when you join a team that's one fucking 26

championships they expect to win another one he he got in his head and i think he did it because he did want to do so good so i don't knock that and you know me i'm not a new i mean i i was disgusted with these fans when they booed Mariano. Derek Jeter was in an 0 for 33 slide. They booed him. They never gave Patrick Ewing the saint. Saint Patrick. They never gave that kid what he fucking deserved. Because they're fucking half the city.

Half of New Yorkers. More. More. Do that thing. More than half. I think New York fans. More than half. I don't know.

More than half. I don't know about that. There's a lot of think New York fans. More than half. I don't know. More than half. I don't know about that. There's a lot of smart New York fans. Dude, you're going to tell me half are smart? Dude, Lenny Marcus. You're going to tell me half the fucking city is as smart as Lenny Marcus as a sports fan? All right. Maybe 70-30.

You're right. 70-30 would be unbelievable. Dude, I'll tell you. Just haven having been back in Boston for a fucking week. All right, dude? Like, if we were 70-30. I mean, we have some of the best sports fans out there, but there's a bunch. Always going to be a bunch of bandwagon.

Just showing up, going down to MVP Sports, and getting the jersey of whoever's fucking winning, you know? No, bandwagon. I'm not even talking about, I'm talking about the guy sitting behind me on Monday night football, watching Eli going, I'm still not sold on this Eli guy. And it's like, what do you want him to do? Tell me what you want him to do. Because if we do this podcast until 2030, you're still going to be bringing up the lack

of respect eli and patrick ewing got in new york city it's something that will torch i will say i will talk about that those are my listen i know you have your sports things i know we sound like crazy old men i know that because you're going to be saying the things you've been saying forever mine would be uh drew bledsoe the two things that i'll never let so went to a fucking super bowl right before the game started bill parcells evidently told the team he wasn't coming back and he just put his house on the market oof that's a tough one dude i mean that's what do you do with that no it's a tough one exactly i mean do you ever see his 30 for 30 he goes what do you think

it happens if you don't get hurt he goes i win all those super bowls yeah i mean that's what you want to hear from so that doesn't sound like a guy who's afraid of the fucking moment to me so you know it is what it is that guy fucking you know when people talk about the patriots being where they're at he is a huge part of that story. Robert Kraft buying the team, threatening to leave so he gets a new fucking stadium. Actually, I think he ended up paying for it. Right?

I'll tell you right now, we're getting a new stadium and Mexico's paying for it. That's Donald Trump. And then Bledsoe, Curtis Martin, all of those guys, Terry Glenn, all of those guys that we had that came along during that time. And I believe, you know, I believe there is just as big a part once we went to the flying Elvis emblem.

Well, you know what these dumb fucks here didn't understand is Eli could have had another run. I remember you said that one time you You go, Eli could get three. And I thought about that. And I was like, no, he's actually right. And then we fucking for five years neglected his offensive line. You got rid of Tom Coughlin is what you did. And the guy was also running for his fucking life. You got rid of Tom Coughlin.

Stupid move. Tom Coughlin made the Jaguars a winner. He made BC Eagles a winner. The guy, hears a winner He made BC Eagles a winner He's a winner You got rid of a winner To shut up fat sports writers Yeah And dummies that call in Sports Talk Radio

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for God's sakes. They don't need to, Paul. Paul, they don't need to. They don't need to. Oh, boy. Yeah, no. I got to tell you something, man. You got to have a lot of trust. There's a lot of trust, man.

You know, you get some BS life insurance. All right, whatever. What's she going to do? Get herself some shoes, but you start getting her some walking around money, Paul. Bill, you know me, you know, I mean, I love, I love a murder show. I mean, I'll watch forensic files all night. I watch murder show. And I got to tell you, 85 or more percent of that is based on life insurance policy. Guys are whacking there because what happens is they're in another relationship. Instead of getting divorced, instead of just doing it, they're living away. They don't want to get another bed.

They don't want to leave. Sleep still exists whether you're married to her or not. Just get another fucking mattress. It's it's yeah, they don't want to leave. then they uh the only way to do it is a life you know they do like oh there's a life insurance policy we'll get money and they think they're not going to get caught they always get caught but exactly paul we got people out there they're being their own hitmen they're being their own doctors and they're being their own scientists yeah it's it's you're gonna get caught you're gonna flunk the class i love when the insurance policy gets signed and the person's murdered like literally they're like 14 days

later it's like oh they're so dumb right when it gets done it's like that's the first thing the detective looks at you fucking morons how do you work your way up to knowing how to get away with the murder paul you got to start by killing your neighbor's pets right i don't know what happened yeah yeah you haven't seen the last time i saw the dog it was shitting on my property which i thought we talked about but i haven't seen it since that reminded me oh wait a minute wait we gotta we gotta talk about killing your neighbor's pets like how fucking long before you can go outside with the right look on your face and be prepared to run into your neighborhood your neighbor when you killed that cat that's that sebastian bit where his dad would like poison bologna and throw it over the yard he would he

would put bologna in like clorox his father like old italians are hilarious they would they would put meats in like clorox or bleach and just throw them around and then sebastian said it was just a fucking lot of dead animals now with these neighbors pets are just the rodents around the fucking i don't i think i think there was like i don't know if it was a raccoon or something was getting in his food or his garden dude i'll tell you what is not respected at all are varmints varmints weasels badgers all of those fucking things dude yeah i'm gonna tell you right now nobody wants anything any part of those things all of these big scale predators

they fuck with them for a second then they turn and run unless they got two of them you know i've seen a couple of dogs rip apart a raccoon i've seen that happen this is this is the part of the internet where i live paul let's get out of the sports here so we can actually get some fucking women listening to this podcast at some point in this century uh i just wrapped up a vacation there paul so did i right on the water paul yeah i went versi dude and i actually got into the ocean dude i gotta tell you something there was a sandbar that went out about an eighth of a mile and i was like you know when high tide comes in i'm gonna walk and i watch this old guy walk all the way out on it and then get one of those old man dives,

you know, where it's almost a belly flop, but he didn't get enough air. They just kind of jump on. They just kind of go. Yeah. Did one of those. And he was swimming around and shit.

I'm like, look at this fucking guy. This guy's like a retired fucking mailman. And he's out there swimming around, you know, like fucking one of those age stakes and nothing's biting him. Right. So he goes in, swimming around, you know, like fucking one of those aged steaks and nothing's biting him. Right. So he goes in. I go, fuck this. I'm walking out on this little sandbar, dude. I got to tell you, man, I went about 30 yards out and I started turning around.

I had like a fucking panic attack. I felt like I was chasing movie. I don't know how you guys do it. So I sort of go along the shore. But I would I would do a kayak as long as it has like a rudder and i got i got some you know a decent thing i can fucking smack the shark in the head with but uh anything better paul no anything better wait wait then uh a nice rainstorm when you have a view of the ocean watching that thing come in oh very few things less, very few things more peaceful than that. When you're sitting there and you're just watching the rain hit the ocean. I went into the ocean, man. We had big waves yesterday. It was our last day and I'm just

running in my son's boogie board. And we just had, we had the best time, man. We had the best time. I'm an ocean guy. The older I get to, I'm an ocean. Demlis, I know Andrew's a big ocean guy. I remember seeing you in San Diego just sitting on the beach staring at it. And I was like, oh, this guy gives a fuck. Like, this guy, like, gets life. We drove down there for shows. And we were all standing in San Diego on the boardwalk.

And I remember I started taking, like, I don't know, I kicked off my shoes. I started walking to San Paulo. I goes, you're going to go to the beach now? I go, yeah go yeah we're at the beach and i just walked out and i just sat down and i remember you like and then later on you're like dude you just took your shoes off and just went and sat in the sand and you enjoyed it yeah i don't need an umbrella and a cooler you just go sit down paul i was i was ready to move back oh i know I heard I was there you know once I got you know the shows out of the way and I just had four or five days

to just sit there I just sat there like going like alright you know I can still put out specials if I lived here I can still do my podcast if I lived here what am I doing why don't I just come back here and live on the water Paul I'll tell you right now, man, steak and cheese in Massachusetts.

Dude, I think, I think, I think I'm going to retire on a, in a, in a beach town. Now I figured it out. I'm just going to be by the water in my old age. That's just what I have to do. Yeah. You have to do it. And you gotta retire. You know what I would do? Like you do like a residency in like AC or like vegas once every couple months you go out there you do your greatest hits you know make a little bit of money to fucking you know keep the feds away from you the tax man and then just go back and just sit there and do nothing i swear to god my wife doesn't get it she goes you're gonna fucking die on stage is what you told me it's like you don't get it man like you have no idea how much i just want

to sit on a porch maybe i just need a vacation but just sitting on a porch yeah staring at the water oh dude one thing though is i i gotta i gotta i gotta watch out with the cigars dude i mean i think i smoke like 20 cigars i haven't had mean, I think I smoked like fucking 20 cigars. I haven't had one in two weeks and it's been amazing. Just, you know, clearing out the throat, but I'm ready. I'm itching. I'm fucking itching. No, I'm going for a while. I went like three months without having one.

And then now I just went three months where it just, you know, it just gradually ends up, you know, I just have one once a week, once every two weeks, once every other day, two a day a day. I'm going to start calling you, you're all Billy Feast of Famine. You are, the thing with you is,

you fucking either put the throttle down and go or you just fucking, the car stays parked. You have no fucking coasting mode to you. I don't know how to do it. I got two gears, low and high. Me, I'll sit in a sedan and I'll just cruise. Just start waving. What's up, man?

I will tell you this, Paul. Three days on a fucking beach. Oh, dude. I was just driving around. Just driving around a lot of the North shore. Dude, the places that I hit, man,

the places that I fucking hit back in the day, I ate like a fucking, I ate like a 17 year old kink. I ate like I was still in high school, dude, steak and cheese, Chinese food, fucking roast beef sandwiches,

clam shacks. You fucking name it. I went to my favorite pizza place. I went to ice cream place, the place where I was staying, which was the shit. So I'm not going to say where I was staying because I swear to God, dude, I was ready to buy the fucking house and sell my one out here. Dude, I want to buy a beach home now, dude. I want to just buy a beach home. Dude, I was watching these. We had that giant, giant waves yesterday. So I'm just sitting on this. We got the the chair i'm sitting there i got a fucking a spiked i'm drinking some spiked iced tea shit was delicious it was a

the end of it had a whiskey finish so it was like fucking dude and i'm just drinking this iced tea that had some whiskey in it dude and i'm watching these giant waves because the weather was getting bad and i'm watching surfers and i'm just going oh he's got it he's got it he's got it he's got it he's got and then this one guy ran out. I go, dude, I saw you catch that one. He goes, yeah, man, it's fun. I'm just watching it do it. And I'm like, I gotta, I gotta, I gotta, this has got to be it for me. And, uh, I'm telling you, Booze and an Arnold Palmer. They got to be cheap shit. There was a Johnny red. What would you put in there? You wouldn't

want to, you know, if it actually tastes good, you don't want to have all that crap. I don't know what the company was, but it was a spiked tea that had a whiskey finish and there was a little whiskey or bourbon in there dude and it fucking it was like seven or eight percent out halfway through the first one i just smiled at everybody i'll just fucking smile at everybody in a fisherman hat i was just fucking hey how you doing i started i started like trying to talk fucking beach lingo and shit. I was like, dude, are you catching tubes out there? I was just. Catching tubes.

I was ready to fucking go buy a surfboard, dude. I'm fuck. I was like, I'm going to get a fucking surfboard, see if I could get up. But I'll end up breaking my fucking neck. But no, I think you could. You're an athlete. You could get up. I think that the beach life, like when I see those guys, I was talking to the lifeguard there.

And I go, this is great. He goes, yeah, dude, he's great. He goes, listen was talking to the lifeguard there and I go, this is great. He goes, yeah, dude, he's great. He goes, listen, he goes, sometimes he goes, I go, dude, you got a great gig. You're sitting here, you're tan. He goes, no, dude, he goes, it's fantastic. He had dumbbells and he's just looking at everybody. He's just doing this shit. Right. And then he goes, he goes, no, he goes a bad day, goes south real quick, though. You know, some kids sitting there like can't catch air, can't get their air or like if a wave knocks somebody out and shit but he was just like you could tell he just like lives that life bad weather comes they have like they tag team their friend who then sits on the thing and then he grabs a surfboard and he goes out because when the bad weather come that's when the waves get six seven

feet oh and uh yeah and like they're just it was just like so cool. And then just restaurants are packed with families. You could eat outside. You're outside. You could bring food on your deck. And all the houses have rooftops or decks that kind of see the ocean. So you and your family are just sitting outside. Like you said, if you've got a patio where it rains and you don't get wet and you see the water, that's like, that's a whole other thing.

Smoking a stick. Oh, shit, dude. We got to do it next year i think there needs to be a burr versi family vacation oh dude 100 100 dude at a fucking unbelievable ocean town ocean house on the fucking water oh god yeah i just got to make sure the wives because i we're going to be having so much fucking fun. They're going to be like the wives in Goodfellas as you're like dumping water on me. We're like, hey. It's like, guys, are we going to go someplace? Are we just going to sit around the fucking house?

Is Paul drunk on the beach again? Huh? I said, is Paul drunk on the beach again? I'll do it. I'll just sit on it. And here's the thing. I could sit on the beach in the fisherman hat or like in the shade. Like when, when I don't want to get any more sun, just, and just sit there and just drink, let the breeze show up with that. Like a sandwich board. I walk on with my own house and all of that shit,

fucking zinc oxide on my nose. I just want to hear the ocean and see it a little bit. That's it. zinc oxide on my nose. I just want to hear the ocean and see it a little bit. That's it. Anything better, anything better than listening to the ocean, just hearing it when you're right there, dude. Oh, Paul, I would come home after at night, right? Come home at night and I would fucking, I would sit, there was a porch below and the one up top off the main bedroom. And I would just sit out there and high tide would come in right as I was coming home for a few nights. And I would just sit up there just listening to it. My wife would come out. What are you doing? I'm just listening to the waves and she'd be hanging out there. Next thing you know, we're having like a great conversation. It's the

best time, man. Dude, it's the best smelling the salt water when you're sitting there with a drink and you're just talking. Oh, and it's so funny. Why do we have to work? What? I know. Why do people have to work? All we need is food. Why can't we just be like that?

Because some cunt wants a bigger fucking house? I don't know. We're literally, there's people every day just driving to work past the fucking ocean and don't have the time or money to ever sit there and fucking enjoy it because they're sitting there working for somebody else. I don't get like, like I remember reading the thing, you know, you died way sooner, obviously. Back in the day, but in caveman days, they said there was a lot of leisure time after you made a big kill. Yeah. Just fucking laying around. around dude i'm telling you

if i make a certain amount of money you're never gonna you'll see me again you you and my friends that's it dude that's it i'm gonna put out a certain amount of hours of comedy that i have to talk after taxes what's your number you walk after taxes at walking yeah what's the bye-bye Pauly number we did this before I would say between like I'm talking clearing it clear once I get to another I was all yours Paul no one can touch it all right so uh so what I'm I would say another I don't know Paul Pauly needs walking around money. Yeah, I would. Yeah.

He likes to flash free and clear 15 to 20 million after my career. And I'm done. I'm walking. Like if I was done, I'm not going to see you in 10 years. You're going to get that. If I'm dude, then you know what? Hey, come to the beach house. Okay, dude, I'm going to be playing. I'm going to be playing golf and sitting at the beach,

but now the beach is starting to take over golf. I didn't even want to go golfing. I'm like, fuck that. I'm going to look at the ocean. I want to look at the ocean. Golf is such a crapshoot. It is. I look at golf courses.

There's 50% cool guys, 50% assholes. Am I right? Yeah. And then most of you are going to have a bad day. So someone who's already an asshole is not shooting well. Then you got to fucking deal with that. And then someone who was a cool guy is pissed by the fourth fucking hole. Yeah. It's just, I don't know. I know I'm missing something with the same way I was missing something with soccer, which I actually like, but like, but guys like me and you who don't care about our score

and we would just be happy smoking sticks out there, laughing in a golf cart and just having a good time. That's how I play golf. I don't understand the seriousness. You were good. You didn't take it seriously, but I watched you. I still remember that shot you had on that eighth hole where you were like 15 yards out and you popped it up perfectly on the green.

I was like, oh, if this guy gave a fuck, he could you know you're just one of those you just don't care you know no i don't i i don't respect the sport because they oh i look i respect it at a professional level right the the amount of fucking cheating that is involved in it and then the amount of fucking cheating that is involved in it. And then the amount of like how much they adjust the equipment. Like they literally, you like go down there where Chrysler was telling me you go down there. And if you have a slice, you don't have to fix your slice. They fucking give you a club that if you're swinging,

like a slice is going to make it a little bit straighter. Yeah. Yeah. They always put more little fucking dimples in the golf ball. Whatever they can do. Whatever they can do, Paul. You said it was like a jet ski at the end of a stick,

which is so fucking funny. It's perfect. It's actually perfect. I don't even remember. How much bigger can the club head get? That's my thing about it. All the dumb fashion and all of that shit so it's just a really like it's a it's a really silly activity that a lot of really non-athletic people can get away with i gotta tell you something hilarious you're gonna love this you guys are gonna fucking love this so a family that we know was down the shore but where we were right And we went mini golfing with them.

And I'm real cool with the dad. The son is Lucas's best friend and real competitive. And this guy is like ridiculous at golf. He's a police officer, but he's a scratch golfer. There's nothing better than a scratch golfer, though. I love a scratch golfer. Dude, this guy, I just start laughing when he drives the ball. He fucking drills at 300 pin straight every time.

I go, dude, you could have went pro, dude. He's shot a 68 with me. And he was putting for Eagle three times. He goes, no, no, I'm not good enough putter, right? So anyway, dude, we're playing. So he's like, yo, we're playing mini golf. And him and his son have that like, his son wants to beat him. They have that little shit talking.

So me, Lucas, Billy, Billy's his name, and James, his son wants to beat him. They have that little shit talking. So me, Lucas, Billy, Billy's his name. And James, his son, we start playing and Billy gets up there. This guy's in great shape. Like it like early fifties, great shape. Just the nicest fucking guy you ever meet in your life. The nicest guy. Like he's one of those. Hey, how you doing?

Yeah. Like you agree. Just so if you had an issue with this guy, it's you. Right. This guy makes me look like a dick right easy going as far as you know what i mean so uh i realized that that sounded arrogant i meant as far as easy going oh you're easy going so we go up there and you know when you're mini golfing there are other families like near you because like you're on one hole here there's people over there so he hits it and it starts going towards the cup and he gets a hole in one and he goes and this is this is billy this is the dad he like pointed to

the cup he goes all right all in one let's go and he turns and there's like this five-year-old little boy just looking at him he goes let's go and he goes to give five and the kid was so freaked out the kid was so freaked out and scared i swear to god it was one of the funny because he just like it was like it was like this it was like oh yeah let's go there it is and the kid just like totally froze and like slowly dude i was crying laughing and then even his son he goes dad you freaked that kid out that kid was freaked out he goes ah he was fine dude you should have saw it. Imagine you're a four or five-year-old kid and you're just sitting there

and spontaneously some 55-year-old guy, tan, just, yeah, let's go. That would have freaked me out. Oh, that's another thing, Paul. I don't like about golf is everybody blames the equipment. I just got, you know, my last club sucked. They just got fitted with some new clubs. Hey, Paul, that football sucks. I got fitted with the new football.

It's got some extra laces next to grip on the end. So my index and my middle finger can grip it better. That's my problem with it. I know it's a great sport. Plus, I know people love it. So I shit on it a lot. I don't know shit about it. I'll just shut up.

I'll just shut up. Why don't I shut up? Shut up. Listen, I've had a ton of fun golfing but i gotta tell you the older i get looking at the waves listening to the waves being at a beach town getting a little color going to sleep early how anything better haven't you heard enough chatter in your life paul yeah because there's another thing too when you golf dude it's like a fucking blind date it's you and your buddy hey we'll go we'll make with these other guys like well i hope they're not assholes i know because now i gotta deal with this for the

next fucking three hours hey i'm steve i'm pete hey steve hey pete hey steve what are you into well uh you know i uh you know all the copper fittings you see on the light post day? That's what I do. It's a family-run business. Oh, yeah, it's great. Yeah. Nice shot, Steve. Nice shot, Steve. Anything better than being in bed at 10 o'clock? Did Steve write down five?

Did he write down five in that last hole? He had a six, right? He had a fucking six. No, I'd be like, you got to do that. This guy fucking kicked it out of the woods, dude. That's a fucking, he better have counted that. Of course he did. He's been doing that better have counted that. Of course he did. He's been doing that since he fucking started.

Of course he fucking didn't. Yeah. That's one thing I can't handle. I'm telling you, I'm telling you right now, he does it again, I'm going to say something. I don't care we're not playing for money. I'm going to fucking say something. That's not fucking, that's not right.

Oh, you know I can't handle that. That bullshit. That bullshit. I can't, I can't handle that. I play with a guy and I knew he wanted to, I play with a guy, I can he wanted to i play with a guy i can't mention names here but uh you don't know him either but i play with this guy oh he knows my family okay and um it's not the guy up the street who tells you to go fuck yourself when

you say how's your day oh no no no and we're playing and he's got this arrogance, you know, kids making money. He's got this arrogance, you know, and I knew I was playing better than he was. And he's one of these guys that it flies left and he goes, shit, man. So he puts another one down. I don't know what the fuck, you know, then it flies right. He's doing that shit. Right. So I knew I was hitting a breakfast ball all day. Yeah.

It's like, and I got to give the kid credit. Kid was hitting fucking bombs like if these things were straight but they weren't he's wild you know what i mean and then at the end he goes shit i actually and i forgot the score he said because i actually like it was some number and i'm like i'm like no what you didn't like i as i was sitting there i'm going no you didn't i'm going i beat you by three but did strokes. But did you say it? No, I didn't say it because you- Nobody fucking says it. It drives me fucking crazy. In this situation, I can't say it. Everybody's shaving off like fucking five strokes

every time they fucking play. Everybody like, dude, fuck golf. Fuck that shit. Fuck off. Who the fuck wants to do that? I'm not wired to sit around and watch a guy shoot a fucking 97 and tell me he shot a fucking 92 i just can't fucking do it and so any business connection i'm gonna make out of there really you can finance

this film that's great but you shot a fucking 97 oh my god dude you you losing a movie deal how funny would that be you're like probably do me a favor to go golf with the guy if you see how the guy fucking plays golf you know jesus you you you know, I'm going to have to audit this guy. I'll tell you, it's going to be rough waiting for that check coming in, Paul. You know what? I 100% agree with you. Shit like that says a lot about a person in regular life. In regular life.

I think a lot of people got to the country club shaving a little here, a little there. There you go, Paul. I think there's a culture. You know what? There's some truth to that. and then you get knock around guys out there you know swinging the fucking swinging the wrenches trying to have a good time that's right and then all the fucking you know loveless marriages you got their broads looking at you you don't need that headache that's why you got to play a public course paul yeah well you can't come down there with your chain hanging out with

a nice smile on your face and they're all married to these wall street guys their fucking ass is all tight you come fucking walking in like you're on the joint i chuck i tuck the chain in under the collar when i go to the nice spots oh little class yeah i take it but then when i start playing good i fucking throw one of them out just so people what is what are the rules paul do you like is it like a vibe you like chains coming out or yeah yeah no it is it's a feel of the night you know here's the one thing if i feel who you are yo if i'm buzzed if i'm buzzed they're out if i'm buzzed they're out oh yeah i mean it has to yeah they're buzzed they're out you know certain dinner occasions i you know i'll talk oh it's a there

i forgot i forgot you got two now i love it yeah i got two i love mr v yeah i love them they come i'm never going anywhere you know i'm never getting three it's these two i got the rope and then i got the link one that's it i'm done you don't think three three's a magic number three then i like a little shark tooth paul nah you get three how about a medallion no pv and diamonds well maybe that sounds nice you know what oh jacob the jeweler paulie. Take all your money. If he showed me- 15, 20 million. Get the fuck out of here. You need to make like 40 before you could walk.

If he showed me a PV in diamonds, I'd be like, all right, let me talk to my wife. I'll call you tomorrow. I mean, Stace, it's going to appreciate. It's going to appreciate value. People remember my name. It's going to pay for itself. You know what your problem is? You don't know how to enjoy life.

Yeah, you don't. You're a fucking family. You don't know how to enjoy life yeah you don't you don't know family you don't know how to enjoy life i'm buying a beach home i'm not even joking i'm gonna buy a beach home within the next two years i'm gonna buy a home on the beach and i'm gonna stay there a lot why not why not dude why not i love what you told me what you would do with the beach house like i didn't know that you were gonna go there buying a beach house next two three years and buying a beach house and buying a beach house and i'm gonna go there now you know those guys that spend and they get a house they never go they go out you know you guys stay as long as you want we never go i'm not doing that like i'm gonna i'm gonna buy a beach house i'm gonna enjoy my beach house you know i'm gonna if

i bought a beach house i would live at the beach and then i would sell this house because i'll tell you right i mean yeah i became a different person out there i saw it i talked to you in the three conversations i had with you i think there was a face time in there i just saw a whole other billy you were skipping around i haven't seen you skipping around like that since we were throwing a football in washington dc in 2008 uh where was that me and you took an nfl football the official one when we met willis at the thing and we went to a field and we started whipping the fucking thing around before one of our shows i think it was before we fucking ate like idiots at that tasting.

We, yeah, we ate like, cause we didn't know what we were doing. That chef hooked us up. Andrew, this guy, this chef liked me and Paul's comedy. Right? So he says, come, I got a restaurant in town. Come by. And Virzi said, they going. No, he liked Bill's being modest.

He was a fan of Bill. I was opening for Bill. They said, go down and then go ahead. So I bring Virzi and Virzi the whole way is talking shit. He's like, like bill we are gonna dine like gods i remember that so we fucking show up for this thing and i didn't realize that when you go there and a chef cooks for you he gives you a taste of the menu they bring out a plate of everything you don't have to finish it though i mean i just i was raised you finish what

they bring you so dude it was fucking it was fucking just, it was everything. So it would be like some spicy shrimp type of thing, and then you'd get waffles. And then there'd be like a salad. I mean, it was just, my stomach was like, what's going on here? Okay? We're just sitting there going like, oh, you bought more? We just kept trying to finish the fucking plates.

We're eating everything like we were at Nathan's or something. So then we have to do a show that night. think we told this story before in the park i can't remember so we fucking end up going down to the dc improv and we are both in the green room like sweating yeah we had like profusely and and he's literally going like we didn't have these looks on our faces like you know like we just got pulled out of something and survived and we're like in shock and versi's going like dude i i don't i don't i just don't feel right i just i just i kind of think i can get through my set i couldn't believe you said thanks a lot good night yeah no he did an hour and i couldn't believe he did an hour because i had to do 15, 20 minutes. And I felt like I actually felt nauseous, like I could throw up, but also slow. It was just it was.

Dude, I was so fucked up in the end. I was selling my DVDs and the chef was standing in the line. He said, hello. I didn't even recognize him. I was like, hey, what's going on? How are you? And then he was probably like, what the fun? I felt so bad.

The next day I went down to his restaurant to apologize, to tell him I was so full of food. But of course, the place was closed. So there went that hookup. All right. We're starting. We're. I got a kid's birthday party. I got to go, man.

This fucking hour just flew by. Look at this, Paul. That's done? Yeah. I mean, well, we weren't a little bit short today, Paul. Well, no, no, no, no. You know what it is? It's because we're that damn fucking good. That's how good the show is. Speaking of the show, everybody, make sure that you like and subscribe. Get the show anywhere you get your podcasts like iTunes and Spotify. Subscribe to the Anything Better podcast. Subscribe to the VersiEffect.

Subscribe to the Monday Morning Podcast. Check out all the things we're doing check out the dates salt lake city wise guys september 3rd and 4th august 27th governors all those dates are on paulversi.com this has been episode 29 which hey paul you going to that penn state game with me i i think i am yeah i got you and bartnick on that gig typical bill i think somebody from fucking penn state might have reached out maybe mike i don't know i don't know maybe something happens what i don't know whoa who knows no you don't mean you don't mean what i think you paul the starting fullback oh no maybe i don't know maybe something cool is going to happen i don't know what but i am very excited dude if saquon i don't want to spend your money paul i don't spend your money

but there's already a rapper called two chains okay two chains has been done i'm just telling you it's been done dude if saquon barkley shows up to that and i meet that guy i'll fucking shit myself all right well let's i hope that doesn't happen i hope you just have a stupid smile on your face dude i'll here's the thing with me. I love that kid so much. And he's only been in the league three years. I'm going to go up to him and say what fucking what's his what was Barry Sanders said to him. Barry Sanders is like, dude, I'm going to I would actually this is how crazy it is. I would shake Saquon Barkley's hand, hug him and be like, dude, you're the greatest ever. And you know it. And he would go, I haven't

even been in a league. And I would go, trust me, I know. How ridiculous is that? I would tell him what I know he's going to do that he didn't do yet. That's how good I can be. All right, let's close on the best sports quote I've heard in a long time. You know, Bob Euchre? Yes. He's the Miller Lite All-Stars. He missed a tag. Great seats. Hey, buddy. His whole joke was how he had a mediocre baseball career unbelievable announcer they asked him his favorite memory as being a professional baseball player he said we were playing a game in philly and i saw a stand i saw a fan fall out of the upper deck he said that oh that's the best i forgot to tell bartnick that oh that's funny he said i saw a fan fall out of the stands that's how i fucked it up i was thinking up a deck when i said it my favorite memory is a baseball player we play it in philly and i saw a fan fall out of

the stands that's oh my god that's incredible well we should definitely end it you know i love about philly fans where they would laugh their ass off and think it would be... Like, yeah, we deserve that. Philly fans are tough, but they love the fucking realness. They love the truth, and I got to give them credit for that. We could end on that. They're self-sabotage, and they want to see their team have a little bit of fucked-upness about them.

That's what they kind of like. They don't want some Dudley do right out there. They want somebody that gets the job done, but it's a little fucked up and looks like he might get arrested. That's why they, they, that relief pitcher till he gave up the home run. He's throwing the ball.

He's falling off the fucking mound. He had the, had the crazy mullet. Yeah. John Kroc was two years away from getting, you know, a drunken in public protective custody. all right guys well what can i say this is another episode of anything better we'll be back next week with episode 30 so start looking up those numbers and uh

until next time uh like i said check out all our websites for our shows. We're out of here.