Anything Better? - Card Carrying Member

Episode Date: October 2, 2021

Is there Anything Better than Bill and Paul talking about a 500 million dollar house?

What's up everybody and welcome back to the anything better podcast with me your host Paul Berzy, your other host Bill Burr, our producer Andrew Themlis and today you guys are listening to episode 35. I do not have many 35. And by the way, can I just say this out of the gate, Bill? Cause a lot of people, I didn't realize how many people are correcting mine in your mess ups for numbers. Okay. Well, Shaq was this Kevin McHale was this guys. We're just saying like numbers they might have had for like a year. And sometimes,'re just picking yeah the list that's all that's all it is that's all it is yeah and some of the lists are wrong so there you go but i don't have i'll be honest with you out of the gate i don't have a 35 but i i think that you should only be

able to go in and one because someone's gonna have michael jordan again at 45 where he wore it for like two weeks when he came back no first time you know that one of those shacks ones was where he was like fucking with phoenix yeah the big cactus no yeah fuck that fuck that all right i i because i think we ought to throw those ones out um all right all right wait. Greatest player to wear 35 in all sports. Here we go. Let's get the list going here. Best athletes.

All right. Ricky Henderson. What? He's on every list. That's how long he played. They got him in number one. Was that his primary number? I don't know.

He was 24 on the Yankees. This is so ridiculous. Fuck you guys. Who didn't you buy? Everybody was a Yankee. I think I played for the Yankees at some point. Kevin Durant. Yes.

Number two. By the way, dude, your Yankees swept the Red Sox. I didn't even know that. That's how out of the fucking loop I am with baseball. Yeah, no, me too. We won last night too. And I'm just so out of it too, but I'm kind of getting back into it. I hope we make the playoffs. I think you should. Anyway, Frank Thomas, Justin Verlander,

number five, Yogi Berra. How is Yogi Berra with fucking as many rings as he has fingers at number five, Joe Morgan, love Joe Morgan, Tony Esposito, Gaylord Perry. There's a lot of repeat names here yeah 35 is a weird one 35 is a weird one all right let's see if what we got to do the top 10 the top 10 we should probably do a little more investigating on these things but then whenever i click on it there's just so much fucking advertising all right number eight gaylord perry number nine phil necro oh i remember there's more condiments on between them than you'd ever have on any fucking hot dog ever phil necro and gaylord perry both throwing the fucking knuckle

ball and screwball mike mucina oh how did i forget that yeah. I remember that. All right. There we go. Okay. Those are, those are the greatest. Not too many, not too many. 35 35s are weird. Mid thirties numbers are weird, but so anyway, getting into this episode, Bill, I would think that you're going to, we're going to start beginning into like corners in the high thirties and low forties. corners in the high thirties and low forties. Um, yeah, I also think like some, there was a couple of fullbacks. There was a couple of fullbacks in like 36 is in 37, 38. It's a weird

wrong. Bettis is a 36, right? Their own Bettis is a 36. Oh, that's next week. Yeah. That's a good one. All right, dude, we've got to get get into this i got to tell you about this one dude how about this me and my wife having a good night everything's going good we're on the couch she comes down with a glass of wine right she starts taking my trousers down i'm kidding so she's gonna say this sounds like the beginning of a porno no she's sitting there everything's good and then all of a sudden i suggested a house thing okay what if we what if we like redid uh and then it was like now i think maybe we should do and i go well no i mean i think we should maybe and it just turned into like us watching tv together she's got a glass of wine to then not speaking because of different opinions on a new finished garage. That was my,

what were you thinking? I mean, no, I was just, never suggest a remodel to your wife because it's going to be twice the scope with half your vision. If you're lucky, that's how that math is going to work out. That's exactly what happened. I'm like, no, no. What we do is we, and she was like, well, I thought this. And here's the thing. When your wife says, well, I thought that means that's, what's going to happen. That's what's going to happen.

Unless you want to be fucking miserable. What you do, Paul's, when you feel they're even going to suggest that you start talking about how you like their hair or what they're working, what they're wearing. You just distract them. No, she came down and she had yoga pants on and a glass of wine. And I go, Hey, cute girl, or something I said. And she put a big smile and stupid me should have just looked at the TV and not talked about anything in the house. I got to admit, Paul, you know, that one was on you. Ah, what are you going to, and then, I mean, here's the thing. Women could go cold silent quick.

Like it happens. It happens. I was, and then I tried to recoup, you know, and it was just like, she was just like doing something else, looking, reading something. I was like, yeah, I ruined tonight. I ruined any chance of any kind of fun. Why, why in what world would you actually think that you have an opinion? You know, I just want to change the garage.

I'm trying to get a cave, trying to do some crazy shit in my garage. Like a man cave thing. Oh yeah. I got high ceilings. I might throw a pool table in there bill that's my new thing i want to get good at pool i'm gonna get good at pool that's my thing i i've seen too many i like pool i don't know i pool table at home man i feel like that thing just becomes a place to set shit down on what are you minnesota fats you'll be in there trying to

fucking hey mine is the minute around shit for what paul when's the last time you walked into a bar you saw a fucking pool table dude how nice would a pool table be with like maroon felt like that burgundy felt with fucking nice leather pockets well let me tell you something about that pool table you can take that pool table and stick it right on the fucking curb because i ain't fucking playing it come on on, man. Pool's nice, dude. It's a classy game. Looks beautiful. I mean, it's fucking golf without the walking,

dude. Hey, that ain't bad. After a while. I mean, how many fucking games? Oh, nice break. Guys, I want to pull a little money on this one. Come on, dude. Sitting there fucking walking around

Everybody starts acting like they're in the Hustler Fucking Tom Cruise kissing the stick What are we doing here? No, dude, I'll have three or four buddies over We'll do a tournament Everybody throws in a couple, honey Okay, we'll have the game on in the background We'll have some drinks, a little shit talking

Who knows, maybe I get a ventilator Or whatever to get rid of the smoke we smoke sticks come on man when me and you smoked with that jazz band when me you law had music paul i know but we were playing against strangers that one kid was good we ended up winning we hugged each other like we just won the final four that was the fucking best i just pool is just a game it gets like if you play with strangers it gets ugly really quickly yeah but there's always women watching guys egos are fucking way up there and just something fucking happens where somebody's stick accidentally hits a ball no i'll put it back and then it just gets fucking weird. I don't like that shit. Not into it.

You don't like in all the times I've talked to you, every time I've suggested some sort of home game, you don't like tennis court. You don't like pool tables. You don't like a tennis court. If you take the net out, we play fucking street hockey. I'll do that. All right. All right. I get it. I get it. But no, but I'm also an old, old man, dude. I don't want to be fucking running side to side. That's that's why I kind of think billiards, man. You could just have a beer.

You don't have to move. You walk around a table with a drink, set it down, shoot talk. Why are you going to bring that dead scumbag element into your house? You're going to, you're going to turn half your house into a pool hall? No, but it's my guess. All of a sudden, fast dating, what's-his-face is fucking rolling his own cigarette outside your garage? Who is that, Paul? I live so far in the country, it'd be me and a deer by the end of the fucking...

Nobody's coming. Nobody's coming. Close for it. You'd be surprised, Paul. You've got all retired bankers. There's a lot of scumbags up where you fucking live. People who stole can't go back to the city. You know, it's funny.

I am friends with cops and firemen that I'd be like, Hey Paul, what are you doing tonight? I'm off. Can't know enough cops and firemen. No, I know a bunch of, I'm, I'm good friends with a couple of cops. Yeah. Great guys. Those are good people to know. Yeah.

Good people to know. Especially when your pool game gets out of control and need a couple of guys to come by and wave around pistols to get the riff raff out of the garage or maybe put out the fire when you get too fucking hammered and you left your cigar going. Oh my God, you just gave me a really bad feeling. I remember I was performing in a Lake Ontario playhouse and these soldiers came out cause it was near a base. And I started playing with this

ex soldier and he was telling me some wild shit about the battlefield in Iraq, some shit that I won't repeat and everything like that. And we're playing. And I remember I called him Chicago cause he was from Chicago and I forgot what he called me. And we played and we started playing 20 bucks a game and I beat him on the first one, but then he beat me on the next couple. And I think I owed him like 40 bucks. And I go, uh, it got serious for us. I go, yeah, man, I gotta go. I gotta go to the ATM. And he goes, yeah. All right, man, let's go. I'll go with you. Like he like totally was like, go get my fucking money. And it was like, and I was like, yeah, dude, I, of course I would get your your money but give me a weird feeling just when you said that i know over 40 bucks yeah dude i'm telling

pools and ugly all of those fucking you know the amount of people that have died over a fucking pool game pool game poker you know forget about darts i mean you literally get a weapon right in your fucking hand i'll tell you one i learned you know what this dude i like going to a bar and i like chilling out i hated going to a bar hitting on chicks i hated fucking you want to get in this game over here it's like dude i just want to fucking get shit faced and relax and not talk to anybody i'm anti-social paul here's who you don't trust i learned this don't trust a guy with real baggy jeans. That one. I learned that one. If a guy's got 90s must've been rough for you, Paul. No, no, no. I don't.

I mean, like, I mean, listen, I'm not talking loose. I don't like anybody. No, no. I'm not talking loose fit. Loose fit is okay. All right. Because you got different cuts of gene. Loose fit is okay. I'm talking those guys where they had almost their jeans denim were almost like clown pants. Those guys are up to no good. I'm talking those guys where they had almost their jeans, denim were almost like clown pants. Those guys are up to no good. I'm telling you, man, those guys are up to no good. Dirty. Picture that. I don't even know. I don't know who those guys are. Yeah. Dirty. They just didn't lose a bunch of weight and they don't have money to buy the new wardrobe yet. Nah, dirty sneakers

and baggy jeans to me. It's, it's a bag. It's a bad combo combo i don't like being around i gotta be honest with you being in a bar with strangers is is fucking horrible being in a bar which i like either bars that are uh who's that kid he got joe madarice he had a funny bit he goes i love going into an empty bar he just goes i love this place because you know you're getting old listen a bar that's empty epic epic you sit with your friend you know the bartender, you're talking across the way, TV's on, epic. But when it gets to that, like, every table or every booth is filled up, everyone's sitting there, you got to squeeze in, grab a drink, fuck that. That's a problem waiting to happen.

I'd rather be home. I'd rather be home. I have a bar. I have a bar. I have a bar. I have whatever be home. I have a bar. I have a bar. I have a bar. I have, I have a bar, whatever you need. I got, I got booze. I got some good shit. The good shit only, by the way, let's be honest. The good shit only comes out for the friends, right, Bill? Yeah. Well,

somebody is going to appreciate it. Someone's going to appreciate somebody that you love though. Like you want to share Johnny black and domestic domestic cigars or legal cigars until you prove otherwise. That's perfect. You prove otherwise because I'm not fucking do because I've done that before. Yeah. You know, you give somebody a high end booze and they want to pour some Coke in it. You just like, all right. Or you give somebody just because you want to be the nice guy.

You give somebody a Cuban, a rare Cuban, and they smoke like half of it and just put it out and it's gone because it's their germs on it. Can't do it. No. Can't happen. Can't do that, Paul. I'll tell you right now. If you're going to turn half your house into a pool hall, I don't know what you're thinking.

What are you going to have next off track betting in your fucking. No. What do you mean? What do you mean? Half my house? I'm going to have a sick ass fucking man cave with a huge screen. Sick ass means half your house. No, no. It's going to be the focal point of the house, Paul. Paul, where are you going to be? And I'll tell you what, I'm not doing this 70, 75 anymore.

I'm done with that too. What's that? I'm done with that. 70 or 75 inch TV. I'm done with that. I'm getting the Samsung wall. It's a hundred inches. It's the whole fucking wall. Top to bottom, ceiling to floor fucking TV. I'm going to be in the NFL football game, Bill.

I'm going to be standing next to Justin Herbert on Monday night as he's in the pocket. You got to watch out for that though, Paul, because what, you got something under your TV right now, right? In the downstairs, we have a little, one of those. Because what? You got something under your TV right now, right? Some sort of credenza? In the downstairs, we have a little one of those. Yeah, that's going to end up in the fucking garage. Yeah.

That you want to redo. Redo the garage first. Yeah. Make that the show place of your house. Then you go for the big one. Oh, you put the fucking big TV. Paul, you should have one that takes up the whole back of the garage door. When somebody comes in, everybody leans back and you watch it go up. And it's like, you're under the stadium, Paul. Wouldn't that be incredible?

My uncle, dude, my uncle is a rare, a rare dude, man. He was this Italian dude from Long Island. Just moved. I shouldn't say just moved probably been 10 years now. Jesus. That's how much time goes by, but he was a lifelong Long Island guy. He'd come over and says, what's doing? That's the big thing along on what's doing how you know what's doing right so they moved on a lake in long island okay he told me two things he goes a tv is every man no tv is big enough right he had a mitsubishi tv in the early 90s bill it was like the first it was like the first come with his car dude it was this thick it was this thick and it was like 60 inches but it's when nobody had it

he had a chrysler dude it was six inch it looked like a giant piece of furniture but he was the first one to have i remember those and then they had the big the big speaker on the bottom yes they had a big speaker on the bottom thing was gigantic it was 60 and he was sitting there this guy's really hilarious though he's one of those guys they told him he had six months to live with cancer it was in this is true shit it was in his lung and brain and this is like oh wait they go, you got six months to live. I swear to God. He goes, nah, nah, because it's not, you don't know who you're dealing. I swear to God. He goes, I'm going to live. I'm going to live. And the doctor's no, no, we just, you know,

we want to make you go. And then told my, told my aunt, we're going to make them comfortable. He goes, no, no, no. I'm going to live too. That was an Oh wait, he's alive. He's alive. He's got, it's, it's like, it's spread to his brain they got him on some medicine it's like beating him up but dude he literally just goes no no jesus christ i'm telling you man is my mom just visit it's my it's my mother's sister's husband robert he's the best he's he's hilarious and he just goes nah nah i'm gonna live and just just like the doctor was the doc like the doctor's giving that news thinking fuck dude i gotta give this new there's this fucking rare thing you got

you know part of the job and he was just like nah no hey pick someone else he goes how true is that though a tv is never big enough because now when i see because we have a 70 downstairs and my buddy just got an 80 and when i saw the 80 i was like all right i'm gonna get 90 i'll get fucking 90 why it's 130 degrees out in the summer now paul what do you do with that 70 you're just gonna throw it in a fucking lake what's wrong with the 70 no no no we'll keep why like we have a spot for the 70. We've got a whole house. Can it look like a Best Buy? You can have 170 inches of flat screen TVs in there.

Oh, that's 70 inch. Yeah. We'll put that in the kitchen. That's a kitchen TV. Oh, I love a nice clear picture though hilarious i'm telling you bill i'm getting old i'm turning into an old man the things i like and appreciate now are things that i used to laugh at when uh dude i appreciate you when you you get to my age you don't want to buy anything that's another level of old that you get to Oh okay I have not bought fucking The only reason I bought clothes is because I'm shooting this fucking thing Out in Denver I have not bought clothes in like fucking two years

Just like nothing I don't buy anything I don't fucking want anything Just leave me alone Like I don't know what happens After a while you're just like what am i doing i look at all this shit that i have in my house over the years i was just like god i wish the biggest thing if i could go back and be young is fucking don't buy anything

keep it light yeah because the last like i don't know how many years six seven years anybody tries to give me anything no no i don't have any room. Thank you. Thank you. I really appreciate it. Gift bags at some stupid event. And I don't remember any of the shit anybody was going to give me. But all the shit that I have, when I take it out now, I'm like, oh, that was the TV taping I did for fucking Comedy Central. I can't throw it out. I should just take all of it.

Oh, you're one of those if you get it yeah yeah you're like you get a t you you like i can't throw it out because they're just gonna throw it in the fucking ocean so it's better for the environment if i i should live with my shit but you shouldn't throw out a memory you can't throw out a good memory that's what's tough no but it isn't it's a different thing is like I have the memory of all those shows I did, but then I also have the t-shirt. Right. Right.

I never took the t-shirt. I don't give a fuck. I still did it. Yeah. Why don't I need a memory of something that I did? Right. Now I get like, so,

you know, my team wins the Superbowl. I want to get the sports illustrated fucking package. I didn't win it. Right. I don't know. Yeah, I get that. I like the little things.

I get a pin. You know that. When we went to the Final Four Championship, I always get a pin. Yeah, it's bullshit. A little gold pin. I stick it in a box. I got a bunch of them. I'm a magnet guy.

I go to a new country no i get the not a magnet i get the flag the flag that you sew on your coat or whatever i don't have a come never gonna be that douche that has a bunch of flags on like i was in the fucking navy or something i just keep them you ever see those guys yeah those guys those navy guys with the black with the gold and then they have like the all all of the, all the ports. Yeah. I wonder if women look at that and they think like, uh, was he a good boy? This guy bang whores across the seven seas. Now he wants to fucking jump on me. Yo, I got another one, man. That's going on, dude.

I got two things going on here. I'm pissing a lot. I'm pissing a lot. And, and I'm starting, I got a stigmatism in my eye. So my left eye is worse than my right. I got 2020 still, but I'm telling you it's fading fast, dude. Like if I go like this, it's not crisp. If I go like this, I'm still good. It's and you know me, Bill, your uncle with the cancer when it comes to eyesight people been telling me for 10 years i need glasses it's like yeah i'm not doing it makes your eyes weak it's like walking with the cane you walk with the cane

when you give into a cane fucking two weeks later you're gonna be sitting in a chair with a blanket over your legs and then six months later you're gonna be be sitting in a chair with a blanket over your legs. And then six months later, you're going to be dead. So yes, they gave me glasses that make the left stronger to read and watch movies. And I didn't do it. Yeah, you're done. I put them on and they gave me a fucking headache. Oh, it takes a second for you to adjust. It takes a second for my eyes to get fucked up enough to look through this thing. I'm not doing it. I'm an anti-vaxxer with glasses, Paul, when it comes to glasses. And the doctor's telling you, Bill, you're going to see better.

What are you doing? You're going to see better. Everybody I know that has glasses, they actually say there's an element of truth to that. They go, once you fucking put on glasses, you need glasses. Once you use a cane, you need a cane right those fucking people with the thing breathing those people once you do that you're done i got friends who can't see

i have i'm not i have like two or three friends i'm thinking of right now that are literally like they take their glasses off and they're just they're they're like dude i can't see 10 feet in front of me i'm just like i don't want joe barnett kid has no idea joe barnett would walk off a cliff without glasses on one of the funniest things was when me you and joe were on a road trip and it was his turn to drive and i'm in the back and he stopped he stopped short he stopped like 30 yards behind a car thinking he was on his bumper. Dude, the car was fucking 70 yards. Joe, what the fuck are you doing? I thought we almost had like a hit.

He goes, am I not close? I go, the car's like 30 fucking yards away. You know his laugh. He's like. I remember one time you looked at him and I saw you looking at him and he's like, he's driving like this. This is what it looked like from the side. He's driving like you kept doing this. You just go. And I remember you just go, Joe, Joe, you fucking get your eyes fixed. I remember like a week later he had glasses and he said, dude,

I was watching the hockey highlights on, on fast forward to, he was calling all the second assists. He goes, I haven't seen this good since I've been 12. Segment first with the reads. Well, you guys usually still do the reads, then the football segment. So whatever you want to do to do the football, just go right into the football segment and then we'll do the reads and let's get the reads out of the way dude i like just getting the homework done you know yeah that's why that's why i thought especially i'll do uh sorry andrew and i'm trying to make this

easy and we're fucking the whole thing let's see what we got here we got butcher box i like reading butcher box yeah you know you do talk baseballBox. I'll do Talkspace. All right. All right. All right. Talkspace, everybody. Meeting with a therapist to work on your mental health is just as helpful as hiring a personal trainer to work on your physical health. And the positive impact can be just as life-changing. Talkspace makes it possible to speak with a licensed therapist right from your phone, tablet, or computer.

And unlike traditional therapy, you can message your therapist anytime via text, video, or voice. That's got to be annoying. That's somewhat about Bob shit right there. I know, dude. Like, not again. I'm at the beach. It's 100% Ahoy! I know, dude.

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The app puts you in. What do you want, you fucking lunatic? What happened to you this week? It's not going to be like that. No. Not at Talkspace. The app puts you in a private room with just you and your therapist. Send messages 24-7. Don't send messages 24-7.

And get replies throughout the day. No need to wait for a weekly appointment. Talkspace's encryption and added security features your conversation fully protected. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, self-doubt, or anything else, Talkspace gives you access to the help you need to move forward. Facing those obstacles isn't easy, and you don't win a prize for doing it alone. Getting professional help isn't weird or weak. It's smart, because sure, your friend might know a thing or two about electricity, but would you let him rewire your house? Makes sense. It's a good point. You can apply that to a lot of things. Yes. You go to the professionals, Paul,

go to the professionals, even when it comes to upstairs here. So don't leave your mental health to chance or the amateur advice of well-meaning friends or family. Talk to somebody who's trained to help. Unless you're fighting a pandemic. Then talk to your comedian. Talk to your friends and ignore your doctors. Talk to somebody who's trained to help you make lasting progress. Join Talkspace today and start moving forward with a single message. Just visit Talkspace.com and get $100 off your first month when you use promo code ANYTHINGBETTER at sign up. That's $100 off Talkspace.com and use promo code ANYTHINGBETTER. All right, here we go. We got ButcherBox.

Oh, these guys are my favorite, Paul. I just had a ButcherBox steak last night. Some greens, you know, protein the size of my hand, not my head. If I did it the size of my head, I'd be a fucking wildebeest. Be prepared for whatever life throws your way with high-quality meat delivered right to your door. Whenever you need a great-tasting meal you can trust, ButcherBox is in your corner. ButcherBox makes it easy. Each box has 9 to 11 pounds of meat. Easy, ladies, of your choosing. Options like 100% grass-fed and finished beef, free-range organic chicken, humanely raised pork paw. It gets a little chilly out. They put a little

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ButcherBox is now giving new members free ground beef for life. Sign up at butcherbox.com slash better and get two pounds of ground beef free in every order for the life of your membership. Log on butcherbox.com slash better to claim this deal. Dude, my wife makes a killer chili and that deal is incredible for somebody like us. I'm not even joking, dude. Free ground beef is, I mean, who doesn't like a, I'll eat a I'm not even joking, dude. Free ground beef is, I mean, who doesn't like a, I'll eat a meatball like an apple, dude. I'll eat meatballs all Sunday. Think I give a fuck? All right. How about just a burger, Paul? Sorry. Not that I know. I'm all Northern European. I would just, you know, I'd make a patty and I put

some cheese on it. I don't know, man. You know me, Bill. bill i'm not i'm not doing the age thing well that's one thing that i'm not good with man why do you think that is um i you know i don't know i think it's because i actually think i do know i have regrets i have regrets about sports and I have regrets about when we moved a lot and I was like going to be, they were like grooming me to play sports in the school that I was in, in the district. And then we left and I hated it. They were friends. I didn't want to play ball with these guys. I ended up just hanging out with like popular kids and drinking and doing stupid shit. And I feel like I never got to the potential. Wow. You got me to saying some heavy shit. If you were a therapist, I know why it, you know, in your forties, you're telling me,

you're going to run a five flat 40. Yeah, no, no. I said, I, I don't think it'll be five flat, but I'll get under six. Um, but I want, I'd like to do a five, five. Cause that's what I did when I was younger. But anyway, I think you take those chains off. I think he could break three. I think all that extra weight around your neck. younger but anyway i think you take those chains off i think you could break three i think all that extra weight around your neck i think it's because i never got to play and do the sports that i wanted to do that now that i'm my body is really can't do it uh i don't like it like i still throw a football and if i got pain in my arm i still want to see if i got a little oomph left

yeah it's not going well bill it's not going to be a, you know, So this has nothing to do with fear of death, fear of, you know, what do they call it? Vanity. No, I'm not afraid. I'm not really, I'm more of it's, it's, it's like, when it comes to like stuff like death, I'm not, I'm just, I don't want to suffer, but I'm not, you know, I mean, we're all going down, we're all going down. So it's like, I'm not, I just, you know, I don't like when I see somebody like hunched over and they're bad, I get freaked out because I have disc issues when I see things like that or

people that that's what fucks me up, you know, but yeah, I wish that I fucking played organized ball more and I wish that I was groomed and coached and did those things. And now I know it's over. So I don't like it. He's younger than Brady, Paul. You never know. You can get that tester Verde call. He's the only, he's the only hope that a guy like me, he did it. Tester Verde was no, he's actually older hope that a guy like me he did it Testaverde was no he's actually older than Testaverde Testaverde I think was done

at 43 Tom Brady turned 44 dude that guy's gonna be field goals Vinatieri kick field goals he finally retired he's like 46 or 47 yeah dude Vinatieri played till he was fucking full gray

beard the whole thing, man. I mean, what a kicker that guy is. Greatest of all time. Yeah. I mean, clutch kicks. Speaking of field goals, what about this week? Records being broken. Justin Tucker hitting a 66-yarder that hits the front.

68? Wasn't it 68? No, the 68 missed. That was against the Jags, and then the Jags ran it back. Oh, they got it all the way back. Oh, yeah. The 66 broke Matt Prada's record from Denver. He hit the front bar.

He hit the bar, but then it bounced in. And they won at the last second against the Lions. I'll tell you what, that team, I mean, we talked about that, but the Ravens are fun. I love exciting teams like that. Oh, I'm so devastated about the giants so fucking devastated that they stink they do the 66 yard field goal that ball was on his 46 that's a fucking boot man that's a boot dude so when when tom dempsey kicked that 63 yarder for the saints

the goal post was actually right on the goal line so So that meant, so he was way out. That's why when you see his, his, he's on way on the other side of the field, he's 63 yards away from the goal line, which I'm bad at math. Plus this goes down. He was on the 37. Could that be right? His own 37. With like half a foot too. And he kicked it straight. Yeah. He gave us a foot too. And he kicked it straight. Yeah. He gave us a straight on kicker.

And then people back then were like, oh, it's cause he had that special shoe. Like, do you know how quick you'd get canceled for that? He had his half a cripple shoe on. That's why he did it. Oh my God, dude. I don't think I ever told you. I don't, I never told you this. I'm on stage in San Antonio, dude. I don't think I ever told you. I don't, I never told you this. I'm on stage in San Antonio, Texas, and I do a joke and it was something about diabetes and this guy's going to

lose a left foot. And there's a table of four dudes crying, laughing, and they're pointing at their boy and they're pointing at their boy. And I'm going like, what? And he goes, he lost the left foot. Right. I swear to God, he lost the left foot. The whole place starts laughing. I go, no, you did it. Like I thought they were fucking with me. The dude takes off his left leg and tries to hand it to me. And I go, no, dude, I believe you. Place is going fucking nuts.

Okay. Now there's a lot of soldiers. There's a base there. So I always had wounded warriors coming out. Right. So I go, dude, all right. All right. All right. I believe you didn't have to fucking do that. Place is going nuts. He puts his hand in, he puts his leg back on. Everybody starts calming down. Everybody starts calming down. I go, I swear to God, I go, well, man, dude, thank you for your service. He goes, no, no, I'm not a soldier, dude. I got hit by a truck. Fucking it was just, and he didn't want credit he didn't want credit

he was like no no dude not a soldier not a soldier dude oh i thought they were saying he lost it because of diabetes no no i just said like lost a foot but it's always soldiers there so myself and everybody thought he was a wounded warrior so but when he just took it i go are we believe and then he just goes no no dude not a soldier, not a soldier. I can't take credit. I got hit by a bus or a truck. And everybody was just like, oh, shit. Dude, the fucking shit that you can say at a comedy show, and then for some reason, somebody's there. I know.

You know, one time I was at the Laugh Factory, and Jay Davis was on stage. Okay? at the laugh factory and Jay Davis was on stage. Okay. And I swear to God, Jay was on stage and he was bringing, he was doing a joke in the middle of doing a joke. He put on chapstick, did that, didn't get heckled. And I was just like, I can't believe the difference between, this is back when LA crowds were just, the intent to assist in New York before New York got all woken. I don't know what the fuck happened. Right. And so he brought up a comic and then he brought me up and I love Jay.

I've been friends with him forever. So I was breaking his balls. go jay did you can i just back to show up here for about 15 minutes did you put on chapstick in the middle of the joke and they all started laughing and i'm like and you guys didn't even have him jay was laughing i was laughing and i was like what are you kaylo caitlin or what is something you know something like that right so then i fucking get off stage and he was pissed no i'm in the back of the laugh factory the guy goes it's kato it was fucking kato caitlin from fucking the oj trial what yeah and then i'm shooting the shit with tammy and he cools i actually ran into him in the valley A couple weeks back I was having a sandwich

He came walking out You randomly said Kato Kalin And he happened to be there I said Kalo I fucked it up Because I didn't watch the trial And he said it's Kato And I was just like oh shit Like you're that fucking guy

Did he do it They went to McDonald's together did he do it they went to mcdonald's together that did he do it um that's how i'm a one time i'm not gonna say the musician's name because i feel really bad for him there was a comic on stage just eviscerating this old school musician okay trashing his music and then trashing him and he has you know some mental issues and i'll never forget i was walking and hearing the bit and then as i turned i saw him and he was like like this look at his face walking out. Like, and I was just going like, Oh my God, I felt so fucking bad for him. You know,

it's one thing to just make fun of shit. You know what I mean? But then when, you know, you specifically name a fucking person. Oh my God. Do you remember that uh that keegan peel where keegan michael key in the sketch he's a comic he goes all right god he starts roasting everybody and jordan peels like in a wheelchair all burnt and he's just looking like he wants him to roast him but he just goes to everyone else so he starts feeling bad and he's going and he could only talk like that right so he's going oh look at this guy where'd you get that shirt right and he just goes past everybody and jordan peele's going and he just he won't do it and then he's like

all right all right fine dude fine so what what happened and he's going real light and jordan and he's going god so then finally he just. Finally, he just goes into it. And, dude, he starts saying, how could you say that? That's fucking horrible. And he can't move his face. So tears just come down. And he goes, I thought I could handle it, but I can't. Dude, it is so fucking, dude, that show is underrated, man.

Oh, God. Oh, dude, I've had people come up to me. Back when I used to sign shit after shows, some people would stand in line to let you know how offended they were by something you said. I should have seen this whole world coming. Well, yeah, I mean... It was just like...

And I finally started getting good at it. Because then I would pick out something else fucked up. Well, what about that? You didn't think that that was fucked up? Oh, you don't care because that doesn't affect you? Yeah. A lot of times it was like... I remember this fucking lady was like...

I was first working out that pit bull rescue dog bit then i was in atlanta at the old punch line and this woman ended up coming up to me you know typical fucking you know white lady who lives in the suburbs not really doing shit with their life so this was like her one thing that she latched on this like literally rescuing animals it was her identity right you know what i mean so i did the whole bit so she comes up and she starts giving me and i was like well you know if you listen to the bit you know i kept dog. So I don't know what you're upset about. And then she actually took out a business card. She goes, I'm going to report you just to

let you know, I'm actually a card carrying member of PETA. And I said, wow, how many schools was that? How many years of school did you have to go to, to get that? I go, I can sign up for that on my phone before you get to your card and then they were equals she said it to me Paul like she went to Yale yeah yeah like she was an astro certified astronaut yeah it's like what are they gonna have a fucking problem with yeah it's just like yeah I don't you know what bit I'm surprised no blacks stand-up comic ever did or a latino comic never made fun of like fucking white people that rescued the pit bulls after they were done with them like the pit bulls from their neighborhood and then you get them and you gotta figure

out like what fucking triggers them and shit yeah i never understood why i figured with all that mike vick dog fight and shit because remember when that came out and everything there was this whole thing like no that's like it's a cultural thing and blah blah blah blah and then white people are like how could you do that as we like oppress actual human beings and the whole thing was fucking hilarious felt like oh my god i was gonna say that's like a south park episode where everybody ends up getting trashed which is why i love that show i'm so late to this one did you ever see that one that they did on gentrification no i didn't photo sopa when they make south of south park something or other like you know they'd say like soho noho you know out here they have weho yeah yeah yeah north hollywood west ho Hollywood. They just create these fucking names and they move out all of these people.

Dude, they did this fucking thing, man. I can't even do it justice. I watched two hilarious things with my wife this week. Great, like, you know, bring the relationship, you know, because you're tired or whatever, right? It's fucking uh we watched that episode of south park and um my you know they get away with all of this shit they might my wife was just dying laughing like there was a guy in a chinese restaurant the guy runs a chinese

restaurant it was great chinese guy and he's fucking smoking a cigarette he's flipping the ashes into the cup and he's doing you know doing that accent you can't do anymore like i don't know why nobody come here no more i you know i'm not and he's just killing this because one guy in the restaurant the guy's just he's like yeah buddy i don't know he's just like i mean i'm just saying maybe it's because and he just keeps talking to this fucking guy so in the end he tries to make his neighborhood he tries to make his neighborhood cool and he's going like come on down to it was called shitty walk it was actually city but he's pronouncing it shitty come down to a shitty walk have a drink of course right and i'm dying laughing because

those are the places that used to serve me like Like back in the day, I actually still like going to those places. But I don't know. I'm going to ruin the episode. But we watched that. And then we watched this thing. This guy built this mansion, Paul, in Los Angeles that he was going to try to sell for $500 million. You have to see this thing. he started building it in 2014 ever since i i learned how to fly we've been flying over this thing and dude i'm telling you one yes at the top

of bel air the top of bel air and we used to fly over and when they were building this thing dude it looked like a ford dealership There was like a hundred pickup trucks there. Who would live there? And Paul, and it's also one of those big white boxes, the open floor plan, that whole thing that got played out. It was like, it was like when Guns N' Roses, Axl was making Chinese democracy and he was taking so long that music changed like three times. We had to keep

updating it like the house like the housing market everything changed so this fucking guy he's built this house and now they can't sell it yeah it was like oh you have to see this house 88 bathrooms that's nuts oh it has seven pools like the master bedroom has a pool that overlooks another pool and there's a full kitchen in the master bedroom that's like a resort in hawaii there's a nightclub it's the actual size of a nightclub there's a movie theater it's the actual size of a movie theater it's the biggest environmental disaster i've ever seen in my life so the guy's doing it i think he was a little gacked up i think he did a bump or something at one point he's fucking doing this he's fucking i don't know what the guy has like 85 and a half

million dollars worth of loans or something out there man i felt bad for the guy because like how do you get out from underneath that? Dude, it's like, it's this story that has been going on in LA people that live in LA and that in real estate and people that pay attention to have been watching this thing because the whole thing was Saudi Prince. Saudi Prince is the only guy who can afford that thing. Like who's going to, uh, dude, wait, if you ever come if you ever let me take you up in a helicopter We'll go up with a fucking

Instructor or whatever Who lives in it now? Nobody It sold in 2019 No it didn't Is this I don't think it sold unless it's old Let me see a picture of it

dude he just no no he just made that's a different house dude okay this is not the 94 million no okay my bad no he said 500 million dude 500 million 500 million dollars paul it had a 50 car garage oh my god dude that's like professional athlete like professional sports organization owner and then the best part is dude the the guest house was like your house and my house put together with this sick ass and finger pool pa Paul, there was a track you could run. It was like a mile around the house. You had your own track. I want a man cave with a pool table. No, Paul, wait, it gets better. And then underneath the guest house is where your staff lives. Oh my God. Because it's going to cost like probably a million bucks a month just to

keep the place going i was good and he's walking down the hall after walking through this whole epic thing just going like this is a you know a wash closet that's from rome specifically made do the guys walking around the whole building go he goes look at that right there look at that light you see that light you you wouldn't know it from here because the wall's so big. That light is 12 feet high. It's a 12 foot. You can't tell because the wall's so big. That's a 12 foot high wall. I had to make it custom. And all I'm thinking is like, okay, so I played wiffle ball and I hit that fucking light. Now what do I do? Oh my God. I got to call the home Depot in fucking Florence, Italy to make a new one. You got to go downstairs, dude. They go downstairs beneath the guest house, which, dude,

was like 5,000, 6,000 square feet with an infinity pool. So underneath it, he was just walking down this. Now you feel like you look like you're on a ship. This is where the staff would live. Like these people wouldn't fucking kill you. He was like, guest quarters, guest quarters, he was like guest quarters guest quarters guest quarters guest quarters guest quarters just going right down the fucking line and he goes you can fit upwards of four people so my wife goes that's like a metaphor that in order to live like that

other people have to be stacked up like fucking logs. And I was sitting there going, the only way you survive in that house is if you let the help live in the guest house and they can go in the pool every fucking night. I would be sending them steaks down. I'd send their kids to college. That's the only way I could sleep because there was not a panic room in that house.

Like, what do I do when the staff attacks me? That gave me anxiety thinking about the responsibility of that. Not to mention the taxes. Paul, they had two wine cellars, this fucking wine cellar, Paul, I swear to God was like, it looked like it was a hundred feet high. Like you could have enough wine, Paul. If everybody at the Superbowl got boozed for like a week straight, it's just like, what are you going to do with all that? The movie room dude, once again, had like 30 foot tower for candy. I went over to a guy's house one time.

We had like a home theater. So he did the MTV Cribs thing where he filled up all the candies. There's like five people living there. They got enough. They got enough. They got enough fucking candy for Halloween forever. I go, hey i'm gonna get one of those hershey kisses he goes yeah and i opened it up and it was like it was stale almost broken tooth it's the stupidest thing ever dude so they were sitting there going like

at one point the guy and then they got this fucking guy who's dressed all crazy, just going like, this is insane. Oh yeah, look at that lamp. That is unbelievable. The whole time, right? There it is, Paul. There it is. What? Yeah, he tried to get a helipad on it,

which they wouldn't let him do. What? Yeah, a bowling alley. I forgot the bowling alley. A tennis court. Oh, my God. I don't know if you said it, Bill, but it did default three weeks ago. Yeah.

165 million in debt. He's got cars in. Paul, he's just paying to dress the house he rented those cars all right hit pause hit pause hit pause pause pause pause all right you see the pool up top yeah it has a glass wall all around it where'd you go right there it's got a glass wall around it like you're in the pool you can see the whole person no matter how much you run to water that's off that's your pool for the main for the the the that's the uh what do you call the master bedroom that also has a kitchen and it has its own pool and you can literally jump off of that pool i wouldn't recommend it into the out into the main pool oh my god and then then I think that that other place, the building on,

if you keep going past the pool, that's where the guest house is. That's 5,000 square feet. Okay, there you go. See how it's got glass on the side, like the pool that's up top? Can you imagine, Paul? Into a hot tub. Oh, my God, dude. All right, and if you look on the side, you can't tell,

but that's also an infinity pool. That's like a moat that goes all the way around it. That other hot tub, Paul, that is, that is like, you could fit like fucking 50 people in there. You can't even understand the scope of how big it is. And on the other side of the moat, that's a track. You can just run around the house. Oh my God, dude. But what's great is it has like like glass So all the rich people there can look at you All annoyed As you run like fucking You get your 10,000 steps

And just walking around your house Now where is this Bill? This is up in the hills? That's in Bel Air Okay stop right there Oh is that a golf hole? Is that a golf hole? Yeah

That's a little putting green up there I'm sorry I felt bad for the guy who built it, man This guy just fucking He just went off, man And I don't know what happened He couldn't sell the damn thing But dude, like those pools and that grass

Is above the rest of the house So they had to like dig in and create soil Even like the palm trees Like The driveway looks like a parking lot. Yeah. And it's an architectural Marvel. And it's all at the same time. It's one of the biggest waste of materials of all time.

And here's this guy here. This is the guy that made it, man. It's like if Josh Adam Myers fucking stop doing the goddamn comedy jam. Oh man. Holy shit dude dude you have to watch it man i will definitely watch this is nuts that's the guy that bought it yeah it's becoming this huge like soap opera now because now i think super rich people are just sitting there going like this thing is now gonna go for like so much less money what can i get it for and the guys that loan the money out just want to get their money back so but they were even like suggesting like this property is so fucking big and ridiculous like at one point to save it where you could kind of keep it was i guess he was suggesting that they um that they just rent it out for like parties like something

with like a netflix thing i don't know what paul yeah dude like this like have weddings there but i'm telling you this is a great thing to watch with your wife. It's just, it's fucking hilarious. And this guy is like, this is a month after I think the creditors were coming after him. So this guy is amped up trying to sell this fucking thing. I'm trying not to talk shit because, you know, anybody can lose in business. So, um, Hey Bill, you know, I'm bad with money and I love shit like this. This is too much for me to, I would never want that fucking responsibility. 400 foot long jogging track. Sorry. You can't walk around the whole thing.

400 foot's kind of silly. You'd like run there and back to 600 workers. That's a balcony off of the main bedroom that looks down into the office oh my oh i gotta see this thing that's something he flew in from fucking italy he met his soulmate and they were married eight months then they got divorced this guy is like i'm telling you this guy is like it's like the tiger king meets a fucking developer it's unbelievable this guy has like nine nine movies in him oh my god i seriously saw like three different movies and maybe like a netflix series just watching this whole thing did it say how many bathrooms are like look how this guy's dressed like what is this guy doing? Three bedrooms in the...

Oh, my God. Okay, those rings there, he had some guy... Oh, the name of the house, Paul, it's called The One. And he has it written in, like, fucking, like, gold in, like, the driveway. 50-car garage. In the 50-car garage. Oh, my God, dude. Holy sh... Dude, you know how, like, few people could afford this? In the 50 car garage. Oh my God, dude. Holy shit.

Dude, you know how like few people could afford this? Oh, yeah, right there, right there. It says the one, the one Bel Air. Dude, that's the walk-in closet for the woman. 35, oh my God, dude. The worst part is, Paul, there's a cigar bar in it. Oh my God. And they blow through it oh my and he hasn't like he has like uh five thousand bottles of wine it says a bowling alley yeah you never have to leave never ever in the nizzy indoor pool paul case it fucking rains out the five days it rains out that

year that wall is alive that's moss that is alive on the wall i can't believe how much of this i remember i got exhausted watching it oh my god hey white leather white leather, white leather, Paul, you gotta look. I'll tell you what kills me is where it's at in Bel Air. That part of the fucking four Oh five that is caught on fire. And the fire has jumped that freeway. Like I swear to God three times in the last 10 years. So this was big enough to have your own fire department up there. So wait, he can fly his helicopter on top or no no they wouldn't let him do it they wouldn't they wouldn't let him do it um which is understandable all those neighbors

or anything dr phil wants that fucking thing zipping in and out of there if he can't do it dude it's 105000 square feet. That's a lot of, that's a lot of throw rugs, Paul. Oh my God. This guy is fucking balling. It is the most bananas. That is not. I've ever fucking seen. And they said it was big enough, Paul, that you could have 2000 guests just in the nightclub.

I think that's a little high, but I'm like, where are they going to park? Here's how crazy that is. Bill, if you have $2 billion, you can't afford that. Well, I wouldn't, yeah, you shouldn't buy it. That's what I'm saying. Like you could get it, but I mean, it'd be all of your money. It would be all of your money taxes everything that goes into it yearly upkeep on that not to mention the cars dude that is like dude that is like yeah that's like so saudi prince or like dude you just hire a landscaper that is just a lifetime contract you only you only work here you never leave oh my god that's too much what about the cigar bar paul

he had like digital posters of all old playboys on the wall dude he had a whole glass thing of just bowling shoes for the ball. And here's the thing. When you, they say, when you love your house, or when you get a house, you spend most of your time in like three rooms. You let you kind of pick your quarters. So what are you doing with that? Yeah. I mean, you wouldn't be able to see your kids. You wouldn't be able to see your kids. Like I'd be calling my son and daughter where are you guys now we're at a pool we're at the seventh pool

yeah people were joking on youtube about uh uh losing your phone in that house i'll tell you what everyone's saying about that guy looks like a lot of fun to hang out with though i will tell you that oh my god you imagine that i mean that will tell you that. Oh my God. You imagine that guy. I mean, that guy's, you know, he's that guy's got stories that that guy has. Oh my God. Having that kind of money. I'm sitting here bitching about the fucking losing, losing the Raiders bet. Hey, let's tell some stories.

I'm going to go first. I think you should close this. I'll buy you the Raiders. No, dude. He was fucking dude. The guy was fuckingiders. No, dude. He was fucking... Dude. The guy was fucking gacked too, man. I think he did a couple of bumps before that one, man.

I'm not even joking. One point he like fucking rubbed his arm. Like... But it's totally understandable, Paul. The guy met a chick And went through a divorce All during the pandemic And this fucking thing came to a head Oh my god

And he's in this video Last ditch effort to dump this on somebody He's gonna lose He's gonna lose hundreds of millions on that house No, the people who loaned him money are Oh right, right They're the ones that are freaking out and people people don't understand when they watch it is that's our money

all of us fucking minions put our money in the bank and then they're legally allowed to loan out not only a hundred percent of it two and a half times what you even put in there so they kind of counterfeit money they're loaning out money that doesn't exist. And then you get some guy like this with this crazy vision. What was that movie Ed Harris was in when he was fucking painting and he was all crazy? He did the house version of this shit. Didn't they even go up there to see what the fuck he was doing? Oh my God, dude. That got me anxious.

That got me anxious. That house got me anxious. That's too much, dude. Can you imagine that guy putting his head down on the pillow with $125 million of loans out there and the house ain't moving? My God, no. And he didn't have, I mean, I'm sure he does somewhere else, but like, I would have spent my money different, man. I would have spent my money different. You know, you get a $5 million house, get a jet,

get some horses by a fucking farm. I love how it started modest five, you know, 5 million, which is even modest, but that was the most modest part of it. And then everything else is how you go broke, flying private horses, a yacht, dude, five. I worry that you might have to make it twice there's guys like you and show business man they have their first million there's a couple you ever hear chris rock talking about buying the red corvette when he was

on snl what he did with his first money yeah and then he fucking smartened up real quick yeah yeah it's it's they say the car is one of the dumbest one the first one like people go big cars like they get a little money because you know somebody thinks if they get a million dollars they could afford a ferrari but it's kind of like yeah i mean you can a million dollars is about 425 grand when you're done with it in California. It's criminal, dude. Yeah. You're going to have to pay, you got to pay the fucking people that are trying to help you pay as little taxes as possible. And then once the government takes their 50, whatever's left,

yeah, it's going to be about four 25. And now you need to go fucking, you know, furnish your house so what are you really left with and you went out and bought a ferrari yeah and if the ferrari is 200 then what then 300 to 300 000 yeah you just whacked you all that money in half like that with a car which depreciates instantly well Well, a Ferrari actually doesn't. Ferrari is actually out of all the cars. It is an investment, but you're going to be eating ramen noodles next to your investment. But will you get all of the money back for the Ferrari? It doesn't depreciate at all. You know, a lot of those, uh, Barrett Jacksons, like if you buy the right one, I'm not a big, you you know supercar guy surprise surprise but

like when i watch those things um you know the magnum pi one isn't worth shit there's a few of them that just aren't popular but like um you know ones with low miles, that Spider one, I always see that one come up. Still goes for like those Ford, that, what's that, the 24 Hours of Le Mans, that Ford, that one. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not the Shelby, is it? For some reason, I'm picking the Mustang Mach one. I don't know. It's the Ford, what is that car called, Andrew?

The mid-engine one that one fucking lamont's they made a movie about it yeah for gt isn't that what it's called the ford gt dude i have a i think that was the fuck it's called i have somebody close to me that went on a rant yesterday and bill you would have fucking left he was talking about all the taxes they're taking and he just fucking lost it he He goes, if you fucking, let me tell you something. He dude, I, I was just listening and he goes, I want to find somebody. This is what he said. He goes, I want to find somebody who went to jail for tax evasion.

I want to find somebody that went to jail for tax evasion. And I want to shake their fucking hand because they, these fucking criminals have no fucking right to take it. You should tax evade. Fuck, dude. He just went. I was thinking to myself, how much money? I know, and that's probably the same guy who didn't want to vote for Bernie Sanders because he wanted to fucking reset the thing, you know, during the big fucking bullshit they did in 2008.

He was like, let him fail and we'll fucking start over again. And everybody's like, you commie socialist and blah, blah, blah, and inflation keeps going. I don't want to get into this because Andrew actually knows what he's talking about. And I'm just talking shit. Andrew will scare the shit out of you. Well, no, all I'm saying is the fact, what you just said that if somebody got handed a million dollar check that they grossed and they're getting under half of that is fucking incredibly gross. It's, it's, it's criminal.

It's the Fordd gt40 okay there ford you thought i was gonna come up with bad news and tell you that 40 of every dollar in circulation was printed this year but i didn't say that i just said it was the ford gt40 yeah dude i got a bunch of uh i have a bunch of stand-up dates next year my biggest tour i'm ever gonna do and like you're gonna be lucky if i buy a shirt i am not i am not doing this shit to have to keep doing it i'm doing this shit because i'm gonna enjoy it paul i swear you have no idea how much i just want to be an old man sitting on the back porch and people going hey didn't you used to do stuff? Yes, I did. And now it's your turn, Sonny. You go do the stuff.

I've done enough stuff. I'm right with you, man. Make sure the family's good. Sit and now just fucking watch surfers. My daughter came downstairs today, right? The magical age that they're at. She came downstairs today right the magical age that they're at she came downstairs today she heard me making a smoothie at like you know 5 15 in the morning she comes downstairs and uh she's like hey dad i was like hey buddy what are you doing up and she just goes dad i want to tell you something i want to tell you something i want to tell you something dad i want to tell you something she

always says everything like five times. And I go, what's that buddy? She's like, I don't like when you leave. It's like, Oh God. Oh my God. I don't like when I leave either buddy, but I'll, you know, I'm going to be back really soon. And I always tell, I go, this is how, you know, this is how we get more fruit loops. I mean, I have to go to work when I come back, you know, we'll go swimming, we'll ride bikes and all. So I don't want to like, uh, yeah, I'm getting a bunch of shit off the table here.

Shooting my special efforts for family is wrapped up and I'm taking my, uh, my check ride for my instrument, uh, rating my helicopter. And then I just, it's just like tumbleweeds other than my stand-up dates and i'm kind of like yeah i'll just do that i'm just gonna fucking stay i want to stay at home with them when they're when they're until once i see them start being like dad you know you're cramping my style or whatever the fuck they'll say when they get to their age then i'll be like all, they need a little more space, you know, but, um,

the greatest thing about the pandemic is I realized how much I like being home with my family and all of that shit. And like, um, um, I kind of got really on the same page with my wife about a lot of that stuff about like, um, you know, the disease of more, you know, every time, you know, you get a house, then you fill it up with shit. Then you think you need a bigger house. And it's like, no, why don't we get rid of some shit? And then that's what we did. Why don't we just fucking stay here?

The fuck is wrong with this place? Stay here. Oh, well, I'd really like to have something like this. Well, we'll go rent one of those for a weekend and we'll enjoy it. And then we'll leave it. Yeah. Rent that 500 million. Let somebody else pay the fucking taxes on it. No, man. You know, this one guy said something and it really, and I don't do this and I would say I'm the best out of all my friends at it. I'm the best at it. You know what I don't do when I'm out? This guy goes, if you're out with somebody and you look at your phone, if you're out to dinner with somebody and you look at your phone, if

you're out with your family and you're looking at your phone, a, it's like my daughter, you say everything five times. It's like nine times. It's maybe you got it in my head. It's incredibly disrespectful. A and B it's the guy was saying how much of an addiction it is that you're so fucking self-involved with your shit. Not you. I'm saying you're so, so people are so totally addicted to my phone and they're just looking at their phone and they're literally a steak in front of them with good company and a glass of wine. And I don't fucking do it anymore. And my kids, like we went into a restaurant they're buried i'm no dude we're eating as a family put the fucking phone down you're gonna watch that

dumb shit all night i know we're on the fucking you're talking to somebody that's right in front of you man and what i've been doing lately is i try to leave it upstairs yeah and then i'll be downstairs and like i didn't know idea how much, like I fact check, fact check. I go on the internet. I just look up information and presume it's that it's facts that I do when I watch TV. Like I watch, um, I watched the untouchables, that TV series. I'm just sort of binge watching that thing.

It's just fun. Robert Stack and all of those guys. And, um, and I always try to see like, you know, if the people are still alive, what their career looked like. And there's so many just incredible actors. Dude, I saw this guy. But, I mean, I spent all that time on the phone. And sometimes I miss the episode.

I got to, like, rewind it and shit. So I try to, like, watch those episodes now without my phone or else I will literally be that guy. But dude, there was a guy this week, the episode I watched, the guy's name's Timothy Carey. And he gave the wildest performance. He was just this, uh, this hit man for the mobster. And his thing was, he liked, he liked fire and he liked burning people. And the guy, the way way he was talking he sounded like he was drunk and he's making all these crazy faces but he looked legitimately like fucked up and i looked this guy up timothy

carey and it said he specialized in playing maniacs wow how great is that i text a buddy of mine and he was telling me the movie to watch it. What the fuck was the movie? I don't know what the fuck it was, but this guy, like, he was kind of famous for some movie where he was in a Marlon Brando movie and he squirted water on him. It was supposed to be beer. And I guess Marlon didn't want him to do it.

And the guy did it anyways. He didn't give a fuck that it was Brando. He was like a fearless actor. And my buddy was saying he kind of had like a nick cage kind of thing where he did like all this offbeat stuff and you kind of think that that wasn't going on back then and it was it was a lot of really really great actors back then that were making these big like choices that just take balls you know what i mean like the whole crew's watching you like this is either gonna fucking lay a giant egg or they're gonna be like dude that was the shit um but anyways look at me fucking add i'm talking about this stuff i was talking

about being on the phone too much no man i think what you said before hit it on the head where it's like the the pandemic made made you realize like it's almost kind of sad our behavior you know that we just performers need this attention and it's all about them and it's all about like us and it's like i'm gonna leave the dinner table to go do a spot so a handful of strangers in new york city will give me some sense of approval it's like what the fuck am I doing? I know. But once you figure that out and you focus your attention where it should be, then you realize that you just have the funnest job ever. Just have fun. That's right. Just have fun. It's really easy to forget how fun your job is when you're putting all your emotional needs into it.

You know, when you in like, no matter how much the crowd gives you, they're all going home and they're leaving. And then you can do the sad thing, hang out with a few of them and go to the bar and sit there and drink. And then in the end, they're going home and you're just sitting there. Yeah. That's true, man. That's right. I will tell true man that's right i will tell you that's the best thing about uh the way i've done the road for like i don't know how many years now you know um certainly since i stopped drinking but even when i drank i would just go somewhere with you guys but i i'm really proud of the fact that i just for the most part i just fucking went home i went either i went out to a dive bar

or I just went back to the hotel. Going back to the hotel room, dude, was so fucking underrated. Oh, watching a movie and just like laying there, falling asleep is the best. Going back, any young comics, I know you're afraid you're going to miss something, but I'm telling you, go back to your hotel room,

stone fucking sober. Yeah, you're going to miss a hangover. That's all you're going to miss. It bothers me as the elevator's going up. And then once I get there, I'm like, Oh man, I could order some food or something. I could watch a movie. And then it says that you're going to get eight hours sleep. You're going to wait up, write some jokes, and then you're going to fucking, you know, you got the whole day, go to the gym. You know what, you know what I realized? I haven't opened for you like opened, like in, in going over three years. So we go to football games and stuff, but like, I realized that, but we did it right

when we did it. It was fun because we looked forward to the scotch and the, and the, and the cigar. Cause it was just us. It was just us. Even when we were on a bus tour, it was just us watching good fellas going through Alabama, eating fucking provolone, eating cheese, you know? So we did it good, but we were out of trouble. I mean, we fuck, we beat the shit out of our bodies, but we did it in house.

It all stayed in the locker room. We did it in house. Oh dude. Yeah. Those were the, those were the, those are some of the fondest, uh, those memories. I'm proud of the fact that you the, those are some of the fondest, uh, those memories. I'm proud of the fact that you don't open for me because I knew I wanted you to go on to like headline and all that stuff. Cause you know, Paul, I don't bring cupcakes out on the road. Don't do it. No, we were talking about that. How the best headliners don't, how the best headliners want the guy before them to go. Okay. All right.

Now I don't want a lifer opener. That's depressing to me for, for everybody. Yeah. It's depressing to watch it going like, cause I saw, you know, I've been in this business long enough where I saw people who their gig was opening for somebody and the person stops touring focuses more on acting or they die nowadays, you know, somebody could get canceled and it's just like, now what the fuck are you going to do? You know what? I remember I was in a green room and it was like the last couple of times I opened for you and I was in a green room and someone came in and they're like,

all right, you know, you're going to do 15, 20 sitting there. And like, I knew I was like, yeah, this isn't, this is not, it's, it's, it's time. And then me and you, I remember me and, I knew I was like, yeah, this isn't, this is not it's it's it's time. And then me and you, I remember me and you smoking and you were like, yeah, the only thing that sucks is that we're going to, but we're like, ah, we're always going to hang. But yeah. Like to be that guy who's okay doing that for life. I think, um, I heard that there were some guys that were cool with have being like,

like I opened for this guy for his career and like and that's cool like if you're happy with that but for me it was like all right you know taking it that's true because i'm projecting what i wanted onto their happiness maybe some people are happy doing that i just for me it just fucking it depresses me like to to see that i don't i don't want to like i don't know what i don't know what that is you feel like you're keeping them from something yeah um yeah you don't want to uh it's like yeah no dude this is what you're supposed to do like and then you know but we always keep it in house have a good time hey we're always going to a game we're always doing some shit we're always hanging i remember opening for charlie murphy rest his soul uh it was me him and donnell rawlings who by the way i had to go on after at the laugh

factory after he fucking murdered doing some of the best shit the best shit i've ever seen him do you get a chance to see him man he's fucking killing it and um i was out on the road with those guys and i just knew you know i got to a certain point it was like, um, I gotta go back. I went out from October until the end of February. And we went out every single fucking weekend. And, uh, I was never been so burned out. I never wrote less, but at one point I was just like, I just had to make the call. I remember I got the HBO half hours. Like I need to go out and get my half hour together and the first headlining gig i did this i'd been headlining for years that was 0405 so i'd been headlining on the road since like 95 96 96 probably so i could do 45 50 no problem when i got off that tour dude i was struggling to do 45 because i'd been doing 2025

just for like five months i was that rusty and i was down in miami remember the improv like oh white white comics don't do well down here there's more latino market and it was that weird one had a great green room because it was right behind the stage was that weird thing where it was like it was that weird shaped room remember like the back of the room was like five feet Cause it was right behind the stage. It was that weird thing where it was like, it was that weird shaped room. Remember like the back of the room was like five feet away. It was like a swimming pool shaped room, really bizarre. And, um, that was like a big life lesson. I was just like, Oh wow. That's how quickly it's like you, your act like atrophies. Like, you know, if you don't stretch and do the whole range of motion, all of a sudden you get frozen shoulder. I had the, the standup act version of that. Um, speaking of which Paul, I got a show here tonight and I got to get ready for red rock. So I got to make sure you're in

Denver. I'm in St. Louis, Louis right now. By the time this comes out, I'll be, uh, St. Louis Cardinals are 17 straight. One of the biggest streaks they've ever had be St. Louis Cardinals are 17 straight. One of the biggest streaks they've ever had to St. Louis Cardinals baseball team won 17 straight games. Yeah, they were, they had in, I think in August, they had a point like their percentage of go to the playoffs was two right now. They clinched, they won seven dude for a baseball team to win 17 straight. That's the equivalent.

I think of a basketball team almost winning 30 straight. They were completely out of it. And now they just like, I think August 8th, they had a 2% chance to make the playoffs. And then they just fucking ran 17 straight. Did they make a move or anything? No, I think they just said pitching got hot, you know, baseball starting pitching hit timely hits and shit like that.

But look at the Red Sox and Yankees. You guys couldn't beat us. And then all of a sudden we couldn't win. You couldn't lose. Dude, we got hot. You guys got cold. And then you guys just swept us. We won 13 straight most since 85 and then lost 11 out of 13.

It's like this whole year is just like a streaky year. But yeah, man, what you said after I dumped that special, I went to the stand and I went on stage and I just like, I, I, it was, I was just, I had nothing and it was behind me and it was like out of me. And I'm like, and I was just going and I'm like, Oh, did I just miss a tag? Cause it was done. It was just like, I, you know, um, but anyway, guys, thank you guys so much for listening to anything better podcast has been another, come on guys. You know what the show is best fucking podcast out there. Episode 35 and keep liking, keep subscribing, get it anywhere. You get your podcast, Spotify, iTunes, uh, all those places where you get your podcast, please uh reviews houston texas i'm coming

to the improv october 15th through the 17th and the wilba kid the wilba what is it the wilba wilba kid how do you say it will wilba wilba theater uh october 22nd guys tickets are going i want to sell that thing out so uh get uh, get tickets to that and, uh, yeah, man, see bill everywhere. Anywhere bill is check out the Verzi effect or Monday morning podcast, Andrew, am I forgetting anything else? I got Atlanta coming up. I got Atlanta coming up. Ooh, ATL a little, uh, Johnny's hideaway. Yeah. I'm hoping to get on the podcast. Miss Pat,

I was supposed to interview her on um monday of this weekend my fucking cold i caught from my my daughter brought this cold home from school and i was worried it was covid so i didn't get tested or whatever but uh you gotta watch her show dude yeah no she's she's great and uh the show is so great. They somehow, like, someone who, like, is as raw as the way she works and is doing a sitcom back in the day was like the kiss of death. And, like, they somehow totally just kept her voice. That's a fucking great show, man. That's fucking awesome.

Really great show. So I'm hoping when I'm down there, she'll do it that way. But whatever, that's an upcoming guest. I'm sort of pre'm down there, shoot that way. And whatever. That's an upcoming guest. I'm sort of pre-hyping that for the Monday morning podcast at some point. That's going to happen. And there you go. You guys will hear our picks on our week four NFL preview. So enjoy that.

And that's it. On the Thursday afternoon podcast, they'll hear that. That's it. We will see you guys next week. Take care. Thank you.