Anything Better? - Bobe Hope w. Joe Bartnick

Episode Date: June 12, 2021

what's up everybody and welcome back to the best new podcast on planet earth your favorite hour of the week anything better it's a very special Anything Better episode 19. Because we are together for the first time. This is the first one we're doing actually in studio. Myself, Paul Verzi. Bill Burr. Producer extraordinaire, the Greek freak, Andrew Themlis. Okay.

And we have a very special guest with us. Who we've talked about on about four or five episodes. He is a man who needs no introduction. He is a living legend. None other than Joe Bartnick, Pittsburgh's own Joe B. We've been talking about you. We've been saying about some of the amazing stories that you've, some of the, just the things, the legend of Joe B.

And now we had to do the first one here with you here. Well, thank you. It was great having me. It's a good time. I feel like we're still in my backyard. How great was yesterday? You can't beat... I mean, I'll give a plug.

Super Burger, Pasadena. You can't beat it. Dude. Super Burgers, a fucking cigar, and then... You had your cherry italian soda hey maybe a cherry all natural fucking soda whatever not all natural he made it in the kitchen i don't have too many skills but i can make a drink you can make a drink it was a non-alcoholic shirley temple for old freckle face over here with the uh the cherry soda was

delicious and we just sat around just telling stories. And Verzi had one of the best anything betters ever. You're like, is there anything better than having nothing to do? No. He's like, I got nothing to do today. Nothing. I rented this truck. I'm driving all around California doing a podcast here. I don't know where Santa Monica to Burbank is.

Paul, you don't know things out here. I don't know things out here. Who am I? Oh, you come and do my podcast at 3. I'm in Santa Monica. Then go do one in Burbank. I go, yeah. All I tell everybody is, yeah, I got a car.

I can do it. I don't know. As if traffic doesn't matter. Yeah, I can do that. Mine's going to be done. I can do anything. He's like, Verzi, I don't drive like you. It's going to take you longer than that.

He's like, I'll be there like a half hour. Like, no, you're not. He's like, a half hour late for this thing. He's going like, yeah, I didn't realize Santa Monica was this far away from the valley. It's just like,

well, that's what they have maps for, Paul. They actually have it on your phone. Yeah. All the answers are right in your pocket. It's not just for checking

your TikTok numbers. You can actually find your way somewhere. Paul's very proud of his TikTok number. He was one of the first. He goes, dude, I'm always late

to the new social medias. He got in there. The dance club. The new dance club where everybody was running over to. Paul got in there early and he got big numbers. No, it's Comedy Central's account, but I got five million on that. You did. You went humble, but you still threw out your stats.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, 5.2. I had a lot of support. A lot of help from my supporting cast. Well, let's be honest. You put out a stand-up clip, it mean 5.2 i had a lot of i had a lot of support for my my help for my supporting cast but uh you know i had uh well let's be honest i mean you put out a stand-up clip it gets 5.2 milli it's nothing to shake a stick at yeah you know so uh people tend to talk i never understood what shake a stick at me i never knew what that one was you know that's one where you shake a stick you want to get it the fuck away from you. Then you shake a stick.

I like get the fuck out of here. Okay. All right. Yeah. You want to show you being invited to shake a stick. I got it. I'm just guessing. Andrew, what is shake a stick at come from?

It's nothing to shake a stick. You want to guess or you want to look it up? We already just guessed. He wasn't even listening. Christ. We're losing him. He's playing fucking over there. DJ Anthony reality over here.

Yeah. You want me to fuck with you guys you want the actual anthem taking a stick at somebody is of course uh is a threatening gesture or at least one of defiance uh so to say that you have shaken a stick at somebody is to suggest that that person is an opponent perhaps a worthy one okay so we're the opponent got it i'm just i'm just guessing i'm just guessing right it's it's so you wouldn't shake the stick at the opponent it's nothing you would view as a threat it's nice right right nothing but i don't know if you used it right but you what you're using in like a humble way yes 5.2 it's not you shake a stick yet right right i'm totally confused now all right if something's threatening you right back before they had guns

what it has to do with shaking a stick at the numbers well joe that's the fun of an expression it's not take an expression with the definition and then you have two dummies like us use it and then try to explain it and there therein lies the comedy that is the comedy it is funny just saying stuff that makes no sense which which I do all the time. And I stop short all the time. I'll just talk and stop. I expect my wife to understand what I'm talking about. Do you do that at home?

No, you know what does happen to me? Like right now, I'm doing it right now. I start saying shit, and halfway through, I don't even know what the fuck my point was. And I try to make eye contact with somebody else. I'm going to hand it off to them, and they're going to somehow bring it home. Stacy says, I say things.

My wife says, I say things. And she goes, did you just finish a conversation? I'll start thinking something and then finish my conversation. She goes, you didn't let me into the first part of that conversation. Yeah. My wife says that all the time. Yeah. Like I just, she goes, you were talking to yourself and then you started to talk to finish it.

You didn't fill me in. Yeah. I do that all the time. You know what else I do? I'll go like this I'll be like when I don't have anything to say about an excuse like when I don't when I can't I just use a hand thing so Stacy goes you just went through that red light I just go like of it and so I just be like yeah but you know and she goes no what what is that that doesn't do anything you know what that reminds me of a calm

during the strike we were trying gonna have that strike in new york yeah and uh we somebody said to one of the club owners it goes well you know everything in the last 30 years has gone up except for the price of what you pay comedians the price of a drink went up rent went up travel went up everything went up but what you pay us and the guy just goes well you know, it's like one hand washes the other. You know what I'm saying? It's just like, what the fuck does that even mean? Doesn't fucking mean anything. Just to say something. I got my wife with a good one. Yeah. A good one. What's that?

We were in the middle of a discussion that was escalating and I just said, honey, I'm not trying to win this. I just want you to hear me. Dude, something clicked on her face and we had this great fucking talk about it and worked it all out. I'm not trying to win this I just want you to hear me dude something clicked on her face and we had this great fucking talk about it and worked it all out I'm not trying to win this

that's really good I kept trying to tell her that's like when the cop just goes no no I'm putting my gun down you know those scenes I got the money in the briefcase we got a plane set up for you. I just want to know what kind of drinks you want.

Every demand. You said we did it. I'm backing up. Every demand. Joe, you know what's going to be happening right now? What's that? It's my Boston Bruins, I believe, are playing the Islanders. I know.

I set my T-Bone. I'm taping the fucking game. Who the fuck is this Barclay guy? Whatever the fuck his name is. Barzell. Barzell. He might be the best player in the East in the fucking game. Who the fuck is this Barclay guy? Whatever the fuck his name is. Barzell. Barzell. He might be the best player in the East in the regular season. And he didn't wake up against the Penguins.

But you guys woke up the bear. You hit him in the face a couple times and got mad. I wouldn't say he's a bear. We woke up a little fucking pain in the ass. He's like a Marchand type player. He's fucking great. I love him. I wish he was on my team.

He's very fast. I'm not shitting him. I wouldn't say he's a bear. I mean, the guy's like fucking. No, but you know the expression. But no, he's very fast. He's fucking great. I love him. I wish he was on my team. He's very fast. I'm not shitting him. I wouldn't say he's a bear. I mean, the guy's like fucking... No, but you know the expression. No, he's very fast. It's poke the bear. Poke the bear.

You poke the bear. You shake a stick. You wake up the sleeping dog. Yeah. Let sleeping dogs lie. You don't beat a dead horse. He was missing his captain. And never buy a cat.

He was missing his... Yeah, don't buy a cat. He was missing his... I mean... Cats. I mean, a couple of... Dude, I'm already insecure enough. I don't need a cat blowing me off. Bill calls

me up. This thing just walks by me. You know, you only need me when you need me. That's what I love about a dog. Come here, you fucker. Well, you need something that shits in the box. That's all it does. It hides and shits in the box. I respect a hell lot of cats, but I'm too insecure to own one.

I need more than a cat can give me. I need that dog like, yeah, buddy, when you come home. I can see if you're living alone in a shitbox apartment and you're not allowed to have a dog and you need some kind of interaction with a living thing, then maybe get a cat. Let me clarify that. I respect cats, but I don't like cat owners, generally speaking. Why? I don't vibe with them.

Yeah. So I shouldn't say I don't like them. I just don't vibe with them. You're taking it personal, Paul. You're very rare. No, there's no animals that I don't like. But I feel like your wife wanted a cat. No, I have a dog.

I bought Stacey a cat for her birthday. You're a dog guy. I bought Stacey a cat for her birthday, but I like all animals. I don't dislike any animal. Ah, come on. There's got to be one. Come on. Yeah, exactly.

No, like, what animals? Other than a snake. Yeah, snake. Mosquitoes. No, but I'm not talking like that. I mean, I'm not like an animal nut. I'm just saying like... Pets.

I don't dislike a pet. My kids have guinea pigs. They're fine. What about a rat? A weasel? Where do you draw the line? A ferret that stick up your ass? I guess rodents is where I'm like, I could do without.

That's all ferrets are for. That never happened, by the way. There's no way anybody ever stuck a fucking rodent up their ass. I'm sure they've greased up ferrets. Why would you own a rat? I don't know why you would own it, but it would be not to put it in your ass. That was just some shit that some homophobic person came up with. Just think about the rat would freak out and just start eating its way out in your ass.

And there's no way you would just glue its mouth shut. How do you glue a fucking mouth shut? Come here, come here. Come on, swallow it. I haven't thought i haven't thought about it that intensely but that's what i'm saying is everybody said that when i was growing up there was we're not gonna don't say the fucking name but there was a certain fucking star there was this room there was one of them one rumor was this one guy they found a gallon

of jizz in his stomach remember that one yeah gallon not a half gallon a gallon two liters they had to pump his stomach he had a gallon of jizz and gallon. A gallon. Not a two liter. They had to pump his stomach. He had a gallon of juice. And then they repurposed that a few times. Yeah. Oh, they did. Okay. Then another one was somebody had a fucking- Ferret up their ass.

A gerbil. Put a gerbil in his ass. Anyway, if you get both of those, if you just sat and thought about both of them- I'm not saying that actor- I never denied it. I'm just saying there's someone in Squalor in San Francisco probably doing that. Why else would you own a ferret? I mean, not to show- I don't know why you would own a ferret, but it would be not

to put it up your ass. Yeah, like I think people buy ferrets and weasels just for pets, but the visual of somebody putting a piece of cheese in their ass and then grabbing a ferret by the torso and ramming it up their ass is fucking wild. Yeah, is that sharp provolone?

I would never waste good cheese. Maybe put an American single up there. A Kraft single. But it's un-Italian to waste a good piece of provolone. He puts it through his finger, that big square on the end of his finger. If you keep...

Fucking rat gets in there pissed off. Oh, shit. For a Kraft single? I'm knee-deep in shit. Oh, my God. If you keep the plastic on gets in there pissed off. Oh, shit. For a Kraft single? I'm knee deep in shit. Oh, my God. If you keep the plastic on, you can use it again. If you keep the cellophane on... No, but then it's a practical joke on the rat.

Now he's really mad. I just love that joke. It's, why else buy a... Why else did you have a ferret? So if you worked at a pet store and somebody came in and bought a ferret, you'd be like, that's going up his ass? Yeah. That's definitely going up your ass. Yeah, exactly.

Hey, buddy, do me a favor. You got a check card? I don't want to fucking get a gift. They sell them in adult toy stores? The only two people I knew that had ferrets were priests. That's all I'm going to say. Okay. I think you said a lot.

You kind of said a lot there. Yeah. Joe Bartnik, everybody. Welcome to Anything Better. Episode 19. Anything better than not owning a ferret and having a neighbor that doesn't own a ferret. Honey, why else would he have one?

By the way, how many other things do you think people put in their ass? You'd be surprised. You ask any nurse in an ER, they got stories for that. They do have stories, but I don't think any of them have a ferret story. Dude, to put something alive from the weasel family into your ass. I mean, those things take on like tigers and shit. Hey, men and women have done every kind of sexual thing to every kind of animal period you know that's true the first thing i saw on the internet

was a woman and a horse and i thought i need dsl this is technology i'm behind no i i've watched just about all the porn i draw the line with when you start crossing into animals no it was the guy just showed me i wasn't like hey will you i mean the first thing i want to look up is penguin stuff and then rick flair i'm not like hey let's find a horse and then clarify penguin stuff pittsburgh penguins okay and rick flair stuff like i'm not going to horse porn but the guy showed me i didn't know what the internet was when the guy walked in the green room at the punchline. He goes, check this

out. I was like, whoa. Dude, that guy was like the Lewis and Clark of internet porn. That kid just hacking his way through whatever the fuck he could find early. It was like 10 websites back then. Let's get it back on track and talk about a little playoff after here. Jesus Christ.

We're talking about rats. Famous players who wore 19. It's episode 19. Now it's Johnny Nights. By the way, let's apologize. We got a lot of shit. People are like, hey, Paul, love the show. Just want to let you know you guys messing up Peyton and Johnny U. It's a little much. I was like, alright.

Corrected at the end. 19 is Steve Iserman. Good one. That's a good one. Joe Sackick. He's going to go all hockey players. Joe goes deep. Trottier. Kansas City, Montana.

Trottier. Kansas City, Montana. Tony Gwynn. Ooh. Tony Gwynn. Rest his soul. The hitman? Rest his soul.

Steve. Oh, my hockey knowledge is showing. Steve Eizerman. Eizerman. Eizerman. Eizerman. Yeah, yeah. Bad.

Adam Thielen. Thielen? Thielen? Oh, yeah. 19. He's actuallyerman. Yzerman. Yzerman. Yeah, yeah. Bad. Adam Thielen. Thielen? Thielen? Oh, yeah. 19. He's actually a good receiver right now. Bob Feller. Bernie Kosar.

Ah. Oh, Bernie Kosar. That's a good one. Willis Reed of the New York Knicks. That's a good one. Oh, Paulie, where were you? Where were you? With the limp.

We were talking about that when we saw the opening of the Madison Square Garden album yesterday. Where's your childhood? Paul Molitor. Nice. Dude, Paul Moliter's kid was a hall of fame he had three thousand hall of famer yeah hall of famer dude water down water down let me water down hey what mollar's good he's not like you don't think instantly that guy's a hall of famer robin yeah robin yeah another guy another brewer yeah what do you know yeah Robin Yount.

Robin Yount was like... Another guy. Another brewer. Joe's tough. Joe is tough to impress. When I say Hall of Famer, I want it to be... You say Johnny Yu. Okay. You say Steve Eisenberg.

You want it to be iconic. Yes. You want it to be iconic. I don't want it to be the Hall of Fame of, oh, did that guy make it? I want it to be the... He's a fucking Hall of Famer. Yeah, you don't want any debate. I want my kid to know who that guy is.

Joe doesn't want a debate. There should be no debate. There should be no question. Lance Allworth. Yeah, Bambi. That's a good one. Was he eight? Oh, that was great.

He was a charger. He wore the powder blue. Lenny Wilkins. That's another good one. Keyshawn Johnson. Don Nelson. Don Nelson. That guy could booze harder than me.

I mean. Playing the NBA. Hey, you ain't kidding. He looks like Tip O'Neal. Who else we got there? I don't know half of these guys. Trottier. There's Trottier.

Yeah, Trottier. Soccer player. Totally underrated. Totally underrated hockey player. Dave Rigetti. Rigetti. Spaghetti. Spaghetti. All right. Let's talk playoff hockey Dave Rigetti. Rigetti Spaghetti. Rigetti Spaghetti.

All right, let's talk playoff hockey here, dude. Joe Maynard. I am believing the Bruins are going to win tonight. They have to, obviously. It'd be tough to win and never lose. I don't know. I've got to be honest with you. As well as their goaltender.

Three hours ago in this very seat, I was not looking. I didn't think they were going to win tonight. I think they're going to win. I'm puck off. I hope they do. I hope they do. Not as much as I do. Don't take my hope away from me.

That's all I've got left in this series. I asked Joe last night a thousand questions. I go, Joe, do you mind if I just ask you? He goes, yeah, that's what I'm here for. And I just literally asked him everything about hockey. I was like, dude, who's 86? That kid's good. He's like this.

Who's scored the most goals in one game? He goes, 11. I go, what's, who do you think's going to win this? And I go, I was like, he was with a 12-year-old, but he was teaching me. We watched two games last night. It was still awesome. It was still awesome. I'm talking hockey.

The worst is whenever, like, you know, you're watching a movie with someone. Like, hey, what happened? You should have been here when it started. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking, you know. What happened? You should have been here when it started. What happened? You showed up late. I'll tell you in an hour and 50 minutes. Or when I don't know either.

What's going to happen? I don't know. I'm watching it too. You know what's fucking annoying me though is, I'm going to do the classic thing because my team's losing this series. I thought on the last game there was a clear and present Islanders biased. In the announcing team or the penalty? At the NHL Network. Dude, they go on 220.

What's that? The NBC Sports Network. I've never seen this before on a fucking national broadcast. They went in to show how the Islanders got put on the power play, which was on a bullshit call. But before they showed the bullshit call, they showed a play where we got away with one. They showed that first.

It's like, what the fuck is this? Is an Islander fucking editing this thing? Oh, yeah, they played the Penguins last series. And I said on Puckoff, it seemed like I was watching Madison Square Garden 2. Yeah, like the MSG network. Yeah, it was totally like pro-Islanders. I hate watching sports when they clearly, when they want like, Doris Burke during the Knicks-Hawks was clearly against the Knicks.

She was clearly just talking against the Knicks. And I told you, McCarver hated the Yankees. And then I found out he also hated the Red Sox. And it was all teams. We felt that way too. It was all teams. We felt that way, too. It was all teams. Yeah, we felt that way, too. Red Sox said it, but Yankees.

And it was all teams that apparently passed up on him. So teams that he didn't play for or didn't like him. But he always would shit on the Yankees. He would always. So then I would either just turn off the sound or just listen to another network. Yeah. I'm not saying the announcers. But when they went to the thing and they show.

I've never seen them show. Other than on a Homer broadcast where they go, you know, and they would only show it against the other team. They would never show it against themselves. It's just to fucking go in there and show one where like, hey, they got away with this. Oh, yeah. So this makes up for this fucking horseshit call that then gives them a goal. It was like they're literally deciding what you're supposed to think at home. Oh, 100% that NBC does that.

Oh, that makes me feel good to hear that. No, I remember that exactly. The worst is when Pierre Maguire, who I can't say, would be like, there's too many men on the ice. Well, you're sitting right next to the linesman in the bubble. Of course he's going to hear it, and he calls it. It's like, shut up, Pierre. Oh, you hate that guy, Pierre Maguire.

Yeah, he's terrible. He actually helped us win a cup as an assistant coach, but he's terrible. He's just an ass kisser, and he's a terrible announcer. I don't want to say anything. He doesn't bother me at all. So Joe has to do it. Joe. He even bothers me when we're winning.

He bothers me. He bothers me. And that's saying something. Like, when I'm annoyed at a telecast when he's winning. Like, you know what? I just listen to the radio telecast, even though it's 30 seconds behind when he's the announcer. Because I can't deal with fear.

Can you pause your TV and make it sync it up a little bit? Yes, but you know what? It's just like, I know the game so much that I don't even, like, one of my only skills in life besides making drinks is I can call secondary assist on two. I was like, versus making... Fast forward two is what he's saying. I've seen him do it.

Fast forward two, he can call the secondary assist as he's watching. No, he was doing it last. As they go around the league. Yeah, because I'm like, Virgin, if it's making you dizzy, let me know. Because my wife hates when I do that. But it's like, just catch up to the action. No, I actually liked it because it was like nothing was going. There was no zero, zero for a long time.

So he was just fast forwarding. But then he would just stop it at something where like he knew what was cut. It was like a weird. I've watched so much hockey in my life is yeah well i was in a nightclub when you were i was in a fucking 70s themed nightclub we were at we were at johnny what's it called uh johnny hideaways it was it was an awesome night we're at a famous place in atlanta called johnny hideaways it's a famous place and after the Johnny Hideaways. It's a famous place. And after the show, Joe G., and he had some friends there, and he goes, Oh, we're going to go to Johnny Hideaways.

It's 70s night. And we go in, and it's fucking 70s night. It's like a movie set. It was like Saturday Night Fever. Smoke was coming up. People are dancing to Saturday Night Fever. Drinks. Whores.

I mean, it was. You know, I can't lie. There seemed to be a lot of those there. And Joe is sitting. God bless him. Joe is sitting at the table. He's sitting at the table. At the bar.

I mean, no, no. But when we got it. And he was going like this. No, no. But then when we got our drinks. Oh, yeah. When we got our drinks, he's like this. He's looking at his phone.

And there's a party around him. A nightclub. He's going like this. And I walked. And he was just his phone, and there's a party around him, a nightclub. He's going like this. And I walked, and he was just watching his team play hockey. In the middle of a packed nightclub, he goes, hey, it's a playoff game. Yeah, playoff game. I'm missing the playoffs. Correcting your story.

So there's a bunch of people, and he's like, whores. You know, so I'm, Joe's sitting at the table at the bar. The bar. It wasn't, no. When I saw it, you were at the table with it. Okay. Because I remember. We settled in.

Because what's their face? My friend was like, you're not going to come dance. I'm like, they're playing. Like, I don't know what you want me to do. I'm not going to dance. I wouldn't dance. If tennis was on, I might dance. But this is hockey.

I'm watching the playoffs. Playoff hockey. Yeah. Keith Robinson told me a story one time. He was on a flight with. Florentine. Florentine. Florentine. And they started the land.

They told him to power down his thing he had in the Dolphins game. He's just like, yeah, I'm not doing that. No, he got in trouble. It's the playoffs. It's playoffs. I'm not turning it off. The plane is going to be fine. I'm not turning it off.

I was having major... One of the only times I ever had a panic attack in real life was when we played the Capitals in game seven, the second year we won the Cup when Flower was playing them. And you know how internet on the plane is so spotty? So I was catching every 20 seconds it was buffering and they're like, oh, you're in. And I'm like, ah, what? And then all of a sudden Russ scored.

I'm like, we're up one nothing. I'm like, you know what? I'm just gonna shut off my phone and just have good karma say a prayer when we landed it was two nothing we won i'm like there we go do you know like i couldn't deal with the stress of just the internet like i was gonna kill the stewardess the waitress whatever i had a flight from i had a flight from sy, Australia to Auckland, New Zealand when the Patriots were playing Seattle in the Super Bowl. And I was like, it's the Super Bowl.

They're going to have it on the plane. And I got on the plane. They didn't have it on the plane. And I was just sitting on the fucking plane like, what is happening? What is happening? And I got off the plane, and I was so fucking, yeah, I had so much anxiety because of the whole,

you know, you mad, bro? You mad with that guy in the corner back there with Tom Brady? Then I was just like, oh my God, if we lose to those guys,

that guy's never gonna shut up. And my wife looked it up. She looked it up and I go, what's the score? And she goes, the Patriots are winning. And I knew it was late.

I go, they're winning? They're winning? I go, how much time is left? She's like, it says it's over. And I goes, the Patriots are winning. And I knew it was late. I go, they're winning? They're winning? I go, how much time is left? She's like, it says it's over. And I go, you've got to be kidding me. I'm like, oh, my God, we won.

We won. And I flipped out. And then I went home. I did the gig. And I got back to the hotel. And they had it. And the Super Bowl was playing on a loop. And I watched it three times.

Who was the opponent? It was Seattle. That was the one where they didn't give it to Marshawn Lynch. That was the one with the pick. Yeah. And they rehearsed and rehearsed.

Rehearsed. Malcolm Butler. How fucking Hollywood am I? They had practiced that play. They rehearsed it. Five, six, seven, eight. They had to dress. They had to dress.

They had to dress rehearsal. You ran to the painted grass. It was real. Oh, God. What has happened to me? The most tension I've ever had on a plane sports-wise, and the whole plane, was right as we were getting on the plane in Pittsburgh

on a Monday morning, was the morning that Ben wrecked on a motorcycle. Oh, I remember that. And everyone thought he was dead. So everyone got on the plane in Pittsburgh thinking, like, it was on the news, like, Ben Roethlisberger got hit, and they show his motorcycle's mangled. And then it's like, you know, boarding, you know, like, you know, Group C. People are freaking the fuck out, right?

Literally, the pilot, like, we're going over Omaha is like, you know, we're at 30, we'll be landing in LA in three hours or San Francisco back there, or wherever. He goes, just so you know, Ben Roethlisberger is, you know,

critical, but steady, whatever they say. Stable. Stable, yeah. Steady. Ride it out, man. Joe,

Joe, Joe, never be a doctor's assistant. They said you're steady. They said you're steady. They said you're steady. You need some more pain, man? Some of your pussy? I mean, you were on a motorcycle.

I mean, what did you think was going to happen? Guys like you keep this place running. Joe, my aunt had that happen to her. She made dinner. Clean yourself up. Clean yourself up. I'm not wasting the stitch on that. You just get your fucking ass out of here.

Apply some pressure and quit your bitching. Yeah. I do love in the Pittsburgh airport when you do go off how Bill used to always talk about that on Randy's show. Oh, yeah. We'd talk about how the Franco Harris, like they still, like, it's like the statue. It's next to like, like George Washington. And I thought it was William Penn for like the whole time.

And then my, it was my daughter goes, that's George Washington. I go, I thought it was William Penn for the whole time. It was my daughter. I go, that's George Washington. I go, I thought it was William Penn the whole 20 years. I never knew it was George. I didn't know he went that far west. I thought he was an East Coast guy. No, because that was a big deal in the French-American War. He was a general.

Was it a French and Indian War? Yeah, an Indian War, yeah. That always confused me because I thought they fought each other, but they were on the... Yeah, the British fought the French and the Indians. And so he was a British guy because he was in the colonies. And they went out and they won that war. They won the battle in Pittsburgh.

So the Indians literally had to sit there and be like, all right, which, what is the lesser of two evil forces here we got to side with? That's like Finland in World War II. All right. They were like, who are we going to go with? Are we going to go with the Russians and Stalin or are we going to go with Hitler you know they saw the tanks they were like alright fuck it we're going to go with the Germans I think they're going to win you know what happened they actually defeated the Russians

but because they were on Hitler's side the Axis side at the end of the war they still had to give up that bottom third of their country after winning the fight I always think about what Hitler did like at night when like when he was like getting ready for bed you know like when like during all the shit when he was like fucking seriously like more amphetamines no just like no like he's just in his head he was a

dog lover and he was like well you think at any part of it he knew that he was spinning a yarn he's just like he looked like i had a ponzi scheme of hate just like how long how long can i sustain that's what i'm saying like did he like sit on his bed in his jammies? Just like with the TV on, like thinking, like, what the fuck? Like, we've just gone far. This is a little, this is a lot, you know? His girlfriend's rubbing his shoulders. No, you were great tonight.

I just didn't feel like I made him hate the way I usually do. No, no, no, you were great. I was scared of you. Really? You're not just saying that? I was terrified. You were like out of your mind tonight. Thank you.

What's bomb? Did I bomb in German? Yeah. Am I fighting on too many fronts? Is that my craze? I mean, we are in the middle of Europe. I mean, is it weird to fan out like that? That's so funny.

Like a coach. Like a coach looking at the X's and O's. I don't know about this Poland thing. Should I have? That's why they're adorable. Look at Ben Adolf. I don't know about Switzerland. Switzerland, pick a coach. Like a coach looking at the X's and O's. I don't know about this Poland thing. Should I have... That's why that... I don't know about Switzerland. Switzerland, pick a side. That's why that Norm MacDonald joke was so great.

When he was like, they almost won. Yeah, they were like the size of Maine. Yeah, he's like, are you afraid of whatever Korea? And I guess, no, I'm afraid of Germany. They took on the world and almost won. Yeah, and they almost did. I'm not doing it justice. Norms are awesome.

But the joke is so ridiculous. I've never heard that joke. No one did that joke since World War II. Like, how did we miss? Everyone missed that joke until the last Letterman show. Bob Hope did nine million jokes. He never had that one.

In front of the military. In Germany. It is nuts that is nuts he didn't pay his writers enough bob hope if he paid his writers fair scale he would have got that joke too busy banging brooke shields oh boy um yeah i'm gonna get a meet dude after after his fucking uh no but bob had all those broads with him he'd bring him on the military ship what could they they couldn't run you know bob hope got a massage every day they said he got a massage every day live to 100 oh yeah no i said he got a massage every guy that's like bad for your muscles like i'm sore as shit after one look how awful you look too after like 80 he was so awful imagine just like oh god can you imagine the poor person no muscle yeah he's like 94 she's going like just like stale salami you're like an urchin in a robe yeah fucking starfish he takes off his bounce off the ground.

Isn't that something? Who used to do that? There used to be this LA radio show out here and he just used to shit on Bob Hope which was the funniest thing. Like, who just shits on Bob Hope? And he just kept going,

isn't that something? Isn't that something? I think we need to bring in all the football players too. They have the same bad jokes for him every year. Like, this guy, he tackled a back truck. Didn't have to walk around. all the football players too. They have the same bad jokes for him every year. Like this guy, he like,

you know, he tackled, he tackled the back truck. Didn't have to walk around. Like they, like they even know who Bob Hope was. He's like 6'6", lineman from Alabama.

He's like, who's this? All these cool black guys had to act like this 99 year old white guy was funny. Guy's got a face that can stop a cuckoo clock.

Please welcome Deacon Jones yeah he was supposed to play King Kong the black guy's like okay then run off that's kind of racist hi mom he did it forever

he did no he did it till he died no he did it till he died like he did he do it until he died pretty much until they kind of got rid of that with like uh i think once there was like a hundred channels those guys finally just how many times you think his manager called to try to wrap it up hey so what do you think in the tour next year can't do that king kong joke anymore man what are you talking about i I was in that picture. Yeah, 70 years ago, buddy. Things have changed. He's so

entrenched in America, like the Pentagon starting wars just so Bob Hope has gigs. That's why he was so patriotic. He needed some road dates. Bob, where you want to go this year? Well, let's bomb Uruguay. How about that Grenada? Thank God something happened.

This goddamn hippie's killed my road dates. He's fucking screaming at his wife. Hippie's killed my road dates. They're protesting old Hollywood. You know what I like in the world? Upsetment. I see it. I make money just like the fucking World Banks. He's screaming at his wife.

He's like, there's been peace for months. We got to get Carter out of office. The hostages. That was a perfect chance to get me three years of dates. Goddamn peanut farmer. I got Reagan that picture deal. He'll give me some gigs. He did. He came right in with Grenada.

Yeah. That was a friendly. A little warm up game. It's so funny. He's sweating. He's rubbing his head. What's wrong, honey? Ah, they're talking peace treaty. Panama Canal. Then he gave him Grenada. Reagan's in the Oval Office like second secretary of state Hope needs a couple gigs Hope got cancelled

after Vietnam and he kind of eased his way back in with the Panama Canal and Grenada I thought you got me too in those days ran out of war days ran out of war days oh shit I miss the good old days That's how you got me too in those days. Ran out of war days. Ran out of war days.

Oh, shit. I miss the good old days. Korea and Marilyn Monroe. Yeah. Oh, shit. That's funny. He keeps calling the president. Mr. President Pope hotline too.

I mean, Pope hotline too. Tell him no. Tell him we're going to bomb him. We're eating. Hope calls every Monday at three. Tell him to play a fucking casino. Jesus Christ. Hope calls every Monday at three and lists the countries he hasn't been to yet. The wife wants to go to Southeast Asia.

Just stick your nose into something over there so I can shut her up. What's the CIA got going over in Asia? Oh, shit. Oh, wow. Bob Hope taking a fucking... Oh, shit. Taking a pound in here. All he did was fucking entertain troops.

All he did was build a beautiful facility, the LAX, that I can't get into because I went to Canada. What is that? The USO station is... Of course, I didn't go to Canada. The USO building, if you're a veteran, you get to go. It's like a Delta Sky Club

for USO. That's cool. Incredible. He's done a lot of good... We love everybody, but no, he's done a lot of good, not on backpacking. We love everybody, but no, he's done a lot of good charity work. But it is funny that he was at every war. We can't buy that back. We ripped on that for 20 minutes.

He was at every war, though. I love Joe started that one. We love everybody, but. No, I said, I'm not going to do the, you know, we love at the roast. No, we hate you. We're going to roast you. I hate that. We love everybody. No, we hate most of you fucking people. Yeah. All right. Hey, everybody, it love the roast. No, we hate you. We're going to roast you. I hate that. We love everybody. No, we hate most of you fucking people. Yeah. Hey, everybody.

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Good night, everybody. No, it did. It became that, like, the research people did on you was like your dead family members and how glad, like, you know, they are that they're dead. It's just like it got like... That's why the only recent one I liked was when they did Oh, dude, when? What's his name came out? Bill Hader came out as Mr. Hollywood.

But that was a great one because that was all his friends. That was a great one. When it's all friends and it's like... And then Andy Sandberg just did like the worst ones and he goes, I'm zinging you. Ooh, I zinged you. And it was all like nothing. But it was like just fun, goofy friends. But some of them were just like, have a good joke.

Not just fucking, you know. Just how mean can I be? At least know the guy. Yeah. At least know him. Justin Bieber. How many of those guys were friends with Justin Bieber? None of them.

Yeah. I love the old Dean, like the Dean Martin ones. When it was just like they were just crying, laughing, and Rickles would go up. But they all were friends and they all knew each other and stuff. I love the old Dean, like the Dean Martin ones when it was just like they were just crying, laughing and Rickles would go up. But they all were friends and they all knew each other and stuff. I know. That's like the best infomercial entertainment. You can just watch that. It's a great infomercial.

I don't need to change. That one and the one Motown one me and Virgil used to watch. What is amazing is just how fucking old they are. Because now I look at them, I'm like, I'm like that guy's age. They look so, I'm not saying I look good, but people look so fucking old. Like, how fast did Lucille Ball get old? She was like on, like, Lucy, I love Lucy. She looked great.

Then, like, two years later, she's like, Mr. Moody. She had a deep voice. She talked like a truck. By the end. Yeah. People just looked old in those days. Remember, like, now when you see a hockey player, like, who player like he was like 24 they show his mom and dad in the stands hockey players in the 70s they looked like they were grandparents they looked like they fought

in civil war yeah they looked fucking old like i i still look at them like uh like derrick sanderson just he just looked 40 when he was 25 and i'm'm just looking at the guy going, that's a 25-year-old. And he's like, 25, you're a kid. They all had those fucking stashes. I was going to say, Don Mattingly, when Don Mattingly was probably 29, 30 years old, he looked like he was a 45-year-old man at the plate. They just looked older then. Don Rickles was like 44 in Kelly's Heroes.

He looks like he's 62. He's only 44. That's unbelievable. 44, 46, yeah 46 yeah unbelievable he looked the same for a long time like even up into casino when he did casino and he all those parts he just looked the same bartek we saw him i wish i went to sell rickles yeah i fucking wish i did i saw hey did you heckle him yeah i know i told you i'm saying yeah i i saw rickles twice the first time i was doing well that is I was on a show in Vegas.

I flew my buddy and we saw him. It was great. Second time we saw him and Tony Orlando opened for him. Tony Orlando did like an hour 10. I bet he got fired after that show. Like no one, he tried to upstage Rickles. But he crushed. As I'm saying, he crushed.

The guy did every, you're talking about, he did a whole career in one night, played the drums and sang. He did like five songs I knew from my childhood. I didn't know they were his. I mean, he could have left and been like, oh, I forgot Rickles was going on. He crushed. He crushed. So I heckled him at the end. I waited for his encore, and I knew I wasn't going to meet him.

I just wanted to interact with him. So he was up there, and he was just sort of bullshitting with the crowd. He wasn't really doing a joke at that point. I just kept going, Donnie! He didn't hear me and I just went, Donnie! And he finally goes, yeah, I know my name. I met him at Book Soup. Is that the one that's called on Sunset?

By the Viper Room? You're talking a bookstore, dude. I don't know what that is. Oh, anyway, yeah. So me and Lundy, the same guy, we went down to meet him. You're talking a bookstore, dude. I don't know what that is. Oh, no, anyway, yeah. So me and Lundy, the same guy, we went down to meet him. He's on a book signing. And they're like, okay, the line stops here,

and no more people. And I'm like, I'm not letting this fucking librarian tell me I'm not going to meet Don Rickles. I wait in line for an hour. So I just walk right past her. And then he had like a couple, he had like a bodyguard kind of, but I just kind of walked kind of past him.

I go, Mr. Rickles, it's just an honor, sir. He's like, thank you, sir. He's like, thank you, son. And then my buddy Lundy was just like, hey, should I follow you? I go, yeah, follow me. She's like, we're done. We're done. I'm like, no, I didn't wait in line to have you tell me,

come on, let me get on the race. That reminded me of when me and you and Bill, when we were in Charlottelotte and pat came out and he walked right by us me and you were the players they had that little thing and then you got bill has it on video and he gave patrick ewing patrick ewing he gave me and bartnick like a fist bump and bartnick and i as soon as he did me and bart just look at each other go you guys acted like a couple of girls oh dude that's pat what was it the charlotte hornets that's right he was was it? The Charlotte Hornets.

That's right. He was coaching. Is he still coaching for them? No, he's the head coach of the Georgetown Hoyas. Coolest thing about that was, the coolest thing about that night besides the buffet was we saw Paul Silas, old Celtic. And my dad's an old Celtic fan. He's old, but he's also Celtic. Oh, he was sitting courtside while we walked.

Yeah, he was like coaching the Hornets or something at that point and I just walked by was standing there and I walked By by my I go you were my dad's favorite Celtic He has the biggest chance didn't make rings that big I don't know how he his was that big from like 75 huge and he goes they just don't understand that down here Or this because they just don't understand this down here big Celtic a big Celtic championship. Wow, that's great. Yeah, he's a big dude. Remember how big he was? Paul Silas played power forward when you had to be a man.

Yeah, his son coaches now. I mean, in the 70s, power forwards, they were all just thugs. They all had to protect. Yeah, so definitely way, way more rough for a game. I will say nowadays though, the level that these guys can shoot is just fucking insane. Some of these guys,

they're like 10 feet behind the fucking arc. Yeah, 7 footers. Well, there's like 7 footers. Durant. They're in 6-11, yeah. Every other, all the great centers, other than like Kareem with 7-4,

they're all like 7 foot. You know, like Elijah won. Pat. Robbins. All the 10 best centers of all time are all 7 footers, except Moses is like 6'10". Durant's 6'11".

He's playing like Jordan. Yeah, he's right. I mean, it's incredible. You know what, on the Suns, Brooks, whatever. Well, it seems like in the 80s and 90s, the position mattered. The one, the two, the three, they had the body. The five was like a seven. Now it's like there's no, like guys can do like one through, most guys can do one through four.

And a lot of guys can, a few guys can do more. I enjoy, I love basketball. But the one thing I do, the biggest thing I can't say besides foul shots that just bore the shit out of me, like come on, hurry up, is nobody boxes out and rebounds. It literally drives me insane that nobody goes for the rebound. Old man, I rebound. Old man. I'm an old man.

The fact that no, that's how I taught my kid who was good at basketball. You box out, you get the ball, you make a three-pointer the old-fashioned way. You earn it. What about traveling? Yeah, yeah. What about traveling? Yeah, traveling. I got to be honest.

Every game I watch, I'm like, that's a travel. That's a travel. That's a travel. It's a different game. I don't even understand. That's like, that's a travel. That's a travel. That's a travel. It's a different game. I don't even understand. That's the first thing you learn. Andrew, that was my dad's bitch in the 80s. That's been around for 40 years.

I know. I get it. It's getting worse, though. That has been lost. But at least they went for the rebounds in the 90s. I mean, no one's going to... The ball's just sitting there. No one's going for the rebound.

Joe, do you have a story about you yelling at your... Didn't you yell at your daughter's basketball... You used to yell out at your daughter's basketball game, get the rebound and shit. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I just picture the echo of the gym of Joe looking at the boo going, Rebound!

No, I've always been positive. Every time I've been totally positive. But I would just sit. I bring my own lawn chair and sit in sit. I bring my own lawn chair. I sit in the corner. I bring my own lawn chair. I just sit in the corner away from all the parents, everything. And I would just go, come on, boo.

Let's go, boo. Yeah, boo. Yeah. And she'd know if I did. I'd go, excellent. That was the. So that's when, yeah, she was doing it, right? Excellent, yeah.

Come on, boo meant like, come on. Yeah, right? Excellent, yeah. Come on, boo, man. Like, come on. Yeah, let's go, boo. Come on, ladies. Let's go, ladies. Let's go, ladies. Come on. Excellent.

Excellent. Because, you know, here's the biggest thing, and you're going to see this. You're going to see this. It's right. The natural reaction for kids when they play basketball, when they get kids chasing them, get away, go away from the basket. Start dribbling away from the basket.

It's a big jump when they start going towards the basket. And I'm like, boo, just go under the basket and go on this side. When they're shooting from this side, go to that side. When they're shooting from that side, go to that side. You know, she has Bartnick shoulders. She was getting every bat, putting it up, putting up major stats. It was great. And I'm like, I just taught her.

And sometimes she'd get mad. She's been playing on some all-star teams and stuff and they don't pass me the ball I go they think they you think they passed your old man the ball go get the ball And he is a parent or with a rolled-up program Nobody tackling. And I'd always have my headphones on because, you know, the bouncing of the balls in the gyms, it crushes. Like if you have concussion headaches, all that. It's like, ugh. I'd have my headphones.

Yeah, but I was always positive. All the parents liked me because I was always positive. Yeah. It's like, yeah. That's all right. Yeah. And I hate when- So why did you have your own chair sitting away from those people?

Because, you know, the stands are bad for your back. Oh, okay. I thought it was you couldn't deal with the parents or something. No, no. The parents are always cool. But the other thing I didn't like about other parents is when they would get on. There's one nice lady. She'd always bitch about the coach.

And it's like, they're taking the time to work with your kid. Are you going to do it? Maybe your kid, maybe my kid. I'll help your kid. I loved her two daughters. And that's like, but I can't help all these other fuck-ups. You know, it's like someone's working with these 12 kids three times a week. Let them, you know, I can't, like, I can't bitch about someone.

I can't bitch about someone trying to help my kid. Right. You know what I mean? It's like I can't. Or the referee. It's like, this guy's making like nine bucks. You know, he might blow a call. He's getting $2 a quarter.

Come on. Let's take it easy on him yeah but it's just you'll see with your kids it's just so much fun watching your kids play sports I'm gonna

I'm gonna I think I'm gonna coach Sophia in something because I think I think I want to do it I was talking to Stacy and I was like I'll look at my schedule

and see but like if I have to miss some games I'll have an assistant but I want to coach I want to coach it's like half the reason I want to have a kid

I want to coach baseball so bad yeah the thing is with me is like I don't want to have a losing record I have to miss some games, I'll have an assistant. But I want to coach. I want to coach. That's, like, half the reason I want to have a kid. I want to coach baseball so bad. Yeah, the thing is with me is, like, I don't want to have a losing record. I want to be 500 or better because it'll bug me. I somehow see Versi coming up against the parents board. No, because it would bother me if my daughter knew that we had a losing record. Like, if we were, like, three and six, it would bug me. Could you bench a kid? At what age could you bench a kid?

I would never bench a kid there's a guy in our district who screams at kids and they're like great players are just afraid and he does it for his ego he wants to win I would never do that I would be very positive but if a kid was like real dog shit

like if a kid sucked and it was like clearly the reason why our team was being weighed down I would like work with him extra in a thing I would be like I will work into it it's not what i asked you but you said at what age i mean well bench how bench like ah you fucked it up or bench like all right just come cool off for a minute like there's like two different benching no you mean bill means no get out you're out sit down all right what are you doing what are you doing yeah we worked hard all weekend you're fucking it up. When do you start holding somebody accountable? There's a guy that does that with fourth grade.

Yeah. There's a guy that does fourth grade girls. And he goes, what are you doing? What are you doing? My friend was just telling me. He goes, what are you doing? You're out. Fourth grade girls.

What are you doing? You're out. Get out. Get out. It's like Bartnick telling the band to wrap up. No. Well, you know, a coach did that to my daughter and it became a scene. Yeah, it should be.

Because there's like three seconds left in the half, and my daughter got the rebound and threw an outlet pass, but didn't hit the right kid. And he got up and screamed like Bobby Knight. Oof. And I fucking made a beeline to him across the whole court. Because I don't sit with other people. My wife cut me off and goes, just go home.

Just go home. I'll handle it. Like he was almost, my wife saved his life. I literally, she saved his life. Because I went home and my wife goes, I've already, and my wife goes, I've already handled it. She's going to be on a different team next week. And she was literally like hardened. Everybody wanted her because she was so good.

She was good. And she got on a better team with the best coach ever. They had the best season. And yeah. But literally, it was like the second week. My gym teacher yelled at me fucking more than half these fucking coaches today. Oh, but the coaches love because I would always tell the coaches, like, you can yell at her. Like, go ahead.

Like, yeah, that's what she's here for. Yeah, but not Bobby Knight yell. No, no, no. It was fucking ridiculous what he did. Over the top. What he did. Over the top. What he did. But I'm always like, and that's why the parents like me, or the other coaches like me, because I'm like, yeah, you can yell at her. That's the whole point.

Get her better. Toughen her up. But here's what I didn't understand, because she's a girl. I didn't understand if it was like, how most of the coaches were really soft. Not this guy was just an asshole, but like other coaches were pretty soft. were really soft. Not this guy was just an asshole. But other coaches were pretty soft. I didn't know if it was because she's a girl

if it's 2015 or we're in California. I didn't know why everyone wasn't like when we were kids. When it was like, water? Were you a pussy? Run some more! I didn't know

why it was yeah yeah why they were being so light yeah yeah because when i even when i played like sports or football it was like you do what they're on hills go run hills yeah you're just running hills like you just ran every time something's wrong you ran yeah i don't see that now i yeah i you know they have water breaks they have water breaks a lot well people would die I mean there is shit that's good it's not all bad that they no I mean I understand like I mean every year every fucking two towns somebody dies a heat stroke in fucking Texas every July it seemed when we were growing up when they would do like the two-a-day football practices

um so there is aspects of it that were better but then when uh there is something now with that whole um just like just everybody's just all about their feelings and every moment is about them and their feelings and then how you have to then just fucking everybody's just to stop and their feelings are okay and you're okay to have that feeling and then somebody has to lose their fucking job or their position or their career or they have to make some slobbering fucking apology to you um that's i don't know about that shit um it makes america soft is what it does they said that if you don't learn lessons as a kid then adult adulthood's very very tough i mean that's true yeah if you don't learn uh hey, you know, everybody has to lose

to know how to win. And unless you're coached by Paul Verzi, then you'll never lose. Well, you might. It'll be 500. I learn about how to live life every time I hang out with him.

Just yesterday, I was telling my wife about that. Is there anything better than having nothing to do? I always have something to do. I want to have a day where I have nothing to do. I told him that yesterday

when I woke up. And have that fucking look on his face he had yesterday. Just sitting there. He had a stick in his mouth. I woke up and I told Joe, I go, all day we're just gonna chill out. We're gonna be with our friends. We're gonna eat burgers. And we're gonna have sticks.

And we're gonna watch playoffs. And we're just gonna, there's nothing to do today. Wait, what did you say? Are you drinking today? I go, and there's nothing to do today. What did you say when you were like, are you drinking today? I go, what did you say? Oh, that was great, dude. Because, oh, dude, Joe goes, yeah, so we'll have some drinks now, and then we'll go to the store, and I'll get some stuff, and we'll make Manhattans later, and then we'll do something tonight.

And I go, oh, I don't know if I want to drink all day. You're going to drink all day? And he goes, well, I mean, I'm drinking. He goes, well, if I say I'm drinking today, I'm drinking all day. And you're going to drink all day. And he goes, well, I mean, I'm drinking. He goes, well, if I say I'm drinking today, I'm drinking all day. I'm drinking. No, the best is Joe. Joe really made me feel like a pussy.

I've never seen, like, there are people in life that are just tougher. Joe goes, you want to go down and get a coffee? And I go, yeah, I'll go for a walk, get a coffee. He goes, all right, man, let me just go upstairs and knock out these 500 push-ups. And then I'll be, and I was like, dude, I'm doing, like go upstairs and knock out these 500 push-ups and then i'll be and i was like dude i'm doing like 10 jumping jacks 10 push-ups and he did fucking 500 of them sets of what uh either 10 sets of 50 or like uh 120 180 and then i i either do

50s or hundreds usually jesus i've never done 100 in a row in my life. I think the most I've ever done in a row is like 60. Sometimes if I'm in a hurry, if I can do like 130 real quick in a row, then I'm done for the day. Dude, I get to like. You still do that 225 thing? No, I lost that when I was like 44, 45. It didn't happen.

Dude, this kid used to do the NFL combine shit. He'd sit down with 225 and he would put it up like 20 times. Every year on my birthday, I would do it 20 times just to know even if I was the biggest piece of shit, especially in San Francisco, I would still go to the gym on my birthday or the day before and just see if I could pound that 225 20 times. Just like, okay.

I mean, that's like fucking NFL shit, dude. Like pumping that up 10, 20 times. Dude, I used to play pickup hockey with him, and each week he was getting a little faster, and he was going by you. It was like a great white was in the water. He'd go by you, and you would feel wind. I was just going like,

there's going to be, we got about another three games, and this guy is going to fucking kill somebody. Somebody's going to be fucking plastered in the wall. Yeah. I mean, this is the only guy I know that like walked off a heart attack. You walked, you were the, he was literally. I watched him pass kidney stones at a fucking tailgate.

He just leaned on the truck. It's like, wait a minute. It's one of those painful things. They equate it to like a woman's like giving labor. And people like, I talked to dudes who were like, they were screaming in pain in hospital passing a kidney stone. Oh, it hurt. were screaming in pain in hospital passing a kidney. Oh it hurt. It hurt. He didn't make a noise. He just sat there leaning against the

truck and then it was done and he's like alright let's go. I felt so much better after that too. I bet. Imagine I was sitting in the porta potty and I had like 15 beers in me and nothing was coming out of me and I'm like this is fucking nuts. And remember you're like you go to the hospital. I'm like. beers in me and nothing was coming out of me. And I'm like, this is fucking nuts.

And remember, you're like, you go to the hospital. I'm like, you because you were sitting there. You're like, I'm not doing too good. And your buddy was like, nah, he's fine. I'm like, they say when you can't piss, it might be a sign of something. Like, yeah. And I was like, I was dehydrated. But that one, the heart attack, I walked off.

The biggest thing I really walked off. There's a miracle was when I got in that car wreck before we went on the bus tour. Me and my wife both walked away from that thing. Oh, yeah. He got rear-ended, this guy. He just showed up to that dinner. He had a concussion.

We went out. We got a steak dinner. And then, like, after we were done, he's like, you guys want to get something to eat? We're like, dude, we just had a steak dinner.

He didn't remember. Oh, you're kidding. Yeah, you were concussed. Yeah, we were like, what the fuck? Oh, because I remember because the true story was that And then our other buddy

had the runs and he wouldn't shut up about it. He's like, I can't get through this shit. I don't know if I can make the game. No, because we did a seven, we did like a seven, six, whatever. We did like two spins, went down a little bit of ditches, where the 110 and the 110 splits from the 134. Right there.

We downloaded the ravine. And then all of a sudden, so I call it a cab, because I'm like, I can't miss this. I can't miss the Notre Dame game. Notre Dame, USC. Notre Dame, USC. I'm not missing this. So get there.

The cab driver's super cool. Flies. Flies me in. The two Southwest guys are super cool because he comes up and goes, this guy just hit the car wreck. He's going to make his plane. So boom, boom. They got me the pass.

The pass. Everybody on security. Got through there. I had a layover in denver i i i had a layover denver but i but i or salt lake city there was a buddy of mine keith barony com old school comic was was with was he was in la he saw me on the plane right he's like blah blah blah blah then I saw him in Chicago I forgot there was a layover Yeah, you were cook. I was like. I just forgot he goes he goes. I remember we stopped in Denver, or it's always say I go Hi We did I remember getting off the plane that was kind of scary

And then that's what it was cuz then we went at this and I these guys helped me get my suitcase Down the steps in the L in Chicago. And I waited for you guys to come. We went to the steakhouse. And I remember, I'm eating steak. And I'm looking right at Verzi and right at Bill. And I'm like, am I just in heaven? Because everything was white in the steakhouse.

Yeah, I remember. What do you do for that? What do you do for that? There's nothing. His brain is bruised. He's just. And I'm just like, I'm eating steak. And then you guys are going out for drinks. I think I'm just going to go back

to the room. Yeah, we should have got you checked out. The guy was in a full-fledged car wreck. The car was total. I had a nice rental for two months. I hope that car never... Only Joe Bartnick would be in a car wreck and fucking go, I got a gig.

I can't miss. I've got to get to Chicago. Notre Dame, USC. Hey, that bus tour was the best three weeks of my life. I'd still be on that bus tour. Do you remember that bus tour we did? I just love that one bus tour we had. We had this ritual. Every day we'd drink one cold beer on the bus in the middle of the day.

Yeah, that was it. And just have the best fucking nap. Miller High Life. We'd have a sandwich, watch the hockey highlights, have a Miller High Life, take a nap, wake up, Newtown. Newtown, yeah. You guys would always be up first, and then I'd walk in around 11. I'd walk in the main cabin at like 11, and they would just be sitting there with hockey on. And I would always be the last one to wake up.

It's amazing how hard you sleep. Not you. I mean us. You. Us. Whatever the you is. On a bus. It's amazing how those beds.

You're just dead to the world. It's like that's a blackout door. Until they hit the side, and it goes brrrr on the side of the highway. You're like, oh, fuck. We're going to be that tour bus that goes over. That one driver, dude, I'm not going to mention names. I didn't like this fucking guy from the fucking moment I laid eyes on him. I go, this guy's a fucking... Selfish fucking asshole.

Somebody goes, easy. He goes, we're not even a quarter of a tank. Get him, Bers. He hates this guy. I go, no, I know. You totally called that guy. I knew, man. Because I said, hey, man, can we get a Cracker Barrel?

He's like, absolutely. Next thing you know, we pull in a truck stop. And we passed it. Yeah. Yeah. And he's nothing like good old trucker food. Because he wanted to fill up. He just wanted to have his day done. His job was getting us from point A to point B.

And this fucking asshole was not stopping. He was a selfish cunt. And I was too nice to him in the beginning. I invited him to eat with us before I realized he was cool. Because our first bus driver, Steve, was the shit. Was appreciative. The greatest guy ever. He was like cool because our first bus driver Steve was the shit the greatest guy ever he was like I'm the bus driver

I should hang back come on man we're going to Waffle House come on in we hung out with him so I just assumed all bus drivers were cool and this guy wasn't

most of them were cool remember the guy had his like you guys come golf with us I've played a few times he pulls out like this James Bond

scope on his the guy played scratch golf. Pulls his bag out. You play... He was like, get smart. He was like, get smart. That guy put on a... I love that guy.

That guy put on a clinic. Remember, I had jeans and a... I had jeans and like a... What, Adidas tracksuit? Ber jeans and like a uh what adidas tracks versi looked like a mafia don that's gonna turn into condos like he was like witness protection but can't hold it hey he knew where his money was at he's like i'm gonna do this this and this and this and then the adidas gear he looked like he was just like yeah he looked he was going to buy a bacon egg and cheese and me and you didn't give a fuck about the game we're just whacking around

drinking beers and you and lawhead we're playing the game. We're just whacking around, drinking beers, and you and Lawhead were playing the masters against each other. And we'd be like, that's a gimme, that's a gimme. Without talking about it. Like, because Lawhead and I played, and Lawhead would hit it bad, and then like start another, and Joe would just go, go.

And I'd be in the car, and I'd go, you know, that's not really a gimme. You know, me and Jay just had the competitive thing. Oh, it was so funny. And then he was, and I just wanted to get back to the hotel and take a nap and smoke some weed. So I'm like, eh, that's not really a gimme. You know, me and Jay just had the competitive thing. Oh, it was so funny. And then he was, and I just wanted to get back to the hotel and take a nap and smoke some weed. So I'm like, eh, it's a gimme, Jay. And he said that six feet away.

Fuck that. Guy's in a sand trap. Oh, give it to him. I got beers to drink. Pick that up. Pick that up. I got beers to drink. Because my dad's the king of that, too.

Because, you know, I'm just like, he's just like, let's go. Pick it up. I'll give you a seven. Keep it moving. I don't have a pencil. I'm not even keeping score. Hey, we're getting to the end of it here. Do you have anything that we're promoting coming up?

Well, Puck Off, if you like hockey, please listen to Puck Off. And, you know, we're doing a special. Yeah, we got to. In Chicago. Yeah. Boom. All things comedy got produced. please listen to Puck Off and we're doing a special in Chicago boom all things comedy got to produce the long awaited hour long special from the Rose Bowl's tailgate legend

Joe Barty if you've never seen his stand up okay and you don't like this sort of new touchy feely era that we're in where everybody gets this is the guy for you. And if you are easily ruffled... If you're easily ruffled, you might want to...

You might want to watch the other 10,000 specials that you could fucking watch. Wait, but one thing we got to talk about before we get out of here. I got really emotional the other night. I got really emotional. I really had to talk to you guys about this. He gets emotional.

I got emotional, dude. I almost started to cry because like when it comes to, you know, like inspiration or when it comes to just, you know, being better as a person and feeling like you've got will to move on. Sure. And I don't know if you caught it, but it was game one of the Nets Bucks. And I got to tell you, man, it was like, there was like no way I thought they were going to pull it off, you know? And I was watching it and I was like, yeah, man, this might be the end of the run.

You know, this might be the end of the run. They got out of the first round, you know? And that was touching enough. Like, you know, that was like, oh, if the movie ended now, you know? And then I got to tell you something, dude, they're dribbling down and all of a sudden, fuck, I see Durant. They were double my. He kicked it to Kyrie.

Kyrie missed it. And then fucking Blake Griffin comes down almost from the foul line, dunked it with two hands. And they ended up winning by 40. And I was just like, this is anything. This is like, I can't believe we're watching this. I saw that game. It was heart-stopping. Heart-stopping excitement.

Yeah, so I want everybody to know there's something going on in sports right now that you need to take note of, even if you're not a fan. Because it was like, you know, I told Lucas that night, I go, you can be anything. Who would have thought? That's what I love about it. I love a team that comes out of nowhere. Like, who thought at the beginning of the season that if you had Kevin Durant,

Kyrie Irving, Bill Costner. James Harden. Oh, James Harden, that other guy. If you get them all on the same team, they would even make the playoffs. Yeah, because they're not doing it with five Hall of Famers. They're doing it with three. Yeah, three and a half. You know what I mean? They're not doing it with five first ballot Hall of Famers.

They're doing it with three. And there's only one ball. That's what makes it even more amazing. That's actually, I didn't even think of that point. There's only one ball. That's what makes it even more amazing. That's actually, I didn't even think of that point. There's only one ball they're playing. So they're playing by the normal rules. Listen, that, you know, the NBA that I saw was exciting when I was growing up. But this year, this Brooklyn thing, I mean, this transcends sports.

It is just so amazing to watch these Hall of Famers dunking on those other people, whoever the fuck they are. It is just so amazing to watch these Hall of Famers dunking on those other people, whoever the fuck they are. It's just incredible. When my mother beat stage four cancer, okay, Dana Farber came out with something and she fucking beat it. And it was like against all odds. And now this.

You never thought you'd see anything that would top that. How much more of this, like how much does this happen in life? So it's like, could you imagine if they won? People still question if there's a higher power. Yeah. You know? Yeah. If you're really questioning your faith, you have to see what these upstart Brooklyn Nets are doing.

This is some of the most exciting basketball. You know? Yeah. I'm actually betting them tonight. I'm laying 52. Are you? Yeah. It's going to be on the edge of my seat.

I didn't see. I don't even have the courage to do that. I don't even know what the line is. I believe them in so much. I'm giving the other team 75 points. And I think that they're going to cover. Who wants a nail biter? I don't watch sports to be entertained.

I want to see. That's why I love watching, you know, world economics. I love seeing a country with the bomb. Yeah. Just going after some, like, impoverished country and just dropping it on them and just letting them know, we have better stuff than you. I mean, Joe, you know, you've watched exciting sports. I mean, what's it like watching a team up 36 in the fourth?

It's like, where is this going to go? It's fantastic. I love vamping. I hate the stress of when it's close. Just let me know who's going to win in the first eight minutes. I like knowing what's going to be next on Resilient Isles

on TNT. I'm always like, what is Resilient Isles going to be going on? No, that's so funny. Speaking of TNT, or I don't think it's on TNT. I'm always like, what is Resilient Isles going to be going on? No, that's so funny. Speaking of TNT, or I don't think it's on TNT, do they have to show the last five seasons of Law & Order? There's 15 good years. Just show those.

I hate when you turn it on and it's freaking St. Bernard and that Lupo character. Like, shut the fuck up. I'm going to see Jerry Orbeck. The Pauly version's good. And the old ones, and then the Pauly ones going to see Jerry Orbeck. The Pauly version's good. And the old ones, and then the Pauly ones, and then Jerry Orbeck. And that's it.

And Farine is good. After that, shut the fuck up. You've only got 30 years to pick from. You're going to pick the shitty ones? Yeah. How much fucking money are they? Buh, buh, buh, buh. That amount of fucking money.

I saw a billboard with what's-his-face, the Italian guy. What's his last name? Yeah, Mulroney. Whatever it is. i saw it was like uh it was a new one law and order like organized crime it's terrible i'm going i'm like this guy's gonna have the biggest house in la this guy's been getting like 15 grand a week for the last like he's been on he's on tv for like five straight no dude they put him on the big screen at the garden when i took lucas and the place went nuts for him like the guy is just on TV every day.

That's disturbing. I like regular Law & Order. I don't like Deep Six Nine, Sex and the Sexy Crime thing. I was so- It's disturbing. That one, that sex unit one is disturbing. I always thought that. I never watched it.

I don't want to watch people talking about getting molested. Yeah, and my buddy Gino watches it on a loop all day long. It's like, how is that on tnt at eight in the morning yeah yeah they have to beep out the special victim yeah but yeah they have to beep out the word like ass from like smoky and the bandit too it's like everyone's getting like yeah it's just off like i'm waking up like why am i waking up this is terrible drink my coffee to this i don't want to see this yeah just give me back to the murders and the stabbings. Yeah, exactly. And it was being fucking Uncle Touchy. Yeah.

Oh, man, this was fun. Is there anything better than doing this in person for the first time? I could get used to this. With Joe Bartnick? I don't think so. Joe B., come and drink in a champagne right here? No, these are waters, Joe. These are water. Yeah, I'm like Dean Martin. Oh, these are like water. Hey, Dean's birthday was

yesterday. Salute to the coolest man ever. Dean Martin. Dean Martin. Dino Crochetti. Another great man from Ohio. Stupid, stupid Bill's own. Guys, please like, review, rate anything better. It makes the show go up.

Thank you for all the positive feedback. And, you know, spread the word, man. The show is doing great. We really appreciate it. This week, well, Saturday, you guys, this comes out on Saturday, so you'll know Saturday, but I'll be at the Vulcan Gas Company Saturday night at 7.30 in Austin,

Texas. My Salt Lake City dates at the end of the month might be getting moved. You can check paulverzi.com. I'll post that. July 23rd, I'll be at the Fairfield Community Theater in Fairfield, Connecticut, and doing my first theater at the Wilbur in Boston, October 22nd. Go to my

YouTube channel. Please like and subscribe there. Go to the Anything Better YouTube channel. Like and subscribe there. Got the puck off with Joe Bartnick and Frazier Smith. If we're plugging dates, I'm doing Rec Room in Huntington Beach next two Saturdays. Tonight, when it's coming out,

the next Saturday after that, at the Ventura Comedy Club, August 13th, 14th, 15th. And I got some good ones coming up. And Red Rocks, Sunday, bloody fucking Sunday. Oh, there you go. Red Rocks, which? October or September? It's on a Thursday.

September. Go check out Joe's two dates. I'm going to pull a Bono and wear this. Edge, play the blues. Check out. Yeah two dates. I'm going to pull a Bono and wear this. Edge, play the blues. Check out. Yeah, check out. Bill's just got a show announced at Foxwoods Casino August 16th or 18th, I think. But pre-sale will have been over.

But tickets just will be available. Yes. And check out. Make sure you check out, if you like hockey, Joe Bartnick's Puck Off. Or Mustaches. Go see him the next couple of weeks. Check out the Verzi Effect hockey, Joe Bartnick's puck off. Or mustaches. Go see him the next couple of weeks. Check out the Verzi Effect podcast, the Monday morning podcast. Go to all our YouTube stuff.

Like, subscribe, and we will be back next week. We'll talk to you guys soon. Take care. Thank you.