Anything Better? - I Hate This New Fucking World

Episode Date: November 12, 2022

Is there Anything Better than Paul explaining curbside grocery delivery to a bewildered Bill? Beard Club: Grow your best beard today and take 20% off your first order when you go to BeardClub.com/better and use code BETTER. Helix: Get 200 dollars off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners at HelixSleep.com/BETTER

what's up everybody and welcome back to the anything better podcast with your host me paul verzi my friend bill burr hello our friend and producer out there in Beverly Hills, Andrew, the Greek freak, femless, sorry. Guys, today you are listening to episode 71, okay? And we got some 71 people. Bill, who do we got? Okay, here we go. The NFL.

The players of the Pro Football Hall of Fame wearing number 71. The great San Francisco 49er and San Diego Supercharger, Fred Dean. Larry Allen from the Purple People Eaters, Carl Eller. Walter Jones, George Conner, football star and TV star, rest his soul, Alex Karras. Anybody else of honorable mention that I recognize?

There's Bill Pickle. Honorable mention. A guy named Bill Pickle. And also, what do you got? Gino Malkin from the Pittsburgh Penguins you got Gino Malkin from the Pittsburgh Penguins and Denny Malkin of the Pittsburgh Penguins those are the number 71s I'm not going into baseball or basketball because it's going to be somebody ridiculous yeah and let's be honest if you're a baseball or basketball player you pick 71 that was a family number it's not something or you just made the team and that's what they had left in the box yeah no you like 71 for you um

all right well i gotta want uh i'm happy that we're back doing this and guys for the people that don't work during the nfl football season we're doing two anything better as a month instead of four because we give you the bed mgm stuff okay now bill i wanted to talk to you about something i called a buddy of mine i'll say his name uh i was home he's a neighbor of mine you know him you know him well the the our greek friend over there yannis papas and i was going through i'm not gonna lie not bad not bad but i just had one with my wife i had one with my wife and uh you you weren't around and it was one of those where i pulled him to stop and shop and i was waiting for them to deliver the groceries to the trunk. And I just fucking got into it.

So I just needed a friend to just say, you know something? It's about their mood and it's about them. And he's listening. And then he goes like this. It was actually really funny. We talked about it with Bobby yesterday on his podcast briefly. But I wanted to emphasize this because me and you do this sometimes. And any man or woman listening to this, ladies, we know you call your girlfriends when you're having issues with your husband or

boyfriend hey paul guess what i don't give a fuck what they do go ahead we don't need to make them feel better just say what you did all right so this is what happens i call him up i tell him my bitch and he goes yeah you know uh they you know they go through stuff you know and they got he starts doing that so i'm listening at first i'm listening he's like you know their bodies and hormones and stuff like that and then as he's doing it i'm like yeah yeah and then i just go and we both left i go oh things are good i go things are going good and he goes yeah and we just bursted the fuck out laughing because he was like in a good place because he went through the stretch okay that's what a friend does is they let you fucking lay it on them and they're on board

on fucking board dude you know they're the one going yeah you're on board listen i help you get i help you get fucking custody to kids you you know we'll get a good lawyer that's what a fucking friend does you don't so me me and I call you sometimes. I'm not going to, you know, Stacy knows. I call you sometimes and you either go. No, you usually you're good at you're good as a friend, just listening and taking it. And then when you're in a good mood and things are good with you, you go, ah, you know, like you just leave it. You just leave it.

Yeah. You go, ah, you know. You just leave it. You just leave it over. Yeah, and then if you're going through something, then you just go, me and you always go, no, no, no, they do. You want to know why? And then this is when I know you really are in a mood. When you go, you whisper and you go, you want to know why, Paul? And then you say my first name and I'm like, oh, yeah, here it comes. Here comes some gold.

Bill, never did. Never did. Oh, it was the funniest thing ever. Ever. I fucking, you know, I was going through, you know, whatever. It's marriage. You're going through some shit. My wife was just fucking coming at me for like two days in a row.

And, you know, I wasn't being a cunt. So I was like, what's. So in the middle of that, I called you up, I was like, dude, you know what? I go, that's just unbelievable. Go, you know what? They don't give a fuck. And Paul goes, never did. Never did was I first that I was in the grocery store when I was talking to you. Never did was so fucking profound to me because it's like the whole thing was a lie.

Like they don't give a fuck means. All right. You put a ring on them. They got a couple of kids. They're comfy. So now, now they can get a little fresh with you. Right.

But never did was that whole fucking thing is now I'm in Donnie Brosco. By the way, what do you mean you pull up to stop and shop and you wait for them to bring out the groceries? Do you order them online? Yeah, there's something called a Peapod pickup where basically they have... You sit there looking for celery and shit? No, no, no, it's done. On a manifesto on the fucking internet?

No, your order is bagged and waiting there, like almost takeout. No, you gotta order it. They don't know what you want. No, you order it, they bag it, and it's on a thing, and then you pull up. No, no, no, no, no. Fast forward. How long is it you're fucking ordering? What are you doing there? No, if we order whatever from the grocery store you order.

How do you do that? Online. Yeah, so now you got to pick it out. Yeah, but we're not picking out peaches and shit. We do shit that they could just grab off. Some guy's not going to eat your peach. He's going to pick it out. What are the odds he's not going to give you Jif when you wanted Skippy?

This is your food, Paul. They tell you that when you call. When you get there, they go, listen, is it okay? We didn't have Jiffy, but there's Skippy. Or what's the other one? Oh, no, we didn't have jiffy but there's uh skippy or what's the other one oh no we didn't have jiff we had skippy is that okay and you either say yay or nay and then they switch it for you while you wait so you grocery shop at home and then you drive down there and then you sit in your car for certain things yes and you only sit in your car for two seconds diva who can't go to the grocery store anymore? No, I just call up.

I go, fucking Paul Berzy. I can't go in there. I'm going to get mobbed. No, no. I just go, hey, I'm in spot five. I'll be, you know, my trunk's open. They come out. I try tipping them.

They're not allowed. Can I tell you something, Paul? I hate this new fucking world. I fucking hate it. Get out of your fucking car and go pick it. Isn't it enough somebody murdered the chicken for you? Now you got to have something to do. Hey, man, when my wife tells me that it's ordered already just go pick it up i i go get it what am i gonna do i'm not fighting her i we go in and shop a lot but there are certain things

we go we need like right now so you know what am i gonna do am i gonna go down and get it paul you're italian paulzi, you're fucking Sicilian. You're going to have some fucking redheaded mick like me go down and pick out your fucking produce? Nah, it's a bunch of- What's the world coming to? It's college girls getting jobs. You know, I'm doing, you know, it's not- Oh, stop playing the hero.

You don't want to get out of your Lexus. You're listening to Journey. Bill, I like to be comfortable. Do you even put your shoes on? I bet you're driving in slippers. She pulls out the trunks of it. She's, take me. Take me in your arms.

I go to Stop and Shop, and I'm waiting for them to bring out the groceries. Fucking, what are you, a dictator? shop and I'm waiting for him to bring out the groceries. Fucking. What are you, a dictator? I'm just picturing you driving in with like Jersey flags on the front of your car. Flap it in like some fucking. I got diplomatic immunity. I don't have to shop for my own fucking groceries. Dude, these fucking kids don't fucking they need toothpaste.

They order it on Amazon and it comes in like a refrigerator box no just bouncing dude i've done it a couple times i stopped doing it it's stupid they don't have the boxes for the shit you need they give you a giant box and there's like a fucking thing of lotion in there to put a fucking air conditioner in there. Well, Bill, while you're in a mood, why don't you talk to us about the prevent defense that you called me about? Oh my God, this is what's killing me.

I find this fascinating, Paul, that me as a stand-up comedian who's never coached a team anywhere ever, at any level, week after week, I watched the Rams versus the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Okay? The Rams are given three points.

I take the Rams because I know their defense. I know Tampa Bay's offensive line. I know the way they're playing. Okay? I like the Rams. I bet them and when they were playing defense they won the game that you play to win the game they won the game paul let me get this right they won the game by seven points okay they had the game. If they just kept playing defense,

but they went into the prevent in the first half and in the second half, and they ended up losing the game by three points. They gave up 10 points the whole first half. Okay. They go into the half. It's seven to three. They're playing defense. Tampa cannot move the fucking ball.

Yeah. I saw that. Yeah. There's like two minutes left or whatever. They go to a prevent defense against Tom Brady. Gee, what the fuck you think he's going to do? There was like,

there was like seconds left. And I was literally watching it on my podcast live. I go, well, they just gave them a field goal. They go right down the field, kicks a field goal. Paul, they had three points. Now they have six points.

Now, I know you and I aren't the best with math, but you just doubled their score. You were up by four. Now you're only up by one. But guess what? Guess what? You didn't let him get behind you. That's their big takeaway.

I didn't let him get behind you. That's the big takeaway. I didn't let him get behind you. He didn't even fucking play defense. The whole point of defense is not to fucking get scored on. And you just gave them points. Dude, that was really bad. They go to the second half, Paul. They go to the second half. It's the same fucking story, Paul.

They can't move the goddamn ball. When Tampa plays, I mean, when the Rams play defense, they gave up three fucking points. So, it should have been 13-6, but instead, it was 13-9.

Brady gets the ball back. They go into the pre-bent defense, and in like four plays, they're right down the fucking field. You just give them 80 yards. Let's give them a 20-yard cushion and let them go out of bounds. This whole fucking fantasy that it's going to eat up the clock before they have time, it just doesn't work.

So then they go down there. Now you're giving Tom Brady four shots at the end zone, and he gets a ticky-tack pass interference call. And what was funny is the second they got in the end zone, and he gets a ticky-tack pass interference call. And what was funny is the second they got in the red zone, the Rams started playing defense again, and it became difficult again. It's like, why the fuck did you do that down the other end of the field? Now, the press conference comes along, and I'm sitting there. I tear my hair up, Paul, if I had any left.

All right? I had a full head of hair before they had the fucking defense. I love tear my hair out, Paul, if I had any left. All right? I had a full head of hair before they had to fuck me. I love that you stayed for the press conference. Okay, to be honest with you, I didn't even watch it, but I've never heard in a press conference anybody ever say – it's John Madden's quote is, the prevent defense prevents you from winning. That's a Hall of Fame coach.

None of these cunts have ever won 100 games faster than him. They go in there, and they go, yeah, you know, you didn't get it done today, da, da, da. And then they just go into missed opportunities, things we need to do better. And this is what I don't understand. They go, well, these coaches are afraid. They're afraid to lose. It's like, what do you mean they're afraid?

I'm watching the fucking Packers versus the Lions. They go for it on fourth and goal in the first quarter they're they're in the middle of losing four games in a row just get some fucking points they throw an interception they come away with no points but they get the scapegoat of analytics so they have balls in the first quarter and no brains why the fuck are you going to a prevent defense at the half yeah why don't you go into it between the first and second quarter what is the big what's the difference between the end of the first and second quarter and the end of the second quarter going into the half what is the difference in that Paul it's not the end of the game no no and and here's the other thing too that what you just said about going out of bounds, that Rams prevent on Brady's last drive, dude, they were like so far back and letting the guy catch it and go out of bounds.

But let me ask you this. I got a question about your Patriots and during their run. Did Belichick, because you obviously saw the game more games than I did. Did Belichick do a prevent during that dynasty run? He didn't a lot, right? during that dynasty run? He did it a lot, right? No, everybody does it. Everybody does it, and it drives me fucking bananas. But back in the day, they at least tried to keep you in the middle of the field. Is it a clock eating? I was so beside myself when I was watching that game.

With five minutes left, I knew it was going to happen. I was like, they're going to stop him here. They're going to get the ball back, and they're going to go down the field and I'm going to die a thousand deaths watching Tom Brady get four shots at the end zone and it's Tom Brady and he's going to get in. Yeah. Yeah.

I literally shut it off and I turned on a fucking hockey game. Let me ask this, Paul. When you watch a baseball game and your Yankees are up by two and they go into the ninth inning, do they move the outfield to the fucking warning track to keep the ball in front of them or do they keep playing baseball yeah it's a good point it's a great point um is it a is it a clock eating tactic is the prevent to eat clock what is that

it's a clock eating tactic right i always thought it was so that you don't give up the big play. And it's like, if you can just keep them underneath, underneath, you keep them on the field. The clock is still going. They have to burn a timeout. You're not letting a guy get away because I think you can't let a guy out of bounds though. You can't let a guy out of bounds. I understand.

I understand the whole theory. It doesn't work. Right. Yeah. It doesn't work right yeah it doesn't work everybody turns into joe montana in the 80s and goes the the first 80 yards everybody's on the fucking 20 yard line in four to six plays or in field goal range in scoring range because if it's if they're if they're up by like two or three then they start playing defense at the middle of the field.

And then it becomes hard again. The second they start playing, this is another thing too, Paul. The whole fucking game, they didn't get behind you. And you would think it was happening every other play. That's what I was going to say. It's like nobody scores any points. And then at the end of the game, all these great plays happen. Yeah.

Well, I got some good news. I got some news that i wanted to tell you too okay i'm actually excited about this i couldn't say it last year because i was a third coach reserve right my my daughter's basketball team like i went on the list for third reserve so i go look i go i travel i know they do weekend games sometimes i said i don't want to disappoint the girls i said but i'll be the third guy if the first two can't do something and i'm available so they put me on the list but not this year guys this year i didn't go head coach because i still have to travel and i have a tour coming up but uh your boy paul is assistant coach of his daughter's uh modified fifth and sixth grade basketball team

okay so that means i'm at the practices. I'm at the games. I'm on the sidelines. This is what that means is if the head coach gets a couple of tees, you're grabbing the clipboard. I love it. Yeah. I'm going to be there on the sidelines. My daughter's actually, you know, luckily one of the better girls, she's not afraid. She's got a great shot. She's one of the bigger girls. So she's like, dad, can you coach me this year,

please? Can you be? And I was like, I'll be on the sideline. I'll be on the sidelines this year. So, you know, Stacy just wants to make sure that I don't say any,

you know, I got to just, cause it's, we're a small community. So like if I call an official over and say something, everybody sees and knows. So I got to, I got to do it like diplomatically.

That's fucking hilarious. My wife does that to me all the time. Anytime we go into like a social event, she gives me like a fucking pregame speech. Dude, in my wife's defense, we got a coach of this girl's soccer team that all you do is hear him scream the whole game, dude. And to the point where the opposing parents are just like, they love it

because the guy's so passionate, but it's like the wife is just going like dude what are you he's like i mean they're like young girls and he's screaming dude go get back are you tired are you like dude it's it's it's and it's for him coaching i know dude but they girls like they're like you know they're in fifth grade they get nervous dude dude if you had a guy like me or you screaming, are you tired to a fucking fifth grade girl? It's not really. Yeah, I mean, I grew up in a different time.

It was probably wrong. I told you when I played football, when I was in the third grade, I used to move my thigh pads to the side because when we did leg lifts, if your feet came down, the coach, when he was walking by, he'd kick you in the side of the leg to get your legs back up. Oh, really? I didn't know. That's cool.

Yeah, in front of the parents. No, dude, let's be honest. When we were growing up, I know you're a little older than I am, but, like, dude, there were, like, coaches that got in trouble for making kids run until they puked and shit. It's like, dude, it's borderline fucking nuts, man. Oh, yeah, there was, like, kids in Texas used to die every year doing two days in fucking July. Yeah, dude, that's fucking brutal.

Andrew, did you play any sports, football, basketball? Yeah, baseball for 15 years and then uh basketball you know in there i never played football it's beard club everybody having a good looking beard requires work i mean look at this day i like to go low uh yours looks good bill um whether it's a beard growth whether it's a beard growth, whether it's beard growth oils, uh, style products or, uh, top of the line trimmer, there's a small army of products required to grow your best beard. Luckily beard club is here to help as a leader in a beard first men's growth and grooming beard club delivers quality hardware and consumables that will help you get a better, thicker, fuller looking beard.

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you know, depending on your size, depending on the model. And remember, you get to try it out a hundred nights risk-free uh what do you do for a living i pick up helix mattresses after a hundred oh my god how picky do you gotta be on like not night night 90 where you're like i still don't know oh god please tell me you got the. Don't want to take my word for it. Helix has been awarded the number one mattress picked by GQ and Wired magazine. It's even recommended by multiple leading chiropractors, Paul, and doctors of sleep medicine as the go-to solution for improving your sleep. Helix is offering up to $200 off all mattresses and mattress orders and two free pillows to our listeners. Go to helixsleep.com

slash better with helix better sleep starts now and i will tell you something i had a lower back problem and we got the medium firm helix and all jokes aside dude in all seriousness it helped my back it's a it's a really good rubbing out did that help too for a little isometrics well you know me and my wife my wife's been frisky lately, so we've been fucking going at it, and this thing holds up. No, it's not. You like to fuck firm or soft? All right. I only played football.

I played football right up until our first game, and my dad saw CTE come, and he goes, you got too many brains i'm not gonna have you fucking smashing into people um it was it was actually really smart because yeah i mean who's give me i don't need to say this but i will say it like i wasn't getting a scholarship my dad was probably like all right this kid's dumb enough. I don't need to – I'm going to start putting dents in his head. No, but I remember growing up, we used to get mad at parents that were like that. Be like, dude, he's playing football.

And the parents that were going like, we don't want our son to play. He's going to get hurt. I remember everyone going, what the fuck are they doing? Let him play. And it was like now you look and you're like no like they they protected you yeah it's uh i don't know and then like the equipment it's weird it got better in the wrong way especially like in hockey dude when i grew up you played hockey dude that was just like that foam shit like if you hit somebody hard enough that still still hurt you. So it wasn't like... Then it just became like that Barry Bonds.

You're just going out there like a suit of fucking armor. And back when those certain style of hits, those Scott Stevens hits were legal. People come down on Scott Stevens, but it's just like, that was legal. Dude, that guy, you'd fucking follow through on his shot. He'd come by like 25 miles an hour with his shoulder. It's like he hit you with a wrench.

These guys, like guys as big as Lindros with like helicopter 180 around him, just be completely unconscious. And that was just called hard-nosed hockey. Like there's hits from back in the day you just look at like dude you would go to jail now for that um they just didn't understand or i think they did understand they were just the public didn't understand what was happening but uh that guy riley cote is doing some great work with uh mushrooms for guys uh, dealing with post-concussion syndromes and stuff like that.

Yeah, I just saw a study that said that mushrooms, they said that it's not as much the psychedelic magic mushrooms that people like, but they said that there's a mushroom which is like that, that they're treated for depression depression and it's really helping people right and big pharmaceuticals gonna get freaked out and then they're gonna own all of it and then they're gonna get the seeds and they're gonna turn it in they're gonna put sugar in it they're gonna fuck the whole thing up that's what's gonna happen like they did with weed i don't know much about weed but i can tell you like i never smoked it back in the day i didn't try it till later on

in life but every guy I know that used to smoke was like, so many of them were like, dude, I don't fuck with that shit because that isn't weed anymore like, dude, you can be like borderline tripping off of some of this shit it's too much, dude you would think if it got legal

it would get healthier but it's healthier in that you know, maybe there's not as many rat turds in it you know or whatever and fucking i just don't understand why some of those but like the shit that as far as like processed foods and like how like like the steaks and shit they're feeding cows other cows if you know man-made salmon that was my shit because i figured you know if it's out in the ocean it's going to be fucking you know eat my old rollerblades as they decompose and i'm going to be eating them right they say that you know that they're swimming in like maggots

and all of this stuff like i just don't understand like at some point paul with another midterm election going by and yet again the country is blaming a blue tie this time. Last time they blamed the red tie. We're still in the same situation. It's these fucking banks. It's the Ponzi scheme. It's that everybody has to be a slave to the dollar, that you would literally do that to animals

that you're then going to feed to people and kids because you're so trying to get ahead of the game that they've created. What kills me is they're a bunch of suits. It's not like they're gangsters. They're like pencil and paper gangsters. It's really fucking depressing. And watching everybody once again just watching the herd every midterm election ah doing this and i also i don't even buy it like does it make any sense to you paul that trump got elected in 2016 right and then where did all these extra fucking people that didn't want to.

Show up in 2020 and where did all those people that voted for him go? Yeah, I know. Am I really to believe that somebody switched political parties because they don't. It's all bullshit. It is. And like the midterm elections, it's just like well if if i didn't i know i don't pay attention to shit but i'm assuming it went all wrecked right no it didn't no it didn't no it didn't it was actually a lot closer than it was a lot closer than they thought as a matter of fact it's kind of looked at as a win for the democrats because all my theories yeah it didn't it didn't go it didn't shift it actually they thought it was gonna and like you know it didn't go. It didn't shift.

They thought it was gonna and it didn't. I know what you're saying though. There is a truth to where is everybody from now people either come out of the woodworks or don't. I kind of got into it late. There was a guy out here, Paul, that was running for mayor

against the woman. She spent $9 million. this guy spent a hundred million dollars of his own money to get him office that i guarantee you pays like a hundred grand a year wait how much did he spend he spent a hundred million dollars of his own money and i'm trying to buy the story of like what all? He wasn't in my district, so I can't even. I couldn't vote one way or the other. But I was just looking at that thing. I'm like, nobody loves the city that much that they're going to burn

a hundred million of their own money. It's like you're getting in there. Yeah. The fucking grease, whatever the fuck it is you're doing. And this guy's like in real estate. So I'm like, that's going to be. It's going to be interesting to see if that guy uh dude that's perfect that's the best way to look at it nobody cares a hundred million of your own i'm gonna spend a hundred million dollars to make a hundred grand a year

be a mayor because i really want to clean up these streets get the fuck out of here sell me another one dude um back to the topic i'm only saying that now because the election already happened because i'm not going to be that fucking asshole that thinks he knows what's going on and tells people how to vote because i'm not i just last night learned that but like i said i'm not i'm not in la county district so i don't fucking vote yeah yeah no no no um going back to what you said about weed and being stronger, dude, we were out when we were doing the all-in tour, me, Lawhead, and Bartnick, we were out west.

I want to say it was Portland or Seattle. I think it was Portland. And a guy goes, yo, dude, Snoop Dogg gets the weed. Yo, Snoop Dogg gets the weed from this guy. So the guy comes out there, he gets Bartnick and I the weed. Dude, I swear. And you know me. I'm not a big weed smoker, dude.

I took one hit of this thing. And for 45 minutes, I was on another planet. Bartnick smoked the whole thing with the guy. And he's walking. Did you start hearing Snoop Dogg music? Dude, dude. Dr. J. Sipping on gin and juice.

He was like sideways like fucking Frankenstein. He's drinking, dude. I mean, Bartnick was. I don't know how he fucking held it together but he's bartnick dude it was something that i'm like that's not recreational man that's not that is not whatever we know dude it's like it's like the moonshine version of weed what do you weren't there. I remember one time we went to a game, Clemson. Oh, I missed that. I keep hearing about the lake house. Yes, we were

staying on this lake, and this guy next door to us, you know, southern guy or whatever, he kind of came out and he was looking at us. He could tell we weren't from there, running the house. So he was like, we said, hey, how's it going? He's like, how y'all doing? I was like, you know, just a bunch of Yankees over here making noise on this

pair and, you know, sort of shit on us. And then he fucking relaxed. We talked a little bit. Dude, this guy knew. He knew all the great moonshiners of that state the way I know 70s NFL players. And he started saying, you know, I got some jars of it. You guys want to come over or whatever.

Long story short, the night comes around, he comes out, and Bartnick and those guys went over there. Thank God I wasn't drinking because I've never seen, you know, Bartnick, nothing. No. Nothing stuns Bartnick, dude. Each one of them, one by one, about five-minute intervals. Because I went back into the house, and they went over this guy's house.

One by one, they all came in with, like, this 600-yard stare. Just going, yeah, dude, I'm going to bed. I'm going to bed. Oh, I'm glad I wasn't there, because I would have been one of them. I think Willis walked by, didn't say a fucking word. Bartnick just came in and was just like, yeah, dude, I think I'm glad I wasn't there because I would have been one of them. I think Willis walked by, didn't say a fucking word. Bartnick just came in and was just like, yeah, dude, I think I'm all set. It's like, Bartnick's always like, I feel great. For Bartnick to say he's all set, dude, he was feeling something for sure.

Apology to the fans. I'm fucking sick if you haven't noticed. Oh, dude. Is anything funnier than the friend who gets fucked up and there's no talking? They just disappear? They just... Dude, the beeline to the bedroom is one of my favorites because they're just like, I'll see you in the morning. Dude, I would be at a bar and I would just so want to go home and my friends were still going and I didn't realize it was because a couple of them you know were riding the rail there i fucking uh i i just two times i just did the irish goodbye and walked

home like how i didn't get hit by a car and i was gonna say that's dangerous dude dude i did it along a highway one time and i was staying on the inside of the guardrail and i was coming you know the lights and it looked kind of dark and it was lights were in my face and i took a step and i was just falling jesus you ever see that race those people have when they run down that hill somewhere in europe and they're just falling down the hill i was doing that in the pitch black oh Oh, my God, dude. It fucking landed in gravel, and I realized it was train tracks. No. That were going underneath. Dude, I'm lucky I didn't break my neck.

Oh, my God. I was just so fucking hammered. I was like fucking rubber. You know, I just. Dude, that reminded me of something that got me actually really upset just now because I remember my first manager tony camacho okay he was a big giants fan is a big giants fan he's out there in vegas now he's getting old or whatever he was my first manager and i wanted to work with him because i found out he worked with jim brewer i found out like martin lawrence used to knock on

his door and try working with him it was like like, oh, this guy like thought I was funny. Right. And he, I got tickets to giants and he was my first manager. You know, me, I'm a fucking, you're good to me once I'll fucking. Right. So I get tickets to giants, cowboys, and I got to go find the bookie to get it. And they go, yeah, he's over there. And I didn't realize I could have crossed a bridge or went through a path. And I was so fucking anxious to get him. Dude. crossed a bridge or went through a path and I was so fucking anxious to get him, dude. I crossed the New Jersey turnpike eight lanes this way.

And that way like Frogger to get it, dude. And I could get any Murphy and both finger, dude, it was like Eddie Murphy and both finger, dude, I could have been killed and I just wanted to do it. And then I saw what I could have done. And I just thought of my mother and like my wife being like, what the dude, I could have been killed. If I fell down there and I got knocked out, no one would have found me. I probably would have died of hypothermia or a brain bleed or something.

Dude, that's all right. What do you think? I was just trying to think, what do you think the greatest coaching press conference in history was in your was? In your lifetime. I was just telling somebody that I became a better comedian. Or at least handling people asking me questions. And I think it's because I used to watch Bill Parcells' press conferences.

What I loved about him is if you asked a good question, would answer it but if you asked a dumb question he would tell you that that's a stupid question and he was the only coach that i saw that really had they were on their heels he wasn't going in there looking at them like oh god what are they going to ask me he was looking at them like don't don't waste my time don't ask me something fucking stupid and i wish more people would do that because we would get better interviews and um like i gotta tell you something the amount of times i watch people in the public eye answer a fucking question, it's like, why would you even answer that?

Or why would you just say this? Like, hey, so-and-so did blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. What do you think about that? I don't know. What do you think about it? Yeah. Let's put your fucking career on the hot plate. What the fuck are you doing here?

Let me ask you. What you're doing is such a piece of shit move because you don't give a fuck about that you're using that to try to get me in trouble you're a fucking piece of shit you say that without the fucks and the anger i think it helps you yeah no dude they they don't know man like i went on the radio to do press and they just kept going i gotta ask you so what do you think about like i'm charging eight dollars to get the blue check on twitter now and like and i at first i was like all right that's one question and then like every radio station i did all right before we let you go like so this elon musk thing do they just have like stock questions that are just like

it's just so bad it's so easy there's no anybody can just pay eight dollars to get a blue no so so elon musk was basically saying if you got a blue check on twitter you should just pay the people that have it should pay should pay to make to keep it like 20 bucks a year whatever and then stephen king the author who hates elon musk goes like really you're gonna charge and like went at him and then elon sarcastically goes well how about, well, how about we do eight? How about we do eight bucks? He said like, and then he kept it at eight.

So then every radio station, what's that, Andrew? It's eight bucks a month. Oh, eight bucks a month to keep it. And everyone just asked the same question, like, what do you think? It's like, is that what we're wasting time on? That's why they're audience members they want to charge me eight dollars a month i don't give a shit i don't i'm using twitter for free why should i use it for

free i don't care about that i said the exact same thing i go dude if it's eight bucks it's eight bucks like i don't like that's a dumb question though yeah it's just like how fucking what kind of world if you have a fucking blue check i think you can afford eight bucks right yeah if it's some comic on his way up you know or some influencer just starting out yeah cut him a break but once they get a certain amount you know we all gotta throw our whore money back into the till every once in a while to keep the machine going well you know what i don't what i find stupid is all these celebrities and all these people that are like hey should we come together and leave twitter because elon musk

and it's like leave twitter because you don't like elon musk or what he's about do you know how many companies you buy things from that if you knew what the CEOs and owners fucking were that you would... So are you going to find out... Yeah, what they do to animals, what they do to the plants, what they do to who's making your clothes.

Yeah. Yeah, you're going to find out everything. Listen, if you found out everything about the top people at the products that you buy, what are you going to just fucking sit home in your underwear? Can I say something as a liberal?

I'm sick of liberals trying to fucking gang people up against somebody because they don't like their political views. You're not fucking liberal if you're doing that. Leave people alone. He has the right to think what the fuck he wants. And if he wants Donald Trump's ass and balls on that fucking site, I don't give a shit. I don't care. I'm not a fan of Donald Trump.

If he wants him back on there, I don't give a fuck. It doesn't change anything. It doesn't change anything. You know, there's no fucking tweet, you know, that anybody can, like, that would be like, well, Joe Biden's on there, and then he's going to convince people that wanted to vote for Trump all of a sudden and be like, well, I can't read Donald Trump tweets. Now I'm going to root for Joe Biden. It's like everybody's already made their mind up. Dude, if the guy that invented white leather in cars was fucking punting puppies off of a fucking, I'm still getting a white leather car. He didn't invent it.

You know what I mean? I don't know. that company's not even making money it's subsidized by the government but i'm fine with it because anything that gets us out of the middle east you know you fucking need the goddamn oil to make the batteries it's like whatever it's still gonna hurt them still gonna hurt him a little bit right from a guy who just bought an f-250 i'm so full of shit paul i can't even get through an idea anymore before this thing in my brain goes what are you talking about bill you just did this oh i can't wait for that truck to come paul dude what are you gonna do i just want to know what are you gonna do a guy i don't know if you could do it dude because you got that thing like, what are you going to do when you retire? Do you have it in you to sit and do nothing for a while?

Oh, you don't even understand. You don't even understand, Paul, how quickly I shut it off. It's just like cigars. It's just like cigars. You did shut off alcohol, too. I've gone 10 days without cigars. I don't need to ever smoke another one again. I'm just done.

Are you done? I'm not saying I'm done. I don't need to ever smoke another one again. I'm just done. Are you done? I'm not saying I'm done, but if I wanted to be, I could. I can just walk away from shit. And, like, I never thought I could walk away from stand-up. Dude, six weeks into the pandemic, I wasn't even thinking about comedy anymore. It's like I never did it. I'm like De Niro in Heat Pong. You just walk away.

Dude, 55, 60. 55, 60. No one's seeing me again. Well, you, a couple other people. Paul, that number keeps dropping. 55, 60? 55. 60.

60 is the number, dude. I'm not getting on an airplane at 60 dude to fucking leave my family dude fuck that well your family's gonna be out of the house paul hey hopefully you know what though that the rodney dangerfield blueprint is a nice one you get enough money you open a comedy club in the local thing you show up when you want you to hey how's everybody doing thanks for coming okay we got a great lineup you know you dude that's what he said in his book. He goes, I didn't want to leave my family anymore. I was established.

So I just decided to open a place I could go on stage anytime I want to work on stuff. I was with my family every night. And I'm like, yeah, dude, it was actually sad. I drove past the site for the first time and seeing no danger fields on 61st Street. And it just said property for rent, and it's all empty. But the weird thing was it was kind of bizarre. They still had old black and white headshots of, like, J.J. Ramirez, Quincy – no, what's his name?

You know the kid. Quentin Heggs. Quentin Heggs, J.J. Ramirez. I think there's one of either Norm MacDonaldald, rest his soul, or another guy. Nancy Redmond. Steve Marshall, like this is up. Nancy Redmond? Maybe, yeah. And then it's just empty. And then it says property for rent with all these stickers.

And dude, I lived on 62nd and... Dude, I saw you. I told you this story. It's one of the most unbelievable things about our friendship is Stacey went to a bachelorette party. Some friend. Dude, I'm 22 years old, 23 years old. I lived on 62nd and 3rd with my brother Christian. And it's snowing. And I had nothing to do.

And I got into comedy. But I was in no rooms. And I go, I'm going to go to Dangerfields alone. And I went into Dangerfields. And I'm sitting there by myself. It's like a blizzard. There's like 40, 50 people in there. You're probably 37, 38 years old at the time.

You're on stage doing your thing. I remember the bit you did about your. I met you before that. I was younger than that. I met you when I was 37. Okay, so you were younger than that. You were probably 34, 35. And you're up there. You did the joke but i remember it was a danger field it didn't you tell me the joke i could probably tell

you the year the joke was uh yeah my my uh wife wants to go to brunch let's pay 18 for eggs oh no no that was then that was right before i met you i wrote that like that was like oh four oh five as a matter of fact it would have been girlfriend girlfriend i think you said you were 36 or something and you looked over at me i'm by myself just watch a comedy you go this guy is you go you guys never forget it you go this guy just by himself watch a comedy this guy's cooler that's cool and i remember i was like oh he didn't pick up to you you talked to me from the stage dude when i didn't know you how wild is that you go this guy's here by himself he goes oh that's cool man that's so fucked up because pete davidson i met him i did it i did a gig in atlantic city and his mother

came up to me said oh it's my son he wants to use all fucking there's something about pete i never forgot him i said all right you want to see yours because he was like 14 or something i can't remember if you just started doing i said all right man you know you're dude you started young really young that's great good luck to you and blah blah blah and all that shit and um then years later he's like i don't know if you remember i was like yeah i remember you because he looked the same if you look at pete when he's a little kid yeah he looks he's one of those guys he looks just you know who else was on that show you had shorter was uh who else was with you at danger field yeah i know and he he has this like innocence about um mike brit and mike brit was on danger mike brit was on Dangerfield Mike Britt was on Dangerfield

And I think he said something to me Like where's your girl you're alone And I go yeah she's at a bachelorette party And he's like oh she's got dicks I think he said something like that Everyone's laughing but I remember Now when I'm on stage and somebody's alone I always kind of want to be nice

Or sometimes if it's weird And I was like because you were nice And you were'll, if it's weird, but, and I was like, cause you were nice. Cause you know, and you were like, Oh, this guy's buying himself a coat, dude. And I remember like nobody was eating a dick, but I remember you guys up there in Dangerfields is longer sets. So you guys are doing like 20 half hour sets. Yeah. Half hour sets. And you guys were up there and you know, it wasn't, it was a blizzard.

There wasn't many people and just standing in the pocket working shit out. You were 36. I'm pretty sure. Fucking nuts, dude. Well, I remember what I loved about that gig is if you went up there and you caught a zone, even though it was like three, four people there, which a lot of times there was during that time, you just learned how to stay in a zone and riff and not give a fuck. And you kind of like became like uh

like bullet you learned how to freestyle and improvise and like you weren't gonna sit there doing doing your act and i remember uh all the guys used to give a norton was the guy that first went over there and what he said made sense he goes dude it's great you know you you get to you get to do a half hour of your 45 minutes, so, you know, you're not rusty on the weekends. Like, Paul, you don't even understand how many guys in New York in the 90s, like their whole thing was, I'm not doing the road until I'm famous. And I was just sitting there going like, okay.

So stupid. So stupid because it was like, okay, stupid, so stupid because it was like, do you want, okay, you're playing blackjack. Do you want to be split naces? I just want to play that. You know,

it's like a lot of that's fear. I think a lot of that's fear, dude. Cause I know, I think guys were afraid to get out there, man. It's also like laziness. I remember hearing a guy one time said to me like, yeah, you know, I like being home. I like being home.

And I was sitting there going like, I was so fucking mad at him. Who doesn't? Exactly. It's like we're out here fucking making sacrifices and shit. Like that's the whole thing about this. Don't fucking say you like being home. I love being home. Dude, I can't tell you how many times I fucked, especially when I was playing like this strip

on a Friday or Saturday night and I had nothing going on in my career and I was walking down the street in that perfect New York right before it gets ungodly hot in July and August. And I'd see all these beautiful people out on dates, all these fucking Wall Street guys, all these people with fucking money

that lived in doorman buildings, and they'd be sitting out eating. These fucking good-looking guys with these beautiful girls out on a date. And I would be thinking, like, I'd love to be sitting there with that beautiful woman having a date right now, blah, blah, blah.

And I was just like, and I just started thinking, like, did I do the wrong fucking thing? Like, what? of that why did i do that and then you'd walk into the strip and you go in you go on stage and you're fucking killed you'd fucking kill and then i remember like you'd be walking out of there going by the same restaurant be like i'm gonna get the girl i just gotta fucking keep doing this That'll happen when it's supposed to happen. But like, that's like when that guy said that, I like being home, you know?

I just want to be like, I don't even know how to, like, I mean, I just sort of walked away when the guy said, I was like, yeah, all right, okay, well, enjoy being home. I didn't even make any sense to me. That's like being a firefighter. Like, why would you be a comedian if you enjoy being home. Does that guy succeed? It doesn't make any sense to me. That's like being a firefighter. Like, why would you be a comedian if you like being home? That's like being a firefighter and you're afraid of fire. I was going to say, what about being a professional athlete?

Yeah, we got a game in Minnesota. I like being home. Yeah, I like the home games. Remember how Roger Clemens, the last year in his career, if he wasn't starting on the road trip, he didn't have to go? Yeah. Yeah. No, man.

I remember Jim Norton said Dangerfield is where jokes go to die. I will say this. I turned Dangerfield into a positive, and I was able to figure out how to kill in that room. But there were times where your A shit in that room would get like a, and you'd be like, oh, boy. Like, all right. Like, alright. Oh yeah, no. You know, and it gave you like

it would give you a sense of the road and the ignorant road. They could get some really dumb crowds in there. But it was still good for you. I used to have a running bit going with that waiter that was there for every passed away. Chario?

Rest his soul, yeah. Yeah, he always reminded me of Mark Marquez. In, um, in, uh, no, Mark Margolis, Mark Marquez. Talking about fucking MotoGP writer. Mark Margolis from Scarface,

Breaking Bad. Oh, yeah, yeah, yes. Yeah, he looked just like him. Yeah, and I think he, I think he was, Mark Margolis, obviously Greek guy. I think this Chario was Greek. And I used to fuck with him. I used to sing his name when he would walk by. I go, Chario, Chario. I would make this big grin, and I would look at him,

and I'd point at him. And he'd turn around and look at me. I'd go, what's your name? I like saying your name. Chario. And he would just stare at me. I'd go, you don't have anything to say? He would always pause.

And then he would give me the finger and it would get a huge laugh. And he would walk out of the showroom and his face would be lit up. Like, he lived for that. He loves coming in. He'd go on stage, too. Yeah, and he would come up later and be like, you see, I waited longer that time. I waited longer. We should do that again in Bob Lonnie.

And I fucking loved doing that with him. It was like, it kind of was like a thing that I did on those bad nights. Like on those bad nights, I would just sit there shooting the shit with him. Like, Sharia, what happened to us? I know how I ended up here. I know the hole that I had in my soul. What happened to you or whatever? Like, it was a...

He was moody, but he would treat you good. If you were funny, he would treat you better. And then he was moody, too. Like, he'd be in a mood sometimes, and then at the end, he'd always be in a good mood when they put him up. They'd go, guys, our waiter here, he'd like to come up, and he would be in a mood sometimes and then at the end he'd always be in a good mood when they put him up they go guys our waiter here he'd like to come up and he would just tell a couple of street jokes and some of them would be like you know edgy or racy and then he would get

off and he would just be so happy that he did it you know yeah some of those guys up at the bar that worked there were fucking weirdos man oh dude yeah they were dark those guys were fucking weirdos but you got in the showroom, they were alright. The waiters were cool, but everybody was fucking, I remember there was a fucking waiter in there and he also ran a website he sold X-rated, like, sex toys and shit. I mean, it was just fucking...

I remember one bartender was like, yeah, my fucking balls were, he was like talking about his dick and his, and I just remember being like, yeah, dude, give me a Diet Coke, but fucking... Yeah, I know that guy. That guy was, yeah guy was yeah tmi big time what about downstairs in the green room that green fucking push button phone with all the different lines dude oh yeah like johnny carson used that phone tony tony used to tell me about that said oh yeah tony told me a story one night i never got in the room because every time I auditioned, he wasn't there. And finally I was on a produced show there and I murdered him. He sat right there

and he walked right up to me. He goes, you need to be in this room. It was actually the coolest way to get in there. And then at night when he was there, we would talk and I actually wanted to do a 50th anniversary there and whatever people got involved, whatever. But I remember he said that it was johnny carson's last stop of the night johnny carson would walk and he would stop in there to have a drink and he said if johnny whether johnny got like hit up hard or whatever no matter what happened he's like if johnny and and rodney would like get drunk together like get into an argument whoever he said and then all of a sudden we go to the tonight show Show and Ronnie would do it, and Johnny would just be like,

nothing happened. Hey, guy there. Like, you know. But that was Johnny Carson's last stop going home at night was walking into Dangerfield's bar and having a drink with those guys. Yeah, when they did the Tonight Show out there. Yeah, he was telling me stories some nights when he just wanted to walk home.

He was in a good mood. He was drunk. Johnny, too, he told me a story of them backing the limo, like, down First Avenue, asking him to get in the car. He's like, ah, fine. That's insane. He's like, hey, Johnny Carson. He's like, how you doing?

I'm fucking hammered like some Ron Burgundy shit. It was amazing. That's like something you could just do, and there was no cameras, no nothing. And then the next day, he's like, you're not going not gonna fucking believe this shit i'm walking up first avenue last night johnny fucking carson's coming down the street his liver's backing up he's like get the fuck out of here i swear to god did you get his autograph no it was all here yeah it was all hearsay like i heard i heard eddie murphy was like dude like like with no phones he would go to a club here and there i mean he was always a he's private guy but like with no phones he would do

shit but dude eddie murphy like what's his name i heard eminem said he can't dude eminem had to be in a private room at his daughter's graduation inside looking like out a window or some shit like he yeah he was away just because dude phones are like and then if you catch somebody where you go hey man i'm just here for my daughter leave me alone they'll put it on and try to egg you on to be a dick and then they and then they put it on it's fucking horrible yeah well i mean i also don't know that you can get famous like those guys anymore. No, you can't. Like the level of fame that Eminem had versus the level of fame that you can have as like a comedian. You know, it's just a different thing. It's a different thing.

I said this is the only time in show business history where you could sell out Madison Square Garden for a week. And the majority of people don't know who the fuck you are. But back in the day when Dice did it, everybody fucking knew. No, but everybody knew because he was a comedian and it was an anomaly. But nowadays, but there was always, dude, there's always been bands, you know, that could sell out places like, like nobody knew who the fuck fish was yeah i never heard of those fucking guys and i remember i went to something and they were headlining i was in boston garden

the fucking place was going crazy i'm like who the fuck are these guys and they sold out boston garden this it's always dude that's always been like me shit but now it's because there's so much shit like everybody's sort of like you can literally have the number one movie in the country and i don't think anybody like a lot of people wouldn't even know who you are no no that tom cruise shit is over like the tom cruise like that shit of like the guy having the movie like now yeah like you said dude now you got i think that's a good thing because i yeah it's cool personally, I wouldn't want that ever. No, because, dude, you could star in a show on Hulu.

I could star in a show on Peacock. Andrew could star in a show on HBO Max. And all of a sudden we go like, who's what? That's the guy from this. You know, it's a different time. Yeah, you'll run into people. Oh, I got a TV show. Oh, you got a TV show.

Yeah, we're in the fifth season yeah well dude i remember someone was on tv you knew even when i came up when there was like 80 channels you still fucking knew dude i remember the old stands a comic comes in and they go oh he's on his fourth season on nbc and dude four people knew him like he was on a sitcom on NBC, and they were like, in his fourth season of so-and-so, and it was just like, yeah, man. That's back when you had like three, four million viewers. You were hanging under the skin of your teeth like you were going to get canceled. Now four million is an over-the-top hit.

Yeah. I don't know, man. It's why you just got to do what you love and be happy with it. No, I think it know, man It's That's why you just gotta do what you love Be happy with it No, I think it's a good thing I think it's a good thing Alright, everybody Well, this was

We had a good time I had a good time This has been episode 71 I had a good time too, Paul I don't know why you felt like you didn't want to include me It just made me feel lonely No, I said we You said we had a good time I had a good time too, Paul. I don't know why you felt like you didn't want to include me. That just made me feel lonely. No, I said we.

You said we had a good time. I had a good time. I mean, all right. I got a little heated with the fucking prevent defense. You know, I like winning people money. Okay? And when I say the fucking Rams are going to cover, and they do cover, but because you fucking win, I gonna get going again i mean he literally prevent defensed himself into fucking a loss this is this is the defending super bowl champions i'm supposed to look at this guy this

guy's a super bowl fucking ring yeah you can't do a prevent deep like it's like if you're dating a girl and you go hard this is probably probably going to be a bad analogy. If you go hard, you're like, I mean, you're beautiful. You take her to dinner. Everything's good.

She's like, Oh, this is amazing. This guy's so nice. He's calm. And then all of a sudden when she starts to like you, you can't back. At the end of the night,

you start blowing her off. Yeah. What'd you say? What's going on? You're looking at your phone. She's like, what? She tells her girlfriend, something happened dude, in the last hour.

Yeah, you're not coming away with a victory, Paul. You got to close the deal to get laid. There you go. That's how we'll button this up. There we go. All right, everybody. Thanks for listening to Anything Better. Apologize for being a little sick.

And anything, Andrew, we don't have any announcements, right? No. Until next week. This my uh concussion tent behind me when i blow my nose if you're wondering we'll see you next week on 72 everybody have a good one oh oh oh oh i'll be at the stress oh my birthday's friday i'm gonna be at the stress factory beautiful new brunswick thursday friday and saturday and i got a big fucking 2023 tour coming up february 2nd and 3rd i'm at gotham i got chicago coming up i got i got rhode island coming up i got toronto coming up i have denver coming up i have tampa coming up i have utah

coming up i have austin coming up it's all going to be on paulverzi.com i'm going to announce the tour soon so check out paulverzi.com. I'm going to announce the tour soon. So check out paulverzi.com for that. The Verzi Effect, the YouTube, the Monday Morning Podcast, the Thursday Fucker Podcast, anything Andrew Demlis has got, the greekfreak.com,

Beverly Hills Kids. Shout out to the Mazzilli Brothers at Gotham. Shout out to the Mazzilli Brothers at Gotham. My wife calls them the Machete Brothers. That's fucking funny. All right, everybody. We'll see you next week. Thank you.