Anything Better? - 'Humans Are Like Daffodils'

Episode Date: January 14, 2023

Is there Anything Better than Bill & Paul being back?  They talk about going to the National Championship game, g-force, and dumb people following dumb people.

what's up everybody and welcome back to the anything better podcast with your host me paul versi bill burr and our producer extraordinaire the greek freak, Andrew Themlis, out there from the compound of Beverly Hills. We are back, everybody. And you guys listen in to episode number 73, another number that I am not – hey, I'll be there in the 80s. What do you got, Bill? Paul, you're a ball watcher. You don't go in the trenches.

I got John Hanna, the great John Hanna from the New England Patriots, not to be confused with his brother Charlie, who played for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, if I remember. Ron Yari from those great Minnesota Viking teams that unfortunately didn't take steroids, so lost to the Steelers. Larry, Larry Little, Larry Allen, Stan Jones. uh larry larry little larry allen stan joe larry allen one of the best larry allen one of the best uh offensive lineman ever no there you go yes uh dallas cowboy how do you not love an offensive lineman you got to 300 pound smart guy going up against those dopes that are just looking at the ball, Paul. I mean, the brainiacs, the nerds are the offensive linemen. We all know this.

The defensive linemen, I mean, there's not a thought in their head. I'm just saying shit that I've heard offensive linemen say to me. They have no respect for defensive linemen. They say they just line up and look oh go have the ball um let's talk about this i was out there with you guys i had my little visit came out to los angeles yes and i loved it i always love my trips out there. I really do. And we decided, well, Bill said, hey, do you want to go see TCU Georgia? We're like, yeah, we do. So we get a group of fellas.

We get into a nice little ride there. We go over there. We have a good time. Nice little ride. We had a van, a sprinter van on the way over. It was amazing. I felt like I was inside an aquarium. Oh, my God.

The comedy that went on in there, the ball, it was so fucking funny, dude. We had a friend who got a little tipsy there, so it was a lot of fun. There's always one person that's a little out in front of the group. You know what I mean when it comes to, you know. Well, it's funny you say that. It's funny you say that because I'm going to be in a sprinter tonight, even though I'm under the weather. I checked for COVID. There's no COVID.

You know, Paulie's got a little cold. It's something that we could persevere or go right through. It's fine. But I'm going in a sprinter down to Billy Joel tonight at the garden. So Billy Joel's playing the Garden. A friend of ours. It's her birthday. I'm still standing.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm going to do it again, but I'm going to... I did that on purpose just to watch Andrew shake his head and be like, that's Elton John. I'm sorry. Oh, that's... You know what? That's how little I know I went with it. Saturday night's alright for fighting.

Get us an election in you know that's how Andrew I went with it you should troll people in the parking lot doing that Bill as you sang that I was like I almost kept singing it thinking you were right that's how little I knew that's why I was laughing I was like Paul's sailing right through this oh yeah I'm like that

do that to people at the concert tonight I'm so psyched for Billy Joel on the dark side yeah oh yeah on the dark side and then they just in there that's that's not and then just be like oh that's not him play rocket man play rock everyone's like no rocket man something Fucking something and something, yeah. Like, no, Paul, it's Piano Man. No, he does both. He does both.

I think we're alone now. Doesn't seem to be anyone around. Then they'll know you're fucking with them. All right, so you're going to go see Billy Joel. I'm going to go see Billy Joel tonight. Dude. He sold that place out more than the Knicks. I know. He's got more consecutive wins. Sorry.

No. It's a deserved joke. It's a deserved joke. Now you got me feeling bad, Paul. So we leave the stadium, Bill, and it's pouring. No, no, no, no. You're going to skip past the fucking game me and paul go down to the game we're like tcu's getting 13 well you got to be fucking kidding me

you had 12 and a half i remember i got 13 you're like oh that that's a big half point that's a big half point we both put 500 bucks on the game that was the worst fucking college football game i think i've that that looked like a game in september when they have like fucking alabama place who gives a fuck community college those fucking assholes paul i i want to say the entire team the coaching staff they they quit by the second quarter okay i'm just a comic paul what do i know they rushed three guys the whole game they never blitzed them they stayed back in the zone that wasn't working

the fucking game paul it was over in four minutes i've never seen a football game where it was truly over with four minutes left in the first quarter truly over over it was unbelievable, dude. It was a historic ass kicking. Oh, my God, dude. That was just. I mean, there's probably people transferring out of that school just as students is how bad they got their asses kicked. Now, granted, the fucking, you know, the fucking Bulldogs came out with like Steve DeBerg a quarterback. The kid was like fucking 42 years old and an aarp card he was just standing back there just picking away at the zone the whole fucking game oh my god dude it's funny when tcu caught that one touchdown

i hit bill on the arm and i go no we're we're definitely covering, dude. They're back. It's only, see, see how quick. Totally blown coverage. God knows we could see it. We were sitting way up where it was fucking raining. Oh my God. We could almost poke our heads through the clouds and see the sun on the other side. Hey, Paul, I'm telling you, we were up there. What a beating, dude.

What a beating with the big game like that. I've never been been i've never seen anything like that you know it was amazing too the roof was leaking i kept trying to explain to people like they i think they just built this to keep the sun off you i didn't think that they would they they knew that there was gonna be a tropical downpour here and it the place you know was leaking the worst over the tcu fans those poor fucking people that's why i just kept thinking the amount of them that drove oh all the way from texas i mean it takes two days just to get out of texas paul they drove all the way there with their purple hopes and dreams literally the the football The football gods were crying on them the whole game. It was 51 to 7, halfway through the third.

It was 51 to 7. I've never seen fans look so – 52 to 7. That's when we left. Yeah, that's when we left. Devastating. I told you in the second quarter, I was like, Paul, if I was at home, I would have shut this game off.

You and I held on to hope, though. So funny. We held on to hope. Dude, two scores. Dude, two scores. And then we're like two scores away from 12. Yeah, two scores. We're still two scores down.

Dude, Georgia was covering 13 points about nine minutes into the game. It was unreal, dude. I've never seen. I've just never fucked. I'm trying to remember the last time in a fucking championship game. Dude, that was John Elway and the Broncos versus the 49ers in 1990. That was the 49ers versus the Chargers. Junior Seau, rest his soul.

That was 55 to 10 or something like that. Oh, was that even a worse one? Oh, my God. Yeah, just horrible. Oh, my God, dude. And then we go outside and it's pouring. And I saw a TCU father look at his son. And they tried to take cover under a thing.

And he just goes, it was either he was really cool, so so it might have been an uncle because he just looked at the kid and he goes it's all part of the experience buddy so we walked out we walked out at the perfect time there was nobody coming out then one of our buddies had to go to the bathroom went back into the stadium we're like what the and then it just started raining and then he got out there and we started walking towards the van our van driver went to the gym the guy was at the gym because who i mean i i wasn't upset with the guy who knew we were going to come out 45 minutes early who knew paul we would come out the amount of minutes early that the fucking tcu horn frog

come on frogs we're gonna be down all right if i gotta be honest we went out there and the second we got out in the rain dude within 10 seconds it was raining so hard and so much wind it was coming sideways um all right i gotta this is where i gotta disagree with you i think just me i think that you don't go to a gym when you're driving a group of guys to a football game and the weather's like that i think you should know the weather i think going to the gym is a little like having plans of your own during that is a little fucking, for me, I'm just like. Paul, what would you be doing? We're going to be gone for three hours.

You'd just be sitting there right outside the stadium where they don't let you sit. And by the time we got out there, half the fucking crowd was leaving. So I bet people who stayed to the end of the game waltzed out. Who's probably a sea of goddamn red and like three purple shirts. I don't know. I'd probably find a local Chick-fil-A, stay in the parking lot for a little while, eat some nuggets, listen to the game. Hey, Paul, you're not a gym guy.

I'm not going to the gym during work. I'm not going to the gym when I'm not working. It's like burning calories. It's the intake. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe I was just pissed off because it was raining. Either way, it was a great time. You're one of these guys, Paul.

You do this. It's coming down. Look, I lost. I lost some weight. Look it. I was on an elliptical for five minutes. But great time. I actually, it was so bad, I wanted to apologize.

I felt bad. You know, I got to hook up, you know, through my agency to get some tickets, you know, that weren't going to be a zillion dollars. And we all fucking go. That was the only good part. Yeah. We got face value tickets, thank God. But even that, you know, and then I just, we were so excited, Paul.

We walked in that, we were so excited, Paul. We watched that. We were so fucking excited. And it was literally like watching a fucking senior in high school take an ice cream cone away from a third grader. Yeah. But I learned something. You know what I learned, Bill? I'm never betting on college football again. I'm going to stick to the pros, dude.

I just don't know enough. And I saw TCU play Michigan and I go, they're pretty good against the run. I mean, I don't know enough about college football. So it was completely fucking stupid. Let me tell you something. Fucking Georgia almost lost to Ohio State who backed into the playoffs. Yeah, no, that's what I mean. You know, if they didn't have that blown coverage

and that kid didn't fucking kick the ball like he was kicking a shoe, I thought his shoe came off when I saw that fucking ball. Yeah. They wouldn't even have been in it. Yeah. Now, it should have been a red flag that TCU got two pick sixes and still almost lost that game to Michigan. That's what I was thinking afterwards. But I was like, Georgia didn't really impress me either. that TCU got two picks, sixes, and still almost lost that game to Michigan.

That's what I was thinking afterwards. But I was like, Georgia didn't really impress me either. They snuck by Ohio State. So you're going to give me 13 fucking points. I don't know how to – Paul, listen. I went 0-5 last week against the book, and then I fucking lost TCU. I'm 0-6, Paul. Dude, a housewife couldn't do that if she tried for a new suv with heated seats yeah you know and some non-stick pans she all you need

to do is get one one she could just pick she could just pick the color uniform she likes well not only did my teams lose they got smoked smoked. I took the fucking Raiders versus the 49ers. I don't know what they lose, by 30? Yeah, I don't even know. The one I had was the Pats over the Dolphins, which I switched. And they covered, and then they went to the fucking prevent, gave them a touchdown, and then they didn't. I had the fucking Ravens.

Oh, the Ravens have a defense. Scott fucking smoked it. It was like 24-7 in the second quarter. That was the only good part about going 0-5. Other than the Pats game, all of my games were so over that I had gone through all the emotions by the second quarter. Yeah, it was like the TCU game. You just got it in the back of the head. You just got shot in the back of the head you just you just got shot in the back of the head quick so um dude then i made the mistake i go back

we go back and we hang out hanging out with bill we're smoking a cigar i'm sopping wet and i didn't take dry clothes like an asshole and i got sick. Oh, by the way, we were soaked to the bone. I had a raincoat. What the fuck is in my throat here? Not smoking. I don't know. I think I have leftover pneumonia. We weren't smoking or anything like that.

Sorry, smoking. I was dry from the kneecaps down because I wore a raincoat and had the right boots on. Dude, you were standing out there like it was going to be a sunny day. You were soaked to the fucking bone. Dude, my jeans were sopping wet. Jeans. Yeah, they weighed like 40 pounds. And Bill is sitting there with a fucking, an Alaskan, an Icelandic, whatever.

He's got the whole trench coat. He's got the thing. He's totally fine. And I'm looking at him going. No, not from the knee, between my knees and my Icelandic boots. I understood your pain. Yeah, I was all of that. I was all of that.

Thank God it wasn't cold. If it was cold, I'd be in a hospital bed right now. But thank God it wasn't cold if it was cold i'd be in a hospital bed right now but thank god it wasn't cold um i don't know that wind started blowing when you got wet was a little chilly dude we get back in the sprinter and we're all sopping wet pretty much except for bill and one of the funniest things of the ride is bartnick our friend joe bartnick is in there and joey was feeling no pain and he just goes like this it was dude it made the the bus ride he goes yeah dude remember the time here's what happened

and he goes into the story and he just goes no and then uh and then he paused and then halfway through he just goes i fucked it up and dude it was, it was. Oh, yeah, just bailed. He had everybody listening. And right as I was starting to think, like, where is this going? He just goes, you know, I fucked it up. Oh, he threw the towel in. Oh, dude, he threw the towel in on himself. And we just made fun of it for a good half hour. And he was just laughing.

That bus ride was really fucking fun, man. It was really fun. It's Factor, everybody. This new year, you've got goals, and Factor is here to help you achieve each and every one of them. Save time and have the energy you need to tackle everything on your to-do list with Factor's ready-to- to eat meals delivered straight to your door get factor and not only skip the trip to the grocery store but skip the chopping the prepping the cleaning up which we all know can be uh annoying but who am i kidding my wife does it i don't cook um factors fresh never frozen meals are ready in just two minutes so all you have to do is heat

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Dude, we went to, here's my only gripe, if I'm being an asshole, and I'm not an asshole, I'm just going to say, I actually enjoyed the fucking golf course a lot more than I thought for a public course. The only thing is that course lets groups of more than four on. Dude, it looked like, at one one point it looked like a tailgate there. I just saw golf bags and like seven people on a green. There was a five,

some in front of us. We were a five, some, and there was four or six or five behind us. And it was slowing down. Oh yeah, dude. It,

we looked like the gallery at like a golf major waiting for somebody to tee off. Dude. I was, uh, how about bill going in the sand and bill go this is why i like golfing with guys like you because guys like you you just listen so bill's like what do i what do i do here in the sand just go hit an inch behind it and and he goes and then stop i go no follow through finish and then stop. I go, no, follow through, finish. And then you just went. And, dude, you had a sick out. We both broke 50 after not playing for a while. You played great. It was a lot of fun, dude.

I shot a 49. I still got the Titleist 4. Titleist 4 lives. Titleist 4 lives. 47 holes. I played with the same ball. I hit it straight, Paul. It doesn't go far, but I hit it straight.

That's the key, you know? That's the key. You just can't try to be a fucking show off what you know that lady we were golfing with who fucking hold hold out from like 50 yards away oh dude yeah she was this little short woman and she was just straight as an arrow steady eddie i kept we kept calling her steady eddie she had the hat the magic hat hat. I'm not going to lie. She was so good, I started feeling bad for her husband because she just kept getting compliments, and the husband would just smile. But part of him had to be like, yeah, dude, she's just better than me.

No, but he also, he got life. Yeah. He gets life. You can tell he's one of those guys. He's comfortable with who he is. She's better at golf. He doesn't give a fuck. She wants better at golf he doesn't give a fuck she wants to drive he doesn't give a fuck paul and you just see look on his face happy as a

clam oh whatever the fuck that means no whatever that means you can't see a clam's face i've never understood that is it because the shell looks like it's smiling and all you look that up i'm sure it's a clam here's the the thing too. While you're doing that, all you young comedians, you New York comedians, you East coast comedians going, I hate LA. It's the same thing as people that say,

I hate Vegas Vegas. I kind of get, cause it is, but you just have to do it right. LA dude, you eat good in LA. You play some golf or go to the ocean in L.A. You go see some good shows in L.A.

Go on a hike. It's amazing. Dude, it's – well, let's not get crazy. I'm just kidding. We're talking about me here. But you go to a steam. You play golf. No, dude, I got to be honest with you.

L.A., man, it's pretty fucking cool, man, if you do it right. I really think so. I mean, of course, I picked the worst weather, though. I mean, like, I've been to L.A. so many times. I've never had it be, like, East Coast. It was, like, worse than the East Coast. I was like, what the fuck? Yeah, you came out.

It's going to rain again this weekend and everything. Is this the worst time of L.A. weather of the year, like every year? Well, I mean, if you think, well, rain is bad for people in parts of the world where it rains all the time. Like, ah, fuck, it's raining. It never rains out here. So I get excited when it rains out here because it's like God knows, you know. And then I get upset when I watch hundreds of thousands of gallons, if not millions of gallons of water rushing down the L.A. river into the fucking ocean.

And then the politicians go, oh, water your lawn. You know, a few months later, it's like, why don't they? I talk about it all the time. You know, there's no money in it, Paul. There's no money in being smart. Why is it bad if water goes down the LA River into the ocean? Because you could save it and we could use it. The very, you could filter it.

You could use it for drinking water. You could use it to water your fucking lawns. I don't know. You could use it for people who like to go boating and shit. These water lines in some of these areas, like out in Utah, Nevada, and Southern California, are like a skyscraper lower. You see the water line, and there's places where people used to jump off the cliffs into the water. You can't do it anymore because now it's too long a fall. You'll die.

So some shithead is going to be like, I used to go to this quarry when I was a kid. That's going to be it. The LA River only collects 20% of the rainfall. Excuse me. Only 20% of the rainfall stays in LA. The LA River sends the other 80% out to the ocean. So yeah, like Bo's saying, it's not irrigation. I got excited that they were collecting 20% of it.

If they could just somehow, I don't know, just do the fucking right thing. Like, I don't know what they're waiting for. Everybody, you know something, Paul? It's just like during the pandemic. Everybody's going gonna do what's good for them and they just don't give a nobody gives a fuck about their fellow man they just don't everybody's just like well this is working for me so fuck you and fuck everybody else while

everybody talks about america support the troops you know fucking you know uh blah blah blah blah and all that fucking patriotic rhetoric it's's all fucking bullshit. It's all bullshit. 99% of people will fucking step over you to go get something for themselves. That's what I believe. And that's why I think that these fucking politicians won't do anything about the river because they're too busy trying to kiss the ass of the corporation so they can get the big house and the fucking smoking hot wife. That's what their focus is, Paul, over keeping this place livable, which shouldn't even be here anyways. Never should have happened, Paul.

LA never should have happened. We should have just left it alone. Never did. In that case, you might be as happy as a clam. The phrase is shortened from happy as a clam in high water because clams appreciate a higher tide. They're more protection from birds. So if you're happy as a clam.

So it's happy as a clam in high water. And then it got shortened. That makes sense. Happy as a clam. I think. And then it got shortened. That makes sense. Happy as a clam. I think it was like sometimes the shell may look like a smile. Dude, I thought that too. I thought the shell was smiling. That's hysterical.

And that's not even the thing's face. It's like the Smokey Robinson, tears of a clam, right? Okie Robinson, tears of a clam, right? People say I'm the life of the party. Billy Joel. Dude, you know how I knew you were getting good at golf? This is how you know somebody's getting better at golf for all you people that golf out there. When they putt and the putt doesn't.

Fucking just like you're putting. Your putting was when I was like, oh, dude why you're back you're better because you putt good because everything else you keep simple it's amazing Andrew you got to come and swing the wrenches with us also Paul not that hard a game it just isn't it's an activity it's a difficult activity on a good

course you know what Paul I'll give that to you it is a difficult I'll tell you that about that golf Paul that is a difficult activity on a good course. You know what, Paul? I'll give that to you. It is a difficult. I'll tell you that about that golf, Paul. That is a difficult activity. Yeah. I mean, where do you put pool and pool shooting pool? That's not a sport, right?

No, it's an activity. Bowling. Activity. Those are activities, Paul. Yeah. No, I'm at an athletic endeavor. It's the same amount of muscle memory that a woman can, like, apply her makeup while still driving a fucking stick shift after a while.

You know what I mean? It's just muscle memory. It becomes athletics, Paul, when you're competing with another human being in a physical endeavor, I would think, as far as, like and they can like try and stop you. What about Formula One or NASCAR racing? Where do you put that? Those are not sports. Yeah.

I don't think so because you're not really. pilot world as far as g forces and having to keep your blood in here and not pass out and and the physical beating that you take i feel like with the way that those formula one cars can corner at the speed that's not athletic as much as like dude if you wanted to you could have flown an f-16 and there's a very few people that can do it. So I'm tipping my cap to race car drivers. But, you know, you're driving a car. Yeah, at a crazy rate, but yeah. And I know guys who suck at sports but are really good drivers. I know a guy that, like, fucking throws like a girl girl and you get him in a fucking BMW M5

and he'll have that thing on fucking two wheels that just made me think of a guy like stop it and an F-18 damn it you saw all those fucking pilots playing volleyball in the first one you know getting all oiled up no you're right about what you said i think like holding the g-force that that actor miles teller was on a podcast and he talked to him he was doing he did a thing and they were all like dude that's nice where he was just going like like he was doing this breathing thing where like, when you're up there, you need to like get every, it was,

you got to hold the tight thing. Yeah. He's good. Yep. Do you ever see that? There's a woman who, uh, this is woman,

dude. It's fucking, she's amazing, but it's just hilarious. Cause her face is like doing this shit. And it's just like, she's, she's sitting there looking like this.

And then she's coming around. She's going, making these fucking, you know what she looked like this. And then she's coming around. She's going, making these fucking. You know what she looked like? She looked like that Rittenhouse kid when Rittenhouse was pretending to cry. Like, he looked like he was the G-forces of his lies. That was the worst fake crying I think I've ever seen in my life oh that was terrible dude oh just shaking doing that there was like no tears coming out oh my god

the g-force of his lies no man those people though man like those guys um in the movie they said too like a guy will pass out in the thing and then come out of it just fucking nuts dude to be up in the air like that no i saw a plane race where that happened they were trying to figure out what the guy did it was like he pulled too many g's he's actually not conscious that's that's why that just went into the ground oh jesus yeah so i would put race car drivers are in that world if you ever go when you go to vegas dude if you really get gain appreciation for the physical beating you take driving a race car um they they have like out there we can take like ferraris out and lamborghinis and all of that

and uh you're gonna go out there and drive like an asshole you're just gonna hit stomp on it you don't realize it's not about necessarily going fast and slamming on the brakes it's going around as smooth as you can is what's gonna get you around but dude my brain was like my body and all that and i i did five laps how fast are you going i mean top speed like a buck 40 like nothing that's still fast nothing and i'm not racing anybody i'm just driving around like an asshole i drove like an asshole in a ferrari five laps and i needed to sit down wow yeah those nascar guys go like those nascar guys are like really close to each other going like 180, right? 190?

Yeah, I know that it got ridiculously fast somewhere around the time when Bill Elliott was winning. And then they finally had to slow it down. I think it was when that guy, there was this horrific accident where he just got lifted up in the air, caught his car. He got hit. He started in the air, got underneath his car, and he went up against the fence. Dude, it was fucking terrifying. And when the guy got out of the car, he said, how many people did I kill? He thought he was convinced that he had killed people.

It was an absolute miracle. And also, that fence somehow held it. But I think at that point, they were like, listen, man. That guy was about five feet from that car. Going over that fucking fence. And into the crowd. And killing about 50 people. So we got to slow this down.

So I think they slowed him down a little bit. But there was a time. When during those Darryl Waltrip. Cale Yarborough. Harry Gant. Bill Elliott. When I used to watch it, would fucking, what's his face, Dale Earnhardt still had the yellow and blue Wrangler, I was totally into it,

I used to fucking build those models, I'd go to the Hobby Town, it's before the internet, kids, and I would, like, Cale Yarborough was my favorite was my favorite all hail kale i remember that when he won it one year and they used to go like 210 miles an hour in a fucking buick regal jesus well dude you know what i gotta give you some guy with an old cutlass right on his ass and then a guy in a monte carlo behind him harry gantt the skull bandit you said something and you were right dude you were right you said it years ago when i told you that i went to a show in um cleveland but dude air shows air shows just can't go they're the worst man that's the dumbest thing as a spectator you're right you'll never more i would say that and i would also think that isle of man motorcycle race that i want to go to,

like, you just got to make sure. I don't know where I would be. I would think the inside of a corner. Like, somebody, like, dies every year. Like, they've had more people die than years that they've done it. It's just this motorcycle race, dude. Oh, is that where they fly off the side of the road, dude? Off cliffs or just going to the side of a pharmacy that was built when Christopher Columbus needed fucking cold medicine. Jesus.

Yeah, no. I saw a horrible, horrific scene at an air show where people are in the bleachers looking up and like a World War II plane went into those bleachers, dude. And it was fucking terrifying and brutal and then this pilot just died they were doing a show and a guy in dallas they just it just cut the plane basically in half that went down in front of everybody horrible man it's like it's it's you were right about that i remember go oh me and chris porter we saw the fuck it was nuts dude i saw the plane coming and you were like don't do that i'm going like now i'm seeing all these things about it it's brutal yeah i wouldn't do that i mean if you want to if you can you can hang out near uh military bases if you can get near them depending on them you can

watch them take off and they're not doing dumb shit i've seen that a few times in like uh dude i saw one one time i mean the guy take off, and then they take off, and then they just go like this. And then they go up, yeah. I mean, and they're just like up to like fucking, I don't know what. Past commercial airspace. Like, my thing is like they must have that. You're going to do something like that.

The amount of airspace, how fast he's going to go up that you have to clear. It's insane. Yeah. Like there's a commercial plane near there. Got it. One time I was flying up near whatever that fucking military air bases. I was soloing. I was in this.

I was in an R-22, which is the egg beaters, egg beater, like this thing, analog gauges, fucking, you do an auto in that thing, you're gonna be on the ground in like three seconds, it just drops, it drops like a fucking stone, so I'm trying to transition through their airspace, and they said, all right, you know, you go behind, we got two planes, planes whatever two jets coming in and i'm looking out and all i'm seeing is one and i'm in this little thing and these things are fucking you know they're just coming in and they look like they're going like that fast and i'm like where the fuck is the other one where the fuck is the other one oh no it's with an instructor because

he goes wait watch this watch this and they flew in like this and as they came around all this one landed and the other one like covers them it's like some military thing like they were flying so close together it looked like one plane wow dude i remember i was up there with you and i'm sitting in the back with dean del rey and you're up there with the instructor and i had the fucking headset on dude and it was the first time i was ever in a helicopter so i'm hearing everything that bill the instructor is saying and the instructor's looking around dude and i'll never forget this and i know i heard it he goes yeah we got a uh go he goes we got a plane somewhere and then you go where is it or something and he goes straight

for us but it was under it was like hundreds of feet under but the way he said it was straight so i'm looking at dean and dean's fucking dazing off. Go, this is rad. You know, there's a fucking plane coming. And then you like kind of looked over like, yeah, you shouldn't be listening to like it was. It was under like you knew that I was playing one right underneath us. But, dude, we were talking to the tower and they told us we knew what altitude they were. So I just went up and he went under. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I know. I just was hearing that shit, and I was just like, you guys want to turn this off? Well, you can do that. There's a button you can hit so they don't have to listen to anything. Oh, okay. That was when we flew that bell, bell something or other up there, up to we were working up in Santa Barbara.

I got one for you. What's the Rolls Royce of helicopter? Like what's the, like, is there like a eight seat, like leather, like, do they have that up there or no? Yeah. They do. Yeah. Dual engine and they fly executives and there's a whole thing, it has to be a dual engine because the person that you're flying is um you know worth so much money to the company those would be those um i'm not good with high ends i mean they're so expensive i don't even look at them like my dream is to have like an a-star or something like that um it used to be the uh the md 500 and then i flew in one and i realized it wasn't really comfortable um

they just sort of that's a weird sort of like you're almost like leaning forward um but they're they're fun to fly um they're like a sports car but i would say the augustas and there's something else that's up there they're like i don't even know how much they are they're like north of like eight million dollars oh wow well depends on how many seats and then if you get like the dual engine, which is super safe because the odds of having a double engine failure, I don't know how that could even happen. Maybe you hit like a flock of birds or something like that Sully guy. I have no idea. But that's way beyond my pay grade.

I just like the A-star for me. But at this point, though, if I ever got one, I would upgrade the avionics to have what I have in mind where I have that traffic button where I can see where everybody is because I do the double. I don't just look at it and be like, okay, that guy's there. I look at it and then try to find him. So I feel like I'm on two levels being safe. don't just look at it and be like okay that guy's there i look at it and then try to find him so i

feel like i'm on two levels being safe but you know i have some guy who doesn't have his transponder on like a fucking asshole which always seems to happen out um point dune out in fucking malibu that's happened to me twice like there's just fucking guys all of a sudden like you're looking at your thing and it's not showing anybody. There's a guy underneath you going the other way, and it's just like. Can you yell at that guy? Can you be like, hey, buddy? I said, I said, whoever's at Point Dune, I just flew over you. I don't think you have your transponder on, and he didn't say anything.

I don't know if he was embarrassed or whatever, but he never came back up again. It was just fucking annoying because i was making radio positional calls letting people so i don't know if he was just listening somebody that's the thing paul that's the fly in the ointment this is always going to be some fucking idiot update you just hope it's not you so you just do everything that they tell you to do but like i don't know aviation's a weird thing because people can't get past the fact that you're up in the air so all they do is talk about how like not safe it is and you know these fucking kids go down the street in a goddamn scooter

wearing their street clothes no reflectors nothing with people texting while driving in the fucking rain i mean yeah give me a helicopter any day the risk of that over that that's it's fucking lunacy yeah texting and driving on the highway and or even like those fucking idiots who dress like they're in a bike race all of those fucking jerk offs with the stupid outfits that's right up there with golf the dumb golf outfits like you gotta have some obnoxious looking like you know cleats or whatever when you walk out college you're gonna be in a three stooges sketch like the bike bicycle guys are the same way it's like why are you wearing all that shit oh the worst they're the foot on sweatpants and a t-shirt

this you know stop acting like you have a time trial do they literally have like they have like the the special sunglasses oh oh dude before we're before we wrap this one up i gotta talk about this real quick so i watched that documentary about the hatch wielding hitchhiker that kai kid the fucking kid who i guess i couldn't watch it dude they're going second they started acting like he was like this higher being i'm like this guy's a fucking lunatic dude oh my that's what i'm saying they were like the guy was like there was a charismatic and we thought he was a star i heard him talk for two seconds and i'm like

i would want that guy away from me he's a a fucking nut. He was like, yeah, dude. So he came up and was hitting her. I just took the thing. I was like, yeah. And then all of a sudden, they were like, do you want to come on Jimmy Kimmel? And then he went on Jimmy Kimmel. He was a nightmare. He cursed.

He was pissing on the side of the wall. I'm like, get this kid the fuck out of here. He was an absolute asshole. Everybody around them was like, yeah. They were just hyping him up so he would watch it so they could make money off him he's just like anybody out there you know if you're standing out there and you're out there just know that you're worth something and people like what whoa what the fuck you deserve respect dude that was like literally like hacky self-help dude i watched it I go, this kid's a fucking asshole already.

I go, no. Everyone's like, we couldn't believe it, man. He was a star. This lady was like, listen, I've been on. I started keeping up with the Kardashians. I know what a reality star is. I would not pick that kid up thumbing. No.

What? Even if I had a pickup truck. Without the split window, i still wouldn't trust that fucking and out of nowhere he would go like yeah and then some fucking you know some fucking rich white dude wants one one band member was in the thing and he goes yeah they called the guy to do a show with us and at first i was like no because then i heard him play the acoustic guitar on youtube and i was like you know what all right right. He's, he's actually pretty good. He's got a good voice. And he comes in and he goes, then the guy's talking. And like, out of nowhere, he would just be like, yeah, dude, you gotta, I'll fucking go out there.

This guy tries to hurt this woman. I'll fucking kill him. You know, next thing you know, some fucking white dude fucks you in the ass and you're fucking, and they were, and he was just like, and then you got to kill him. And he was just, the guy was just like, wait, what? He goes, wait, what did you do? And he goes, and everybody goes like ha ha he goes no the guy just said like he was raped and he'll kill a guy dude it was just like the weird i'm going yeah get that kid the fuck away from me man i don't know i didn't like we we just watched the um we just watched the clip you know you put on netflix i was trying to find casino because i went to uh the barbershop you know, you put on Netflix. I was trying to find casino because I went to the barbershop,

you know, obviously to get my beard trimmed. Okay. To get my beard trimmed. And, uh, they put on fucking casino and I was just watching it. Yeah.

How beautifully it shot the foreshadowing, like where they're just showing old Vegas and all that. Then all of a sudden the flames come up and then those people are like falling and you just like, you know, beyond the old Vegas and all that, then all of a sudden the flames come up, and then those people are, like, falling, and you're just, like, you know, beyond the glitz and all that. It's all right there. Scorsese, Paul. It's beautiful.

It's all there, right? So I was assuming Casino was on Netflix, so I put it on last night, and the hatchet guy comes on, and I was just like, I was just like like this guy is dumb can can just just leave me alone yes i still have a landline all you fucking dooshes make fun of me hello oh no you know what That's a fucking... That's one like the Asian lady.

You know those spam calls? Oh, yeah, yeah. It's amazing. They're like speaking whatever their language is. You pick up the phone like, and you're just like... Why would you pick over here? Yeah, no, I didn't like that shit.

I got to see if they, like, let's just spam Chinatown or Koreatown, like where the odds, I don't know. How dumb are people that the guy would go, hey, man, I just want to say, like, everybody deserves respect, man, and if you're out there and you're down on your luck, dude, like you're worth something, man, I just want to say, like, everybody deserves respect, man. And if you're out there and you're down on your luck, dude, like, you're worth something, man. I just want to start that way. Anyway, and then people just fawn over that. That's how fucking dumb people are.

And those people that fawn over that bill, they vote. They fucking vote. They shouldn't fucking vote. No, those people are easily swayed he's a good combination paul of being dumb and growing up without love that you would listen to some moron if you're dumb too you're not gonna know he's dumb that's true that's a good point and if somebody told you to go fuck yourself your whole life all it takes is one guy going like hey man you know like humans are like daffodils if you're allowed to let your roots grow and let the breeze flow through your pedal oh wow man

and was it a red flag to anybody that he said that and then after he said that moments after he said he's like oh it's like yeah man there's something off dude you're violent you have a fucking problem then his mom was like yeah he's got mental problems like yeah he's got mental problems absolutely has mental problems yeah that hatchet's just not gonna go this isn't dexter it's just not gonna be going into the bad people i love he was like yo dude straight out of dog town you know he was like shouting himself out he didn't have an address yo straight out of dog town just skateboarding everything man so i love dude anyway dude i'll kill any fucking way oh my goodness anyway anyway it's just it's it's why i don't believe in a god that cares because he makes so many stupid fucking people that are so easily

i don't know he makes sociopaths He makes all of these fucking, like, it's designed. Like me sitting here getting upset that they're not containing the water. I just have to let go and just turn it over to God, like these religious people say. But I turn it over a different way, like, this is what you made. Because this is the amount of time that you spend making most people. He slaps them together,ul it's a assembly line i think he tried with the first batch just to get it going he's not making every once in a while he tightens the screws down with an albert einstein you know or these kids that have to skip grades, but mostly Paul,

he's making guys like you and me on down. Like we're at the, we're at the, the higher end of dumb. All right, everybody. Well, that was a episode.

That was interesting. What? He was saying, all right, well, that was, I was like, that was an interesting episode.

Both of us, Paul, I think we got to, we got SoFi fucking cough walking in that rain. Yeah, yeah. This is episode 73 of Anything Better. We'll be back with 74, obviously, next time. And that's it. Check me out, guys.

I'm going to be in Toronto. I'm going to be in Toronto January 28th. And then I'll be headlining Gotham Comedy Club. First time back in New York since my special. Gotham Comedy Club, February 2nd and 3rd, and then Valentine's Day, bring your date. I'll be with Joe Bartnick, Pittsburgh, February 14th, which is Valentine's Day.

So bring your date, and then all my new dates, guys, paulverzi.com. We're going everywhere, Bill. I'm not doing shit. Bill's off. I'm off. I don't go back out on tour until april ah nice there you go guys so check me out paulverzi.com we'll be back next time take care Thank you.