Anything Better? - In A Box

Episode Date: February 12, 2022

Bill & Paul talk about the arguing strategies and death.  Bespoke Post: Get twenty percent off your first monthly box when you sign up at BoxOfAwesome.com and enter the code better at checkout Helix is offering up to 200 dollars off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners at HelixSleep.com/better

what's up everybody and welcome back to your favorite podcast in the world it's the anything better podcast with me paul verzi bill burr producer andrew themless and you guys are listening to episode number 52. How many cards are there to play at deck? 52. 52 pick up. Who do we got? Who do we got? Let me see. Let me click on the thing.

I know right off the bat, Ray Lewis. It's a big one. I mean, that's about as big as it gets for 52, I would think. That's like an anchorman. This is a big one. Oh, wait. We do have some big ones. Ray Lewis, Mike Webster, the great center, Robert Brazil. You remember him, Paul,

that all pro linebacker for the, uh, the Houston Oilers, Frank Gatsky. Don't know him. Kevin, my way. That sounds like more your era. Um, let me see substantial players wearing 52, not yet in the hall of fame are Patrick Willis, Dave Edwards, comedian, Clay, Clay Matthews, Pepper Johnson. That's a great one. Oh, Pepper Johnson. I remember him. Pepper Johnson. Uh, Ted Johnson, a lot of Johnsons in this.

Mike Jones. I'm Mike Jones. I'm spinning on fo-fos or whatever the kids say. Dick Ambrose. And that's it. Tripping on fo-fos. I'm Mike Jones. Here's my phone number.

Did that guy die? He didn't die, did he? I don't think so. One of those guys died. He didn't die, did he? I don't think so. One of those guys died. I don't know much about rap, but there was one song.

It wasn't like the biggest rapper either, and the guy died. And I was like, oh, that's terrible. I really like that song. Dude, speaking of rappers, how excited am I? And somebody said something funny. They go, everybody in their 40s is so psyched for the Super Bowl show. Dude, the Super Bowl show is fucking Snoop, Eminem, Dr. Dre, Mary J. Blige, Kendrick Lamar, who's more of a newer. Yeah, yeah.

He broke in the last decade. And he's nasty. I mean, he's really, really good. But, dude, I'm sorry. Paul, I actually think he's a fine young man he's he's gonna crush i'm the guy who doesn't know anything about hip-hop why would you say such things the man won a grammy um dude i got one for you so uh i backed off of my kids' sports.

Both of them, I just backed off. Not even saying, like, not even. Just go, hey, man, go have fun. Go have fun. And you know what? No more throwing your hat across the room? No, no, no. I was never that guy.

I was never that guy. But I was the guy. The hell was that? I was. I'll tell you what it was. That was horse shit. Grabbing your kid by his face max you disgust me throwing chairs in the kitchen that's my name you play on both sides of the ball me and your mother socialize in this community.

No, dude, I did like- I will legally change your name if you get beat by one more pick and roll out there. You want your mother's maiden name? No, dude, I was just, I was never the guy like that. But I was the guy going like, hey, did you play your best? Did you do? And then all of a sudden, like, if they didn't play their best, you know, they feel bad.

So I'm just like, you know what? Go fucking have fun. That's it. And you know what? It's freeing for me. It's freeing for them. And I was like, dude, I couldn't imagine a parent that's like that. Dude, there were parents like that, dude.

My father. I like how you just stopped being that parent and now you can't imagine it anymore no no i'm not that i was never that parent you were kind of that parent no i was like hey well you called me this week and i told you i said don't he's going to be thinking about like you breaking down his game like you know skip bayless listen dude i'm going to tell my son and daughter it's all in that look away but go ahead let me hear you i'm going to tell my son and daughter. It was all in that local way, but go ahead. Let me hear you defend. I'm going to tell my son or daughter, did you play your best? I'm going to say that.

If that's being a – listen. I'm going to get in that kitchen. No, no, no. I'm turning on the stove. It's going to get a little uncomfortable. Dude, my father coached my brother Christian's little league team, right? And they're in the championship game and the fucking pitcher just breaks down crying and and my dad walked out and goes what's wrong

and he goes my dad my dad is just and my fucking father looked over at this guy's dad like what the fuck are you doing dude they're in literally and dude the kid like couldn't throw kid just had a meltdown And Yeah My Little League coach Would have called me A fucking pussy It was the 70s What are you

A fucking pussy You would have been like Tom Cruise and Taps Take off that beret Nah he wouldn't It was a different time Paul Yeah It was a different time yeah but they wouldn't call you pussy would they would they actually like let me ask you this do you find comedy is less angry

with younger kids i just feel dads are better what do you do this i don't know you think there's going to be more sillier comedians that's a good question became a comedian because they were so smothered with love it was suffocating and became became a crushing force in the other direction no i i think that kids are gonna not fucking say what's on their mind because they're afraid that they're gonna lose their careers i think that's over paul people don't realize it this This is like, you know, hair metal in fucking 1991. Jane's Addiction already put out Ritual. Alice in Chains had already dropped an album. People didn't realize it was over, but it was already over.

I feel like it's just, it's stupid. Because like now both sides are arguing, both sides of the argument, because there was that ukulele guy that got mad at the fucking Tumblr dude, right, on his podcast. And he said, take my fucking music off. And then all of a sudden people found crazy shit that he said in the 80s about gay people, right? And then the liberals were going like, that was 35 years ago. Aren't you allowed to grow? And it's like, wait a minute.

Liberals weren't letting anybody grow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now all of a sudden it's a liberal going after a minute liberals weren't letting anybody grow yeah yeah yeah all of a sudden it's a liberal going after a guy you don't like and now he's supposed to he's supposed to be allowed to be uh fucking uh you know grow it's bullshit it's all it's all fucking hypocritical it's like when the people on the right was what was you know they want to get rid of abortion people on left of my body my choice and then the vaccination which really isn't a vaccination paul it's a shot you get vaccinated it's over

it's a wrap one and done cured you're a miracle yeah it's a shot i'm happy i got the shot because i didn't even know i had fucking covid i wasn't walking around gray gray like some of these other fucking idiots. But then the fucking liberals were trying to make the other people get the shot. Yeah. I still think you're out of your fucking mind to step off into the abyss. Because then it's like up to you. I just don't have the confidence to do that. Mainstream medicine, yeah, a lot of corruption,

a lot of fucking payoffs, all of that. And okay, Bill, now you go out in the wilderness and you go figure it out. I'm taking the evil that I know. I'm taking the Johnson baby powder right on the cooch for the fucking ovarian cancer. Yeah. No, this is what happens. You for this this is what happens hey hey this is what this is what the the the what the side one side will do in this particular case it's the left they'll go like this you take the shot yes some people

are dying but that's gonna happen millions aren't then they go, all cops are pieces of shit. Not just a few that did it. All of them. That's what human beings do. The people on the right are like, you know, America support the troops, love it or leave it. All right. Take the shot. I don't trust the government. It's like, wait a minute. You trust these pieces of shit to send your kids God knows where that just happens to be on a bunch of oil, and you trust that they're going over there for freedom, but you won't take a little flu shot? Because you think they're microchipping you, the same fucking people? The reality is, Paul, everybody is a selfish cunt, including me.

No, not only selfish. i'm looking good paul look at me i'm dropping weight let's get into vanity now not only selfish dumb everybody's dumb nobody knows anything what are you talking about i went to community college how she's doing over here dude i want to go on stage i was just thinking about that how funny would it be if i just got on stage ladies and gentlemen this next comedian is a specialist at that point as everybody she's all done she's done how she's in the back you got a drink how you doing doll face so anyways dude i swear to god i this other fucking day and i just they wouldn't believe it they wouldn't believe it because i actually think because the internet the internet is doing what travel does when you, you sort of start to lose your accent.

Like, you know, you don't see a lot. You just don't see a lot of accents unless somebody gets caught on video. One of those people that isn't on social media does go on the internet. Then you'll get a good regional accent. But people like influencers. is i this andrew look it up there's got to be an influencer with a hardcore southern you know gotta be taking sexy photos with a gun paul i'm a closet gun nut i never told told you that. I really like guns. I'm just terrified

of them because I know just, you know, I'm too scatterbrained to have a loaded one near me. The amount of times I sat down my cell phone, I'm like, where the fuck is it? Or I walk into a room and I can't remember why. And I'm going to have a fucking loaded gun in my room. I can't have it. Dude, I bought a gun gun and i just forgot like it's just up and it's just hidden and i don't even really think about it ever but i go to the rain like a treadmill you're gonna get on that thing every day and then it just sits in your garage oh dude i when you bought a bicycle i fucking told you i told you you got to give me that one i told you bicycle oh the only reason why they'll do it is i'm too old to ride one it just hurts

yeah but hurts your ass there's no fucking seat that they can get you Oh, the only reason why they'll do it is I'm too old to ride one. It just hurts. Yeah, but. Hurts your ass. There's no fucking seat that they can get you unless you just get one of those fucking my 600 pound life seats. But I actually, the reason why, you know something, the reality is the reason why I really stopped riding here because you can't ride it out here in LA. LA looks like a giant suburb, but it's a fucking city and you're going to get killed. I would ride it down the LA river Get one of those mountain bikes

I would absolutely do that Dude I'm telling you right now But I bought my wife the bike You go in people's storage units And you wanna know what's got the most dust on it A fucking bike in the corner somewhere There's always a bicycle in there In the garage

That was just beginning to get repaired. I don't know. It might, but Paul, you're not like the most active guy. Who's kidding who? What do you mean? Oh, you took that personal. You know, you go to the gym to go to fucking steam. No, I'm a fucking shoot hoops with my kids type of guy.

Yeah. Throw a football. I'm not a bicycle guy yeah you like you like leash you're a stroller paul i am a stroller yeah stroll i did the other day i was called somebody i was taking an old man walk like i'm going on a stroll and the guy guy goes, what's a stroll? I go, well, you know, treadmill, you know, you're working up a sweat. You're just walking down the street. You're going on a stroll. People that they say, how do you lose weight? I go, I go for a walk. Now you go for a stroll. I like that. I like that. If it's, it's, if it's like level ground. Oh my God, dude. Underrated going for a stroll at the end

of the day not eating not smoking a stick i'm off sticks paul i had one i had one that just lingered with me for like two days it wasn't a good one it was another one that i was told was a cuban cigar it fucking stunk and then it sat in the back of my fucking throat for like two days and i was like what am i doing i've had two cigars in months months i feel great i feel great no man it's just clearing this out man um because you know we smoke quality. And when you do a quality stick on the regular, it takes away, man. You smoke one Cuban every two weeks. Oh, it's fucking amazing. Yeah, but they're never Cubans, Paul.

They're just not. When was the last time you lit a Cuban and you went, oh, my God? Yeah, no, you could tell the difference. They are half a million. They're just not. They're beautiful fakes. Every fucking one of them every one of them now on all these fucking idiots think they got real ones and they pay the clue to me thinking that they paying 30 40 50 bucks a fucking stick get four or five of them

right the fellas over right and everybody sees that fucking cohiba band oh we fucking what's all about and you just it just mind fucks you. And then you get it halfway through the cigar. You're like, you know, that one I smoked the other day that was from Nicaragua was better than this shit. I'm done with it. Yeah, yeah. Unless I see somebody take the tobacco out of the ground

in Cuba and roll it in front of me, I'm saying bullshit. Unless I'm in Tel Aviv, Paris. Yeah. That's it. Those are the only places where I thought I consistently got one. What about Montreal? Stogies.

Yeah, they have real ones, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Toronto, I don't know. It's weird. I also think that I have this theory that, like, you know i don't know it's weird i also think that i have this theory that like you know depending on where you are like in the pecking order of countries is like you know if you get the real ones or not everybody loves paris no one wants to fuck with israel

right right they get the real ones, Canada. They're too nice to get, you know, they're getting like 40% fake. And then I've been in Asia, all those big money dudes over there, right? Dude, you gotta go to, you gotta go to fucking Asia. It's the most amazing place I've been. Dude, it's like, it's like you went to another earth is the only way to describe it they have everything over here but it's a hundred percent different and you've and you've never heard of it airlines celebrities music food the whole fucking thing but it's oddly familiar like oh that's justin bieber that's their american airlines it's their American Airlines. It's fucking, dude, I landed in Hong Kong. There was this airline had a fucking dragon on the tail of the airplane.

I was like, I want to fly that. Is that Bruce Lee Airlines? That's the shit. Dude, these sickest fucking dumplings. At the airport. god at the airport from singapore to hong kong this motherfucker this dumpling eating son of a bitch just kept going up dude and they were like the size of a fucking hockey puck and i was sitting there going to near going this fucking assholes eating all the dumplings dude they were like they were the lightest most label i can't

even tell you paul dude it would make an italian cry how great it was and then we went to hong kong and the promoter took us to the dumpling spot and it's been over and i literally when i came back here i couldn't eat dumplings for a while because i had to forget how good they were over there it was like when I had Guinness in Ireland, I remember when I drank Guinness in Ireland, I'm like, what's the big deal? Tastes the exact same. I couldn't tell. And then I went back and I had a Guinness in America and I was, it was horrible. I had to go down to like bush light and work my way back up until Guinness tasted good again in America. Oh dude. Speaking of that. So my manager,

we go out to dinner for my managers, for my manager's birthday. And it was me, Rory, uh, Regan, Stacy, Lisa, and, and, and Wendy, all the wives. Right. And, uh, we're sitting there and we go to this place and do the, the, the appetizers are like these caviar things on potato, uh, shrimp, all this amazing stuff. So I'm going, oh my God, what are we going to get for dinner? So everybody goes, uh, you gotta get the, you gotta get the burger here. So I thought they're fucking with me. So I go, yeah, no, seriously, don't should I get the steak? And they go, no and they go no no you don't understand so the waitress comes over and the waitress goes oh so you know we have some first timers here and um everything she's like have you tried our burger and i'm like no and she goes all right look she goes i'm not telling you what to

get everything is incredible but like our burger is like some fucking wild and we have a special which is a spicy burger which normally i don't like the specials but if you were going to get a special this is the burger because this has jalapenos specials yeah but she's excited it's not the same shit every day no but what she was saying was if you're gonna get a burger here don't fuck with the special but this burger is spicy so it's good so me and my manager go rory goes i'll get the regular you get the spicy we cut them in half so the waitress hears i say that she goes i'll set it up for you don't worry right so stays dude everybody gets the burger they come with this

fries and shit we're in this fucking like five-star gourmet restaurant dude i swear to god i'm not eating another cheeseburger till i go there it's's over. It's fucking, I couldn't fuck up. Dude, Regan bit it. And everyone's looking at him cause he bit it first. They're like, how's it going? He's like nodding his head. He's like, dude, dude, I fuck, I bit this thing. And I just, you know, me, I just go, Oh, Oh dude, Stacy, you see, you taste it as fuck. Oh, dude, I don't know what they do. And I was like, is this Kobe beef?

They're like, no, it's not Kobe beef. And Rory goes, you got to get it medium rare. And dude, it was it was something with the bread just going in it. But who would have thought of the best burgers I ever had? Five star restaurant. Yeah. This comedian's wife wife she marinated the meat i swear to god in the broth of chicken noodle soup or something was that was part of it dude that sounds crazy wow it was the juiciest most flavorful burger i couldn't believe it when i i still dude i had that i've only had it once

and i had it in the late 90s and I still think about it. It's Bespoke Post, everybody. This winter, upgrade your daily routine with Bespoke Post and their new seasonal lineup of must-have box of awesome collections. Bespoke Post partners with small businesses and emerging brands to bring you the most unique goods every month. No matter what you're into, BoxOfAwesome has you covered. From winter cocktails to cozy threads and camping gear essentials, BoxOfAwesome has collections for every part of your life. To get started, take a quiz at boxofawesome.com. Your answers will help them pick the right box of awesome for you.

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I'm just waking up. Get 20% off your first monthly box. When you sign up the box of awesome.com and enter the code better at checkout. That's box of awesome.com code better for 20% off your first box, boxofawesome.com code better. All right. It's Helix. Helix, you know, not being able to sleep because of today's politics, pandemics, your love life, your balls are full or any other drama you talk about in your show everybody's unique and helix knows that so they have several different mattress models to choose from they have soft medium and firm mattresses mattress is great for cooling you down if you sleep hot gross and even a helix plus mattress for plus size sleep sleepers. The big boys, Paul.

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quids and they'll match you to a customized mattress that will give you the best sleep of your life they have a 10-year warranty paul and you get to try out for 100 nights for free gross they'll even pick it up for you if you don't love it oh my god paul the damage you can do to a mattress in 100 nights but you know what you're not giving it back because you're gonna love it oh my god paul the damage you can do to a mattress in a hundred nights but you know what you're not giving it back because you're gonna love it helix sleep is offering you up to 200 bucks off all mattresses orders and two free pillows and our listener for our listeners at helixsleep.com slash burr that's helixsleep.com slash better for 200 off and two free pillows. Paul, are we going to talk NFL football here? Yes. Yes, we are.

That was a big inhale. And it was, I mean, Jesus Christ. Well, see, here's the thing. We won't give our picks until next week, but I had a vision yesterday. I know who's going to win the Superbowl. I'm not going to say it yet, but here's the thing, dude. I'm worried because Joe Burrow's X factor, man. He takes stats away.

Does that make sense? He takes logic away. Well, I mean, let's also give it up to that Cincinnati Bengal defense with those burnovers and just shutting them down after halftime. Paul, I got to ask you a question. Is it time to hit the panic button in Kansas City? They went to a Super Bowl one last year. Then they went to the Super Bowl lost.

This year they went to the AFC championship game and lost. Paul, are they starting to slide back down the hill? I haven't liked them all year. And I said it. And, oh, boy, they almost proved me wrong. But dude, I just think that that team's defense is just really not good. And like you said, you, you told me the first time me and you started hanging out and, and,

and I knew it, but I didn't know it like that in the playoffs, defense wins championships, dude. I wonder what Cincinnati did. If they adjusted something in Kansas city, just failed to, I mean, I was playing with my kids. Plus, I can't watch a game on that level. I need Tony Romo to break it down. Tony Romo starting to get some shit.

That guy, you know what it is about him? He's so fucking smart. It annoys fucking morons. They don't like it. I like I love Tony Romo, man. I think he's one of the best. Dude, he's like predicts the play. Dude, you learn something every quarter listening to that guy.

People don't like a know-it-all. I don't. I don't mind it. I don't mind it. They don't like a smirk. He's got a smirk. He's got that smirk. Hey, thank Jessica Simpson.

There's a lot of reasons to not like the guy if you're not happy with your own life or you can rise above the shit that you've created the bed that you that you made that you're lying in and you could try to fix that bed or you could get mad at Tony Romo I'm convinced Tony Romo doing other than just showing how much he loves the game and and teaching football fans I mean it's the most I've learned about the game since John Madden I would drink a beer with Tony Romo and he would be a blast. You could tell. He'd be the best. He'd be the best. I mean, I would just ask one question

about football and I would just let the guy go. It's like one of those big game fish. You let him run out of fucking line before you try to reel him back in. Before you finally say, Tony, you gotta try the burger. I think... i don't eat bread guy's a scratch golfer guy could have went pro like almost pro didn't he miss the cut by a stroke he's got that smirk of a fighter jet fighter pilot you know yes that's it

that's it it's not it's not his fault he had plastic man for a owner and nine different qb coaches coaches in his first eight seasons that wasn not his fault. He had plastic man for a fucking owner and nine different QB coaches in his first eight seasons. That wasn't his fault. Jerry Jones is the problem. Jerry Jones. If I was fucking a Cowboys fan, I would sneak into that stadium and I would dismantle that fast elevator

from his suite down to the fucking field. I would sabotage it. But let me ask you a question about that. If you go 13-3 and then you fucking blow it in the playoffs, how is that Jerry Jones' fault? How is it his fault? I'll tell you why. Because I never, I thought, I think that the guy basically had the guy, Jimmy Johnson. All right. And he didn't like that. Those big fucking guys got

all the credit. And he, ever since then, I feel like he's sort of gone with easy going guys that would cave if, if, you know, push came to shove. Okay, that's a good reason. I just think whenever I look over at a Dallas Cowboys coach, he looks like he's losing it off track betting. Wade Phillips, that redheaded dude, they just fucking didn't look like those clap it up guys after you fucking blow it again dude wade phillips i hate to say it'd be disrespectful i love wade phillips but wade phillips looks like a fucking basset hound i am not as a qb looking over at wade phillips going like oh yeah man he has the answer

you don't run through a wall for wade phillips QB looking over at Wade Phillips going like, oh yeah, man, he has the answer. You don't run through a wall for Wade Phillips. You would because he's his sweetheart, but not because you're afraid of him. We're going to go in there and we're going to flip there. Really, Wade? Are we?

I mean, maybe we will. I don't think you're going to wait. Look at that red-headed dude. You know what I mean? You could see. I don't think you're going to wait. Look at that red-headed dude. You know what I mean? You could see that guy. That guy, he was on a fucking leash. I just think they're all on a leash.

Yeah. He's always going down, talking to him with his dumb sport coat on, and his face all yanked back. Yeah, you're right. It looks like he's pulling four G's when he's just standing there jimmy johnson you know you do that trying to keep the blood in their fucking torso jimmy johnson would tell him to go fuck himself and he didn't like that you're right that's a good point for sure jimmy johnson did tell him to go fuck himself. Jimmy Johnson made the most shrewd, the shrewdest fucking trade of the last fucking, I don't know, 50 years. Was that Herschel? He traded Herschel Walker for like eight bombs to Minnesota. All right. And for some reason, Minnesota

signed it. There was a stipulation that if he cut any of those players, he got a draft pick from the fucking Vikings and they signed it. And the second they signed it, Jimmy's like, you know, I'm going to cut all those players. And they're like, you wouldn't do that. Would you? He's like, yeah, you fucking idiots. So we cut all of them, got all of their picks plus the Cowboys picks and the Cowboys were like fucking one in 15 or something. And then not only then, then he just fucking like, like, like Chuck Knoll just kept fucking just bam, bam, bam. One hall of famer after another. Yeah. Troy Emmett, Michael, Charlie Waters. Sorry, I ran out. I don't know who else.

The fucking Leon Lett, for as much shit as that guy gets, that guy was great. No, he wasn't. Was it the big cat? Fucking what's his face? The boxer's son there. Oh, Norton. Norton. Yeah, Ken Norton Jr.

Yeah. Who's the guy there? Alex Haley. Charles Haley. I'm kidding. Alex? Alex Haley. Charles Haley. Charles Haley. I'm kidding. Alex Haley's roots. Charles Haley.

I mean, the guy. Oh, but fucking Deion Sanders. He ended up. Then what's his. I give that to Jimmy Johnson. I mean, Jerry Jones. Bill's like Michael J. I mean, Michael Irvin.

Yeah. I knew it was Haley. I knew it wasn't Alex Haley. I was going for the joke there, Paul. Jack Del Rio was on that team. Huh? Jack Del Rio, coach. Oh, was he?

Jack Del Rio, great name. There's a guy you can drink with. Jack Del Rio is a fucking great name. Jack Del Rio just opened a bar down the street, man. We got to go. Oh, I'm fucking there. If I don't even know the guy, Del Rio. Here's the thing.

You know he's got a heavy arm, Paul. About the Super Bowl, Bill. This is the weirdest thing because if it's not, and I said this before, and I don't know what I'm going to fully do yet. By the way, I took the Cincinnati Bengals on the money line and made a lot of fucking money, but if you got the QB, they got the field goal kicker and they got the fucking defense. Here's the deal. Matthew Stafford needs to have the game of his fucking life. I don't know. I just, I don't know. I don't know. I felt like the 49ers were frustrating them

pretty good. You're missing something though. Here's the deal. I felt like the 49ers were frustrating them pretty good. You're missing something, though. Here's the deal. If Joe Burrow is not in this game, which he is. The the. Can you hear me? Oh, that I can hear you. What am I not agreeing with you enough during this point? No, no. Yeah. OK, Joe Burrow's not the game. Your air went off. Sound like you were fucking skydiving. Sorry. It's the thing up there. Sorry. If the defensive line of the Rams was going again, I mean, dude, the offensive line of Joe for Joe Burrow stinks and the defensive line for the

Rams is their strength. That's a problem in the Superbowl, but Joe, do they stink or did they just have one really bad game? They stunk both games. He got sacked nine times against the Titans and he was running for his life against the chiefs, but he manages to win for his life's a different thing. And what I like about Joe Burrow is he stopped doing that tucking friend targeting, scrambling back towards your own fucking goal line. He did that one game. I'm'm telling you he listens to this podcast paul he's a better player because of us i want to joe if you're listening we want to smoke a real cuban with you okay and we need you to use your celebrity to hook it up oh this? Because we keep getting the fake ones. Dude, he was wearing a chain.

He was wearing a fucking chain over the black turtleneck with a jacket over it, and somebody sent it to me. I was like, if I can't like this kid anymore. It's over. It's over. Oh, my God. He's got the fucking kids, got the hair gelled. He's like Italian, this kid.

I fucking love this kid. I don't want to bet against them. I don't want to get a Benson, but I'm afraid of his offensive line. Joe, give me something. Joe. Remember a Lima Zilli? No, Joe, Joe Lima Zilli is in the, in the world series. He's a first bench coach for the Yankees. I'd never seen more Italian shit in my life. The ball, something happened at first base, and he looks over at Torrey, and he's going, no, Joe! Joe!

It was the greatest thing. It was the greatest thing. Was he asking him to come up because it was a bad call? It was a bad call, and Torrey, I guess, was accepting it. And Lee Mazzilli's going, no, Joe! By the way, Lee Mazzilli related to the Mazzillis at Gotham.

I was going to say, dude, what happened to all the ethnic last names? There's no accents anymore. Everybody's fucking shaving off the end of their names. When's the last time you heard a good Polish name? Dude, I look at my football cards from fucking Ron Jaworski. There's all kinds of Polish guys in the fucking league. There was fucking Irish guys. There's Italian names.

It was all of this shit. Maybe because there's no white guys left. I don't know. I miss all that shit. Steve Balboni? That was a great one, dude. Steve Balboni.ve balboni that was a great one dude steve balboni balboni black guys had better names back then too leon gray haywood was a great fucking name haywood haywood although haywood sullivan

a fucking irish guy i bet he got shit for that in south boston um good one uh who else there was leon luther haywood there was there was some fuck there were luke there was a lot of man names back then now now everything's like hyphenated it's like when a powerful woman gets fucking married uh she'll take on your name but she's keeping her other one. And her other one's headlining. It's a, it's first on the marquee. Yeah. Jackie Kennedy Verzi. I'm doing that bit bill. I'm doing the bit where I go,

you can't fight with a woman. Cause they're already winning. I go, they could do things you can't do. They could cry. We can't cry. They could hit you. I said, it's like they win the coin toss in an NFL game going into overtime. I go, there's a little hope, but chances are you're going to lose. Dude, my wife. This is what you got to do, Paul. And I'm having a hard time doing it. How you beat a woman in an argument is you remain calm. Oh, I thought you were going to say how you beat a woman. It's you tell her if she tells the cops.

You want to do is hit her from here to here. You keep it underneath the blouse. Wears a robe for a week and then it's over. I'm going to my mom's. I go, we can't do that. I can't just start tearing up. I'm taking a kiss to my dad. Oh dude. I said something to my wife the other day. my she just walked out of the room and i was like that's going in the act you know you just say something ignorant just be ignorant i did that and she just did not find the humor in it she just walked out angry i will tell you what it is but i don't want

to burn it because it ended up in my act oh okay i told her what feminists are somehow brought up feminists i was like you know what i said a feminist is a blah blah blah blah blah and then i just cracked up laughing and she was just staring at me and i'm going like come on that's funny right no it isn't and she walked out of the kitchen and i went i, that's funny, right? No, it isn't. And she walked out of the kitchen and I went, I go, that's going in the act. That's great. That's great. No, more guys need to do that. You just need to be saying over-the-top ignorant shit to them.

It's the only way they respect you if you're if you're if you're confident enough to say dumb shit that's gonna make them mad they actually respect you because they enjoy the challenge yeah you're just like oh oh no i think you know whatever you go after a while they just you know you just look like a giant flaccid cock to him. Dude, that's... I got a good one. When your girlfriend or your wife walks out of the room, I just always go, is that what an adult does? Fucking pisses them off. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. And what I love, too, is I'm inferring that I'm acting like an adult. But what it is, it's an argument. So she did the last childish thing. So now I get to be the mature one. It's all it is. I go like this. Why are you yelling? That's my big one. Why are you yelling? Oh, that's a great one. Cause when you say to a yeller, but you gotta be calm. If you're calm when you do it, like why are you yelling? Why are you yelling is a pick six. And she was just up 14 points and you just cut the lead

in half. I'm not saying you're winning, but the crowd went proud. The crowd goes quiet on that one. You took the crowd out of the game on that one. Paul. Dude, we were all Bill. You're going to love this because you're a, you're a, you're a prepared guy. I would say you're way more prepared and organized than I am. You have that thing that wife. No, you do though though like stacy's like we need to have an adult we need to do all this adult shit with our with our money and our wills and our proxy this and that so we start asking she

has questions she goes all right now this is a serious question we got all the documents in front of us and she goes if god forbid something happens to you where you're in a coma or you're like in a vegetable state, you, I need to, and I go like this, this without missing a beat. I go, look, I go, here's the deal. Okay. If I'm in a vegetable state and the doctor walks in and says, you know, we don't think he's coming back. I go, you wait a year. She bursted out laughing. I go, you fucking wait a year. We're going to try to figure this out. I didn't say that you see a flat line between my fucking ears pull the plug

put me in the oven and then throw the ashes out on fucking route one in Framingham I don't give a shit dude I think being afraid of dying is one of the stupidest things in the world. And it's all religious based that there's this guy that gives a fuck. Wait, are you going to get cremated or no? Yeah.

That's a tough one, dude. Well, are you going to tell me that you're going to fucking own a piece of property for the rest of your life? Dead. Just laying in a box. It's one of the stupidest fucking things ever. Once everybody that knew you and cared about you is gone, they should dig you up and throw you in the fucking ocean

and recycle the box. Graveyards are the dumbest fucking thing ever. And these fucking idiots, even when they're dead, you can always tell a cocksucker in a graveyard by the size of his fucking headstone look at that self-involved bad father was all about you wasn't it ebenezer yeah they got like little rooms you know those ones that are like a little fucking tombs paul let me tell you something right now. I'm going to tell you this.

If you're still somehow alive after you're dead, kill me again by burning me up. I'll go for fucking three minutes rather than just laying in a box going, hello? This isn't it, man. Dude, fuck all of that. Lay in there.

Oh, fuck, dude. It's like you're paralyzed and you're dead fuck that vaporize me yeah and then send me out to space if you're so fucking if that's where they should send the ashes to space what if you're still alive well no you're you're ashes and there's no oxygen is that good enough enough? Now do you feel people's, people's fear of death is so stupid. Like I really feel that it's just, it's this fucking, it's a release Paul. It's the ultimate fucking nap. And even if you don't fucking go anywhere, who gives a shit? You're dead. You ever think maybe it is you're so self-involved you can't wrap your head around not existing yeah how will the world go on

without me and my shit jokes i think they'll be just fine you're insignificant yes that's true you should be going into the ground to fertilize it they shouldn't even stick you in a box you should make the soil rich and like like fucking every every other dead thing down there all those dead dinosaurs making sure you can drive your lexus down the fucking street why don't you pay it back paul why don't you become a fossil fuel you and you'll bury in some fucking air jordans and a new blue yankee i want a white leather fucking tomb dude you're fucking what do they call those things not a tomb what do they call one of those things what one of those big fucking stupid things catacomb it's gonna have a fucking waiting room a what what is it andrew

the catacomb where you're talking about that you walk into or yeah you walk into there's like a waiting area i'm pointing something checking you in for people to talk to your feet talking to your dead feet hey pa i just want to know you that suzy just learned how to ride a bicycle talking to a wall oh shit dude talking to a fucking wall you said something once that was really fucking weird man man. You go, it was right. You go, dude, you die. And then four days later, you're in a fucking little box. Dude, you fucking die on Wednesday and Friday, the next Monday.

Oh yeah. Like dude, like literally if something happened to us this time next week, you're under the ground. I mean, it's just fucking unbelievable. They're like, here's bill.

Yeah. Bill last week was going, you know, I don't, I don't like the offensive line. I'm all about this week. Here's bill. Here he is.

This is all that's left of him. All that screaming. Yeah, and it's orange too. This is what my fucking thing you put my ashes in is going to look like. A giant orange. Oh, shit. How funny would it be, Paul? Oh, fuck. If you were there at my cremation, right?

You're all fat. And then they pull it out and they pull out a little fucking orange. Oh, shit. Oh, fuck, dude. Yeah, it's the dumbest shit. It's the stupidest fucking shit ever. Being afraid of dying. The ocean's a good deal going into like going in the bottom of the ocean you know what i think about the i think the ocean you know i think water is i think it's the toxic waste of the last people that fucked up the planet and we just came

out of it with these mutants but we think we're beautiful because we all look the same but that's like toxic fucking waste and now whatever that swirl of trash is out there I mean I know scientifically this makes no sense but something's going to come out of that after we fuck this up

well we're dead and gone and we will be Paul and no hippie is coming back either to make sure you're all right he's dead too all right jesus bill he's dead i know i mean dude what the fuck is he waiting for how much more do we have to fuck it up before he's like all right he's like a fucking nh a fucking ufc ref that doesn't know when to stop the fight. He tapped out and tapped out. Ground and found.

Ground and found. Oh, shit, man. I'll go with that there's something that created all of us, but I think he's like a lunatic. And he just fucking makes it and then he goes another one they're saying there's like a zillion fucking other planets out there that are like earth with the atmosphere so you got to think the same thing happened out there he's just flicking through the channels he's got a thousand channels a thousand earths and he's just sitting

there look at these fucking idiots uh let me ask you this you think any any earthlings got it right on the other earths i do not imagine there's just some fucking beta yoga planet and you show up and they got it right and everybody's getting along and the environment everything's fucking perfect do you think he could exist hey man who's playing this weekend? Well, you know, we're really not into competition that way. All right. What do you guys do?

Well, you know, we kind of have like, well, yeah. Can I gamble on something? Can I get some action? No. No. I mean, that's. Why would you want to do that? A planet of no vices at all.

Yeah. Yeah. Just no womanizing. No, nothing. A woman walks by. She's all curvy. You got to do you fucking see. Look at that guy.

What? Yeah, nothing. Oh, my God. There isn't one, Paul. Because you know why? God would be watching that channel bored shitless. He wants us to attack each other he wants us to be fucking he's just enjoying

it like you ever see red ants and black ants fucking going at it you stop and you're watching it you watch animals fight each other where is animals and he's just sitting just sitting there watching us where the discovery channel dude he does it on purpose he

makes serial killers. He makes pedophiles. He makes fucking narcissists. He makes sociopaths. He throws them in there to spice up the fucking soup. He does that. And that whole bullshit where he blames the devil. Go fuck yourself.

The devil used to work for you and you need to handle that shit. Stop using that as a fucking scapegoat. It's like listening to liberals and conservatives blaming colors of ties. The devil used to work for you and you need to handle that shit. Stop using that as a fucking scapegoat. It's like listening to liberals and conservatives blaming colors of ties. Oh, Bill, you've thought about this. You've thought about this long and hard. I have. I can tell.

I don't know. I wouldn't say long and hard. All my thinking is hard, Paul. I love how you're peeling an orange as you're saying this heavy the devil worked for him just handle that exactly you know what I want them to do I want them to take flat earthers to space that's what I want I want flat earthers to go to space and see i don't i love flat earthers i love flat earthers please talk more talk more it's fascinating it's fucking amazing i can't handle it dude when they're when they're adamant when they're adamant i can't handle it

like they say like they know for a fact and then they look at you like you're dumb. I can't handle it, dude. Oh, Paul, you got to play into it. You got to just play into it. Well, I, well, it better not be flat because I'm going sailing this weekend. Just watch. No, you can't. You can't. No, they think it's like a big, like cereal bowl and there's an ice wall around it,

and that's what holds off the, I don't know what. No, dude, I did a conspiracy. Because the ice would be facing, like, so, okay, it's really fascinating how they look at it. So it's a big bowl, and then, like, where does the sun, it goes underneath the planet yeah but that's one theory like they have all i was on a i was on a conspiracy podcast where a guy goes no no dude dude he said it like this too he goes no no dude you get to the end and there's that's how most scientists talk yeah yeah there's a people with guns with guns and nobody wants to tell you why,

why are there people with guns in a fan? And I'm just like, dude, I was like, the earth is not flat. He doesn't know. He it's fucking nuts, dude.

He it's nuts. People left his show. That was a regular with him. His co-hosts left. Cause that's how fucking nuts it got. Cause I was on. He just needs to get a pilot's license and then go for his instrument rating exactly exactly he sees how how a vor the um the radio signal works is if you're too far away

the curvature of the earth you end up missing the signal it shoots out like this and then just kind of goes off then you've got to be coming around the planet and boom then it lights up paul and you fucking dial that bitch in and you get vectored um all right that's the podcast dude i gotta go do a bunch of fucking zoom calls because my life never ends this is me and dead me saying goodbye. This is my urn. It looks like you can unscrew this right here. I'm a prop comic right now, Paul. All right, guys.

Well, this has been episode. My stomach hurts, dude. This has been episode 52. Guys, please like and subscribe. Paul, I lost a ball to testicular cancer. They let me keep it like subscribe, download anywhere. You get your podcast, I two Spotify, all that stuff. And which way are you leaning? Paul, Paul's going Cincinnati. No, no, I don't know. I will make that pick next week. It's early.

We got a week off. Hey, you didn't ever believe in Kansas city and I never believed in the 49ers. Yep, that's right. We both have to admit they went way further than we thought. Yeah. Well, there we go. This weekend, guys, Fairfield Comedy Club, Friday, Saturday. Then I will be in Pittsburgh on the 24th.

I'll be at the Funny Bone in Syracuse, February 18th and 19th. Oh, it's all about you. Go to paulverzi.com'll be at the Funny Bone in Syracuse February 18th and 19th. It's all about you. Go to paulverzi.com. Check out the Verzi Effect, my YouTube. Check out the Monday Morning Podcast. Go see Bill. Go see us all. Have a good time. Andrew Demlitz. Don't patronize me. All right, that's it. I'll talk to you

fuckers next week. Thank you.