Anything Better? - Like We Made A Land Deal

Episode Date: March 4, 2023

Is there Anything Better than Bill & Paul talking about the plight of man?

what's up everybody and welcome back to the anything better podcast with your host myself paul verzi over here bill burr over there, the Beverly Hills kid, the Greek freak, Andrew Themlis sitting there with a thick head of full hair, that motherfucker. You guys are listening to episode 75. Listen, 75 is a big one. We got to have some good ones with 75, right? 75? Yes, we do. Mean Joe Green. Oh, that's a big one. The man who turned that franchise around. I don't know where you go from there, Paul. Mean Joe's a good one.

That's the only one I got. I started at Mean Joe Green, and I stopped at Mean Joe Green. No, we got some more of them. Deacon Jones. Oh, shit. I didn't see that. I didn't look at the thing. Deacon Jones, part of the fearsome foursome with Lamar Lundy, Merlin Olsen, and Rosie Greer. Am I right? Yep. We got, I got a list here.

Gino Marchetti, Winston Hill, Howie Long. Oh, Howie Long's a great one. Jonathan Ogden and Forrest Gregg were the ones we got from the NFL. Forrest Gregg's a great one. Jonathan Ogden and Forrest Gregg were the ones we got from the NFL. Forrest Gregg's a great one. And Major League Baseball pitcher, the retired Barry Zito, who was with the Oakland A's and I believe the San Francisco Giants. 75, weird number for a picture, but I like this number. This is a good one.

He also won a Cy Young, right? Barry Zito. He also won a Cy Young, right? Barry Zito. He might have. I remember I went to old new Yankee Stadium, the second version of the house that Ruth built, and it was Roger Clemens versus Barry Zito, and they called it Cy Young versus Cy Old.

Did he win one? He did, yeah, 0-2. Nice, Bill. That's 20-something years ago. All right, I got one for you. If I do my math correctly, that's coming up on 21 years ago. I got a question for you because we've talked about the greatest ballparks

like where the Pittsburgh Pirates play, which I love. I also heard where the San Francisco Giants play is great. Fantastic. I think Yankee Stadium and Fenway Park are just absolute staples. What are the worst baseball fields?

I mean, I got to be honest. I wouldn't say Yankee Stadium is an absolute staple, Paul. It's too new. It's too new. There's not enough history. I still can't believe you guys fucking tore down the other one. I still can't believe that.

I don't know why they just didn't renovate it. You know. I mean, all of that history. Yeah. I mean, it's the fucking history of baseball. They turned it into a parking lot and then built that cheesecake factory with the guy behind the glass cutting his steak. Balls flying out of there like fucking wiffle ball. Dude, I got to tell you something, man.

The first Yankee Stadium with Babe Ruth was iconic. Yeah. The second one, dude, was mean. That was a mean stadium to go into as an opponent. That was during New York when it was fucking bankrupt. Somebody threw a knife down at somebody one time. I'll give you that. I'll give you that.

Dude, the summer of Sam, Reggie, three bombs, the fucking Red Sox choking away that game six in 0-3. I mean, dude, that place and how

there was a sound in that ballpark dude, that I hate to say this, I miss it. When MLB would mic up that crowd extra during the playoffs. Like I didn't even, I could have my back to the TV. I would know that it was Yankee stadium. I have to agree with all of that. And it's kind of sad hearing you say that because you're absolutely right.

And I was at those games. I was at all those games dude 2000 against the mets game one of the world series i was there when dave justice hit a second decker to go to the world series against the mets when everybody in the stadium knew the mets had clinched that night three run shot okay because edgar martinez hit a home run to put them up two in the eighth and we get up in the bottom of the eighth and dave justice hit a home run to put them up to in the eighth. And we get up in the bottom of the eighth and Dave justice hit a three run bomb dude.

And the fucking place erupted. And then Mariano came out to Sandman by Metallica. And dude, it was not, I'll be honest. I like the way the aesthetics of the new one looked, the replica of the 23, but it's not the same inside.

You're right. I agree with that. I like that. They brought that whole facade thing going around the inside, look, the replica of the 23, but it's not the same inside. I agree with that. I like that they brought that whole facade thing going around the inside, but like they had it on the original one. But, dude, that other one, man, that place was fucking mean. That was a hostile, hostile fucking place to go into.

Dude, my stomach used to get nuts when we with every game was big and you'd be in the yankee stadium like all these motherfuckers here comes that 1918 chant come on guys one time let's fucking beat these assholes um i got one for you though new park what what are the rough ones oh oakland oakland and tampa those are rough ones i'll tell you my theory on oakland why historically they've had so many great pitchers aside from obviously they know what they're doing uh drafting or whatever the amount of foul territory in that stadium where the ball is still in play. Yeah. I always felt like it's got to give them an extra out or two per game,

which can save your fucking ERA. I don't want to get all analytics here, Paul. Dude, that's right. They could have built one where it's like a guy doesn't have to run 50 yards to still make a catch. You're a hundred percent right. No, no, but I'm saying if, if in another ballpark, that foul ball goes into the stands and that hitter is still alive in Oakland, you get the out. Right? No, no. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying, man. Like Fenway doesn't have to work. Fenway does it. Oh, watch me. I'm saying. That's what I'm saying, man. Like Fenway doesn't have. Oh, I didn't think you were. Fenway doesn't.

Watch me. You watch me. You watch me. That's the greatest line. That was the greatest line ever. Yeah, but dude, you're not going to be one of these guys that does that. No, you watch me. Sorry, we're doing an inside joke here.

Inside joke. I just said something to bill like yeah you're not gonna you watch me paul yeah dude i want fuck it i lost yeah bill you're not gonna do that why would you do that that doesn't make any sense you're not gonna do that oh you watch me you watch me paul oh i've been doing shit that makes no sense my entire fucking life oh my god dude um yeah so dude you know you're getting older when you get shit cut off your eye stacy goes there's something on the corner of your eye and i go what and i looked at it and i had something i don't know what it was like a skin thing so i went there can i just for the human race thank you for taking care of that the amount of people that just don't take care of

their fucking head and we got to sit there looking at skin tags on their neck and shit coming out of their eye and fucking molds it molds it this isn't like a fairy tale you don't live under a fucking bridge get it taken care of dude there's a guy at a deli he's got like a knot on his fucking thing dude he's making me a tuna sandwich like i'm not eating here i'm fucking sick that's over get that shit lanced off your fucking head dude it's it's disgusting dude how do you talk to somebody serious i got someone hanging off their fucking he's talking to you about his kids yeah dude i have a guy on my paper route i had a guy on a paper route he had a boil from like the 1700s he looked like he just fucking came out of the spanish inquisition and it just kept getting bigger

and bigger over the years and then one day i showed up and it was gone he walked around dude i'm telling like like you could have gone like this with it and gone in like fucking two inches. It made your eyes water. And he would come up. Hey, little fella. It's fucking. He was growing a kidney off the side of his fucking face. Disgusting. So thank you for getting it lanced.

Underrated, Paul. Yeah. Getting shit like that lanced so the rest of the world doesn't have to look at it you can feel better about yourself well yeah no i just had something in the corner of my face and it was funny too because she walked in i'm not gonna lie she reckoned she knew who i was so the the nurse get the doctor and she goes oh paul verzi she goes yeah i heard that in con you're a comedian right i go yeah and i go that's kind of why i'm here and she goes what i go yeah man i can't have this shit on my face you gotta take that off no you got it you gotta you gotta handle that shit yeah it's uh you know i'm not really you know we've talked about that i'm not good with people

that like drool and shit when i eat i can't see that shit dude when i eat it ruins my fucking lunch dude you know it's just like i'm glad you made that point, Paul, because I love when there's some strange guy's drooling while I'm eating. It actually increases my appetite. You know, I think I will get an appetizer as long as that guy's still sitting there drooling. Hey, you know,

guys picking their nose and then handling my food, you know, I'm not good with that shit. Oh, shit. Dude, I had not good with that shit. Oh shit, dude. I had something hilarious happened yesterday. I had this Italian kid, uh, this kid who kind of like blew up on the internet.

Anthony Rodia, funny guy. I was going to say Anthony. I was just going to guess Anthony. Anthony. Yeah. Or D and you guys love that fucking name. The way we love Patrick.

No, not my family though. That's why my family went Christian. You guys, that fucking name the way we love Patrick. No, not my family, though. That's why my family went Christian and Paul. I'm saying Italians. You guys, that fucking... That's the name Paul is never going away. You know, all the Bob Bills, fucking David, and all those names have gone away for Trevors

and all of this shit. But Anthony, Anthony's gonna... I think that's got staying power. He comes to the he comes on the podcast and I'm eating a fuck it I was starving and I'm eating a bag I'm eating a bagel and it um I had a bagel I had bacon on it whatever and I'm just biting it I go dude I'm sorry I go and he goes to shake my hand and I just go I go ah no dude i got some i got some grease and shit on it dude and i kind of went like this and he goes dude i don't give a fuck he goes what do you think because i fucking like dude he just could give a shit dude i had like everything bagel shit on my hands

fucking grease and he just shook it he goes what do you think he goes i fucking love bread which didn't even make sense. He just didn't give a fuck. That is really fucking funny. But, oh, Bill, I wanted to tell a story on the show about my daughter's championship basketball team. But there's people that game. There's people that listen to this. There's people that listen to this. But I will tell you something funny. i talked to jim florentine who coached his son's team and he goes

like this he goes i'm seeing him at the i see him at the stand i go yeah dude you know i was assistant coach my daughter's team we were nine and one we went in the championship this and that happened whatever right he's just like yeah he goes he goes dude he goes same thing he goes it's like this he goes he uh he goes i like the guy i like the other coach and we had a few seconds to get down and shoot a basket and he said like what the other coach did and he was like oh really come on man you can't and like and i was like dude we both fucking we both got no it's unreal dude it's unreal the level that like uh that parents go like you really see like you can't believe like how many people will just fucking become something else yes like you know the big thing i've been watching lately is

is people like hitting runs on people riding bicycles and it's just like the amount of people that if they just fucking hits like they don't commit any crime in their fucking lives they pay their taxes all of a sudden they hit somebody on a bicycle and they fucking take off like jesse james like they robbed a bank first of all like it's not going to be filmed but like just the thought of being like oh my god I'm going to get sued. My insurance is going to go up and they just leave someone to potentially that like die in the road. It just fascinates me. Like the amount of people that think they're good people and they don't

realize they're a piece of shit. They just haven't been presented with the opportunity to expose that side of themselves. And I think a lot of that is when your kids get into sports and you start giving a fuck. Yeah. To a point that you're going to fix a game or like, you know, when I was, you know, 30 years ago, a buddy of mine started coaching Little League and there was a guy that was winning the championship every year and he used to run the draft, and he would stack his fucking team just so he could go to work and act like he was this Little League Joe Torre. Or like, yeah, me and Joe Torre, we share something in common. You know, like, I know what that's like, what he's going through to be managing a dynasty.

You see how he's keeping his cool. I do that with my nine year olds. Like, like, like that level of shit. Yeah. And you said something to me a long time ago, which I actually still, I took, and I think it's perfect. And I took it from you. No, what you said was, said to you dude when that guy

got that power i go when that guy got that power and money he changed and you go no he didn't you go the power and the money made the guy be the guy that he is and i've seen that where it's like i know people that have been broke and become millionaires and then i know people that have been broke and become millionaires. And then I know people that have, you know, the opposite and they just never would change. They never change because who they are is that these people, there are pieces of shit amongst us that show up to a holiday party with a glass of wine and go, and everybody thinks they're great. And it's like until that person gets in a situation, you don't know if they're a piece of shit or not. Yeah, you have, they have to, you don't know if they're a piece of shit or not. Yeah. You have to see them when they have the opportunity to be a piece of shit. Then that's the only way you're ever going to know. Hey, Bill, you know any comedians that if they had a show,

they'd become a nightmare? Oh, there's a couple of rough ones. oh there's a couple of rough ones i actually i don't think i don't think that that happens as much as it used to because i don't even think if you have a tv show it's even special anymore there's just so many fucking shows and uh where it was like back in the day like like i remember that like if somebody like walked into like the laugh factory the star of a sitcom you sensed they were there like there was an energy shift like you know oh fucking you know whoever the fuck is here you know it was always like the first name of the comic. Eddie's here from Eddie's on NBC,

right? Eddie's place. And, um, you could just feel the whole vibe of it. I remember, and I would just totally watch them really intently when they were on stage thinking like,

man, they're on fucking TV. They have a hit TV show. That's like in their third season. They got to go another season and a half. This is going to go into syndication and then never going to have to fucking work again. They're going to just have tens of millions of dollars falling on them every year as they continue to do stand updates. All of that shit is gone.

So, now it's just like, you know, the money's not the same, the fame isn't the same, the power isn't the same. So, it's kind of all leveled out. So, all right, everybody, it's Talkify.

Are you having a hard time meeting great people to date? Why? Why do you keep trying the same methods over and over? If you know you're set up to fail, it's time to say goodbye to swiping and bring back the human touch to dating with Talkify. Talkify. Talkify. Talkify. Talkify? Andrew? Talkify. Talkify is the country's number one modern matchmaking service that is designed to help you achieve relationship success. They're trusted, compatible. Dude, speaking of which, why do farmers have such a hard time meeting women? Is it because they're out on that giant piece of property? There's a lot of stuff out there for farmers.

You notice that? Yeah, dude. Farmers only? Farmers only. All the people that live in the middle of nowhere. What about that guy cooking meth who wants to find love? They're trusted compatibility specialists, hands-select, successful, and compelling candidates, Paul. So you can date.

How about somebody chill? I don't want somebody compelling. That sounds too dramatic for my world. So you can date consciously and productively. Here's how it works. The talkify matchmakers meet you to learn about what you're looking for in a partner. Hey, someone to make me a sandwich and shut a yap every once in a while. That would be compelling to me, Paul. Then they'll, I'm kidding. Every woman is a warrior and everything they have to say is important. Then they'll select and screen. Then they'll select and screen potential match candidates for you. Doing background checks. Background checks, Paul. That never works out good for a guy.

Some women always pass with flying colors. Video interviews and asking the tough questions that are too awkward for first dates. Are you divorced? What would be the tough question? So are we going to hook up here? What? From there, your matchmaker plans your date introduction and handles all communications for you, creating a safe and stress-free dating experience. Talkaphy is committed to finding your match 80 of clients paul met their person within the first 12 matches i mean they're crushing it over there don't let an old jaded curmudgeon like me you know my problem is paul there was no talk of fee when i was young it's talk of five talk of five everybody don't end up like me. Use Talkify. You'll be able to find love

and be able to read out loud. And right now, Talkify is offering our listeners 20% off. You get a 20% discount on finding true love when you become a client at Talkify.com slash better. T-A-W-K-I-F-Y.com slash better. For 20% off when you become a client. Talkify.com slash better. All right, everybody. It's Rocket Money. The average person around 12 paid subscribers. Wait, what?

Has. You missed has. That was a big word in that sentence fault all right everybody it's rocket money sorry i just had surgery on my fucking eyelid um rocket money everybody your eyelid yeah they i got they literally gave me anesthesia the acl of it that makes it open and close i'm out yeah it's hilarious you gave you gave too many side eyes you aggravated it no you have too many rolling my eyes at my wife oh yeah all right uh all right it's rocket money everybody the average person has around uh 12 paid subscriptions think Think about that. If you think your only subscription has a handful

of services, you might want to double check. With Rocket Money, you can quickly identify and cancel all of your unwanted subscriptions. Rocket Money, formerly known as Truebill, is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills all in one place. Hey, I could use that. Over 80% of people have subscriptions they forgot about, like that streaming service you bought to watch one show on or that free trial you never even used.

Rocket Money will quickly and easily identify subscriptions for you. You can stop paying for the ones you don't want. Simply find the subscription you don't want and press cancel and rocket money will cancel it for you. No long hold times with customer service or tedious emailing back and forth. Rocket Money makes canceling subscriptions as easy as a click of a button. Over 3 million people have used Rocket Money, saving an average person up to $720 a year, which is a lot of money, man, especially,

especially these days. Stop throwing your money away, cancel unwanted subscriptions and manage your expenses the easy way by going to rocket money.com slash better. That's rocket money.com slash better rocket money.com slash better B E T T E R. Yeah. And you also can't mistreat people you also can't mistreat people that much anymore because i i had not true not true not no you can't mistreat women well i was on the show you can do whatever the fuck you want to a guy especially if you're a woman and it's like you're not gonna say to say it because this, the, the, the thing is so like this, where it's just gonna, if you're going to start bitching uphill, it's, it's not going to, uh, it's, it's hilarious, Paul. It's almost like what they were dealing with, they have become. So that's the thing that I enjoy watching this whole thing where all of these years,

you know, this theory that if women ran the world, there'd be no war and that they were these higher beings. And you're finding the exact same scenario happens, I feel, with women, where it's like the women you wish were in power that are good people don't want power and don't want to tell people what to do but there's something about power that attracts psychos regardless of genitalia and that has been my experience yeah um where you know it's like that that shit abuse abusive power runs both ways. But like, you know, when a woman does it to you, all you do is you tell your guide friend, and they always say, you should say something.

You're like, what the fuck's going to happen then? Everyone's going to either laugh at me or she'll flip it and I'll get in more trouble. So I wouldn't say. By the way, I hate that approach by men I really hate that hold on the other thing that I was saying though real quick and I'm going to go back to that

but when I was on like listen you've been on a lot more sets than me but when I've been on a couple lately it's been like is everybody okay are you treated okay like it just felt like there was a maybe something happened with that crew but there was just like is everybody like is everybody

happy is everybody good is anybody oh sure we'll do this where i heard back in the i heard back in the day a star could be like what the fuck is he doing get him off my set where it's like crazy abusive um right you know some makeup some makeup artists have told me like oh there's been some you know but um what is this i don't like this thing where a man goes yeah man that woman fucking that woman abused me whether verbally or physically but i ain't saying okay first of all i immediately want to laugh when i hear that because that's all we do dude is we just laugh at each other but that's a problem dude you could be abused dude i mean is it paul at the end of the day paul aren't you happier that you're us the simple things like just being dumber than they are and just being simple

you can actually attain happiness i would never want the thunder and lightning of emotions or whatever the fuck is going through their head i would just rather be like uh all right football's over do we got much madness you know we got much it's so true yeah uh i said dude don't do this to your wife i said this to my wife oh boy i just go she was just having an emotional thing at the top of the stairs and i was bringing in groceries and she was going through something i just go you going through something are you going through something and uh yeah she just it was not it you know, I was just like, and I literally go. You can say that to you, though, and then you'd have to man up and grow the fuck up.

Oh, always, always. You go, oh. I mean, listen, I'm free game. We're free game. Anything you want, have at it, sweetheart. Paul, when it comes to us, it's all on the table. There's nothing off limits. Nothing off limits.

Your behavior, your family, shit you did 20 years, it's all on the table. Now, listen, I'm not going to lie to you. I tried that shit with my wife, and she'll just go like, that was 15 years ago. You're still talking about that? And then it's off the table. Yeah. years ago you're still talking about that and then it's off the table yeah i somehow like you know you know there's no statute of limitations with murder that's like anything

a guy did in a marriage it never runs out here's what they do too i'll go hey my brother i'm just using an example hey my brother's coming by later. My brother's going to come by later and hang out, maybe stay for dinner. And all of a sudden the head tilt, like the dog, you know, when a dog does, when a dog, the fucking head tilt. And then she goes, oh, because I didn't know what we were going to. And then all of a sudden, but then you come home. Oh, my mom's coming for dinner, might sleep over. And it's like, oh, fuck my night. What did I want to do?

What did I want to do? I wanted to take you guys out to a movie. But that's not happening. Let's go. You know, it's one side. And what can you do? I know, Paul, but at the end of the day, I'd rather be dumb and happy. I really would.

I think when you get married there should be two priests I think the man should have a second priest walk in dude the man should just have another guy come in and have him fucking go alright listen we got all that out of the way but here's some ground rules

Paul let me ask you this since this whole shit you know and since like 2015 as much as things have changed and how many more opportunities women have gotten and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and all that shit. Overall, have you seen any increment of their happiness going up? No.

Feels the same no and i listen dude you couldn't pay me enough to live that fucking experience i am i personally am a way happier person through but i mean it wasn't through any of that bullshit it was through like you know taking mushrooms and figuring myself out and going to therapy. Way happier person, way fucking happier person. And, and I, I don't know that, um, I, I, you know, I don't, I think I'm just too dumb to, to figure out what, I don't know what it is, Paul, you know, just, just, you just go for a walk.

Or meditate. Yeah. Meditate or just sit there and ride it walk. Or meditate, yeah. Meditate or just sit there and ride it out. You know? Look, I'm not going to lie to you, dude. I'm not an easy person to fucking be with. No, you? No, you're a cakewalk. No, but I know, right?

But I will say this, too. If we were playing like a video game, she has all the weapons, I feel. Oh, she's got the cheat code. Yeah, she's got the Grand Theft Auto where she's defeating the army. And I'm still riding around in that fucking, what was it, that car with the flames on it. No, dude. They, listen, it is what it is with them. It's, dude, Chris Rock's joke, dude. They, listen, it is what it is with them. It's dude, Chris Rock's joke, man.

He goes, you could think you could fuck them with a big diamond dick. Why did you make me come so hard? No, I will tell you this. So my wife all of a sudden has turned like this corner and she'll be like, yeah, you're right. I do do that. And you know what's funny? Whenever she does that, dude, I shake her hand like we made a land deal i go thank you i go that's all i'm looking for and you're right i was an asshole oh that's fucking great that that's big dude if your wife is going, hey, dude, you're right. You got me on that. That's a fucking dude. That's healthy.

And this is the thing. I'm not even saying go work on it. I'm just saying acknowledge it. I don't get that. I've never got that. That's enough for me. It's like I'm not expecting you to fix that in 30 minutes like the episode of a sitcom. Even if you decide to fix that, that's going to be at least 18 months to the rest of your life paul i've been trying to not flip out and have a temper for fucking 34 years i have moved the rock about one foot yo the handshake every day paul dude the handshake afterwards is one of the handshake afterwards is one of it's almost the only thing you could do that makes that funnier is if you button your jacket and then do it like

you're in a lawyer's office it's dude a land a land deal maybe one of the funniest things i've ever i just picture her saying that and you just going, button in your jacket. Okay. Yeah, Bill has a tie with like a button down shirt with short sleeves. No, I can tell you, I did it. We were sitting at a restaurant bar and we did it in my car. Oh, dude. And she just took my hand and I shook it. It was a firm handshake too. Like, all right, this guy's on the level.

Like you closed on a house. It's so great. Yeah. We'll drop the paperwork tomorrow, but we have a verbal agreement here. This is not an attack on my wife, but I could count on one hand how many times my wife goes, Paul, dude, you know what, man? That shit, that's on me. I was wrong.

Literally, I mean, listen. And granted, she's not, I'm wrong a lot. But, you know, you got to give that sometimes. You really want your wife talking to you like you committed a foul in basketball? That's on me, man. I would. No, and listen, think, too, because they're always trying to make the relationship better. It's like if they would just do that every fucking once in a while.

Oh, dude, that is so. All right. It's 8 a.m you got three quick ones you got to go to the bench you got to get your mind right we'll bring you back late second quarter uh all right bill i got one for you are you or would you ever your son or daughter says and I know you got a busy schedule. We all do, right? But what happens if your son or daughter says, Daddy, I'm doing fifth grade soccer, and the school asked if you could volunteer and be either a coach or an assistant coach

because they're short, and I'd really love for you to be there with me on Saturday mornings. Does Bill Burr take the fucking clipboard and whistle? You'd have to, right? Yeah, but I would clear it with my wife. So she could give me this speech like, okay, now you're not going to yell at the kids on the other team, right?

You're not going to embarrass the family. Which, by the way, is all warranted. Yeah, I mean, yeah, but you're good with kids you wouldn't yell you'd probably look over at the coach and give a dirty look like you're gonna let the kid do that you know right oh if i went through some shit like you and florentine went through like some donahue shit i would definitely uh yeah that would be a problem i think my i think i think Nia would have a problem my problem would probably be like I don't think Nia would

Nia goes in dude dude that was like and we were Joe DeRosa mentioned this the other day and the other one another couple comics Sal mentioned this I can't say names but I'll just tell you this my wife and your wife are similar this way and and uh some guy says paul why don't you rescue i said we're gonna wait to get another dog we're gonna he's if they listen he's gonna

know who it is but i don't want to mention names he goes why don't you you know where's like yeah maybe when the cat dies we might get another dog and he goes dude you should rescue you know it's an know, it's an amazing dog. It's Doberman Pinscher. And the guy knows a lot about things. There's a Doberman rescue. So Stacy says something and he just goes, dude, and we're at a, we're at a wedding. We're at a wedding after party and everyone's there. And all comics we know are there. Dude, DeRosa was there, dude. He was stuck. And dude, he just looked at my wife and he goes, you're not going decisions are you dude she just goes she goes hey hey don't ever fucking talk to me like that again you don't know me to talk to me like that you don't know don't ever fucking talk dude dude i went like this dude i would buy that on dvd just to watch her do that dude every comic every comic just goes dude i was

so fucking floored that i i like just inadvertently i go does anybody need a drink i walked away i just don't you hate that you had to say that you had to like make it less awkward let that guy sit in it she's 100 right dude his fucking i saw that dude his face drop comics to this day go dude when your wife now all he is is nice to my wife like hey how's your wife tell your wife dude i was on a podcast with derosa and salva cano and derosa goes dude i knew the type of woman you need a man needs to be with when i saw he goes to when your wife did that he brought it up dude like a year later she just goes don't you ever fucking talk to me like that again you don't know dude it was like one in the morning everyone's drinking it my wife was sober it was epic dude it was fucking but i'm not gonna lie

to you i was so uncomfortable because you know i'm not good with that that i just walked away to the bar i just go i know that feeling that's my classic nick dipolo story i haven't told you i must have told this one on the podcast dude Dude, I was standing in an elevator, me and Nick, back when I was drinking, right? We were doing this fucking Just for Laughs tour in America. It sells out in Canada. The brand wasn't what it needed to be in America, so we were playing to half-filled houses. And it was just one of those tours you're excited to do, and then it doesn't pan out. So we're just fucking drinking at the bar.

So we go to get in the elevator me and nick get on and then this other guy gets on and he just looks over nick he goes uh yeah four oh god the thing like the and nick just looks at him he goes because what do i fucking work for you and then the guy does like an uncomfortable laugh and nick just stares at him and then the guy had to like walk over to where nick was and uncomfortably reach oh my god and then the doors closed and it was so uncomfortably silent i i went like yeah hey so it's a good show tonight i just started a conversation I hate it we should have just I should have let that guy sit in the shame

of what he did yeah but you're not built like that me neither because I have a disease and it's a need to be liked it's a terrible thing to have it's a terrible fucking thing to have you don't think you felt for him though

no no thing to have. You don't think you felt for him, though? No. No. Paul, would you ever walk on a fucking elevator and go, yeah, four? No. No. And Paul, okay, you're Sicilian fucking blood here.

Yeah. Okay? Reading that moment in that guy. is that the kind of guy you want to hang out with that guy's a good guy no no yeah exactly nick gave him exactly what the fuck he deserved and i i took a little of the fucking i took a little mustard off the fastball it's it's dude when she said don't ever fucking talk to me like that again. The party stopped, dude. And it was, I dude, I don't know what to do. I wanted to crawl out of my skin.

It was like a, it was like a Bartnick moment when he said to the woman, I don't like your shoes. When she was online, she called him out. I walked offline. I just started looking at something. I just walked away. You know, I'm not, I'm not good in that. I'm not good in that fucking moment, man.

Bartnick is the king of the showstoppers. Oh, yeah. I can't even repeat the top three that I'm thinking of. I can't even say on the podcast. And he was right. Every single one of them. Yeah. They were fucking.

He did one at the airport where the lady was getting her tray. But Joe does move at his pace. So the lady kind of like was like, and she took her tray of the airport. And like, you know, he was taking his time. He puts his hat on, you know, and she walked around him and he just looked at her. And like, she kind of, he just goes, I hate impatient people. And she at loud. And she was just like, and like, kind of he just goes i hate impatient people and she at loud and she was just like and like you know but dude he you know he was he was right i don't know about that one we're going through airport security hurry the fuck up i can't go with joe and now i'll go with

joe in 99 everybody's wrong every once everybody heard everybody's wrong every once in a while you know i went on the elevator yesterday to do my podcast and the guy goes what number i swear to this the nick thing reminds me dude i fucking bombed in an elevator but the guy was a dick he goes what number i go six and he goes okay he goes i'm playing elevator guy did it but he was like being like he was in a good mood so then i go when he goes oh i'm playing elevator operator i go yeah they should be paying you and he just he goes dude it got i mean it got nothing dude and i just it just it wasn't like a joke joke but i just i thought i was gonna keep the fun going when he just did it and it didn't work oh dude you want to you want to talk about something fucking embarrassing i fucking uh was going back and forth with somebody on instagram that i'm a fan of and they hit me up going hey man i'd love to be on your podcast and

dot dot dot all of this shit and i'm like oh my god that'd be fucking great this guy'd be a great guest or whatever i end up randomly running into him in la and i'm like hey man and he had no fucking idea who i was or what i was talking about and in that moment i realized somebody else ran his instagram account and i'm sitting there oh hey so we're gonna do that thing with the data data and the guy's just gone, yeah, yeah. All right. Okay. Dude, I wanted to jump out the window and run into traffic. Oh, my God. Dude, embarrassing moments like that. Dude, I had one at the stand.

I had one at the stand. So when I go to the stand now, a lot of- Oh, my God, Paul. I'm going to tell my- I got another one. Go ahead. Okay. No, no.

So, you know i'm not trying to toot my horn now but i get i get recognized a little more and when i'm at the stand a lot of people like dude we came here we saw you on the lineup dude love you right hey dude you mind if i get a picture so i'm eating and i'm talking to this comic and there's four people standing like over there and they're like looking and they're talking and they're looking and i'm going ah dude there so then i see one of them go like this and i think they just said oh he's eating right because it was happening all night though in my defense it was happening so i go i got dude man i'm fuck i just got my food they're standing there looking so i go you know what i'll do i'll act like I'm going to the bathroom and I'll go up to them because the guy kind of wait oh god I've done this I get up I get up just because they were

like standing there I'm having a conversation I felt like they were hawking me and I stand up for them to go oh do you mind now and dude I just I just got up and I started going to the bathroom and they just kept talking and I just was like uh all right can i just went back just went back to eating and i was so fucked it was so funny and embarrassing that i almost told the comic the comic got up and left i almost told the comic dude i just got up because i thought they wanted a picture that's the only way to cleanse it all right i got one i've been sitting on all right so i take i take nia to go see the milwaukee bucks against the lakers right oh it's a good one see yeah the greek freak versus lebron but lebron broke kareem's record the night before

so he went out boozing or whatever you know he twisted his ankle he couldn't play which i respected i respected that right so we got great seats my My manager hooks us up. We're down in like the fucking VIP thing underneath the bleachers or whatever. And we're sitting there and in walks Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. And I'm like, holy fucking shit, because they can do like a presentation thing. So I'm sitting there and Nia is just starstruck. She's like, oh, my God, I've never seen her so starstruck. She's like, that's Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Oh my God.

So she goes, do you think I could go up and get a picture with him? I said, no. I go, don't do that. Don't do that. He doesn't like that stuff. I'm telling you. And like, I'm a huge fan of Kareem.

And like, and I'm not talking about like basketball. I mean, the person. Like his, this guy can talk about anything you want. He's a fucking intellectual trapped in a seven foot body. And all little white guys want to do is come up and talk to him about putting a fucking ball through a hoop. So it's just like, no, I'm no, I'm telling you, it's not going to be good. You look at him. He's over there. He's not looking at anybody. Just don't leave this guy alone. Right. So she's like, all right.

All right. Yeah. It's like, I don't want to fuck with this guy. He probably doesn't even want to be here. Right. Can't wait for this ceremony to be over so we can get the fuck out of here and go read some book on, you know, astrophysics or something. Right. So I'm fucking sitting there.

And then as he goes to get out and he is like oh there he is there he is and some like you know sort of like botox mom's like she does a selfie with him and he kind of did it so she's like going bill bill bill so i go all right maybe and i went up oh no i went up to him no and. And my in was, he wrote an article, and when he said some comedians' names, he mentioned my name. So I went up to him, and I said, Hey, Kareem, sorry to bother you. I'm Bill Burr.

I'm a comedian. You mentioned me one time in one of your articles. And he's like way up here, not looking at me. And he just goes, I did? And I was like, oh, no. Oh. your articles and he's like way up here not looking at me and he just goes i did and i was like oh no oh oh i don't remember the rest of the conversation i think my voice went up and trailed i'll say yeah maybe you did you do a picture or no he just walked away. Oh, my God. Oh, dude. I was hoping the end would be better.

Dude, that stayed with me until mid-second quarter. And he was going like, I thought you were going to be having a better time at the game. And I was like, dude, I can't believe. I knew that was going to happen. I knew that was going to happen. And then another thing, too, is I love that guy. It doesn't change. I still love that guy. I hate that was going to happen. And then another thing, too, is I love that guy. It doesn't change. I still love that guy.

I hate that I bothered him. Oh, God. I hate that I became just another guy that fucking bothered him. I did? Oh, my God. He just threw me on the pile of jerk-offs that he has to wade through. Do you realize? When I look at those guys, I'm like, that has got to be the fucking.

It's like a prison. Yeah. He can't put a hat on when you're seven feet fucking tall. Even if you're not famous. You're seven feet tall and you work at a fucking Home Depot. People are looking at you. Hey, you don't need a forklift, do there buddy right your whole fucking life nobody sees you right nobody fucking sees you and that's like um i read his articles and shit and i really like i don't agree with everything that he says but like like he really has um he's so beyond the game of basketball and i was just like

i am not gonna talk to this dude that's incredible story that is fucking nuts dude oh dude i feel like i'm embarrassed again as i tell it but i i still 100 love the guy and And if I could do it over again, I wouldn't have bothered him. Right. I remember somebody saying that about Tom Brady. They go, you ever meet Tom Brady? I go, no, I haven't.

They go, dude, you would absolutely freak out if you met him. I said, I would, you know, my gift for him would be for six Super Bowls and 20 years of winning. I wouldn't, I would leave him alone. Yeah. I would be one less jerk-off coming up here,

taking the greatest and just fucking let him finish his scallops. I pride myself on doing that. And you know what? I fucking... Dude, that story hurt me. That story hurt me because I know how much it hurt you this is why you know what and my wife loves me so much it hurt her because she was just like um i i'm so i didn't know i thought because i was like i know i know that woman took the picture

she just kind of went up and did it Oh, man. Yeah, he had no choice. Oh, Paul, I don't know if I can finish this podcast. I'm so fucking embarrassed. And then right as I was starting to forget, right as I was starting to forget, sometime in the second half, they cut to him in the crowd, waving uncomfortably. No, dude, I saw that game.

He didn't want to be there, dude. That guy had bothered. Dude, he didn't want to be there, man. They showed him when he didn't know they showed him. And I'm sure he wanted to be there for LeBron, dude, but there was a look on his face during the thing and the camera. He didn't know and it was fucking like get me out of here yeah and everybody thought it was he was upset that

he's breaking the right he doesn't give a fuck no he don't want to be there i feel like that guy can only talk to his close friends or other people that have had his experience meaning like basketball players they're like astronauts yeah they can't they can't relate to just fucking some you know little comedian coming up hey 20 million articles to go i did i did is fucking i not looking at you not looking at you saying it is oh paul it would have hurt me for a while he was looking he could have seen when they were building the new staples center he was looking so far away from he was so high up in the air oh my god well you know what at least you're talking about it that's a big step step. Hey, Paul, thank you. I appreciate that.

I'll fucking shake your hand. That's a big step. Sometimes you got to just say it to cleanse it, the embarrassing ones. But dude, what do you talk to? What do you talk to Lawrence Taylor about? You know what I would talk to Lawrence Taylor about? I'll talk to him about golf because that would be a conversation he wants to have. Guy plays golf all the time or or do you think that would even annoy him no i don't want to superimpose what happened to me on everybody else i don't know i just look at those guys like you know dude lawrence taylor changed the position and probably has been to... What's the over-under on orgies that that guy's been in? Oh, forget it, dude. Where it's just him and 20 women.

It's just like, what the fuck am I going to say to this guy? Like, nothing. It's like you can't... It's an astronaut thing. The guy's been to the fucking moon. And I'm going to be like, Oh, yeah, I was just playing. I did a show in Des Moines.

Oh, yeah? You see that fucking thing up there? I was on that. Were you? Were you? You said that. Oh, I know. That type of shit.

Oh, that shit. One guy walked up to him. You saw that guy with the Bible? And I'll tell you this. I got to give it up to the dude with the Bible. That punch would have taken me down. He ate that punch like he ate those donuts. His whole fuck, all his hair shook.

Wait, who punched him? I didn't see the punch. Who punched him? You didn't see that one? John Glenn punched him? He was going like, you didn't blah, blah, blah. He goes, He took a punch. I didn't see the punch. Who punched him? You didn't see that one. John Glenn. Like you didn't blah, blah, blah.

He goes, you're a liar. You're a liar. And he goes, you're a coward. He called a fucking astronaut, a coward. Dude.

And this guy old school was like, eh, nobody calls me yellow. Right. Turns around. And what's great is you don't see it connect. You just see the back of this guy's big dumb head. And it is a fucking, it's a brain, it was a brain shaker. And this guy, he fucking, he took it. I would have had to at the very least regroup. If there

was a public trash can, I would have been leaning on it. All right, maybe you orbited it. would have been leaning on it all right maybe you orbited it be trying to knock it down yeah i mean i don't you know me you know i'm humble but i would if i went to the moon i'd be like give me the bible i swear to god yes i did yes i what did he say he goes dude you know he was i saw a different one i don't know if this is the same one i saw one where he went up calmly to the guy and he goes hey how you doing they had a little talk and he goes hey dude, you know, he was, I saw a different one. I don't know if this is the same one. I saw one where he went up calmly to the guy and he goes, Hey, how you doing? They had a little talk and he goes, Hey man, if you really went to the moon, would you, would you put your hand on the Bible and just say, I did it. And then the guy looked at him and just started walking away. And he goes, you know, the, the only thing less credit you're, you're less credible. And like,

they had a thing like that. And then he went up to another guy. He goes, Hey man, real quick, dude. He goes, can you just, can you just, would you be able, would you be willing to put your hand on the Bible, put your hand up and say that you swear you that you went to the moon? And like, none of them did it. They just walked away. Can I ask you a question, Paul? Yeah. If you were lying at that level, are you really concerned about this potential invisible man that's going to send you to the depths of your life because you claimed you went to the moon when you really didn't is that is that punishable is that do you go to hell for that you know i don't know i can't i don't know i don't know what these guys think of that i don't

know what these guys faith is where's the cutoff paul like Like, you know, in basketball and hockey, like you got the number one seed down to the eighth seed and then the ninth seed, even if they're a half a point behind, they go to the off season, they don't make the playoffs. Where is that morally for you as far as going from, you know, like you're on, you're on like Paul Verzi's on the bubble. Right. And do good actions outweigh bad act. If you have more good actions than bad actions. I am a, yeah, I'm a, listen, I'm a God fearing dude. I believe that there's something I don't know.

God fearing? God, I guess is that god i believe in god i i believe in god is that is that better i believe you just went porky pig on me yeah i believe that bad deeds are punished like i believe that if you do more good than bad that means something in life i feel like there is the balance in life i feel like uh you know karma comes back to people i believe in that stuff so you know but if i went to the moon okay go ahead sorry no i was just gonna say if i went to the moon i'd put my hand on the bible and be like yeah dude i did go to the moon and you're just a journalist like i would i would be if i did it i would fucking wouldn't walk away the way that they did one guy walked away like he didn't go to the fucking moon one guy walked away like he was

he didn't go to the fucking moon so i don't know but here's my thing paul if you would lie i know what you mean 50 years to the whole nation you would do that but you wouldn't put your hand on a bible dude if you're an astronaut you probably went to church religiously every sunday for many years your mother or grandmother i gotta be honest like these things just never make sense to me like first of all we never went to the fucking moon like the seal on that's got to break soon because anybody that was involved in the lie is going to be dead and that's a lot of people

that's a lot of people involved to keep that quiet yeah I don't know I don't know but the mob for the longest time was able to keep their shit quiet before guys started ratting each other out i don't know i have no idea old school mob guys still go mob what are you talking that doesn't old school mob guys go

that's a fairy tale that doesn't exist that's like what are you talking about that's why in the first episode of sopranos when meadow, when Meadow looked at Gandolfini. Hey, Paul, old school comics don't trash other comics on social media. They go up to the comic they have a problem with. Absolutely. Absolutely. But not in today's game. I'm not saying all of them, but like that,

one of the few things that disappoints me, because I love the power that young kids have now to jumpstart their careers and they don't have to wait um for someone to be like and now i've decided you can make it they can kind of do it on their own there's always a balance the only thing that i wish was like when that fucking backbiting bullshit where you go in on a comic and stuff and, uh, on social media, it's like,

like that's, uh, I think that's a symptom of kind of growing up. Just everything's on camera. Like I get weirded out by that where I think to them, that's a natural existence. So there's not that, um,

that code, you know, that you grew up with where it's like if you had a problem with somebody you went to them and if you talked to everybody else or ran your mouth about them then you kind of became like the asshole in the situation and guys used to say you know if you were bitching about something when i was young people don't fucking talk to me about it you got a problem with that guy go fucking talk to him don't fucking waste my time with it i don't want to hear it um and and and it's a rumor becomes fact that piece of shit did you hear what that piece of shit did and then all of a sudden it's out there it's bullshit it's because because nobody listens to the other side of the story guys are

lying guys are lying and shit i'm not, you know, it's what it is. Guys are saying they went to the moon and then they won't put their hand on a Bible. I love all the shit like the medical community is getting. You know what I mean? Like they're actually secretly trying to kill people. It just fascinates me. Where it's like they've defeated every plague like aids i heard they just now they've been able to cure like two or three people

cure them of it where they they've been able to get it where they can't um you know detect it but you know it took fucking 40 years yeah Yeah. You know what I mean? So it's just like one of these deals where like, you know, this COVID shit is new. It's going to take them a while, but they're going to wrangle it and they're going to fucking take care of it. And they'll fucking eradicate it like they have everything else. And then there'll be the next thing. But like, I don't think that they like, I might be wrong about all this, but I don't think that they would go out and try to kill a bunch of people because of overpopulation. They would have done that with AIDS. They would have let that happen. And they didn't.

They fought it and then they beat it. So, yeah, yeah. I mean, I'm not saying that now without fault, they came up with liquid synthetic heroin and fucking killed a bunch of people. But you can read you can do that about any industry yeah that listen i'm just playing devil's advocate when aids came out there was five billion people on earth now there's eight i don't know if that has anything to do with it but i don't know if they're trying to kill us i don't fucking know wait what does that mean the population increased right so i'm yeah, that's what I'm saying. I'm saying that was a virus that you got through fucking. So everybody's like, oh, my God, this is going to wipe us out.

Dude, the first like I don't know how many years of it. They didn't know what the fuck it was. Then they figured out what it was. Then they were able to isolate it. Then they came out the AZT. They talked about how to protect yourselves wear condoms practice safe sex they did all of that and they walked it down walked it that took them 40 fucking years though what's crazy is magic johnson dude magic johnson in 1992 dude he got it in 91. And in 92, dude, he was on like, he was like in the White House. And then he just fucking like, clicked his heels out of there, dude. I mean, dude, I was like,

I'm when he got that stuff. I was like, Oh, my God, we're gonna watch him die. It was a death sentence. He said everybody looked at him like that. He said when after he did that, and he would talk to people, he said, like, I watched people look at me like i wasn't going to be here that's fucking brutal yeah and so much so much of your health is your mental state i went to a doctor one time and he goes well look at your age i'll be honest with you there's no good news from here on out and i remember that was just such like a fucking egotistical thing for him to say. It's like, I know that. What do you think, I'm going to reverse age? I know there's nothing good coming down the pike.

But why would you say, why would you shower that fucking negative shit onto me? That's like, you know, so I kind of looked at him like, oh, this guy's got like the God complex. And I'm going to kind of like, I can't, that's one of those things where i wish i i wish i you know said something to him but i've been like do you say that to all your patients was he trying to be funny or no no uh there's also a thing i think that happens in the medical community where after a while you're just dealing with that day in and day out, and it stops being people. It just becomes work. I remember one time.

I got one. Go ahead. I got one. I dropped a relative off at a hospital, and the person went like, the person worked at the hospital and went, oh, Jesus Christ, would you look at all those ambulances? And I bursted out laughing. And then this person laughed too, goes, I know, I know. I shouldn't look at it that way. She, you know, saw all this work.

Dude, I went to this older, this older orthopedic guy. He's been doing it 45 years, almost 50 years. He's about to retire. He's older. I walked in and i've seen him many times and he just goes he walked in he's i'm god mr smith take care of everything he just goes in and he's got the thing i said and he just goes so what's going on with you yeah that can happen to you as a comedian andrew what time is it we're good we're done yeah what time is it uh 11 55 or 10 55 10 55 okay cool i got something at 11 okay cool all right uh all right everybody that's the show uh hope you guys enjoyed episode 75 please rate and review

the podcast so it keeps moving up get the anything better podcast everywhere you get your podcast itunes spotify and uh guys i'm gonna be at zany oh my zany shows are sold out thank you chicago i'm gonna be at salt lake city wise guys salt lake city april 14th 15th i'll be at the denver comedy works on the 16th i have uh oh march 30th through april 1st i'll be in providence and i have raleigh charlotte tampa austin paulversey.com. Check that out. And Bill, I got some dates coming up. They're not announced yet, but it's a special announcement. I got, maybe I'll be performing in a college town in Texas because there's a certain motorcycle race I want to go to. Oh, well, all right. How about that?

Some reason I'm not allowed to announce the dates. All right. Well, that's the that's the show. Check us out. We'll be back next week and, uh, we will talk to you soon. Take care, everybody. Thank you. Bye.