Anything Better? - Looking For A Fight

Episode Date: July 10, 2021

Is there Anything Better than Bill and Paul talking about how to handle the neighborhood nut?

What's up everybody and welcome back to another episode of Anything Better with myself Paul Berzy, Phil Burr, our producer Andrew Femlis and you guys are listening to a very special number episode but I think we just got to give this one to the goat. Ladies and gentlemen, episode 23 goes to Michael. Is it Michael Jeffrey? I don't know. Michael Jordan.

There's some honorable mentions, Donnie baseball, but you know what? I'll be honest with you, man. When it's Jordan, I just going to say this is episode Michael Jordan, dude.

You know, it's, this is, this is the guy. There's LeBron James. Some people try to say he's, I know you're a big LeBron fan. No, Hey, great player. Not, not MJ. I mean, he's not. What about David Beckham? The way he used to bend it around those guys covering their balls. Yeah. He's playing soccer. He married a Spice Girl? That doesn't count for anything? Nah, I think you got to just say it's Michael. Ryan Sandberg.

He's a good player, good second base, but it's Jordan. I mean, what are we talking about? It's Michael Jordan. You know, it would be like if Ali had a number. Or Vincent. Bob Nystrom. Didn't he score the one to give him the first cup? Bob Ganey, Mark Teixeira, Louis Tion.

Come on, Louis Tion. Oil Can Boyd. A couple of Red Sox in there. Marcus Camby. He went to UMass. Oh, Marcus Camby went to UMass. Amherst. And he was a Knick.

He was a good Nick. That's right. Femlist. Is it Michael Jeffrey Jordan? Is that his full name is Michael Jeffrey? I believe it is. Bill, you saw him with hair. Is it Michael Jeffrey?

We both had hair last time I saw him. Dude, I got to tell you something. First of all, I hope you had a great Fourth of July. I got to tell you something, dude. We got a fucking problem in the neighborhood. And I just got yelled at at my wife. And I was like, you know what? I got to talk about this on the show.

Okay. So apparently there's a man in our neighborhood who's like up and around that has this something happened to this guy. I don't know what it is. He's in his mid 40s. Neighbor moved in, knocked on the door, introduced, tried to introduce himself. Okay. And the guy goes, yeah, I don't do that. We don't do that. We don't talk to neighbors. Please get off my property. I don't want to talk to you. And if you ever see me in my neighborhood or if you ever see me in the

driveway, I don't want to see you talk to you. I don't want your dog near us, anything like that. So they just go, probably just a slow walk with a cake. slow walk with a cake guy right no so then so then apparently he's fucking screen door no but apparently yourself so now a dog went on the guy's lawn and somebody he'll just sit at the window and go get that fucking dog off my right. So now the kids are walking. Oh, wow. This guy's taking it to another level. Now the kids are walking and he's starting to yell at the kids. And I found out that my son and daughter was in a group of kids behind the kids that they got yelled at.

And they didn't, he didn't say anything to my kids. But he's basically, there's like something, there's like an issue with this guy. Dude, I drove past the house and he's just holding his fucking hose, just looking at cars like mean. So my question is, is this guy, is there something wrong with this fucking guy? But also if he says something to my kids, I'm going to have an issue. So my neighbor gets a phone call from his friend who lives near this guy. The guy goes, dude, my dog is loose. I need help. So my neighbor drives by and that guy's outside. And he goes up to the guy and he goes, hey, man, we're just looking for a dog. Did you see the dog? And the guy turned his back on him and just goes,

go fuck yourself. Right. So he tells me this. And now I got mad. So today I got lunch and it's on my mind and I'm just driving in my neighborhood and I get Stacy a salad and it's on my mind. So I drive past the guy's house and I decide that if I drive past the guy's house and he's out there, I'm going to tell him if he ever talks to my kids, I'm going to fucking kill him. Just something came over me. And just something came over me. So I, I, I, I literally, this is true. So I literally, I'm just, cause the way he was looking with his hose, I'm just going to go, listen, man, I know you're a little fucked up in the head. You say something to my kids, I'm going to fucking beat you in front of your fucking wife. Okay. So I just got angry. I don't know why. So I go there. He's not there. He's good at like deescalating things, you know, just bringing it back to where it needs to be.

So I go, I drive by. He's not there. And I see this pregnant lady, two houses up and I roll the window down. Excuse me, can I talk to you for a second? And she goes, yes, she goes, I go, is there something going on with this? And she just goes, oh, my God god everybody knows it's such a problem hey she like this guy did this and she goes oh my god she goes if my husband was here you'd be getting him fired up all of a sudden her husband comes out no shirt on holding a baby gold chain and an italian gold horn and i'm going oh god me and this guy gonna be friends i mean the guy's got a fucking horn and a baby in his hand like this guy's a family guy so he comes out and he's at first he's like who's this guy talking to my wife but then he hears me talking about what's going on i hear this guy's yelling at kids my my my kids

are friends with and he's going dude he goes we were here three days and i'm walking my dog and you get that fucking mud off that he goes i just started laughing so like there's clearly something going on that's the way to handle that guy i would drive by that guy every day whatever hey mark yeah he said blow him a kiss the guy oh absolutely i had a neighbor like that yeah my wife used to whistle at him like he was sexy he was this old guy she used to whistle at him she used to do that get all fucking mad and he used to wait he used to wait till i'd go on the road and then he would yell at her and she kept telling me to go downstairs this is an

old story go downstairs and confront the guy it's like i'm not gonna confront this guy man he's like fucking 65 years old you know i was in my 30s at the time I'm not going to confront this guy, man. He's like fucking 65 years old. You know, I was in my 30s at the time. I'm not fucking. He's an old guy. Did you ever do anything? Did you ever say anything to him? Yeah, she finally goes, he yelled at me again.

You need to go downstairs, right? So I fucking go downstairs. And as I was walking up the walk, he was so terrified. He turned the terror into anger. And he was just like, you make too much noise. He just started screaming. All of a sudden he was so terrified he turned the terror into anger and he was just like yeah he made too much noise he just started screaming almost thought he was crying i was doing this the whole time i listen i can't have you like yelling at my wife she goes she stops all over the floor and i was practicing guitar too at the time i was trying to learn how to play guitar at one point he just goes

to me he goes how's your band and like laughed at me and then my wife laughed at me because he said that dude women got no loyalty they get no loyalty she sends me down to go talk to this guy probably farting he was i'm probably older than that like he was starting to lose it paul put your hands next to your head you're like fading into a dream sequence here put your hands next to your head your head take your hands did it work yeah i don't know dude you look like you're in back to the future there we go there you go now you're back right. What do you always do that with your teeth? What are you doing? What?

You can always go like this. There we go. Dude, I've never seen it. You look, you like the way you look, dude. No. I'm going to like the way you look. You guarantee it. My favorite ever is Paul Verzi getting ready for a show before you go off.

Dude, have a good one. Have a great time. Then there's a mirror. You stop and go yes all right am i better now i'm better all right go ahead i was just waiting for you to do something with your mouth again am i good um anyway yeah so she fucking sends me down there, the guy flips the fuck out, makes fun of my guitar playing, and then I go upstairs, and she's like, oh shit, he said something about your guitar playing, and I was just like, it's like, that was an argument I didn't want to have, dude, and then for the rest of the fucking

time I lived there, I used to play with like the headphone plugged in, so he couldn't hear me, I was like so self-conscious, because I sucked, I was like, oh my god, I used to play with like the headphone plugged in so he couldn't hear me. I was like so self-conscious because I sucked. I was like, oh, my God, I didn't know my neighbors could hear me. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. I didn't know they could hear that. I'm so embarrassed. That's funny. He starts beating the shit out of you.

She's laughing. I was like, I mean mean what he said was obviously hilarious but like i'm just trying to it's always like picture a world say it was a woman it's like okay i'm a guy i can't go down there and confront you go down there and you know you confront him and then the guy the woman says something about her cooking or about you know you need to go to the gym you know they always attack each other's looks and shit and then she came back i'm like oh shit yeah man um yeah and then i would be the biggest fun i went down there for you

and what they said really hurt my feelings. And for you to come back and be laughing at me. I mean, it'd be fucking five days of that shit. Yeah, dude, I came home and I kind of gave Stacy the salad. And I said, hey, I took a ride by that guy's house. And she just fucking laid into me. She fucking laid into me, man. She goes, what the fuck are you doing?

She goes, you're going to fucking. I was kind of thinking that, dude. She goes, you're going to fucking escalate some fucking lunatic. And he didn't even do anything to us. And I'm going, I think he yelled at a group of kids that our kids were in, and she's like, we don't know that. And I'm like, I think he, you know, and I was like, I just want to tell the guy don't fuck around my family.

And she was like, what the fuck? We got to do a big fight. So I'm going to lay off, you know and i was like i just want to tell the guy don't fuck around my family and she was like what what the fuck we got to do a big fight so so i'm gonna lay off you know you got to go by one day big smile and a wave like jim carrey in that movie good evening good afternoon and good night i mean i would just like the funny thing is there's not like one blow the horn i mean you got it yeah dude there's like not one case of him being nice like it's always get away from me get off like yelling but he's like he's in his 40s and i'm going it's got to be something your dog go he turns his back and goes go fuck yourself that's that's hilarious he like just goes go fuck yourself and my buddy and his wife go bye like what do you yeah it's brutal man but like he like said something to his wife too he said

something to my friend's wife like get get can't have that can't have that get your kids the fuck out of here and shit like something is like i want to know what this is suburb shit you guys because it's not city you don't show up with baseball bats you guys should all go down there with wiffle ball bats and give them a plastic bat cul-de-sac beating by the time the cops get there his legs won't be red anymore there won't be any there won't be any, there won't be any evidence. We should just all show up with cakes and pies. Hey, like that's the way gifts, you know, as he's yelling, you hug him. Send him letters, pretend you're a secret admirer. So apparently another neighbor cut his wife off,

cut this guy's wife off or girlfriend off in the car. And the guy found out which neighbor did it and he walked over there and the neighbor he the neighbor goes yeah come on my property i'll fucking shoot you i'll fucking kill you get up here so like this guy is what neighborhood do you live in no i think what it is this guy's with gold shark tooth coming out you talking to my fucking wife no i'm mad at what this fucking guy. All right, this guy's all right. You want to fuck him up?

Fuck him up. Hey, where's my dog? Go fuck yourself. Yeah, come on my property. I'll fucking shoot you. You guys all sound like lunatics. No, I think what's happening is everybody. Are you rebooting the Sopranos?

No. Oh, Bill, I think what's happening Is everybody's tired of this fucking guy And like wants an issue With him to just put him in his place I think that's what it sounds I think the neighbor's done You know like you can't like go to his house What did he say when he said I'll shoot you

I guess the guy just fucking left Like I guess like the guy was like Yeah I fucking wish you would Like it was one of those like I wish of all, you would come on to my fucking property right now. Like, it's like that. Like on Halloween. We got to tell people, there's people like outside the country that watch it. Like, that's legal here in this country.

You come on somebody's property, you know. Yeah. You can just shoot them. You feel threatened. If you come up with like a cake or something like that to a neighborhood. Well, how do i know that's not a bomb you can shoot him i believe i think you can only kill them if they step in your house not on your property but what if you have one of those really nice yards you just got it mulched you can't he's coming up with his big stupid feet and he fucking you know kind of kicks some of the mulch into the walkway.

No, there was there. There was a case where somebody killed somebody and dragged him in their foyer. So it was like like you you need somebody to step in. That's like the catcher making a ball a strike. That's perfect. That's perfect. Yeah. Like you need somebody to be in your house to step in to kill them so they could be on your and he dragged him in the foyer there was like they have by law you cannot shoot somebody if they're on your step but if they take one step into your home and you shoot them you have that you win that case's like, look, he stepped in my house. I was threatened.

He came into my home. But if somebody steps on your driveway, you can't just fucking off them. Not in this country, at least. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah. No, no. Do you have to know all of those laws before you buy a gun?

Yeah, dude. Could you imagine if you could shoot somebody that stepped on your grass walking the dog? That's a good question. Do you have to know those laws? Is there like a test you have to take before you buy a gun like you can't just fly a plane you got to know all this stuff about aerodynamics and physics and all of that and then you got to take tests you got to get a license no i bought a gun i bought a check right then you get a license no i bought a gun i bought a check right into your license. No, I bought a gun. I bought a rifle. And I just had to, like, do, like, it was like a quick, like, am I mentally okay?

Do I have a felony? You realize how fucked up that is? You can't just start driving a car. You have to learn all the rules to the road. Yeah. And you have to get, you don't even have to take a gun safety thing so you don't blow your goddamn foot off no no you could go into dick sporting goods right now and buy a 12 gauge shotgun that could put a hole through a fucking elephant and you just got to say that and have a license.

It's just as long as, but I like the felon thing. That's a good thing. Did you take a gun safety course? No. You don't have to with a rifle. You have to with a- No, did you though? No.

I'm a good shot. You see me shoot. I'm not, I'm a good shot. I know what I'm doing. You shoot. Stop talking like you're fucking wyatt erp you shoot me you saw me shoot in jacksonville you even said i was a good shot at a fucking target some big stupid fuck you make it sound like you've robbed a bank and you're fucking with a hero or some shit i've seen you shoot like you're fucking doing this shit at a goddamn carnival.

You saw me shoot at a gun range. A gun range doesn't count. It's like telling jokes at your house. I'm a comedian. Yeah. You've seen me shoot. If you go hunting and the fucking thing sees you, oh, fucking, it's running away and you blow its brains out. I saw you shoot a paper fucking piece of paper. Yeah.

No, you're a great shot, Paul. It was like, you know, 20 yards away. You know, if they hang up a grizzly bear fucking 20 yards away from you and you've got time to reload and put your thing on and go, yeah, you're a good shot. How do you do under pressure? Reggie Miller time. Three, two, one. How do you do then? You see me?

I'm a good shot. You're out of your fucking mind, dude. If you buy a gun and you don't take a safety course and you don't fucking learn how to take that thing apart every fucking god thing you think about you're an asshole well i do i did do that with my cop friend he taught me everything we went to the range together and i did that i basically did that he took me there i guess no basically it didn't no i don't want a cop who told you some shit you remember 40 of it i listen i can i get i get it paul you didn't do well in school the thought of getting a booklet even if it's something that you're into you got to realize paul school is not who you are no school makes you learn a bunch of shit you don't want to learn so then you get it into your head that you don't like learning

and you don't like reading you're into guns paul i like i like you to read some literature if you read the literature it'd be interesting no i disagree i disagree i disagree with you you you this is right here this is your classic gun owner right here no i'm very responsible that's a good shot I went down to fucking, I went down behind the target. They got some sandbags and a couple piece of paper. I went down there. I talked to a cop. Went to the range one time.

Yeah, I'm a fucking expert. No, I've been to the range multiple times. I know how to take the gun apart. I keep the ammo away from the gun in my home. I know, listen, man. This is all basic bitch shit. Yeah, but that's... What do you want me to do?

I would fucking become a master. A master with a fucking.22? I got like a glorified BB gun. What are you going to be a master with? Can I shoot you in the foot with it? What do you mean? It would hurt. Yeah.

What do you say? Do you want me to do that? No. No. But, like, are you saying- Well, owning a gun is a fucking responsibility. It's not, I'm going to fucking go out and get it right.

You know, that fucking bullshit. Yeah, and then you should fucking know what you're doing with it. You don't hang out with a cop for a fucking afternoon. You got kids. Now, do I know what I'm doing with my gun? I'm good with my gun. Paul, you just told me. You just started talking shit like you were Joe Montana of the fucking Rifle Ridge.

Hey, you seen me shoot? I was supposed to pick up the legend of Paul Verzi right there. Oh, yeah, man. You got to see this guy. Whoa. We were in Jacksonville one time doing a weekend at the Comedy Zone. And, whoo, I don't think I've ever seen a guy shoot a fucking piece of notebook paper with a guy drawn on it like this guy did.

I was actually standing there like, why does this guy do comedy? He should. Like, why does this guy do comedy? He should. I mean, if they don't pick you to be the next James Bond and let you do your own fucking stunts with real bullets, I mean, I think whoever owns that franchise is making a huge mistake. Listen, I'll give you that. I'll give you that.

However, however, to sit here and say that if you bought a rifle, However, however, to sit here and say that if you bought a rightful, you'd become a fucking right. Twenty two rightful, a twenty two that you'd become some fucking master. It's like it's a twenty two, man. You keep the fuck. You learn how to fucking clean it. You learn where this, you know, all of the safety things with unless you buy a forty four Magnum, you don't really need to know how this gun works. No, no, but it's a 22 rightful that anybody could buy and it's kind of fucking basic there was literally a fucking soccer mom who showed me how to clean it in the fucking dicks when the mob used to whack people what would they what would they always use 22 two behind the ear yeah two behind the ear does the job and wanted to make sure

yeah he goes you know he goes a 22 rattles around in the brain then you die he goes a 45 blows the barn door off the back of your head uh oh paul you don't have a gun, Bill? I don't answer these questions. Oh, okay. I don't read from my playbook so people know what they are. Put it this way. I might, I might not. But if I did, I took a gun safety course and learned everything I could possibly learn about the gun that I bought.

Put it that way. You don't just, it's just a.22. All it's going to do is fucking blow a few fingers off. I just pictured a bunch of mobiles. Speaking of which, speaking of fucking which, I do have to commend you, Paul. The level of fireworks that you have at your house, and you still have all your fingers,

considering these fucking people every goddamn year. Dude, there was a guy in the Columbus Blue Jackets got killed. 24-year-old goalie took a mortar to the chest. It's like... Dude, that's why I don't do mortars, and I don't want to do mortars, man. Because mortars... What are mortars? So mortar is basically like...

I got to look up a picture of it. Let's say that this is actually thick, but let's say that this is a tube. Picture this tube a little thinner, and it's fucking like, you know, maybe like this. You drop, you literally drop in something, a shell that's like that thick, that has a long wick. You drop it in the tube you light it

and then it goes up the problem with those is if the table's wobbly if it's not bolted down or taped down and that thing fucking turns and sometimes as the fucking as it's ignited the air and the pressure that sends it up can make it fucking bend so i've did them at the house out of all the years a couple times i had it too we had it duct taped i don't like it i like the cakes the cakes are just boxes like this that are heavy you put obviously the right side down you light it and you fucking run and it's nine to twelve rockets that's what the fuck you do these guys with these fucking tubes and rockets fucking idiot you know put it the wrong side down. Oh, God.

My favorite thing to watch. You ever watch those people Thanksgiving? The deep fryers? They deep fry a turkey and they burn their fucking house down? First of all, they're on a wood deck. And what they do is they fill the oil all the way up to the top, not realizing that the turkey takes up space. It's like getting into a bathtub and the water comes up.

The oil goes up over the side and then hits that open flame. And then they put water on it, which you don't do for a grease. They just send it. And just the agonizingly slow way that that fire quickly just grows into something. I mean, I don't want to see somebody burn down their house, but watching people like there's no, like that's the type of thing. Like if I was ever doing that, I do that in the middle of my driveway. Okay. And I would just have sand all around the fucking thing.

So God forbid the oil got over the side. I would do something to be ready. Instead of all of a sudden being like, grab the garden hose. You stand there and flip-flops with a fucking two-gallon grease fire on your fucking wooden back porch. Willis Whalen, our friend, he does a fried turkey. So wait, what do you do? What do you do with a grease fire then

you got to put sand on it well usually in the kitchen it's like fuck it's like baking soda you want to smother it yeah you don't want to put water on it because oil and water don't mix and i think it just sort of pushes it along i don't know but like with that shit dude you have like you know it's like a keg of fucking oil that is God knows how many fucking degrees. Yeah, it's fucking burden and the oil rises and it goes right over the side. These people have an open flame. Yeah, guy. I know he does him in his driveway way down in his body. His driveway is a hill bottom the driveway, away from everything.

And then he's got stuff that he can throw on, like some dirt. He could just throw on it the second it would. Yeah, it's kind of an easy thing to put out. But it's also an easy thing to get horrifically out of control. Like you shouldn't have any leaves, any grass, anything flammable around it. It just goes on to the concrete of the asphalt and then hopefully you know you got a wheelbarrow full of some shit that you can just dump onto it and you're good yeah i saw somebody do it at a campsite they just did it on the ground they did

it on the grass and the dirt and there was shit there to put it doing it on a deck is ridiculous uh but dude i i actually i actually get very weird during the fireworks where I tell people, like, we're not fucking doing that. Like, oh, let's do this. Or, like, you know, a couple people, like, let's have mortars going the whole time the cakes are going. And I go, no, because that means somebody needs to stand there, light them, and drop them in. And we're not doing that. Like, we're not fucking doing that. Like, nobody, knock on wood, nobody's been hurt here.

And it's because we just not doing that. Like, we're not fucking doing that. Like, nobody, knock on wood, nobody's been hurt here. And it's because we just keep it simple. We do it with the cakes that can't fucking tilt. And that's it, man. It's like, I'm not fucking losing somebody or getting my fucking hand blown off, dude. Fuck that. Fuck that, man. One guy put the tube in. Nothing fucked up before the July fucking party, like killing one of the guests.

Oh. Then the thing fucking tips over did you ever see the guy put the fucking tube in his like zipper so it looked like his dick and he's like going like this and it's like coming out and then all of a sudden he like tripped and like set on fire and rolled around he ended up being all right but it was just one of those drunk assholes and it's like well there was a kid a few years ago took one of those mortar things and he had it he tatted on his head and it was like a military level mortar and it just it just he disintegrated he became a firework like there was nothing left of him i don't know what he had

firework like there was nothing left of him i don't know what he had dude you want to see something fucking insane if you look up firework injuries and you see like hands and stuff dude it's just like no it's just like no i'll tell you what's funny is uh somebody i know got me some fireworks all they got me was sparklers that's all they got me yeah and it is so fucking dry out here and i just have you know trees around my area and grass i was just like i was trying to think where i could do it and be relaxed and i was just like i'm not going to be the guy that burns down my street in the middle of your pool it's the only place you can do it you gotta even then even then one of those little fucking things that's what always happens some guy's

smoking a cigarette and a little bit of ash catches the wind lands on a shrub and he's just sitting there like oh shit oh oh oh oh shit yeah then a whole hill of people are fucking homeless out here so um yeah dude uh we had like four days of monsoon rain and we were like all right we could go if we don't we just can't we just not taking that chance dude so we we we had sopping wet everything was soaked and we were able to do it that's good yeah yeah but good thing no but yeah man i don't want to fuck i'm not doing that like mortar shit and when i saw that that kid that kid in the nhl died i was just like you know and he tried getting away rest his soul fucking brutal man fucking. I can't imagine, like, you know, it becomes a fucking war scene.

Dude, Jason Pierre-Paul blew his fucking hand off. Luckily, he was still able to play, but he blew his fingers off. Because, like, I don't know what happened. Are they throwing them? Because, listen, I've done fireworks for seven years now. And luckily, knock on wood, no accidents. But nobody's going near anything. The wick is out.

We're like bitches leaning back with the thing. We light them and we fucking, we leave. It's like, what are people doing? Do you remember those firecrackers

when we were kids? Was it the black ones or the red ones? One of them had a ridiculously fast wick. It was like, you lit it and threw it. The red ones were fast.

Jesus Christ. Lady fingers, fingers right they used to call them remember jumping jacks just i remember this kid in my my neighborhood we we we were throwing fireworks at this kid right and he lit the firecracker and he brought it back here and it blew up in his hand i just remember going like like nothing it didn't break the skin but the concussive force he was like running it underwater and uh i've always just been scared shitless of those fucking things i hated i i've just not into him it's like i i just knew how stupid i was and then i had a low level of explosives and it's just like uh you know even without this i've done a lot of stupid you know falling off of cars you know riding on the hoods of cars hammered with my friends and then they're

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like just the dumbest, like jumping off of high things into the snow thinking it wouldn't hurt. And like all of those things. And I realized now all of it was because of fucking some sort of needing to be cool, needing acceptance. You know, my mom moved me and I fucking wanted to get kicked out of school. And I fucking hated it because I had friends. I was playing football. Girls liked me.

And then she moved me up to the country and I was fucking devastated. So I took bottle rockets on the bus and i put them out of the back and i just started lighting them so they fly at cars and i fucking did that and they called me into the principal's office and they fucking knew they were like they were like my mom's like he wants out of here like he wants out that's why he's doing it so they ended up just suspending me and uh the fucking car is gonna burn this bus down if we don't get him out of this school yeah and then i said i'm not going to school i say you can't make me go to school and they go actually at your age they can there's something called like a pins petition where like they'll

take you and send you someone so you can't if you're not of 16 you have to be 16 years old to drop out right and 16 to let you fuck your life up yeah at 16 you could say i'm done go get your gd or whatever if you're 14 15 and you refuse to go to school they'll like send you some so like i i was against it so i just had to accept it um and uh yeah man and i rebelled i would drink because because like sports turned into drinking and hanging out and partying and doing stupid shit and trying to impress the older kids and older kids loved me my whole life all my friends were older than me every one of my friends growing up was older than me because the older kids fucking loved me and the older kids loved me because they were like dude watch this kid watch this kid's fucking wild i was a fucking moron you know i was a moron and i was doing older kid shit

so i would drink with them you know i would smoke weed and i'm like the young dick started shooting smack you know older people stuff I fake my ID so I can get an AARP card I got in the movies half price dude here's a story for you I'm driving drunk with three of my buddies in the car

I'm probably not drunk buzzed stupid at the time 90s I shouldn't have been driving and i have a fucking chalked id my license is chalked and like bad chalked like what is shocked me you wrote it over the lamination or a chalk yeah chalked license is like you get the thing and you just try to make the number but it's like it's uh i remember my buddies would do it and be all peeled up on one side and they try to glue it back no we would

have these pencils and they could find like tip pencils and they would get the color to match it and over the lamination they would try to make it look as good as possible dude hand to god there's a true story i'm thinking about my friends laughing right now we put i swear to god i'm driving and i'm buzzed and my buddy goes we're going we were going to a strip club we're going to the strip club called uh smiles it was called great and he goes he goes uh where is it and he goes go go make a left so I put my blinker on left and I make a right. There's a cop behind us. Cop pulled us over. And my buddy starts going, it's over.

It's over, dude. We're going. And I am fucking terrified. I have a chalked license. I've been drinking. I'm going to a strip club. I'm underage. And I got my friends in the car.

Hand to God, cop comes to the thing. He goes, where are you guys going? Everything like that. You know, he's a guy, man, you put your blinker on one way. You went the other way. I'm like, yeah, dude, I know. I go, I have one friend told me one way or the other. I'm so sorry. This and that. And he goes, where are you guys headed? And I go, honestly, man, we're going to the strip club. Swear to God. He goes, all right, man, be careful. Next time. Get out of here. Didn't ask for it. Didn't ask for it. He just, he just saw that that happened, dude. And we always talked about the charmed life of Paul Verzi. Do you know what happened? I would have had, I would have gotten a dewey. I would have gotten a fucking, my license was manipulated. So that's another fucking,

that's an, I would have been fucked there you go kids honesty officer we are going to go look at some titties he gets lied to all day long yeah all day long and somebody just tells him the truth i don't know i used to wait when i was like 19 or 20 before i turned i used to do this thing it would work maybe 10 of the time someone would card me and i just give them my real id so what they're doing is they're looking for a fake oh okay thinking there's no obviously whatever i'm going to hand you is going to say i'm of age so every like one out of ten guys wouldn't look i mean one guy was saying like says you're 19 years old and i was just like oh

yeah he goes the out of here i was hoping you wouldn't notice i got the seal of commonwealth of massachusetts it actually worked i i got it to work like three times out of maybe i don't know about 25 times of doing it i used to like doing it just to see because it's like like three times out of maybe, I don't know, about 25 times of doing it. I used to like doing it just to see because it's like one of those things that, you know, when you walk out of Home Depot and that person's checking the receipt and they just draw a line on it. Like they're not looking at everything in your cart once you bought too much shit. No. I was hoping I could with like that sort of mentality.

Were you a kid that got in trouble a lot or no um class clown shit but not like trouble trouble i didn't like uh you know it was it was a couple of things that i did or whatever but like not um well one thing the cops were involved but my friends covered for me because they weren't sure if there was two or three people in the car and uh one of the guys was the guy that went in the store the other guy was his parents car good friend and i was the one yeah i was the one that pulled the kid into the car but they were chasing him out um i'll never forget it dude like this fucking fat lady chasing my friend out and he's fucking looking back at her like an idiot and then as he was

driving away i remember her yelling out the license plate number she's like i got it i got it it's just sitting there going oh no i did shit that was so bad sometimes but then i did shit that was so bad sometimes, but then I did shit that was bad. My mother, my mother laughed at, I did shit that was so fucking wild sometimes that my mother would laugh at the report as trying to discipline me. And it was my favorite thing because like my mom and I went through some shit when I was younger and she would be, I can't believe you fucking did this. And, uh, I remember one time I stole and I saw her on the

surveillance coming, holding my little brother and sister. They were like fucking babies. And she's just walking one in one hand, one of the other. And she just walked in and she goes, somebody goes, dude, I never been caught stealing. I go, I never been fucking caught stealing. Let's go. And we go to fucking shop, right? And I'm putting fucking Newport cigarettes down my pants and shit. And the guy just fucking grabbed me and yanked me. But one time I made my mother laugh. We're shooting spit balls at the fucking teacher in junior high. And they're just fucking hitting the, they're just fucking pinning the fucking chalkboard, just pinning it. Right. He's going, all right. His name was rest his soul his name was

mr howard rest actually i shouldn't i don't know rest his soul i'm imagining but he was you know he's just like just big features ears everything guy looked like he was made out of clay right he's dead and he just uh people just can tell and they're not gonna make 60. and he just goes oh this was dude this was literally like 30 years. And he's gone. Who's? And he turns around. Me and my friends were just laughing. I'm in the bedroom. Right.

We spit. Right, dude. My mother has the report still in a box, I believe. He goes, I don't want anybody. And he talked real slow. I don't want anybody. I spit a spitball. I swear to God, it curved and stuck on his cheek while he was yelling at us

and my fucking friend frankie flew out of his seat everyone lost their shit he goes oh it was a fucking big white spitball right here and he's fucking yelling at me dude with it on and then he finally got it off and i got to detention and my mother was like you did what and she read like the with the write-up and my mother just i don't know why she just fucking bursted out laughing while she was yelling at me she's like you can't fuck what are you what are you not it's stuck on his cheek she just burst but i was never a bad. But here's the thing. I was never a bad kid that disrespected elders.

I was just a dummy. You was fucking spitting on this guy in front of the whole class. I was spit balls, dude. That's like kids. You're fucking saliva on it. It's fucking nasty. I know. But, dude, like it was like the late 80s.

It starts with the fucking gun safety and now a spitball is not really spitting on a guy. I think a spitball for a sixth grader doesn't mean you're a bad kid. I think it means you're an asshole. That's weird, but I actually agree with that. You're an asshole. If you're high school level, then you're spitting on me.

If you're high school or college, put it this way, if you do a spitball in college you should just you're you're at a community college there's no dorms you drive you drive to school and then you drive to college and you go home spitballs uh dude i can't believe we're almost 50 minutes in so let's talk about this uh finals game one last night no we're 40 then we started 207 we're 40 minutes in so let's talk about this uh finals game one last night no we're 40 man we started 207 we're 40 minutes in oh okay come on come on i know you didn't sit balls the whole fucking time

i got talk about it man the phoenix suns of the milwaukee bucks i love it i love it the pile on teams they got injured they had no fucking heart and they're out. They're out. Yeah, but dude. They'll be back next year, but you know. I think the Suns, man, like it's going to be tough, dude. Bucks look bad. Defense looked bad. Suns looked fast. Suns just had a lot of playmakers. They're on the same page, better coached. Well, listen, Paul, I got to tell you this. I've watched my team in the finals a lot. So you've never seen your team in the finals? Once? Yes, I have. 99.

How old are you? I'm 94, twice. How old are you? What? How old are you? I'm 42. Oh, you got issues with your age. All right, Paul, he's 39.

In four decades, you've seen it twice. I remember, like, in 84, the Lakers kicked the shit out of us. And we just, they looked like they were going to sweep us. And then Larry Bird said we played like a bunch of sissies. And then they clotheslined Kurt Rambis back when you could do some shit like that. And then we won it. Still took us seven games. And then we won it. Still took us seven games. And then I remember the next year in 85, we played them. It was the exact same thing.

Like both teams won by like 25 or 30. Both game ones were a blowout. And the team that got blown out came back and won. So- Came back and won the series. Yes. I wonder what that percentage is. the series yes i wonder what that percentage is losing game one of the finals who wins that series i wonder what that would be because i don't understand how that those percentages what they have to do unless it was the exact same people playing and then you factor in age because they're a year older. Like when they sit there and they go like, you know, they, you know, whatever. They're 12 and 2 when it's fucking over 70 degrees and fucking blah, blah, blah. It's just like historically, when they go historically.

I can see if you're talking about a specific team. Like this year, they play better on grass than they do on turf, even if there's any turf left. I get that because it's the same team pool. But now you're just talking about it. You start going historically. You're just talking about a uniform. The people that wore this uniform or if you're talking about the final

or whatever. I never get into that because you can't measure. It's good. I mean, there's all these factors. Coaches, heart, you know, the level of drive of the best player on the fucking team is something around i don't think it's like a mathematical thing i always always hated that thing where it's just like you know you the first two games of europe in your building and then they they went you in game one they went game two it's like oh no they got home court Yeah, if you start counting now.

Right, right. Yeah. It's like people go, bad things happen in threes. It's like, no, you stop after three and go back to one. You could say bad things happen in 18s. Just hang around. Yeah. See, told you.

There's 18. Now we're starting over again. Yeah. I think the only time the percentage works is when it's three games which is obvious you know that that's a statistic that holds if you're down three games to oh uh you know with the exception of the red stocks i know but the the flyers did it to the bru. It's happened a couple of times in hockey. Hockey, you're for some reason. I was just talking about this. Simone Gagne came back for the Flyers and David Craigie got hurt.

And it was just that tip of the scale, man. And they went on a fucking run and just fucking smoked us four straight games. Yeah. That was it. I don't know. Next year we won the cup and the Flyers are still waiting. So it had a happy ending. I don't know, man, why people say things like that.

Like Joe Torre always said game two and five of a series were the most important. Hey, that's a guy that won five, so I don't know, but he always said that. I don't know. I would go with what Joe Torre says over what a stand up comedian says. So don't listen to me. I'd listen to Joe Torre. But I would love to have him on if he's watching. Yeah. But what about. Oh, that would be great, dude. I actually did. I stood next. I was in a stop and shop with him or a supermarket and he's in front of me and he's literally literally like was a retired already and he's in front of me and i'm putting my items on and he's there and she goes do you have your card

like you know the card that they sweep he goes no i don't have it on me and i go i mean you can use mine just use mine and he was just but i he had he was going through like chemo and shit at the time he looked like he looked all he had prostate cancer i believe well he was going to sloan kettering oh yeah yeah yeah no um i always wanted to ask him when you guys would be in those big games those big game situations and he would just be sitting there like stoic no emotion on his face hand in his pocket don zimmer rest his soul sitting next to him um like i always wanted to ask him like internally was your stomach doing somersaults and by the way dude how fucking cool would it have been to sit with him and don zimmer and talk baseball like people who are really into baseball.

Don Zimmer essentially was the history of baseball. Yeah, he played on the 55 Brooklyn Dodgers that finally got through the bums and won a title. He played during like during Willie Mickey and Duke Schneider. He played during that era and went right into coaching, was in baseball 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s, and into the 2000s. I think six decades. Like I think he has to be in the Hall of Fame as like an ambassador, right? But the Hall of Fame is just so fucking –

You can become a test pilot easier than getting the baseball hall of fame it seems yeah especially during that gap we watched because they there's guys that just aren't getting in that deserve to be in and the writers just won't give it to a guy you know barry bonds and a rod i don't understand how the the the cunty writers the guys not picked in gym class i know but then like part of getting into the hall of fame is you have to be nice to them after your interview or else they might get petty i'm not voting for that fucking guy you know what he did to me one time when i was working in cincinnati yeah i don't know what he did but i saw what he did to the fucking baseball that's why mariano rivera is the only baseball player in history to get a

unanimous hall of fame, which means, which means Derek Jeter didn't, which means, you know, all these guys did. Derek Jeter, not unanimously.

And he wasn't, he wasn't because somewhere along the line, the knock against him. Well, he probably fucked the guy's girlfriend. He wasn't because somewhere along the line. What was the knock against him? Well, he probably fucked the guy's girlfriend. Gave her a gift bag better than anything this guy ever got her for Christmas.

Yeah. He just gave her on a random Tuesday. There you go, sweetheart. You never know. You could have one of those nerdy fucking writers' wives go, Oh, Derek, I see how the ladies like him. Next thing you know, done. Fucking seriously, that shit happens.

Well, in defense of sports writers, that also happens with NFL commissioners when they get a bug up their ass about your fucking team or something. It's just how it is. People in power get, you know, if you're a person in power and you let your emotions get to you, how funny is that? Me, can't control his emotions. Yeah, you can really i don't know you're gonna you can affect some

shit put it that way yeah it's it's i uh i think it was the setup of that statement and then just sort of trickled away it's nothing i'll tell you you're a person of power you get the emotion so bill are you saying are you saying bill that even though the milwaukee bucks defense looked terrible in game one and the suns had control of that game the milwaukee bucks are going to win this thing i'm saying they absolutely could i mean this is the phoenix suns we're talking about here people it is true is true. Yeah, I mean, you know, they almost lost to the Clippers. Andrew, you got to be going for the Greek, the original Greek freak. You got to be going for Giannis. Yeah, I mean, I just like Milwaukee anyways more than I like the Suns.

I haven't liked the Suns since Steve Nash. I kind of really like both teams. I really like both teams. I really like both teams. But if I had to pick a city, like Milwaukee is one of my favorite cities in the country. Milwaukee is one of the best comedy crowds I've ever been around. It's the best. Best steam room, the brats, the fucking champagne of beers. They got their headquarters right there.

You're right on Lake Michigan, just like Chicago, without all the traffic. Milwaukee's so great. Remember that cigar thing? They opened it. It was incredible. I used to like the sun. The best steam I've ever fucking been in. I mean, that was beyond a steam.

That was fucking. I got to plug this puppy in. That was fucking nuts. Dude, that steam steam they gave you a glass room with like a bed in it it was not they had that old school shower you just pulled the thing down oh man yeah remember i'd go in that shower ah ah dude i couldn't handle i don't know how you guys didn't fuck uh burr and bartnick and all these guys they would go in the ice cold and you wouldn't hear a peep it was ridiculous for me it was like torture it was it

was it was so cool i was going oh dude i dreaded it we used to always go on the road and then we would you know me and bartnick would go to gym the gym, and then Versi would show up for the steam afterwards, right? That's basically what it was. And then we would take a steam. He'd be like, no, I'm eating good. I'm eating good. I'm having a salad. I'm eating good.

We'd take a steam, and then, like, afterwards, you know, you're supposed to take a cold shower because all the toxins are sitting on your skin, and, you know, you'll absorb it like a sponge back in and sort of negate a lot of the steam right you're supposed to take an ice cold shower and dude you would always get in that i just hear you down the down the thing just go me and barnick would just be laughing i would count to ten cold and uncomfortable for me but i just willed myself not to make... You were expressing what I was feeling anyway.

But Bartnik's like a great white shark. I think he actually likes cold water. Yeah, but... Dude, I used to like the Phoenix Suns until Stacey was five months pregnant with Lucas and a guy bumped into her trying to get a t-shirt and we almost fucking killed him it was really bad it was the day Obama got inaugurated the the first time he got elected he got inaugurated and we went to the

Knicks game and she's five months pregnant and they threw a t-shirt from the cannon and I actually caught it in my hands and this drunk asshole, knocked it out of my hands, made it fall forward. And he bumped into my pregnant wife. And, dude, there was fucking tension. And then the only thing I'll give him is during, like, the next five minutes, he, like, leaned over and, like, tapped her, like, and just goes, like, you okay? Like, I'm sorry.

Like, he did it on his thing because he didn't want me to see and then we had this like stare down as he left and there's like italian guy behind us he goes oh easy easy guys easy guys you know obama he was like being sarcastic because obama got elected let's keep everything nice that must have been his second time obama got in in 09. Obama got in. Was it with your first kid? It was with your first kid. It was Lucas. Oh, it was your first kid. She was five months pregnant with Lucas.

It was 08. 08. Oh, Jesus. It was 08 against the Suns. But, you know, it's hard to put that against the Suns. You know, it's hard to not like a team because a guy bumped into my wife like a billion blood paul i'm sure you can make you can find many reasons yeah it sticks i'm trying to work that out man i want to work that out in my life i just don't

know if i can work what out i want to work i it's almost like a curse, dude. I got a family member. I got a family member who told me something once and it hit me later why they told me. They told me somebody. I'm going to try to put this into I'm going to try to say this like a like a put the pieces of a puzzle together. somebody told me once I was at, I was at a gathering. I was at a home for a party at night and people are drinking wine, having a good time. And some guy walked in and the guy walked in and he's like looking around and he's like, where's so-and-so. And he's asking for the host of the party. Right. And it was a woman. He's like, Oh, where's so-'re so it's when he walked in way too way too like i already don't like this guy i get what you're saying go ahead he's coming hey we're so so like one of these you know and it's jersey you know so uh he goes to new jersey calver, not a fan. Hey, dude. No, no, no, no. So I'm with this woman later at another date.

And we're at a gathering. And she goes, hey, remember that guy that came in? Don't mention anything because they like him. They're friends of them. And it made me realize what it really was. What it really was was that guy was fucking her because you don't walk into a house like that i know for a fact that and i've never found out confirmation back up a second i was thinking about leslie nielsen going strike two wait how did you figure this out listen

guy walks into her house guy walks into a house guy walks into her house now this woman i knew this woman this woman was this woman was uh somebody associated with my family and she was you know in a relationship at the time and this guy other guy walks into this party real and he's and he's walking in like it was good and he and a man does not go into a woman's house when she's with another man and behave that way unless they're either super super close related or something's going on but then what confirmed it for me was i was at another gathering and she said to me hey remember that guy yeah don't say anything bad about that guy because they're all friends with him but what it really was was it was because that that I knew what that meant and what that meant was in my opinion I don't have confirmation how did they know that you knew

huh how did they know that you knew uh because I was just like I said something like dude what was with that guy who walked into that house acting like that? Like that guy was a typical drunk asshole. Like I was kind of vocal about the guy's behavior, but then I put it together. I go, oh, I see. I see. I'm over these people.

And that poor bastard, and that poor bastard she was living with had no fucking idea that she was dating, had no fucking idea that this guy's coming in but that's the sicilian gene i could see it all i could see it all i've been a good concert i would have been a good don a little emotional though you'd been a better don because you i would have been more like you're too nice to be a don i would have been like so you'd be like you would have been like michael quiet closed you know i would have been a, so you'd be like, you would have been like Michael. Quiet, closed door, you know? I would have been a little bit hotheaded if I was a doctor.

I do not have the stomach for that fucking shit on any level. So how old were these people? Let's say 40s. Yeah. And she worked with them, I think. And I just realized he's drunk. I couldn't tell just an asshole, dude. It's hard to differentiate drunk or Jersey because it's similar. Wow. That guy just coming in with that energy. He had that energy of like something you don't go into someone's house like that i remember being like whoa like looking in yeah like looking in rooms and shit yeah

oh he was familiar he was familiar yeah yeah it felt like the fridge knows right where the orange juice is shit like that it's this guy but guy? But with arrogance to it. Like it wasn't even that. And then hearing, hey, don't mention anything about that because everybody kind of liked that. And I was like, oh, I get it. And nobody to this day knows that I know that. So I'm, I know.

Well, I mean, I use no names. I said somebody in a relationship, you know what? Nobody knows. If they know, what could I do? You know what I mean? Should we take this out? I think the only people that would know would be the people that already knew. Yeah, we don't need to take this out, right?

No. No. We don't need to take this out. No, no, because none of those people. I would be more concerned about you talking shit about that fucking lunatic up the street from you that's a problem in the neighborhood dude and i don't want my children or anybody involved with it so you know you got how funny if he's just an angry asshole you got i mean you can have a good time with that guy i'm gonna walk lloyd over there after this podcast see what's going on dude you gotta send them balloons anonymously oh my god yeah he's got a lexus he's got a lexus

truck so we got that in common so I'll maybe just be like hey dude what year is that dance of butte you know be like I got one It's a 2000 go fuck yourself. I should put my phone out and record and just be like, hey, man, how you doing? Beautiful truck. We got a Lexus, too. You enjoy it? And just have him be like, go fuck yourself. Dude, I want to see that and just make a whole bunch of clips called Angry Neighbor.

Hey, Mark, the lawn looks great. Fuck you. Yo, man. No no he's not even close to me happy birthday get the fuck off my lawn you just gotta yeah dude this is a problem man but he's not close to me thank god he's he's not close to me what would make you that anti-social dude he had people show up with a cake saying oh welcome to the neighborhood he goes i don't do that here just get off my property and don't ever talk to me when you see me i mean i always respect somebody that knows what they want and they say it but that is just like no dude that's something's wrong with that i think there's a mental something's wrong with that this is dead you know no but i mean something like i mean who's

the biggest you ever met still wouldn't do that the biggest dickhead you would know the biggest you ever met in your life wouldn't go hey man just don't ever talk to me get off my like that's up i think there's an anti-social something's like there's an issue mentally i think i think it's an illness i don't know you're going out on a limb there paul um i think uh i wanted to it's asshole i haven't met i mean there's like so many like i gotta like you gotta catch this the passive aggressive passive aggressive ones uh and then there's the women assholes who are just a whole other category because you can't even hold them accountable. Right.

But none of those assholes would do what he did. Not one of those assholes would go, hey, I don't care about the cake or the neighbors. Just get the fuck out of here. Never talk to me. That reminds me of that character in Stripes. Francis the psycho. Yeah, it's been a while you call me psycho yeah you guys call me francis and i'll kill you another thing i don't like being touched any you homos start touching me and i'll kill you i think that's who you got you got francis moved in up the

street yeah he's dude he looked he freaked me out the way he looked because we drove by and he just had like this black hair and he was just holding the hose on his lawn and he was he was just staring there like the killer michael myers as he was i don't know what's going on with this guy i don't know what you just gotta drive this guy. I don't know what. You just got to drive by laughing at him. But you also do. You have no idea. This guy could be ready to fucking snap.

You know, and just let him pick enough. Let him pick a different house. Yeah, we're far. I love that other guy. Good. Step on your property. My property. I'll fucking shoot you.

That other guy was like, yeah, because I think everyone in the neighborhood not one person everybody knows they're like dude you hear about that like it's almost like it's almost like you know he's like the dog in sandlot did you ever see sandlot with all the kids where they were all afraid of like that's what this is just a human form of like you go by his house like did you see him did you there's a story about a guy that was such a fucking asshole i believe it was in missouri that the whole town was so sick of this guy intimidating people and like doing shit assaulting people and all of that that basically these two guys or three guys killed them and the whole town agreed to keep

their mouth shut and they did and they can't solve it and they know that somebody in the town killed the guy and that's still real right now yeah wow oh let me look that up real quick uh Town keeps mouth shut after murder. That's fantastic. I want to say it was Missouri. There must be a movie about that. I don't think it is. I can't spell Missouri.

Town mute for 30 years about a bully's killing no this is new york wow i guess a lot of towns can keep their fucking mouth shut dude there's a whole bunch oh no skidmore missouri no one saw a thing it was i think the name of the uh wait is this a movie i got it right here the murder of ken rex mack mackleroy took place in plain of a view of dozens of residents of this small farm town. You don't want to fuck with farmers, dude. No, dude. Their tools can either feed you for life or take your life. Under the glare of the morning sun, but in a dramatic act of solidarity with gunmen, every witness, save the dead man's wife, denied seeing who had pulled the trigger.

The killing was a shocking end for a notoriously brutal man who had terrorized the area for years with seeming impunity from the law until he was struck down in a moment of vigilante justice. It was also the first major case of a young county prosecutor not far removed from law school just months into the job who said he was confident that the case would be solved but silence of the townspeople held now nearly 30 years later that prosecute david a brayard is preparing to leave office with his first and most famous case still unsolved last paragraph no one has ever been brought to trial in mr mcelroy's death and although there is no statute of limitations on murder, most people around here suspect that no one ever will be.

I mean, dude, that guy's like an asshole's asshole right there. If you're such an asshole, the whole town agrees to look the other way when you're murdered. And not because they're worried about ratting you out because you're such an asshole. That's amazing. I bet you the guy that did it just like, yeah, if I was a detective who's getting free beers at the bar, the guy walks in, goes like that. You know that the guy who did it is like, thinks he's the shit, you know, gets drunk. Nah, because you got to live with it, dude.

Yeah. You still have to live with the fact you took somebody's life and then you got to sit there if you're a religious person be wondering how that plays out because I bet whoever did it right now is like man he would have been dead by now I should just let nature take its course can I kind of let my emotions get the best of me for but for a whole town to say nothing knowing that because i bet you they all are religious in a farm town and for that guy they must have looked at that guy literally like the devil dude for a whole town women men everybody you know probably kids heard stories collectively as a group break the fifth commandment dude that's like that guy must have been fucking into some heavy they did that movie about those

women that one woman was getting raped and she killed the guy and put him in the trunk and she fucking threw him in the water she threw him off a cliff in the water and then everybody started realizing that that guy was raping everybody and the whole town knew who did it and they just let it go it was like kind of a similar thing but i didn't know that that was real i didn't know that that was real the shit that you said that's fucking what town missouri yeah it was someplace in missouri uh wow man skidmore skidmore missouri holy shit what year was 30 years ago i don't know what year that was written 82 i think it happened so now it's like 40 years holy shit man that's why you always tip the wait staff i'm trying to think of like the biggest asshole I ever met.

And I, I, the biggest asshole I ever met. I, I don't, I think it's hearing this guy. I think it's hearing this neighbor. I think this is the one that like I've.

So it gets about an hour and a half North of Kansas city. Could you imagine being like, Hey man, dude, somebody lost a dog up here. You didn't happen to see like a black lab running around and he turns his back and crosses his arms and goes go fuck yourself that's like some fucking next like like i don't i do that's why i'm intrigued like i'm intrigued i

know but curiosity killed it i'd be honest with you i've been joking on this part i'd stay away from that guy yeah yeah yeah no that's what my wife said my wife said especially with this podcast on record then it's just a guy and he was talking about it a week before like you know you know no i don't i don't i just want to find out he asked for it he said he was going to walk the dog by he didn't even live right there no i'm not going to walk the dog and then i get called to testify yeah it was a joke we were joking around i mean he's got to walk his dog somewhere why did he have to go up the block why didn't he go down the block and he's not on my block i want nothing to do with this guy i just do what i will say no i will say

this though i will say that if i if i found out the guy yelled at my kids i'm gonna say something that's all you don't yell at my fucking kids because you're a fucking mentally ill psychopath. You know what I mean? Because, you know, I don't give a fuck. All right. Right. You're saying too much here, Paul. Yeah. So anyway, listen, this has been another great episode. Hey, listen, does anybody have neighbors that you want to write in if you have if you guys want to write in about a crazy. But here's the thing, dude. And this is why when i looked at real estate i told my wife i wanted to be even more secluded the house that i lived in stacy was like paul like if we got hurt it would take us like i wanted to be fucking away dude i was like there was a hill it was like far and stacy's like dude i don't want

to do that i know we'll get a dog we'll fuck and she's like Paul we're like we have no neighbors here and we didn't do it but there's something to be said about seeing fucking nobody seeing nobody I don't want to be around I want to see any fucking body because I don't know how sick and mentally fucked up these people are people are fucked up man they are and I don't want to be around them and I don't want my fucking kids to be around them I want my dog to be around them I don't want anything i love being around that sickness you know what i mean maybe your neighbor thinks the same thing he's just a little further down that road and he can't afford that piece of property in the middle of nowhere so now don't talk to me get away i don't even you. Where's the dog? Go fuck yourself.

I think the funniest thing is holding a cake. I just think somebody came over with a cake or a plate of cookies excited. Or what if they baked it? You know what's funny? Then they got to eat it. Go back to the house and they're eating it just remembering these are the cookies I baked for that fucking guy. You're having this sweet uh treat that reminds you of this asshole up the street guy missed out this is a nice sponge cake

yeah man like i don't know i don't need to figure out a way to get him to need to talk to you just so that you can say like have the mailman tell him like some important mail went to your house and when he comes to your house just be like i don't want to talk to you and just how funny would it be if he was at my fourth of july party next year like i was this guy's great i don't know what the fuck everyone was talking about i get it i get he doesn't want to fuck no i yeah then i woke up hey how's it going yeah go yourself that's the guy that's the guy yeah dude like that guy sounds like he i don't know like prison or some something did that i i wouldn't with that guy at all no uh i actually one guy said he saw

him one time somewhere out in public actually being decent. So like, I want to, I, you know, who knows, who knows. But as far as neighbors go, he just doesn't want to be involved with neighbors. He doesn't want you near his house or his lawn. Get the dog. I want Lloyd to take a shit on his fucking lawn. I know. I know.

Listen, my wife yelled at me. She was was right I don't need that in my life no you don't I don't need that in my life but it was so funny watching after this podcast watching this Italian kid walk up his lawn with a with a fucking horn oh it was so fucking great it was just so great um but I'm going to say, let's do picks here. Let's do picks. Okay? Yep. Giannis is healthy.

He got 20 and 17 last night, which is a great line, actually. I think, do the Bucs, you want to take the Suns and I'll take the Bucs? Or what do you want to do? No, I want to take the Bucs. I the bucks or what do you want to do no i want to take the bucks i like milwaukee that's my city man i love that place you know i can't bet against them because i i don't want to see i'm not a fan of oh but you're you're you're a greek yeah it's hard you got it all right all right all right all right but you know i'll take the sons from you know larry nance way back in the day, all those great Phoenix Suns. Who was it? Larry Nance.

Who else? Well, Charles Barkley, Dan Marley. Was it KJ or something? What's the guy's name? Who's the guy? Point guard. Oh, what about Cedric Sabalis? You remember Cedric Sabalis?

No, but I remember Dan Marley. Dan Marley. Who was the other guy charles barkley tom chambers tom chambers you remember tom chambers all the c's calbert cheney did he play with them no um who wait who was their uh who was their point guard jackson or something uh don't know those Barkley teams. One of the premier point guards in the fucking league. Oh, KJ, Kevin Johnson.

Yeah, Kevin Johnson. It was KJ. I couldn't remember his name. Kevin Johnson. Dude, that team got to the finals in 93. Yeah. That team came fucking close, dude. That was a – who beat them?

Who beat them in 93? If you lost in the 90s, you lost to the Bulls, except for those two years with the. Except 90 and 91, 90. No. 90, the Pistons won. Yeah, but 94, 95 was Houston. And then 99 was the Spurs. But I mean, the other six were the Bulls.

Yep. Spurs, the Spurs. But, I mean, the other six were the Bulls. Yep. Spurs beat my Knicks in five with Latrell Sprewell. That was Sprewell years. Yep. The big fundamental. Yep. Celtics wanted him so bad. What a great player.

What a great power forward. One of the best. One of the best one of the best dude i've never seen a guy with a hairline what a fucking hairline you guys fucking hairline comes like down or am i thinking brad doherty through brad doherty both of them it's like the hairline it like goes down all the way down to here it's just above the eyebrows you know what i want to do i never got to do man i never got to go to nascar and i was watching uh something i want us to do that dude i want to see those cars fly by i would love to do that like i went to date i went with nate bargotzi we went to the daytona 500 in talladega can you smoke that's the fastest fucking track out there can you smoke a stick while you watch that

uh while you hold a pistol i think i'm not sure it's fucking nascar man hold a mortar yeah what would you do oh give your life for freedom dude i want to get fun man what tell me the ones a bunch of fucking you know aristocratic fucking people you can have that if you want if you like that whole thing you can go all the way down to fucking dirt tracks and fucking lunatics tractor pulls it's fun to be had at all those things and you can get fucking ripped and nobody gives a shit i want to go to like a nice like nice like some something like you went to like a daytona 500 something like that that would be nuts dude and just like bet on a car you could gamble on

that shit right yeah no you bet on all you that you do is you go there say that i don't know how many cars are there's 30 cars you got five people with you you just draw out of a hat. Everybody gets six cars. Oh, dude, that's awesome. Yeah. And then you come up with ways like breaks in the race. Like, you know, I would just, if it's a 500 mile race, I would break it down. Whoever's leading on the hundredth lap, 50th lap, just to keep it interesting.

Yeah. This is long fucking time, dude. And if one of your cars blows out a tire or is out of the race, you got to give back something like there could be cool shit like that. Like everybody throws in a hundred. Like when me and you were at the masters, if your guy gets a fucking hole in one. Yeah.

You can come up with a zillion ways to carve that up to, to gamble on it. Now is there like when you were there, is there like, like concessions and beers? Like, I never see, like, when you're sitting in the thing, there's so many people, like, you have to get up. Underneath, yeah, you're not going to have... You got to go get...

You ever go run in the woods and take a leak and then try to grab a water bottle out of the truck? Yeah, I don't see any guys. Pretzels here. Yeah, no, it's not like that. It's, like, it's usually underneath, and you kind of have to go underneath because it gets fucking hot as hell after a while, you know. I forget what month of the year Talladega was,

but Daytona, like they start off with their Super Bowl, they always say. Like that's like February. So, anyways, I got to run here. I got some shit I got to go do. Sorry, Paul. Oh, shit. No, it's fine. All right, we'll to run here. I got some shit I got to go do. Sorry, Paul. Oh, shit. No, that's fine. All right.

We'll wrap this puppy. We'll put a bow on this puppy. Go fuck yourself. I'm just curious. I'm just curious. I want to know why somebody would be like that. It is fascinating. It's fascinating, man.

It's fascinating. Hey, how you doing today? Fuck off. Like, that's nuts to me, man. It's fascinating. Hey, how you doing today? Fuck off. Like, that's nuts to me, man. All right, guys. All that need to be liked that we have, he has the reverse of that. A lot of people pretend like they don't give a fuck. I think that your neighbor truly does not give a fuck.

What does he do? No, first of all, he's not my neighbor. He's a couple blocks over, thank God god he's not even close to me but like what does he do on christmas when his family comes over look at that sicilian blood dragged you fucking three blocks over you don't even fucking live they're just looking for a fight i just thought of the funniest shit christmas carolers like kids from the church it's like it's like eight little kids from the church like sigh don't fuck mommy mommy that man oh shit dude that's fuck yeah dude maybe that's the prank dude send some carolers over to his house during the holiday season.

Dude, just send like fucking 12, 8-year-olds to sing the most unbelievably somber. Just look at it. Just have somebody record him from the distance. Oh, Liz, come get the fuck off my yard. All right, guys. Well, there's been episode. Do you hire me? You go, you don't get paid unless you finish the song. Yeah, that's it.

Dude, I'd be scared. I would actually be scared for that. But anyway, if anything happens, I will continue the saga on the podcast if I hear anything. But I will say this for the record. I am not fucking getting involved. I know you have a great life. OK. Anyways, guys, July 23rd, guys, July 23rd, the Connecticut Comedy Festival in Fairfield.

I'll be at the Shoe Theater. That's S.H.U., the Sacred Heart Community Theater, July 23rd. July 30th through the 31st, Zany's. I'm doing the Late Show Friday, Late Show Saturday, Zany's in Nashville. I think I'm going to be in Omaha, Nebraska, August 6th and 7th. And I will be at Wise Guys in Salt Lake City, September 3rd and 4th. And we are shooting the special mid-September. We're getting confirmation next week.

Go to paulverzi.com for all of those dates. Bill? I will be at the fucking... I know I got something in August. It's not up here. Foxwoods. Foxwoods in August, yeah. Foxwoods in August. It's not up here. Foxwoods. Foxwoods in August.

I'll be in Long Beach October 21st through the 23rd. Through the 20... Yeah. 23rd, I think. Oh, there it is. August 28th, I got Hollywood, Florida.

And August 13th, I'm at Foxwoods fucking casino, dude. Oh, dude, I'm gonna come out and smoke a stick with you over there. I'm at Foxwoods fucking casino, dude. Oh, dude, I'm going to come out and smoke a stick with you over there. I'm only like an hour and a half away from Foxwoods. Really? Yeah, we'll go down to the casino, guy. Listen. Maybe I'll throw you on the show. Hey, man, we're

going to hang out. No. Also, we're going to talk. I'm coming out there. We're going to do some of this podcast. We're going to do a couple of these poppies in the studio. Yeah, we're going to talk. I'm coming out there. We're going to do some of this podcast. We're going to do a couple of these puppies in the studio. We're going to have a good time out there. Yeah, and we're going to have a nice time out there. So there you go, guys. This has been episode 23.

Have a great one. Until next week, we are out of here. We'll talk to you soon. Thank you.