Anything Better? - In The Eyes Of A Ranger

Episode Date: October 16, 2021

Is there Anything Better than Bill & Paul talking about drugs and pie? Limited Edition Halloween Edition Merch >> https://silkshopstores.com/anythingbettermerch/shop/home  

What's up everybody and welcome back to the anything better podcast with your host Paul Berzy, Bill Burr, producer extraordinaire, the Greek freak, Andrew Themlis out there in Beverly Hills. Got a quick announcement before we start this episode. Guess what everybody? Oh yeah. You guys asked for it. It's getting chilly. The fall's coming. got a quick announcement before we start this episode guess what everybody oh yeah you guys asked for it it's getting chilly the fall's coming you need those new shirts you need those sweatshirts all that shit well that's right by the time this podcast comes out the official

anything better merchandise shop will be available you can get your tie-dyed shirts, hoodies, Halloween shit. It's going to be fun. So go to the link on the bottom of this shit and get it. Okay. That's it. You've been waiting for it. People have been asking me all the time. When can I get a big truck electric? When can I get the Halloween shit? It's all coming now that that's out of the way. You guys are listening to another episode weird number 37 and i only had one off the top of my head somebody gave me another one rodney harrison of the new england patriots was 37 i believe um and somebody said sean alexander the running back of the uh seahawks those are the only 37s that i know bill what do what do you got? I got Lester Hayes.

Oh, that's a good one. Lester Hayes, Mr. Stick'em. Two-time Super Bowl champion, Super Bowl XV, and XVIII. Mr. Stick'em is dope. Mr. Stick'em. And then also someone I heard of, but I didn't know much of, Doak Walker. His number's retired by the Lions. He's in the NCAA hall of fame,

the NFL hall of fame. He won two NFL titles that they don't count for some fucking reason. And 1952 and 1953. And Paul, you know, this, I need to tell you this. They beat the Cleveland Browns, beat auto Graham, the original Tom Brady and Paul Brown, the original bill Belichick. His name is dope. D O K E D O K. No D O A K. Beat Otto Graham, the original Tom Brady, and Paul Brown, the original Bill Belichick. His name is Doak? D-O-K-E?

D-O-K. No, D-O-A-K. Doak Walker. Wow. White guy looks like Paul Horning. All right. The best NHL guy to wear it. I'm a Bruins fan. I'm going to go with Patrice Bergeron.

Major League Baseball, Paul. The best 37 I could find out there on the internet was Dave Steeb, the ace for the Toronto Blue Jays. Wow. Back-to-back Blue Jays. I remember that. And NBA, you got Metta World Peace on the Lakers. And to go deep, Paul, a deep cut, you got Nick Van Exel

on the Golden State Warriors after he said, we're going back to Jamaica. Remember that when the Lakers got bounced out? He was singing, come back to Jamaica when he was walking off the court. They were like, oh, no, you ain't doing that. Take that shit up to Oakland. He said, I will. We're number 37 to get mentioned on the Anything Better podcast.

There you go. I'm telling you, 37, 38, even 39. until we get to the forties. It's weird, weird numbers, man. Weird numbers. Uh, somebody asked me what my number would be. And, uh, so if we've never mentioned it before, I'd be 11, uh, I was born 11, 11. Uh, I love the way the two ones look next to it. I always loved how it looked on Phil Simms. So I would be number 11.

If I was a defensive back, I'd pick one of my kids. Lucas is 29. So maybe something like that. 29 is a good number. Raymond Claiborne, I think, wore that. My first number was 27 when I played for the Raiders was my first team.

I was 25 for like two weeks before my dad was just like, Christ, you're knocking your brains out of your fucking head. That was the end of it. Um, that was the end of it. And I still fucked up in school. Uh,

you need to, you need to focus on your studies. You didn't do that either no he thought if he took away everything i had to look forward to i would somehow study do better in school that's how that generation thought paul that generation yelled at babies okay so you mean i don't know what to tell you hey Hey, knock it off! To a baby. Baby just sitting there. What the fuck? And that baby was me.

Aw. Screaming at a baby. The visual of a drunk grown man screaming at an infant's face. When I was a kid, I used to see dads yelling at babies like they cut them off in traffic. I mean, it was just fucking, it was insane. But everyone was doing it. and you had a station wagon, you had like a pipe and a little fucking hat. It just fucking, it looked normal.

You ever see a family fighting at a restaurant, and they're just quiet? It's fucking horrible. Yeah, dude, I saw, I saw, it was a lot of guys coming home in company cars and the whole energy in the front yard of kids playing changed when that fucking lincoln town car pulled up or the fucking you know maybe you only got the delta 88 and the guy across the street got the lincoln town car and his wife's titties were a little bigger

i mean tensions happened the squirt gun fight ended quickly the the when your dad's wrong apples clean them up when your dad comes home i remember being with friends and they'd be like dude my dad's coming it was it was like you just go back to darth vader when the ship came everybody just was like dude when dad pulled up it was like oh dude it was fucked up man no not like that now it's not like that you you knew what his car sounded like coming down the fucking street you ran to the back of the house that's why so many guys in your generation no cars i used to run away i would literally my dad pulled the driveway i ran away literally ran into the woods oh geez ran for cover he's back he's back now our kids love it

when it's us I know my guy now they're afraid of the mom the mom's the one you don't want to fuck with mom comes home it just becomes like oh shit I hope she's in a good mood I saw you with your kids

and I know you see me with my kids we're like when Vito corleone was in the garden playing with fruit with with the before he collapsed remember he's just like my kids like jump on me like i'm not a person yeah like if i'm laying i was laying there the other day i was i had my eyes closed i was laying on the ground and my daughter thinks it's the funniest thing ever to jump up in the air and do hulk hogan's finishing move right on the center of my chest. Now, if I'm ready, I can sustain it. But I was completely relaxed.

I thought she broke my sternum. And I just went like, oh. Does she nail it? Does she nail the kick? The drop? No, no, dude. She just jumps up in the air and lands ass first on me. But, you know, she weighs like, you know, 40, 50 pounds.

Would you want to be at the gym and have somebody drop a 40, 50 pound medicine ball on your sternum? You just see her run off the bed? It's off the playpen. No, it's funny. They're afraid of mom. Lucas came in the other day and my son is crushing math. My son is good at hard things, but like a quick little English thing. He's just like, ah, the English thing was a little, and I'm like, dude, you got a hundred on the hardest math test that

everybody in your class failed, but English is an issue, whatever. And he just goes, as we're walking in the house, he goes, dude, you're going to tell mom, or should I tell mom you think she's going you think she's gonna freak out and i'm like no you're crushing school just go in and tell her that you had a hard time at one thing in english or whatever and he was just like he walked in the door and if it was me i my like you know only today i had to be a little stern with my son because there's new things he grabs his sister's hair with that hulk vice grip that he has i just had to be like no you can't do that you can't do that nice nice hands all right and he was just staring at me and i had to stare him down because his shit is he just looks back at you like he's just observing i told you that stuff like his thing when i go to give him a bath the second the water

gets in the tub he just starts grabbing shit and throws it in the tub and he knows he's not supposed to like he grabs the bath mat the second there's's a, you're not looking, he just grabs it. He just throws it in. And then he just looks at you. And then I just start laughing. I can't stop laughing. And then it's worse. Then he's like, Oh, this is a good thing. And he just starts throwing everything in the tub by the, you know, I have to basically everything has to be in the sink. So he can't it whatever's not in the sink he throws in the tub oh my god dude that's fucking so funny though yeah just then he gets in it and then he brings his hands back like this and he just goes wham

and gets the water all over me i go you know the guys go what are you doing or whatever and then he cracks up and then i laugh and then he does it more. This is no respect. There's no respect. I'm over, I'm overcompensating Paul. I'm overcompensating for having to run into the woods when my dad came. Dude, I literally ran into the woods.

Wow. It was like a lion was coming and we were all gazelles and we just got off the fucking Serengeti. You stop, you look. Yeah. Oh, man. You know, it's weird. I don't remember my dad coming home.

I was five when they got divorced. So my memory is my dad just pulling up in a fucking dope whip and we would just get in the car and go out with him. And we would just get in the car and go out with them. Like he, my dad had a 1982 brand new black Jaguar XJ six 1982. And you know, it had the, it had the Jaguar on the front hood, the hood ornament. Yeah. And, uh, and it was white leather inside. He's a Verzi of course, he had white leather inside and, uh, he would just pull up, you know, and it wasn't a hundred percent. Sicilian guy is going to go with the white leather interior.

It's you're going to look like you all have skin against it. You're going to look like a God. I don't know how somebody doesn't love it. I, if I got in that car, I would look like that reverse Beatles album, you know, where it was all black, just their heads. It would be all white. Just my orange beard and my blue eyes. Where'd he go? What's your go-to interior?

Are you like the red or the tan? What's your go-to? Well, what year are we talking, Paul? I'm just saying, like. Because I'll tell you this. I'm a Ford guy. A Wimbledon white Ford with that Ford blue interior. Okay.

Forget about it. I love the red interior too, but I mean, that's just sort of like a hat on a hat with me. I'm orange. I don't think the red's going to look good. But I liked Ford. It literally had like one that was called something like window block box green, something about plants. There was a buddy of mine his dad had like a 76 ford f-250 high boy like an original with the transfer case you know

separated from the uh transmission so um he had that thing snow plowed that thing forever it was like 12 years old and i think about it now i want to say it was a 76 it might have been a 70 but i was just thinking like i would buy that truck off him if he still had if it wasn't rusted out um you know my ultimate car collection paul is just basically a bunch of ford trucks. I would have the 68 Ford F100 that I have. I'd have like a 76, 77 Highboy F250. And then I would have a, like a 85 or a 86 F150 four by four short bed XLT Lariat. And then I would also have an 80 to 86 somewhere in there. Four wheel drive Ford Bronco two tone. I did a movie recently.

And when the main character had a blue and white one, and I was just like, wow, that is awesome. Yeah. My grandfather, rest his soul. He had a Brown car and I never understood why until now my dream what i

want now is i want a dark chocolate brown car with all white leather inside and wood to match the oh that's over chocolate brown you can't have shit brown you gotta have chocolate brown dark like almost like at night you don't know if it's black but in the day it's dark chocolate brown and it's got white inside it's it's one of the most beautiful it's it's incredible um but dude i was thinking about you laughing at me so we got this microsoft flight simulator for for boeing jets right and lucas is and it's all like the airport's exactly the approach and then they have famous airports that are hard to land in france and all this shit so i got the headset on i got the fucking thing and i'm sitting there hearts jacked fucking and you hear the woman's voice landing

gear landing gear right shit like dude i had a fucking anxiety attack during this thing i had an anxiety attack i was thinking i was good dude here's what i learned here's what i learned about me you never want me flying an airplane ever fucking bill i had a i had a uh uh 747 that i needed to land and they took me on final approach to jfk the real way i had all the instruments i had everything there i'm trying to read the instruments did you slow down you still know 500 miles an hour no i learned about flare for people that don't know what flare is flare is when the plane is coming in for final approach to touch you got to lift the nose a little bit that's what they call flare all right and obviously lower the lower the fucking engines down so i had to i so i'm like

down don't you have to bring i don't know anything about planes don't you bring your flaps down or something like that too yeah the the you have the the what's it called what are they called the rudders that go each way but once you level i'm talking about like the last thousand feet you just you basically the last thousand feet you just coming in they obviously want you to line up with the fucking runway and have it level and then when you're about to approach when you're about to touch you got to fucking pull back on the engines and do what they say flare so the nose doesn't go down and then it just basically goes dude i crashed this fucking thing it just the screen went black and i was just dude i was

having anxiety doing it now did you see you see, they probably have runway lights there. Yeah. If you're a pappy and it's just like all white, you're too high. All red, you're dead. Something like red under white, you're all right. Something like that. Helicopters don't have to deal with that because you can do like a steep approach. We can stop and do all of that shit.

So I always forget how those things work. So then I did a a cessna and she goes okay what we're gonna do is i want you to taxi out turn and stop and wait to take off i fucking went past it onto the grass i couldn't even turn dude i couldn't even that's how like realistic it was that turning the sticks and touching everything and i was like look i just can't do this no but you gotta learn how to do it i think if you double tap you're stopping i had to learn all of that you know when i started doing instrument was i had to learn how to basically you know on that simulator fly like a uh just like a twin i was flying a twin whatever the hell you call them and uh i remember it was just as you were taken off you had to have

like left rudder so it would stay pointed straight or whatever. Once I got in the air, I was kind of fine. But it's fun, dude. Doing that shit is a lot of fun. Well, that's my fan. I have two fantasies. One is robbing a bank. I always wanted to rob a bank.

And two is I'm on an airplane and the flight attendant comes screaming out saying is there somebody that could fly a plane and it's all over and i fucking get in there in my fucking jordan threes and my hoodie and i fucking put the thing on and i take us home and everybody and i'm a fucking you know so at least in my mind what if you rob a bank you take hostages and then you demand a plane and they give you pilots and then they want the pilots to fly where they can arrest you, and then you tell them to get the fuck out because you know how to fly. You go under the radar, and you fly somewhere else, and you leave with the money, and they never catch you.

That would be fucking dope. Remember that guy that jumped out of a plane he robbed? There was a guy that like— Oh, yeah, that guy who died. Did he die? Well, they never found him, yeah they fucking died can't jump out of a fucking dc-10 and live i just with with money 37 000 yeah fucking 3200 and quarters fucking dragging it down to the ground dude i gotta i gotta i had a screenplay idea bank Bank robbers, you've never seen this before.

Bank robbers who kill everybody. So they just go in and they spray because they know the code. There's no, it's not, oh, we have this amount of time. They go and they kill everybody. But one day they're about to go in. One of the guys sees his wife going in with one of his kids. And the rules are everybody dies and he's got to try to stop it. And then that's where I ended up ending with the idea.

So it really needs to be flushed out. My thing is, why do I give a fuck about those guys if they just go and shoot people? Fuck them. Yeah, I didn't get that far. I got to figure out a subplot. Well, if you're going to do an anti-hero movie, I think you got a great start-off point. If you notice in those kinds of movies

when they have somebody just killing everybody, it's always unsightly people. Where they just show them for half a second. They don't want you to get into their backstory that these are people that people love. You know what I mean? Like, they always got to be like a dick. That's like in all those steven seagal movies like he couldn't just walk in and beat the shit out of somebody and be a bully somebody had to fuck with him you know like

hey nice ponytail there twinkle toes yeah and then he could turn and then he kicked the shit out of him every single time every single time there was always that guy who couldn't just drink his drink. He just had to go out of his fucking way to get the shit kicked out of him. And the whole purpose of the scene is to establish what we already know. That is Steven Seagal knows karate. Yeah. Right. What did you say?

Which by the way, speaking of karate, uh, the heroes and icon channel, how great a name is that is going to start rerunning all the Walker, Texas Rangers with Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris has one where he's facing off with somebody and the guy gets into some sort of stance. He goes, ah, another karate guy. Cause I think he was a Kung Fu guy. And he does a spinning heel kick. I la Joe Rogan with cowboy boots on.

So as bad as it would be to catch Joe Rogan's heel, just imagine it's Chuck Norris' heel and it's in a cowboy boot, which has a manly high heel on it. I never saw one episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. Have you? No, that's why I want to watch it because I feel like, um, all this snarky douches killed off that sort of manliness on television. You know, he sings the theme song. Huh? He, he, he thinks he sings the theme song. Sorry. That's awesome. Wait, who does Chuck? Yeah. Yeah.

It's like, yeah, it starts off in the eyes of a ranger and then he's kind of like he talks a little first and then he starts singing yeah the chorus that's a man who was in the business long enough and found out that if he sang the song every time they play the episode he's getting paid that guy never had to buy another gi for the rest of his life after that gig and then he had that that fucking thing that brought you up and down the the slide remember that and he would sit there with his red chest hair just fucking looking all shredded at like 80 or whatever the hell he was oh he did those how many times late night you almost buy one of those yeah he did those

commercials with christy brinkley and i always thought something was going on with them during the thing, which, you know, I was like, ah, something. I was like, you know, Chucky may be taking that down. She was divorced at the time. Remember Body by Jake? The guy from Bachelor Party, man. He crushed it in Bachelor Party, and then all of a sudden he was just Body by Jake. I bet he made way more money selling that shit than he did in the movie with the residuals.

Guaranteed he did. I always love when I see people that used to be acting or whatever, and then they branch off. Like, what's her face? Suzanne Somers. All of a sudden, she had the Thighmaster. I'm like, there you go. What about Joe Piscopo? Now she's making money.

Dude, Joe Piscopo got fucking jacked. He was fucking jacked, dude. Yeah, he did. Yeah, he got. He got. He was fore jacked, dude. Yeah, he did. Yeah, he got, he got. He was foreshadowing what was going to happen in baseball. He was, he was like 10, 12 years. He was before McGuire. Yeah.

How funny would that be if they asked Mark McGuire, how did you get into steroids? You know, I was a Joe Piscopo fan. You know, the guy, I mean, his first special. Yeah, I mean, it was funny. But the next special came out. He just fucking grabbed a microphone, his fucking veins. Dude, I think that that's such a gross thing when dudes have that vein,

that wiggly vein in their neck. And their neck just starts at their jaw. And it just comes out. Who wants to look like that? I out who wants to look like that i would never want to look like that i would love to know what the high of being on roids feels like i don't think it's roid rage i think you're just so excited you want to show off just pick up a refrigerator no dude those guys are angry man i knew dudes that like those dudes fucking freak out at nothing yeah but that was that was

the old shit dude that was the shit from when we were coming up when it was like fucking horse tranquilizers and a little bit of cocaine or something i don't know fucking saint bernard's dick all fucking mashed up and you just shot it into your butt cheek just came out frothing at the mouth just throwing kettlebells there was no kettlebells back then. No acne. I had friends, they'd get acne and you just, when they put a t-shirt on and you were just like, Oh dude, I do not want to get.

Oh yeah. And they had those giant lats. Like, like they look like doors to get into a castle. And then they had like the skinny fucking legs. Cause I don't think, I don't think anybody did a squat in the eighties. No, they had their big puffy pants and they would come in and they would wiggle into their fucking old cutlass. So their Monte Carlo or the Buick Regal with the T tops,

they would come in and they had the fucking, the wraparound shades, you know, and some peroxide blonde was always sitting there who wasn't really that hot she was just in shape and dyed her hair blonde remember those chicks oh my god just like if you just you know let your hair go brown you'd look like me that could have been me in the passenger seat my uh my dad had a buick regal i remember a buddy of mine in high school. I was always friends with older people my whole life. Older kids wanted to hang with me always. And I was,

whether it'd be a greater two up, I don't know why. And, uh, it's because you could grow a beard in the eighth grade, Paul, probably. And, uh, we're in this. Yeah, this was me in seventh. This was me the way I look now in math. I know you do three days on the road. Paul's torso has a five o'clock shadow. We decided to you are you are fucking Teen Wolf. Now, if I let it go, but I use all that shit to shave it down. If so, we decided to get in my friend's buick regal and go to new york city

we just cut school and we packed it five of us two in the front three in the back and doing the dumbest shit like i was gonna say that and how soon before the cops pulled you over no we would three five shitheads in a buick in the middle of a school day. Yeah. We put in Wu Tang thinking we're cool. We're flying down the West side highway. Listen, cash rules, everything around the money dollar, dollar bill. Yeah. I grew up on the crime side, the whole thing. Right. And we just went to a place to grab beers. Like we didn't even do it. Right. Like we went down to New York city and then bought either cans of beers or forties and like tried to like drink them quick. And then, but here's where it

got fucked up. That sounds fucking awesome. Yeah, it was, it was, I would do that now. And yeah. And here's the thing though. We picked up a hitchhiker and in return, he gave, where did he sit? He gave, he gave weed. Uh, he sat in gave weed uh he sat in the back he sat in the back with us we just drove him up a little bit off an egg so there's four in the back now on the way home in the front and now there's drugs in the car all right there's four of us and then we pick up a hitchhiker thanks a lot man here and gives us whether it was weed or hash whatever it was i think it was a bag of weed we go back to my buddy's fucking house to drink beers and i hit this thing and i stared i stared at the floor in the kitchen for what i didn't know was either a minute or two hours i didn't know and i looked

up and the pattern of the floor was on my friend's face. And I fucking freaked out, dude. I, I fucking freaked out. I start breathing heavy, dude. I laying on the couch. I think I'm having a heart attack and he's going, dude, you got it. You're going to be all right. Feeling about this one, man. My heart is just jacked up. They're trying to calm me down. I'm freaking out, dude. I'm crawling out of my skin. And then I realized, yeah, we took drugs off of a complete stranger in New York city. Uh, I don't know what the thing was laced with, but, um, I'm glad it happened because I don't do drugs. It made me afraid. You know, my friends would trip on acid every day. I had friends that would trip on acid every day. And I never did it one time. One time they were like, Hey dude, here's a white Pearl. We were at a friend's house on a Saturday,

called it a white Pearl. And, uh, I went like this and I just, I fuck, I got, I freaked out. I put on my tongue for a second. I freaked out, spit it out. Not big on drugs. You wasted it. I went, yeah, well, I did the right thing. I don't know, Paul, you know, there's a whole big argument now coming back around that whole say no to drugs was maybe a wrong thing i think you say yes to drugs no then you see how it makes you feel and you see how far you can dig the hole paul no and still crawl out and rebuild it because if you don't then what what do you what is your autobiography going to be it's going to be like what eight pages long no this guy stayed away from grugs and i uh enjoyed

coffee cake with a cappuccino yeah this guy crushed it in white leather cars and he got a magazine at uh the bookstore and then there i saw her with her corduroy pants no i'm not fornicate until Nah, man, I'm not. Fornicate until we were married. No, I'm not advocating drugs. And I don't like that shit that everybody's talking. Like when you do psychedelic shit, you like, like when you see things, it opens up a new world.

It's like, what does that mean? Like, what is it? I'll tell you, Paul, I took, I took mushrooms and I've been sober ever since. Cause I understood that it was in this. I understood this feeling that I've been carrying my whole life that I never even noticed was there. But were you in another world or no? I was in a whole new world.

I was tripping on mushrooms. Yeah, I can't fucking relate. That's the one thing I wish I could relate. I don't know, but it sounds fucking scary no it was like i was in this there was this feeling and there was it wasn't like hostile it just was and there was no outrunning it there was no walking away from it it just undeniably was wow and i couldn't ignore it and i had to face it and be like what is this and i i offered a couple of different answers and the thing was like that's not it that's not it and then i was like oh this is how i felt growing up that's it and i was like, what? This is like what I need to deal with.

I need to be sober and I need to figure out, you know, and dude, I'm telling you. After that shit within two days, I knew exactly who I was as a person and why I did stand up. I knew everything that I did in my life, why I did it, good or bad. Helping people, hurting people, fucking shit up the way I, the reason why I drank the way I drank, I knew every fucking bit of it. So there are certain ones, you know, that was my experience, Paul. I love how Andrew's in the back, just gone like in complete understanding. He's like, yeah, no, that's right. That's it.

Yeah. No, he like, but as Bill says, I mean, listening to people talk about this can usually be insufferable, but Bill's, Bill's nailing it. Like, that's just very simply, that's what it is. It kind of just washes away a lot of, you don't get the trip you want, Paul, you get the trip you need, man. That's what Jesus now, now fuck that man. No, I fucking hate, like I used to do a bit about, is there anything worse than listening to somebody dumb that took mushrooms? And then you got to listen to them like they figured some shit out.

And it's just like, no, man, you were just in an altered, like that one. You know something? I don't like listening to people that tripped and like, I fucking saw God, man. And like the clouds open up. And I was like, whoa. And the thing was like, come on, whoa and the thing was like come on man and i was like you know me i was like fucking man i think half of it is people just make this shit up um but i watched this i watched this video um about them using low levels of micro dosing. Yeah.

Like mushrooms or like ecstasy is part of therapy for people that to treat PTSD. For like, you know, it was over in Israel and one guy, one of the cases, there was a terrorist attack. Some fucking asshole blew up a bus full of people. And this guy was one of the first people that ran up and it was just all body parts and shit. And he was just some regular dude. And he just had saw that, totally fucked him up. There was another woman who got kidnapped

and she thought she was going to get killed and raped. They ended up letting her go. And there was another one that this dude got molested by his dad. So all of them had these fucking things. And they were on this trajectory. That moment happened. It's like a bend in the airway. They just went in a different fucking course.

So then they took this shit. And, you know, because I think it was trying to like that shock where you just block it out and then you're just like i blocked it out i'm not feeling it and you're just carrying it with you and it's affecting all of these decisions so they in an experimental way are are using this this stuff so those cases that they showed um they were claiming that it had a positive effect. And then they said that 80% of them, some really high number, it had a positive effect. So I don't know. All I know is I only did it one time and that's kind of, you know,

what I think I needed to, I kind of felt like in the last like week that maybe I needed to do it again. Like every once in a while, almost like do it again to be like, all right, let's see where that feeling is now. But like, you know, but it's fun to get there. You know, it looked like the fucking, you know, inanimate shit was breathing.

It was like, like the whole fucking place was doing this. I went out of fucking full-fledged path. I can't handle shit. I'm a bitch when it comes to shit like that i'm like dude you know you gotta be like you just fucking roll with it you just don't sit there trying to fight it's like all right yeah but paul it's like you're fucking going like oh my god is the chair alive like you're in some high school film strip trying to scare kids you just look at it you're like oh the chair looks like it's breathing because i'm tripping on mushrooms.

You don't forget that you took mushrooms. Be one thing, dude. If you like, you just forgot somebody slipped this shit into your drink and all of a sudden you're walking around and shit started doing that. But even then you think like, okay, obviously I somehow ingested something because I know this isn't, you know, it isn't real as it's happening. Well, you know what? You called me Pauly. You called me Pauly positives. And I think that's why I tampered with, uh, you know, little eight ball corner pocket to me is number one. That's why I just can't do it. Cause that is like the most evil fucking drug

ever. And like, I've never seen anybody on Coke who was cool ever all you want to do is get the fuck away from him and if you're doing blow with him all you're doing is watching to make sure he's not doing all of it let me do that fucking there's like different drugs dude like that that drug is on that drug is on the other side of the tracks don't go into that neighborhood i will tell you this one time i saw this fucking guy i don't know what he was high on i was on 23rd and broadway right by the flat iron building and it was one of those fucking freezing cold new york city days where you know where the wind is just whipping through the buildings so it's it's already like five degrees out. And then with the wind, it goes down to like minus 15.

And I don't give a shit how many layers you have on. It goes right to your bone. And we were sitting there waiting for the light to change. And I'm just sitting there, you know, cocksucker, motherfucker, let's fucking go. You literally want to run home. And I hear this guy just crying laughing and I look over and there's this guy in a fucking jeans and t-shirts and he is crying laughing and he's like not even there it's like whatever he's

experiencing he was just crying fucking laughing he was laughing so hard it started making me laugh, even though I was freezing my ass off. I always wondered what he was on. And I was like, as much as that's fucking his life up, like that experience of that is a very rare thing. I mean, that sounds like weed or edibles to me. No, dude. No, this guy was like, this guy was tripping. He was like,

he was seeing shit. It was like, there was somebody talking to him, telling him the funniest story ever. And like, dude, he was standing there and he was turning. So he was like,

he was like going, I can't even do the laugh. It was, it was a pure joy. It was like a was a pure joy. It was like a high school cafeteria laugh where everybody's just pounding the table. And you wonder if you're ever going to laugh like that again. He was doing it by himself in like minus 15 degree weather and a t-shirt and jeans. And we're all sitting there freezing our fucking asses off,

waiting for the light to turn. And I was just sitting there going like, it was one of the few times like I ever saw something and i was just going well maybe drugs aren't bad i mean i don't think i've ever i haven't enjoyed a summer the way this guy's enjoying the fucking winter here with no jacket yeah that yeah that that sounds like some some next shit man uh yeah those are the best, those, those laughs add to your life. My dad took me in Christian to see Rodney Dangerfield at radio city. And I don't know how they allowed me in there, but I was sleeping on my dad's lap at the, by the end of it is true.

And my dad was laughing so hard at another guy laughing at Rodney. So he said, Rodney was killing so hard that the guy would laugh so hard at another guy laughing at Rodney. So he said, Rodney was killing so hard that the guy would laugh so hard at a joke and then try to catch his breath to get the next joke. But like, could it, and my dad was in the balcony at radio city watching this guy. And my dad still says as great as the show was that guy laughing at him made his night. Yeah. Like watching somebody cry laughing like watching somebody truly truly cry one that i remember that i laughed at patrice o'neill rest his soul when that guy was in opie and anthony and they were saying stuff and he would make his dick go up and down game yeah the up and down game

he says something about the mets and his dick would just go up and then go, dude, when Patrice started fucking like he started out like a like a police siren and he just had to walk out. When I watched that laugh, I literally almost started to hysterical laugh. When you catch one like that, it's incredible. It's like a laugh like that is is incredible. I know you said you had one at a funeral. Yeah. Yeah, I had one. My buddy's dad died, and it was pouring down raining.

So they had one of those stupid Home Depot little fucking forced things with the tent top, and it was just too many people because the guy was so beloved. So we were standing there, and there was no way to get underneath it, so we were standing there and there was no way to get underneath it so we were you know getting rained on and my buddy was just inside of it and for some reason the rain was coming down so hard it created like this river and it was just missing my buddy's coat and in the middle of them like blowing him into the ground my buddy just was standing there to break the tension and the sadness reached up and just grabbed it and leaned it over so when my buddy

had like it wasn't like suede it was just that that faux whatever horseshit like letterman jacket you know and then the fake leather sleeves he had a jacket like that on okay yeah and it went down his fucking back and we started laughing because it broke the tension. And then we were also like, Oh my God, we're laughing at a funeral. So I just remember looking away and seeing one of the, like the guys that was driving the casket. One of those fucking guys was just standing there looking at us like, what the fuck?

Oh yeah. I had one of those. I had another one. One time, long time ago I was hanging out with a buddy of mine. He always looked up when he fucking talked. He was really fucking insecure. Like, hey, man, what's going on? So we were drinking at Faneuil Hall. It was like last call. We were trying to get something else to drink,

and we were just fucking wasted. And we were hanging out out and then this older black guy came up he was dressed in a suit and he had this briefcase so my friend's like he's like uh he's like hey man like you know what's with the briefcase and the black guy was like i got my papers in there man he goes you always got to be ready to make a move something like that and then my buddy just goes we'll go ahead and make a move man because i'll fucking kill you right like he took it the wrong way because they were both high and drunk or whatever and they both like started squaring off and the bartender like lunged

between them and i was crying laughing because i was like that's like a perfect like sitcom joke like just when you just totally like misunderstand somebody and i i was like i couldn't believe it happened and then i was also like laughing because the guy was like 60 but he was in his shoes like an old-time fucking you know hustle looking guy and then my buddy's all like all fucking beer and waterlogged um that was one of those ones. I was, uh, there was that one. Like when I was just, yeah, I was laughing so hard. I couldn't even try to break up the fight or explain like, no, no, he meant business move. Can't make you move, man. Cause I'll fucking kill you. I had one at the Soho cigar lounge where I actually feared for my health. I begged,

I begged him to, I don't know what happened, but it's with a buddy and he was talking about colonoscopies and he's dude, we're small. I'm having a picture of this. We're having a great time. I mean, great time. I got a Davidoff Nicaraguan. I got some sort of thing. I got either Lagavulin or Lafroy 10. I'm having a fucking great time. And we're sitting there and we start talking about men's health and dude, he got so and he's going no no paul paul it's not 50 anymore okay it's not 50 anymore it's 40 you got to get a colonoscopy dude they're finding this stuff like that and he starts telling me all this stuff and just out of nowhere the way he did he goes with all seriousness he

just goes he goes have you ever have you had your asshole checked? Dude, the way he said it, dude, I don't, I can't even, he just goes, have you had your asshole checked? Dude, he said it with, and I fucking lost control of myself. I said the sincerity of that. And then he starts laughing. I'm holding my stomach. And then, you know, when it just comes on, I'm holding, cause he's talking about, have you had your asshole checked dude and and i go no i didn't well ah i'm just going to stop ah stop and i could not breathe and people were just looking at our booth i'm pounding it i'm pounding it it was i just lost control of myself dude i had one with you that time when we were doing that gig in maine and that guy came out and we thought he was dressed as elvis we thought he was dressed as Elvis. We thought he was a fat Elvis.

And it turned out he was just dressed as Wolverine and he was just fat. So he's more of a fat Wolverine. So he came out and he was talking to us about whatever the fuck he was dressed up as. And in the middle of talking, this guy just fucking rips a fart. Like, like as he was talking to us,

like it was nothing and i remember you were talking to him when he ripped the fart and i just turned away and just like without trying to move my head or anything just was fucking like dying laughing it it went from yeah it went from us thinking this is going to be a cool hang and this guy's hilarious to he was smoking a shitty cigar he was fat out of shape he was a slob who was farting and we wanted nothing he wasn't elvis he was wolverine it was horrible he no like i learned that night the difference between wolverine and fat el is just, you know, about 40 pounds. But he didn't even conceal that fart. He didn't even try to. I'd never seen a guy.

It was fucking gangster. He just was like he had to and he let it go and he didn't give a fuck if we heard it. And he didn't even break. It was like watching Steve Grogan when the middle linebacker was coming up and he just waited until the last second before he let it go. He just didn't give a fuck. Standing with the train coming right at you. Oh, shit, man.

That guy was fucking, oh, he was a mess. I remember the woman he was with. I remember that. It was like some Halloween party. It was brutal. Yeah, no, it was like some halloween party it was brutal yeah no it was bad the whole thing was uh you saw a uh it was just a group of people that never had a chance they just never did that kind of people even hit the lottery like within 18 months they'd be broke again and somebody would be murdered like they just they just don't like they just they didn't have a chance they never had a

that's one of the saddest fucking things when you do the road as a comedian like the first four years of your career you are performing for the generally speaking you're performing in places where people never had a fucking chance oh my god and if you can somehow get through the depression of that you have a chance to get to a funny bone or something but i mean there was just like there were fucking people dude no i remember oh my god i remember a long time ago i was fucking, I was dating this chick. And she sang in this cover band. So fuck it. I don't know. I can't remember.

It was so fucking long ago. And afterwards, we were sitting at the table. It was around the holidays. And that song, Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer came on. And the whole table of people, not her band, just the fans of the band were all singing it, cracking up laughing like they thought it was the funniest thing ever. And I was just looking at them,

and I was looking at their dirty all-white Reebok sneakers, and I just saw all of them. I was just like, like it was it's just like i wasn't judging them i was just as crushing depression just washed all over me i was just like these people are gonna have kids and and they're never gonna have a chance like there is no this is a full american idol paul there was like no way out of this the visual of you watching them sing the song, like at the intensity and hysteria that they were in during it is amazing.

Oh, dude, it was like, these were people that lived in trailer parks, man. And it's just like, people don't understand. I don't think people understand that level of poverty. Where they do a lot of stuff about inner cities, like non-white people, but white people that live in trailer parks, generally speaking, are just laughed at. So there's not even any empathy for them. And I just remember I had like empathy. I was just looking at them. Then I was hearing the smokers cough and I was seeing the boils on their

faces. I mean mean they literally looked like they were from another they were so broke they looked like they were from another century oh dude grandma got run over by a reindeer and they would laugh every time it came around and i was just like oh my god and then they were looking at me and i wasn't laughing and they could see me taking in what their world was and i had had, I was only like Donnie Brasco. I had to like fucking fake, like, Oh, he's funny. Oh dude. It was like, it was literally like the electric slide was the most exciting thing that

happened to any of their families for generations. I mean, it was just fucking, I don't think it was one of the most depressed I'd ever been. I'd ever been like, I was just like, there had, there's no reason why in a first world country, people should have to live like this. Whatever books they were given in, in,

in high school need to be updated. It's tough. This song should not bring this level of fucking humor enjoying these people that's what's making me look no man wait and it's not judging like i'm not trying to judge but i had restless leg syndrome i was just fucking sitting there like i gotta get the fuck out of here no man i just wanted to just it's brutal i want to do the irish goodbye to the relationship too i just want to be like It's brutal. I want to do the Irish goodbye to the relationship too. I just want to be like, hang on a second.

I have to go to the bathroom. And I just wanted to get in my car and drive out of Maine back to where I was living. No, dude. I remember I went to this place once and it was so brutal that like. The people in the band were cool i'm just saying fans i'm talking about i was sitting with their fans and i was just like i i is there anything better than driving away is there anything better that's one of my favorite things to do ever is to drive away in that movie because that movie uh where ben affleck's wife fakes her death yeah gone girl

oh yeah yeah gone baby go what would you go gone girl that gone baby gone yeah yeah when she drives away and she's eating like snack foods i thought the whole movie was fucked up but she's just sitting there eating like ho-hos driving a shitty car down the highway i remember thinking like that right there is like the most free you can ever be. Just driving away, just driving away from whatever it is. Get your food and just drive. Just can't wait to leave. Just can't wait to leave. Stacey and I went to a place and we don't want to judge anybody.

We know people don't have certain amounts of money, but dude, they were bringing out like hors d'oeuvres and it was just like cold cuts on paper plates, dude. It was, I'm not like, and you know me, like when it comes to meats and shit, like you got to roll it up, put it on some fucking, you know, I mean, they were, they might as well have taken like, just like bologna out of the thing from the deli and just fucking slapped it on a paper plate. And like, you know, those like shitty cheddar cheese blocks with like toothpicks. It was, it was like, you give this shit to your dog. And I remember just sitting there and I'm like looking at my wife and I'm going like, we got to get the fuck out of here, man.

I got to get the fuck out of here. Like I can't. Dude, it's sitting there just seeing people that don't, they have no shot in life. It's sad, man. I mean, you can't be a human being and not, you're just sitting there. It just, it kills you just looking at him and like, oh my God, you're meeting like fucking 18 year old people that have the teeth of like a 60 year old fucking sitting there with a cigarette dangling on the mouth.

Cause they don't know any better. And it's just like, like, how do you end this cycle? Yeah. Yeah. It's the, the conversations are brutal. It's just, you know, Oh, and then when they start picking up on you, looking at them like that, then you got to quickly be like, Oh yeah, no, I try to play it off. Uh, no, it's brutal, man. And you don't want to judge you want to, but I agree with you. I think if you give those people money, I don't think it off. Uh, no, it's brutal, man. And you don't want to judge. You want to,

but I agree with you. I think if you give those people money, I don't think it changes. No, no. You have to undo. Like you have to. Yeah.

Like it's a whole, you know, whole like they're done. They're done. They're cooked. It's done. You can't do, you have to,

you, what you have to do is go in like special ops and take their children which why would you do that but that's the only way to break that cycle because those people no that cloud hanging over them are then going to teach those kids this just there's no and every once in a while there's like the person that fucking makes it out of there you know what i mean and and i i don't i don't know how they do it i don't know how the fuck they do it like uh wow dude that really just brought back like some fucking memories of some one-nighters i did in like new hampshire maine upstate New York Middle of this country Dude, just like in the middle of fucking

Nowhere, the places where like They dump the nuclear waste and these people Say we don't want it here and they just don't have The money to fight it You know, you're doing stand up In a city, a state where like the fucking Life expectancy is like 48 years old You know, like Ben Franklin lived longer

Than half of these fucking people And what's sad too is you see their parents you see a little boy or girl that's four or five you see their parents and you're like you're fucked dude i went to this fucking like white trash we got to get off this subject i think we're just we're killing people here i saw this one kid he was like four he. He had like wild hair. He was running around. And me and my buddy joked. It was like, dude, who's going to put that kid in a fucking cage. Now seeing people without a chance,

dude, it's just the most depressing thing you could ever fucking see. And then you try to like how you can do it, how you can stop it, dude. It's literally like, it's like a fucking fan blade. You try to stick

your hand in you're gonna lose your hand trying to you just gotta like if i could just save one all right that was uplifting i like you know it's funny i saw that in europe too dude did you all these fucking liberals out here trying. Every other country is amazing. And this country is so fucked up, dude. I saw that in Europe. I obviously, I saw it other places that I went to that you're not allowed to say because then you're being mean to the country. But like, dude, I've seen levels of fucking poverty. It just, yeah, it makes you question God, everything.

You're like, I know there's a devil. Like, I definitely don't have a doubt about that. But like, that there's a God that gives a fuck. That makes human beings wired the way they are. That they can, like, oppress people and just fuck people

over. Dude, it's, yeah, alright. Let's move on, Phil. Let's move on. So, Halloween's coming up, dude. What are you going as? Well, I'm psyched. I think the kids can go out with like a mask because two years ago, I took my daughter out and she was so frigging excited.

She was so shy the first three houses. And then when she got candy and they were all freaking out about her costume, they would open the door and she'd be down the end of the walk, just screaming, I Doc McStuffin, you know, and she just like hailed in it up and was like, I mean, it really is the greatest night ever in a lot of ways. There's a lot of ways it's better than Christmas for a kid. It's like, like they're living this fantasy.

You just knock door to door and people just give you a free candy. Yeah. Parents are going to let you have some and not, you know, tell you to brush your teeth or whatever, every five seconds or who gave you that or whatever. And it's yours. It's your candy. And you get complimented every door. You look great. Oh yeah. Yeah. It is great. It is great. And going with your kids is good. Going with your kids is like, it brings it back in a way, you know?

I just watch as long as my kids are having a good time. I don't give a shit. As long as they don't end up, Paul, in those situations like we just fucking described. I don't like those piece of shit houses that keep their lights black. They just fucking they just they just call it out it's like you can't go to the store and buy a fucking couple of uh kid cats you lazy fuck well no if they're single and you know they want to go out you know the chicks whore it up that night you want to go out and see if they're out there trying to get laid paul it's not always that no no i know i'm

talking about the families that are home that just do the, you know, the good ones will leave a bucket at the end. And then the piece of shit kids take all the candy. Yeah. No, you got it. I respect it, Paul. I respect the light out. Because there's a lot of people that participate,

and then they just give you like the little bite-sized tight fuck, you know, candy. Why don't you just keep the light out because there's a lot of people that participate and then they just give you like the little bite-sized tight fuck you know candy it's like why don't you just keep the light out but this is how you're gonna show up on sunday door and go hey what do you got yeah i go i give extra too you know me i give extra i used to do full-size candy bars. And then what happened was these fucking asshole parents would have their kids come back again. And then adults would start coming by. And I would just be... I remember one time there was a guy. Wow. Like fucking bald and like in his...

He's like as old as I was. I just go, really? He's like, yes. I'm like, really? He goes, yes. I'm like, really? He goes, yes. And I didn't have any more reallys in me and I still like candy. So I just gave it to him. I'll never forget that. Really? Yes. I just give extra. You guys want a little more? I take a little more. Plus we don't get a lot up here. So, like, we get, like, a couple of rushes,

and then we just have all this extra stuff. So the last 10 people that come, we just load them up. I just load them up. Get it out of here. Yeah, get it out of here. I'll tell you what I used to like as a kid, and I just can't handle it anymore, is a Butterfinger. Ugh, I don't like it.

Oh, my God. It's just like, Jesus, enough. Is there anything in here other than sugar and glue it just sticks to your teeth no yeah it's it's horrible yeah what's your horrible it's like you bit into a mouse trap that had that sugar i know there's glue traps for mice uh i'm a twix guy dude twix is incredible caramel on a cookie over you know what's funny i had one of those when they first came out. I was like, this is the worst fucking candy bar I've ever had in my life.

I fucking hated them. And then years later, there was so many people eating Twix. I was like, maybe I got a bad one and I tried it actually liked it. Yeah. You know what? The cookie with the caramel together is good. I'm a gummy. I'm a gummy bear guy. All that that dude i had like those fucking gelatinous things i know it's it's not even doesn't taste it's like air it's like you're eating a fucking chewy button or something it's like something that should be on clothes i don't know why i love them starbursts i love taffy well there's just starbursts has flavor that's another thing sticks

to your teeth but like gummy, there's like no flavor. Like I get excited. Oh, a green one. I'm going to taste some fucking, you know, science-infused lime here. You know, or the orange one. And they just sort of like, you can't even bring your teeth together. No, remember Now and Laters? Those were fucking, dude, that was like, talk about giving money to a dentist.

Now and later was like. I never had one of those. Oh, now and laters were horrible for you. Oh, it's all bad for you. Dude, I had 11 cavities as a kid once. 11. Doctor was just like, you know, like they had like a meeting. Dude, you were just not brushing your teeth.

I was just eating candy. And like, I would like rush my teeth at night, like real quick when my mom said to my, Lucas has a problem. Lucas is really addicted to taffy and candy. And he had a bunch of cavities and they go, dude, he's bad. Like it's bad. And now all his baby teeth are gone. So now he's just like, dude, I saw him. I saw him sneaking last night into the thing sneaking last night he just he just loves candy dude he loves can i did too i'm a sucker for fucking i love candy you had it laying around you passed it on paul now you're making me depressed this is this is the trailer park of your family tree hey all right the worst

thing you're gonna say about my family is we eat a pack of twizzlers to fuck you know licorice sucks dude all of that shit it's like it's rubber that doesn't taste like anything i don't like red vines as much but a nice twizzler twizzler with popcorn is a nice combo at the movies dude ah dude you can you can take all and that's movie popcorn dude there's nothing better than the first third and the rest of it it makes you question how long you're gonna live like you just want to die and i fucking hate like even if you get like a small it's like just this giant bucket like they're getting rid of it like i don't know how much money they make on popcorn it's like reverse caviar it's just they cannot give you enough of it

yeah like whatever they give you it's just like i mean it's insane it's an insane amount what's grosser or more gross should i say than getting a hot dog at a movie or those nachos that's fucking that's hardcore that's taking it to a whole it's like just get a fucking pack of candy and some fuck here's what you do if you go to the movies you get a small popcorn your favorite candy and a drink and you call it a fuck but these guys put nacho cheese and fuck yeah give me some jalapenos they got chicken fingers now pizza hot dogs it's like it's fucking it's it's too much i always overdo it when i go to the movies

i'll get two giant things of fucking candy and just get that sugar going and i'm like oh man i'm getting too high getting too high i need the popcorn i gotta bring it down with the salt and then i finish it off with like you know it's weird like i like m&ms with the penis but those plain m&ms dude like dude nothing for me oh my god it's just all sugar you have like fucking three of them three handfuls of those things and you're just like i i think i gotta go home my wife loves goobers so the goobers are just the peanut with chocolate on them it's just literally i'm not into raisins man raisins chocolate covered raisins oh raisinets dark chocolate raisin that's not bad

nah raisins in a dessert it's just like they shouldn't be together i don't want to get like racist with food but they need to be separate but equal that's how i am with nuts dude leave your fucking walnuts out of your banana bread leave walnuts off a cake oh dude walnuts with banana bread. Leave walnuts off a cake. Oh, dude. Walnuts with banana bread. Come on. That's like Laurel and Hardy. I don't like the crunch. You know, I don't want crunch.

I got to tell you something, Paul. As much as Italians crush cuisine, your desserts are fucking terrible, dude. You don't like cannolis? No, I'm always disappointed. Like, it doesn't even make sense that it's not that good. It's so fucking dry.

And then the filling just doesn't do it. You know, maybe if it's a pistachio one, it's all right. Dude, and those fucking dry-ass cookies. And the other thing that begins with a B. Oh, biscotti. Yeah, yeah. Oh, biscotti. The fucking, all of that shit. there's a gallon of water to wash it

down i don't understand how a group of people can make octopus taste good but you can't make a fucking cookie it doesn't make any sense no the rainbow cookies are good there's a couple places i could take you in the bronx no i'm done with that shit i'm done with that shit everybody oh dude i got the italian bakery okay you know what the rainbow ones aren't the ones that look like trees are they or they might that's what christmas cookies champagne cookies no no that's that's the one that looks like i'm talking about the one that's green pink and white and they're very there's chocolate around them but they're moist and wet in the middle. They're fucking delicious, man. They're delicious.

There's a place. Nobody, I got a sweet tooth like nobody's fucking business, but I'll tell you that I don't think I've ever ordered dessert in an Italian restaurant. We just got a chocolate German cake, German chocolate cake for our Oktoberfest, which was, was pretty fucking delicious. Chocolate cake is German chocolate. Cake's really good. Carrot cake is really good. It can go either way. It can go either way.

German chocolate is never, it's either great or it's fucking terrible. You like pie? You got to, you got to, huh? You like pie? Oh, Paul, I can fucking make a pie. I swear to God. What are you going, peach cobbler? You going a little peach cobbler?

Whatever the fuck you want whatever the fuck you want i'll make a pie crust okay that'll make your sicilian eyes water up and then whatever whatever filling you got i'll grab a recipe off the internet and then i'll just add to it i'll improv off of that like a jazz band i i just had that recipe egg me on ah dude i love a nice pocket what do you want paul i'll go for it right in your face paul what do you do great afternoon of your life scoop of scoop of vanilla next to it can you make a cherry pie never did but i could yeah fuck yeah oh peach cobbler sounds good dude peach cobbler is horrible is it oh it tastes like somebody already chewed it and then puked it up i always feel like a cow had it first went through its first stomach and then it yacked it into a fucking plate i hate peach cobbler what about lemon

although my sister-in-law makes a great one because you know what there is with hers there's actually the crust yeah i love the crust dude it always looks like you dude after two scoops somebody takes it out it looks like somebody stepped on it too like somebody dropped a bowling ball right in the middle and it's always in some fucking aluminum fucking tray i mean low rent dude peach cobblers low rent warm apple pie scoop of vanilla is jordan of pies warm apple with a scoop of vanilla you just can't fuck with it i'll tell you why i have a pie that can fuck with that it's an indiana cream pie oof the recipe came from i believe indiana chocolate in it or no no paul you're gonna have this thing dude it's like heroin it's like fucking wow it's one of those things like i don't make the pie because if i make it i'm gonna finish it i will sit there paul

like i'm eating a bowl of cereal dude i'm getting'm getting starving right now. You got to do this. We got to do this. We got to do this. We got to do this with a stick. We got to do this with a stick. All right, the next time you and I are hanging out, I'm going to make that fucking cream pie for you. Here's what we do.

We go to dinner, either steakhouse or Italian dinner, and then we do the pie that you make, and then we top it off with a fucking Cuban. Let your Irish German Mick fucking friend handle the dessert. I'll let you guys handle the fucking, you know, the entree, the second and the main course,

by the way, if, if I can do anything for America, I want people to stop calling the main course, the entree that's French for enter. It's the first thing. It's the first thing. Yeah. I never do that. Stop calling it the entree. I'll tell you one thing. And then I know we got to, uh, we got to run. I got to go fucking early flight tomorrow.

When Austria, when we were in Austria. Oh shit. Was everything all right? My wife just sent me a text. They took off the back of the fucking driver's side mirror. Oh, no. What happened? Oh, boy. Someone just hit my car and kept driving. Oh, shit.

They're all right. Whatever. All right. Well, anyway, I was just gonna say in austria they have cheese at the end of everything so it like cheese closes the dessert so it's like appetizer then then dinner then dessert and then the guy came with cheeses and i go what's this i got all excited i was like this is oh good i remember that that was one of the greatest fucking places I ever played

And I was so stuffed before I even came in There I couldn't stop eating that food And then he goes oh cheese we do at the end of Everything to and I was like Oh my god I was just like Oh amazing speaking of that There's a reason why Hitler wanted to get that piece of

Property back first He got greedy, Paul. If he just stayed with that, if all he did was just try to get Austria back and he let all those other poor innocent people fucking... He's a fucking dope. He is a dope. Somebody's going to animate that.

You're going out on a limb here. He's a dope and Jacksonville's in disarray because their coach is out in a fucking hooters, Paul. I mean, I mean, you are the king. Dude, you're like so mesmerizing. So you just go, he's a dope. I'm like, he's a dope. Like we're talking about some jerk off down the street that you don't want

running your website. It's Hitler, Paul. some jerk off down the street that you don't want running your website it's hitler paul i dude i told you the way you talk about hitler like you grew up on the block with them like what the fuck's the matter with you like that's what you would say to hitler no somebody's gonna animate that me and hitler on a boat fishing and it's going to be quiet. And I just look, why wouldn't you say, Hey, if you spent Hitler, why wouldn't you say, Hey, look at that. And then when he looks, you hit him with the fucking bat. That's what you should do.

Because I need, cause when somebody's that fucking nuts and does what he did, I need an explanation for a second. I need to find out what he was thinking. But Paul, you, what, for the fasc what for the fascination of a lunatic mind because if i just said to him on a boat dude what the fuck were you doing what are you thinking what's wrong what's the fucking matter with you and then wait for an answer you'll be like i know no i'm always blaming jews like what do you think he's gonna say say? Yeah, yeah, I guess he's not going to have, like, yeah. First of all, Paul, first of all, Paul, you were on his hit list. What do you mean?

Oh, Italy. Italy and the Greeks. You guys were on his hit list. This guy was not stopping. Right. With what he started with. He considered all Hungarian people, all of those those we consider all of them mongrels you know the greeks kept them out and they still celebrate that day it's called oh he day it means no and

that's when they said no and then uh churchill later on because they thought greece was gone and then churchill later on said uh let us not say that uh people fight like heroes let them say they fight like greeks who i just botched it. But yeah, that was, they had a big pushback, the Greeks. There you go. No, but that was a great way. He said, he gave you guys a shout out. So you keep picking his ass so that you'd help him out. At the end of the day, dude, I guarantee you,

Churchill didn't give a shit about Greeks. He probably thought he was above you guys too. Those fucking English people. I mean, yeah, of you guys too those fucking english people i mean yeah they they think that they're a cut above there's a lot of people out there that they think they're a cut above there's other fucking groups i can only make fun of the white ones that do that's how the game works but you know there's there's a there's a certain country over there there in Asia that gives white people a run for their money as far as thinking like they're the chosen ones. And all the other countries out there, Paul, they have paid the price. They have paid the price. But we're not going to talk about that, Paul.

We're here to fucking wrap this thing up. We're going to wrap this puppy. Oh, by the way, we didn't talk about it. I don't know if you saw it. We didn't talk about the Tyson Fury Wilder fight. But can I just say this? I don't know if you saw it. We didn't talk about the Tyson Fury Wilder fight,

but can I just say this? Oh, let's talk. All else we didn't talk about is your Boston Red Sox are advancing. Shout out to all the Yankee fans who said to me, have fun getting swept by Tampa. Well, there you go. We had a great time. We had a fun time getting swept by Tampa. Well, here's the thing.

I enjoyed the fight. I put a 20-foot screen in my backyard. I put a gigantic movie theater screen in my backyard, and we had an Oktoberfest party. We had a bonfire, and everybody sat around and watched a fucking movie theater-sized screen of the fight. Pretty clear, too. That being said, everybody comparing it.

People comparing it. I know they're trying to sell a fight. It's not Gotti-Ward. It's not historic. It was a good fight. It was a decent fight. It wasn't the fucking. People were making this.

I got to tell you, Paul, it was pretty sloppy. It was some of the ugliest boxing. It was just ham-fisted. Wilder didn't even block his head, man. I'm watching a fight. Theer didn't even block his head, man. I'm watching a fight. The guy wasn't even protecting himself. And I thought it was cool that Fury went down twice. Never happened before.

Wilder got up. I thought it was cool that way. But is that how bad boxing has gotten? Because UFC has taken over so much that when you watch a couple of sloppy guys getting up and down, it becomes one of these. It was a decent fight to watch. There's a new era in boxing. It's the dad bod era. Where you're seeing these guys with dad bods fighting absolutely shredded Adonises.

And they're somehow winning. That Latino dude, man. Oh, Ruiz, yeah. I love that guy. He fucking got knocked on his ass, just looked, all right, came up and fucking knocked a dude. I know he lost the next one, but, like, I don't know. As a dad, with a bit of a dad bod, there's no way.

You got to root for the guy who's got some love handles out there who looks like, you know, he just came walking out of his front porch. Ah, and your kid's knocking him over there. I'll give you a Sunday punch. It's amazing that Tyson Fury at 6'9 can slip a punch. This is incredible. Well, not only that, though. He gets hit in the face real hard and comes up.

That guy's come up, dude. When that one he sat up like the Undertaker in that first fight, when he was hit on the way down i don't know how he got up i give him a lot of credit oh no that guy is like he's like text card text card but do you get hit in the face and he fucking shake it off he'd smile he just would keep coming that guy dude those guys are not they're not built like regular people but i always at this point though, dude, knowing what you know now about CTE, like I could do without them cutting to Wilder's wife crying. Yeah, I don't know why.

I didn't understand why I needed to see Tyson Fury figure out what roads he took to the fucking arena. I mean, the fight before was a great fight. One of the fights. And I'm watching this guy. He gets knocked down for the first time in his career. And they got a split screen with Tyson Fury.

Sitting in like this fucking nice chair. Shooting the shit with some people in his dressing room. It's just like, I don't know. I thought that was disrespectful to the fighters. Yeah. Listen, I enjoyed it. It went 11 rounds. and i had people over that's always fun and there were some nice shots that's always fun but to compare it to goddie ward

to compare it to goddie ward is just this just wasn't i think that's because of that youtube kids taking all the money because i noticed like nine times during that fight they had to remind me that i was getting my money's worth uh yeah you know what they kept saying i mean this is excitement this is what boxing i mean you can't complain about this yeah because yeah and ufc dana white and the ufc do a fucking banger every other weekend where you're like oh this card's incredible i'm gonna fuck it's gonna be three and a half hours of epic and these guys fight t Fury and then fight once a year. So that's the thing.

But I did enjoy it. But people got mad at me. They're like, that's such a garbage take, Paul. Saying that, I go, I liked it. It was good. I did it. It's such a garbage take. You didn't enjoy it.

I go, I did enjoy it. I enjoyed it very much. But it's not Gotti Ward. It's not historic. I enjoyed it very much, but it's not Gotti Ward. It's not historic. No, Gotti Ward was like, it was also like the way that they moved and the way they were punching and everything. Like, I mean, that looked like a fucking barroom brawl for like 90 minutes.

I mean, that was like some shit like you'd see in a saloon, an old cowboy movie. It was just haymakers. Wait, which one? The one, the recent one? Yeah, the recent one. I was just saying that one. I was just haymakers wait which one the one the the recent one yeah the recent one i was just saying that one was just like what the fuck it but then you know goddie ward was just like dude like how are these two guys still standing that was like that was like there was like a real rocky apollo for like goddie ward was like like if you saw that paralysis

castillo is another one that i always bring up. That was a great one. Yeah. Evander Holyfield versus Michael Doakes was a fucking sick fight. Remind me to tell you something after. Remind me to tell you something. Go ahead. No, no, no. No, no, no.

After. But, yeah, you just said something. But I do like that. Boxing did have a nice little night and boxing was, it was a great fight and all that type of stuff. But it was just like, I could, I could have done without seeing the dude's wife crying. I didn't need to see that. Yeah.

Yeah. No. All right, man. Well, I know you got to go. I got an early flight. And what's your prediction who do the red socks play

now if the red socks play the astros no that you are playing the astros i think oh no we are playing the astros oh it's the trash can fucking paul i'm gonna go to home depot and get some trash cans the one thing about that i know about baseball is it's timing and you guys are flying right now so anything could happen and it's not a quick series. It's not a wild card or a three game series. So, oh, I forgot to give you shit. You know what Paul did to me last week? What'd I do?

When, uh, yeah, you know, this is coming, Paul. When I was three and oh, looking at it and possibly going four and oh, to win my final bet when it was in and when it was the end of the game and you knew that Tom Brady, the Tom Brady Buccaneers were not going to cover. You fucking texted me Vegas is so good. That really

bugged me. You gave a shout out to a bookie as your buddy was losing a bet. That's how competitive you are, Paul. You got a problem. No, no, no. You know I don't wish that. I didn't wish that on you.

I don't do. By the way. Paul, there was joy in that tweet. The Germans, we call that schadenfreude. Give a word for that. Schadenfreude. That's what that was, Paul. That's what it was, Paul.

We need to get one thing straight. I don't believe in jinxes. Okay? There's no way that me living in me i didn't say it was a jinx i was saying scheinfreud right is getting pleasure in the misery of somebody else the germans are so fucked up they have a word for it i don't take pleasure in people that i love having that happen to paul there was joy in the text there are certain people that if you were them, I would be happy. Who texts?

Why would you text Vegas is so good when I'm losing a bet? Did you ever think that maybe I was trying to, like, be consoling? No. Could be. That's who I am. Paul, you're also the guy who, like, five weeks ago, wouldn't shut up about the Yankees in their 13-game winning streak, and then they lose to the Red Sox. I don't give a shit about baseball anymore. No, it didn't hurt me as much is what I meant, and it didn't.

Me and you have both been saying that. Are you really into this? Are you really into the Red Sox right now? Like really? Listen, I have two kids under the age of four. I'm not really into anything i'm getting my ass handed to me by the bookie i have all i can do to watch a fucking football game you know what i'm into paul eight hours fucking sleep now if i had no fucking personal

life i don't like that's that's all i pull that's what i did for almost the first 50 years of my life. Bruins. Yeah. Red Sox, Patriots. The Celtics, I would watch, but you just have to, you got to pick one or the other, Bruins or Celtics. Something happens when you get older, though, and I think you nailed it. Married with kids, you can't give a fuck to a level.

Like, you ever see a guy cry in a bar? You ever see a guy scream at a TV in a bar the what the fuck like that i've seen that and oh i saw a chiefs fan in new york doing that he had the whole conspiracy he was just screaming at the tv oh that's right give it to him again give it to him again it's like wow i can't i was looking at, I was with Doug Signe and I was looking like, dude, this is how much, how long the Patriots have been winning. Oh my God. Yeah. Like this guy has literally, it's like watching people that the pandemic,

you watch people kind of slowly go crazy. This guy had been losing. This couldn't, his team could never win a Superbowl, had not won a Superbowl at that point. And since 1970. Like that guy, I'm guaranteeing you. Dude, he got thrown out of the bar. He was in New York City watching Chiefs Patriots and got thrown out of the bar.

He was making so much fucking noise by himself. Wow. He got belligerent. No, no, dude. That's like a level I've never, me and you saw the World Cup and we saw that grown man melt when argentina lost and he was fucking bubbling weeping i've never given a fuck like that ever that guy looked like he like the some fucking doctor said you have six months to live and that was his last chance to see his country win the world cup dude if my dog got hit by a car in front of me and i saw him like taking his last breaths and

mangled i don't know if i would be i would be devastated but that guy acted like that and brazil scored a goal cry if your dog died in front of you if my dog died in front of me i would cry but i would be like dude i would fucking do everything i can get this guy that guy acted like he just his family got wiped out no i understand that part i don't understand you know dude i can see if a cat dies who gives a fuck about a cat easy dude that fucked me up man a song came on guy's been in my life 16 years man dude cats are like so transient like this just like they're like for their playboys but people don't know how to raise a wide collar that they're not fucking they're not in it they're not out of it they like you when they need something they're fucking cunts dude a dog

listen a dog you come home man there's there's no human being that greets you they greet you like a four-year-old for the rest of your life their whole fucking life they are so fucking excited when you come home cats don don't give a fuck, Paul. Can we do a sketch? I'm doing 80 stand-up right now. The difference between dogs and cats. Can we do a sketch of coming home and having your wife act like a dog? Has SNL done that?

Has somebody done when you come home and your wife is just like, Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Just hugging you, kissing you, grabbing your face. Bill had a bit like that in one of my specials about how my dog greets me versus how my... Oh, did you? Yeah.

She goes, you don't give a shit about me. I tell her, why don't you act like the fucking dog when I come home every once in a while? Oh, that's so funny. Yeah. What's not the right thing to say in that moment? No, I'm fine. I just make fun of my wife just to do it she's fucking awesome yeah me and my wife are going at it so I'm gonna

oh yeah I'm going oh we went at it this morning my wife just started fucking yelling at me because I kept going I can't shake this fucking cold it's not COVID I don't know what I mean and she always goes baby it's allergies every fucking time it's like it's not fucking allergies. As you get older, your allergies change.

It's just like, yeah, my wife was talking about this cold that won't fucking go away. That's lingers for like two weeks. Yeah. My wife goes, Hey, there's some dishes in there. If you could do them, I'm not going to do them. So I want you to do them or can you do them? And I go, Oh yeah, I'll do them. And then I started watching a fucking show.

So I pass out and, you know, 6.30, 7 o'clock in the morning, I hear dishes going and I go, babe. I said, babe, I fell asleep last night. I'll do them now. I'll do them when I get up. She just goes, I already fucking did them. Yeah, I'm with your wife on that, you fucking asshole. I fell asleep, dude.

Yeah, you're a bum. It's late. Excuses. That's. I fell asleep, dude. You're a bum. It was late. Excuses. That's all I'm hearing, Paul, is excuses. You going to blame your offensive line now? Paul, I wanted to be with you on that one. You know I have your back. I wanted to be with you on that one. She wanted him done so she could come home and wake up.

Dude, waking up to a clean, is there anything better? Waking up to a clean kitchen. Dishes are done. Everything's spotless. Everything is where it's supposed to be. So you don't have to finish the fucking mistakes of yesterday and then go on a treasure hunt looking for everything as you try to make your fucking goddamn eggs.

Well, there's a deeper situation. And the deeper situation is maybe, just maybe, sometimes if they put in a little extra. Maybe sometimes if they throw a little fucking more mustard on the fastball. I'll be inclined to not fall asleep. Oh, we're not talking about dishes anymore. We're not talking about dishes anymore, people. I didn't know where you were going with that. Yeah. By the way talking about dishes anymore. We're not talking about dishes anymore, people. I didn't know where you were going with that.

Yeah. By the way, I'm joking. My wife does so much. Dude, it's the chicken or the egg. They're like, hey, you know, I'd fucking, you know, take care of you a little more maybe if you did the dishes. But then sex becomes like a reward. I used to do a bit about that. You took out the trash. You're a good boy

yeah no my i listen i can't my wife fucking did a party and she did well you can't complain because you live with her no but she does where does that get you no she crushes everything and she's fucking organized including your fucking self-esteem come on paul let it out no she does a lot she does a lot no eye contact no eye contact body language she does a lot she's she's got the fucking snacks out she does the dishes she fucking cleans and then yes sometimes you know i'll come home late and i could do the one thing but see here's the thing i don't think it's and you just you just blew by what you could have done no i think it's not a big deal if I do the dishes at seven 30, as opposed to doing it at one in the morning. She doesn't.

Yeah. You're just get it done. Cause Paul, she doesn't want to look at those dirty fucking dishes. And then what's going to happen is the food's going to dry on them. You know, you're doing a half-assed. I already know, Paul, just looking at how you dress, you're not good at washing dishes. I know that she probably has to rewash at least 30% of them. I cannot accept that in an adult. No, we have a dishwasher, so we wipe it off,

and we spray it with the water, and then it goes in the dishwasher. You got an automatic pilot is what you got. Yeah, it's basically unloading and loading. So you can't even rinse off fucking plates and just stick them in the dishwasher well i would add to unload the dishwasher oh well they're all dried and organized all the bowls you stack them up boom all the silverware wham wham wh, wham. Yeah. I'm wrong. You didn't. You didn't because you didn't want to. And she's tired of fucking walking around with two kids and feeling like she has three. Get off your fucking ass and do the goddamn dishes. It's because when she's the type of person that she's not going to do the next thing unless that's done.

So when she wakes up in the morning, she's not going to do the lunches. Right. Cause there's shit right there in the sink. So she has to take care of the job that Paul didn't do. Yeah. And I know this Paul, cause I live this. Yeah. When the fuck was going to do it? No, no, no. Everything. Yeah. It takes longer to talk about it. You could be, everything you could do in 10 minutes, you can clean it. I didn't expect to get fucking bullied on my two fucking friends on my podcast. Yeah. It takes longer to talk about it. You could be, everything you could do in 10 minutes, you can clean a house in 15 minutes.

I didn't expect to get fucking bullied on my two fucking friends on my podcast. Oh, now he's a victim. Now he's a victim. He had a simple job to do. He doesn't take care of it. His wife calls him out on it. And now he's getting bullied. Paul, I'm sorry. I always take your side. You're wrong on this one. I mean, Bill's going and then you got the Greek freak popping in. I mean, fuck. I'm going to go take the garbage out right after this podcast. You should.

I cannot handle living with an adult that's like a fucking slob. It's just like. I'm definitely not a slob. I'm clean. I'm definitely not a slob. Listen, Paul, I'm not saying you don't have your sneaker collection organized. If it's something you care about, I'm sure your cigars are lined up nicely in your humidor and you have your bottle colognes alphabetized. I'm talking about the mainstream areas, the bathroom, the kitchen. Paul, you can

see it in your eyes. You can see it in your eyes, Paul. No, eyes paul no i mean i got a cleaning lady yeah yeah yeah yeah your heart's your jake cutler you know i was you got all the potential i just don't feel like you want to play in this city anymore it's inexplicable yeah if i you know what you're right if i put it on other things the way i do my career and life and kids and being a dad i need to do that you know what fine i could admit that took a while but okay we'll give you that we could all get better we could all be better fucking people paul you really couldn't admit you you argued it and at some point you said you were being bullied i can't remember it was just like i thought at one point i was going to get canceled all right that is That is the, uh, that is the show guys. So we gave you

two hours. You know, you could be cleaner. I could be more easy going. You know what I mean? That's why this podcast works, Paul. Together we make one perfect bald man. And speaking of that, uh, speaking of that, get, uh, get all of the podcasts on Spotify, iTunes, wherever you get your podcast, check out obviously Monday morning podcast, the Verzi effect, go to the YouTube channel guys, October 22nd. I am doing my first theater, the Wilba, the Wilba kid. I'm going to be there October 22nd, Friday night tickets are going. I hope to see you guys there. Oh, you're going to crush it up there. I can't wait to get up there. So there you go.

I can't wait to watch you still bring up Eli Manning and ignore that the Yankees just fucking lost to get in the playoffs to the Red Sox. Waiting for that. You know you're still doing your Eli joke. You know you are. No, I'm not. You are.

No, I'm not. You will. You're going to get backed into a corner. You're going to dust it off. No, no, no. One more time. Little fucking Vaseline on the hat. You're going to fucking throw it right over there. Shaking off the catcher. All right, guys. I'm coming with the gas. Till next week, man. We're out of here.

Thank you guys so much for listening and enjoy our football picks on our BetMGM edition. Talk to you guys. All right, we'll see you. We'll see you.