Anything Better? - Crease In My Sneakers

Episode Date: April 17, 2022

Is there Anything Better than Bill & Paul talking about a grown man's sneaker obsession and f*cking in the green jacket.

what's up everybody and welcome back to the anything better podcast with your host paul versi bill burr producer andrew themless the greek freak out there in beverly hills and you guys are listening to episode number 58 bill Bill, who do we have for 58? All right. Well, we have the one and only. I mean, there's only one 58 in football as far as I'm concerned, and that is Jack Lambert of the Super Steelers. The steel curtain, the heart and soul, 4-3 defense,

pumping the legs, missing the teeth. Jack Lambert, honorable mention. Derek Thomas. I mean, that's a Hall of Fam Lambert, honorable mention. Derek Thomas. I mean, that's a Hall of Famer. Rest his soul. Derek Thomas was an animal. And Max Speedy, who I'm going to guess played back with leather helmets. And then we got some baseball ones.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. We can't forget two-time Super Bowl champion Carl Banks of the New York Football Giants. Okay, Carl Banks, Wilbur Marshall, Vaughn Miller. Oh, Vaughn Miller's got two rings too. banks are the new york football giants okay carl banks wilbur marshall von miller oh von miller's got two rings too um pete brock i think he was in eagles blair bush rip hawkins i mean how deep are we going to go here i got to go so i have to get the uh i got to get the baseball ones um baseball has one of your favorite players of all time just as far as the look on his face I got to go. So I have to get the, I got to get the baseball ones. Baseball has one of your favorite players of all time,

just as far as the look on his face for your Boston Red Sox. Papelbon. Yeah. You loved it. You hated when he did the, you hated, I love when theo epstein made him stop doing the river dancing oh that was the best he told him to stop doing it yeah when he was drunk and he was like in speedos and he was doing that irish dance or whatever and then theo uh what's his name theo epstein just goes just goes no dude you dude, dude. You didn't want that. I don't remember that.

It's funny a Yankee fan remembers that. You're just trying to find something, what, because he won a championship out there in Colorado? Beat the Colorado Rockies, Paul. Oh, that was. 2007, yeah, that's what happened. So, you mean man can't do a river dance? Paul, you got a thing. I'm dance paul you got a thing i'm telling

you you got a thing with irish guys i don't even know why you're friends with me he's not irish but you didn't like the eye he's fucking redhead he's doing an irish dance you don't like it no my favorite thing my favorite thing was not him winning a world series being our closer your favorite thing is when a guy with brown hair told that ginger bastard to stop doing his fucking Irish dance. No. I got to tell you something. I'm a little triggered. I love Irish kids.

I've always I've always got along with sound like a racist. I love black people. Some of my best friends are Irish. I mean, what do we what do we do it here? Oh, man. i love the jews i mean that is the number one thing somebody says after they just said something fucked up yeah no but come on man i'm not i i you just said that because we were gambling and we had two guys to pick from and every time i oh my god we're at the masters and anytime there was a connor or a fit something seamus seamus who do you want paul ah the other guy you took guys from spain you took australia you took guys from all over the world you would not bet on one guy that sounded like he fucking was in Angela's ashes that's so funny

dude yeah we were at the masters we were sitting on 15 as we do and each each pair that came over we would just bet him you know what I mean most of the times they got the same score kept an interesting and every time I'd go to Paul who do you like and that you you would just not take the Irish guy. Bill always took Rory. The guy was on fire. If he was shitting the bed, I wouldn't have taken him. The guy was on fire. He had a monster Sunday. One stroke away from the course record.

He shot a 64. The record round is a 63. Dude, you know what I did when I came home? And you should do this because they have his entire fucking last round up on the internet. It's a three-hour watch. Jack Nicholson. Jack Nicholson. Nicholas.

Sorry. Jesus. Get my... Jack's confused there. 1986. At 46 to come back and win his sixth green jacket. I sat and watched that thing, dude. I mean, I'm telling you.

If you ever get a two-hour cigar, that's something to watch. I just watched it in my bedroom. The funniest thing about this is nobody understands the pressure, and they just found out that Scotty Schiffler, the guy who won it, was crying like a baby. He fucking admitted this. He was crying like a baby the night before. So after he was in a lead Saturday, he's crying like a baby the night before so after he was in

elite saturday he's crying like a baby he's like dude this pressure i don't blah blah and his wife just goes dude if you fucking win or lose like she's like i don't give a fuck i'm here you know and everything like that just go and have fun yeah that's what she says yeah yeah that's what she says and then he loses then that other guy's walking off, Paul. No. And then they get into a fight in six months and something happens. Yeah. Just like on 17.

Exactly. You know, you don't let the little things get to you. How about that three foot putt you missed on the back nine? You couldn't handle Rory fucking coming down your throat, could you? Fucking breathing on your neck. Ever since you missed that putt, I go to town and I have to hear the whispers behind my back. How about you

sink a money putt once in your fucking life? I can't go to Trader Joe's. So I can hang out with whoever Tiger's banging now. You know how many times I got to go to Whole Foods and hear somebody go, that could happen to anybody. I'm sick and tired of being consoled.

Win a fucking major. Dude, let's be honest. Listen, this is big boy pussy here okay this is green all got a little green jacket on your dick oh shit relationship is over dude how many guys have won the masters how many guys have won the real question i love it already because i already know i'm already picturing what the scenario is how many guys have won the real question? I love it already. Cause I already know that I'm already picturing what the scenario is. How many guys have won the masters, got their girl naked,

put it on her and fucked her in the jacket. I went the other way. I was picturing the guy wearing the jacket, nothing but the jacket and his golf shoes. And he's standing up and she blows him. No, he puts it on her. He puts it on her and fucks her with the green jacket on. That's had to happen, dude.

That has had to happen. And I got to tell you something, Paul. That is the downfall of men right there. We're just sitting here. The level of accomplishment that that's at and then you would literally just put that jacket on somebody who can't even fucking you know play miniature golf because your dick goes this is what you should do with this what about but how what about if there was a cool chick and she goes i'll be right back and then she comes out of the

bathroom naked nothing on but the green jacket and i would like to think that i had enough pimp in me to be like get that fucking jacket off oh dude i would fucking don't you disrespect i could you know i wouldn't say that i'd be like it looks better on you than it looks on me you know i wouldn't say that come on no i know i'd be a little annoyed afterwards when i came down from what happened no i would be thinking clear again i'd be like wait a minute did she just put that fucking jacket on i mean kenny perry's still driving in his car his family hasn't seen him

since oh seven dude i had to push down all right so let's go let's do this you know someday paul she's gonna come at you and say as much pressure as you had winning the masters that was nothing compared to giving birth yeah but i got one for you okay i got one for you and i think our fans will like this what what's worse bill you got a three-stroke lead at the Masters on Sunday, and you're coming into 16. So you got 16, 17, and 18, and you've had the lead for a while, but you got a guy coming down, breathing down your neck, okay? And you fucking blow that and lose it. That, okay? A turnover in a Super Bowl while your team is driving down for the win, missed field goal for a Superbowl or like striking out in a world series. Like what's a worse,

what's a worse loss? Well, I would say just as far as the amount of people that see it and how football fans behave. Right. Football is the worst. Yeah, you're right. Golf is the longest. Golf is like you just parading down Main Street. I am shitting the bed now. Look at me, everybody.

You're walking in your bomb. Yes. It's like back when the president used to walk up Pennsylvania Avenue to get inaugurated. Yeah. It's like the only thing that doesn't happen in golf is in the end you don't get tarred and feathered on the 18th hole carried out by a mob. That's the only thing. But I would say just as far as the duration of it and the difficulty of the activity of golf. Like no other sport, when you get in your head, can you look that bad?

I mean, I guess maybe an infielder gets the yips, throws it in the stands, hits an old lady. But even then, it's over. Like the next play, they can hit it to the third baseman, and you're sitting there in Little League. Oh, thank God he didn't hit it's over. Like the next play, they can hit it to the third baseman, and you're sitting there in Little League. Oh, thank God he didn't hit it to me. Yeah. But every time you have to come up and hit that fucking ball.

16's got the water hazard. Then you got a four and a four, but 18's that narrow. I don't know. Okay, so if you go to the same deli, if you go to the same deli every day for your sandwich and you don't go. That's it. How long of a break do you take or you never go back? You either walk down there that night and get a sandwich and just look down and be like, all right, let's hear it.

Then they feel bad. Or you never go there again. You start a whole new life somewhere else but you just have to know that every every time the people in the deli get high they laugh and that fucking bitch never came in again no you have to go back you'd have to go back soon you'd have to go back early and be like oh boy just walk in and go well i fucked I fucked that up. I'll have the usual. That's it. Just fucking like a man. You got to get a bacon, egg and cheese and a length of rope.

Just kidding. I'll just take the rope. Thank you. Hey, the sandwich was the length of that putt. Is that aspirin? You got anything stronger? I'm about ready to take a bath oh my god oh my god but that you got to give that kid credit man he went wire to wire dude

he went fucking wire to wire dude going wire to wire at the masters is rare i think that's why they have the crowd has to be quiet in golf because choking is such a train wreck if you could actually heckle like norman you suck and he's standing all there is there's a rope between you and him and he has a club in his hand he could just fucking snap yeah take out a row of people. So I think you just have to sit there like the man has a club in his hand. Yeah. Keep it quiet.

I think the only reason why you can yell in hockey is because there's a barrier. Yeah, well, me and you were sitting on 15, and the guy, as soon as they step on the green, the guy's going, he's pointing. Oh, yeah. I was like, all right, dude. You know. Oh yeah.

The masters definitely lets you know you're a guest. Dude, that really, they really do, man. Like you're a fucking outsider there, man. Yeah. They let you know that you are, you are invited. And, and if you mess up, that is it. Yeah. I like that guy explaining the rules. i go yeah so basically just don't

act like a jerk off and he just goes thank you um but it was great seeing tiger woods listen seeing tiger woods even though he had a little bit of a limp and he was struggling, dude, to see Tiger, his approach shots. We watched him on three, get a birdie to see him go through it. Then when he was done, he just was like, wow, like he's just like, I got to fuck it. I almost lost my leg last year and I just finished the Masters. Whatever. He ended up finishing whatever. Tied for what?

I don't know what it was. When we gave him a standing ovation at 15, he looked up and he tipped his cap. That was fucking awesome. Dude. He was like genuinely was happy. Yeah. It was fucking great.

Yeah. That was great. I watched him when he went up over 17, when he went up and over the hill after his second shot, I was just watching that red shirt disappeared thinking, I don't know when I'll ever get to see him play again. Dude. When he, yeah. I remember you saying that when he walked up and you were like, take a look at him. The only person who struggled more on Sunday than him was Bartnick.

Oh, my God. We were with our friend Joe Bartnick, who's like apparently his sciatic nerve was shooting down his leg. And he would just we would go down his leg and he would just, we would go to a hole and he would plop on the ground and start stretching. He had a woman, a stranger, try giving him a massage on the thing. It was one of the funniest things, dude. He was a mess. He was, he was a mess. I hate when, whenever his back goes out, it's just the worst. And then he gets miserable, but doesn't want to interfere in anybody else and he's just standing i can't sit down i can't sit we were a fucking we were a mess dude yeah like how old we have gotten it's just like back in the think about

when we went in 2010 we went to 15 and started drinking never stopped we were betting on the turtles going into the pond and we just sat there laughing our ass off all day and then this one we were just like okay we're trying to stay out of the sun who's got the sunscreen who's got the sunscreen everybody's blocked too dipped up i gotta tell you saturday was miserable though how fucking cold it was that felt like we were all dressed for a golf a golf tournament and we and it was like football weather in october yeah saturday if it if we were only there saturday it would have been a mess it started to light drizzle cold breezy we were freezing i'm the asshole in shorts and then the next one to no hat i finally gave you my hat i

felt so bad for you oh and then the next day it was hot and i wore pants i mean it was a fuck it was just a shit show we're staying in a fucking house and the hot tub only got to 92 so i sat i tried to make that work i mean what are you gonna do oh yeah nothing is anything worse than that fucking, but the sauna was nice. Sauna was nice. Sauna was the shit. The sauna was amazing. You know. What else did they call? It was an old house.

Bill liked that cheap. Dude, we ordered late night. Kenny, shout out to Club Soda. Kenny's like, I got to eat. He started to get hangry. He gets, Kenny gets hangry. And he goes, well, well i go you got hungry goes well nobody had dinner he got real so i got i go dude just order pies i go it's bad food i go

let's order a pepperoni a plane and then i go and you know what i go let's get three philly cheesesteak wedges and we'll chop them up we'll get them with the works. And everyone's like, that's a lot of food. Not in that house. It wasn't. That shit went quick and it was delicious. Yeah. No, the steak and cheese. Well, I got to tell you, for whatever the hell we were, Augusta, Georgia was pretty damn good. I'm really psyched I went to that event again, though, dude.

Just the first time you can't believe you're there. And the second time you can actually like take it in. And now I'm just going back. I'm watching classic masters, and I'm starting to recognize holes and all of that. Yeah. By the way, you want to talk about pressure. I guess I can't announce that, can I? I got to wait till the next one.

Hey, when's this second episode come out? We're going to do a quick break. I'm going to let Paul know in like 20 minutes so we start episode 59. Oh, okay. Okay. Well, let's go. We'll talk about something else then. It's a little teaser, Paul. I got a

pressure gig coming up. Oh, do I know it? Did you tell me yet or no? No. Oh. No. No. All right. know it did you tell me yet or no oh oh no no all right uh ah that sucked it's solo stove everybody there's nothing quite like feeling like the feeling of a gathering around a warm fire on a cool evening and a smokeless fire pit from solo stove makes your outdoor moments even more memorable. Because instead of having to constantly dodge campfire fumes, you can sit back, relax, and actually enjoy the fire.

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What, what, what impressions, can you do an impression? Wait a minute. How much money do I owe you? We were up to a hundred a person on fucking, did you ever go back and look at that? And then we also bet Red Sox-Yankees. I forget what that was a game. That I won 20 bucks. Two games to one, right? Yeah, that I won 20. 20?

You were up five, and then my turtle went in the water, so then I went up five. Turtle went in the water because that fucking golfer walked near it. Other than that, I picked the right one. Yeah, but yours could have jumped in when the golfer came. Hey, I didn't bet on a bitchy turtle like you did. I'll do that next time. Hey, your turtle wasn't phased. And then I don't know. It's either 100 or 200. But you know what? I owed you 100 from the Aaron Rodgers, then the Greek. You know what? Let's just buy me dinner.

Buy me a steak dinner when I'm out by you would call it even um what was i gonna say do you do any have you done any impressions are there any impressions you could do of anybody other than like raymond girl but like you do are there's anything you could do um yeah but i have to like hear the person i actually i can like imitate like uh like people i know that people don't know nobody knows yeah i can imitate people in my life but i don't like sit down and uh although paul gasol was there i used to do my impression of paul gasol when they would call a foul on him what was his impro what'd he do it is what he would do he would just go it's just the ref is like down when you're at the other file he just turned up he was like

i don't know what he was saying he would just i remember yeah then my head did my derrick cheater my derrick cheater this is a fastball right down the middle. No action on it. No nothing. You ready? This is Derek. And he doesn't swing it. This is what he does. Yeah. Ball one. The amount of times he got that to be called ball one.

Yeah, he would always do a better Pau Gasol. It was this. It was this. It was this uh i remember one time paul gasol was at the foul line and they were talking shit to him and he just goes 80 fellas 80 fellas and he knocked it down he was there that's awesome uh yeah i could do i can do impressions when i hear it um jim florentine you do a great jim florentine well yeah because you just stretch it out it's

fucking unreal my what what made me what made me get jim was listening to him rant about the the super bowl halftime show right he just goes yeah nobody wants to see madonna at halftime it's a fucking joke nobody wants to hear material girl fucking ac goes acdc every year the thing with jim is he stretches the end he stretches the end um yeah i'm trying to think no i don't i think I just more do like the essence like as much as we all do Bobby he doesn't talk like that no cause you know look dad

look dad I'm done with sugar dude telling you right now I know what I need to do dude dude if I can go down to the cellar dude you know I just want to do my spot dude all of a sudden this fucking new comic comes in dude and whatever he's doing well i used to call him up but i used to sing theme songs

i used to sing theme songs of old shows to him in his doing the impression of him where you replaced every other word with dude. Like once I swear to God, I did the whole Mary Tyler Moore show song. Oh, it's so funny. Who can turn your dudes on with his dude? Who can take another dude? And it just kept just kept going well it's you dude and you should know he called back because he didn't every time he thought i was gonna stop i kept going oh it's so funny the whole fucking song yeah i imitate my wife but she doesn't sound like that. I just do like what she sounds like in my head.

Oh, dude, you tried to do me. You did an impression of me at the thing, and it was like over the top peshy. You're like, what the fuck, Gabby? You got some pizza. I was like, I don't sound like that. You guys want to eat? Get something to eat? No?

Get a little action on the game? Oh, Bartnick. I could do a little Bartnick. Bartnick. Oh, yeah. When Bartnick gets excited, he starts scratching. He starts squinting. What about you? You're fucking sitting there telling me that i'm watching you he's walking when we're in uh what the hell were we birmingham alabama and you were walking like

you had fake legs i couldn't figure out what was going on and then it turned out you said i don't want to crease my sneakers yeah we were we were and then like an like an hour later we're like taking a fucking steam or something you're like yeah i got this pain in my hip you think that's not like cancer or something is it i was trying to tell you it's like dude the way you're walking yeah we were walking from a breakfast spot we were walking from a breakfast spot in downtown birmingham and they were walking i go guys sorry dude i just got to walk a little slower. And they like looked at me like, what's wrong? And I go, nah, dude, the new Air Force ones, they crease real easy. So I got it. And I was walking on my heels and like my started getting cramps in my lower back and my hips. So it's like, I got to stop. I got to just start walking,

running shoes when I walk now. Why don't you just walk like a person? I mean, how much are those Air Force Ones? No, they're like a buck ten, a pop, and I get like three of them. Those are 110 bucks now? Yeah. Those are $110. $110, the all-white Air Force Ones. Those things were like 35 bucks like two years ago.

Who made them popular again? No, I don't know,'ve been they've been classics for years dude you know they crease so easy fucking dude they really do jay-z by jay-z said he when he gets af ones he wears them once and they're gone because if they you'll get a crease right thing so you got to get this protective that is just so fucking disgusting uh you know i i don't know how what the fuck i mean once 19 wears how many hits do you have to have before people aren't going to judge you about the creases in your sneakers and what does he do with them dude let's be honest a grown man with fucked up sneakers though it's a tough it's tough dude kenny i would go the other way a father of two walking around worrying to that level what he

fucking looks like paul you're up on a stage you could have bird shit on the top of your sneakers no one's gonna notice you're worried about a little crease no i know oh no you don't get it man it's the sneaker culture man man. We're sneakerheads, man. It's what we do. They should remake that fucking, what was that Twister movie? Remember how dumb that was? They should remake that movie as sneakerheads.

Bill Paxton, rest his soul. Yeah. You guys standing out in line, shooting each other. They got the new fucking Kellogg's cornflakes Air Force Ones. It's like my favorite sneaker and my favorite cereal. Yeah. I don't take it like that.

I'm not a sneaker head like that. You're like, I like money. You're going to be that guy in slow motion, licking the soul. The show that you've never even worn them. They did a sketch damian lemon damian lemon and uh vladimir camano did a sketch it was called don't crease them and it was these just kids getting their sneakers and they were walking with a walker like an old lady and he was like wanting to look down from the building oh i'll be right up because

i was just walking like this i've seen you walk on your heels with your toes off the ground yeah for blocks yeah no i can't do it anymore it's actually affecting my back well yeah you combine that with not like no stretching it's probably not a good thing to do i was literally walking like I didn't have toes. I was like, it was a ridiculous. It's one of the hardest I ever heard Bartnick laugh when you stepped in that puddle. Oh, with the Jordans? Yeah.

He laughs like, Bartnick laughs like the dude from Revenge of the Nerds. He really does. I've done that so many times I can't do it anymore my voice is too damaged oh yeah oh shit man so i surprised my family i left georg Georgia and instead of coming home, I hopped on a plane and I went to meet them in Sarasota. And dude, I said to Stacy, don't tell the kids. It's a surprise. So she didn't tell the kids. And my mother-in-law picks me up at the airport. She's like, the kids have no idea. They made sure the kids were out by the pool when I got there. Like the kids have no idea. They made sure the kids were out by the pool when I got there. So I go, they don't know. So I get there, I throw a bathing suit on and they go open the sliding door, run out and just dive in the pool. The kids are, the kids are not in the pool.

They're at the, like the table, but they'll, you'll just run past them and dive in. That's awesome. So I put the bathing suit on. I take the shirt off. She goes down now and they just open. And I just run out there. I look, I see Stacy and my just open and i just run out there i look i see stacy and my two kids they just look at me i look at them and i just dive in the pool and they were

just fucking stunned and like my daughter and like lucas didn't even know what to do and my daughter was like daddy and then they came in the pool and like lucas had this like you know smile and i got to hang with them for a little bit and And then I flew back and I'm picking them up tonight from the airport. But it was fucking awesome. My daughter was like beside herself and Lucas was just shocked. That's awesome. It was awesome. Yeah.

I got to spend some time with the kids a little bit before this whole thing. And I got some bullshit coming up. Oh, Paul, it never ends. Never ends. We started editing the movie and all of that and everybody was saying the first time when you just see the big fat assembly of it you're gonna want to kill yourself and I didn't I still thought it looked good it wasn't until uh we dug into it yesterday that I start seeing like how tedious it is and then you start going like oh god i wish i had done this on that take or this thing works it's really a fascinating thing but it's starting to affect

like how i watch tv oh wow i just sit there oh an insert uh they probably did that last and everyone wanted to get the fuck out of there i wonder wonder if they let a double do that if the actor had to hang around and do it. It's all of that shit. Nia just sits there telling me to shut up. She goes, shut up. You directed one movie. Stop sitting here like you're fucking Scorsese. Oh, that's great.

That's fucking great. We had a great morning today. I hung out with her. She had to go to the doctors, right? So we went over there, and then there was this breakfast burrito place that we doctor's, right? So we went over there, and then there was this breakfast burrito place that we'd always heard about, so we went over there. I'm telling you, man, maybe once in a while,

if you hang out with your wife without the kids, you reconnect and you're like, there it is. No, you got it. That's why I said it's like the quarterback taking the offensive line out to eat. You got to do a date night or something, man. Who's the offensive line, Paul? Are you saying I put on weight? Dude, you're one of those guys, Paul.

You're out of the fire, and then you jump right back in it. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I got her today, though. I won today. Good. Because when you told me that shit the other day i remember going like i always have your back but i was like no no i apologize for that i said i went a little hard i i apologize for that you know listen you know what's funny about you paul as much of an

asshole as i am i don't think you've ever said you've always had my back i think that's the sicilian thing because there's no fucking way I've always been right. That's a funny thing, though, when your buddy's telling you a story about him and his wife or his girlfriend, and you listen to it, and you're going like, yeah, she's right. She shouldn't have said that. But this is my best friend. So, all right, I'm going to ride this story out, see if it goes. Yeah.

Dude, I've always had your back. I've never, I don't think one time never i don't think one time i don't think one one time like maybe the most i felt bad but i just kind of i was just all i said was you went a little hard there no i was wrong i was wrong i was i was leading up to some i made it something it wasn't and took it out on her and i fucking acknowledged it and you know but here's the thing man and this is not to be a dick to women thank you listen women women and and i'm not trying to go at women here but women have a hard time but we never do that on the podcast no never not listen how we talked about celebrating the masters i don't think that that was

treating women objectively in any way, shape or form. Women have a harder time apologizing than a man. And I would put that that is just a fuck. I've been married 14 years, dude. And I have friends that have been married double digit years and more. Women have a hard time. There's something about it compared to a man. Now they do it. But compared to a man, a woman has a much more difficult time walking into a room and going hey that was my bad i fucked up i'm really sorry way more of a hard time doing that than a man does i will take that to the fucking i will fight that to the end it's just a fact it's a fact i mean if you're a married guy you actually apologize just to end shit sometimes so we have a lot of practice

all right all right sorry i remember my stepfather said one time he goes sometimes as a married man you got to apologize even when you're right and i remember when he first told me that the sicilian greek mediterranean go no not doing i said i can't do it said i'm not apologizing for something i didn't do i'm just not doing it i just not this I can't do it. I said, I'm not apologizing for something I didn't do. I'm just not doing it. Not this guy. Not this guy, everybody. Put your money down. I always said, dude, if I was in a court,

if I was in the court, they would hold me in contempt every day because I'd be sitting there as a defendant like this and they would be like, and if I didn't do it, like if OJ didn't do it and he's sitting there and I'm just sitting there and my lawyer's next to me and they're like, then Mr. Verzi entered the room with a knife. I'd be like, no, I didn't. I swear to God I didn't. I swear to God I didn't.

I don't get how you don't. And they just sit there and make someone guilty. Can you point that person out? They pointed you. You fucking lying piece of shit. What are they paying you? When was it? You know I didn't do that.

Order! Order! Mr. Verzi is now held in contempt i'll do it every day judge i'll do it every day look at his face you can see it yeah dude like oj sat there listening to that shit and just was like and you're just going like come on man there's got to be just make a facial expression like like something i need something just be like fuck that no no i would look all right what is the proper look when they say and then he slid her throat to the point he almost cut her head off he can't be like how about this yeah bill bill how about this

yeah yeah he's like yeah oh did i did i Bill, how about this? Yeah, yeah. He's like, yeah. Did I? Fuck you. Just look right at the camera. Just be like. Oh, that would be fucking weird. Come on, it's me.

It's the juice. Where's the camera? Never happened. It never happened. No, dude. I mean, it happened. It just it's me. It's the juice. Where's the camera? Never happened. It never happened. No, dude. I mean, it happened. It just wasn't me. Oh, my God, dude.

Why would I need to do that? I'm the juice. I think a woman doesn't do it because if they do it, I think when a woman does apologize, they look at it as a power like like i don't apologizing to me doesn't conceding to defeat to me i look at it as the other way i look at it as if i apologize i'm not conceding defeat what i'm doing is i'm actually kind of taking the higher road kind of being like you know what that's on me i up. I'm sorry. That's a good thing to do. Women don't look at it.

But you know what it is, Paul? You know that women are smarter than we are. So to apologize to them, it doesn't feel weird for them to have to apologize to us dummies and knowing that they're actually wrong and that we know that they're wrong. Even as dumb as we are, it bugs them. I mean, Paul, you know your wife's smarter than you right in certain ways yes yes yes not not at reading things no i'm serious street smart reading things socially like no not that but other ways yes handicapping a fucking football game? I mean, I'd run circles around. I mean, she'll never win a Jimmy the Greek, but no. No, like, I don't think she could read a room like I... I mean, she's very good, so I would say she's up there.

Dude, that is the funniest shit I've ever heard somebody... No, I'm smarter than you. All right, you got more degrees than I do but no one reads a room like this guy I can walk in a room and know what happened 20 minutes before I got there first of all

I was just trying to get you going I was trying to get your machismo going where like I know you don't like when people say shit like that so I was just trying to get you going saying your wife is smarter I know I almost in some instances you know she can't read a room like me read a room she can't fucking see the heat coming around the corner like i can but no um like my my anticipation skills are are just off the chart compared to my wife.

Here's the thing. I've met your lovely wife. You've met my wife. I know my other friend's wives. I married a tiger, dude. I married a fucking strong, smart woman that fucking will tell you to go fuck yourself if you're wrong. you're wrong i married that you know hey if i ever get divorced i'm going the other way okay you know i'm kidding oh i am marrying a fucking bimbo next time uh uh yeah dude we married strong smart i'm gonna marry the dumbest i'm not even into looks at this point i just want the dumbest slack-jawed fucking moron I can find. I don't want the... Hey, you want some French toast? Yeah. Yeah.

And just... I don't want them speaking English. Hey, you want to go to Denny's? Oh, yeah. Like a fucking seal? No, I don't want them... Someone who's never been anywhere. Just never been anywhere.

Everything is exciting and new yeah i'm going young and stupid dude we married surprisingly strong women like i won't even introduce her to my friends that's so funny dude we'll have a walk-in closet hey i'm having people go on get in there dude i remember one time we went to visit my buddy who was at villanova we went to villanova and his girlfriend came down in leather pants and she fucking left and we gave him so much shit dude we were like dude what is she fucking michael jackson dude we gave him so much shit he fucking got in her face not like physically it's just like what the fuck are you the fuck are you wearing this for oh dude it was brutal man oh that's bad dude i don't want to cause a fight between other people

no he was just like we were just busting his chops like yeah dude michael jackson will be down hey how do i know you're kidding yeah yeah but i never dug a fucking hole before and he was a fucking hot-headed italian kid he was what are you wearing this for these fucking guys oh so fucking funny but she was a like a dopey you know i might you know i might go i would go not speak in english i'm gonna go dumb because i already have my kids you can't marry dumb because then you're gonna have dumb kids no yeah that's exactly why your wife kicks you to the curb you gotta go stupid before you get married you're like dude she's smart she's like before you get married right dude my wife is strong she's smart gonna be a great mother and then all of those great attributes come and fucking hit you in the fucking window

oh you got a tiger by the tail uh no i'll i'll tell you this though my wife is cool as shit um you know and she will it takes her three days but she'll apologize after three days yeah and everybody anybody listening to this we love our wives we're fucking joking around fuck them dude i don't need to fucking clarify any of this shit. There's these fucking dummies with their stupid comments. Really? How would your wife feel if she heard you wanted your next wife to not speak English? Fuck you.

Anyways, let's wrap this episode up. We're going to wrap up. On that high note. We're going to wrap up this episode, guys. This has been episode. There's only one way to go with these fucking apologies. Hey, just don't come to my show. Fantastic.

You don't like me. From what I've read from you, I don't like you either. And this is great. And there's plenty of comics out there that think the exact opposite way I do. Go see their shows. Have fun. Exist in a parallel universe. Bye-bye.

Yeah. Don't need it no everybody needs to be saying what i want to hear like i'm really going to go out and marry a dope paul yeah i'm not going to do you know what i'm going to do i'll just be single i'll be that guy paul out in santa mon Monica in a surf bar drinking again, you know, making sure I hit every family event and I'll have a Hawaiian shirt. I was thinking, you know, and all the fucking, you know, younger people will look at me. He's harmless. He's harmless. He just he likes his drink. All right, guys, doing that. All right. Be careful. See you later. And then one day I die and they put a little plaque right where my barstool was. That's how I would go out.

Just like that. There's no fucking way. I'm not getting on the horse again. What would be your drink? If you go back and you only drank one, what would you be drinking? Would you be the regular drinker there? Well, I don't have the anger in me anymore so i don't think i would go with the straight gas anymore i think i try to have a little fun oh you'd be a little final six holes here final six holes yeah i think i would go uh i don't know something a little fruity i just don't want that bad hangover i think i I would. Let me see. There's got to be I got to be honest with you. I don't mind a I don't mind a white Russian. You just can't you can't pound them. Yeah, you can't. White Russians are like Bloody Marys to the dessert. I would just have like a sip of it. Do when you have there's anything worse.

And there's nothing better than the first Bloody Mary and there's nothing worse than the second one. Yeah, the first the first Bloody Mary, if it's strong and spicy and amazing, it's incredible. After the second one, you're just like, ah, but two's the limit. The second I get into the second one, I'm like, why did I do this? Look at all these fucking olives and shit in this thing. I don't want to insult this guy. And then you wait too long, and then the ice makes the tomato juice all watery. It's just you're holding your nose, getting it down. That's an interesting thing. I don't want to insult this guy. And then you wait too long and then the ice makes the tomato juice all watery.

And it's just, you're holding your nose, getting it down. That's an interesting thing. If I went back to drinking, uh, I think I would be a martini guy, extra vermouth. Okay.

I would do that. Like a nice, none of that, none of that fancy martini, just a classic fucking martini. And I would sit there and I wouldn't fucking bother anybody. Or on the weekdays I'd have a beer and a shot.

Nice. That's it. And I would watch baseball and I would smoke Dutch masters, whatever money I had left. All right. We'll, we'll end this episode with this bill Burr. I want people to write in to say, like, people who are veterans,

been in it for a while, how would you go out if you're not getting married again? Oh, dude, I'd have a fucking – I'd live like Jim Rockford right on the goddamn beach in a fucking trailer. When I – I'd have my own fucking pickup truck and that would be it. Here comes old man Billy. Yeah, I say that I'd be single, but I'm like a fucking rescue dog. As soon as somebody rubbed my back and told me they loved me, I'd be like, you know, really?

No, I'd be Bill Bixby in the Hulk. I would just be moving from town to town with a backpack. That's it. Yeah, for two weeks, then you'd be fucking miserable. No, that's it dude yeah yeah for two weeks then you'd be fucking miserable no that's the weird thing you get abused enough as a kid paul you act you can you actually enjoy being by yourself bill what would would will you ever drink again ever will you ever sip alcohol right oh yeah no all right um no i i feel like i just got to do a little more work on myself and just get to like i can really like i can except with cigars cigars are hard for me but i can kind of dip in and dip out like you know like uh i don't know i went like 11 months

i didn't fucking do anything and then i had a little bit of weed and some mushrooms on a three-day vacation with my wife. And then I didn't do shit for three months. Then we wrapped on the movie. I had a little joint. I had too much weed. You know what would be funny? At the Masters. How funny would this be?

I see Bill get hammered. He goes, Paul, I worked on myself. I worked on myself. I'm good. I think I can get hammered. We get hammered. goes paul i worked on myself i worked on myself i'm good i think i can get hammered we get hammered all right bill sit across from me and i just start hitting him with all of his fucking bullet points that he can't handle i'm like so what do you think of deflate gate and he just starts sweating kobe bryant all these fun i just start hitting him with it well then he fucking i'm like there like, there it is. There it is. He's back. Nah, I don't care anymore.

All right, guys. In a good way. I let all of that shit go. I don't. I think when my daughter turns 21, if she says, hey, dad, you want to have a drink? I would do that. All right. All right.

That'll be. I know, Paul. Look at you. You're that kind of friend? You're trying to knock me off the wagon no but you know 21 you really are a rescue dog both in your personal relationships and your drinking i loved drinking by myself paul see that's a little bit i'm not going to say weird but like getting hammered by yourself multiple times why can't it be confident paul nah it's a confident move nah i'm walking in you sit down you have a newspaper the bartender walks up he slides the fucking little little coaster over and you know exactly what the fuck you want and he knows to keep him coming And he knows you're not going to be a problem.

But what are you doing? What are you trying to do? Who are you getting buzzed with? What's the buzz for? What do you mean, what's the buzz for? What am I, a fucking showgirl? No, but are you just going to sit fucking buzzed like a hat and then just alone? It's a social drug.

No, it isn't. It's a drug. And you can use it socially. It's a wh drug. No, it isn't. It's a drug, and you can use it socially. It's a whorey drug. It's a date rapist drug, and it's a sit-by-yourself. It's whatever, however it affects you. I feel like you wouldn't, cocaine too. Cocaine and alcohol, who does that alone? Well, I never fucked with cocaine.

I never was. This is somebody cutting up lines alone. Just fucking flick it. Like, that's a fucking. Fucking in the mirror. You're the fucking shit, man. You know that? Yeah.

Paul, I can't describe to you. I like, you know, I like peace and quiet and when you go out and you drink by yourself you get it and when people see you by yourself they leave you alone and they try to do the little chit chat and you just kind of look at them

you give them a little nod and they get it alright this guy's going through some shit and then you're in the fucking pocket you're in the pocket you got one of those papers that opens up like a book so you know it's not going to be too smart going through some shit and then you're in the fucking pocket. Yeah. You got one of those papers that opens up like a book so you know it's not going to be too smart. Sports are on the back. Whores are on the front.

Politician and whores are on the front, right? And then you get your little fucking drink and you're off to the races. You're off to the races, Paul. And you know what? You'll be sleeping like a baby from 4 p.m. to 10 p.m. And then you can go out and meet up with your friends, have a couple of waters, get back on the horse, a couple of night caps, and then you go to bed. Well, this has been, dude, this was

such a fun one. Hope you guys enjoyed episode 58. We'll be back with another one uh next week and uh check out the versi effect monday morning podcast thank everybody who's subscribed to my youtube channel oh we got uh tampa bay side splitters may cinco de mayo uh may 5th 6th and 7th i'll also be at helium in buffalo may 26th and oh paulie's got a big announcement coming soon. Oh, I got a big announcement. I can't say it yet, but I will be letting you guys know. I can't say it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Elton John, everybody. Yep. But I'll let you guys know as soon as I can. And we'll see you next week.