Anything Better? - Nuts Was Normal

Episode Date: February 20, 2021

Is there anything better than Bill and Paul talking about puking, laughing at funerals, and robbing banks?...

Transcript
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Starting point is 00:00:00 episode 5 anything better podcast with myself Paul Murphy and Bill Burr and Bill I'm going to start this episode by saying is there anything better. I got one out of the gate. Is there anything better than being on good terms with your wife for three days straight, dude? I am on, I'm on three days, no fighting. She actually gave me a little caressing like we were laying next to you. Yeah. Gave like the arm, a little caress, Valentine's Day? No. Just a random day. Just yesterday. I'm laying in bed, watching TV. She does the turnover, which lets me know she's going to be out in five minutes.
Starting point is 00:00:53 And she just had her eyes open. She looked at me, a little arm caress, and I'm just going, man, I'm on a three-day win streak right now. It's nice. What's your record? I don't think I've gotten past eight. Past what? Eight. Dude, eight is unbelievable.
Starting point is 00:01:13 No, eight would be up in the Raptors, you know, of the living room. Yeah. I'm trying to think of an NBA franchise that has one banner. Portland. You like the Portland Trailblazers are married guys. Like Billy Joel has the number 12 for how many consecutive sold out. I would have eight over my kitchen. But dude, I got to tell you guys, I got to tell you,
Starting point is 00:01:36 I think it's because she tried something that worked and I gave her all the credit. She comes into the kitchen. She goes, dinner's ready. And she goes, I need you up here. And I go, what is it? And she gave me that, you know, Stacy, my wife, she gives like a little smirk and gets red in the face. You've seen, you know, she gets like that. And I go, what is it? And she goes, I don't know. You'll see. And she's got this cute little bounce in her step and she comes in, she takes out of the oven, dude. She made like al dente linguine with shrimp scampi over it and the seasoning and the oil, dude, and the and the noodles were cooked to perfection. I bit this fucking thing, dude. I'm not joking. If she said to me right now, let's go up in the bedroom and I'll give you a fucking blowjob that you'll fucking never forget. Or I would duplicate this meal i might
Starting point is 00:02:26 take the latter hey can we get both hey how about we do both okay i'm telling you man so me and my wife are on good terms because she just wanted to compliment bill she just wanted to compliment hey that's amazing i'm not gonna act like i got this shit figured out, but I could have had, I could have been on an eight day tear, but I fucked it up. I had a legitimate complaint. And rather than thinking about what I said, I just did what I always do. I just came in, opened the door. She's sitting there like looking up from her phone, like what the, what the fuck did I marry? And by the time I realized that I was being an asshole, it was too late. And it just fucked shit up for like a day and a half. I was just like, ah,
Starting point is 00:03:13 why do I say things, Paul? You'd be funny if there was ESPN commentary, Bill Burr, they had it. They had it ready to win the series. And then he fumbled. He doesn't know how to win. He doesn't know how to win. He doesn't know how to win. He's got all the tools in the bag. The man just does not know how to win. Is it time for Nia to make a change?
Starting point is 00:03:34 How long do you hang on with this guy? Nia comes into the press conference sitting down on a mic. Reporters are asking her. She's like, listen, you know, it's a tough one. We're excited about the new direction that we're going in. Uh, no disrespect to Bill. We, he had a great run and we'll always be proud of the legacy that he created here, but it's time to move on. And we wish him luck wherever he ends up, whatever trailer park. Oh, I'm keeping the stadium. Cause that's how divorce laws work.
Starting point is 00:04:01 Whatever, trailer park. Oh, shit. Because I'm keeping the stadium because that's how divorce laws work. Hey, one of my buddies sent me a nice little sports debate here. This is a good one because they were talking about how Brady moved up the all-time, you know, transcending his sport, greatest of all time list. So here's the list, Paul. In what order? Wayne Gretzky, Serena Williams, Tiger Woods, Michael Jordan, Tom Brady.
Starting point is 00:04:42 First, let's start with the obvious. Do you agree that those are the GOATs of all their sports? Yes. All right. My only one I'm worried about, too, Tiger, because he doesn't have as many as Jack Nicholson. He's definitely more Nicholson. Jack Nicholas.
Starting point is 00:05:00 He's definitely more dominant. But Jack still has the most. And he had to beat, you know, Arnold Palmer. Was Ben Hogan still around? I don't think he was. I think Arnold beat Ben. But Gretzky also says, he might just be modest, he says that Bobby Orr is the greatest of all time.
Starting point is 00:05:19 So I feel like greatest golfer and greatest hockey player is still a little bit up to date. And, you know, Mario Lemieux, if Mario doesn't get sick. I mean, he was like a six foot six Gretzky. I mean, there was there was incredible, incredible players in the 80s. But I have it like this. I have Jordan, Brady, Serena, Gretzky, Tiger. That's how I put him.
Starting point is 00:05:48 You know, he's leaving out race car drivers and the top male tennis player. You know, Roger Federer is a fucking animal. And what about... It's pretty... But there's Pete... He's like better than... You know, he's one more than Pete Sampras, right?
Starting point is 00:06:06 But like they're pretty close. I mean, if you look at like Gretzky came in doing stuff he never saw anybody do. Serena, I don't think anybody – maybe Martina came along and almost won a slam. What about Mario? Plus the fact that there was no black people in tennis. It was like Arthur Ashe.
Starting point is 00:06:28 It was like five people of color, it seemed. But I just think Jordan, the way Jordan just made everybody look like a child. Yeah. He used to play NBA games and look like a McDonald's all American at his, at his high school game, but he was actually playing against pros and Brady, just because of the sport that he plays,
Starting point is 00:06:58 how, how, how short careers are and that he's been doing it this long and that he has 19 years or 20 seasons between Superbowl titles, how the hell and doing it during the modern era. I also Jordan, another one for him is he won pre Kobe Shaq, Phil Jackson.
Starting point is 00:07:18 When it, when it started the pile on era, someone was trying to say, well, I'd stick LeBron up there. And I'm just like, well, when Jordan played, you had to beat the best. You didn't just hang out with the best and go, Hey, let's all get on the same fucking team. Not saying that LeBron wouldn't have won back then. I'm not saying that, but it's just like, you know, Jordan didn't join the
Starting point is 00:07:39 fucking Pistons when he couldn't beat him. He beat him. Yeah, man. That's a, that's a really tough one. I don't know if I would put Tiger last, like you have them. I like the rest of your list. I like Serena third, uh, where you have her. I like, I liked, I like Brady and Jordan where you have him. I don't do my Tiger. Last is sounding dumber. It already sounded stoop. Cause who do you put last? It's hard to put somebody last. But it's not like you're really putting them last with that list. Right. He's still the first golfer.
Starting point is 00:08:10 Right. But I know what you're saying. Because he also, they had to redesign golf. That's a big one, though, dude. They didn't have to redesign the basketball court for Jordan. They had to redesign golf courses. That's like some Wilt Chamberlain shit. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:08:26 Where they make dunking illegal because no one can block your shot in the league slash, you know, racist issues. Was that Chamberlain or Kareem? I used to argue like Patrice going,
Starting point is 00:08:39 because he used to say the Wilt Chamberlain when they made dunking illegal was straight up racist. And I said, okay, but Patrice, it's also a business. Okay? And you got to have competition to make people watch.
Starting point is 00:08:54 It has to be a question. If people already know the answer, they're not going to watch. However, I was proven wrong when Durant went to the Warriors and everybody was just like, yeah, they're going to win. And everybody watched anyways. Yeah. It was like a bad summertime movies. How I always, I always compared it was just like, I know. Okay.
Starting point is 00:09:12 I know the hero's not going to die. How does he beat the bad guys? You've showed me in the trailer, the first three quarters of this movie. I just really need to see the last five minutes. Yeah. Well, yeah. But here's the thing too. Here's the thing too here's the thing too about the tiger thing
Starting point is 00:09:25 from 21 years old to 28 years old nobody i mean that kid won the masters by 21 strokes when he was like fucking just stopped having pimples man i mean it's so i know but there's also for me it's it's how long were you great for and stuff like that. He's kind of a victim of like his body breaking down. Yeah. There's really no wrong answer here. It's just fun. It's just fun. It's just fun sports talk.
Starting point is 00:09:51 The whores that ran into this man's life, they're to blame. I'm kidding. Relax. I prefer to call them distractions. He had some off field distractions. Where do we pick up from? I'm just going to say it. All right.
Starting point is 00:10:07 I just said some shit we had to cut out because. Because you used his name in social. No, but I might as well have. I didn't say a name. I pride myself in not saying names, but I'm just like, I just know that, you know, friends of him also have the Internet. And if they see this, they're going to figure this shit out. So sorry. No, dude, you're a nice.
Starting point is 00:10:27 You didn't even have to say that. I mean, that's the type of guy you are. I mean, who am I? Oh, guess what? I found out the song. You ready? What song? Sugar pie.
Starting point is 00:10:37 That's the song. We were singing on the road. Yes. You know, I can't help. It's the four tops. Can't help myself. Oh, tops. Can't help myself. Oh, yeah. Can't help myself. I love you and nobody else. Yeah. Going across Canada.
Starting point is 00:10:55 Yo, dude, the four tops. Sugar Pie Honey Bunch had us crying, laughing. Sugar Pie Honey Bunch. There's a couple of there's a couple of there's a couple of four tops bangers I'll see if I can't help my I put this shit up against Jay-Z
Starting point is 00:11:14 alright ready showing our age here it's the same old song you know I've heard them a million times i don't know yeah uh oh baby i need your love god devil dude one night all the way across canada one night hockey listened to Motown and got absolutely hammered for 21 days straight and it was glorious one night we were on tour and uh you me and
Starting point is 00:11:54 Bartnick shared a room and that infomercial of Motown discs that you could get the infomercial of like the entire Motown collection and it was was only the infomercial. And they just kept going. And me and Bartnick, we had our own queen size bed and Bartnick going, this is, I could just listen to this. This is, for fucking two hours, we sat up till three o'clock in the morning and every Motown hit came on. And we just-
Starting point is 00:12:20 We're gonna start calling Bartnick Giant Verzi. Cause both of you guys, I don't care where you guys are. You're like, this is great. I got a cocktail. I got something to put my feet on. Dude. What more does a guy need? The greatest thing that I've ever witnessed in sports,
Starting point is 00:12:38 games going with you, was the look on Joe Bartnick's face when we went to Duke UNC at Cameron Indoor. Camden. Camden. Camden. Cameron. Is it Cam? Oh, Camden's the Philly show. Sorry.
Starting point is 00:12:50 Yeah. Cameron. Yeah, Cameron Indoor Arena, even though it's 9,000. It looks like a high school gym. Dude, Bartnick was late because he had to piss. So me, you, Joe G., and we got our seats, and Bartnick comes in, and he's looking around, and the sheer looking around and the sheer joy and he's going he's just looking he also and there was a look on his face he couldn't believe he was like
Starting point is 00:13:11 he was going to experience it was almost like he had like sort of a gate where he didn't he wasn't worthy of being there no it was literally like a religious experience in there yo it was like a religious my ears were ringing like I went to a concert, and then you just stood up the whole game. And then when you didn't think, we've talked about this before, the lady came out, the red tiger, red panda. Red tiger. And it was some fucking animal I didn't want to run into.
Starting point is 00:13:43 That purple leopard came out. The purple leopard came out on that tricycle. She starts throwing the plates and the saucers up on her head. And then, dude, Coach K waits to be the last one to come out, like the finale before the game starts, and all the students start going like this, and Coach K just walks out in his suit. And, oh, that was that was the
Starting point is 00:14:07 greatest experience i've ever had in a sporting event in my life dude you know it's great too you can go to paul's uh you can go to paul's youtube page if you want to watch uh the red panda video matched up with you guys telling the story oh yeah go to my youtube because bill called me out because i said she does it with one leg. And Bill just goes, let's be clear. She has two legs. And that was, so you guys got to check that video. Dude, she threw 20 bowls. She threw 20 bowls from her toes onto the top of her head on a fucking unicycle.
Starting point is 00:14:39 It was one of the, it lived up to a great game. It was fucking nuts. There was no dip. Like I really feel like the Superbowl, the NFL has really missed the mark by not having her come out on the middle of the field view. If you want to get a bunch of people, because anytime they book a music act, I mean, it's a real, actually,
Starting point is 00:14:59 it's actually a really bad gig for, for most people who play the halftime show. You think people, they get shit on somebody's titty pops out. Um, people don't like the show. Right. And I also think if you're someone who just stands there and sings your song,
Starting point is 00:15:18 it's going to come off like you're going to, it's going to be a dud, but you get, you get, uh, you get the, uh, the green dragon out there paul right
Starting point is 00:15:26 she gets on her bicycle built for two starts flipping those humidors up do people lose their mind i don't know why football uh games have never had her she is a fucking beast dude she followed carolina duke at duke there was no dip and not only did she follow it she was following a great game and people went as nuts for her and dude they there's a documentary on her when she was like a little girl she was like throwing up like four on her head as like it was like she's like the goat prodigy um all the other kids were asking to lick the spoon and she was throwing the bowl up in her head. That's when they knew she was special.
Starting point is 00:16:12 She's talking to the other parents at school. They were like, is she eating yet? She's doing a little more than that. She's fucking juggling on a unicycle, dude. I got one for you. Most drunk you've ever been because i've realized that people have ruined sporting events by their drunkness if you can remember most drunk you've ever been that you could actually remember and recollect some of your behavior at a sporting event do you
Starting point is 00:16:39 know what it was there's a lot of memories um i could tell you what i feel bad for carpenter bill was shitting on the fucking kicker of the dolphin so hard i can't even tell you how not drunk i was when i did that you weren't drunk at all no something happens to me when i go into a stadium i lose all sense of inhibition and I just start yelling and I want to make my section laugh. No, dude. I just become the class clown of my section. Back when you could do that, but now they drown you out because every time there's a stop at your play, you're watching three choo-choo trains of different color and everybody's hoping they're going to win a taco. Well, yes and no. That used to be my time.
Starting point is 00:17:24 Well, yes and no though, though bill because me and you were drinking that bourbon on that ferry in cincinnati from kentucky so i mean you definitely oh that's child's play we were doing that every night i was in game shape for that fucking cincinnati game it was a fucking bangles versus the dolphins when they both stunk. There is no way that Carpenter didn't call his wife or whatever woman was in his life that night going, there was a guy driving me fucking nuts.
Starting point is 00:17:53 There is absolutely, yo, there's no way that that kid... I hope one day I see him on the NFL network. They're like, worst fans you ever been in front of me are Bengals fans. Bengals fans. You made that... They got East Coast accents too it's weird man oh dude I've never felt more bad for a guy but you weren't like a hammered him when when were you like did you ever throw up at a game yeah 1989 wow Pat's game wow yeah that was I was leading up to my uh getting pulled over for
Starting point is 00:18:28 drinking and driving I was on a run and um we were doing uh we had a keg of beer and so you open the tap we weren't doing keg stands but it was everyone was going one two three four and yet each, and it was really no clock. It was just how hammered we were. It just took forever to count. So then everybody started dropping off around 15, 17 seconds. And it was me and this one other guy. I believe now is in law enforcement at a high level.
Starting point is 00:19:04 That's what's fucking hilarious. It was down to me and him. And we got all the way up to like 34. We were somehow in the 30s. But you understand, it was like started off at six seconds. That was the buy-in or 10 seconds or something. And they just kept increasing it by two. So, dude, my belly was just like,
Starting point is 00:19:25 I was just full of beer. And I ended up, I remember I was, first of all, not the person who was even remotely supposed to win. I was the Gonzaga when they first got into the big dance, because there was some big guys there. And I don't know if they ate too much dogs. I just got into competitive mode and i'm like whatever the number is i'm not gonna stop drinking till we get it so when i came down i beat another guy and it was just me and the other guy left i remember i slammed the thing down and my buddy went to hug me i was like don't touch me don't touch me oh and then i went one more round dude and it was funny because we paid to park on this lady's lawn and uh i don't know what i puked on but it definitely died afterwards dude i just like
Starting point is 00:20:14 dude it came back you know you have a puke so fast it comes back up it's still cold it was it was almost refreshing it was like my stomach gave my throat an enema. It came back. It still looked like beer. It was just like, I look like a Pez dispenser, but like, it was like beer coming out. Oh yeah. Yeah, dude, I did. I thought I was 21. So I shook it off. I nursed another one and then limped up the train tracks. Dude, the amount of times you could have died, by the way, where we parked. You used to park in these people's yards, and then you walked up the train tracks.
Starting point is 00:20:57 And the Amtrak or whatever, the local had it advertised that you could take the train out to the game. And that was the track they used. So we would just be stumbling along all kinds of people with their kids and shit. Then you'd walk underneath route one and then go up the hill and then you'd walk along route one. Um, you know,
Starting point is 00:21:18 if there was enough people, you'd be on the outside of the guardrail. If there were, it was, you know, if they sucked and there was nobody at the game, you'd walk on the inside because people were still flying by in their cars.
Starting point is 00:21:28 And wow, dude, I just got a vivid picture of that old stadium. We would walk up to that old stadium and we were sitting on the opposite of Route 1 side and we sat up in the 300 section, closer to Boston side, not closer to the Attleboro side. And we sat up in the 300 section you know closer to boston side not closer to the attleboro side and we sat up there and i made every single fucking home game and the last game of that year was the uh patriots playing the original los angeles rams and i got busted for
Starting point is 00:21:59 drinking and driving the night before i'd done seven in a row i was the only guy that was going to make all the games and i was uh you know I was explaining to my parents, I think, what had happened. But dude, that year, when I think back of all the guys that I saw, the amount of Hall of Famers I saw, and then the amount of uniform changes and teams. Let me see here. I'm going to look up the Patriots 1989 season, right? Oh, by the way, dude, the Celtics finally win after a three-game losing streak. All right, 1989 schedule. Dude, this fucking guy out there, Nikola Jokic or some shit like that. Joker, yeah.
Starting point is 00:22:41 Yeah, Jesus Christ. That guy couldn't miss. All right, the Jets. We played the – no, the first one we played were the Dolphins. Oh, my God. Dan Marino came in. They've changed their uniforms slightly. Then we had the Seattle Seahawks.
Starting point is 00:22:56 Dude, and I remember – because I saw Seattle. Steve Largen. I remember him catching a fucking touchdown pass and running in. I thought it was pretty cool that I saw Steve. It wasn't Jim Soren. I think it was David Craig. They've changed their uniforms and moved to the NFC. Well, Buffalo Bills still have the same uniform.
Starting point is 00:23:17 I know I saw Warren Moon that year on the Houston Oilers. That's a great uniform. Here we go. 12 more. Come on. That powder blue with the red was great. Where is it? New England Patriots.
Starting point is 00:23:29 I'm the only person that even remotely gives a shit about this. All right. Dolphins, Seattle Bills. And, oh, the Houston Oilers. Yeah. Foxborough Stadium. Yep. I saw Warren Moon.
Starting point is 00:23:43 Then I saw the Jets. That's when they had the joe klecko green the new orleans saints i don't even remember that game was george rogers still on that game that team wow yeah and then the rams the last one december 24th and i got busted uh uh like two in the morning on December 23rd. Wow. The evening Christmas Eve. You know, I was thinking about it.
Starting point is 00:24:10 I never got sick or drunk during a sporting event because I was just always so psyched to be there that I would get drunk after. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I would always be pretty buzzed, but I never was like. It's just because we started that stupid contest it was dumb it was so fucking dumb so dumb i i did some things that i could have been killed doctor told my doctor dude told us like i could have died dude i would we were i was at college and i was like nobody will fucking because i never would throw up so they would call my stomach like steel and like i i fucking stupid me took that i'm like I'll never fucking throw dude we were me and this I had this friend
Starting point is 00:24:49 he would be like y'all fuck anything that moved we would we would go we would go to the dorm rooms down we went to college we went to junior college you go do I'll fuck anything and I remember he'd be like yo the fish better stop swimming. Cause I'll fuck them too. Right. Kill was an animal, but dude, I took a funnel of absolute vodka and they took one scoop, one scoop of iced tea powder and they put it in dude. And I just like took it straight down. And I remember being like fine and everything. And all of a sudden dude my body was just and i was trying to like wash it down with beers really bad they were like dude you could have died from that but uh wash it down with more alcohol dude i got one for you one time i was fucking boozing and like dead him and i just wanted to go home my friends wouldn't leave and
Starting point is 00:25:41 i just said fucking i'm walking home and where dead a mess oh and i just started walking and i went the most direct route and i cut through these woods and i was walking along the highway on the inside of the guardrail and i was walking the cars were driving by and i couldn't see and And then it just looked really black. And, dude, and I took a step, and there was no ground there. And I just started rolling down this hill. Boom. Boom.
Starting point is 00:26:17 Fucking landed down by the train tracks. I'm lucky I didn't break my fucking neck. And, dude, if something, yeah, if you broke something, and you couldn't move, and you just laid in the woods. Oh, they never would have found me. Oh, dude. They never would have found me. And I fucking got up. Luckily.
Starting point is 00:26:32 Yo, Irish kids. I'm going to cross the fucking tracks. Dude, Irish kids, German Irish kids. I don't give a, they're just, they're just the toughest. You guys are the toughest. You just are as. Russians, Armenians. There's a lot of fucking psycho
Starting point is 00:26:46 brazilians all right listen maybe i'm telling you do this like maybe what if you want to say white tough no dude you guys oh my god they gotta do that they gotta rank you gotta i had this i had this friend rest of you rest of people right in latinos who's the toughest latino like like i think as far as like if you read like when the russians fought the nazis i mean you're fighting a bunch of people in like tanks with porsche engines in them okay and these guys have a lot of them just had farming tools fighting in the snow and bare feet and they kicked the shit out of them and beat beat them all the way back to fucking germany emotionally tough i've never seen anything like you guys i've never seen guys just almost feel
Starting point is 00:27:36 like they deserve to have a hangover and go to work the next day it was like this guilt thing i've never seen i would say would say it's emotional ignorance. Dude, I knew a kid, rest his soul, rest his soul, passed away and it was a really tragedy, but he played Syracuse football. He played with Donovan McNabb. Then he got hurt and he ended up playing at Rutgers. This dude hit like a ton of bricks.
Starting point is 00:28:02 He was a linebacker. He was an animal. And he would wear this big Irish kid and he would wear the Adidas shell toes and he would always dress good. And we, that's when we would drink 40 ounces of malt liquor, old English, St. Ives, all that shit. Right. We would go and we'd call, you know, we'd piss warm by the time he got to the bottom. We would get, we'd go like, we call it, Hey buddy. And a, Hey buddy is when somebody's walking in and be
Starting point is 00:28:23 like, Oh dude, if we give you an extra five, will you get us some? And he would be known like we would have one through the night. He had three and everybody knew like nobody could drink them. And he used to like listening to House of Pain and fucking jump around and all that shit. Right. And I remember this guy and he could freestyle, too. And like he was one of these quiet, tough guys. All the girls loved him. He had that fucking quiet. And that's why, like when he got on a football field, he just fucking something happened. Right. And, um, he always had like beautiful girlfriends. The kid was an animal. And, uh,
Starting point is 00:28:56 he's like, Verzi, man, come in here. I'm a freestyle. And he would freestyle and people would go nuts with this freestyling. And we go into the bed. We're in a hotel party. And he just took a liking to me. We became close. Versus, come here, man. I want to freestyle for you. So we're sitting in front of the toilet. And he'd just be like,
Starting point is 00:29:15 He just starts killing it. And he'd just go, He just opened the toilet. He just threw up a 40. And I'm shit, dude. I just go. Just went right back into this freestyle, dude. And I just was like, cause dude, when I puked, I never really threw up.
Starting point is 00:29:43 So my friends knew if but dude if i puked i was it was a wrap you know take me to fuck home this kid just just wiped and kept freestyling dude did you ever see that video that kid playing drums he's either playing in a band or doing a drum solo like a talent show and he was nervous he was killing it and he just fucking at one point he just he just stopped playing and just oh no he kept the hi-hat and the bass drum going hurled then did some more shit hurled again again and then went back to his fucking solo and i just would have been like if i was his dad i would have been like son i don't think i've ever been so fucking proud of anybody in my life. Oh, fuck.
Starting point is 00:30:28 Because what I loved about it was people gave him props for continuing to go. You never stop. You just keep going. I mean, throwing up is one of my favorite things to do is YouTube guys throwing up at weddings in the church. They just start wobbling. How does she say I do after that? Like, dude, if I was standing there and my wife came walking down the aisle and just puked, I would have been like, you don't want to marry me? Literally the sight of me as your groom makes you sick.
Starting point is 00:31:10 I would love to see how many of those weddings where the guy yacked ended up in divorce. I should have known on my wedding day. You weren't feeling right about him? No, he saw me and threw up. Oh, my God. Donovan mcnab dude donovan mcnab in the huddle i hate to fucking you know i hate to say it i used to do a joke i go dude if general patton was talking to the troops before they went into an invasion or a war he's like I'm not going to do fuck that. Yo, I'm not going.
Starting point is 00:31:50 I know, but I, Donovan still showed up. He just didn't get it done. He just went up against a Patriots team. That's all. I know. But Bill, your quarterback throwing up in the fourth quarter of a Superbowl in the huddle. Paul, I would love to say that you could look at my whole life and I haven't been the guy puking in the huddle. Maybe not literally, but I mean, it happens.
Starting point is 00:32:11 It's just his shit was on TV. Helix mattress, everybody. I got to tell you something right now, okay? And I'm not even just bullshitting. Normally, I have a bad back. You guys, I have a C6 disc. I got an L45 disc. Sometimes got an L4-5 disc. Sometimes I wake up on a shitty mattress.
Starting point is 00:32:27 It's like I've been in a car accident. I slept on this fucking Helix mattress like an absolute fucking angel. And I'm not bullshitting. Okay? I slept good. No back pain. Okay? I'm not even kidding, dude.
Starting point is 00:32:39 I slept like an infant. You're the only guy who curses more than their advertisers than me. I'm loving this read. No, I slept like an infant who just hit 25 pounds. Through the night, 12 hours, no pain. The mattress was incredible. We got the middle level one, which is a little firm, but you get a little bit of give with it. It was really incredible, man.
Starting point is 00:32:58 My wife and I both love it. And yeah, man, we're going to even get now the Helix pillows. All right, Paul froze up on us. All right. Helix Sleep has a quiz that takes just two minutes to complete and matches your body type and sleep preference to the perfect mattress for you. Why would you buy a mattress made for someone else? With Helix, you're getting a mattress that you know will be perfect for the way you sleep. Everybody's unique, and Helix knows that.
Starting point is 00:33:23 So they have several different mattress models to choose from. They have soft, medium, and a firm mattress. Mattress is great for cooling you down if you sleep hot. And even a Helix mattress for plus size sleepers. I took the Helix quiz and I was matched with the model mattress because I wanted something that felt soft, medium, firm, and I sleep on my side back stomach, move around all night. I was supposed to choose one of those, wasn't I? Yeah, sorry. These reads suck. All right. It's been awesome getting unboxing videos from so many of you who also found the Helix mattress of your dreams. So if you're looking for a mattress, you take the quids, you order the mattress that matches you, and the mattress comes right to your door, shipped for free. You don't ever need to go to a mattress store again. Helix is awesome,
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Starting point is 00:34:31 Oh, podcast goes on. Take their two-minute sleep quiz, and they'll match you to a customized mattress that will give you the best sleep of your life. They have a 10-year warranty. And you get to try it out for 100 nights risk--free they'll even pick it up if you don't love it gross uh but you will helix is offering up to two hundred dollars off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners at helixsleep.com slash better that's helixsleep.com slash better b-e-t-t-e-r for up to two hundred200 off and two free pillows. Yeah. I'm trying to think. I threw up on a bus,
Starting point is 00:35:11 on a school trip in a bus, but I was able to make it to the bathroom on the bus and close the door behind me. So like I never did it out in the, but- I puked in a chick's tent one time. I puked in a chick's tent one time. Oof. Camping? I mean, that's, yeah. I mean, I did a gig, and then we all started partying. Next thing you know, they're like, you want to go camping?
Starting point is 00:35:33 I'm like, yeah, I don't give a fuck. We're going to keep drinking. I ended up in this poor woman's tent. I don't even remember if we even tried to hook up. I was just so fucking loaded. I just went to sleep and I, but I was enough with it that I knew I was going to puke, but I couldn't get up. And I was just laying there.
Starting point is 00:35:54 I puked like Bonham. I was in my fucking sleep. Just yanked in the tent. It's really fucked everything. Obviously you puke in somebody's tent, but just to say, she's probably not a fan of my comedy i know that this podcast is probably grossing people out but dude i was at jets patriots in the last possible row under the lights at the very very top and when you're at the last row there's actually a cement little
Starting point is 00:36:21 platform behind you there was a dude face down and his body would just jerk and when it jerked liquid was just and it would jerk again and he was like a doll that they stuffed with a fucking and he just pushed and he would just keep going and he would jerk and it was it grossed me the fuck out man um i don't know dude got to be honest with you. Two things that make me laugh. A guy puking and a guy crying are the two funniest fucking things. I mean, like when I watch reality shows, like when my wife used to watch those fatties trying to, you know, my 600 pound fucking life and they're on the treadmill. And they're like, I just like cheeseburgers so much. And I just would be just fucking, not like in a mean way. I'd be rooting for them.
Starting point is 00:37:07 But there's just something. I'll actually be honest with you. Even when the women cried, I would laugh. I told you that. I've said this story a million times. My wife fell asleep on a plane. She woke up because I was laughing. I was laughing so hard I was making the lady on the other side of Nia laugh.
Starting point is 00:37:22 She didn't even know I was laughing. She was just laughing at how hard I was laughing. And Nia woke up to see what I was watching. And I was watching the lady on the other side of Nia laugh. She didn't even know I was laughing. She was just laughing at how hard I was laughing. And Nia woke up to see what I was watching, and I was watching Precious. It was just, Paul, it was so fucking mean. It was just so mean. It became funny. And they just kept cutting to her face,
Starting point is 00:37:41 and she'd be like, sitting there looking all sad. They just kept cutting to her face and she'd be like, sit there looking all sad. It's just fucking hilarious. I related. I related. One time my mom went to her friend's father's funeral and my mom had that stress emotion thing where it changed and my mom starts hysterical laughing in the thing,
Starting point is 00:38:06 uncontrollably laughing. And it's, I guess it's this thing where like, if you're stressed and you have anxiety, like they're just, it's almost like a wire gets tripped. And my mom was like, you know, the way people are inconsolably crying, she was laughing at that level. And the whole place is looking at her and she had to be taken out she was like it was like she was crying laughing as hard as she could and everybody was crying and silent and that's how she dealt with it and she still tells me that to this day I'm just like oh my god if I could if somebody had an iPhone back then oh dude I lost it one time at a funeral. What, laughing? Oh, one of the great laughs of my life. What happened?
Starting point is 00:38:54 A buddy of mine's dad died. It was really, really sad, obviously. We were really young. I mean, we were in our 20s, but but so it rained really bad that day just to add to the misery and everything so when we went to the burial site they had one of those pop-up tents and there was only enough room for so many people to get under it and everybody else was getting soaked so me and my buddy were outside we We didn't make it into the VIP section. So my other buddy tried to like stick his head underneath it, right?
Starting point is 00:39:31 So because it was sort of a cheap tent, what happened was like it got a crease in it and the water was gathering and it just became like this stream coming down and it was just missing my the back of my buddy's jacket which was sort of like a a fake suede so my buddy kind of nudges me or i nudged him to point like how the water was almost missing him and my buddy was crying and then he just sort of got this smile on his face and he reached up and he moved the tent, like changed it. So the stream started going all the way back. And I don't know why. We just started fucking crying, laughing. Because he was just standing there.
Starting point is 00:40:14 It was like someone was pissing on him. I think also we didn't know how to deal with death. And we just started fucking crying, laughing. And I remember one of the guys, the guy who drove the hearse, I remember him looking over and him seeing us laughing with this look on his face like what the fuck and then i tried to play it off like i was crying but it was just like yeah i mean i'm i hate that my buddy's dad died but you know my other buddy's got water pouring all over him i don't know that is that church laugh thing where it's just it's inappropriate it's weird no but no one knows how to deal with it so it goes right to
Starting point is 00:40:51 humor i went to a wedding where the bride did that laughed through the host of the whole vows oh yeah my my buddy kevin ryan this kid who opens for me, he said, and he wasn't even trying to be like, I said, you have to do it in your act. The lady was Asian. And he said, Paul, it was the thickest Asian accent. And he showed me video. And he was like, she was like, do you want to take her? And like, they were, he, dude, and I said to him, I swear to God, she was like, do you? And he showed me the video. It was like, do you take a hint to be a lovely? And dude, there's a visual of her, his bride, crying, laughing while they're doing it. And he showed me and Stacey and I go, Kevin,
Starting point is 00:41:35 by the way, check out Kevin Ryan, super funny comic, Opus Freelance Road, dude. He, yo, she was that thick and she just lost control of it during the whole thing. And I go, Kevin, if you don't put that in your fucking act, and he's like, I don't know how to, I go, it really happened. I saw the video.
Starting point is 00:41:52 There's nothing that is fucking hilarious. I know a guy married a Mexican chick and they had the wedding down there and my buddy is an idiot. Right. And they wanted him to say the vows in Spanish, right? So the guy is saying them to him, and he keeps fucking it up, and the guy won't let him off the hook. And he keeps going back, and the more he keeps going back,
Starting point is 00:42:18 the more he's getting self-conscious. And my buddy almost started, like, crying because he's not, you know, he's just, don't ask he did not fucking say it and the guy's like oh no he just stopped the ceremony until he said the shit right and i was just sitting there going like i think there's a certain element here that's pissed that she's marrying a white dude so she's taking him through the paces dude it was fucking it was fucking hilarious. It was the longest.
Starting point is 00:42:46 I mean, it took like, it was like, dude, it was the better part of 90 seconds. And it was, dude, it was like, it felt like two hours. We're just sitting there like, come on, man. Just get through it. Get through it, buddy. Just fucking. Oh, my God. Say what he's saying.
Starting point is 00:43:03 Oh, that is so fucking funny dude yeah i wouldn't i wouldn't know how to how do you not laugh how do you not laugh at that you know and then people look at you like you're rude and you did something it's like does anybody else hear this guys just fucked up the whole thing my brother becoming a comedian though fucks you up because it's almost like your tolerance your tolerance for humor goes up. I can't even say it. What is it? It's like the more music you listen to, the better taste you have.
Starting point is 00:43:37 The more comedy you watch, the more it takes you to laugh. And the more you start seeing comedy where there's no comedy. And then you just start becoming the guy who's laughing when nobody's laughing, which used to happen to me back in the day when I would go to movies, when you could go to movies. Oh, Paul, when is this fucking thing going to be over? I'm so sick of it. I'm so fucking sick of it.
Starting point is 00:43:58 You know what I got into, dude? I got really into it. I think I told you that I had a fantasy about it. I have fantasies. Hey, Paul, keep it clean, huh? No, no, no. One of my fantasies is to rob a bank. I told you that, right? You know that.
Starting point is 00:44:09 I always wanted to rob a bank, right? You're going Trump on me. You know that. Everybody knows that. No, no, no. I know anybody who knows it. I always love that. Yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:44:19 You know that? I know that. Everybody knows that. That is the greatest way to end a point. That's my favorite thing ever. No, but I thought over the years I told you, oh, he talked about the movie Heat. Maybe not. Maybe it wasn't you.
Starting point is 00:44:32 But I've always had a fantasy of going into a bank and just running out with a fucking hockey bag filled with cash. That's always been my thing. Right? That's why I love watching those movies. So I saw this movie. Knocking over old people? No, no, no no i would have done it like they did in heat i'm not here for i'm not here for your money i'm here for the bank's money everybody if you need to you know rest on the wall if you have a heart issue don't you know let us know you could go to the bathroom i'd be i would be i would
Starting point is 00:44:58 be you know they would they wouldn't worry about me you would get caught paul yeah you start letting hostages not feel like hostages they start leaving the bank you guys hungry this is too much for you if you're not a gun person you can just get out of here i just i'm really i just want what's in the vault is anybody hungry i'm gonna be playing a movie on my phone. My wife makes the greatest brownies. I've told her forever to open a store, but she wouldn't do it,
Starting point is 00:45:31 which is why I'm here, which is why I'm here. Start fucking handing them out with your little address on it. No, dude, so I got to tell you this story. Robert Redford's last movie was a movie called The Old Man with a Gun. And I watched it the other night. And it really is a true story about a dude who was in his 70s in 1981 in the Dallas, Fort Worth area of Texas. And he would walk in dressed. He was a fucking gentleman, dude. walk in dressed he was a fucking gentleman dude he'd walk in dressed in a nice suit he had a hat and like a little thing he'd walk in he had a little like a mustache and he would like look very just non-threatening at all and he would walk up and go hey i'm here to see the uh the manager and he'd go on the manager he was like oh yeah what what could i help you with he's come here to you know take out a loan and like what type of loan and he would just show his gun and be like
Starting point is 00:46:24 this type and then he would go like just put whatever you can in the bag. And one woman started crying. He was like, no, no, no. He goes, you're doing it. She goes, why? He goes, why are you crying, sweetheart? She goes, it's my first day. And he's, and she's just put it. He goes, you're doing great. You're doing great. And dude, she would just give him the thing and he would walk out. The green stuff and stick it in the Brown thing. And he goes, listen, I don't want to hurt you. He goes, I like you as a matter of fact, I really like you.
Starting point is 00:46:48 And I don't want to hurt you. Just put it in the bag and do this guy hit off. I'm going to blow your fucking brains out. I mean, no, this guy just, don't let me do that. He hit off. He was in and out of prison. He escaped San Quentin. He was in and out of prison from 15 years old. And then he gets out as an old man. They finally catch him. They finally catch him and he gets out. He gets out. He goes to jail. He does his time and he gets out and he just fucking met a woman and settled down and just
Starting point is 00:47:17 couldn't handle normal life. And he, she was like sleeping one day and he goes, I'll be right back. You need anything from the store? And he went, he hit up four banks that day and got caught and guy was like 75 when he just couldn't not going he just he had to scratch that itch paul the guy needed some action on the game god bless him i mean just sit there and hold the yarn while she needle points never heard a guy never heard a soul that kid he never heard anybody except himself you know you wouldn't want to rob a bank like you don't have any kind of uh no i mean i don't know i mean when i was younger i wanted to but that what really was looking bad is i didn't know how to talk to women. So I needed to do something cool and talk about it loudly near them, thinking that that was what would bring them.
Starting point is 00:48:10 I never realized all I had to do was just say hi and make them laugh. I could have just had a completely different career. I wish I could go back in time as old me and be like, dude, just say hello and see what happens. You don't have to achieve things well how that age anyway when was your first girlfriend real girlfriend how old were you when you had like your first real like walk her home hold her hand make out for the first time were Like 30? Like legit? Like I could marry this person?
Starting point is 00:48:48 Yeah. No. 28? No, I don't mean like marry. I mean like, you know, your first like make out, go to the movies together. Like, you know. Wasn't my first girlfriend. She was older than me she was way a lot older than i was i'm not gonna get into this ball it was it was pretty it wasn't until i got to new york i kind of fucking settled down but uh yeah i was an introverted fucking lunatic and uh and i i can't
Starting point is 00:49:22 give out too many fucking details because all these people are still out dude i'll tell you that story man oh you want to talk about going from zero to fucking 10 000 feet um in an afternoon oh young billy freckles oh that's gonna be a good cigar a little may september romance there that's gonna be a good cigar you got you got to remind me of that one. We never talked about that one. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:49:48 Then I, oh, dude, I got it. Oh, I got it. Dude, I, oh, yeah. I definitely, took me a while till I got to normal. The functional. I mean, a lot, you know, it was me. It was me. And then I was finding, you know, it was me, it was, it was me. And then I was, I was finding, you know, people like me who are chicks and we would just be crazy together
Starting point is 00:50:12 and nothing fucking made sense. And, um, neither one of us could figure out what was wrong because nuts was normal. Yeah. But then neither one of you be happy and then eventually you just blame each other and then that's yeah that's kind of um that was the first 12 years of my dating yeah dude it was a uh i was definitely an expansive franchise you came in like i came in like the buccaneers and went like 0-14 my first season. Yeah, I was going to say Carolina Panthers, but they actually went to the NFC Championship year one. Kerry Collins.
Starting point is 00:50:57 Wow. Yeah. That's amazing. And that was the same year. How crazy is this? And I think I'm not mistaken here. It's the same year the Jacksonville Jaguars came into the league, and they went to the AFC Championship with Mark Brunel and Coach Tom Coughlin.
Starting point is 00:51:14 Yeah. You know, that happened in hockey with the Vegas Knights. They almost won the Stanley Cup. You wanted a great speech. The head coach of the vegas knights said all of you are here today because every other team in the nhl didn't think you were worth saving oh just all fucking bonded dude that's they think you're done. Well, guess what? I think you got a little more in the tank. Something like that.
Starting point is 00:51:48 I said this as a non-hockey guy. What Herb Brooks did with the 1980 team, I think I actually stacked that as the greatest sporting. I think that that's the greatest sporting triumph in the history. Oh, yeah. Any other night they beat us, but not tonight. Ten out of ten times the Russians beat us. He goes, not tonight.
Starting point is 00:52:11 I love when he goes, hey. He says to the dude, what is his name? I don't know what to do. Oh, Donald, who do you play for? He goes, University of Minnesota. He goes, again. And they're just skating suicides. And the guy goes, dude,
Starting point is 00:52:25 you got to let him, you got to let him stop. And he goes, so-and-so who do you play for? He'd be like Boston college again. And dude, then they start turning the lights on. Like you got to go. He goes, no, the kids are puking. And the coach is like, come on, man, enough. And then the coaches start getting mad. He goes again. And he goes, so-and-so who do you play for? And finally the lights go down and their fucking kids are puking, stopping, quitting. And he goes, he goes so and so who do you play for and finally the lights go down and their fucking kids are puking stopping quitting and he goes so and so who do you play for and he just goes the united states of america oh dude i just got the chills and he goes now you could go home i was like dude that fuck i would have ran through a wall for that kid i would have
Starting point is 00:53:01 fucking you know what happened now they'd all facetime my coach was mean to me today and i just really feel triggered and he would get fired he would get fired yeah that's we haven't beaten canada or the russians ever since yeah yeah he my son had a heart condition well then he should have been very sensitive he doesn't respond to that type of motivation oh that was how great was fucking uh kurt russell in that movie oh dude they'll hold i remember that i'm old enough to remember when that happened dude people are shitting on kurt russell and i'm not cool with it man who is no just like i was like kurt russell's a fucking kurt russell's underrated underappreciated the guy's great and everything he does like he a child star, seamlessly went into his 20s and just is continuing. The guy's on like a fucking 50-year career.
Starting point is 00:53:52 But I think everything he does, he owns. Dude, that Snake Bliskin fucking escape from New York, that was great. That was great. Big Trouble in Little China. Big Trouble in Little China. He was great. The one where he met Goldie Hawn, which is really kind of weird now to watch that movie. They could never make that movie.
Starting point is 00:54:07 She's got amnesia and you send your wife and now you're banging her. Overboard. Overboard was great. He had like a bunch of kids in that shitty house. Captain Ron. Yeah, but he didn't give her a roofie or anything. No, she just fell. What happened to her? She fell off a boat.
Starting point is 00:54:23 It's a very sketchy story now, Paul. Paul, those were different times that was the 80s let's let's move forward here the hateful eight the fucking uh uh once upon a time in hollywood i mean it was just all kinds of do you know i'm such a fucking idiot when it comes to oh tombstone fucking tombstone there you go Oh, Tombstone. Fucking Tombstone. There you go. Tombstone. Fucking Tombstone.
Starting point is 00:54:50 You look like the guy outside the movie theater. Like, hey, what'd you think about Tombstone? Fucking Tombstone. Two thumbs up. Fucking great, right? Regular Paulie. Val Kilmer was great in that. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:55:04 When he did the little thing with the cup. Val Kilmer when he goes like this. I'm your huckleberry. That's another classic. That's a great fucking movie, man. Yeah, Val Kilmer was. What was weird was they made. You tell him I'm coming. Oh, wait.
Starting point is 00:55:14 When Kurt Russell goes, you tell him I'm coming. He goes, you want it? You tell him I'm coming. And hell's coming with me. You hear me? Hell's coming with me. Yeah. It's amazing dude that guy uh weren't there like two didn't costner do one they think two people did one at the same time oh costner did wyatt wyatt
Starting point is 00:55:36 erp yeah and then tombstone was with doc holiday and all that stuff i just like good days at the box office man back when uh it was exciting to see a movie to go out to have you seen it dude you got to go see it man this might be the last weekend you had to go rush out and go see the fucking thing now it's just it all comes to you paul you just lay in there on your water bed dude i feel bad rito's coming down from the ceiling fan right me and uh me and my friend vinny saw Tombstone in the theater, and I snuck in three cans of beer, and he snuck in three cans of beer, and his dad picked us up and smelled it in the car.
Starting point is 00:56:14 Didn't say anything. The dad was a gentleman but called my mom. And he goes, yeah, just so you know, the boys watch it, but, you know, they smell like beer. So it just brought back that memory. But still fucking good time. I remember the movie okay before you got caught how fucking great was it you know what's so great about that is trying to open it quietly and you i was an asshole dude stupid clearing of the throat me and my friend the bottles or cans
Starting point is 00:56:42 no no we they we were we were drinking cans but me and my friend me and one of my friends would go into the high school parking lot when we were seniors and we would open molson ice and we would slug a molson ice back and put it down and then we would just go back just so dumb it's like it was it was so dumb but remember that shit where you do that the movie theater and you drink a few then you'd accidentally knock one over and then make that sound the bottle makes and then it would slowly oh start rolling all the way down to the front of the theater and then eventually somebody would get up and go walk out to get an usher yeah you're drinking beer and i can't enjoy the movie um there's people
Starting point is 00:57:26 having fun in there oh it's a different time okay yeah it's a different time can't help myself i love you and nobody yeah it's a long fucking time ago when we saw Clyde Frazier at his 70th birthday at the garden watching them and you remember what you said you were like look at his fucking look he's just going back to those they just they just did a thing on Clyde a little documentary and they walked him through his streets of Atlanta in his home. And he just talked about his mom and the neighborhood. And he's walking there dressed like in fucking full fledged, like 1976. Meanwhile, it's 2020. And he was just walking down the streets and his mom would say, oh, Clive, he's always at the court. He's always at the court. And he's just walking
Starting point is 00:58:20 down the street, man. It's so fucking cool, man. Legend, dude. Fucking legend. By the way, I got one for you. Is there anything better than my New York Knicks going for 500 tonight, 15 and 15, if we beat the Orlando Magic tonight? Celtics are only a game in front of you. I love you too much to say you know you're not playing well when you're only a game in front of the Knicks, but you guys are playing way better. Yeah, but you guys are going to— You got that quickly guy. How about my Bruins? They're playing tonight,
Starting point is 00:58:49 but they lost to the Islanders, but dude, they beat your Rangers back-to-back games. Look like two playoff games. Let's do something fun for the fans. Let's throw a little action. All right. The Knicks are obviously overachieving, so you're going to have to give me a little bit of a gap here. Well, I'll give you whatever you want. I'm bored out ofachieving. So you're going to have to give me a little bit of a gap here. I'll give you whatever you want. I'm bored out of my mind. Whatever you want to bet. What do you want to bet?
Starting point is 00:59:08 Oh, Bill's just looking for action. I just need action. Little something to look forward to Paul. All right. How many games better? What do you think, Andrew?
Starting point is 00:59:16 Help me with this. What do you, how many games better will the Celtics be than the Knicks? Let's say we got, uh, there's 72 games. All-star breaks next week. There's about 36, 37 games left.
Starting point is 00:59:27 What do you say? The Knicks will be, what's your record right now? Like 15, 16 and 15 or something like that. Okay, so you're a game above. Well, let's see if we're going to do this, Paul. We got to make sure we know. Let's see. NBA standings.
Starting point is 00:59:43 The standings. The standings. The standings. The standings. All right. The Celtics are 14 and 13. Okay. Game over. And the Knicks. Where the fuck are the Knicks?
Starting point is 00:59:57 The Knicks are. Oh, you're right. You guys are 14 and 15. Going for 15 and 15 tonight. So you got two games at hand. Well, it must be COVID or some shit. We've only played 27 games. You've played 29.
Starting point is 01:00:13 Well, how many games are you going to give me? Because I got a bunch of rookies. I mean, we're just building this thing. And you guys got. Quit your whining. This was your idea. What do you want? You just tell me what you want.
Starting point is 01:00:24 I'm being the gentleman. No, no, no. I'm being the gentleman here. I'm asking you what's fair. You was your idea. What do you want? You just tell me what you want. I'm being the gentleman. I'm being the gentleman here. I'm asking you what's fair. You're making excuses. We got a bunch of rookies. You're trying to work me for an extra fucking game, aren't you? How many you give me? Six? We're going to be six games
Starting point is 01:00:40 better than you? How many games are they playing this year? Each other? No, no, no. Total. I mean, they're not playing. They're playing 72 games this year. And when are they having the finals? Probably May. Didn't they
Starting point is 01:00:57 start in like fucking January? Let's go 100 bucks. Let's go 100 bucks. No, fuck that. We'll go to the bucks. Let's go a hundred bucks. Now, fuck that. We'll go to the 200. Wait a second. We'll go 200.
Starting point is 01:01:10 I don't give a fuck. I'll do more. What do you want to do? I want to find out like how much, wait, Celtics schedule. Like, are they really going to play 72 fucking games?
Starting point is 01:01:23 And then, and then they're going to, how are you going to cram all of games and then and then they're gonna how are you going to cram all of those games in are they playing more often um for some reason this game so paul if you want to do how many games more over it should just be the record for the next x amount of games because it's not let's just do percentage yeah i'll give you who's going to have a better winning percentage? It's easier to do it that way.
Starting point is 01:01:46 All right, so right now we're like whatever the fuck we are, 513. You guys are like 480. What number do I need for Paul to take his cash out and put it on the table? All right, I'll take two fucking honey out for, you know, I mean. Paul, is there anything better than not knowing what you're talking about and still betting on it anyway? No, I know what I'm talking about. You guys made a good point.
Starting point is 01:02:11 I don't. Oh, okay. All right. Just fucking throw a percent. I don't know shit about Hoop. I think you guys are five to six games better than we are. I think you don't have a good enough math background to say what that's going to turn out with the winning percentage.
Starting point is 01:02:27 I think you're a hundred percent right. So we can't bet on that. Well, both teams are about 50, 50 now. So that's your starting point. How about this? We'll just bet plus or minus Celtics. Well, we want something that, that kind of runs here. Week to week. Cause I said, we'll just bet each other. How about this? We'll just bet. Plus or minus. Celtics. We want something that kind of runs here. Week to week.
Starting point is 01:02:46 I was going to say, we'll just bet each other. How about this? We'll throw hockey in there, too. All right? Bruins, Rangers, Knicks, Celtics. Okay. I know that the Bruins just beat the Rangers twice. I don't know what.
Starting point is 01:03:00 The Celtics haven't played the Knicks yet this year, right? Once, I believe. I think you guys beat us. I think. All right. So here's what I'm going to do because I'm a hell of a guy. I'm going to take one of those Ranger wins, Paul. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:03:12 I'm going to act like it never happened. Okay? Okay. All right. The Bruins and the Celtics collectively will beat the Knicks. Now, you know the perfect game number here is three. The perfect over-under is three. But I'm going to make it exciting, Paul.
Starting point is 01:03:37 Okay. Four ties, five wins. Collectively, we got to beat you by more than five games. Does this sound like a fair bet, Paul? I mean, Andrew, I'm not good at math here. I actually don't understand what you mean by that last part. Did it sound confident? It sounded like I knew what I was talking about.
Starting point is 01:03:59 The Bruins, the Celtics, and the Knicks are going to play each other a certain amount of times before the end of the season. The Bruins are going to play each other a certain amount of times before the end of the season. The Bruins are going to play the Rangers a certain amount of times. I'm saying that collectively, the wins the Bruins and the Celtics get against the Rangers and the Knicks will be at least five more than what the Knicks and the Rangers got off the Celtics. Five more percent or five more wins? Five more games.
Starting point is 01:04:29 We're not going to do percent. That's going to take me – I'd have to be born again as a smart math person. Okay. Okay. So total, Knicks and – I get it. Five games total. I'm glad you got it because I was getting to the point where I didn't care anymore. I was just going to start betting on anything.
Starting point is 01:04:47 Let's bet on something, Paul. I need something. All right. Let's bet on something. Let's bet on who's your favorite Celtic? Who's your Celtic? Tatum? Oh, did you see that little move he had when he finished with the finger roll last night? No.
Starting point is 01:05:05 Oh. Well, him and Jalen Brown, it's their team. Marcus Smart is out right now. I love, what was it? I almost said Theus, like Reggie Theus. What's that guy's name? Oh, I know. T-H-E-I-S.
Starting point is 01:05:24 For some reason, I can't remember how to say his fucking name. Andrew, can you find out when the Knicks play the Celtics again? All right. Well, we've lost Paul Verzi. I think he said he's going to jump back in. He texted me. I don't know where he is. Where did he go? I don't know.
Starting point is 01:05:37 I just looked up the NBA schedule there, Andrew. Now I'm doing a podcast with you. By the end of this pandemic, I'll have a podcast with every person in comedy. It only has the games up to like March 2nd, and the Celtics have already played the Knicks and we lost. Yeah, January 17th. Yeah. Goddamn, Paul, he should have taken the bet.
Starting point is 01:05:59 I'm down to 7%. I'm in the red here on my lappy top. I'm going to give him another minute. Did we settle on the bet? Do we know what the bet is? No. How about the listeners come up with whatever the fucking bet should be. Hashtag AB bets.
Starting point is 01:06:16 Why don't we do, we should just do what seed you're going to be. All you have to do is just guess what seed your team is going to be. Closest without going over. I liked your first today. I like the winning percentage from today on for the rest of both seasons, whatever the winning percentage is.
Starting point is 01:06:34 But I was doing them playing each other. Oh, just each other. Yeah. There you go. I don't know. We'll come up with something, everybody. Well, you know what? We were like March, right?
Starting point is 01:06:45 We came in with like a lion going out like a lamb. Like a lamb, yeah. One way or the other. All right. Well, that's the Verzi Bill Burr podcast here. Anything better? Thank you guys so much for listening. You know, Paul, he doesn't like people, so he stays up in the woods there. I am a people person.
Starting point is 01:07:02 I live amongst all of you. So my internet works. All right, that's it. We'll see you next Wednesday. Go Celtics. Go Bruins. And let's see. I got to say for him, go Knicks.
Starting point is 01:07:14 Who else is he into at this point? Rangers. Rangers. We'll say Rangers. I think he's more of an Islanders guy. I don't know. All right, that's it. We'll talk to you guys next week.
Starting point is 01:07:23 Thank you so much for listening. you you you

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