Anything Better? - I'll Buy You A F*cking Car

Episode Date: July 5, 2021

Is there Anything Better than Bill and Paul giving you a long episode on a holiday weekend?

what's up everybody and welcome back to your favorite podcast in the world your favorite hour it's the anything better podcast with myself paul bursey over here my dear friend bill burr over there we got uh andrew femis, the Greek freak, podcast producer extraordinaire behind the glass. And we have a great episode 22 because I'm back from camping, Bill. And I got to tell you something. I had the worst fucking night of my life with my two lovely, my children next to me, my stepfather. We had a great day day but unfortunately there's a heat wave it was 94 degrees oh god and then when we were in the tent at night it was 82 degrees

and i gotta tell you my kids my kids were troopers we uh but we couldn't stay two nights dude my daughter just goes it's not happening she's nine she was running the show she goes guys i toughed it out one night and she goes i'm not doing this shit again so uh so and here's the thing dude i come home and uh me and my wife got into a little you know we got into a little wasn't a big one i would say it was like the equivalent of a sparring match where people went harder because of a vendetta if that makes sense it was like the equivalent of a sparring match where people went harder because of a vendetta. If that makes sense. It was like it was like a sparring match, but it went.

Here's what happened. I called her up. I said, we're actually coming home tonight. We were thinking about two nights. Can't do it. Completely too hot. I said I was literally going like this to sweat. Like it was fucking brutal, dude.

Like we just threw out blank. It was fucking nightmare. Again, you're 94. It's 94 degrees. You're in the woods. Yeah, 94. wet like it was fucking brutal dude like we just threw out blanket it was fucking nightmare again you're 94 it's 94 degrees you're in the woods yeah 94 and it was like hot in the shade like there was i wouldn't want to sleep in the woods if it was 74 no no it was it was a fucking nightmare so fishing was great jumping in the water was great and then all of a sudden we played some cards oh this is great we laid down and we're going, we got to go home. I get home. And my wife does not tell me I get home and our air conditioning unit went out. And I looked at the fucking thermostat and I go, I go, Stace, it's fucking almost 80 degrees in the house.

And she goes, well, I told you to call the guy. I go, I did call the guy. The guy's coming on Thursday, but you didn't tell him. I told you how miserable I was. Why am I coming home to this? I go, all right, that's it. I go, that's it. Get the, we're going to a hotel, get the kids. And she goes, she goes, no, she goes, no, we're not. And I go, she goes, you were supposed to call the guy. And I go, Stace, I called the guy, the guy's coming Thursday. If I, I called the guy, she was like, I told you that this thing keeps going. So it turned into, I didn't do the right thing at the right time. Instead of. She wanted to make a point. Want to make a point.

But I'm hot. And I just slept in the woods. So I didn't. I wasn't ready for that point. I didn't care. Did you fuck up? Did you, Paul Verzi, fuck this up? In the grand scheme of things.

That's a yes. I could have called. But here's what happened. It was fixed and working. And I did have an appointment for Thursday. You sound like Richard Pryor. I'm going to here's what happened. It was fixed and working, and I did have an appointment for Thursday. You sound like Richard Pryor. I'm going to tell you what happened, okay? I was running, but I wasn't really running, running.

That's what happened. So I say, get the kids. We're going to a hotel now. I need cold. She says, no, I told you what to do. We'll deal with it. And then finally it ended up kicking on last night. We got the house back and running and they're coming tomorrow morning. So everything

worked out. She shows herself suffering too. And the kids just to hammer home how much you let down the family that I told you to do this. You, we were supposed to call earlier and, uh, and she goes, it's not that bad downstairs and and i'm upstairs laying in my boxer briefs on the bed just in calling places calling air conditioning places and uh i was i was ready dude i'm pacing around my house like the beginning of a cheesy local commercial is your air conditioner not working and you're sitting there and you're bvds with like the old school ice pack on your head oh that's the worst man no waste no ac upstairs bill you made me laugh so hard at the beginning of this during that read that you brought a memory you brought a memory and i don't mean to be gross but i just have to tell this story well we got to tell people because

they're going to hear this later later on when we're doing advertising this episode, for some reason, the topic of sharding comes up. The topic of sharding comes up and I'm doing a read and Bill said something. I barely got to the read because I had tears in my eyes. True story. I'm selling phone cable internet in Queens door to door in my very early twenties, 21, 22, 23. Did good. When they were about to fire me, I turned it on. I ended up being a supervisor and we would all go to the Queens mall. When we got paid, we got paid like 1200 bucks every two weeks. So I'm like a 21 year old kid making like 50 grand a year doing standup, dropped out of college. And we go to the Queens mall. We would be like, oh, we got paid. You want to go to blimpy sandwiches? I'll buy like we're buying snapples and shit i might get sneakers i might get sneakers you know dude we're sitting

in the food court and we're talking and we're literally sitting like three or four of us and we're just in the mall and i literally fart and shit myself literally just a shit and i just sat there mid conversation couldn't say anything unbeknownst obviously to the people there and i'm literally going like dude and i'm just it was like the biggest panic because it's like what do i do now because now i have shit in my pants and i have to i have to rectify this but i'm in like dress clothes on the smell too the second you get up it's gonna smell like a fucking the other side of a train station. And I'm going, I'm going like, Oh dude, I got dress pants on. I got a button down. I'm dressed up. I'm going door to door, dude. So I, I, I go, all right guys,

like after two, three minutes, I go, I'm going to run to the bathroom. I go into the bathroom, just take underwear off, just throw out, gone, wash myself, clean myself up. And then I leaned over to one of my friends. I go, yo, dude, I just I just do it. I just shit myself. He's like helping me look for an underwear store like in the in the in the mall. It was it was one of the most panicked and then i just i cleaned myself up i got rid of all that stuff and um yeah i ended up buying a pair of i ended up buying a pair but

there were a few minutes where i'm talking and and the conversation's going on and nobody knows and you're just when you build it a face build it a face that you'll see later where it's like it's a quick shock and and then it's like there's no it's the thing about sharting is there's no escape realization panic it's like you're just sitting there and then it's kind of like something like that the realization the realization of it as a grown adult that you just did that is actually like it takes a few seconds which is the funniest part about it to me well because you want it to not be true

yeah and i would say that 85 percent of listeners of this podcast I've talked to one person in my whole life who said they never sharted. One person. I had a great run. I went, I went 39 years without ever doing it. Wow. Yeah. I heard George.

One sense. I heard George Brett was like, and I heard he got mad at the people that like put it out there, but then why does Paul look like he's not in focus? think yeah i think you had just moved back hold on yeah came back a second ago oh put your hands near your face though put your hands near your face ah there you go i think george brett had a joke where he goes i'm good for one of those a year now i think you just reach an age where like it's just you know listen dude if you eat bad food you know it's uh what could you do you You know, we all... Twice in my life.

Once when I was in New York, right before I came to New York, and Nia was fucking crying laughing at me. My wife gets a kick out of it, too. She was dying laughing. And then I had one about a month ago, right around my birthday. I was hanging out down by the pool by myself right fucking feet up smoking a cigar root beer this is all great i felt i felt a fart coming on i was like let's get through this did one of those and i was like oh jesus christ yeah i'll tell you what though dude what do i do what do i do now and it's just like

dude you yourself you're not wearing any sort of diapers or anything like that that is a situation like how do i get from here to where I can help myself. Thank God there was nobody around. That's the, the question is from where point a, where it happens that to the, to the cleansing. This is the, it's the,

well, here's the thing, dude, who shit yourself in a mall. I mean, the only thing worse than that would be shitting yourself on stage. You know, a comic is sharted on stage.

I, I was at home. And then you're standing there trying to work the stage from the back. You're standing by the fucking curtain trying to make sure the front row is not going to smell it. This is disgusting, Paul. We've got to change the subject here. No, I know.

It's all my fault. But listen, no, no, no. Do it again. Put your hands up. You made me cry laughing with it. It's so funny, but it makes me think like, I bet you President Kennedy, rest his soul, President Roosevelt, you mean to tell me-

No, no, let's slow down here, slow down. We got to pick the one. If you had to guess, since Kennedy, Kennedy, Johnson, Ford, Carter, Reagan, the first Bush, Clinton, second Bush, Obama, Trump. There has definitely, all right, here's the thing. There has definitely been a president in a meeting, full suited, important shit, talking about foreign policy that farted and shit themselves. That has definitely happened.

And if I have to put my money to it, Andrew Thelma says- Andrew's going with Ford. Andrew says Ford, when I think of his face- I don't go Ford. Ford played Michigan football. I can't put that on him. I know who did it. I think of his face. I don't go Ford. Ford played Michigan football. I can't put that on him. I know who did it. I think of his face. I know he did it. The way he looks, I hate to say it. I'm going to say Reagan shit himself.

Reagan sharted. That's a good one. That's a good one. He just looks like he did it. Nancy, I forgot to. I can't do a bad 80s impression. I forgot to duck or whatever. I would go.

I got to go Bill Clinton all day. Big old country boy from Arkansas that likes getting after it. Hillary, you got any tissue? I'll go dog and he doesn't care what she looks like as long as it ain't his wife. There's no way that guy's not eating wings and shitting himself. Oh, dude. Shit yourself as the president of the free world. I just sharted.

You're not going to believe this. I was at a Hooters. Dick was sucking my dick underneath the high top bar table. And I shit you not. Oh, my God. I sharted. I was wearing slacks and a pair of boxers that Hillary got me for my birthday. Hey, Paul.

What's happened? Let's do really hacky comedy now. No, I know. I did not shart my pants. I did not. While having pants. I did not. While having sexual relations with that woman and that hootie. Listen, listen. Sometimes the show starts off with a funny laugh,

and it happens to be some immature shit. So be it, okay? Is there anything worse than shitting your pants in public? Anything worse than shitting yourself in the mall? Is there anything worse than you being out of focus? Yeah, I don't know why this is happening. There we go. Because you keep leaning forward.

Okay, I'll stay right here. You stay right there, Paul. You do the comedy from right there. Moving forward, guys. Moving forward. Moving forward to something a little more mature. I'm going to say we just lost all our female listeners. First of all, we fucked up the whole podcast.

I brought up sharting during the fucking advertising, and you were laughing so hard at that. We forgot to do episode 22, the greatest players to ever wear number 22. Who do you got first? Before we look at the list, I just saw the first, but I remembered him. He changed his number, but one of my favorite players who broke my heart is Robinson Cano. Robinson changed from 22 to 24, but I remember Robinson having 22. You just never let that die. No. It hurts. It hurts. That's one of the heartbreaks of my sports life, honestly. My

favorite Yankee. Not only does he leave for Seattle- Was he your favorite Yankee, or he was the guy that you put the dude I called it on? No, no, I loved him, man. I loved him. You never hung out. What did you love about him? I loved the smoothness to second base during the double play with Jeter. I loved how calm he looked at the plate.

I loved his swing. I love how nonchalant. He was invincible at the plate because he was all hopped up on the juice. When he left, I think. When he left. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah. You know, there are some guys when you just watch and you go,

I love watching this guy play ball. And that's what it was with him. I love watching this guy shard himself. I'm just not going to leave. Sorry. Guys pitching a perfect game. So greatest players ever. So I would have said Doug Flutie was the first 22 I thought of at Boston

College. Then I was like, was Emmitt Smith 22, which this list confirmed. Yep. One of my favorite hockey players of all time, Mike Bossy. Mike Bossy of your New York Islanders. roger clemens was 22 i thought he was 24 22 elgin baylor oh that's that's a good one yeah not a lot of 22s that's emmett smith has to emmett smith has to ricky henderson was 24 uh he's on this list does he change ricky henderson was 24. He's on this list. Does he change?

Ricky Henderson was 24 for a while, but I would have for 24 teams and we're 22. And he played for 22 teams and we're 24. That's the question. He was 24 with the Yankees. Can you confirm that? I'm, I mean,

I'm almost positive, but I would say the guy that gets the nod is Emmitt Smith. As far as Emmitt Smith is, you know, he's how many-time champion? Three-time or four-time champion? Morris, you think he's bigger than Elgin Baylor? No, I shouldn't say that. Three-time champion.

You know what? No, he just – Elgin was before my time, but I would say they're equal. He's got the rushing yard. He's got the rushing yard title. That's because Barry quit, though. Yeah, it's true. But listen, has that. I'd go Elgin Baylor.

Then Emmitt Smith. Okay. Ricky Henderson, greatest leadoff hitter of all time, stolen base champion. Then I got to go mike bossy i give him the the nod just ahead of roger clements um be like talking to emmett smith be like all right listen man you guys could ask me one question one question every shot during a game? I was in Arizona. It was the fourth quarter. I'm sorry.

It's just funny. NFL films. He hit me so hard. I shart. Some guys got hit so hard they did start bleeding and shit. Well, that's that expression. I'm going to beat the shit out of you. I'll beat the piss out of you. Yeah. Beat you down to the white

meat. That's like tissue out of you. Yeah. Beat you down to the white meat. That's like tissue. Oof. Yeah. Are you going to watch these UFC fights coming up with this Conor McGregor, Justin Poirier in two weeks, the trilogy, the third one, or you have no desire? No, no, I'm going to watch those. Dude, at this point, the fact that I'm not watching a professional fighter fight a youtube guy i i know you know or two older boxers like fucking smoking weed and

come out and slapping each other around for a minute um yeah i'll watch them i'm gonna miss you this year i'm going we're having a fourth party and it's gonna be a banger it's gonna be a banger it's gonna be the one where I'll just like fourth party. Oof. I'm going to miss you on this one. This is one where this one's going to, they're going to, they're going to write about this,

this show I'm putting on. We've never seen your biggest one. This is going to be the fireworks that you and your lovely family, your lovely family saw times that show by four, just at the finale it's yeah you should have at least two fire trucks there dude but we're gonna have people don't understand like the professional level of this fireworks show at versi's house like people you know if you yeah you shot him up just a little higher i mean like the whole fucking

county could see it no people were going like holy the best is salva cano he's going holy shit you hear it in the back you go holy shit and i just kept waiting for the cops to show up and i went a year when you didn't go that hard you went the year we didn't go that hard but um i told you what we do we have a fresh pot of coffee and cannolis ready for the police so when the cops come we say hey man i hope you guys i know it's a rough night you guys got these are from arthur avenue in the bronx take these cannolis take the coffee hope you boys have a good night you know that's what i do so then the next year they get the call they're a little slower to the house is that a thing coffee and cannolis i didn't know

that that makes them walk away no it doesn't make it's just a gesture it's a nice slower to the house. Is that a thing? Coffee and cannolis? I didn't know that. That makes them walk away? No, it doesn't make... It's just a gesture. It's a nice gesture to them. So then the next year they get caught. Oh, you got a kilo of cocaine underneath your fucking sofa. Listen, that's what I got the cannolis and coffee for. If I wasn't having... I know it's a pain in the ass.

The war on drugs. I got some coffee and cannolis for you. I'm going to try to show you guys. I'm going to see if I can get this. This is the finale that we had last year. Hold on. I'm going to try to get this right. Right there.

Yeah, that's in his backyard. That's in my backyard. And it's loud as shit. My favorite thing. Holy shit. So that's in our backyard. I'm sorry to know there was audio. I talked through the whole thing. Sorry.

Sal Vacana is going. Sal Vacana goes, if you just listen to you'll hear Salvo holy shit can't hear it dude oh yeah sorry so uh anyway you know last year you're out of focus again paul last year we had to uh uh then you keep moving towards you go you keep doing this and then you lean back and you get out of focus again i gotta stay here okay um all right last year we had to go light because it was only

22 people 25 people uh covet was kind of on the down fauci came out cdc said if you have something this fourth of july make it 20 we wanted to comply we will okay uh this year it's kind of like people are like kind of got released from cages they're like you're having a party you're having a party so what are you gonna do we don't want it to get too big but my wife always gets stressed out and then it ends up being a fucking great cookout so don't talk too much because shit about it because then people are expecting because my favorite thing about being there was my wife was like yeah i just kept going yeah paul's going to shoot up some fireworks she's like oh where i'm like yeah you know in the backyard or whatever

and then the started and she was like jesus christ we were just saying things jesus christ guys it's going hard. Yeah. Yeah. But no, I remember you were self-conscious cause you went like that year and you came around the corner. You were like, that's it. I know.

We were like, yeah, that was great. Like you, you were like, last year was bigger. It bummed me out, but no,

no, you this year, no Bartnick this year. So, uh, you know, but we're going to have a, we're going to have a good time.

We might have to make that a thing. You just got to remind me and gotta remind me and i'll plan i'll do a gig out that way i'll bring my family out there we go to the versys for fourth of july dude we could do a yeah we could do a live anything better at the ridgefield playhouse in connecticut 25 minutes for 15 minutes from my house and then just go do it you know why not sticks the night before it's a joke it's a joke so uh you sound like that security guard good fellas yeah who's the security you're looking at me i'm the overnight comment it's a joke it's a joke he goes he goes what about security he goes you're looking at i'm the over the overnight what is it called i'm the overnight uh watchman yeah he goes it's a joke um what are you doing

you're gonna be in vegas right i'm coming back from vegas so i'll be um i got the second and third at the cosmopolitan dude last two two nights I headlined the comedy store. Ran my hour, hour and a half, and tonight, Wednesday, I have my last show there. So I'm ready to go. I'm ready to go. Fucking tired, though, obviously, because usually at this point with the kids,

I fucking go to bed. I go to bed, man. Or I got to take a nice solid nap in the afternoon or I'm finished. Dude, I'm telling you something right now. You got your kids are young, dude. My kids are just nonstop relentless, man. Like Stacy is like, get them. You fucking dude.

My son is they're relentless. Dad, what are we doing? We have friend over. Like that's why we went camping today. They're with friends at the beach. It's always something. So like I'll sit down and just go, guys, let me just close my eyes for 20 minutes. Let me just close my dad. Are you coming outside to play with me? Do you want to then they know what hurts? So Lucas goes, you don't want to play with me. He'll go. I'm going outside the driver. You don't want to play. And I'm going, no, no, of course I do. Can I just get, you know,

and then he goes outside and he's, yeah, you know, you want to just stay there. And I'm going, you're going to play with me later. And I'm just going. And then my daughter's like, no, no, of course I do. Can I just get, you know, and then he goes outside and he's, yeah, you know, you want to just stay there. And I'm going, oh, you're going to play with me later. And I'm just going. And then my daughter's like, dad, can you take me? And I'm just going, dude, this is like, I'm in it, dude. I got a 12 year old and a nine year old and I'm fucking in it. It got easier. I thought they could entertain themselves.

It's like, that's the thing. And I'm like, dude, you got Xbox in the room. I go, you got Xbox in the room. I go, it's 94 degrees outside. It's fucking, there's a heat wave. Play Xbox or whatever. And then when you cool down, you got Xbox in the room. I go, you got Xbox in the room? I go, it's 94 degrees outside. It's fucking, there's a heat wave. Play Xbox or whatever. And then when you cool down, go shoot hoops. And I'll, can my buddy James come over?

Can my buddy? And I'm going, dude, what the fuck? My wife is going, you know, I don't know. And then, you know, Stacey. Stacey goes like, entertain yourself. What the fuck? And it's just like, it's just a madhouse. It's a fucking madhouse.

My mother used to just send us outside go outside and play that's what my mother that i mean that's what their mother's doing stacy's going just go go outside guys just go outside you have a basketball hoop go outside dude your mother had set six could you like i have two and we're trying to make one like go do this the other i couldn't imagine my mother had four i couldn't imagine my mother had four i couldn't imagine just four kids wanting to do something and like what to do beat it that's what everybody did my neighborhood they just sent kids outside and big groups of kids would meet other groups of kids then either become a bigger group or they would fight each other yeah and the bigger

group would win and then you go home yeah you go home after getting beat up what happened and just we just say big kids yeah or like you want a sandwich we'll be like yo meet up on the corner after dinner we're playing stickball and then you'd play until it got too dark or your mother called you and you went in now it's like it's not like that anymore man i know we sound like some fucking old dudes but like that's what we did man we would i mean we would play so late that the bats would come out and then you knew you couldn't hit them, but you'd still throw the ball at them just to watch them dodge it. Yeah, dude. Remember in the summer nights with your neighborhood friends?

Did you live in a cul-de-sac or did you live like in a, did you have like the cul-de-sac thing or no? No, we lived up on like a busier street but i had so many siblings we just you know got games going amongst ourselves the dopest shit in the world was around seven o'clock on a summer night you're all playing or hanging out stickball and the ice cream man came and everyone be like oh shit could just scatter out get there you get the toasted almond i was a kid who got the candy too like the fish or just the grossest shit he just he was making all of his money my parents wouldn't let me get it it's gonna rot your teeth and blah blah blah blah so we just

would steal change from them well they were right get that bomb pop that was the color of the American flag, looked like a rocket ship. Yep, Lucas loves that one. I used to get that one, or I'd get the... I just hated how many... Wow, I just had a big memory of that. Remember there was some sort of

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on your face. All right. Dude, I'll buy a box of those right now. Did I tell you how fucking out of shape I am? That's why I'm wearing this shit where I look like I'm on

a bad space show ripping off Star Wars. Like this is my rank, whatever this fucking gray shit is. Dude, we had three birthdays and Father's Day. and fucking Pete came to town. So we fucking went out to eat one night too.

So like, dude, I am like the heaviest I've ever been. So I'm just, you know, I'm on, uh, I'm on good, uh, good behavior now until I get back down to my fighting weight. I got like 20 pounds to drop. Dude, I'm pissed at my wife because, yeah, you look fine. What are you talking about? You always think you're out of shape and blah, blah, blah. They don't want you to be in shape.

They don't want you to be in shape. Exactly. I'm doing that bit in my thing where, like, I swear to God, I told Stacey his shirt fit better, and she was baking. She started baking, and we got into a fight Because she knows I'm not saying no to that If there's fucking cookies Who says no to a cookie

If you come home Let's be honest If you come home And there's soft fresh baked cookies Who's not taking one Who's not taking It's impossible And then I have one i'm

the type of guy where i cut a slice of pizza in half thinking that that's it and then i'm doing that to three other slices it's like that's all i think if it's over you know here are the two things you don't say no to freshly baked things that are right there a little hot and pizza nobody's saying no to pizza pizzas my might be the goat. Pizza might be the pizza. I thought that's pizza around. I don't care how hungry I am. I'm having four slices. I remember you telling me you go four. Once I get to three, I think I'm and then and then what I do is I delay the inevitable. And then the fourth comes later. I used to try to do that. I'd always have four. My wife would always give me

shit be going like jesus christ you're wolfing it down it's like yeah it's just fun it's fun it's always something yeah no you never you just can't win that you know my wife's imagine if i i'm just gonna start doing uh i'm gonna start doing that shit. Jesus Christ. Slow down, you fucking wolf in a tent. How hungry were you? I'm out of shape. How hungry were you? No, I went to the track twice.

I'm back at the track now. And then I came home today and I saw Stacy on a treadmill in our house. Okay, if you want to play that game, let's do it. Let's motivate. Ign ignite the fire that's that's a great competition to have dude you know they make jeans now where the jeans will say 33 they're not even 33s they're just saying 33 to make you feel better and then they have a stretchy fucking thing so you can get up to like 36 it's like you're not helping people these fucking lies are not helping people dude i'm so out of shape my jeans i can't they

can't stretch anymore they're digging into my hips i have stretchy jeans that are digging in it's done i mean bill let's not get crazy i was just with you a couple weeks ago you're not in that bad you're in bad shape for you but like you're like that's that's no no i'm in bad shape for your body i mean you didn't look you want to be 20 pounds overweight dude that's 100 miles of capillaries every heartbeat it did that takes years and years off your fucking life people don't get that shit yeah no it's they don't get it like you're not supposed to be like i'm telling you like some fucking asshole company took control of our food supply they turn it into fucking poison they stick sugar into everything to keep you fucking addicted trying to find something that doesn't have fucking sugar in

it is uh isn't it's practically impossible and all of that shit oh it's not ice cream it's sherbet well then they just they just up the sugar in it so no I know what I gotta do I've been going on fucking walks you gotta go on a walk at my age. I just, I just walked four miles the other day. I was pouring sweat, felt good though. And my mood changed. That's one thing I learned is my mood change. I talked to themless on the track. Sometimes when like me and themless talk about the Verzi effect or stuff, I'll be on the track and you probably hear me fucking panting by the time I talk to you, it's like towards the end I'm sweating and shit but um you know listen man I got I'm not gonna mention names I have a few friends that I'm worried about I got a couple of

like literally a few friends that I'm just like dude man I want you to be around and you're not giving a fuck and like you know I got I saw a buddy like that the other day yeah dude that guy became a dad and just immediately started looking like a dad and now i tell you he put on like fucking i was looking at him from the side and he had some big you know you get to a certain level of fat all they have is stupid shirts because they assume you're just going to be making self-deprecating jokes about yourself so they already they just start making wacky patterns you know like dude i was saying like this fucking guy was like from the side it was like this big this guy used to be

rail fin from the side he was like that big fucking you know provolone fucking yeah thing hanging off his hip giant fucking spare tire that went out over the belt and then just dipped. Yeah, that's the brutal one, dude. I mean, he could have been like Demi Moore, you know, or naked fucking pregnant photo. Fuck that. No, dude, I got a friend who the top of his belly has got to be touching like the top of his dick. It's gross, dude. It's fucking brutal. And it's like, you know, like it dips down. It doesn't even look like a beer belly. It looks like a it's like a bag that's just and I'm going like, but then I have a theory. Do you think that

guys that are in shape that then become a dad? I feel like they really love their wives and family because I heard one guy go, what do i give a fuck now i got the woman i love the kids so then they just start eating that's how you lose it though i know because you're taking them for granted she doesn't want to fucking be underneath you sweating yeah yeah dude it's fucking gross man but like i i would want i would think that having kids and wanting to play with your kids all seriousness wanting to be with your kids playing with your kids and and being around you know dude i got a friend dude he walked like 10 feet the other day and he was like pouring sweat like pouring sweat like not being active pouring sweat i'm just going like that's just you can't do that man like you can't you know you know

what sucks is how fucking he dude i think i put on fucking 15 pounds last month or this month of june dude it's so fucking easy like to take off 15 pounds you have to go so fucking hard to do it in five weeks three pounds a week you gotta to go you got to eat perfect and just be crushing the elliptical or whatever right stop eating around six you just have to do that for five fucking weeks dude at my age i could put on 15 pounds in about a week yeah i could do it yeah i went to and i and i could even tell you the fuck I'd wake up, have corned beef hash. Not one, but two eggs, soft cook on top, then toast, more fucking carbs. Yeah. You know, then get yourself a little Danish or. Yeah, no, I can't do that. I can't even do that, dude.

If I did that, I would I would I would like not off in the middle of meal, and I wouldn't wake up until 2 in the afternoon. I'll tell you something, though. The devil is a donut because the kids had fresh ones in the house the other day, and I was like, man, I didn't know I was at a blueberry, and I took a little fucking thing of it. I was like, it's one of those delicious things. Dude, a fresh blueberry donut is fucking nuts. No, you can't do it. You can't do it.

Dude, I could eat a half a dozen donuts in a row. And my wife would be looking at me like, what the fuck are you doing? What's your go-to? What's your go-to, Bill? Gun to your head. If you had a six-pack of donuts, which one are you going? I definitely could tell you. The point that you said is six-pack.

That's the last thing you're ever going to fucking have, eating six donuts. But no, I'm saying if you had a donut binge and you had six of them, where would you go? You go a sort of- I don't fuck with donuts, so it's been a while. I used to like coconut. I love coconut. Coconut's good.

What else did I like? I like just the chocolate frosted. Yeah, you don't like donuts stuffed with shit jelly ice glazed you know the jizz donuts and i don't mind a fucking eclair but i don't like a jelly donut a jelly donut with like all that sugar on the outside my son you know what's the claire's the worst is this is the shit just gets on the side of your face it's fucking you can't you can't eat in a Claire with a beard. No, I don't.

You're getting a second date. It's just not happening. No, a donut needs to have a hole in it and you need to have a cup of coffee. I go blueberry. I did try a coconut once that was fucking really delicious. I could do that. My son goes too glazed. He's just got that skinny skinny lanky body metabolism through

hang on a second i gotta look up donut donut flavors dude look at look up the blueberry donut it's unbelievable i never even heard of that oh it's unbelievable carrot cake donut there's only one carrot cake for us pa Paul. Moncton, Canada. I mean, dude, that place better survive fucking COVID. Oh, there's a blueberry donut. Look at that fucking thing. Dude, I don't even recognize donuts anymore. This is what happens when you get old.

Everything changes so much. You don't even recognize a fucking donut. You know what I used to like? An old-fashioned. Yeah. An old-fashioned was just a plain fucking donut with a glass of milk oh oh maple they were all just basically glazed donuts with a different frosting on it yeah the maple one the maple one that's my I haven't had a maple and I got to try that. Oh, don't do that to yourself, Paul.

Dude, me and, uh, me and my brother Christian were at a Yankee game like 15 years ago, like 12 years ago. And there's this fat dude and he had the all Navy with the NYT shirt. It was just the t-shirt ones, right? And he's just sitting there and he was just,

and he's like enjoying it. And my brother and me saw him take a chocolate glazed and I never seen a grown man. He took a chocolate glazed and like three quarters of it done in one bite. And he just had this fucking baseball thing on his cheek. And he was, and he was chewing. And my brother and I were crying, laughing at how much this fat guy was enjoying. He was enjoying.

He was enjoying it. And he was fucking so into the game and into the donut. And it was it was amazing, dude. It was so funny. But like, who am I to fuck with that guy? Good for him. No, I've always I've said this for a long time during all my times making fun of fat people. Right.

Which I make fun of everything people right which i make fun of everything but fat so's just get you know not all of them but like some of them get all fucking bent out of shape probably the wrong expression to use uh but as a fellow fat person yeah um i will say that i am envious of people who just eat whatever the fuck they want. Do you remember What's Her Face? What was that woman who was just like, she was on the reality shows, The Mob Wives, and she passed away. Oh, Big Ang?

Oh, my God. Rest her soul. She was so much fun because she was just going like, the doctor told her to quit smoking going like you know the doctor told her to quit smoking said the doctor told me to quit smoking told me to lay off this and my philosophy is i'm just gonna do whatever the fuck i want hey man but she lives something to be said about that where it's like all right so this person outlives you by 30 years eating fucking brussels sprouts which i mean there's a high to that like fueling your body and not blah blah blah

but like just living an indulgent life dude what do you say to god at that point if you believe in god afterwards and he's just looking at you and what the you did to yourself he's just looking up say you know i couldn't lay off man you know you you put all that good stuff down there what was i supposed to do i'm not supposed to have a donut uh yeah i would just give god a pound and a hug and tell him thank you i would just be like dude that was awesome that's why you're gonna get in i'll be like dude that's that was awesome i would just go like this dude, that was awesome. That's why you're going to get in. I would be like, dude, that was awesome. I would just go like this. Dude, that was awesome, dude.

That was awesome. You want a donut? I'd be like, guy, what you did giving us sushi, pizza, okay? The blow job, the fucking kids. Dude, I would just start listing everything. Ball games. blow job is number three i love that list no blow yankee stadium when i was a kid giving me that giving me the madison square garden giving me the job number three because it doesn't want anything afterwards

no the first two things beat it because the pizza doesn't want anything afterwards. It's gone. It's out of your life. A blowjob is just the feeling is incredible. And it's a relaxer. I mean, it's everything. It does everything. It feels good. It makes you relaxed. Okay.

Name a guy that got a blowjob and then wanted to fight. Doesn't happen. You know? I was just picturing you in a lawn chair like ah I got donut in one hand no I mean it's great this is dude if if you got what would you say if you if God was real and you got back in the day you could do that as a comedy album you want a comedy album you with your feet up like pointed at you and all you see some woman's head in your lap you got a comedy album you with your feet up like pointed at you and all you see some woman's head in your lap you got a donut and a cigar and just be like you just call like good

times you can that could literally would have been in the mall that would have been in the mall and you could buy it oh oh dude um oh dude cosby getting out today you saw that wild how the fuck did that i mean jesus christ syndication money is deep dude pennsylvania supreme court made him walk today overturned overturned he walked out how i do not know but that i mean talk about knowing people in high places that's wild that's wild man here's the got away with it dude he got away with it here's the thing does he sell comedy tickets now does he make his grand finale of his stand-up career be a two-hour women writing love letters to guys on death row he absolutely sells a funny bone funny bone what do you think would happen if he honestly put up tickets for like a major theater like a major 3,000 3,500 theater tomorrow

does it sell i mean i think there's going to be a certain segment that probably goes there to fucking yell at him yeah he would need a bunch of club soda kennys what'd you do if you just stood there and just yeah so maybe i did maybe i did but now it's over fuck you no he would come out and arrogantly deny and do a two-hour set he would do a two-hour set clean you think he curses on the last one he's been in jail come on you don't go in there and come out unaffected that was why i read that today and i was just like oh wow okay okay that's uh you know him and oj play golf in two weeks legal system i have you know just fucking hanging out uh yeah man i don't know dude think about that though the supreme that would be the ultimate donald trump photo him with his arm around bill Cosby and OJ Simpson.

Sticks. And he's wearing a Black Lives Matter T-shirt. Like how many people could you piss off with that? Where to begin with this photo? Dude, I mean, I'm like, honestly, like some of the things I saw, I'm like, I'm never like, wow, that's really like, I'm usually like, hey, let the judicial system play out let law play out this one i'm just like wow they let that guy out it's like all right well i was surprised they were able to get him considering it was so long ago that's the problem is trying to how you prove that so i don't know i. I want to talk about this shit. It's just so fucking. His wife is so flower saying.

What streaming service is going to be the one that reboots the Cosby show? Oh, shit, dude. We are. We're like almost an hour already. That's how much fun and how quick and great of a time we have. and how quick and great of a time we have. No, man, I'm excited for a lot of sporting things. You saw that Giannis Antetokounmpo. Did I say that right? I think I might have said that right.

I think so, yeah. He, dude, he hyperextended his left knee. And you saw they slowed it down, and I hate watching it. You saw it and he was holding it, but he walked back. He walked back and then limped and then walked in. And there've been no reports of a tear today. It just says hyper extended. So that series is now two, two. And you were, you were at the game. I know you guys went to the game. That series is now three, two going back to clippers but clippers have to

win would have had to win three in a row so who knows i gotta tell you something the clippers the amount of bullshit that goes on during the game and after a stoppage of play is right up there with uh with brooklyn with barclays oh my god dude it was like i saw this guy online he said it's like insulting to the like how dumb do you think our fan base is? We want to talk about the game. It was a playoff game. And it was like, yeah, Phoenix was shooting like 40%. And the Clippers only had like an eight-point lead at that point in the second quarter or something like that.

And that's the point where the home crowd is getting on you. Like, come on, man. Put these guys away. What were they doing? the point where the home crowd is getting on you like come on man put these guys away what are they doing but like they would they would stop and they go up on the jumbotron and people were all acting out singing don't stop believing by journey and you know hitting the thunder sticks and uh just you know the fucking stupid goddamn dance crew that they have what the fuck is that for and nobody pays attention to them.

All those girls come out, five foot one, making like 20 bucks a game. Yeah, pointing up. You want a shirt? You want the gun? Yeah, it's... They shouldn't allow that if your team's down. Dude, I had to put fucking earplugs in.

It was like I was at a concert. It was fucking nuts you shouldn't allow that if you're down that's that should be a thing well they weren't down they they were up by eight but what it did was it kept taking it the crowd never solidified as a crowd yeah because they kept going on the jumbotron for people do these individual things that had nothing to do with the game i don't know know what it is. I actually think it's a form of crowd control because it's so fucking loud and it's just constant barrage of something happening that you don't have a time to look at somebody cross-eyed,

although there's still that guy, Phoenix and Four, who beat up that kid. Did you see that shit? He was like a hockey enforcer. Yeah. And he was beat up that kid. Did you see that shit? He was like a hockey enforcer. Yeah. And he went to the, he was nice to that kid. He went to the body. No,

he wasn't shots put to the body. He could have, he could have fucking hammered that kid. He gave him one to the nose as a reminder, but he could have fucking hit that guy. That is the, that was the last fucking guy. Dude.

When he beat him up and then said, sons in four calmly, I was like, dude, this guy's another level, man. Another level. And not only that,

he was the row below total disadvantage. Yeah. And he knew he was smart enough to pull the guy down by his collar chain and have control and then do that. And then he was talking while he was doing it and the breathing guy was unreal yeah the other kid he didn't have any heart it's like he did it because he wanted to do it and he didn't even throw it hard and then he got yanked then he was just laying there like like waiting for it to be oh please cover up your

face i saw an interview with him and his nose was just scraped. And he goes, this is from the jewelry. Because everyone said I got destroyed because I barely got even hit. He was like sitting there. He goes, I just needed to clear that up. He's going, I didn't. Dude, you got fucking wailed on and you stood there and did nothing. Yeah.

Yeah, that was brutal. Who do you got? I got, I got, I got, I know that the Hawks have an advantage now. If Giannis is back, I got, I got, I know that the Hawks have an advantage now. If Giannis is back, I still got Buck's sons. If he's out, I think Atlanta goes to the finals, dude, for the East. Can't believe I'm saying that. Yeah, I think the sons, you know, I'm very surprised, though,

that they went into Phoenix and won the game. But I got to tell you, the sons have not been shooting well. They just haven't. They had, like, back-to-back games where they just were not um they've been ugly games since like game two like game three i went to was an ugly game uh game four was ridiculous it was like a seven minute stretch where neither one of them could score a bucket i saw that i saw that that was that was crazy i was watching that in a cigar bar with like clipper fans who are fucking great people i haven't smoked i didn't even bring a stick camping because i was with my kids i need good one it's hot out tonight maybe we want to drop to like 75 get a nice stick you know uh i understand I've been smoking like a fucking lunatic. I hadn't smoked in three months. I had one with Bobby Kelly. Now I'm back on.

I just talked to Bobby. He was on the podcast. Bobby's going to Vegas tomorrow. No, he isn't. Yeah, he's going to be in Vegas. I go, dude, Bird's going to be out there. I did. I got to hit him up. He's going to be on Vegas. Fuck. Yeah, he's going to be out there. You got to smoke a stick with Billy's. I got to hit him up. So, so uh oh god dude you two in vegas if i wasn't doing this party if i wasn't doing this party dude chapelle's out there i think rogan might be out there oh wow dude oh be at a craps table oh my god no fucking way dude i do my show and I go back to the room. Throw dice? I mean, you're not throwing dice.

They don't open a private table, no? Dude, I never got into that dumb ass. You know what I like about throwing craps? There's no skill to it. Those guys sit, they stack them up, and they got their own way, little fucking thing of doing it. It's like, I don't like playing games of chance a chance that just it bores the shit out of me i like cards like if i if i was ever gonna gamble i feel like uh i'd learn how to count cards

and play 21 or i would sit down and play poker with money i could fucking lose and have a good time and just trying to read people and fit because that's actually kind of helps you in life where you're learning how to read people and you know that type of shit i had this and there's something about like now i'm playing against you this isn't just necessarily the casino having the odds like this and i'm just going to get my ass handed to me the longer i sit here so no dude i'm doing my show it's going right back to the room I got a bunch of buddies out there, and we're going to smoke some Cuban cigars. Oh, dude. Order some room service.

It's fucking over. I'll put a decent fucking movie on. That's it. But I wish I was out there. I would knock on your fucking door, and you'd be singing. I would be like, hey, Bill, let's just go. We got a private gambling thing. Just us. All right. no i like the sports book too yes like one of the things i want to do possibly next father's day my favorite sports book uh back in the day was at the mgm

and sit there and just fucking smoke a stick and just put money on like a baseball game. Something's going to take like three hours or like an afternoon baseball game. So I know I don't have to rush down to get a seat. There's not going to be some guy standing here with his fucking balls next to my ear. If I get a seat, you know, like on one of those football fucking Sundays. That would be great. A little club sandwich, Paul? You just reminded me of a bad memory. I was at the sports book at the Luxor in Vegas,

and the Yankees were beating the shit out of the Red Sox in game three. That game that we were beating, you know, like 17 to one. And that was game three. And I'm going, this series is fucking over. That's when Matsui, we were fucking hitting all over Fenway. And then I go, ah, go home. I'll watch them sweep. And then you guys won that one game.

And then fucking Dave Roberts steals second. You win the other game. Like, ah, we got tomorrow. And, dude, I ran out of time. Oh, 0-4? 0-4. Remember game three? Yeah, that was like 19-1 because they said it almost said 19-18

up on the fucking. I don't know what it was. When I saw it, it was like 17-1. Matsui was hitting them. And I'm going to go, and, dude, you guys came i don't know what it was when i saw it it was like 17 to 1 matsui was hitting and i'm gonna i would go and dude you guys came you know what i gotta be honest i love that game which game the red sox fan i love that game it was like great finally they're just gonna lose four in a row rather than going to game seven get my hopes up and then fucking choke great put two behind my ear i don't give a fuck it is good watching your favorite team go out like where you don't have to have the heartbreak but

you like to see a fight you gotta like to see a fight no paul i i saw the fight i saw it in 78 i saw an 86 i saw it in 88 i saw the early fucking 90s i saw it 99 i saw it in 86. I saw it in 88. I saw it in the early fucking 90s. I saw it in 99. I saw it in 2003. I always fucking saw it. That's great. They're right there. They're right there.

This might be it. And it was always. See, that's why I never respected the misery of Cubs fans as much. Because the Cubs, back in the day, they just had the decency. They were out back in the day they just had the decency to they were out of it by may hey let's fucking play too and i i've been to the i went to that wrigley during the curse of the goat you didn't feel the angst right everybody was just fucking acting like jerk offs in the sun during the day. Yeah. It was like a keg party.

It was a keg party. You were rooting for the Washington Generals. That was just the fucking vibe. I'm like, do these people even give a fuck? It was such – I'm saying this in a wrong way. It was such an amazing place to watch a game. They didn't need to win. Right.

It was insane, dude. It was like stepping back into time like when you could just you know and we live right around the corner from abbotsfield and there's guys fucking pushing like uh fruit stands or something or a donkey carrying little trolleys going by that's what it looked like when like the neighborhood team was literally in your neighborhood yeah they didn't need to win it was fucking amazing so that was really my anger my apology to cubs fans it wasn't a bunch of jerk offs it was me going like these fucking assholes have been waiting longer than me they look happier than i am so yeah i was like upset by that yeah i'll tell you man when we were at the garden and the angst to win in that playoff game,

and I took my son to the only win. But, dude, I'll never forget, like, that feeling. I was just like, this is special, man. And that's the difference. I'm not trying to pick on the Nets fans. I know that they – but MSG, they'll do the stupid shit. Oh, our DJ in the corner, and he'll just do a quick thing. But it was like when it was back to the game, it was like in unison.

Like, all right, get that fuck. It was almost like when the DJ came on at MSG, the fans were like, all of them were like, all right, dude, that's cool. Nobody was like, yeah. Do you think there's something to do with the fact that the Brooklyn Nets and the LA Clippers are the second choice in both cities, the Brooklyn nets and the LA Clippers are the second choice in both cities that they have to fucking try to add this Chuckie cheese sort of environment when you're there.

Like we, you know, they got everything but a fucking rollercoaster going on. I think what they do is I think they do do like, we're going to be the fun ones. Like I know even the Mets, the Mets were like, we're going to have another field where the kids could play.

And actually, and like, they try to be like, we're the cool, we're the cool, easygoing ones. That just means your team sucks. Yeah. We're the cool uncle. You know, we're the cool uncle. And it's like, no, no, no.

You got to fucking win. If you want to entertain my kids, win a fucking World Series. Exactly. If you want to make some more money, win. And then we'll buy all of this shit up i don't like these baseball fields that have pools they have fuck you see the fans and they'll show more than one yes there's a couple there's one there's a is there two yeah there's there's at least two there's one one in the midwest right but then there's those the one in the diamond

bags yeah no but there's yeah no Yeah. No, there's a couple. There's a couple where they show the people in the water. And it's like, you know what field is the most beautiful baseball field? It's the most beautiful baseball field I've ever been to in my life. And it's an absolute fucking sin that this team is not better. The nicest baseball field that I've been to, I heard San Francisco's great, I've never been, but it's the Pittsburgh Pirates, man.

When you see the bridges in the outfield and you see the shrubs that were cut to say pirates and anywhere you sit is nice. It's a fucking beautiful ballpark. It's so fucking nice. And I'm just going like the teams don't even care, man. This owner doesn't care. This is, this fucking field is the shit i would watch a game there no disrespect to fucking my yankees or anything like that we remember dude how great was pittsburgh it was fucking incredible pittsburgh san francisco san diego has a great stadium and i need i need to be to wrigley i can't believe i haven't been to wrigley i gotta go to wrigley field baltimore's one of the early you should still be able to smoke a cigar in the stance

you know i went first time i went to rigley they still didn't even have the lights up i went there in uh the early 80s like 83 maybe i went to yankee stadium when Dave Righetti was there, Dave Winfield, Roy Smalley, Rick Cerrone. I think it was those years. Who's the greatest ball player you've ever saw live? Oh, that's a good one. That is a good one. How about you, Andrew?

I never saw Reggiegie so wait a second it'd have to be somebody from back then so i knew that they weren't on the juice um i mean i saw bo jackson i saw uh who else else? Bo Jackson's a great one, dude. Bo Jackson. I saw Ricky Hansen. As you said that, it just hit me. Dude, Bo Jackson is a great one. I mean, listen, I saw Ken Griffey go yard at Yankee Stadium multiple times to right field.

He was a great one. I was at Barry Bond's first game ever at Yankee Stadium, but it was when he was a giant, and it's when he looked like the fucking Hulk. Yeah, I know. I mean, I saw all those roided up guys. I saw all of those guys. I saw it. Rest his soul.

I saw, you know, something. I basically saw American League guys because they didn't have interleague play unless you made it to the World Series. So I would have to say I'm trying to think. I never saw the Yankees until I got a little bit older. So I missed Reggie, and I never saw him when he was on the Angels. Reggie would have been a great one. Reggie would have been a great one.

Dude, I got to be honest with you. I think Bo Jackson might be better than Reggie. I'll be honest with you, dude. Bo Jackson, dude? No, he's a much better athlete or whatever. Dude, Reggie's a fuck. Dude, Reggie? I know, dude. That's he's a much better athlete or whatever. Dude, Reggie's a... Dude, Reggie? I know, dude, but Bo?

That's a crazy statement, Paul. Bo Jackson? Talk about the greatest fucking... The guy could have been Hall of Famer two sports. Dude, Reggie Jackson. Three quarters of the way up the light tower at the fucking All-Star game? No, no, no. You're right. As far as baseball... One three in a row up the light tower at the fucking all-star game no no no you're right as far as three in a row with the a's i guess my question was what the yankees hit three home

runs in a fucking world series game i'm the straw that stirs the drink i mean come reggie you're out of your fucking mind no no listen listen i'm saying now that i think about my question my question was who's the best ball player you might be right with reggie i'm best athlete i ever saw jackson jackson is the coolest baseball player yeah and i saw jim rice obviously i saw uh you know stramski carlton fisk i saw all of those guys and i'd have to think back to who um who was in the american league we used to see the tigers all the time trammel and lance parish and all of them but like yeah we used to go to like a tigers and an indians game like every year because my family i have family out there in ohio and uh detroit

but um yeah i saw, I would have to say some of those Kansas City Royal teams that had George Brett. I think, was George Brett gone by the time Bo Jackson came there? I can't remember. That's a long time ago. Greatest hockey player I ever saw was probably Mario Lemieux.

Don't I get to do my baseball? Don't I get to do my baseball? I mean. Oh, sorry, I'm selfish. Go ahead. No, I was going to say as far as not roided up, I would say 97, I went to the old Shea Stadium. Somebody

talked me into going. And I got tickets. And I go, dude, my grandfather rolled over in his grave. I walk in and I join. Just joking. Because my grandfather actually liked to watch the Mets and he rooted for them when the Yankees were on the radio. He'd watch the Met game. That on TV and I saw rest his soul I saw a fat out of shape Tony Gwynn and I think it was Tony Gwynn's last year in the majors dude and he came up with a belly like it wasn't like it was like he came up with a belly dude and he had an o2 count and he just fucking slapped it in the gap and got a stand-up double

and it was almost like he did it because he didn't want to run he's just like we knew where to put it and i was i remember dude i was like this guy i saw like i said man i saw bonds hit one that was it was so funny how far it went it just was. And then the next day he put it same place fair. That doesn't count. But I would have to say the two greatest baseball players with no association to juice would have to be Ken Griffey Jr. and Tony Gwynn as far as like just – I saw Ken Griffey.

Yeah. I don't know if I ever saw Tony Gwynn. All right, best hockey player I ever saw Tony Gwynn. All right. Best hockey player I ever saw, Mario Lemieux. Saw him live. You're not a hockey guy. Best hockey player I ever saw live. I'm trying to think if when I went to the Ranger game, he was there.

I don't think he was. I saw Pat LaFontaine on the Islanders. That's a great one. I saw Pat LaFontaine on the Islanders. That's a great one. I saw Pat LaFontaine on the Islanders, my first hockey game ever. He was great. Yeah. Sabre ran an Islander. Yep.

I remember my uncle lived in Long Island. He goes, I'm going to take you to your first hockey game. I go, all right. He goes, we're going to see. He goes, you got to look out for this guy, Pat LaFontaine. He's the guy. He's the guy. And I remember being like, oh, shit.

You know, Nassau Coliseum. Greatest football player you ever saw? Oh, Tommy T threw it to Moss. I might have to say, you know, best athletic. Listen, I've said this many times. I'll say it again. Jerry Rice is the best receiver of all time. Randy Moss is the best athlete at that position I've seen. If Randy

Moss had Jerry Rice's here, it would be over and he's still number two everywhere. I saw Tommy throw a fucking- It's Tom. Don't call him Tommy. I'll stop calling him Manny Rivera again. Okay. I saw Tom Brady break the record to Moss. I saw that. So I would have to say, listen, man, the guy's been to fucking 10 Super Bowls, has seven rings. How could I not say him? And I saw him do it to go 16 and 0 in the regular season.

I was at that game. That game was unbelievable, man. All right. I got Dan Marino. Oh, I saw Marino. I saw marino in the 80s though uh i saw pre achilles injury mark duper mark clayton um the marx brothers that quick release there was not you could not sack the man i saw him at sullivan stadium on fucking astroturf in 87 or 88 i'm wondering if both clayton duper was still there i can't remember i saw eric

dickerson i saw warren moon trying to think of the quarterbacks jim kelly i saw all these guys the same season too which is fucking nuts i saw I saw Jeff George when he played for the fucking, I'm not saying these guys are great. I'm just thinking. I saw Jeff George. He was playing for the Colts when I saw him. He was playing for the Colts when I saw him too. I saw Peyton.

I saw Peyton play. I saw Peyton. I saw Peyton versus Brady a couple of times. Never saw Elway. Never saw Montana there's a lot of ones that I should have seen that didn't

I saw Michael Jordan when he still had hair yeah I was going to say play an exhibition game in North Carolina at the Dean Dome the first year of it in 88

to get people excited that pro basketball was coming to uh North Carolina I saw Patrick I saw I saw Kobe Shaq in their run at the garden we had really bad seats though pissed me off I saw Kobe and Shaq at the old forum when Del Harris was still coaching wow did I ever tell you Del Harris? I talked to, I was hammered. I was fucking hammered drunk and Del Harris came to the Dallas improv,

the Addison improv. And because his son after I was, I was with you. So after me and you did the show, you went back and this guy goes, Hey man, I'm running a, I'm running a comics night here.

You want to jump on? And I'm again, I see fucking Del Harris there. And he goes, yeah, his son, Dom Harris is going on stage. So I'm fucking hammered. I shouldn't want to jump on and again i see fucking dell harris there and he goes yeah his son dom harris is going on stage so i'm fucking hammered i shouldn't want to say i went on stage drunk because me and you were done for the night anyway i go up to dell harris hammered and i go hey dude i'm a big big fan of basketball and everything man it's so cool you're here

like you're supporting your son like that he He goes, oh, thanks. I go, yeah, you know, blah, blah. Let me ask you something to do. He goes, he was like, yeah, please. I love talking basketball. He was like totally into it. And I go, he saw me perform. So he liked me. That's why I was, I got the in and I go, dude, who's been like, if you had to coach in their prime, no headaches. So I said to him, I go, if you had to coach in their prime, no headaches, Kobe or Iverson, I said to him and he goes, he goes, what people, this is what he said to me. He goes, what people don't understand about players at that level is he goes, the difference is like, like when you have a guy that holds a franchise like that and can play at that, the difference is like, it's a few little things, things but so he he like took the political way to do it but he's like those guys are just like those guys are just like nuts you know and he didn't really say i'm surprised

because i thought he would go kobe right away maybe or something but he was just kind of like yeah but he doesn't know you and what you're gonna go go tweet out. So he did the right move. You know, everybody's special in their own unique way. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah. Appreciate you being a fan because without you, I wouldn't have a job. But I guess I'd have to say LeBron James is the best because I saw him like I was right on the court when he was there. And I never saw somebody that was built like Karl Malone play like somebody that was built like Carl Malone play like somebody that was built like John Stockton. That's what it was like. When you watch LeBron James, you're like,

how can he play at that size and that Jack and play basically the one, two, three, four. And if you asked him to play the five, he'd probably get through it. Like that's how fucking, you know, um, you know, I saw bird Magic, Jordan. Wow. Game over right there. Yeah, my first game was Bird-Jordan at the Old Garden. Wow, wow.

That's great. It was older Bird. He didn't play much of the game, but Jordan was. Do you know what they say? He hurt his back. Blacktop in his own driveway. I heard that. Yeah.

Used to go down to Grossman's or Somerville. Oh, Lumba! And you get that black top and it would come with a brush for somebody about 5'10", 6' tall, and he was 6'9". How great would it be if it was because of all the fucking he did? Just a fucking. Well, this is just the publicist story. It might be that. No, but he was like notoriously like frugal. Like when he was at the Olympics, he left the Olympic village because he thought they were charging too much for a beer.

when he was at the Olympics, he left the Olympic village because he thought they were charging too much for a beer. See that? Yeah, dude. And I heard, I hate to say that, but I heard stories about that, about great ex Yankees. Like some of these guys, ah, he never, he never liked to take it out of his wallet. He never liked to grab his wallet. Is there anything worse than somebody who hangs on to money like that? No it's there's some weird i think the way people grow up and have their mental thing with their insecurity or something there's something to that there's something with the family either not having money there's something to that because that makes no sense to me to me i can't even wrap my fucking head around it i can't wrap me you know me i'm like i'm the i i can't even wrap my fucking head around it. I can't wrap me. You know me. I'm like,

I'm the, I can't even fucking get it. I'll fucking spend anything. I don't give a fuck, dude. I don't give a fuck, dude. I'm not even joking around. If I had enough money, I'll buy you a fucking car. I'm not even joking. I don't give a fuck. I'll buy you a car. If I had, listen, this is, I'm being dead serious. I'm being dead. This isn't even a joke. When me and Bill, remember me and Bill were in Berlin and I bought this watch. This is my favorite watch, by the way, not expensive watch, watch is like three, $400, whatever. And I said to Bill and Kenny, I go pick a watch. I'll get it. And Kenny goes, wow, that's really generous. He goes, I go, he goes, I, he goes, I've never, he goes, but on the road with guys, guys, guys don't normally do that. I go, Kenny, $300. He goes, guys don't do that.

It's like, if I had, let's just say I had infinite money, A-Rod, like money, and I was with you, too, and we were at a car dealership, and I'd buy you a fucking car, both of you, that day, that fucking day. And that's God's honest truth. That's the God's honest truth, man. Ask my wife. Ask my fucking wife, dude. We'll go out there.

We're matching three cars. Why are you acting like somebody's arguing with you? Because I just fucking hilarious. You get on these things. I'll do it. I don't give a fuck. You know, you know that people know me. You think I give a fuck.

I don't give a fuck. Ask my wife. Because you know what? Because I don't understand not being that way. I don't understand it. that way i don't understand it we're gonna die dude i still remember visiting my buddy at college and we ordered a domino's pizza a couple of them and this one his roommate said he wasn't hungry and then he just lingered for that last slice he's like well i have it if you guys aren't gonna eat it we all just went off on him you tight

you tight there's not dude that's one of the most unappealing you expect that from a woman okay but from a guy being a tight dude it's just that it there's is there anything worse Paul is it what are you doing worse because then you're hanging out with them and you got to sit there and waste all this energy to see how this guy is going to try to work you or fucking angle the check or do some horse shit, you know? Yes. Yes. That's a great point, Bill. That explains how they live their life. If you're at dinner with a group of people and you're angling the bill then what do you do in

life like how are you in life my parent you that parent if you hold on to money that tight your fucking kids are not going to have as good a childhood as they could have because you're a tight fuck i had family members i don't want to mention names i had family members that did things that now when i'm with my family i'm fucking fucking, I'm opposite. But my two worst are cheap and selfish. Those are the two, man. I used to go to McDonald's with a childhood friend, and I would get a cheeseburger and fries, and he would never get fries. And in the end, he would ask if I could have some fries.

And I finally asked him, I go, why do you always do that? He goes, well, because I always see that you don't quite finish your French fries. I'm like, dude're 35 they were 35 cents for a small fry back then oh my god we both had paper roots like what are we were fucking we were rolling in money i was making like seven eight bucks a week dude i had no overhead what was that gonna do what was that gonna do with that paul yeah no you're a you're you're great you're you're generous you know when i think I was making almost like 20 bucks a week. 17 to $20 a week in like the fourth grade, dude.

It was like being a millionaire. My question to those people is what's your goal in the end? Because when you're laying there dead in a fucking box and your family, okay, I get it. Your family, you want to take care of your kids and your family. I get that. Okay. But you got life insurance for that. You put some money aside, but what are you trying to accomplish by being frugal like that? And all these people that like, you know, my stepfather was telling me, he knows a guy that goes, Oh dude, if you go down to that grocery store, you save like 35 cents on like, and it's like, it's like, what are we, what are you doing? And here's the thing, dude, it's, it's never as good either.

No, you get what you pay for. I don't get it. I knew a guy growing up. He owned, uh, let's just say he, he built, you know, thousands of houses. He was worth well over like $20 million and his brother had no money. My dad said one time he says this guy he goes yeah he goes that's so-and-so's brother i'm like oh wow he goes yeah he goes his brother sold him a sold him a house at full cost guys tens of millions of dollars sold his his brother who was in his 60s at the time a house for like 300 grand yeah that that's i could see maybe he does that

because he's trying to teach him a lesson no no no no no this this was the he gets to be 60 it's like this guy's never going to be good with money can you just hook him up he's your brother no he was just yeah now bad with money and cheap with money i i are two things i just can't i can't get behind it i i don't understand it all right let's go the other way yeah let's look at this guy who's a broke fuck at 60 years of age okay because he's acting like a fucking idiot you got to keep like my shit is i'll help somebody out if they're in a hole but if they're face down in it digging it deeper i'm not throwing any money into that of course no i'm with you on that on that. Yeah. If you're not fucking doing what you need to do to help you,

if you're reaching up, I'll try to pull you out. Right. Right. No, no. Drinking and drugging and fucking being a fucking moron. It's like I'm not your parent here. It's not my job. Right.

So you're saying if a friend that you loved, a friend that you dearly love called up and said, I lost 10 grand gambling, I need it. You can't help that guy. No. If someone's a drug addict and they're using and they get to you, give them 10 grand, they'll kill themselves. Yeah. Yeah. Go and buy a bunch of drugs and go to a motel room and do it and die.

You can't. Yeah. There's people like I'd be like, I will absolutely help you when you get your shit together. Come on, man. I got my shit together. You know, they're going to fucking do that. Oh, episode 22, man. Huh?

This was a good one. I'm not going to see. From sharting to fucking being a tight fuck. I mean, I think we covered it all. Sharting, fireworks, tight fucks. I know we've talked about anything worse or anything better. Is anything funnier than a grown man sharting? It's just,

there's nothing funnier. You don't want to be there, but the story, it's just, it's fucking hilarious. Uh, yeah, yeah.

And the old men at urinals farting is when I go to the – I was just – you go into like a public urinal, and there's just an old guy. He's got no care. He's 70, and he's just got no care. I'm just at the urinal crying. And like you can't show that you're laughing because of it, but there's something so funny that nothing is left. Like they don't laugh.

They're just, I got one for you. Is there anything scarier than walking down the street? And there's a homeless guy asleep on the sidewalk and you're walking around him. And as you walk around him, he opens one eye and looks right at you. No,

that happened to me today. Wow. I was like, it was like trying to sneak by a tiger and then he saw me i was like oh fuck is this guy gonna get up dude oh my god dude i was i i had i had a real bad stomach virus i had to run into a public restroom and use it some fucking guy was rocking back and forth and he put his eye to the crack dude and this guy's looking at me he put his eye to the crack as i'm there and he's going oh come on come on dude that's real dude that was fucking brutal it was brutal like that yeah that guy was either gonna shit himself or whatever but he put his eye in the crack and i go all right

dude like you know is there anything worse to thinking you have the next hour and a half off and then you get a text from your wife to go run an errand uh all right well here's the deal guys here at anything better we hope you have a very safe happy healthy fourth of j Okay. We're all about the, uh, the having a good time and the fireworks and celebrating the birthday of the greatest country on earth, but be safe out there. Have a, have a good time with your friends and family drink responsibly. Cause we're about that. Okay. Have a nice time. Have a garden hose, spray down the area where shit could possibly catch on fire.

If you're Paul, have some counties worth of fire departments, spray down a forest. Guys, thank you guys so much for subscribing to Anything Better. Anything Better podcast is growing and it's all because of you guys. So please like, subscribe, rate, review. The podcast makes the show move up. I'm going to be coming out to LA soon when I get a little pocket there and schedules match. We'll be out there doing it from the All Things Comedy studios. I will be doing my next special in September. We just got some dates added. So July, what is it? July 31st. No, July 23rd.

I will be at the Connecticut Comedy Festival. July 23rd, Connecticut Comedy Festival at the Fairfield Theater, The Shoe. I will be there one night only, two shows, 7 and 9.30, I believe. Tickets are on paulverzi.com. July 30th through the 31st, I will be in Nashville, Tennessee at Zany's doing two shows, only 9.30 each night. Yeah, I'll be there. Nashville, I just got another date added. We're not announcing that one yet,

but we got the Wise Guys date moved to September 3rd and 4th. We'll be shooting my special in the middle of september i'll have those announcements soon go to my youtube go to the versi effect all that stuff and i know bill you got some stuff coming up yeah i got vegas and then i got um uh casino gig uh what are those two casinos out there and uh you're doing foxwoods foxwoods in august foxwoods in august that's what i got and then there's i'm doing a benefit at the wiltern john mayer's headlining it with his band it's going to be me derosa jeff ross and john mayer it's going to be great gee andrew you want to go to that one i know know you do. Huge John Mayer fan, Andrew. All right, that's the podcast, everybody.

I saw you perk right up. I was going to ask. I don't ask much. I was going to ask. All right, guys. Well, did you ever hear Andrew play guitar? Andrew fucking shreds. Andrew is a talented kid.

He's a talented kid. He's a great Paul paul i mean it goes it's unspoken so was jeff george jeff george also greek is jeff george greek yeah my grandmother knew his grandmother of course she did a greek freak there what was his real last name george rapalopoulos i don't even know i I thought that was it. George? That's not a Greek. That's a, I want to get work in America.

No, he's probably half Greek and his father wasn't. He's probably like, George has got to be his father's name because Greek is not George for sure. Anyways. So this was a good episode. No disrespect. Part of this podcast is when you said all those things nice about the pirates while wearing pirates colors with your background. Yeah, I would go to,

I would go to PNC park and watch a ball game that the Yankees weren't in just because of how beautiful that place is. And if that owner gets their shit together, that fucking stadium should be rocking and those people should win a championship. That's how nice. They deserve it. They've been waiting almost 50 years, 42 years. 42 years, Paul.

Who beat them? Was it us? What, beat the Pirates? Yeah, they beat us, right? Yeah, that fucking guy hit that home run there. Was that the shot heard around the world or was that the Giants? No, the shot heard around the world was the Giants. It wasn't around the world was a giant so it wasn't the giants all right so yeah that

was the one uh phil mazaro went to it yeah we went to with uh where the old uh was it forbes field was we went to a fudruckers too fudruckers are fucking great fudruckers hamburgers used to be good we talked about it on chip chip iterson. They're still good. I love those things. They just had bad marketing. It was a little much in there, though. What's the fast food chain that's just out there? There's a zillion of them, and you've just never been to one. Can they stop toasting and buttering hot dog and hamburger buns? I don't want a crunchy, buttery bun.

Like, just fucking put the bun. You know why they toast the bun? So the greasy patty doesn't make the bread all soggy but what about the butter they don't have to put butter in it i don't know paul i was gonna i was leaning towards arby's oof gun to your head what's your favorite chicken no i never go to arby's oh you know i've never met somebody who's like hey man you want to go to Arby's. Oh, you don't? I've never met somebody who's like, hey, man, you want to go to Arby's? They're advertising like crazy.

We got the meats. They're showing all of this what the fuck they're doing over there, acting like they're smoking brisket every day over there. You guys aren't fucking doing that. Somebody's doing that in the Philippines, and then you freeze it, and you guys make it like a fucking two cents a year, and then you ship it over here. Stop acting like you got a real smokehouse going on there,by's how much money did they get vin rains that guy got more

money on that we got the meats ad then probably that guy must have a contract guys and he can do it from home probably has a microphone set up he's sitting hold on sweetie i got one more take all right we got the meat he's just laying there. He's got Arby's sandwiches on his stomach. His silk sheiks. Dude, what about Sam Jackson with that fucking that bank commercial? What's in your wallet? Oh, Capital One. Crushing those. Dude, Jason Bateman is the new spokesperson for Hyundai. What's his name? John Goodman with Dunkin' Donuts. Glenn Close is doing a fucking, is doing a, I think a car dealer. I love that celebrities aren't shameful about it anymore.

They used to sneak overseas. Yeah. They would do little fucking ads over there. I remember Jim Brewer. Shout out to Jim Brewer. He did a Pizza Hut stuffed crust pizza. And even myself was thinking, like, what the fuck is he doing? He did it.

He did it. Well, you know, Seinfeld and Carlin. Rest Carlin's soul. They did AT&T commercials where you paid at the pump. They started it like a little bit like that. But people were like, what are they doing? They're bigger than that. And now you got Oscar winners fucking doing that shit yeah it's over what are you gonna sign on for what are you

gonna sign on for paul well what's what's next daniel day lewis gonna be might as tires guys like the most epic actor in the world i don't know man listen if the money's right what are you gonna do it's over they would never hire daniel day lewis because it'd take them a year to get ready to just do the fucking commercial like buddy we need to sell this shit now i need to be the tire it's like no you know you just gotta you just you don't have to all. What would you do? What would you do? Your commercial. I would do a luxury car or a watch. Luxury car or a watch.

I would be like the spokesperson for either like Tag Heuer or, you know, I love swatches. I love swatches. I would do that. And then if I was a car, I would like to be the spokesperson for Lexus. You hear that, Lexus? Lexus, this is all I'm asking for. Give me the new ES350, new version of my thing. I'll plug it everywhere.

Talk about it. I'll do videos. Let's talk. Call my people. I don't think you're classy enough for that brand, Paul. What? Who? You're not. You're too regular regular you're like a tad stakes like if i was your agent i'd be like paul i i can work with you but i need to get you into reality

lexus is not gonna have your joe pesci ass coming out there being like hey get one of these fucking lexuses take it down to the casino tell your broad to shut the fuck up oh it looks like a class act that's all they're gonna see jesus i don't i hope i don't sound like i tell my wife to shut up that's dude oh my god i'm not saying you do paul but this is what people don't understand what you look like is what you are until they get to know you. You haven't done any commercials yet. When you come walking in, they're going to have you play a bouncer.

You got that gold watch on? Right now they think you're fucking connected. Like when I came in, when I used to have hair, they were like, oh, the friend. Oh, he doesn't get the girl. He's fucking Ron Howard. That's all they think. You know? I'll do a sunblock commercial.

No, I mean, I would, I think I am a bald ginger and I am now standing out here in the Sahara with no hat on and I'm not nervous at all. Cause I got fucking. Dude, that,

when you said that reminded me, you guys know Brian post saying, dude, dude, his joke fucking hilarious. dude, his joke. Fucking hilarious. Dude, his joke. I think about it now.

I cry laughing. He had a joke. He goes, I was in a strip club. And he goes, and the stripper comes up to me. She goes, you look like you like to bend sluts over and fuck him in the ass. He goes, I look like that. sluts over and fuck him in the ass. He goes, I look like that. Well, tell me what I have to do to not look like that. Because that's fucking awful.

Yeah, I that's a fucking great joke. Oh, she goes, I look like great joke oh she goes i look like well tell me what i have to do to not look like that because that's fucking awful dude i if i ever see him i'm gonna say it's like the funniest that's one of the funniest things um no he had a joke a long time ago where he had tied something onto the roof of his car or something and it was coming off and these people people were yelling at him as he was driving by, and he forgot he had it up there.

So he thought they were yelling at him. And he was just going, what? He's going, fuck you! He's trying to help him out. That's like trains, planes, and automobiles. They're going, you're going the wrong way. They go, what? Yeah, keep drinking. You're going the wrong way they go what yeah keep drinking

you're going the wrong way and then john goodman was in the devil outfit and steve martin uh rest his soul um i don't think that i don't think that lexus is too classy john candy just so people don't wait what did i say john candy i just say people from comments steve martin's still alive oh yeah yeah no john john candy hopefully hopefully they know that but i don't think lexus is too classy for me dude i would go in and address i think you hurt their brand and here's the thing paul how many times have you and i gone to a certain city and we're walking around the city and you literally said to me bill look how these people are fucking looking at us yeah middle america

yeah in charleston south carolina in wisconsin we were in charleston south carolina i don't want to get that hey bob i'm not buying that mafioso wagon this kid's selling. However the fuck they talk out there. I had $27 worth of prosciutto and cheese in a bag, and I had flip-flops on and a shirt that said Eli Knows, and we were walking down the street in Charleston, South Carolina. And you go, look at you. Yeah. And you want to sell Lexuses nationally.

All right. Fair enough. Anyway, guys. See that? See, that's why. Is there anything better than when your favorite podcast is about to end and then shit comes on like that and we're in tears and we give you another 10 minutes? No, it's not. Who else is doing that?

Fucking subscribe. This is episode 22. We love you.