Anything Better? - Dip It In

Episode Date: December 25, 2021

Is there Anything Better than Bill & Paul talking about middle school basketball and sex droughts. Get an extra $10 off Holiday deals at solostove.com, promo code BETTER. Start taking colder, bigger hits today by going to the freeze pipe dot com and using code BETTER for 10% off your first order.

what's up everybody and welcome back to the anything better podcast with your host paul bursey bill burr producer andrew themless and you guys are listening to episode number 47 it's another weird number we're entering the weird we always enter the weird numbers from 46 on bill what do we got uh number 47 we We got the great Jack Morris for Detroit. And I want to sit, he puts for the blue Jays too. I know he's just a shutdown power pitcher, the Tom Selleck mustache. It was over when he came in, you know, shut down your bullpen and send them all home. Who cares?

I'm pitching the whole game and we're winning. Tom Glavin. Ooh, Tommy Glavin. That's a whole, I mean, that's an animal. I mean, the pitching staff that the Atlanta Braves drafted in the 1990s, if they hadn't run into those fucking Yankees, man, Jesus Christ. I mean, that was right up there with the ones that Baltimore had. Dude, yeah, Maddox Smoltz Maddox, Smoltz, Glavin. That was –

That's three Hall of Famers, right? Three Hall of Famers on the same pitching staff. It's unbelievable. Yeah. And then in football, you got Marv Woodson, running back, cornerback for the Pittsburgh Steelers. Running back, cornerback for the Pittsburgh Steelers. Honorable mention, Ronnie LaPette of the New England Patriots back when they had the white helmet with the white face mask back in the day.

I used to love watching him play corner. You know what's weird about that? Part of the 85 Super Bowl team that got, you know, unfortunately destroyed by the 46 defense. But they went down and they beat the goddamn Dolphins in the Orange Bowl. One of the great Super Bowls rematch, Paul, that never happened. The only team to beat the 85 Bears was the 1985 Miami Dolphins on Monday night, protecting the 17-0, 1972 Dolphins record.

One of the greatest games I ever saw. Dan Marino never fucking played better. The whole team was unbelievable. He just stood there and just beat those guys, right? Slinging it all over the field. They could have avenged their one loss. Dude, I swear to God, man. It was just a weird matchup for them.

If Dan Marino goes in and beats the fucking 80, I didn't know people would even know the 85 Bears were the 85 Bears. If he beat them twice, no one would even remember the 85 Bears. Think about that. How much the Bears maybe dodged a bullet, Paul. Yeah.

I was just thinking about numbers like that. I think like picking a number like that, it's like people that pick ugly sneakers. Like you ever see somebody's sneakers and you're like, what the fuck was that guy thinking? Like, I just, I've sold it. I was in the mall and I just look at sneakers and you're like, at what point did that guy see that sneaker on the wall and go, Oh shit. Dude, I have to be honest with you.

Sneakers are ugly. Some of them are, they are ugly Period, dude, sneakers Since about 1992 Have just been ugly When Shaq came in the league And he had like that fucking Twilight Zone sneaker

After that, dude, I think they just Ran out of ideas It's like Dude, I'd have to What do you think there's more of ugly sneakers or bad tattoos that's a tough one that's a close one that's a good one that's a good because listen sneakers can be bulky and ugly and the reason why old school ones are more expensive is because you're right they're better 90s 80s, the 88s, the 91s, those are better sneakers. Andrew, can you pull up dad, just pull up dad Nikes or dad sneakers?

Dude, some of these guys are walking around a mall and I'm just going, how can you put that on your feet in a pair of jeans and think it's okay? It's just, it's just, I don't know. And then you go into those, those fucking stores where everybody, you know, they're out in the line choking each other to death for the ugliest footwear. I mean,

just, I gotta be honest with you. I think like sneakers sort of like, it's just as far as mainstream sneakers. Cause I'm sure there's some beautiful ones that have come out. I'm just saying in general, dude, the ones, yo, these, The ones on the top left, the far left, I mean, those are.

Why does it have all of that extra stuff? Like he's going to be cutting so far to the side. Yeah, but look at the pants. If you look at the pants he's wearing, it says it all. I got to be honest right pair of shoes those pants are dope yeah those are fucking horrible man let's hey i got one for you look up the top 10 most popular sneakers right now maybe they've gotten better they just got they got way too fucking busy he said five dad sneakers, and that first one came up. Those first ones are pretty nice.

Jordan 1s, dude. Let's be honest. Yeah, but Jordan 1s, dude, from 1986. That's the ugliest sneaker I've ever seen. I'm not joking around. Which one's that? That's not it. Come on, man.

Nobody's wearing that. That's like a Jordan for a fucking abominable snowman like you dude if i made a snowman i would put those sneakers on it those ones aren't bad right there i like those ones those nikes right there i don't mind that uh i don't know what that top of the pop jordan one up there but those pink and gray ones are fucking hideous. Yeah. Like one of those, one of the ones, one of that woman's got on those slip on

fucking things. Yeah. Those are like sketchers type shit. That's like, yeah, those are gross, dude. That blue one, that teal one is gross with the pink. It's gross. I gotta be honest with you. Something about, I was like, I don't know.

I can't tell if that's ugly or not. I kind of like that color. That color in a drum kit, that Yamaha, that seafoam green is the shit. You know what? They're not as bad as I thought. They're not as bad as I take it.

Jesus Christ, what the fuck's going on? Oh, my God. There's a guy whose dreams didn't work out. The black shiny ones this is dreams oh those are the back to the futures right there yeah they don't work out yeah oh my god i got a story i got a story that that i think i got a story for you guys you're gonna love and the listeners are gonna love so night, yesterday, Andrew knew I was nervous.

I talked to Themless. I was nervous. Last night was Lucas's first organized junior high school game against another school. Right. And it's at five o'clock at the high school gym. And because of COVID, only two parents could, only two family members can go. Right. So Stacy and they stream it.

So you could literally watch it. You could stream it. You go like, you guys can watch his next can go. Right. So Stacy and they stream it. So you could literally watch it. You could stream it. You go like you guys can watch his next game streaming. Right. So Stacy stayed home. I went with Sophia. You know, I was going, I was, I was a wreck since two o'clock. I was for two hours, three hours. I was nervous. Right. So Lucas is at school at seven o'clock in the morning. He stays there with the team. They're practicing. I get there. This is the modified seventh and eighth grade boys. So I get there five o'clock me and the other parents are nervous. Lady comes in peak skill, just left on the bus. They're going to be an hour late.

We're waiting in the gym hour and a half later. They come in. Why are they late? They were, the game was at five. They're supposed to leave peak skill at three 30 to be there at four 30. They don't leave peak skill till five. Our game doesn't start till about six 30. People are antsy. Now I, our guys are in the gym by the way, just show up an hour late. Yeah. And I'm going, I said to the lady, I was like, everyone's like dinner plans were fun. And I'm going, what point is it a forfeit or not? Like if, if, if a school leaves that late, like, so they're like, ah, we got to play. It's our first game of the season. Right? So our guys are, I don't want to say the name. I almost said the name of our school,

but our guys are in there to keep warming up. So I'm looking around and I see Lucas and Lucas sees me walk in the gym and he says, coach, coach, give me the ball. So he starts shooting threes. Right. But I'm going, our guys keep practicing for another hour. It can be fucking exhausted. These kids are going to come off the bus and run these fucking kids out of the gym. Now, I'm just

right. So, our school has never beaten, our school has never beaten this school in Modified Ever, they tell us. All right, I'm in. I'm in. Okay? I'm in! Our school has never beaten, our 7th and 8th grade boys have never beaten this team since 7th and 8th grade boys. Gene Hackman walking up and down with a rolled up program so i'm going you guys are going to be the

first you guys are going to be the first so they finally come in and i see one of our guys run up to my son they're here they're here so all of a sudden our school starts like looking at the door waiting for them to come in they come in they come in the school they're definitely bigger and now our guys are at the layup line. They're at the layup line, warming up. The clock says five minutes, the game's going to start six minutes. And me and the other dads start looking at the other school's layup line. And they're just like missing and hitting the side of the backboard and

everything. And I'm going like that. One kid went up with like two hands for a layup, but I don't mean to judge, but I was going. So then I see our guys looking at them and I see, there's like a lot of like, you know, that like kids were sizing each other up, you know? And I looked over to dad. I go, dude, I go, I'm telling you right now, we're going to blow this team out. We're going to blow this team out. This is, it's a wrap. And I, and then I said, I go, no, me and my buddy,

I was talking about, I was talking about Burr, I go, no, me and my buddy, I was talking about, I was talking about Burr. I go, no, you want some action? I go, yeah. So that's what, that's what the guy said. He goes, listen, I'm calling for the eighth grade modified. Listen, take them there. I go, no, I go me and my buddy Burr. I go me and my buddy bill. We go to NFL games now and we wait for the teams to come and warm up. That's how you bet. That's how you fucking bet. You get there early, you watch them warm up, and then you call the book, right? So, dude, we go.

We don't do that. We did that against the Tech. Remember, we did that against the Bengals and Jaguars in Jacksonville. The Bengals looked better in warm-ups, and we put a bet in. Remember, because after Oklahoma and Texas. All right, but it sounds like we did it on a consistent basis. You know, you could also look to see who's playing, who's not out with COVID and shit like that.

Yeah, yeah, but we did that after. Stats. Look at him running around. Yeah, I know. He's fucking out with the measles. No, so Lucas gets in. So there's 15 kids on the team. So what the coach does is and modified, modified basketball is five quarters at seven minutes. So that's seven minute quarters, five of them. Right.

So what the coach does is he puts unit one, unit two, he does it like that. And then in the fifth quarter, if it's close, he puts the best of all of them in the game right so lucas comes out and he's i could tell he's nervous and he always gets a little nervous when i'm there and uh his first shot goes up and he gets fouled and they don't call foul and he's like look and i go hey don't don't you know get back long story long story story short uh we fucking beat him by 30 we beat him by 30 oh my god we beat him 57 27 but in the in the last quarter lucas is coming up you know lucas is coming up stacy's watching it at home and he just fucking pulls up a three from like five feet behind the three-point line it was like in between half court and this, and it just swishes.

And the place is going, it swishes. And I'm going, and I'm like, I'm going to tell him like, no, I'll do it a little closer. So he ended up, he ended up scoring. He ended up hitting a three. It was real good. They won their first game. And I, he came home and he's like, man, we, he's like, man, I'm telling you, man, we, we, he said something. And I go, buddy, buddy, you're going to play a team that's going to be like that against you guys. So you better the walking around, you know, he had his hood up. He's walking around. We beat him. I'm like, Paul, I'm going to listen. You were up two games in October. He's got that versi blood in him. You guys, you guys like to

strut a little bit. There's nothing wrong with that. Well, he pulled a fucking deep three and I go, oh, but then I went a little, went a little too hard. What are the rules? Like as a coach, how much can you cheer for your kid? I need to know this because there's no way I'm not going to be involved in coaching as my kids start playing sports. Yeah, no, it was, it was, you gotta be, I'm telling you, dude, other parents are like, cause you have two different types of parents. You have the parents that's judging their kid

like this in a good way. And then when the kid does something, they stay quiet or they do this. And then you have me who I don't go to actually there's three. Then you have me. I'm the next guy who's just like, yeah, but get, you know, get back on defense. Good job, buddy. Get back on defense. You have that normal shit. And then you have, then you have the people that have to be talked to, you know, then, then you have like, you gotta, you know, you gotta calm down. You're scaring people or like, you know, like, let me ask you this as someone who has a temper. Yeah.

yeah um do you think do you think that the parent that they need to talk to like hey man you got to tone it down you're scaring people you can't use that language in the moment i know that guy's probably a jerk do you think what percentage of them do you think by the end of the game are driving home going oh god what's wrong with me i'm embarrassed like well i gotta stop going to the game do you think by the end of the game or driving home going, Oh God, what's wrong with me? I'm embarrassed. I, well, I got to stop going to the game. Do you think that there's a, I think 80% of them go, I'm sorry. I just see my kid. I get carried away. And then you have a 20% lunatics who are like, no, no, they should have called it. They should, he can't be doing it.

Do you have that too? I Bartnick, our buddy, Joe Bartnick, he got kicked out of a gym. He got kicked out of a gym. His daughter was playing. And I think after a certain amount of fouls, I think he, and his voice, he's got that voice. And I think he straight up screamed at an official. And I could be, but I think he just stood up and was like, said something. And then, and his either wife or somebody just made him excuse himself. Well, I just know like like like people don't watch

sports i they don't understand how much you can get caught up in the drama of what you're watching and how things in the room like you see these things people break their fucking tvs it's like you start thinking the way you're sitting is affecting what's going on i've let go of like all of that stuff my whole thing is i think when i watch my kids is effort that's my only thing it's not going to be results whatever you know you're gonna have good games bad games and everything i just don't want to see you quit that that's exactly this don't be a douche when you win and don't be a baby when you lose yeah sportsmanship being coachable those are the guys that make the team but

you stick your dick in a vagina a person that looks like you comes out that person grows learns to walk run be athletic and then you're watching that person that resembles you and your wife play basketball or football. And it's fucking incredible. And I know that's a weird way to look at it, but that's what happens. It was a weird, it was a weird way to, to, to dip in. No pun intended. You could have been like, you find love and you meet a woman and you have a baby. It's like, we were talking about coaching kids. and all of a sudden you go

hey you stick your dick in a vagina i'm like whoa hey where's he going with this all right yeah i'm like oh okay he rewound the whole movie you rewound to the white part where there's no tape you can see. Oh, that's great. I did. I did. I went too far, but, like, you'll see. Like, it is. Yeah, I could have said you made me. Did you first realize you weren't a piece of pussy when you're about seven years old? You start jerking off to your teachers.

Where's it going with this? 20 years later, you're hammered in an Applebee's and see a woman with a little bit too much Makeup on and hair teased up You got a bar and mat class And your kid's shooting a plate Oh Wally fucking played A full court deal on that one

You know it was something else No I could see you knowing you the way I know You as well as I know you You're gonna be I think it'll be similar you the way I know you as well as I know you, you're going to be, I think it'll be similar to me where, like, if you see your kid with their head down or doing something, you're going to go, like, same thing. Effort, keep your head up.

Like, dude, there are some really good kids that when they do something wrong, they just, it's just, they get very, and then their parents are like. It's their whole world, dude. Their whole world. It's their house, going to school and playing the game. I mean, that's, that's fucking it. Lucas has this hilarious kid on his team that just goes to the rack hard.

Every time the kid could miss, he could make, he just gets the ball and he's good. But he just, Bill, he goes so hard. And, and Lucas cries.

He, Lucas says he's the funniest kid on the team. He just gets the ball and just goes to the rack. He doesn't care. He's hilarious. But he's one of those kids he could miss four times in a row. He's coming back, drops it, gets fouled, goes to the line. I love it.

The kid has zero give a fuck. It's incredible, dude. He's like an 8-3. You know what that reminds me of? Rich Voss. Rich Voss, back in the day when we would sit at the table, he would fucking do three jokes in a row that bombed. He didn't care. He didn't care. And then he'd catch you with that last one.

Yeah. Taking a bombing and not caring took me to take eating a dick, eating a fucking big dick sandwich. It took me over 10 years to be able to like on the ride home that night not give a fuck now i don't care two hours later i don't care an hour later i don't care but dude i would take it i would take a bad set with me two three days i would i would there's two types of ways of bombing there's bombing and you just don't have control and you just it's you're just eating it and you just that that's the one that makes you hate yourself, want to kill somebody in the crowd. Those are the ones that hurt. But once you're just like, you know, I think once you're established in a club, you've

done enough good sets and stuff, they know. Then you can kind of make fun of yourself. And then the waitstaff will laugh along with you as you're bombing. It's, it's just not the same isolated thing with like, there's so much like, you know, whenever I see a younger comic bombing, like,

I mean, I always go, Oh God, I know how that feels. Cause that's just like, you think everybody's watching. Everybody gives a fuck. I'm never going to work this club again.

I'm going to have to move home with my parents. I mean, depending on how bad the set's going. That's a fucking deep way to go. To go all the way back to moving out. Oh, dude, the amount of times that I rewound all the way back

to fucking just going back to Massachusetts and you know, I don't know. I always have these thoughts of just being alone. Bill, wanting to be alone sitting on a porch. You always have these thoughts of just being alone. Bill, you stick your dick in a vagina. Yeah. Hey, you move back home with your parents.

No, I fucking, I think about that shit a lot. Yeah. Just in general. Whenever I get overwhelmed, I know I'm starting to learn that I know that I'm working too much and I need a break. When I started having those thoughts of me just sitting on my back porch

by myself, like during the middle of the day, my phone isn't ringing. There's no texts. Nobody gives a shit about me. I don't give a fuck about them. Nobody's bugging me. Although I have a theory with text messaging. I don't know if I've ever said this on this podcast is you. So you create it.

You know what I mean? Like if you don't fucking respond to anybody's text in three days, if you don't respond to any texts, you won't get texts. You just not getting texts that's it but if you're if you're actively responding to them because the amount of times i've gone to europe shut my phone off and come back 10 days going oh dude i'm gonna like 400 fucking text messages i have like eight or nine the first day for the next day and then just nothing

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i got lost in the flames they were so they were so mesmerizing i i actually do just love staring at the flames uh let the gift uh let the gifting begin shop solo stoves holiday sale for huge uh what is this a site wide it always works always funny uh site wide savings now through the end of the year and get ten dollars off with promo code better that's a b-e-t-t-E-R plus a lifetime warranty and free 30-day returns. Get an extra $10 off holiday deals at SoloStove.com. Promo code BETTER. All right, it's FreezePipe. You know, you guys aren't ready for this.

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a refreshing bong hit, Paul. You ever think that was going to be possible? It's like putting ice in your bong. That ice was on steroid and played baseball in the 90s. That's a terrible read of that line. It's like putting ice in your bong if that ice was on steroids and playing baseball in the 90s. Oh, there you go. Freeze pipe founders remember pulling their money together as roommates to buy a nice house bong, only to have this new expensive bong still leave their throat on fire,

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And if I ever get Chaz Pomentieri on the Verzi effect, which he might do, I'm just going to say one of the most brilliant things about that movie was when his whole movie, throughout the whole movie, said nobody cares. Nobody fucking cares, dude. Nobody cares about you except the people that love you. And that's why family is first. And that's why family is the most important, because everything else is a fucking facade. It's all fake bullshit.

Everybody loves you when something's good. But your fucking kids want you to fucking play with toys. They don't give a fuck if you went outside and mugged somebody. They don't give a fuck. And that's what matters. I'm just talking, texting, Paul. I'm going

back, Paul. You're really just fucking... I like this, this is deep Paul Verzi this week nobody can you know what made me really realize dude david letterman 30 something years and the guy i see the guy jogging the guy people remember that it was great but when that show went away there was just a handful of new talk show hosts and it was just like almost became this ancient thing and it just let you realize nothing matters nothing fucking matters drink a bourbon stare at a fire watch a game smoke

a stick be with your family it's over we're all fucking gonna die so that's what matters jesus paul trying to keep it light here for the holidays nothing matters nobody cares i just said get a bourbon and stare at a fire. Stare at a fire. It made me seem like you're just fucking like. Stare at a fire. You know, get a bourbon, sit next to a fire. Get a bourbon, stare at a fire. It's sitting there drinking alone.

I'll give you an example. Me and Bill had a crazy. I'm not going to talk about it, but me and Bill had a crazy day the other day. And it was supposed to be this amazing day and everything that could go wrong went wrong. And when I tell you went wrong to the point where middle of the day, I had my hand over my face, crying, laughing, Bill's pacing around. It was a, it was, you know, the definition of a clusterfuck. I never fully knew what a full clusterfuck was until this day. And you know how it ended? Friends at an Italian restaurant eating and laughing and laughing about the day that my friend is life in a nutshell.

That is life. That was that was it. Someday, someday I'll tell that story. Yeah, I've. And I remember going out there going, I'm nervous. You're like, what is there to be nervous about? I just, I'm telling you, I just knew it. Yeah. I fucking, I was like, what can go wrong is gonna go wrong today i could i could feel it when

i three days before i was just like fuck i've never seen a day where running errands and doing things that should have been turned out like that that's like a movie script dude i've never oh my god everything everything went wrong, dude. It was, I got to tell you, I will tell the story at some pool. We'll have, uh, you handled it. Great. I'm going to tell you something. At one point I go, this might get ugly. At one point I was like, Bill is a patient man, but Bill, no, I am not. No, but with big shit, you're good. With big shit, you're good. And I go, dude, he may blow a gasket.

And you did it. You kept it together. Even you even laughed at some points, which made me happy. And then we had a great time. But that was a wild one. That was a wild one. Oh, my God. Dude, it was such a fucking exhausting day.

I've never told anybody the whole story. I can't even get through it because you don't even believe how many fucking times it was just, it was a, it was a clusterfuck. I was, I was, you know, giving somebody a gift and everything that could have gone wrong, went wrong. All right, let's plow ahead here. Paul, you stick your dick in a vagina. And a person comes out that afflux. He was just like, whoa.

Sir, were you at that bank robbery? Listen, officer, you stick your dick. I was like, whoa. Something comes out. It tries. It's just not good at math. It gets a couple of jobs. It's not fulfilling.

He watches the town. Andrew Themlis looks like he's about to do a seance. Would the power go out? No, it's just I didn't turn any lights on, you know. Oh, it's all right. It's a little lighter here than it looks on the screen. Hey, it's a I didn't turn any lights on, you know. Oh, it's all right. It's a little lighter here than it looks on the screen. Hey, it's a little lighter, okay? Everybody relax, okay?

You put your dick in a vagina. I can't wait to see the title of this one. I know. That's like your chicken soup for the fucking whatever soul. Paul, you have this way of just making life simple i do we always like that i do um did you you know what i was thinking of you today and it annoyed me because you go i'm done my christmas shopping but i gotta be honest with you man i'm not i'm not because i gotta go fucking pick up a gift that somebody else said that they were handling.

So the second I get off this, I got to go get that fucking thing. And the guy just called me and said, I'm in a fucking place where I'm supposed to pick it up. But there's something psycho about that. There's something psycho about shopping that early and getting things done weeks early. No, it isn't, Paul. It's not psycho. What it is is you're living your hell of waiting, dude. You came on this podcast today and you sounded like me.

Your video didn't work. No big deal. You're like, can anything fucking work? Yeah. Just once my whole fucking weekend. That is what I'm trying to avoid because Because, Paul, you're never like that. I'm like that all the time. So the last thing I need to do is wait. The only thing I would change from what I did with Christmas this year is I got my fucking Christmas tree the day after Christmas. And, you know, those fucking things, they go, oh, you know, cut it and then fucking pour some water. It's not drinking the water.

It's just sitting there. It's like it's fucking it's almost dead. It's almost dead it's almost dead the thing is still green but it's definitely it's looking like a charlie brown christmas in there bill burr is like paul verzi five days a year and i'm like bill burr five days a year if you if you took the you know sometimes we you know it happens it fucking happens but uh you know i i i'll tell you, I haven't had a cigar in eight weeks. And my drinking is kind of going down. I'm doing a ton of push-ups every day. I want to get.

You had all this time to shop then. What? What's eating up your time? And I'm fighting with her while i'm shopping i did a tweet that went crazy it went i said i said fighting with the person while you're shopping for them is life in a nutshell nobody gets out alive and it's the truth i'm fighting with i got one for you i got one for you yeah oh i love i i love how he went low andrew did you hear that i got one for you i'm gonna tell you something.

Yeah, me and my wife, we love each other. I'll fucking, nobody fucking talks to me. Nobody fucking talks to me like that. That's that Key and Peele bit. Nobody fucking talks to me. I looked this woman dead. He goes, I looked this woman dead in her eyes. And I said, I said, I said, bitch. And he goes, but you said bitch though.

Yeah. No, go ahead. All right. So we got two kids, right? They're always knocking on the door or whatever. We don't have a lot of alone time, if you know what I mean. Right. So whatever, you know, all of a sudden an opportunity, right?

She goes, Hey, you want to get in the shower with me? I say, yeah, dude, we get in the shower with me I say yeah dude we get in the shower she starts fucking talking about our schedule I'm just like dude I hear you I might as well have been at the Y

you know what I mean just some other stranger watching the game what do you got going on this afternoon? Oh, dude. Wait till they get older. It's worse. I do a bit in my new special about it. You turn into a creep when they're 12 and nine and you want to have sex. You start saying shit. You're like, what am I? But I hear you. I hear you. I was at the mall today and I'm fucking shopping for her. I'm spending fucking money on her. and she's do you think you could well listen i i was late with the grocery pickup can you go get the and i'm going just before the podcast put

the ice cream in the freezer so it doesn't melt and i just wanted to go can i fuck i'm buying you something i'm buying you i'm cooking i'm doing this for you you know what i say when my wife says sit like they go why can't you put the ice cream in the freezer? I mean, how heavy is it? No, no, she wasn't home. In her defense, she wasn't home. She wasn't going to be home with the ice cream in my... But it's just still like...

That's convenience. That's no excuse. Talking geography now, why don't you fucking grab some ice cream on the way home? Why don't you pick something up? Why don't you swing by? Does your wife do this one? Does your wife wait for you to get up and ask when you get up to do something? My wife is like,

my wife is a scheduler. Oh, I tell you this. I actually asked my wife to do something today. She fucking looked at me like she didn't understand. I go, can you just do it because you love me? I went to the gym. I'm putting putting together this fucking movie so i had to do a bunch of zoom calls i didn't have time to eat i go can you go downstairs and just make me some oatmeal she's like you want me to make some oatmeal i go yeah i didn't ask you to fucking redo the roof. It's fucking oatmeal.

Cup of water, half a couple of fucking oats. Throw some water on it and some nuts. Jesus Christ. How funny is repeating what the person asked? Yeah, you think you could make me a quick turkey sandwich? You want me to make you a turkey sandwich? Yeah, that's their thing. You ask them the question and then they repeat the question to make you kind of question what you just said. Can you do me a favor and get me a glass of water you want me to get you a

glass of water yes like i do for you all the time yeah all right you don't have to argue i'm not arguing you're getting mad yeah because it should have just been yes yeah yeah but why would i get an eye water for you if you're gonna act like that just gaslighting you you want to laugh stacy circled the comment of our podcast because one guy wrote one guy wrote man you guys are making me question if i want to get married so stacy took a free shot of it, circled it and texted me. And she goes, what do you guys talk about? And I go, nothing. Nothing. We just, you know.

What do we talk about? What happens? I'm actually, I'm getting along, I'm getting along great with my wife because, you know, things actually did. Oh my God.

Things actually ended up working out. And, you know, because I gave her shit for fucking talking about the schedule, you know, and anyway, so things worked out right. We have a little fucking nice at time in the afternoon. So then that night it was my mother-in-law's birthday. birthday so we went out to this uh this fucking jazz club right it's like an adult thing so this guy goes up all right we're picking the podcast back up i told the story i can't i can't do on the fucking oh bill told a story that had yeah it was you know oh is it a funny one that you guys aren't gonna see anyway um um somebody went back to me and my wife had been getting along, uh, right. Yes. Fucking great. So then we ended up, you know, we ended up fucking hooking up, right. I pitched a complete game there. If you know what I mean. All right.

I put it on her and then the rest of the night, she's being all fucking affectionate to me. It was great. It was fucking fantastic. It all goes back with what i said about the basketball game what's that a penis goes in and a person you know it's just full it's full circle that's life it is uh it's full circle man um no we we mentioned something before i i i was talking to somebody we were talking about uh poets and i'll never forget i'll never forget i did a room bill knows the room too um you know when you're coming up in

new york city and you want to get stage time a lot of times you do the black circuit the urban rooms and there's a group of guys they were called the new york kings of comedy and they were absolutely i mean absolutely so shout out to talent i want to get it right i believe it was there's other guys now but it was stapleton gerald kelly bruce fraser yeah these guys capone these guys oh there you go the five the five new york kings those are the original five new york kings and these guys would have venues the boston comedy club at the time mentioned the fob yeah yes yep i remember and uh they also had a room now their place nelly's and merchants and all these different rooms but there was a brooklyn room called pork knockers and talent said to me

bill i know you did a talent said to me and i was young at the time talent said to me come down to brooklyn do this thing porkknockers so i go up there and people are just eating and if you're not funny they're just going to eat look past you but for some reason talent put up a poet and poet goes up i think the poet was either before me or whatever and and the poet was just doing that shit where they were just like, and you ask him, but he doesn't. And he's doing so talent just went up and did an impression of it, but like kind of mocking it. And it was perfect and hilarious and talents like this big guy. And he's just, he's just going, no, because he said, and everybody brought me up and it was those guys were so funny that their in between

their in between comics was headline killing and the first five minutes I remember Talent got up one time he goes sorry I wasn't here last week guys I had a stomach bug did 15 minutes of every single thing that happens when you have a stomach bug and when

i tell you tore the place down to the point where they didn't need to do a show anymore that's how fucking great these guys were yeah that's how great i think it was it was poke knockers not pork poke poke knockers oh okay i don't i just remember it was a fucking nightclub right after that most people went there to dance, so they were just sitting there waiting for you to be done because everybody's there trying to get laid, right, or hook up or whatever. Yeah, by the time I did that room, Don L had that room.

Oh, okay. Drew Frazier had Manhattan proper. Capone had that room Nels. Talon had the Sunday Boston and LeBar bat. Gerald Kelly had this fucking room out in Jersey that I saw. What did I see out there?

NBA player. One of the Fab Five. Jalen Rose? Chris Webber. Chris Webber, okay. Chris Webber was there one week i remember that thinking that was cool as hell i remember he's going hey man you're funny and he just was just like guy could have just engulfed me just the biggest yeah person i had ever seen in my like how fucking big that guy is and then the next night you watch him you know him trying not to get

boxed out and locking arms with somebody it's just like two skyscrapers fighting with each other oh my god dude i saw that rooms rob stapleton murder white ag white had the fucking the movie theaters before covid oh wait now we have everybody driving he used to do the movie theaters out in queens and you go out there it was fucking hilarious because on either side there'd be kids going to disney movies and then in the middle he just had an empty one and people there you haven't been fucking your bitch you'll be opening the doors the kids are walking by um smoky smoky. Smokey had that room up in East Harlem. Uh, there was another J.B. Smooth.

And he used to book, uh, that, what's that soul food restaurant up there? I did all of those gigs. There was that one up on St. Nick, that jazz bar. I told that story, dude, where that fucking, that waiter from fucking Caroline's, oh my God. Oh my God, I thought I was gonna get killed in there. Idiot. Wow.

Yeah, white guy using the N-word. Oh boy. Thinking he was like that or whatever. Oh my God, dude. And then everybody starts looking at me like I'm with him and i'm literally fucking 30 chairs away from him had a fucking kenny g haircut this kid the brown curly hair you just said carolines who's the who's the british actor the the african-american british

actor who was gonna they're thinking about idris elba he was the fucking doorman he was the doorman at caroline's and he just told a story on fallon where he was actually outside the door at caroline's opening the door in the winter and shit and he got the phone call or the text or whatever it was at the time saying that he was going to be in the wire. Wow. So he was, he was, so he saw, he said like he loves standup and he actually was telling Fallon, he remembers all the standups because he was just the guy. And what years was he there? Oh dude, you, the years you were there, 100%.

I wasn't in it Caroline's, uh, that was early two thousands. It took a while for me to get in there. I just never worked there. I think he was there probably late 90s into early 2000s. That's when I never worked over there. Andrew, when did The Wire come out? What was the first year? If you don't...

What would you say? 2002, 2003? 2004? Okay. 2007. Yeah, dude. What? 2002, 2003? Okay. So yeah, dude. What? 2002.

Yeah, so Idris Elba was the freaking doorman at Caroline's in 2002, which is pretty cool, man. One of the Sopranos guys was a door guy over there. Oh, really? I want to say the guy who his character had the train set, he wore the conductor hat. Oh, Steve Schirrippa. his character had the train set he wore the conductor hat oh uh Steve Schirrippa

Bobby Bacalava which is a great character name Bobby Bacalava Bacala yeah Bacala Bacalava is what my mom's making downstairs right now so check this out my Christmas is finito my older brother Christian

and his lovely girlfriend Erin Erin, have COVID. They got the new joint. They got the Omicron. They got the new one. So they're done. I heard- COVID-13, right? With the three cameras.

They got the 4K COVID. Yeah, I said in my special, I had the og i got the original i got i got the jordan one one you're the jordan one covid um my brother-in-law is had a fever so my mother was just my mother's high risk because of everything with her so i feel like i'm gonna get it so i have yet to get it dude christmas eve means everything to me. You know that, Bill. Christmas Eve is everything. Hey, Paul, Christmas Eve, you stick your dick in a vagina, Santa Claus comes down the chimney, and then there's Christmas cookies.

I mean... I don't know why I started it like that. Paul, what are you thinking? Does Santa get shot at in the South? Kind of looks like a redneck coming down that dirty red suit with his long hair and the beard. Uncle Jesse, you think he's coming in to knock over you still? How great was Dan Aykroyd playing that gross Santa in, in, uh, dude, that was when he had the salmon,

when he had the salmon in the Santa suit and the hair was on the salmon. It's one of the greatest degenerate Santas ever, ever fucking. It was so good. Beard out of his mouth. He had fish on the thing and he was dirty. That was, that was epic. So yeah, we're just staying home. It's going to be a Verzi family Christmas, man.

We're going to throw a fire on and maybe have like, you know, one or two relatives come over have a bourbon stare at the flames have a bourbon stare at the flames watch some movies that's it so well if you have a relative coming over you don't like him is it is it in bad taste to roofie them if you don't hurt him and nobody knows if you ever here's a good thing i learned if you ever ever have a relative come over that you don't like the best way to do it is to drink just just even if you didn't want to it's like because once you get to a certain place i'm a happy drunk so i find the positive so what i do is i'll just get hammered and be like ah it's not so bad they had a hard time i don't know how they grew up.

See, I'm not the, cause then a real drunk, an alcoholic gets angry, right? I don't, I'm like a very happy. Cause I was a pretty good alcoholic. I was a happy drunk. Uh, yeah, but certain topics would turn you. Sports. That was it. Here's a, here's a, here's a Bill impression.

He's drinking. We're at a bar. And you say something that's like his sports. That's why he's an idiot. He's a fucking idiot. He would just be like, what? I thought we were having a good time here. We're eating wings.

I don't know, Paul. I've seen you a couple of times. Yeah, I definitely have had. With sports. It's always with sports. But no, dude but we always had a good time out there. The only times I ever had a problem was when other fucking people would come over to the table when it started to get to that thing where these, Oh, you're the comms.

And they would fucking come on. That was the only time. And then I got good at asking people to leave the best. Nobody can wrap up a conversation. Do you taught me the thing where you just go with the handshake? I mean, this is obviously, I'm glad you enjoyed the show, but Bob, Bob is wrapping up. And when they don't, then you go, Jesus Christ, how many hints I got to give this guy. And then that's funny.

And then they leave. What did you say? Club soda, Kenny, didn't he have a good one? The guy was like oh this he goes yeah well i'll just keep it moving didn't he say something didn't he have a great one yeah we were it was the it was the i gotta tell it was the auto bill was signing his vinyl at amoeba records and and because the emails the money money podcast i read the emails and i actually remember and the kid comes up and he goes he goes hey bill goes, I just want to let you know. He said, uh, I had wrote into the podcast about a year ago. I asked about, you know,

my pursuing my dream. Um, should I pursue my dream of becoming a magician? He said, and I just want to let you know, I took your advice. I followed it. Um, I'm working at the magic castle and it's great. And without blinking, blinking, Kenny goes, why don't you make yourself disappear? Yeah, he goes, great. Now make yourself disappear. And I'm being all supportive.

Oh, man, that's great. I'm so happy for you. That's great, sir. Now why don't you make yourself disappear? You know how fucking brilliant you got to be, like, on the spot like that? Like, dude, club soda Kenny is no slouch with the joke. Here's what he had this weekend. I was working with Todd Rex and I was saying how Kenny hates the first 48

because it teaches scumbags how to beat the system. Because you quickly learn all you have to say when you're in there is, am I being charged with anything? If no, I want to leave. If yes, I want a lawyer. And he was sitting there going, those guys, they interrogate him behind the table. They should never have a barrier to feel safe. You want to be right in there. And then he just read all the body language, your hands like, you know, I got to like, if you're sitting like this, he goes, you're a little guarded or whatever. You know, he like he would sometimes when he was

getting close to a confession, he would lean forward and have his hands clasped together because people tend to mimic you, get them into a confessional pose or whatever. So I was telling Todd Rexis, I'm going to do the guy reads body language. It's amazing. And Todd was sitting there, you know, on the couch like this. And I go like, like Kenny, I go to tell him what, what read Todd right now. What is his body language saying? Kenny goes that he's bored with your story he is underrated fast dude he came out to my

special just to fuck he acted like he was coming as a friend and he's so great he was doing it to fucking run shit right because he knows he's great and this guy comes up to me and Kenny's hanging with me keeping me loose because they got me there way too early and Kenny goes you don't like being here early like this i go no he goes yeah you shouldn't be you know he was just great and some guy comes up he just goes uh

paul we're gonna need this this and that and he leaves and kenny just you never ask for their opinion because he, you run. He is the fucking best dude. He told the photographer, he goes, yeah, take a break. And the kid just, and kid got confused. I just walked. We walked into a restaurant in London when Bill was filming his Royal Albert Hall special. And I'd heard stories like this this Norton telling about being on the road. We walk in, it's like a steakhouse in the middle of the day. And they're like, you know, two young women, you know,

behind the thing greeting how many two. And he goes, yeah. He's like, if I could have a nice table for my husband and I, and you just don't know what to say. He does that all the time. He's he, he jokes all the time and he, you don't see say. He does that all the time. He jokes all the time, and you don't see him. He's so unassuming. That guy is the fucking best. But I know we have Christmas stuff to do, so we will wrap this puppy up.

And we want to wish everybody, first of all, get the merchandise. People are sending pictures of the new sweatshirts and shirts saying that they love it. Check that out. Please continue to rate and review the Anything Better podcast. We really appreciate our listeners. We hope you guys all have a happy, healthy, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year. We will not be doing, we will be doing an NFL preview next week. So you're going to get the week 17.

Yeah, watch Fergie slowly running me down. I'm like Leon Lett with the ball sticking out. Don't jinx anything, man. We got three weeks left, but we will not be doing- How is there three weeks left? I know. I know, dude. I know. It's like we just started this thing. We're having some fucking fun. Wait, this is week 16, so there'll be two weeks after this, right? yeah, they added another week this year. Jesus. So 18 weeks. I'm not going to be able to hold you off, Paul, with this fucking COVID, man.

And the way you're coming, you're making great picks. Paul Verzi is 6-2 against the book, betting against the fucking spread in the last two weeks. And you were doing all right up until then. You're ahead of the book.'re you're ahead of the book you've been ahead of the dude we are kicking the shit out of the fucking book well let's not let's not be crazy yeah but we're winning we're winning that came down you we do we are kicking the shit paula secura well we'll win it uh look if i bet even this whole year i'd be up like 150 bucks no ties would lose i think i would be even but just to be even against the fucking spread yeah well after all of these games man we're giving people hope out there when you're not losing when you're betting on nfl football and not losing it's a good thing uh and you not losing. You're winning, Paul. And I hope we could keep

making people money. You're not first, you're last. You stick your dick in a vagina. You get yourself a bourbon. You stare at the fire. He goes, you said when you ain't first, you're last. And he goes, I was drunk. He goes, what does that even mean? He goes, he could be second, third for hell. He could even be fifth.

Reese Bobby, Ricky Bobby's dad. He goes, I lived my whole life by that. He goes, don't even make any sense. Dude, the actor that played that, the actor that played that guy, that guy's a fucking animal.

That guy is awesome. He was the guy in Office Space. He was the guy in everything. He played Mr. Don Barton in F is for family. I'm going to need you to come in on Saturday. Yeah. I'm going to need you to come.

Yeah. There will be no AB next week. There will not be the whole anything better, but we'll give you an NFL and you can catch up on old episodes while you enjoy the family, enjoy the holidays. Guys, you too. Enjoy your holidays. I'm going to miss you. It's been great. And all right, guys. Happy 2000. Oh, see in 2022, everybody. Get out of here. All right. We'll see you guys.

If you're in the greater Atlantic, late Atlantic, Atlanta, Georgia, punchline, I will be there January 7th through the ninth. So check that out. I got more dates coming. I'm going to, I'm going to comedy connection in Rhode Island. I'm going to Tampa. I'm going to Austin. I'm going to Connecticut. I got a bunch of dates. It'll all be on paulversley.com. Thank you.