Anything Better? - Norm Macdonald

Episode Date: September 18, 2021

what's up everybody and welcome back to the anything better podcast with myself paul bursey bill burr producer andrew themless and you guys are listening to episode patrick ewing 33 everybody 33, everybody. Patrick Ewing before Larry Bird? Come on. I know, I know. Listen, Larry Bird, Patrick Ewing, 33 is a great one. Tony Dorsett. Yeah, 33 is a great number. It's a great number.

Are we going to give them their due here? Are we going to give them their due? I didn't look this shit up because we're all excited about NFL football. We start every episode talking about the greats that wore the number, Paul, we have to do it. We have athletes to wear number 33. Here we go. Quick list. Beth athletes to wear 33 ranker. We'll do the top 10, Paul. Number one, Larry Legend. All right, all right. I give it to him. He deserves it.

And Larry steals it over to DJ, lays it up, and then it's good. Oh, my God. This place is going crazy. Larry Legend. We played like a bunch of sissies. Moses Malone does eat shit. Number two, Paul. Kareem. Abdul.

Jabba. He deserves it. Come on, man. The guy won like four titles at UCLA. Pat's got to be in the top five. He never won a championship, Paul. He did it at Georgetown. Pat's got to be in the top five. He never won a championship, Paul.

He did it at Georgetown. And he went into that house of horrors. That basketball mecca. The world's most famous arena. Madison Square Garden. Number three. Scotty Pippen.

No! I got you. Damn it. Scottie Pippen. I guess he deserves it too. What could I say? Come on. How many rings?

Six-time NBA champion. Not one, Paul. Not two. Filled up this whole hand. Oh, look at this one over here. Six rings. Where is it? Number four, Patrick, your kilo Neil. This is like Dan Marino dropping down the draft. No, you keep standing up to hug your mom. Like you're going to gonna get drafted shaquille o'neal insult to injury paul no he was 33 on the phoenix suns uh no but that's are they really did they really put him there they do uh that's

he has a look on his face like it's towards the end of his career although it does say he's at the all-star game four-time nba champion uno cuatro. Well, you're not going to get me again. I'm not getting up again. So number five, don't do it. Don't do it. Is it of the greatest ever Patrick Ewing? There you go. All right. All right. He went to 11 All-Star games. All right. No. It's not his fault, dude. No, he went to a fight.

Goodwill hunting fault. It's not your fault. He went to the Knicks, dude. It's like being a quarterback. You go to the Lions. It's not your fault. Game seven. They havenicks, dude. It's like being a quarterback. You go to the Lions. It's not your fault. They haven't won since Herbert Hoover or Eisenhower out there. Number six, Frank Robinson, who Paul, this was an accurate list. He should have been ahead of Patrick Ewing. He went to 14 all-star games, two-time World Series championship with the Baltimore Orioles, 1966 and 1970.

85 years old. Number seven, Patrick Waugh. Yep. Changed the game, Paul. Butterfly. They were all standing up, Paul. They were all standing up playing goalie. Eddie Murray.

Great one. one of the scariest dudes ever coming to the plate you just knew what was going over the wall what do we got here number nine paul four spots behind patrick ewing earl the Pearl Monroe. Ooh. Okay. You don't want an NBA championship in 1973. Who won it in 73? Who won it in 73, the Knicks and they won it in 70 Knicks. Okay. That's right. 70 and 73, 70 and 73. And you know who the sixth man on that team was Bill Bradley, Bill Jackson, Phil Jackson, all right. Bill Bradley was a starter. He was a starter.

And number 10, Tony Dorsett. One of the greatest to ever do it. One of the most fluid runners you ever saw. Hang on, female listeners. Don't worry, we'll get to some. I haven't abandoned any sort of like, it's just cool chicks and guys watching this. All right. Well, let's get into NFL picks.

But before we get into NFL picks, we've got to say two things. Number one, thank everybody for listening to the Anything Better podcast. Please listen and get the Anything Better podcast, wherever you get your podcasts, iTunes, Spotify, leave comments and reviews. It makes the show move up and we really appreciate that. Hey, Paul, before we get comments and reviews. It makes the show move up. And we really appreciate that. Hey, Paul, before we get into the bets. Yeah. I'm just going to give a little quick story here for the ladies here. All right. I'm out on the road, Paul. And you know what I like

to do when I'm out on the road, Paul, for breakfast, I like to get a smoothie, you know, have a workout, take a soak, get us. If I drink a smoothie and it doesn't have a bunch of sugar in it then i'm not going to eat like a bunch of fucking crap all day and then get heckled as bill people call me billy bitch tits on stage which you know that doesn't help my show paul yeah so i do the whole you know hey siri where's the closest juice shop near me and she's just like high five juice shop near you right so the first one was called nectar or something like that so i go over there all set to get myself you know a nice protein shake or some shit like that and i go there it says that they're open and i open the fucking you know the door won't open up so of course

you know me paul how do i handle those moments in life right do i let him roll off my back no calmly what what often ducks back i just go you got to be me what the you can't do this to people and i was just like just relax and then i look up and i see that there's another juice spot a quarter of a mile further away from my hotel and I'm like all right that's cool so then you know it's like sort of like a half a mile walk half a mile back fine I'll get a nice mile walking and I'll drink a smoothie so I show up in the smoothies in a whole foods the juice shop and I find place. It wasn't too far in. I get in there. And as I'm walking up to it, I'm in Kansas city, Missouri right now, people need, and you know,

these, you know, these people don't believe in doctors. So the COVID shit's like got to fucking control. I know they're out here. Like I heard, if you know, on a, a fucking Yaks hoof, you know, there's enough protein in it. And in america just do it covid's been around since the civil war whatever the fuck they're saying out here right as they're filling up hospital beds telling me i don't know what i'm doing so i go in there in this covid friendly state and the guy i swear to god the guy this has like uh healthy lifestyle something about happiness so i thought it was a subtle you you should get the vaccine, little statement. And the guy making the juice, he's over in the corner.

He's got his back to me, all right? And he's by the trash can. I just see him going. He's got this fucking napkin, dude. And I look, he's spitting into the trash barrel sneezes again and then took like a brown look at a recycled napkin both fingers and jams them up as nostrils next to all of these healthy health health health jamming it up there I go Jesus fucking Christ through my math and I do when I walked away he was still sneezing Paul is there anything worse

than somebody who's fucking sick and he still goes to work because the bankers already have him so behind the fucking eight ball he doesn't have a choice and what makes it worse is he's dealing with people's food and what they consume i mean that's you know you can't do that dude and you can't have a mole either you can't have a boil i saw this guy working you can have a mole you can't have a boy no dude i went to go get a chicken cutlet with roasted red peppers and cheese and around this guy had a fucking knot on it. And I'm like, I'm not eating that dude. Guy's sweating. He had a Yankee hat down. He was

fucking fat. You can't be gross and handling. You can't be unsightly. I don't care what all these people who want to put, you know, unsightly people on billboards think. I don't mind if you want to put some fucking mess in a pair of jeans. I don't mind because they're not my jeans, okay? But the second you're a mess and you're handling my food or you're sick, you know? Food is off limits. I don't want somebody, like, I don't even like, and I don't mean to be disrespectful here. I don't like to be, I don't want to be disrespectful, but people that like me. I think you'd be a little disrespectful here.

No, no, but like, you know, like sometimes if people are like, this is going to come across bad, I understand, but there should be like, I saw somebody who's like, I don't know if they were like, you know, brain injured or, or mental, but like, dude, there was like pancake all over this guy's face. And he was like, and I was just like, I'm trying to eat, man. And it's almost like, I just feel like when it comes to eating, when it comes to eating, there needs to be like, I get sick, man. It should be a beauty contest. I don't care if they don't know how to cook.

If you're ugly, get you behind that swinging door. I don't want to see you. Dude, you ever see like somebody who literally looks like you could ring them out? Making whatever. I mean, from pimples to sweat to grease in their hair. It's just like, oh my God. You know what? That goes for me, too.

If I have a problem where I'm drooling or if I got Bell's palsy for a couple months and I'm fucking drooling and I'm trying to put pancake in my mouth that's all over my face, get me the fuck out of there. Put me in the back. Pulse me down. I get it. Yeah, put me in the back. Open a hydrant and turn it on me. I understand. No, listen, I'm not saying treat him like the elephant man.

I'm just saying, dude, like if you got bells pausing and you're drooling, don't sit in the diner. You know that elephant man story. You ever hear the real story? I know. I heard it. How ridiculous. You ever hear the real story, dude? It was brutal.

No, that was just some fucking rich kid. He looked fine. Just fucking with you. I was just trying oh you know everything now is just like you know here's the real story of columbus here's really what happened on the moon landing you know adolf hitler was actually six five like what new new dude could you new information i love new information like hundreds of years later like they just found it on a cocktail napkin some oh and i found it in my bed let me ask you a question dead serious if you're in a diner and you saw another table

and somebody had like bell's palsy in their fit and they were just drooling you could eat you could eat fine i would be laughing see i get no i get not when people i want to get nauseous i wouldn't laugh at somebody with bell's palsy but i if somebody is like it all depends there's a certain level of fucked up that you get where comedy comes in because you can't laugh it's you know i isn't it's just like i would never laugh at the person to their face But it's just like there are I'm immature dude Like I'm you know Back when you could go to movies I always laughed at the wrong spots

You know Like I remember seeing Sling Blade With a bunch of actors at the time And when he zoomed that guy in the wheelchair I'd get out of my fucking ass And the guy was in a wheelchair And he zoomed him out the fucking stairs Dude i i was dying laughing not because i i would ever do that or i think it's funny that he did it was just it was so fucked up so just stuff that's out of the ordinary

ruins my like home and practice randy no like no like and and again i'm really serious when i say i don't mean to be disrespectful because that could be anybody at any time. And I've had family members and people that have issues. Of course, we all do. But for food, it changes it for me. Well, it's called a napkin. No, no. But here's the thing.

If me and you. You tuck it in like that. Like, I would never make fun of or laugh at. But like if I was, you know, that two headed girl, you know, the girl with two heads, she's got like her sisters on the side and they have boyfriends, but it's one body and they're two girls like, right. So there's like right now. Yeah. Yeah. There's two girls. I mean, there's one girl. I thought that didn't happen anymore. Siamese twins.

That still happened. No, no, no, no, no. It's not Siamese twins. what's the difference between a siamese and a conjoined siamese is inappropriate now apparently because of the name siamese it's it's gonna so what are you supposed to what was wrong with siamese and a cat's upset about that can you say a siamese cat anymore i mean i just i don't care i'm just i'm gonna look it up though are you supposed to what what does siamese mean Siamese cat anymore? I mean, I don't care. I'm going to look it up, though. Are you supposed to? What does Siamese mean?

All right. Oh, Jesus Christ. Siamese twins offensive. Let's see. The British media has universally described the conjoined twins Jody and mary as siamese twins however benignly it may be used the term siamese is inappropriate and offensive as the use of mongol to describe an individual with down syndrome well what is why is that doesn't say why. Anyway, all I'm saying is, like, you know, I would never make fun of somebody,

but if somebody just walked in with four arms, it would fuck up my meal. That's all I'm saying. It would make, you know what I mean? It's just, I don't know. Anyway, we could move on to football. Yeah, we can move on to football. But there's a thing, dude. move on to football yeah we can move on to football no but there's a thing dude like i i feel like with like uh eating and sex right there's turn-ons and turn-offs and you can't fucking help it and i don't think that you should be like if you like see a sexual act and it makes you go like oh and

like look away i don't think that that means that you hate those people right you're just not into it because i feel and i feel like you know women are kind of allowed to look at something that's sexual and be like oh gross oh my god yuck but if a guy does it you know you're homophobic or you're whatever it's like i'm not saying they shouldn't be allowed to do that Just give me a heads up that I'm walking around the corner I'm coming into that there, Paul Right, I got one for you

You're a single guy, you're living in New York City You're having a great time You're single, you're doing spots You're having some drinks, you have no kids No wife, nothing, you're a free bird And this chick you're really into You know, you think she's hot, she's beautiful. You're hanging out cool. And then you just see her digging in her

nose, picking her nose. She doesn't see anybody looking and she's doing that, but she's gorgeous. And then she goes, Hey Bill, let's go back to your place. But she's like a 10. What do you do? You know, I got an early flight tomorrow. Can I take a rain check? I try to put it off for a week to see if I could forget it. Even though... I got an early flight. I'll be out of there quick.

It's not even that she's picking her nose. It's that she would do it in public. It's just like, what the fuck are you doing at home? I'd kind't be out. I just see you in the corner. Dude, dude, let me get out of here. Just I'm going to get sick. Tell her I'm sick.

I remember one time I was in a restaurant with this chick and she had on pantyhose, right? She had shoes on. This is like the fucking fuck still has pantyhose. This was like the fucking late eighties, early nineties. We're in a restaurant. She slipped his shoe off and she stuck her foot on my dick under the table and her foot stunk. Oh, I just, oh my God.

I was just in a game over, dude. God, I still smell it yeah don't do it dude don't do that don't do that man seriously because i'll lose it um sorry guys dude the bartnick story though did you tell that already i told it a little bit on the podcast but i don't know everybody that listens to that. One of my favorite Bartnick stories ever happened. Bartnick and I were drinking, you know, God knows what, just hammered, having a great time. And we're standing in the end zone at Penn State. And the team is warming up 10 yards from us.

Literally, they're in their warmups a few minutes before running in to put their pads on. They're right in front of us. We're standing in the end zone. And all of a sudden, the crowd starts cheering, and all of the players in their warm-ups start running through the tunnel. One guy almost hits me. Everything like that, they're running. And I just look.

Joe's back is to the tunnel as they're running. And one guy just stopped. This linebacker dude. His number was 27, I believe. He turns it around And one guy just stopped this linebacker dude. The number was 27. I believe he turns it around and he just stopped like, Oh my God. And he walks up now, mind you, as he's walking up to Joe to hit him on the back, everyone's just flying in crowds going nuts. And I, Joe turns around and the guy goes, Oh my God. He goes, what are you doing here? And Barton's just like, you know, Hey, and the guy goes, I'm so happy you're here. Bart guy goes, oh, my God. He goes, what are you doing here? And Bartnick's just like, you know, hey. And the guy goes, I'm so happy you're here.

Bartnick goes, so am I. Right? Bartnick hugs this fucking linebacker or whatever. Actually, I think he was a defensive tackle. We looked it up. He's hugging this guy. The embrace between these two. Now, I don't know what's going on.

You're the father-son embrace. And I'm thinking, like, I'm telling you, his mustache is working. He finally looks like his act. He's getting recognized. I'm going, he's getting recognized from stand-up. Or then I'm going, they might know each other from Pittsburgh. This was a connection, right? So then the guy just is hugging him.

He goes, I'm so happy you're here, Bart. He goes, yeah, so am I. He's got a big smile. He's got the glasses, the hat on, right? And then the guy goes, how come you didn't tell me you were coming to Joe? And then he leaves and he goes, Oh man, you know, I'll talk to you. And then they like hugged again. And I look at Joe and I go, dude, that was so cool, man. I got the guy who might know your act or whatever. And Joe just was like, no, dude, I, I don't know who that player is. I don't know who that is. And I go,

like no dude i i don't know who that player i don't know who that is and i go dude he might so this guy probably made a phone call i was like he was at the show he was at the show he thought that joe was one of his old coaches he thought joe was an old coach he said i'm so happy you're here dude when he stopped and looked at him it looked like joe like like adopted him and like saved his family from a fire it was like like, I never, it was unbelievable, man. So, uh, I was like, Joe, why didn't you tell him? He's like, I didn't want to ruin his good time. It's like, yeah, but later he's going to find out that he was hugging a complete stranger. He'll still, they'll laugh it off. What does he care? He plays for Penn state. In the kid's defense, you got Joe's presence standing on the field with the pass mustache.

Like he looks like Mike Ditka. Oh dude. Yeah. He looks like a fucking linebacker coach from Illinois or something. But dude, that game was great. Penn state covered. Our seats were great.

They treated us great. That was a lot of fun, man. That was great time. Yeah. Place gets loud too too that was pretty cool yeah i was a little bummed out by the flyover oh we saw it from the side like in the home of the brave and i was waiting for right then and it was like thousand one thousand1, 1,002, 1,003, 1,004. And then these two helicopters. And I looked at Kenny.

I go, what we gain in maneuverability, we give up in speed. I think they lined them up for where a plane needed to be. Because they usually time it out. And oh, mother of braveness. Those jet guys just go right over the stealth bomber oh dude you're like you feel it in your chest oh yeah the helicopters it was like it was like dude it was a good 10 second delay we're like oh you missed club soda kenny's hilarious they go just an outfit in honor of all the victims of the heroes of 9-11 there will be a flyover today after the national anthem and

kenny went oh he's serious oh no he can't handle it man oh he loves it yes he's very excited shout out to everybody yeah no shout out to everybody uh you know all the victims families everything 9-11 it's so cool that like the way they honor them at all the games. It's fucking awesome, dude. And yeah, man. And I guess I got to just say this to anybody. Like somebody said something last night and it really made me feel good. And I think it'll make our listeners feel good, too.

First of all, rest in peace to the amazing, incomparable Norm MacDonald. First of all, rest in peace to the amazing, incomparable Norm MacDonald. But somebody said, when I feel bad and down, I watch Norm MacDonald YouTube clips for hours and it makes me feel better. And dude, I did that yesterday. And I, shame on me for only knowing a handful of them. Every fucking thing that guy did,

including when he said to Barbara Walters, Clinton killed a guy. It's the fucking greatest thing. And they go, no, no, you can't say that and he goes and she goes stop you came here to be funny and he goes all right he goes i thought it was public record dude just the fucking best dude just a bit and then the sbs yeah my favorite the sbs is when he goes and charles that's something they could never take away from you unless you kill your wife in a waiter in that case dude ken griffey's face just goes so do yourself a favor whether you knew all of norm's stuff lay in bed when you got nothing to do and go to his youtube clips because every fucking thing is gold and the last one i'll say was when he was sitting on the couch next to the blonde actress

from i forgot her name from melrose place and, yeah, I'm doing a movie with Carrot Top. And he was in the seat over. And he goes, you know, they should call that. Box office poison, right? And they just start laughing. And then, oh, did I lose you? I froze up. You froze up. I saw that Conan episode live. I watched that. I don't know. I didn't have a spot or something.

And I watched it. I was just in awe of it. Dude. And then Conan goes, so it's a working title, the movie with Carrot Top. And she goes, no, it's called Chairman of the Board. And he looks at Norman. He goes, tried to do something with that, you freak. And then he just waits like two beats and goes, yeah, the board is spelled B-O-R-E-D.

And Conan threw his fucking chair back. The place went nuts. And I was like, dude, the quickness and fucking brilliance of that guy. So great, man. So great. You know why he's cool? He ended up putting that actor in uh when he did his sitcom she ended up getting getting her a job because he probably felt bad because then the movie flopped

because he had like a like like it wasn't gonna anyway you know what are you gonna do but dude as far as like people to go down a rabbit hole for me it's him norm mcdonald rick flair uh patrice there's like three of them you could just kind of go down and it's just so different and great and fresh and unique and i thought there was a lot of similarity in uh as far as what they did patrice and norm i thought there was a lot of similarity it's it's brutal dude that guy was just uh just one of them he's such a nice guy too he's such a nice guy and just i thought just so mentally beyond yeah all of us and that um i don't know I kind of felt like he just sort of like That smile on his face was him just Enjoying just

You know once you get past the depression Of observing humanity If you can somehow get into that lightened thing To just be like well there's nothing I can do about it I'll just sort of enjoy it Like I don't know There's no way The hardest thing I see is he was trying to put a tweet out about this.

Like how the fuck do you sum up a guy of that talent in a tweet? Yeah. You know, I, I, I actually like yesterday after I heard it and I was sad, I never had the pleasure to meet the man, but I can tell you, uh, I got really happy watching his stuff and time went by really fast. I just was watching clips and then I'm showing my wife clips and we're just laughing. And it was just like, I mean, beyond brilliant and beyond. And I, yeah, you could kind of see behind a smile that there's more going on there, but dude, his gambling was hilarious. His tweet, he would tweet out a fucking golf tournament,

everything that happened. Literally he would go, Tiger's coming up on the second. He's got second shot. And then he would go, Tiger missed that second shot. He's coming Literally, he would go, Tiger's coming up on the second. He's got second shot. And then he would go, Tiger missed that second shot. He's coming up. And he would just, and you think it would be over, and he would just keep doing it. Just so fucking great, man. But, dude, when Barbara Walters, when he goes,

I just want no homicide in the White House. Let's get rid of that. And they're going, like, what do you mean? What are you talking about? And he goes, oh, Clinton killed a guy. Dude, it's like, and they fucking freaked like what do you mean what are you talking about he goes oh clinton killed a guy dude it's like and and and they freaked out dude dude barbara walters freaked out and joy bayer was just looking trying to smile yeah because she knew she was worried about libel and slander like you can't do that on tv but he can do it because he's a comedian and bill clinton's a public figure it's a's a weird kind of thing but she had

never dealt with somebody like him he said oh clinton killed a guy like he was telling her for the first time which was so great and they just fucking freaked out but uh anyway rest in peace to one of the greats watch his clips and it's uh it's a big blow you could feel it you could he's one of those you could feel So yeah I know that was That was the That was a Big one and I gotta tell you you need guys I just don't know why can't

Somebody who's a fucking I don't wish that on anybody But one of these cancel culture people Just you know comedian that tries To take out other comedians Every five. I mean, what? I mean, the fact that there's fucking comics out there doing that to other comics, talking about events where they weren't even there.

I know. And they're literally getting this information as I'm getting it. And they just comment on it and try and help take this person out when it's you weren't even there. Why would you comment one way or the other? Yes, it's. And then you present yourself as like the hero and this champion and all of that fucking shit. Oh, there's a couple of them. I swear to God, I swear to God, they're worse than the fucking people they're going after.

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Tupin? Tupin. Tupin. Tupin. tupin tupin tuppin tuppin consulting it's tuppin consulting everybody is there anything better than watching a group of friends achieve something dope together ab fans tuppin johnny is founder ceo of tupin consulting ll, a team chemistry consulting company hell-bent on keeping it real with experience working on corporate teams at Amazon.com, in comedy writers' rooms, and Second City Chicago, and honestly, everything in between. Tupin Consulting is 100% comfortable saying that he, okay, he's going big.

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and with all of his energy, Jerry Maguire style. Oh, also another big thing. There is not one of those. This is not one of those jerk consultants who shows up demanding that you pay money and do what he says no no matter what your team does he will be in the weeds alongside i like this guy alongside you all okay actively contributing towards your goal so whether you're a small group of investors trying to get noticed or a hundred person Hollywood production crew that just can't seem to gel, Tupan Consulting can help. Also, if there are any nonprofits listening that need team chemistry help, Tupan Consulting will help with free of charge anytime. Reach out anytime to anybody interested. You can email. Okay. It's not pronounced. It's I know it's pronounced Tupan, but it's T-A-P-A-N at T-A-P-A-N consulting.com.

Okay. That's T-A-P-A-N at Tupan consulting.com or go to Tupac consulting.com. It's pretty bitching website. P S here is a personal message from him. Oh, isn't that nice? This is a personal message from Tupac and he sounds serious. This is wild. He says, if the Boston Celtics are listening and he means this for real, I can help you win a championship this upcoming season. I don't know how this happened, but somehow I am the missing piece for your current group of players and new group of coaches.

Wow. This kid is talking shit. I mean, this kid is, me and this kid would have a great stick together. Oh, Billy, you get that Boogieogie night song out of my head anymore. Oh, this kid. Listen, anybody needs a Superbowl. Call it. Call me, dude. I'm your missing piece. Paul. I think I, you know, do you ever see that documentary where those triplets got split up and they all just met each other? I think you got a twin out there.

It's like this bill it's like this hey new york nicks give them a call yeah oh boy okay let's get back to the podcast here all right moving forward everybody i mean we lost every woman at the number 33 today we lost women during this fucking thing no there are there are. So you go to the sports bars. There's always some women there, you know, they're jerseying, you know, whoring it up. It's not always about you ladies. Okay. Sometimes we, can we talk a little football? Um, Oh, I'll tell you something really cool. So yesterday, Sophia, so my,

my daughter plays soccer and Lucas runs track. So Lucas yesterday had his first cross country meet and he's like, and he's like younger, like he's younger on the team. And there's like, uh, he's in junior high now. So he had to run a mile nonstop for like just his first meet just to see what he could do. And he fucking lapped two people. And the coach hit up Stacy on email going like, he's just a natural runner. He just, he just lapped people like older than him. And like,

he just didn't, he has like the, his, he just didn't stop. So he came home and he's like, yeah, he goes, dad, the varsity soccer team saw me. And they, I was, he goes, they started cheering for me, laughing and dude, I was just like, gave him a hug. Then I take my daughter to hockey. And now listen, granted, I have to say this. I can't give, you know, she even said, dad, don't go too crazy. How's she doing, dude? She can play pretty good now. She played in a scrimmage, a little hockey game, but she's one of the older ones, dude.

She had two goals and then three hit the post. And like, she just has, she just has a nose for scoring. Like she just see a righty or lefty. She's a righty, but she uses a left stick. So it was confusing to her. Cause when she first went out there on the ice, the right shooting left-handed. Yeah.

The right stick just was making her uncomfortable. So she's going, dad, we got the wrong stick. And me and Stacy were confused. We're going, you're righty. Then when we saw her on the ice, we saw that she naturally shoots left. So, uh, dude, she was hit. I mean, listen, it was a little scrimmage, but she's hitting the post. And then the, the, the coach came out like the lady running the training thing. And she goes to that. She, she did real good. So, and then here's how I know Sophie, sophie's humble because i go oh my god i go you got a couple goals and and and she goes dad they were some of those kids are younger than me like

it was easy so i'm not like don't give me too much credit they were younger than me and i'm going all right all right i was like you know me i'm going two goals is two goals oh you had her in the hockey hall of fame after that game. I go, listen, two goals is two goals. I go, don't think I didn't see those, you know, those three that hit the post. And she was just like, dad, they're younger than me. Like it was not hard. And I'm going, you know.

Oh my God. I can't wait for my kids to play sports, dude. Oh dude. Dude. I can't wait. My daughter's like, you know, she's crushing the T-ball. I got her. She loves playing catch.

Like my wife gets to keep telling us to stop playing ball in the house like she'll be sitting on the couch we're throwing it over and she likes to like when i throw it to jump off the couch and catch it and uh you know i came back we did that gig out penn state by the way which was amazing gig incredible crowd and they hooked us uh they asked me hey you want a football jersey and i asked him to get me one for my son They asked me, Hey, you want a football Jersey? And I asked him to get me one for my son. And they actually got me two little jerseys and they got the perfect sizes. One for my daughter, one for my son. And they put the names on the back.

I had the number one and my daughter ended up wearing it to school, which was awesome. She just, she wanted to wear it. And yeah, she looks so frigging cool. And then when she came home, I was like, I was, you know, cause my wife's not into sports. Like I barely wear sports jerseys and shit like that. She found it. She goes, we start everything you have has a fucking sports logo on it. She goes, you're almost 50. Okay. I get it. If you're going to the game, but you walk, you know what, dude, you look like you,

you look like you're working in a sporting goods store. I'm like, all right. She's right. She was. was right so uh i mean that's the sports like the music equivalent of that is the guy who still wears his favorite band t-shirts you know when he's 40s you know he's still walking around with your crocus t-shirt um so uh anyway she came home and i was really psyched my wife you know it wasn't all like well she shouldn't wear that to school because my wife's like fashion needs to done stuff you know when she came home from school i said i said hey hey she's like what i was like uh the other kids think that jersey was cool she was like yeah i was like, yeah, I was like, nice. Yeah. That's great. The, the, the most nervous you'll be is I, I found this as a parent is when they're like individual sports. So like if they're soccer,

they're just running in a pack and all of them just migrate to the ball. So you don't even care. Like you care, but when it's flag football, there's like eight to nine, like, you know, when it's baseball, when your son or daughter gets to the plate against a pitcher or when your son or daughter is in the outfield and there's a pop up to them. That's when that's when it's just like, you know, I remember Lucas, this kid just hit this long one. And I told you, the guy just goes, nice catch that Lucas just snagged it out. But I was nervous as shit. And the guy, the guy just goes, nice catch dad. And we just had this understanding of like, you know what it's like, because if they drop it or miss it, dude, and there,

but Lucas has this good thing where like, if he did make an error, he made few, if he made an error, he ran it or ran it off. We're like, I couldn't do that. I wasn't, I wasn't good like that. I would fucking be like, I let the team down. Yeah. I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle it, dude. I'm just picturing a younger you like walking up with your back to the field just walking away yeah i dude i took things to heart man i would be like i didn't have that eli manning gene i had the peyton manning where i would read shit i would read shit like i did that like early you told me one time you said to me you go dude

after your first special comes out you go there's there's going to be like a month adjustment. And I didn't know what you meant. You go, yeah, there's going to be more recognition and they're going to say things that you're going to have to. And dude, like I would see like 98 percent positive shit and one bad when I'm like this fucking guy doesn't even know. Like and it was like and people were just like, what are you doing? You know, that's a good, uh, that's a good learning curve. Like I just did it. I just did an acting gig and, um, I did this, this great show called that reservation dogs. Right. And, um, so I was playing a guy from Oklahoma, you know, went to a voice coach, tried to

do the accent and all that, knowing full well that someone's going to be like, but it's just like, dude, it's not about that. It's about having the balls to do it. And then like, this is the first time I'm trying it. And generally speaking, you know, I, I, I got away with it. So I had a really good, like, uh, you know, I learned that from comedy where it was just like all right on like every special doesn't have to be your greatest special ever as long as you're working towards something like you can you you can just have them go like this as as you're working out same thing with like acting you just you're just doing that as you're going up as long as you're working towards getting better yeah um that's a good

that's a strong mindset but that's a mindset of somebody experienced dude there's something to be said about guys like that like there's something to be said that like a guy like eli manning could throw three picks and it's on the newspaper to bench him and they were just like dude that guy goes home and watches movies with his kids and could truly give a fuck. Like they said, you can't, you can't read. Like I always, I do, I do like, you know, one, one, one hand over the eye, I read and I just saw the general consensus was good. You know, my agent reached out to me, said, oh man, it was, you know, the agent doesn't reach out to you if you're tanked.

So I was happy with that. the agent doesn't reach out to you if you're tanked. So I was happy with that. And, but I, I learned all of that through, uh, doing like standup and stuff and just like, uh, like putting pressure on yourself is, is stupid. It tightens you up. You want to be loose and you want to like, not give a fuck in a good way. And you want to have fun and that will be uh you know i was actually watching something that my drum teacher it was always talking about holding the sticks loose and you get more power he was showing this thing this tennis instructor was talking about like when you go to hold the racket you want to you know and when you smash the tennis ball back he goes so you think you you're gripping it.

He goes, it's actually not, it's, it's really light in a whipping motion. And that's what gives you the top spin and all that, which I never knew, but it's that weird fucking thing about the universe. But if you try to kill it, it goes two feet. If you just Go through the zone It goes a mile That whole fucking thing That if you eat stuff that's delicious

The payoff is you're a fat fuck It's always inverted If you don't give a fuck She comes up to you If you walk up to her You're desperate That law of attraction The laws of like power

And all of that that it's like a fucking pretzel it's great you think it's a straight line and it's it goes under it's like wait a minute how do i want to do this and then that i swear to god for me that was my all of my 20s into my 30s trying to figure out how this shit works so like when you when you put a special out dude like you know and you know it's good and everything and you when you, when you put a special out, dude, like, you know, and you know, it's good and everything. And you know, you had fun and you did your thing, but you don't fucking worry about it. And don't let some, because half these fucking people that are saying this shit and when they

really come at you negative, like the fact that they didn't like it, and they have to take the time to say that they didn't like it. And then they got to add and make sure that you see it like that goes it at that point it's not about what they just saw it's about what's going on in their fucking life unless you said something like really like okay you said something racist there you know and to them or whatever then then i get that they'd want you to see it but if they're just like they need you to know that they didn't like the lighting on it. It's just like, all right, dude. No, the only, the, the only, and, and, you know, you're speaking to me now too, because I'm, I'm shooting a special Saturday and I'm just like,

I'm going to run it in Philly now and I'm going to just have fun with it. But, um, you know, the only negative stuff I heard about I'll Say This was, yeah, Paul Special was funny until his Democratic agenda, because during that time, Trump was a polarizing figure. And I said something about Trump tweeting from heaven or something I did. And people were like, yeah. And then he said Obama handled. And it was just right there. Paul, why would you listen? listen like once somebody goes politics yeah they're so into politics that they can't even enjoy a comedian making fun of the standing president without seeing it being an agenda

for the other party like they've lost they should lose all credibility about a comedy show too so it's like you're bringing that in but i learned something that i did and i learned it and and maybe this can help people but i learned it when i I opened for you at Carnegie hall on my 33rd birthday, which I never forget. I'll never forget how nervous DeRosa you and me were just staring at the rug, walking around. And then you said DeRosa was muttering to himself in a sport coat and you were just, you were quiet looking at the ground and I was quiet.

And then you broke the ice and you just go, well, don't fuck this one up. Right. And we just bursted out laughing. Right. And, um, but yeah, this is not the night to, yeah, not the night to bomb or something like that. No, no, this is like you, you just broke the tension with that. But what I thought about and not to get heavy was I thought about somebody that I went to school with that died of cancer. And I'm going like, those people would fucking do anything to be in a position where they could follow their dream and do this. So I'm not going to be disrespectful to that, you know? And I always think about that. I think she had Jordans on Paul. So, you know, you knew you were, that was such a comic thing to say at that moment, which is hilarious.

You had on Jordans and a fucking black V-neck at Carnegie hall. It was just like, you dressed the same way you would have dressed if you had courtside seats to the Knicks. And you were going like, what it's cashmere. It's cashmere. It was like, I mean mean the sweater was fine the fucking jordan's i thought were hilarious and then later on you showed me jay-z at carnegie you're like look at bill he's got on jordan's wait was it jay-z or carlin in new balance no it was i thought it was jay-z okay

but no what what i do in a big moment is I look at, like, I think about horrible things. I think about the trans. No, seriously, dude. Like I do. No, I think of horrible. I thought about, you know, I think about the transcript on nine 11, when the guy's on the plane going, dude, we're going to rush the cockpit, pray for us and shit. I think about that guy. I think about David Kimowitz, rest his soul, rest all their souls. I think about that. And I'm just like, I have an opportunity here. I'm here. I'm in the present. I'm here. I have an opportunity to go and follow my dream and do what I love. And people are here to see it. So go fucking seize that. And, and, and, and, and I always think like deep dude.

Yeah. I used to think, I used to think about myself putting my head on the pillow that night at the end of the night and hating am i gonna hate myself because i pussied out you know i remember i used to do that when i was gonna do talent show the uh the all the all the uptown show the all black show on sunday nights i remember walking around the block trying to get the courage to walk in there because he asked me to come down there. And I just remember thinking like, all right, what's going to feel worse tonight? Going in there and bombing or going home tonight, not even trying and just hating yourself and be like, next week, next week.

Because I'd already done that. And I said, fuck it. And I just came around the block and I walked right in. And I remember seeing town. I still remember that vividly pointed at me. And I was like, all right, I'm fucked. Now I got to go up. And, uh, and I went up and I fucking murdered. I remember that. But I was also doing like, you know, the, I'm the scared white guy thing, which just kills. Um,

and I had to do that for a while, the safety of that, like, Oh, I'm the white guy who doesn't understand things before I finally started being more me. And then I went down to sort of mediocre sets to then being able to do just going in and do like, I remember, uh, then being able to do just going in and do like, I remember, uh, you know, uh, I remember Patrice giving me shit at Caroline's going, Bill's trying to do his mainstream comedy in an all black, in front of an all black crowd. Cause that was kind of this thing that you can't do that or whatever. And I remember thinking remember thinking oh shut the fuck up watch i'll do it and i was able to learn how to do it and it was really like a uh

like most thing was a confidence thing because it was such like that you know culture shock of being like i am the only white person here will Will they understand what I am saying? You know, you're getting like robot mode. And then what I was able to do was just do the, you know, my jokes. And if they started the tank, didn't I already say I was scared to be up here? Can't you come along? I would just do that. And then they would laugh, keep it going or whatever. I remember that.

Dude, for the people that don't understand. The asshole at the bar, the critic fucking Patrice shitting on me for doing that. It's like, well, that don't know an asshole at the bar the critic fucking patrice shitting on me for doing that it's like well why don't you go up there but that sunday show dude for the people listening right now that sunday show that happened on sunday nights that talent ran that was like the fucking like you know there was all comics hanging outside trying to either be seen or get on. Talent would host a show and fucking murder. It was all black audience and talent loved me.

Talent would be like, man, you got to come out and do this. And I remember I did that show, dude. And I was nervous as shit. He put me on. He said, you're going on when you get here or whatever. And dude, it was, I'll never forget my opening joke that I was nervous and I was rushing. I was rushing and it was early two thousands. And I used to always do those black shows and they never started on time. Like there would be a fuck ever. There would be a flyer that said like nine 30 and do talent would show up at like 10 15, dude. And it was like, but I remember I rushed to the Boston and I'm also a dude and I get there. Oh my God. No, dude, I, I, dude, I did all that shit.

But I remember I go up at the Boston. He brings me up. He brought me up very nice. And I was nervous. And they were just looking at me. I remember this one dude was just looking at me and I go, man, I was like, Oh dude, I'm so happy to be here. I was like, uh, you know, I was like, I was nervous though.

I was nervous on my way here. Cause I'm like, dude, you can't be late. The show's gonna start. You can't be late. And then I was like, ah, you know, it's a black show. I'm good. This ain't starting on time and talent was by the dj thing and he put his head up and everybody left and that got me into that just got me to get the first time to remember what time i did uh gerald kelly's room the guy was like two hours late the crowd was pissed and then he goes up there, he goes, you know,

and we'd all done comic for you on BET. Yeah. I think it was either in Atlanta or New Orleans. He was just like, uh, he just came up, didn't even address it. He's like, what's up y'all. Just got back from Atlantic did comic for you made five G's. That's what he said. He told him how much money. And that the thing no one made that money unless he did another show down there because it was comic for you and that was like a big fight like they weren't paying anybody's shit you had to like just made five jesus so yeah i think we made like 500 bucks uh i think i saw uh i think i told these stories On somebody's podcast

I remember one night going up there and it was fucking brutal That was a brutal one That one was out in Newark What about pork knockers dude I had to follow a poet They were eating fucking dude I had to follow a poet And then talent started making fun of the poet

Talent just started like joking about how poets talk Which was so fucking funny And then he brings me up And I remember people just getting wings Eating looking at me fun of the poet i just started like joking about how poets talk which was so fucking funny and then they brings me up and i remember people just getting wings eating looking at me and i'm just up there fighting for my fucking life and i ended up having a good set and i got home i was rushing home rushing out of there those rooms were fucking nuts dude poke knockers they'd film the fucking show and then you'd be on the subway and somebody'd be like, bootleg comedy, bootleg comedy, and you'd see your face on it. I remember one time I went up and they had a poet go up,

and the poet was from the South. This is before Southern rap and that accent took over. So New York has didn't know it. And this guy was doing this pro woman thing and was talking about guys, how they were afraid of their emotions. And he kept going, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Cause you scurred. And he kept,

he just kept saying it and the crowd just kept laughing more and more i felt so bad for the guy he didn't know why you could tell he was a real young kid he came to new york for the first time because you scurred he keeps going scurred and i was sitting there going what the fuck is he saying oh and he goes, he's saying scared. He's from St. Louis. Did you do Nell's? I did all of those fucking rooms. Yeah. Nell's, Merchant. Nell's was such a beautiful bar.

But that was a tough room for me. Le Bar Bat was another one was I that room LeBar Bat I killed I bombed I killed I bombed I killed whatever if I did 10 shows there five times I killed five times I bombed every other time I will tell you one of the best trumpet players I ever saw in my life talent put this woman up and she went on stage with the trumpet by herself i don't know how she did she fucking murdered with a trumpet in the early 2000s dude i'm telling like fucking was one with the instrument was bending all the way over when she was making those you know when the trumpet gets real obnoxious like almost sounded like it was muted she was fucking incredible i remember thinking that i was like man if i had

a talk show she would be my musical guest that's awesome that was another thing i actually i used to do a show down there called uh peripheral vision and it was uh it was all the shit that you wanted to do it was sort of like a more mainstream, like alternative thing. And I remember I put up, there was a, this subway performer called shaker leg. It was this guy that played like a, like an African type drum.

And he used to just murder it, murder it, uh, on the subway platform. So I'd have like him open up and then just have people go down there. If they wrote like an acting piece or something like that, but it was such a pain in the ass booking a show and booking a space and all of that and i just i didn't have any money and i was trying to get my own hustle going on that i only did it like uh a couple of times but it was influenced by these rooms that i saw down there in the early alt

scene that surf reality was still the coolest one that i ever went to like where i just saw the craziest the craziest shit like these dudes fucking i think that was the first place i saw that whatever the fuck you're supposed to call him a a guy dressed as a woman whatever you call him now we used to call him transvestites back then and her stage name was sharon needles dude and she went on stage and was fucking hilarious it was another one from that era, this blonde woman, she had the super short blonde haircut like like Brigitte Nielsen. Yeah. And she would go on there like like knee high boots, leather skirt, tattoos, total fucking attitude. Just like just fucking crazy, like crazy.

Just like just fucking crazy Like crazy That was when I felt like Another time I went down there And when me and Patrice were going on stage together Fucking around Talking about race and all of that shit And we went up in this place And I remember there was this white rapper on stage

That had a speech impediment And he was using the N-word, saying like, trying to use it the way black people used it, saying my N-words, my N-words. And then in the end, but he had that thing where he talked like this. You know, he had that thing like, she tells, she tells, but she's short. He talked like that, right? So when he would drop the n-word he'd end it with a right so me and patricia crying laughing and i just remember the end of his set

he was just like yo if you had a problem with me saying the n-word blah blah blah i don't care because my n-words are the shit That we fucking went on stage And Patrice shit on that guy We got like 50 minutes He shit on that guy for like 10 fucking minutes And I actually felt bad I just saw that guy's whole world crumble He made fun of his speech impediment

He made fun of him for dropping the n-word Dude that was such a crazy Time down there that's not really talked about Like not the Not the alt scene Not the eating it That was sort of like you know That was like so popular

It was like mainstream Where all this industry was going there It was all that satellite shit That I was going down to You had people that were too fucked up to be in either the clubs or in the alt scene and that's why yeah you saw people uh doing whatever that guy was doing and shit i don't know there's always the people that call him out man because i did this vegas comedy festival in 03 and pat cooper went on and pat cooper when i tell you he

i mean disintegrated i mean i've never seen he's one of the greatest he's one of the greatest of all time and also not only one of the greatest of all time like the the the passion and and uh like the intensity level that that guy still has when he goes on stage there's a guy no one ever said hey man you kind of phoned it in tonight like that guy fucking dude murders best title best title for an autobiography ever how dare you say how dare me dude he we were at this that's's his mission statement, I feel, from listening to those interviews. I never met that guy, man. I would love to just listen.

I heard it was tough. I know a guy that's friends with him and said he got real, real tough to deal with. But I got to tell this story. And then I got to run because I got to go to Philly. There was an award show at this festival. So everybody just went there and like comic who had this so everybody just shows up and and we're sitting in the back and they had a guy as they're bringing food come out they had a guy go up there and do impressions and he's doing john ritter had

just died so he did something about that he did like a tribute to john ritter but singing it as sammy davis and then he did this one and then he did that one and everything like that. And then all of a sudden, ladies and gentlemen, by Pat Cooper and dude, and the guy who ran the guy who ran the festival had a cowboy hat, cowboy boots. Dude, Pat Cooper comes out and just goes, first of all, he goes, what the fuck are these people doing? He goes, you don't bring steaks out and food out when performers are on stage. You don't do that.

He goes, also, he goes, he goes, who the fuck? They go, this guy doing impressions that we all heard of for a hundred years. They're telling me backstage, he's on his way up. In my opinion, he should be on his way to fuck out of this business. Okay, dude. And I'm just sitting in the back dude and the crowd there was like you know when you hear an audience kind of like like they get a rise but it's almost like i can't fucking believe this happened i'm looking at it's starting to laugh

they're waiting like is is he being serious yeah and then all of a sudden he goes the guy running this thing he's out there his fucking cow is smells like horse shit back here he's like what the fuck am i dude when i tell you he shit on everything he shit on the service he shit on this guy i saw the guy that he said he should be on his way out i saw him fucking walking through the hotel with his bag leaving and they did a final show of all the winners of the awards were going to perform and they announced the guy and he just wasn't there. I saw him walking out. Norm Crosby goes, ladies and gentlemen, Pat Cooper's favorite comic and the guy wasn't there. I saw him. He packed his shit and left dude. The guy just fucking, it was,

it might've could have could have ended his career. Like it was, it was so fucking like a few of those nights. I just was dumb enough to come back. Yeah. I got a three-hour drive right now, so I probably stayed on too long. I had a comic come up to me one time, a legendary comic. The scene I was in, he goes, you know, everything you just did up there, that was all bullshit bullshit you're jumping around you don't have any fucking punch lines and it just

it's like half of the bag yeah dude and i was like a young comic you know my stupid orange hair like what i had no i had no deflector shields and everything he said just went I had no deflector shields and everything he said just went like, dude, I just like, dude, that's, I walked out, dude. I like, I walked to my car that night. Like, I didn't even, I don't even remember driving home. Wow. Like radio off, just driving silence. Dude. When a legendary comic, I heard of one, I'm not going to mention names, Wow. Like radio off, just driving. Silence. Dude, when a legendary comic I heard of one, I'm not going to mention names, but there was one comic on stage at Gotham and a legendary comic walked in towards the end of a set and watched his closer.

And I heard the comic that was on stage at Gotham walked off and this fucking legend just goes, dude, what the fuck are you doing up there? And walked away, dude. And like, you just cannot, you can't, you cannot do that to a young comedian. You just can't do it. Well, here's the thing. He wasn't, he wasn't comic book that it wasn't young, but, uh, dude. Okay. So it was tough love. Did they know each other? I think like maybe, yeah, I think, I don't know, but not big. Like I don't think new, new, like I think might've known of, but dude, I heard it was brutal and I heard it stuck with, but like, dude,

could you imagine do like, I couldn't imagine like headlining though. Could you imagine headlining and somebody comes to see you like you're headlining a fucking big club, a room and a legend comes in an icon. And they're just like, what the fuck are you doing? Dude, that would fuck it. That's fucking tough, man. How good does it feel when somebody goes, dude, I love what you did. That was great. You're like're like ah from you yeah and how often is that sincere though because that could be just some of your lives but you know when somebody says what the are you doing up there that they are speaking from their heart i mean they could have been they got into a fight

with their wife or bringing some into the club but if somebody comes in it's just like everything you're just doing out there was you're just like yeah you know i'm you know i know i got some stuff i need to learn i do it i didn't know i was just like i don't think i said anything i just stood there like uh-huh i don't have it in me to tell a comic like when a young comic goes up early and it just goes bad i don't have i just walk away and i go hey i didn't see that how was it i can't do that man i'm not and i don't like those comics that go i don't do that i fucking tell them there's no holding back with me and it's like you know something man like you sucked too at one point and you were a comic one year two years you don't go up to a young comic and

do that man you don't fucking do that and yeah power is not you know most people don't handle their position of power in a way like you know i don't know i i listen i try not to do that i'm sure i've said some shit of of uh but like i would never just walk up to somebody tell them that they stink or that what they did was fucking horrible why would you do that especially too so many of the comics that you hear like, you know, Rodney, how long it took him to figure his thing out, then he figured it out. Louis Black was another guy who was just, I guess, doing jokes and getting, then somebody just said, dude, you're like one of the angriest guys I've ever met

and your act is all like nicey-nice. And then he got that finger going and then he just he just exploded so like i always think like you could be possibly you could have just derailed the comedy world to see in the next lewis black like so i am i have no idea what's in you i don't want to fucking stick a cork on it so i i what uh dude i like that when that guy fucking dressed me down like that, I still remember the temperature that night. I still remember what it felt like. It was the summertime. I had the windows down and I was just driving home.

I think, I think I even went the long way home. Oh, dude. Cause I, I needed to, I needed like to go back into my parents' house with not a look on my face. Like I was going to jump off the house. But what about when they say something positive? I had a, I had a big time, big name comics say something positive to me, but he grabbed me by my collar. He goes, dude, that joke. If you just extend it,

if you just extend it, that's the shit. That's the fucking story. Like, and he was like so and i was just like all right but then i also had other people who heard him going like no you did it fine sometimes people just want to be heard but i gotta i gotta uh oh no what that is is you did something great and their ego can't handle it so they want to make it like i would have done it a little better oh and if i told you the, you hit it right on the head. I got an idea. Um, all right. That's, uh, anyways. Um, all right guys, this has been episode 33. What's so funny. I'll tell you after. Okay. Uh, this has been episode 33

guys, please come out, man. September 18th tickets are almost sold out. I'm doing my special this weekend. My second one. Can't wait to, uh, to do this. So, uh, if you are in the, uh, New York tri-state area, levity live September 18th, a few tickets left. So jump on that. And then obviously the Wilbur theater, October 22nd tickets are going for that too. So for all other dates, go to my website,

Bill's website, and we will see you guys after a week, two of NFL football. Thank you.