Anything Better? - Can't Slip A Punch

Episode Date: January 30, 2021

Bill Burr and Paul Virzi go on record about NFL playoffs, Bill's fighting abilities, and rude waiters.   produced by Andrew Themeles @themeles and All Things Comedy

what's up everybody and welcome to episode two we want to thank everybody who enjoyed episode one so much with the reviews please leave reviews and check out anything better where you get all podcasts itunes spotify uh like subscribe give ratings and i'd like to start episode two off by saying is there anything better than thinking you're gonna be down two honey to your good friend on championship sunday and then breaking even because bill i am not gonna lie to you dude after that beating that was not beating but when the the the loss that rogers and them took after all the shit i talked i go dude if i go oh and two after episode oh my god that's right you said he'd have to have a freaking stroke to not make it put the house on it and then what i did on the KC game was I bet with my heart.

I bet with my heart on both of them. I had to bet. I can't bet against Tom Brady. He can't do it. Why would you do it? And then I just went with the Bills because, you know, I like the people of Buffalo. I like the people of Kansas City, but they got their ring.

So, you know, I got to root for those guys, you know, to experience, you know. Drink some champagne when you're happy rather than when you're sad. I never do this. And you know I'm not an excuse maker, okay? I'm not an excuse maker. Oh. I'm not an excuse maker. This one stung, Paul.

This one stung. I thought there was a holding call. I thought there was defensive holding on Devontae Adams with holding the jersey that they froze on a little bit. I think Aikman or Buck was saying it too, and they let go, which I'm fine with. I'm fine with that if they let the guys play. But when it's inconsistent like that, dude,

and Rodgers never usually freaks out. Rodgers was freaking out. Listen, am I a little bitter? Is it a little bit of sour grapes? That's bullshit. Yeah. They let him play, and I love that they let him play. When they finally threw the flag, the fucking guy was stretching his jersey for like three yards.

That judge was 40 yards away. He could fucking see it. Because when they first called that, I was like, I said, what the fuck? And I had money on Tampa, and I was like, said, what the fuck? And I had money on Tampa. And I was like, dude, what the fuck? You can't call that. Because it was the angle they kept showing. You couldn't see anything.

But then when they showed that one where he grabbed it and it just kept going, I was like, I feel like he would have let him get away with a third of that. Well, that's the problem with having the T-shirt under the jersey, like over their ass. They got the T-shirt and the guy just grabbed it.'s that's why they saw that so what could you do you know what they saw it paul because he did it and then didn't let go wearing a t-shirt isn't a problem you can you can wear a t-shirt in the nfl i'll tell you what i didn't like was that jump ball Brady threw. The safety is right there.

He's going to intercept it. And then the wide receiver comes in and just slams into him, bumps him out of the way, and gets the ball. The defender does that. That's pass interference. A wide receiver totally has the right to just push the other guy out of the way, like bump into him. I know they can't push off.

They occasionally call that but like to me that was just clearly offensive pass interference and they showed it in slow motion the safety's like this and the guy just jumps into him and catches the ball like those are the things there's that and then running backs going into a hole or right before contact, lowering their head down to their waist, and then they get a helmet to helmet. My thing is if you're going to lower your fucking head like that, at that point it's like you have accepted the risk of possibly getting a concussion. And the way it's like bang, bang,

and everybody now has all these moves and these spin moves and all of that, I saw that in that fucking Clemson game when they played Ohio State where that kid came in to hit the quarterback. He's leading with his shoulder, and then all of a sudden the quarterback spins, and Paul, he hits him with his helmet in the fucking ribs. Yeah, I remember that. They said targeting. He hit him in the fucking ribs.

I saw that. I know. What is he supposed to do? It's like you show it in slow motion. It's just like, oh, yeah, right there. Yeah. What I would have done was I would have stopped. You wouldn't have. You would have kept going.

In super slow motion. And here's the thing, too. The one that you said that really gets me is when a guy lowers his head to the pile on to get a touchdown, when he's doing that head first, is the defender supposed to put his foot out like is it just stand up and get run over what are you supposed to do no if he goes head first the defender should be able to go ahead first to block it and you know what that's that's the listen dude you chose the game that's the list this is the life we chose okay it's if you

listen if i go into the nfl and i know there's a chance for that, dude, if a guy's going in low, he's going to get hit low. You know there's a chance you might go into the NFL? Because you'd believe that. Listen, oh, my God. Paul, you already told me that because of all these dopes going for two-point conversions in the second quarter that you could coach in the NFL and win because you just kicked the field goal. I said I'd keep us in the game better yeah I think so I actually believe

that if you gave me a game or two Paul the level of disrespect that's like somebody at work gets a couple of jokes in around the water bubble and now they think they're ready to put out a special I think what else was bullshit was them getting on that Packers coach about not going for it on fourth and goal. And it's just like, oh, so we're just going to let the Hail Mary at halftime go? We're going to let the fumble go where you gave Brady a short field? They gave the Buccaneers 14. Well, you don't give anybody anything. They still had to do it.

But they essentially served up 14 points on a platter. That's not the head coach. But all these mouth-breathing morons, they watched the end of the game. Like, the first 58 minutes didn't fucking count. And then they're just like, all right, yeah, that's the reason they lost. You know what I would have done?

Yeah, well, you know what? And then everybody assuming that if they went for it, they automatically would have fucking made it. That's my point. The point is, if you miss it there, this is what the coach was doing. He was just the game if they miss that there then it's really done so so you know listen i don't blame i don't defense go out and stop the fucking guys and they didn't the defense didn't stop them they stopped them and then um because they already

fucked up where they slid with two minutes and two seconds left and they gave the packers an extra time out yeah i mean they they were serving it up on a fucking platter for for green bay to come back but they didn't stop them didn't stop them credit to bucks defense man the bucks defense even after the brady turnovers the bucks defense, and that kid, 45, fucking animal. Dude, that team is going into the Super Bowl. We got to give our picks next week. Oh, we can't give them now. We've already know which way we're going.

You can't lay off a favorite, and I love an underdog and Tom Brady. I mean, I think everybody listening to this knows I'm going Chiefs and you're going Bucs. I mean, who are we kidding? I know. I know. Dude. I got to be honest with you. I have to really try and separate Patrick Mahomes

from what people say about him because he's starting to bug me and he hasn't even done anything. I am so sick, Paul, of those fucking underhanded little lobs that are like a half a yard and then they go, oh, of those fucking underhanded little lobs that are like a half a yard. And then they go, oh, did you fucking see that? Or the stupid no look three yard pass.

Dude, Magic Johnson threw the fucking ball farther than that on a basketball court. The guy's like right where my fucking chair is. And he goes like, I can do that. I can watch an episode of my favorite show And no look it over to my daughter Sitting fucking two cushions away We take it down They haven't done that in a minute

But when he first came out I feel like the NFL was freaking out Like oh my god Peyton just left How long is Brady going to be around They have to have their stars Okay Kind of like how the NBA, the NBA is like that. Like they just, you know, their dream matchup is Lakers versus Lakers.

They don't give a fuck about the cities. An NFL pass should be fine. An NFL, oh, I love it. Oh, I love it. Billy's coming in hot today. Oh, no. Billy's coming in hot on episode two. NBA who is like I swear to god

I don't know what it is, an oligarchy? Is that what you call that? There's like three fucking teams that can buy They can get everybody in the league And then all these fucking Pseudo champs want to go to And everybody fucking piles on I say this all the time

And I fucking don't understand why it doesn't bother anybody else Who wants to watch eight of the best guys play eight of the fucking worst guys? What was it, five on teams? There you go, five and five. I don't want to watch that. I mean, you've got different numbers in the sport. I love it. Yeah, no, I hear you.

It was 11 guys on a fucking team. I think that an NFL pass should be five yards or more i think the pelican should be making a fucking run right now with anthony davis and zion well then you could say that about the oklahoma city thunder i have said that about them yeah yeah yeah i know you don't listen to me now now now list now look at all these rats in brooklyn they all imagine the jordan doc the last dance imagine that if the place where he couldn't get past the piston instead of working out and elevating his game he just joined the pistons oh that'd be brutal that's gonna be brutal that's why there's

not gonna be a 20 part fucking thing on on some of these other guys i'm not gonna name any names because i know these are real people and they're going to get fucking upset with me. And I'm a little old man in a fucking Irish sweater. Like the sweater, by the way. I know. I didn't like how you said I like the ones with like the ripples. It's a fucking it's called the jumper. Oh, sorry.

All the way Ireland. Yeah. I mean, look, don't fuck. It's a silly and Greek. I'm sorry. I'm all in the country. Yeah, I mean, look, dude, I'm fucking Sicilian Greek. I'm sorry.

Fucking olive skinned country. I'm going out in the sun and the sun likes you. You should just wear those. You should just wear those every episode and I'll wear a white velour. I'll wear a white velour jacket and you wear Irish sweaters every episode. Dude, I'm going to be 53 years old this year i am officially in sweater soup years dude you look fantastic by the way i had my physical today i went there nervous hopped on the fucking scale i'm down 12 and a half pounds dude and i go i go are you serious i said are you serious and she goes working though yeah yeah no but i guess it's

just i am i'm eating right i actually learned i actually did what you told me bill it only took me five years are you telling me read up on nutrition all of those fucking workout like ellipticals and all that shit i mean i still use them they're a crutch they're a crutch for your bad eating the reality is is what those things are really what they do in the short run is they help you out but in the long run they wear out your joints but you're sitting there doing this for a fucking hour it's just like why don't you lay off the donuts you dumb cunt have some fucking broccoli and sit on the couch and put your feet up so your knees are gonna last you you're not gonna be like the bionic man when you're 58. Dude, how funny is this?

She goes, oh, you're down 12 and a half pounds. And I go, you serious, dude? Did you do it right? I said, did you do it right? Bill, I swear to God, I go, did you do it right? And the doctor heard from the office. And the doctor just started to laugh, dude. I go, no, because I want to make sure you locked it in the right section um well they measured you did you make sure you stood on

your tiptoes a little bit so you got the five seven i swear on my children they told me i was five eight on the button that's a big thing in paul versi's world i'm five eight you always take me down a half an inch because i don't buy it dude i'm five nine and three quarters and i look right over the horizon your head anytime we're hanging out i don't know i don't know i see the roundness of the world when we're smoking a stick i'll give it to you paul do you you got a lot of heart i'll give you those that extra inch and a half i think you're i think you're just shy of five seven no you just took me down more five'8 by the end of this podcast who are you trying to scare Paul with that extra inch

who are you trying to scare Paul you want to be your real height because then you cross over this kid's got a sick fucking J Bill I promise you I took my sneakers off and they literally go wow right at the 5'8 line. I'm 5'8.

On the license. All right. Okay. Not that that matters. Dr. Vinny Boombatz. I was thinking about something, and I don't know if you remember this, and I had to tell this story because the listeners will love this. Bill and I went to New Orleans, Mondayay night football against the mike vick eagles oh we're having a

great time lsu in alabama first time i'm ever in that building it's loud as hell it was amazing we get hammered and we're walking out and i don't know if you remember this but I told you that I can throw a college football 55 yards and I could throw like an NFL football 50 or something and you go no you can't on the way out I think the numbers were a little higher uh whatever it was it was you were drunk dude you were drunk you were feeling five nine you were strutting out of that fucking stadium and you were talking shit well you're a cunt I should have just let you do it but i had to be so but a guy do you remember the guy do you remember the guy the guy a guy sees us and the guy goes oh we just started talking to a guy and he goes we're like yeah we're staying over down there by the harrah's or whatever and he

goes oh you guys want a ride and it was far so we go yeah we'll take a ride and then bill starts going brucey you ain't fucking throwing a football and i'm like and i'm drunk so i probably added 10 15 yards of what i could do and i start and i start going yes i can let's get we'll get a football and the guy just started to get further and further away from us until he ultimately just disappeared. I forgot about that. He peeled off. And you know what? Shout out to him.

He made the right move. What a good dude, right? What a good dude. Yeah. Like he was trying to help us out like a good fellow American. And then what? Then once he realized that we were a couple of jerk-offs. He doesn't want that in his car.

He then was literally like, all right, you know, I thought these were people worthy of being nice to. Obviously they're not. And now I choose myself. That guy either had a healthy childhood or did a lot of work in therapy. I'm just getting to that level now, Paul. You said the next- Five, nine, three quarters, Paul.

Five, nine, three quarters. You said the next- If I was you, I'd say I'm 5'11". No, you should say you're- If I was you, I'd say 5'10". It's nice. It's just a cleaner number. Dude, you said the next day you go,

that guy was right. The last thing that guy would want was our two dumbasses in the back of his car talking about how far we could throw a football while being hammered after a game where his team just lost oh yeah oh that was right because they lost to the eagles and then all the fucking eagles fans were up on the show you tits balconies what can you yell now with political correctness what What do you yell up there? Oh, that play Eagles fans traveled big. They were okay with you. Could I see your mammary glands? I'm not trying to say you're materialistic, but I will give you these plastic beads. You know, they're just going to end up in the ocean. It's good for the environment.

Show your tits with your consent. Dude, do you remember the voodoo guy? Remember the guy that's sitting in the bar and he started, he was just like, he looked like a guy that didn't want to be fucked with. And he was talking to me for a second and he was cool. And then another guy walked over. What made him voodoo? There was nothing voodoo about him he just was fucking nuts new orleans yeah yeah but yeah what about the voodoo guy he was just sitting there dressed like

me what made him weird was he was sitting there fucking talking to himself rocking you said voodoo you know voodoo is like a legit religion that white people just made into all this fucking craziness with like chicken feet and all that shit do you know somebody just told me that and i didn't even look it up to see if it's true and now i'm telling it to you do you know that do you know that 90 of the shit that i say is exactly that do you know that paul do i know that you hear it once and you believe it oh my god if it's what i want to hear i believe it is there anything better um i'll tell you i got it is there anything better i got one for you is there anything better smoking his

afternoon stick on your back porch your wife and kids went to go run an errand and that last leaf blower shuts off and you still got half a stick left. Oh, nothing. That's a good one. Feet were up, Paul. Feet were up. Legs were crossed. Is there anything shit to myself? I got one for you. Oh, is there anything shit to myself? I got one for you. I got one for you. Is there anything better than having a couple honey on a football game? And the offense that you bet on is flying, throwing bombs and you're just watching it. There's not who, by the way, who doesn't like a little juice? I got friends that don't like action or juice. And it's like are you not listen oh dude i don't want to get into that you know it's like i don't i don't need that i just enjoy the game it's like put 25 bucks on it you fucking girl have a good time you know what i

mean i know but that's what it happens have a drink have a good time there's some people can't handle it paul i can't handle it dude i i fucking like i have money on the game by the second quarter i'm talking about the Federal Reserve. I think the whole league is against me. I think the TV is watching me. Every guy that I know that bets on sports thinks every game is fixed because they can't get their ego around the fact that somebody is better at math than them and has crunched these fucking odds

and you're just going to lose i do think this and i've told you this over the years i do believe the nba is manipulated for a narrative and i do think it's not a it's not a fucking it's nba they're all businesses the n, I would say the best-run business right now is the NFL as far as the fact that, you know, anybody can win. Any team could just pop up out of nowhere. Right. And everybody has a chance. They don't have, like, the, you know, NBA is like Delta Airlines

where they got everybody, like, segregated, where it's like Delta, Delta Medallion. Troops, mothers, people with hoodies. And they just have everybody. And it just works its way all the way up to essentially, I don't know, like two or three teams. And I don't know, dude. It's the, this is the bitch years in the NBA. It just is, dude. It's like you can't beat them, join them.

It's everything that is fucking wrong with competition dude that thing you said one time where you're like did you hear kairi's going to florida that's that was so fucking true and funny it's like oh yeah the off season on espn it sounds like it sounds like a gossip page well i heard nobody likes chris bosh and so and so is going to pair up with him. And they're going to leave that other guy out. And me? Yeah.

What are they going to fucking do in Golden State? Who gives a fuck? Yeah. Who gives a fuck? Dude, here's the thing about you. I will be in a plane with you with turbulence. Here's the thing about Bill Burtt. When anything is big big the guy is who

you want in a foxhole i'm going to tell you something dude if we were in nazi germany and we were in a foxhole i want to be with you you'd be like no dude we're going to stay down here dude we're going to be fine right i've been in planes with you where these motherfuckers and we're going to enjoy it yes dude i've been on a plane with you with a lot of turbulence and i'm like writing my will in my notes on iPhone And you're like air drumming, you know, like he's just fucking air drumming and shit He's just and I'm just going like he's a guy. It's fine. It's the balance. It's you know anything with you big God forbid you tell bill like we're drunk in a bar one time

We got drunk in a bar and I told him I didn't mind like excessive celebration if it was for a championship By the end of the night, I was like was like dude are we still friends oh yeah i didn't know if we were friends i don't drink anymore are we cool i swear to god that's what it is my house could burn down with everything in it other than the people i love and i'd be like it wasn't kind of cool to not own anything kind of feel light let's just start over again i mean all it was was shit people gonna have to deal with when we died anyway. It's like, why the fuck did he keep this paper mache fucking thing from the 70s? However, if my cord doesn't work before a podcast, I have a fucking meltdown.

I could be like, Bill, dude, they said I'm going to lose feeling in my left leg maybe forever. Bill would be like, no, you're not. You're going to go to physical therapy, dude. You're going to get myself. It's the technology. I'm like, all right, you'll make me feel good. You're good like that. That's how I got where the

fuck I am. Paul's sitting here behind a black screen with being a floating head. You think this was an accident? Dude, I'll tell you what I couldn't do the great thing though is if you try to be a self-made man is those those are tools that you learn now i need to learn those tools to let little shit go dude if i could let little shit go oh oh my wife oh let me tell you my wife she she said something to me oh she said something to me joking my wife and i

left her a five minute voicemail just talking shit about what the fuck she married and how lucky she was and i gotta tell you something dude she. She was crying, laughing. And she goes, I'm never deleting that message. Oh. And it was just, yeah. No, I was saying how beautiful you were. You know, I definitely did all that. But in the end, it said, so tomorrow morning, you're going to apologize to me. I'm going to get three scrambled eggs, two strips of bacon.

No, you didn't. Yep. And two pieces of bacon. No, you didn't. Yep. And two pieces of toast, white as my legs, and you're not going to say a fucking word about it. You understand me? You know what it is, Paul? They like it. Oh, dude.

The ladies like it. The ones who shave their legs, they like it, Paul. I'll tell them. The ones with the spider legs, they don't like it, Paul. Oh, no. It's not because they're strong. It's because they want to be you. They want to have their hand on your neck.

Let me tell you. Now you're getting me anxious. I'll bend you over. No, now you're getting me excited. Because I said, don't ever fucking talk to me. Nobody talks to me like that. I've said that. You have to.

You have to. At some point, you've got to draw a line. Yo, you know, Stacy. Stacy, me and you married tigers of course we did because god fuck god forbid we my wife i said this to her once this is a legendary line by my wife though i'm like stay you know stacy's got that you mentality go go put this here do everything right i go listen i go listen man we're gonna get there and we're gonna get there i go rome wasn't built in a day and she just goes yeah because i didn't build it just like wow it's a pretty good one and i was just pretty good that should be

that sounds like something denzel would say goes yeah because i didn't build it and i literally you know me usually i have enough because i didn't build it the whole theater goes nuts king kong ain't got nothing on me over Peter goes nuts. King Kong ain't got nothing on me. Over. I was like, touche, man. The way Denzel can elevate material is ridiculous. It's really ridiculous.

He's one of mine. If you sit there and think about the words, King Kong ain't got nothing on me, I'd be like, is this the final draft? You really want me to say that? King Kong ain't got nothing on me? And then he does it, right? And he's so good, the next day you're on the elliptical thinking,

King Kong ain't got nothing on me. You know what I mean? Think of the dumb shit you're saying. He's like, he could say could say dude how about pesh dude peshy needed to be in more that's my one thing about him is peshy did like a three or four of them and out man nah nah leave him wanting more that man understands the game he understands the game so he's so you know he's gonna leave with you wishing he did just one more that's exactly where you want to leave.

You don't want to overstay your welcome. Blame me, Paul. That's going to be in my autobiography someday. Overstaying his welcome. I shouldn't have said that last thing. I can't shut the heat off, man. I'm wearing a sweater here. I'm just going to fucking evaporate.

Hang on a second. Talk amongst yourselves. What do you think, Andrew? Billy's coming in hot today i love it yeah what'd you say about me that's the great uh that's the great andrew themless the producer i said i said this is great i go coming in hot on there you're coming in hot on this one i got a heater heater on here, too. I'm fucking excited. My Bruins are playing great. I was nervous with Chara

going to the Capitals, and our defense has been holding up. Now we're starting to score goals, although the last game we played, Tuca looked like he pulled something into Brusk, had a lower body injury. You know that, Paul. They moved him up to the first line since pasta's not going to be back next week look at your face when i start talking hockey um i'm gonna you're ever gonna get into hockey this

is the year no this no listen man i'm not gonna do a fucking sports podcast with you and not you know i'm gonna get into it i'm gonna get into it. I've been watching hoop too. My Celtics look great. I actually think that they are, I don't want to know. I don't want to cause dissension in the ranks here, but I like that squad when a certain so-and-so is on the bench who's supposed to be the guy i think this the ball moves better it's more of a team game and when a certain guy comes out it's kind of like uh you know

there's nothing i don't think there's anything wrong with i don't think there's anything wrong with saying the kid's name yeah i just I just wish he would pass the ball more. And just fucking get everybody else going. Then everybody's happy. Yeah. And then they're going into the locker room at halftime. Nice pass and blah, blah, blah. As opposed to sitting there like, this motherfucker's got 23 points

and he can't even fucking throw me. Can't even give me that dish. Yeah. What the fuck you saying, hoop? Fuck you, guy. I'll tell you what. that dish? Yeah. What the fuck you saying, Hoop? Lucky guy. I'll tell you what, that LaMelo ball, dude, that LaMelo ball kid is passing the ball incredibly unselfish. Just fucking, the kid is dishing it everywhere, man,

and he's really, really a smart player, and he doesn't want to score. He wants to get the assists. So, dude, that Hornets team is going to be good. Dude, they should have a Mount Rushmore for overbearing fathers that made their kids professional athletes. Who do you got? I got Manderich's dad. Who? Todd Manderich. He made it to the nfl okay but then you know you know he you know he had a good time he finally had a good time dude his dad when his when kids would go to like a birthday party when he was a kid he had to bring his own like organic birthday cake when he

was in the crib he used to stretch his baby legs to keep his hammies going so he was like flexible kidnap i mean this poor this poor kid he's probably still trying to figure out what the fuck was my life supposed to be. And to do that to somebody when they only got one, I would say him. Tiger Woods, his dad or no? I didn't see the documentary because they butchered my fucking bit. They made it sound like I was talking about. The chickies, the side piece, when I was talking about his wife. They took all the comedy out of it. I don't understand how they can just take it and totally change the meaning of what the fuck I said to serve their point of view.

And then I look like I'm lined up with them. Jesus Christ, Paul, I felt like I was watching the news. Jesus. I didn't know they did that. But I don't know if Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods might've wanted it. You know, so then you don't know if it's overbearing. That's the thing.

Well, I don't know any of these people. I no business saying this shit but it's the internet there's no libel so let's continue lonzo ball then i just need a fourth one oh andre agassi's dead okay paul one of the great you look like andre agi, so maybe you'll read this book. Paul Verzi is the king. The funniest thing ever is to give Paul a book. The look on his face, it's like he gave him a wagon wheel. Like, what the fuck am I supposed to do with this? I mean, this is what we have movies for. Why am I still reading in 2020?

I actually, my wife actually said to me, I got a book. Somebody sent me a book, and I did a podcast with this guy who was Frank Pace. He was Rod Carew's agent for four years. Sitting on top of it. So the water doesn't get in the rug. I'm going to read it. I'm going to read it. Here's one, a great book. You should read. Andre Agassi's book, Open. If you're not even a sports fan, you to read that book are you drinking a bud light no no no i'm drinking a no i'm drinking a seltzer um oh don't get me thirsty i have johnny blue in

the next door no i'll do i can't wait to do i can't wait till you go back on the sauce and me and you were doing this podcast slurring oh i'm gonna become fluent in french i'm doing a show in paris and i'm getting shit faced during the show and i'm gonna tell them in french like the nerve of them the nerve of them not speak french with me because you don't like what i'm doing in the language and then i got to listen you're going go to the bank it's like you're not butchering my fucking language you stuck up pocket square cunt. I love the French though. I love their culture. No, I got to be like, I told my wife,

if we ever get a chance to go back to France again, I'm going to drink there. Oh, I'm going to drink. You know what? That might be one of those couples retreat fucking things. We'll bring the Perzis. We'll bring the burseys we'll bring the signees oh dude oh yeah oh the fucking grape juice will be flowing yeah what we got to do is we got to like make sure there's enough there's enough wifey time in there you know figure it out

you know figure it out they always do they know what they're doing no what y'all doing that first thing you said that's why when i go over your house the amount of times your wife is thinking about swinging a frying pan on your head you don't even know it you gotta figure it out what are you gonna do you wanna go to the casino like they just flew fucking i don't know how many hours to go to this place and they want to live a romance novel and you you're like going like you already got a stogie in your mouth hey paul wait a minute should we be doing this we just got here my wife's hasn't shown up yet yeah dude they'll figure it out oh shit dude you remember we were at willis's eating those steak tips and drinking and they were like all

right guys we're going to the game in an hour and it was like i had no shirt on a fucking bathing suit a towel around me we're smoking cubansans, dude. You had the Cohibas. Yeah, Cohibas. You had Particus. We were sitting there. There were steak. Looking back, they were all fake because I've had real ones. Those were fakes.

Were they? No, dude, mine was delicious. Really? They all taste good. But, like, dude, a real Cuban, when you light it, you say, oh, my God, as you're lighting it.'s that's my i don't need to look at the band or any of that shit as the second you light it because they got all these things like you know if you look there and they got that white border that's not really cohiba they do all this fucking bullshit okay reality is well i guess that's so you didn't buy it already

god i'm stupid yeah that's like a lot paul go ahead you go no no no dude i uh i i disagree with people that are like you know what there's a lot of other ones that give cubans a run for their money it's like yes there are there are good cigars out there no no no if fakes a good fake run from nothing has ever beaten a cube no. I'm talking about another one. I'm talking about like a Davidoff, a Nicaragua. I'm talking about other cigars that aren't Cuban. I'll say this. They are good, but you give me a real Cohiba, dude.

When me and you were sitting in Montreal and we were on the back, you give me a real Cohiba. The Cadillac is the Cohiba. The Particus was the Ferrari, right? The Cohiba, dude, was a nice, smooth, that's the best with a Johnny, here's me. Right, I'm confused now. So you like the Particus better? Because you said a Ferrari versus Cadillac. No, but you know me. I like a sedan. I like the smooth ride. Yeah, guys, sorry.

Here's, is there anything better? I love how in your world, Ferrari's here, cadillacs here that's i mean they only made one of you paul that's why i love you no no i know ferrari's a better machine but you know i like i love your ferrari and it's not a cadillac but you know i'm working my way uh how big's the wheel base how big's the wheel base no uh is there anything better than a coiba, real Cuban, and a double Johnny Blue with the fucking game on in a leather chair? Fucking over. Why'd you say that in the middle of the podcast? I can't top that one.

How do I top that one? I mean, this really is your thing. Is there anything better? Is it Versaism? Well, you used to make fun of it and then that's why it's a perfect name for uh for this it's a perfect i did a movie one time in in uh pete's movie and me and pete were quoting you oh and the actress who you were working with was going like like because we're going like because i was laughing because you said to me you're like burr is there anything better is there anything better because

you always got to wind up you got to do it a couple times anything better than than a bag of potato chips with the sandwich anything better and the wind up i thinking like, this is going to be like profound shit. Yeah. Oh, dude, I'm a sucker for it. We were laughing about how you stick shit like up there with people going, oh, you watch a sunset with your stalemate, blah, blah, blah. Versi, a potato chip, bag of potato chip sandwiches on the same fucking level. And there's a genius to that and this actress understood it she goes that sounds really zen i want to be like that who

is this guy we're like oh he's on the fucking movie uh no dude i do i i actually going to lunch is a very very pleasurable thing for me and like it, it actually makes my day. I go, okay, you know, I'm going tuna fish. And then I envision the tuna fish tomatoes. And then I get a Lays, I get a Lays. And then I'm like, all right, I'm going to get a nice tea and I'm going to get the post and I'm going to read the sports section. And dude, that is that, that time, that 40 minutes or 45 minutes of me doing that with nobody else around is is a very special time for me dude i'm being dead serious you understand everybody wants to be able to do that there's people that go all the way to india and climb up a fucking mountain to talk to some fucking guy to be in the moment yeah you would enjoy it and you you were like i don't know born with it or just understood it and like for someone like me

german irish is just like you know our is there anything better is just somebody just shutting the fuck up and letting you drink yeah leaving you alone like you like the picture you just painted like i when i think about my life that's what i want to be doing i think it comes from all the horrible shit i went through from basically five years old until like high school. And then I'm just like, and, and all the things where I was like, man, I just want things to be normal. And then when it did, I appreciated it so much. That's really what it was. It was like, oh my God, dude, the, the, the simplicity of, of, of just sitting down and eating a sandwich and looking at the fucking wind hit the bushes and i'm like this is

the shit dude i mean dude i fucking enjoy you know dude i still think nobody is enjoying the ride more than you i'm telling you oh dude we thought i finally uh i finally went like that i went back to therapy and shit and i'm actually learning how to just fucking i have so much shit that's been living in my head for 50 years and i'm just like I'm done with this shit I want to move on I can't fix any of that the way I fix it is I don't do it myself and I don't do it to the people around me so that's now is sort of the uh is the goal now is to not to talk about the same six fucking events, you know, that I've been holding onto, whatever the, whatever the fuck it is that I'm doing. So I can just go out and have a tuna fish sandwich and watch the breeze in the bushes.

Dude, I went up to my wife the other day and I go, look at that. I bought her some boots and shit for Christmas or whatever, you know, and I just saw her in the kitchen. She's cooking something. And I go, look at you. I go, look at that. I go, you look beautiful. I go, you know what? Get over here. And I just walked up to her and I gave her a hug from behind. I go, you know what? You deserve everything. And I'm going to fucking give it to you. And I just kissed her on the cheek. And my kids were just like, what the fuck just happened? And then I just walked away. I go, you know what the fuck I'm doing? I like even when you're being loving and tender,'re still talking shit like you're gonna throw that ball 55 yards it was about her paul for about half a sentence before it was all about you

showing off to your kids about how you're gonna get to that mink or whatever no dude i i want dude i really and you know you deserve all of this and i'm gonna fucking get for you because i'm the fucking shit i'm gonna tell you something dude when i was 20 um when i was 22 years old they found a mask next to my appendix and it was like the doctor put a mask a mask so the doctor was like uh and the doctor knew I was hypochondriac. He wanted to be like passive and shit. He goes, all right, Paul. He goes, it's probably your appendix.

He goes, when I push in, it's going to hurt. When I let go, it's going to fucking kill. So he pushes in, it hurts. Then he lets go and it didn't hurt that bad. He's like, dude, I got it. I hate to tell you. He's like, I want to go send you to the hospital, have you drink something. We got to figure this out.

I go into emergency surgery that night. They take it out. They tell my mother, they're like, yeah, we found something. We haven't seen much like this. It's the same thing they told her when she was sick. So she's freaking out. I'm in the hospital. I'm freaking out. I just started doing comedy. I started coming up in the urban circle. Like people started to, Naeem Lynn and them, oh, you got to come do this. Like I started to get rolling and I'm laying there, dude, not knowing if it's cancer or whatever. And I'm laying next to this. Thank God. Luckily, it wasn't. And there's a guy sharing the thing with me. He was old and he was alone. And I always think about this guy. It's 100% true. And I'm not saying this to be funny for the show.

I'm like children. And he's going, hey, hey, you over there. And I go, yeah. And he goes, what's going on? And he's just talking to me. My name's Lou. goes what's going on and he's just talking to me my name's Lou I'm in here and he's just talking yeah I've been in here for days I'm trying to get out this and that he goes you'll be fine son and this and that and he goes yeah I can't get out of here because uh until my testicle goes down one of my balls I swear to god he goes one of my balls is uh it's really inflated it's huge huge. And I'm just talking to him. And he was like a nice guy, dude, Bill, hand to God on my children right now. I go to the bathroom and I had to pass this thing. And I go and I take a piss and I come back. He goes, Pauly, Pauly, come over here. He goes, this is because you believe, I swear to God, because you believe, I swear to God,

God strike me dead on my children. His left testicle, he just like put the gown. I am not exaggerating when I tell you this guy's ball was the, one of them was normal. And one of them was the size of truly like a baseball. And I'll, it haunts me to this day but he what really I think about as crazy as that is he was alone dude he was alone and there was no woman there and I always think about that like he's laying there this fucking gigantic nut which is a whole other story but he doesn't have his wife there there's no daughters or kids and he was just

there alone trying to talk to me and thinking thinking about that, I'm just like, fuck that, dude. Like, you know what? If I, yeah. So that's why I enjoy a sandwich. But yeah. You took that giant testicle. Dude, my mind went to like 9 million fucking places during that story. No, no.

He just fucking showed me this thing that was really fucked up. And then he goes like this to me. I was 22. And he goes like this to me. He goes, yeah, they're not going to let me this thing that was really fucked up. And then he goes like this to me. I was 22. And he goes like this to me. He goes, yeah, they're not going to let me leave if it doesn't go down. And I'm like, dude, you should not want to leave. You should not want to fucking leave with that thing fucking hanging off your fucking body. You know what's fucking nuts about the human body is its ability to expand.

You would think there'd be a finite size that your ball could get to before, before a baseball, that it would blow up. It was, yeah, it was, it was like a baseball dude on one side. And he said, he goes, and I remember he said it happened once before. It's got to go down a certain amount in order for me to leave. And dude, I wish I never saw it. how fat people should get like skin is really a it's flawed it'd be imagine if you got fat and then your skin just split and you started bleeding we'd all be in shape but instead it just keeps getting wider and wider like your body's ability to expand look at these proctologists they always every two weeks somebody comes in there. They got an alarm clock up their ass.

It's like, how the fuck did you get that? Oh, my God. Yeah. It's not even shaped. Shampoo bottle up their ass. Yeah. The body's ability to do that blows my, your balls can get as big as a fucking baseball.

It's just something like, why? It was, yeah, it was an infection, but I didn't expect it to get like that, dude. I was like, dude, shit happens when you get it. When I was a kid, a buddy of mine got shot, and his head was like the size of a fucking pumpkin. What? It looked like a jack-o'-lantern. Where did he get shot

his chest it's a bad story i don't want to talk about i don't know why i brought that's what i just thought of yeah no it is weird how things get big but like this was uh this was really fucking tough and i'm an i didn't want to be like hey dude i don't want to you know i just walked by he goes hey come here i didn't expect it, you know, I just walked by. He goes, hey, come here. I didn't expect it. Could you believe this fucking thing? I mean, like, that is as surprising as the fact that you just fucking showed that to me. Why would you think? I don't want to see your balls. Forget about it.

Nah, dude. I run in. There's an old. You know, it's funny. He wouldn't just show you his balls. But the fact that one of them was weird. No, dude. I go to this deli and there's an 85 year old guy who just starts talking and then i met him once his name is ed and he calls

and he shows you his privates i'm blaming you this time this is becoming a little harder she wrote with testicles he goes what is that a tuna on rye look at his hog no he uh hornet's nest and you know he still hasn't come down i feel bad for people that are alone dude that's like something that fucks with me dude he's like out of nowhere he just heard me talking to like the deli guy about the bucks and he just goes yeah the bucks they got a good defense and like the guy just wants company man so i started talking to him about it well i probably died or some shit dude you know what he said to me this was hilarious he goes yeah in my time he goes i'm 85 paul and he liked to kept telling me my name you know and i was you know so then i tell him yeah ed you know and uh he goes things aren't like things aren't like the

way they used to be in this in this country he gotta tell you something right now he got and then he started. And then that's the only time I heard him. I've seen him a couple of times at the deli. He goes, that nonsense that happened at the Capitol building, OK, I'm going to tell you what. He goes, all those people need to be executed, OK? That they need to be executed.

And then we're going to know that we can't do that in this country. And then that's when I was like, all right. And as I was leaving, I was like, all right, Ed, take care. And he goes, all right, good to see you, Paul. He gets like a pass. He's 85. Dude, that just, that sounded like a funny scene.

Like he keeps calling you Paul. So you start calling him Ed. And then each time the name calling gets more aggressive, the way you say the name, but you just keep talking about normal shit. Oh, Ed. I think maybe it's going to rain. Paul.

Well, I heard it wasn't Ed. In the end, you're just yelling each other's names. Paul. I love how you take that as an aggressive thing. You're like, dude, stop calling me. Yeah, because I came from the land of sport, chief, doctor, and half the time it was like what's up doctor is the guy right there what's what's that that was the thing what's up chief dude what's up doctor is

the funniest dude this one guy he's what's up doctor and i was just it was the funniest that's the best one ever it's way better better than Chief. Doctor is fucking incredible. Dude, Chief was always lack of respect. Yeah. You're always walking in somewhere. There was some guy you had to talk to and someone would come, yeah, what's up, Chief? So which one of these forms do I have to fill out? And it was just a way of going like, hey, you know, just taking out your day on somebody.

So I don't know. Where were we when that guy was passive aggressive to you about a dessert? Remember that dickhead in Europe? And he goes, oh, you want something sweet. You remember that? That cunt was in Warsaw. Oh, you remember exactly. Dude.

Exactly right, I do. I keep playing it over my head what I should have said to that guy. But I was on my best behavior. What an asshole. In my world, Poland is still under communist fucking control. So I'm nervous to run my yap over there. I go like this to him. I go, yeah, what is, remember he was a dick to me.

So I go, yeah, what is good? He goes, everything is good. Like he said everything is good as if i was like saying it wasn't i was just working at this this what the fuck were we doing i remember that place the chocolate shop yeah it was in the thing and we couldn't find any place to fucking eat yeah that's right so we got those those fucking hot chocolates it was yeah it was a coffee snowing out yeah i remember that i was trying to find a a polish flag to add to my collection which i could get over here but i wanted to get it there that was the only one i couldn't get

uh it was a little yeah coffee cafe with a little chocolate shop in the hotel and the guy was a fucking and then to throw it at you one last time, he just goes, Oh, you'd like something sweet, dude, that bugged you the rest of the trip. You were just like, I would see you. Cause I hate when people think that you don't know that they're making fun of you. That that's what annoys the shit out of me. And he was coming at us because we were Americans. That happened one time when I was in Denmark and this cab driver said, but blah, blah, blah blah blah blah blah he goes yo because you americans are so stupid he literally said that to me and i stayed in the cab i go really and you're driving a cab and you're a smart guy you eight foot dope what do you

weigh 140 pounds and he was going like hey t i just sat there and just verbally abused him for like 50 seconds it's's one of my favorite overseas moments, was verbally abusing that guy. My wife was pulling me out of that. I wouldn't get out of the cab. Dude, that is one of the most... Is this how you treat guests when they come to their country? Oh.

What the fuck did you do that you're driving a fucking cab? Dude, the fact that... Were you in medical school? That's fantastic that you stayed... And you went through cab fares cab fares you cunt i love how you're still getting mad no i hate i dude i i both those guys i drop them in the baltic sea that's nearby dude i love shit like that so much this one guy got sick with cancer or he has a disability and he put a text uh text exchange this girl goes listen i used to really be in love with you he put this out on social media it was the greatest thing ever he she goes she goes she goes i used to be in love with you and everything like that. But since your disability, you're kind of just like half the man you were.

I don't mean to be rude. And then he writes, well, you know, you're double the woman weight wise that you should be or something, dude. And he just fucking goes, you're double the weight wise that you should be. I don't mean to be rude or something. And he just fucking gave it back to her. And then she came back all caps. You're the biggest fucking asshole you should be. I don't mean to be rude or something. And he just fucking gave it back to her. And then she came back all caps. You're the biggest fucking asshole piece of shit.

It's like, no, no, no. He, you just said he's half the man because of a disability. You don't mean to be rude. And he gave it to you in your fucking face and you fucking can't handle it. It was one of the most satisfying things I've ever read. Wow, dude, that's taking me back to my drinking days do you remember how many almost fights it's so stupid drinking is so dumb and like in a bar like you got to do it like at home or whatever but like just to be out there

and everybody's drunk and nobody's thinking clearly remember that time we were we were in jacksonville and that dude came over and just sat down? It was an asshole. It was being really like fucking aggressive and rude with the waitress. And then the old guy, then the grandfather and grandson walked by. He goes, hey, come here, come here. Hey, fuck you. And then I kicked him out.

Remember? I go, dude, get the fuck out. He had a broken arm. Remember? He had a broken arm. I remember you told the other. Yeah, get the fuck out. He had a broken arm, remember? He had a broken arm. I remember you told the other, not there. That was the guy I told to leave. No, you told the UFC guy to leave.

There was a UFC guy. Are you leaving? I said, no, you are. That was the best. I thought that was in Jacksonville. They both were. They both were in Jacksonville actually the same night. Fuck Jacksonville.

Yeah, they were both in Jacksonville. It's just America's fucking Denmark and Polish chocolate shop. All right, so what are we doing for Pistons? How drunk was I that I was telling a fucking UFC guy that he had to leave? He wasn't a UFC guy. He was a guy that was taking mixed martial arts at a fucking strip mall. It was like he was in the UFC. No, you actually, the part you're leaving out about the story is you stuck up for me

because at first you go, hey, Paul, you invited this. Remember, I just said something to him and he sat down. And you go, oh, you invited this. And at first I'm like, is Bill fucking like hanging me out to dry with a UFC guy? Like you're going to deal with this. And then when you realize that it started to be, you go, oh, no, dude, you got to, I remember what you did. He goes, oh, who's leaving? leaving and you go you are and and i was like oh shit thank god yeah but you have my back dude you have my back for sure

dude that was half my nights out drinking this that stupid shit like because because i was a happy drunk i think as we're telling all these stories but i used to just like to fucking i just wanted to hang with you guys you were very happy drunk and always a fucking and if people from the show came over if they were cool i like that too because then we learned about the city and what they do and all that shit we had a great fucking time but it's just always there's just always one one fucking jerk off that has to come over there. And now, you know, it was always like, it used to always make me confused.

But after watching people in the last year, the way they handled this pandemic, the amount of people that went into their ego and their sense of control. Yeah. That, like, I mean. That angry drunk shit just doesn't fly, man. And like, that's the guys that turn evil. I'm talking about the guys that turn evil. The guys that just want to fight. They just look at you different and they do that, dude.

And they flip a switch like that. Those fucking full, I'm just, I can't be around them, dude. I can't be around them. Think about it, Paul. We haven't had an epic argument, argument since i quit drinking i don't have any amount more of those fucking stories i remember i remember another time i was gonna fly on my screen i was fucking uh oh man i was fucking i forget what i was taught i was well i can't even remember where the fuck i was i I think this was in San Francisco.

And I was just, I don't know. I was drunk, so I was probably talking too loud. And then this fucking douche across the bar did the whole, wow, that escalated quickly. You know, that's stupid. Those people who speak in like social media soundbites, like, you stupid games win stupid prizes like how many times is somebody gonna write that like they came up with it yeah yeah he said something like that he said something like that you know well that escalated quickly and i just looked at him i go why wasn't fucking talking to you was i oh dude and i was dude i was like fucking 47 years old. This kid was in his 20s. I mean, he could have mopped the floor with me.

And then he just picked up his drink and fucking walked away. No, he couldn't have, though. He couldn't have. And then, yeah. Yeah, my shoulder's a junk, Paul. And I'm telling you right now, you could have an 85-year-old woman standing in front of me. If she told me what the fuck she was going to throw she'd still hit me with it i can't slip a punch to save my life and my head's the size of a stop sign paul there's a reason why it became funny you could have grabbed the fucking glass

and shoved and smashed it through his fucking head you know those last couple of roy jones fights yeah where he finally lost yeah that was my whole fighting career no no i did all right i did all right in elementary school because i still had the baby fat i could lean on you paul i could lean on you it's just like headlocks and noogies we used to call them but then when when that guy started fucking squaring off and the head started moving oh dude yeah my head was on a line i was i was like my head should have been on a fucking t-ball stick dude i had a friend who could really fight they would square up and literally go like like get into a full-fledged stance and i was like i'm not fucking with that remember that guy mike tyson

knocked out where and he got back up and then mike just he came in he looked like he was trying to throw a guy out at the plate and just did the the guy with the crazy afro he looked like east osby mitch green was it no no i wasn't mitch green was it mitch blood green he had the fro i don't know This guy was a journeyman. Mitch Green was the guy that Mike punched in the street. Yeah, they got no fight in the street. No, no, no, no. This was like Mike was on his way up. I think he was still wearing the white shorts with the red stripe at that point.

I can't remember. I watched that highlight reel every two to three months. Like how that guy got up and Mike came in and threw an overhand right. And he was just, it's his head was where he was when he started. It was there in the middle. It was the, all he did was he went, that's me slipping a punch. Dude. What about that guy? Mike Chandler? Did you see that UFC fight? The guy who had his debut, the guy that was like the Bellator fucking champion.

And I fell asleep dude oh i gotta watch i missed uh the conor mcgregor fight i'm kind of glad i did i hate seeing like uh like i hate watching those fights where roy jones loses and stuff because it's such like a um it's such like a magnet for uh losers to jump on they get all fucking excited because somebody great told you he was a fucking bomb yeah he's always a bomb he's always ducking guys it's just like dude come on man it's like what do you do when's the last time you ever fucking did anything with that fucking at at stake so here's the deal what do any of us do versus a professional fighter i said that i was actually talking that

includes dude that includes all professional fucking athletes when people are like how do you fucking do stand up in front of what i go do you imagine going in with an octagon and you can get put to sleep in front of your children dude that's the best one you want you'd rather get put to sleep because you don't take the concussion like patrick mahomes bring it back. I don't know, dude, if I, if my, if, if Lucas and Sophia and Stacy are fucking ringside and they watch another man fucking put me to sleep, that's fucked up, dude. I think I would take the beating to the head. I think just out of funny, just out of chokes you out. It's almost like he tucked you into bed he knocks you out you at least went out like a man yeah dude i can't fucking read my daughter a bedtime story that night to have her know what

just happened yeah but do you want to be the other way where you always land their legs are always crossed and then there's the one thing and you're just like this or what's the one when they start snoring well dude that where mazgadov with that kid that five second knockout where you need that kid in the face and that dude was literally his leg was twitching dude that was fucked up man dude you understand like i don't know i almost said you understand what your brain's going through like i understand that must be your brain like like that's like the old school where you drag the maggot magnet across the back of a fucking TV or the screen and the whole screen would just get all fucked up.

It was, it was a wrap. Like what's going on with your brain? I can't like, it's trying to restart. It is. That's fucking. Yeah,

dude. Those guys are tougher than, uh, listen, I do think NFL is the most violent sport because, because of the longevity of it. But I think those dudes going into the – you got to watch that guy Mike Chandler. He calls himself Iron Mike Chandler.

Dude, he came in and fucking – it was unbelievable. Dana White was like hands down the – like the debut was – he just went in there like smiling. He had an American flag. He took it. He was jacked. And he just came in throwing fucking haymakers at this guy, dude. It was nuts. That's crazy.

First round. I have like, oh, God. Jesus Christ. You know what you love when you, is there anything worse than getting a fucking text when you thought you had the rest of your day to yourself? Anyway. No, I have ridiculous, I got respect for all those people, like fighters, man, like, I mean, I had a buddy of mine, he worked with a guy one time, tried to make it as a boxer,

he just had to stop, he said, dude, those guys hit so hard, he goes, I could, when they, just a body shot, I could feel my organs moving, like, what does that feel like, I don't want to know. You know who's underappreciated man and who goes through it the most is offensive and defensive linemen every 30 seconds those guys have a 300 pound fucking animal pushing them doing everything they can heads they slam it they were talking about how they'd have to start to play with both of them standing up if they had to play both standing up. I mean, that is brilliant. I mean, I don't know what that would do to like stunts

and stuff like that that you do. There's something about like coming up where guys can move. It seems like you wouldn't notice stuff. But I remember when Randy Moss came in the league, they were like, that guy runs a 4-3-40, and he's got a 37-inch vertical leap. Now that's like standard. Now it's like, you gotta have that. Yeah. And he was like 6'4", 6'5". 6'4", dude. 17 touchdowns his rookie year. Went into Lambeau and got like three of

them under the lights on Monday Night Football as a rookie. Use my feet. Oh, I love a head case. Well, I don't know. So you want to do the Super Bowl picks? Come on, Paul. We know what we're doing here. What do you think? You want to do the Super Bowl picks now? Huh? You want to do them now? Yeah. All right. Let's do them.

I got... Listen, I thought about this and why I have, look, I know the Bucks got a good defense and that kid 45 and those guys scare me. And we learned his fucking name. Can we give the guy some respect? I'm going to Devin White, Devin White, Devin White's a monster. The defense is fast. Here's the deal.

I think the X factor in this game is Travis Kelsey because I think if you do watch Tyreek Hill, I think Kelsey's going to get his 10 to fucking 12 catches. And Mahomes does have a couple of other guys, that kid 17 who fumbled and then made up for it later with the touchdown. That kid is really, really fast. Andy Reid and them just feel comfortable. Here's why I'm taking the Chiefs.

They were down 9-0 in the AFC Championship game and they didn't fucking flinch. I hate to do it because, oh, I love Tom Brady. Nobody loves Tommy T like me. I hate to do it, but I think Mahomes is going to get his second with Andy Reid. I think it's going to be a very, very close game. I think the Kansas City Chiefs win the Super Bowl 34-27. 34-27, okay. 34 to 27. 34 to 27.

Okay. I think the big one that you missed was Andy Reid, I think might be the difference. Didn't I say that? I thought I said that. No, I thought you said Kelsey was the difference. Yeah, no, but I think I thought I said that. I don't care what your voice was saying. Did I say that?

I thought I said that. You're not giving me credit for what I said? That's the only thing that worries me. Because I feel like Tampa, I don't know. I feel like Kansas City's game is they draw the other person into their game. And I feel like a team with a good running game could beat them. I don't know. Who's Tampa's running back?

Fournette? Yeah. Who they got? Yeah. Didn't they also have – They got Fournette this year. Ronald Jones or something like that? I don't know if the guy got –

He might have got hurt. Yeah, I think Fournette is their feature back. All right. Because – Dude, they got Godwin. They got Evans. I mean, he's got weapons, Gronkowski. He does, but you also want to eat up the clock.

So, I mean, how Belichick... I was talking about my podcast, how they would fucking... Belichick would double Tyreek Hill and say, all right, beat us with Kelsey, which he's going to get his fucking yards, but he's not going to get 80 a clip, 60, 50. He's not a threat to do... Tyreek Hill is just like, that guy can put the game away in

three possessions. So you just take that guy out and just know that Kelsey's going to kill you, but he's also going to be working for you because it's going to take him longer. So he's going to be eating up the clock. And he would like it would just be a time of possession thing and he would he would run the ball and all of that type of shit go up to the line don't run up to the line use up all the fucking time you want Patrick Mahomes sitting on the fucking sidelines like Bernie Sanders at the fucking inauguration that's where you want that guy or he's going to come out and kill you. So I can't, I don't have an ability. What you say, what you said 100% makes sense. But here's the thing. A guy 43 years old going to his 10th Super bowl having won six of of nine makes no sense no and picking against

that let me finish you kidding um i just think once again he's gonna do what everybody didn't think was was possible because i'll tell you, as much as I love the guy, I watched Tampa in October and November, and I'm like, this team's sloppy. They're making stupid mistakes. Look at Tom. He's losing his shit, yelling at the fucking offensive line. But he, I don't know.

That team is playing great. I'm going to take Tampa, and I think that they actually win in a lower scoring game. I don't think you beat the Chiefs trying to go touchdown for touchdown. You have to do, you have to shut them down. And the way to shut them down most effectively is they don't have the fucking ball. So they need long, sustained drives. So I'm going to say Tampa wins. If Tampa wins, I say they win like, for some reason, 25 sticking out in my head. It's going to be like 25-21.

And Mahomes is going to have to go for the touchdown because they were down by four because at some point during the game, the mathletes told them to go for two when they didn't get it. So rather than being down by three, now they have to go for a touchdown. Nobody's going to bring up the fact that they went for a two-point conversion in the fucking second quarter. And they come down, and they're going to scare the living shit out of anybody who fucking bet on Tampa or whatever or a Tampa fan, and they're going to come up short on the last play of the game. All right. Andrew, were you able to write those down?

I think I got 37. You got it or no? It's recording, so I'll have it on. Oh, yeah, I love how I'm acting like, yeah, sorry. I sat there and listened to it, too. 37. You got it or no? It's recording, so I'll have it on. Oh, yeah. I love how I'm acting like, yeah, sorry. I sat there and listened to it, too. Did you write those down?

Yeah, I love how it's a fucking recorded podcast. I could see that, too, man. It's like you said, him being there doesn't make sense. But I don't know, man. I hate to do it, too. I hate to do it because i would love nothing more than to see him come on if he wins number seven and then he keeps playing if i was him i would win number seven i would have the fucking buccaneers carry me off the fucking field i'd go like this and i would never fucking be seen or heard from again um i mean it gets to the point

of like how far out of reach are you trying to put this? You're going to be- What about our buddy? I got to bring it up. What about our buddy? Oh, who's- Our buddy on Facebook wrote this fucking thing about how Tom Brady is the most boring greatness he's ever seen.

And it's just like, dude dude the guy played in nine super bowls win or lose eight of them were one on the last drive those two that we played against the giants is heartbreaking is that what is the patron fans were fucking incredible games that game against the eagles was crazy though that i i i like defense so that was like that was like watching two people play a video game but it was still exciting to see all those scores. The fucking Falcons game, our first three, fucking Vinatieri kicks last-second field goals. That hadn't been done since when the Colts beat the Cowboys,

which you know, Paul. And I just don't understand how people, like going to another team with another coach, like moving your feet, like doing all of the things that he did and then taking the bucks to the fucking super bowl like his first year dude it's just to me it's it's beyond exciting so uh i have a theory about people like that is what they they make those outrageous comments because they want attention they take the attention off of whatever the subject is like uh dude i, I think the Beatles are overrated. So everybody goes, what?

What are you fucking? Oh, sorry. That was your argument. I just saw your eyes go like, wait, is he talking about me? I honestly wasn't talking about you. No, I know what you mean. That's hilarious. It's a way to make the conversation about you.

It's a way to steal focus and pull the spotlight if everybody's going like oh my god have you seen that new netflix series you have to watch it i i mean it's just i've never seen anything like it there's always gonna be that one guy just going like yeah i saw it i mean i you know i mean it was all right. Yeah. And then the whole crowd circles around him. What do you mean? And he just gets to sit there and bask in how fascinating they find him that he doesn't like this thing or appreciate this thing that everybody else appreciates.

I'm calling that because he knows too much about sports to make a dumb statement like that. Yeah, I mean, yeah, it is what it is, it is though you know people are going to do that with sports and even the great ones throw interceptions hey tommy t threw three last week still one still one so bill's got the bucks i got the chiefs we will wait until episode three the week before the super bowl to put what our bet's going to be. Oh, we're going to wager, Bill. Here's the thing.

Never again do we bet two games. One guy's going one way. One guy goes the other. Because, I mean, I guess I could have gone 2-0. You could have gone 2-0. But the fact that just nobody owes anybody any money was a little bit like Al Capone's fault, I feel. And you know, it's funny. The fans were really into one of us winning. The fans were like,

as a matter of fact, I'm not going to lie, with my big Rodgers call having a stroke, oh, they were like, Billy, I hope you take, dude, I called, it's money. They were rooting for you to get the two honey, but I'm coming back. We'll see. We'll see, dude. It's going to be a funny you putting on the Super Bowl. Let's save that. Let's think about that. That's a big number. Let's think about that.

Let's save that. Let's think about that. You get excited. It can't be too big. Stacey Liston's okay. Pull. That's my favorite thing. When I'm over the house for a cookout, when I hear it go, pull!

And I invariably look at you, and you got like a stick in your mouth. You're like, what? What am I doing? Oh. All right, you know what? We'll finish with this real quick. Bill saved me in an argument about cigars with Stacy. We got to tell this story. So I was on a smoking kick. I was going hard with sticks. I would say two or three a day for a while. And I was telling Bill, I have my throat dissonant. Stacy's on my case. So I'm on the phone with Bill. And I go, dude, I had three last night. While me and Stace are kind of fighting about it. Unbeknownst to me, she's on the railing right upstairs listening.

So while we're on the phone, I just hear, you what? You had three? And Bill's like, oh, no. And I go, oh, dude. And Bill goes, listen, listen to me. This is what you're going to do. You're going to go upstairs. You're going to say, she's right.

I'm sorry. OK, I'm going to I'm not going'm not gonna do the same you know just just he goes paul as a friend listen to me he goes as a friend who's a little older more you're getting heated like the fuck man it's my fucking house too i can't smoke a fucking cigar i go do that paul don't double down and he goes he goes just trust me as a friend go up there tell her you're right and apologize so she's in lucas's room cleaning i walk in kind of just go hey you know i know you heard me say that i had three cigars like i just want to let you know that you're right and i apologize and you know what

i shouldn't be doing that and you're right so i apologize and she just looks at me with this smirk and she just goes did bill just tell you to come up here and do that and i just go no she just bursted out laughing well paul i learned from my mistakes yes i've done that a thousand times come to the fucking airport flapping your arms doesn't work doesn't't work. You have to remain calm. That bit I used to do. Women are like rescue dogs. You don't want to make quick movements around them. You don't want to elevate your voice.

Yeah. Ears pop up and then the shit's over. They're coming for your throat. You got to be calm and measured and you have to own your space. Dude, I'm coming up on 14 years. 14 years, wow. Next month, me and my wife have been together for 18. Wow.

But I hope mine is 14. I hope it's not fucking coming up on 15. Hey, let me check the books, okay? No, I got married in 07. I married in 07. Oh, that is 14. You've been married, that's 14 years ago? Yeah.

I've been in LA for 14 years. What the fuck? Yeah, it's wild. It's wild. Both got two kids. Oh, we got our hands full. Yeah, my kid was not sleeping last night at all. Which one?

Younger or older? Yeah, my son uh he wasn't sleeping so uh yeah i was up like all freaking night and yeah so i'm hoping tonight he's gonna sleep like a champ because uh i'm fading already and it's fucking 3 30 in the afternoon yeah yeah no man let's uh put a bow on this puppy andrew what do we uh what do we have we have anything to plug you're not going on the road anytime soon are you bill no don't we close with anything better? Do you have another anything better? Yeah. Do you got one? I got an anything. Yeah, I got one. Go ahead. Is there anything better than when you fix the fence in your backyard and they cleaned out so

much brush that when it rains, you have your own private mudslide that goes into your own pool? that when it rains you have a you have your own private mudslide that goes into your own pool and you look at it you gonna do it's once again something huge happened my wife's like oh my god you see the pool and i looked down i was like what are you doing i just started laughing going that looks like a elephant with diarrhea went in there and took a it looks horrible uh i don't know what we're gonna do i don't know if we have to drain the whole thing i mean it's not even really it's not really a pool when i was a kid like you could drown in a pool now these pools they make nowadays you just stand up it's a joke dude like i can't like yeah i have i have an adult i have an adult kiddie pool and mud went into it i'm not gonna

get mad at that now if i had one of those old school ones with the diving board cannonball and it was like eight feet deep yeah i would be upset um i would say mine is is there anything better than your wife being in a good mood because you just got a brand new truck last night? Oh, I got four days at least. I'd say three. That's hilarious. You actually said three with conviction like you knew the fucking under over on it.

Women cannot put together a winning streak dude when it comes to just emotionally being cool with it's i think that's why they hate us so much because we're so stupid but we can just i don't know there's a brilliance to our stupidity because they got the better brain they did they they're just they they're just smarter they are but like you know they're so fucking smart paul they can't just sit there and eat a tuna fish sandwich watching the fucking the bushes move yeah but you could argue that what that's smarter than i could argue the fact you're dumb no no i'm saying i could argue that the fact i have the ability to do that is smarter it is you know it is and it goes back to when we were on the movie me and pete were laughing about it yeah and then the female was like like what is that that's like

zen i want to be that and we were just sit there laughing like knuckleheads going, isn't Bernie hilarious? Talks about a bag of potato chips. He's watching the sunset with the supermodel. Is there anything better? No. I do have dates, but they're in March, so I'll keep plugging them. But people are buying tickets. I'm doing a one-nighter March 24th, the improv Improv in Orlando, March 25th, the Improv in West Palm Beach. I'll be in Tampa

in May at SideSplitters, the 20th to the 23rd. Just got Salt Lake City added, and I'm doing my first theater, the Wilbur Theater, October 22nd. Tickets for that. So you could get all those uh date all those tickets to those uh dates at paulverzi.com and um and i co-sign on paul verzi the man is a beast he has he has a set that i still remember when he turned when he he had turned the corner i didn't realize it when we were at the uh gotham comedy club and a buddy of mine was coming down to see me and i was on next and you didn't know what was going on and they told you to stretch and I saw you just fucking murdering. Murdering, playing

with the crowd, people interrupting you. You had every club in the bag. I appreciate it, man. So go see it. Coming from you, it means more. Jesus. All right. That is the... That is... what the fuck?

How do we wrap this thing up, Paul? Episode two, anything better. We'll be back. Get it on where you could get all podcasts. iTunes, Spotify. There you go. We'll be back next week. I mean, what do you want from us? Thank you.