Anything Better? - Kinda of Not Enough

Episode Date: March 5, 2022

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what's up everybody and welcome back to the anything better podcast with your host paul berzy bill burr and our producer extraordinaire the beverly hills kid andmlis, and you guys are listening to episode 54, the two that come to mind for me, and you know when I do this, Bill knows them all, I know none, the two that come to mind for me are Zach Thomas, who is a middle linebacker of the Dolphins, and I believe Erlacher, who is a middle linebacker for the Bears, and that's all I got. Am I right about those or not? I got to look those up. You know, I had them last week when we were going to do the podcast

before I got busy. The ones that I remember was Goose Gossage for the New York Yankees. Shame on me. Goose Gossage and Randy White, a.k.a. the manster,, half man, half monster playing for the doomsday defense where he was a co-MVP of Super Bowl 12. I want to say the man is the manster is so bad. It's good. Does that make sense? It's so bad that it's great, if that makes any sense. Oh, yeah, here we go. I got it.

No, but that was 1978 when everything's like, he's the doctor. Because he's the mailman because he delivers. He's the doctor because of how he operates. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was all that shit. I just got Brian Urlacher on this. Brian Urlacher, this so brian erlacher okay uh teddy bruski teddy bruski oh my god horace grant oh my who horace grant's another one horace grant about daryl dawkins what what number was he

the man the reason for the collapsible rim, Daryl Dawkins, a.k.a. Chocolate Thunder. These are all old school nicknames. Yeah, I love it. These were cooler than Crazy Leg Johnson. The Iceman because his game was so cold. Is that why? Is that like, there's always an explanation. Because he's so cool or something?

Yeah. I love that shit. Yeah. You said Daryl Dawkins? I think it might be the wrong. Daryl Dawkins. Dawkins? Oh,

I was thinking of Dawkins, the band. It's not the white guy spelling a Daryl either, I believe. Daryl Dawkins number 53 53 oh that was last uh two episodes ago shame on us shame on us yeah listen numbers 54 through 59 are just blue collar hard-hitting defensive players let's be honest oh it's gonna be all lineback what. What about Jack Ham? What number was he? We didn't miss him. Did we?

Lambert was 58. Jack Ham was a yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What was he? And the amount of people that reach out to us saying who we missed. I go, guys, guys, we're doing this on. We got to start doing the honorable mention the next week. Yeah. Jack came was 59. Oh, 59. That's right. That's right. All right. Well, Bill, I'm in a good mood, Bill. I'm in a good mood. Cause you know, I, I went to a physical and the doctor goes like this. They go, you look great. Your blood is perfect. Everything is good. And I think I mentioned this before. She goes, I look, your blood is perfect. Everything is good. And I think I

mentioned this before. She goes, I'm not going to lie though, Paul, last time you were here was the lowest weight you've been. Remember in the summer when you're like, dude, you did it. When I took a picture of my shirt off, hammered on a boat and you had to call me and go, dude, you were drunk during that. Right. And I go, yeah, it was eight drinks in. Well, I let that slip and I put on, I gained back like 13, 15 so i was like i'm done with this shit so i'm back on it and i've already shed and i'm feeling good i want the jawline coming oh bill i'm coming for a summer body i'm coming for a summer body you heard it here first i like that you said that i said you did it like you had your eight pack abs well no you didn't

say but you go dude you fucking i remember you call you but that had your eight pack abs. Well, no, you didn't say, but you go, dude, you fucking, I remember you call you, but that was your way. So this is what Paul Verzi walking back. No, no, no. You did it. It's over. I never said that. No.

What you said was you're looking good. You're on the right track. That that's what I meant to say. Oh, how do you have three different beards right now? What do you mean? You got like, you what do you mean you got like you have a trim skinny one and then you got the lighter one we like you know what i'm gonna add a little more on the sides did you do like a fade yes so my wife bought me this trimmer right i have a i have a trimmer so i'll get the neck but then i have something where when when the long hairs come i

could take it down so yeah and i actually got it faded up to the sides too. So I'm just trying to look clean, man. I like it. I like it. I was just saying, I noticed that there was something a little extra going on with your, uh, but here, this is what I love about Bill. Bill called me up. I don't know if you remember this and, and you know what, rightfully so I got to give you credit because if, if you did the shit that I did, would have called you i'm hammered on a boat hammered and i do this picture where i look i don't know why i was doing it i was just on the boat and i was with my family and i did that stupid like like tough look where like my eyes squinted and i was fucking hammered so bill calls me up probably stone sober no i swear to god that i promise come on dude you think'm going to go on a boat and not drink some fucking hard seltzers?

Dude, I fucking said, Bill goes. Fair enough. The boat's what gets you out of it. But I definitely think stone sober that you would have that look on your face. I've seen some of your headshots, Paul. I see what you're going for. And Bill goes, dude, can you just ask me a question? Were you fucking drunk on that boat where you took this picture and he like texted me the picture and

i burst out laughing yes i was listen sometimes a friend needs to call a friend out you know listen how many people did we see during pandemic where we were like oh dude all right they were going through that yeah paul you watched one too many action movies you saw too many of those movie posters you doing the eyebrows up i was fucking hammered dude by the way dude i'm done with lakes okay i'm not trying to be disrespectful lakes are fucking trash i don't listen i know you may have a nice house on a lake and it's great. It's just the water's gross. It's fucking, there's people there just sitting there drinking their fucking, you'll see like a can of Bud Light float by your fucking pontoon boat.

It's just, I'm an ocean guy. I'm an ocean guy, dude. I'm sorry. Well, you obviously didn't see what the fuck happened in the ocean off of the coast of Australia, did you? Which, what, was that the wave? No. This fucking guy was 10 meters off that's probably like 35 feet off the fucking coast great white came up and just took him what he went down he came back up was missing all his limbs oh fuck these fucking people like oh and he was right there you tell me paul when you swim in a

lake and i like how you think like the lakes are polluted but the ocean isn't there's only a swirl of trash two and a half times the size of fucking texas out there through the ocean dude go fuck there's monsters in there oh my god dude that's not what if tigers could hold their breath and they were and they were in the same body of water you were and you were sitting there with your head above the fucking water you guys who swim in the ocean are out of your fucking minds because it's not just the sharks, okay? It's the currents and all that. Every fucking year, some jackass gets sucked out into the ocean, and they never see him again, and just dies the slowest, most loneliest fucking death.

Probably starts hallucinating after they drink a little salt water. Something comes up to take a nibble to see if you're edible and then you're bleeding and then his friends show up i mean get the fuck out of here with all of that i didn't see that dude that's horrible that that's on camera too i'll tell you what kills these people fucking watch the video unedited i'm not gonna lie to you somebody said to me i watched the blurred out version and i got about fucking 10 seconds in. That was it, dude. I was just like this poor bastard, man. Jesus Christ. Better help everybody. This podcast is sponsored by a better help online therapy. Relationships take work. Oh, don't I know it? A lot of us will drop. A lot of us will drop anything to go help somebody

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mac os android uh linux and ios guys you basically could just go under your couch and find the money that you that's under there you get you got you get you know you can get a free fuck and you get some years in there there you go i i don't know dude like is something do you think honestly this is a serious question man for the show i would love i wish we could fucking interact with people but was mental illness because the the amount of mental illness that i've seen in the last two years with the pandemic and everything where people are really kind of revealing what their issues are i get that but dude like things are going on. Like I sent Bill something, dude, like that, that, and it's, it was all over the news, but like the mental health issues that are seen in New York city and down by the subway and these people getting let out of jails or

institutions or whatever, people getting hit with hammers and this and that. And like, I'm just wondering, like, did that spook people to the point where they, or they lost loved ones where they're just like, fuck the world. Or, or, or is it just more exposed now because there's cameras and there's cell phones and all that shit. In your opinion. No, it's it's because we don't care about those people. That's what it is. It's racism and it's people.

We don't care about those people and everybody's out to get their 50 flat screen TVs because the neighbor has 49, and then they want the cops to fucking go out and babysit all the shit that we leave behind. And, you know, we're too busy running on the wheel to really, truly hold politicians accountable, and they've created this Hatfields and McCoys where you just blame the other side

rather than blaming the people that own those people. And we all just sit there yelling at each other like, you know, most people will look at that stuff. They'll see the sex or the race of the person that did it. And then they just blame that. And they're not looking at these fucking assholes, dude. Like, you know, these guys that are going out and buying these like these hundred million dollar houses they cannot keep on the market in the middle of a fucking pandemic it's like while all of these a lot of those homeless guys do their vets those guys like fucking four years ago were running out onto an nfl field carrying a flag and everybody's like i'm taking me in service and now they're out there on the fucking street dealing with whatever the

fuck they saw over there and then everybody's like get a fucking job you bum or like uh or worse or worse if they're like like you know but dude when i was a kid they used to have like they used to have like you know mental institutions they put people in and they kind of got rid of like i don't know a lot i believe i mean typical me i'm talking out my ass here i'm pretty sure they got rid of most of those so they just kind of just let these people out on the street and a lot of people who are dangerous and then i know in new york you were telling me they have no bail right now and like mr meaner shit well yeah well that that's what i was going to say i definitely agree with what you're saying

but i also think there's an element where there are criminals who need to be put in, kept in jail where these fucking guys, this fucking bail reform. That's not at all what I was just saying. But I agree with the statement you're making. No, before, before, when you first said, when I said, what is that with the mental health thing? And you go, yeah, a lot of these people aren't fucking cared about or taken care of. I agree with that.

But I'm also saying that with that reform thing, you're letting a guy who assaulted somebody at two o'clock in the afternoon, get out at 10 o'clock at night because of that fucking bill. And that guy should just be in jail. And I know when everybody's going to sit there and be like, what are they fucking morons? The fuck are these politicians doing? What? Where the fuck are the cops?

That's what everybody does is none of us do anything to try and help them out that's the thing about that whole defund the police one of the worst things ever named ever was not about not paying them it was about not putting all the ills of society on the them that every thing is their responsibility to go down hey there's a guy down here, you know, obviously a guy with a fucking hammer and shit. You got to bring the cops in. But like, there's all of these problems and they have to deal,

like the homeless problems, these tent cities and all of that. All of us, if we fucking could somehow stop yelling at each other, could at least, I don't know, maybe try to help that shit out. But it's a really weird time here where I'm seeing out in L.A. that they cannot keep $100 million fucking houses. Dude, they get snapped up like they're a starter home. They're getting snapped up. And meanwhile, you're driving by tent city after tent city after tent city.

And it's just like, you know, and if you say, hey, man, this capitalism thing needs to be adjusted nowadays. Everybody just goes, oh, you're a communist. You're a socialist. You want to go pal around and do vodka shots with Vladimir Putin. It just becomes like, oh, yeah, you're that. You're that. Oh, you're that.

You're that. It's stupid. So and I'm guilty of it, too, Paul. What the fuck am I doing to help these people out? Nothing. And I'm going to go like, oh, these these fucking democrats these fucking republicans the fucking cops and blah blah blah clean it all up while i go after my next flat screen tv you made a good point before where it's like how like whatever happened to the insane asylums how come everyone

you hear of now they're all abandoned there's no fucking like there's no places institution mental institutions for these people well it kind of seems like they got rid of everything from that to like extracurricular activities. Like when I was a kid, they had like, it was like cooking classes. There was music class. Like the junior high had a football team. Had a football team and the town paid for the uniform and all this. For some reason now, there's just no money for any of that and um i don't know it's a really uh la's in a really weird thing where it's just like you either have nothing or you're buying

three houses and bulldozing them and building your own giant, like the equivalent of three houses. It's really, it's weird. And I'm talking to myself too. Like, I feel like everybody needs to, you know, help out people. If we just tried to help out people that, that, that, you know, had mental issues and stuff like tried to, I don't know, but how do you do it? Because you look at these fucking charities and I swear to God, eight out out of ten of them the amount of money that they're pocketing versus what they're actually giving you know you know there's some comics were doing that you see those comics they got nothing going on their imdb you know they have no road work and every weekend they're doing a fucking benefit it It's just like, dude, what the fuck?

There was one guy out there every week. It was a new fucking cause. I'm like, wow, this guy cares about everything. Hey, what's next week? I did a little quick research. I'm like, you know, I don't think the victims of that fucking dust bowl are really getting any money here. Oh, dude. That reminds me, though,. Like, I don't know if you, like how you could help. Remember that?

Did I tell that story about me and Josh Adam Myers outside the stand, Josh Adam Myers outside the stand. And he just looked like, he just looked like he needed a friend. He was going through something. So I go, dude, you all right. My S my sets were done. If I told this on another podcast, whatever, but, but whatever my sets were done and he's just like ah dude or you know his voice yeah it's like dude hold on i'll fuck it so we'll sit down i was like before it got cold out i was like we'll go sit down outside of the patio if it was cold out i wouldn't have helped him we're sitting yeah we know we would we went inside and ate like gentlemen if it was cold if it was cold so i'm talking to him

we're having a good talk and this homeless guy comes up and he goes like this he goes hey man i'll meet you i mean me and him were having a you know when you're having a good fucking conversation we were we were in it dude like looking at each other's face like this is what you should do nothing attracts a homeless person in new york like a good conversation with a friend i mean we were in a conversation that was like man it was a fucking great and the guy goes goes, hey, man, I'm sorry, but I just want to interrupt. And we just stopped. And he goes, I just want to say I've been in this sweatshirt for three and a half weeks,

blah, blah, blah. And Josh just goes, Josh is so into the conversation. Josh just goes, yeah, we don't have anything. Oh, you cut out, dude. I can't hear you. Oh, you might cut out. You might cut out dude i can't hear you oh you might cut out you might cut out this is gonna be funny to watch this silent film of him freaking out there you go can you hear us oh we can't see you he's like yes i tell you go fuck

paul unplug the us USB and plug it back in. That's all right. You just plug and plug. All right. There you go. That's all it took. I was going to tell you that a second ago, but Bill wanted to see you freak out. Now we lost you again.

You literally go like, oh, no, it's fucked up again. This is the Anything Better podcast, everybody. Is there anything better than having USB ports that work? This should be like fucking Charlie Chaplin piano music playing right now. How about now? Can you hear me now? Yay, there we go. thing all right so josh adam where the cops when you need one how come a cop didn't go in there and help you with your audio on this podcast

don't even get me started with the politicians see speak i don't do anything to help anybody speaking of interruptions so anyway guy comes up and josh adam myers goes hey man we don't do anything to help anybody. Speaking of interruptions. So anyway, a guy comes up and Josh Adam Myers goes, hey, man, we don't have anything. But to Josh's defense, we were just so locked in this conversation. So me, I was feeling in a fucking mood. That's why I was like, I'll talk to you. Like, I was just in a mood. And I knew I had loose singles.

I had loose bills all over my pants, all over my all over my jeans. Right. I had a couple of singles in one. And then I had a couple big bills in the other. So I say to the guy, hold on a second, and I stand up from my chair like a fucking dickhead, like I'm going to save the day, and I go, hold on a second, let me see what I got here. But I'm realizing as my hands are going in my pockets, I have different denominations of bills. So in my mind, I'm going, come on, man, take the two singles singles take the two so i'm playing like russian roulette with a homeless guy you gotta have the homeless pocket paul i'm playing i'm playing homeless russian roulette so finally i pull out

a fucking bill and it's just a crispy 20 right in front of the guy and he looks at it i look at it josh looks at it and And Justin looks up at me because he's still sitting. Now I'm not one to take a 20 out and put it back. I can't do that to the guy. I'm not built that way. I'm not going to go, Hey, you're not worthy of this. Here's two singles. I'm not, Oh, you have a reputation. I'm just not going to do that. So I just look at him and I go here, man, here's a 20. And then I start sitting down. Like I fucking saved the world. I sat down, like I just handed out turkeys in a fucking low income. You know, like I was bumpy Johnson, fucking American gangster Hannah.

And dude, this motherfucker goes like this hand to God asked Josh. Cause Josh just looked at me. The guy goes, yeah, man, listen, this is kind of not enough for what I need. And dude, we just looked at him. I just tilted my head, like get the fuck. And he just fucking walked away. And it was just like, and I was like, dude, you fucking piece of shit, man. So then of course I was angry. The next time I went on stage, I just said, fuck the homeless and the crowd gasped. But yeah, dude, I get the kid at 20.

I ended after, after that that thing but see it that's what that's what happens though paul it just takes one to fucking the whole thing up i know you know but i haven't said that paul you got to have the singles i know it's like walking into a titty bar walking down the street in manhattan now you got to have your fucking singles yeah like imagine that guy made me fuck. I wanted to make that. Like, you know what? Go get a shirt.

Go get some starbursts and some socks, too. It was starting to sound like New York that I moved to. I remember one time I came out of stand-up New York. I got off the subway running over to stand-up New York. And there was a guy sitting on the sidewalk. He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was just in a good mood because I had a good set. And I reached in.

I had a bunch of change, which nobody has anymore, but believe it or not, change could get you something back in the day. And I put it in his cup, and as I'm walking away, I just hear, fuck you, and then I hear the sound of the change going flying down the sidewalk. He threw it at me. he just wanted more yeah well look you want to get into the why the why of that moment or how he ended up there his fucking childhood and all of that bullshit and then no my my why is my why is why the chain like why was he angry for with the chain he wanted

he wanted singles he was still you know i don't know how cold it was i don't remember the deal but like he did he was hammered he was homeless nobody loved him i mean when i came by and i was you know i gave him a handful of fucking nickels or whatever fuck yeah i mean bill in his defense you could have thrown the guy a little paper i mean what the fuck paul it was the 90s dude a subway token was fucking like 85 cents yeah or something like that a dollar 25 or whatever i came off dude i was running to his spot i reached in my pocket i i know that was back when you tried to get rid of your change yeah so i i dropped it in there i uh i know fuck you paul i was with you with with the with the fucking inflation when you gave the guy a 20 and he says i need a little more

when when i was with you on your homeless story oh oh no i don't leave me hanging hot you don't even know how much change i gave him there was there. Listen, if you gave him 75 cents, I get it. You could get a fucking banana for 25 cents. I bought that guy breakfast for like three days. One of my friends. Oh, my God. Who was it? This this. Oh, my God. It wasn't Jessica Kirsten. It was a female comic friend of mine. I was talking to she gave a homeless guy a sandwich. He goes, are you hungry? And he took it and he goes fuck you i want money yeah well that's a great way to find out if they're using or not that's true yeah that guy wants some booze or whatever but like she gave him a sandwich

thinking oh i'll give you some i'll give you a meal like it was nice and he's like i don't want a fucking meal i want some paper here but um it sucks seeing what's going on man it sucks like it sucks having people that's a good reality show what's that a good reality show the homeless house right whoever wins it's like big brother but in the end you win a house you stick them all in a shelter and you give them a bunch of challenges. Like, don't open this bottle of bourbon. No, how about this? I actually thought of this. I want like years ago, like when that guy, Mark Burnett started doing like the, like the, the, when like reality shows were like the first thing survivor and the other one. So what if you took

homeless guys, you took homeless people and you put them, you gave them each $20,000 or $25,000 each 10 of them. You put them up in a hotel. You got them like seven days of like clean clothes and stuff like that. And then you just watch what they did. And then whoever fucking did like the right thing and like, did it right. Gets a fucking like, you know, get some, I got, I like that. You know, fucking like you know get something i got i like that you know i'll just brainstorm i got one you get a tax deductible if you rescue a homeless guy you convert your shed in your backyard to a place for him to live right i'm not gonna lie you know you put a fence around it you put a fence around yeah i don't want to fucking go intrude on your

fucking kill somebody god forbid the guy's like a fucking has like a flashback of war and he starts shooting no no no i don't mean that dude this family's out there this family's living in cars those are the people like the first people like single moms with kids in a car dude if i have a family in a car fucking one eye open like if there was a way there should be a direct line to get to those people. Who the fuck wouldn't help those people out? They could have that lady singing that sad song that they have for the dogs. Oh, Sarah McLachlan. Dude, if I saw-

In the arms of an angel. Dude, if I saw a family sleeping in a car, I would fuck. I'm not even joking around. If I saw a family sleeping in a fucking car, fuck i'm not even joking around if i saw family sleeping in a fucking car dude i'm putting them up walk right past them and no i would not no i would not i would fucking no there is no god no no no i would fucking there is a killer place to get a slice right around the corner that's exactly what would happen but if you're on a podcast with the camera on no that's not true not true, man. I do, Paul.

Dude, if I saw an eight-year-old girl fucking holding on to her mom crying in a car, you think I'm walking by that? Then you don't know. No, no. You're not a New Yorker if you stop. No, I would fucking get him. I would get him some pizzas and I'd put him in a hotel. That's what I would do. Listen. listen it's easy to say that in a podcast studio with the Giants logo and your picture the TV

thing in the background it's very old poly hero sitting in his basement of his house in the suburbs you know what I would do oh man I would do that man I'd do my little brother did that he got a guy off the street he goes can I get you something to eat the guy goes yeah and he took him out to eat and he goes can I put you up in a hotel and he goes yeah and my brother was like dude the guy just fucking felt so good i would do that man i love to do i would love to do that especially if it's kids i'll be honest i would love to do that too but when you get out there dude that's a it's a different vibe when you're out there because you're like is this the guy with the hammer is this the guy who's gonna smear his own shit in my face, is this the guy with the hammer? Is this the guy who's going to smear his own shit in my face? Or is this the person that's down in their luck?

Yeah. But if he's got kids, like if I saw two adults, I'd be like, oh, I don't know if they're junkies or, but if I saw babies in the car, dude, if I saw a little girl in a car, how do you know it's not a gay homeless guy? What he has to be. What do gay people call us? Breeders.

He's not a breeder. You're not helping him. What do gay people call us? Breeders? If he's not a breeder, you're not helping him? That'd be hilarious if somebody was like that fucked up in the head that they were like, wait, what are you guys doing here? Nah, never mind. I was going to help. But Jesus.

Let's let me figure this situation out here first. What's going on over here? You know, Steve Simone out here is great about, you know, that guy's a fucking saint, dude. Yeah. No, he's not out there. first what's going on over here you know steve simone out here was is great about you know oh that guy's a fucking saint dude yeah no he's not out there we helped out a family one time during the pandemic got him off the streets got him in a hotel and then the dad got the job was fucking great it was great that kid is a fucking saint as good as they come on is a saint i've he's the

closest thing to a saint on earth that I've ever seen. Paul, he is something that you and I could never be. I mean, don't sell yourself short. You're a good kid. You only said that because I brought you down with me. The group that he works with is called Regular Hero. If anybody actually wants to be directed toward a help, it's called Regular Hero is the name of the group that Steve works with.

That's what we are, Paul, you know, just a regular guy doing heroic stuff. I can't help it, you know? I got a question for you, too. These fucking NFL players that get a pension, and I'm not saying they shouldn't get a pension, especially for what they go through, but war heroes are fucking sleeping in Times Square? A guy's fucking, you know what I mean? mean it's like can they get a little fucking the second the uniform is off them dude all of those

patriotic people they they was that's out the window no but like they like looked at as like pedophiles when it comes off they're like get that off you piece of shit guy just fought for the country man it's unbelievable man the lack of fucking respect you know you know when they do like that college fund thing the gi college fund and shit i used to think you were you you you served for four years and they go okay here's your here's your money go to college it's not how it works you have to you have to enroll in college before you get your money dude it's dude i don't know i mean technically they say it's the the it is well this the gi fund i forget somebody uh i know somebody that was in the marines they were telling

me about all of that shit dude it's they're so disrespected it's looked at as hack it's looked at as hack to be like hey man give it up for the truth like it's looked up as like you look oh really you're gonna do it's like yeah you fucking you fucking coward working at a fucking chili's or a tgi friday's you know how much courage it takes to work in a chili's Fridays. You know how much courage it takes to work in a Chili's? Well, maybe dealing with all those fucking cows walking through the door. No matter how much cheese you put on that Chili, it's never enough. How about right now? We all give it up for people that got to work at a fast food fucking chain. I made their fucking minimum goddamn wage you paul you want to fucking sit there smelling chili for fucking eight hours dude i was a server at applebee's and i fucking beat

going to afghanistan i promise i was an animal though dude i fucking dude i we did we had wild times man we had wild times i only fucked with someone i will say this though i don't know can i legally say this 20 years later is there can i say that i fucked with someone's food or i can't well i'd let you know you fucked with somebody's food one time had no choice paul there's always a choice no no not this time you would have you would have knowing you knowing you the way that i know you and seen you when you get upset and when you don't like bullies you might have done more to this guy than fuck with his food. You probably would have grabbed him out of the booth and beat the fuck out of him. Not even.

I think that that's what a gentleman does. You don't silently fuck with their food. I was a kid. I didn't do too much. It wasn't, you know, whatever. But and I could have could not have for the sake of it. Just squat over his chili bowl. And I didn't do anything like that. I could have, could not have for the sake of it. What did you do? Just squat over his chili bowl and admit?

Yeah, I didn't do anything like that. No, no, no, no, like no bodily fluids, anything like that. I wouldn't do anything like that. All right. So bodily fluids is off the table. What'd you put? Rat poison in there? No, I put fucking lie in his coffee, Charlie. Dude, I fuck. Do you want to know the truth? Can I say this, Andrew i fuck you want all the truth can i say this

andrew you could we could edit it if i can't say holy we could go to miami man dude nobody saw popa greenwich village it just fucking kills me nobody gets those references i'm trying i'm trying i went to every fucking streaming service sign up you got to sign up for something. I forget where I finally found it. I got more. Mickey Rourke and that silver fucking Olds 88, Delta 88, or whatever the fuck he is. Andrew, tell me. I see Bill's a good friend. The red leather interior, Paul. Bill's a good friend.

He got me off the subject. He saved me. See, that's the kind of kid I'm dealing with over here. The kid is the closest thing to Sicilian. I didn't do that on purpose, Paul. I was having a moment for myself that i was killing with these fucking popa greenwich village things and i was and i was like you know what really freaked me out and made me feel old what's that i'm working on this project out here in paul out in hollywood there paulie um and one of the people i work with, she's 30 years old. And we were talking about the fucking Super Bowl halftime show.

And I brought up 50 Cent hanging upside down. She goes, yeah, what was that all about? Like, why was he upside down? I'm like, the video. She's like, what video? I go, the music. You don't remember that? She's like, no.

I was just thinking like, oh, yeah, that was almost 20 years ago. And what's funny to me is 50 Cent is hanging upside down with that COVID weight on. And he's looking at the crowd and everybody like your age and over is going like, oh, shit. And the other half of the crowd's like, what the fuck is this guy doing? I didn't like that, man, with the chain in his face. And then you saw when the camera went away, they had to get him down.

And it was like, it's not, it wasn't great. Well, the funny thing is, is I know all those old rappers were backstage going, you're going to hang upside down? Oh, man, that's going to kill. They're going to lose their fucking minds when they see this. Yeah. That's part of getting old. You forget that you're old.

Dude, there are rappers now. Because the old rappers to me was when they said Rakim. Rakim and Cool G Rap and all those guys. That was old to me. But now to my son and all them, they're likeop dog is like who like oh that guy that's on tv like they don't know i didn't know they know snoop snoop's had like that career where he's just stayed out there he went from snoop doggie dog to uncle snoop seamlessly yeah he dude he's going into grandpa snoop like he that guy is just it's it's perfect it. That guy has had a good one. It's like how Derek Jeter did his career, really, to be honest with you.

Yeah, Derek Jeter, speaking of Derek Jeter, he just bowed out of his position as chairman of the Florida Marlins due to differences of like, you know, productive differences or basically he's sitting in the meeting, go fuck this. You guys don't want to win. I'm out. That's basically what he did. That's basically for the first time in his career took like, I feel like legit criticism. That's a completely different gig. It's like when Jordan was with the Charlotte Hornets. For some reason, all time great, with the exception of Larry Bird,

who did really, really good with the Indiana Pacers and got far with them. For some reason, though, other than that, guys that get to that level and start to become head office guys of organizations doesn't really pan out for some reason. And I think I know why. I wasn't going that route. I'm just saying their whole career they did perfectly and you get accolades but the second you start running a team there's no way to do it right

like you have to win like back-to-back championships for them to finally stop giving you shit and act like you know what you're doing and then in the next three years if you're not making the playoffs they're're like, dude, that guy got lucky. Get him the fuck out of there. It's brutal. Yeah. Yeah.

I also think a guy like Jordan goes into the Hornets and is so alpha and has been so successful and winning and being the best that I bet you taking suggestions from somebody that hasn't been in the game was difficult for him in a way. You know, you got some guy looking like me or you walking up to him going, dude, this kid from Gonzaga and Jordan's going like, don't tell me. I bet you a lot of that goes on. I would imagine. Could be wrong. I just think he went to a franchise that was just so bad that it even swallowed Jordan up. Like not even Jordan could keep it afloat. Oh, speaking of which, I got to give you a little shit just because the shit you gave me.

Not give you shit. I mean, I'm not like that, you know. You can give me shit because I'm going to go back to that bodily fluid story at some point in this podcast. Hey, Bill, Bill, I'm reasonable. I'm reasonable. You said to me last time, and I thought it was, I didn't think I was going to have this many people reach out or people reach out. Not that a ton did, but a handful did. When I said that there should be a college class that has like sports and handicapping,

and you were like, dude, that's the dumbest it's actually exists. There's a couple of colleges that do this thing. It's still dumb, Paul. It might still dumb paul it might be dumb but it's out there it's out there and i would have gotten an a in it was my point me and you would have gotten a's in it that that was well you know if they had a fucking you know drink yourself into a stupor class i would have been i would have been given the fucking speech at graduation hey if my grandmother had what did that that show do you understand that that's a fucking class now in college? Handy key. You think the chiefs are going to win by three or the fucking charge is going to cover.

I mean, that's a class. No, I don't. It's not like, it's not a gambling class. It's more of like a sports. It's like, like we were talking about, how did they get that number? You know, but it is like a sports type of class, which, which listen, it would have kept me interested instead of. It's a college. So you can go work at the track.

Well, I'd rather hear that than earthworms. I'd rather hear that than some fucking rock. They discovered that I'm never going to, I don't give a fuck about. Oh yeah. Great Paul. It's just our environment. Why learn about it? When you can fucking learn how to handicap, who's going to win the Sonics or the fucking Clippers. By way isn't it a sin the sonics don't exist it's a sin the sonics don't exist no i think the greater point is the sin is we're acting like dude like nothing's happening like global warming now and the results of it have just become like they talk

about it like we we're not creating it i saw a thing on Harriet Tubman, right? They go, Harriet Tubman, there's a part in Maryland, the Underground Railroad, that it's in danger because of rising sea levels. It's going to be underwater. And at that point, it's like, the ocean is rising. What the fuck are we doing? Where all these people gonna go paul dude miami's gonna be under fucking water and if you tell a fucking fucked up joke as a comedian

that will be the lead story yes that's a good point yeah and people should know that too i don't want to be all fucking lefty louis over here dude but this shit all of these fucking liberals and everybody with their hearts broken about what the fucking russians are doing and they don't just look at that and be like oh is that what invading a country looks like when you're not behind a media wall and they fucking actually show you what happens yeah i just can't believe people that they can watch and they just think like oh but when we do it it's different that's what it looks like it's fucking horrible and it should not be fucking legal it shouldn't be but that'll never be a fucking story but paul if you go down to the

fucking chuckle hut and say something about feminists this has to stop this is just ruining the country it's fucking ridiculous yeah yeah the fact that the world is run by heartless fucking fucking psychos fucking heartless people did you see that ukrainian guy saying goodbye to his daughter just breaking down crying no and i don't i mean it's just fucking horrible that's been going on do we've been doing that for 20 fucking years dude there has to be a better way to solve you i mean listen i know i'm oversimplifying it because they have heartless sociopaths over there too but like i don't know i just don't understand doesn't't somebody in Putin's circle go, dude, the fuck are you doing? Like, let's fucking end this. They're going to,

why didn't somebody do that over here? Somebody should be doing that to Putin. Somebody should be doing that to us too. What the fuck are you doing? You're making the world a miserable place. Yeah. Seeing people get ripped from their families and seeing fucking women and children with guns saying that they're going to defend when they're clearly outnumbered it's fucking it's fucking brutal man for no good reason yeah it's just uh you know it's all uh and now they're going up paul let me tell you something paul there's paul verzi's in russia and in fucking iraq and fucking all of these places, the Ukraine, just regular fucking

people. And they get scooped up into this shit. Well, these psycho cunts don't, they don't have to fucking fight unless they lose, unless they lose. And then they got to go running and then they have a trial and then they get killed. So there is, they do have some skin in the game. running and then they have a trial and then they get killed so there is there they do have some skin in the game but dude how about that ukrainian president being a fucking ex stand-up comedian who became president dude if that guy survives this his ticket sales are through the fucking roof after this shit no i like those guys that were on the island this guy's going on a tour ending that ukrainian island and i don, obviously I don't speak Ukrainian, but the translation was, you know, the Russians were like,

you're surrounded, surrender. And they said, Russian boat, go fuck yourself. And then they killed him, yeah. Well, maybe they took a few with them, who knows? No. That really is the only response. Where it's just like, all right, if I don't do this, you're going to catch me and torture me to death. Or I'm going to have to live under your fucking rule.

And I'm going to fuck. I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that. To know that you're targeted and to know that you 13 guys there are going to get killed and then to just fucking call it in and just go, we're going to tell them to go fuck themselves and then do it is one of the most gangster fucking things ever. Yeah. Ever. Yeah. It's so great. And it was so the right choice. Yeah. And I love how they're going. Yeah. Well, you know, Vladimir Putin,

they're starting to really be concerned with his mental health and this and that. And it's going, it's kind of like, look what he's done. I wish he could be more like Joe Biden. I think they stick him in those sunglasses so you don't see the look of confusion on his face. Joe Biden is doing his first State of the Union tonight. And I go under over how many times he pauses, fucks a word up or forgets what he said between between Trump complimenting himself and Biden losing his place. That's the greatest drinking game of all time, of all time. I got to be honest, like I agree with you when you say there should be an age limit on running for president. Thirty five to sixty five, dude. After sixty after 65 you just can't do it man you

just i mean we got a guy running our country right now who probably shouldn't have a driver's license yes dude i've seen my grandmother had dementia hey mr president can you go down to costco and get us one of those big boxes of Cheerios? If I can call you up, you'd be lost on the way back. I said, Mr. President, North Korea is on the phone. He goes, I'm resting my eyes. Call him back. That sounded important.

Andrew, Andrew, what were you going to say about that? Were you going to say something about the Ukraine thing or no? No, all I was going to say is to Bill's point, there was a there was a newscaster who was coming under fire because he said he was talking about Ukraine and the people, you know, the city being invaded. And he said, and keep in mind, these are mostly civilized people. He said, this is not like Afghanistan or Iraq. And people are like, I don't understand what you just said. And then somebody else actually somebody else actually said the same thing. These are normal people. That's what he said.

These are normal people. They're white. Yeah. They're civilized. This isn't like over there. Oh, dude, that's brutal, dude. No, that's everything. That's everything.

That's right down to how you look down your nose at New Jersey. And you don't realize they're you and you're them that's a fair that's fair um no dude they were saying that like putin's got like 18 19 year old kids who don't want to be doing this shit and they like caught kids like on their phone on like tiktok and shit they were saying like these kids they don't want to be there their fucking parents don't want them there it's fucking brutal man listen that's all propaganda paul they're gonna pick this guy apart and say that they don't want to fucking blah blah blah blah and all it's all you just you got to get out of that noise and just get to the bigger fucking subject that that you know

i think regular people i mean this is such fucking hippie shit that i'm saying that people have been saying forever there's no way to get it. Everybody should just quit the military around the world. That's it. It's done. We're not doing this anymore. You fucking lunatics. You go sit down and solve your fucking problems another way. Dude, there is no fucking world where you should watch somebody of any nationality, any race, have to say goodbye to their kids because two rich people are having a fucking

temper tantrum with each other and have decided to have a fucking war it's just it's it's ridiculous but you know there are there is also like there's there's that other thing where it's like you know there's the way you wish the world was and the way it is and um i um, I don't know. I think that, but I, I really think that God, um, designed us to, um, to be this way so that there would be an end. I really believe that. Wow. Because when you look at how perfect nature is, when scientists really, all of these fucking atheist guys they really get into and they start looking at the universe and there was something mathematically about the number three assumption i was watching this thing one time fractal geometry it was so

fucking mind-blowing and it was so perfect that they were like wait there has to be something beyond this all right and i just feel like you know i think that god makes he just creates and then he gets sick of it after a while then it dies off and then he makes something else and i think him shaking up the action sketch is he sends an asteroid at the fucking, you know, at all of these Earths that he made and out in the solar system. Ah, you know, let's erase this canvas and let's fucking start over again. I actually think water is the toxic waste

of the last people who polluted the planet and then couldn't live here anymore. And then we crawled out of it and we think that we're beautiful, but we're a bunch of mutants. I'm going deep here, Paul. And all of this is based on nothing. All right, guys. This has been Anything Better podcast. We will see you guys next week. Check out Bill Burr's Monday Morning Podcast, The Burzy Effect. Check out my schedule. I'm going to, oh, Austin, Texas, Vulcan Gas Company this Friday, March 4th, two shows, March 5th.

I'm going down, down, down to fucking Macon, Georgia. And I'm working with Verzi and fucking Joe Bartnik. Then we're going to the Masters. Oh, yeah. Yep. We're going to the Masters. We're doing shows together. Oh, it's going to be a reunion to fucking.

Paul, I'm going to tell you right now. I hope you can smoke a going to the Masters. We're doing shows together. Oh, it's going to be a reunion to fucking read about. Paul, I'm going to tell you right now. I hope you can smoke a stick at the Masters. It's going to be a reunion like you fucking read about. If you're in Austin this weekend, I'll see you there for all other dates like Tampa, San Diego, Buffalo, Rhode Island. Go to paulverzi.com. Paul's been everywhere, man. I'm going to just keep doing John Cash.

I've been to Arizona, California, fucking Oklahoma. We will be back on AP episode 55 next time. See you guys then. Take care. See you later. Thank you. you