Anything Better? - I Don't Need Your Rocking Chair

Episode Date: April 10, 2021

Is there Anything Better than Bill and Paul talking about psycho cultures, desired purchases, and emotions? produced by Andrew Themeles & All Things Comedy

What's up everybody and welcome back to another amazing episode of anything better this is episode 12 or you could say episode Tom Brady, or you could say episode Jim Kelly, or you could say episode Joe Namath, or you could say, give me a 12, Bill. Give me a 12. Roger Staubach. Roger Staubach. Danny the Snake. Stabler.

There you go. Joe Ferguson. Episode 12 with my best friend, and I need him today. Okay, I'm not, listen, guys, I'm going through it. Okay, I'm going to be honest. I mean, not only did my Knicks lose to those rats in that shitty borough by a shot, Gonzaga comes a game short of wire to wire, which I wanted. My cat is in bad shape. Okay. I'm giving the kid

medicine. I'm doing everything I can to keep this kid alive. It's not looking good. The kids are upset. I'm upset. And, you know, but is there anything better than feeling down and staring at the screen and seeing the face of your friend who's 3,000 miles away. I need a hug. And I feel I'm really sorry to hear about your cat. And selfishly, I wish your cat was in better health so I could trash you for picking Gonzaga. Oh, listen, dude, I gotta tell you something. It was going to be so hard if they want for me to congratulate you. It was going to be really difficult. You didn't watch college hoop all year, and then you go, I'm going to pick the 26-0 team.

And you're going, wire to wire, man. I picked it. I got to be honest. I bet 50 bucks. Paul, I can see it on your face. Paul, you wanted to be right. This is how funny Paul Verzizius oh who by the way absolutely destroyed oklahoma oh dude oh yeah they should put a memorial outside the club

how hard i heard i heard about it um like when you like what i love about you you have how when Paul says something, how bad he wants it to be right. Yeah. And he wants to be first. He wants people to know that he said it. Yep. And then after it comes true, we all have to look at him as though he's clairvoyant. That's how it goes.

He watched Robinson Cano one at bat. Probably three pitches in. He looks to the guy next to him and goes, this guy's going to be a Hall of Famer. This guy's going to be a Hall of Famer. To this day, nobody knows what Paul saw

in that one at bat. To predict it. And he was on his way till he went to dirty Seattle. The grunge capital of the world and they got him all dirty. We'll leave that alone. Yeah, Bill, I'm already having a – All right, we'll leave that alone.

And not only that, then he gets to – No, here's what happened. I'm cruising down the highway in a race. You know, I'm in, like, that race. And what's the race with Ferrari versus Ford? Oh, that was 24-hour Le Mans. Le Mans, yeah. So I'm driving.

I got the car. I think I'm going to beat Ferrari. Gonzaga passes Michigan. Our bet is done. Now I say wire to wire. The car's in my rearview mirror going, oh, my God. I'm 40 minutes away, and then a fucking tire blew out we spun around everybody went i went to a formula one race with paul verzi in montreal knew nothing

about the sport nothing absolutely nothing zero i tell him him, what's his face? Lewis Hamilton is the Jordan of the sport. The guy is totally dominating. He's won, like, at that point he had won, like, I don't know, three of the last four or something like that. So Paul's like, okay. He's like, listen to fucking whatever. He's like 20 laps into the fucking race.

There's like 70 laps. Paul's about fucking, fucking you know 20 drinks in and he just looks over at me and he just goes i mean i mean as lewis wow goes flying by in first place he just looks at me and he goes i mean i mean all this kid does is wait you started talking like you knew all about it so yeah gaga comes in into March Madness undefeated Paul can't lay off a favorite I always go I love an underdog all right I was born with orange hair I just root for people that went on like this Ferzi likes an easy life down here in a golf cart cigar lit ice cold fucking dude i was in my green room by the way all the things all the things you're saying is i i gotta you know you're you're right

uh i love a favorite i'm i'm in the green room of oklahoma guy slippers yeah as i get older yeah um i so he's not i'm not done paul he's sending me text he watches the first game of march madness i should read the text he goes bill this is the greatest college basketball team i have ever seen you don don't understand. They have three NBA players on it. They're unselfish. They're passing the ball. I've never seen a team like this. And I'm thinking like, holy shit, Paul knows who, I got to watch him. I didn't watch him until they played UCLA and I'm watching them and I'm going like, yeah, they were really good. That one guy, who's the one guy there? Well, in all fairness though, like Charles Barkley,

Kenny the Jetsmith were like, dude, it's going to take a lot to beat a team this unselfish. You saw a game where they didn't play. Like, I thought UCLA, they rushed shots. I felt like they were nervous. Why don't you give UCLA credit for making it to the Final Four and the competition got stiffer? Well, UCLA's an 11, though.

UCLA was an 11 seed. So what? They – fucking Gonzaga plays in the whack. Who they playing? Yeah, I'll tell you what. I don't know who they play. Who they playing? I don't even know.

I don't even know. All I know is they – I don't even know who's in the fucking whack. But don't they play out of the conference too though they play out of conference has to play carolina caroline's gotta play duke they got fucking nc state waiting there to upset them i mean that's like duran leonard and haggler every fucking year they're dealing with who the fuck are you dealing with in the whack i mean i'm telling you baylor nobody baylor beat him up, man. I mean, Baylor kicked it.

You saw that coming. They had three, I'll tell you something. They had three guys on that team look like fucking Larry Johnson. And I had already lost my Michigan bet. So I said, fuck this. I got to try to win some of this money back. And I got to give a shout out to Metta World Peace. For all you sports gamblers out there, I'm going to give you a little tip.

All right? I just realized my microphone's not plugged in here. Is that all right? I'm just a lot of shit. I'll give you a little tip. He said when Metta World Peace was looking at the matchup, he was saying how they're both great teams and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And he said, I feel like Baylor is the hip hop team

and Gonzaga is the rock team. And that is black guy code for you do not want to put your money on these white boys because Larry Johnson is showing up and shutting this shit down. So I was like, OK, I hear what you're saying the politically correct way you just said that shit i heard it i put 50 bucks on it and am i wrong baylor came out and just that fucking game you know what was crazy about that get over here gonzaga which i thought were going to be devastated like there was one or two kids crying,

but their stars who went undefeated all year, double-digit wins, they walked off like, dude, we just got beat. Like they – there wasn't crying. They hugged the coach. I saw a lot of crying, Paul. But not from the main guys. It looked like Oprah was giving out cars, Paul, at the end of that game. There was a lot of crying.

I'm not saying they shouldn't have cried. Dude, I don't know. And you don't go undefeated. And you don't go undefeated. You don't go undefeated. Crying and shit. He's crying every year in that thing. That's why it's one of the great sporting events out there.

And it was a great game. And as much as they were fucking dominating they really couldn't like you know they came gonzaga came back made it a 10 point game um but it was just yeah that was that was a a dominant dominant i'm not gonna lie paul i was dying laughing at your text during the fucking game where paul you like charlie brown you just you're just trying to kick that you cannot lay off what what do you have for a guy who likes an easy life okay who i've learned so much on how to live how to put my feet up and for fuck's sakes relax

a little bit but i do work hard let's not let's i work i'm a hard worker i know you are i know no no i'm not saying i don't work hard paul yeah i'm not a coin for a guy that likes to cut corners that's how i took it no no no hey paul put your chain back in there there's nothing going on here just relax i'm saying i'm a little emotional i'm sorry what do you have against getting points you start every game 10 miles down the fucking road down you're giving 10 points paul verzi will give a team 17 points any day of the fucking week any day of the week dude they're a three-headed monster oh you cannot shut down this fucking offense i've made so much money off of you paul. It's so annoying. What's annoying. This

is what really annoys me. What really annoys me is that I, I beat your prediction with Michigan and you still found a way to take money from me with Baylor. It was, I didn't watch anything all year, dude. I didn't watch anything all year. And I can guarantee you, I would not have picked Baylor. I would not because, because they're baylor and they had never won it before yeah it was a weird year where like you know a lot of the bigger programs like kentucky duke were not factors and um you know i watched a couple of tennessee games for whatever they had some kid on there that i was really throwing it down i was enjoying watching him but um yeah i didn't watch anything so I just picked Michigan because you know back

in the day I had my grandparents lived out there you know so I just yeah grew up watching Michigan you know it was it was fun I was in the green room of Oklahoma City between shows and when the kid hit the game winner at the end of uh thing I jumped up off the thing I slapped the wall I run around the feature and the host they were laughing and then I woke up for the thing. I slapped the wall. I run around the feature and the host, they were laughing. And then I woke up for the national championship. I texted you, I said, game day, it's title day. We're going to come wire to wire. We're going to complete this thing. And, uh, and then I was watching the end of the Knicks lose by a shot. Listen, this is how it started. You'll love this. shot listen this is how it started you'll love this the end of the knicks game in brooklyn the knicks lose by a shot and walk off and there's a hatred there and oh dude did you see uh brooklyn against the nets by one shot that's why i was late to the national championship i met a comedian last

night who's a brooklyn net fan I was like, how? Oh yeah. Well, if listen, if he was, when they were in that, he said that where they built the Barclays center, there was some place there that his mother used to work there. And I said,

listen, Oh, Oh, really? If they built some fucking stadium where, where, where my mom used to work. My father drove there.

My father drove past a steakhouse there once get the fuck out of here there was a month we gotta have him on so he can defend himself there was a bakery there what anyway listen listen did you see uh julius randall's son the knicks julius randall his son his son is like your daughter's, and he's walking by after the loss because he's at every game, and he's just his dad is his hero, and he's always with him and stuff. He brought him to All-Star Week, and you have fun. His son was crying after the Nets beat him by a shot,

and they're walking through, and they see a poster of the Nets because they were at the Barclays, and he's just going, I don't like those guys. He was just pointing to them. It was the greatest. But I'm late to the national championship game. I'm late to Gonzaga-Baylor because I wanted to see if the Knicks pulled it off at the Barclays Center. That is a true fan, people.

Yes. Right there. So I leave the Knicks in devastation. Me and Lucas leave the Knicks because we just lost. Turn on Gonzaga Baylor was nine nothing. And Lucas just looked at me and I got early. And then the night just went to shit. Yeah, man. But I woke up talking some shit, man. I thought it was going to happen and and then bill goes all right dude i got 50 on it and i'm going i'm gonna go wire to wire and take 50 off he already owes me a steak from michigan and you just took the steak back you just took the steak back well it's just too easy it was too i saw how they were i just looked i'm like they're gonna manhandle this fucking team. And I could tell by the way they played UCLA. I think, I don't know.

I just felt like, I mean, dude, I'm not trying to take it away. But I mean, that last second shot, I mean, he threw it up. Nobody shoots a 70-foot bank shot, whatever the fuck he threw up. Oh, no, no. Yeah, of course. No, that's definitely, that's definitely. But, dude. Then you look at, like, maybe they're a team of destiny because dude

i'll tell you they had like well every undefeated team gets guys on that fucking team on gonzaga i don't know their fucking names but like uh um the kid with the handlebars timmy no oh uh sugs sugs and then the other guy begins with an I or something like that. Oh, Kessbert maybe? I forget what his name was, but they just were fucking just daggers. You just give them the ball, they put it up, and it fucking went in. But, like, I'm telling you, I can't take credit for the pick. I was thinking about doing it, and I saw a meta world peace and when he said

this is the hip-hop team this is the rock and roll team I was like all right I know what this guy say that was uh Leslie Nielsen and naked gun remember Leslie Nielsen and naked gun talking about boxing he goes all I know about boxing he goes always bet on the black guy He goes, all I know about boxing is always bet on the black guy. And the thing about Gonzaga was they weren't necessarily like a fucking white team either. No, no. It's just, you know. Well, you said Larry Johnson factor.

You said something, though. You go a team of destiny because every undefeated team has that test. Every undefeated. You got the 07 Patriots regular season. I'm talking your big test was when, and I thought, I don't know how you won the game, but you guys were playing the Ravens that year. And I think it was like week 13. You guys were playing the Ravens. November. Yeah. That was a tough game. I remember that.

And I'm going, oh shit, they're gonna. And then you guys ended up doing something and I'm going, oh shit, they're going to. So when, when Gonzaga pulled that off I'm going, oh, shit, they're going to. And then you guys ended up doing something. And I'm going, oh, shit, they're going to. So when Gonzaga pulled that off, I go, oh. The greatest thing that could have happened is we could have lost. If we lost to the Ravens. Or lost to you guys. The final game of the season. That was another one.

You came to me and you were like, Bill, this is the greatest. I went to the game. And I kept going, Paul, our defense stinks. Once you get past our front four, you were like one-on-one with Junior Seau, rest his soul. He was at the end of his career. We had a lot of leaks in the dam. And then not to mention, you guys put up 30-something points.

Like, if I wasn't a Patriots fan, I would have buried the Giants. It was ridiculous. It was like we were 14-point favorites. We had just beaten you by two or three points a month earlier, and the score was like, whatever, 35-32 or something crazy like that. You guys were scoring at will. We only won because we had the ball last. And then a month later, somehow we're 14 point favorites. And that's because, Paul,

you see all these mouth fucking breathing morons who can't get themselves to wear a mask during all of this, who would rather listen to their friends than a fucking doctor. Those are the same morons that bet on a Super Bowl. And they just go, Patriots undefeated. I'll give you 14 points. So they had to make the line that big to get money on both sides of the ball just in case so they wouldn't fight. I don't get how the math works on that, but they want money on both sides of the ball so they never take a giant fucking loss. But I'm thinking like, well, you still lose, right? But I think it's all those other stupid bets like the Gatorade and all of that. I don't know. You know what, right? But I think it's all those other stupid bets, like the Gatorade and all of that. I don't know.

You know what, man? If you look at history throughout sports, going undefeated and going wire to wire, it's so few. It's like five college programs. It's the, what is it, the Miami Dolphins in 70s? Well, especially now. Yeah. Like when the Dolphins did it back then, as hard as it was back then,

they didn't have to deal with social media, somebody saying something fucking stupid on the internet. Yeah, less games too. Yeah, yeah. You beat up your wife. It was her word against yours back then. I'm kidding. There was – It was. you beat up your wife it was her word against yours back then okay um there was there was it was there wasn't there wasn't the distractions and there wasn't like three or four fucking um

i got a tube right here there wasn't like three or four like 24 hour well espn all day are they gonna do it are they gonna do it are they gonna do you're just listening to that shit going like are we gonna do it yeah the access that the media and by the way the media also had there was a line they wouldn't cross then it was like a different um was sort of a different thing like I I felt you know in a lot of ways, the Patriots with these stupid scandals were victims of the 24 hour sports news cycle where they just have to keep it like there's like nothing there. Deflating, nothing there. ESPN does a study that that actually shows it's a disadvantage for the ball. They took that shit down. These pats fans all grabbed it and put it on youtube it was hilarious they took it down so they could sit there is that why they're so good

yeah i mean that was look at tom this goes to tampa bay i still can't believe it it's it's unbelievable still still wins that's why i was so psyched about that one because it's like now what are you going to say? And you know what? They didn't say a fucking thing. Cause they couldn't, you know, our friend, I have to look up now.

I got to look up a fucking saying, why do they say the proofs in the pudding? I'm so sick of saying expressions and not knowing what, you know, using words. What we want to do a guess here, Paul proofs in the pudding. The proof is in the pudding the proof is in the pudding somebody

actually no somebody told me at once oh fuck i forgot it's uh my god i think it's you can talk all the shit you want you know but after i taste whatever you're making whatever you fucking bring it and whatever you're talking about i will know whether it's true or not. Well, you told me the expression means that the best way to find out if something is good or successful is to test it yourself. Okay. The proof's in the pudding.

What was the shit versus Shinola? What is that one? Oh, you don't know shit from shinola shinola was a shoe polish so it basically meant you're so stupid you wouldn't know if you were polishing your shoes with with shit or with polish or shit and it's such a great one because it's got that great alliteration guy Guy doesn't know shit from Shainola. Shainola, I also think, is a town in Michigan. And so they just named it that, I think.

I'm not sure. Shit from Shainola. Another one of my dad's favorite ones. Christ, that guy could fuck up a free lunch. That is, that's one of my favorites. Fuck up a free lunch is, it when you that's one of my favorites but fuck up a free lunch is it's that's fantastic i like you know what's funny is i know two people off the top of my head all right and i've never said it to him he always says it to him he this guy calls me up and he and he basically he goes oh I pulled another so-and-so.

He says his name. And he's telling me the story. And I'm just thinking, how can this go wrong? And he goes, you know me, Bill. If there's a way to stick my foot in my fucking mouth, I'm going to do it. I never thought to say, like, yeah, dude, you're one of those guys. You could fuck up a free lunch. I just love a free, like, where fuck up a free lunch i just love a free

like who where is there a free lunch that's just so it's uh yeah i know a couple guys but i would i'll never say it but i know a couple guys that can fuck up a free lunch uh that's one of those things as a man you have to say it you can't say it about so you have to say it to him when i met your dad the one thing that made me laugh is your dad has a thing that i do where he goes as a matter of factly with passion so even if it's not a fact he goes see i have it's he goes as a matter of factly like i do which i don't know why but when your dad showed me that musket he had and he goes you know paul you see this is in better than exceptional shape better than that right there don't you see is in better than exceptional shape. That right there, don't you see, is in better than exceptional condition.

It was because he was so proud of how good of the condition it was that he went above what exceptional is. He was loving that you were looking at all of this stuff. Like, yeah, my parents have enough fucking antiques to start three different they could start a chain of antique stores in his defense that musket was in good shape it was better than except i can take that off the wall and fucking kill you with it right now hasn't been fired since the 1700s oh oh man so here's my dilemma i want to just talk about it on the show a lot of people i want to thank everybody so many people actually reached out about what was going on with my cat

like more than i i didn't realize how many that's why that documentary on netflix don't fuck with cats the guy that ended up murdering cats but then somebody online saw it and said he's going to kill somebody and he actually became became he killed somebody. You have these backgrounds, Paul, because he's fucking lunatics. You have one fucking toothpick in the background. They can figure out where you live. I don't I don't know if I was ripped off or not, and I'm going to find out. But what happened was last time I was on the phone with you guys, cat, we dumped about $700-$800 on him

With tests and everything And I go to Oklahoma City, I come back Cat's not in good shape They say you want to do x-rays Come to find out he's not breathing So, right, he's had fluid here His chest No leukemia, white blood cells, good

What's going on with him? Why is he miserable? There's fluid here So I go, you want to drain the fluid It's going on with them why is he miserable there's fluid here so i go you want to drain the fluid it's going to cost another fucking 800 bucks we're going to give medicine but he should bounce back so i did that and he's just he's still he's like when with a cat when it's time they go on a steroid and they either bounce back or it's a wrap you throw your hands up you did everything you could my dilemma is if this fucking guy took my last seven, $800, and listen, I don't care about the money.

I'll do whatever to make the cat better. But if the guy took it knowing, that's my dilemma. So now I need to look this guy in the face and go, did you know? Did you take the last few, did you take the last couple of hundred because you're a scumbag? Because there's a little car salesman to this vet. but he might also be doing it because it makes you feel better

knowing that you did everything you could so later on you know when he goes out and he buys himself a four-wheeler he knows you know what i think by there's- By the way, dude. By the way. Yeah. I was so- I had a lesson, flight lesson. So I had to go meet my instructor way out in Oxnard. So I was soloing out there. I forgot my pilot's- Uh-oh. right you're still there i lose you i got you you froze up for a second there

okay all right you want me to start over no you said you were going you were doing a solo okay um yeah so i left my license in the car, so I had to go back and get it. So the helicopter that I rent, like I take it out on like a, it's on like a pad and I got to tow it out with the four wheeler. So I wasn't going to tow the whole thing back.

So I unhooked it. It's the first time I rode a four wheeler with like nothing behind it. How much did you love it? Oh, dude. Oh, dude. I'm screaming no oh oh yeah about them i i don't i don't i don't understand how to shift it smoothly because this

thing has no clutch it's like the exhaust is is is uh the throttle is your thumb and then you back off and you're listening to the engine and then then, you know, I always try to move, move it up and it doesn't go. And then it goes, but I lose all my momentum. It's weird. My wife just gave me the permission. My wife just gave me permission to get one. So we're getting one. Cause I needed permission as a, as a grown man for my wife, I needed to say, can I have this? Like I used to with my mother going to the store. say can i have this like i used to with my mother going to the store i'm wearing i'm right now i'm trying to get my wife to win and in defense of her of her is something i completely don't need but would make me so fucking happy so fucking happy so i've always been a truck guy all right when I was a kid I had the Tonka trucks I just

love trucks get the truck get the truck get the truck let me finish Paul okay I'm sorry well you just literally said I gotta ask your permission Like I'm talking to my mom. I'm in the same boat as you. Mary guys are just like, just fucking do it. Like they're doing it. You just told me you're not doing it. You know what I'm doing here. You know what I'm up against. I think you said get the truck like 19.

Get the truck. Get the truck. Throw the damn towel. truck throw the damn towel um anyway oh yeah people all right oh look who it is everybody no more sweaty balls do do do do beyond these beyondies you can wear them in the fall stick some leaves up your ass sorry uh hi friends me undies believes that comfort is about more than than what's touching your skin it's about feeling comfortable in your skin you're a total badass and what you wear should

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dude there was so many great guy jobs that you get health insurance and you could have a stay-at-home wife if you wanted to we're like you could be a milkman the the diaper man, the milkman, and you just drove this big badass truck and you dropped off milk and you picked up the empties. You were mentally ready to do that job in third grade. Your feet just couldn't reach the pedals. I mean, you want to talk about just no fucking stress. And you're making enough money to have a house with a wife and kids. And everybody had three, four kids back then. This is, you know, before inflation or whatever the fuck happened. So I always loved those things. And when in the eighties,

um, I love when, when the Ford got, they, some reason they call them the bull nose. No, now the front end. And there was a, uh, it was a kid at my high school. He had a green Ford F-250, and he used to go four-wheeling. He would come in, and it would be covered with mud, and the windshield from the windshield wipers would be clear, and there'd be dry mud around it in the shape of the fucking windshield. And I just thought it was the baddest fucking—and I had a little 83 Ford Ranger two-wheel drive stick shift. Like, my truck wanted to grow up be that so i've always wanted an f-250 so the other night you know i've been sober so i've been kind of dealing with a lot of shit so like you know the fog was coming in i was feeling i was like let me just look at some happy shit get myself in a good mood so i went on to Ford's website and I built the 2021 Ford f250 of my dreams oh and I

cannot stop looking at it and I got the regular cab dude fuck the extra cats the problem I'm having because I can't put anybody else in there other than another adult so it's the Ford F250 four-wheel drive with the turbo diesel regular cab in velocity blue with the chrome front end, stock wheels, stock rims, stock tires. And I would keep it that way. And I'm telling my wife, I'm like, listen, buy baby that fucking thing. In 20 years, there'll be a line around the block of people that love trucks from this era that are going to want to buy especially because the electric ones are coming to have that and yeah so nothing will like hold its fucking value because dude i saw a thing i was talking about on my podcast i saw this tesla like a fucking uh the suv one we got the kids in the back and a

fucking couple of bicycles and shit and luggage one of those things went up against this italian what was it alfa romeo i think it was or yeah yeah yeah dude they're racing okay not only does the tesla start pulling ahead right as it pulls ahead you see it's pulling a trailer and it's pulling the same kind of car that it's racing and it's still beating it. Oh no, that's so fast. I'm in the market for one, actually. I don't know if I'm going to go Tesla, but I think, you know, I'm going to, you know, my 13 Lexus is got 135 on it and I'm not going to dump in another two grand for brakes and all that. I'm going to trade it in. A beautiful. Dude, you had me at Chrome Grill.

You know me. I'm all about the nose of a car. I showed you a picture of that truck, dude. That truck. And here's the thing. It's completely fucking ridiculous. Dude, it does so bad on gas. They don't even post it.

They don't even post it. I will keep these fucking wars going personally for another six weeks just me alone just to but i gotta tell you i cannot stop looking at that fucking thing and i just think like there's no place i could park it out here i would get killed in gas but in between those moments, when I wasn't trying to park it or get it gas, I would be grinning like the fucking Joker. Yeah, but you would take such good care of it and probably keep it away.

You wouldn't need much gas. Just going in town a couple times, you're not going to drive the thing a lot. Andrew, you know what to call this right here? This is what you call a true friend. Well, yeah, you're not going to drive it thing a lot so you know what this you don't call this right here this is what you call a true friend well yeah you're not going to drive it a lot yeah you don't want to get involved the insurance those fucking guys that's why me and my wife are different but work because you know she's upset about the cat too, so she's just working through it. My wife has that Scandinavian, she's that Scandinavian German Irish-

That's a psycho blood like me. Yeah, she said- Don't address, you're dealing with the emotion. She goes, I'm not in denial, but I'm just not dealing with it. And she's working. Where I go in- What is that? Yeah, she just is like like she knows what it is but just plows through and when it comes to the I just hold my nose cannonball into the emotional pool and I just splash and I just I just I'm just one of those I realized like that's why it hit me

I was one of those kids where like when a girl held my hand in elementary school i'd start planning our family that's who the fuck i like i'm just one of those like if you just like touch my back and and tell me i'm okay i'm just fucking head over like that's and that's why i was more sentimental you german irish scandinavian there Motherfuckers. I don't know what it is with you guys, but there's some sort of like, it's not a coldness, but there's a block. Do you know what I mean? I'll tell you what it is. I can tell you exactly what it is.

If you could do 23 and me, they could get back to the one asshole dad that started all of this shit in northern europe yeah i don't know what happened if it was the weather and he's wearing a woolly mammoth fucking onesie and he was itchy and just in a bad had a bad fucking life and he's just like it's gonna snow out fucking get used to it shut the fuck up it was that where you guys were down near the mediterranean yeah yeah i can believe you want you know when you really look at like uh so many inventions in northern europe were to destroy people and a lot of inventions it is is to enjoy life more like that's probably not true if you really looked it up but I just mean

and and and all of this shit up there but like fucking down where you guys are it's it's like um it's that's one of my that's why I like going to that part of Europe I laugh when I go to when I go through Ireland and Scotland and England I see so many of my friends and people that I grew up with just the European version of them and I'm just dying laughing and the cycle has not been broken

and they're the funniest fucking bastards you're ever going to meet but they're also they're burying this pain it's it's that like you said before with the german that engineer mind that even when when i performed in germany when we were in europe and you would do a joke they would go like this and then they would go yeah they had it in a wind tunnel trying to see how efficient it was yeah and it's like that's the brain like i dude brett ernst brett ernst i was in florida i performed at the west palm

improv and brett ernst at 11 30 goes come to my house come meet my mother come to my house we're gonna go out brett's fucking i mean brett is so uh so i go to his house and i never met his mother before and he opens the door he goes to my mother I swear to god she just goes oh my god how you doing sweetheart come here like hug you would have thought that I'd known this woman for 35 years it was a hug it was you see next time you come you stay here I mean I met this woman five seconds I noticed her with my wife's family you know why that is because Brett doesn't bring somebody by to meet his mother unless they're okay. That's what it was. You guys have that mob. This guy's, this guy's, guy's all right. He's all right. So he comes in. Oh my God, you're

with my son? Yeah. No, my wife's family does this thing where when they greet, it's like, oh, I hope she doesn't hear this. Okay. No, but she does this thing where when they greet, it's like, I hope she doesn't hear this. Okay. No, but she does this thing where she goes like, where they go like, oh, hey, yeah, what's going on? And then they'll start talking. And then, oh, hey, how are you? Like, my family is like, oh, my, Andrew, right? Like, I'm sure you do. It's like, how are you doing? Get over here. What are you nuts? Yeah, you need something to drink? You want to get something to eat? Dude, the first time I went to an Italian's house, I got embarrassed. I just like they're they're showing me too much attention i was just waiting to get slugged or something dude you go to a german guy's house or an irish guy's house the first

you're gonna see his dad's gonna be in his underwear and you're gonna see his back reaching for a mug or something hey it's my friend paul he's just seeing like oh yeah yeah You just see like, oh, yeah, yeah. It's like, yeah, man, there's like this lack of, you know. What are you knuckleheads getting into today? That's like that. Dude, I used to caddy for an all Jewish golf course with some bad athletes. I used to caddy for an all-Jewish golf course. That's funny.

I did too. Did you? Really? I did. I remember this guy, Julian. He was terrible. The guy I was playing with was good. Yeah.

Julian was terrible, and he used to do the dress like you're in the Three Stooges with the fucking thing. Yeah. I remember my brother was caddying for him, and he had the worst day because this fucking guy he was nothing but in in the drink he's in the woods i remember dude he was fucking going like this the water is this way and he goes oh the fucking thing goes right in the water he just goes he's like oh julian you basket cases it's going like that we were we were fucking crying i i caddied for this guy mr palmer and anytime he would hit it bad oh my back dude it was it was one of the funniest things then there was this old guy who was senile so he was swinging at mushrooms and shit not balls because he didn't know he just looked down

but dude i gotta tell you old jewish men they kind of have that not coldness that the German Irish have, but like we were talking about, that was when me and you kind of first met and I was afraid to fly and the older Jewish guys, I, when they would talk and he would go, Oh, you're getting into comedy, huh? And I go, yeah, man, I'm just starting out, dude. You know, the, you know, he's like, how's it going? I was like, you know, it's rough. He goes, Oh yeah. But when you make it in that you're rolling in it. Right. And then he goes like this and then he goes like how's it going i was like you know it's rough he goes oh yeah but when you make it in that you're rolling in it right then he goes like this and then he goes then he goes like this i'll never forget i go yeah you know it's like a lot of flying i don't like to fly he goes listen it was just the most jewish he go hey you got to get on the plane i mean you just got to go and you got

to get on what do he goes what and then yeah like he did it so matter of fact he goes like i mean what are you going to do you're not going to get I mean, you got to get on. You got to you just got to get on. And it was just such a. So I wish guys are one of my best buddies, his dad. And they were they were super warm. My experience, they were super warm. I remember I went to his his college graduation. And it was a Jewish college predominantly. And, you know, I'm sitting there, you know, Gentile.

I thought it was going to be I was going to feel like a fucking, you know, third wheel. Like, what's the Jesus guy doing here, you know? Exact opposite. He couldn't have been like, he was such a fucking cool guy. I actually got a chance to say goodbye before he passed. And I remember he was laying in bed and he had his eyes closed. And I came in. I was like, Mr. So-and-so, it's Bill Burr.

Are you awake? And he goes, he just had his eyes closed. He goes, Bill Burr, big star. Does that thing, right? What are you doing coming to see me? And I just started laughing. And all he did was ask me about my life i just started seeing nia and he was just going like he's like you like her i go yeah he

goes that's good he's sitting on this whole thing and then he started giving me tips on how to romance nia it was hilarious And he had that Boston accent. He goes, you got to charm them. Never forget that. And we had this great conversation. I got to thank him for how nice he had been to me at my buddy's graduation. And then it got quiet.

He just drifted off into sleep. I didn't really say goodbye, but I got a chance to talk to him. Very non-German know german irish thing got a chance to say goodbye because i made that mistake with one of my friends that died i didn't go to the funeral because i didn't want to see him because you know some of my friends have died my one of my when i think about him i there's a part of me that thinks about them when they're fucking laying there in a casket. I don't know why they do that to you.

So I didn't want to go because I didn't want to have that feeling. It was Geraldo. So I didn't go to Geraldo's funeral because I was like, I don't want to see this guy laying in a fucking box. I just don't want to see it. And then it was this weird thing where for like a year and a half, I didn't feel like he was dead. It just felt like he was on the road and I wasn't. It took longer.

So I was like, all right, that was the wrong way to go about this type of thing. So dude, I got a funny one for you. The fucking, as far as like Italians being emotional and being all about family, my wife watches The Real Housewife and I hate to say I'm kind of getting into it now. The New Jersey ones, right?

And it's a new, anyway classic italian guy just fucking jacked with the toothpick legs right he does squats you know every fourth time he goes you know but he always hits this shit right so he's fucking jacked and they were showing all the drama that they've had with this one guy and at one point he was yelling at his dad he was like crying and he was yelling at his dad because his dad had somehow sided with somebody else and he was screaming his voice was all big yeah you're my father dude I was crying oh and his father father's just patiently listening to him, letting him go through the emotions, not giving him shit about the F-bomb. He might not have said fucking,

but his voice was like, it sounded like a train whistle. Everybody's just rubbing him, going, just calm down. He got it all out of him. And I'm watching going like that is not what a lot of people where i from do they do that more like he was letting out like you you broke my heart to do this you should be sliding with us he was he was getting to the meat of why he was upset where uh you know you know how we do it we'd just be like how's it going he's good i'm just you know one day i'm waiting for my fucking opportunity yeah one of these days when he's not fucking ready

dude i felt like fucking clocking him like that's yeah that was everybody that i knew growing up i wish the one thing about me though is for some reason i don't have that burst out crying thing. Like I had that thing, too. You know, you drink a lot. Just throw up and feel good. I wouldn't throw up. And for two days, that poison. I just don't have that. I wish I could go in the shower, have a good cry, walk out and feel good. I just take the the fucking thing, you know, right in the shower is the way to go because no one can catch you because there's water already pouring on your face.

They can't see it's coming out of your eyes. And then also if your eyes are, I got some shampoo. I can't say shampoo for me. I got some face cleanser in my eye. Dude, I caught my dad crying once. I rarely, never. My dad never.

At my grandmother's funeral, I saw him get a little emotional. My whole life, my father just never cried. And one time, we were sitting in his bedroom. He's laying on the bed. I'm sitting on the floor in front of his bed and we're watching Rudy, the movie Rudy. And I swear to God, at the end of the movie, my dad just looked at me and I saw like a little like water. He goes and his voice cracked. He goes, that was a good movie. He's like, hard work, hard work. And dude, it was, you know, and then he's just like, no, you know, he would always deny it.

But seeing a guy like that crying, dude, with the voice crack. It's like when Ric Flair, I inherited. And he started like, you know, that like that little, you know. Oh, the best Ric Flair one is the one where they asked him, what are you thinking in this photo? And it was the last time he was going to wrestle in Japan. And you just saw how much he cared. And he started crying and tried to smile his way through it he's like doing that shit oh dude Lawrence Taylor had one of the manliest

cries like he even in emotion that man was like they go uh after he got like arrested for the third time and the young girl and they just go, Lawrence, your your son said your kid said there's nobody in the world they would rather have as their father than Lawrence Taylor. And he just goes, damn, he he he watered up. Do you got to watch it? He got like he got happy. But like that's what kills guys. Crying is such a great emotion because it gets out pain. We just fucking hold on to it. It sits on our chest and then we're fucking out there in a golf course and you're just fucking header.

It's over. Yeah, it's really. Mike Tyson. Mike Tyson's another one. He manly cries. Oh, yeah? The last thing you want to do is, I'm not going to bring up a name, but you just don't want to make those bitchy fucking,

it's just not allowed. Dude, like, listen to the copy that I'm, here at the end of this thing, this whole fucking shit, this medicine for erectile dysfunction, the fucking shame that guys have, like, if there's anything wrong, especially your fucking dick. You know, I don't know, for as much as all these women are bitching, it's just like, at there's anything wrong, especially your fucking dick, you know, I don't know,

for as much as all these women are bitching, it's just like, at least you can get it out. I think it's because your dick finally gives up after it's not touched enough. Well, you know, if it was the other way around, they would blame us. Your dick's just throwing away.

You're not paying attention to me enough. I'm all dried up. Your dick just throws its hands up like I. Use it or lose it, right? Oh, boy. no you get married he's like the guy who left a big band because he thought he could go solo and it doesn't work out he's back to playing clubs oh man the sad state of affairs i can't wait for you to get that truck and i get the four-wheeler and we both take pictures on it like this and post it on this podcast.

I'm going to be sitting in your truck. All I want to do, dude, is just drive that thing down a windy, quiet road with nobody on it. That's all I want to fucking do. Listening to like, was it George Jones that country fucking music is that who it is dude the saddest it's so sad it's fucking hilarious

the grand tour is one of my favorite fucking songs ever dude I was looking at cars I was looking at cars last night oh dude I'll listen to a country in a truck like that you have to Dude, I was looking at cars. I was looking at cars last night. Oh, dude, I'll listen to a country in a truck like that. You have to.

What is that? Is it the Grand Tour? I can't read it. Song titles are just, as you said, depressing. He Stopped Loving Her Today. Why, Baby, Why? I Don't Need Your Rockin' Chair. She Thinks I Still Care. Choices. Two Story House. uh i don't need your rocking chair she thinks i still care choices two-story house uh what should he do with like uh was it loretta lynn that golden ring if drinking don't kill me

yeah dude let's go to dinner it's always it's always just an easy, but no, Bill, last night I was looking at cars. From what I'm reading and all the research that I've been doing, it looks like they say five to seven years of like electric kind of being the, because I saw what Lexus is going to do electric. But dude, look at the Hyundai. Pull this up right now because I have to get this car. I'm like Hyundai prophecy. There's not a steering wheel. dude look at the hyundai pull this up right now because i have to get this car i'm not hyundai prophecy there's not a steering wheel you sit there and both sides have joysticks and it is fucking black and sleek and the back of it looks like a porsche you got to see this fucking thing you got to pull this up what i want to know is how is look at that thing look at that jesus christ look at that that's dude that's thick

dude hunday question how the fuck are porsche and them still gonna be the fastest thing out in the road like how are they gonna offer no steering wheel there's a joystick in the middle dude paul you know how to drive a joystick though can you show him the back of it andrew um yeah but uh my thing is how is porsche with with the gas combustion engine they've been light years ahead yeah dude that's fucking sick dude these are also prototype cars and they always make them look sick and then the thing comes out and it looks like a fucking toaster well that i yeah i hope so they said 2022 but uh no the uh the porsche has a new one now porsche has the taken i know but i'm saying how are they like dude my wife's tesla she got the dual engines and the dual motors.

Like, I don't think I'd want to go faster than that. What if I'm stuck in Virginia? This is a question with the range of miles, though. If you're driving to Virginia or you have something like that, where are you? You got to find the Tesla charging, you know, because here it's at like a mall that we have. But you got to have the charging things from your house you could be fucked that's what scares me about it it's like can you put gas in it in case no it's electric paul that's the what the hybrid gives you that's

the only that's the thing hybrid was was the oil company's fucking last gasp at this bullshit yeah you know what's funny dude is this is our way out of the fucking middle east because they're going to go bankrupt because we're not going to need hopefully nearly as much oil we got enough oil here and then they won't have money to fund terrorism nor were they going to want to bomb us because they're going to get back to fucking with each other and then let them solve their own shit which is what they've actually got been saying. You actually got a lot of emails on that. You said that on the Monday Morning Podcast. And they're saying that a lot of the minerals that are used for these batteries are in these places.

So they're saying perhaps it's not just the oil. There's the minerals, lithium, all that stuff. How about we fucking be okay with we need to buy it off of somebody else? Which I think most americans are rather than having the fucking 10 rich cunts at the top have to act like they care about those people and that and what they really want to do is just take over the land so they can keep it all for themselves um whatever this is the kind of podcast paul why uh why can't they go no i'm wondering why because i'm down for the electric i'm looking at it it's just i'm in that like in between listen this is the deal paul that is the problem and they will solve it okay back in

the day paul but when when cars came out the fucking guys on horses yeah what if what i want to do is cut through the fucking woods and there's no fucking road guess what they built a bunch of roads and they paved them yeah no you honestly think that you're going to be on a road trip and you have to stop for fucking two hours and charge your battery? It's not. I guarantee you they'll do some sort of thing the same way, Paul. You can charge your phone in the fucking car. They'll figure out a fucking way. They'll have a supercharger.

They'll have a fucking solar thing on top. They're going to solve all of that. And I'm going to tell tell you it is going to be a new age of the muscle car and they're gonna be faster than fucking anything dude i have to tell you dude that fucking car it's ridiculous you feel like the front end's gonna pop up it's like motorcycle fast oh dude i got nauseous in a tesla i said to my buddy i go dude can you take the cherokee i felt like i was on a roller coaster i got because there's no it just goes i was getting sick in the passenger seat that's how fast the thing was it was nuts yeah well he doesn't need i mean you can

do that in a gas combustion engine too which i did with the comic when i was in australia i was flying to go see that, driving like a fucking maniac. Oh shit, I remember at night too, we got back on the road and I was on the wrong side of the road for like a quarter of a mile. He just goes, fuck, wrong side. And I was like, oh, that's right, right? Where was I?

I was just, oh shit. How'd he get on that side? Yeah. You know what I did when I was in the city, when I was driving in like Melbourne, when I was in Australia driving? Because to try to do the math of making like a fucking, a left turn, a left turn is the sharp one. And then the long one. And I just was trying to remember how to do

it because I kept fucking it up. And I just, I just started thinking, I just kept pretending I was going to kill myself. Like, how would I kill myself is the right answer here head-on collision head-on collision hey I made it through you know me with directions how bad am I with directions dude I would have flown off the I would have looked you know what you just had to remember you just had to remember to keep the other traffic on on your side the same way we are over here where it's always there so i i i was like all right i don't want to sit here thinking about killing myself i got too much depression for that so i fucking just was like all right just keep the oncoming shit on this side and you'll be good yeah um i'd never driven

in any other country where you're on the other side of the road and i do not know if that's gonna go well with me i'm like i'll take an uber mr mcgooey you just go slow you know what i'd like to do i'd like to get one of those mopeds in italy because they all got those mopeds but the traffic there is too much like Like those guys. Yeah. Those people are fucking lunatics. There's no stopping. People go, you get hit by cars all the time. It's like they're small cars, those little Fiat's, but they just go. If you're in Europe, dude, you get as an American, they drive.

It's different. It's really different. It gets real aggressive. But it's a good sort of aggressive or whatever. I don't mind aggressive driving. I just hate I hate stupid driving. If you're aggressive and you got somewhere to go. One of the great things as I gotten older and mellowed out like I can fucking somebody's riding up on my ass. I, you know, I'd say now maybe four times out of 10, I don't break check them. I just get over. I was like, all right, this guy's got somewhere to be.

I won't do it with my kids in the car. But like, but like if I have no option, I fuck it. I kind of do that. It's like, dude, get the fuck off of me. I just do the quick. My brother, Christian, who you know, is very, you know, quiet guy, soft spoken kid, road rage like you never. I was going to say, that's the exact kind of guy you don't want to piss off.

He was driving, and a dude pissed him off. He's looking at the dude, and he starts punching his own roof. And, dude, there's knuckle marks. He almost broke his hand. When you look at the top of the car, there's knuckle marks. I go, Christian, man, you got to talk to somebody. You got to. Like, he just

started beating his car up to the point where the roof got ruined with his fist because he's a nice guy he's an empathetic guy he looks out for the people and then he makes the giant mistake of expecting that behavior in return yeah and then it gets him so angry yeah and then you combine that with childhood shit and next thing you know you got knuckle marks in the roof of your car. Oh, speaking from experience. So you're going to get the four wheel. Now, Paul, are you going to get like one of those? Like the big thing of those those four wheels, you got to make sure they don't fucking flip over and crush it. No, no. I'm not a racing guy. I'm not a race.

I'm not going to get it. Guy. And you're going to ride with other four wheelers. You're going to want to keep up. I'm going to get the utility one, like a 700 or 650, 700. I'm going to make sure that I have the gate on the nose of it to put the

plow and to do work on it. It'll have a toe in the back and I don't need it to go fast, but I'm going to just be big fucking thing. So you don't tip over. Yeah. No, they have the, uh, they have the back rack though. They have like a, so you could just store a bunch of wood on it, you know, bring the, you know, if you're going to put wood, if you're going to tow anything on it, but, uh, I'm getting it. I got clearance. So I'm getting, Oh, I'm getting it. Paulie's getting to try to get the best suspension you can get. You're probably going to get one that can carry weight or whatever like that.

But I was thinking if you're going to go fast, it'd be nice to have something that, you know, the center of gravity or whatever is not going to sit. Because didn't the guy from Dave Matthews' band die from complications of... Yeah, he was on his property, but he flipped it back over this way. So what happened was he hit, he was on like a flat field. He hit like a, like a little divot bump.

And so what happened was went down, got caught, flipped, landed on him. Ozzy Osbourne almost got killed. Ozzy Osbourne on that show when they did the Osbournes, he was in a big field and they were just flying in a field. Like that's what I'm afraid of. I'm not doing that, man. I'm going to like ride it like it's a sedan. I'm just going to, dude, I'm afraid of that.

It's so much fun, Paul. I drive like a fucking turtle, man. I don't like, I'm kind of, if I'm late, I'll drive like a maniac. But when I ran back to get my license and that thing was in four wheel drive, fourth gear, and I didn't have anything behind me. I, yeah, I was like those guys when they took out that kid's Ferrari in Ferris Bueller. I had a good time. I was there and back and nothing flat the crazy thing is when you're outside exposed like that 55 feels like 200 like when you you're flying dude like I did a uh I was on a jet ski in the Caribbean and the guy's like oh this thing maxes at like 55 and I was like, oh, this thing maxes at like 55. And I was on thing. And I just, I got it to like 52.

And I had to slow down. I had to take my, because I was fucking flying like a rocket. This is the thing too. If you fucking fall off at that speed, I mean, the water starts becoming like pavement. And you're going to hit that thing and get knocked out. And if you're face down, do they get to you before you drown if you're knocked out? Well, you got to, I mean, you're around a bay, too, and there's lifeguards. Like, I don't think I'm going to, you know, and I'm afraid, dude.

That's how I am with drugs. I don't know. I don't, dude. All right, so you fucking hit that thing, right? And then there's some shark there. Dude, it's fucking, it's going into the fucking ocean it's the stupidest thing ever would you go in the woods if there was tigers in there you wouldn't you wouldn't bob you and bobby kelly are the funniest people to talk about the ocean bobby goes dude fuck that dude i ain't going near like i don't go deep in, but I'm going to go up to my waist and catch a couple waves. I don't go all the way in the jungle.

I just go 100 yards in. Wait, so if you go to the beach, you won't go in the ocean? I don't fuck with the ocean. Dude, the fucking riptide alone, where it's sucking me back out, and I got to be like, all right, just remain calm. Which way is it taking me? Casually swim this fucking way? No, billy boogie boards no nothing no look at me look how fucking pasty i am oh look at andrew's face andrew's got surfer written all over his face go surfing andrew

no i've never surfed but i do like the ocean and i'm not i don't fear it i guess as much oh yeah no i'm not afraid of the ocean man i'm more afraid of uh i'm more afraid of the woods than i am the ocean for sure for me for sure we got into that argument i would rather these guys are sleeping in tents imagine going camping you're sleeping in a fucking tent you got bears running all around you you got animals all around you they smell your food or whatever you go in the ocean the shit is out there dude the shit you would so much rather get attacked by a lion or a tiger because they kill you they just grab you by the throat you fucking go to sleep and then you're waking up talking to god like what the fuck just happened right is that what happened there stupid ass fucking bears they could do that but that's not

what they do they just maul you to death they hold you down and just start biting fucking meat out of you that sounds horrible it's fucking horrible like dude watch him killing deers it's just like just kill the fucking thing dude they just had a komodo dragon in a grocery store did you see that there was a komodo and it wasn't a little one you got to see this and he's walking on the right dude it was it looked like a giant alligator it was a komodo dragon kill it in the grocery store and it got comfortable on a top shelf you got to see this video real quick. Look at this. Dude, and they can climb up. Yeah, dude. Are you fucking kidding me? And then he spins around and gets comfortable. It's nuts, dude. That is nuts. Oh, he's getting near the lights for the fucking heat. Dude, those things, you ever seen those things eat shit?

Dude, that looks like a baby dinosaur. Have you ever seen those things eat shit? Dude, that looks like a baby dinosaur. Have you ever seen those things eat stuff? No, I guess I didn't. They eat it alive. It's just like, dude, there is no God. There is no God. There is no God. They poison you with their,

they poison you with their venom and then you run and die, right? And then it eats you alive? Don't die. You collapse and then they start eating you. Oh, dude. Then you die and they go and then it eats you alive don't die you collapse and then they start eating you oh dude then you die and they go for your gut first so it's nice and painful and slow dude there is no god i'll say that on stage if you can watch animals killing each other and and and watching

like you know what human beings do to each other and still believe in God. A God that gives a fuck. Whatever it is, dude, it doesn't care. It doesn't. Or it would have done a better job. And it's so fucking stupid that you built this shit the way you built it. And then I'm going to die and you're going to judge me? You got questions you got questions

you got questions something that's why i think god is a woman she's not gonna take responsibility for god knows yeah how was it my fault serial killers pedophiles mass mass fucking shooters, Komodo fucking dragons. Yo, I just picked your bill. I just picked your bill. Get that. World-class bankers, and you're going to fucking give me shit? You're driving in the middle of all of that.

And I'm a white guy. I didn't have to go racism, homophobia, and all this shit. I'm not saying there's not gay white, I mean, fucking white dudes. Before people get upset, you cunts. I'm just saying. Dude, there's just, there isn't. Dude. There might be, but it doesn't give a fuck.

Bill, you're such a contrarian, and you love to argue that I can see you getting up there with God. And be like, you got questions. No, no, no. Yeah. He's like, oh, my you got questions. No, no, no. Yeah. He's like, oh my God, listen. No, no, no. I want to talk to you. What was that shit about? I get it. I'm going to hell, but I can ask a couple of questions first. I don't need you to tell me I'm not a good person. Oh God, did you figure that out? Oh, I built the solar system. I figured out Bill Burr's not a good person. Oh, God, did you figure that out? Oh, I built the solar system.

I figured out Bill Burr's not a good person. Good on you. Oh, dude, I could see you just start yelling out things. Like, what about this fucking alligator one time this alligator grabbed this fucking zebra, you know, they go into the death row. One of it grabbed it by its snout. It did a death row and it just peeled the thing's whole face off. Things going, it's still alive. And I'm supposed to sit there because they try to pull it off with people going like, well,

they have freedom of choice to not do this and not do that. Like that's, that's how those things are fucking made. There's a flip side to that though. I saw a cat, a Jaguar, who's the most aquatic cat jump in grab a crocodile by its shoulder rip it out and then rip the thing in half it was fucking nuts dude yeah i'm just saying paul there's a good side to everything i know that there's the breeze

there's all of this type of shit. Like, you know. Yeah, I just feel like going in the ocean and feeling saltwater and feeling that and getting that feeling refreshing and not going too far out is an amazing feeling. Then you lay down, you let the sun dry it, you catch a tan. I mean, who doesn't want to be in the ocean? It's called a pool. They have saltwater pools. You know what's funny, Paul? If I had one, I just do a bit on this. If there was one fucking crab fucking walking sideways in there,

you'd be like, you got to get that out of there before I let my kid go in. You go in the ocean. You don't get all of that shit is in there. Every shark in the fucking world, other than the ones that are in in captivity are that's where they are have you had a bad experience in the ocean before ever or no uh no i had an i had a well i i remember looking back before i knew how to swim i walked out with my brother out into the water we were jumping up like this trying to get to this thing where these kids were diving off my you know mother wasn't paying attention because she had all these kids and I was thinking like all it took was

One wave and we both would have drowned. Oh shit But I'm just saying no what did I see I saw jaws And I know that this guy's like now they're like petting sharks and fucking becoming like BFFs with them and stuff Okay, good on you, and I know there's these people who have tigers as pets and shit yeah you know what i mean hey paul everybody dates a stripper at some point you know i love i love that guy i love that guy that just had a crocodile swim up and he goes oh he was standing up to here and the crocodile's head goes and he goes goes, oh, there's my baby. And like kissed it on the lips and then was like laying on it like it was a floaty going like that.

Thinking that that thing really would care if it was hungry and needed to turn and snap the guy's neck. Dude, reptiles don't give a fuck. No. That's what I don't like about bears. Bears act like reptiles the way they kill deer and the way they kill moose and fucking mall people they're like reptiles like like when you watch a komodo dragon kid like the lack of fucking even giving a shit about the agony it's putting this other animal through fucking baboons are the same goddamn fucking way.

No, watching a snake or an anaconda just make an animal that's going limp, just go down like that. And then that- They're merciful. They're merciful. So there goes my reptile theory. They kill me before you eat me. Is that asking too much?

I don't think it's asking too much. I love that you're argumentative to animals. That's so great. Guys, thank you guys so much for listening. We're going to end there. We're going to end with a lot of fear from bears and sharks and snakes killing you. This is episode 12. Guys, first of all, I want to thank everybody who came out to OKC, man. It was really amazing check out uh anything better on itunes spotify anywhere you get your podcast please rate and review it helps the show go up also the versi effect monday morning podcast all the podcasts that we're doing youtube channels like and subscribe give reviews and uh i will be in um uh bill i know you got a tour you want to announce. Just want to announce these dates real quick.

I will be in Addison Improv in Dallas, April 22nd to the 24th and May 20th to the 23rd. I'll be at Sidesplitters in Tampa. All tickets for all shows through June. I got Salt Lake City. I got Austin, paulverzee.com. Beautiful. I have a big fall tour. It starts in Vegasgas on july 3rd

uh i think i'm at the cosmopolitan um and then everything else is uh is up on my website billbird.com all right be safe out there swim in pools watch out for Komodo dragons. Later. Thank you.