Anything Better? - Billionaires

Episode Date: November 13, 2021

Is there Anything Better than Bill & Paul arguing about what holiday is the best? Limited EditionEdition Merch ➡ ANYTHING BETTER MERCH SHOP Mizzen + Main:  promo code BETTER, you’ll receive $35 off any regular price order of $125 or more Paint Your Life:  20% Off and FREE shipping.  text 'BETTER' to 64-000

what's up everybody and welcome back to the best podcast on planet earth to see anything better podcast with paul bursey bill burr greek freak andrew semlas producing out there in Beverly Hills. And you guys are listening to episode number quattro uno. Is that right? No. I don't know how to say 41. I can say it in French, I think. You guys are listening to episode number 41. And I don't know who is 41 in sports.

Oh, you're going to be surprised. All right. Dirk Nowitzki. Should have known that one. Tom Seaver. Wes Unseld. Jerry Royce from the Dodgers. Glenn Rice.

Eddie Matthews. Glenn Rice. Cal Hubbard. I don't know him. And then we got a hockey player here. Yaroslav Halak. Sounds like a goaltender to me. I feel like

the next four numbers are just going to be weird. Dude, number 42 is Ronnie Lott. What are you talking about? Oh, wait a minute. Mariano Rivera and Jackie Robinson. Never mind. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Jesus, Paul.

Yeah, I feel like the next few numbers are going to be like two of the most iconic. Yeah, one that's retired in all of baseball. Well, Bill, we were talking about something earlier. I want to jump into this okay in this episode why because i i touched on it i want to do a joke on it i don't know how why do americans i don't know if it's americans why do people hate billionaires is it because okay is it because they just i guess this is what I'm thinking is since people are stupid, they're just seeing the billionaire as a billionaire. They're just seeing

Jeff Bezos as the guy who's got a fucking trillion dollars and does Amazon. They're not seeing that that guy started, dropped out of school, worked for mcdonald's and then started amazon out of his garage they're not seeing that now they're hating him about jumping in his rocket going into space hanging out we're also kind of hating him because he makes his truck drivers drive like 20 hours a fucking night doesn't he i mean is that walmart i'm sure yeah no they said he treats his like workers like shit, but then it's like, you know, you can't do that though, Paul, you can't do that. You're already going to get shit. Dude, look at, look at what's this face. Look at Dave Portnoy. Yeah.

From Barstool. They're always like coming at this guy. Yeah. And like, I don't know, watching that whole story. Right. Like, look, obviously, I don't know what happened, but like like i know that news doesn't care all they care about is sensationalism and eyeballs and banner ads and what was claimed against him was going to get him a bunch of eyeballs but what he said back that he was getting warned by all his ex-girlfriends and all that. I mean, that's like a blockbuster thing. Like, that's crazy. Wow. First of all, your ex-girlfriends are warning you. That's that his, his side of the story showing that he's a good guy. Why doesn't that get the same amount of coverage? Why do they just say, Oh,

he just denied it because they don't want to get in trouble because that's the wrong side of the narrative of those stories. And like, I don't know, just watching like this whole thing where it's like, he should have the right to defend himself as much as the people should have the right to accuse him of something. And I'm just not seeing a balance in that story. And considering they've already tried to take this guy out so many friggin do you see the time when they try to make it seem like he was a bad boss and that is uh

dude it was classic classic like bias in the media where it was like they said he only had he had one woman ceo and she was a ceo and name only And then she came back at that liberal guy going in name only, I've built this company by 65% and went off on the guy. So the other guy was actually being like sexist. So why didn't the spotlight go on him? And the irony, the Shakespearean flip there of, wait, you're saying this guy's sexist. Turns out you're sexist.

He just slithered back into the grass and nothing happened i'm telling you dude like the the bunch of out there dude like when uh what's her face uh uh caitlyn jenner said there was no that what that chappelle special wasn't that big a deal what that Chappelle special wasn't that big a deal. They described her as the credit they gave her was former Republican governor for California like that. So they had, they're like trying to shape your, your opinion. It's like, that's her biggest credit.

Yeah, no, it's, it's one thing I've learned, dude. I started to see it early as a kid with like america they say america loves an underdog but then once that underdog becomes the fucking favorite once once that underdog achieves a certain thing there's like this fascination with their the crumbling and the fucking fall from grace that we have. It's unbelievable, man. My thing is, is if you're going to try to destroy somebody, they should have the right to defend themselves, and it should get equal coverage.

And if some people are saying, hey, this horrific stuff happened, and then the person that's saying it said it didn't, and then suggest that this is actually something else like that, you know, that this was a hit piece that should get equal coverage. And then, then you can decide or, or, or like, I don't know. I just, that's a really kind of a, it ruins people's fucking lives, man. It ruins it is if you're going to go out and you're going to, listen, if somebody did something, then yeah, by all means, you know,

they should be taken out. But like the fact that now you don't even have the right to like defend yourself. And even me just saying this all of a sudden, they'll say that, you know, it's a rant or something like that. And everybody's supposed to just keep quiet. It's, you know know it's really just setting up because here's the thing paul everything like there's a hurricane right and a

bunch of people get displaced we want to raise money who is against that nobody but there's always going to be those people that come in and use that as an opportunity to act like they're helping them out to line their own pockets. Okay. So with all of this, this horrible stuff that men have done to women who doesn't want to stop that, but you also have to understand the world we live in that that's also opens the door for people to then use that in an underhanded way. And I, I, you know, I really just believe that, that, you know, like I'm saying, like I wasn't there, I don't know what the fuck happened, but like, I'm just noticing the way that covering this is, is like, it's sort of like this trend

that you only can cover one side of like certain stories is that they're going after these people trying to destroy their lives. Now, Paul, I wouldn't want that to happen to me. I wouldn't even want that to happen to the people that are doing it. That's not what this country is supposed to be about there. I put my flag down. No, I, I, I agree. And I agree with what you said before too. It's like, nobody, nobody doesn't want a piece of shit to not go to jail. doesn't want somebody that that is it treats people like that assaults people nobody nobody doesn't want those people to be fucked up but this idea that you could just put it out there and say it and fucking crumble somebody's fucking

whole life and career and the way people just run with it someone gets accused and then somebody just someone always writes and i'm surprised why it's like you don't even know this guy you weren't there yeah and those comedy bloggers those fucking comedy bloggers that called the stand oh it's like a fucking white nationalist club like because like what because a comic that does something or says something works there oh it's a safe haven for these and it's like no it's a fucking comedy club like and to do that now let's say you read a paper and it says that somebody's going to be reserved to go into a fucking comedy club it's fucking on you know what's funny paul the amount of comedy clubs

that would not work me in new york city when i started out like stop having a temper tantrum, figure out how to get in there. Or maybe there's another road for you to go get into this business too. There was a lot of comics that I saw that had difficulty getting into, um, the, uh, the clubs in New York. And, you know, some people quit and got bitter. Other people took different roads. I know a guy started writing kids' books. He got like three or four of those published. And now he works on one of the big talk shows as a writer. That was his way in. You know, it's just like, I mean, doors are going to slam in front of your face before they open up.

Way more are going to shut in your lifetime than are going to open and i don't think that you then have to just sit there and because they're not working you that there's this giant conspiracy right okay it's also like cannibalistic like why is why would you as a comedian go out there and try to like hurt the business of a comedy club because they're not booking you don't you have any friends that are in there? Don't you at least care about your friends? It's a really, um, this whole trial by internet thing and the way people are just, um, I don't know. I have been shocked at the behavior of,

you know, just watching comedians taking out other comedians in situations where they weren't even there. And how about this? You're not even there. You don't know anything one way or another, and you're going to try to tip the scales into taking this person. Look, listen, dude, and I understand, you know, if there's like, you know, like a Cosby thing where there's just like decades and decades and all of these different women and blah, blah, I understand that. But I'm talking about like a, he said, she said thing or, uh, um, you know, no, and he's fucking comedians or whatever, whatever these fucking things. It's just like, wow, man, you're going, you weren't there and you don't know anybody involved here. And you're just, you're going to go that hard. It's like, it's, um,

I don't know. It makes me wonder what's behind it. Yeah. It's like, are you like, cause what, what could you base that level of knowing? Cause on all of these things, it's like, the only people that really know what happened is like the people that were there. And if you weren't there to go that fucking hard, there's got to be something else at play there. Right. Well, you know, Bobby Kelly said something that, that I, I really, he said like, come, come in.

We should be like in the mob. You know, you keep your mouth shut about each other, you know, and I don't want to talk bad about some of my peers here, but there are some podcasts that I can't believe these guys are going to sit around and talk about a fucking scandal that a comedian is going through. And you're a fucking comedian. And it's like, have a little fuck. That guy's got a family. Have a little fucking respect. You don't know what happened. And the idea that they can call my thing, if you don't know what. Listen, if you know, without a doubt, and someone's a dirtbag, then, you know, all fucking rules are off. But like, if you have no idea one way or another, you know, you're just going to start at that point to me, if you become TMZ, you know, we even probably has it right. More than some of these fucking guys. Well, what they'll do is they'll just sit down and go.

So like, what do you think about that? Like, what do you think about that? Oh yeah. No. So let's go around. What do you think about that? And it's like, what do you think about that? Like, what do you think about that? Oh yeah. No. So let's go around. What do you think about that? And it's like, what do I think about it? I think he does what I do and he's got a family and I don't know the fucking facts. So how about we talk about something else? Yeah. And here's the deal, dude. Some of those people that I saw weigh in on those things as hard as they did with no knowledge, if they got accused of something, I wouldn't fucking say anything. Cause I don't know you. And I wasn't there. I just love that.

And I'm surprised why. Just the level of ego of that. Yeah. You know what I mean? I'm sitting back. I don't need to know anybody involved. I could have told you that was going to do when the dude I called it. Yeah.

I saw. I don't want to mention names, but I saw somebody go down or not go down, but lose their job. And I was like, somebody went on and goes, yeah, you really pinned his ass to the wall. Good. That was great. And it was like, it was so ridiculous and it was so not called for me. It's sort of the modern day Roman Coliseum where they just want to see people get thrown to the lions. You really got to ask yourself why though, if you weren't there, like, listen, I want to see justice. If just, you know,

if, if the person did something, I'm not saying that, but my thing about to just fucking hear an accusation, one person, and then just throw somebody to the lions. You know, that makes me think like, well, this person is, uh, you know, I don't know. And there's a lot of pieces of shit that are broke that nobody knows that did shit. It's funny how they go after, when you get to a certain place, they go, how many guys are sitting back? Like, fuck dude, I don't want to get a deal. I don't want to fucking get here because that makes you think like there's a lot of guys because it's almost like they wait. And the fact that people were calling up David for about David Portnoy going, Hey, did you ever

feel a certain, almost like egging them on or like trying to get something out of them is really fucking gross, man. Really leading the witness or something. I don't think you can do that. And it's a pandemic and people's money is, is fucked up. I mean, there's so many variables involved in that. And, uh, like I said, I just want, I, you want the right outcome. If somebody did something, you want them to be punished. If they didn't, they shouldn't be punished. And like I, this whole fucking, yeah, it's like the mob going up to get frankenstein every fucking week now i'll be honest every fucking week i'll be honest with you i love a billionaire i like a billionaire that's who i want to fuck i like millionaires and billionaires that's it just straight across the board not you don't care how they got it

no you don't care how they got it listen if there's a drug kingpin who was killing i'm not talking i'm talking about somebody that worked their way up and is now sitting on a fucking yacht in fucking you know on the coast somewhere because they fucking did it and the guy's just crushing life i fucking love that guy i want to go to a casino i don't i don't begrudge somebody's success that's that's a bad look it's a bad look rich did you see that thing they said about that tesla dude they said this guy has enough money to feed the world and he goes okay give me a plan and then they shut up no they said yeah no they said if elon musk gave like six billion dollars

or something he could feed the world. And he goes, all right, I'm going to give you the check for $6 billion, but just lay out in detail what you're going to do and then nothing. Do you realize how much money it would cost to make sure that that money wasn't stolen before it got to the hungry people? Oh, my God. Yeah, they demonize these rich guys. And, you know, i don't know they just like there's only one way to get rich is that you're a complete fucking piece of shit and it's just like i mean

that's not true but i i think it's well yet again it just makes somebody feel better so i don't i wouldn't like myself dude i would not like myself if it made me feel better just to see somebody get taken out regardless of innocence or guilt, just because I didn't like where my life was at. And like, that was my, my entertainment. Cause the reality is Paul and all these cases, I hope somebody is innocent because I wouldn't want what they're being accused of to be done to somebody. Right. You know what I mean? Yeah, no, I get it. Yeah. It's a, it's a crazy fucking thing.

So I'm sure what we just said will be fucking taken out of context, but I don't give a shit dude, because what are you going to do? But I mean, I do give a shit, but no, it's not, it's not, it shouldn't be taken out of context. We basically said the pieces of shit should be away, but you got to fucking, you got, you got to really find out facts and find out what's going on before you open your mouth. And you shouldn't have a fucking parade on somebody's fucking crumbling and somebody's fall from grace, you know?

And it's a projection. It's a projection of people that aren't motivated. You know, dude, I remember the resentment that I got in the comedy community. Oh, we're letting it all hang out now, Bill. I remember these, the resentment that I got in the comedy community when I was, uh, uh, I was a young man in my, no, I was in my late twenties, my early twenties and stuff. And I got married and I had kids and I saw comedians treat me different. I always say, I remember this one comedian come up and go, Hey, what do you got? Like six kids now. And I was like, no, still two, just two.

But you don't have, you want what I have. You want what I have. Don't fuck. Don't do this. Don't do it. That's hilarious. What do you got? Like six kids now? Yeah. Cause I was like 30, like, like, like, like Sophia was just born. Sophia was just born. So I had my son and my daughter hey versi what do you got like six kids now and it was like no no you live in a studio in fucking new york city and i fucking have you go home to nothing go home to nothing you fucking nobody don't yeah maybe you wish you had six kids you have no kids you fucking loser oh okay you know

what i mean and and i and i felt that i felt there's nothing wrong with having no kids you fucking loser oh i don't care you know what i mean and and i and i felt that i thought there's nothing wrong with having no kids but don't fucking that i have passive aggressive shit well i mean that's something for the listeners dude you can know that way as you work your way up people people are gonna get weird paul yeah they're gonna get weird i told you some stories this week about a guy got a little fucking weird with me people just get fucking weird you told me you told me dude i gotta be honest with you man not to fuck it not to pat you on the back too much but dude everything you've said to me in this business has like oddly just happened in in the in whether it takes years or

months it's happened and like you said to me one time, I remember after the special, you go, yeah, dude, there's going to be an adjustment. There's going to be an adjustment for you. Cause more people are going to know you, you kind of leveled up and I'm going like, what's he talking about, dude? And the special came out and I got more notoriety and I just fucking, it was like a weird thing. And I remember being like, dude, am I like, you know, and you were right about it, but it is, you know what it comes down to bill? It's a projection. Everything is a projection of where people are in their fucking lives. That's really what it is. A lot of times, a lot of times, but I'm not saying, I'm not saying that everything like that broad brush shit is what people have to stop doing. Like sometimes,

you know, sometimes it is what they're saying it is. Sometimes it isn't. And all I'm saying is that both sides deserve equal coverage because the court of public opinion is like you just let the prosecution talk and it's over. And it's just like I wouldn't want that done to me. I don't want that done to anybody. So what I'm really pleading for here is for people to be a little more rational and do, this is not a fucking rational time with, um, you know, just like, first of all, for how long women weren't allowed to come forward or if they came forward, nobody did anything. So that was,

you know, it was a horrible fucking thing that happened. What's the penalty for liars, Will? Huh? What's the penalty for liars? What's the penalty if you do accuse somebody and it didn't happen? Because you know what? I don't find anything happening to those people. I find that person getting-

Well, I told you that guy ended up saying something sexist. Dude, I had somebody who brands themselves a uh a fucking liberal bleeding heart liberal it's a long story but came in and was just you know fucking asking me all these goddamn questions like a jerk off and at one point they pointed to my father-in-law goes who's this is this your sober buddy and i thought about it afterwards i'm like why did you know it to my father-in-law goes, who's this? Is this your sober buddy? And I thought about it afterwards. I'm like, well, why did you know it's my father-in-law? Why did you think that? Well, cause he's black. So you thought immediately had a substance abuse problem. Yeah.

Which is to me like, I mean, so many of these people, these white people that call themselves liberal, they're so, they labeled themselves woke they labeled like their credits were given to them by themselves so um i really wish i had what a presence the presence of mind in that moment well i just wanted to get away from the person like they were just like they just had this really negative energy i just kind of yeah yeah yeah and i just walked away then afterwards i thought about i was like sober buddy what the fuck did that mean what the fuck yeah what the fuck does that mean yeah what does that mean what do you and this is a person that is constantly

taking people to task about their own fucking behavior so oh paul that's what it is see you know what i was trying to enjoy my fucking tea okay i'm a little under the weather it's my birthday sorry here's the thing here's the fucking thing man these fucking these fucking thing dude paul i gotta take you to task i gotta take you to task about something all right let me just put the index finger down let me just get this point put the finger down so i'll point you i'll point at your square no um uh i i think that a lot of people like they were saying like that people that point shit out and call shit out actually have their skeletons in the closet like i heard somebody that was talking something about dave chappelle special and dave chappelle being this and phobic this and all that

and then they looked at one of those persons twitter and they were saying the most horrible racist shit using words against asians the worst words against anything like using the worst slurs against all of these groups that person was doing it yet they were the first person out there with a fucking sign and a pitchfork yelling at somebody about their comedy special so i think there's truth to what you said i think that people that have their shit like to i don't think it's always like that like you know that thing i always thought it was funny that if somebody has a loud car or a loud motorcycle they say it's because they got a little dick the joke i used to do is like if i had a little dick i

wouldn't be attracting all this attention because i know how this show's gonna end yeah what if he's got a fucking high everybody look at me down i'd fucking pull up on a scooter yeah if you yeah if you got a big dick i would have no if i had a fucking little teeny weenie i'd have no false advertising whatsoever i would pull up i would walk there how'd you get here on foot all right what's your axe to grind with me let's go let's let's well you know what my i'll tell you what myging, I didn't think I needed to plug it in because I had full charge. I'm going to have to plug in my laptop. Okay. It's Midsom and Maine, everybody. Uh, you know, personalized story, Paul,

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dude, you're out of your mind. That place is never coming back. I was like, I heard them say that about Pittsburgh during my standup career. Pittsburgh's beautiful. Now Cleveland, Cleveland, fucking Ohio came back. And I was looking at Detroit and all of them, they were like, they were like staggered where they were. They were fucking coming back. And now you know what, Paul, Four or five years later, I'm back down here. They're building all these glass towers downtown. I'm sitting in this beautiful fucking hotel. I open my window across the way. There's a bunch of white people sitting in lofts.

They don't even have curtains. I'm watching their whole life like I'm in fucking rear window. So, okay, so I was wrong. Is that what you're saying? You were dead wrong about Detroit. I will. First of all, I never said it. I don't, I first of all, I don't remember the conversation exactly, but I remember you being real. Then why are you going to defend yourself? You can't even remember it. I don't remember it, but I don't think I said that. That's what you're going to say. No, no, no. I remember you going, dude, real estate here. And I've just remember me being hesitant going like dude i don't know about that because you were really gung-ho about it but

listen i love the people detroit i hope it comes back i'm not trying to i'm not i'm not trying to say just say it paul you your real estate advice two thumbs down two freckled thumbs down you know me dude i want to be in the woods away from everybody. I'm telling you, dude, when I turn... What does that mean? So you would tell me Manhattan's a bad investment? No, but I don't want to be there. Ah, yeah.

Yeah, I hate to say that. You're a homer, Paul. I hate to say that, but somebody said to me, you know, you don't like LA? And I was like, I, somebody said to me, you know, you don't like LA. And I was like, I was like, I don't want to live in New York or LA. I want to be in the country somewhere. Like, I don't want to be in New York city.

Hang on a second. I got to make sure I'm plugging this fucking thing in here. So it doesn't go out on me here. Paul, I'm going to be leisure style here. What a beautiful hotel. And this place that paul versi said that place is never coming back they're done you talked about detroit the way you talked about kansas city not kansas city the kansas city chiefs no i'm on my bed. I'm feeling fucking comfortable. I'm going to talk some shit. Dude, this is laying down as a weird. Now, what am I supposed to do? Fucking hotels. They don't have any goddamn plugs anymore.

I can try to sit up in bed like some old guy about ready to get his soup. Is this better? This is better. No, I never. But listen, I never said Detroit was a fucking shithole.ole i never i just said i didn't think i thought you were a little gung-ho you were like you're out of your mind this place looks like a zombie town and i'm like paul it's gonna come back i saw pittsburgh i saw cleveland i saw it's really on me i should have listened to me um paul you see a fucking split entry in sydney ohio you're ready to fucking move there a nordstrom we were in a north macy's they got a tc fucking yogurt whatever the fucking things are called

i could live here i could live here man i love this shit um detroit people are fucking fantastic especially your boy there who i talked to recently the detroit yeah mike but dude detroit people everybody i know from detroit is just so fucking like blue collar and fucking chill and um but what's weird is it's so different from uh ohio and pa and ohio are so different you notice that how pa and ohio are right there right there but they're so different like pennsylvania yeah all right you freaked me out that you went named the state and then went abbreviations paul my brain isn't that fast. Oh yeah. You know, Ohio and PA. I'm like Pennsylvania. That's yeah. Hey Paul, I got, I got one for you. I was, I was coming back from San Jose,

California. Right. And you know, Southwest flights have been fucked up. I wanted to get home and see my kids. So I was like, fuck it. Let's just drive home. And it went great. Cause my daughter went to bed and I wasn't home. When I woke up, she came in to say, you know, hi to, you know, her mom. And she came walking and it was like, Santa Claus was laying there in the bed. She was just like freaked out, jumped in the bed. It was awesome. So anyway, we were driving home. We got to Bakersfield and Club Soda Kenny goes, he goes, hey, this is where the Onionfield murders were. Onionfield killing was.

And I was like, what the hell is that and he told me this this really crazy story about how uh there was these two undercover cops and they pulled over these two guys they look they look shady or whatever they pulled them over and uh they both had guns under the seat this guy had this move. What he would do is he would kick the gun off him under the seat with his heel, and when he went to get out of the car, you could see his hands, but he would back out of the car, do this slick little move where he backed out of the car, and he fucking grabbed the gun off the floor

and pointed it at the undercover, had it in his back, and then he said to the other undercover, give me a gun or I'm going to kill this guy. Oh, the cop with the gun in his back goes, dude, he's, he's got a gun in my back. Give him the gun or something like that. The cop didn't know what to do. And he freaked out and he gave him the gun. So then the two guys kidnapped him, put them in the car. They drove them up to Bakersfield, out to this onion field. And one of them thought the little Lindbergh laws, which was Charles Lindbergh's son got kidnapped and killed. He thought he was automatically going to get the death penalty just for kidnapping.

But the reality was, is he had the law wrong. He had to like do something like ask for money or something like that. So he just gets out of the car and he goes, you hear the Lindbergh act? Cause he told him he was going to let him go. And the cop goes, yeah. And he just shot the guy right in the head. And the other cop freaked out and started taking off and his club. So to Kenny, he always says how difficult it is to hit a moving target. He was zigzagging. They didn't get him. He ran through the fields, found a farmhouse,house long story short they ended up catching the guys and um but that other cop because he gave up his gun was ostracized by the other police officers and treated like a coward and all of that and uh it totally fucked him up he started shoplifting because he wanted to go to jail and be punished and

shit. Just really ruined the guy's fucking life. It was an incredible story. So there's a movie they made about it with James Woods, Ted Danson, when Ted Danson's first thing, it's on the Criterion channel.

My only beef with the movie you know aside from i tried to watch it with my wife and it was just you know it was bad because every black character is playing like a fucking drug addict alcoholic or a prostitute you know how hollywood has been forever so she's like i'm not watching this shit uh but i sat down and my my thing was when i watched it was it happened in 1963 is what a car nerd i am they were panning the opening shot as they're panning clearly show a 65 impala i'm like this shit happened in 1963 what kind of hookup did that guy have that he gets to 65 impala in march of 1963 oh no wait wait i'm wrong

because that's later on and the the the the fucking trial kept dragging out because these fucking asshole guys who did it kept appealing it so they wouldn't be on and then they got rid of the death penalty and one of them got actually paroled it was a fucking joke that's why they had the 65 in palo i was like how the fuck did they miss that sorry anyways check it out it's called the onion field killing on the criteria chain dude i was just watching uh i was thinking about you too because i was watching narcos mexico because i just you know me and uh there was i couldn't watch that one because the guy's gonna get tortured to death yeah and the el paso it was funny because when me

and you drove from san antonio to el paso i go dude we're gonna have something in the car and you're like what and i was like dude we should have something in the car he go paul we're gonna have something in the car and you're like what and i was like dude we should have something in the car he go paul we're gonna be going 80 miles an hour uh but dude yeah some yeah paul thought illegal aliens were gonna cross mexican illegal aliens were gonna cross the border and their big move was to get all the way i don't know how many hundreds of miles north up to the 10 west and to jump onto moving cars at 80 miles an hour uh anything worse than being sick on your birthday i did think of something worse i'm sure there is something worse than being being yeah no well you've brought up the border

just seeing these fucking guys they get paid to bring these kids up and they don't even do it they just take kids and they just drop them over the wall they probably break their fucking legs and they just leave them there it's just like what fucking world do we live in man fucking world are we living in anyways with that whole fucking yeah that happiness yeah no it's like it's uh everything is just like dude cnn had a thing where this guy any of those channels no it was i didn't watch it it was on the fucking twitter. And it just said some guy had to flee a blazing fire because the cops were coming and he left his 19 month old in the fire.

And the guy just fucking ran because the fucking feds came. And I was just like, and I'm just scrolling through and I'm going, I'm going like, going like what, what, why? Look, what's going on? Like what's going on? No, my thing is why do I need to know that? The horror of that. That's like when my wife, you know, that SNL sketch sketch of how women like watching those murder shows late at night. My wife,

my beautiful wife sits there and she watches those things. Dude, I go to bed. i have fucked up dreams it's you know why you know why it's so popular it's i thought about it it's because it's it's fascinating because it's out there for real that's what it is you walk in the mall and you go buy a pair of kicks in the mall you're probably walking past somebody that either is gonna or has killed somebody or knows somebody who knows somebody that killed somebody that either is gonna or has killed somebody or knows somebody who knows somebody that killed somebody that's what's fucking fascinating about it so when you read those stories you know possibility paul that's not that many murderers no but all right let's

look for andrew look that up what percentage of people in a mall have murdered someone. You've been in a movie theater packed with a guy that's killed somebody. I have absolutely been in New York City. I have absolutely got into a cab where a murderer got out or 100% on the subway. 100% on the subway. Yeah. Yeah, there's been. Andrew, how many murders per year in the United States? And this is the guys that don't...

These are the guys that get caught. These are the guys that get caught. Well, you're saying how many murders. Hey, there's a lot of unsolved mysteries out there, okay? You're not saying how many murderers. You're saying how many murders. Yeah, yeah. So if you said how many murderers, you'd be like, these are just the guys that got caught. But if you're saying how many murders. Yeah. If you said how many murderers you'd be like,

these are just the guys that got caught. But if you're saying how many murders that's, that's a number, they got that one down. Right. But I would imagine it'd be doubled in real life. Like with the people that didn't get caught. You think there's twice as many people dead that people don't realize. I mean, there's people that are missing.

Dude. This is a dark podcast, man. that are missing dude this is a dark podcast man what no dude this is your birthday 10 years ago you and me fucking went worked at the carnegie hall yes yep and this is the i was gonna say the last four birthdays me and you smoked a stick uh you were at my surprise party we did no we're gonna do a virtual stick today you're sick i'm sick as a dog i might have i either have dude i either have covet or strep i'm going to find out it's a fucking mess you know what am i gonna do i'm sitting out here and how would you have covet i mean i gotta go get tested for with the symptoms i have

i was on an airplane. I don't fucking know. She wore a mask, right? Yeah. Yeah, of course. And I'm vaccinated and all that, but I don't know if I caught, you know, it could be strep. It could be just a cold, but I got to go check it out.

I don't want to get anybody sick. I think you're fucked. He's fucking, I swear to God, man, it's never going to fucking end. Yeah, it is. Dude beat they beat fucking aids it's just gonna take a while and what you have to do is you just have to tune out all of these fucking idiots who have theories myself included tune this out just fucking doctors will figure it out they always have that's another thing people like oh yeah polio is the last good one it's like how about the fact that they beat fucking aids they beat it dude some of the strides that we take drugs and

it doesn't even show up in your system anymore and you can fucking have sex with somebody and they can't get it from you do magic johnson dude the guy got diagnosed in 91 look at him now he's fucking i think he comes up negative no he has for years he also had the money but now everybody can afford it well we're gonna say 21 million uh total deaths recorded and uh homicides recorded in the u.s in 2020 how many 20 what 21 000 sorry 21 000 oh 21 million i was like jesus christ i was looking there's still traffic yeah uh highest was in california 2200 texas 1900 and you know more as people yeah because that fucking state sucks no because that state goes from new y City down to Florida on the West Coast. That's what people don't understand how big this fucking state is.

If you look at this, it's actually a lot of it's by size. It's not even by population. Like a lot of the bigger sized states. So, yeah. Dude, there's been a murderer at your show. Clapping. Laughing. That had, dude, all the theaters you've done,

all of the arenas, the theaters, there's been a motherfucker laughing his ass. Got a beer before the show. Probably came up and took a picture. Took a picture, you know, and then he goes back out to get to the car, grabs a fucking rusty wrench, goes back to work. Oh man. It's a, it's really dude. People are fucking sick, man.

It's wild, dude. And, and watching those shows makes me just want to fucking hold my kids and just fucking, I mean, I get worried about that. You want not want to leave, mean, leave the fucking house. Leave the house. What are you doing for the holiday? You were saying you don't like Thanksgiving. No, we're going to do.

I don't know. Not a fucking Italian doesn't like fucking Thanksgiving. You guys don't throw down? No, me and Bobby. You're mad that it's based around Turkey? Is that too fucking Northern European for you? Me and Bobby Kelly had a screaming match about this. He puts Thanksgiving over Christmas and I just couldn't fucking handle it.

So we just went at it, but I just think Christmas is the most special. Dude, Christmas Eve is fucking. First of all, why would you try to convince Bobby Kelly that shopping is better than eating. Oh, so I got to tell you something. Wait, I want to hear your argument. Why, why is Christmas better than Thanksgiving? I mean, I'm a holiday guy, Paul. I should say Halloween Thanksgiving guy. You know what I'm a Christmas Eve guy You know what I mean Christmas Christmas Eve

I don't know And a lot of people That I talk to Like Mediterranean Like Italians Christmas Eve Is the shit Because it's like

It's the drinking It's the night before The big man comes to town I love it Christmas is a bummer Christmas Day Is kind of It's like

After Yeah it's like It's like i mean it's like the day you get married right you get fucking married and then it's the next day it's over and it's just like all right yeah no and then that awful dead awful fucking slow trudge to the end of the year it's depressing to fucking new year's christmas eve is like you have unbelievable just you know dirty sex with her everything's nuts and fun and then christmas morning it's like all right so you want to go to breakfast yeah yeah i'll call you like you know it's just but dude christmas eve dude knowing that the big man is coming to town,

knowing that the fucking reindeer are in the air, I mean, come on. Well, that. So what you're saying is the pregame to Christmas. Paul, you're a weird guy, man. You always say something. And then by the time you get to the end of it, you're not, it's not quite what you said. No, because Chris said Christmas is better.

You should have said Christmas Eve. The whole experience of Christmas. Christmas. I thought you were just agreeing with me that Christmas day is a bummer. No, no, no. The whole Christmas as a holiday is, is the best for me because of the lead-up because of the lead-up i love that holiday the best i'm not excited on thanksgiving eve

you know why because it's disrespect you're not excited thanksgiving evening is the greatest time ever if you're young to be single. You go back to your hometown. You go to the bar. All of those chicks you went to high school with, they're all thinking of the guys they should have banged. You're thinking, hey, that's one of the great fucking hookup nights there ever was. Way better than Christmas Eve. You wake up hungover.

You feel like shit. You were out late. No, you're young. You're young. You feel great. You're grasping for straws, Paul. You're single. You got no fucking kids.

You're going back. And you finally got the courage. You got your swag now. You can walk up to that woman you were afraid to walk up to when you were in fucking high school. And maybe something, the excitement to that, Paul, the hope. Waiting for Santa Claus. How about waiting for that fucking chick you've been thinking about for the last seven years to come walking in the bar. That's excitement.

Hey, listen to each his own. I like wearing an ugly sweater, holding a white Russian, enjoying the fucking Christmas movies. Enjoying a Will Ferrell sketch. I got one for you. So I'm in Houston and Stacy calls me up and Stacy says, um, Lucas kind of knew, but I confirmed to Lucas about Santa and he cried. And I go, I go, I go, what do you mean? He kind of knew she goes, he kind of knew, but like when I told him, so the first thing I said was what the fuck,

why didn't that happen when I was there? And she was like, she's like the way that it came about, which I get like, it got brought up. Now here's the funniest part. My daughter's nine. Lucas is three years older. So Lucas has had ideas for a couple of years at Santa Claus isn't real, but he's never had one of us actually go. Yeah. And that happened. So he got real upset. So then my daughter, so they told my daughter and, cause you know, a couple of years ago, Sophia says, dad,

is that real or not? And, and she goes, I need to know. She goes, I got, I got questions and stuff. And I go, listen, the spirit of Christmas is real. I try to get, and my daughter goes like this. She goes, dad, dad i'm gonna tell you something right now i swear to god it's true she goes if he's not real i'm gonna be pissed she said that she actually said that because if he's not real come clean the second my kids goes is it real or not they know and just be like no it's just something that you tell little kids and now you're a you're a big girl now you're a big boy now so yeah so when lucas got upset fucking dumb that you start believe in it it's it's it's a selfish thing it's a selfish thing that i'm telling you i think at some point it's going to end where you and then there's going

to be a big fight to keep santa alive or whatever and it's just like this whole thing It's a selfish thing that a parent does Where you just like Seeing your kid excited And you like bringing them joy And you're trying to And you amp them up so fucking high That doesn't sound like a selfish thing though What you're describing

Well because it is Because you want them to feel those feelings Before they get out and find out what the real world is like. Why can't you just level with them? I got a buddy of mine did that. He goes, we're not doing that. They send them to school with the knowledge. And then they had to kind of give into the lie because other parents were upset with them.

Is your buddy a happy person no well there you go it's like fuck that that isn't where you go that has to do with this fucking life choice it's not this stupid santa claus shit you're telling me what brings you happiness in life is telling your kid this santa claus isn't? Well, there you go. No, we hear it. Paul Verzi research. No, team, that argument over.

I think it's a nice thing to have your kids at least until they're five, six years old. Like hear the story of it and be excited. Absolutely. But the fucking, I'll tell you, but the fucking first of all, kids don't give a fuck about santa claus anymore

kids get gifts year round yeah i mean some yeah some they know in general they do paul i'll tell you this when i was a fucking kid it's just like if you were in a big family it was hand-me-downs one of my brothers just sent me one all these fucking pictures from when i was a kid dude i'm telling you there wasn't a picture where i didn't have a patch on my knee and the thing is it didn't even it was just a patch like i had like on red fucking tough skins with a big black patch over one of them i'm sitting there i got fucking those boondockers the old fucking work boots they're worn out paul worn out on the soul i remember you would get you get one pair of sneakers in september and you didn't and she my mother would buy them like a size too big or whatever

and then you would just wear those things until september the next year. That was it. Yeah. A couple pairs of pants, a couple shirts, maybe. And then it was just hand-me-downs. I remember I used to eyeball, you know, you'd eyeball your oldest sibling's clothes going, I can't wait to get that shirt. Wow. Dude, my family album, you'll see a shirt pass through the whole fucking family. Yeah. And now our kids get dude like

my son went to madison square garden so many times that when i like to surprise him after school well guess where we're going today and he'll go what i go you're out of school early we're going to madison square garden we're going to go see that and like when it happened the first now he's just like oh that's awesome like and i'm like dude he used to like melt and now it's like yeah he gets you know what it's too much dude you know what that's like that's like complimenting your wife too much you tell her you love her all the time it doesn't fucking mean anything you're buying him gifts all the time they don't give a shit you know the same way if like you know every day you fucking came home if they blew you paul dude i fucking told her she looked pretty the other day i was waiting for you

to be like well i don't think i'd ever get sick of that no no i uh have at it okay no um i i uh i say to her all the time i say to my wife like when she comes downstairs i'll be like man you look pretty man oh you look beautiful and like you know so now you know she can't say like and i don't do i sent her flowers the other day bought her flowers she was having a bad day she was upset so i went i got these flowers i brought it in and it's like it's like yeah yeah so don't say that i don't do that because i do it you know what i mean Because I do it. You know what I mean? You know what I'm saying about you, Paul?

What? You present the worst arguments. No, you're right. You're so right. Don't say I didn't do that because I did that. Your case is so strong, but your argument is so weak. but your argument is so weak. Yeah. Because Paul, that is the alley you slam dunk. Everyone in the garden comes to their feet and you, you re by the time you describe it, you reduce it to a free throw. No, man. Like she can never say that. I come home home i tell her she's beautiful i give her flowers

you know so i do that so you know don't say i don't do that after defending the spirit of christmas like oh it's the thought that counts you're like well it's almost like saying well kids can never say that you didn't tell them it was a santa claus I don't know Paul I gotta tell you this I think Thanksgiving is is disrespected all right I think Halloween has two things going for it the gay community and then women it gives them excuse to dress a little more you know you know a little more racier than they would and then kids love it so you got a three-pronged attack on people that love it and elevate it elevate i mean halloween is almost a gay holiday the way the way that they they i mean they crush it they fucking they fucking they they elevate that whole fucking holiday and

everybody else is drafting behind them and then you got christmas but then thanksgiving is this great thing where you can fucking hang out there's no pressure you don't have to buy anybody anything and then the greatest hookup night of the fucking year is the the night before a lot of great drinking happens and then after thanksgiving's over you still got a three-day fucking it's a four-day weekend it's a four-day fucking weekend paul a lot of people the day after christmas they have to go to work you get a four day fucking weekend and then you still have the excitement that your christmas your hanukkah your kwanzaa whatever is still coming yeah i mean listen i hear those points i like giving i like paying i like giving

gifts i love giving gifts i like giving gigs gifts better than i like receiving them. And that's the truth. You get me one or two nice things. I appreciate it. I love- You like shopping. I love watching people open shit that they love. Don't avoid the question. What? Do you like shopping?

No, I don't. No, I'm not a big shopper, but I like, cause I go in like a sniper. That's okay. So that's in the negative side of the ledger there. Yeah. I, I go in like a sniper, but I like to get what you want. So if, let's just say, if I knew you wanted a pair of sneakers and I got them for you and I gave them to you. Oh, I love it. You know, when I made you that, you're telling me you have no imagination. What do you mean? No, no,'t. Someone just says, I want this.

And then you go out like a sniper and buy it. With my wife, I have imagination. What you're basically is your postmates with gifts. No, and I'll tell you another thing I do. I'll tell you. Let me ask you this. Let me ask you this. Paul, I'm not going to try to convince you.

I get it. You like Christmas better. No, but. This is what fucking annoys me about my wife. My wife goes, I want that. And then if I just go out and get it for. Yeah. It's like I ran an errand.

Yeah, but you got to do that and then throw your original thing too. That's the way to do it. You get their list and then you put a little fucking, then you put a little something that you got, but you know what I don't do? I don't do it. I don't like a list. Paul, don't do Amazon. All these people fucking shop at Amazon, go to the fucking store. That's another thing I don't do. These lazy fucking people just do the Christmas shopping like this.

Well, you find me a fucking store. That still open. Where's Toys R Us? It went under. Where's Child World? It's gone. Me and Brett Ernst were talking about that. Toys R Us going under is brutal. Fucking brutal, man. Well, you guys are youngsters.

Child World was the best. There's no other world like Child World. It's a happy, happy store with miles and miles and toys for happy girls and boys and much much much much more that's fantastic that's christmas toy store toys are us the biggest selection toys are us and here's the other four they came up with their dumb mascots here's the only thing about child? They had fucking kids up on the side, not a couple of stupid fucking giraffes. What do I care about these fucking giraffes? I saw happy kids on that.

That's what I wanted to be. Yeah, Child World had the panda at the end. And they were white kids, Paul. I just realized if they were still around, they'd have to have their side be a little more inclusive. It's like what? People who don't have white kids can't shop here but bring up the child world sign if you can find one i think it was a little white boy a little white girl oh shit that was it there'd be there'd be

fucking protests outside a child they would um listen dude that's a good thing though paul they should everybody should feel like somebody said one of the saddest fucking things it's when they read about the history of this country they feel like it's not their own country and that they shouldn't they don't want people don't want them to be here can you imagine feeling like that and this is a natural born citizen in this country so i'm not against you know paul you know child world comes back i would be all for you know gotta get everybody up there paul if i read if i read that it didn't feel like i belonged i honestly wouldn't give a fuck i don't think i would be like all right i'm here though like because didn't the irish and italians go through all that shit too like they would just

look at it paul don't present that stupid white argument. No, no, I'm not. I'm not arguing a way to fucking potato famine. Remember when it was that, oh yeah, that's kind of like slavery. I can see how that exists on the lateral plane. Another thing, Bill, you got you got stuffing turkey cranberry sauce and then a couple of people put their twist on things but that's the meal every time christmas you can change it up a little bit more you know some people like to do it that's not true paul

that's not true what do you mean you have the same thing on christmas every year no first of all but first of all people have their traditions and then what it is paul is as you you know everybody brings something right so as long as you don't have the same fucking people every year and you bring something different everybody's gonna have like what what they bring i don't you have you have different people coming and we't, you have, you have different people come in and we have the same people. Every, you have different people come in and every year for Thanksgiving. Yeah. I mean, what's fucking LA man. People come in, they come out, but I do like, you know, I try to do something different every year. I mean, you had the basic Paul and what I,

and I was like, we had prime, we used to have prime rib and this year I was thinking of maybe having a goose because he was supposed to have a Christmas goose I'm like all right I'll have a fucking let's try to do a goose yeah that's something different I don't I don't want the same thing but I'll tell you this Paul if you ever had my stuffing you would drop the fork and you would put a hole in my wall and i wouldn't charge you for it because i know it's that good i do it i love stuff i actually i this stuffing usually just put it in the bird but everybody likes how the outside gets crusted and there's also never enough so i actually make a double order every year my wife is always on me you're gonna have enough stuff in there for leftovers too because she wants to have them like her favorite

thing oh dude are you kidding me Thanksgiving me and my wife start throwing down in the kitchen I tape the football games because we watch she watches the Macy day parade. And then she watched it. We watched the Westminster dog show. And for two years in a row, we called the winner. And then last year we missed it, but I called the bloodhound. And there was another one the year before that I got that one or the year after. And then maybe the last couple of years, I haven't been able to pick the winner. And that's like our little tradition. We get some fucking eggnog, little brandy, and my wife's, you know, I don't mess with that shit anymore because I can't handle it. But, dude, that night we get the fire going,

and then that's the first night the Christmas lights go on on the house, and it just begins it. And you have all of this time of the Christmas season. I'm going to take my kids skating this year. You have all of this time of the christmas season i'm gonna take my kids skating this year you have all of that fucking excitement and then dude christmas it's like the last day of summer and then you got to go back to school the next day so i like i do like christmas eve love christmas eve but like christmas eve to me is an extension of thanksgiving where it is the it's you're in the holiday season yeah all right the new year's eve is the spinoff

from like the fucking hit sitcom and then they try try to fucking, you know, it's like you had Alice. And then they tried to give Flo a show. And it didn't work. Right? Nobody gives a fuck about it. Yeah, that I can buy. I like that. That's true. New Year's Eve is like whatever.

But what I like about Christmas is the music, the songs, the lead up, the shopping. I like the anticipation of it. You get that from Thanksgiving evening on. You got the whole thing. Christmas Eve, Paul, to me, there's a sadness to it because I know it's all going to be 24 hours. It's over.

The wrapping paper is done. Now you're looking at all this shit you got to take down. Oh, my God. And then the saddest thing ever taking your fucking tree out cutting the thing up like you committed a fucking murder and like you're dragging out a dead body yeah dude i love christmas too and i love the music and all that and i love the excitement of the kids but there's a sadness to it that it's over and then the dread of another year of working and trying to keep the weight off and flat earthers telling you what the fuck to do and just oh my god fucking liberals screaming

about all in this shit it's just it's going to be another year of this. Um, what's funny is when, when, uh, my son found out there was no Santa, I went, I came home from Houston and I go, Hey buddy, you, uh, you know, you, you found out no Santa. And I go, and he goes, yeah, he goes, I'm all right. You know? And I go, all right. I go, what, and what about your sister? Did you confirm with her? And he goes, yeah, she said like, she knew two years ago and didn't care. That's like my daughter fucking years ago and didn't care. My daughter fucking, my daughter sniffed that out. Like the Sicilian that she is. She fucking was asking a question two years ago.

Lucas has that innocence where he just was like devastated. And my daughter was like, I know he all, he didn't, she had the advantage of having an oldest sibling too. Yeah, that's true. They come up quicker. Well, here's like my son son my son's hilarious right now like he wants to do everything that his big sister's doing so like he sees her walk up the stairs so he won't crawl up him anymore he grabs onto the banister and he will walk up but the funny thing is is when he first learned to do it he would put such an emphatic foot down on the first one he would lift it up and his foot would go boom

like right on it and then he like works his way up dude he's strong as hell man dude he has me going like this when he gets gets mad, when he gets upset, he throws himself back, and he just slams both his hands down onto you. I love it. Yeah, it's just like, no, I told you, he was at the park, and some kid tried to take the toy away from him, and he yanked it back, and he gave the kid a smack. I've never been.

I mean, that was one of the highlights. Yeah. That's the best. I actually had my best night as a parent. I, as far as like with my wife two nights ago, my son woke up, he was crying and we went in there and he, uh, my wife went in and he said, he's burning up. He's burning up. He's like teething or something. Or my daughter brought something home that she could fight off and he couldn't. And he was just miserable. And, uh, you know, I ended up taking him out of the sleep sack. He just had his diaper on. You put the washcloth on him, cool him off, gave him a little Tylenol. And, uh, we just stayed in the bed with them because he was so hot. Our bodies were cool to him. So he just snuggled up together with us. You know, we're like half asleep, but we were like a total team.

And like the next day I texted, my wife told her how proud I was that she was the mother of my kids and she crushed it. And she goes, you know, I was just about ready to say the same thing to you. And part of me wanted to be like, yeah, well, why didn't you? Why did I have to say it first no i'm kidding um no but it was it was like we we absolutely totally worked together nobody bitched even though it was like three in the morning and comforted him we got the fever to come down and uh you know you know it's our second kid so we weren't freaking out as much Like

You know we were able to sort of Ride the storm together It was good It's the best man and the best is like Having those kids like I was going to say At least whatever season you love Whatever holiday you love at least it's the holiday Fucking season dude

Like it is like time to be home I took December off I got a couple more shows for the year it's just a holiday fucking season dude like it is like time to be home i took december off i got a couple more shows for the year all bursey knows how to live yeah you gotta you know i text my agent right after you told me that your last gig is right before thanksgiving you're not working for us here i said i want to do that next year guess what i got back what silence he never responded that's fucking great dude these agents are trying to do what the oil companies are doing the only reason why gas right now is five six dollars a fucking gallon okay the only reason why it's five six dollars a fucking gallon right now is because they didn't

make any money last year nobody drove last year really there should be an abundance of crude oil it should be like like fucking two dollars a gallon and instead they're just doubling up and they don't give a fuck how much money the regular person lost and is anybody giving them shit paul no i'm gonna do a bit about that tonight because you remember the fucking hand sanitizer kid remember that kid he shorted the market on hand sanitizer it was one of the most brilliant fucking dude i called it moves ever he got shamed on the news he had a whole garage full of it he was selling it for like fucking eight bucks a whack on the internet they fucking trash trash him, take him out.

Right. And he had a garage full. He was fucking over a garage full of people. These people are fucking over the goddamn world. What? Let me ask you a question. The most trying times economically ever. And nobody is saying a fucking word to him because they run shit.

They run CNN. They run Fox. They run Washington, DC. Well, dude, that's what, word to them because they run shit they run cnn they run fox they run washington dc well dude that's why i'm not paying five dollars a gallon or four dollars a gallon that's why i'm gonna get an electric car because i'm not doing it we should figure it out paul listen this is what i've said from the beginning this is blue blood fucking money you got to give those people the sun and just say that we're going electric and you guys can have the sun and you can make big threats that you're going to shut the sun off and we'll act like we believe it like that'll be our santa claus and we'll just give that to you

so you can keep getting your fucking money because they're so fucking wound up on making a buck that just they they have just i love how all of these people just denied global warming greenhouse gases all of that shit climate change whatever the fuck you call it and now it's just like yeah okay it's happening but you know you know there's this and there's that and they're fucking it's like no you guys denied this for fucking they've been denying it paul since the 1950s they've known about this shit paul since the 1950s going on the better part of of almost 70 years they've had time to not get ourselves into this fucking situation where Miami is going to be under the ocean. It's unreal. Dude, I'm, I'm, I'm not going to rely on fucking gas anymore because I'm sick and tired of one

president's in the gas does this. Another president's in the gas does that. You got to fucking stop here. It has nothing to do with the president, Paul. That's, that's just their fucking distraction to get mad at colors of ties paul you know no i'm saying i'm not going to worry about the price of gas anymore when i go electric and that's what i want to do but you brought up the president because right now people are looking at gas prices and then they'll say the dumb shit joe biden's america and the bottom line is is if trump was in office the exact fucking opposite people

would be going yeah you can thank your boy Donnie Trump for that and it's like those guys dude they're like this big to a fucking oil company they call they call him up I don't give a fuck he's in the shower get him on the phone and he's got to walk

out with his little presidential towel with his fucking initials on it. 42nd president wrapped around his fucking goddamn fucking 80 year old waist. That's great. Is somebody there writing this down so you can remember it? This is what's going to happen over the next six months. That's how, that's how it happens. Dude. That just reminded me of when I stayed in Jimmy Carter's suite, I stayed in Jimmy Carter's room with my wife and that's how my daughter, how fucking hilarious is that? We were in his suite. She goes, Oh, you're staying in the white house. No,

I was staying in Jimmy Carter's suite where, uh, where he stays on, um, in Mr. Connecticut. And it was his, it was his room when he went there and dude it was presidential we went in there she was oh you know the room they gave you i was doing a gig and dude you had to walk upstairs and then go downstairs into the bathtub and this shit was fucking nuts and it was like that's why jimmy carter's the greatest president ever it was nuts so he's such a down-to-earth guy that paul verzi can stay in the room he stayed in and have himself a good night and I'm laying Jimmy Carter's the greatest is the only human being I've like 100% human being good person yeah hold on hold on I gotta finish this though I gotta I gotta finish telling you this

so my son is in a bassinet he's in a playpen at the foot of the bed sleeping he's like two and a half and Stacy and I are laying in bed and i'm in this i'm in jimmy carter's fucking like pad and uh the desk was all like fucking presidential was great and i'm laying in there like i woke up at like three in the morning i'm like like dude i gotta it's like i gotta fucking have sex with my wife in this joint right like i'm in jimmy carter's it's woke her up it's like I had to fuck, you know, we got to do something to Jimmy Carter's fucking joint. Can you please tell me something? What makes a desk presidential?

If you saw it, I think if you saw it, you would, you would know. I know. I just want to hear like what, what in the Paul Verzi brain made you look at that and be like, it was just be like it was just so it was like this like unbelievable beautiful like shiny mahogany wood with these like gold handles like the like the hand like it looked like some shit that should be in the oval office uh uh the the whole fucking room man i gotta find pictures of it but uh i was like yeah dude i gotta fuck my wife in this room.

I'm sorry. I got to, you know, what am I going to do? So was it sleek? Because I was picturing a big FDR wooden desk where you couldn't see that he was in a wheelchair. He was sitting behind it. No. They used to try to hide that. They used to try to hide that because they didn't want people to think that, you the guy you know was weak or something it wasn't sleek but it wasn't like really like

bulky it just was like really it was really nice but you could tell it was like some some 19 like it was probably like ball jimmy carter is in his 90s he's still out there swinging a hammer building homes for people that need it homeless people everybody else goes on this speech tour you know and they go out and they give speeches who do they give speeches to paul you and me no they go out to the people that gave them money to get into the off they're just washing their bribe money rather than just going hey man here's fucking two three hundred grand for fucking hooking us up over the last 48 years. They go out and they give a speech.

I used to do a bit about that in my act, and no one in the crowd's listening. They're just sitting there eating like a deep fried eagle, you know, just some endangered species. And then they just fucking give them the money. And then they all go buy a mansion on like Martha's Vineyard. You know Jimmy Carter's favorite holiday christmas labor day what labor day oh man i don't do i gotta go with bobby kelly christmas is the end of the summer

yeah i mean like the whole build here's something we make meat in the middle here i think underrated and what a lot of people don't do like halloween is halloween and then you wait and you wait and you wait and you're waiting and then then this thanksgiving and then you deal with all this stress of fucking you know christmas shopping and all that and then christmas and then it's fucking over you should be i feel like a few days before halloween you should fucking get in the festive thing like i'm coming home this week and i'm making uh i make this cream pie that everybody fucking loves and like what i'm gonna wait till thanksgiving i think that there should be some of that stuff. Another underrated thing, Thanksgiving decorations.

A lot of people don't like them. Browns and oranges and shit like that. Or mind you, leaves dying and shit like that. You got to do something, Paul, throw that fucking bale of hay right in your foyer. As you walk in, let people know the goddamn Turkey's only got a couple of days left. No, my house is filled with it right now. My house is filled with thankful pilgrims everywhere. Fuck the whole thing. My wife does everything. That's what you don't like?

Pilgrims don't look Sicilian or Greek. Does that bug you? Fucking Christopher Columbus was the first guy who fucking came over here. Where the fuck is he in these Thanksgiving directives? You don't see any Italian pilgrims? Yeah. Put some sauce in that fucking bird. I ain't getting on that thing. Let me know when you

got fiberglass. Oh! Put some fucking regort in that bird. What the fuck? You got olive oil? Put some sauce in that fucking bird. I'll fucking... Hey, not for nothing, that meat's a little dry, no? Dude, that turkey parmesan wedge was incredible for leftovers. Hey, maybe if you didn't overcook the bird,

you wouldn't need to pour all that fucking gravy on it. You can't re-moisturize meat. it's dry it's fucking dry oh potato potato give me a fucking octopus yeah no dude like i i i got into an argument with somebody in the family because i was like can we have macaroni and cheese for thanksgiving and they were like no and i was like what and i was like you could I go what do you mean you can't fucking make put macaroni and cheese as one of the sides so they said no that's not really tradition so I did it I started making it started making macaroni and cheese well that's the great thing Paul yeah it's it's you can make it what do you want my wife she she has a mac and

cheese collard greens all that. A white guy like me. I didn't know anything about that. Now I love it. So that's all part of it. We got the whole thing going on, Paul. Dude, how great white boy fucking Thanksgiving with Nia's African American shit. It's fucking amazing. Dude. Is any, is there anything? I got a cream pie. I got a sweet potato pie. Huh? We got stuffing. We got collard greens. It's just, we got a fucking amazing. Dude, is there anything better? I got a cream pie. I got a sweet potato pie. Huh? We got stuffing.

We got collard greens. It's just, we got fucking everything. What do you want, Paul? What do you want? I want, I want fucking, is anything better than mac and cheese, dude? A good mac and cheese? Oh, I'm going to tell you right now, Paul. A good mac and cheese?

You got to have my wife's mac and cheese. My wife goes out to restaurants. She's a mac and cheese snob good i'm trying to think i am trying to think they stink i'm trying to think the last time my wife went out and had mac and cheese the best these people get it's not bad it's not bad my wife does a three cheese mac and cheese and browns up the top paul it brings a tear to your eye is it creamy in the middle or no are you kidding me paul i'm insulted you even asked me that it has to be creamy it's the surf and turf you got the crust on top with the creamy paul there's three different cheeses in the other fuck the fuck is it not going to be creamy? No, sometimes people fucking make it dry.

I'm telling you, nine out of ten mac and cheeses stink. Oh, yeah, the whole. Yeah, no. It's like scrambled eggs. Yeah. They should be a little runny. You don't want to fucking all just cook to shit. You got to do it the French style.

I asked for over. French make the best scrambled eggs on the planet. Why? And why is that Oh because they're artists Paul Because they're wrong the Mediterranean All you guys the Greeks the Italians The French

What about a scrambled egg What about a scrambled egg can be better Than a scrambled egg Exactly Paul Because you're fucking Italian and Greek You never give it up to the French what I just never had a you went to

Paul goes I didn't like Paris no I didn't like he said I didn't like I never heard anybody say that in my life no I only went no I that was that me because I only went to the airport I don't think that was me you told me I didn't like Paris.

I've never been to Paris. Then why would you say that to me? Are you sure it was me? Because I've only been to the airport. They're on a layover. I'm positive it was you. I'm going to start calling you Pauly Big Statement. You're going to make a big statement

and then you fucking walk it down. No, but I couldn't have said that. If I said that that that wouldn't make sense because i was only at the airport so i don't know where i would say that from honestly unless i was drunk fucking around i don't know where i would say that from but no no probably talking italian versus french what i'm telling you right now french food is fucking off the chain the only argument i can say is is it's really rich but the thing is is the quality of it like if you made a french meal over here man like you wouldn't feel good afterwards because our fucking our because our food is fucking poison now paul but that's not a story that's not a story but a stand-up comedian's fucking act is figure that one out

so over there dude you have that and you have a little glass of wine afterwards. You're fucking good. You can't believe it. It's it's their food is fucking incredible. All of the food from from Israel. All the fucking way across where I've been along the Mediterranean is some of the best food on the on the planet. I think Middle Eastern food. I've been along the Mediterranean is some of the best food on the, on the planet. I think middle Eastern food. I think respect to the Palestinians. I wasn't there long enough to have any of your guys food.

Dude. It's great. I don't want to start that shit up again. Cause I went over there and the whole fucking place was beautiful. And it was, it was typical shit. Why are people fighting over here beautiful people do palestinian israeli women fucking gorgeous when i was over there food was incredible me and fucking bartnick just dropped in there don't have a dog in the fight well you know i always go for the underdog just sitting there smoking a stick going like i fucking

what are they fighting about over here people probably do that when they come to america they see how fucking big it is and all the bullshit that we're doing and then life goes by paul life goes by like the holiday season and next thing you know it's christmas eve let me tie it all up here in a bowl that's why i'm that's why i'm i'm just i'm that's why i'm just happy because because we're all going to die. I'm a happy guy, man. You got to be happy. You know what I love about you, Paul, is you are a happy guy.

I've actually become a happier person observing you. It gives me joy to see how happy you are. How could you live this life knowing you're going to die unhappy? Well, Paul, there's a lot of of variables we are a couple of white guys so we were kind of starting pretty good here no i mean look i'm talking about knowing you want me you know how annoying tsa is i i always look that the only way white people can relate to racism is if every experience was like going through TSA, there's some guy in a fucking uniform, just breaking your fucking balls and you're sitting there in your head going, I'm not a fucking terrorist.

Why is this taking fucking 45 minutes longer than it should? I had drugs in my bag and TSA was going through it, dude. And I was really fucking nervous. I, um, I did skank fest and somebody put gave me weed and they put it in my bag and I put the thing through the, they went through the thing. I swear to God, dude, this black dude, I'm not even joking. This black dude was, I'm not even exaggerating for the, for the podcast to be funny. This black dude was Steve Urkel, man. This black dude came.

I almost thought he was fucking with people. He had glasses and he just goes, excuse me, Sarah, is this your bag? I do it. I'm not even fucking around. And I go, I go, yeah. He goes, and he goes, all right, you're going to have to grab your stuff and walk around, dude. And like at first a couple of people started like chuckling and like snickering and I'm going to do this guy. Like, like didn't look it was fucking wild and he goes no but aren't you freaking out like i got weed in there or were you yeah no no i was like i was like fuck dude i got weed in there man and i was like i never i never had this happen i just want to get home and i

start grabbing my jacket and he goes sir do you mind not doing that in front of people that's not safe and then that's when i fucking laughed and i walked around and I'm going, oh fuck. And he opens the thing and he takes my fucking sweatshirt out and I'm just going, fuck dude, I swear to God. And then he takes the skank fest, like gift bag that you get, which had like a yearbook and goodies and a flask and a pen and a coaster. And that's where like the weed was, I guess. And he's just looking through it. And I swear to God, I felt like I was into a fucking Narcos and he just goes, ah, that's nothing. And he fucking put everything back and he fucking zipped it. And then as he zipped it, I go, Hey man, thanks for being so fast. Cause I needed to catch my flight. He was

like, no problem. And I felt like when he said no problem it got less nerdy so i was like dude i don't know if the guy was joking or not but i don't think he was because he was like taking it real seriously it's fucking hilarious dude because that's not safe i was like dude it was out of a movie i was like i'm not saying the scariest scariest i've been was when we went into singapore and i was grilling my wife about what weed oh you know those fucking weed people they're always like they're always finding joints and forgetting they had something oh i got a fucking cookie here i forgot i fucking put this here you're fucking shaking the hair out

yeah that's the last one the diamond comes out remember that in casino yeah yeah that's the last one huh that's less he gives her a fucking smack yeah and i was like like i don't want to get caned or get the death penalty like i think we were in new zealand first before we went to singapore which by the way, dude, Singapore fucking airlines. I'm going to tell you this right now. All of the airlines in Asia put our airlines to shame. Dude, smoking hot stewardesses still. You can't call them stewardesses, Bill.

Where's your sensitivity, Bill? I can call these ones stewardesses because they're fucking hot the second they all became flight attendants the number just dipped bitches got fat and shit yeah stewardesses yeah everybody got grumpy on the plane they added extra rows they jam-packed everybody in next thing you know somebody's taking a shit on the fucking food you know what guy did that

what he got banned for life and it's the story has been scrubbed from the internet because he's a really rich guy he got so fucking fucking shit faced and entitled white guy. Of course, I don't know what happened. They shut him off. He dropped a deuce on the food cart. What? Hold his pants down and shat in front of everybody.

On the food cart. What? It's a true fucking story you can't find i remember all the morning radio stations were doing it physically possible how is that physically possible because who's stopping them all you're trying to do is get out of the fucking way you know the person pushing the food cart somebody fucking pulls their fucking pants down sets going you're just backing up you are backing the fuck up can i read this story real quick it's yes did you find it and in 1996 february 12th uh an investment banker accused of defecating on an airliner's food service card during a flight pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor charge of

threatening a flight attendant and agreed to pay 50 000 in restitution his lawyer said his only was diarrhea. I was very angry. Quote, I was very angry, said Gerard B. Finneran, 52. He told the magistrate judge, he also admitted to making a threat aboard the United Airlines flight from Buenos Aires to New York on October 20th. A managing director of a trust company of the West who lives in an upscale Greenwich, Connecticut house faces up to six months jail and $5,000 fine when he was sentenced. Dude, your life is over. There's no way to apologize. There's no way to redeem yourself as a person.

That guy now, he's 52 and 96. So that was 25 years ago. He's 77 if he's still alive. And I bet he still sits on his porch. I bet his neighbors never looked at him the same. Talk about a slap on the wrist. That is the pre-9-11 America that I grew up in. That you could take a shit on a fucking cart on an airplane and make threats, not be arrested.

He told the judge that he had no intentions of carrying out his threat, but badly wanted another glass of wine after the airline had stopped serving alcohol. I became annoyed and said words that implied a physical threat. Asked if he told the attendant he would bust his ass, Finneran said that he assumed that he had said something to that effect. Authorities had alleged in court papers that he started pouring drinks on himself during the flight and had threatened one flight attendant

and shoved another into a seat. Jesus. Dude, you know how fucking hammered you gotta be? Right. The lawyer described his client as a marvelously decent human being who had flown more than 5 million miles without any other without ever shitting on a cart, Paul. I mean, I think, I think you could, everybody else

collectively has flown all the miles ever with he's the only guy who ever shit on a cart. That's I've flown 5 million miles and never shit on a cart guys you know it's a bad day guy had a bad day that's gonna define him you know what i if i had to go out on a limb i'd say he was drinking gin gin is just a mean liquor uh gene gin put me and uh got me arrested gin something about gin dude gin, what is it about gin? Gin and tequila, you go off. It's the devil's cologne, man. Gin, no, tequila, no, man, there's a lot.

I've seen a lot of gentlemen tequila drinkers. Gin, there's something about gin, dude. That is like, I don't know what, everybody goes Mississippi burning when they fucking drink gin. Gin changes that is like, I don't know what everybody goes Mississippi burning when they fucking drink. Gin changes the faith, too. Right. Like you ever you see somebody's face drunk. Bill, you've seen my face drunk. I've seen your face gin face drunk. When somebody is drunk on gin, there's like a it's like a twisted evil kid. Something happens, dude. It's like an exorcism. You become Mr. Hyde.

dude it's like an exorcism you become mr hide you fucking your beard gets fuller you just fucking you're lurking in the shadows jack the ripper juice that stuff is fucking i don't know what it is i remember last time i had jenna was with you in uh new orleans when we were at the governor's palace or whatever that place is called that great restaurant commander palace commander palace yeah we fucking uh i had you know i think i just had straight gin and i was nervous that floral taste to it i'm like there's something going on here hey dude i i got we gotta wrap this podcast up man i gotta hit the gym here um i have to live my best life, Paul and hit the gym. All right, guys. So this has been episode 41. Um, speaking of Thanksgiving and the holidays, Thanksgiving weekend, my last dates of the year will be, uh, November 26th and 27th. Uh, the day after Thanksgiving, um, at what is it?

Uh, the stress factory in Bridgeport, Connecticut, beautiful Bridgeport, Connecticut. So get tickets to that. I will be, uh, doing my new hour and that's the last of the year. So, uh, come out to that. Thank everybody at skank fest who came up and said nice words about myself, about the versity effect, about anything better, dude. I gotta tell you that was fucking amazing. Uh, I heard nothing but amazing things about skank fest. Everybody's saying that they did it right. Dude. I've never seen a festival by comedians for comedians. Bob Saget showed up and Jessica Kirsten.

I ended up fucking smoking a cigar and Doug Stanhope shower with them. It's a fucking whole, you know, wild thing. So anyway, yeah, we went to his room and he was just like, yeah, it was, yeah, this giant thing. And someone goes, take a picture. I'm sitting there with a fucking, I mean, dude, that guy's in a suit.

We had the greatest time, but everybody coming up, dude, the love in that place, the love and appreciation. I've never felt anything like it, man. I've never felt anything fucking like it before all the comedians were like, dude, I've been to festivals. This is the first one where everyone there thousands of knew everyone like it was like they knew all the calm it was fucking amazing i i actually like dude i'm not

even gonna lie it was one of the only times in comedy where i was just doing something and i almost got like not like emotional cry but like you get this feeling of like holy fuck this is why i got into comedy. Like the level of appreciation of the fans, the crowds were fucking nuts. I did this outside tent on Friday at noon and everyone's going, how's this going to go? And all these comedians are on it. And there's literally chairs in a parking lot in a big tent. And I went on and you know, the skank fest fans are hilarious.

They're not dressed well, you know? And I even joked to them, like we're outside in a parking lot doing standup. And I was like, look, half of you guys look like we should, we should be giving out Thanksgiving turkeys to you, right? Like they were fucking right. And it fucking crushed. And like, they just, everything you did, we're just into it, dude. We're like crushing this outside thing. Then you go to another venue that's in that same venue people oh dude i

love you oh man where can i dude it was just amazing so um yeah it was it was people were i ran into eddie pepitone and he just goes dude how this is like one of the most insane dude like if you walked in they were just like thank you so much like how underrated is eddie peppertone one of one of the my favorite eddie peppertone joke is when he goes yeah the magician came you see the quarter you see the court now you see the quarter you see the quarter he goes yeah go fuck yourself because that's not a magic trick because you want to do a trick because tell me how i can feel safe in this world Oh my god dude How great is that guy dude No he's unbelievable

I mean I think he's top five out there For the longest fucking time And I don't for some fucking reason Ageism or whatever You gotta go see Eddie Pepito. So, so good. I got to go hit an elliptical, Paul. We got to wrap this up.

Shout out to Detroit, Michigan, making a comeback, man. Congratulations. You're getting the soulless glass towers too. Where you're going to walk in and they're going to play vibe music so they can create a vibe for all the vibeless people that are going to move in there. I wish everybody, I like real Detroit people. I hope everybody has a good Christmas season. Just skipping over.

No, you got to celebrate all of the holidays, man. Go apple picking, do the whole thing with the kids. Speaking of that, I'm going to go spend my birthday with the kids. Go apple picking. Do the whole thing with the kids. Speaking of that, I'm going to go spend my birthday with the kids. Love you guys. I will see you next time.