Anything Better? - If A Frog Was Reading

Episode Date: February 27, 2021

what's up everybody welcome back to the best new podcast on the fucking planet episode six anything better with myself bill burr and the great producer andrew themless who's also greek which makes it even that much better. Bill, how are you doing today, buddy? I'm doing great, Paul. You know what I like? I don't know what's going on with the lighting, but somehow you have my coloring and I have your coloring. I look like I've been kissed by the sun. You're looking like me, looking all sickly there. That's going to mess with you for the rest of the podcast. Paul, you got to see Paul get ready for a show. I'll tell you, every time it's just like

when you look in the mirror that that fucking thing you do, man. And all your kids imitate you too. Oh, my kids, my wife. Wait, wait, wait. Like five minutes? Five, ten minutes? Okay, cool. Hang on a second. I don't know what it is you're doing. I do look rather pale

and that's going to bug me throughout this whole thing. I don't worry about it is you're doing. I do look rather pale, and that's going to bug me throughout this whole thing. I don't worry about it. Just imagine actually looking like that in real life. This is just all tricks, Paul. The way you look right now is how I have to walk around looking. Dude, you look. And I have to think, for me, I have to say for me, it's really difficult. Oh, wait, you were going to compliment me.

I'm a married guy. Come here. Bring me a compliment. I need to live off this for the next six weeks. No, you look good, dude. Like, you were going to compliment me. I'm a married guy. Come here, bring me a compliment. I need to live off this for the next six weeks. No, you look good, dude. I always say you look like you're at your fighting weight. You look like if you were going into a bout. I'm a little over.

They would have to cancel the fight. I'd have to run. I'd have to put on the thing. I'd have to puke, you know, put on the zip up. Oh, you'd have to put on the garbage bags. Oh, yeah. Some guy missed a fucking weigh-in by like 20 pounds in the ufc like like he didn't even make the next class above him dude what about vinnie pazienza in his movie they had him he lied he was supposed to be at caesars

for weigh-in and he's up in his room sweating and he's got the bags and his people came in and go vinnie went to the wrong hotel but he didn't he was just in the room sweating, and he's got the bags. And his people came in and go, Vinny went to the wrong hotel. But he didn't. He was just in the room. And then he comes in in like a thong. I know. That cut and weight thing, it's insane. It's insane.

And I'm actually calling it now. Now that there's these amazing female fighters, they'll finally address how unhealthy that is. Did you ever see that, what did she go by lurch or something the thing no what that boogie woman come to get you her fucking name is i don't know i don't cyborg oh oh yeah yeah. She had some fucking. You learned the thing. I know, but I know it wasn't that. But I knew it was something like that.

Dude, I saw her one time cutting weight. I forget what they put her in, like, an ice bath. And she was just sitting there going like. She looked like a little kid. That's like. I just wanted to hug her i'm just like just end this just stop this just have her go in however she weighs you look sweet out you look great you look by the way dude did you see that guy lewis hit knocked that dude out last weekend the past saturday on the ufc the guy a wrestler. He was known for wrestling. So many UFCs lately.

And dude, the guy, Lewis, the big guy, he calls himself like got into black beast or whatever. He's just that dude who always does those Instagrams where he says he's okay. Or she's okay. Rogan tweeted about that guy. All right, dude. So he's going, he's going against the guy that wrestles. And if he gets him on the ground, he'll beat him. And he knew that.

So like the whole, like first first round he's waiting for it and he he's getting beat the whole fight the wrestler's kicking him the wrestler is even even striking better and dude the wrestler finally went to shoot and he uppercutted him you see his jaw go to the side the guy was out cold before he hit the canvas no and then two of the biggest ones while he was out cold and his body just went stiff and limp dude and i was the only thing about the ufc is the ufc after you get knocked out you can catch anywhere from two to another dozen depending on if that ref does like a stutter step trying to get over there yo his leg looked like when you scratch your dog's thigh and it goes

straight out you ever like scratch your dog's ass and the dog's leg just yeah fucking hard to watch man he beat him bad i've never seen somebody do that so he tried to shoot his leg then he dipped and caught him with an uppercut he just talked so honestly he goes look man i know the guy's wrestling like i just waited for it and i timed it i was waiting for that though he was getting beat he would have lost the fight and he just waited and he just the guy's hands are so big just a tree trunk and the guy just went and he's out cold on his way down and then obviously just boom and then you're amazing me about those those ufc fighters is no matter how much you're moving and they can catch you with the knee a foot an elbow elbow, hammer strikes,

Superman fist. But then the second they knock you out and they come in and do this, it's like watching an NBA guy. They miss like 90% of the time. I have to say I was wrong. Once your hands are down, I think it's like so easy. They get in their head like that dude in Bull Durham and they can't throw it to Kevin Costner.

And they actually miss the head. Yeah, yeah. I actually was wrong about the UFC it is absolute king right now boxing has totally fucked up where the fact that Tyson Fury still hasn't fought that kid Anthony Joshua from England and that's like the fight everybody wants to see and meanwhile Dana White goes out to Dubai and he gets that fight island there's main events every other weekend. You get friends over and boxing is fucking dude. They did it, man.

The UFC did it. There's too many hands in the pot is what's going on. The thing about a UFC is it's a monopoly. And as much as that sucks for the fighters, it's great for the fans. And then what happened with boxing, aside from like corruption, is it broke off into the. Yeah, I remember I was a kid, I don't even know what the division – different corporations. It was like the IBF, the WBC, the WBA. And then he's going to try to unify the title.

At any given moment, there could be upwards of three heavyweight champions of the world, you know what I mean? And they sort of like – needed like a guy like a tyson like a totally dominant guy to just unify the title it's a weird thing the whole thing is just uh i don't know the whole thing is the thing is like dana white makes it easy it's like oh you're the number one contender you're fighting the champ there's no there's in boxing it's like i don't know he's gonna move weight classes weight classes. He's going to duck them. That Pacquiao Mayweather thing should have happened fucking six years before it happened.

Ten years. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So it's like, I like the UFC's model is next guy up, rank whoever's in the ranking. I also feel like champions in boxing can duck guys too. They're also part of it. It's not just all the other bullshit.

I don't know enough about it. Can you hear that shit in the background no dude i swear to god man this fucking guy this my neighbors are great but dude they got a backyard you could shoot fucking platoon in all right so this guy gets out there with a leaf blower it sounds like there's like two guys out there sounds like a fucking dirt bike race this is one of the few times I could smoke, sneak, and smoke a cigar if I want to lie to my daughter, which I don't want to do. I told her I quit. In my mind, if I quit, if I'm with you, Paul,

and we're not near my house, I'll go off and I'll have one. But my humidor is empty like my soul. I got nothing left, dude. I got, you know, I got, Paul, I got soda pop. This is like, this is my big rush for the day. Oh boy. I really get crazy, Paul. I get a little, I get a little gobbler, whatever the fuck you call it, a little tumbler. I put some ice in there. If I really want to treat myself, how nice is a nice cold soda for a treat, right? It's just,

but I mean, I know Diet Coke is really not that healthy for you, but you give me a Diet Coke loaded up with ice. I'm a big, big ice kid. I'm big on ice. Hey, Paul, I got a dumb throwaway joke for you. A broken clock is right twice a day, unless it's talking to a woman. Sorry, that was just for me. I like that kid who made his... My lighting is fucking with me, Andrew. Is that better? Oh, Paul, you look beautiful. There you go.

Make yourself tanner than me. I don't know what I have this on, but I am bronzed right now. I'm looking like a ginger Tony Curtis. You look like you just got back from the Bahamas and you were out on the beach all day. You know what? I just got back from therapy. I'm figuring some shit out about myself. from therapy i i'm figuring some shit out about myself um my wife was getting we got on me last night and and what she actually said to me was a huge compliment what'd she say she was just like

you know because last night we had a we had a big one oh paul we had a big one battle royal vince mcmahon should have promoted this one oh i got i had a big one andre the giant stepping over the top rope we aired some shit out you got to do it every once in a while. I mean, we went back like three presidents on this fight, right? It was a good one. So, but I still love her to death, dude. I still love her. Of course. So, it goes without saying.

So, yeah, it'd be really fucked up. I mean, who am I? Don't love her anymore. That's how bad it was. Yeah, don't love her anymore. That's how bad it was. Yeah. Don't love her anymore. I literally felt myself fall out of love. You do the podcast with a suitcase next to you. You're like, this is it.

I'm sorry. I feel like when you fall out of love with your wife, you flash back to where you said I do. And you just start, as she's yelling at you, just going, I don't. No, I don't. I don't want to do. No, I don't. Fortunately, I'm not there. Nowhere near there.

I love my wife to death. We're getting away this weekend. A little stay vacation above the garage. I'm a big spender, Paul. No. I told my wife today, I go, I'm steadfast in this one. We got into it, and I go, I'm not budging. Just so you know, for years, I'm not moving from this position. And you're 100% right. By the way, this is what happens.

I start talking. This is what always happens. I start bitching about whatever the fuck I'm going through. And Paul, ride or die, jumps on. And then he's, I can get, Paul can be in the best move ever. And if I had a little dust up with my wife and I call him up, be like, dude, you know, is it ever good enough? And then within fucking a minute, do you know what else they do? Hey, if you had the conversation, I'm cheering you up. You had me almost leave my home. You said something to me once. And I said, I go put that on me, buddy.

Don't don't fucking put that on me. I actually said you called me up to just talk and needed to talk to a friend. And by the end i actually said i'll fucking walk you think i won't walk and you were just like paul we're talking about me here yeah i thought i was upset i ended up becoming a marriage counselor for you by the end of the conversation oh what was i talking about you? You said, you got a big one. You got a big one. It was a Vince McMahon promoting it.

And then. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So she was trying to tell me what a jerk I was. And she, you know, like a backhanded compliment. She gave me a good one. She goes, because I flipped out last night. And she just goes like, you know, and it's just like, you do that like once a month. And I was like, once a month?

So 12 times a year? I'm a fucking complete asshole? I used to do that every three days. Oh, so you... It's like I'm smoking a cigar every three days. Now I'm down to one a month. Right? You flipped it.

But Paul, can they give you credit? Can they say, hey, you know, you're still an orange cunt, but I'm noticing that you dialed it down. No, they, you know, they got to hold that on you. Absolutely. You want to fucking laugh after the fight, we went ice skating. You know how funny that was?

I'm fucking skating. I'm holding my daughter. We're skating. Lucas is holding the edge. You had to cool off, Paul. You had to cool off. I flew by my wife going, you're doing good. And after a whole, like after a whole big fight.

That's how you know you married the right one. Because a few minutes later, you're laughing or just doing something like, I'm sick of this shit. I'm fucking walking out. All right, dude. And then like five minutes later, you're just like, oh, is that a new blouse? That looks really pretty. It really brings out your eyes. Oh dude you're gonna make me say this i'm gonna tell you this story i've never said this before when lucas was one we went to sears for family pictures right this is true and we're all wearing matching white collared shirts as a family lucas is one me and stacy on the way on the way. On the way. Fuck you. On the way.

Fuck you. No, fuck you. You think I give a fuck? I don't give a fuck. Like, honestly, at that level. I don't give a fuck what she said. I don't even fucking need to do this today. Dude, I'm laying on the ground in Sears with the number one.

There was a foam number one behind us. And I'm going like this. And in between takes takes we're looking at each other shaking each other's head i'm on the floor my arms are around her and i'm going i'm not going to fucking dinner tonight fuck your family or something i said and i'm just and and it was the worst fight and there was a number one and we're all in white fucking polos. What was the number one for? I have one kid or Lucas? No, it was Lucas turning one. Oh.

So like Sears had a family package where like you go and you take the pictures dressed up and they give you the package of pictures. It was divorce level fight. Bill, I swear to God on my life, it was a divorce. Karen, pack up, we're moving i got the i got the sears family pack with your white christmas tree i literally thought that that

weekend we might be over the relationship would be over and i'm and i'm on my fucking elbow like this smiling it was and that's just what's weird about that when you get married that long there's actually an excitement to that that it's almost so not that you want it to be over but there's just this new emotion because everything else is just so on autopilot and you start looking at the whole thing like is this the end of it and i said ah that's just another fight and then you just settle back it's like a storm just went through. Yeah. One time it got so bad that I said, I'm going to be getting, I got to look for one bedrooms tomorrow. While she was yelling, it was bad.

And then you just, listen, man, here's the deal. Couldn't you get yourself a two bedroom, Paul? Use the other one as an office? That's when she'd know you were serious. I'm getting a two bedroom. I'm going to do a podcast out of that to pay the fucking alimony and child support to keep you off my back. And then I'm banging broads in the other one. Somebody said one of the funniest things ever. Somebody goes, this world needs more Cookie Johnsons in it.

Magic's wife? Oh, my God. He goes, that woman, because like Magic was just like, you know what? I'm sorry. I'm leaving. And she like fucking smacked him. And He goes, that woman. Cause like magic was just like, you know what? I'm, I'm sorry. I'm leaving. And she like fucking smacked him. And she goes, no, she goes, we're fucking in there. We've been together since we were a little kid. Like we're, we're in this and don't, and he was just like, but look what I did. I, she goes, no, we're sticking with him. The guy just go, there was like a documentary about this guy just goes, the world needs more cookie shots.

I always just laugh that. Cause she, you want to talk about ride or die. I mean, Hey, he's got a nice fucking bank account. Okay. You can look past some things. No, I'm just saying, man. Yeah. I mean, it's yeah. That's a, I love to see that, man. That's that's a, I don't see it going that way unless you unless you got an nba paycheck if he was a plumber yeah but then again i want to work it out sold the wrench come on nobody sees you the way i do

she's out the door you know what though i went out to target woods i i finally saw the footage i don't watch anything anymore and they kept saying it was they got to operate on his legs that's fucking horrible yeah apparently it was like an insanely dangerous swervy road and he was in a uh a rush and he was going around it didn't have rails and the thing once he's got places to be paul yeah thing rolled and he had like surgery multiple uh issues with the leg and surgery but they said nothing life-threatening and i say he comes back better than ever i bet he comes back with like titanium in his fucking legs and they gotta make the they gotta make the fucking whatever what are you golf guys call the football field there?

They got to make it longer. Oh, the fairway? The fairway. I love Tiger, man. I think Tiger gets a bad rap, you know? By who, though? Not by sports fans. Just by jerk-offs.

They want to be him. Yeah. I mean, listen, the kid went to Stanford. They said he was kind of nerdy. His dad and his parents, he's played golf his whole life. And then the guy takes- You don't need to make excuses for the guy. I'm on board here.

Yeah. That's right. You're not like- Don't tell me he went to Stanford. Now I'm going to hate him. Fucking smart little douche. Reminding me that I didn't study in high school. Fuck that guy.

See what you did? I want more. You know what I want, man? I was thinking about this. And this is going to sound completely stupid how fucked up is it that mexico makes better coke than the united states of america it's a sin and none of you would have thought trump he would have brought that out and bring the sugar back over the wall and put it in our soda pop it's all right nobody's gonna

have better soda than us nobody's gonna going to make better Coke than we make. And people would believe them. People would be like, no, dude, Coke's changed. Trump fucking did it. Those guys would be like, he did it. I swear to God. I have to say, as a comedian, I really miss the, it's so fucking quiet now with Biden. You know, he's like taking a nap right now,

right next to the red phone, just like nodding off in a meeting. Biden looked going in how they mostly look going out. That's hilarious. If that guy's age is eight years, he's going to look like the fucking Crypt Keeper. He came in looking like he was going in year nine. No, dude, I'm getting tired of no Italian. I'm getting tired of no Italian sports hero. And that one kid in the UFC who made his debut, Iron Mike, whatever,

that kid just came in throwing haymakers. And I was like, you know, Rocky was a long time. Wait a minute. What about Vinny Testaverde? Exactly. I mean, you're talking how far am I going back here? Agosti, Andre Agosti, how far am I going back? He was, wait, he was Italian?

I believe he- I thought he was Greek. Dude, he looks like, wow, whoa. You got an Agassi thing about you, man. People told me, one guy stopped me once if I had, yeah, but I mean, he's, you know, he had a fucking- Andre Vergesi. You put a mullet on me and a fucking bandana. Oh, dude, you got to go as him. I mean, it's a while ago.

You got to go as him on Halloween. I'll go full. I'll get the sneakers. I was just going to say that because I was going to say, I know you got the sneakers. Name an Italian superstar athlete. Every year. Ron Howard now.

Huh? Ron Howard now. I? Ron Howard now. I'm going as him. I just wish he would grow a beard. All I gotta do is just grow my shit out on the side and pull my hat down.

Oh my God, dude. You could actually do, if they do a biopic, it's you. What do you mean? Oh my God. I've looked like that fucking guy my whole life.

Oh my God, dude. O.B. to Richie Cunningham to them when he was the ball director. If they do a Ron Howard movie biopic, it is you. You're getting that call. When they get to the final third of his life, yeah, then they call me. You got the hang of it.

Oh, wait. They'll have Andrew Santino. We'll play him on Happy Days. I'll play him after. Now, who's going to play him as a kid? Was he on TV as a kid? He was on TV as a little kid, right? Maybe Opie from Opie and Anthony plays him after. Now, who's going to play him as a kid? Was he on TV as a – he was on TV as a little kid, right? Maybe Opie from Opie and Anthony plays him.

We're at his age now because he's a little bit older than me. But we got to – who's the kid? Is there a redhead – is there a redheaded – when was the last time there was a redheaded kid star? Is he seven? Problem Child. When was that? Early 90s, Problem Child. When was that? Early 90s, Problem Child.

That was the biggest kid. By the way, Paul. Did they license that ACDC song for it? Because I'm a problem child. Wow, Problem Child. Paul, to answer your question about the athletes, to answer your question about the athletes,

the top athletes, most of them are soccer. ACc fans here sorry i'm fucking with soccer yeah but you know i get that but soccer is not an american it's not as an american thing you know dude there was no fucking italian wizards in harry potter i watched that whole fucking thing there was not an italian wizard in the whole fucking series my i watched every movie there was how many italians are in star wars none none there's no why don't you look at the money behind the movie i think that that's where you find all the italians look it's an interesting fucking idea i can't possibly i'm not into space but some of these fucks like it all right tell you Tell you what I'm going to do. I'll give you a couple hundred grand.

You play with your Legos and that furry fucking thing. I like Chewbacca. The fuck? I gave him a couple hundred grand. This guy in a vest talking to a fucking ape. Did you ever... Oh, my God. Oh, God, Bill. i wanted to tell you guys this story on the show so i was a bad kid i was a bad kid man like i i did some shit i should have done i i and i look at it like problem child no like i stole we would break into cars just doing breaking windows

just doing stupid shit as a kid you're italian go ahead continue yeah i couldn't help it okay no i extorted some classmates and uh i worked in a mall remember that chris rock joke where chris rock goes there's the mall and then there's the mall people used to go to in your town well i worked i worked at a candy store in the mall people used to go to and i saw a lot like it was one of those things it was like a chocolate store but then you could come in and get the jelly beans and and put it in the bag and all that and i'm just it was boring nobody came in the mall i would actually like one of the only books i read

i read howard stern's book just sitting there i'm 17 dude and this dude comes in and he's huge and i'm just sitting there and i was going through a time in high school at the time i was going through something this dude comes in and we start talking and i don't know how it came about but he says that he was a semi-pro football player and the guy was really big but he was older like you know he was like gray he must have been like late 40s 50s and he's a semi-pro we start talking and dude out of nowhere i'm just sitting there and he just goes uh because have you accepted jesus christ as your lord and savior right and i'm and i'm you know i'm 17 and i was like listen man you know i believe in i believe in whatever

you know i believe in something but i don't you know exactly no i'm just trying to and he's like i'm gonna pray for you right now i'm just standing there and he just starts like praying and everything and he's done and i'm just like it gets he just starts like praying and everything and he's and i'm just like it gets uncomfortable man and then he was like all right man and he kind of i swear to god he leaned over like to like shake my hand and he did one and he like kissed me on the cheek dude no yeah in a candy store too yeah and and and what was weird is then i let him suck my dick no kidding no so so uh no so i'm freaked out right hey dude another man kissed you tenderly on your cheek in a candy store in an empty mall he was just like all right man like you know you welcome jesus or whatever and

he just kind of like leaned dude and i And I was stunned and frozen. And then, then I knew something was like, and he was like, Hey man, like, you know, I don't want to be weird or anything. He's like, but I'd love to hang out. If you ever want to catch a movie, this guy goes, if you ever want to catch a movie, when are you getting off like of work? And I was just like, Oh, there you go. Yeah. And then I go, I go, Hey man, like I'm not, you know, and it was really like, then I'm like, luckily there was no cell phone, a lot of sugar in the store, but you go. Yeah. And then I go, hey, man, like I'm not, you know, and it was really like that. I'm like, luckily there were no cell phones.

There's a lot of sugar in the store, but not me. You know what I mean? Hey. The jelly beans are over there. Leave me alone. No. You know what? I had a guy approach me one time.

Rest area. I was hanging out in a bathing suit. You know, as you know. I was in a train station. I was hanging out in a bathing suit. You know, as you know, I was in a train station. I was in a Speedo at a rest stop. What do you think? You know, it's getting some vitamin D or whatever the fuck you get from the sun.

Can a guy do that? I mean, they do it in Europe all the time. I'm sorry. I'm cultured. You never been to Greece. I can speed over to Sunoco. The fuck?

Is it still America? I was in a train station, South Station in Boston, waiting to take the commuter rail back out to the suburbs. And this guy just came up to me. And the place was crowded, so it made it less weird. He says, excuse me.

And I kind of looked up. This is when I was really angry, Paul. Really angry guy. He just goes, you know you're an angel? I was like, what? What? And he said it so caringly. I immediately got embarrassed, like, looking around.

I'm going to be like, I don't know this guy. He goes, do you know you're an angel? And I go, no. I go, actually, I'm the devil. I was trying to get rid of him. And every time he kept trying to say that Jesus loves me and everything, I just kept going, he doesn't. If you knew the shit that I just did.

And I think I told him to fuck off finally. Oh, fuck, dude. I was sitting on this. They used to have these big wooden benches, and there was this au bon pont right across. And I can still remember his face. He had a little toad face, fat cheeks with these glasses. Picture in a kid's book, like if a frog was reading,

like what it would look like. That's what this guy looked like. And he was just going like, you know you're an angel? Oh, fuck, Bill. Dude. Oh, my God. That is the funny. I don't even know.

What did you like? You know what? You were probably angry. So that's why you went right to the devil thing. What I would do now, I figured out in your story, that if somebody goes, have you accepted Jesus? Be like, yeah yeah I did that I did I did it's been tremendous yeah he's sitting on my shoulder right now you want to talk to him no I don't do that I want to get rid of him yeah no just on my shoulder and he went over there

yeah no what he did was never touched the carpet yeah no I think i think that us talking football and him saying i played semi-pro football i think like what his plan was was to kind of build that rapport and then he fucking so it put me in a spot where he was like oh there's a nice guy you got sexually assaulted i guess so yeah i mean come i mean can you just walk up to a fucking chick in a candy store ask her if she's into jesus and then tenderly kiss her on the cheek you felt violated you felt uncomfortable i did well you need to come forward with your story i actually gotta actually gotta tell my therapist no seriously hashtag bald guys too let's get that going uh i can't get the guy it's past uh what is it the statue of limitations statue of liberty uh yeah man that was a fucking that was a really fucking

weird one dude and then he was like when do you get off do you want to go to the uh movies one time and i was just like nah man i'm i'm i'm good like i'm like let's let's keep it to the prayer and uh dude i don't want to mention any names but i remember one time i was in a green room in a comic and his manager were like hey man we're but i'm actually i am a spiritual guy they were like hey do you want to get in this prayer before the show and i was like yeah and they were like oh god make us have a good time it was like a very kind but that i can only do that if they're black they were then you can do it then like religion is cool with black people when white people get into religion it just gets

weird and creepy there is something getting fucked it's just weird it's just you know yeah when white people nobody watching them white guys at the top. So it's just, there's no ceiling. So then they can get wild. So you don't, you don't, you don't really know what you're walking into. So I have like a, I'm like reverse racist when it comes to, uh, is that right? Yeah. Reverse racist when it comes to prayer. to prayer. I like, dude, I love when the, I love watching the reporters in sports. You guys just won a Superbowl, man. You had more tackles than any linebacker since the seventies. What do you think? He's like, I first want to say, you know, my Lord and savior. And he does it. And when you watch the reporter's face, when they do it, you could tell if the reporter is not religious or religious by the way.

Yeah. Like the reporter that doesn't want anything to do with it. They, they kind of just go right quick to the next question and ignore it. But then the ones that like it, they're like, they're like nodding. And like,

I remember Dion Sanders was doing an interview and he was all about it. He was like, yeah. How about Dion Sanders? You heard what happened to him? Yeah. was doing an interview and he was all about it he was like yeah yeah how about Deion Sanders you heard what happened to him is it any of my business no I'm keeping him where he is and one of the greatest corners I've ever seen in my life I love that guy it's not that I wouldn't do that to Deion that's prime time he coached his first um he coached his team for the first time i guess uh the i don't know what division they're in but they won his coaching debut they won 53 to nothing

and then in and he comes in where's he coaching and he ah man saint john or something ju i don't know what it is it's a college program it's a college program but it's like they're in they're in like their spring they won 53 they won 50 i think it's college i hope it's not high school i could be getting it wrong anyway it's his alma mater he always wanted to do it they won 53 nothing and he comes at a press conference and he's like this is one of the most he goes this is one of the most amazing feelings that i've ever had as a professional in sports ever. And when I go to my office to digress and think about it, they went into my locker. They stole everything.

He goes, they stole my watches. They got my credit cards. They got my wallet. He goes, lucky I had my chains on. And he just fucking went in. And then I guess apparently somebody saw the crime being committed. They saw who did it. And they got him. And they got all his stuff back. But he went saw the crime being committed. They saw who did it and they, they got him and they got all his stuff back,

but he went into the fucking thing hot. And yeah. You know what? If that was a Hollywood movie, you go, but they can have all that. Cause nothing beats the feeling. I see you guys go out on that field.

I like to thank the Academy. Did they find the Rolex? I'm a prop comic now, Paul, you missed it. And they find the Rolex? Look at me. I'm a prop comic now, Paul. You missed it. Then they showed Deion running. They just showed him running before the game, and I was like, oh, my God. Oh, my God.

What people don't understand about Deion Sanders was how good of a baseball player he was. He would literally get on a jet, and he flew to Atlanta to play in a fucking playoff game for the Braves right yeah World Series and got like a double stolen bases he was a Yankee I love when he poured the water over Tim McCarver and he's going you're a real man Dion you're a real man it's like well come on man you're up in the booth he can't hear you and you're talking all this crap about him oh I remember that I think I do now, yeah.

You know what? I probably shouldn't bring that up because they probably buried the hatchet a long time ago. I liked Tim McCarver. But, you know, as a man, you have to understand that at some point, somebody needs to dump a bunch of fucking Gatorade on top of you because you're being an asshole.

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a travel cover, and a travel sizesize body wash. It's an incredible great deal, but act fast while supplies last. Go to Harry's, H-A-R-R-Y-S dot com slash anything to redeem your offer. I found out why McCarver hated the Yankees and the Red Sox. Are you going to go St. Louis? He was a Cardinal. Me and you would always talk, and we would always say the same thing. I would go, this guy hates the fucking Yankees.

I'm watching the game. I know what I'm hearing. This guy hates, and you would go, I'm telling you, he doesn't like the Red Sox. And then I found out the teams that didn't want him were the Yankees, the Red Sox, and a couple teams passed on him. And he got the Red Sox back in 67, the impossible dream. We ended up losing in seven games bob get bob gibson oh god just shut us down he just passed away rest his soul yeah there's not gonna be like i'm telling you i'm telling you do you know like when white guys bitch about like now he can't get any rolls anymore. All the fucking parts are gone.

I go, yeah, you know what? You know what's funny? Jackie Robinson came in the league and guys like Mickey Mantle were able to stick around. So I don't know. Maybe your bavacqua is fucking, you see that Tommy Lasorda thing? You never saw that? I'm not worried about fucking some guy hitting 190. Oh, I saw that.

When I was pitching, I would have sent a fucking limo to bring your ass down to the park. Oh, he called him a cocksucker or something? He's got a fucking, motherfucking big mouth. That guy's a fucking, motherfucking big mouth. Hey, there you go. We just figured it out. Those are my Italian heroes.

Fat baseball managers were Italian. Lou Piniella. Lou Piniella. They don't make them like that. You know, Tony La Russa. He wasn't fat, but Tony La Russa is a good man. Tommy Lasorda. Who else was Italian? Joe Torre, Italian. Joe Girardi, Italian. Wait, Terry Francona? I'd have to say Terry Francona. Terry Francona has got to have to say Terry Francona. Terry Francona's got to be Italian. All right. When you bring up all of those guys, as far as like guys, guys, then I got to go outside Italian.

I got to throw in Dusty Baker. Oh, Dusty Baker. You got to love Dusty Baker. I mean, that guy, he is baseball. Yeah. There's not like a lot. I'm trying to see like now everything like just seems so like hd and squeegeed and so clear that i think even if you are like sort of like those guys look like they could be baseball managers and they could also be in like a spaghetti western you

know what i mean they're just like guys guys i love oh my god i remember what was his name tony no mazilli mazilli uh lee mazilli lee mazilli was the first base coach for the yankees and they made a bad call at first and and lee mazilli is standing there and he's looking at tory in the in the dugout he's going joe no joe no it was the most i it was it was a fucking italian dinner fucking Italian dinner on a baseball field. He's going, no, no. It was the greatest. I was like, I can do this.

It ain't right, Joe. It ain't right. It was good fellas on the baseball field. That's amazing. No, Joe. I don't think people understand how cool baseball still is. I just hate how everything has just become so offensive. Dude, I can sit there.

You give me a bottle of bourbon and a box of cigars. I can get through nine inks. I'll fuck with you. Like a pitcher's duel. I can sit and watch that. But when I watch a baseball game, I have to be all in. I'm talking like keep and score. Go full old man shit. like when I watch a baseball game, I have to be all in. Like I'm talking like keeping score. Yeah.

Go full old man shit. And I could literally sit there and I could watch a double header, but it's a hard game to just jump in on. Well, I try to get caught up. What's going on. Yeah. I think what you said is right. I think with baseball and basketball, having, I mean, football and basketball having such instant fast guys are dunking 360 dunks in a game football players are jumping over linebackers now

it's like i think when you watch baseball it is so much so they want to slow speeding it up they want like a timer and they want to well it definitely is all that stepping out of the batter's box and stuff like the best thing they could do for the integrity of the games if they sped it up but don't change any of the rules don't have any like but if you hit it all the way out of the park it's a two-run homer like even if there's nobody on base like that's stuff like yeah i saw last night people were telling me what's that what's that guy docic how do you say don't chich don't ch. Do-chi-ch. The fucking guy on Dallas. Oh, Luka Donich? Donich.

Oh, D-O-N-C-I-H. Whatever. That kid is under. The refs blew the whistle. He had the ball. He was past half court, but he was still standing on the Mavericks logo center court. I don't even think he left his feet. He just went like this.

Nothing but net. Like he took a foul shot and he was probably like three feet in from the half court line. Insane. And he hit it. And he hit it. Yeah. Him, it didn't count, but I'm just saying, you know, the breath blows the whistle and you just pull up anyway. And none of the announcers addressed it because it didn't count. But I was just like, that was, that reminded me. I saw Kevin Durant do that when I saw him at key arena, his rookie year, when he played for the Seattle Sonics,

like, like five times, he had the ball behind way behind the three point line. And they blow a whistle because of some foul across thing. And he would just turn around and go like that. And every time it went in and the Seattle fans fans would go like oh every time he did it because they were like oh because it was still up in the air if they were going to leave they ended up leaving like the very next year but they they were seeing like oh my god this this kid is the future um steph curry same thing steph curry they say like when just fucking around he'd be literally almost at half court four in a row. And then they just showed a clip of him hit five in a row from half court. Like he was at the foul line.

And then he just like, all right, let's start the game. He's he is. I mean, he broke our hearts last night at the garden and it was the first time we had fans. He's like a globetrotter, but he's playing in the NBA. His shooting is really like, it's unbelievable. Um, I gotta tell you though, man, I don't, I know it's going to sound stupid, but these NBA players that are like 6'10", 6'11", I'm not impressed. It's like you're 6'11", man. You know, it's like they should have a league for guys 6' and under, a pro league.

Oh, okay. That's actually a decent idea. 6' and under pro league because okay that's a fresh that's an actually a decent idea six foot and under pro league because you should pitch that to ice cube ice cube had that that uh that three on three that was fun to watch yeah no well it was but like when i see like a guy 6 11 get a quick rebound and go up and dunk it i understand his talent and how hard it is to be that coordinated that big. But do you ever see a guy like five, nine, like Nate Robinson come up and dunk? It's like nuts. Yeah. His ankles are where your eyes are. Yeah. That's yeah.

We should pitch that dude. We pitched that, you know, we go press, you know, we'll do a Dana white thing. We'll we'll we'll get a gym talk to some of your friends there paul from back in the day they bankroll the league oh they're all up now you know what i have delusional friends that'll be like give me a month give me two months i'll do it i'll dude let me get in shape what What's the pay? We'll get six teams. We'll get six teams. Dude, if you had an under six foot league, there'd be a bunch of guys looking like us with hairy backs.

Like you couldn't have like the tits. Hey, any- You call it the bad jeans league. Hey, how about this? Anything better podcast fans fans write us what the name of the league would be top names of that league six feet and under basketball league but try to make it semi-serious i'd like to see what like his club for men league that would be funny guys that weren't shaved just i mean how many ankles? There would be doctors.

Almost Apes League. All these hairy-armed, hairy-backed fucking guys with like one eyebrow. Just guts. I don't know why if you're under six feet, all of a sudden you're just looking like me. They call me orangutan. He knocks down that 12-footer like nobody. I'mer like nobody i'm laughing we should just go all in you got to be under six feet you have to be bald and you can't shave your head either you got to have the fucking landing strip you just got to be hairy yeah you have to wear like you got to wear the 1960s where it was almost like a Freddie Mercury tank top where it came down like that.

And short shorts. You just come out there with your spider legs, tarantula legs. Suck my cock. I'll murder your family. He goes, all right, you're right. He goes, what'd I say? What'd I say? What'd I say?

Oh, my God. What was that? Semi-pro. Semi-pro. Jackie Moon. Suck my cock. I'll murder your family. He goes, you're right, because you said S-M-I-C. Dude, that's what we got to do. Under six foot balding. They don't have to be fully bald, but definitely receding. Balding is so much funnier than bald. Yeah, receding. Balding is like seeing mid-tragedy. I tragedy i mean you and me you're just sifting

through the ashes the movie's over they're rolling the credits you want somebody just going through it oh this center's 5 11 with the giant toupee the shit's sliding by the second quarter all the commercials are like for like sneaker inserts and just just old man stuff all the creams and the but the thing is if you get in the league you have to want it oh you gotta want it and the trophy's just like the nba trophy except it's got hair on the side of it with like it's a 12 game regular season it's listen it's a 12 game regular season playoffs and afterwards they do the interview in the parking lot and you got your trunk open you're sitting there drinking beers and you can say whatever you want you can't get fined by the league oh okay something about that piece of verzi if he punches me in

the nuts one more time when the rep isn't looking i mean the guy's praying for me at the valley I mean, the guy's praying for me at the fucking valley. Oh, oh my God. Yeah. That's fucking great, dude. No, but seriously. Hey, what was this thing you sent me on that? I missed, I just, I'm so busy, dude. I don't fucking, I don't, I got an anything better for you.

Yeah. Is there anything better than teach? Is there anything, am I getting too loud again? people say i get too loud when i lean in um is there anything better than teaching your kid how to ride a bike you know what no dude that that pregnant pause scared the out of me i'm like of all the ones he's gonna bat down you're gonna go after my child paul you know what it brought me back to it brought me back to andrew can we roll back the tape on that that fucking pregnant pause you like i was hanging in the balance you're an actor man no my you pulled me in i want to see the rest of that scene you're in it made me think of my grandfather rest his

soul because he did it and like he would hold the bike and he would let me go because during the day and my grandfather was the one who taught me it so when you said that I was thinking about it but yeah no it's a and once they get going and they know they could do it and you're like oh you're doing it you're doing it like it's it's great I grew up in the 70s so I taught myself I'm sorry to bring it up I actually did my older brother kind of helped me out, and then I figured it out. But no, they got those balance bikes now, man. I went off on it on my podcast just talking about how fucking stupid it was and how they're going to get hurt.

It's the exact opposite. It's brilliant. And if you're still using the training wheels you don't like everybody all the dads i knew would put them level with the back tire no you can't belching up the soil you want them a little bit higher so you're learning and then it's supposed to just help you these shits they used to put them on the ground so you could just get on the bike yeah you didn't have to balance you just leaning on the thing one of them's up in the air you're just riding down the street yeah no man i i when and the excitement on your kid's face when they start going and they

look at you they're just like it's the wobble it's the closest thing i would think a bird has to seeing it's it's it's thing it's little bird fly what are they called too does a bird call it a son it's chick or is that too misogynistic what do bird call it a son? It's chick. Or is that too misogynistic? What do you call it? You got to watch it now, Bill. You know, I was listening to Anything Better, and they got the sexual.

I saw half a clip from a podcast, and now I'm going to say who they are as human beings. I'm another bored white chick who doesn't shave her armpits anymore, so now I think I have something to say. Oh, dude, did you see the thing I sent you with the airplane? Yeah, I saw that. Dude, those people were flying from, for the people that don't know, United Airlines had a plane, I guess a 777, man, which I flew from New York to France.

Lucky sevens, Paul, you're getting on that plane. And I loved it. And it was smooth as glass. But the engine is huge. And this guy took a video of the right wing breaking apart and on fire. And debris was like... The engine.

Yeah, yeah. What did I say? The wing. You can lose an engine. You can't lose a wing. Fucking wing fell down. I don't know how we landed no uh and told us all to lean to one side and i don't know how he did it they were going to honolulu man and he goes i got a mayday i got to turn around and like they i don't know how the fuck but debris from the engine was just hitting the street at like into it didn't hit anybody thank god dude if i was on that plane i mean do you know me what do you mean thank god

you don't know who it almost hit they could have been a fucking asshole what if it's some serial killer he's got somebody locked in the fucking basement but just because you're in colorado you're a good person and a fucking 777 shouldn't drop some of its engine on you? That would be epic irony. That would be epic. That would be the irony of that. Guy's got three women in his basement and he goes outside. He's like, shut the fuck up.

I'll be right back. And then a debris from the plane just crushes him. Do you know how much shit the local police department would get from all the other police departments around there? Hey, thank God that shit fell out of the fucking sky. God knows you guys weren't doing your fucking jobs. By the way, how many women do you have to have tied up in a basement before you guys start noticing people are missing? Should we give the medal to united or your department oh my god dude but dude seeing that thing on fire fucked me up though man because like that's my ultimate and sometimes i get a wing seat and i always look and i look to see if metal's doing

this i always look to see if everything's bolted down. You know, the fucking stupid shit that I do on an airplane. You know, one time I said, I thought that there was- Don't get nervous if they lose one. You're still all right. Because that other one not only has to have enough power for you to maintain altitude, you also have to be able to climb. Like those things are no joke. And jet engines are really light compared to actually having like, you know, a fully aspirated or carbureted engine. Like those jet engines are not, I mean, not on a, on a commercial one, but as far as how big that thing is, it's a lot lighter than you think. I got an anything better for you. Okay. Anything better than saying to your wife, anything better than saying to your wife hey tomorrow we go for a roll in the hay and she goes yeah that's pretty good that's a good deal can i use that line yeah but guess what it didn't happen

of course it doesn't she knew it wasn't when she said it he's gonna forget i'm gonna get busy uh all right bill i got a question for you if If you could ask, I threw some names at you, but I'm going to just give you like three guys. Okay. If you could ask these three athletes one question and they had to answer, had to. All right. What would you ask these three? I'm going to go first. I'm going to go first. Joe Montana. Okay. Michael Jordan. Okay. And Muhammad Ali. All right. Joe Montana. What's your favorite restaurant in San Francisco? Because if I ask him a football question, he's not going to fucking answer it. Yeah. But here's the thing. What if the pandemic took that restaurant out and now you've depressed him?

Then we'd have that moment. All right. And for the first time ever as a fan, I would see no joy in his eyes. Because all that man did was win. All right. What about Jordan? Where do you get your Cuban cigars? Oh, it's a good one.

Paul, I want to have conversations with these people. I'll tell you a little fucking story, Paul. Who's the last one? Muhammad Ali? Yeah. Muhammad Ali, I'd tell him a street joke. I just try to make him laugh. But if he would answer anything? Oh, if he would answer anything? He would answer anything you asked him.

I'd say, do you think it's ever going to end? I get where you're going. I know what you mean. Because he traveled the world and he met everybody. Right. So who had a better insight than him? All right. So this is the reason for my line of questioning. Okay. One time I was doing stand-up, believe it or not,

when they're giving out the Cy Young and all of that shit in New York City, when they're giving out the big fucking awards and all of these guys were there, right? So for some reason, they thought they needed a comedian because they were worried that these baseball players were going to freeze up and it might be a little boring. So I was supposed to come in there and be the dancing monkey. So not only, dude, they were fucking hilarious. Dude, they're all guys, guys. They're athletes.

They hang around in locker rooms and shit. They know how to break balls. Dude, Willie Randolph had just signed on to coach the Mets. And he was talking shit to Joe Torrego. I'm coming for you guys. I'm coming. It was unbelievable. They were so funny and so great at telling stories

that i like forgot i had to go up and i was sitting next to david wright he was a rookie was after his rookie year wow and he could tell i was nervous he goes what are you worried about you do this all the time i go you fucking guys play the world series i'm not supposed to be here i go if you had to go tell these stories and we were all comedians you'd be fucking nervous i wish i said that i didn't. Just thought of that now. So I went up there. And that was the year the Red Sox won. Finally.

And Joe Torre made some comment making fun of the Red Sox fans. So I kind of got. He laughed. He was totally cool. Like, everybody was cool. So afterwards, I came up and I got to talk to Bernie Williams. Okay. So the obvious question is,

holy shit, what's it like to play center field for the New York Yankees? Even as a Red Sox fan, I know that that's like Joe DiMaggio, Mickey Mantle, all the way down the line, right? And I didn't. Instead, I just happened to catch him on New York One playing with his band. He went to music school. He's like a real musician. He was playing, jamming, and playing a solo, not looking while he was playing. I just talked to him about music, and he just locked in. I had an amazing 90-second conversation before this other Yankee, who I'm not going to name, an amazing 90 second conversation before this other Yankee who I'm not going to name, who I have not said his name yet in this story, just came up like sideways like this, was not looking at me, was just staring at the side of Bernie's head. So he kind of had the, I just sort of backed off because I thought the guy was mad because I made fun of the Yankees for blowing of three games to none lead and he had like psycho athlete energy so i was like

uh and but it was also like sort of like a family man kind of guy so i was thinking like well i also said one time so maybe he was offended by he just did not want to talk to me and both of them had world series rings and i didn't so i was like yeah i get it i get the pecking order clowns backing up and that was it so i learned in that moment that like if you're if you meet somebody like that the last thing they want to talk it's like somebody come up to you see your comedian tell me a joke so how do you write a joke yeah but if someone sat down and talked to you about you know the giants or sneakers yeah on a plane you'd be like i could talk to you that, you know, the giants or fucking sneakers on a plane, you'd be like, fuck, I can talk to you. That's happened a number of times. I've been on planes. I've sat next to

somebody like, like, I can't believe I'm sitting next to this guy. And all you have to do is talk about anything other than, you know, who they are and what they do. Cause they are, they, they are so bored of talking about is what I find. Yeah, no, I, I was, I was on an airplane landing in Westchester airport and we were four feet off the ground and then boom, shot back up. And I mean, and, and everybody just, I mean, when I tell you, we almost touched down, I was actually waiting for the impact to land. And then he just shot back up and everybody's looking around. Nobody said anything. And I was thinking, dude, I was you, we almost touched down. I was actually waiting for the impact to land. And then he just

shot back up and everybody's looking around. Nobody said anything. And I was thinking, dude, I was like, I just saw my fucking car. Like nobody's saying anything here. And then he goes, oh, there was a, you know, there was a, what's it called that he, a wind shear. And he's like, we had to try that again. And Mark to share was on the plane and um everybody was kind of like we tried it again in the wind of the second time and i'm going i don't think he's he's gonna go do it again and he we hit so hard that everybody's head went up and everybody screamed and one dude was like i fly every i've never had something hit that hard so to share and i were walking off and i'm a big yankee fan so and i'm fascinated with um

aviation so i was like i gotta see what this guy thought of that right and i just we kind of were like walking the same place and i go that was nuts and he just goes oh he goes that was scary right and i was like yeah and like this is a guy who you know was major league baseball players on an airplane you know all the you know and then uh and then that was it. But I noticed that if I could tell he was a guy, if I would have been like, I'm a Yankee fan, he would have been, you could just tell, you know, you could just, you know, what's funny is if you could have actually looked out the front of the plane, how much they probably had to crab into the wind like this, he was probably coming in like fucking like this. And at the last second, coming in like fucking like this and at the last second okay and just get the thing down dude it's bananas and you got 300 people's lives on your little fingers they're coming in like this

oh man um then you have to make the decision you have to make the decision to go around again also with the pressure I think that you have to qualify why because that's like live that's like five ten grand in fuel to go back around and get in line again oh yeah it's like you just can just whip around you got to go back there's a whole procedure to doing that that's why like when they go back up again you shouldn't be scared because there's a whole procedure. The first time I've had a number of aborted landings, you know, throughout my standup career, the first time it happened, I was just, we're going to hit something because we weren't supposed to be here a second ago, but there is a whole procedure.

Then you go back up again, you're fine. Then you just, you just come back. You're in the downwind and then it's it's spacing and sequencing by the the types of planes how fast they need to be going where they're going to put you in again and during all of that time those giant fucking engines how much they burn that alone or maybe it's just going full and going back up again what you burn through is like 10 grand in fuel so if you do that these corporateunts, I think, if there's any commercial pilots out there, I think this, if I'm remembering it correctly, you have to kind of say what, you know, they're like, well, what happened there? I don't give a shit if there was babies on the plane. Why didn't you try to slide into second base with that one?

But I'm always amazed by the pilot. When you listen to the recordings, how fucking chill they are. Like, do you think they're like that at home with their wives? When she's like, how the fuck can you do this? You're walking in fucking late. I don't know when you're coming in. I'm making dinner. And he's like, sweetheart, let's talk about this. We, we're going to say. Wife's in a bad mood. I thought i was coming home to a blow job tower i'm coming back i'm coming back tower looks like i got my dick in my hand again tonight uh

you need somebody to cover that third ship i'll be there in about 20 minutes yo that guy sully was literally the chances of that man dying on that airplane. And I've never heard a guy sound like he was going to get a beer as a matter of factly in that moment ever. I think you have to do that or else. And I think you also, as you're working your way up there, you would have cracked on the way up. Like just when you first started flying those puddle jumpers where you got like eight passengers and some geese fly in front of you and you're just up there and that's why they don't have the wall so they can hear you up there going like oh freaking out you get enough bad reviews and that's it i think once you get up to that

that jumbo jet level you got that that Joe Montana. Those guys are amazing. I just heard a crazy story. I don't know. I don't feel comfortable telling it. But just as far as what this guy did, the situation he got into, and he was smiling and he was totally relaxed. Yes. No, I just want to make sure.

I want to thank everybody actually who's been listening to anything better and make sure that you go to itunes and rate us and leave a review that really helps we really appreciate that get it on spotify anywhere you get um your podcast we appreciate it you know i gotta ask you some fashion questions because people they're all you know they're loving your whole sneaker vibe and all that shit i gotta ask you about the hoodie yeah are you a do you is that a new hoodie no okay so you're a keep the strings in guy because there's two types of hoodie guys there's the take take the fucking string out i'm never going to use this no i never ever ever remove the string you feel that that the string is the gold chain of

the hoodie yeah it brings something to it it brings it i'm uh yeah the string has to be on for me it's part of it it's almost like you're missing a belt with your pants as far as i'm i actually agree with that even i would even say with a pullover but i can give somebody a break you know how some guys they do it i don't know those big neck guys they take the string out and then they cut something here yeah no i'm not you know i like the fucking traps no i don't like my shoulders in my pec what happens i didn't even do this this just just happened by way, your sneaker game, I got to be honest, I've seen a couple of clips of you lately with your Jordan 1s.

You got the mocha color ones. All gifts. All gifts. My wife got me those for Christmas because of you. She asked you about those. The gray ones, the smoke ones, Pete Davidson got me as a gift for doing King of Staten Island. smoke ones pete davidson got got me as a gift for doing king of staten island and then the ones that i wanted that i wore i wore on the rich eisen show the kevin mckale converse yes uh uh what's his

face got me that um well well i got whoa i got him through him let's not get you know let's you know let's give credit where credit's due yeah but he got him salvocano got him yeah no he did he he said he could get him and i go can you and he got he came through big and i gotta tell you something when your wife reached out and was talking about those sneakers i got so happy that you were getting them i was like oh you would have thought i was getting them i go really do you know she came out to see my show the other night i did a show and uh out in venice and she came out and i wore him oh first time i wore him on stage had a great set too paul lucky jordan the jordan ones make you have a better set i think the jordan ones do something i think jordan ones even if you're having a bad set people think you're having a good set because there's enough sneaker heads in there all giddy just to see a brand new pair of sneakers. Did I ever tell you that time I

was on stage? I can't remember where I was. I might've been Rhode Island or somewhere else. And somebody was just, it was Boston. It was Boston. And somebody was looking at my brand new Jordan threes and mid set. I just, as I saw them look and I go, I know, I know. Did they laugh? Oh, I go, I know. And then I i told craig i was looking at the jordans i mean how could you not and i go i know i saw it and everybody just started laughing i had brand my favorite the jordan threes those are the white ones right with the asphalt thing on the side yeah those are the ones those are the ones i always wanted to get i you just can never get them. And that's the thing that stops me from a lot of those sneakers

where it's just like, dude, I don't want to have to fucking go down some goddamn alley. No. You know, some guy, yeah, you want to buy a watch? I got some Jordan 3s over here. It's just like, why don't they make enough of them? Yeah, and they overcharge. Everybody wants them.

They overcharge too for a good pair of Jordan, for a real white cement, Jordan threes, they're overpriced, especially at places like, you know, I don't want to mention names because who knows, but, uh, Hey, I want them to send them. No, but they, they go to $300 more because they can't. How much are they? Well, when I was out in LA and me and you went and Stacey was there, we saw a pair for 800 bucks. And my wife goes, my wife goes, fuck it. I'll just get them. And I go, I can't let you do that. She goes, Paul, you've wanted them for so long. I'll just get them. And I go, Stacey, I'm not having you spend 800 for these. And I ended up later getting them

for about 350, but they can just, when, when they, when they're 50, 350, and then you're out and I got to take a piss and you're wearing them. You walk into a public bathroom. Y'all rookies do that. You know what the move is. You know what the move is. Rookies do that. The move is you buy two of them. And one is always in the closet for safety. Okay. Always. And you just know it's there. You just know it's there clean. God forbid's there clean god forbid it's a reserve and then you have those on it's there this is hilarious you know it's there for what you know that you have two so if god forbid something happens on the sneaker a scuff something happens at the airport somebody rolls their fucking luggage you know you have enough

how is that not gonna happen you you're it's they're on your feet you saw me walking in the snow dude i'll tell you right now the two body parts you don't want to be if body parts were people are your hands in your feet somebody goes to stab you you go like this an animal comes you bring your fucking you feed them your foot yeah you know what i say this is this is the best thing to be this is what you protect the most your face your head and your vitals but your limbs can go fuck themselves yeah it's just how you're wired i told my kids when they were on the ice skating i go you go down hands down first no matter your hands gotta brace it so you you know you block the head i didn't think it was gonna end that way there you go down and you you bring you bring disgrace to the versi name

you're walking home with those fucking skates on okay that's what i'm saying by the way i still disagree with you on one thing i have to and and we're gonna have this fight for life but you said to me, you said, you said, I only care if I want to. Women empowerment. You said to me, the way you get, you learn. My name is Luca. Those songs used to make me angry. did he beat him how about a kid the kid's getting abused and i would get mad because it was bringing up feelings like i felt bad for the luca kid it was like i fucking hate this song it's making me feel empathy that's like how angry i was

just deal with it luca like the rest of us luca needs to grow the fuck up why don't you live on the third floor you dumb fuck you can't count um what's your song bill you you said to me said to me the way you learn how to ice skate the way you learn to ice skate is to get thrown into it. And I agree with that in a, in a certain sense, but Bill, you didn't tell me you're going to slide around the floor and your socks. No, no, no. I'm going to, you know, I'm going to tell my version and then you tell me yours.

I don't even remember saying this and I'm already, I don't even know what you're going to say. And I'm already defending myself. Go ahead. Okay. Me and Bill, I had the, I had the honor and pleasure of opening for bill in canada no we bill took me on a 20 day i think this is like eight years ago we started in monkton and we ended in victoria 20 day bender a 20 day did stand up on yes and we went from fucking monkton across the whole thing and I bought hockey skates and we would go to ponds we would go to that that frozen over river in Ottawa we did all kinds of skating

then Bill says oh man I got something lined up when we go granted I haven't been on skates in a long time Bill goes I got something that river Paul's only like a foot deep because I thought we were on like some sort of little outlet too because i just kept thinking the omen if this thing breaks and i'm going underneath all these happy canadians oh no oh with their sticks but i found it's only like a like a foot deep they just let it you got to do the river a and i thought it was smooth and it had fucking bumps the size of fucking shoes. But how great was it? It was great. It was great. And then Bill says to me, now, granted, I got my little feet wet in Ottawa on that pond.

Remember the mother and that like five year old, the kid was jumping around. And then we did the oval in Nova Scotia, all that. And Bill goes, I got something lined up, man. When we go to when we go to Montreal, we're Montreal, we're just going to play like a little. So we go in and all of a sudden, next thing you know, we meet up with Bruce Hills of Montreal. Shout out to Bruce. And he brings friends. And then all of a sudden these guys were like semi-pro and we're in a locker room. They weren't semi-pro. That was Stéphane Richer, number 44 in your program from the Montreal Canadiens. Okay. Well, I didn't know that.

Bruce Hills knows people. So I'm in a locker room now. I'm in a fucking locker. I've had skates on for two weeks and the first time in my life since I'm a little kid. And now he goes, oh, you're going to play in this fucking game. And I remember Bruce Hills goes, you have to, Paul, you have to have a helmet. You have to have a helmet.

Luckily, he brings me a helmet. And for some reason, I thought I could score because I'm one of those. I'm going to score. And I had no idea what I was doing. I had no idea. And I start going actually towards the thing. And the puck is coming.

And I thought I could score. And my legs just whipped around. And my head cracked next to the goal. And everybody heard it. And Bruce's wife and them are like this and he's like are you all right are you all right thank god i had that helmet on and i and he was like dude you could have been killed and i just don't know how i'm in this game i'm scared i don't know how to skate and then afterwards bill goes that's how you learn that's

how you learn i'm going i didn't i almost got killed and i'm playing with professionals like that's not how you learn like that that be like saying- That's how I learned. That was wild. My mother just dropped me and my brother off at a pond. We couldn't skate. She came back four hours later and we could kind of skate. Snow all over us. I got to give you credit.

I could skate better because of that though. I went today with my kids and my daughter was like, daddy's good. The first time I played hockey with a helmet and everything like that. I fucking was in the middle because it's different than just skating around playing. Like you're playing like, uh, you know, pick up hockey on a pond and nobody has any shit, no lifting and all that. It's different.

But when I actually played with like pads and all of that shit, yeah. I remember like, it just, it's even with just people who suck like me, it's just a lot faster. And I fell down, went back, and my head went like that. And I just, I heard the plastic hit. And I was just like, even then your brain still gets a little rattled. And I was just like. You don't suck, dude.

You don't suck. We went out there. You're like, oh, I'm not that good. And then I remember going on stage going, this cocksucker said he's not that good. He starts twirling around like Dorothy fucking Hamill. dude i know i'm i'm no i'm not good at all i'm not good at all i am fun i i skate good enough that i'll make you look good when you go around me and believe you will you will go around me i haven't skated in five years though so i probably lost a lot that i learned i just uh i went through you know sciatic nerve issue, efforts for family

started cranking. And then, uh, my shoulders, you know, do my shoulders. Oh, I'm back though. I got full fucking mobility. I'm doing the bands doing all of these fucking things. Nice. Yep. That's the new thing. And I'm not going back to weights. I just had to admit it, Paul, I'm going to give you your money. I had a bet with you I was going to be able to do fucking 10 pull-ups when I was 70. The second I made that bet, my fucking shoulders were done, and I was like 47, and I could do 15, three sets of 15, and then that was it.

It was over. You never say never. You never know, man. A supplement could come out, brings you back. Well, if you're you're gonna let me do that i'll go do that fucking kobe shit i'll have my blood spun over in transylvania and i'll come back better than ever no no no nothing elite you can't do anything it's got to be within the legal ramifications no hgh but they're gonna have something for them you know bone you know uh it'd be like the cbd like uh that roll on shit right cbd i'll let you do you'll get that i already i still owe you 250 for the i mean it's in the i still owe you 250

from the super bowl paul i mean i don't want to brag here but from the coin toss to the color of the gatorade i kind of fucking is there anything worse it bothers you is there anything worse? It bothers you. Is there anything worse than our first two bets of this podcast, you taking me down? It's an easy thing, Paul. You always go favorites. You always believe the hype. No, it's not that. You know what it is?

I'm just trying to help, Paul. I believe the better team. You know what I just thought about? You know what I just thought about just now? If Bobby Knight grabbed my son by the fucking throat, I'm not kidding you. I swear to God, hand to God. If Bobby Knight grabbed my kid by the throat

and I was in the stands, I would beat him to a pulp until I got arrested right there on the spot in front of parents. I beat that old fuck down. You fucking put your hand, listen, here's the deal. If you say to my son, what are you doing? Get on the bench and you do that.

You fucking go like this and shake his neck to his fucking head. His face gets red. I'm beating that fucking old cocksucker to death or come close to it. You could just give him a reminder. A reminder. Yeah. You know, he got a little, he just kind of forgot who he was. You just give him a little reminder.

You don't have to go to jail over it. You just give him the reminder, Paul. Just a smack what would you do smack hard smack in the face uh my first thought was some sort of flying tackle to get him away from my kid and then as we were going down if he's a big guy though man that guy's a big motherfucker yeah dude i love six four six five like you know i think i would have to get dirty i'd have to go low and i love how the people that were the group that old square head rectangle head well he's off the hardwood he's probably six three bobby knight probably but all right we

gotta look it up oh paul i almost missed it the you gotta see this guy, the mob guy of the week here. Oh, all right. Carmine the Cigar Galante. Okay. He always smoked a cigar. He was talking shit that he was going to be the biggest guy ever. They whacked him in an Italian restaurant, I think in Brooklyn. And they have his death photo.

It's him laying like this, bullet in his eye and a cigar still in his mouth. Oh, my God. I saw that. Yeah. Yes, I saw that. 6'5", Paul. 6'5". Okay, let me revamp what I would do to Bobby L. He would get a very stern note from me.

Now, you'd have to do something. I mean, can you imagine if he choked your son, and then you came out there, and then he kicked his dad's ass? I mean, you'd have to change your last name. No. And I love how those alpha dudes were like, that's the problem. That's what these fucking pussies need. And it's like, listen, man, I'm all for it.

No, no, no. I don't think they were talking about that. They were talking about that? Like, that's the problem. That's what these fucking pussies need. And it's like, listen, man, I'm all for it. No, no, no, no. I don't think they were talking about that. They were talking about that? Yeah, I'm all for it. No, but some of his ex-players were like, you know, and it's like, listen, man. That's called being in an abusive relationship. And then you just start defending the person. All right, guys.

Thank you so much for listening. Episode six. Bill, are you going to be performing anywhere? No. I mean, maybe some local stuff around LA, but we'll see. We'll see. I got nothing. Guys, if you're in Orlando, I'll be at the Improv March 24th.

Oh, the big shot with dates. West Palm Beach Improv the 25th. And we got some more dates added. We got Austin. We got Tampa Bay. We got Salt Lake City. And we got some more dates added. We got Austin. We got Tampa Bay. We got Salt Lake City. And I just got Oklahoma City for the first time ever. Home of your Super Bowl champion, the Tom Brady Buccaneers.

Hey, Tom and Gronk are coming to my show at SideSplitters. Make it fucking happen. I'll be there May 20th through the 23rd. All tickets are available on paulverzi.com. Thank you guys so much for listening. Always such a good time. Sign up, subscribe, like, give reviews. Best new podcast on the planet. Anything better. Thank you.