Anything Better? - Blodhounds

Episode Date: October 23, 2021

Is there Anything Better than Bill & Paul talking about bloodhounds and horses? Limited Edition Halloween Edition Merch ➡ https://silkshopstores.com/anythingbettermerch/shop/home

What's up everybody and welcome back to the anything better podcast with your host Paul Berzy, Bill Burr, and we cannot forget our amazing producer out there in Beverly Hills, Andrew Themlis. You guys are listening to episode 38. Before we get started on this podcast, I just want to thank everybody who has liked and subscribed. Anything Better. There is nothing better than the Anything Better podcast. You could get the Anything Better podcast on Spotify, iTunes, everywhere you get your podcast. Please leave a comment and a review. It just makes the show move, uh, in the direction that we wanted to. And we also want to thank our fans who are buying our anything better fall Halloween edition t-shirts,

which are, uh, which we've been informed are flying off the shelves. Uh, I actually think I think, yeah. And, uh, the hoodies will be coming out, soon too on the, on the merch store, the online store. So check for those, but thank you guys so much who are buying the the anything better t-shirts with Billy there as a Freddy Krueger and me as a Jason Voorhees. So enjoy those. And we thank you very much now on to episode 38, which is a very weird number. I actually, usually when I do this, I say,

Bill, the first one off the top of my head is this. I don't have that now. That's a tough one. The best thing they got going here, they got Curt Schilling. You remember that guy. George Rogers. George Rogers. Heisman Trophy winner.

Had a couple of really great seasons for the Saints, but they were the Saints. And Pavold Dimitra. Dimitra, I don't know how to say it. NHL. All right, that's it for 38. That's what they got. 38.

Yeah, you know the numbers are weird. It's a weird age to be, too. 38. You're not 40. No. you're not 38 you're not 40 no you're just you're you're 38 yeah like 39 is cooler because you're almost 40 so it's your last one in the 30s there's a sense of urgency with 39 38 is you're just standing in line at the dmv like i really expected more out of this decade i i feel like I let myself down. I let my teammates down 38. When you're broken down on the side of the road without triple a and nobody's

stopping, just looking around. Um, anyways, um, I gotta be honest, man. I don't know how your guys week is going. I'm having a horrible, this is one of the worst weeks my neck is fucking killing me i woke up i couldn't move it i went to physical therapy it took like 10 of the pain away okay i'm going through shit in life personal all kinds of shit all right i went oh for four in the nfl picks i mean yesterday i was in New York city, a bird shit on me, a bird shit on me, dude. I felt, and it was a beautiful day. Hey, I'm having a rough one. It was a beautiful day. The sun was out. I was in the city. I was running around doing all kinds of shit and I feel a drop and I look up thinking it's going to be from like an air conditioner or something. And it was just bird shit that like landed hard on my arm. And I call my wife and she just had a positive spin.

Oh, it's good luck. Things are going to have a better, but I am having a week. So you know what I'm doing tonight, fellas? This is what I'm doing. I'm taking my little boy Lucas to opening night at Madison Square Garden, one of my favorite places to be. And we are going to go see the opening day, New York Knicks against your Boston Celtics at the garden.

It's at seven 30. You guys gave us Kemba Walker. So it's like, he just switched teams for the night. So we'll see how that goes. And, um, Oh, is he on you? He's on your team now. Yeah. Him and that other guy for it for the, the other guy that you had there, the European guy. Oh, what did we get him? And I don't even know what what the deal was. But I'm just looking to be in the garden with my son, enjoy a game and put this horrible, horrific week behind me. horrific week behind me so how was your week bill um i you know i've had a week my uh my rescue dog died oh yeah i'm sorry to hear that yeah we had to well you know that's a whole long story that

whole thing i'm not getting into that but uh she was an awesome dog and uh you know she defied the odds i don't know how many times i mean when you have a rescue pit bull that's aggressive with people they usually don't stay on this planet for longer than a year and a half and she lived for 13 years yeah final years in arizona when the babies came i literally had to get rid of her because she would have ate the babies i, it was a really dysfunctional fucking relationship. I'll tell you that. But I loved her. My wife loved her and she loved us, but she

fucking wanted to kill everybody else. Final years like it was a guy retired in Florida. That's what I said. No, he's in a row. No, she lived her final years like a retired Republican. Republicans go to Arizona. Liberals go down to Florida.

If you've noticed, Paul, where are all the hurricanes? Down in the Florida area. God doesn't like liberals because they feel that they're better than everybody else. And then conservatives, he just feels they're so fucking stupid. They just put them out in the desert? Just stick them out in the desert and just let them walk around. Well, you know what? God doesn't like anybody, Paul.

That's amazing that the dog lived that life. That's what I said to Stacey the other day. I go, dude, our cat is going to be 17 in two months. I go, this kid is playing with house money okay he's he's fucking killed a ton of mice in his day just numbers of birds have been left in my fucking garage so now he's just what you're saying is there's a lot of mice and birds counting the days that fucking cat is gone yeah all the rodents in my neighborhood are like he's still fucking stacy said he tried to jump on the bed and do this is like this is a cat that like could almost get on top of the refrigerator

and now he tried jumping on our bed just missed it's just like and then but like he got up there eventually but i can't dunk anymore yeah anytime i always say this anytime you have an animal yeah you can't dunk anymore um anytime you have an animal that beats its life expectancy you you just did it as a fucking animal lover animal owner you just fucking know my dog lived in uh the lap of luxury and just you know i mean i i'm trying to think of how many hikes I lost count, how many hikes I took that thing on. I love taking her out, wrestling with her, you know, sleeping with her on the couch. My wife wouldn't be in town. I had dog was up in the bed. She ate great.

She always had a brand new bed. I saw the way she lived versus the way she treated all of our friends and family. It's a lot of people that ran back out to their cars when we didn't know how to control her. Yeah, man. I saw your Instagram posts and I get, I get like that with animals, but what's funny about animals like that is it's amazing that an animal would

kill other people. An animal can't be around children. An animal can't be around other animals yet. They'll snuggle with you. That's like amazing. That's an amazing thing that like, they just, there's one guy. Maybe they read people better than I, than you know, you or I do. Look at that Paul. Like how many people are like, truly just like going to be a friend. I just think a pit bull has like a, you know, their line just isn't as far down the road as mine was.

Dogs don't fuck it. Yeah. The animals don't fuck around. Yeah. Like, dude, I don't know if this guy online, I don't know if you saw this guy online with the lion, but dude, I'm telling you right now, you want to, that line's never hurting this guy. I never seen anything like this lion was so in love with this motherfucker that like he was doing this thing with it. And the lot dude, this lot. And he was fucking like the lion was like tickling him. I'm going like, I know that they've said some of those things and bad. That's going to end bad, Paul. I don't know, dude. This lion was doing everything wild animal. I know, I know. But dude, they had a bond. I know. But, dude, they had a bond. I'm telling you, dude, this thing loved this fucking guy. Until one day he gets home late and he didn't give him a chance to give him

those 43 steaks in the morning. He went to Hibachi. He has a little cut on his neck. Dude, do you know, I remember hearing this story when I was in Florida. A Florida man, he met this chick at a bar and he had a giant fucking Python, like behind this big glass thing. And she was all freaked out by it. And he was fucking hammered and he goes,

no, no, it's fine. The thing loves me. And he went in there and he fucking bumped his head and it caused him to fall down. And he bled a little bit and just the thing's tongue tasting the blood in the air. Oh man. And yeah. And fucking it went for him and she freaked out and ran out of there and it

killed him. Oh fuck. I never looked it up to see if that was true, but even if it isn't true, I just want to yell at the fictitious person. It's like you couldn't go get like a frying pan or something or a steak knife and just give it a couple of fucking jabs. You know, this is what I would do, Paul. If a fucking Python grabbed you, I would wait till it, you like were out. And the thing thought that it was having a meal.

And then by then it's all twisted up and winded up and all you gotta do is you fucking stab it in the toe of the toe and the fitz tail a couple of times so wait you'd wait for me to be dead the fuck well if i start moving in the thing might come for me and then we're both fucked you i wouldn't wait till you were dead i would wait till you start just you know the UFC like he's out he's out it is all over that's when I would go

a ref runs in and goes like this I would come in dude you know how it is with something like snakes if you ever look at those meerkats you sort of lunge at them and shit

and just try to you gotta do a lot of head fakes with the fucking snake before you go in there and get it but there paul like you would be laying there with your jordans in the air untied so one of them would be off be like dude don't let don't let him eat me dude i'm like i'm gonna help you paul just not yet bill i'm going out i'm going out it's all right dude just fucking give into it then it can think you can eat you. And I'm coming in there with the fucking bat. Yeah, but I think I just need it to be all the way around you. So like, I don't hit you.

No, but I think when a snake actually fully constricts and takes all your breath away, I don't think it's like you're passing out like UFC. I think you're fucking have no more life in the lungs. No, no, no. You pass out first. Okay. You absolutely pass out. i read that book a perfect storm they explain what happened when you drown like how long your brain and your heart still go

that's why when people say like uh you know when you stopped breathing people always said dude i died and then i came back as this one doctor said he said nothing has ever died and come back to life. What you're explaining is you had a near-death experience. Right. You were like consciously lifeless, but your body was still breathing. The second you stop breathing, your heart doesn't stop. Right. That's not how it works.

Like shit gradually shut. I think that gradually the shit is shutting down. There's layers to it yeah don't know what happened dude is when you fucking suffocate one of those people in the cage they would immediately be dead no does it not yeah don't the navy seals do that shit we're anticipating all the emails about how wrong i was about all of that shit but i know like when they were talking about drowning they took they was a whole fucking chapter. It was the most terrifying thing. Two things happen when you drown.

Either it's water in your lungs or there's a reflex in your throat that immediately just cuts it off and you actually suffocate. They'll find like no water in your lungs. But after you stop breathing, then there's like the dopamine. So you have that stupid smile on your face

when they find you. It's kind of, you're going on a nice little trip and then after then when you're just completely out with that dumb smile on your face your brain is still firing synapses and whatever the synapses are still fire i said firing synapses i don't know what any of this stuff means it's still firing for like another 20 minutes that's why those fucking kids you know they play hockey in the omen and then they go under the ice kids, you know, they play hockey in the Omen and then they go under the ice and they're able to get them out in the real life. It's ButcherBox, everybody.

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You want the bird? Go in the alley and eat the bird. What movie? I don't know what that is, and I like that. That was Pauie in the first rocky when rocky went over to adrian's house and him and uh adrian were fighting and he goes you want the bird and he throws it in the out the door he goes go in the alley and eat the bird she goes oh paulie oh why would you do that uh it's Manscaped, everybody. Do you know what's spookier than seeing a black cat on Halloween?

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I mean, how much do you have to fucking picture a guy trimming his balls? We get it. You're not going to cut out balls and then they're going to look good and your lady's going to want to go down there. Yeah. They also have the 2.0 weed whacker, which is a game changer. Hey, what do they have for your taint, Paul? They got the Sled 4000.

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Shipping is free with code BETTER at manscaped.com. That's 20% off free shipping with code BETTER at manscaped.com. Say trick-or-treat to your beautiful new Halloweeny with Manscaped. Okay. Yeah, my brother had a Navy SEAL come up to him, and this Navy SEAL was talking to my brother, and he talked about when they keep making them tread water until they actually physically can't, and they just keep treading water until they can't,

and then they eventually, like, they'll pass out, and then they fucking, like, revive them and shit, and it's just, it's insane what those guys go through, dude. Yeah, but you don't need to keep, do you just the dead man's float i learned i learned that in swimming you just float face down then occasionally you pick your fucking head up yeah you keep doing aerobics yeah no i think i think they rush water in a tank that you just can't get out of i don't think you could start doing fucking like dead man floats in the navy seal training which would be how insecure you have to be to join special forces like what are you trying to prove yeah i'm just fucking with you dude i just want

to piss people off no they're probably but you got to fuck out of the country. No, no, they're probably. I'm patriotic. I have an American flag and I give the troops a standing ovation at a sporting event. Other than that, I'm just living my life. No, but there is a guy like that. I'm sure there's a guy who's like, fuck it. I'm not just going to the military. I'm doing that for his own thing.

But then there's some bad motherfuckers. They weed those guys out. There's some. And the number of guys that quit. I actually think that quit force guys are like they like have to do that it's the only thing that can contain their intensity can you imagine like if like you were meant to be an army ranger and you actually like managed a home depot and those fucking people showing up just half-assing it every day sleeping on a whole pile of fucking paper towels. And you're wired to save a country.

I mean, they have to go do it, Paul. Yeah, it's kind of a UFC fighter. Have you ever seen those training fucking videos? I saw one, I think it was for the Army Rangers, Paul. You got to pick up like a telephone pole with like 10 other guys. And then then you hold it and then his guys quit there's the people who try out for that shit is so tough if you quit holding up a telephone pole in the sun you're a pussy and they have like this big like and like if somebody taps out now there's

nine of you holding it up paul. You still have to hold it up. And then they get so fucking weary, they puke in the pit, and you got to take your puke outside the pit. And then some guy, what is your puke doing inside of my pit, private? You got to fucking. I would like. All they would have to do is just tell me the intro. I got to do what? Yeah, I don't want to do is just tell me the intro. I got to do what?

Yeah, I don't want to do that. I'll be a junior ranger. I'll just bring the rangers their stuff before they go into the octagon. No, that's another level, man. I had this soldier come up in San Antonio. He had burns on his face and shrapnel scars. I was talking about this in my act one time too. He came up to me and he's thanks for coming, man. And I said, no, dude, you know, thank, thank you so much for your service and everything.

And I was just like looking at the toughness of this guy. And he goes, uh, he goes, yeah, man. And he just goes, you know, I said, I'm able to do this because of what you do, you know? And he goes, yeah, well, you know, I'm just ready to die for america and then i said i was like he's like i'm ready to die at an instant for you you know you go people are ready i'm just thinking like that's not me man like fuck that dude i'm not i i can't i'm a liability out there dude i'm the last fucking dude you want out there but then but no but then if i went out but i'm just saying like again now i mean if i went out there gung-ho i would fucking be about it but no i'm just saying what do you really have an option when you get out there

once you get out there i mean you gotta play the game or else you're dead yeah i'm not saying you wouldn't be crying like yeah just shooting anything that moved but you would try see that's the other thing friendly fire dude that's fucked up man rest his soul that guy pat tillman who left the nfl after 9 11 to do it like the friendly fire thing is what's really is fucking sad man and it's, and what can you do? Brutal. Yeah.

It's a, yeah. I'm glad I never had to do, you know, I did poor enough in high school to a fucking, you know, if I didn't do comedy, I mean, I probably would have thought about going in there. I would not have been a good soldier. I don't like people telling me what to do. I really don't.

Yeah, but you'd be the type of guy that would let you, knowing you, you would hate it at the beginning and then you'd fucking, you'd be the guy giving orders. You'd be a fucking general. You would just, you would be like, fuck that guy. No, I was a lot, I was a lot different person when I was back then. I just wanted to be left alone. And I would hate the drill sergeant within the first fucking two days. Cause he would have reminded me of my dad.

And then that they would have gone for, I would have become a problem. And then I wouldn't be tough. So then he'd kick my ass in front of the whole platoon. And then there'd be some sort of one of those fucking, what do they call it? A blanket party. It wouldn't have been good. You'd be private pile and fucking.

I don't think comedians, people who should be comedians, generally speaking, are cut out for the military. Generally speaking, there are some. I agree with that. I agree with that. Generally speaking, that's not our speed, dude. Like, generally speaking, we go out at night in the middle of the night tell jokes and sit around and talk and make fun of people's clothes and yeah and then they beat the fuck out of you and then

it's just like this is fun i would just be weighing so so like wait a minute so like if uh my leave if i don't come back the worst thing that happens is you stick me in jail and a dishonorable discharge. Oh, you don't approve of me, dude. I would I would be going for one of those fucking things. Well, here's the thing. You know, my mind, I would not be able to not laugh, dude. I laugh. I let my sense of humor and the way my mind goes.

Like we were talking about many times, church funeral, that's the comedic mind. So, and they said that that guy, he passed away, rest his soul. But the guy who was a drill sergeant in full metal jacket was a real drill sergeant. And they said that some of those guys say the most, I talked to soldiers. So they, the most hilarious things ever. Like they just come out and they just say the funny, you, your mother, fuck the thing like that

i would burst out laughing get the shit kicked out of me and everybody in the platoon would hate me because i'd be the reason they were running pile wipe that smile off your face private versi how tall are you remember that that was my favorite one how tall are you five eight sir i didn't know they stacked shit that high i would just be like i would be dude somebody's gotta spoof that you gotta make a movie just about how fucking over the top funny the guy is um well i think movies ruin it so now you're like anticipating it i imagine it must have been amazing when you first met a drill sergeant, you know, back in the day before every fucking movie gave him all those

one-liners and shit or whatever. I like how like drill sergeants have like stock jokes. Yeah. There's only queers and stairs coming. I don't see any horns. Where'd you learn how to whisper private in a helicopter factory just starts doing like stand up you know hey private i don't come to mcdonald's and knock the french fries out of your fucking hand do i oh shit i don't down to the whorehouse and slap the

dicks out of your mouth. Do I, poet? And there's no way they're coming up with it on the spot. You know they're writing shit when they go back to the barracks. Alright, who do I got here? He's fucking That's the sketch. He does hacky 80 stuff.

I didn't know they could stack shit that high. This guy can back me up. Am I right? Am I right? I know what you guys are thinking. This is the type of guy, what did he say? This guy will fuck you in the ass and not even have the decency to give you a reach around. It's like, what?

I know, yeah, it got super gay. I would be crying, dude dude i would be crying laughing there's no way i would just be able to sit at attention while that guy just starts fucking calling you drill sergeant said that not even have to dc to even reach around and be like how did you know that about me i mean how do you resist it he's just lobbing it over the net. I'm so competitive. Yes, I would. You don't even know that. Oh shit. Oh, how do you stack shit? I mean,

just take it literal. Yeah. I mean, I guess if they're constipated or maybe like cow, cow chips or something, like human shit yeah dude i heard boot camp was so hard i i knew a guy that i went to high school with he said like because a couple people kill themselves or whatever but he said some sometimes you would literally contemplate swimming across the like you would like guys would it was that nut like the the freedom in your mind to just get in the water and swim away from that i couldn't handle high school paul there's no fucking way i could give myself in

i remember sitting in high school that's reminding me high school we had this building building a in my high school it was like fucking you guys i just did these big old-fashioned windows and in the summertime they'd have the windows open because there wasn't any ac or whatever right i just remember just looking at it going like what would the teacher do if i just jumped it because on the first floor just jumped out that window or i see the cars driving by just wishing i was in one of those cars yeah just driving by one of my favorite jobs i ever had i washed windows people's houses and my favorite part of the day was when we were driving from

one job to another and i remember just thinking it's the middle of the day and i'm not in an office and i'm driving down the street with my arm out the fucking window it was a great only that sucked about that job is the end of your fingers would be numb by the end of the day from trying to open those fucking screens and those windows oh yeah oh my god you get those pain in the ass old ladies you would they were like windex and paper towel they'd want you to get paint off a fucking window it's like lady we said we're washing your windows let's not try to you know and she'd be like ah remember this lady ma'am i've already gone up there three times it's not it's not bird doo-doo that's paint

um dude you saw me bill you've seen me many times before 11 a.m and it's not it's not fun for me before 11 a.m dude 11 30 is the sweet spot for paul versi you imagine a guy waking me up screaming that i gotta run 10 miles i'm like no dude come on man dude versi is up for like 13 hours and he's asleep for 11. i would love to see the stats on your life what percentage of your life you've been asleep dude and you know something my mother's girlfriends when i was a baby said to my mother like is he okay she goes i don't know what it is she goes we they took me to doctors like he's fine uh they put me down for a nap like after we would eat and then i would just stay down and then like go again and my mom was like this kid his whole life just loves to sleep. My son's like that. Yeah.

My son goes down at seven. It does not move until seven now. It's awesome. And he takes like a nap from 12 to almost three. He gets it. He's chilling. He's in a fucking onesie. He does. He does get it. I'm not gonna lie to you. Kid's got a vibe. Yeah. Kid gets got a vibe. Ladies are, uh, ladies are going to be liking them. I just love the thing where he went like this and ran. There's nothing funnier than when a baby gets, gets it. Like when a baby gets that, I don't want any part of that.

He loves the phone. Can I have the phone back? He just looks, he's like, and then you go to reach for it. And he just kind of, he just looks and he's like and then you go to reach for it and he just kind of he just like runs away I love when a little kid knows what they want and that's it that's fucking it it's like when a Jack Russell plays if you ever played

fetch with a Jack Russell they won't stop they won't they will not stop my brother was a dog sitting and he goes, yeah, man, everything's going good. They called the check on the dog. Yeah. Everything's going good.

Yeah, man. I just been throwing this ball for like four hours and they just burst it out. They go, yeah, you have to stop. Cause he won't stop. They just don't get tired. They just don't. There are certain breeds of dog that just want to play. My buddy's got a retriever, and all she wants to do,

all she wants to do is sticks, balls, all that. Just sticks, anything. You literally would know Robert Palmer. All she wants to do is, all she wants to do is dance. Bitch. All she wants to do is dance. I'm going to get another dog when my kids are like, you know, closer to 10.

Yeah. We're getting another one. We, we already made Stacy. We got to go ahead. We already talked about it. Lucas wants a golden retriever. Stacy wants a French bulldog. And you know me, I me i want what are you gonna do with your other dog no he's chill man he's good he's just good he's just not good with males he just he just he loves he loves the females but we can't get a male in here god dude it's the funniest going on in your house huh oh dude dogs what are the kids doing what mom and dad did and that's why you're here are you gonna name the puppies no no no they'll be fixed they won't even but uh because he's got friends that are all female dogs and since he's six but the funniest thing is we always know with lloyd what dog is coming

because he'll just be like you're losing his shit right and then when you see a dog with a dick you're like yeah then the female walks by he he sits, watches. And I'm like, yeah, that's, he just, he can't handle, he can't handle males. Just, it's too much of a, to my house. I was here, like, this is my property. Another male comes in. I will tell you a sweetheart, a sweetheart golden retriever is, is really an amazing family dog. They just are. And they got a little laziness to them. I like that. I like a dog that likes to chill.

I like a dog. I think I like a laugh. I'm going to go like that mainstream. Like when somebody breaks into your house and like the golden retriever is like wagging its tail because it likes everybody. You know? I would go like labrador retriever but here's the thing with a lab dude you're gonna have that thing is gonna want to fucking work and play a lot a lot like neat and they want a yard to just book i want some fucking lazy ass dog

just laying around and i get like i put on 40 them. I want a dog that wants to go out. It gives you an excuse, Paul, get out of the house. I want a fucking Dane. I want a great Dane. And they are amazing. I heard they're the sweetest. They're actually kind of lazy, but like they, apparently they used to just the King and the King of England used to just have like two of them sitting out there because they were big and like the thing wants no part of a fight and the thing wants no part of any like fast action but they're just I love great Danes I like bloodhounds I like all the uh all the pointers I like all those hunting dogs terriers are hilarious people are always like don't get a great Dane because it's going to live

To like seven or eight And I could mentally Be ready Like I could I don't know What about your kids Yeah

I mean That's another You know But It's a big hole to dig too In your backyard too Great Dane I mean

That's like burying Like a fucking pony Yeah They can get big They can get fucking big You gotta rent like a backhoe Dude, a Great Dane is fucking Andrew, can you pull up just big Great Dane

And just show a picture of one Because I know Well, they think they're like puppies too After they never understand how big they are They try to sit in your lap No, dude, I heard they're the sweetest like the sweet like i talked to some lady started crying about hers that she's like it's the sweetest thing i've ever they're just like giants that are sweet i fucking love them dude i'd get i would like like a one like the blue or the gray

one but they're gorgeous dog when are you gonna pull the trigger you said a couple years uh yeah you know it's i always wanted a bulldog speaking of a dog that doesn't do shit i always wanted a bulldog yeah look at those things man dude is that real i like i like that one looking down at the little dog that's the one right there the one sitting in between those two old people dude that's not real can you go back to that that's fucking nuts man yeah yeah they put their ass on the couch and they just think that they're just chilling just like you oh my god that thing is awesome dude look at his. I want one of those so bad, dude.

All right. Look up a bloodhound. Oh, bloodhounds. I don't love bloodhounds. Look. Wait, maybe. Look at that face. What?

You don't like a bloodhound? Come on. Pick up that first one. It looks like he's running for Senate. Get that first picture. Yeah. Look at that. All he for Senate. Get that first picture. Yeah. All he needs is an American flag behind him. Dude, that thing looks like it's been through shit.

I mean, I love those things. It's running through your yard. Oh, shit, no. It's running through your yard. Oh, shit, dude. That's awesome. Where is it, Blue? Go find it, Blue. No. That's a cute dog, man. That's a puppy, man.

That's awesome. Yeah. Look at those puppies. Dude, how great are dogs? They're like men. They know how to hang. They just want to love you. A dog just wants to absolutely love you. Well, I wouldn't say that's like guys, but I find them easier to get along with.

Cats are fucking. I don't want to do 80s comedy here, but they're fucking annoying. Every once in a while, there's nothing better than a cool cat. But a cat is just like, you know, there's no loyalty with a cat. Dude, I was hugging my cat yesterday, arm under, he's had his thing and his arm hanging. But yeah, maybe not loyalty, but he loves me, dude. Touches my face, tries to get my attention. But I took care of the cat.

All right. You ever like turn around and you see it's like practicing killing you when they like stalk you no no i haven't had that's the thing i don't like about cats it's like dude i'm fucking i got you shelter and i'm feeding you i used to do a bit about that that'd be like if you know you're paying all the rent and you're walking through your apartment you turn around you see a, he's got a knife like this, like walking really slowly. And then he kind of brings it like, hey, what's going on?

How are you? I would love an exotic. But if I have money, I want a horse. A bull terrier? It's another one. Hey, what kind of horse would you get? I told you I would get a black horse and name it Severus. You know what told me Severus?

Severus, yeah. After Severus Snape and Harry Potter. We talked about it on the podcast one time. I said I want a cool name, Severus. I want a black horse named Severus, dude. Look up black. I know there's different kinds. There's the kind Ginger Breaker, rest his soul his soul bought where you go broke in a week my neighbor down the road has kevin

costner's horse from yellowstone literally has it in her front yard three three three houses down and she just walks his name's charlie and they just walk him like a dog she's got a little stable in the backyard yeah that's what that one right there that's the one you want the black clydesdale one looking one look at that thing man yeah look you put a saddle on how could you put a saddle on that fucking thing i just go out and i would i would brush its hair make it feel good give it some oats and be like all right brother you just go run around and do whatever the fuck it is you were supposed to do i know i'm not supposed to be riding you yeah this thing looks like it's got look this thing looks like a suede jacket man this thing looks like a fucking like a dude that horse with a new pair of jordans and a giant's

pullover walking up your fucking hill oh dude i i would sit on that thing with jordans that matched them i would have you would sit on that thing and you'd be lighting a stick dude i would with brand new fucking the cements you'd have the jordan 3 cement oh even those the ones dude i would i would rock the i would have these on i would have these on you don't think that's a little redundant this with the white and then it matches his little head oh yeah i don't know paul i would actually go like red i think the red would pop with that black background you know you could even go all yellow dude with the nick saddle right you got the nick's fucking logo on it oh man, man. That big, yeah, dude. People just walk with those in my neighborhood,

on the street. All right. My wife wants, my wife wants one of those light brown horses. She wants a tan horse. Light brown horse. Look at this thing, Paul.

Like a blondie. Oh, yeah. Look at that one with a giant fucking horse cock looking at you every morning, emasculating you. There you, that's the one. That last one, that last one. Not that donkey looking one, that one.

It didn't have all the fucking writing on its face. That's a beauty. I don't know about that one. Dude, there's... Beat up looking horses. Those horses. There you go. Go back to those two spoiled chicks right there.

Oh, my God. You're not going to put a saddle on there? I only dare it if there's like a ribbon involved. Those are Malibu horses right there. Fucking pain in the ass. I would get a horse just, I would love to rescue a fucking horse and then never ride it.

Be like, dude, those days are over. All right? I'm going to get the fucking horse network for you. Nice flat screen TV. Dude, I'm going to adopt, I'm not even joking about this. I'm adopting an elephant in Africa. Just donate. I'm adopting a fucking...

That's got to be the dumbest scam. Really, Paul? And then what? Are they going to name a star after you? Remember that? Remember you could buy a star? That's the Paul Verzi star. It says it right here in my certificate. I own an elephant in Africa.

What is wrong with you? Where's your Sicilian blood? No, man, they're going endangered. They're going endangered, and they're beautiful. I know. And they wait for people like you to show up. I love elephants, but I can't get anywhere near to see if they actually exist. No, they're going to send me a picture.

Yeah. And a stuffed animal. Oh, Paulie. I would love to. I would love to fucking get an elephant, man. If I could afford it, I would have an elephant too. Just be like, dude, stop standing on one foot. Those days are over.

You're not in the circus anymore. Okay. Put down the beach ball. You're not in the circus anymore. Okay. Put down the beach ball. You're an elephant again. I'm going to get you another five. Wait, you're broad. You guys can go roll around in the mud.

There's no alligators, no lions. This is it. You made it. Dude. If you stare at an elephant long enough, I have panic attacks. That's how fucking weird they are.

Dude. That thing. If I stare at an elephant for a long time, it freaks me out. It's one of the freakiest creatures on planet Earth, dude. Well, it's because it's smarter than you, Paul, and it breaks you down and you see it. What?

Elephants are smarter than people. Is that true? Yeah, they just don't have hands. No, dude, I think they got a great memory. I don't know if they're smarter. I know they're good parents. So don't know if they, I don't know if they're smarter. You know, I know they're good parents. So many animals if they just had hands.

An elephant is one of those fucking animals. An elephant's creepy looking, man. By the way, is a rhinoceros the last dinosaur? No, an alligator. What? An alligator. Dude, a rhinoceros looks like a dinosaur dude with that horn it looks like a pig with with the like armor on andrew pull up a rhino dude a rhinoceros it even has the name like a fucking dinosaur how is that thing not a dinosaur that is the weirdest looking thing and it has a horn uh-huh yeah but goats have horns dude look at that listen to me if that's not a dinosaur

that's the closest to a dinosaur andrew go to this one right the one with the horn won't yeah no hoof i mean look at that He looks sad. I want to rub his head. Why is that? It's going to be okay. Why is an alligator closer to a dinosaur than this fucking thing? Why do people fly from another part of the world to shoot that thing in the fucking head? Because the horn is worth money and people are greedy pieces of shit. Yeah, and as a part of the world, they think if you eat part of the horn, it makes you dick harder.

Closest animal to a dinosaur, and they're saying that it's a... Oh, birds. Ah, dude, that rhinoceros to me does not look... You were so excited that they were going to back you up. Okay, they said right in there closet and a diner stuff. Birds. Oh, Paul,

I love how much you love Paul loves being right. No, I don't. I wouldn't say that. I wouldn't say that you do. I don't, I could be wrong. I'm okay with being wrong.

I like calling shit, but I don't think it's like that. That's what I mean, calling shit. Yeah. Dude, you're not going to believe. Today, they were like, what is the closest animal to being a dinosaur? I said rhinoceros. Andrew looked it up. Bam, number one answer.

Dude, I just see shit. Number one. It's what I am. Talking shit with your chain out. shit number one it's it's what i need talking shit with your chain out brand new pair of jordan's talking shit about how you called rhinoceros i mean paul that that's a day for you yo a guy probably rehearsed that driving down in your lexus how you gonna say it who you gonna say it to you love it i'm excited going into the comedy club dude i just heard i just saw a guy hit a 500 foot home run i'm telling you this guy's got a bat well here it is here it is here it is it went up 440 feet what what what

oh that would be you what did he say he said 480 that was more 480 I got a fucking I know you got it to go you're being a good dad you're taking your kid to the ball game tonight that's fantastic yeah I am and yeah I had a bad week

the national anthem give it a little celebrity to start off the game what would you do if I just started crying just because I had a bad week and I get there and it's opening day and I needed this. I'm a guy. We like my Celtics chances. If you, if you weren't going, Paul, Paul versus he wasn't going. Cause I can't believe this. Was it already a year ago?

You guys went to the first game last year and you won or did you take your son to the first game no I took my son to our only playoff win uh that's what it was against Atlanta like a few months ago but um I'm a guy how many bad I'm a guy that doesn't what kind of guy are you I'm a guy that doesn't have many bad days I don't have many bad days as far as like just being down and being upset and being angry all in one and just having to contain that i would i would say like my under over on a year on 365 days my under over on a year to just have a day like that, I would say under over 12. All right, now go on me. I sleepwalk through at least 200 days a year.

Don't check in with myself or anybody around me. Just put my head down and plow through my day. You're an autopilot. You're an autopilot. Paul, I'll tell you, you had a day. I was hanging out with you that I am trying to work towards. We were hanging out at Bartnick's. You were out here promoting something.

And we went out there and we got some burgers and we were going to smoke a stick in the afternoon. And you said, hey, Bill, you go, I have nothing to do today. Nothing. No podcasts, no promos, no shows, no shows. I have nothing to do. And you were like, how great is that? And I just remember thinking like, that's fucking unbelievable. I want to have a day like that. And then you did. I know, but I haven't had one since I got to have a day where there's nothing.

Don't buy anything. I want nothing, dude. Yes. There's a day where you just have a cream soda in your hand and you look at the sky and you go, I'm doing dick today. Yeah. And then your biggest thing you look forward to that day is, oh, there's a game tonight. I mean, I get excited. I actually it actually changes me. It changes. That's almost making me cry just thinking of having a day like that. Just thinking of having a day like that. Yeah. It's like, you're going to eat a burger with a buddy, throw down your favorite soft drink.

And then guess what? Oh, there's a game tonight. And I could do it all. I could do it all. Paul actually has the intelligence to sit by himself, eating a sandwich and enjoy watching the breeze move the leaves. Paul just naturally knows that. From day one, he was sleeping 12 hours.

This man just understands life. This is how we became friends, Andrew. Yeah. Because I knew I needed to be more like him. Well, me and you are so different that that's why any good relationship, the people aren't exactly the same. And when are exactly the same it starts out as this is fucking great and then it just what happens you can't help each other it's it's because you guys are you all you both know the exact same shit you're two yins or two yangs yeah and then when the bad shit happens it's still i don't know how to do that

i don't have to fix that either and the whole thing just implodes i had a relationship like that with a woman one time we were the exact same fucking person yeah exact same fucking person and we got along great and then it just we just got to the edge of what we knew and it was an abyss and we fell into it and the whole thing just fell apart yeah i had one of those i had one of those oh paul what happened a fucking female me and a female version of me it did not work oh dude you would be 500 pounds oh 500 pounds sleeping in just two people sleeping later than the next mismatching flip-flops i mean you'd be a fucking mess oh yes there would just be pizza boxes all over the house that's hilarious all right well i know you got shit to do i got shit to do too uh yes uh oh paul

i got next time we have a stick dude I gotta tell you about this fucking day Some of this shit's podcast shit Some of this shit's just you and me shit I got some you and me shit to tell you Oh Paul let me tell you Oh we'll do that this week Oh that's gonna be a 60 gauger right there I'm in

I'm in Oh that's a Hoyo de Monterrey day Alright guys Well this has been episode 38 of Anything Better. What can I say? Next week, I'll come back and hopefully have a little more fucking pep in my step. Hey, Paul, you took it like a man, you know? I got to tell you, Paul, I got an 0-4 coming up.

I've gone one in three, like three times. Just teetering on disaster. I've just been lucky enough to get the win early right when i was about to strut right when the fucking robe oh you were you were ready to go deon sanders when he picked off the ball showing it to people who couldn't catch him i was three and one two weeks in a row and i go there there's no looking back. And then life, I got shit on by a bird. I got fucking shit going on and life hit me. That's the reality of it. You got me this year. You got me this year. I'm not going to listen to that. You're good. You're good, Paul. You're

good. You're seeing the numbers, Paul. You had one bad week. Oh, you've been crushing it. It's been episode 38 guys. We love you. Thank you. Keep going to the... Paul Verzi will bounce back. I'll bounce back. I always do. Love you guys. Or am I jinxing you again? Probably. I'm in your head. You did this the last time.

No, I didn't. I didn't do it on purpose. I know. I know. Not like everybody says. I'm smart. I know. Not like everybody says. I'm smart. I was passed over. I can pick games. Not like everybody says. That's not what Pop wanted.

That's what I wanted. By the way, they just, I know we got to go. Pacino just talked about that guy. You want to talk about like friends that like, he said, dude, that guy was on such another fucking level. He gets emotional talking about it. He said that that guy was on such another level. And the way he sounded was that he meant that guy was on a John.

His name is John. I always forget. What is it? Dale? Yes. Yeah. And he said that he was such another level dude on and off screen. And so fucking so much like riches and wiseness to give.

And such a great actor and everything like that. The greatest IMDB page ever. Godfather 1, The Conversation. Godfather 2, The Deer Hunter. Dog Day Afternoon. page ever godfather one the conversation godfather two the deer hunter dog day afternoon all nominated and i think one best picture maybe the conversation didn't but all of them were nominated best picture the guy did not have one fucking uh captain willie goes to summer camp fucking combo drop movie and the kid was smashing meryl streep which is incredible he was dying during deer hunter and then uh yeah like they threatened to quit if they

didn't insure him like meryl streep and stuff because the studio was like yeah we don't know that we can because he was dying of cancer but he uh stuck it that guy dude he was he knew he was dying during that oh yeah he called it during that? Oh, yeah. He called it, Paul. Pretty sure, yeah. Almost supposed to. He called it. Brutal. Hey, that's one you want to be wrong about, okay?

I want to own it for that week. All right, that's it. Thank you to everybody for listening. Please send all your condolences to at Paul Verzi at Twitter. Tell him to keep his head up. Happens to the best of us paul oh man i i don't want don't make me i don't want to root for you to go on four you already are no i'm not when i was gonna go three and oh you said all vegas is so good paul you are you are you are you get competitive and it brings out a fucking side

of you, Paul, that used to control the wharfs way back in the day in New York City. The way you went at me this week, yes. Now you're starting to get my juices flowing. I'm just fucking with you. You started it. I know. You started it, Paul.

Vegas is so good. I could hear the joy. I will definitely deny that forever because I didn't mean it that way. Of course you will, Paul, but you know, that was bad etiquette. A guy's losing and you're giving a shout out to a bookie? Yes, looking back. No, looking back, you saying that, I understand what you're saying, but my intentions were not to do that. Thank you, Mr. Clinton.

I did not. I did not have sexual relations. You sent that text with those intentions. All right. I stuck a cigar in her vagina, but it was not sexual. My humidor was on the fritz. All right. That's it.

We'll talk to you fuckos next time.