Anything Better? - Bearded Babies

Episode Date: November 20, 2021

Is there Anything Better than a good cry-laugh? As Mentioned: Girl Walks Like Dog Video: https://youtu.be/71hDy4Hhuso   Paint Your Life: 20% off and free shipping. Text the word BETTER to 64-000 www.GetRoman.com/Better for $15 off first month of E.D. treatment.

What's up everybody and welcome back to your favorite podcast in the world the anything better podcast with Paul Verzi, Bill Burr, our producer Andrew Themlis out there in beautiful Beverly Hills from his compound. And we are doing episode number 42. And who comes to mind, Bill? For me, it's Mariano Rivera. Who do you got? Ronnie Lott. Oh, it's a good one. Jackie Robinson.

Jackie Robinson, you know, obviously the king of number 42s. And we've said this for a long time, Paul. I think he was out at home plate yogi bearer swears by it to the day he died rest his soul club was right there his foot wasn't on the plate well you can't tell with the footage but i mean my tie goes to the runner right i have no idea but how about a hand for that progressive umpire calling him safe? I mean, good Lord. You know, he had to leave New York. That's hilarious. Yeah.

Yeah, dude. I could tell by the way Yogi argued. He knew. And the guy was out of position. Yogi jumped, dude. Yogi lost his shit. He did the, who's the guy in the UFC there? Bruce Buffer.

He did the Buffer 180. He just turned around. He jumped in the air, turned around like, what? Yeah. Anytime a guy does this, when they go, like the turn. Yeah. Who else? I think those are the best three.

We should leave it at Ronnie Lott, Jackie Robinson, and Mariano Rivera. No disrespect to other 42s, but I mean, we're on like hollow ground here. This is hollow ground? I was going to say, as I said that, I realized it was wrong. Is it hallowed? Hallowed, hallowed. It's not hollow. Hollow means it's not the. Andrew, know is it hallowed hallowed hallowed it's not hollow hollow means there's nothing andrew what is it hey show some respect we're on hollow ground oh paul uh it's early you make it up in personality it's all right we're gonna get

through this i got real dude i got really upset last night, Bill. I'm not even joking, dude. This is actually a really serious thing. I wanted to talk about, I got really upset last night. So I was watching a documentary called the phantom. Okay. Menace. It was about, it was about a guy in 1983 in Corpus Christi, Texas. He was outside of a deli. A woman got stabbed to death and he's on foot running and they find him under a car.

And the whole fucking thing, long story short, this guy gets the death penalty and he's just going, I didn't do it. And then he didn't want to rat out a friend. So he goes, I didn't do it. And then he didn't want to rat out a friend. So he goes, I didn't do it. And then they go, well, you're not giving us a name. And he fucking goes, dude, that's not my fucking job. Yeah. He goes, I got to be innocent and solve the case for you. You fucking blue cunts.

So finally he just goes, dude, I'm not going to die. I didn't do this. Here's the name. And they go, that name is bullshit. That didn't do this. Here's the name. And they go, that name is bullshit. That's a phantom. That's not real. And then I, then you fucking find out that the guy, they fucking put this guy to do, they were putting them to death at, at, at midnight. And, and he calls up the reporter at 10 50 and he's going, I, I, I don't want to die, man. He goes, I'm afraid. And I don't want to die man he goes i'm afraid and i don't want to die and they're putting and she goes is there something you want to tell me if you want to

just get this off your chest and he goes i did not do this they're putting an innocent man to death and they fucking kill the guy and then fucking like 14 years later a fucking university of columbia looked at a thing and a professor goes, let's pick a capital case that happened that we think could have. And they fucking look at it and they hire an investigator and the investigator finds the name of the guy that the guy that died said they find out that that was the other guy on foot running that got away that night that did it. And they fucking prove that that guy did it and they fucking proved that that guy did

it and they proved that this guy got fucking killed dude and how do they prove it they proved it because the guy had a fucking rap sheet and he had fucking fingerprints and then he was a criminal in the neighborhood that everyone was afraid of he was bragging about killing him going yeah dude my other buddy my other buddies know, just in there. And he was like laughing about it. He was fucking killing and he killed other people. And there was no blood on the guy they killed. And one of the circumstantial evidence was the best they had.

All they saw, a lot of circumstance. But did they come up with the thing where they found DNA? They dig up the person that died. And they also found other pictures that they didn't fucking see in the case. And this, this is what made me mad though. This fat fucking hillbilly Texas prosecutor is still going, ah, man, you know, we don't know. And he fucking knew.

And they got, he was just a piece of shit that wanted to get a conviction because this guy was broke in a shitty neighborhood. He was a person of color. They wanted to fucking take up. They just fucking wanted to do it, dude. And this fat fucking dude is sitting there and I'm literally on the couch at one o'clock in the morning and I'm fucking shaking my, my dog was looking at me and I'm going, this is fucking bull, dude.

I got heated. I was like, fuck this, dude. I want to write to somebody. I mean, dude, there's a lot of people. People don't understand this. There's a lot of people, a lot that have been, um been talked into a confession that they didn't do because they're too fucking stupid to say, give me a lawyer. There's been a lot of people, a lot more than you would think, that were put to death that didn't do it. And there's a lot of people that are serving life sentences that didn't do it. I know that the judicial system is flawed, but I know that it's a great one. And it's always things are going to fall through the cracks, but dude, there's a lot of fucked up things, man.

And it bothers me because that's my ultimate fear. I couldn't imagine there's nothing worse. I'd rather be, I mean, I don't want to jinx anything. There's, could you imagine be, is there, Hey, how about the, Hey, is there anything where, is there anything worse than being on death row when you didn't fucking do it? Bill, could you imagine those nights? And you're telling people like you're in the you didn't fucking do it, Bill. Could you imagine those nights and you're telling people, like you're in the cafeteria going, ah, dude, they're killing me. I didn't do it.

Yeah, sure you did. I don't know, dude. I just did seven out of eight weeks on the road, man. You know, just the fact that you just get to chill. They usually don't kill you for like 15 years. You get a fucking TV. That's fucking funny, yeah. Nobody bitching 15 years. You get a fucking TV. That's fucking funny. Yeah.

Nobody bitching at you. You get your own cell. You could write, you could read. Yeah. Yeah, dude. After you die,

somebody does a TV show about you. Dude, a guy like you would lose your, you're a guy that's a busy body, dude. You have to be doing something. You're fucking flying helicopters, running around, building some, making eggs. What am I running from, Paul?

Maybe I figure it out on death row. You finally figure out what my goddamn problem is. You become a happy, satisfied man on death row. Guard, guard. I'm not angry anymore then i start making like popsicle stick houses for kids oh my god i gotta do something good before i leave this world oh my god that's so fucking funny the finally thing that cures you is that you're just in a cell in solitary and you just fuck you just become this happy i just needed you know good nine years off?

I didn't realize that. Oh, God, dude. No, that's the worst to me, dude. I'd like to apologize to all the families affected in the front row at the comedy zone for what I did. Yeah, dude. I don't know, man. I got upset. It upset me. Prison is the most horrifying uh i mean i don't accept the most so it's it's it's up there i would say any any like dude

my wife told me the other day about you know uh letting my kid run around when they were at the mall and my heart was in my throat i was like like, you were watching him, right? She goes, yes, Bill. I was like, I'm just, you know, fucking nervous. I know. I know. I am too, man. Like, God forbid your kid just runs out into the, you just think of the fucking worst. Anything, anything.

It's the frigging worst. Yeah. I understand helicopter parents. Dude, you know what I do? Every morning my daughter goes and she shuts off you know the outdoor lights and she goes out there and i walk out with her just in case there's a coyote there i do it at night and i do it in the morning i just yeah no i get it that's because you're a great dad dude you got to do that i don't want my kids driving i'm buying my kids suburbans the

biggest fucking i'm buying my kids you know that's the one where i don't have like fear like my kids are gonna be really good drivers i'm gonna teach them uh my truck shifts on the tree so i'm gonna teach them both how to drive that thing and um then i'm gonna know how to drive a stick and then by the time they get of age dude the cars you know the cars are so friggin safe now although the amount of people that die in car accidents they don't even talk about it still to this day every time you drive down the street you see another cross on the side of the road you know that's what always cracks me up when people tell me about you know aviation is dangerous it's like yeah it's dangerous

but like do you understand how dangerous driving a car is yeah and then they try to go oh that's because uh it's because everybody's doing it yeah everybody is doing it they're all out there yeah and now dude everybody's on their fucking phones trying to swipe to get to the new song and people drive like they're drunk every time you get a fucking red light dude the light turns green i swear, 40% of the time you got to peep because somebody's sitting there staring at their phone. Yeah. Planes aren't in bumper to bumper. Yeah, they aren't. You're not in gridlock in a fucking Boeing ever.

Yeah. Somebody doesn't fly in front of you within brake check. There's another fucking three lanes of planes are going this way oh dude i saw that air emirates thing where the fucking plane of a boeing wing was like a hunt not even a hundred feet over the nose of another one and the fan the people on the plane are going oh oh and it fucking dude it was online i'll send it to you it was fucking nuts man how did that happen i yeah i don't know what country, yeah, I don't know. What country was that in? I don't know. I got, I saw it though. I actually saw somebody had it on their phone on the one plane and people started to, and then it went over. It was probably a little higher than you

thought, but like a hundred feet is like, they say really like, you know, close a hundred feet. Yeah. That would be way too close. Yeah, no, it was fucked. I was like, ah, you know, and you know me, but, um, and it was a little bit higher than they were? It was higher. The wing went over the top of the other... It was probably an illusion, because I think they would have been caught in that thing's jet wash,

and they would have been in major trouble. Well, wait, they go on perpendicular to it. Maybe they could have flown through it. Yeah, like one was coming this way, and then the other one went over. It was fucking nuts. Yeah. That's what people did. That's what people did.

That's what people did. They were going, oh, oh, oh. And then, no. My big fear is you're in one of those things. Paul, put your hands to your face. You're fucking fading out. Put your hands up near your face. There you go.

What am I, in play? now put your hands up near your face there you go what am i um play yeah but if you have it close it's gonna focus on in on your hands if you have them near your face um my big thing is a few times there's been those jumbo jets where the front section like first class breaks off that happened one time in the plane is like continued to fly a little bit before it goes down i mean dude can you imagine being in the front row of the fucking section right before your feet dangling out i mean i know you're going so fast that wind's hitting you i mean that's the ultimate roller coaster like my god dude that's fucking yeah that's i guarantee you somebody stood up and opened the over compartment who's grabbing that bag you know that fucking douche sir please take your seats we haven't landed yet my um even noticed the front of the thing came off i don't know if you remember this but in the early 90s there was an airplane coming back from hawaii

and the top just came off and a couple people got sucked out but the people with their belts on stayed on it my mom's best friend landed at the airport it was at and saw it it literally was a boeing convertible it was the top of the plane just flew off at and saw it. It literally was a Boeing convertible. It was the top of the plane just flew off. And she saw it sitting there. You could actually YouTube it and look at the picture. And if you didn't have your belt on, you just got fucking sucked out and they fucking landed. It popped off on the landing.

And then what's amazing too is the mask come down from up top. They must've been below where you needed to pressurize the cabin because they all would have been dead. Oh, Jesus. But dude, federal... Can you imagine how loud that was, the screaming? No. No, I couldn't.

Dude, and then you're landing to begin your vacation. Getting off with your Hawaiian shirt and they're putting a lay on you. It was a made for TV movie about that. It sounded familiar when you said it. I just remember one scene in the movie where this kid looks up and he goes, can you get a picture? Andrew, can you get a picture of that airplane? I'm trying to find one now. But yeah, kid says the stewardess in the movie goes, like, miss, what is that?

And there's just like this tiny little hole and it's going, and then slowly rips off. Yeah, I remember that, 1990. Aloha Airlines, flight 243. I hope you enjoy Honolulu. Hope you enjoy Honolulu. You want to thank you for choosing Piedmont. Your business is very special to us.

Anyone who didn't get sucked out is getting a 500 mile voucher. And your first two pineapples are on us. Just be thankful you live in a country free enough that you can fly around and possibly get sucked out dude 500 they just give a cheap voucher it's like what it's like that woman who died there's no way anybody said she was doing what she loved no serving drinks on an airplane isn't yeah you can't do you can't pull that one what do you got to say no picture at least it was quick what she's trying sorry it's giving me a couple pictures i want to make sure i got the right one it's like one from the movie i just don't want to give it oh yeah dude that is like how

does a fucking how does it structurally fall apart like that oh you're going dark this week man you started with the murder and the guy on death row gets killed i'm trying to stand it Dude, that is like, how does a fucking, how does it structurally fall apart like that? Paul, you're going dark this week, man. You started with the murder and the guy on death row gets killed. I'm trying to send it positive. Yeah, look at this fucking thing, dude. What? Dude, that landed. That landed.

That fucking thing landed. 88. Look at that. Holy shit, dude. Dude, you must've been like, when it thing finally came to a stop, I still would be freaking out to go. This thing's going to catch on fire. I would've jumped out. Yeah. If I was in that fuck dude, look at, there's like a little kid sitting there. If you didn't have your belt on, you were fucked.

Do the guy in the blue shirt rubbing his head. Oh, God, I finally had enough money to go. You know what's fucking hilarious? It was first class. Oh, my. Dude, we used our miles flying first class to Hawaii. We never win. Dude, the people in the back must have been yeah because it must have felt the thing was going to snap in half the whole time landing dude that was aloha airlines aloha can mean hello and goodbye that's like perfect oh my god that is that is the most fucking terrifying

that's worse i would rather do two years in jail innocent than fucking to be on that thing i wouldn't i'd i'd fucking i deal with those nightmares you wouldn't you would you would what i would do two years in prison fuck that fuck that two years in prison or the worst 45 minutes of your life dude two years in prison you could fucking draw you could fucking read that fucking airplane you know what's going through your head in the ass i mean paul there's a lot of other things that can happen i mean you could fucking 45 as long as i'm buckled then uh dude i don't even like roller coasters forget about that shit imagine just sitting there going like you're just sitting there

this is gonna be great we're about to land what if you live and you show up to the resort and they all had safe flights and you're just sitting there with a fucking bar that hollowed out coconut oh and they're playing that music we do do a woman starts singing tiny bubbles a woman puts a lay on you just swipe it off give me a double uh you're fucking looking in like boat rides to go back oh all right it takes 10 days to go back it's a 10-day vacation i could still call i could use two sick days plus my vacation time to get back do you ever fly again if you're on that plane do you ever get on a one an airplane again absolutely not you you can't that's a scarred for life do you know what's even worse than that not only do you never get to fly again

you have to have all your friends going but but what are the odds the odds are astronomical that that's going to happen again as you're sitting there going like yeah but buddy you suck at math yeah i just picture somebody in the in the bathroom on the plane just sitting there put your pants up what the fuck i i'm not opening the door you're just staying in there well i don't know what the fuck i'm walking into are there terrorists out there or what why is the toilet water up on the ceiling something's going on with physics that i don't understand i'm staying in here dude how much is that fucking cheap ass fucking airplane uh toilet door rattling oh my god oh my god like the exorcist

oh you know what's funny he was in there screaming or she was screaming too not even knowing what they were screaming about just heard this big noise and her like what it happened tell me what's happening before i open this fucking door you think you're gonna die dude because you just hear that screaming and you're like it's over we're gonna crash and you probably hear the air in the plane dude oh is there anything worse than dying on an airplane crash while sitting on the toilet no no he probably thought it was the other bathroom toilet being flushed He probably thought it was the other bathroom toilet being flushed. Yeah, there's been some wild ones.

No, dude. Do you know somebody tried to fucking hang on to the landing gear and get pulled up when the landing gear comes up and was trying to stow away that way? First of all, even if the person lived, it just squashed him like a bug. Oh, my God. What? Oh, yeah, and somebody had to hose that off.

Guy sitting there in the hangar. I'm a fucking mechanic. You get a flat on this thing, I'll change it. I'm not hosing out a fucking mushed up head. Oh, my God. Yeah, Schwarzenegger did that in Commando, except that's how he got out of the... Yeah, that's, yeah, that's how he got, he did that. Schwarzenegger did that in commando.

Didn't break his back either. Went in on like a 45 degree angle into a fucking swamp about three feet deep. Just got right up and shook it off. He's going to, what is he going? 300 miles an miles an hour that's he should have looked at the camera that's why you always do your squats never no he fucking jumps out an airplane lands feet first into a marsh and then stands up never skip leg day does a little wink and then fucking continues on with it oh my god you know what's my favorite thing in the world actors that do their own stunts oh tom cruise why are you doing that dude tom cruise do

forget about tom cruise he's not the original guy burt reynolds used to do it dude burt reynolds at the end of his life was on painkillers and And he used to jump the fucking cars, dude, back when you just jumped a car. Yeah, but dude, Tom Cruise held on to that fucking B-2 bomber and had it take off and then come around and land. I would rather do that than get in a 76 Grand Prix and try to jump it across the fucking creek or fall off a barn under a mattress the way they did the other back in the day dude they had they had nothing oh dude i don't know guys used to just break their

backs all the time i broke my back and then fucking two months later you're on another picture and the guy shows up i only fall off horses now you know evil kenevil isn't even evil kenevil break every bone in his body trying to jump that caesar's palace thing over the course of his career i think he just about broke every bone you could break dude that one where he fell off of caesar's it looked like a dummy it looked like a mannequin yeah he tried to jump the uh the fountain up front what sucks is you go there and they redid the whole thing. I thought that out of respect for him, they should have kept it. You know, when JFK got assassinated, they won't even show any Adelie Plaza.

You can't keep a fountain for Evel Knievel. Dude, how about Robbie Knievel? Robbie Knievel jumped a motorcycle from one casino roof to another. Oh, I remember that. Everybody goes, well, you know, it wasn't that big a deal. Yeah, it is. Yeah, it is. Yeah, give the guy some credit.

Just because his dad's Evel Knievel, man, fuck. Dude, do you know what happens if a crosswind? That ramp could not be wide enough. Oh, my God. That's my thing, dude. I hate heights. Unless I'm in, like, something that flies, then I'm all right with it. My son hates heights.

My son Lucas hates heights. He's like, that's a big fear of his, too, man. He does not like heights. All right, everybody, it's Paint Your Life. If you're looking for a special gift for somebody this holiday season, uh, something truly unique and personal, we've got a great idea for you at paint your life.com. You can have an original painting by a world-class artist done by hand from, uh, from any photo at an affordable price, Get a professional hand-painted portrait created from any photo

at a truly affordable price. Why is it saying the same shit back to back, Andrew? All right. Send any picture. You didn't stretch before this, Reed. You're stumbling. You're hitting every gate in the steeple. I really came out of the gates fucking hobbling all right but dude i mean you were trying to energy your way through this read

just slow it down half a tick dude you'll get it send any picture yourself your children hold on oh fuck dude that's funny hey it's early okay send any picture uh yourself your children hold on oh fuck dude that's funny hey it's early okay send any picture uh yourself your children family a special place or a cherished pet or combine photos into one painting that means a dead dead pet i know which it was past tenseished. You're not cherishing your pet. It's cherished. Yeah, I don't know, man. That's like, yeah, that's, I don't know about putting your pet on a blanket or socks anyway. Or combine photos into one.

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Roman ready. You ever see those idiots when they're doing that stupid, uh, you know, that, um, jumping around like your Spider-Man and they forget where they're at and they think that they're going to like jump, hop over some shit and land on something and they're on the side of a parking garage no what no oh yeah what do they call what do they call that and andrew when they did they jump around over picnic tables and then they run up oh like they use their hands and then they jump off with their yeah yeah like parkour

freestyle walking yeah freestyle yeah those guys there was one that just came out where a guy was like doing like the pull-ups off the side of the building then he got to the last one and you see him kind of like struggling and it's just like you know when you get to that last pull-up you can't do and then they try and like grab him they just you just see him like disappear into the clouds below him because it's like russia no this reminds me of this reminds me of the woman that there's people that run there's people that walk on all fours and this woman got so good at it she said that we're animals that are supposed to walk and they show her in a park andrew could you pull it up dude she jumps over

just just type in woman runs on the woman runs on all four she literally on level ground yeah she walks and runs on all fours like an animal and she's like so good at it that it looks like a fucking something galloping but then she like jumped over a table andrew please find it it's paul can you imagine if you met her at a bar and she was so cool you instantly fell in love with her and then you go to leave and she goes out on all fours first you're like oh wow this chick's this chick likes doggy style man it's gonna be amazing no be amazing. No, you got to find it. You could just like, yeah, you see it, right? It's fucking, Bill, it's when you see it, it's actually, but she's good.

She like gallops. Oh, my God. Dude, dude, one of them jumps over a fucking table, dude. Oh my God. Dude. Dude. One of them jumps over a fucking table, dude. Like that's fascinating. That's one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

Oh my God. Dude. how much is that oh shit oh shit dude oh fuck no that is unbelievable her ass wasn't so high in the air i mean i'm buying it dude through the table she doesn't even touch it Unbelievable. If her ass wasn't so high in the air, I mean, I'm buying it. Dude. Through the table. She doesn't even touch it. Do you realize the stress on your fucking shoulders? That is just like a dog.

Dude. That is amazing, man. I'm sorry. That's fucking amazing. I, I, do you imagine you pick her up for a date honey paul's here you just hear a fucking like is that your dog she comes down this you know you get it for christmas you know know those four little booties you get your dog You get her some of those Dude you take her out to dinner

Her fucking hands are all filthy Take her out to a nice place Paul Where it's up on the second floor And she just gallops up the stairs You just take her to a park And fucking throw a frisbee she fucking runs on fucking old jumps and grabs in there man i gotta tell you though man that was fucking amazing she cleared that table dude she didn't do like a face plant she actually stopped it i mean

it was just like but it's so unnecessary it's you imagine being her dad? You just be like, she's going to be, she's never moving out. That is the epitome of just wanting to be right. Oh my God, dude. That's one of the funny, my stomach hurts. Oh my God. Dude, dude, you just take her to a park and she's like, you mind if I go for a stroll? Yeah. Dad probably runs her every morning to get that energy out of her.

Honey, that's what we're having company over. Can you just not do that? It looks like they should make that an Olympic sport. Just have like. Wait, so there's no fucking way, dude. What? Like going around the house. Like I go to brush my teeth and she gets out of bed

and scampers across the room like a terrier. It's like a horror movie. It's like the chick from The Ring. I don't know, man. I don't know if she does that in her normal life. If I was walking down the street and some woman started galloping towards me, I would scream in horror. Yes. Me. That's fucking weird, dude.

Fucking Buddha right in the head. Just freaking out. How could you hit a woman? That wasn't a woman. When she was a dragon, when she cleared that picnic table, I almost threw up laughing, dude. That is, that was ridiculous. That was literally like a dog. On any level, I know it looks ridiculous, but like the fact that she didn't face plant.

No, it isn't. And it was smooth. It wasn't like she took the hit and just has upper body strength. She just, she came down like a fucking dog. No, it's, it's, she, that's got to be practice for years. I'll tell you, Paul, I'm buying. I'm buying on that one. Honey, Thanksgiving dinner's ready. She wipes out on the linoleum floor.

Or maybe she gets nervous. You know when dogs get nervous when they're on the floor and they walk like really slowly. Come on, honey. Come on. It's getting cold. You know, you could just stand up. Mom, we talked about this.

Let me be who I am. How confused would her real dog be? Like the real dog must be like, dude, what the fuck? If dogs could laugh, that dog would be like dude what the fuck like if dogs could laugh that dog would be look at that how slow is that hairless dog over there oh i just got some ups would you fuck it i mean that's probably what the dogs are thinking oh my god dude oh i don't know if i've ever laughed like that. How did you stumble across that? I just saw something that said like, you know, those people that are like you said, you just

nailed it when you said like people want to be right. It was one of those things where it was like, no, humans are supposed to, you know, we could go on all fours. That's why we have. Oh, God bless the Internet. Yeah. All these non-doctor fucking morons. And then they try.

We're supposed to. Did you see how high up in the air our ass is? Yeah. There's a reason. Every other animal that has that level of disproportion to their front legs, fucking walks on their back or hops around like a kangaroo. Yes. It's like,

look at the difference in length between our legs and our arms. You shouldn't be doing that. That's probably really bad for her back. How about the fact you have hands instead of feet? You know, that's like, look at the difference in length between our legs and our arms. You shouldn't be doing that. That's probably really bad for her back. How about the fact you have hands instead of feet? You know, that's probably a good idea. Imagine she was the coolest, like, sports fan. You know, go down, go on the old brajol, take care of you. She was just the best girlfriend.

But she just fucking ran to the mailbox like a dog. I wonder what she can do a 440 because that trot was impressive oh dude oh my god that's funny dude how do you tell he's got to be killing her though how do you tell your boys like yeah dude i, I'm dating. My girl's coming out to dinner with, she's a little different. Just heads up. Hey, if she jumps up on you, just ignore her. We're trying to break her. Can't hear me. Can you hear me? I can't hear bill. I can hear bill. Can you hear me? You probably hit mute oh this is great let's make fun of Paul now

what is that hat he's wearing I know I recognize that that signal which hat now you can hear me then oh now I can yeah it just it just came back what

I just love that you answered the question before he said oh now I can hear you just came back. What? I just love that you answered the question before he said, oh, now I can hear you. You just jumped back in. Like, what you had? I was like, oh, shit. We're fucking talking about Paul here. I didn't know he could hear us. No, I just. I was like, I was on a two-way mirror.

And then all of a sudden you could see me. I just got you back. What are you making those faces at me for? What is that logo on your head? I've seen that before. No, no. It's a buddy of mine who does a podcast in Canada, Josh Williams. Shout out to Josh Williams, one man partner.

I thought that was some sort of auto part thing. Oh, no. Oh, no. Dude, that is like some unbelievable skill, funny stuntman shit. But, I mean, dude. You come over your house house she smells your crotch the fun you could have just sitting there while she's trying to convince you dude the more you wouldn't believe her the more she would fucking be jumping over shit

dude like you would win money dude be like dude i bet you i'm not even joking dude i bet you my girl can fucking all force jump over that picnic table because i get the fuck out of here be like no dude she's gonna run like a dog and jump over the fuck out clear it not touch it and not face plant i give you 200 bucks dude fuck that make it five yo he said his girl's gonna you know she just comes bounding out of the house like a saint bernard did it did a whistle she has that but don't but don't rhythm of like dog sort of getting into a trot or horses oh my god dude that's one of the funniest things i've ever seen and how do you i'll tell you what isn't funny, Paul.

What isn't funny is what happened to her earlier in her life that caused her to be that isolated and relate that much to fucking animals. That's the part that isn't funny. That's assumptive. Well, what the fuck, Paul? Something's going on there. I don't think that's assumptive is that even a word it is a word yeah um that's just sumptive everything i say is assumptive i don't read yeah but i mean yeah you're right she could because how many 42 episodes before

you realized i'm assumptive your fucking're fucking $3 word of the day. I know. I did just let me ask you a fucking question. You're telling me a new family moves in across the street and their daughter's galloping around the yard. And you don't think that their parents fucked up on some level? Yeah. You got a point.

There's gotta be something there. Yeah. You're right. You're right. It's to be something there yeah you're right you're right it's got to be something there got to be got to love animals maybe too much got it but i mean unless you just picked up a skill you know dude that would freak me out though dude if i was my it's it's not it's beyond a skill paul that is like you're leaving humanity i don't even know what to call it i don't even know what to call that hey you know what she they should take a picture of her and then turn it into a painting of her right at the apex leaping over a table you know our advertisers

yeah yeah just just get her no you have it like like a freeze action thing of her going up and over the table. Mid-picnic table. Yeah. Right. You know what I would do? I would start buying her sweatshirts that had numbers on the side, like, you know, when you go to the dog track. Teach my other siblings to do it,

and then I would just fucking have them run around the yard racing each other, and I would charge people. Take them to the track yeah i mean dude that's literally shit you'd see at at like fucking coney island come see horse girl oh my god watch your leap of picnic table. And a single bound. I couldn't like, if she was the coolest thing, like imagine loving your life. And then you found that out, dude, do you have a conversation with her over dinner and be like, listen, man,

like I love you, but you can't do that, man. What would you do if you didn't know she did it? She got to the date early. And your first inclination was you told the joke and she laughed like a horse. She gallops down the aisle at her wedding no paul you're meeting her for the first time you tell the joke and you're like oh my god she's beautiful and she has that weird laugh she goes you think oh that's kind of strange no sudden like hey you want me to give you a ride home no it's okay i'll take the train here's my number then she just fucking gallops off

she's chowing down eating like a horse oh my god she tells the organist at her wedding to speed it up so she could just run down the aisle instead of instead of like, here comes the bride, it's like... Her dad's got to jog with her down the aisle. No, her dad's super short and gets on his back.

Hey! No, her dad's super short and gets on his back. Hey, why does your dad wear those flashy clothes, man? What's going on with them? Oh, you'll see. Oh, my God, dude. This episode's going to kill me, dude. I feel like I did a thousand sit-ups. Her bridesmaids are like her bridesmaids everything's like farm animals

her bridesmaids are like chewing on hay that's what I was thinking of oh fuck dude alright I think we exhausted that premise horse girl we gotta get her on the podcast dude well i just want to all i would ask you is how it started that's all i would ask just like how did you i want to know how long it took to get the fucking strength to jump a picnic table it's not jumping over because she looks pretty

tall but like then coming down with all of that weight at that angle and just seamlessly landing. She never broke stride, Paul. She never broke stride. Never broke stride. Andrew, is it up anymore or no? I just want to see the table landing in fast motion. I want to see, I want to see what happens to her elbows when she hits oh and she tucks her fucking paws in dude i mean that is like textbook this is I don't understand how you're not crying. This is the funniest thing I've ever seen.

Yeah, she's tall, dude. Her legs are really tall. Yeah, I mean, that's... Dude, I mean, that is perfect dog or horse form. I've seen that. I just never saw a human being do it. But, Andrew, can you do it just all the way through fast? Like I just want like the whole

like jumping over the table fast. Tuck her paws up. Oh, there it is. There's the answer right in the background, Paul. What? You see all that hand-cut lumber? That's what her dad's doing instead of paying attention to her. So she's doing this to get

attention. Oh yeah, look at that big red barn. Lives in the That's what her dad's doing instead of paying attention to her. So she's doing this to get attention. Oh, yeah. Look at that big red barn. Lives in the middle of nowhere. There's a doghouse. There's a doghouse next. Yeah, she just walks. Dude, if you were hiking, if you were hiking and you saw this.

Saw this right here. The mind fuck. Dude, if I was hiking and I saw that, I would shit myself. It would be scary if she started with the trotting and then moved into that gallop. Dude, you would be backing up like in a horror movie, doing that dumb shit where you keep falling down because you can't keep your eyes off of what's chasing you. Although I got to tell you,

it's impressive until you see the dog next to her. The dog next to her is crushing it. What's funny is, Bill, you're not even laughing. You're more fascinated by it which is making me laugh because i can't i can't stop laughing at i can't believe how good she is at it i thought she was gonna be slow it was just gonna be stupid i was just like man she's fucking she's moving there yeah we gotta i want to find out who that is and how she started it that'd be the only question i would say is like dude is this because you're a great dog owner or are you just fucking bored i would stay away from that paul there's there's a lot of this

that house is uh that's built on a lot of shit there i would leave her alone she sees this i apologize i i respect what you just said i'd leave her alone like you were afraid she was going to bite you. I mean, there's something going on there, Paul. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. God bless her, though. Good for her. Who are we to judge?

You know? Well, Paul, we just did for about 25 minutes. I know. Oh, man. This is a fun one. This is fucking funny, dude. Yeah, I'm trying to think of, of like weird skills that I have like that. Like what could I, it's like, I could, maybe I could, I could throw a ball.

I could shoot a jumper. I don't have, I can't do it. None of those. Yeah. Come on. You're fucking, yeah. Pauly Main Street. We used to call you. I can't do it. Yeah. I mean, I'm not fucking doing that. You know what I can do? I could draw. I can't do it. Yeah, I mean, I'm not fucking doing that. You know what I can do? I could draw. I could draw. I'm a decent drawer.

Paul, how does that even remotely compare to galloping and jumping over a fucking table? No, it doesn't. And I'm saying I don't have anything like that. I'm trying to think of like an outside thing that I'm like, but no, nothing compares to that. What do you got? Do you have like but no nothing compares to that what do you got do you have a do you have a skill like i mean that compares to that no but like something you like unique that you could like that you could do like do you like do you have something like a different thing no well you could fly a fucking i mean you yeah you fly a fucking helicopter so that's like a skill

dude i i'm soaking a million other people there's i mean how many fucking people can leap a table like a fucking show pony yeah i mean i i would probably i've never seen anybody do that ever helicopter goes over my house every fucking 15 minutes with somebody different in it yeah yeah i don't have any there's nothing that i do that is that fucking i mean dude that's that was that's worthy of like one of those variety shows back in the day now can you tell me about this this skill you have yeah it's like a talent show i've never said i bet you two one percent of the people two percent of people could do what she just did that's incredible um oh my god that was funny back in the day her parents would have sold her to a carnival yeah it's like some freak show shit yeah you're embarrassing us yeah she'd hang out with a bearded lady her whole life by the way

that's not real right like is like the bearded lady and shit like that? Like, that's not, like, is that, like, a real thing? Yeah. You never seen chicks that have stubble? I mean, not, not like us, not like me or you. Yeah, but they don't grow a good beard. I'm sure they add some shit to it, but yeah. Dude, there's people that got that werewolf disease

where they got hair all over their face. That's fucked up, yeah. That's fucked up, dude. I'm creeped out by circuses and carnivals, dude. It creeps me out. I'm not into it. I don't go to them. I've never been to it.

I don't go to circuses. It's fucked up, man. I'm not. That's not. And there's something creepy about it to me i totally get the horror movie genre in that realm dude a carnival a freak show you know how fucking weird that is yeah it was basically deformed people yeah it's fucking horrible in uh 1865 annie jones was born in Virginia, reportedly exiting her mother's womb with her chin already covered in hair. Her parents' initial shock at having an infant

daughter with facial hair, facial hair of a full-grown man, quickly faded after they realized that they had been presented with a unique money-making opportunity. Jones was not even a year old when her parents first pushed her into P.T. Barnum's exhibition in New York City. She was billed as the infant Esau, a reference to the famously hairy brother of Jacob in the Old Testament. Most marvelous specimen three year contract at the rate of $150

for three years or $150 each year it just says a three year contract at the rate of $150 $150 a year in what in the 1800s 1865 she was born yeah dude this has been such a depressing podcast i don't know man people on death row getting sucked out of planes women galloping around

like fucking horses bearded babies 50 bucks a year bearded babies uh there you go andrew there's your fucking title for the podcast or whatever i don't know man yeah dude let's how do we get pleasant from here thanksgiving's coming up paul you're a thanksgiving guy you know i'm a christmas guy i'm a christmas guy you're not you're a Thanksgiving guy? I'm a Christmas guy. I'm a Christmas guy. You're not. You're a Christmas Eve guy. Christmas is a letdown. Yeah, after 12 o'clock noon, Christmas is done.

You're right. I'm a Christmas. I'm like 24 hours leading up to Christmas. Nothing worse than after your Christmas tree was surrounded by presents and now there's nothing underneath them about two in the afternoon. Yeah. Paper everywhere. Like, you know, you know, the worst holiday, the new year.

Happy new year. Oh yeah. Buckle up. Here it comes again. Yeah. There's this whole weird thing, dude, where it's like, you don't want to die and you want to live forever but just the thought of another year is just the dread of oh my god i got all of this

fucking work to do dude this is the year man you know what i'm gonna do i'm gonna start taking more time i've said that for fucking ever i almost had a fucking nervous breakdown yesterday just doing all it's just doing all of these fucking road gigs and then i had this other project you know f is for families coming out so i gotta do the press so i gotta do press because i was thinking like oh i got the week of thanksgiving off i was like oh fuck no f is for families coming out so it was just like, yep, we're calling up to set up the press tour for the thing, you know?

Yeah. It's going to be that. Right up until eating turkey. Sitting there with this itchy sweater on. So Bill, what is it about season five that is different than the first four? Honey, the stuffing's coming out of the uh no man i'm taking december off and it's fucking epic people asking me to do shows and i'm going

nah i'm gonna stay on my that's what i don't do i don't say no i have to learn you know paul my new year's resolution so i can live my best life is I have to start saying no. And you know what I notice about saying no? When you say no, so many more opportunities come. It's the craziest. I'm like, nah, man, I'm going to be off. All right, dude, next month. And then they keep reaching out because it's like, yeah, because I don't, you know.

There's something about not being desperate in this business. That's incredible. I've been pretty desperate, Paul, for 30 years. It's been working good for me. What do you got? I'll do it. You haven't been desperate. No, I haven't. No, I haven't. No, you don't. You don't say yes to it. You say yes to a lot more than you probably should, but you don't. You say no, right? You've said no right you've said no said no to me no i'm just kidding uh no i say i say no to a lot of uh a lot of things yeah i do i do i definitely my my shit is it is if it looks like it's good it's if it's trying to be great it's got a shot to be great i'll do it you might happen might not but i mean just to fucking to act just to act as the stupidest thing ever if you're selling tickets as a comedian so you can hold out and wait for something good

to come along like reservation dogs reservation dogs i read that script i'm like this is incredible i'll pay you to do this what is that's a show a show, right? You're doing, I'm not, I'm not. I just did. I did one episode on it. Late coach Babson. And I had an amazing time on it. So when I told you, I called you when I was in Oklahoma. Oh, I think you sent me a picture.

Oh yeah. Yeah. I look like a ginger Dr. Phil. That's so funny. That's so funny. That's so funny. No, I love it. That's one of my favorite things about acting.

It's just figuring out what the guy's going to look like. And then, you know, there's two ways to do it. You try to either look cool or you look like me and you're like, all right, how funny and ridiculous can I look? That's so funny. Yeah, I really enjoy it. Did you hear what Craig Ferguson said about Dr. Phil in his special? Fucking, he went in. Dude, Craig Ferguson just goes, he's not even a fucking doctor.

And he just fucking went in on him. And everyone was going nuts. Like, fuck that guy. I don't know if they have a history. But I didn't realize that Dr. Phil is not actually like a legit doctor. Is that just true? Oh, I always thought he was a former therapist. How can you say doctor if you're not?

Like that's like legally. Maybe he got an honorary doctorate. Maybe he legally changed his name, first name to Dr. Phil. He holds a doctorate in clinical psychology. what is he holds a doctor he holds a doctorate in clinical psychology uh the only thing that people will pick on him for is that he ceased to renew his license to practice in 2006 my guess is for liability reasons or television or something so they can say it's entertainment and not you remember we did that you need to stop hitting your wife. Everyone goes nuts.

He's doing that, like, that down-home logic bullshit. He just got divorced. Let me ask you this. Why should she? A raccoon is sitting on a fence. He just got divorced and i think she's you know obviously she i think he got taken to the fucking cleaners dude i think he got taken to the cleaners oh i would not want to wake up with angry dr phil at the foot of my bed he looks like he's capable of murder you will die uh you didn't pay for this house you cunt no you gotta do the uh before uh you cunt

you took all my money i've seen his house i flew over one time we were flying looking at something and somebody told me go that's dr phil's house dude this thing was fucking used the thing that that is all right is even dr phil cut in half you know can live in a house the size of a school. Yeah. Oh yeah. That guy made Oprah hooked that mother Oprah. He was Oprah's Oprah gave an opportunity and he fucking knocked it out of the park. Yeah. She, he fucking ran through that wall, but, uh, he doesn't say anything profound and he makes it sound profound. He makes it like, this is abusive. And then everybody cheers. It's like, yeah, the guy's an alcoholic and he hit her. Of course.

Everybody knows it's abusive. Fuck dude. That guy. It was funny. I've never really even watched the show, but I always make fun of it. I always just see the clips. No, he just has it. He sides with the women all the time because he knows where his bread is butter you know well maybe if he did a little less talking and a little more listening and they fucking go nuts she's a person not a possession dude i bet he has a writing staff to write applause break lines. Maybe if you started treating your wife like a queen instead of some bitch you met at an IHOP.

Yo, dude, what if he had the chick that galloped on the show? You need to stop running on your hands. You only have one set of... Last I checked, you buy a pair of shoes, you only get two from a ride.

Always doing that down-home Southern comedy thing. Yeah. No, he's doing that down home Southern comedy thing. Yeah. No, he's that guy. I don't want to say the guy's stealing money because he has helped a lot of people, but it is, you want to talk about mainstream down Broadway, what he's doing. Paul, how much

you know how much I would be drinking if I did that every fucking day? Oh my God. If I went on and I just sided with women because that's what I got to do. Cause they're the only ones that are, I love how they're smarter than us yet. They watch shit like that. Cause I know they're smarter than us.

Cause I got a boy and a girl now. Oh no, they're deeper. They're deeper for sure. They are. But then they just want, I think maybe they're so smart. They got to watch dumb shit just to decompress.

I don't know what it is, but like those fucking shows, maybe, you know what it is? Like we, we, we sort of deal with like, you know,

strength shit. Can this guy beat this guy up or tackle this guy? Is this guy faster than that guy? And they're always psychological. So I think that that's why like, they like to watch those shows where it's about emotions because, you know, you don't have to go to the gym

and you can just manipulate everybody in the fucking room yeah i don't know no it's listen i'm gonna tell you right now and everybody knows this my wife is way smarter than i am okay i can barely dress myself he's doing like hacky 80s stand-up comedy. He's probably so fucking cool to have a beer with, though. I bet you if you had a beer with him, you'd be fucking chill, dude. He's one of those guys that you make fun of. You have a beer with him right before his show, and then he goes, all right, time to go tickle some twats.

That's how I make my money. I'll make them giggle. These dumb fucks. I'll be back later, man. I'll tell you right now. I'm on an 18-show streak. I've banged a chick in the front row. Every month we pick a different row.

I got something going with the cameraman. We have a beer with him. He's like, hey, Bill, Paul, man, I got them right with the cameraman. We have a beer with him. He's like, hey, Bill, Paul, man, I got them right where I want them. Dumb cunts. Take care, man. Yeah. All right. I'll tell you right now.

You tell a stupid bitch what she wants to hear, they'll be lining up for your studio audience. Sometimes I actually feel guilty, you know, can't believe the first of all, I've come as a man to come on my show. They know I'm not listening. Oh shit. Oh God.

Well, maybe if you let her drive every once in a while and I'm not talking about the car. drive every once in a while and i'm not talking about the car oh good god what did uh yeah she got like 200 million or something man it's like dude no i'm gonna be honest with you and women might get upset at this i don don't give a fuck. Like what anybody says, if the person you're with achieved $500 million and you get a divorce, okay. And the settlement is you getting half of that when you did none of the things that that person achieves. It's fucking criminal, man. It is, it is, it is,

it's criminal, man. There should be ways, both ways. Cause now you're seeing it happen into women. You've seen it happen to women. It's funny. And all of a sudden you see Cosmo is starting to give women advice like on, you know, if you're making more money than your man, cause he's fucking guys, dude asked for like alimony. What kind of a man asked for alimony? Yeah. You know what they always say? They always go, I, but I supported but i supported him i i said you can do it oh man i used to do a bit about that how like when the stay-at-home mom of some fucking billionaire guy all of a sudden everything that they did lounging around the house becomes like a position you know like i managed the pool i managed the house that's what it is i oversaw the the redesign of the pool

it's just like what do you so you you fucking redesigned the pool with his money i picked the curtain color okay yeah okay yeah he makes all that money but all those little things and they add up i did that at home dude nobody nobody owes somebody else 200 million dollars unless you made lord of the rings and even they didn't pay paul i know i know dude that movie made like 350 million made over a billion dollars and they still on paper were not in profit and these guys had to fucking sue to try and get their money they they shot at new zealand and so it wasn't sag they so the actors got no residuals wait a minute how could it make a billion dollars and still not be in profit because of the way they

do the math they go well we spent spent a billion and one dollars on advertising and then they use the money that they owe you to pay for a legal team to keep you at bay wow and they own the company they own subsidiaries that they pay out so they're paying themselves so it's like oh we paid 50 million dollars to advertise with you know insert advertising company it's like well that's just a branch of like yeah and then the people that you made the deal with sell the production company to somebody else. And like, well, we didn't do that. Somebody else acquires it or something like that. And then they're gone and it's a hundred percent legal. Um, well, I will say this about Dr. Phil, at least he fucking, you know, he still gets to

keep 300 million bucks. It's an absolute, it's criminal that she got 200 million. I don't mean, I don't know what she got but some probably something like that you know i know tiger woods his wife got uh a quarter of a billion dollars i know and he had a prenup so how does that work huh how does that work is the world works for them the world works for white women and they still complain all the time. It's brilliant. Oh, Jesus, man. That's at least if Jay-Z. White women can literally hit cops and nothing happens.

You can watch YouTube videos of them fucking putting their hands on cops. Even as a white guy, it's like, dude, I would be face down on the pavement right now looking at an assault charge. I'm doing this a bit about white women being the worst in comedy, just when they have three Chardonnays and, uh, and then that guy, you know, Crockett, that guy, what's his name? The, the black comic Crockett. He does impression. The guy who had the woman come on stage. Yeah. So then he's, he had a woman come on stage and she's just standing there with

her hands on her hips and she's going that's really offensive and he just goes is anybody here offended and she just got to stand on the stage with her hand it was and stood there and looked around and it was like yeah this is why this is fucking why dude you know this is why we say that it's like you're not picking on as well It's always picking on Karens and white women are the target. It's like, no, because that behavior, dude. I was at the stand. There was a party of white women in the back, and they were like looking at their phone and talking,

and I tried to address it. No, no, it's okay. Go ahead. It's the worst. It's absolutely the fucking worst, man. And then you call them a dumb cunt or whatever you say, and then you're the fucking, then they're out there crying. Maybe next time you should ask him what they're talking about and maybe learn

something. Listen to their feelings. Maybe you could learn something. No, it'd be great. If Jay-Z and Beyonce ever got divorced, they would neither of them have to worry. You can't take half of them. They both are. They know they both worth 500 million. Oh, more than, yeah. They're probably like approaching. They'd be like, there's no, there's no alimony. It's just like, I, you can, you know what I mean? They have like equal. It's like insane. I wonder if that's boring.

I bet you after a while it is to just go on yachts and what makes you excited? You got every fucking thing you need. Killer rides, you know, I guess your kids, I guess the only thing at that point is to just give your wisdom to your kids and try to raise your kids. Right. And their, their challenge is probably, you know what their challenge is? I'm going to tell you right now, like what Key and Peele did a thing, like Will Smith's son getting roles and like what he grew up with. I think that problems for people like Beyonce is making,

like having their kids understand reality. Could you imagine being the kids of like both of your parents are almost billionaires and like, there's just chauffeurs and chefs and like, life is that you got to sit down at one point and be like, all right, look, man, this is kind of not how it really real world works. Yeah. But how, how could you, how can, you know, there's people that grow up in poverty. They don't know anything else. I know it's those people will be stronger you rather grow up in poverty and get out of it than fucking wake up and have a fucking i'd rather be in the middle

middle class i grew up middle class yeah i grew up i grew up kind of middle middle class too you know we didn't have a lot, but we didn't have like, we had like a car that wasn't great. We had clothes on our back and apartment for a while. Like we were like, we had good times and bad times. Like we weren't, we weren't good with money. Dude, if your parents are building, we lost a house. We had a house. We were renting. Then we had a house. Then we lost it. Went into like a duplex. And then got back out and had a house.

So most of my childhood, I lived in a, let's see, from like second grade to high school, beginning of high school. We were in a duplex. duplex okay but it was cool though but you know my parents then learned about money and you know and and uh i think is what happened and then we were finally able to get out but then i think they were a little nervous about trying to buy a house again because they lost one the first time well you also had a lot of a lot of siblings and stuff but my when my parents got divorced i I was five and Christian was 10. Me, Christian and my mom lived in a one bedroom apartment. My mom like kind of slept in the living room for a little while after the divorce.

And it was just like, and then all of a sudden get a house again, work it back up. But it was always middle-class, but if you grow up, that was up that was back then like when did all of a sudden like getting divorced became really profitable for women because there was you know the 1800s they would they would the women would be out in the street the guy was like you know yeah get the fuck out of here now i mean i i obviously don't know but i know in the 80s there was women like women get the kid and the divorce court women get the kids and stuff but imagine growing up a billionaire bill because if you grow up a billionaire's kid you're like you're like uh coming to america eddie murphy it you know what it really that depends on how many kids they have yeah i guess because if they have like five or six kids you know you're going from a billion dollars to like a hundred and change each.

And then they have five kids. That's how like families, they don't have the money they used to have those Robert. Well, that's what a lot of those Robert Barron say, but I don't, families say, I don't necessarily believe it. What year was Charles Lindbergh's kid? What year was Charles Lind limberg's kid what year was charles limberg's kid kidnapped was that that that was in the no because i know that that was like a that was like an inside was that like a a ransom thing because they had because their that kid was i don't know if that

was their only kid but like what year march of uh 1932 oh wow that was a long time ago okay so he must have been she must have been crushing it in 1932 dude what the hell made you bring that up i'm just thinking of rich rich young rich kids and rich kids and you think of charles lindberg i mean that's why they took, I was thinking like the Johnson and Johnson family, the Vanderbilts. I went, Hey, what about that pilot? I'm sure he made his money barnstorming and shit. No, but wasn't he crushing it? Like, didn't,

didn't he have like a huge estate like and they took the for ransom he was super famous i do know that but i i don't know i don't i'll be honest with you i don't know listen dude there's the famous person and there's the people that pay the famous people the the original celebrities other than people in politics i think were uh those super rich families the asters the vanderbilts uh the rockefellas johnson and johnson all of them and uh i think that they they learned what the mob learned you know was keep your face out of the fucking papers people stay out of your business and you're allowed to kind of operate and do what you want that was funny i did it i did a um a stand-up show and this younger comic was talking about al capone and was basically talking about how amazing this guy was like he was a genius right

it's like no he's an idiot but he's saying capone was a genius yeah the guy was an idiot he was walking around a canary yellow suit talking to the press. It's like all of the guys that were geniuses from that era, those gangsters, you don't know their names. And they went like legit. They started like banks that still exist today from what I heard. I'm not trying to get in trouble here, Paul, but from what I heard. Yeah, well, that's why Frank Lucas got fucked.

Because Frankas was the guy in the shadows nobody knew where it was and they had that fucking whole thing on the board they couldn't find out who the guy was then he fucking showed up to that ali frazier fight in a fucking fur coat down to his knees with a matching fur hat and they actually you could see the picture and the guy the fbi goes who the fuck is that guy and then boom on the radar you know and uh can't do it i bet it was more than how he was dressed it was how people around him were treating him yeah they were probably treating him like the king so they're like who the fuck is that guy yeah they were like that's the motherfucker he's here and then he should have been dressed like us sitting in the nosebleeds exactly instead he's ringside and nobody knows who he is and he's

in a fur one night that's that's what's scary about that whole criminal shit you just fuck up once nothing makes a statement like a fucking head to toe fur coat though can we be honest if you show up head to toe fur it's a statement it's a statement i'm not saying a good i'm not saying good or bad i'm saying somebody you posted something on twitter and i saw it where you were just like i mean this right here is just fucking yeah oh clyde yeah clyde frazier he looked ridiculous i loved it dude a man in a fur coat is one of the most ridiculous things. You might as well have a dress on. That is the most effeminate shit.

A fur coat's for a woman. A guy doesn't walk around in a fucking fur coat. No, but I'm just saying it's a statement as far as people seeing it go, who the fuck is that? You got to be somebody that is trying to get attention if you wear that. Yeah. I mean, yeah. I mean, you're is trying to get attention if you wear that. Yeah. I mean, yeah. I mean, you're definitely trying to get attention.

I don't think I could pull it off. I couldn't pull it off. I couldn't pull it off. Paul, you would absolutely crush. You're too short to go full length. Yeah, that's the thing. It looks good with Clyde because he's like 6'10". Yeah.

I would do a waist length chinchilla with a hood on it thin yeah with a hood on it yeah that's the thing when you're 5'8 you got to pick and choose how much is the chinchilla hood that someone will throw a bucket of red paint at Verzi I'm gonna get you a chinch Let me see. Chinchilla. Andrew pull up a chinchilla fur coat, a waist length, man. No. Yeah. For sale. Let me see what it is. I'm looking it up right now. Oh, Paul, you would crush this thing. $18,995. A full length is 24 fucking grand.

Look. Yeah, dude, he looks ridiculous. He looks ridiculous with like the platform shoes with the glass heel with the goldfish in it. I don't know man look how he's looking at himself though that's what i love he's looking at himself yeah dude that that is i look at that and i'm like that's someone who doesn't understand money he's got klyde's killing it though he is killing it. But that's just, that's just like a, uh, the flash of that is just, it gets back to, yeah, he's going out Capone. I got money and I need everybody to know I got money here. I come.

Well, the thing is at least he's a ball player. Al Capone was like doing crime and showing himself off. That's really ridiculous and ignorant. Yeah. Yeah. It's like. Yeah. All of that shit, Paul.

All of that shit is fucking. Got to be up in the nosebleeds. Listen, I like when a fighter does it. I like when fighters do it and they talk shit and all that type of stuff. That's fucking hilarious. Like when Conor McGregor was wearing one and he walked by the press and he goes it's polar bar oh conor was in a fur yeah or he was hyping the mayweather flight oh that's fucking great yeah it's polar bar

that was fucking hilarious and then he's also, you know, one of the fucking baddest guys on the planet. I really feel like you got to be one of the baddest dudes on the planet. Like, they should look at your resume. Because there's enough guys out there creating apps that could have enough money to go buy a chinchilla fucking coat. But, like, you got to be like, like, women got to love you. You got to be able to handle yourself in a fight. You don't get sloppy drunk. You got to be a guy's fucking guy.

You got to be a hero, dude. You got to be a fucking hero. But here's the thing with you. Can I be honest with you? I'm going to be honest with you. Be honest with me. You, no. The thing with you is you go no flash.

Like, I think you would be amazing with the, I think you would look amazing with a nice little, like not a crazy gold chain, but you'd look good with a gold chain, man. I'm telling you. It drops your IQ, Paul, 50 fucking points. It just does. Nah, man.

It does. You'd look good with a fucking chain. It does, Paul. It does. I just, I see that and i see massive insecurity insecurity that's all i see see i there's no listen i definitely have my issues but there is no way when my wife i know italians are exempt with the jewelry thing it's part of your culture i'm just saying crime and jewelry okay yeah, I'm just saying like,

like, uh, yeah. Can I tell you something, Paul, if I can be perfectly honest with you, I am an isolated loner. Fucking psycho.

I don't want people looking at me. I don't want people. I don't even fucking notice people looking at me. I'm so in my own goddamn head. I don't notice shit. And I forget what I do, that I do shit like this. When we started this podcast, week one, week two, week three, you were this zen, going to therapy, zen.

I was like, holy shit, this guy, what happened? He turned a page. He holy shit this guy what happened he turned the page he's fucking and and what happened what's going on with the therapist what happened was i did seven fucking weeks on the road out of eight that's what happened yeah dude and i i just like dude i'm not like i'm not saying like when i go out in like fucking public paul i'm not trying to fucking attract attention no with my kids i'm fucking great dude every night every night i chase my kids around we got this big like kid room area and i just chase them around and and my daughter will tell me like okay i go how many times i go i'm gonna catch her she goes i bet I can go five times around before you catch me so you all right I go I'm taking off my socks I'm gonna be faster right and I do that every single night that's my favorite thing to do so when I'm on the road

I don't get to fucking do that and then also when I do the road as much as I'm doing it I just go into survival mode you're in every different time zone and that type of shit and it's just like you never get to sleep because you always have to take the first one out because it's a travel day and there's a show that night and just in case there's a delay you're still gonna make it so it's just like two shows you get done at 12 30 what time's pickup 6 a.m fuck that shit That shit. You know, you do that for two months straight. I just need some sleep, Paul. That's all.

Don't write me off. No. No, I just don't understand what your problem. You just don't. What's your problem with gold? You're, you know, a gold watch. I'm telling you, man. Gold watch.

You'd look great. It's not attention. I didn't say a watch. All right. You wear a gold watch then, right? When I start veering into what women wear, like necklaces and fur coats and shit, I just feel like I'm trying too hard. Andrew, imagine Bill Burr.

And then I also feel you attract the wrong type of people. I would pay money for the day, Andrew. Imagine Bill Burr in platforms and a fur like fucking Clyde Frazier. Yeah, I'd be in a movie. I'd be in a fucking movie. You'd be sitting in front of a mirror, ready to go down to the stand, sitting there doing that thing you do when you look at yourself in the mirror. Dude, I'm fucking killing it.

Oh, you look ridiculous. ridiculous no i'm telling you no it's to each to each is uh his own my wife always tells me you got to step it up and block like last night we went out to uh uh this thing uh this guy had a new new clothing line thing my wife's into fashion so i I went down there and, you know, I dressed up and everything. And somebody bought me a coat that was just too flashy for me. And I was like, all right, it's a fashion thing. So I'll go down to this thing. This is what I learned about fashion. It's when you go down there, there's going to be people wearing some weird shit. Because, you know, it's like, you know, people go to a comedy show.

They're going to want to try to be funnier than the comic. People go to a fashion show, you know, there's certain people that they're dressed a certain way because they're also designers and stuff. And they just seem to like fashion. And there was some pretty wild shit there, but like people, everybody there was pulling it off, but there was a couple of people there that it's just like too much. No, it was just like, you're at,

you're not good at this. And what you're doing is you're just grabbing a bunch of weird shit that no one would put together. And then you're trying to fucking carry it. So that was kind of fun watching that, you know, just like being in a comedy club, being like, all right, that guy's funny. That guy's going to get funny or this person's this or that or whatever and this person's just not funny this person couldn't fucking find funny even at fashion you have that you're like wow this person's got their own style

this person's being more conservative but blah blah blah blah and it's like that person just fashion like dude i'm talking like, it's just ridiculous shit that you would never put together. Which I did see people doing. It worked. Because I started making fun of a few people. My wife's like, you really gonna do that thing? I said, no. You see that guy over there with the fucking hat on with the red stripe on it?

I go, that guy's crushing it. I would never be able to put something like that. That guy is fucking killing it. But that dude over there, guy on like, he had like on like, you know, tight workout pants with baggy shorts over the top and really colorful

sneakers on. And then like this Linus hoodie. That was all baggy and shit. And then like a fucking, yeah. Some bag that was like furry and polka dot, like a Dalmatian. It's just like, all right, you're just grabbing a bunch of weird shit that doesn't match. But that guy over there.

Yeah. Yeah. He's killing it. So I actually, I ended up having, ended up having a good time. And the store was fucking wild. And it all, because it was was just they just were showing their line but then they had all these other clothes and stuff and then dude they had this fucking flask the biggest fucking flask i'd ever seen it was like it's like it was like this fucking big

and i was like this could get you through a whole game you can never get up they were like a whole game that's a lot of alcohol i was like i don't think so they had like a this hammer in there get someone to like hand carved and then the top they had done all that that etching on it and everything then a buddy of mine just bought a house i was thinking like oh get me am i nuts here am i getting caught up in this thing is this fucking a cool kind of you you know, you got a house, you got this really cool, like, tack hammer or something like that. How much is this thing? Dude, the price of it was fucking ridiculous.

I was like, what? Wow. This is stupid. And then I left. That's my fashion story, Paul. You had that. The hammer was eight grand. Fuck that.

Fuck that. You had that jacket. eight grand. Fuck that. Fuck that. You had that jacket. Eight grand. I mean, why don't I just pay his mortgage for fucking four months? You had that leather jacket one time you were wearing. That fucking leather jacket was so dope. It was like super thin and black. You know what I'm talking about?

I was like, and what? I still have it. I got to fix it. But I got that dude. That thing is dope, man. And it's not too flashy. It's just, but you know what? I got that thing for like 200 bucks. Yeah. No, no bucks. I got it on eighth Avenue. Okay. Am I delayed? Are we talking over each other? What's going on here?

I think, I think there might've been a little delay because it was freezing but um dude real quick you know who knows fashion really good eighth street sorry eighth street down the village where they used to have all the fucking all the coats that's all gone now and you could go in there and they had all like the fucking timberlands and all the leather jackets and all that and i i bought like all the years i lived in new york i went through three leather coats yeah you know um and that's the one that survived um this dude is really good at fashion uh jb smooth jb smooth always is like courtside at the knicks and he's just always wearing a nice suit but for some reason he's got the hat. He's kind of got the big hat, but it matches the suit. Perfect. And the tie and just with his glasses and the way he pulls it off.

Like it's fucking amazing, dude. Even if I didn't know who JB smooth was the second I hear his name, I'm like, yeah, of course that guy, that guy can pull off a hat. Dude, he crushes it with the hat and the suit and the glasses and the big smile at the next game and the way oh dude it's the best man it's the best monster monster comic dude there were stories about jb so this is before he rode for snl this is way before curb your enthusiasm way before he got snl he used to crush dude he crushed so hard at clubs in the

bronx an ambulance had to come for a woman. Couldn't catch her breath. And they said he was killing so hard. Motherfuckers were running out of the rain. Yeah. He's to run out of the club. He was J.B. Smooth. And just his delivery was just so fucking funny and different. And he's such like a unique guy, man. But he's when he got you could tell when he started to really make it he went to the fashion side he's like fuck it man i'm here now and i'm gonna fucking wear it and he pulls it off he pulls it off dude i love it i love it man yeah my wife said you know at some point she's gonna do that for me i don't know dude what's better than a fucking gray t-shirt you bought at Target?

Yeah, I mean, listen, I love... I mean, who gives a shit what you get on it? If you fuck it up, you can go get another one. Dude, you wear nice clothes, you're just aware. You get in a cab, you're like... Anytime I would do Letterman back in the day, I hated going out after. I was like, can I get out of this fucking suit i spent all this money on it just get back into some comfortable clothes and lean on something yeah yeah you're worried about the shoes getting scuffed you're worried about the shirt getting wrinkled you're uncomfortable

i'm about a blue beautiful player of purple fucking shoes at tom ford purple huh taking a risk there and i had a gray suit with this purple tie dude fucking crushed it and i was walking upstairs i had scuffed on something i got a fucking mark right in the leather like right on top with the toe is it just fucking i'm just like it's the worst yeah dude and if my dad had a pair of 12001,200 crocodile shoes. And I was just like, dad, what? And like, and he only cared about like, he was just like, it's fucking crocodile. You know, I don't understand. There's like a zillion fucking alligators and shit.

Why is that shit so expensive? It's like avocados. Why are those fucking things so expensive? Got a fucking avocado tree in my backyard. I get, I guess guacamole, that's extra on the East Coast. Why is it extra out here? Dude, your lemons. Your lemons are on another fucking.

Dude, lemons are underrated and incredible. And the ones you got, actually, I'm not even trying to be funny. It blew my mind. Your lemon blew my mind. I was right off the tree. I made you a drink. That was when you and Stace were out there. I was making you guys drinks and i was putting the lemon in it anytime we hang and drink i don't want to go to dinner i don't want to leave you know like you know the pre-game the pre-game everyone's like no we'll have a couple here and then we'll

go and then once you're on your second one there it it's like, I don't. Dude, underrated. Not going to the game. Not going to the game. Just going to the tailgate. 100%. I'm doing that this year for the Rose Bowl. We're not going to the game. I'm not going in because every year I always get bummed out when the tailgate's over. I go into the game.

I enjoy the game. But the tailgate, you know, it's just the fucking best eating and fucking drinking and smoking just having a fucking great time i love it i love throwing the football my favorite thing at the tailgate is smoking a cigar throwing a football around oh it's the it's the greatest one-handed rose bowl you're right on the golf course it's the best yeah me and joey i'll go the years when it's when it it's a playoff game, I'll, I'll go into the game. All right. Well, listen, I think we got to wrap it up here. I got a, I got a bunch of crap.

I got to go do so. Well guys, this has been episode 42. We want to thank everybody for listening to the anything better podcast. Thank you guys so much. Continue to rate and review and get the show anywhere you can get the show. Spotify, iTunes, where you get your podcast, check out the Monday morning podcast, check out the Verzi effect, my YouTube channel guys, Thanksgiving weekend, the 26th and 27th of November. I will be at Vinnie brand stress

factory in beautiful, gorgeous Bridgeport, Connecticut. Come out there two shows Friday, two shows Saturday. So I hope to see you guys there thanksgiving weekend and it might be my last weekend of the year and which i'm thrilled about so i'll have a little mustard on a fastball i always have mustard on a fastball but i'll i'll be psyched that that's the end of the year come out to that show rate and review the show and um that's uh pretty much it go see go see uh Bill on tour. And we're going to be back. I got Vegas this weekend. I got in December, I got Indianapolis and Phoenix, Arizona. I believe those are the two I got.

So that's it, everybody. Enjoy your week. And we will talk to you next week on the Anything Better podcast. Thank you.