Anything Better? - Grand Central Park

Episode Date: September 11, 2021

Is there Anything Better than Bill and Paul fantasizing about being a milk man?

What's up everybody and welcome back to the anything better podcast with your host Paul Verzi, Bill Burr, producer extraordinaire, the Greek freak Andrew Themlis and you guys are listening to episode 32 now i have to say this bill i don't know if you felt it on your end but i felt it i got a ton of shit andrew's laughing they crucified me for forgetting 31 reggie miller they crucified me for forgetting 31 mike piazza they like, they were just going. And then they were going, oh, Paul. Yeah.

No wonder why you forgot Reggie. Cause he did. They were sending me the choke shit. I was like, look, man, I'm not pulling up these lists, but yes, I apologize to Reggie Miller, Mike Piazza, all the great. I got one too. Somebody said, he said, Billy Smith. What's the matter? Four Stanleys. I got one, too. Somebody said, he said, Billy Smith, what's the matter?

Four Stanley Cups isn't enough for you? He's a goaltender for the Islanders back in the day. We fucked up 31, Bill. No, we didn't. I read the fucking list, and I read 20 of them. All right, but we got to know. We got to be better. What are we going to forget?

Magic Johnson on today's episode. You know what we know. We got to be better. What are we going to forget? Magic Johnson on today's episode. You know what we feel? We got to get better. We sound like a losing team right now, you know? You know what, Bill? Can't look at the coaches anymore. Can't blame the fans. They're not showing up.

We just got to get better. We got to get better. All right, well, this is number 32, Paul. This is number 32. We can't screw this up because, like I said, I mean, you know the big two in this one. There's two big ones in this one. I got to tell you, this was the greatest list that I've seen.

This list is nuts. Like, these are like the top 11 32s are all all-timers. Number 11, Franco Harris from Penn State. Four Super Bowls. When he retired here, he was only second to Jim Brown in all-time rushing yards. And an incredible person. Number 10, O.J. Simpson. 2,000 yards in a 14-game season.

And some other stuff that he did. But, you know, he never got convicted. So, you know, except for, you know, buying back his – what, did he steal his Heisman Trophy back? Number nine. Oh, the Boston Celtics. Kevin McHale. Kevin McHale.

I can't believe I didn't do all the other Celtics along the way. I'm an idiot. I should have been doing all of those. Number eight. Steve Carlton for the Philadelphia Phillies. What do you have? Like 329 wins, 4,136 strikeouts. The lefty. Number seven, Marcus Allen.

Heisman Trophy winner, Super Bowl winner with the Raiders. Number six, Paul, Carl Malone, the mailman. Huge. These are all amazing. Number five, Sandy Koufax. The list keeps getting better. Dude, I told you one time Sandy Koufax, Pete Rose was signing at Caesars. Me and Lawhead were there. When we asked him who's the toughest pitcher he ever faced, he said Sandy Koufax, Pete Rose was signing at Caesars. Me and Lawhead were there. When we

asked him who's the toughest pitcher he ever faced, he said Sandy Koufax. That's the all-time hits leader. Number four, Julius Irving. He wore that when he was on the New York Nets, Berzy. Did I just say Nia? Jesus Christ. Number three, Paul, Jim Brown. Oh my God. I forgot. What list is Jim Brown? Number three. When you're talking number 32. Wow. Who's number two.

Shaquille O'Neal. Now, come on. You got to put Jim Brown in front of Shaquille O'Neal. A hundred percent. Four time NBA. He won four NBA championships, three pile on with the Lakers,

and then one when he went to the Heat. Just going to get shit for that. And number one, Paul. Yes, deservingly so. Irvin Magic Johnson. Yes. Showtime. I got to tell you something.

I thought 23 would be a better list. I think 32 is the best list. Oh, easily. Paul, and I didn't even bring up your boy either. Who? I didn't want to bring him up because I didn't want to start. What, who? Well, they got a number here, Bill Walton, Jason Kidd,

and they got stuff like that. Then I went through one, and I was like, oh, Jesus, Blake Griffin, Paul. Me and Paul have argued about Blake Griffin. You're like, all he does is dunk. All he does is dunk. It's like, yeah, and the whole fucking league. We always have a couple of arguments. No, I mean, listen, dude, I went a little hard, and you went a little.

Here's what happens. I get mad at something, and I go hard hard and then bill tries to offset it so then you give a little more leeway that's what happens that's what happened there's always it's like jump out of the gym he didn't need an outside shot and then once his legs went then he started developing outside shot and you were like yeah this and that this and that dude the guy helped put the fucking clippers on the map i know the clippers had the the viewership of like the w a wnba team before that guy came along come on nobody cared about the clippers they had them in l.a they went down to sandy audio it was san diego first then l.a i was thinking the charges

what was the la charges then the san die Chargers, then L.A. again? Well, we got a very exciting week coming up, Bill, because NFL football is back. The cold weather. Oh, you know I'm a kid that loves a little weather. Okay? I got 67 degrees. I got the leaves are going to start changing. I got football coming.

I'm up here in the country. I mean, this is my time. I am a fall guy. I am a fucking – I am a fall guy, dude. You know what I hate? Last year was the only year I had all the Sundays off because of the pandemic. I could actually watch football like I did before I got into this business. And then there was like no crowd or anything.

And then this year, like I'm like crazy on the road for the first month, month and a half of the season. And it goes by so quick. But, dude, I didn't realize they somehow convinced the NFL players to play 17 games this year. What's that noise that sounds like a suction cup like the dentist? Oh, you know what it is? It's my stupid computer because I don't have it plugged in.

Hang on. I'm in this dumbass hotel room. Hold on. Okay. No, you know that thing that sucks the saliva? Do I know it, Paul? I used to work in a dental office. I know all about it. Hang on. Talk about yourself.

Yeah, we're going to get these odds. So this is what we'll do for you guys this week. We'll get some odds out. Bill will make a pick. I'll make a pick. We'll talk a little shit. It'll be the usual shit we do. It'll be the usual shit we do.

Why do they forever putting couches in front of outlets given us that every fucking hotel room um so i moved like fucking nine end tables just to get to a fucking outlet so last night we're at the stand okay um i was running around like a maniac i did bonfire went to the stand ran ran ran a long set then ran out to ykwd then go back to the stand bill's there bartnick's there a bunch of friends are there we're hanging out i get tired it's like one something in the morning and i'm like you know what i had a day i gotta do radio in the morning so i go all right man i'm i'm gonna take off i start hugging everybody goodbye and Bill goes I thought about this later Bill Bill goes Bill goes dude you're gonna what do you think dude

we're going to the the Penn State game are you gonna do anything I go yeah you're gonna bet the game yeah and I go I'm betting 300 on the phone betting 300 on Penn State and then you go dude do you even know you could you even know what the spread is and I was like no and then you go dude do you even know you could you even know what the spread is and i was like no and then i go who they playing i have never heard a recipe for losing 300 bucks better than that paul you bet the penn state gave yeah i'm putting 300 on penn. Do you know what the spread is? No. Hey, who are they playing? I mean, what happened, Paul? I just looked at him and we were standing in the street and I started laughing and you started laughing. We laughed for like fucking two minutes straight. I mean, that is just the classic. And then I pulled out my phone. I go, let me see who they're

playing. And they're playing Ball State. And they're 22-point favorites. But here's the thing. In all fairness, I was taking Penn State no matter what because we're going to be there. So I would have put that 300. Who they play and the spread would have been insignificant. You know, you got to go a little action. You got to go a little action when you're there.

And by the way, I learned this and I think you'd agree when you're at a place, when you're at somebody's home, don't bet against them unless you really, I did that when me and Steve Mazzilli went to Monday night football, Denver versus Mahomes and the Chiefs. It was a four point line. I took the Chiefs and I ended up enjoying the game, but it was weird here and everybody go nuts. And I was just going like, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, don't be that guy. It's like,

you can enjoy it with the hometown. It all depends on what you want to do, unless you're just an asshole. And if you really don't like seeing people have a good time, then you bet on the visitor. And that's the guy that shows up to the craps table. And one of the craps bets is to bet against against the roller so everybody don't pass to the pass bar i always forget which everybody's clapping come on man get that nine hit the point and then there's a one guy who like puts it on i

think it's the come line and and and when you do that and then all of a sudden he's basically betting that you're gonna crap out before getting the nine. And it's just such a shitty. It's like that guy's not at the casino. I know. Then all the dumb degenerates around the table are like, oh, you jinxed him. You jinxed him. Jinx the shooter.

It's like this is literally a game of chance. I always love those guys who sit there before they throw the dice and they got the way that they can, you know, the numbers that they want to be seeing. And then you still lose i also hate like when you're at the crap table and you're finally winning some money like all right bring me down on that six and everybody's like oh it's like am i supposed to leave my money out there until this guy inevitably craps out if i just leave it there i'm gonna lose it at what point can i collect my winnings oh that's great i don't like crap suit craps is like no i don't like when the when the table's hot and then they stop that's on purpose dude i got pissed at a dude what they do is if a guy's got like four points in a row and the place is going nuts and they're handing out money they come in with the new dice which with a new guy they start doing things i remember sitting there

and everyone's looking around. And I just looked at the guy and the guy gave me the look like, yeah, that's what we're doing. I literally said, dude, this isn't right. We're having a good time. Let this thing. And he was just like, you know, doing this stupid. Like, they know what they're doing. Like, let's calm this table down for a little bit.

You know, the house is taking a little bit of a hit. But my thing is, like, what are they actually doing? You know, the house is taking a little bit of a hit. But my thing is, like, what are they actually doing? Because it is a game of chance, but there's something about you. They're fucking with the vibe. Yeah, it's like, dude, it's like if a coach is not going to take a jump shooter out of a game if you just knock down six in a row, you're not just going to be like, oh.

Yeah, but the other team might call a timeout, Paul. That's true. That's true. That's true. That's true. That's true. That's true. Let's ice the kicker here. I was just going to say, ice the kicker. Speaking of that, did you see the Florida Seminoles-Notre Dame game, dude?

That was as good a college football game, especially under the lights, opening weekend ever. No, I was working a – I was doing a casino in bethlehem pennsylvania which i'd been to before dude you pull into that thing and you just see like the the rusted remains of how this giant steel mill do when i tell you it's like five football fields long and they knock down part of it to put the casino up i mean dude that was like one of those things where you didn't have to pass the third grade in that town it's just like i'm ending up at the mill i i have a job i'm good and that's back when there was like a middle class and inflation and

everything like the dude when i was a kid the dude there was the milkman there was the diaper man these guys just drove trucks they just delivered milk it was like doing a fucking paper route as an adult and you made enough money with inflation to buy a house and you could have a stay-at-home wife if you wanted to me too i mean as much as i love my life i gotta tell you something in another life i don't want to be the diaper man be the milk man you kidding me collecting the empty bodies bottles putting the fucking new bottles in the in the thing that's it hey how you doing mr johnson gang gang gang just backing out of the driveway you fucking what are you giving shit you got your little lunchbox i'm just saying as far as like

not stressing out oh no i know i fan i told you i used to fantasize about having a job like that those trucks with the doors they open from all the way to the top to the bottom smoking a stick coming down the street nobody gives a fuck because it's the 70s oh that's the best listening to your music just listening to your music knowing you know having your favorite parking space for lunch you go under a tree yeah you go under a tree your wife can't call bring fucking this home yeah you got an am radio listening to a ball game i mean it there was a moment there there was a moment between like uh it was like world war ii in like the 80s it was this little fucking window

where uh if you didn't have to go to korea or vietnam if you somehow you know i don't know what got out of that because there was a bunch of bad shit happening but i'm just saying uh civil rights i don't want a bad shit going but if you were a white guy driving a milk truck you were you you fucking you were the king of the world back then. I remember the America I remember, Bill, but the America I remember was walking from my grandmother's house to the candy shop in Yonkers. And it had a pizzeria next to it where they made these amazing Italian ice. It was called Dunwoody Pizza. It's still there. But if you went into the candy shop, they had a couple of video games back there, arcades that you put quarters in

none of this swiping a card, like you would have to go in there with quarters and it would be like the old school arcade. And you would go in there and we would go and we would buy like a pack of starburst and just huddle around this arcade game to get the highest score and go back. And it was the shit, man. It was like when Mike Tyson Punch-Out came out, those games, dude. By the way, you can buy those now. They make like, and you build them. You could buy them for like $300 to $400, and they come in like box it.

But you have to put it together. But it actually looks like the arcade. It's just a little smaller. Wow. Yeah, I'm going to do that, like nba jam with the three point he's on fire i want to get that and maybe just put it like lucas will lose his shit if i put that in his room i used to play the mike tyson knockout he's like that one guy when he would like hop back and then he'd come flying in and throw that uppercut oh the bull the bull. The bull. That guy, it took me about $5 in quarters to figure out. And I used to always like get out of the way of it.

My guy would be sitting right there and get his head freaking knocked back. Did you guys have an arcade? Like you had a big arcade where you lived? Yeah. Yeah, my game, I used to play a game called Elevators that everybody forgets. And it almost looked like I spy,

but there was one guy who was a spy, who was dressed all in white, and then the other guys guys were i think the bad guys were all in black more looking like the hamburger you know with the with the mask on and you you like i think a little helicopter bringing to the top of the building then you had to get in the elevator i remember that yeah and each floor there'd be these guys and you'd have to shoot them as you were going down and then there was always the one bastard as you were going down once your gun went below the floor level but your head was still there he'd lay down and give you two beans right to the head i remember that game with the helicopter dropping you in i remember that there was another game i remember it was like a vietnam

like helicopter one and you'd go in and i think you were picking guys up you'd have to shoot people and then you'd land and then his guys got in the helicopter they go take it take it take it take it i never knew what the that man they were getting the thing and then you flew away there's like one guy out there listening right now remembers that game somebody's chopped lifter it was called choplifter on regular sega like the 8-bit the original it was called choplifter yeah come in and then shoot the bombs at you and you'd have to try and take off before do you remember those guys running in yeah take it take it take it and i was thinking like they were like wanting me to leave the other guys behind i was always

thinking like shut the up i'm not taking anything until we get everybody in the, in the, want to leave Willem Dafoe down there. That just makes me, every time I think of that, it just makes me think of Leslie Nielsen in Naked Gun when he came out of the movie theater holding his stomach laughing and then the camera panned up and it said platoon. It's like this,

it's like one of the most devastating endings to a movie. And Leslie Nielsen's like doing a gut chuckle laugh crying laughing dude leslie nielsen was a beast dude leslie nielsen uh our boy there pete pete texted me the other day he goes dude leslie nielsen's underrated. I go, dude, Leslie Nielsen in anything that he did after Police Squad when he played that, like, just silly aloof cop. Oh, my God. One of my favorite jokes was in Police Squad. He was at dinner, and he was in one of, like, those little corner booths

with, like, the leather chair or whatever, and he's with some spy lady or whatever and he knows she's a spy and she puts poison in his drink so he goes to drink and he just starts coughing like fucking 30 seconds then he just stops she goes you alright

and he goes yeah wrong pipe it's such a stupid joke but I fucking and then they just they just plow ahead like okay well i guess if you drink poison but you inhale it rather than drinking it you don't die he goes don't you worry we're gonna spend every waking minute finding out who did this now let's go get a bite to eat it's just about the naked guy make a gun when he goes up and he's bribing the he's bribing the uh the rat uh going like hey you know what so and so is no uh how about now okay he's down there

oh yeah what time did you see him the guy's like i don't know and then all of a sudden he starts paying leslie deals he goes i don't know my memory ain't so good he goes yeah how about now he goes it's coming back to me. And then he goes, can you spot me at 20? He starts giving him the money back, dude. It's the fucking funniest shit ever. Dude, Leslie, the naked gun. I say naked gun and airplane are still in my top five funniest of all time. It's just there's a joke every 30 seconds.

And when you still watch him, there's something else. When he calls the strike on the second one before it even gets in there, the strike two, the ball is still coming to the catcher, and he goes, I like two, two. I like – no, but – And he does that little thing with his hand. A steer. And then he fucking starts dancing, and it's clearly not him.

He's doing a split. Dude. Oh, my God. Dude, I saw that. I was working. It was one of the great days when I was younger. I was working in a warehouse. We had our Christmas party that night.

And we all got together early. All the knuckleheads. I think we were all fucking underage. I think we already started drinking. And we went to go see that movie. And we just fucking were just hitting each other, just dying laughing. and then that night we went to the Christmas party got hammered just had a great time until the boss kind of looked at us like what the you guys are all under age dude it literally took us till we were blind drunk before he finally dawned on him

like hey we probably shouldn't be having us we all drove there and we all drove home because it was the 80s how old were you um 19 no naked gun came out when 88 or 89 um i don't know one of those i think eighty-nine came out in 88 i was 20 if it came on 89 i was actually of age but i was still face 88 88 okay yeah oh yeah oh yeah yeah yeah i was fucking hammered and then it was fun oh no and then 89 that's right christmas 89 i was i was arrested for drinking and driving we saw it paul they saw me going off the rails there's nothing we could do fortunately i didn't hurt anybody else um i opened for you in ottawa one time when we did that Canadian long Canadian tour. And I looked on the wall in that Ottawa theater that we were in and they had

all pictures of Canadian comedic actors. And I saw Leslie Nielsen and that's when I, I didn't know he was Canadian, but that's when I, that's when I saw a picture of him and I was just like, Oh, he's Canadian. And they were like all proud.

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That's policygenius.com slash better. Policy Genius, when it comes to insurance, Paul, it's nice to get it right. Yes, it is. So let's get into this for a second, Bill. Let's do a little. We're going to get into the football later. We're going to get into the gambling and stuff later. But I do want to talk about since football's coming back, what you're because this is a funny thing about you. You always did this even during the Patriots. Great years. I would say to Bill, what do you think? What are the Patriots? You guys are going to crush this year? And Bill always, he always took the conservative.

He always took the, you know, listen, man, it depends. You know, our defense, you know, we made some. He never would go, oh, no, this is our year. What is your optimism level of this new Jones kid you got at the helm? What do you think you guys are going to do after, you know, after kind of last year losing the starting quarterback and doing all that? Do you think you guys are a 500 team? Yes.

I definitely think we're a 500 team. I still think it's Buffalo's division with Josh Allen and all those guys they got out there. I think it might take us a season or two to get up to where they're playing if mac jones is what everybody is saying he is but last night when i was at the stand uh another comic who knows somebody who knows somebody connected with the in the 49ers organization was saying that Mac Jones is the real deal. And when I got excited, I saw the look on your face.

It bugged you as a Giants fan. And then you were just like, yeah, you know, that's good. You know, the Giants, they got a good old line. They got the good old line. We're going to be all right. No, no. I said if they have a good old line. But no, I want to see you guys do good.

No, no. I know what it really was was, you you know your quarterback ran down the field and tripped over over you know nobody so you're thinking like what do we got here do we got another butt fumbled guy dude the giant i mean i mean i mean the guy should have had a jet's uniform on when he did that shit paul you know that you know that i know that yeah well the only reason why i give it a pass is because he scored on the next play. They scored. They scored. Oh, yeah. No, thank God he did.

But that play, because of the fucking Internet, still will live on in infamy. But hopefully it'll be something that he goes back and can laugh at. They should have a five-minute collaboration video of white guys doing shit like that. Dude, that one, I remember I called you one time and I go, dude, please tell me you saw that white dude with the dunk and you just go oh no what happened he dunked he was alone he dunked and held the thing and his body flipped like he it looked like it was almost impossible it looked like he went he had a fast break he went up dunked held the rim his legs and then his body just flipped over it was one of the legs kept legs kept going. His legs kept going. It was almost like an Olympic event.

Like, it just flipped over, and he plopped down, and people were like, what just happened? It was brutal. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, well... It was brutal. The butt fumble. I mean, it's just...

It's just... Yeah. Yeah, you know how we are. We don't have the explosive game. What was I going to say? You just reminded me of something about what we were talking about last night. Oh, no. I was going to ask you, do you think the pitiful NFC East last year,

where you could have like five wins and win the division. Like, what do you think is going to happen this year? Did Cam Newton sign on anywhere? Because I know people say maybe he was going to go to the Cowboys. He hasn't. He was going to go to the Cowboys or Texans, and I didn't see anything happen. They're saying, this is what they're saying.

They're saying the Eagles are going to be the worst and that they're not going to do much. They're saying that it's all about the Giants O-line, but the Giants are set up with more weapons. But they're also saying Dak Prescott could come back now that he came back, that he's going to have a breakout. So, and the defense of the Washington football team is incredible. So everyone's got Washington coming out of the division with the Giants maybe having a chance for it and then whatever. I don't know. I'll say this. I think that the New York Giants are going to win the East. And I think they're going to be nine and seven or ten and six. That's what I think is what you got going for you. The Redskins, you know, I guess they're OK, but they just that franchise has been screwed for a long time you're telling me the eagles stink so i'll take your word on that

and then they're saying i don't know the cowboys the cowboys problem has been their owner for forever forever he caught lightning in a bottle with jim and made the guy leave. And ever since then, dude, it has been a shit show. Yeah. It's been a shit show. So I just don't think that – I don't know. You kind of got an easy division there, Paul. All you guys got to do is get your shit together this year. We do have an easy division.

You rattle off. That's like back in the day, the Patriots. Every year, you would win like six games out of the gate, although the Dolphins usually split with us you know bill sucked the jets sucked there was four wins right there the dolphins we'd split with so right there we were already like you know five games towards you know being at least eight and eight i feel like you guys are in that right now is saquon barkley gonna come back yeah I think he's coming back week one against the Broncos so how are the Broncos this they always play the Patriots stuff they're they're you know

they've got a new quarterback this year we'll see what happens but you know I listen I think the Giants have weapons now and I like Daniel Jones they got Teddy Bridgewater yeah so he went where we see with the Panthers last year yeah he yeah he went from the saints to the panthers to now he's on the broncos i love teddy bridgewater i think he's great but you know he's got to stay healthy and um i don't know if he's got the weapons the giants giants have weapons man i'm not even just saying that the giants have weapons it's just a matter of they can protect them that's it all right i don't know why the fuck we don't just – why teams – everyone wants to draft the gaudy big-name receiver.

Just draft a fucking moose from Wisconsin. Just draft a moose up front to just block you, man. That's the name of the game, dude. You get a good – you get a decent to above-average quarterback with a good coach and a good line. That's what you need. I know, I know, but those flashy guys sell the tickets. I know.

Yeah, I know. What are you going to do, man? We'll see what happens. I'm just, you know, I'm scared because I'm like, if this guy's running for his life again, it's like what's it going to take to just change the draft method? You know, I think that Eli Manning lost three years of his career. You said one time, you go, I think Eli could get three.

And at first I was like, no, I don't know if Bill's. And then I saw the run that they could go on. And I was like, oh, he's right. Eli's got another one in him. And then they just didn't protect him. From 2000. I still did great. But I, yeah, I, I was a big,

big, no, no Patriot fan, you know, doesn't know that Eli plays big in the biggest moments. You know, the guy just, just cool as a cucumber.

And yeah, the Giants for a while used to always say they would play to the competition doing that crap to use that cliche. You guys would like lose to like the redskins or something like this come out there flack he's like yeah the redskins suck but as long as you made the playoffs then you guys became uh really dangerous so we'll see i'm just psyched but i guess they're playing 17 this year jesus christ i can't believe that with all this cte that they're gonna do, make them play an extra game.

I think because the players wanted to play one less preseason game. Then the owners are like, all right, well, then make it a real season game. And it's just like, I don't know. I think that's crazy. Dude, last night there was a kid at the stand who played football in Florida. He played for uh uc he played for a florida team not not you ucf but one of those florida teams he played but he said he played against the florida gators he played against all these teams and the guy was like not that big he was like just under six feet or whatever i think you saw him and he was just

talking to me and bartnick and he goes he goes yeah he goes after my eighth concussion coaches and then we're like yeah dude you're not going but you're done like you weren't going pro anyway you had eight concussions like you're done he's like no no I could let me I think I could and they were like no you're not you're like you know that's great that they do that now yeah yeah but he was just they'd let that keep kid keep playing till he was like punch drunk and then you don't make the uh the nfl dude you know when i was born i believe in 1968 they only played 12 games and then they moved it from 12 up to 14 and then from 14 to 16 which been 16 forever and now it's 17 so they've increased five games a season since i've been born last century it's selfish it's all for money and it's ridiculous it's it's it's ridiculous dude all right so what records do

you think are gonna fall now now you have 17 like most passing yards in a season i don't think rushing's gonna go because nobody runs the ball anymore but like i think a bunch of rushing's gonna go because nobody fucking runs the ball anymore but like i think a bunch of passing records uh yeah you get an extra game every year yeah people start doing the asterisk it's gonna be a mess i don't know but as a fan i'm happy yeah you get another week to sit down and fucking eat. Yeah. I got to figure out how to sign up for that fucking NFL package on my computer because I'm going to be in hotel rooms the whole time out here. Yeah, you could get the NFL package on an app on your phone and then cast it, I think.

Oh, I can do that? Yeah. Yeah. All right. You just get the NFL package on the phone and then you can uh cast it um jesus anyway so my wife and i last night we got into it she goes uh not into it but she was right she goes did you get a hotel and i go now i get one i'll book it online you know and then i i tried you know and then I

try to book it online and then at two o'clock in the morning I found out that it didn't confirm so I was walking around Times Square hot sweating two o'clock in the morning with no place to sleep and then I call you and I go hey man I go uh and then I go dude you you got a blanket no the vest was like you go yeah well you could come here and you know crash on the couch if you want i was like yeah i just need six hours and then i go you got a blanket and you were like i i don't know and i was like yeah i don't know i don't know the next blanket here i fucking use that rug behind you no dude i was just like you just see me fucking no dude i just i know dude i look like

i'm in a hair transplant waiting room it is subconsciously putting rugs on the wall to make you to try to sell it to you like this right here looks like the old the old school hair plugs on these just staple them into you i used to i used to be able to sleep comfortably in a hotel. I can't anymore. Is that weird? I used to go to a hotel and be like, no wife, no kids. Show's over. I got shit to do tomorrow until five, six o'clock. And then I would just wake up and be like, who called? I'm in a strange place. Starting to fuck with me as I get a little older. I'm not doing good with age, Bill. You know that about me. I want to run a 5'5 or less 40. Oh my God. Paul texted me the other day. He said, you know what? If I drop a few pounds, I want to... You pulled your groin. No, I have a hernia. You have a hernia. You have a hernia, which sucks because you were trying to get in shape where you could run a sub five, Which sucks because you were trying to get in shape where you could run a sub five, five or less 40 yard dash. Five or less. Yeah. And I don't think now with the surgery and the recovery and stuff like that.

Paul, you wouldn't have anyway. No, I probably would have gotten to like five, five, five, six. I've done that before. I wanted to get it lower than that, though. You've done it before when? Years ago, I ran a five, five. What does years ago mean paul i don't know middle school yes i'm just i know you went for the joke there but i know i know that's true dude oh i was young no i was younger but i'm faster now i'm faster now than i was like when i was i'm faster now than I was. I'm faster now than I was when I was in high school, I think.

I'm stronger. You know what I mean? I know how to run more. You're not, Paul. I've seen pictures of you. You were a wire. You were a beanpole when you were in high school. I've seen the pictures.

I've seen you on the beach. I couldn't believe it was you. Yeah. Yeah. Now you look like Jerome Bett're not you're not doing it dude i know you're not dude do you realize in the last month you told me that you could compete in the olympics you'd make a great president and that you could run a five a sub five or five or five i would be happy with five i mean you think i could definitely beat under six right i could definitely be oh you think i go over six yes no dad if you ran a five something whatever back in in high school and you were like 25 30 pounds lighter yeah dude you're not running a fucking six dude six is six is slow man i think i ran like an eight in high

school what what did uh what did brady run when his body looked horrible in that draft can you find that out whatever whatever muscle twitch he has. That's what I have. Dude. Brady ran like he was fucking jogging to the store. No, when he runs, he looks like how tall guys used to look.

Tall guys used to be big and clumsy. He's like an old school when he runs, when he's standing there, like passing the ball, he looks like a fucking, you know superstar he ran a 5-2 okay he ran a 5-2 okay 8 so he almost ran a 5-3 that's fast and he was running like shit it's not nfl fast but 5-2-8 is fast the only position you could fucking ever get in the NFL.

What's that? They ran a 4-8. Dude, for a 6'5 white guy, dude, that is fucking flying. Yeah, that is. That is, dude. That is great. Rodgers ran, wow. 4-7.

Yeah, dude, Rodgers is an animal, dude. Rodgers is an animal. Who else should we look up? Who else should we look up? Russell Wilson. What a Russell Wilson run. Ooh, I'm going to say 4-6 or under. I'd say 4-4. That's wide receiver

shit. What do we got? What do you say, Paul? Over or under? 4-4? 4-6. Over 4-4. All right, i'm taking the under oh damn four five five you said four four i said first that's right in the middle no no no but i said i said over under well i thought we were going over under on a four six okay all right but i didn't clarify so i'm not going to take that i've said that you're sitting there acting like i'm we weren't even betting money there, Paul.

Why would I do that to you? Dude, I'm going to do this. I'm going to tape it, and I'm going to send it to the show, and we're going to play it on the show. I got to figure out what I could do. Six is almost insulting me, Bill. Deion Sanders, 3.9. What?

Paul, can I tell you something right now? Could you please not go out and time your 40? Because you're going to get hurt, and then you're going to get depressed. And, you know, you're one of the few rays of light in my life. I can't go out on the road with you in my mindset before I can do a Thelma and Louise in a Hertz rental car. Right into the Niagara. It'll be epic.

How come I didn't know Dion did a 3.9, dude? I thought the fastest time was under 4.2. 3.9 is like. I didn't think anybody ever got a 3. Dude, I've never even heard of that. 4.11. There's different Numbers here but it looks like 4-1-1

4-1-1 In 1989 Nobody's broke 4 dude Somebody might but that's like Usain Bolt shit dude That's like That would have been great if he was a receiver dude They asked him

Just be a receiver for a couple If Usain Bolt off the line All you'd have to do is just chuck it up. Nobody. He would go past the safety. It would be hilarious. No, but those guys, but he's never been hit. So what they do is they give him that inside of five-yard chuck. No track guy can deal with that.

They just take off and they run with the wind. All of a sudden, you got some lunatic from the SEC hitting you in the mouth. He's not going to like that. I'll tell you what I can't do, okay? I've said a lot of things on the show that I can do. You want to know what I can't do? I can't fuck with weights, dude.

I don't know if it's my shoulders or just, but, like, I can't. Like, even, like, I bet you, you like what what 45 on one side each each big one is 45 dude I don't think I could do two on each side more than why would you do why would you pick up a 45 pound dumbbell at your age no no no I mean a bench press oh bench press like a bench yeah that's 135 why would you do that to your shoulders? Yeah, dude, it's like I see. That exercise, especially if you do it wrong, which most people do, myself included, will fuck your shoulders up. You want to do independent dumbbells, right? And you want to do lightweights, higher rep, the older you get.

All that being like super strong and all that shit, that's for the kids, Paul. You're in your stretching lean and mean years i'm telling you dude i'm telling you yoga going for walks those foam rollers i mean young kids should be doing that too but like you can get away with it for a while but i'm telling you man like oh you gotta let that shit go oh the number old man is the shit man being an old man in shape you know dressing sharp but like an old man is the shit it is now now it just went higher yeah so now i went four to four two seven yeah it's four two seven and uh there's like internet rumors and they said there were street rumors back in the day that he ran. Like they said he crab walked a 411.

So there were a lot of rumors back then of people saying that he did it in crazy time. But because no internet, they couldn't check. And even with the internet, apparently, screwed it up. But yeah, 427. That's what he did. 427. All right. I swear to God, Paul, I think I ran a high 740 in a pair of shell toes in gym class

i'm interested to see what my son does because this was funny dude is i kept myself in shape and in my early 30s i was playing touch football in central park with a bunch of comedians and the first time I ever heard somebody say, watch Burr. Cover Burr. He's fast. And I almost fell down laughing. I was like, I am not fast. You guys are out of shape.

I was slow when I was 18. I just didn't put on 30, 40 fucking pounds like all of you guys. I'll still never forget that game dude i couldn't fucking walk for like four days after that because none of us stretched and we were all in our 30s that was the first time i didn't think we i think might have been like late 20s i had like some crazy bruise on my arm um i was like me oh yeah bob, Bobby Kelly, this famous Bobby Kelly story. So me and Bobby were roommates and I was having a better game than him. And he was just like, he was psycho competitive back then. So at one point there was like, I think one person rushed or two people rushed or whatever. So Bobby was rushing and i was blocking and uh i saw his

nostrils flaring right right before the kid hiked the ball so i knew he was coming so what i did was i just sort of as he jumped up i hopped back so that first burst he would catch nothing but wind he just catch the air right and i knew that that's all he had because it was getting to later in the game and he was gassed and he was emotional so he's using up his energy so i kind of jumped back and he missed anything and i just sort of and as he was falling i just sort of guided him to the ground kind of so he wouldn't hurt don zimmer yeah yeah like pedro don zimmer like well that's perfect right to the yeah and he got so mad he grabbed two handfuls of grass and just ripped them out of the ground and then went right in front of me just went he threw it as hard as he could like right in my face

but it was grass so it went like 90 miles an hour for about like six inches and then just went like like between me and him and then I remember this Puerto Rican kid that was playing too just goes he goes he stopped doing he just go yo he bugging ah oh God that's great dude I've teased him about that like once every three years for i don't know we played like it was a 20 something years ago that's great yeah we had a great time and that's i remember some white lady came over you can't play football over here i think she owned like the apartment she was looking down on under the under uh whatever the it is what do you call it? Grand Central Park? Central Park?

Yeah, Central Park. I love pickup football games. We made a fucking, we went big. We would get like eight on eight. And I would always play quarterback. And they knew what I was doing. And I would just go do, I would say to the fastest guy, I go, dude, just run a post as fast as you can.

Just beat him. And then I would look away. So I would look this way. And then I would just turn and throw it that way. And he was always, it would always catch. It was so fucking fun. It was so fun. But then you started to get older where if you got tech,

cause we played tackle and that's what kids would start to get. That's when kids would like, when you were in like, I messed up my back, get hurt. We had this game. We had this game going on. It was,

it wasn't the popular kids. It wasn't the nerds. it wasn't the burnouts it wasn't the metal metalheads it was the good shits that's where i hung in the gray i was a good shit but i you know i wasn't fucking cool and i wasn't like you know a spaz or anything so we just started this game that started off like four and four and we get these stories and we would be talking about it at the cafeteria and everyone would be laughing and then each week more and more dude and it finally got to the point it was like fucking 11 on 11 and it was fucking insane and then what ended up yeah i ended up fucking my backup and i knew i should have taken uh a week off but the other kid you know come on what are you a and I played never since then it was the first time I messed up my lower back but uh then eventually what happened

was the the really popular kids started playing the actual football players and then a lot of the good stopped playing and then it just became you know like me and two of the other like regular guys versus all these guys were actually on the football team we would get smoked i remember they were just you know just faster they were bigger but uh you know i'm really glad i did that because it was better than playing organized football because then i really would have got my fucking bell rung or whatever that but the fact that you play because there was something to say about playing without a helmet, like tackle football. Nobody's leading with their head. You know what I mean? A lot of shoulder tackles, trying to grab the legs and shit like that.

However, early on, when football first came about and it was evolving from rugby or wherever it came from, they would have three or four guys would die during a game. It was insane. So they ended up, they were going to try to outlaw the game. What's his face? Joe Bartnick was telling me Teddy Roosevelt wanted to save the game, so he enacted something about the forward pass or something like that to try to open it up a little bit and not just have a bunch,

like 12 guys, 11 guys on each side just smashing yeah it's uh we were talking about it last night man they said it's like a mini it's like a mini car wreck dude like uh they i think it was either jerome bettis or another i was talking to bartnick and that guy about this last night they showed a video jerome Jerome Bettis was watching a video or an active running back was watching a video of an older running back or like a current running back that was at the end of their career get out of bed yeah they said from fucking Monday to Wednesday the dude would like roll out of bed and like military crawl on his arms to the bathroom slowly get up dude and and active running backs were watching

it like crying like what they say like what happens to your legs i think that's why saquon is so successful and it also if you look at saquon's quads and you look at barry sanders quads those guys that are low to the ground and they're fucking they're the uh earl campbell those guys fucking legs their bottom of their legs were like tree trunks and they were able to but like dude the beat yeah but look at earl campbell earl campbell ended up in a wheelchair it's it's fucked up dude i saw like you know seeing gronk have to take a year off dude i did a roast one time i did a roast with that guy one time dude his his legs are like fucking three of my legs like one of his legs he was gigantic and i remember seeing like going like

i watched this guy play football and like someone will come from the side hit him in the side of the leg and i watched this this mountain of a man go flying like how strong are these guys so yeah like for gronk to look like a rag doll it's like you know he never looked like a rag doll but he definitely went flying no i mean when they took his legs out though but i remember i i put my hand on von miller's and and uh the draft night willis goes hey why don't you come down to this dude i went like this to von miller and it was like i put my hand on a cinder block i couldn't believe that a man that big and it was that fast and like it was like touching it was like touching marble it was he wasn't even flex he wasn't even flexing

no dude he was relaxed at a party standing there in like a t-shirt and i just went and it was like it was like touching a wall it was like these guys are i i remember taking it from i was like dude did you know this guy is fucking nuts but um um guys coming down to it real quick september 15th i will be at the punchline in philly running my hour and then i will be at levity live on the 16th and 17th running my hour until i ultimately shoot the special on the 18th tickets are still available they're going for the saturday pick those up um and uh and the wilbur Theater, October 22nd. Get my YouTube Verzi Effect Monday morning podcast. Bill's shit. My shit.

Thank you guys so much. Is there anything else, guys? I think that's it. And let's go, New York football giants. Thank you.